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Infidelity rarely announces itself with a dramatic confession. It begins much more quietly, with a small, unsettling shift in the rhythm of a relationship. It's a tiny, nagging gut feeling, a change in routine you can't quite put your finger on, or a new phrase they suddenly start using.
An online community asked people who have been cheated on to share the moment the seed of suspicion was planted. The responses are a heartbreaking catalog of red flags that are easy to dismiss in the moment but glaringly obvious in hindsight.
More info: Reddit
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#1
Our shared doctor encouraged me to get STD testing because “you never know people all the way.” She stood there and said several times that she couldn’t violate confidentiality but she recommended the tests. And my dumb a*s was mad at her for thinking he was that kind of person. It hit me a year later, after I’d caught him with someone else while I was pregnant.
It’s been over a decade and let me tell you, hurt fades, anger fades, but feeling dumb? That sticks.
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#2
They start accusing you of cheating.
#3
When he suddenly got “too busy” for everything. couldn’t text, couldn’t call, but somehow always had energy for everyone else. it’s never about being busy, it’s about priorities.
If the stories in this list feel devastatingly common, it's because they are. According to statistics compiled by Couples Academy, infidelity is a factor in a significant number of relationships. The data shows that while definitions of cheating can vary, a substantial percentage of both men and women admit to having been unfaithful at some point in their lives.
Some studies place the lifetime incidence of infidelity at around 20-25% for married couples. These aren't just isolated incidents of bad behavior; they are a common and painful part of the human experience, which is why the subtle first signs are so recognizable to so many people.
#4
On her phone 24/7, her face would light up with happiness every time her phone went off, after about 3 days of this I asked if I could use her Facebook Marketplace to put an item up for sale. She refused, she told me to email everything to her and she would do it. We are standing here together and she is saying no I cant use her Facebook and to email it to her and that mixed with the several days prior of the weirdness on the phone I just said it, are you cheating on me. And she said yes. Now are are divorcing.
#6
My then-boyfriend and i were watching a movie and laughing and as he stood up to go to the bathroom, i held up his phone for the face id unlock and told him i was going to look up the cast cause i thought i recognized one of the actors. even though we’d been relaxed and goofing a split second prior, he immediately got incredibly antsy and was leering over my shoulder the whole time reaching over and fidgeting like i was a loose cat walking on the nuclear launch keypad. i’ve never felt the urge or need to look through any of my partners’ phones, even after this incident, and he’d never hesitated to do the hold up for face id thing to me before, so i found it extremely weird. sure enough come to find out a few months later he had accounts on multiple dating apps and had been cheating on me.
Crystalwitch60 3 weeks ago
And he was most defo a walking letri dish of stds !! op hope you went directly to the clinic !,
Many of the "gut feelings" and initial suspicions shared in the online thread are much more than paranoia. Instead, they are classic red flags that experts have identified for years. Marriage and relationship expert Sheri Stritof outlines several of the most common warning signs.
Unsurprisingly, the number one clue is a sudden change in technology habits: a partner who suddenly password-protects their phone, takes it everywhere, or deletes texts and call logs is a major red flag.
Other classic signs include a sudden, unexplained interest in their appearance, an increase in unaccounted-for time or expenses, and a noticeable shift in intimacy, either a decrease in connection or a sudden, unusual increase in intimate activity.
#8
When their patterns began to change. Didn’t like drinking, now going out to happy hours after work. Suddenly very motivated to workout. Putting extra effort into their looks. Suddenly planning hangouts with “new friends”.
hannahbahngswife 3 weeks ago
I have never been a relationship so I could be wrong, but is being suddenly motivated to work out or look better a sign on its own?
#9
Everything I said seemed to annoy her for some reason. I felt like she just didn't like hearing the sound of my voice but it was really just she was moving on because she knew something I didn't.
UnclePanda 4 weeks ago
I ended a long-distance relationship with, "It seems like you like the idea of me visiting a lot more than the actuality, so I'm going to stop now."
Once the red flags have become too numerous to ignore, the next step is one of the hardest: confronting your partner. The experts at Upstream Counselling emphasize that how you approach this conversation can make all the difference. Their first piece of advice is to be prepared. Before you say anything, gather your thoughts and any evidence you have.
It's crucial to choose a time and place that is private and allows for a long, uninterrupted conversation so don't start this talk five minutes before you have to leave for work.
When you do speak, use "I" statements to express your feelings rather than accusatory "you" statements, which can immediately put your partner on the defensive. Finally, you have to be prepared for any outcome, from an outright denial to a full confession.
#10
I didn't know at the time, it wasn't until I found her Google search history. Turns out she shared a Google account with my 11 year old daughter. So everything she searched would be on my daughter's phone, including Google maps timeline and even photos that were syncing.
Driving to a state park with my daughter I asked her to look up lyrics to a song we were listening to, she got out her phone and I looked over to see 'mormon soaking' in past searches under the search bar, I took note of that and after my daughter went to sleep that night I got on her phone and I found a whole plethora of what the actual f**k.
But looking back on it. My dumb jokes didn't land the same anymore. She was looking for ways to villainize me, loaded questions "what does this mean, who's hand writing is this?"
Subtle ways she changed her makeup, the way she did her hair. She started listening to different music, was guarded about her phone and even yelled at me for trying to be silly and ask her who she was texting while we were watching a movie together as a family. She started talking about a coworker of hers a lot, then stopped all of a sudden, she even went on a road trip with that coworker to visit an old friend of theirs, I trusted her unquestionably. Walmart plus receipts showed that she bought lube before going on that trip. Also, the van broke down on the way back from the road trip and she had it towed to the town she worked in. She stayed there for 6 days until it was fixed.
I'd make chicken noodle soup from scratch and take pictures of it, proud as f**k with myself, she was working late, her only reply was "is the kitchen a mess?"
Google maps shows she'd get off of work at 8pm. Go to a hotel with a Jacuzzi suite, restaurant, movie theater, some residential house, fastfood, then get home at 3am, all while texting me that she missed our daughter and me and how much she wanted to be home. And when she did get home, she'd sit on the porch smoking w**d while on her phone, daughter and I wouldn't know she was home for awhile.
She was living a second life, boyfriend and his kids which she was buying things for, Walmart plus receipts showed Snow gear, sleds, toys for a toddler, men's belts, pants, alcohol, take action pill, I had a vasectomy in 2016, while it left me in chronic pain, it did work. I got it because of how severe the complications were with the birth of our daughter, the midwife and doctor taking me to the side and telling me that we might want to start thinking about which one to save. We moved halfway across the country, I made some friends here not many, I'm socially inept with severe anxiety. After the separation she told everyone that I got the vasectomy to spite her, knowing full well she wanted two more kids. She had a kid with her now husband last January, she had the same complications that she did with our daughter. Anyway, not only did she spread that around but turns out she was running a very effective smear campaign against me 2 years before the separation, everyone turned against me.
Wow, this turned into a rant, my bad, felt kinda good to get out though.
#11
She went from treating me like her obsession to obsessively talking about the other guy. And she would anxiously wait for texts from him and get upset when he didn't text back quickly, like you expect a significant other to do. She also started looking at me like a roommate and finding every chance to make "business" meetings to go see him. They are now married. She even wore a nice dress to go see him once and asked me if she looked pretty.
It was easy to see her eyes fully go off of me and onto him.
Binky Melnik 4 weeks ago
I’m pretty sure he dodged a bullet. I’ve yet to meet someone who was “obsessed” with me who didn’t need a BIG psychiatric intervention. Obsession isn’t good or healthy or anything you want because it’s creepy, scary, and makes it so you’re frightened step out even to get the mail.
#12
She had joined a book club, but I’d never seen her read.
I didn’t notice it as a sign when it first happened, I only realized after the fact.
For those who have been unfaithful, breaking the pattern can feel like an impossible challenge. According to renowned relationship therapist Dr. Tammy Nelson, the key to stopping the cycle is to understand why you're doing it in the first place.
She explains that cheating is often a symptom of a deeper, unmet need. Are you seeking novelty and excitement that's missing from your life? Are you looking for an emotional connection you no longer feel with your partner?
Dr. Nelson's advice is to do the hard work of identifying that "why" and then finding a way to address it that doesn't involve betrayal. This often means learning how to communicate your needs directly to your partner or, if the relationship is over, seeking therapy to understand your own patterns before you enter a new one.
#13
Being very protective of their phone.
Michael Largey 4 weeks ago
I often hand my phone over to my wife. She has some idea how the d**n thing works.
#14
He started being very vague about people's gender when talking about who he was spending time with. "My friend and I went....They did this .... We went here ...They bought that..." And when I pointed it out he would gaslight me and try to tell me he wasn't being vague, that I was making a big deal and being controlling. It was because he was hanging out with women and being very careful not to say that.
This, and retroactively another sign that should have been obvious was that he would get upset with me and stop talking to me for days at a time. Found out later he was using this time to cheat, he would arrange a fight so he would have an excuse to not talk to me for a while so he could talk to her. And he did the same to her so he could talk to me. .
The ultimate question after an affair is discovered is: can this relationship be saved? According to relationship expert Dr. Abby Medcalf, the answer is a definite "maybe," but it requires a massive, sustained effort from both partners. The first and most critical step is for the person who cheated to take 100% responsibility for their actions, without blaming their partner or the circumstances.
This must be followed by a complete and total end to the affair. No more contact, period. From there, the hard work of rebuilding begins. This involves what Dr. Medcalf calls "radical honesty," where both partners must be willing to be completely transparent and vulnerable.
It is a long, difficult road that often requires the help of a professional therapist, but for couples who are truly committed, it is possible to rebuild trust and create a new, stronger relationship on the other side.
Have you ever noticed any of these signs? Or perhaps you have a new red flag to add that these netizens have missed? Share yours in the comments section!
#16
He introduced me to his 6 month old infant.
#17
Texting in the middle of the night.
zububonsai 3 weeks ago (edited)
But... sometimes Duolingo reminds me to do my daily exercise before midnight... or I have the urge to *...tapping background noises...* comment on Bored Panda posts, or I just google how the weather is tomorrow wherever I have to drive to... All of these examples make the same sounds like texting... just saying.
#19
Small stories didn’t line up anymore, she started talking about things she thought we did together (it was the guy she was cheating on me with), accusing me of cheating, and becoming more possessive.
#20
The 3rd person instant messages you saying “I’m so and so’s wife/ girlfriend and caught my husband / boyfriend snap chatting and texting your wife. Finally I asked for proof, got it and then caught her in a huge lie. Lawyer was worth the money.
#21
He got mad when we had plans to do things. That didn't fit into his and his new lovers schedule. IE: we had a wedding that was RSVPd to months in advance and when I brought it up the week before he got very upset.
#22
We're going back to college, but he had a new gal pal from the dorm that he was hanging around. She was in my circle but we weren't best buddies. He was talking about how good of friends they had become over the winter session. I found red hairs on his pillow and that was it.
To get him to admit it I pretended I was psychic and had a dream that he cheated on me with her and told him that. He bugged out over my supposed psychic powers, and confessed the whole thing. 😂
Then he went out with her for a good long while and I think she punched him out in a bar one time because he cheated on her too. But we're going back to 1994 style college dorm drama so it may or may not be accurate. 😩
I do know that on a drunken evening years later she approached me to tell me that I handled the news of their cheating really well and she had a lot of respect for me because of that. So that was kind of a clue.
Ahh, gotta love those old cheating stories. 😬.
#23
I called my friend to see if him and his twin wanted to hang out and he said "im down but Drew can't come because he's making out with Sabrina" (my gf at the time)
Thats when I started getting suspicious.
#24
Became distant, said s****y things to me, lost weight, bought new clothes and started going out with her best friend (who was single) to bars. I confronted her and she admitted it.
#26
Can someone please give me insight into this. I am really struggling..
I didn’t know he cheated or left me for another girl. He just stopped talking to me.. it was weird. We broke up without ever actually talking about it. It just ended.
Two months later, he reached out saying he couldn’t stop thinking about me and that he loved me. We got back together, and four months later I found i went through his phone and found out he had been with another girl during those two months, basically a full-blown relationship. I even saw their last messages. She wrote, “Ew, how was your slimy sleepover?” when he was literally at my place and he has an "apology call" ending it with her.
After I found out, I told him he was disgusting and kicked him out. For months afterward, he sent handwritten letters to my house, flowers, even got my name tattooed on his ribs. It just doesn’t make sense. He became obsessive, saying he loved me, wanted to marry me, would wait forever. Then I kept finding out even more lies. Eventually, I blocked him on everything and told him to stop messaging me or sending letters.
Yeah… I feel f****d up.
Jeremy James 3 weeks ago
If someone is behaving like this, it might be better to go silent than to block. If they escalated to threats of any kind, I would want to know and have a record of it.
#27
Caught my ex husband on Grindr looking for "bro jobs".
#30
Gaslighting and holding onto grudges on things that didn’t matter in the long run while some other dude treats her 20x worse. Losing all her morals and character. preaching values she never adhered to herself which were actually your own which she then gaslights
But yea definitely gaslighting and making weird comments.
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What do you think ?
Beak Hookage 3 weeks ago
Heehee. That one's going to keep us supplied with lols for a looong time.
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TACO Don's Authentic TexMex 3 weeks ago
Quit wearing her engagement ring. Then got married 2 weeks after we broke up.
Power puff scientist 3 weeks ago
She married a Trump supporter? Is that why you are so angry all the time?
Load More Replies... Beak Hookage 3 weeks ago
Heehee. That one's going to keep us supplied with lols for a looong time.
Load More Replies... TACO Don's Authentic TexMex 3 weeks ago
Quit wearing her engagement ring. Then got married 2 weeks after we broke up.
Power puff scientist 3 weeks ago
She married a Trump supporter? Is that why you are so angry all the time?
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