Finding out that your partner has been unfaithful is heartbreaking. After all, few enter into long-term relationships expecting their trust to be broken. So when an affair comes to light, whether purely physical or emotional, your relationship is hanging on a thread. You’re suddenly hit with a whirlwind of feelings and the harrowing decision of whether or not to move forward.
But even the most careful cheaters leave trails and eventually get caught in their web of lies. The problem is that only in hindsight do you realize the signals were there all along, they just completely went over your head. So recently, one Redditor decided to learn more about people’s experiences and the ways deceit makes love crumble to pieces. They reached out to the Ask Reddit community with a question: "Where does cheating in a relationship start for you?"
People immediately jumped to the comment section to share what infidelity means to them, as well as some of the subtle signs our partners may be going astray. We’ve gone through the thread and gathered some of the most illuminating responses to share with you, so continue scrolling and upvote the ones you agree with most. Below, you'll also find in-depth interviews with the author of this post and relationship expert Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. And if you know any other indications of infidelity in a relationship, be sure to share them with us in the comments.
Psst! After you’re done reading this post, check out our earlier piece filled with wild and infuriating stories from people who accidentally caught their partners cheating.
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Withdrawing emotionally from your partner and offering that energy to someone else. Cheating doesn't have to be kissing or f*****g.
If you would be unwilling to tell your partner about an interaction, then it's probably time to start thinking about what you're doing.
Depending on the 'interaction', it might be time to think about what your present relationship is doing to you.
We managed to get in touch with the Redditor who sparked this discussion, and they were kind enough to chat with us about their post and cheating in relationships in general. The user told us they posted this question as a way to cope with a breakup they’re currently trying to get over. "My girlfriend of 3 years overstepped some boundaries a couple of times which meant I had to leave her since the trust was broken," they told Bored Panda. "Also, I wanted to know what other people's boundaries in relationships are because I was uncertain if mine are actually reasonable."
The Redditor explained they did not expect their post to blow up as much as it did. In just over a week, the thread has amassed over 3k comments, proving the question deeply resonated with many members of the community. "The topic of infidelity is tied to strong emotion and a lot of people have had their own experiences that certainly came with a lot of pain," the user guessed the reason for such engagement.
I'd say, having romantic feelings for someone else and following through on those feelings with the other person.
Crushes, fantasies, and whatnot happen all the time for pretty much everyone. The difference between cheating and being human is what you do with those feelings.
It's all about intent and actions. Just having feelings is only natural.
Yes. It's human to feel attracted to other people and have crushes. It's a part of life. It's unrealistic to never look at another human being and have desires (in long term relationships.). But you never act on it if you want to respect your partner (in monogamy relationships). You choose your partner and it's an active choice.
If you would be upset if your partner did it to you, it's cheating.
I think the two basic litmus tests are
Would you tell them/do it in front of them?
Would you be okay with it if they did the same thing?
If the answer is yes to both, it’s probably fine. If it’s no to either, then at minimum you’re on dangerous ground
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The author of this thread believes that people cheat because they are missing something in the relationship. "They might communicate poorly with their partner. Or it might even be something within themselves that their partner was never able to give them in the first place," they told us. "They lack self-awareness or lie to themselves and make one bad decision after the other leading them down the wrong path."
Honestly it's about intentions more than anything. If my SO started pursuing someone romantically that's cheating - doesn't matter if it's lovey dovey texting or f*****g. If my SO was at a party and a drunk person kissed him suddenly against his wishes, that's not cheating.
At the end of the day it comes down to them wanting to be with another person and they aren't being honest about it. The polite thing to do, even though it's painful and hard and sad, is to break up. Breaking up is never s**ttier than cheating.
Say it louder for the ones in the back: Breaking up is never shittier than cheating. First communicate, agree on the relationship values and "rules". If an agreement is not achieved, or there are 'misunderstandings', communicate some more - and if you can't both be happy with what the other requires in a relationship with you, please break up (never cheat). Let the other be free, and feel respected.
Lies. It always starts with lies. Be it texts or snaps, if one of us have to lie or hide, it's wrong and should not happen.
Don't lie, then you have to remember that lie the next time you're asked about it and so on and so forth. Make it easier for yourself, don't lie. (I'm only talking about relationships in other situations you can lie your butt off lol)
If you wouldn't want your partner to know, it's cheating.
I wouldn't flirt with someone else in front of my partner, so I don't flirt with people when he's not around either.
Yes, exactly. My partner and I will flirt with others sometimes, but we are both cool with it. If either of you aren't, then stop.
To get to the bottom of this question, we reached out to Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., Ph.D., a psychology professor at Monmouth University, relationship expert, and author of Stronger Than You Think: The 10 Blind Spots That Undermine Your Relationship…and How to See Past Them. "According to research, the most common signs of cheating include growing apathy toward the relationship, spending time with a rival, and changes in routine. Importantly, though these are signs of potential cheating, seeing these doesn’t mean cheating is automatically happening," he explained.
The sneaking around.
The second you start plotting to do something behind my back. You're violating the trust of the relationship.
My ex kept telling me I'd ruin our relationship if I met his friends (both girls, both exes). He also said I wasn't entitled to meet his friends (we've been dating for 5 months and he said he wanted to live with me someday). Basically I started getting uncomfortable about his relationship to these women and he would tell me I was accusing him anytime I asked anything about them. Literally anything. I don't know if he was doing something physical or actively in a romantic relationship with them, or just felt his friendships were a bit flirty or inappropriate and didn't want me to know but... not worth putting up with it.
When any sort of romantic investment in another person starts occurring. If my partner was texting someone and saying they loved them in a romantic way that would be enough to end things. Because at that point, they have made up their mind and have stated their intentions.
Noticing new suspicious behaviors in our partners can immediately sound the alarm that things just don’t add up anymore. Sure, they may have alternate explanations, but you can’t help but listen to what your gut is telling you. Then, you need to be sure your concerns are valid before jumping to conclusions and deciding what to do next. Usually, that can be done by getting confirmation from your partner, the person they’re cheating with, or simply finding cold, hard proof.
The Redditor told us that being cheated on is one of the biggest fears most people have in a relationship. "If your partner cheats, that immediately plunges everything into uncertainty. You cannot comprehend why the person you trusted the most could do such a thing," they told us. "The future you imagined vanishes and whatever you do, you will not get satisfying answers as to why that happened. You might even question your own self-worth or become distrustful of others."
Watching an episode of a series we’re watching together on Netflix without me.
If the text messages need to be deleted, it’s cheating.
I delete text messages but that's more of a organizational thing.
In the lying. If you want to f**k someone else, tell me. Maybe we can come to an understanding or maybe we can't, but the strongest relationships I've ever had were the ones where one of us would see a hottie (of either gender) walk by, and the other would nudge so we both could appreciate that s**t.
I once was in a relationship where we had an agreement that if my girlfriend (who was very bi) needed sex that didn't involve a penis, she had the green light to go and get it. I acknowledged that there are factors in that kind of sex I can't replicate so that was totally fair. I never suffered from it, and she seemed happier for it.
Just make sure to keep it safe, get tested etc etc. Other than that, kudos to your communication between each other.
But when most of us think of our loved ones having an affair with someone else, we often envision forms of physical intimacy. However, that’s not always the case. "It’s also possible to engage in emotional infidelity where a person forms a deep emotional connection with someone other than their partner," relationship expert Lewandowski said.
"With emotional infidelity, a partner starts to spend quality time with someone, share more substantial feelings (their insecurities, dreams and aspirations), they may share secrets, or simply just seek out this other person to share things with before they even share with their partner. Though not everyone considers these behaviors by themselves cheating, they are certainly 'gateway behaviors' that make physical cheating more likely," he continued.
If there’s a grey area, it’s cheating. If you know they will be upset, it’s cheating. If you have to hide it/lie/omit details. It’s cheating.
please be aware that these standards may not be applicable in an abusive or controlling environment as well.
The intent.
For me, an ex of mine that would later cheat on me started a tinder profile in which she claimed she "just wanted to find friends" and she certainly found quite a few of them. Obviously, she didn't just want friends.
It could be as small as reaching out to an ex to say happy birthday, but most people have the intent to do something well before it is executed.
Well I count emotional affairs as cheating, but this can be difficult to define. Because I want my partner to be able to have good, supportive, close friendships with other people. I just don't want them to replace me, or for him to be closer to them as he is to me. And I don't want it to cross obvious boundaries (physical intimacy).
I generally walk the line of if something bothers me I talk to him about it. Afterwards if it still doesn't feel right and I'm not happy then I would need to make a decision.
"When it comes to your own behaviors (physical or emotional), you don’t get to decide whether you’re cheating or not…your partner does. So while you may think your behavior is completely innocent (e.g., flirting), if your partner isn’t comfortable with it, they could consider it cheating," he told us.
According to Lewandowski, signs of emotional infidelity include reluctance to discuss someone, emotional disengagement, being inconsiderate, and avoidance. "You may also notice more signs of dissatisfaction, guilt, anxiety, anger, and criticism from your partner."
Cheating occurs when boundaries have been broken. What those boundaries are, is going to differ between relationships.
However, cheating (or not respecting boundaries) is a symptom of a much larger, fundamental problem with the relationship. That problem is usually a breakdown of communication, but could be (but not exclusively) intimacy issues, abuse (mental, physical and/or sexual), mental health of one or more in the relationship. To put it more plainly, people in fulfilling, well functioning, stable relationships don't cheat.
Although I understand the logic behind this one and it may be the case some of the time, there are exceptions. Some people can't be satisfied with a "fulfilling, well functioning, stable relationship". They are going to cheat anyway because that's what they do. It's not always a symptom of an inadequate relationship.
When you’re hiding the nature of a “friendship” from your partner and the rest of the social circle because it’s becoming slightly more than a friendship and you aren’t shutting it down, you’re hiding an affair.
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First tier would be texting another dude in a non-platonic way.
Second tier would be actually hanging out with this person behind my back and lying about where you were.
Third tier is any kind of non-platonic physical contact, holding hands to f*****g, it's all the same to me.
Edit: lots of replies about holding hands: yes is very PG rated, but you don't hold hands with someone you don't have feelings for. You don't hold hands with someone you're not emotionally invested in. You can f**k someone and not be emotionally invested in them. To me holding hands is almost worse but in a different way.
The suspicion that you’ve been cheated on is a terrible feeling that can make it feel like your whole world is quickly turning upside down. If you’re unsure how to ease your worries, Lewandowski explained that it all comes down to communication, like with all relationship problems. "In a non-accusatory way, explain to your partner how you feel. Remember, most people don’t cheat in their relationship, so odds are that your partner isn’t being unfaithful. With that in mind, you can also focus on strengthening aspects of your relationship (e.g., spend more time together doing new and exciting activities) to help you feel more confident about the state of your relationship," he concluded.
I am aware my opinion is going to be in the minority.
Pretty much physical stuff is the only thing I consider cheating. She can flirt with guys, hell even have an only fans and I wouldnt care, but if she lets someone fondle her boobs or kiss her thats crossing a line for me.
This is solely dictated by the boundaries that you and your partner set in your specific relationship. Best way to avoid this kind of trouble is to have healthy communication between each other and setting these boundaries early. If you come to a disagreement, either manage a compromise or find someone else who’s boundaries match your own.
Personally, I don't mind flirting in public with a stranger if it's fully understood that it's not going anywhere and contact information isn't exchanged. Emotional cheating is a precursor to physical cheating a represents a need for couple's therapy. My wife of 10 years physically cheated on me with someone she had known for 2 weeks. I wanted to go to therapy and fix things given we had 2 kids. She didn't. She regretted it later when things approached divorce, but it was too late. I had begun to move on and why would I want to be with someone who didn't choose me?
As cheesy as it sounds, it starts with your motive, intention, and conscience. I think there's a clear cut difference between physical cheating and mental/emotional cheating, but it all relates to your honest motive, intention, and conscience.
For exampple, there isn't anything inherently wrong with texting with another person if you are married or dating, but if you know in your heart that you are texting or engaging in conversation that makes you feel guilty or it would make your partner upset, you may be doing something wrong, even if you technically did not cheat. If at any point you are justifying your actions or defending your actions/feelings/thoughts from a technical perspective, you may be at the start of doing something wrong.
As long as you keep it in your mind, just fantazising about someone else, you're in the clear as far as I'm concerned. Sexting and surroundings, such as flirting, are considered a less serious degree of cheating and I may be willing to forgive it, depending on circumstances. From the actual kiss onwards you're in the breaking up zone in case I find out, as far as I'm concerned. For this there's no forgiveness by any means, never.
I like your entry the most. It shows levels of cheating and the willingness to work things out. But when a certain line is crossed the relationship is over with not compromise or forgiveness.
First step of cheating to me is dishonesty, lying and hiding stuff from your S/O is a red flag.
For me it was: i’m going few days vacation with my male friend. We will stay in the same hotel room but sleep in a different beds.
I told her I am not comfortable with this, but she went any way.
I did this in 2019, had a pre-christmas long weekend with my dear friend Matteo in London. We went for dinner in romantic places, took long walks, shopped...and when we went back to hotel, we shared a bed. Nothing happened. Maybe because Matteo is as gay as the day is long.
the second your partner gives in to the temptation of wondering if the grass is greener. as soon it’s acted on the flood gates are open. if you can’t take being approached in public by a stranger asking for your number with the intent to go out then that sums up your current relationship.
I think there's emotional and physical cheating
Emotional Openly flirting, nudes etc
Physical kissing onwards
Poll: Do nudes count as physical cheating? Not in the sense that you have been physically initiate with someone, but in the sense that the nudes could count as an invitation and you are sharing images of yourself which should be for your partners eyes, unless you've agreed otherwise? I would say yes, nudes are physically cheating...
Cheating starts at lying, even by omission. I am okay with private conversations, meeting people she wants to meet, going away on business trips or going out and coming back late at night. But lying to me about it or about what happened? Or simply not telling me something I don't want to hear ? That's cheating.
So:
* "I will go out tonight, to see people you don't know and talk about things you don't care about": we are in the clear, it is fine.
* "I saw X and Y last night at their place": if I know for sure that it is not true, then there is some cheating involved.
It only works if you are not a creep, or even jealous. There needs to be mutual trust and respect. When trust and respect are gone, the relationship is gone too.
Cheating for me is if my husband didn’t inform me of his relationship/sexual status with another person, or if he had sex with someone else without protection.
But it is equally fair that for some, it can be flirting or looking up porn. If that is what boundaries were set and agreed upon by the people in the relationship.
If you feel the need to lie or cover something up, it’s probably cheating.
What about having sex with protection,it does not count as cheating,right?
I'll give a bit of a different perspective here as someone in an ENM/Swinging relationship. For me, it would begin at secrets and open disrespect from my wife's other partners. We undertook this to have fun, both together and separately, and it all hinges on honesty. If she were to "go out with one of her girl friends" but end up going over to a f**k buddy's instead without telling me, I'd be crushed. If one of her/our f**k buddies were to talk s**t on me or our partnership and she didn't shut it down or outright joined in, our marriage would be over.
On the flip side, I am 100% on board with her traveling with some of our LS friends. We are all close and I trust them implicitly. It really does just come down to boundaries.
I see lots of comments here about flirting. I think it's important that you establish limits of flirting. I am a male and I have a large group of female friends. I have female friends that we are open about sex, sexual experiences, admitted you're attractive,etc but also admit we have no intent for eachother.
When my gf and I started dating I told her you can check my phone all you want and you will see texts that might be pretty open with girls but I promised her I don't have nudes or anything of the sense for pleasure. I just said look I have many female friends that I can be flirty/weird with and if you want to be with me you have to accept that and learn to trust me. I am a firm believer that me being honest from the start with her is why it works.
To me, cheating just means breaking the rules. I've been in all kinds of relationships, ranging from 100% strictly monogamous to completely polyamorous. Regardless of the type of relationship, we negotiate our specified boundaries, and breaking them is cheating. And there's always a thin line with some behavior. Even in a strictly monogamous relationship, i feel like innocent flirting is okay. However, hiding that from the other person would, in my view, constitute cheating. If i hide something from my partner, then it was not okay. If it was okay, i wouldn't hide it.
That is how I see it too. Vocalize your boundaries between you. Talk about them. It is completely ok, if cheating starts behind the line of underpanties for you. But it is also ok if you both agree on having sex or affairs outside your relationship. Just use a condom and basic hygiene standards, not to endanger the other person. But the alpha and omega should be consent on all sides. If you do it without consent or understanding, it is probably cheating
Once I lose respect and realize that I'm just being used.
I used to let people do that to me. Now I do the right thing and I break the hell up with that person.
First, let me say I grew up outside NYC, and completely agree with the idea that cheating is cheating ... there's not a lot of gray area. NOW, having said that, I've been living in Thailand for 13+ years, and they see it very differently. It's almost to be expected within a relationship that there will be some degree of cheating. For Americans, cheating is often the end of relationship. For Thai, if your lover cheats on you, they would first forgive or ignore, so long as you are their main lover. That's a very very different mindset. Then there is this whole movement to question monogamy over-all. It's all a very emotional question, but it should be noted that the lines you draw in the sand are very subjective.
Most of my relationships have been of the "extrovert adopts an introvert" variety (I'm the introvert). So, as a result, there's plenty of times where my SO goes to do things without me. I'm totally fine with them going to bar or concert or whatever (usually with friends).
Contrary to what others have said in this thread, I'm also fine with the fact that they are probably flirting a little when I'm not around. And, I'm fine with them hiding it! I mean, why would you tell me? Even my weird introverted a*s flirts with people. I don't bring it up at dinner though. Nor, would I do it right in front of them. But, I wouldn't qualify that as cheating either.
I understand that you're asking where that line is for other people, and that insight could be valuable to you. I'm not sure why you're asking, but I do think this needs to be said, just in case....
What is considered cheating is different for different people because relationships and expectations are different from person to person. This makes communication the most important part of any relationship. If you don't fully understand what your partner expects from you, how can you possibly meet those expectations? And this applies to the other way around as well. If you don't discuss in detail what is and isn't acceptable behavior to you, then how do you expect your partner to meet your expectations?
If this thread was posted out of concern over your partner's behavior, talk to your partner, not redditors.
A piece of advice. Please don’t cheat on your partner when you have invested so much time and effort to keep them. Relationships are a form of investment that goes in the long run, don’t waste your time building something special with someone you’ll cheat on in the end.
I think people need to discuss their boundaries with a partner.
For me, it would be the point when a friendship crosses into an emotional affair. At that point, they begin prioritising the other person over you, and give them the emotional intimacy they should be reserving for you.
By the time it gets physical, your partner has long withdrawn from you emotionally.
When the other parter is distant from you and seems to be more invested about the goings on of that person they're intending to cheat with.
All (real) cheating is based on emotions, I think.
Someone sleeping around while they're in a relationship isn't even cheating anymore, it's a f*****g lifestyle.
I think cheating is about intention, feel free to disagree but until you want there to be something with someone else you're not doing anything wrong.
Likewise, the moment you want something going on with someone else I think you're doing something wrong even if you're not actually following through with it, or in many cases you're simply unable to.
Dreams don't count, thoughts that pop in your head are out of your control, but when you start wanting that to be your reality it matters, even if you never act on it.
Texting another person regardless of gender is not cheating on its own, neither is hanging out with them without your partner, all of this can be done among friends with boundaries. Again, at least for me, cheating is about intent. If I'm hanging out with someone else with the intent or hope of sparking something with them, I'm cheating long before anything happens. Equally so, if I'm genuinely hanging out with them for friendship with no intent of stepping out of my relationship, I'm not cheating on my partner.
The only gray area which I would be wary of is when you hang out with someone that has feelings for you, even if you don't have feelings for them, this can be problematic for many reasons and should be handled with the consideration of your partner.
Separate from cheating, I think you should avoid situations that you have to lie to your partner about, if you can't honestly tell them where you were because you know they wouldn't approve, stop. If you think your partner is being unreasonable, discuss it, I don't believe it's ever a good idea to hide this kind of thing from your partner to avoid making them angry, it will eventually end the relationship. It's much better to address it and if no resolve is possible go your separate ways, better now than later when it hurts more.
It starts when you become more emotionally invested than a friend & do nothing to stop it. You seek it out. You desire that person and try to make them feel the same way for you.
When I was younger, I inadvertently allowed someone to emotionally cheat on their partner with me. In hindsight I learned - if you tell someone something your partner wouldn’t want them to know, that’s emotional cheating. Obvious exception being situations where you are being abused/mistreated and need help or advice.
In this case he would tell me that his partner felt threatened by me and was uncomfortable with our friendship. Through my lens at the time I thought this was a non issue because I wouldn’t cross that boundary, but looking back, the fact that they would tell me this personal info despite their partners wishes was already crossing a line.
My ex emotionally cheated on me. So I know that feeling.
At first I wanted to support him, having a best friend that’s of the opposite sex. I too have a lot of close guy friends that’s fine.
But it was when he started to go to these fun activities without me but her, really hurt a lot.
They went skating and all, not even when I was with him he took me skating. Hurts like a f**king b**ch
Not all physical cheating happens due to emotional cheating, but emotional cheating inevitably leads to physical cheating. It's the slow burn that over time makes the eventual physical contact almost irresistible, which is why you never go down that road to begin with. If you've got butterflies for someone who isn't your partner, either shut that person out or leave your partner. I think it's extremely black and white. Everyone knows when they've got a little connection with someone. Playing with the connection is playing with fire, which is why I agree with you OP, the cheating starts when you let the fire burn rather than snuffing it.
Or talk to your partner "Oh, I have such a crush on x!" Crushes aren't cheating. Talk through with your partner what contact you have with this person, discuss what the boundries are. If your co-worker is gorgeous and funny, and you have a crush, you can't cut off all contact - you can ensure that you have only work related contact, and reserve emotional intimacy, and "best friend"-ship for your partner. If it's someone in your acquaintance circle, maybe the boundry is that you never see them alone, only in group settings, and only communicate with them in the group chat, never in private.
It depends on what each couple would consider to be off limits.
A good guide is if you're doing something you would hide from your partner or wouldn't do it if they were in the room with you, then that's cheating.
It can range from having sex with someone else, to simply flirting...
For me, The first step towards Cheating is dishonesty. The smallest of the lies / hiding facts is a case of infidelity waiting to happen.
Entertaining another person and thus giving them the idea something (both emotional and physical/sexual) could happen between the two of them. I’ll even go as far and say if my partner texts, calls or meet up with someone but feels the need to hide it from me I’ll consider it cheating
I think a good guideline is if you wouldn't want them doing it(whatever it is) don't do it. If you wouldn't be okay with doing it in front of them, don't do it.
If you have to lie or sneak around your SO, what you're doing isn't good for the relationship.
At any point where you're actively doing something you wouldn't tell your partner like texting someone of the opposite sex. If you feel guilty, it's cheating.
The moment you decide it's wrong enough to hide or avoid them seeing it. I would say that's the moment you decided to be a little cheating b***h Michelle!
As someone married to a husband and having a girlfriend, too, cheating starts where something happens hidden/secretely. We agreed on discussing everything openly in advance. So for me cheating on my husband would start by seeing my gf without telling him. But in all honesty, the best part is, I don't have any reason to not tell him. I guess if it ever occurs that I would like to keep it as a secret from him, the cheating-border is crossed and something is going wrong in our relationship.
If you expect your partner share every single thought and feeling with you, the issue is not honesty. It's control.
As someone married to a husband and having a girlfriend, too, cheating starts where something happens hidden/secretely. We agreed on discussing everything openly in advance. So for me cheating on my husband would start by seeing my gf without telling him. But in all honesty, the best part is, I don't have any reason to not tell him. I guess if it ever occurs that I would like to keep it as a secret from him, the cheating-border is crossed and something is going wrong in our relationship.
If you expect your partner share every single thought and feeling with you, the issue is not honesty. It's control.
