Divorce is hard on everyone. Especially the kids.
Reddit user Honest-Wish7885 is a mom-of-four who thought she had it all and enjoyed a happy family life until her husband cheated on her with another woman. Long story short, the marriage ended, and the ex-husband’s infidelity resulted in him having a baby through the affair. The other woman ended up passing away and the man became a single parent to the toddler, plus he regularly meets his other kids.
As you can tell, it’s a very complex situation. And it didn’t take long for it to become even more complicated.
As his ex-wife dropped off their kids, the 3-year-old girl that was conceived through the affair started calling her “Mommy.” It’s heartbreaking, for sure, and the little one is completely innocent, but the woman does not feel comfortable with it and, to the man’s disappointment, refuses to adopt this role.
Wondering about the right course of action, she made a post on the “Am I the A***ole?” subreddit, describing everything in detail and asking people if she’s in the wrong.
Image credits: 138843 (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Josh Applegate (not the actual photo)
Those who want a marriage also want it to last, but the scary U.S. statistic tells us that nearly 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce.
Emotional detachment is often harder to grasp and far less defined than the physical one. There aren’t any exact formulas to calculate how long two people who have been co-dependent for so long might need to come to terms with their new predicament.
“One way that I advise clients to learn to separate themselves from seeking approval, looking for validation, or remaining emotionally connected to a spouse is by learning to declare, not ask,” mom, coach, and certified divorce specialist (TM) (CDS) Michelle Dempsey-Multack, MS, CDS, explained. “An example of this would be keeping your soon-to-be-ex on a need-to-know basis, and saying things like, “I am going to start looking at new apartments,” instead of asking, “Can I start looking for new apartments?”
This basically sets the boundary that says, “I am gaining my independence now, and you don’t have access to all parts of my life anymore.” The sooner people are able to cut ties emotionally, the cleaner their divorce process generally is. So it sounds like the author of this post has managed to do so.
And when it comes to Juniper… Can you really blame the woman? As difficult as it is, she is not her responsibility. “An affair is difficult enough to survive with the wisest of choices. But if a couple must deal with the child of an affair, it often seems as if nothing they do will result in a triumph,” said psychologist and author Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D., best known for the book His Needs, Her Needs: Building a Marriage That Lasts. “
If she pretends to be the child’s mom, she is forever burdened with a constant reminder of the worst experience of her life. But if she refuses, the woman can walk away with a lot of guilt.
The first safety instruction for an airplane emergency is to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help others. This woman seems to be taking care of herself and her own kids first, and I don’t think we can judge her for it.
People think the woman has every right to refuse to play the little girl’s mom
I think that's exactly what the brass-balls is hoping for.
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Poor little tyke... that being said absolutely NTA. This guy has some big brass balls asking this of his ex wife. I wonder if there is a program the ex-husband can get his daughter involved in that will help provide her with a strong female role model. Something akin to the big brothers/big sisters group.
So what's the plan when the father gets involved in a new relationship? Does the child have to relearn who her "mother" is after being trained to think of the OP as her mom? If this guy's thinking about the impact on the girl at all, it's extremely short sighted.
He almost snaked his way for some free babysitting so he could find the next one...lol NTA!
If he was a "great" dad, he wouldn't be filming his daughter while she's upset and crying, he'd be comforting her. What an a*****e.
OMG guilt tripping you all the way, and even using his child emotions to push it even further... he's truly f up. Honestly just thinking he's trying to force himself back into your family (together with his daughter). Once again, his mind is twisted 100%. Do not be manipulated, it is not your work to raise his daughter, he needs to be both mother and father role model to her (as many single women do). Back off and if it's not helping, cut him off. No pick up/drop offs, do not pick up calls, do not answer to messages. Children can communicate directly if they wish so, but you communicate only through lawyer (otherwise his behaviour will escalate).
I haven't considered that, but you make a good point that he might be wanting back into the family and using this poor girl to manipulate his way in. Wanting a break from parenting seems like the most obvious explanation, but yours certainly has merit! Either way, good on OP for standing her ground.
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I feel for the little girl. That being said - NO. Its definitely too much to ask of OP to take care of a child that 1) isn't hers. 2) came from an affair that I guess caused her a lot of pain. She needs to be able to let go of her ex - not another kid to take care of.
What happens when a new girlfriend steps in? Ex-wife dismissed as temp mom?
NTA. But something does need to change for Juniper's sake. Perhaps when she picks up the boys she doesn't go in the house or to the door, but stays outside where Juniper doesn't see their interaction. Adjust habits as she gets older and the boundary has been set.
A simpler solution would be for the dad to just pick up and hold Juniper while the mom is picking the boys up. She's not going to run at the ex-wife yelling "mama!" if her dad is already holding her.
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NTA, but her ex sure is. He's trying to manipulate OP into parenting his kid. Maybe even throw all responsibility at her. He's s**t father.
NTA-he has an affair baby thus ending the marriage. He left her with 3 kids and now he wants her to start taking the kid with you. Like that wouldn't confuse her even more. Once she does that, she's gonna be babysitting the kid all the time. This guy made his bed and has to deal with the consequences of that.
I divorced my ex because he couldn't keep his pants zipped. The result was a child. It didn't take long to divorce him. I had no problem with drawing the line. Thank God we had no children. A Blessing in disguise. The child was his, not mine and I wanted nothing to do with the child. It was not the child's fault, but that didn't have anything to do with me. I had no guilt feelings then and I don't now.
I would do the same in your position. Like I said below, if my partner cheated and got the other woman pregnant, let alone he would actually expect me to be a new mom or aunt to the child, I would kick his sorry ass to the curb, have nothing to do with HIS child with SOMEONE ELSE, and let the baby mama keep my now-ex.
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There's no way he isn't coaching the kid to call his ex 'mommy'. I don't believe for one moment that Juniper came up with this on her own. The ex is a master manipulator. It's too bad a tiny child has to suffer.
Agreed. This isn't coming from Juniper. That poor little child, AH ex-hubby is using Juniper to manipulate his ex-wife into feeling guilty.
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Some of y’all acting like children don’t cry when they’re told no. also I remember a story on Reddit where op took in her husbands affair child because both her and her mother were dead and neither had any family that op could find, years later this child is now grown and ask’s for a relationship with op as she raised her, op said no since she only raised her to prevent her going into the system. It was clear that op did not have any love for this kid while still providing for her. Point is, now the poor woman is aware that while op was her legal mother, she didn’t love her like one. Better the op in this story shuts this down before it escalates. Telling a kid no to prevent the kid getting confused doesn’t make op an AH
I had a similar situation. My husband cheated and had a child. I wanted nothing to do with the child and me and my ex broke up and divorced because I couldn't be a stepmother to that child. I have no ill will towards the kid but my ex tried to force him on me. Every time I see the kid, I feel the hurt that his birth caused. I never blamed him and I treat him well but there is no relationship. Me and my ex are friends now and it is a little easier to be around his son although I still feel the hurt. I dont let it show around his son though. I never wanted to take out my hurt on him as he is innocent
Can you take it to court as a requirement during handoff that he or a babysitter can disappear with the baby?
Great dad? What kind of dad that force his baby to another person? I do feel sorry for the baby girl though.
Most of us surely feel that same empathy for the poor motherless child.
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I love kids I can't have my own...I'd adopt this baby if I could but that's me...I don't blame the OP for not wanting to be a part of her life as she's a reminder of her ex's infidelity...like others mentioned the ex could easily remarry and then take her away. That would be painful to both the child and the OP...this situation just sucks really :(
NTA. I'm very sorry for the kid, but it's her POS father's responsibility to find a solution that's both good for his daughter and doesn's cross his ex-wife's boundaries. This man uses the kid to manipulate his ex to pick up his slack as a parent. He knows very well what he is doing and it's reprehensible.
NTA! It is hard enough to go through betrayal but then to be manipulated by the person who betrayed you into trying to make you feel responsible for the consequence of his choices? He's a piece of work. Deceptive, entitled, manipulative. He's the AH! Though I do feel sad for the little one. None of this is her fault. But, it's not yours either.
NTA. You never asked to be the adopted mother of someone else's baby that resulted from an affair, that undoubtedly caused you a lot of pain. Seeing the child probably brings up a lot of negative feelings and memories, which is perfectly normal. You may even resent the child, which is also a normal reaction. If your ex was really such a great father, he'd be figuring out a way to be the best father, especially as a single father, for his daughter he could be. Honestly, if my partner cheated and got another woman pregnant, let alone he has the AUDACITY to want me to be the new mother or aunt, I'd kick his sorry ass to the curb, have nothing to do with HIS child WITH SOMEONE ELSE, and let the baby mama keep my now-ex.
Baby mama's dead in this case so there's no one left to keep that hateful ex hubby.
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I feel bad for the preschooler, but it's weird that the "awesome dad's" first idea for how to solve this is for his betrayed ex to pretend she's the child's mother. Yes, it's obviously difficult for a preschooler to understand that her siblings have a mother in their lives while she does not, but that's certainly not the siblings' mother's problem to solve. Sure, it might be heartwarming and lovely if, in a situation like this, the mother of the half-siblings were able to separate her feelings about the new child from her feelings about the affair and have a warm and natural relationship with the child...but it's certainly not a baseline expectation, or even a big-but-reasonable ask: it's a miracle, an act of grace that you couldn't ask for or ever be grateful enough if you did somehow get it.
("You" meaning "the person who perpetrated the affair"--obviously no child should have to feel grateful that adults love them.) More to the point, in this particular situation, it isn't in any way a realistic option: the OP does not feel at all motherly towards this child, and if the dad were to succeed in pressuring her to force herself to try to pretend she does, it's only going to get more painful and confusing for the child as she gets older and better understands the situation. It's ultimately the dad's job to figure out how to help his daughter understand the situation and manage her feelings around it, as well as to make sure that she's getting enough affection and nurturing from him, and to work on finding other adults to include in her life who are genuinely enthusiastic about playing a nurturing role. He's 100% right that it would be good for her to have a nurturing adult other than him, and 100% wrong that he has any business whatsoever asking *his ex*, of all people, to be that person.
Load More Replies... He's the AH. Plus, what kind of father would want to send his child into a possible hostile situation? Not that his ex would be hostile, but there's an unknown in this situation. He's really all about himself and his wants. That said, I'm a sucker for little kids. I'm not sure I could stand to see her so hurt by yet another person. I might sit and play with her for a bit, reinforce that I'm an acquaintance, not her mom, for the sake of my sons. As she grows up, she'd know that I have no ill feelings toward her, because she's innocent. But I seriously doubt that I would take her home with me.
Surprised this man even managed to pull off having an affair, considering how his d**k is invisible in those big brass balls of his. Also, she wouldnt even care about the OP if not for the shitty father her ex is. I mean, he chose to cheat, now the baby is HIS problem. He wrote a check his ass cant cash and he refuses to take the blame for it. smh
This whole situation is very sad. The OP is definitely not the a-hole, but I do feel bad for the little girl. It is her father's responsibility to make sure that she feels loved and cared for. It is not his ex wife's responsibility. From what I understand, she is nice to the little girl, but tries to have boundaries with her. He wants to go around those boundaries so that he can have some time to himself. Instead of recording his daughter crying, he should have gone to her and comforted her. He needs to stop being selfish and take responsibility for his actions. When she comes to get her boys, he could take Juniper to get ice cream or something and get her out of the greeting situation. I do believe that he is 100% pushing Juniper to call his ex wife "Mama". I don't think that this little girl would do that on her own.
Now he tried it. His solution is get a 3yo for a few days. 😂 All kids do this when the siblings leave even when it's not an affair. She'll be ok. All he has to do is bring all the kids outside and take her to the store as they are leaving so she doesn't get left behind.
I do feel awful for the lil one but that shows he isn't sitting with his kid showing her, her moms picture and talking about her.
I think she's NTA... but I feel so sad for juniper.... and knowing what a total bleeding heart I am, if that happened to me, I'd probably take her
Okay, I read it through. She needs to explain to the girl that she's not her mom, she's her special friend. Help her understand she's not being outright rejected, but that she has a different place from her brothers that is different but still okay. I think that the girl could make a parallel between OP and her friends' moms if it were presented the right way.
You are not a jerk. #1. You are still hurting from what your husband did, he shouldn't have even ask you to take the little girl with you. If even though you wouldn't do it on purpose you could start resenting the little girl even more and do things without realizing it. I don't mean you would abuse her in anyway but maybe not pay any attention to her. #2. Your right you husband cause it he needs to deal with it, it sounds like he is looking for an easy fix to HIS problem. Instead of putting you in this position he should get the little girl a nanny or a babysitter then she would have a female in her life to cling.
OP is NTA. Daddy should be in therapy to learn how to deal with the issues that will arise for his baby daughter and possibly even therapy for the baby too. I don't think I'd have the heart to do what OP did. I'd just take on that role. I've seen so many kids suffering and I want to save them all. My heart breaks for the baby daughter.
This is a terrible situation for you to be in and I imagine seeing the child is a reminder of your ex-husband’s betrayal. I understand your hesitance to form a bond with her. It is also not ok for your ex to use emotional manipulation to coerce you into doing something you don’t want to do. It may be empowering to seek support to heal from this situation. As you said, it is not the child’s fault. Also, she is your children’s sibling so there is a life-long connection. Hopefully, you will be able to heal and create a connection with her on your own terms as an important person in the lives of your children (at least the younger ones who spend time with her). Wishing you all the best.
Compromise: let the little girl call you "Aunt" Whatever. That draws a clear boundary that you are not her mother. But gives her something to call you because in her mind you are someone special in her life. Because you are special to her big brothers. Don't take over parenting duties though. But always be kind to the little girl. It's not her fault she exists. And She deserves to be treated with love from her family. (Yes OP you are apart of her family whether you like it or not)
What about when he breeds with another woman - say they have three kids - and one-by-one he incorporates them into the "take them for the weekend" BS? Ha, ha, ha! Say NO now. Pick your boys up down the block or somewhere else.
God, the poor wee girl... I was confused about the story, at first, because I found it hard to imagine someone would actually try to fob off his child on his ex. That guy sounds like a real treat. Selfish, too dumb to use contraceptives and not enough love to give to his own children. What a pos.
I feel sorry for the little girl. Not her mom or dad in the slightest though. Someone who is willing to cheat on their wife is not someone who cares and neither is the woman who knew and didn't care. Poor juniper will be confused for a while but I think it will help her in the long run. It's definitely a difficult situation.
The emotional manipulation from this "man" is disgusting! He is using his child from another mother, to try to guilt this woman into submission! F*CK THAT NOISE! Stop all contact with this clown as this will only become more abusive. Explain to your kids that for your own mental health you won't talk with their father anymore but don't force-quit contact for them. Let them decide for themselves when they are old enough to understand better.
Don't get it twisted, he's absolutely teaching the girl to call you mom, at the very least he definitely isn't correcting her, just allowing the disillusionment. He's taking zero responsibility for his actions and does not feel like the bad guy, as evidenced by him blaming you for his oldest kids not speaking to him when I'm betting they made that decision on their own after being disgusted by him. He's using a 3 year old child now to manipulate, to turn the tables to make himself (and obviously the child) the injured party and you the villain.
If this family, esp the dad doesnt get some SERIOUS therapy & professional advice on how to treat his daughter and deal with the situation, that little girl is headed straight 4 drugs, a stripper pole & most likely a score of mental illness. This coming from someone who had only mild father issues & a wonderful mother but I still ended up with mental health issues, substance abuse issues etc. I cant even begin to imagine how much damage thisfather is doing to her poor mind by using her as a guilt tool and messing with her sense of identity and who her mother really is. This little girl is gonna have abandonment issues up the wazoo + god knos wat other kinds of irreparable probs if professional help is not acquired soon! He should find a support group 4 single dad's of very young kids or any kind of professional help if he cant bring himself 2 go 2 therapy. If he cares AT ALL about his kid he would. He seems like a TRASH father! How can she say hes a great dad!?
NTA maybe you should manipulate back: I can't take care of Juniper because the sight of her makes ME CRY because she reminds me of you CHEATING on me! He's being selfish, so you can be too. This guy is unbelievable. But turn her down gently and consisetently. She will soon start to understand after she gets a little older. This is earthly-me talking. But on the other hand.... souls pick their parents and maybe all this was meant to be and she has to have a place in your life. This is spiritual-me talking. You can choose what feels best for you. It's your journey.
Maybe this was all meant to be sounds super cruel. I'd only rebel more to not have the kid in my life that way.
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Honestly I was thinking the same. Crap father and no mother and half sibling to my own kids, I'd be looking into legal guardianship/adoption. She NTA for not wanting t be part of the kids life though
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Only losers in this situation. There is a great deal of pain, and a need for forgiveness. I hope the man becomes the father Juniper deserves. People can get better.
My first reaction was she doesn’t have to play Mom to her ex husband’s child from an affair that destroyed their family unit. Then I shifted to the little girl. She did nothing wrong by being born. She lost her Mom to death. This is an innocent child who CRAVES love from a Mom. Put yourself in her mindset. (I am not good enough) I think it would define your compassion and integrity if you accepted this child. Is this how you would have wanted your sons treated if you had died and your ex’s girlfriend was suddenly Mom? None of this is her fault. Your ex who had the affair and the women are guilty. They hurt and disrupted lives. Please don’t take your resentment out on her. Bring her home for a weekend. What’s the worse that could happen? You can stick to your first name rather than Mom. When she asks “why” tell her that you will explain it to her when she’s old enough to understand. What would Jesus do? 💔
Denise, go be girl's mom, don't tell others to do what you believe to be right. Because that's what Jesus would do.
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You're NTA, but I really feel sad for that little girl. She just wants a mommy like the other kids. That is NOT your responsibility, though. Your ex needs to find a new wife if he wants to provide her with a mother. There are plenty of women out there who can't have their own children, and would love her like their own. I DO wish the two older kids would take an interest in their baby sister. After all, she's not to blame for how she was created.
As someone who deals with the aftermath of this situation and listens to young women who have had parents like this yeah OP is a bit of the ah so many people get mad at men who won’t take a child that isn’t theirs but everyone is so focused on blaming the little girl because of the dad. The girl was born a year after the divorce meaning she was conceived after the divorce. I truly hope this little gets a better mother figure than this woman and honestly I feel like the baby deserves better than someone who treats her like a stranger. It’s easy to focus on blaming the dad but don’t let that stop from the accountability on the woman’s side to. I think if the world has learned something about blindly following a woman’s story in the last week they may be able to stop and think and see that a child deserves better than a woman who treats her like competition.
That woman has multiple kids of her own and the baby IS a stranger to her. I don't understand how is anyone finding it okay pushing a strange to you child on you to be a mother figure. Her family is father and his family, not his ex wife. There's no accountability on woman's side because she clearly said she doesn't want to play the parent role. You people shove randon kids onto strange women too and say "be this baby's mother figure else you're Amber Heard"? Literally nobody is saying baby deserves that woman as a mom, since that woman said NO to it herself. Ger with the program and go raise that baby yourself, mother Theresa.
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So the child suffers. Thats great. Child is alone and scared but hey we wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable now would we. Child is being punished for something she played no role in. As long as your not uncomfortable though, thats what's important.
Child has a father who should be providing the comfort. If child is alone and scared then her o ly parent is doing a shitty job and why tf are you guilt tripping a woman she's not related to? If child is alone and scared, you go take care if her.
Load More Replies... A couple I know had 3 kids together. The wife had an affair and the couple ended up getting divorced and she married the affair guy. Down the road they get pg and have a little girl. The gal and her ex shared custody and the ex would pick up his kids, one day the little girl cried becuz she wanted to go with her siblings(half). Seems she was in the 3yr range too. The ex husband had always treated the wife like a queen and loved his kids dearly. Obviously it wasnt enuf for the now ex wife! Anyway, the kids dad, said to his ex wife, can I take her with the other kids? They love being around her too. She talked to her new hubby and they agreed to try it out. And why wouldnt they--now have free time w/o the kiddos. The little girl goes with her siblings and their dad anytime she wants and he seriously loves the little girl. She knows he isnt her daddy. I know its not the same situation as being discussed here, but I admire this guy so much. He's not an AH like the guy in the story.
Organising it so the little girl doesn't see the OP is a good idea, but it's her father's responsibility.
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Did you even read the text? Being kind to her is one thing and going along when she call you her mom is another thing. She explains to the kid she's not her mom while otherwise being nice to her.
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She can understand Juniper's need for a mother. She just isn't willing to play said mother which is understandable.
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Billy, how about the father figure provides that love. I don't understand why you're pushing someone's child onto a woman who has 4 kids of her own and call her abusive and neglectful for saying no to be a maternal figure 😬
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You're not, but the kid's welfare is her father's responsibility, not the OP's.
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So what, you're saying a woman of 4 kids should play for a mom? To have issues that she grew up thinking one woman was her mommy till daddy gets new girlfriend, then another woman mommy?
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Which would also mean someone's husband cheated on their spouse with you, yet that entitlement you have that the spouse should now be hew new mom just because you think your baby is the bees knees. They're adults, and as a father he should be filling the roles and provide love, not blackmail ex-wife with videos.
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It would be no different... the OP isn't living with him and doesn't have any need to enter into a parenting role. She's not a stepmother. She's kind but sensibly keeping her distance as you can be fairly sure the man will end up in another relationship and that will only confuse the little girl further.
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The child deserves love and care indeed. And it's her father's responsibility to provide it to her without burdening his ex-wife.
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There is something wrong with calling her mom. She isn't her mom and this is her husband trying to weasel free babysitting out of her via gaslighting
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I think it's less punishing the baby and more saving her from having to get used to having "Mom" around when the AH husband eventually does something worse and it's impossible to keep in contact with him.
Load More Replies... Most people with (half) siblings don't do things together. I have two children with my ex-husband and one child with my current husband. My youngest doesn't get invited when my older children does things or celebrate something with their dad/my ex-husband. I would say that's the norm. Yes, they are siblings but that doesn't mean you can't have boundaries.
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No one cares. Get over yourself. OP owes nothing to the ex husband or child. Just because she’s a child doesn’t mean s**t. No one but her father needs to take responsibility for her. Plus your husband didn’t cheat on you or try to force you and you had no reason to reject your husbands kid….
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How is she deliberately hurting the child and teaching her sons to do so? She doesn’t owe the child anything. She is not her mother and doesn’t need to act like it. Plus she would now have to see and interact with her ex even more. Or maybe even pay for things for the child. The husband is lazy and is trying to pass off his responsibilities on his ex wife who he’s already screwed over.
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Do you always dump your problems on other people? Dad is perfectly capable of hiring a babysitter like normal people do. YTA and have no empathy for the ex, who doesn't need a daily reminder of the pain her husband put her tough and broke her world. You forget she is a victim of this AH too. Giving in would be horrible for the little girl too because once the dad finds another woman, the girl will have lost another mother. Again! Also . . . I highly doubt you would raise you're cheating wife's children.
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I think that's exactly what the brass-balls is hoping for.
Load More Replies... Poor little tyke... that being said absolutely NTA. This guy has some big brass balls asking this of his ex wife. I wonder if there is a program the ex-husband can get his daughter involved in that will help provide her with a strong female role model. Something akin to the big brothers/big sisters group.
So what's the plan when the father gets involved in a new relationship? Does the child have to relearn who her "mother" is after being trained to think of the OP as her mom? If this guy's thinking about the impact on the girl at all, it's extremely short sighted.
He almost snaked his way for some free babysitting so he could find the next one...lol NTA!
If he was a "great" dad, he wouldn't be filming his daughter while she's upset and crying, he'd be comforting her. What an a*****e.
OMG guilt tripping you all the way, and even using his child emotions to push it even further... he's truly f up. Honestly just thinking he's trying to force himself back into your family (together with his daughter). Once again, his mind is twisted 100%. Do not be manipulated, it is not your work to raise his daughter, he needs to be both mother and father role model to her (as many single women do). Back off and if it's not helping, cut him off. No pick up/drop offs, do not pick up calls, do not answer to messages. Children can communicate directly if they wish so, but you communicate only through lawyer (otherwise his behaviour will escalate).
I haven't considered that, but you make a good point that he might be wanting back into the family and using this poor girl to manipulate his way in. Wanting a break from parenting seems like the most obvious explanation, but yours certainly has merit! Either way, good on OP for standing her ground.
Load More Replies... I feel for the little girl. That being said - NO. Its definitely too much to ask of OP to take care of a child that 1) isn't hers. 2) came from an affair that I guess caused her a lot of pain. She needs to be able to let go of her ex - not another kid to take care of.
What happens when a new girlfriend steps in? Ex-wife dismissed as temp mom?
NTA. But something does need to change for Juniper's sake. Perhaps when she picks up the boys she doesn't go in the house or to the door, but stays outside where Juniper doesn't see their interaction. Adjust habits as she gets older and the boundary has been set.
A simpler solution would be for the dad to just pick up and hold Juniper while the mom is picking the boys up. She's not going to run at the ex-wife yelling "mama!" if her dad is already holding her.
Load More Replies... NTA, but her ex sure is. He's trying to manipulate OP into parenting his kid. Maybe even throw all responsibility at her. He's s**t father.
NTA-he has an affair baby thus ending the marriage. He left her with 3 kids and now he wants her to start taking the kid with you. Like that wouldn't confuse her even more. Once she does that, she's gonna be babysitting the kid all the time. This guy made his bed and has to deal with the consequences of that.
I divorced my ex because he couldn't keep his pants zipped. The result was a child. It didn't take long to divorce him. I had no problem with drawing the line. Thank God we had no children. A Blessing in disguise. The child was his, not mine and I wanted nothing to do with the child. It was not the child's fault, but that didn't have anything to do with me. I had no guilt feelings then and I don't now.
I would do the same in your position. Like I said below, if my partner cheated and got the other woman pregnant, let alone he would actually expect me to be a new mom or aunt to the child, I would kick his sorry ass to the curb, have nothing to do with HIS child with SOMEONE ELSE, and let the baby mama keep my now-ex.
Load More Replies... There's no way he isn't coaching the kid to call his ex 'mommy'. I don't believe for one moment that Juniper came up with this on her own. The ex is a master manipulator. It's too bad a tiny child has to suffer.
Agreed. This isn't coming from Juniper. That poor little child, AH ex-hubby is using Juniper to manipulate his ex-wife into feeling guilty.
Load More Replies... Some of y’all acting like children don’t cry when they’re told no. also I remember a story on Reddit where op took in her husbands affair child because both her and her mother were dead and neither had any family that op could find, years later this child is now grown and ask’s for a relationship with op as she raised her, op said no since she only raised her to prevent her going into the system. It was clear that op did not have any love for this kid while still providing for her. Point is, now the poor woman is aware that while op was her legal mother, she didn’t love her like one. Better the op in this story shuts this down before it escalates. Telling a kid no to prevent the kid getting confused doesn’t make op an AH
I had a similar situation. My husband cheated and had a child. I wanted nothing to do with the child and me and my ex broke up and divorced because I couldn't be a stepmother to that child. I have no ill will towards the kid but my ex tried to force him on me. Every time I see the kid, I feel the hurt that his birth caused. I never blamed him and I treat him well but there is no relationship. Me and my ex are friends now and it is a little easier to be around his son although I still feel the hurt. I dont let it show around his son though. I never wanted to take out my hurt on him as he is innocent
Can you take it to court as a requirement during handoff that he or a babysitter can disappear with the baby?
Great dad? What kind of dad that force his baby to another person? I do feel sorry for the baby girl though.
Most of us surely feel that same empathy for the poor motherless child.
Load More Replies... I love kids I can't have my own...I'd adopt this baby if I could but that's me...I don't blame the OP for not wanting to be a part of her life as she's a reminder of her ex's infidelity...like others mentioned the ex could easily remarry and then take her away. That would be painful to both the child and the OP...this situation just sucks really :(
NTA. I'm very sorry for the kid, but it's her POS father's responsibility to find a solution that's both good for his daughter and doesn's cross his ex-wife's boundaries. This man uses the kid to manipulate his ex to pick up his slack as a parent. He knows very well what he is doing and it's reprehensible.
NTA! It is hard enough to go through betrayal but then to be manipulated by the person who betrayed you into trying to make you feel responsible for the consequence of his choices? He's a piece of work. Deceptive, entitled, manipulative. He's the AH! Though I do feel sad for the little one. None of this is her fault. But, it's not yours either.
NTA. You never asked to be the adopted mother of someone else's baby that resulted from an affair, that undoubtedly caused you a lot of pain. Seeing the child probably brings up a lot of negative feelings and memories, which is perfectly normal. You may even resent the child, which is also a normal reaction. If your ex was really such a great father, he'd be figuring out a way to be the best father, especially as a single father, for his daughter he could be. Honestly, if my partner cheated and got another woman pregnant, let alone he has the AUDACITY to want me to be the new mother or aunt, I'd kick his sorry ass to the curb, have nothing to do with HIS child WITH SOMEONE ELSE, and let the baby mama keep my now-ex.
Baby mama's dead in this case so there's no one left to keep that hateful ex hubby.
Load More Replies... I feel bad for the preschooler, but it's weird that the "awesome dad's" first idea for how to solve this is for his betrayed ex to pretend she's the child's mother. Yes, it's obviously difficult for a preschooler to understand that her siblings have a mother in their lives while she does not, but that's certainly not the siblings' mother's problem to solve. Sure, it might be heartwarming and lovely if, in a situation like this, the mother of the half-siblings were able to separate her feelings about the new child from her feelings about the affair and have a warm and natural relationship with the child...but it's certainly not a baseline expectation, or even a big-but-reasonable ask: it's a miracle, an act of grace that you couldn't ask for or ever be grateful enough if you did somehow get it.
("You" meaning "the person who perpetrated the affair"--obviously no child should have to feel grateful that adults love them.) More to the point, in this particular situation, it isn't in any way a realistic option: the OP does not feel at all motherly towards this child, and if the dad were to succeed in pressuring her to force herself to try to pretend she does, it's only going to get more painful and confusing for the child as she gets older and better understands the situation. It's ultimately the dad's job to figure out how to help his daughter understand the situation and manage her feelings around it, as well as to make sure that she's getting enough affection and nurturing from him, and to work on finding other adults to include in her life who are genuinely enthusiastic about playing a nurturing role. He's 100% right that it would be good for her to have a nurturing adult other than him, and 100% wrong that he has any business whatsoever asking *his ex*, of all people, to be that person.
Load More Replies... He's the AH. Plus, what kind of father would want to send his child into a possible hostile situation? Not that his ex would be hostile, but there's an unknown in this situation. He's really all about himself and his wants. That said, I'm a sucker for little kids. I'm not sure I could stand to see her so hurt by yet another person. I might sit and play with her for a bit, reinforce that I'm an acquaintance, not her mom, for the sake of my sons. As she grows up, she'd know that I have no ill feelings toward her, because she's innocent. But I seriously doubt that I would take her home with me.
Surprised this man even managed to pull off having an affair, considering how his d**k is invisible in those big brass balls of his. Also, she wouldnt even care about the OP if not for the shitty father her ex is. I mean, he chose to cheat, now the baby is HIS problem. He wrote a check his ass cant cash and he refuses to take the blame for it. smh
This whole situation is very sad. The OP is definitely not the a-hole, but I do feel bad for the little girl. It is her father's responsibility to make sure that she feels loved and cared for. It is not his ex wife's responsibility. From what I understand, she is nice to the little girl, but tries to have boundaries with her. He wants to go around those boundaries so that he can have some time to himself. Instead of recording his daughter crying, he should have gone to her and comforted her. He needs to stop being selfish and take responsibility for his actions. When she comes to get her boys, he could take Juniper to get ice cream or something and get her out of the greeting situation. I do believe that he is 100% pushing Juniper to call his ex wife "Mama". I don't think that this little girl would do that on her own.
Now he tried it. His solution is get a 3yo for a few days. 😂 All kids do this when the siblings leave even when it's not an affair. She'll be ok. All he has to do is bring all the kids outside and take her to the store as they are leaving so she doesn't get left behind.
I do feel awful for the lil one but that shows he isn't sitting with his kid showing her, her moms picture and talking about her.
I think she's NTA... but I feel so sad for juniper.... and knowing what a total bleeding heart I am, if that happened to me, I'd probably take her
Okay, I read it through. She needs to explain to the girl that she's not her mom, she's her special friend. Help her understand she's not being outright rejected, but that she has a different place from her brothers that is different but still okay. I think that the girl could make a parallel between OP and her friends' moms if it were presented the right way.
You are not a jerk. #1. You are still hurting from what your husband did, he shouldn't have even ask you to take the little girl with you. If even though you wouldn't do it on purpose you could start resenting the little girl even more and do things without realizing it. I don't mean you would abuse her in anyway but maybe not pay any attention to her. #2. Your right you husband cause it he needs to deal with it, it sounds like he is looking for an easy fix to HIS problem. Instead of putting you in this position he should get the little girl a nanny or a babysitter then she would have a female in her life to cling.
OP is NTA. Daddy should be in therapy to learn how to deal with the issues that will arise for his baby daughter and possibly even therapy for the baby too. I don't think I'd have the heart to do what OP did. I'd just take on that role. I've seen so many kids suffering and I want to save them all. My heart breaks for the baby daughter.
This is a terrible situation for you to be in and I imagine seeing the child is a reminder of your ex-husband’s betrayal. I understand your hesitance to form a bond with her. It is also not ok for your ex to use emotional manipulation to coerce you into doing something you don’t want to do. It may be empowering to seek support to heal from this situation. As you said, it is not the child’s fault. Also, she is your children’s sibling so there is a life-long connection. Hopefully, you will be able to heal and create a connection with her on your own terms as an important person in the lives of your children (at least the younger ones who spend time with her). Wishing you all the best.
Compromise: let the little girl call you "Aunt" Whatever. That draws a clear boundary that you are not her mother. But gives her something to call you because in her mind you are someone special in her life. Because you are special to her big brothers. Don't take over parenting duties though. But always be kind to the little girl. It's not her fault she exists. And She deserves to be treated with love from her family. (Yes OP you are apart of her family whether you like it or not)
What about when he breeds with another woman - say they have three kids - and one-by-one he incorporates them into the "take them for the weekend" BS? Ha, ha, ha! Say NO now. Pick your boys up down the block or somewhere else.
God, the poor wee girl... I was confused about the story, at first, because I found it hard to imagine someone would actually try to fob off his child on his ex. That guy sounds like a real treat. Selfish, too dumb to use contraceptives and not enough love to give to his own children. What a pos.
I feel sorry for the little girl. Not her mom or dad in the slightest though. Someone who is willing to cheat on their wife is not someone who cares and neither is the woman who knew and didn't care. Poor juniper will be confused for a while but I think it will help her in the long run. It's definitely a difficult situation.
The emotional manipulation from this "man" is disgusting! He is using his child from another mother, to try to guilt this woman into submission! F*CK THAT NOISE! Stop all contact with this clown as this will only become more abusive. Explain to your kids that for your own mental health you won't talk with their father anymore but don't force-quit contact for them. Let them decide for themselves when they are old enough to understand better.
Don't get it twisted, he's absolutely teaching the girl to call you mom, at the very least he definitely isn't correcting her, just allowing the disillusionment. He's taking zero responsibility for his actions and does not feel like the bad guy, as evidenced by him blaming you for his oldest kids not speaking to him when I'm betting they made that decision on their own after being disgusted by him. He's using a 3 year old child now to manipulate, to turn the tables to make himself (and obviously the child) the injured party and you the villain.
If this family, esp the dad doesnt get some SERIOUS therapy & professional advice on how to treat his daughter and deal with the situation, that little girl is headed straight 4 drugs, a stripper pole & most likely a score of mental illness. This coming from someone who had only mild father issues & a wonderful mother but I still ended up with mental health issues, substance abuse issues etc. I cant even begin to imagine how much damage thisfather is doing to her poor mind by using her as a guilt tool and messing with her sense of identity and who her mother really is. This little girl is gonna have abandonment issues up the wazoo + god knos wat other kinds of irreparable probs if professional help is not acquired soon! He should find a support group 4 single dad's of very young kids or any kind of professional help if he cant bring himself 2 go 2 therapy. If he cares AT ALL about his kid he would. He seems like a TRASH father! How can she say hes a great dad!?
NTA maybe you should manipulate back: I can't take care of Juniper because the sight of her makes ME CRY because she reminds me of you CHEATING on me! He's being selfish, so you can be too. This guy is unbelievable. But turn her down gently and consisetently. She will soon start to understand after she gets a little older. This is earthly-me talking. But on the other hand.... souls pick their parents and maybe all this was meant to be and she has to have a place in your life. This is spiritual-me talking. You can choose what feels best for you. It's your journey.
Maybe this was all meant to be sounds super cruel. I'd only rebel more to not have the kid in my life that way.
Load More Replies... Honestly I was thinking the same. Crap father and no mother and half sibling to my own kids, I'd be looking into legal guardianship/adoption. She NTA for not wanting t be part of the kids life though
Load More Replies... Only losers in this situation. There is a great deal of pain, and a need for forgiveness. I hope the man becomes the father Juniper deserves. People can get better.
My first reaction was she doesn’t have to play Mom to her ex husband’s child from an affair that destroyed their family unit. Then I shifted to the little girl. She did nothing wrong by being born. She lost her Mom to death. This is an innocent child who CRAVES love from a Mom. Put yourself in her mindset. (I am not good enough) I think it would define your compassion and integrity if you accepted this child. Is this how you would have wanted your sons treated if you had died and your ex’s girlfriend was suddenly Mom? None of this is her fault. Your ex who had the affair and the women are guilty. They hurt and disrupted lives. Please don’t take your resentment out on her. Bring her home for a weekend. What’s the worse that could happen? You can stick to your first name rather than Mom. When she asks “why” tell her that you will explain it to her when she’s old enough to understand. What would Jesus do? 💔
Denise, go be girl's mom, don't tell others to do what you believe to be right. Because that's what Jesus would do.
Load More Replies... You're NTA, but I really feel sad for that little girl. She just wants a mommy like the other kids. That is NOT your responsibility, though. Your ex needs to find a new wife if he wants to provide her with a mother. There are plenty of women out there who can't have their own children, and would love her like their own. I DO wish the two older kids would take an interest in their baby sister. After all, she's not to blame for how she was created.
As someone who deals with the aftermath of this situation and listens to young women who have had parents like this yeah OP is a bit of the ah so many people get mad at men who won’t take a child that isn’t theirs but everyone is so focused on blaming the little girl because of the dad. The girl was born a year after the divorce meaning she was conceived after the divorce. I truly hope this little gets a better mother figure than this woman and honestly I feel like the baby deserves better than someone who treats her like a stranger. It’s easy to focus on blaming the dad but don’t let that stop from the accountability on the woman’s side to. I think if the world has learned something about blindly following a woman’s story in the last week they may be able to stop and think and see that a child deserves better than a woman who treats her like competition.
That woman has multiple kids of her own and the baby IS a stranger to her. I don't understand how is anyone finding it okay pushing a strange to you child on you to be a mother figure. Her family is father and his family, not his ex wife. There's no accountability on woman's side because she clearly said she doesn't want to play the parent role. You people shove randon kids onto strange women too and say "be this baby's mother figure else you're Amber Heard"? Literally nobody is saying baby deserves that woman as a mom, since that woman said NO to it herself. Ger with the program and go raise that baby yourself, mother Theresa.
Load More Replies... So the child suffers. Thats great. Child is alone and scared but hey we wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable now would we. Child is being punished for something she played no role in. As long as your not uncomfortable though, thats what's important.
Child has a father who should be providing the comfort. If child is alone and scared then her o ly parent is doing a shitty job and why tf are you guilt tripping a woman she's not related to? If child is alone and scared, you go take care if her.
Load More Replies... A couple I know had 3 kids together. The wife had an affair and the couple ended up getting divorced and she married the affair guy. Down the road they get pg and have a little girl. The gal and her ex shared custody and the ex would pick up his kids, one day the little girl cried becuz she wanted to go with her siblings(half). Seems she was in the 3yr range too. The ex husband had always treated the wife like a queen and loved his kids dearly. Obviously it wasnt enuf for the now ex wife! Anyway, the kids dad, said to his ex wife, can I take her with the other kids? They love being around her too. She talked to her new hubby and they agreed to try it out. And why wouldnt they--now have free time w/o the kiddos. The little girl goes with her siblings and their dad anytime she wants and he seriously loves the little girl. She knows he isnt her daddy. I know its not the same situation as being discussed here, but I admire this guy so much. He's not an AH like the guy in the story.
Organising it so the little girl doesn't see the OP is a good idea, but it's her father's responsibility.
Load More Replies... Did you even read the text? Being kind to her is one thing and going along when she call you her mom is another thing. She explains to the kid she's not her mom while otherwise being nice to her.
Load More Replies... She can understand Juniper's need for a mother. She just isn't willing to play said mother which is understandable.
Load More Replies... Billy, how about the father figure provides that love. I don't understand why you're pushing someone's child onto a woman who has 4 kids of her own and call her abusive and neglectful for saying no to be a maternal figure 😬
Load More Replies... You're not, but the kid's welfare is her father's responsibility, not the OP's.
Load More Replies... So what, you're saying a woman of 4 kids should play for a mom? To have issues that she grew up thinking one woman was her mommy till daddy gets new girlfriend, then another woman mommy?
Load More Replies... Which would also mean someone's husband cheated on their spouse with you, yet that entitlement you have that the spouse should now be hew new mom just because you think your baby is the bees knees. They're adults, and as a father he should be filling the roles and provide love, not blackmail ex-wife with videos.
Load More Replies... It would be no different... the OP isn't living with him and doesn't have any need to enter into a parenting role. She's not a stepmother. She's kind but sensibly keeping her distance as you can be fairly sure the man will end up in another relationship and that will only confuse the little girl further.
Load More Replies... The child deserves love and care indeed. And it's her father's responsibility to provide it to her without burdening his ex-wife.
Load More Replies... There is something wrong with calling her mom. She isn't her mom and this is her husband trying to weasel free babysitting out of her via gaslighting
Load More Replies... I think it's less punishing the baby and more saving her from having to get used to having "Mom" around when the AH husband eventually does something worse and it's impossible to keep in contact with him.
Load More Replies... Most people with (half) siblings don't do things together. I have two children with my ex-husband and one child with my current husband. My youngest doesn't get invited when my older children does things or celebrate something with their dad/my ex-husband. I would say that's the norm. Yes, they are siblings but that doesn't mean you can't have boundaries.
Load More Replies... No one cares. Get over yourself. OP owes nothing to the ex husband or child. Just because she’s a child doesn’t mean s**t. No one but her father needs to take responsibility for her. Plus your husband didn’t cheat on you or try to force you and you had no reason to reject your husbands kid….
Load More Replies... How is she deliberately hurting the child and teaching her sons to do so? She doesn’t owe the child anything. She is not her mother and doesn’t need to act like it. Plus she would now have to see and interact with her ex even more. Or maybe even pay for things for the child. The husband is lazy and is trying to pass off his responsibilities on his ex wife who he’s already screwed over.
Load More Replies... Do you always dump your problems on other people? Dad is perfectly capable of hiring a babysitter like normal people do. YTA and have no empathy for the ex, who doesn't need a daily reminder of the pain her husband put her tough and broke her world. You forget she is a victim of this AH too. Giving in would be horrible for the little girl too because once the dad finds another woman, the girl will have lost another mother. Again! Also . . . I highly doubt you would raise you're cheating wife's children.
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