People Who Regret Their Original Plan Of Being Nice And Working Really Hard Share When It Hit Them That This Wouldn’t Work (30 Answers)
Interview
Life seemed so simple when we were kids. Follow the rules, and you won’t get in trouble. Be kind to others, and the world will return that kindness. Work hard, and you’ll be rewarded with success. Unfortunately, at some point, we realize that the world is not black and white, and we can’t predict the future or how others will treat us.
2 days ago, Reddit user OwOKronii shared a screenshot of a tweet from Kate Lister asking readers how old they were when they realized that “being really nice, working really hard, and taking on much more than [they] should” would not automatically earn them rewards. Since then, readers have flooded the replies with their own personal epiphanies. We’ve gone through to find some of the most impactful responses and gathered them for you to read and reflect on. We also reached out to OwOKronii, so you can hear what inspired him to start this conversation down below. Enjoy reading through these thought-provoking answers, then if you’re interested in hearing even more, you can check out Bored Panda’s last publication on the same topic right here.
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I was 35 and had just been passed over for a promotion I absolutely deserved for the third time. The only other applicant was someone with less than three years at the company. I was literally told I was too good at my current job to promote. That was the day I walked to my desk and became an average employee, no more working overtime, no more volunteering for projects. I put in my time and I go home, no more no less. When confronted about my sudden “lack of productivity” my response was basically “I busted my a*s for years trying to move up the ladder only to be told I was too valuable to move up. Since I know this is a dead end job now, I’m not doing anything extra”
Meanwhile the people that rise above you are actually rising to their level of incompetence as their previous skills don't translate to the new position. The Peter Principle is real.
In a perfect world, hard work and kindness would be rewarded with equal amounts of rewards and acknowledgement. Our culture, however, tends to push the idea that being nice is a weakness, and cutthroat business practices are encouraged. To hear a little more about what inspired this conversation on Reddit in the first place, we reached out to OwOKronii to hear why this tweet resonated with him.
“Seeing how society treats the average person, whether, in school or work, I think this post has shined some light on the issue,” he told us. We also asked him if he thinks working hard and being kind are worth it if they’re not rewarded or acknowledged. He remains optimistic, telling us, “I believe working hard enough for your satisfaction is always worth it, even if others do not necessarily acknowledge it.”
24/25. Basically, after I'd been in the world of work for a few years to see how the game operates. Quiet, diligent workers aren't valued nearly as much as louder but far less knowledable individuals. Rude awakening for me.
Being managed by one of the louder, FAR less knowledgeable is the worst... then being thrown under the bus and wholly blamed... then punished because of the less knowledgeable, louder co-worker... the cycle is vicious.
I swear, this is what I love about my company. Putting the wage discussion aside for a moment, the non wage benefits and company culture are amazing. 1 month into my temp to perm assignment, my MIL passed away. I told my hr person, 100% ready to walk away and instead was met with "family first, go do what you need to do". Almost 6 years later and im still here.
Next, we asked OwOKronii if he has ever been discouraged from working hard after being ignored or taken advantage of. “In a way, I would say I have been discouraged before,” he told us. “I feel like everyone has been disillusioned from believing working hard will achieve great things,” he continued. “But what's important to me is not disappointing yourself.”
He makes a good point, acknowledging that it's more important to not disappoint yourself than to not disappoint others. Who cares what anybody else thinks anyway? But time and time again, we are told that hard work is responsible for our successes, and our shortcomings are blamed on not working hard enough.
45. When I finally left a job where the owner of the company berated and yelled at me constantly in front of a room full of people. I was NOT bad at my job, he was just a garbage human being who wanted to get a ride out of me. He never, ever, got one. Which is why he kept getting more persistent.
When you’re the sole provider of a family, it’s harder to just deck a mf in the face and walk out.
Another thing is that, as a black man, I quickly started to realise that it didn't matter what I did or how much I tried to play by the rules I would always be judged by the actions of other black men and the inherent biases people have first and foremost, not by my own individual behaviour or achievements. When I succeed, it doesn't matter because others like me didn't. When I fail, it's just proof that I can't be trusted or am inherently weak/inferior.
So I realised (arguably too late) that I can't ever give a s**t about society, the opinions of others or really anything besides myself and the people I care about. As far as I'm concerned, all the rest of it can burn.
I was 16 years old when I was sent to my 6th foster home and I realized that no matter how hard you work, with a good attitude, and doing as much as you can, some people will never give a fu*k about you. BUT when I was 16 this last foster family wanted to adopt me because of how good I was, so it was then that I learned that there really is people that will see the good and you will be rewarded. You just have to disqualify people quickly and try to keep moving till you find the right people to work with.
This happened in my career too, when I was 24, 28, 32, and 36.. I made moves after working as hard as I could consistently and performing at a high level but as soon as I realized it wasn’t valued?
I knew that wasn’t the right “foster family” since I’m an adult now, I can choose to stay or leave. So I nicely, kindly and with thanks left whichever the job was not serving me and have continued to grow personally and financially from this.
Zoe Beaty at Refinery29 realized that this idea is outdated, so she sought to update readers' mindsets on it in her piece, ‘Work Hard & You’ll Succeed’ Simply Isn’t True, So Let’s Stop Saying It. She explains how oversimplifying the idea that hard work equals success can be insulting, and even harmful, because not everyone has had the same opportunities in life. As life coach Harriet Minter says, “The whole 'we have the same 24 hours as Beyoncé' thing is, for want of a better word, bollocks. We don’t all enter the workplace on the same playing field. While we continue to live and work in a society that favors white, middle class, straight, cisgendered, able-bodied, thin people, this mantra can only truly apply to the few.” People like Donald Trump might see hard work as the reason for their success, as he made clear many times on Twitter and in speeches, but it’s much more nuanced than that. There are always contributing factors making some people need to work much harder than others.
Like 30? Was my job before my current job where I worked crazy shift patterns over their busiest period when others refused making them millions to then get 0 bonus whilst others got bonuses and then they back tracked on offering me a new contract. Literally had me train my replacement without my knowledge who would get paid less. Just to be told by my manager he did all he could to fight for me.
Now I realise that the only person looking out for me is me and I won’t be walked over again.
I tell that to the younger people I work with. If you don't look out for yourself no one else will. Stand up for yourself!
28. Got fired and my boss literally said, "you used to work so much harder but are now just doing the job you were hired for. As a PhD I expect more out of you." Important note, I was a contract, not full time employee and had no PTO, sick leave, heath insurance. Everyone else I worked with had all that and full time employees as not a PhD (not shaming, just saying that I wasn't paid for my experience level but expected to work harder).
Working at Whole Foods. December 23rd, 2016. We were busy as heck, everything looked great, we were cranking with customers.
Regional president showed up, pulled me aside. She says, "one of your part timers doesn't have an apron on. Why is it every time I'm here, one of your team is out of dress code?"
Didn't last long after that. Took my leading the area numbers elsewhere, and don't regret the move for a second. Haven't set foot in one of their stores since, and never will.
“Hard work alone cannot override a gender pay gap and it can't prevent unconscious bias from filling offices with people who all look (and likely speak) the same,” Zoe says in her article. She also spoke to Arnie Puntis, a physiotherapist for the NHS who didn’t even realize until a few years ago that she may have faced discrimination. “I’d always worked hard – before I had kids I would frequently stay late, take on extra work and make sure I was doing the absolute best I could,” Arnie said. “But looking back, I was the only Asian in my physio school. Comments that I 'speak well', I think, differentiated me; colleagues assumed that I’d been privately educated and treated me as such. Previous employers have said things to me like 'you’re basically white' as though I should be pleased with that. I’m not – I’m brown. If I hadn't been 'accepted' as 'one of them', would my hard work have been rewarded so willingly?”
after I was passed over for a promotion working for a company for over 5 years. It was game over and I refused to work for them anymore. I wasn't walking the new idiot manager thru everything by the nose and explaining everything to him while he makes double.
Everyone says if you dont like it LEAVE ; THEN when you announce your leaving they all act shocked and surprised...............
Boss: If you don’t like it, leave. Employee: Okay, Bye!!! Boss: -surprised Pikachu face-
Heh. Keeps happening. When I was 25, realized I had to go take things I wanted in my career. Then I mellowed to my default style. At 40, I had to make it about myself again and not rely on anyone else’s “attaboy.”
Now in my mid 50s, I do a great job, but it’s not for the boss or for any affirmation. I know what value I bring, but it’s for my kids’ college and my retirement accounts. If those aren’t being served, I’ll move on.
I was 29, nearly having a burnout. My boss sent me to a workshop learning to cope with heavy workload and saying “no” to work. On my first try in real life (on the job), I got fired for refusing to obey my managers instructions.
Rachel Simmons at the New York Times also addressed the issue of knowing what to tell our kids when they still fail, despite being told hard work would inevitably lead to success. She explains that the issue with feeling responsible for our successes is that it can make our downfalls feel devastating. We blame ourselves for doing something wrong, rather than realizing something outside of our control might have happened. There is also the idea of “cruel optimism”, a term that University of Chicago Professor Lauren Berlant coined for “when the pursuit of a goal actually harms you because it is largely unachievable”. Rachel goes on to explain that we shouldn’t discourage our kids from doing their best, but instilling the belief in them that if they work hard enough they can achieve anything is not really in their best interest either. Sometimes, life just happens, and we shouldn’t take it personally.
23 when I was in the Air Force. I'd sign up for volunteering, do extra assignments, crushing exams then when my flight was getting new bases the group f**k up gets Italy and I got Idaho. All that work meant nothing.
this is called "the curse of competence"... it happens a lot to highly competent workers and engineers who can't understand why they are never promoted
Send you to Italy, or to a base in Idaho near things way more important (Cheyenne Mtn, NORAD, etc.).... I think he got Idaho for a reason. And the group f*ckup got Italy for one, too.
Ha! As an Idahoan, that's rough. This is a beautiful place, but holy s**t, they put that AFB in the most boring, bass ackwards, blasted hellscape in this state.
It's the only flat part of the State that allows for constant flying.
Load More Replies... One thing I learned working for the prison system: The better you do your job, the less likely you will every be promoted away from that job.
I knew an Airman that had something similar to this happen. His first draw out of Tech School was Vance AFB in the middle of nowhere Oklahoma. For his first PCS draw he got Laughlin AFB in one of the middle of nowheres Texas. He, fortunately, had an awesome shop supervisor who traded places with him. I think he had to stay at VAFB for another year but it got him into the rotation for a possibly better draw.
Your assignment to Idaho had nothing to do with good or bad performance. It is just where the AF needed you at that time. It's that simple.
Working for a government owned / funded organization simply means advancement or awards aren't based on proven performance. What on earth were you thinking to expect that?
Was that the guy that ended up crashing into a ski lift in the Italian Alps?
I remember a summer job like this!!! At the end of summer there was "the big decision" about who would be kept on as part-time during the non-peak periods.... and who would be let go... and the person who was *caught on camera* stealing from the till was kept (buddies with one of the managers) - the rest of us? Not so much.
28, when my boss stole a deposit and tried to have me prosecuted for it. The case eventually got thrown out for lack of evidence, but defending myself cost several thousand dollars more than what she'd taken.
That is so aweful and boss should be criminally prosecuted for both the theft and for lying to authorities!
I don't have a life goal anymore. Just like Vince Vaughn's character said in *Dodgeball*, something like: if you don't have a goal, you are never disappointed, and let me tell you it feels great.
I just work and chill, over and over, until I [pass away].
My goal has been the same one for 15 yrs, get land and a small cabin and some bees. ☺️ Work wise, no goal, make enough money to live off of.
But just because hard work and kindness aren’t always rewarded, doesn’t mean that we should give up on them altogether. In fact, there are plenty of reasons we should still aim to be nice, including how it can benefit our health. Acts of kindness can boost our serotonin levels and release endorphins. So if you’re considering bringing your coworker a cup of coffee spontaneously, remember that it’ll probably make their day and yours better. According to a study on happiness from the University of British Columbia, participating in acts of kindness can also ease anxiety by increasing the participant's positive affect, or how they experience positive moods. Similarly, prosocial behaviors, or actions “intended to help others” have been found to reduce stress. When we step outside of ourselves and focus on doing something nice for someone else, our stressors tend to shrink.
21 after I spent 70hrs a week at my job as a manager in a failing store making $9 an hr and still being under appreciated. I think I got a 5 cent raise after a year.
43-this year-when I realized that I’ve worked for the same place for 12 years, done everything job they asked, worked 60+ hours a weeks for YEARS. Ashamed to say choosing the job sometimes over my kids, thinking I was doing right by them. They are adults now and I’m full of regrets about how much I was away from them. Plus, essential workers got s**t on during COVID (I’m a nurse and I LOVE my job). Once I let go of the idea I could make a difference in the workplace culture, I felt so free! I wish I’d realized this sooner.
I tell the kids starting their careers. I promise you will not be on your deathbed thinking "if i only finished that project for my boss". Live your life and when the clock hits 5pm, do not look back.
Hmmm the first time it happened I think I was 19 or 20. Instead of putting in my two week’s notice, I worked two jobs for about 2-3 months to help them transition. I worked my a** off. Usually when someone leaves they throw some sort of party, everyone signs a card, etc. I was told I was the best manager that ever worked at that location. I didn’t even get so much as a card or a goodbye on my last day. They were upset that I was leaving. When you leave a job, most of the time they’re going to be mad no matter how much you do to help them.
When something happens and you don’t get a card or a party but everyone else does, you realize that you are the only one organizing cards and parties.
Dr. Amra Rao, a Consultant Clinical Psychologist, wrote about the psychological benefits of being kind for The British Psychological Society, and she mentioned the importance of remembering to show kindness to ourselves as well. The more self-compassion we have, the more compassion we can have for others. We must not be too critical of ourselves, instead we should try to understand what we are feeling and experiencing. When we are more gentle with ourselves, we can see the same reductions of anxiety and stress as when we help others, and we will be in a much better place to strengthen our bonds and relationships. It's a beautiful cycle of kindness leading to positive affects that make us want to continue showing kindness.
I’m 32 and only just now, in the past 2 years or so, have I stopped feeling like the world is fundamentally good and just, and that if you work hard and go above and beyond for people then good things would happen to you. I’m ashamed it took me so long to shake off that naïveté and realise that people will happily use you and take advantage of you without a second thought if you let them. Now I’m starting to do the bare minimum that I need to do just to get through the day.
There are working people in their 50's ad 60's who still haven't figured this out.
It's the last part about taking on more than you should that is the mistake most people make, myself included.
It wasn't until I was in my mid thirties and through therapy learned I can say 'no' and still be 'nice'. In fact, people tend to respect people who respect their own boundaries.
As a corollary, I can demand (not just ask) to be treated / paid fairly and also still be considered nice and respected.
The trick for me was I had to learn how to give myself the same respect I gave others. That was hard, still is, but at least I'm better at recognizing when I'm being disrespectful to myself.
Absolutely, saying no doesn't mean you're not nice. In fact, disagreeing can be the nicest thing you can do in some situations. Being nice isn't about being a pushover. It's about framing your messages in a kind way.
A couple of months ago I realized this, almost 40 years old. It doesn’t matter what I bring to the table. If the bosses like you, they like you. A coworker of mine does much less than I do and he was given a much larger merit raise recently.
My younger sister recently quit a job for this reason. She worked at a name-brand cosmetics store. She was their best salesperson, to the point that her manager told her that their store’s average sales on the days she was working were up 15%. She got two raises and a promotion within 6 months, due in part to the fact that she knows as much about skincare as a licensed aesthetician. She is openly queer, and surprisingly was always treated with respect and dignity by her coworkers. Seeing how well my sister was treated, one of her coworkers came out. She was by no means a bad worker— but she was bullied, harassed, and ridiculed by the managers. When my sister found out, she tried to change things (sister had a fair amount of clout in the store because she was such a money maker) and discovered that that was impossible. After an agonizing few days of soul searching, she handed in her two weeks’ notice. This was her dream job. I have never been so proud! 🥰
Working hard can also be satisfying for us personally, even if nobody else is acknowledging that hard work. According to psychologist Martin Seligman, author of Authentic Happiness, we actually find rewards much more enticing when we have to work hard for them. In his book, Seligman provides the example of a lizard whose appetite couldn’t be awakened until he had to work for his food. Being given dead flies, fruit and pork wasn’t interesting him. But once there was a ham sandwich hiding underneath a newspaper, the lizard jumped at the opportunity to destroy the newspaper and then go to town on the sandwich. Humans are much more complex than lizards, but the idea that working hard for something makes it more satisfying rings true for us too.
As soon as I joined the "REAL" world a.k.a my first job!
You know, as a student you reap what you saw, which was almost always in my favour cause I'm what you can call good mixture of smart and hardworking (nothing special but definitely above average)!
That s**t doesn't help you when you step out there! You win or you fail and most of the times it depends on someone else! S**t's depressing sometimes NGL!!!
30. Employee of the year at an IT company and got a belt buckle. Moved on, things worked out very well, but I never gave a company my life again.
I dunno - I have worked really hard in my profession for 20 years and have been consistently rewarded & treated like a valued contributor. I know the whole purpose on this sub is to p**s and moan but just wanted to say it doesn’t have to be like this for everyone
Nnnnoooo...it doesn't have to be like this for everyone. But it shouldn't be this way for anyone. There are others with equal experiences to this OP who have worked just as hard, only to find it wasn't enough in the end. It isn't just about working hard. It's sometimes the people one knows, the area one lives in, social standing, race, religion, gender, sexuality, all these things, that affect how successful one is in life.
Barbara Fredrickson, a professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina, says that the way we experience pleasure can be broken down into two categories: hedonia and eudaimonia. Hedonia includes “things that provide enjoyable sensory experiences or emotions”, and eudaimonia refers to “experiences that ‘transcend’ happy feelings and provide people with a sense of purpose, meaning, contribution, and interconnectedness”. She explains that “there’s nothing wrong with empty calories”, referring to simple pleasures that require no effort. “But in growth and health and thriving,” she continues. “The eudaimonic piece is more important.”
23, I learned that incompetence gets rewarded and hard work and dedication got punished.
I worked for a BIG university in NYC in computer support. I kept a job for 5 years that usually had a 6 mo. turnover (no one stayed). Even though the school spoke English it soon became clear that my supervisor wanted only native speakers of Spanish working in the department because it was her native language. I watched her fire every single American -born staff person and hire more of “her people”. The only reason I was spared was because I didn’t quit the high turnover job. I never got a raise or compliments for my entire time there. I quit but before I left I informed the new President of the university everything I knew about all the incompetence and the BS I had witnessed (I named names). I walked away with a severance and went to medical school.
2 weeks into a job at a nursing home. I was put in the unit that required 2 people due to the patients being immobile. I asked for assistance, the two nurses just sat at the desk and wouldn’t help (night shift). I got yelled at for not getting things done on time, went home and had a seizure. Until then, my seizures were controlled for 13 years. I was 21 and the date was 9/11. I returned to the office later that day to talk to the manager and was told I would never amount to anything in my life. I quit.
I was 25. My first couple bosses liked me enough that I did get a very minor promotion after a few years, but once the boss got replaced by someone else who seemed to hate me (I have no clue why), I quickly found myself being the guy who did the jobs nobody wanted. And because I was a casual, when those tasks weren't there I wasn't given shifts.
Never again.
It can be easy to become pessimistic in a world that often values hard work and kindness much less than money and connections, but we must not forget that we can always find our own reasons to continue working hard and being a good person. Maybe you don't want to waste your energy going above and beyond at a job you hate, but you can work hard after hours on your personal passion projects that bring you fulfillment. Enjoy reading the rest of this list of realizations, and remember to upvote your favorite responses. Then let us know if you've had any epiphanies like these in the comments below, we'd love to hear your stories.
20 was when I finally realised being a good boy was getting me nowhere and I've been a selfish a*****e ever since.
About 15
Coincidentally that’s when I entered Highschool
Don’t listen to people older than you kids, it doesn’t get better after middle school
It gets way worse
What's that joke about learning algebra... So glad I learned it now that it's algebra season...
20. When I managed three businesses for 500 dollars a week and worked 7 days a week for three months.
if you are really as good/smart/competent as you say you are, start your own company... that is the best revenge & vindication of all when your new company works well
Note: this post originally had 80 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.
I learned that lesson really well in my mid twenties. Worked hard and got laid off in a really disgusting way (I got injured at work and got laid off the day my physical therapy was over). I've been self employed ever since. Yeah, I could make more money working for a company, but freedom and self respect are worth it.
Hubby: "I didn't get the promotion." Me: "Why the f*ck not?!" hubby: "I don't play golf". Dumbest f*cking reason to not promote someone ever, even if it *wasn't* my honey I'm talking about.
When you find out that the new person whom you're training is getting paid more than you.
It doesn't matter how much money you generate for the company, favorites always get ahead. At least three times I made companies more money than other employees. I was well liked but was forced out of all three jobs. Apparently the drop in profits wasn't important. Some people are more important than others. Working harder doesn't make a difference. Other than commissions based on sales, my base salary was low. Several other jobs rewarded me substantially for going above and beyond. Those jobs exist, keep looking until you find them.
When I went through a restructure and the job I had been doing for a year on a temporary basis was given to a man who hadn't applied for it, had no experience and didn't want the job.
I just never learn - at first I thought it was 'evil corporation' stuff ... so okay, I worked for indie companies... same thing. I now work/worked as a contract worker ... did more than was asked; took on duties that had been dropped by others (like... correcting/doing extra research on incorrect facts that had been reported) - and thought it was safe because it was a company that was out to 'help others and increase knowledge and understanding' - buuuuut... nope. They dropped me in the worst way - the 'lure in and backstab'. They acted concerned, ad offered me an alternate solution, asked me to trust them and give them honest feedback. Silly me... I actually told them (it wasn't even against the company, it was regarding previous mistreatment by ONE specific individual). I even said "I have trust issues, so it's hard for me to tell you what happened" - I was canned in the response.
worked at a local struggling sign shop. helped keep the shop running during the pandemic and after the owner passed away. after getting things back on track, and after getting covid yet still working, my great reward was to be laid off to save money. to heck with 'em
I learned that lesson really well in my mid twenties. Worked hard and got laid off in a really disgusting way (I got injured at work and got laid off the day my physical therapy was over). I've been self employed ever since. Yeah, I could make more money working for a company, but freedom and self respect are worth it.
Hubby: "I didn't get the promotion." Me: "Why the f*ck not?!" hubby: "I don't play golf". Dumbest f*cking reason to not promote someone ever, even if it *wasn't* my honey I'm talking about.
When you find out that the new person whom you're training is getting paid more than you.
It doesn't matter how much money you generate for the company, favorites always get ahead. At least three times I made companies more money than other employees. I was well liked but was forced out of all three jobs. Apparently the drop in profits wasn't important. Some people are more important than others. Working harder doesn't make a difference. Other than commissions based on sales, my base salary was low. Several other jobs rewarded me substantially for going above and beyond. Those jobs exist, keep looking until you find them.
When I went through a restructure and the job I had been doing for a year on a temporary basis was given to a man who hadn't applied for it, had no experience and didn't want the job.
I just never learn - at first I thought it was 'evil corporation' stuff ... so okay, I worked for indie companies... same thing. I now work/worked as a contract worker ... did more than was asked; took on duties that had been dropped by others (like... correcting/doing extra research on incorrect facts that had been reported) - and thought it was safe because it was a company that was out to 'help others and increase knowledge and understanding' - buuuuut... nope. They dropped me in the worst way - the 'lure in and backstab'. They acted concerned, ad offered me an alternate solution, asked me to trust them and give them honest feedback. Silly me... I actually told them (it wasn't even against the company, it was regarding previous mistreatment by ONE specific individual). I even said "I have trust issues, so it's hard for me to tell you what happened" - I was canned in the response.
worked at a local struggling sign shop. helped keep the shop running during the pandemic and after the owner passed away. after getting things back on track, and after getting covid yet still working, my great reward was to be laid off to save money. to heck with 'em
