Woman Snaps At Fiancé Who Relentlessly Criticized Her Way Of Making Coffee, And Somehow She’s The “Bad Guy”
Interview With Author
Coffee does things to people. And by that, I mean it does more than just inject your veins with pure energy juice, making you feel less tired and more willing to cope with life’s greatest challenges.
Coffee, turns out, is also a way of life, and if you don’t strictly adhere to the very specific rules and etiquette of what it means to experience coffee, then you don’t deserve it. Or something along those lines. If you want to feed the absolute snobbishness of the idea.
And this one Redditor explained just how drastic it can get with coffee in an Am I The A-Hole story she shared a year ago, but has now provided an update of how the whole story was transformational for her.
More Info: Original Story | Update
Coffee is many things, but taking it to an extreme is never a good idea because it can cost you a relationship
Image credits: Arjun Shankar (not the actual image)
Meet Reddit user u/Minaowl, a then 23-year-old living with her then 25-year-old fiance who was a bit of a coffee connoisseur… OK, not just a bit. Quite, or very much work better here.
You see, he was what Mina described as a foodie—someone with a particular interest in food—making him very particular about certain ingestibles, one of which was coffee. This means that their household had things like a manual coffee grinder, distilled water, and even an Aeropress along with a metal coffee filter.
This is besides all of the weighing the fiance did (using actual scales) to make sure the proportions were perfect and everything from the different coffee grinder settings to the usage, or lack thereof, of the Aeropress and other coffee brewing implements always had to undergo strict procedure as if he was a national symphony orchestra conductor preparing to perform Antonio Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons.
A Redditor has shared a story of how her (now ex) foodie fiance turned coffee making into a reason for abuse
Image Credits: u/Minaowl
OP, however, was a casual drinker who would… well, play the guitar at home because the music’s just as good and enjoyable… so, use a scoop to measure beans, use any setting on the grinder, not let the coffee sit to brew, that sort of thing.
You can probably see, at this point, where the conflict is brewing.
This barbaric approach to preparing coffee didn’t sit well with the fiance, which led to multiple arguments between the two about how she was making her coffee wrong. Mind you, if she was making coffee for him, she would follow his instructions and use all of the necessities to make the coffee he wanted to imbibe, but she didn’t feel like going through all of the same trouble for her own cup of java.
Image Credits: u/Minaowl
This culminated when one day Mina was scooping coffee beans into the grinder and her fiance whipped out his scales and asked her to use them for it shall please the caffeine gods because he seemed bothered by this.
Despite them having had this conversation multiple times, it happened again, and you can guess just how frustrating it was for Mina at this point. She snapped out a “no” his way, to which he responded with a “you, too”, as if she had cursed him out. She wasn’t even thinking it.
This in turn led OP to share her story with the Am I The A-Hole community on Reddit. “I first posted [the story] because I needed validation. I knew that I wasn’t in the wrong on some level, but I felt like I was losing my mind. My ex really seemed to be hurting watching me make my coffee wrong and had so much contempt for me when I didn’t comply, I just needed someone to tell me I wasn’t insane,” Mina told Bored Panda in an interview about her now-viral post.
Image Credits: u/Minaowl
What sets this AITA post apart from others is that it came with an update a year later, turning it into a happy ending kind of story
Image credits: Olle Svensson (not the actual image)
And this is where it started to get really interesting. Saying that Mina is not wrong in this situation was to be expected from the AITA community, but many folks were actually pointing out that there was a bigger underlying issue at play here, and that was abuse.
The way someone prepares their coffee is, at the very least, nobody’s business, if anything because it’s a taste, and everyone has one. But to start bossing someone around made everyone wonder what else he was bossing her around about, leading to very serious conclusions from the audience.
The AITA community gave Mina some perspective on what was really going on, which pushed her to make some serious conclusions of her own. What makes this AITA story unique is that there is an update. A year later, Mina came out with an update, explaining the happy ending this experience led to.
In her update, OP thanked the community for helping her make the difficult decision of leaving her snobby coffee-loving fiance
Image Credits: u/Minaowl
Image credits: Star5112 (not the actual image)
Mina told Bored Panda that she decided to post an update because she herself always remembers posts where people seem to be in an abusive relationship and would often wonder whatever happened to them.
In her update, she explained how she saw how everyone caught on to the bigger issue here, and while not everyone’s response was eye-opening, it was certainly the push she needed to make the right choice.
She also explained that she is doing just fine now, working as a caregiver, thinking of going to grad school to study social work, and with a new partner who doesn’t even attempt to turn coffee making, or anything else for that matter, into an elaborate project. And she had the AITA community to thank for helping her make the decision.
While it was clear that OP was not the bad guy here, folks pointed out more than just that
“I’ve always known that abuse isn’t just physical, but I think I always conceptualized abuse as calculated and intentional. My ex doesn’t believe that he’s abusive, just that he’s always right, and the fact that he wasn’t as calculated as some people I’ve heard about delayed me realizing that what had happened was abuse. I didn’t grasp it until a few months after I was out,” elaborated Mina.
She also explained that this whole experience gave her a newfound appreciation for the freedom to make coffee, or anything else, her way without the prospect of a fight hanging over her. In light of this, she now partakes in pre-ground coffee, and it’s amazing.
Some folks commented on her update, saying how they remember reading her original post a year ago. “I have some perspective now that I’m out, but the idea of having to fight almost every morning just to make my coffee how I want to still feels kinda normal because it was my normal. Seeing that so many people read it and were struck by how messed up it was really surprised me,” concluded Mina.
Her original post garnered a bit over 4,000 upvotes, but, as you know now, has been significant in her life and that means something. But her update blew up way out of proportion with 32,200 upvotes, and it made folks happy to see a happy-ever-after.
But what are your thoughts on this? Or if you don’t have any, share your coffee opinions in the comment section below.
I giggled at her writing. Glad she got fed up and found a better match. My guess: her present boyfriend likes her sense of humour, breezy manner, and low-maintenance ways. I think her ex needs to advertise for a woman who's a gourmet submissive sous-chef. The man's crossed the line from being an@l-retentive to a straight-up a$$hole.
Ha ha, I knew he was idiot when he got the water wrong, distilled water has literally no benefit to drinking it. All the minerals have been removed. It's more for irons or car cooling systems. Should have got a water softener. He sounded like it would be awful being around him, good to see she moved on.
Water can taste bad when too hard, we have the same problem. But like you said, a softener or a filter is the way to go. Distilled water tastes like feet.
Load More Replies...
Definitely NTA. Glad she broke up with him. I'm very particular myself about certain foods and when people around me make it a way I think is wrong I get annoyed too. However I would never say or show that because in the end it's none of my business since it doesn't affect me and it's their choice.
I dated a guy exactly like this. He was awful. Everyone else was always wrong. Only he did everything right. He even criticized how I *took* my coffee (cream & sugar, nice and sweet). He also criticized how I folded dish towels, combed my hair, chopped vegetables (I’m a chef, btw), did the dishes, did the laundry, anything and everything. As you can imagine, when I dumped him, he threw many tantrums, so I blocked him, and according to mutual friends, he is still throwing tantrums. That was two years ago.
It sounds to me like he needs some serious therapy. His problem may not be controlling everyone. He may have OCD in the sense that if things aren't done a certain way, it can cause unimaginable anxiety. He may not have been trying to control you as much as he was trying to control his environment to ease his stress. You are still NTA and it was right to leave him if he would not listen. But if you are still in touch with him....suggest he get therapy because a condition like this could develop in to panic attacks and an inability to function in normal everyday situations.
"When I go grocery shopping, I'm not stressing about accidentally buying the wrong brand of pasta or juice that's from concentrate." Many will probably see this as minor but for someone who has experienced this, it was such a relief when you are not with them anymore and care about stuff like this. If they have food allergy, that would be a different story, though.
I'm amazed she was grocery shopping. I'd have said look if you're that particular, YOU do the damn grocery shopping. When I go to the store with a friend of mine I do not help her pack her bags because I know I will do it 'wrong' lol, but unlike him she's not an a*s and is happy to do it herself to get it right.
Load More Replies... Good for OP for leaving that A*****e. It's nice to hear of oppressed people getting out of the oppression.
Ex’s are ex’s for a reason. My ex was exactly the same way. If it wasn’t done the way he did it then it was wrong. Always telling me Im doing it wrong, from driving, (meanwhile he lost his license after his 3rd DUI) to washing clothes, etc. Broke up with him 5 yrs ago and it’s been great ever since. People like the should just be single, they are not mental stable to be around others.
My partner is way more fussy about making coffee than I am, but he will a) drink it the way I make it when I make him a cup and b) stay faaaar out of it when I make coffee for myself. Because it's not a matter of safety or health or whatever, it's how I LIKE things and I don't have to justify that to anyone. Good thing they broke up.
For me, I 'buy my coffee already ground' as the song goes, and once upon a time, that was fine with hubby. Then his brother became a nazi about coffee, fresh ground, filtered water, and expresso maker. So then hubby got to that craziness. We got separate coffee makers. He makes his tar remover and I have my common known, regular brew. Our daughters are fine with regular brew too, if they have any at all at home. They go for the fou fou from the national known coffee houses that are over priced.
Oh Honey NO... This isn't about coffee brewing at all. It's about controlling others to suit oneself- pour yourself big cup of lifetime hate & discontent if you're yoked to that. 99.5% of the time other people don't do exactly what I want, how I want , when I want. The degree to which I can accept this is the degree to which I will know serenity. Most people start learning this in day care. Glad OP smelled the cat box & moved on. NTA
What an amazing story and well played for having the courage to make such change. Your an inspiration to anyone in a similar situation. Thank you for your story and update and good luck xxx
He might have an underlying issue (or multiple). I recently received an autism diagnosis, and I'm so rigid (not OCD, just super, super compulsive) that I have similar behaviors (I'd learned decades ago to 'mask' my differences in public). I'm glad she's happier and in a better place now, but I do wonder if he had undiagnosed mental challenges.
I married that guy Mr always right. As he pointed out its not his way it's the right way. Now I do everything wrong and I'm sooooo happy!
Sounds like legit OCD to me. If he’s not already on medication for that he might try it.
I'm glad that she did what was best for her well being! I feel like he could've had OCD or was on the autism spectrum but that doesn't excuse his abusive behaviors (this is coming from someone on the autism spectrum)
A friend of mine called it food issues. I have mine and others have theirs. I might not like it but, hey, to each their own. My family has made fun of my 'food issues' all my life but they have never told me it was wrong. I've seen someone put ketchup on my Mom's cook for 2 day, only on special occasion, handmade enchiladas! It caused an uproar! We thought he was crazy but we didn't tell him he was eating it the wrong way.
Why would you care how someone else is making their own cup of coffee? Do you also randomly salt and pepper other people's food because that's the way you like it? Sheesh. I mean, I love my coffee, but this guy is ridiculously a**l about it.
In my experience the actual smartest person in the room is often the quietest and most agreeable.
I am a coffee snob, However My GF can do what she wants. It does not effect me. Also The op is in the right here, Decaf coffee requires adjustment in the amount of grounds compared to Regular, in the end it is a matter of taste and strength. everyone has their own. She was drinking Folgers preround when I met her and now she grinds and brews her own. But it was her choice to change when she was having stomach issues due to rancid coffee. I just suggested what the problem was.
My wife sent me to the store to get her a TV dinner. She just said “something with beef.” I looked at our dog Joey and said “meet today’s contestant on ‘that’s not what I wanted!’” I came back with three dinners and all three: “that’s not what I wanted.” I looked at Joey: “we have a WINNER!”
Glad she left that controlling git. I also use an Aeropress, use already ground coffee from the grocery store, eyeball the amount, use tap water even thought I have filtered water that I'm too lazy to get, don't time it, and it's still the best damn cup of coffee anywhere. I'm only particular about the coffee brand and water temperature when soaking and then filling up.
First, for anyone who is confused, hard water means that it’s difficult for soap to get soapy in that water. But that’s irrelevant. That guy was a subtle controller and abuser. I’m glad OP got out before he damaged her completely. You could already see that OP no longer has to worry about buying a wrong brand because It’S tHe WrONg BraNd! I wish her luck with the new guy!
I would have bought a small jar of the cheapest instant coffee I could find and decanted it into a "posh" container. I wonder if he would have noticed the difference.
I giggled at her writing. Glad she got fed up and found a better match. My guess: her present boyfriend likes her sense of humour, breezy manner, and low-maintenance ways. I think her ex needs to advertise for a woman who's a gourmet submissive sous-chef. The man's crossed the line from being an@l-retentive to a straight-up a$$hole.
Ha ha, I knew he was idiot when he got the water wrong, distilled water has literally no benefit to drinking it. All the minerals have been removed. It's more for irons or car cooling systems. Should have got a water softener. He sounded like it would be awful being around him, good to see she moved on.
Water can taste bad when too hard, we have the same problem. But like you said, a softener or a filter is the way to go. Distilled water tastes like feet.
Load More Replies... Definitely NTA. Glad she broke up with him. I'm very particular myself about certain foods and when people around me make it a way I think is wrong I get annoyed too. However I would never say or show that because in the end it's none of my business since it doesn't affect me and it's their choice.
I dated a guy exactly like this. He was awful. Everyone else was always wrong. Only he did everything right. He even criticized how I *took* my coffee (cream & sugar, nice and sweet). He also criticized how I folded dish towels, combed my hair, chopped vegetables (I’m a chef, btw), did the dishes, did the laundry, anything and everything. As you can imagine, when I dumped him, he threw many tantrums, so I blocked him, and according to mutual friends, he is still throwing tantrums. That was two years ago.
It sounds to me like he needs some serious therapy. His problem may not be controlling everyone. He may have OCD in the sense that if things aren't done a certain way, it can cause unimaginable anxiety. He may not have been trying to control you as much as he was trying to control his environment to ease his stress. You are still NTA and it was right to leave him if he would not listen. But if you are still in touch with him....suggest he get therapy because a condition like this could develop in to panic attacks and an inability to function in normal everyday situations.
"When I go grocery shopping, I'm not stressing about accidentally buying the wrong brand of pasta or juice that's from concentrate." Many will probably see this as minor but for someone who has experienced this, it was such a relief when you are not with them anymore and care about stuff like this. If they have food allergy, that would be a different story, though.
I'm amazed she was grocery shopping. I'd have said look if you're that particular, YOU do the damn grocery shopping. When I go to the store with a friend of mine I do not help her pack her bags because I know I will do it 'wrong' lol, but unlike him she's not an a*s and is happy to do it herself to get it right.
Load More Replies... Good for OP for leaving that A*****e. It's nice to hear of oppressed people getting out of the oppression.
Ex’s are ex’s for a reason. My ex was exactly the same way. If it wasn’t done the way he did it then it was wrong. Always telling me Im doing it wrong, from driving, (meanwhile he lost his license after his 3rd DUI) to washing clothes, etc. Broke up with him 5 yrs ago and it’s been great ever since. People like the should just be single, they are not mental stable to be around others.
My partner is way more fussy about making coffee than I am, but he will a) drink it the way I make it when I make him a cup and b) stay faaaar out of it when I make coffee for myself. Because it's not a matter of safety or health or whatever, it's how I LIKE things and I don't have to justify that to anyone. Good thing they broke up.
For me, I 'buy my coffee already ground' as the song goes, and once upon a time, that was fine with hubby. Then his brother became a nazi about coffee, fresh ground, filtered water, and expresso maker. So then hubby got to that craziness. We got separate coffee makers. He makes his tar remover and I have my common known, regular brew. Our daughters are fine with regular brew too, if they have any at all at home. They go for the fou fou from the national known coffee houses that are over priced.
Oh Honey NO... This isn't about coffee brewing at all. It's about controlling others to suit oneself- pour yourself big cup of lifetime hate & discontent if you're yoked to that. 99.5% of the time other people don't do exactly what I want, how I want , when I want. The degree to which I can accept this is the degree to which I will know serenity. Most people start learning this in day care. Glad OP smelled the cat box & moved on. NTA
What an amazing story and well played for having the courage to make such change. Your an inspiration to anyone in a similar situation. Thank you for your story and update and good luck xxx
He might have an underlying issue (or multiple). I recently received an autism diagnosis, and I'm so rigid (not OCD, just super, super compulsive) that I have similar behaviors (I'd learned decades ago to 'mask' my differences in public). I'm glad she's happier and in a better place now, but I do wonder if he had undiagnosed mental challenges.
I married that guy Mr always right. As he pointed out its not his way it's the right way. Now I do everything wrong and I'm sooooo happy!
Sounds like legit OCD to me. If he’s not already on medication for that he might try it.
I'm glad that she did what was best for her well being! I feel like he could've had OCD or was on the autism spectrum but that doesn't excuse his abusive behaviors (this is coming from someone on the autism spectrum)
A friend of mine called it food issues. I have mine and others have theirs. I might not like it but, hey, to each their own. My family has made fun of my 'food issues' all my life but they have never told me it was wrong. I've seen someone put ketchup on my Mom's cook for 2 day, only on special occasion, handmade enchiladas! It caused an uproar! We thought he was crazy but we didn't tell him he was eating it the wrong way.
Why would you care how someone else is making their own cup of coffee? Do you also randomly salt and pepper other people's food because that's the way you like it? Sheesh. I mean, I love my coffee, but this guy is ridiculously a**l about it.
In my experience the actual smartest person in the room is often the quietest and most agreeable.
I am a coffee snob, However My GF can do what she wants. It does not effect me. Also The op is in the right here, Decaf coffee requires adjustment in the amount of grounds compared to Regular, in the end it is a matter of taste and strength. everyone has their own. She was drinking Folgers preround when I met her and now she grinds and brews her own. But it was her choice to change when she was having stomach issues due to rancid coffee. I just suggested what the problem was.
My wife sent me to the store to get her a TV dinner. She just said “something with beef.” I looked at our dog Joey and said “meet today’s contestant on ‘that’s not what I wanted!’” I came back with three dinners and all three: “that’s not what I wanted.” I looked at Joey: “we have a WINNER!”
Glad she left that controlling git. I also use an Aeropress, use already ground coffee from the grocery store, eyeball the amount, use tap water even thought I have filtered water that I'm too lazy to get, don't time it, and it's still the best damn cup of coffee anywhere. I'm only particular about the coffee brand and water temperature when soaking and then filling up.
First, for anyone who is confused, hard water means that it’s difficult for soap to get soapy in that water. But that’s irrelevant. That guy was a subtle controller and abuser. I’m glad OP got out before he damaged her completely. You could already see that OP no longer has to worry about buying a wrong brand because It’S tHe WrONg BraNd! I wish her luck with the new guy!
I would have bought a small jar of the cheapest instant coffee I could find and decanted it into a "posh" container. I wonder if he would have noticed the difference.
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