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“Do Not Speed Read This”: Bride Refuses To Invite Autistic Sister To Her Wedding As She Can’t Comprehend Boundaries
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“Do Not Speed Read This”: Bride Refuses To Invite Autistic Sister To Her Wedding As She Can’t Comprehend Boundaries

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Getting married is one of the most joyous occasions in a person’s life. And there is nothing surprising when the bride and groom do everything to make sure that this day goes without any disruptions or unwanted surprises. Some say that this is nearly impossible, but one will always try to foreshadow and prepare for any unexpected things.

One Reddit user decided to share her own struggle that she has to go through before her wedding. The title that asked: “AITA for not wanting my disabled sister at my wedding?” has gained a lot of attention and other people’s opinions and advice.

More Info: Reddit

For some people, their wedding day is one of the most important and joyous days in their life, so there is nothing weird about wanting it to be perfect

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The woman started her story by telling about her 21-year-old sister who has severe autism. The sister who she presented as Anna has been living with their parents as she isn’t capable of taking care of herself. Her sister shared that Anna struggles to communicate with others and also finds it hard to keep her boundaries.

The user continued her story by saying that in 3 months, she is getting married to her fiancé Michael. It is going to be a small wedding at his parents’ farm, in a barn. Since the celebration is not going to be very big, it is easier and faster to plan, so the bride already sent out the invitations, but she decided not to invite her sister Anna.

A Reddit user decided to ask people online if she is right for not inviting her severely autistic sister to her wedding

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Image credits: PriyrPo

The narrator continued to explain why she didn’t want her sister to come to the wedding. As Anna has a severe disorder, she finds it hard to keep her boundaries around other people, especially her sister’s fiancé. The woman shared that her sister likes to take his hand, hug and kiss him, and sees Michael as her comfort person. And in case Anna is not allowed to do what she wants, she gets terribly frustrated. Because of her autism, it’s hard to talk about these things to her and explain why she can’t have what she wants.

Image credits: PriyrPo

The bride-to-be shared that it’s hard to manage her sister’s behavior, especially around her fiancé, so she thinks it’s best if the sister just skipped the wedding

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Image credits: PriyrPo

Because of this reason, the user said she doesn’t want her sister to be at the wedding as it wouldn’t be comfortable for her, her fiancé, and even Anna herself. When the bride explained all of her concerns to her parents, they were upset with her decision.

The bride’s parents called her “selfish” and inconsiderate as her sister might never be able to experience such a day herself, so leaving her out of this is a cruel thing to do. When it came to Anna harassing Michael, the parents again weren’t on their side, saying that this is something both she Michael should understand.

The bride’s parent’s didn’t like this idea because they don’t find her sister’s behavior towards the fiancé weird or unpleasant

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The family couldn’t reach an agreement even though the bride tried to offer multiple ways out of this situation

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Image credits: PriyrPo

After a while, the parents contacted the bride telling her that they won’t be attending the wedding after all and asked Michael not to visit them anymore. They tried to justify Anna’s behavior by telling her that this is how every woman her age feels; it’s just that she has a problem with expressing herself in a more appropriate way and it’s just something that the couple has to understand.

Image credits: PriyrPo

When the bride tried to suggest a few more ways out of this situation, for example, showing the wedding through a webcam or hiring someone to take care of Anna during the wedding, the parents declined all of her efforts. The discussion came to the point where the user had to tell their parents that she has had to put up with this for a long time and wants this one day for herself and in the future, she doesn’t want to take responsibility for being her keeper.

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Image credits: PriyrPo

This sincere truth made the parents even more frustrated and so the user doesn’t know how to act so that everyone will remain happy in this situation. The woman showed that she loves her sister and she doesn’t want any bad comments sent along her way, she just wants what is best for everyone.

A lot of people supported the bride, telling her that this is not how her parents should act and that they should understand that the woman and her soon-to-be husband want to have a celebration and a life of their own. What do you think about this story? Don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments down below!

People online were expressing their support for the bride, pointing out that her parents are the ones who don’t understand the scope of the issue

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terileebruyere avatar
Terilee Bruyere
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a parent of two children on the spectrum, one on the severe end, I honestly don't blame the bride for asking that her sister not attend. Not only is it stressful for other people it's also potentially extremely stressful for her sister, who would likely be overwhelmed by the chaos that even a very quite wedding has. Perhaps a small ceremony at home at a later date for her sister to be included in would be nice but the parents have to understand that this is not just because the fiancé seems the target of affection but for the sister who would have trouble with understanding why she cannot do things her way at this time. The only a$$hole-ish thing is the parents wanting to force BOTH their daughters and their future son-in-law in a potentially very uncomfortable situation.

donotreplytokjk avatar
Otter
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That was my biggest concern, how would an autisgic person with "social discomvort" cope with a wedding? Or worse, a wedding reception?

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robertbaldwin avatar
SumoNinja
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The parents seem to be completely ignoring Michael in this. no matter what the reason, no is likely to be comfortable with that level of forced intimate contact. Even if she has no idea that what she is doing is inappropriate, the impact on him is real. Being accommodating to people with disabilities has to have some limits especially when it directly impacts another person. And as someone else said, imagine if the gender roles were reversed. This wouldn't even be a debate.

daphnewilliams avatar
BoopBoop
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Absolutely. He is entitled to not wish physical contact with anyone, including the sister, her parents, his parents, anyone. Men are entitled to bodily integrity, just like women are.

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desireemckinnon620 avatar
Desiree McKinnon
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My brother-in-law is autistic. When it came down to his invitation to the wedding I talked to my future in-laws (his parents) about it. As my husband's brother he should be there. They assured me that the crowd of people he didn't know would only upset him. I didn't want to do that so I left it to their assessment. Your sister is not to blame for her actions, she has no way of knowing what she's doing is making people uncomfortable. Your parents, however, DO. It seems that they are insisting that the 'disabled' sister be put before anyone else and damn the rest of the world. That's wrong on so many levels.

elanorrosser avatar
Ellie Rosser
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband developed testicular cancer-which was terrifying and emotionally distressing to him as well as socially awkward since he wasn't comfortable with people discussing his testicles. We begged his parents not to tell his intellectually altered sister about it because she would obsess about it and broadcast it. Butt they did the whole guilt trip about how she shouldn't be excluded from the family like that and that she loved her brother and would keep his confidence if asked and yadda yadda and told her anyway. She then stood up in church in the middle of the sermon and announced to the whole congregation that her brother's testicles were wrong. Yeah, thanks PIL's, he really needed that.

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Akif Akif
Community Member
2 years ago

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anna-r-mchugh avatar
CatGirl
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The wedding aside, I'm horrified by the parents - this is just the first step in a lifelong process of making THEIR child another person's problem. It must suck to have a disabled child, but you cannot EVER assume that your other children will step into the role of parent.

jtrisn1 avatar
jtrisn1
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The parents are the disgusting one here. They sound like they're one step away from pressuring OP share her husband with Anna romantically and sexually.

angelanagel avatar
Yoga Kitty
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That is what I thought, too. "Your sister cannot have her own husband, wedding day, romance, physical intimacy - so let her share yours!" This is really bad. I am also quite sure that the parents definitely plan on dumping poor Anna on her sister's family when they themselves get too old. They will try to guilt trip her into "doing the right thing". This is not okay for any of their daughters. Anna deserves competent and professional help and support, she does not understand that it is wrong but she simply cannot just "claim" people as her comfort person! And the bride and her husband deserve to live their life as they want and not drag Anna along as the third wheel to their bicycle. Who could even predict what might happen if they decide to have a baby? So if the parents ask them to "no longer visit", well, maybe that is in fact what they should do for some time....

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katy_malinowski avatar
Katy McMouse
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The bit about the sister experiencing momentous life events through her sister makes no sense to me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if the sister doesn't grasp basic rules of engagement and is, through no fault of her own, incapable of appreciating those life events, how is it that her parents think she's missing out on these experiences? I think the parents are mourning this loss for one child, while completely negating the other sibling's life experiences.

satu-portimojarvi avatar
Big Blue Cat
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree, it sounds more like parents are mourning that the disabled daughter won't have the usual milestones in life and it's totally unfair to expect op to compensate it on her special days. Not to mention how her fiancee feels. I feel for siblings of disabled. They are left out their whole life because disabled sibling gets all the care and attention simply because they take up every moment of parents' time. I know they usually try (e.g. arrange regular alone time with one parent etc.) but it's still totally different family dynamic. I don't blame anyone, it' just circumstance families have to cope with. These siblings are so amazing though and parents should remember that their other kids don't owe them or the disabled sibling their whole life, they can't punish kids for being born without disability. (Just as they can't blame the disabled kid for being born disabled)

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suuspuusje avatar
Susie Elle
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What a pickle :/ I personally see multiple problems. For one, even for someone who's special needs like Anna in this story, it's not okay to just claim another person as a comfort person if that person has no professional background to fulfill that need. I understand how little influence the parents possibly have on this, but how is Michael supposed to feel about this? Even a special needs person can't just go around hugging and kissing someone when they feel the need to. They're letting their daughter harrass him. Second, the parents seem to make the 'issue' of their special needs daughter the obligation of their other daughter, in the sense that because Anne will never have or experience something, everything else must make place. You can't make one persons problem another persons responsibility, not even with a special needs child, and ESPECIALLY if the person made responsible is ALSO a child. Third, the parents are emotionally blackmailing OP. All is not okay.

saruuu avatar
Sa Ruuu
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I can completely relate to Michael in this situation. All throughout middle school and high school, there was a blind, disabled student who would always find certain girls, myself included, during his breaks and hug them or sit in their lap and lay his head on their breasts. No teacher, not his parents, absolutely no one told him that was inappropriate behavior to do. Everyone let him get away with it because he was disabled which made his behavior "harmless". But every girl he did that to, all said how much it made them uncomfortable but the whole situation made them feel bad and that they couldn't speak up. In high school, I had two friends dating and during a lunch break, one of them was sitting in the others lap. One of the teachers on lunch duty came over and said no touching was allowed. But they never, never said that to that guy who would always come over and sit in a girls lap and lay his head on their breasts.

edwardwillis909 avatar
Edward Willis
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is horrible how schools often excuse all of a disabled person's behaviour. You can't do that. Some of it, absolutely, but to levels like you've described, the sad question has to be asked of "is this child capable of dealing with a normal school?" My wife had an autistic classmate who now can't really cope with the world as they feel entitled to get everything their way because that's how it was in school. Had they been taught otherwise, they would be struggling, but they could likely cope more. As with neurotypical parenting, you cannot always say yes if you want someone to learn how to manage in the world outside home.

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daphnewilliams avatar
BoopBoop
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It kind of sounds like the parents have prioritized the needs of their disabled daughter over their other daughters during their kid's whole lives, and they're still doing it now. I'm not judging them, it must be so hard to be in that situation, but it's definitely not the bride or grooms fault for not wanting the sister there.

sassyandclassy avatar
classbag
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I mean, the bride offered to pay for someone to be with Anna at the wedding to distract her and help keep her away from Michael, as well as multiple other reasonable solutions, and the parents refused. My sympathy for them kind of runs outs at that point. It seems like what they really want is for OP to submit to catering to Anna completely in preparation for becoming her carer. The prospect of OP giving that responsibility to others, even professionals, is unacceptable to them. I don't think it's okay for the parents to do that.

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redling avatar
HorrorEyeArcade
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

i have autism, and i understand. it seems a bit unfair at first, but honestly, if someone can't respect boundaries, no matter the reason, you're allowed to keep them out of parts of your life that require a respect of boundaries

icanhazpanda avatar
Raven DeathShade
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have a question that you can disregard if it seems too rude or out of line. I knew a girl once who had autism, and she used it as an excuse to be the worst human being I've ever encountered, bullying me and all my friends until I kicked her out of my life and all places where she could ever contact me. Since then, I have tried to completely shut down any mention or reference to her, save to explain why so many of my friends abruptly left our group at once. She is very persistent, but thankfully never reached out to me in favor of trying to persuade others to talk to me (these attempts died out about a month or so after the so-called "Split"). She was 14 at the time, and I was 16. Was I wrong to shut her out and ignore her completely? I feel like I should have helped her with her struggles, but since talking to her came at the expense of my mental health, I never did.

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assistanttodj avatar
Karis Ravenhill
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So when the sister inappropriately gains an obsession with another guy in the future, are the parents also going to say to that guy "she's allowed to molest you, her Autism gives her the right to do whatever she wants"? No. sorry. Unacceptable. While everyone has great sympathy and understanding for disabled individuals, their disability doesn't give them the leeway to make others extremely uncomfortable or to the point of physical harassment/assault (technically that's what's happening to your poor fiance every time she tries to touch or kiss him, if the gender roles were reversed this would all be EXTREMELY inappropriate and NOT allowed, just because he's a man doesn't mean he can't feel abused or traumatized from these interactions). It sounds like your parents expect everyone to move aside for their disabled daughter, which means you have automatically been pegged as her carer when your parents die. You are NOT the A-hole here, they are (not your sister).

sheila_stamey avatar
Sheila Stamey
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How selfish is it to ask that someone outt their complete comfort zone aside and submit to what would add up to sexual assault in any other person..imagine, people who are on the spectrum are out and about in the world every day. Some behave better, some worse. I have been around a great deal of these people,day by day,c they can understand boundaries or stay home. Sounds to me like the parents are spoiling her rotten which unfortunately does happen.

praga35 avatar
Remi A. Paulin
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My 23 y o son is severely autistic, non verbal and has the mind of a 4 years old. I didn't invite him to my wedding last August - I would have been stressed to death knowing he was there... He eats like an ogre, jumps and screams most of the time and when he doesn't, god only knows what he could do without constant supervision.

alinatheowl avatar
Unnamed Hooman
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I read the title and thought “oh, YTA. Definitely.” But after reading it through, I would probably do the same!

marshafredell avatar
Lovin' Life
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As the parent of an autistic child, why would these parents want to put Anna in this situation. For the most part, autistic persons do not deal with change and lots of people. For my child even a group of five can cause a meltdown. This is a structured event and would be hard for Anna to navigate through comfortably. Given just those reasons is enough for them to consider leaving Anna with a sitter. It seems likely that she isn't going to understand what is going on anyway. Expecting her to go or be allowed is selfish on the parents part as well knowing the outcome will most likely be an unnecessary or preventable breakdown for Anna.

stampfreak avatar
Suz66
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If Anna would be super distracting during the ceremony and the parents can't or won't contain her, then she should probably not come. The parents having a hissy fit is wrong. If they don't have a way to have someone else supervise her, that's concerning. I can't believe they've never needed someone to watch her before! It's quite another thing to put the future lifetime care of Anna on the sister's shoulders. This is really disturbing! It's unfair of them to demand this from her other daughter! My sister has a son who is lower functioning on the spectrum. He's invited to family events but if he gets disruptive she or her husband will bring him outside out of earshot. They've created a trust for him and when they are gone his care is already planned. They don't want to put that responsibility upon their other son. These parents are awful! It seems like they're blaming the groom but the bride has clearly made up her mind.

hunnreich avatar
T.Milly
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm with the bride to be on this one. It sounds like social situations cause or aggravate unnecessary anxiety in her autistic sister. This is one day in the lives of these folks & this day is not about focusing on the autistic sister.

jakeleehutch avatar
King Joffrey
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This post inadvertently touches upon a subject of sexual needs of disabled people and this is not discussed nowhere near enough.

anvime avatar
Burs
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There aren’t sexual needs. Sex is not a need for humans at all. A person is never entitled to sex no matter how much they want it.

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sareaesque668 avatar
Steph Harrison
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

One of my biggest sources of stress for planning my wedding for next year was whether to invite my biological mother. The issue isn't just that she has a severe learning disability but that my biological father's side of the family, who I want no contact with, could use it as a chance to try and turn up. My parents had invited her before we had made a decision on it, but her actions since have officially uninvited her. I feel bad that she won't be involved in it, but it is a huge relief not having to worry about the potential drama if she was.

emmagee avatar
Emma Gee
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You're allowed to be "selfish" for atleast one damn day in your life. Lol. You're allowed to have as perfect of a day as possible n if that means a person or two has to be left off the guest list in order for YOU n YOUR PARTNER to enjoy YOUR DAY... then that's what you do n you don't need to feel bad, explain yourself or even stress about it in general. My mother is also a... uhhh... difficult person to say the least. She is very toxic, selfish n she honestly has never really been a mother to me.. beyond her giving birth to me.. she has failed in ever single way possible. I have tried so many times to make our relationship work.. but it has never made a difference. So When my husband n I got married I made the difficult choice to leave her out of everything despite the rest of my family being mad about it.. but it was the best decision I made. My wedding was as perfect as it could have been. No drama. No stress. No babysitting my intoxicated mother...We were able to enjoy OUR DAY the..

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amykinsk avatar
Amy Chambliss-Keith
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Me ex had an adult cousin who behaved similar to this. She attached herself to a person at social gatherings. Some people were comfortable with it, others were not. I happened to be comfortable with it. However, her wonderful Mom and Dad handled the situation the same way every time. They had her step away, talked to her about why she could not behave this way and then distracted her with an activity, (which they always brought a bag full of). They started this when? When she was a child, of course! These parents obviously feel the bride OWES her sister. Not only do they expect her to accept this behavior, but her husband to be as well! They also assumed she will take her sister in after they are gone! The bride deserves HER day. Her sister does not need to be there. The parents should be.

amykinsk avatar
Amy Chambliss-Keith
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Almost forgot... The sister will not feel slighted if the parents don't make her feel that way..

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michaeldill_1 avatar
michael dill
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

as a person who lives with five other disabled people i understand

marcoconti avatar
Marco Conti
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To me the clincher was the offer to pay for a trained person to take care of the sister. That seems eminently fair to me. It's at that point that I stopped empathizing with the parents. I cannot know many of the specifics, but I would think that with professional help and some well planned logistics, the wedding attendees could be spared a scene. I am also concerned about the disabled sister and the parent's attitude outside of the wedding, for they don't seem well equipped to handle her. I understand the drive to normalize the sister's life and have her participate in family functions, but if she were quadriplegic, surely they would make sure the venue was well equipped for her disability and they wouldn’t force the bride and groom to be on wheelchairs to "normalize" things. Still, I'd want to hear from the parents to form a definite opinion, but so far they seem to be in the wrong.

vernon_bear avatar
Gavin Johnson
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Compromise? A wedding day without her sister and then a celebration day the day after with the whole family there? Both sides are in a difficult position but it’s their wedding day, so they get to choose how it is organised.

mandygora03 avatar
BorPand8
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Doesn't take care of the 'sexually harassing my fiancé' problem though.

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luxmontgomery avatar
Lucretia Montgomery
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA I have long standing depression episodes and on a good day I dressed up, put on a skirt and went shopping with my Mom, it was one of those rare days I was feeling good about myself. Some young autistic boy put his hands all the way up my skirt because his father that was meant to keep an eye on him wasn't doing his job, I don't wear skirts any more because of this incident. It doesn't matter what the reasons are why someone is molesting another person, it simply should not be permitted, point blank. Nobody has a waiver to put their hands on another person at any time, let alone their wedding day.

icanhazpanda avatar
Raven DeathShade
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The parents...I can't see their point of view on this. They're trying to force Anna's sister, someone Anna surely loves, to invite Anna to something she cannot physically cope with? Social discomfort is terrible, and would surely be aggravated by something as major as a wedding. And as for the sexual harassment of Michael, I think she's just like a little kid. She doesn't understand what she's doing wrong, but if she cannot be taught to know, then she should not be allowed to interact with that person, for their own safety.

satu-portimojarvi avatar
Big Blue Cat
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Good point. One day she might cling to a person who will take advantage of her the minute the parents aren't watching.

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vt_shinomi avatar
Shinomi Chan
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'd assume that the wedding and the reception full of unknown people would not be good for Anna. Any loud noises, or so could trigger her, not to mention strangers all around her. I do think the Bride is in her right to not include her, as she said that Anna could not understand why she can not try to hug or kiss Michael whenever she wants. The parents are being completely unreasonable here, and if they're seriously trying to give their other daughter ultimatums... Well that screams toxic to me. Good riddance. I do feel sorry for both sisters though.

emory_ce avatar
Carol Emory
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a parent of an autistic man (he's 31) I completely understand your viewpoint. My husband and I are trying to train our son to be independent as much as possible. We know there is the possibility that he will live in a home or with an assistant for the rest of his life because of his issues. I would never just expect anyone to set aside their life to take care of him. As far as the wedding goes, I agree with Terilee that a smaller ceremony for the sister at your parents house might be the key to getting your sister to understand what it means and why Michael is unavailable to her.

pmnovack avatar
Kanga9ine
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Back to the two brothers...the daily went on a camping trip and the kid with autism had great difficulty with the change in environment, sensory issues, not having his "peeps", the people toys he played with every morning at school when I was working with him. So the trip was cut short. And my heart broke when he started to cry, saying he just wished he could have a normal brother. The parents of this bride are wrong to pull this crap on their daughter. More harm is done by parents who make excuses and doing everything for the kid who's wiring is a little different than theirs. The inappropriate displays of affection need redirecting. The girl may think it's ok to hug and kiss because that's what her sister goes when she loved someone. There is a total lack of understanding of listening happening here.

katieabdallah avatar
Blue Cicada
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

For OP and other people in a similar situation, have an honest and blunt conversation with your parents. Mom/Dad, you are NOT properly caring for this vulnerable young adult. If you are not teaching her boundaries, about what she cannot do to other people, how the hell is she going to know when people are being inappropriate with her? With special needs, she is at a _VERY_ high risk of being a victim of assault. If she has the cognitive abilities of a two year old or higher, she can easily learn about appropriate interactions, although she might need to be reminded weekly, or even daily. But she can learn. If she had boundaries, she could easily be involved in and attend the wedding, with a highly trained attendant and a prearranged quiet place/alternative activities to retreat to for her own comfort or the comfort of the guests.

pmnovack avatar
Kanga9ine
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I worked with a little boy with autism who had a brother a few years older. Having a child with special needs is probably the hardest personal challenge

katie-trondsen avatar
KT
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

WTF, im shocked you let this go on as long as it has. EVen if she's autistic it is NOT okay for her to sexually harass your fiance, ever. There needs to be boundries set, and the parents are just being lazy because its easier. Expecting your soon to be husband to just deal with being touched and harassed constantly is NOT okay

deborahbrett avatar
Deborah B
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. Very difficult situation for all involved, but the parents need a reality check. Michael is not a comfort object or a therapy animal. He's a person. It's not okay for Anna to touch him and kiss him. Just like it wouldn't be okay if the genders were reversed.

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Elmie Pumpkinbush
Community Member
2 years ago

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vkennedy avatar
V Kennedy
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

not only are the parents totally wrong, the BIGGER picture is the future - they are living with their heads in the sand. They NEVER should be the only caregivers for their daughter - she should be learning skills - probably in a group home for adults AND they need to prepare this girls life for when they ARE GONE. Totally NOT fair to assume your other daughter will put HER life aside and take care of a special needs family member forever. There needs rho be a SERIOUS sit down with all involved. And NO - she should NOT come to the wedding - too much stimulation - not to mention the touching.

yoelshapiro avatar
Yoel Shapiro
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sounds like your family has a heavy burden to carry. Well done to your parents for how they support your sister, although they do sound a bit closed minded about alternatives. It is also their duty to care for you and support you in becoming your own persona; I sympathize with their fears for your sister, but you should be free to decide how much of it to take on yourself, if any at all. Sounds like you're strong enough to draw these boundaries at this stage in your life, and it's sad to hear how difficult it is going.

kathmorgan avatar
kath morgan
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It sounds fair enough for me; If Sister can’t cope with the wedding environment, maybe it’s not for her. She might not be held accountable for her actions but they do impact people. It also sounds like it might be a good idea for her to have a break from Michael and be encouraged to make more appropriate friends.

isobellagourlay avatar
teal&pink
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hmm, I'm on both ends here. She is NTA but neither is Anna, I have friends with autism, and I'm autistic myself, so I understand having no self-control, especially with lower functioning people. Her parents however are very much the a-hole as they are all or nothing, and that's super unfair.

elanorrosser avatar
Ellie Rosser
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And the OP absolutely does not say or think that Anna is TA. It is her parents whoa re being assholes- saying put up with this or we won't interact with you.

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cecilyholland167 avatar
Cecily Holland
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My female colleague was sexually groped and harassed by a male patient who’s parents are just like poor Anna’s. They were shocked and launched into a tirade that sounded almost identical to the one above. In my job I come across a lot of young adults on the higher end of the spectrum. 99% of them have wonderful parents like Terilee Bruyere. But now and again we get parents like Anna’s. The police were called and the parents given a stern talking to about how this behaviour could land their son in residential care full time if they didn’t take the steps to teach him boundaries

christysmith_1 avatar
Christy Smith
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is the bride & grooms day, they shouldn't have to deal w/the sister ruining the whole wedding by her having fits for not getting her way & because she wouldn't be allowed to stand, glued to the groom. The fact remains that the sister has most likely ruined MANY events throughout her lifetime & the bride has most likely kind of been shove to the side when it comes to her parents. This is her & her groom's day, the sister has ruined enough things over the year, she shouldn't come. It's not like she'll really know the difference if it's not mentioned.

bcgrote avatar
Brandy Grote
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Bravo on her for setting healthy boundaries. Parents need to plan for Anna's future, because it will not and should not be with a sibling who has their own life. If they cannot modify or manage her behavior, they need to rethink who is best to help Anna.

linettedavis avatar
Linette Davis
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You aren't wrong your parents are for trying to talk you into inviting your sister.In the future set some boundaries and keep her away from your husband AT ALL TIMES.You have a right to have your wedding day in peace and if no one likes that tell them not to come also.

abigailwilliams_2 avatar
Call Me Mars
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm autistic, and I can see why she would not want her sister at the wedding. Anna not being able to comprehend boundaries or understand that Micheal is her sister's soon-to-be husband must make the sister and Michael both uncomfy. The parents however don't seem to understand this and that's sad. Yes, I understand advocating for your child who has a disability, but not going to the wedding at all will break the hearts of both of them for a long time. They can't recreate the wedding.

charlottecottrell avatar
Nannychachi
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Every day cannot revolve around your sister! I know she can't comprehend that so it's up to your parents to find someone to stay with her during the wedding. The behavior is inappropriate to say the least and should not be tolerated at all and certainly not at your wedding of all places. I had a brother with learning disabilities and he said inappropriate things from time to time and was always corrected and redirected.

tami_6 avatar
Tami
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. It's the bride and groom's special day, and it sounds like the sister would neither enjoy nor appreciate the event. She'd probably have a meltdown having to watch her comfort person from a distance during the ceremony and reception.

frostirin avatar
lightbulb
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA, that's such a horrible situation. If the genders were reversed everyone would be crying sexual harassment. I can only imagine how Michael feels in that situation.

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Lldhhdh Hdhdhfhfhhf
Community Member
2 years ago

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schlenkerkl avatar
Monique Rosewood
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Firstly, if someone is that socially awkward, a place like a wedding full of people would just be bad for her. Secondly, they are essentially saying it's okay for their daughter to sexually harass someone and the other people just have to deal with it (gross). Third, why is Michael her only comfort person? Shouldn't her parents, sibling or therapist be someone that she more heavily clings to for that?

clairecassady avatar
Chonky
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sounds like her whole life til now has been about her sister. Understandable that she might have been the focus, but that's really hard on the "normal" sibling. She want's a life of her own and that starts with her wedding day. It is immature and unreasonable of the parents to expect her to always be there for Anna or to share her groom. She is their responsibility, not the sisters. They burdened the world with her, they need to take care of her. I am autistic by the way, I am blessed with being high functioning. Anna sounds like she has been indulged by her parents and not taught any boundaries ever. That's on them. Autistic people, even ones with learning disabilities can learn or be distracted from unpleasant behaviours. No excuse to let her molest the guy. Anna is likely to have a meltdown if she goes anyway and it won't be pleasant for her, so should pop into respite for the day and the parents should entirely focus on the bride for once in her life.

sharoncriscenti avatar
sharon criscenti
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am so sorry for all of you.No one is going to be happy with the outcome.As I see it your parents have never gotten or refused to accept the help that has probably been available to them through services for children on the special needs spectrum. It would be hard to believe that the school system, social services, medical services etc. have not been working with your sister since she was about 4 years old at the latest and have not taught your parents and you multiple techniques for calming and directing Anna's behavior. It is not in her best interest to not be spending time all her life working with trained teacher/carers in the home as well as a special classroom a few times a week to prepare her for times when she will have to be adjusting to new people and environments. Your parents should have been getting occasional times off for a weekend when they were able to be alone and she will be preparing for living in a group home when they are no longer able to care for her.

pmnovack avatar
Kanga9ine
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And I'll try one last time. The parents should consider the danger their daughter is facing if her touching and affectionate hugs shift to someone who may not think twice about taking advantage of someone who expresses a physical interest in him. She really needs to be taught some boundaries that she must learn. Autism does not mean unreachable. It means finding a way to stop the blame, the guilt and the grieving. Let them have their victories and their failures. This applies to B all kids let them. There will come a day when all kids must face the world without mom or dad. The biggest gift one can ever give a child, is knowledge and the ability to make it on their own. That is what gives us power over our own lives.Gives us a sense of purpose and belonging in this world. L

beth_landers avatar
Beth L
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Parents who don't help their atypical kids understand other people's needs do everyone a disservice. Yes, Anna has a right to 'be Anna' but also Anna has a right to understand why Michael doesn't like it when Anna mimics how her sister behaves towards him. If they've never helped her understand things like consent and the difference between friendship and romance, they've prevented her from developing into her adult self. I'm sure her sister's wedding isn't the only thing Anna hasn't been invited to.

dodsonmichelle avatar
Celtic Pirate Queen
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I like the comment above about the genders being reversed. There's no way in hell someone would accept a male with autism sexually harassing his soon to be sister in law. The parents are the assh*les in this case. Being the sibling of a disabled person (I'm not , but a dear friend is) can be exhausting. And their needs ALWAYS come before your own. You are always expected to be "understanding". This sister is - she understands that Anna has no control or boundaries and she doesn't want to deal with that kind of BS on her wedding day. The parents are being extremely unreasonable & selfish. IMO I think she'd be much happier if they didn't attend either. And she needs to have another talk about Anna's care once they're gone to let them know she is completely serious about not being Anna's caregiver.

julielovern avatar
Bhadrika Love
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The parents saying it's normal for a woman her age and that she doesn't understand what her feelings mean.... very troubling. They act like she's just like an intrusive child but then show they recognize how sexualized the behavior is. Best case scenario is Anna getting in trouble for inappropriate touching - but worse, she'll also be at extreme risk of being assaulted, given no effort to teach her any sense of boundaries. And that they refuse to consider involving a trained professional to help redirect her behavior? And view that as pawning her off in someone, rather than actually getting expert assistance to help her have the best life she can? Ugh.

amberkitten131 avatar
Bonnie Edwards
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My little brother is on the spectrum. Non-verbal, obsessive-compulsive, no concept of how strong he is, and has no personal boundaries. He came to my wedding, and my sisters wedding, but was in the care of 2 full-time carers (off to one side) the whole time because he does not sit down. Bane of photographers everywhere. When my sister and I started bringing teen-aged friends home, we had to teach him that it wasn't appropriate to paw them all over. For years, our friends wouldn't visit more than once because of our brothers behaviour. I appreciate that not all people can be taught appropriate behaviour (just look at all the able-minded people in jails) - but it's up to parents family, friends and carers to be understanding and united in their guidance and expectations of behaviour.

icanhazpanda avatar
Raven DeathShade
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I had a friend who is autistic. His name is Ryan. I think he's around 18 or 19 now. He was so sweet and kind to everyone, even when he was bullied by a younger sister. I hope he's doing well, I haven't seen him in two years. He deserves everything good in life. Such a nice person.

emmagee avatar
Emma Gee
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

After reading these downvoted comments... I'm 100% convinced that those who wrote them read a completely different article than the rest of us.... because none of you make any sense.

eglbukauskait avatar
Eglė Bukauskaitė
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

People who responded are delusional. YTA!!! 1000% She's not a pet of her parent's it's her closest family. She treats her family like that - Welp Michael has spoilers how she would treat him

alloutbikesyahoo_com avatar
alloutbikes@yahoo.com
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So since a male will not experience giving birth, he can sit in on some random women's labor. Females don't pee standing up... well you get where I'm going with this.

katiesheets avatar
Katie Sheets
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

At first I thought wow bride is selfish but after reading I don't blame her. It's not even just about the fiance it's about the bride. She just wants one day as hers and it sounds like she has never gotten that. And it's true that one stressful comment on a stressful day towards the autistic sister could turn things bad quickly and then the day is ruined. It's one day mom and dad. Let the bride and groom have that.

sanchorb avatar
LSR
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Millenials, the rectal cancer of the 21st century..."oh I cannot decide something for myself and I need a lot of asswipes to validate my actions..."

pmnovack avatar
Kanga9ine
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dang. I keep hitting send. All I wanted to say was learning how to listen also opens the door to get kids to listen to you. I can't tell you how many times I got bonked on the forehead, mistaken for an iPad. Or the Human Pez Dispenser or gummy bear gold mine in my quest to have bathroom visits before the actual act takes place. The parents are doing their

pmnovack avatar
Kanga9ine
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've been thinking about this post and looking back at some of the kids I've worked with. They taught me a lot about how it was imperative I learn to listen in a

zeljkoklaric78_1 avatar
Bernd Herbert
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I always feel a bit sorry for those people who claim a party is their most important days of their live…

marneederider40 avatar
Marnie
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The parents sound like the modern sentimental fools who had to convince themselves to love their autistic daughter as if she were not autistic to the point of no longer even recognizing her disabilities, to the detriment of everyone else. Sentimentality is not a positive trait. In their heart of hearts, they probably would prefer to leave the autistic daughter home. Sad to say that they are likely doing the wrong thing for the autistic daughter as well.

saradagrape avatar
Lady of the Mountains
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

maybe have a small reception with the sister and then the bigger one with the rest of the guest list? the fiance doesn't need to be harassed, but the sister deserves to celebrate.

smckinney73 avatar
Shelley McKinney
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What everyone else has basically said but I'm also concerned that they don't seem to have made actual plans for Anna once they are gone. It seems that they have assumed that the sister would take care of her and that is not her responsibility and nor should it be. It seems like some family counselling/discussions need to be happening.

iapetosdertitan avatar
Iapetos
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. Seems like your parents really don't understand where you're coming from.

itsjustme223 avatar
Shane S
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Parents should’ve taken responsibility for keeping the sister under control. It’s their child. Since they refused that’s on them.

kevinwarner avatar
Kevin Warner
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Its HER day! WHY so MANY want to Ruin other peoples' birthdays I will NEVER UNDERSTAND! This isn't about hating a sister, or a handicapped individual. Not specifics mentioned about the sister but if she is (basically) attempting to engage in ANY level of sexual activity then the parents have failed HORRIBLY in THEIR RESPONSIBILITY to raise the daughter correctly! Frankly, some men can't deal with a female trying to engage in sex the proper way (in cases such as this), which at the moment is neither here nor there, BUT someone trying to get married is supposed to allow THIS during the ceremony?!!! Seems mom and dad are Munchausen by Proxy addicted! I think THEY want sympathy doted onto THEMSELVES and fantasize what a hit they'll get when sister RUINS the Wedding Ceremony!!!

rusty_4 avatar
Susan Stead
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband and I eloped for family behavior reasons. It was too much dealing with all of them, and they didn't even have legitimate issues, such as autism--they were just a-holes who had a beef with each other and couldn't set it aside for one d@mn day. If I were to give this bride one piece of advice, it would be to save the money on a wedding and use it for a nice honeymoon after nuptials at the courthouse. If anybody squawks, tell them to go pound sand. Whenever a member of my family got snarky with me for eloping, I told them straight their face that we eloped because we didn't want to spend thousands of dollars to put up with their shinola when we could do it for free at Thanksgiving.

nwalkowski avatar
Nadine
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The bride and groom deserved to have the wedding they want. And the life they together choose. I wish there was an update. She's your sister, not your child and you aren't responsible for her.

esperanzaescalante-amador avatar
Esperanza Escalante-Amador
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just wondering if there were conversations about this leading up to the invitations being sent out. I think that would have been a more than appropriate conversation to have prior to sending them out and addressing it after the fact. Now, could there be a compromise? I think so. The bride clearly wants nothing to do with caring for her sister in the event that her parents cannot. That is completely her decision, and despite anyone’s opinions (whether you agree or not) it’s not up to anyone else. She has her reasons and honestly the way she spelled them out it was centered around her husband and her future children. When ppl are getting married and starting out, they tend to only think of the other spouses needs and wants and the if’s. I don’t think she was being honest. It’s more respectable to say the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable for others to hear. And now she’s making it seem as if her husband has an issue.

marianmoore1948 avatar
Marian Moore
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Short and sweet... The bride's sister , because of the circumstances, should not be allowed to come to the wedding. She is the parents responsibilty and not the sister's. Why should the groom be made to feel uncomfortable at anytime when the autistic sister is around. It should have been stopped as soon as it started. He should feel comfortable on his wedding day. So the parents can stay home and live to regret it down the line. The bride is not nor should be responsible for her sister. She needs to have guidance from professionals that can help her. Her parents can't separate themselves from her as they should. I just bet the older sister was ignored all her life because her sister is disabled.She should not feel like she needs to share her husband to be with anyone let alone her sister. The parents are very selfish. If I were her I would go about my life with the new husband and not involve themselves in this lopsided life her parents have created. Let them straighten it out.

xstowe avatar
buttonpusher
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've a son who is autistic and I'd be heartbroken and furious in this situation, but that's the defensive parent in me coming out. Hell yeah it's difficult with his quirks, meltdowns and stuff but there is always a way around, or so I like to think. I do feel for the bride though. It's a tough situation and if her sister isn't able to handle the day then I think a smaller ceremony is better. It's hard to know what to do.

katiesheets avatar
Katie Sheets
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't agree. I think you're being biased. The bride should not HAVE to figure out a way around it on HER day. Her one day while every other day she has to watch her sister grope her fiance. The bride has every right to be selfish for one day in her entire life. As many said before me..if autistic sister were a man doing these things, it wouldn't go over well at all and frankly I'm squirmy just thinking about parents allowing that behavior not to mention how poor fiance feels

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willisantiago avatar
willi santiago
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The sister is committing a crime. Would you bring someone who's going to punch or stab people to a gathering? Someone who's going to steal thing or throw furniture. They doing both sisters a disservice, one, by ruining her wedding and the other by allowing her to sexually assault people. Someday she'll be in a group home, but she can't because of her behavior. She'll wind up in some hospital drugged up. Imagine if it were a male forcing kisses and inappropriately touching a female? He'd be charged, disability or not

corinemcmillan avatar
Artoonist Corine
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA - I see both sides to this one. The parents want Anna to be a part of the family and she should be. OP wants her day to be her day - and it should be. My solution would be have parent and Anna there for the ceremony and then they split - with Anna (since they won't let anyone else care for her.) It sounds like the parents and bride need to go to family counselling. I feel like the bride has a lot of pent up emotions that are due to how tough it is being in a family with a disabled person. She said herself she was tired of putting her life aside (and had until she was 18). I feel for this family - there will be hurt feelings no matter what happens.

phantasteek avatar
ChickyChicky
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But an unfamiliar situation and crowd might actually be really stressful for Anna. It might not be in her best interest to be there either.

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Mazer
Community Member
2 years ago

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I wonder if there was a way to make it work, getting a couple of proper caretakers to redirect Anna while everyone is at the wedding. Seems there is a workaround here

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Alex Boyd
Community Member
2 years ago

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Yeah, this is a tough one! It's not at all unreasonable for the LW to want to be the center of attention at her own wedding...let alone her fiancé not wanting to be sexually harassed at his own wedding. Unfortunately, however, since it takes an entire essay to establish why the LW is not a complete "bench" for excluding her disabled sister, she's going to come across as precisely that to everyone who doesn't have the patience or attention span to take in the whole essay. I don't see a good solution here. The ideal would be if the LW could come up with some accommodation that would make it reasonable for her sister to be included in at least a portion of the event, with somebody standing by to take her home early--but it does not sound like the parents are at all interested in working with the LW on any compromise that does not put Sister's needs ahead of those of the wedding couple.

luxmontgomery avatar
Lucretia Montgomery
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It really isn't though, nobody except the bride should be molesting the groom. It doesn't matter whether they're autistic, a relapsed drug addict, a nymphomaniac or any other mentally unorthodox condition leading to this happening. No means no.

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All's Gravy
Community Member
2 years ago

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Are we sure "Michael" hasn't doone anything to Anna to encourage her physical behaviour towards him and is now just reciprocating - because she's confused and doesn't know any better, and this behaviour hasn't been effectively discouraged? Is Michael as innocent as he's being portrayed? Country America they have all sorts of crazy "family" set ups. Hell, they voted Trump in those places! 😂

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Francesca Littman
Community Member
2 years ago

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What about having an attendant for your sister? Perhaps a family member or close friend? Also, I have used iPhone games to distract my brother in public when he gets worked up (make sure to keep the device on silent).

elanorrosser avatar
Ellie Rosser
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And how will the attendant physically prevent Anna touching the groom when she wants to without creating a huge amount of fuss and disturbance during a wedding?

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Dorothy Parker
Community Member
2 years ago

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YTA. I'd like to have quotes or details from Michael. I wonder his perspective on his fiancee's need to have the perfect wedding at the cost of compassion. I hope her parents make future plans for the care of the sister with autism, since the OP has made it clear she won't provide anything for her sister beyond money. I also hope any children they may have are perfect. I would include the sister and arrange for someone she knows and likes to be with her as a paid companion, even arranging for a small room or RV with things she loves to be available in case of a melt down. But exclude her? It sounds like the OP has excluded her and resented her too much.

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Patti Vance
Community Member
2 years ago

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i am on the fence with this issue. i have an autistic grandson that i have raised. he was a participant in a wedding as well. true, his tux was askew by the time the reception was over but all in all his behavior was okay. the in laws were aware of his autism as well. the part i find deplorable is the attitude of the bride in regards of what would happen if the parents were gone. fine, don't have her at the wedding but to feel as if she has had enough of her sister for the rest of her life is horrible. sounds like a woman-child who is still smarting from the fact that her sister took up too much of her parents' time and still feels left out. guess no one tried to explain to her that her sister needed more attention as well as allowing her to express that resentment at times. it's normal to feel resentful at times due to the time/energy it takes. but, never to the point of wanting to leave them out of a life.

alexboyd avatar
Alex Boyd
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Patti, as the saying goes, if you've met one person with autism...you've met one person with autism. The fact that your grandson was able to attend a wedding and behave acceptably doesn't really shed any light on whether or not the LW's sister can do the same.

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Francesca Littman
Community Member
2 years ago

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Also, perhaps have your sister carry a heavy bouquet. If she is holding that it will take her a few extra seconds to try to hug someone inappropriately, giving an attendant time to stop her. Also have a designated place outside the hall where she can chill and take a break if needed. More importantly, make sure some besides you or your parents is designated to care for sister so everyone in the wedding party can enjoy the day.

elanorrosser avatar
Ellie Rosser
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Carry it ALL day? And during dinner? And after into dancing/partying? Yeah that's not going to work. Also, she will just drop it to touch him since she doesn't see anything socially wrong with doing exactly what she wants.

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Mewton’s Third Paw
Community Member
2 years ago

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NTA but definitely too young to get married, adult or not. Statistical disaster. Just a bad, bad idea.

edenblack avatar
GaeFrog
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How do you know the age of the author? The only this I remember it mentioning about age is when it said "I put up with it till I was 18" that could mean a week ago or that could mean 10 years ago. And even if she is young she certainly seems mature enough to get married and determine when she wants to.

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Jason Doakes
Community Member
2 years ago

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It's pretty clear, that the sister is just a nuisance to her, and she obviously doesn't care about her. When you have disabled realtives, your life is different, deal with it, or GTFO

henryhagens avatar
Henry Hagens
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Of course OP is dealing with it, and I would say quite civilly. Dealing with it is not sucking it up and pretending something doesn't exist, it is trying to find something that works and solving problems

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Terilee Bruyere
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a parent of two children on the spectrum, one on the severe end, I honestly don't blame the bride for asking that her sister not attend. Not only is it stressful for other people it's also potentially extremely stressful for her sister, who would likely be overwhelmed by the chaos that even a very quite wedding has. Perhaps a small ceremony at home at a later date for her sister to be included in would be nice but the parents have to understand that this is not just because the fiancé seems the target of affection but for the sister who would have trouble with understanding why she cannot do things her way at this time. The only a$$hole-ish thing is the parents wanting to force BOTH their daughters and their future son-in-law in a potentially very uncomfortable situation.

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Otter
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That was my biggest concern, how would an autisgic person with "social discomvort" cope with a wedding? Or worse, a wedding reception?

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SumoNinja
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The parents seem to be completely ignoring Michael in this. no matter what the reason, no is likely to be comfortable with that level of forced intimate contact. Even if she has no idea that what she is doing is inappropriate, the impact on him is real. Being accommodating to people with disabilities has to have some limits especially when it directly impacts another person. And as someone else said, imagine if the gender roles were reversed. This wouldn't even be a debate.

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BoopBoop
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Absolutely. He is entitled to not wish physical contact with anyone, including the sister, her parents, his parents, anyone. Men are entitled to bodily integrity, just like women are.

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Desiree McKinnon
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My brother-in-law is autistic. When it came down to his invitation to the wedding I talked to my future in-laws (his parents) about it. As my husband's brother he should be there. They assured me that the crowd of people he didn't know would only upset him. I didn't want to do that so I left it to their assessment. Your sister is not to blame for her actions, she has no way of knowing what she's doing is making people uncomfortable. Your parents, however, DO. It seems that they are insisting that the 'disabled' sister be put before anyone else and damn the rest of the world. That's wrong on so many levels.

elanorrosser avatar
Ellie Rosser
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband developed testicular cancer-which was terrifying and emotionally distressing to him as well as socially awkward since he wasn't comfortable with people discussing his testicles. We begged his parents not to tell his intellectually altered sister about it because she would obsess about it and broadcast it. Butt they did the whole guilt trip about how she shouldn't be excluded from the family like that and that she loved her brother and would keep his confidence if asked and yadda yadda and told her anyway. She then stood up in church in the middle of the sermon and announced to the whole congregation that her brother's testicles were wrong. Yeah, thanks PIL's, he really needed that.

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Akif Akif
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2 years ago

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CatGirl
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The wedding aside, I'm horrified by the parents - this is just the first step in a lifelong process of making THEIR child another person's problem. It must suck to have a disabled child, but you cannot EVER assume that your other children will step into the role of parent.

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jtrisn1
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The parents are the disgusting one here. They sound like they're one step away from pressuring OP share her husband with Anna romantically and sexually.

angelanagel avatar
Yoga Kitty
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That is what I thought, too. "Your sister cannot have her own husband, wedding day, romance, physical intimacy - so let her share yours!" This is really bad. I am also quite sure that the parents definitely plan on dumping poor Anna on her sister's family when they themselves get too old. They will try to guilt trip her into "doing the right thing". This is not okay for any of their daughters. Anna deserves competent and professional help and support, she does not understand that it is wrong but she simply cannot just "claim" people as her comfort person! And the bride and her husband deserve to live their life as they want and not drag Anna along as the third wheel to their bicycle. Who could even predict what might happen if they decide to have a baby? So if the parents ask them to "no longer visit", well, maybe that is in fact what they should do for some time....

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Katy McMouse
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The bit about the sister experiencing momentous life events through her sister makes no sense to me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if the sister doesn't grasp basic rules of engagement and is, through no fault of her own, incapable of appreciating those life events, how is it that her parents think she's missing out on these experiences? I think the parents are mourning this loss for one child, while completely negating the other sibling's life experiences.

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Big Blue Cat
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree, it sounds more like parents are mourning that the disabled daughter won't have the usual milestones in life and it's totally unfair to expect op to compensate it on her special days. Not to mention how her fiancee feels. I feel for siblings of disabled. They are left out their whole life because disabled sibling gets all the care and attention simply because they take up every moment of parents' time. I know they usually try (e.g. arrange regular alone time with one parent etc.) but it's still totally different family dynamic. I don't blame anyone, it' just circumstance families have to cope with. These siblings are so amazing though and parents should remember that their other kids don't owe them or the disabled sibling their whole life, they can't punish kids for being born without disability. (Just as they can't blame the disabled kid for being born disabled)

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Susie Elle
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What a pickle :/ I personally see multiple problems. For one, even for someone who's special needs like Anna in this story, it's not okay to just claim another person as a comfort person if that person has no professional background to fulfill that need. I understand how little influence the parents possibly have on this, but how is Michael supposed to feel about this? Even a special needs person can't just go around hugging and kissing someone when they feel the need to. They're letting their daughter harrass him. Second, the parents seem to make the 'issue' of their special needs daughter the obligation of their other daughter, in the sense that because Anne will never have or experience something, everything else must make place. You can't make one persons problem another persons responsibility, not even with a special needs child, and ESPECIALLY if the person made responsible is ALSO a child. Third, the parents are emotionally blackmailing OP. All is not okay.

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Sa Ruuu
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I can completely relate to Michael in this situation. All throughout middle school and high school, there was a blind, disabled student who would always find certain girls, myself included, during his breaks and hug them or sit in their lap and lay his head on their breasts. No teacher, not his parents, absolutely no one told him that was inappropriate behavior to do. Everyone let him get away with it because he was disabled which made his behavior "harmless". But every girl he did that to, all said how much it made them uncomfortable but the whole situation made them feel bad and that they couldn't speak up. In high school, I had two friends dating and during a lunch break, one of them was sitting in the others lap. One of the teachers on lunch duty came over and said no touching was allowed. But they never, never said that to that guy who would always come over and sit in a girls lap and lay his head on their breasts.

edwardwillis909 avatar
Edward Willis
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is horrible how schools often excuse all of a disabled person's behaviour. You can't do that. Some of it, absolutely, but to levels like you've described, the sad question has to be asked of "is this child capable of dealing with a normal school?" My wife had an autistic classmate who now can't really cope with the world as they feel entitled to get everything their way because that's how it was in school. Had they been taught otherwise, they would be struggling, but they could likely cope more. As with neurotypical parenting, you cannot always say yes if you want someone to learn how to manage in the world outside home.

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daphnewilliams avatar
BoopBoop
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It kind of sounds like the parents have prioritized the needs of their disabled daughter over their other daughters during their kid's whole lives, and they're still doing it now. I'm not judging them, it must be so hard to be in that situation, but it's definitely not the bride or grooms fault for not wanting the sister there.

sassyandclassy avatar
classbag
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I mean, the bride offered to pay for someone to be with Anna at the wedding to distract her and help keep her away from Michael, as well as multiple other reasonable solutions, and the parents refused. My sympathy for them kind of runs outs at that point. It seems like what they really want is for OP to submit to catering to Anna completely in preparation for becoming her carer. The prospect of OP giving that responsibility to others, even professionals, is unacceptable to them. I don't think it's okay for the parents to do that.

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redling avatar
HorrorEyeArcade
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

i have autism, and i understand. it seems a bit unfair at first, but honestly, if someone can't respect boundaries, no matter the reason, you're allowed to keep them out of parts of your life that require a respect of boundaries

icanhazpanda avatar
Raven DeathShade
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have a question that you can disregard if it seems too rude or out of line. I knew a girl once who had autism, and she used it as an excuse to be the worst human being I've ever encountered, bullying me and all my friends until I kicked her out of my life and all places where she could ever contact me. Since then, I have tried to completely shut down any mention or reference to her, save to explain why so many of my friends abruptly left our group at once. She is very persistent, but thankfully never reached out to me in favor of trying to persuade others to talk to me (these attempts died out about a month or so after the so-called "Split"). She was 14 at the time, and I was 16. Was I wrong to shut her out and ignore her completely? I feel like I should have helped her with her struggles, but since talking to her came at the expense of my mental health, I never did.

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Karis Ravenhill
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So when the sister inappropriately gains an obsession with another guy in the future, are the parents also going to say to that guy "she's allowed to molest you, her Autism gives her the right to do whatever she wants"? No. sorry. Unacceptable. While everyone has great sympathy and understanding for disabled individuals, their disability doesn't give them the leeway to make others extremely uncomfortable or to the point of physical harassment/assault (technically that's what's happening to your poor fiance every time she tries to touch or kiss him, if the gender roles were reversed this would all be EXTREMELY inappropriate and NOT allowed, just because he's a man doesn't mean he can't feel abused or traumatized from these interactions). It sounds like your parents expect everyone to move aside for their disabled daughter, which means you have automatically been pegged as her carer when your parents die. You are NOT the A-hole here, they are (not your sister).

sheila_stamey avatar
Sheila Stamey
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How selfish is it to ask that someone outt their complete comfort zone aside and submit to what would add up to sexual assault in any other person..imagine, people who are on the spectrum are out and about in the world every day. Some behave better, some worse. I have been around a great deal of these people,day by day,c they can understand boundaries or stay home. Sounds to me like the parents are spoiling her rotten which unfortunately does happen.

praga35 avatar
Remi A. Paulin
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My 23 y o son is severely autistic, non verbal and has the mind of a 4 years old. I didn't invite him to my wedding last August - I would have been stressed to death knowing he was there... He eats like an ogre, jumps and screams most of the time and when he doesn't, god only knows what he could do without constant supervision.

alinatheowl avatar
Unnamed Hooman
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I read the title and thought “oh, YTA. Definitely.” But after reading it through, I would probably do the same!

marshafredell avatar
Lovin' Life
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As the parent of an autistic child, why would these parents want to put Anna in this situation. For the most part, autistic persons do not deal with change and lots of people. For my child even a group of five can cause a meltdown. This is a structured event and would be hard for Anna to navigate through comfortably. Given just those reasons is enough for them to consider leaving Anna with a sitter. It seems likely that she isn't going to understand what is going on anyway. Expecting her to go or be allowed is selfish on the parents part as well knowing the outcome will most likely be an unnecessary or preventable breakdown for Anna.

stampfreak avatar
Suz66
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If Anna would be super distracting during the ceremony and the parents can't or won't contain her, then she should probably not come. The parents having a hissy fit is wrong. If they don't have a way to have someone else supervise her, that's concerning. I can't believe they've never needed someone to watch her before! It's quite another thing to put the future lifetime care of Anna on the sister's shoulders. This is really disturbing! It's unfair of them to demand this from her other daughter! My sister has a son who is lower functioning on the spectrum. He's invited to family events but if he gets disruptive she or her husband will bring him outside out of earshot. They've created a trust for him and when they are gone his care is already planned. They don't want to put that responsibility upon their other son. These parents are awful! It seems like they're blaming the groom but the bride has clearly made up her mind.

hunnreich avatar
T.Milly
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm with the bride to be on this one. It sounds like social situations cause or aggravate unnecessary anxiety in her autistic sister. This is one day in the lives of these folks & this day is not about focusing on the autistic sister.

jakeleehutch avatar
King Joffrey
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This post inadvertently touches upon a subject of sexual needs of disabled people and this is not discussed nowhere near enough.

anvime avatar
Burs
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There aren’t sexual needs. Sex is not a need for humans at all. A person is never entitled to sex no matter how much they want it.

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Steph Harrison
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

One of my biggest sources of stress for planning my wedding for next year was whether to invite my biological mother. The issue isn't just that she has a severe learning disability but that my biological father's side of the family, who I want no contact with, could use it as a chance to try and turn up. My parents had invited her before we had made a decision on it, but her actions since have officially uninvited her. I feel bad that she won't be involved in it, but it is a huge relief not having to worry about the potential drama if she was.

emmagee avatar
Emma Gee
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You're allowed to be "selfish" for atleast one damn day in your life. Lol. You're allowed to have as perfect of a day as possible n if that means a person or two has to be left off the guest list in order for YOU n YOUR PARTNER to enjoy YOUR DAY... then that's what you do n you don't need to feel bad, explain yourself or even stress about it in general. My mother is also a... uhhh... difficult person to say the least. She is very toxic, selfish n she honestly has never really been a mother to me.. beyond her giving birth to me.. she has failed in ever single way possible. I have tried so many times to make our relationship work.. but it has never made a difference. So When my husband n I got married I made the difficult choice to leave her out of everything despite the rest of my family being mad about it.. but it was the best decision I made. My wedding was as perfect as it could have been. No drama. No stress. No babysitting my intoxicated mother...We were able to enjoy OUR DAY the..

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amykinsk avatar
Amy Chambliss-Keith
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Me ex had an adult cousin who behaved similar to this. She attached herself to a person at social gatherings. Some people were comfortable with it, others were not. I happened to be comfortable with it. However, her wonderful Mom and Dad handled the situation the same way every time. They had her step away, talked to her about why she could not behave this way and then distracted her with an activity, (which they always brought a bag full of). They started this when? When she was a child, of course! These parents obviously feel the bride OWES her sister. Not only do they expect her to accept this behavior, but her husband to be as well! They also assumed she will take her sister in after they are gone! The bride deserves HER day. Her sister does not need to be there. The parents should be.

amykinsk avatar
Amy Chambliss-Keith
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Almost forgot... The sister will not feel slighted if the parents don't make her feel that way..

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michaeldill_1 avatar
michael dill
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

as a person who lives with five other disabled people i understand

marcoconti avatar
Marco Conti
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To me the clincher was the offer to pay for a trained person to take care of the sister. That seems eminently fair to me. It's at that point that I stopped empathizing with the parents. I cannot know many of the specifics, but I would think that with professional help and some well planned logistics, the wedding attendees could be spared a scene. I am also concerned about the disabled sister and the parent's attitude outside of the wedding, for they don't seem well equipped to handle her. I understand the drive to normalize the sister's life and have her participate in family functions, but if she were quadriplegic, surely they would make sure the venue was well equipped for her disability and they wouldn’t force the bride and groom to be on wheelchairs to "normalize" things. Still, I'd want to hear from the parents to form a definite opinion, but so far they seem to be in the wrong.

vernon_bear avatar
Gavin Johnson
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Compromise? A wedding day without her sister and then a celebration day the day after with the whole family there? Both sides are in a difficult position but it’s their wedding day, so they get to choose how it is organised.

mandygora03 avatar
BorPand8
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Doesn't take care of the 'sexually harassing my fiancé' problem though.

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luxmontgomery avatar
Lucretia Montgomery
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA I have long standing depression episodes and on a good day I dressed up, put on a skirt and went shopping with my Mom, it was one of those rare days I was feeling good about myself. Some young autistic boy put his hands all the way up my skirt because his father that was meant to keep an eye on him wasn't doing his job, I don't wear skirts any more because of this incident. It doesn't matter what the reasons are why someone is molesting another person, it simply should not be permitted, point blank. Nobody has a waiver to put their hands on another person at any time, let alone their wedding day.

icanhazpanda avatar
Raven DeathShade
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The parents...I can't see their point of view on this. They're trying to force Anna's sister, someone Anna surely loves, to invite Anna to something she cannot physically cope with? Social discomfort is terrible, and would surely be aggravated by something as major as a wedding. And as for the sexual harassment of Michael, I think she's just like a little kid. She doesn't understand what she's doing wrong, but if she cannot be taught to know, then she should not be allowed to interact with that person, for their own safety.

satu-portimojarvi avatar
Big Blue Cat
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Good point. One day she might cling to a person who will take advantage of her the minute the parents aren't watching.

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Shinomi Chan
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'd assume that the wedding and the reception full of unknown people would not be good for Anna. Any loud noises, or so could trigger her, not to mention strangers all around her. I do think the Bride is in her right to not include her, as she said that Anna could not understand why she can not try to hug or kiss Michael whenever she wants. The parents are being completely unreasonable here, and if they're seriously trying to give their other daughter ultimatums... Well that screams toxic to me. Good riddance. I do feel sorry for both sisters though.

emory_ce avatar
Carol Emory
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a parent of an autistic man (he's 31) I completely understand your viewpoint. My husband and I are trying to train our son to be independent as much as possible. We know there is the possibility that he will live in a home or with an assistant for the rest of his life because of his issues. I would never just expect anyone to set aside their life to take care of him. As far as the wedding goes, I agree with Terilee that a smaller ceremony for the sister at your parents house might be the key to getting your sister to understand what it means and why Michael is unavailable to her.

pmnovack avatar
Kanga9ine
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Back to the two brothers...the daily went on a camping trip and the kid with autism had great difficulty with the change in environment, sensory issues, not having his "peeps", the people toys he played with every morning at school when I was working with him. So the trip was cut short. And my heart broke when he started to cry, saying he just wished he could have a normal brother. The parents of this bride are wrong to pull this crap on their daughter. More harm is done by parents who make excuses and doing everything for the kid who's wiring is a little different than theirs. The inappropriate displays of affection need redirecting. The girl may think it's ok to hug and kiss because that's what her sister goes when she loved someone. There is a total lack of understanding of listening happening here.

katieabdallah avatar
Blue Cicada
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

For OP and other people in a similar situation, have an honest and blunt conversation with your parents. Mom/Dad, you are NOT properly caring for this vulnerable young adult. If you are not teaching her boundaries, about what she cannot do to other people, how the hell is she going to know when people are being inappropriate with her? With special needs, she is at a _VERY_ high risk of being a victim of assault. If she has the cognitive abilities of a two year old or higher, she can easily learn about appropriate interactions, although she might need to be reminded weekly, or even daily. But she can learn. If she had boundaries, she could easily be involved in and attend the wedding, with a highly trained attendant and a prearranged quiet place/alternative activities to retreat to for her own comfort or the comfort of the guests.

pmnovack avatar
Kanga9ine
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I worked with a little boy with autism who had a brother a few years older. Having a child with special needs is probably the hardest personal challenge

katie-trondsen avatar
KT
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

WTF, im shocked you let this go on as long as it has. EVen if she's autistic it is NOT okay for her to sexually harass your fiance, ever. There needs to be boundries set, and the parents are just being lazy because its easier. Expecting your soon to be husband to just deal with being touched and harassed constantly is NOT okay

deborahbrett avatar
Deborah B
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. Very difficult situation for all involved, but the parents need a reality check. Michael is not a comfort object or a therapy animal. He's a person. It's not okay for Anna to touch him and kiss him. Just like it wouldn't be okay if the genders were reversed.

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Elmie Pumpkinbush
Community Member
2 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

vkennedy avatar
V Kennedy
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

not only are the parents totally wrong, the BIGGER picture is the future - they are living with their heads in the sand. They NEVER should be the only caregivers for their daughter - she should be learning skills - probably in a group home for adults AND they need to prepare this girls life for when they ARE GONE. Totally NOT fair to assume your other daughter will put HER life aside and take care of a special needs family member forever. There needs rho be a SERIOUS sit down with all involved. And NO - she should NOT come to the wedding - too much stimulation - not to mention the touching.

yoelshapiro avatar
Yoel Shapiro
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sounds like your family has a heavy burden to carry. Well done to your parents for how they support your sister, although they do sound a bit closed minded about alternatives. It is also their duty to care for you and support you in becoming your own persona; I sympathize with their fears for your sister, but you should be free to decide how much of it to take on yourself, if any at all. Sounds like you're strong enough to draw these boundaries at this stage in your life, and it's sad to hear how difficult it is going.

kathmorgan avatar
kath morgan
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It sounds fair enough for me; If Sister can’t cope with the wedding environment, maybe it’s not for her. She might not be held accountable for her actions but they do impact people. It also sounds like it might be a good idea for her to have a break from Michael and be encouraged to make more appropriate friends.

isobellagourlay avatar
teal&pink
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hmm, I'm on both ends here. She is NTA but neither is Anna, I have friends with autism, and I'm autistic myself, so I understand having no self-control, especially with lower functioning people. Her parents however are very much the a-hole as they are all or nothing, and that's super unfair.

elanorrosser avatar
Ellie Rosser
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And the OP absolutely does not say or think that Anna is TA. It is her parents whoa re being assholes- saying put up with this or we won't interact with you.

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cecilyholland167 avatar
Cecily Holland
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My female colleague was sexually groped and harassed by a male patient who’s parents are just like poor Anna’s. They were shocked and launched into a tirade that sounded almost identical to the one above. In my job I come across a lot of young adults on the higher end of the spectrum. 99% of them have wonderful parents like Terilee Bruyere. But now and again we get parents like Anna’s. The police were called and the parents given a stern talking to about how this behaviour could land their son in residential care full time if they didn’t take the steps to teach him boundaries

christysmith_1 avatar
Christy Smith
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is the bride & grooms day, they shouldn't have to deal w/the sister ruining the whole wedding by her having fits for not getting her way & because she wouldn't be allowed to stand, glued to the groom. The fact remains that the sister has most likely ruined MANY events throughout her lifetime & the bride has most likely kind of been shove to the side when it comes to her parents. This is her & her groom's day, the sister has ruined enough things over the year, she shouldn't come. It's not like she'll really know the difference if it's not mentioned.

bcgrote avatar
Brandy Grote
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Bravo on her for setting healthy boundaries. Parents need to plan for Anna's future, because it will not and should not be with a sibling who has their own life. If they cannot modify or manage her behavior, they need to rethink who is best to help Anna.

linettedavis avatar
Linette Davis
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You aren't wrong your parents are for trying to talk you into inviting your sister.In the future set some boundaries and keep her away from your husband AT ALL TIMES.You have a right to have your wedding day in peace and if no one likes that tell them not to come also.

abigailwilliams_2 avatar
Call Me Mars
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm autistic, and I can see why she would not want her sister at the wedding. Anna not being able to comprehend boundaries or understand that Micheal is her sister's soon-to-be husband must make the sister and Michael both uncomfy. The parents however don't seem to understand this and that's sad. Yes, I understand advocating for your child who has a disability, but not going to the wedding at all will break the hearts of both of them for a long time. They can't recreate the wedding.

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Nannychachi
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Every day cannot revolve around your sister! I know she can't comprehend that so it's up to your parents to find someone to stay with her during the wedding. The behavior is inappropriate to say the least and should not be tolerated at all and certainly not at your wedding of all places. I had a brother with learning disabilities and he said inappropriate things from time to time and was always corrected and redirected.

tami_6 avatar
Tami
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. It's the bride and groom's special day, and it sounds like the sister would neither enjoy nor appreciate the event. She'd probably have a meltdown having to watch her comfort person from a distance during the ceremony and reception.

frostirin avatar
lightbulb
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA, that's such a horrible situation. If the genders were reversed everyone would be crying sexual harassment. I can only imagine how Michael feels in that situation.

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Lldhhdh Hdhdhfhfhhf
Community Member
2 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

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Monique Rosewood
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Firstly, if someone is that socially awkward, a place like a wedding full of people would just be bad for her. Secondly, they are essentially saying it's okay for their daughter to sexually harass someone and the other people just have to deal with it (gross). Third, why is Michael her only comfort person? Shouldn't her parents, sibling or therapist be someone that she more heavily clings to for that?

clairecassady avatar
Chonky
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sounds like her whole life til now has been about her sister. Understandable that she might have been the focus, but that's really hard on the "normal" sibling. She want's a life of her own and that starts with her wedding day. It is immature and unreasonable of the parents to expect her to always be there for Anna or to share her groom. She is their responsibility, not the sisters. They burdened the world with her, they need to take care of her. I am autistic by the way, I am blessed with being high functioning. Anna sounds like she has been indulged by her parents and not taught any boundaries ever. That's on them. Autistic people, even ones with learning disabilities can learn or be distracted from unpleasant behaviours. No excuse to let her molest the guy. Anna is likely to have a meltdown if she goes anyway and it won't be pleasant for her, so should pop into respite for the day and the parents should entirely focus on the bride for once in her life.

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sharon criscenti
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am so sorry for all of you.No one is going to be happy with the outcome.As I see it your parents have never gotten or refused to accept the help that has probably been available to them through services for children on the special needs spectrum. It would be hard to believe that the school system, social services, medical services etc. have not been working with your sister since she was about 4 years old at the latest and have not taught your parents and you multiple techniques for calming and directing Anna's behavior. It is not in her best interest to not be spending time all her life working with trained teacher/carers in the home as well as a special classroom a few times a week to prepare her for times when she will have to be adjusting to new people and environments. Your parents should have been getting occasional times off for a weekend when they were able to be alone and she will be preparing for living in a group home when they are no longer able to care for her.

pmnovack avatar
Kanga9ine
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And I'll try one last time. The parents should consider the danger their daughter is facing if her touching and affectionate hugs shift to someone who may not think twice about taking advantage of someone who expresses a physical interest in him. She really needs to be taught some boundaries that she must learn. Autism does not mean unreachable. It means finding a way to stop the blame, the guilt and the grieving. Let them have their victories and their failures. This applies to B all kids let them. There will come a day when all kids must face the world without mom or dad. The biggest gift one can ever give a child, is knowledge and the ability to make it on their own. That is what gives us power over our own lives.Gives us a sense of purpose and belonging in this world. L

beth_landers avatar
Beth L
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Parents who don't help their atypical kids understand other people's needs do everyone a disservice. Yes, Anna has a right to 'be Anna' but also Anna has a right to understand why Michael doesn't like it when Anna mimics how her sister behaves towards him. If they've never helped her understand things like consent and the difference between friendship and romance, they've prevented her from developing into her adult self. I'm sure her sister's wedding isn't the only thing Anna hasn't been invited to.

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Celtic Pirate Queen
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I like the comment above about the genders being reversed. There's no way in hell someone would accept a male with autism sexually harassing his soon to be sister in law. The parents are the assh*les in this case. Being the sibling of a disabled person (I'm not , but a dear friend is) can be exhausting. And their needs ALWAYS come before your own. You are always expected to be "understanding". This sister is - she understands that Anna has no control or boundaries and she doesn't want to deal with that kind of BS on her wedding day. The parents are being extremely unreasonable & selfish. IMO I think she'd be much happier if they didn't attend either. And she needs to have another talk about Anna's care once they're gone to let them know she is completely serious about not being Anna's caregiver.

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Bhadrika Love
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The parents saying it's normal for a woman her age and that she doesn't understand what her feelings mean.... very troubling. They act like she's just like an intrusive child but then show they recognize how sexualized the behavior is. Best case scenario is Anna getting in trouble for inappropriate touching - but worse, she'll also be at extreme risk of being assaulted, given no effort to teach her any sense of boundaries. And that they refuse to consider involving a trained professional to help redirect her behavior? And view that as pawning her off in someone, rather than actually getting expert assistance to help her have the best life she can? Ugh.

amberkitten131 avatar
Bonnie Edwards
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My little brother is on the spectrum. Non-verbal, obsessive-compulsive, no concept of how strong he is, and has no personal boundaries. He came to my wedding, and my sisters wedding, but was in the care of 2 full-time carers (off to one side) the whole time because he does not sit down. Bane of photographers everywhere. When my sister and I started bringing teen-aged friends home, we had to teach him that it wasn't appropriate to paw them all over. For years, our friends wouldn't visit more than once because of our brothers behaviour. I appreciate that not all people can be taught appropriate behaviour (just look at all the able-minded people in jails) - but it's up to parents family, friends and carers to be understanding and united in their guidance and expectations of behaviour.

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Raven DeathShade
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I had a friend who is autistic. His name is Ryan. I think he's around 18 or 19 now. He was so sweet and kind to everyone, even when he was bullied by a younger sister. I hope he's doing well, I haven't seen him in two years. He deserves everything good in life. Such a nice person.

emmagee avatar
Emma Gee
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

After reading these downvoted comments... I'm 100% convinced that those who wrote them read a completely different article than the rest of us.... because none of you make any sense.

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Eglė Bukauskaitė
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

People who responded are delusional. YTA!!! 1000% She's not a pet of her parent's it's her closest family. She treats her family like that - Welp Michael has spoilers how she would treat him

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alloutbikes@yahoo.com
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So since a male will not experience giving birth, he can sit in on some random women's labor. Females don't pee standing up... well you get where I'm going with this.

katiesheets avatar
Katie Sheets
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

At first I thought wow bride is selfish but after reading I don't blame her. It's not even just about the fiance it's about the bride. She just wants one day as hers and it sounds like she has never gotten that. And it's true that one stressful comment on a stressful day towards the autistic sister could turn things bad quickly and then the day is ruined. It's one day mom and dad. Let the bride and groom have that.

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LSR
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Millenials, the rectal cancer of the 21st century..."oh I cannot decide something for myself and I need a lot of asswipes to validate my actions..."

pmnovack avatar
Kanga9ine
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dang. I keep hitting send. All I wanted to say was learning how to listen also opens the door to get kids to listen to you. I can't tell you how many times I got bonked on the forehead, mistaken for an iPad. Or the Human Pez Dispenser or gummy bear gold mine in my quest to have bathroom visits before the actual act takes place. The parents are doing their

pmnovack avatar
Kanga9ine
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've been thinking about this post and looking back at some of the kids I've worked with. They taught me a lot about how it was imperative I learn to listen in a

zeljkoklaric78_1 avatar
Bernd Herbert
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I always feel a bit sorry for those people who claim a party is their most important days of their live…

marneederider40 avatar
Marnie
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The parents sound like the modern sentimental fools who had to convince themselves to love their autistic daughter as if she were not autistic to the point of no longer even recognizing her disabilities, to the detriment of everyone else. Sentimentality is not a positive trait. In their heart of hearts, they probably would prefer to leave the autistic daughter home. Sad to say that they are likely doing the wrong thing for the autistic daughter as well.

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Lady of the Mountains
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

maybe have a small reception with the sister and then the bigger one with the rest of the guest list? the fiance doesn't need to be harassed, but the sister deserves to celebrate.

smckinney73 avatar
Shelley McKinney
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What everyone else has basically said but I'm also concerned that they don't seem to have made actual plans for Anna once they are gone. It seems that they have assumed that the sister would take care of her and that is not her responsibility and nor should it be. It seems like some family counselling/discussions need to be happening.

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Iapetos
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. Seems like your parents really don't understand where you're coming from.

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Shane S
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Parents should’ve taken responsibility for keeping the sister under control. It’s their child. Since they refused that’s on them.

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Kevin Warner
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Its HER day! WHY so MANY want to Ruin other peoples' birthdays I will NEVER UNDERSTAND! This isn't about hating a sister, or a handicapped individual. Not specifics mentioned about the sister but if she is (basically) attempting to engage in ANY level of sexual activity then the parents have failed HORRIBLY in THEIR RESPONSIBILITY to raise the daughter correctly! Frankly, some men can't deal with a female trying to engage in sex the proper way (in cases such as this), which at the moment is neither here nor there, BUT someone trying to get married is supposed to allow THIS during the ceremony?!!! Seems mom and dad are Munchausen by Proxy addicted! I think THEY want sympathy doted onto THEMSELVES and fantasize what a hit they'll get when sister RUINS the Wedding Ceremony!!!

rusty_4 avatar
Susan Stead
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband and I eloped for family behavior reasons. It was too much dealing with all of them, and they didn't even have legitimate issues, such as autism--they were just a-holes who had a beef with each other and couldn't set it aside for one d@mn day. If I were to give this bride one piece of advice, it would be to save the money on a wedding and use it for a nice honeymoon after nuptials at the courthouse. If anybody squawks, tell them to go pound sand. Whenever a member of my family got snarky with me for eloping, I told them straight their face that we eloped because we didn't want to spend thousands of dollars to put up with their shinola when we could do it for free at Thanksgiving.

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Nadine
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The bride and groom deserved to have the wedding they want. And the life they together choose. I wish there was an update. She's your sister, not your child and you aren't responsible for her.

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Esperanza Escalante-Amador
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just wondering if there were conversations about this leading up to the invitations being sent out. I think that would have been a more than appropriate conversation to have prior to sending them out and addressing it after the fact. Now, could there be a compromise? I think so. The bride clearly wants nothing to do with caring for her sister in the event that her parents cannot. That is completely her decision, and despite anyone’s opinions (whether you agree or not) it’s not up to anyone else. She has her reasons and honestly the way she spelled them out it was centered around her husband and her future children. When ppl are getting married and starting out, they tend to only think of the other spouses needs and wants and the if’s. I don’t think she was being honest. It’s more respectable to say the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable for others to hear. And now she’s making it seem as if her husband has an issue.

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Marian Moore
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Short and sweet... The bride's sister , because of the circumstances, should not be allowed to come to the wedding. She is the parents responsibilty and not the sister's. Why should the groom be made to feel uncomfortable at anytime when the autistic sister is around. It should have been stopped as soon as it started. He should feel comfortable on his wedding day. So the parents can stay home and live to regret it down the line. The bride is not nor should be responsible for her sister. She needs to have guidance from professionals that can help her. Her parents can't separate themselves from her as they should. I just bet the older sister was ignored all her life because her sister is disabled.She should not feel like she needs to share her husband to be with anyone let alone her sister. The parents are very selfish. If I were her I would go about my life with the new husband and not involve themselves in this lopsided life her parents have created. Let them straighten it out.

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buttonpusher
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've a son who is autistic and I'd be heartbroken and furious in this situation, but that's the defensive parent in me coming out. Hell yeah it's difficult with his quirks, meltdowns and stuff but there is always a way around, or so I like to think. I do feel for the bride though. It's a tough situation and if her sister isn't able to handle the day then I think a smaller ceremony is better. It's hard to know what to do.

katiesheets avatar
Katie Sheets
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't agree. I think you're being biased. The bride should not HAVE to figure out a way around it on HER day. Her one day while every other day she has to watch her sister grope her fiance. The bride has every right to be selfish for one day in her entire life. As many said before me..if autistic sister were a man doing these things, it wouldn't go over well at all and frankly I'm squirmy just thinking about parents allowing that behavior not to mention how poor fiance feels

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willi santiago
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The sister is committing a crime. Would you bring someone who's going to punch or stab people to a gathering? Someone who's going to steal thing or throw furniture. They doing both sisters a disservice, one, by ruining her wedding and the other by allowing her to sexually assault people. Someday she'll be in a group home, but she can't because of her behavior. She'll wind up in some hospital drugged up. Imagine if it were a male forcing kisses and inappropriately touching a female? He'd be charged, disability or not

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Artoonist Corine
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA - I see both sides to this one. The parents want Anna to be a part of the family and she should be. OP wants her day to be her day - and it should be. My solution would be have parent and Anna there for the ceremony and then they split - with Anna (since they won't let anyone else care for her.) It sounds like the parents and bride need to go to family counselling. I feel like the bride has a lot of pent up emotions that are due to how tough it is being in a family with a disabled person. She said herself she was tired of putting her life aside (and had until she was 18). I feel for this family - there will be hurt feelings no matter what happens.

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ChickyChicky
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But an unfamiliar situation and crowd might actually be really stressful for Anna. It might not be in her best interest to be there either.

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Mazer
Community Member
2 years ago

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I wonder if there was a way to make it work, getting a couple of proper caretakers to redirect Anna while everyone is at the wedding. Seems there is a workaround here

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Alex Boyd
Community Member
2 years ago

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Yeah, this is a tough one! It's not at all unreasonable for the LW to want to be the center of attention at her own wedding...let alone her fiancé not wanting to be sexually harassed at his own wedding. Unfortunately, however, since it takes an entire essay to establish why the LW is not a complete "bench" for excluding her disabled sister, she's going to come across as precisely that to everyone who doesn't have the patience or attention span to take in the whole essay. I don't see a good solution here. The ideal would be if the LW could come up with some accommodation that would make it reasonable for her sister to be included in at least a portion of the event, with somebody standing by to take her home early--but it does not sound like the parents are at all interested in working with the LW on any compromise that does not put Sister's needs ahead of those of the wedding couple.

luxmontgomery avatar
Lucretia Montgomery
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It really isn't though, nobody except the bride should be molesting the groom. It doesn't matter whether they're autistic, a relapsed drug addict, a nymphomaniac or any other mentally unorthodox condition leading to this happening. No means no.

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All's Gravy
Community Member
2 years ago

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Are we sure "Michael" hasn't doone anything to Anna to encourage her physical behaviour towards him and is now just reciprocating - because she's confused and doesn't know any better, and this behaviour hasn't been effectively discouraged? Is Michael as innocent as he's being portrayed? Country America they have all sorts of crazy "family" set ups. Hell, they voted Trump in those places! 😂

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Francesca Littman
Community Member
2 years ago

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What about having an attendant for your sister? Perhaps a family member or close friend? Also, I have used iPhone games to distract my brother in public when he gets worked up (make sure to keep the device on silent).

elanorrosser avatar
Ellie Rosser
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And how will the attendant physically prevent Anna touching the groom when she wants to without creating a huge amount of fuss and disturbance during a wedding?

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Dorothy Parker
Community Member
2 years ago

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YTA. I'd like to have quotes or details from Michael. I wonder his perspective on his fiancee's need to have the perfect wedding at the cost of compassion. I hope her parents make future plans for the care of the sister with autism, since the OP has made it clear she won't provide anything for her sister beyond money. I also hope any children they may have are perfect. I would include the sister and arrange for someone she knows and likes to be with her as a paid companion, even arranging for a small room or RV with things she loves to be available in case of a melt down. But exclude her? It sounds like the OP has excluded her and resented her too much.

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Patti Vance
Community Member
2 years ago

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i am on the fence with this issue. i have an autistic grandson that i have raised. he was a participant in a wedding as well. true, his tux was askew by the time the reception was over but all in all his behavior was okay. the in laws were aware of his autism as well. the part i find deplorable is the attitude of the bride in regards of what would happen if the parents were gone. fine, don't have her at the wedding but to feel as if she has had enough of her sister for the rest of her life is horrible. sounds like a woman-child who is still smarting from the fact that her sister took up too much of her parents' time and still feels left out. guess no one tried to explain to her that her sister needed more attention as well as allowing her to express that resentment at times. it's normal to feel resentful at times due to the time/energy it takes. but, never to the point of wanting to leave them out of a life.

alexboyd avatar
Alex Boyd
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Patti, as the saying goes, if you've met one person with autism...you've met one person with autism. The fact that your grandson was able to attend a wedding and behave acceptably doesn't really shed any light on whether or not the LW's sister can do the same.

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Francesca Littman
Community Member
2 years ago

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Also, perhaps have your sister carry a heavy bouquet. If she is holding that it will take her a few extra seconds to try to hug someone inappropriately, giving an attendant time to stop her. Also have a designated place outside the hall where she can chill and take a break if needed. More importantly, make sure some besides you or your parents is designated to care for sister so everyone in the wedding party can enjoy the day.

elanorrosser avatar
Ellie Rosser
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Carry it ALL day? And during dinner? And after into dancing/partying? Yeah that's not going to work. Also, she will just drop it to touch him since she doesn't see anything socially wrong with doing exactly what she wants.

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Mewton’s Third Paw
Community Member
2 years ago

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NTA but definitely too young to get married, adult or not. Statistical disaster. Just a bad, bad idea.

edenblack avatar
GaeFrog
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How do you know the age of the author? The only this I remember it mentioning about age is when it said "I put up with it till I was 18" that could mean a week ago or that could mean 10 years ago. And even if she is young she certainly seems mature enough to get married and determine when she wants to.

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Jason Doakes
Community Member
2 years ago

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It's pretty clear, that the sister is just a nuisance to her, and she obviously doesn't care about her. When you have disabled realtives, your life is different, deal with it, or GTFO

henryhagens avatar
Henry Hagens
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Of course OP is dealing with it, and I would say quite civilly. Dealing with it is not sucking it up and pretending something doesn't exist, it is trying to find something that works and solving problems

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