After Trying To Stop Their Only Daughter From Attending College, Parents Are Met With A Pricey Ultimatum When Asked To Be Forgiven Years Later
Interview
Who hasn’t been jealous of their siblings? All those times they were allowed to go out after 7 p.m. while you’re stuck at home with your mom because you aren’t “old enough” to do anything else. Being constantly annoyed with your brothers and sisters — the competitive nature of it all — is the price you’re forced to pay for having siblings. And while parents are obliged to love all their children unconditionally and equally, the reality can sometimes be different.
As this woman shares in her story, she got the short end of the stick simply because her parents were “religiously and culturally” conservative. Meaning that while all three brothers were encouraged to reach for the stars — go to college, start a 401k career, perhaps, work their way towards Forbes’ “30 under 30” list — the only daughter was supposed to aspire to be the greatest stay-at-home-with-the-kids wife just like her own dear mother.
The author disobeyed her parents’ wishes and proved to them she is no less worthy of greatness than her own brotherly counterparts. The best part: she achieved everything on her own. And when her old folks reached out to her years later to do away with the resentment, the author asked only for one thing — to pay her back all the money she did not receive at the time of college, just like her brothers did.
Seeing how upset her parents were after her ultimatum, the author turned to the ‘Am I The [Jerk]‘ community to find out whether she hasn’t overplayed her own hand.
Sometimes parents’ vision for you and your future is completely different from what you have in mind, so you have to achieve everything with no support
Image credits: Hannah Olinger (not the actual photo)
So when these parents decided to make things up with their only daughter, they were met with an ultimatum they did not see coming
While the world is definitely moving in the right direction — industries (film, video games, tech, engineering) encouraging more and more women to become part of male-dominated enterprises; academic education that used to be a privilege only men were allowed (now, significantly outnumbered by women circa 1970) — recent studies showed that we’re still miles ahead from egalitarian society as brilliance, or in this case “children’s notions of intelligence and ability,” is thus far linked to gender. Unfortunately, it’s not difficult to guess which gender we all might be thinking about.
Wishing to learn more about how traditional gender roles in the family affect both boys and girls alike, Bored Panda reached out to Susan Marie McHale, the director of Social Science Research Institute at Penn State University who has spent decades focusing her research on family gender dynamics.
“In the ’80s when maternal work involvement was changing and there were some important developments happening in the department of gender — it became clear to us that one of the key dimensions of family life was gender roles,” McHale told us, explaining her fascination with family system dynamics. In one of McHale’s more famous papers titled ‘Family Patterns of Gender Role Attitudes,’ she was able to find out that families with parents who stick to traditional gender role attitudes tend to engage in more conflicts.
“It was a time — still is a time — when people were trying to figure out what works. It’s not like we have established models in the traditional family where you do this and I do that and this happens,” she explained. “But when the roles in the family are more well-defined, it’s a lot easier to find reasons for conflict. The families where gender roles were more egalitarian, however, proved to be more positively linked to adjustment.”
To explain this phenomenon further, McHale described an experiment in which boys in the traditional family setting were tasked with more-feminine household chores, like washing dishes or doing laundry. “Moms would ask for their boys to help out but fathers were very traditional. So the boys were caught between these two opposing forces with respect to their gender. And that led to them underperforming (likely) because of their father’s attitudes towards manliness and gender.”
A lot of folks showed support to the author and respected the way she approached giving her parents a clean slate
But some people thought that this apple didn’t fall that far from the tree and her expensive ultimatum shows just that
Although more research ought to be done in this area of study, according to McHale, one thing is clear for sure — siblings are an important factor when analyzing the effects of stereotypical gender roles in the family. “Kids are vigilant in how they monitor their parents’ treatment of them versus their brothers or sisters,” she told.
As you’d have guessed, seeing how differently you are being treated solely because of your gender — all the get-to-stay-later than you and act freely privileges — affects the relationship between siblings and one’s understanding of what’s possible or not. “In families with strict gender role norms, where boys get to do this and girls get to do that, implications for gender socialization and possible sibling conflict are reportedly higher,” McHale pointed out.
One key discovery she made through her research was that fathers who have firstborn daughters tend to have less traditional gender role attitudes. “As you know, girls mature earlier than boys. They have what we call ‘executive functions’ organized: they pay more attention and get things done. While boys, at least typically, are a couple of years behind girls,” McHale explained.
“So, you’ve got this dad who has this belief that girls aren’t as capable as boys, right? And they’re watching their firstborn daughter, who’s just way far ahead of her male counterparts.” The result? McHale says that being a father to a firstborn daughter has a significant (secular) change in their gender attitudes.
I can't believe how many of the negative comments harped on how greedy the OP was. Jeez, people, it was glaringly obvious she knew her parents very well, i.e., no money would be forthcoming. She got her point across that she knew the apologies were insincere and manipulative.
I was unsure if she *actually* wanted the money and would accept it, or whether she was just using it to make her point. If the parents did pay, it would be an awkward relationship forever, and they would still be bigots who only became proud of their daughter because she got married and pregnant. Either way, she probably should have stated her point of view more clearly - they didn't want her to succeed in life, and that is not something that can ever be overlooked.
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Can we stop calling bigots and racists 'old fashioned'. My grandfather is old fashioned when he wears a jacket and tie to leave the house under any circumstances, even if it's to take the car down to the petrol station. He's also a lifelong Labour party member, supporter of progressive policies and plays golf with my gay cousin and his husband because, and I quote, "they're a bloody good laugh". I hate it when "Old fashioned" is used as a euphemism to mask and worse, excuse, evil and bigoted behaviour.
Yes please. Old-fashioned doesn't mean racism, bigotry, extremist religioness or general nutness (is that a word, idk. Lol).
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I'm wondering, if the parents paid her back, would she even want that relationship? I would think no. It seems like the parents are only interested because she's finally achieved woman success in their closed minds with the marriage and child. Also, I think it's incorrect to say "old-fashioned" instead of just calling a spade a spade and saying "intolerant" and I wish more people would realize that. Being old fashioned is one thing but let's stop making excuses for people who are just flat out intolerant.
Betcha the parents are only making up with her, because she's about to give them grandchildren. They don't give a rat's ass about the OP, just grandsons.
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She is right. Her parents just want a relationship with her now because she is expecting a child. And her parents thinks that she will achieve her "womanly duties" in accordance with her parents belief. They just want to be involve with her child's life and will probably just cloud his brain with their nonsense belief.
Op is fully entitled to demand that her parents pay for her education. If they are not willing to do that, it just means that they still don't accept her as equal to her brothers. Her pregnancy doesn't mean she agrees with her parents' old-fashioned views or is willing to accept their sexism. If the parents refuse to give her what they owe, it's her right to deny them to see their grandchild.
"If you educate a woman, you educate a family, if you educate a girl, you educate the future." - Queen Rania of Jordan.15. maj 2014
I once saw where someone (maybe Bill Gates?) who when visiting a country with male centric "Cultural values" commented that they would continue to struggle as they were not permitting 50% of their population to enter the workforce. I am probably mangling the quote but that is the essesnce of what was said.
I work at a university and this is 2022 and female engineering students get shīt on STILL. I know she had a much harder road to haul than her brothers. Good for her. Her parents are creeps and she deserves the money.
It would seem to me that she's asking the parents to pay the amount she spent on tuition not because she wants or expects the money, but to make the point to them that they've treated her much worse than her brothers and can't expect her to just shrug it off. I suspect that if they spent similar amounts on tuition for her brothers, it's well within their means to do the same for her.
To make the "ESH" people happy, how about a compromise. Instead of asking for $100k, ask them to start a college fund for the baby (especially if it's girl, that would help teach them about educating female children)
They haven't changed, so there's no reason to expect something different from them after all this time. OP knows that, and that is what the $100k is about. Because deep down she knows full well that they will never care about her the same way they care about her brothers, so it's an easy way to call their bluff. Ultimately, if they have a relationship with her, they are going to favour her sons over her daughters. She is better off without all of them.
If you ever do allow your parents to be around your child, always supervise them and don’t let them try to brainwash your kid with their misogynistic beliefs. Same with your brothers and their wives if they trend towards your parent’s beliefs.
seems like she didn't want a relationship with them which is why she gave them impossible condition knowing they wouldn't do it cant say i blame her the way her parents were with her and the fact they didn't apologise properly how can someone who doesn't know what their apologising for actually apologise
Toxic people come in all forms. Unfortunately, parents too can be toxic. These people don't change, and you will have a much bettet life cutting them out of it permanently, including enabling brothers.
Wow…I am so lucky to have been raised by a man who was INSISTENT that women have to be educated. It was drilled into me from a young age that “women go to college so they can have careers but if guys choose not to, they can just get jobs. “ (Our family was in a union for a job that didn’t allow women until the early 2000s, so any male could be sure of work). He pushed me harder regarding grades than he did my brothers because of that. We all went to college and he was incredibly proud.
We still live in a world where honor killings are a thing, so this doesn’t surprise me one bit. The parents are simply toxic if they thought that the daughter’s job was to be a housewife. I applaud her for doing what she did. I wish more women would do the same thing. Fortunately, she lived in a place where she could do that. If the parents are ok with not talking to her for years, then good riddance. Don’t come crawling back now that she is married and is expecting.
I'd be curious if OP got the money and they reconnected, would the parents just constantly pressure her to stay at home now that she has a child or if they would still support her working.
OP is NTA, but whether or not she has anything to do with her parents shouldn't be tied to money. They might be horrible people who have plenty of money, or they might be sincere and not have money. I doubt the relationship would ever be a healthy one in any case.
OP should read the book 'Educated'. What she went through isn't unheard of. And she should take some of what the author went through after school to heart too
When I visited a high school friend, I was floored to find out that her very religious parents were saving up a college fund for my friend's 2 year old brother but had nothing saved for her because a woman's role was to take care of the house. There are unfortunately families out there who are like that.
I think she asked for that amount KNOWING they couldn't pay it, so in essence saying there is nothing they can do to get her back and I'm behind her on that.
OPs parents just want a relationship to spread their misogyny and bigotry to the grandkids.
Not an Ahole, but I don't think the money issue is of any benefit. Understandable to lash out at them for this after what had happened in the past and the rubbish apology. But realistically what does that condition achieve? If they did pay the money, they are still the same people with the same beliefs. Either you are at a point in your life where you feel you want a relationship and can move on from the past, or this is still too much of an issue and you don't want them to be part of your life. Either outcome is understandable, but just make it clear either way, the money just muddies the waters.
The apology is really telling. “Sorry you’re upset” is not an apology at all, it’s actually saying that they are sorry that you’re upset, not sorry that they did something to upset you. Which means that if you weren’t showing you were upset they would never have talked about it in the first place.
OP should tell her misogynistic family to go pound sand and stay the fork away from her and her family. Live your best life OP. That will be your revenge.
I don't think she actually wanted the money. If they're rich enough to send three kids to college, they could have afforded to pay for her. But she should cut all ties with her family.
OP, cut your parents and brothers out of your life and don't look back. Congratulations on being successful in spite of your crappy parents.
What about the bros? What did they end up doing? How about they pay back a little of the fortune they rec'vd for tuition or for (I'm sure) the great jobs they have now. They never had to sacrifice a THING and here they are berating their sister? Sounds like she worked hard for a way out. Don't get sucked back in now, regardless of money, because they're wanting to get their hands on their grandchild. Heaven forbid if it's a gir.
My mom handed money left and right to my sister while I was working 2 jobs for nickels when we were both in college. Today I have a great job, a healthy savings account, and a great 401k retirement fund that I've never touched. My sister meanwhile has no savings, no retirement, and lives paycheck to paycheck. My parents made me a more responsible person by NOT giving me money. My sister is the one who lost out on the learning experience and is now paying the price.
Wow! So I have a friend and his father was in a similar situation. All the boys encouraged to go to college/grad school/beyond and the girls not supported for further education. Now these siblings are all grandparents. His father (PHD) and brothers (other various degrees) are successful with kids that followed the same path. The daughters (no education) and their families are literally in a different socio-economic class than the brothers. He said family reunions are a really stark reminder of this - you can literally tell the difference… good for the OP for taking a stand…. Wonder what her brothers think about things if any of them have daughters?
IME, if you can't talk to the parents, you likely should not be talking to your siblings, either.
NTA. You were never, and will never, be an equal child in their eyes to your siblings. You are just a footnote, an addendum, an afterthought. They don't know what to apologize for because they will never see the error in their way, they're just too closed-minded and, sorry to say, but fuc*ing stupid. Your brothers included are misogynistic pricks. You will never get the catharsis you seek. Move on and forget about them, and anyone else who isn't supporting you to be all you can be or all you want to do. Go live your life and be awesome.
As a child of immigrants I could go on and on about maladaptive behaviours inflicted on the next generation. Instead, I'd like to make a suggestion: ask your parents to pay the money into a scholarship fund for those in predicaments similar to yours. That way, your brothers, nieces, nephews... will understand that this isn't about you but about empowerment. Most immigrants never really fit in; their children have a chance, but they usually need to work twice as hard.
It's interesting that her parents only decided they wanted to reconnect when she became "domesticated" and not when she graduated college for example. I don't think she wanted the money, she just wanted to prove a point.
Wow, your parents suck just as bad as mine do. What a horribly emotionally painful roller coaster you've been on. Im glad you pinned them to the rails, they deserve nothing better. I bet the ONLY reason they're making contact is because now that you're married and pregnant you're acceptable to them, except you won't be. They'll be toxic to your child, your well being. people don't change. You made the right move, and you should tell your brothers to not be so dense
She might want to check separately with her mother. Her mother is probably most interested in her role as grandmother, but where was she on the question of providing help for her daughter's education? Some women in that situation fully accept it, others not so much and they want something better for their daughters but powerless to help.
Unfortunately, we cannot pick our family, their beliefs or their culture. What they did to you is unspeakable and unforgivable. To be honest, you need to follow your heart. But for me, I do not believe I could ever have a real relationship with them. I agree with one of the writers when they say, why would you want to raise your child around these narrow minded "bigots." It just makes me sick. You cannot change your family. They will always be like that. The ball is in your court. But the least I would accept is the $$$. The apology will not be sincere if they still have the same beliefs.
She should just slam the door on her parents. They won't change and even if they agreed to pay, it's not worth exposing your child to them OR your brothers. Cut them ALL out of your life. Grandparents, aunts, and uncles have ZERO familiar rights. You owe them NOTHING. People, ALL people, need to learn that family does NOT make you obligated to them in any way. Your life is your own, PERIOD...
I know this story is 2 years old but if her parents are really interested in making amends they would ask if they could at least start a monthly payment plan. Crap. Try. Nope. They just want to get their hands on that grandbaby. Ha ha. Nope.
'Just wanted to throw in that a stay-at-home mom with no degree can be just as much of a success as any engineer, male or female. My niece's mom is such a lady; my niece is being raised by two parents with powerful intellects and the means for one of them to be a full-time parent. None of this contradicts my opinion that OP's parents are well and truly "jerks".
NTA. The ones seeking forgiveness has no say on what the comeuppance may be. You want to right a wrong, you pay your dues, simple as. Age, rank and seniority has nothing to do with it. If anything, I may argue the higher you are on the totem pole, the harsher it should be simply because you should have known better.
This js very typical and happens with all narcissists and their children, particularly daughters. Most of the time they go "I was wrong ok??? I made a mistake no one js perfect!" La la la 30 years is not a mistake it's a lifestyle. Their return always has something in jt for them (they want to meet the grandchildren, they want to see thir kid's financial success) bla bla bla. Older parents can't seem to phathom how indifferent their adult children are to them.
If the parents had paid, I'd always have the nagging suspicion that they did it to save face, not because they thought it was right. She wasn't wrong but I wouldn't have done it the same way.
If you want to steal stories from reddit, at least have the journalistic integrity to reach out to the person and follow up with the story to find out what happened in the end between her and the parents. Damn.
I hope your parents refuse to give you the money, for then you migt feel obliged to forgive them. Are you sure you can do that. I sure cound not. Or my brothers if I had som like that.
If they did pay up, it would suggest they were a, actually apologetic and wanting to make things right, and b, had actually grown as people and decided to stop being discriminatory towards their own child. It's not instant forgiveness, but it's a start.
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Actually, according to the OP later in the thread, they are Americans. Their family is conservative Christian.
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I live in Canada, where the way engineers talk is more context-specific and often informal when speaking with non-engineers. For example, engineers at a company will just say "I'm an engineer" when introducing themselves to other employees. Students at university say the same or "I'm in engineering", without specifying the type. I can imagine that engineers are much more formal where you come from.
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How many years is “few years ago” to you, what degree did you get, and what financial state were you or your parents in when you went? College was out of reach for me at 18, even though I had good grades, I got to go back to school as an adult (freshman) in 2012, and graduated with my Master’s degree in 2019. I did it after years of being passed over for promotions—-for jobs I could’ve done in my sleep, and for which I still had to clean up the mess made by the total f**k-up with a Bachelor’s degree they hired instead of me—-and wanted to be sure I’m seriously in the running for advancement next time. It wasn’t some Ivy League school, either, it was a state university. I have way more than $30000 in financial aid debt, and I had scholarships that essentially paid for my Associate’s degree.
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What a lot of bull grandparents don't automatically get access, just because, and if you think that abusive behaviour does not continue then you're in denial it's just hidden much better
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I can't believe how many of the negative comments harped on how greedy the OP was. Jeez, people, it was glaringly obvious she knew her parents very well, i.e., no money would be forthcoming. She got her point across that she knew the apologies were insincere and manipulative.
I was unsure if she *actually* wanted the money and would accept it, or whether she was just using it to make her point. If the parents did pay, it would be an awkward relationship forever, and they would still be bigots who only became proud of their daughter because she got married and pregnant. Either way, she probably should have stated her point of view more clearly - they didn't want her to succeed in life, and that is not something that can ever be overlooked.
Load More Replies... Can we stop calling bigots and racists 'old fashioned'. My grandfather is old fashioned when he wears a jacket and tie to leave the house under any circumstances, even if it's to take the car down to the petrol station. He's also a lifelong Labour party member, supporter of progressive policies and plays golf with my gay cousin and his husband because, and I quote, "they're a bloody good laugh". I hate it when "Old fashioned" is used as a euphemism to mask and worse, excuse, evil and bigoted behaviour.
Yes please. Old-fashioned doesn't mean racism, bigotry, extremist religioness or general nutness (is that a word, idk. Lol).
Load More Replies... I'm wondering, if the parents paid her back, would she even want that relationship? I would think no. It seems like the parents are only interested because she's finally achieved woman success in their closed minds with the marriage and child. Also, I think it's incorrect to say "old-fashioned" instead of just calling a spade a spade and saying "intolerant" and I wish more people would realize that. Being old fashioned is one thing but let's stop making excuses for people who are just flat out intolerant.
Betcha the parents are only making up with her, because she's about to give them grandchildren. They don't give a rat's ass about the OP, just grandsons.
Load More Replies... She is right. Her parents just want a relationship with her now because she is expecting a child. And her parents thinks that she will achieve her "womanly duties" in accordance with her parents belief. They just want to be involve with her child's life and will probably just cloud his brain with their nonsense belief.
Op is fully entitled to demand that her parents pay for her education. If they are not willing to do that, it just means that they still don't accept her as equal to her brothers. Her pregnancy doesn't mean she agrees with her parents' old-fashioned views or is willing to accept their sexism. If the parents refuse to give her what they owe, it's her right to deny them to see their grandchild.
"If you educate a woman, you educate a family, if you educate a girl, you educate the future." - Queen Rania of Jordan.15. maj 2014
I once saw where someone (maybe Bill Gates?) who when visiting a country with male centric "Cultural values" commented that they would continue to struggle as they were not permitting 50% of their population to enter the workforce. I am probably mangling the quote but that is the essesnce of what was said.
I work at a university and this is 2022 and female engineering students get shīt on STILL. I know she had a much harder road to haul than her brothers. Good for her. Her parents are creeps and she deserves the money.
It would seem to me that she's asking the parents to pay the amount she spent on tuition not because she wants or expects the money, but to make the point to them that they've treated her much worse than her brothers and can't expect her to just shrug it off. I suspect that if they spent similar amounts on tuition for her brothers, it's well within their means to do the same for her.
To make the "ESH" people happy, how about a compromise. Instead of asking for $100k, ask them to start a college fund for the baby (especially if it's girl, that would help teach them about educating female children)
They haven't changed, so there's no reason to expect something different from them after all this time. OP knows that, and that is what the $100k is about. Because deep down she knows full well that they will never care about her the same way they care about her brothers, so it's an easy way to call their bluff. Ultimately, if they have a relationship with her, they are going to favour her sons over her daughters. She is better off without all of them.
If you ever do allow your parents to be around your child, always supervise them and don’t let them try to brainwash your kid with their misogynistic beliefs. Same with your brothers and their wives if they trend towards your parent’s beliefs.
seems like she didn't want a relationship with them which is why she gave them impossible condition knowing they wouldn't do it cant say i blame her the way her parents were with her and the fact they didn't apologise properly how can someone who doesn't know what their apologising for actually apologise
Toxic people come in all forms. Unfortunately, parents too can be toxic. These people don't change, and you will have a much bettet life cutting them out of it permanently, including enabling brothers.
Wow…I am so lucky to have been raised by a man who was INSISTENT that women have to be educated. It was drilled into me from a young age that “women go to college so they can have careers but if guys choose not to, they can just get jobs. “ (Our family was in a union for a job that didn’t allow women until the early 2000s, so any male could be sure of work). He pushed me harder regarding grades than he did my brothers because of that. We all went to college and he was incredibly proud.
We still live in a world where honor killings are a thing, so this doesn’t surprise me one bit. The parents are simply toxic if they thought that the daughter’s job was to be a housewife. I applaud her for doing what she did. I wish more women would do the same thing. Fortunately, she lived in a place where she could do that. If the parents are ok with not talking to her for years, then good riddance. Don’t come crawling back now that she is married and is expecting.
I'd be curious if OP got the money and they reconnected, would the parents just constantly pressure her to stay at home now that she has a child or if they would still support her working.
OP is NTA, but whether or not she has anything to do with her parents shouldn't be tied to money. They might be horrible people who have plenty of money, or they might be sincere and not have money. I doubt the relationship would ever be a healthy one in any case.
OP should read the book 'Educated'. What she went through isn't unheard of. And she should take some of what the author went through after school to heart too
When I visited a high school friend, I was floored to find out that her very religious parents were saving up a college fund for my friend's 2 year old brother but had nothing saved for her because a woman's role was to take care of the house. There are unfortunately families out there who are like that.
I think she asked for that amount KNOWING they couldn't pay it, so in essence saying there is nothing they can do to get her back and I'm behind her on that.
OPs parents just want a relationship to spread their misogyny and bigotry to the grandkids.
Not an Ahole, but I don't think the money issue is of any benefit. Understandable to lash out at them for this after what had happened in the past and the rubbish apology. But realistically what does that condition achieve? If they did pay the money, they are still the same people with the same beliefs. Either you are at a point in your life where you feel you want a relationship and can move on from the past, or this is still too much of an issue and you don't want them to be part of your life. Either outcome is understandable, but just make it clear either way, the money just muddies the waters.
The apology is really telling. “Sorry you’re upset” is not an apology at all, it’s actually saying that they are sorry that you’re upset, not sorry that they did something to upset you. Which means that if you weren’t showing you were upset they would never have talked about it in the first place.
OP should tell her misogynistic family to go pound sand and stay the fork away from her and her family. Live your best life OP. That will be your revenge.
I don't think she actually wanted the money. If they're rich enough to send three kids to college, they could have afforded to pay for her. But she should cut all ties with her family.
OP, cut your parents and brothers out of your life and don't look back. Congratulations on being successful in spite of your crappy parents.
What about the bros? What did they end up doing? How about they pay back a little of the fortune they rec'vd for tuition or for (I'm sure) the great jobs they have now. They never had to sacrifice a THING and here they are berating their sister? Sounds like she worked hard for a way out. Don't get sucked back in now, regardless of money, because they're wanting to get their hands on their grandchild. Heaven forbid if it's a gir.
My mom handed money left and right to my sister while I was working 2 jobs for nickels when we were both in college. Today I have a great job, a healthy savings account, and a great 401k retirement fund that I've never touched. My sister meanwhile has no savings, no retirement, and lives paycheck to paycheck. My parents made me a more responsible person by NOT giving me money. My sister is the one who lost out on the learning experience and is now paying the price.
Wow! So I have a friend and his father was in a similar situation. All the boys encouraged to go to college/grad school/beyond and the girls not supported for further education. Now these siblings are all grandparents. His father (PHD) and brothers (other various degrees) are successful with kids that followed the same path. The daughters (no education) and their families are literally in a different socio-economic class than the brothers. He said family reunions are a really stark reminder of this - you can literally tell the difference… good for the OP for taking a stand…. Wonder what her brothers think about things if any of them have daughters?
IME, if you can't talk to the parents, you likely should not be talking to your siblings, either.
NTA. You were never, and will never, be an equal child in their eyes to your siblings. You are just a footnote, an addendum, an afterthought. They don't know what to apologize for because they will never see the error in their way, they're just too closed-minded and, sorry to say, but fuc*ing stupid. Your brothers included are misogynistic pricks. You will never get the catharsis you seek. Move on and forget about them, and anyone else who isn't supporting you to be all you can be or all you want to do. Go live your life and be awesome.
As a child of immigrants I could go on and on about maladaptive behaviours inflicted on the next generation. Instead, I'd like to make a suggestion: ask your parents to pay the money into a scholarship fund for those in predicaments similar to yours. That way, your brothers, nieces, nephews... will understand that this isn't about you but about empowerment. Most immigrants never really fit in; their children have a chance, but they usually need to work twice as hard.
It's interesting that her parents only decided they wanted to reconnect when she became "domesticated" and not when she graduated college for example. I don't think she wanted the money, she just wanted to prove a point.
Wow, your parents suck just as bad as mine do. What a horribly emotionally painful roller coaster you've been on. Im glad you pinned them to the rails, they deserve nothing better. I bet the ONLY reason they're making contact is because now that you're married and pregnant you're acceptable to them, except you won't be. They'll be toxic to your child, your well being. people don't change. You made the right move, and you should tell your brothers to not be so dense
She might want to check separately with her mother. Her mother is probably most interested in her role as grandmother, but where was she on the question of providing help for her daughter's education? Some women in that situation fully accept it, others not so much and they want something better for their daughters but powerless to help.
Unfortunately, we cannot pick our family, their beliefs or their culture. What they did to you is unspeakable and unforgivable. To be honest, you need to follow your heart. But for me, I do not believe I could ever have a real relationship with them. I agree with one of the writers when they say, why would you want to raise your child around these narrow minded "bigots." It just makes me sick. You cannot change your family. They will always be like that. The ball is in your court. But the least I would accept is the $$$. The apology will not be sincere if they still have the same beliefs.
She should just slam the door on her parents. They won't change and even if they agreed to pay, it's not worth exposing your child to them OR your brothers. Cut them ALL out of your life. Grandparents, aunts, and uncles have ZERO familiar rights. You owe them NOTHING. People, ALL people, need to learn that family does NOT make you obligated to them in any way. Your life is your own, PERIOD...
I know this story is 2 years old but if her parents are really interested in making amends they would ask if they could at least start a monthly payment plan. Crap. Try. Nope. They just want to get their hands on that grandbaby. Ha ha. Nope.
'Just wanted to throw in that a stay-at-home mom with no degree can be just as much of a success as any engineer, male or female. My niece's mom is such a lady; my niece is being raised by two parents with powerful intellects and the means for one of them to be a full-time parent. None of this contradicts my opinion that OP's parents are well and truly "jerks".
NTA. The ones seeking forgiveness has no say on what the comeuppance may be. You want to right a wrong, you pay your dues, simple as. Age, rank and seniority has nothing to do with it. If anything, I may argue the higher you are on the totem pole, the harsher it should be simply because you should have known better.
This js very typical and happens with all narcissists and their children, particularly daughters. Most of the time they go "I was wrong ok??? I made a mistake no one js perfect!" La la la 30 years is not a mistake it's a lifestyle. Their return always has something in jt for them (they want to meet the grandchildren, they want to see thir kid's financial success) bla bla bla. Older parents can't seem to phathom how indifferent their adult children are to them.
If the parents had paid, I'd always have the nagging suspicion that they did it to save face, not because they thought it was right. She wasn't wrong but I wouldn't have done it the same way.
If you want to steal stories from reddit, at least have the journalistic integrity to reach out to the person and follow up with the story to find out what happened in the end between her and the parents. Damn.
I hope your parents refuse to give you the money, for then you migt feel obliged to forgive them. Are you sure you can do that. I sure cound not. Or my brothers if I had som like that.
If they did pay up, it would suggest they were a, actually apologetic and wanting to make things right, and b, had actually grown as people and decided to stop being discriminatory towards their own child. It's not instant forgiveness, but it's a start.
Load More Replies... Actually, according to the OP later in the thread, they are Americans. Their family is conservative Christian.
Load More Replies... I live in Canada, where the way engineers talk is more context-specific and often informal when speaking with non-engineers. For example, engineers at a company will just say "I'm an engineer" when introducing themselves to other employees. Students at university say the same or "I'm in engineering", without specifying the type. I can imagine that engineers are much more formal where you come from.
Load More Replies... How many years is “few years ago” to you, what degree did you get, and what financial state were you or your parents in when you went? College was out of reach for me at 18, even though I had good grades, I got to go back to school as an adult (freshman) in 2012, and graduated with my Master’s degree in 2019. I did it after years of being passed over for promotions—-for jobs I could’ve done in my sleep, and for which I still had to clean up the mess made by the total f**k-up with a Bachelor’s degree they hired instead of me—-and wanted to be sure I’m seriously in the running for advancement next time. It wasn’t some Ivy League school, either, it was a state university. I have way more than $30000 in financial aid debt, and I had scholarships that essentially paid for my Associate’s degree.
Load More Replies... What a lot of bull grandparents don't automatically get access, just because, and if you think that abusive behaviour does not continue then you're in denial it's just hidden much better
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