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People Are Sharing 30 Stories About The Mistakes Their Parents Made That Ended Up Affecting Them Long-Term
Having a healthy and emotionally stable environment is crucial for a child's well-being, but, like pretty much everything else in our world – parents are not perfect.
There's no one right way to become this flawless individual that'll spare their offspring of all the distress. Ideally, a parent will be there to support, encourage and guide their kid throughout the not-so-great periods of life while also allowing them to be independent. Yet, not every person is aware that the things they assume they do "out of love" are not loving at all.
"What was your parents' biggest mistake in raising you?" – an online user took it to one of Reddit's most informative communities to find out about people's parents and things they've done wrong in terms of their upbringing. The question has managed to receive over 4.3K upvotes alongside 2.9K worth of comments discussing some Redditors' troubled childhood.
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I was one of those gifted kids that do very well in school without much effort. My parents were used to it so they never praised me for my results and expected me to always do good by default. This resulted in me thinking that very good was just average, and constantly striving for perfection in any aspect of my life. This led to countless problems that I needed therapy to solve.
I had a similar experience. My mother never went to see my teachers with the reasoning there was no need as I did not struggle like my sister (my mother always went to my sister’s parent teacher nights). Other than that there was no acknowledgement for my abilities which made me think they were not important and didn’t matter and it left me desperate for recognition of any kind. And yes this was dealt with in therapy.
Similar here. I'm a twin, and I was the "smart one", so I was expected to just be great with everything and help my sister with homework, etc. When she did well, it was celebrated with some money, and I always did well. Made it very hard for me to ask for help, but also made me very independent from an early age, thinking I have to look out for myself. And maybe it was to protect my sister from not feeling smart or good enough because of me. Oh well! :)
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I believe whether you are gifted, bad or untalented or great at something, you ALWAYS deserve praise and encouragement.
I remember when I got really good grades. But my math was lower. All my mother saw was that my math wasn’t optimal. So I worked on my math, and got 98 questions on a test right. Her response, “why didn’t you get the other two?” When I handed in my report card, math was my top grade! She said “It seems the other grades slipped a little.” My grades utterly tanked after that, and I couldn’t get out of that pit of self hatred for a long time. It didn’t help that instead of supporting me, my dad berated me every day after for lacking the motivation to please him. He said I was at fault for all the family’s problems. At least I was strong enough, and had enough of God’s Grace, to eventually love myself without them.
This was me too. Though I went kind of backwards. Instead of becoming a perfectionist I hit a point I realized I could make some architectural marvel of the world and my parents wouldn't care, not unless it made them famous. So I just stopped trying hard at things they'd be able to brag about. I never shared any long term goals because they'd always try to steer me in a direction where they'd be able to brag about it like they did it themselves. It wasn't that wholesome "Look what our child did." Sort of thing. It was that "He was able to do that because of us and only because of us." Sort of deal to them.
Honey, go create an architectural marvel in your town behind their backs, donate half the profit to a charity that stops child abuse, and go host an opening event for a child abuse charity. When they try to clamber on the stage, make it apparent that you dread their presence, and tell the audience that you did it DESPITE them. Though they will try their hardest to mitigate the situation by slandering you, don’t get defensive. Their words will be less effective against someone whose ACTIONS imply you’re a good person. In fact, them being accused (rightfully) of slander will lead to worse accusations. The worse things they say about you (and the kinder your public actions), the better it backfires. Keep being ridiculously kind, and people will find your parents hard to believe.
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Studies are indicating that praising RESULTS is bad and causes other problems. Praising EFFORT regardless of results is incredibly important.
Ah yes, the "every child gets a trophy" philosophy. How's that working out for ya?!
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My dad. I could do 150% and he'd be like, "Pfft, whatever, fuc* you, loser" in essence. Issues? No. I have *volumes*. (Nerd joke, sorry.)
Yep, same with me. I loved art, and whenever I would proudly show my parents my completed artwork, they would only give constructive criticism. Never praise. I know they were trying to help, but just a "good work" or "well done" would have meant the world to me.
This is interesting because what I’ve learned is to praise effort, rather than result, or the child will coast and stop putting in effort.
Similar experience. As an only child, I thought it was completely normal to pretty much be ignored but expected to perform. Led to me being a people pleaser and and a horrible case of impostor syndrome.
Praising results would lead similarly to a need for perfection, which at some point will lead to shying away from challenges for fear of failure. You want to praise effort, while at the same time acknowledging mistakes (and learning from them) is a huge part of growth.
Boy does this ring true! American culture embraces criticism but not praise and positive feedback. All you have to do is train a dog with positive feedback to see how powerful it is. Our workplaces are almost entirely built on fault finding rather than lifting people up.
When I went from a snobby private school to a state-funded public school, my parents expected that I'd be better than everyone else. When I only got an 85% in my weakest subject (but still a year ahead of most kids in my grade level), they were upset even though I was making outstanding progress in other areas. That's when I learned that I'd never be good enough and that I might as well stop trying
But did you solve the problems in therapy faster than your therapist's other patients?
I received extreme criticism for unsatisfactory grades ..... for subjects of no interest. But no recognition for subjects with good grades. There was a great emphasis on intelligence within our family ...... maternal gparents included. A kind of respect was earnt if proved to be of above average intelligence. My father was a perfectionist. His attention to detail was amazing. So, it made him a critic. If he was pleased with your result, you knew you'd achieved above average. I, myself, am a perfectionist which places much pressure on myself and for what I expect from others. I have learnt not to express displeasure ..... not wanting to upset anyone, so don't often speak my mind.
This is so relatable to me. As a stereotypical "gifted kid" they don't care about my accomplishments yet when I do a little thing wrong like speak in a "bad tone" they get very mad. I cry about it and put so much pressure on myself because I don't want my family to fall apart and I know it will if I let it out because they will yell at me for it. It makes sense: I am the oldest after all, but it does hurt sometimes :(
Same, same! The life long feeling of not being good enough, because the best grade meant it was just easy, slightly worse meant I was lazy and disgusting... Studies, 3+ languages, good skills and I have a shitty job, because I don't think I can ever deserve anything better! Always praise the efforts. Always.
Pretty much every one of these obvious examples are also damaging when practiced the exact opposite way. Why is common sense and logical parenting so difficult to grasp?
My parents went one step further and told me that my accomplishments didn't matter because I didn't struggle then proceeded to list my defects so that I wouldn't get a big head. Yet, when the local college invited me to take classes in the 6th grade (where I might have a chance to have the all important struggle), my parents wouldn't let me go.
Giving me no privacy. My parents snooped way too much. Searching my clothes draws for hidden things, checking my phone, eavesdropping on my conversations, talking about my private life to their friends as if it was hot gossip, spying me when i was out, asking their friends to report in if they ever saw me out and around, checking my mail, checking the computer history every time i used it, listening to my CD’s to check they were appropriate, arranging additional meetings with my teachers to ask about me, asking me personal questions all the time. Basically not giving me any space to just be me.
They also made a lot of jokes about me to other people, right in front of my face. I often felt like i was their pet more than an actual human.
I’m now deeply self-conscious and suspicious as a result. I always have this feeling that people are watching and judging me.
Edit: reading it back, that all sounds minor. But believe me when i say i didn’t have even once second of privacy and they went to extreme lengths to find out every single thing i was doing at all times even when i was out of the house. They would then share that information about me with their friends and colleagues, like i was just a piece of gossip or a tv storyline.
Wayyyyy too sheltered. I will definitely shelter my kids to an extent and raise them right but my parents took it to the extreme. I was only allowed to play with religious children and wasn't allowed to watch movies besides basically Disney movies until I was in High School. This led to a pretty rebellious phase when I was around 15 that I think could have been avoided if my parents weren't so strict.
Kids need boundaries of course, but as they get older you need to start widening them. Give them space to grow and mature and learn for themselves. My Nan used to say children are like springs, if you try and hold it too tightly, eventually it will let loose and go wild. If they can’t make any decisions for themselves it can be overwhelming when they have complete freedom.
the way they used to communicate through me because they wouldn't speak to each other after they seperated. when I had to deliver a message from one parent that the other one didn't like, I was the one who was yelled at, and both of them asked me to side with them instead of the other. there was no way to win, because I always either made mummy sad or daddy sad. good times.
Oh, lord was this my childhood. I also couldn't bring up their names around each other, had to lie about seeing my dad to my mom, it was so toxic and sad. It took my mother getting a terminal illness for them to bury the hatchet, and when my mom died, my dad regretted all of that time wasted hating each other :(
Leaving me to my own devices so long as my grades were good. Not teaching me much of anything outside of knowing right from wrong. Outside of being kept alive I pretty much raised myself.
This is quite sad. My parents are the complete opposite, teaching me a 3 hour long life lesson when ever I breathe. I don’t think I like it either way tbh
1. Teaching it’s never OK to lie is an awful life lesson for keeping yourself out of trouble.
2. Being a “member of the clean plate club” teaches kids to keep eating when they’re full.
3. teaching that the man is head of household, when that doesn’t work in a lot of relationships.
My mom always meant well but I have body dysmorphia for life. I’m sharing because if any parents are reading this you should be diligent about how you talk about your body in front of your kids. Don’t talk about needing to lose or gain weight unless it’s for health reasons. Don’t put yourself down about how you look in front of your kids. This creates doubt and body image issues from the jump and that sticks with you forever.
It’s sad because a lot of the time it’s not on purpose. My besties mum was very insecure because of her mother growing up, and she genuinely tried not to let it affect her daughter. But her behaviour was always very…..on display. Like she was always very clearly unhappy and didn’t eat much, as a result my bestie now has body dysmorphia
Never admitting that they did something wrong. An example is that when I was in second grade my mom would literally yell and scold me because she thought that HAVE was spelled HAV, and that also confused me with the word HAD. Even though at school the teachers and everyone else spelled HAVE, when I got home she would scold me for spelling it correctly until I told her that that's how everyone else spelled it. She just looked at the paper and never said a word about it again.
So now I always think that whatever I'm doing is wrong or if something did go wrong and was clearly out of my control I still get nervous.
I was raised like this. When I had my son I was determined to not be that parent. I told him, as long as he was respectful, he could tell me if I made him angry and why and he could tell me if he thought I was wrong or made a mistake about something. We had, and still do, an amazing open relationship where he always felt he could talk to me about anything.
Taking away sports every time I got a C in school. I will NEVER take away my future kids passions. Does not matter if it is sports, art, music, or anything else. Don't know if the frustration of that will ever dissipate for me. That was my outlet that was severely needed.
I don't understand punishing kids over grades. It just pushes kids to cheat and pay more attention to the grades and not the material they're learning. If kids are struggling then there's likely other causes and not their other activities.
Keeping me /s
Honestly, it would have been nice to hear they were proud of me - just once, don’t want to overdo it.
Or glossing over anything good and focusing in and hammering away on anything not good." You got an A in biology, we'll whoopty freaking do...but you got a D in math and you have to do better and blah blah blah go get the belt..."
Violently screaming at me for bad grades or poor performance in sports.
I think it had the opposite effect where I became afraid of making any mistakes, which would lead to more mistakes. Feel like if your kid is underperforming in any way, there’s a way to talk to them without making them feel stupid for f*****g up. There are better ways to motivate them.
I feel this one. My folks tried all manner of punishments to make me get better grades. Found out in my late 20s I have ADHD, along with some related issues. No amount of punishment was going to help. Not a fun time to go througj.
Never apologizing for anything and then taking it a level up by denying certain things were even f**k ups.
Denying is the worst imo because is just makes the accusers out as liars when all we wanted was an apology :(
They didn’t take any interest in my interests. So now I’m 30 with parents I have virtually nothing in common with. It makes dinner chitchat very depressing for me.
Not teaching me anything about financial responsibility.
One trillion percent this. About 5 years ago my parents sold some property & my dad asked us to send him a break down of all our debt. When I was going over it with him he was like "how did you get so far in debt?" Like. Very disappointed voice. "You never talked to us about money. You never talked to us about saving. You never talked to us about investing. Not once. Money was never brought up." He didn't even have to think about. He said "you're right." That alone blew me away. In wasn't an unmanageable amount but my parents were the type they paid credit cards in full every month. Also, In my family it's "ours" not "theirs & mine." I think that's really messed my brother & I up, if I'm being honest. We didn't have to take responsibility. We also didn't know my dad was going to run off with a mistress & screw us either. It kills me watching my mom having to pinch pennies. I give her gifts all the time. I bought her a new car & that felt amazing.
Never teaching me to be independent. My guardian was obsessed with keeping me way too close and I was always sheltered and now I'm alone and don't know how to function
I’m worried my sister is doing this one, the twins are nearly 11 and can’t use a microwave or anything. Its a massive contrast to me and her at 5&9 making pancakes unsupervised and alone at home. She says the upbring we had made her paranoid etc, but we never burnt the house down or f****d up, we learned so many life skills ahead of people our age out of necessity. Maybe she wants them sheltered for that reason though. They are at the point now where they wanna walk to school alone but can’t, I’ve tried to convince her. They need some freedom or they won’t survive out here in this shithole of a world
Well my dad's f*****g great but my mother, constant screaming for everything, depriving me of any and all food a lot of the time, punishment for things someone else did, invasion of privacy, not giving a f**k about my mental health, not giving up custody to my dad, constantly degrading me
I’m so sorry. I hope your doing on now and away from your abusive mother
Expecting me to have the same grades, activities, and social lives as my older siblings.
I can relate. My mother started asking me why I couldn't be more like my sister from the time I can remember. I was born on her 4th birthday, but we are polar opposites. She never went outside, never got dirty, was never noisy, in other words, perfect. I was very independent, a daddy's girl, but not in the traditional sense. I was a tomboy who wanted to do everything with him, and my mother hated it. Until the day she died, she hated it.
If I had a problem, first thing they said to me "its your fault".
No baby it’s not your fault. Don’t ever believe that . It’s the insecurity and the immaturity of the parent saying this to you .
Taught me nothing about nutrition, let me eat junk, and made excuses for my obesity. Took me 10 years as an adult to finally take responsibility for myself and shed the weight.
My parents let me eat how much I wanted all the time, which was always too much. The most they did was show me a diet I should do at the age of like, 9 but never truly helped me stick with it. Now that I'm older, I hate myself and how unhealthy I am, but due to some issues, I've never been able to get on a diet. Please help your kids stay healthy so that they don't end up like me...
Due to them giving me insane social anxiety, I now have the social skills of the new kid in elementary school. I can't hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes without making people uncomfortable. I have proceeded to lose all of my friends due to this and am now sad and lonely.
Damn now I wish I had a Reddit account so I can be this persons friend.
Mom's personality is very complicated and toxic, but what I really hated as a kid was that she didn't want me to grow up. She didn't teach me how to do laundry, pack my clothes, how to swim, anything. She was also overly protective and I still cope with bunch of irrational fears as an adult.
When I was 11 I was really ashamed that kids my age are much more self-sufficient. She was sabotaging me anytime I tried to do some 'adult' stuff like cooking, taking care of myself, nothing illegal - I was well behaved kid. At this time she started ruining our relationship with her behavior, I feel like she hates me for growing up and not being baby anymore
My parents haven't taught me to do anything but instead of it being because they didn't want me to grow up they just... didn't teach me anything. Then i annoyed my parents foe being useless
They let their fear of dealing with their own trauma turn into causing and ignoring mine.
Ladling out too much guilt and shame. They are not motivational forces for me to be “better”, in fact quite the opposite was true
Also telling me that I wasn’t good at math. Sure, it wasn’t my strongest subject. But don’t tell a kid that they will never ever succeed at a subject due to some inherent shortcomings
Playing favourites. My brother was allowed to grow marijuana as an “experiment “ by my very straight laced and anti drug parents. In fact they were enthusiastically supportive. Not so much for me. That’s just one example. Basically he could have pissed in my face and our folks would have blamed me. They always made me feel like I was inadequate because I wasn’t like him. My brother is a classic grandiose narcissist.
I feel your pain. I haven't seen my abusive sibling since 1993. I was forced to talk to him in 1999 when my father died, and the police had to get involved. This was over the phone. Jerry Springer meets Cops.
Complete apathy.
My parents basically never got involved in me or my siblings' lives. Never attended things like school plays or parents evenings, never cared about how things were going or what was going on. So long as we didn't get into trouble and didn't cause them problems they didn't care and took no interest. "Anything for peace and quiet" as my mother frequently said.
As such, because they never tried to be a part of my life, they effectively aren't a part of my life anymore. We only speak out of obligation, and not very often at that.
I was wondering when I'd see my one. My brother and I were fed and clothed and sheltered and educated and got gifts at birthday and Christmas. Never abused. But our parents never knew us. Because they didn't bother to. It felt like they had 2 kids because that's what people do. We were raised kinda Victorian. Children should be seen and not heard. We were smart, sensitive kids, and always felt unwanted. My brother and I are in our 40s, and it still deeply affects our sense of self-worth. Edit: I know my own kid really well, love to know her interests, talk openly with her, and tell her I love her multiple times every day. No way in hell will I let my precious girl think she doesn't matter to me.
Forcing me to be a member of their cult under the threat of homelessness.
A CULT, WHAT THE F**K!!! What was this cult about? Not trying to be nosy or anything just curious.
Not being supportive, not dealing with the abuse I suffered from family and school. Pretty much anything that involves my mental health was neglected. Being taught that women were pure and men were c**p, which lead to abuse from women in my adult life cause it had to have been some wrong I've done. Being told is was ugly and I would be inadequate for a woman. I could really keep going for ages on this.
Can you imagine telling a child that you carried on your stomach for 9 months and birthed them out of you, that their ugly? It just breaks my heart
Spoiling us and always doing the chores. We ended up being lazy mfers. I'm currently procrastinating writing this.
Ok OK I'll write it for you this time but no more Mister. Now go play your video games while I clean out the cat box.
The total lack of boundaries based on the believe that they had raised us to be responsible and smart, even though clear evidence were present that we were not.
Not enough discipline
A lot of what is wrong with America today. Go ahead and crucify me in comments but you damn well know I’m right.
Note: this post originally had 41 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.
Denying the kid's reality. Saying, "That never happened.". Or denigrating their feelings. "You don't even have anything to feel sad (angry, scared, etc.) about!"
My mum is also a massive gaslighter, blaming me for things I watched her do.
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The one thing this article shouts out loud is that too many people are not capable of being decent parents. Parenting should be a privilege, not a right. And it should not be a career choice.
One I'd like to add... Saying that you need to listen to any adult and do what they say, just because they are an adult. It could've been a complete stranger, but since they are an adult you should listen. I've been r-ped, i still seek external validation for everything, javascript:void(0);and even though it always hurts me in the end, I am still over trusting.
I hope things get better better you..absolutely don't listen to just anyone..adults are wrong too..and plenty monsters out there.
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Not giving their kids body independence. Don’t make your kids kiss, hug, or embrace someone they don’t want to. It teaches kids that their body is community property and they can’t say no.
The majority of these are my entire family. The worst of it was, I was adopted. They constantly reminded me of that, that I was thrown away by my real family and they got stuck with me. I was never wanted, never belonged, still don't. My mother's still doing it to me, and I can't get out. She treats my son good, though.
1. Telling me that I can't know that I'm gay because I've never had sex with a woman and then being surprised as I proceeded to have sex with all the boys. 2. Acting as if they never made mistakes. I didn't talk to them about things because I figured they couldn't possibly understand what it felt like to mess up.
I wish that they’d explained to me that there are times when it’s *okay* to hit people. I could’ve saved myself a couple of years of on and off harassment from various assholes at school and at the park. If someone’s hitting you, you’re allowed to hit back.
1 of 2: The one I was looking for was "parentification". One definition is "Using your children as unpaid help is an example of parentification. A form of emotional abuse or neglect where a child becomes the caregiver to their parent or sibling. A child is used by the parent to fulfil their own needs — leading to the child's becoming secondary." My parents did this to me. When I was 7, they moved us to a farm, three weeks before my school let out for the summer. They packed up the house, took my 3 younger siblings with them, & left me with a neighbor for 3 straight weeks. They picked me up after school was done & I became a 7 year old farmhand, helping take care of 60 laying hens - mom sold eggs for money because siblings were too young for school. When the youngest finally started school, mom went back to work as a nurse full-time, and I was expected to babysit the "kids", make sure they did homework, make sure I did my homework, feed the cattle, and do prep for dinner.
2 of 2: Add on to all that - if my siblings didn't do their homework or chores, guess who got yelled at. Yep, ME. It was always my fault they didn't do their chores, and if I tried to make them, then they "tattled" that I was "mean" to them & I got punished double. I left home when I was 19, and never really went back. The only time I did was right after leaving an abusive ex, and when my house burned down, and those were both only for about 6 weeks. And my siblings are puzzled that I don't "worship" my parents, especially my father, smh. They have very different memories.
Load More Replies... A lot of triggers in these for me :( I guess the best I can do is to do better by my daughters and break the cycle of dysfunction in my family.
Please talk to someone about what you've been through. It's hard work, but so very worth it.
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Adding one of my own: not allowing me an education. Highly religious parents, so I wasn't allowed to go to public school out of fear of "corruption". Because of that I was homeschooled, but my mom was an entirely unfit teacher so even the work that i managed to get done on my own she never made any transcripts for. This also came with major isolation where I only got to see people at church on Sunday (if they decided to even go, they didn't like to leave the house) But I hope to one day help any teens in similar situations, even if just giving them some hope as an example. I got my GED this year on my first attempt. I'm moving in a couple weeks from my tiny town they stuck me in to a big city for school and an opportunity to meet people. Looking back, I never imagined myself being where I am now. It seemed so hopeless being locked away but I'm striving to accept that I'm strong and intelligent, even though my mom spent my entire life telling me the complete opposite.
Alya, I think you're very brave. It's definitely not to late to build the life you want and deserve. I wish you all the very best!
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Forcing your religious beliefs on your children. That was the only thing my parents were guilty of. If I tried to refuse I was grounded. I made it very clear at a young age I didn't believe what I was told by the Catholic Church and I was forced to go until after made my confirmation in the eighth grade. After my confirmation I never went to church again with the exception of my grandparents funerals.
Raised in a lower middle class suburban Catholic household in an upper middle class WASP town. One of like 3 Caths in my whole grade and the other ones didn’t even go to our church, they went to an “Italian church” (we’re Irish so we drove two towns over lol, that’s sooo New Jersey *facepalm* ) Anyway got revenge on my wicked grandma after confirmation and never went back to her church, even for her funeral. I went goth, so my CCD classes were put to good use! Also I married a non-white person. In a Protestant church ;D He’s a good man. We aren’t having kids. Oh, family!
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I'm so happy things like this are getting more well known. I have 2 young kids and I'd like to mess them up as little as possible.
Still, we grow up, unless we are badly mistreated, we're adults, we can change. I was told clean your plate , I had cult religion parents, no outside activities or friends, and all that, I moved on. My eating changed even the food, more home grown veg and such, not religious.
This makes it sound like it's okay to accuse kids, because they can change. That's pretty gross.
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My father is messing me up by showing too much love. He buys the most expensive stuff for me even though I don’t want them. I feel really guilty because of it. He he also forces me to hug him even though I make it clear that I don’t enjoy them at all.
Gifts make me uncomfortable, too. I don't think he's showing too much love. Love would mean respecting your boundaries.
Load More Replies... Reading all of this was really difficult because I related to so much of it, but I wanted to read everything, because people need to have their stories heard, their pain witnessed. I also wanted to say one more thing. It is possible to take the pain and abuse of childhood and transform it into something that makes you stronger, kinder, and braver. For me, it meant therapy and medication at times. But it can be done. None of us are "broken", we've just been tempered in some serious fires.
one that i'm really surprised wasn't mentioned was hitting your children or threatening them. that doesn't help anyone at all, even if you're doing it because you genuinely believe that's the way to parent them. only makes your kids better at not crying when they get hurt, not knowing what's considered right and wrong, and becoming self-destructive bc they don't fear pain. any parents in the comments who do this- please stop, this is one thing you shouldn't pass down to younger generations.
Unfortunately I still live with my parents (this is something my mom does though) but for me it’s a couple things: Crying is shameful Anger is a bad emotion Be afraid of everything, because you are always at risk of being hurt You can never have social media because you might get kidnapped by a pr*dator (even though I knew not to do that by age 9) That’s just a few things that have already scarred me for life…
I guess my biggest one is Parentification. I was in charge and babysat constantly but had no power. So only could watch my siblings do s**t and then get in trouble for it later even though I couldn't stop them or I would get in trouble for that. I was in charge of getting them ready for school every day, I babysat every weekend, and I had basically no social life. I learned quickly to cook and clean the entire house before I asked for anything. So I'm near 50 and I still feel responsible for my siblings even though they are grown adults. But of course if you ask my mother about any of this she will deny it. Classic narcissist.
Not letting them in (at an appropriate level) on what you're going through. My aunt had a panic attack when my (15yo) younger cousin said something while frustrated that brought up old trauma (basically that she causes chaos and stress). She didn't want to dump her problems on her kids, but I told her that she needs to talk with them about these things because they want to know how to avoid hurting her and she should be able to trust them because they're her family.
Not taking accountability/blaming is a big one for me. I once got yelled at, smacked over the head by my step mom for close to 45 minutes. What did I do? My backpack wasn't organized. I was called selfish, stupid, and manipulative over a backpack. I was like 13-14 at the time. When my dad tried to talk to her, she just says stuff like "Oh so I guess I'M the bad guy here RIGHT?" and "She needs to step the f**k up, she's not a child anymore." Ironic thing is, she always tells me I'm an adult when it's convenient. but as SOON as I do something moderately "adult" I get told I'm "too young for that" because I'm "Just a child and don't know anything"
The thing that pops in my head is wondering how the parents were raised, I'm not saying anything they did was right. Just a little story my dad shared with me years ago, he grew up on farm and one night when he was in high school my grandfather took my three aunts and grandma into town for dinner and my dad had to stay and watch the farm, well that night he used the tractor to go to the neighbors house and drop off a letter, later that night he was pulled out of bed by my grandpa and whipped with a belt. Sometimes thinking about how the parents were raised can shed some light on why they do what they do, it doesn't excuse what they do but it might just help the child understand why. My dad has never laid a hand on me or brother's if anyone is wondering.
This one is so obvious it's odd you overlooked it. 'Staying together for the kids'. Some of these are just wingeing; at some point you have to grow a pair, acknowledge that no one's perfect(including yourself) and move on. Give credit where it's due(if any) and decide you can do better. Then do it and stop blaming; you alone decide whether you're a victim.
This post makes me so sad. You´re a parent, not a super hero, and there´re no manuals of how to be a perfect dad/mum, yet you were brought up in such a fine way that you´re able to discuss what´s good or bad. That´s something some people can´t do because they´ve known nothing better. They can´t discern good from bad. Hopefully you´ll be a parent someday and perhaps make mistakes too, and let´s hope your children don´t make an article out of it.
Being an awful person isn't excusable. This isn't just a small mistake, either. These are abusive, damaging, and long-term effects. You act like it's okay to repeatedly damage a child. Are you abusive?
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Denying the kid's reality. Saying, "That never happened.". Or denigrating their feelings. "You don't even have anything to feel sad (angry, scared, etc.) about!"
My mum is also a massive gaslighter, blaming me for things I watched her do.
Load More Replies... The one thing this article shouts out loud is that too many people are not capable of being decent parents. Parenting should be a privilege, not a right. And it should not be a career choice.
One I'd like to add... Saying that you need to listen to any adult and do what they say, just because they are an adult. It could've been a complete stranger, but since they are an adult you should listen. I've been r-ped, i still seek external validation for everything, javascript:void(0);and even though it always hurts me in the end, I am still over trusting.
I hope things get better better you..absolutely don't listen to just anyone..adults are wrong too..and plenty monsters out there.
Load More Replies... Not giving their kids body independence. Don’t make your kids kiss, hug, or embrace someone they don’t want to. It teaches kids that their body is community property and they can’t say no.
The majority of these are my entire family. The worst of it was, I was adopted. They constantly reminded me of that, that I was thrown away by my real family and they got stuck with me. I was never wanted, never belonged, still don't. My mother's still doing it to me, and I can't get out. She treats my son good, though.
1. Telling me that I can't know that I'm gay because I've never had sex with a woman and then being surprised as I proceeded to have sex with all the boys. 2. Acting as if they never made mistakes. I didn't talk to them about things because I figured they couldn't possibly understand what it felt like to mess up.
I wish that they’d explained to me that there are times when it’s *okay* to hit people. I could’ve saved myself a couple of years of on and off harassment from various assholes at school and at the park. If someone’s hitting you, you’re allowed to hit back.
1 of 2: The one I was looking for was "parentification". One definition is "Using your children as unpaid help is an example of parentification. A form of emotional abuse or neglect where a child becomes the caregiver to their parent or sibling. A child is used by the parent to fulfil their own needs — leading to the child's becoming secondary." My parents did this to me. When I was 7, they moved us to a farm, three weeks before my school let out for the summer. They packed up the house, took my 3 younger siblings with them, & left me with a neighbor for 3 straight weeks. They picked me up after school was done & I became a 7 year old farmhand, helping take care of 60 laying hens - mom sold eggs for money because siblings were too young for school. When the youngest finally started school, mom went back to work as a nurse full-time, and I was expected to babysit the "kids", make sure they did homework, make sure I did my homework, feed the cattle, and do prep for dinner.
2 of 2: Add on to all that - if my siblings didn't do their homework or chores, guess who got yelled at. Yep, ME. It was always my fault they didn't do their chores, and if I tried to make them, then they "tattled" that I was "mean" to them & I got punished double. I left home when I was 19, and never really went back. The only time I did was right after leaving an abusive ex, and when my house burned down, and those were both only for about 6 weeks. And my siblings are puzzled that I don't "worship" my parents, especially my father, smh. They have very different memories.
Load More Replies... A lot of triggers in these for me :( I guess the best I can do is to do better by my daughters and break the cycle of dysfunction in my family.
Please talk to someone about what you've been through. It's hard work, but so very worth it.
Load More Replies... Adding one of my own: not allowing me an education. Highly religious parents, so I wasn't allowed to go to public school out of fear of "corruption". Because of that I was homeschooled, but my mom was an entirely unfit teacher so even the work that i managed to get done on my own she never made any transcripts for. This also came with major isolation where I only got to see people at church on Sunday (if they decided to even go, they didn't like to leave the house) But I hope to one day help any teens in similar situations, even if just giving them some hope as an example. I got my GED this year on my first attempt. I'm moving in a couple weeks from my tiny town they stuck me in to a big city for school and an opportunity to meet people. Looking back, I never imagined myself being where I am now. It seemed so hopeless being locked away but I'm striving to accept that I'm strong and intelligent, even though my mom spent my entire life telling me the complete opposite.
Alya, I think you're very brave. It's definitely not to late to build the life you want and deserve. I wish you all the very best!
Load More Replies... Forcing your religious beliefs on your children. That was the only thing my parents were guilty of. If I tried to refuse I was grounded. I made it very clear at a young age I didn't believe what I was told by the Catholic Church and I was forced to go until after made my confirmation in the eighth grade. After my confirmation I never went to church again with the exception of my grandparents funerals.
Raised in a lower middle class suburban Catholic household in an upper middle class WASP town. One of like 3 Caths in my whole grade and the other ones didn’t even go to our church, they went to an “Italian church” (we’re Irish so we drove two towns over lol, that’s sooo New Jersey *facepalm* ) Anyway got revenge on my wicked grandma after confirmation and never went back to her church, even for her funeral. I went goth, so my CCD classes were put to good use! Also I married a non-white person. In a Protestant church ;D He’s a good man. We aren’t having kids. Oh, family!
Load More Replies... I'm so happy things like this are getting more well known. I have 2 young kids and I'd like to mess them up as little as possible.
Still, we grow up, unless we are badly mistreated, we're adults, we can change. I was told clean your plate , I had cult religion parents, no outside activities or friends, and all that, I moved on. My eating changed even the food, more home grown veg and such, not religious.
This makes it sound like it's okay to accuse kids, because they can change. That's pretty gross.
Load More Replies... My father is messing me up by showing too much love. He buys the most expensive stuff for me even though I don’t want them. I feel really guilty because of it. He he also forces me to hug him even though I make it clear that I don’t enjoy them at all.
Gifts make me uncomfortable, too. I don't think he's showing too much love. Love would mean respecting your boundaries.
Load More Replies... Reading all of this was really difficult because I related to so much of it, but I wanted to read everything, because people need to have their stories heard, their pain witnessed. I also wanted to say one more thing. It is possible to take the pain and abuse of childhood and transform it into something that makes you stronger, kinder, and braver. For me, it meant therapy and medication at times. But it can be done. None of us are "broken", we've just been tempered in some serious fires.
one that i'm really surprised wasn't mentioned was hitting your children or threatening them. that doesn't help anyone at all, even if you're doing it because you genuinely believe that's the way to parent them. only makes your kids better at not crying when they get hurt, not knowing what's considered right and wrong, and becoming self-destructive bc they don't fear pain. any parents in the comments who do this- please stop, this is one thing you shouldn't pass down to younger generations.
Unfortunately I still live with my parents (this is something my mom does though) but for me it’s a couple things: Crying is shameful Anger is a bad emotion Be afraid of everything, because you are always at risk of being hurt You can never have social media because you might get kidnapped by a pr*dator (even though I knew not to do that by age 9) That’s just a few things that have already scarred me for life…
I guess my biggest one is Parentification. I was in charge and babysat constantly but had no power. So only could watch my siblings do s**t and then get in trouble for it later even though I couldn't stop them or I would get in trouble for that. I was in charge of getting them ready for school every day, I babysat every weekend, and I had basically no social life. I learned quickly to cook and clean the entire house before I asked for anything. So I'm near 50 and I still feel responsible for my siblings even though they are grown adults. But of course if you ask my mother about any of this she will deny it. Classic narcissist.
Not letting them in (at an appropriate level) on what you're going through. My aunt had a panic attack when my (15yo) younger cousin said something while frustrated that brought up old trauma (basically that she causes chaos and stress). She didn't want to dump her problems on her kids, but I told her that she needs to talk with them about these things because they want to know how to avoid hurting her and she should be able to trust them because they're her family.
Not taking accountability/blaming is a big one for me. I once got yelled at, smacked over the head by my step mom for close to 45 minutes. What did I do? My backpack wasn't organized. I was called selfish, stupid, and manipulative over a backpack. I was like 13-14 at the time. When my dad tried to talk to her, she just says stuff like "Oh so I guess I'M the bad guy here RIGHT?" and "She needs to step the f**k up, she's not a child anymore." Ironic thing is, she always tells me I'm an adult when it's convenient. but as SOON as I do something moderately "adult" I get told I'm "too young for that" because I'm "Just a child and don't know anything"
The thing that pops in my head is wondering how the parents were raised, I'm not saying anything they did was right. Just a little story my dad shared with me years ago, he grew up on farm and one night when he was in high school my grandfather took my three aunts and grandma into town for dinner and my dad had to stay and watch the farm, well that night he used the tractor to go to the neighbors house and drop off a letter, later that night he was pulled out of bed by my grandpa and whipped with a belt. Sometimes thinking about how the parents were raised can shed some light on why they do what they do, it doesn't excuse what they do but it might just help the child understand why. My dad has never laid a hand on me or brother's if anyone is wondering.
This one is so obvious it's odd you overlooked it. 'Staying together for the kids'. Some of these are just wingeing; at some point you have to grow a pair, acknowledge that no one's perfect(including yourself) and move on. Give credit where it's due(if any) and decide you can do better. Then do it and stop blaming; you alone decide whether you're a victim.
This post makes me so sad. You´re a parent, not a super hero, and there´re no manuals of how to be a perfect dad/mum, yet you were brought up in such a fine way that you´re able to discuss what´s good or bad. That´s something some people can´t do because they´ve known nothing better. They can´t discern good from bad. Hopefully you´ll be a parent someday and perhaps make mistakes too, and let´s hope your children don´t make an article out of it.
Being an awful person isn't excusable. This isn't just a small mistake, either. These are abusive, damaging, and long-term effects. You act like it's okay to repeatedly damage a child. Are you abusive?
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