Internet Calls Out This Mother Who Doesn’t See The Problem With Her Daughter Complaining How Her Younger Brothers Keep Invading Her Privacy
Many democratic countries describe privacy as a fundamental human right, but tell that to your parents who like to come into your room without knocking and after that leave the room without closing the door.
Some parents truly don’t understand that kids and teenagers also need privacy and ignore their requests to put on a lock on the door to prevent them or their siblings from entering their room without permission. But some people still have common sense and Reddit users deemed this one mom to be a jerk for not granting her daughter this favor.
More info: Reddit
Parents don’t think their younger children are invading their older daughter’s privacy, but she is already thinking of moving out
Image credits: rawpixel (not the actual photo)
The Original Poster (OP) is the mom and she has three kids: a 17-year-old daughter and two sons of the ages of 12 and 9. The daughter is studying hard at the moment as graduation is nearing as well as the decision on what’s next.
However, it seems that she doesn’t have the space to study in tranquility as her two younger brothers like to come to her room and move things around, steal things or just be noisy when she tries to sleep, which also doesn’t help with keeping up with schoolwork.
This was causing a lot of screaming in the house and when the parents brought that up, the daughter suggested putting a lock on her door, but they refused. The mom explained that the boys will grow up eventually and for now she will have to deal with it and if anything happens, just call the parents.
Also, the mom didn’t want her daughter to have a lock on her door because she was already not doing great at school, so she figured that her daughter would waste even more time on not studying.
The person who wrote the story is the mom and she begins from painting a picture of what has been happening in her house lately
Image credits: VegetableAd9619
Understandably, the teenager was disappointed and threatened to move as soon as she could because her brothers were out of hand and she didn’t believe anything will help with that. The topic came up a couple of more times and the arguments always ended with the daughter calling the family the worst and telling her mom that she is the worst.
Usually these kinds of stories are written from the perspective of the teenager who wants validation that them wanting privacy doesn’t mean that they’re a bad person. But what made redditors’ blood boil was that this was a parent who clearly saw their daughter struggling and their sons misbehaving but didn’t do anything about it.
Her 17-year-old daughter is often heard screaming, so the parents investigated what is the reason behind it
Image credits: VegetableAd9619
Very Well Family says that “Privacy is essential for teens to gain autonomy and individuality.” But for some parents it might be hard to loosen up the control as up until now, they were over their shoulder all the time.
Bored Panda reached put to Fi Star-Stone who introduces herself as “a qualified parenting expert with almost 30 years working with children and families” on her page. She has a Degree in Childhood and Youth studies, an NNEB in Nursery nursing, and a Diploma in Childhood studies, so we wanted to ask her a few questions regarding the story.
The parenting expert agrees that the privacy question is one not to be avoided and it can be brought up even before the child turns to a teenager even though it may be a bigger change for the parent than the kid themselves, “There’s no rule book when it comes to parenting and as little ones grow older, it’s easy to forget as they grow, that they need their own space and privacy. From as young as 7 years old, it’s important to talk about boundaries and privacy, especially if your child has older siblings that need their own space.”
Turns out the 17 year-old’s younger brothers are either messing up her room or disturbing her when she studies or sleeps
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She adds, “Teaching kids respect and the importance of privacy and boundaries is a hugely valuable life lesson that’ll carry them through to adulthood and help them become valued, kind and caring members of society and help them build strong and valuable relationships as they grow older.”
Very Well Family expands even more and explains that it is important for parents to understand that giving freedom and privacy to their kids helps them to grow up independent, trustworthy and healthy people. Parents have to give space for teens to develop their interests and to show respect for their modesty. Having this independence allows teenagers to develop self-confidence and it leads to less conflicts in the family as you acknowledge that your son or daughter isn’t a child anymore and you trust them.
Fi Star-Stone supports this statement and comments on the situation in question, “Their daughter is 17 and it’s inappropriate and unfair for her younger brothers to burst into her room whenever they like. She could be getting changed, on a private call with friends or just want some time to herself for some headspace.”
From what the mom wrote, it seems that the teen is slowly losing her mind so she suggested to put a lock on her door
Image credits: VegetableAd9619
Although the teen thinks that a lock would make her life easier, the parenting expert doesn’t believe this solution will stand the test of time, “Locks however, are not the answer. Not only do locks pose an extremely dangerous safety hazard, they don’t solve the underlying problem, which, in this case, is lack of communication and understanding from the parents and siblings involved. ”
From her experience, Fi Star-Stone explains that communication is key and the parents should find a way to talk to their kids even if it’s not in a one-on-one talk, “If kids struggle to articulate verbally what they are feeling, then writing down on paper to get their message across without anger or friction is an ideal alternative.”
Neither of the parents saw it as necessary and just promised to make sure the brothers are not bothering the teen
Image credits: VegetableAd9619
Parent Circle suggests several things that will show to your teenager that you respect their privacy. Taking note of their body language and the non-verbal cues is one of the ways to know what annoys them and what you should stop doing.
Parents should mind their language while asking questions and trust that sometimes they can decide for themselves. Ask them about their life because you are interested and want to listen to their experiences and don’t demand information that they don’t want to reveal.
It is also important to leave them alone for a while, especially if they are hanging out with friends and suddenly everyone becomes quiet when you come in. Intrusion is one of the most infuriating things that parents do, such as going through their things or reading their diary, which makes them feel as though they are deprived of the right to privacy.
But parents don’t need to figure out these things alone because as highlighted above by Fi Star-Stone the family members should communicate with each other, “Talking as a family about the value of privacy and creating a family ‘rule’ sets the boundaries needed. A simple rule of ‘if a door is closed, you knock and wait to be invited in’ together with consequences if the rules are broken, will make the daughter feel listened to and respected and create a plan moving forward. This ‘family rule’ works not just for the children but the adults too. Us grown-ups need our privacy and space too at times.”
However, they failed to keep that promise but didn’t want to consider the daughter’s idea either
Image credits: VegetableAd9619
While the parenting expert admits that siblings always have something to fight about and parents are tired of breaking up those fights, she also thinks that such mindset leads to ignoring the real problem, “The fact she wants a lock on her room shows she feels unsafe and insecure in her own home. Her property is not respected and her feelings are being ignored and this situation will just get worse if it’s not taken seriously.”
The expert already suggested a conversation between the parents and the teenager as a step forward, but she also thinks that the younger brothers have to be taught a lesson as well, “Encouraging empathy from the younger siblings will help them to understand how their sister is feeling. Talking to them about how would they feel if their sister messed with their favourite possessions or burst in on them getting changed, creates a deeper understanding of the situation.”
The teen expressed her wish to move out as soon as she can and told the woman that she is a horrible mom
Image credits: Luke Jones (not the actual photo)
Every child is different and their newly found freedom may be interpreted as a sign to do whatever they want, so parents still have to do their job. But redditors were quite convinced that the teen in this story had a pretty valid request that would have helped her to sleep better and have some quiet time for studying.
We would like to know what your thoughts on this situation are. If you were the parent, would you put a lock on the daughter’s bedroom? Would you focus more on the behavior of the boys? If you were the daughter, would you want to move out too? Let us know in the comments.
The readers were on the teen’s side and believed she deserved privacy and some piece and quiet
The fact that her brother said he has a right to go in her room says it all. The parents are failing to control the two youngest. They should be making it very clear to all of them that each child's room is their own and only to be entered with each other's permission. Why are the boys being allowed to keep doing these things without obvious consequences other than the example of 'turning things back the right way'? She should call her parents every single time they do these things rather than shout at them herself, it would be more proof of how often it's a problem and then hopefully the parents would get fed up with it as well. Parents aren't happy that she has been 'wasting her time' yet seems she's spending a lot of it frustrated and shouting at her siblings, how is THAT helping her studies. Want her to be able to concentrate? Let her be able to keep them out.
You're absolutely right! This is disgusting parental behavior. The standard 'boys will be boys' "give them time, they will learn". They won't at their house because no one is parenting them. They should have learned long before now what the rules of the house are. I wonder if they disrupt their parents privacy in their bedroom and run in there whenever they want 🤔. OP didn't answer one person on reddit that I could find. It's a shame to treat her like that. They don't even mention her doing anything outside the home, just the same relentless routine with 'bothers' and her parents.
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Another example of young girls being taught to tolerate boys behavior because boys will be boys
I'm glad there are no dissenting NTA in the comments so the mother knows she is the one in the wrong. At 12 and 9, they should know if they were taught. It's clear the parents don't teach these boys respect or discipline them.
My 5 year old wouldn't act up that badly more than a couple of times and our main form of discipline are time outs and discussions! These boys have had ZERO discipline
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OP is 43. That's just a few months ahead of me, and yet this is a barely coherent stream of consciousness, not exactly putting forward any argument in their favour. Lara sounds like the most mature out of the whole sorry mess of them. I hope she escapes and breaks the cycle of horrible, horrible human beings that is (just about) described here.
YES, THANK YOU! My brain hurt trying to follow this "story". This is the writing of a 43 yo? After rereading several parts, I literally scrolled back up to the top to confirm that it was written by the mother and not the 12 yo. I get casual mistakes in a quick tweet, IG, or facebook message, but she is literally writing this to plead her case to MANY people. It would have been worth a 2nd or even 3rd read through before posting. However, based on the rest of the post, it makes sense that she would pick the option that would require the least amount of effort.
Load More Replies... Issue isn't the daughter wants a lock, but that the parents clearly have no control of their children. At no point in any of the posts did she mention any consequence for the sons going into her room or harrasing her when she is trying to study. Children will always act up and pester each other, but if you do nothing when they do, of course they keep doing it and push it further
Girl, I know you won't be reading this, but get the heck out of this house as soon as possible. Your brothers act like 6 and 3 year olds, your parents prioritize their sons, whom they clearly have no control over, over you and your mother's incoherent ramblings about you "wasting your time" (by screaming to get those little shits out of your room??) and about a 12 year old not allowed to make tea (??) don't help... Also, stop napping in Kyle's room, they will continue to use it as leverage over you.
She's gonna have fun when her daughter moves out and they start going through their parents' room
Give her the lock. From the inside. One key for her and one for you guys if there is an emergency and you need to go in to get her. Then when she's in there she can lock it and when she leaves for the day she can lock it. Let her have her "apartment". Tell her she has to keep it clean and you have rights to come inspect for upkeep. Don't let the young ones know where that other key is. They need to learn to respect others. The whole house is not their playground.
I don't think that I have ever seen such terrible parents in my life. Their seventeen year old daughter is being essentially tormented by her little brothers and the parents don't seem to care. This girl has every right to privacy and the fact that her parents refuse to give it to her is disturbing. One of the boys said that they have every right to be in her room because they are playing. Do they not have bedrooms to play in? They are failing as parents and risking losing their daughter if they don't decide to discipline their sons and keep them out of her room. The oldest boy is too old to still be running around behaving like this. These boys need to learn about boundaries and now is the time to learn about them. These parents are definitely the AH.
The fûcking misogyny in this post has me reeling. I’m literally nauseated that this mother has no ability to value her daughters right to privacy and freedom from what is clearly harassment. Yet she’s apologizing and excusing the boys behavior & then turning the blame onto the girl, suggesting she wastes her time? I hope the daughter is financially stable enough when she turns 18 to run and never look back.
If the parents weren't happy with the idea of her having a lock, they should have been actually parenting their sons. It sounds like yet another instance of the incredibly toxic "boys will be boys" attitude; Everything is somehow the daughter's fault. They say she'll waste time and not study with a lock, but what the heck do they think is happening with constant disruptions from her little brothers? They're totally doing it on purpose to bully their older sister. What horrible parents, I feel so bad for the daughter. Unless they fix that situation pronto and actually start disciplining their sons, they can fully expect the daughter to really move out and completely cut them out of her life.
If my kids acted like that you can bet your a*s I'd put a stop to it - I have two older kids (18 and 17) and two younger (8 and 5) and there's no way I would let this happen, they've been taught to respect each other's right to space. Do my younger kids mess about, sure, do they try to gang out with the older ones, sometimes, do they get upset if told no, sure but they wouldn't ever dream of messing with their siblings property or run in and out of their room. I can't believe the parents are letting their kids torture each other, step up and be parents and give the girl a bloody lock to save her sanity and any semblance of a relationship before it's too late
Heard from many westerners that they don't have locks on their doors. Some even said they're not allowed to close their doors. As a south Asian who has locks on even the kitchen door, these things are really confusing.
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I'm willing to bet those boys aren't allowed to play in mom and dads room... shame on those parents. She's going to stay true to her word and leave the house when she's able and they'll end up losing contact with her and then blame her for it. I wish Lara all the luck in the world getting financially stable on her own as soon as possible. I hope her situation gets better <3
Good lord, this woman makes no sense. What a hot mess. No wonder her household is chaos!
OP and husband sound horribly sexist to me. They can control the almost-an-adult girl but not the out-of-control boys? Seriously fŮck that - YTA, OP. That poor daughter of yours! Hopefully she'll move out, get therapy and cut your toxic @sses out of her life.
I moved out of my parents house as soon as I've finished school at 17 because I had no privacy some of it was because of my two younger brother's the worst of it was because of my stepfather. He would go through my things while I was at school, barge into my room when I was getting dressed, barge into the bathroom when I was having a shower... I was told I wasn't entitled to privacy because it was his house.
Ugh, that's horrible. Glad you were able to get out of there that early.
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My goodness, I taught my kids to knock on doors when they started walking. Everyone knocks and wait for a permission. Doesn't matter who it is or what age they are. YTA 100%. How can you not see how much wrong this is? Your husband is no better and I hope your kids don't end-up in prison.
Would normally downvote but this is an exception. Here an upvote
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I agree with all the other comments about your teen needing her space. I was very close with my family, but there were 5 of us kids. I always shared a room and never had any privacy. I moved out as soon as I could just because I like peace and quiet. We are all very close and after I moved out (at 19), I still went home for dinner a couple nights a week. Not everyone craves alone time, but if you do, it’s a real need.
You, her dad and her brothers are all AHs. Put a lock on her door so she can protect her stuff. Start grounding your two brats for harassing her. Y'all are so close to ruining your relationship permanently with your daughter. She will move out as soon as she can and y'all will never see her. Stop making this her problem and parent your two brats and apologize to your daughter NOW!
How does this idiot not see that SHE's the problem? I imagine if she worked from home and they acted like this she'd put a stop to it right quick.
This is just....I am FLOORED by what I just read. OP is 43 years old, same age as me. And yet if she hadn't stated her age, I'd have thought these are the ramblings of a spoiled teenager. OP is VERY stunted in terms of maturity. At no point does she mention anything indicating that she's actively parenting her children. Lara is clearly voice of reason in this dysfunctional household and the message being served by her lazy POS parents is that she is not entitled to privacy, respect, or setting and enforcing personal boundaries even in her own bedroom while the boys are given a wide berth to do as they please without consequences. Think about how dangerous that is when applied to the real world situations Lara will face when she moves out, which will be sooner rather than later. And the boys are getting this exact same message. This is so beyond fūcked I'm out of things to say.
What was the feal with the tea thing? It was written in a way that i could not understand
It's very badly written so I'm guessing there's a missing word. Maybe 'making Kyle tea when he did something he's not allowed to do.' Kyle then says if she promises not to tell he and Ryan won't go into her room again. Yet they did...
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All of the bedroom doors in our house had locks, so I had one from infancy. It was never a problem. We kept the keys on top of the door frames just in case there was an emergency, but didn't ever really need to use them. We hardly ever used the locks themselves. The idea that it might be a problem to have a lock on a 'child's' door is new to me, tbh. What's the problem exactly? Just give the parents access to a copy of the key.
The fact that her brother said he has a right to go in her room says it all. The parents are failing to control the two youngest. They should be making it very clear to all of them that each child's room is their own and only to be entered with each other's permission. Why are the boys being allowed to keep doing these things without obvious consequences other than the example of 'turning things back the right way'? She should call her parents every single time they do these things rather than shout at them herself, it would be more proof of how often it's a problem and then hopefully the parents would get fed up with it as well. Parents aren't happy that she has been 'wasting her time' yet seems she's spending a lot of it frustrated and shouting at her siblings, how is THAT helping her studies. Want her to be able to concentrate? Let her be able to keep them out.
You're absolutely right! This is disgusting parental behavior. The standard 'boys will be boys' "give them time, they will learn". They won't at their house because no one is parenting them. They should have learned long before now what the rules of the house are. I wonder if they disrupt their parents privacy in their bedroom and run in there whenever they want 🤔. OP didn't answer one person on reddit that I could find. It's a shame to treat her like that. They don't even mention her doing anything outside the home, just the same relentless routine with 'bothers' and her parents.
Load More Replies... Another example of young girls being taught to tolerate boys behavior because boys will be boys
I'm glad there are no dissenting NTA in the comments so the mother knows she is the one in the wrong. At 12 and 9, they should know if they were taught. It's clear the parents don't teach these boys respect or discipline them.
My 5 year old wouldn't act up that badly more than a couple of times and our main form of discipline are time outs and discussions! These boys have had ZERO discipline
Load More Replies... OP is 43. That's just a few months ahead of me, and yet this is a barely coherent stream of consciousness, not exactly putting forward any argument in their favour. Lara sounds like the most mature out of the whole sorry mess of them. I hope she escapes and breaks the cycle of horrible, horrible human beings that is (just about) described here.
YES, THANK YOU! My brain hurt trying to follow this "story". This is the writing of a 43 yo? After rereading several parts, I literally scrolled back up to the top to confirm that it was written by the mother and not the 12 yo. I get casual mistakes in a quick tweet, IG, or facebook message, but she is literally writing this to plead her case to MANY people. It would have been worth a 2nd or even 3rd read through before posting. However, based on the rest of the post, it makes sense that she would pick the option that would require the least amount of effort.
Load More Replies... Issue isn't the daughter wants a lock, but that the parents clearly have no control of their children. At no point in any of the posts did she mention any consequence for the sons going into her room or harrasing her when she is trying to study. Children will always act up and pester each other, but if you do nothing when they do, of course they keep doing it and push it further
Girl, I know you won't be reading this, but get the heck out of this house as soon as possible. Your brothers act like 6 and 3 year olds, your parents prioritize their sons, whom they clearly have no control over, over you and your mother's incoherent ramblings about you "wasting your time" (by screaming to get those little shits out of your room??) and about a 12 year old not allowed to make tea (??) don't help... Also, stop napping in Kyle's room, they will continue to use it as leverage over you.
She's gonna have fun when her daughter moves out and they start going through their parents' room
Give her the lock. From the inside. One key for her and one for you guys if there is an emergency and you need to go in to get her. Then when she's in there she can lock it and when she leaves for the day she can lock it. Let her have her "apartment". Tell her she has to keep it clean and you have rights to come inspect for upkeep. Don't let the young ones know where that other key is. They need to learn to respect others. The whole house is not their playground.
I don't think that I have ever seen such terrible parents in my life. Their seventeen year old daughter is being essentially tormented by her little brothers and the parents don't seem to care. This girl has every right to privacy and the fact that her parents refuse to give it to her is disturbing. One of the boys said that they have every right to be in her room because they are playing. Do they not have bedrooms to play in? They are failing as parents and risking losing their daughter if they don't decide to discipline their sons and keep them out of her room. The oldest boy is too old to still be running around behaving like this. These boys need to learn about boundaries and now is the time to learn about them. These parents are definitely the AH.
The fûcking misogyny in this post has me reeling. I’m literally nauseated that this mother has no ability to value her daughters right to privacy and freedom from what is clearly harassment. Yet she’s apologizing and excusing the boys behavior & then turning the blame onto the girl, suggesting she wastes her time? I hope the daughter is financially stable enough when she turns 18 to run and never look back.
If the parents weren't happy with the idea of her having a lock, they should have been actually parenting their sons. It sounds like yet another instance of the incredibly toxic "boys will be boys" attitude; Everything is somehow the daughter's fault. They say she'll waste time and not study with a lock, but what the heck do they think is happening with constant disruptions from her little brothers? They're totally doing it on purpose to bully their older sister. What horrible parents, I feel so bad for the daughter. Unless they fix that situation pronto and actually start disciplining their sons, they can fully expect the daughter to really move out and completely cut them out of her life.
If my kids acted like that you can bet your a*s I'd put a stop to it - I have two older kids (18 and 17) and two younger (8 and 5) and there's no way I would let this happen, they've been taught to respect each other's right to space. Do my younger kids mess about, sure, do they try to gang out with the older ones, sometimes, do they get upset if told no, sure but they wouldn't ever dream of messing with their siblings property or run in and out of their room. I can't believe the parents are letting their kids torture each other, step up and be parents and give the girl a bloody lock to save her sanity and any semblance of a relationship before it's too late
Heard from many westerners that they don't have locks on their doors. Some even said they're not allowed to close their doors. As a south Asian who has locks on even the kitchen door, these things are really confusing.
Load More Replies... I'm willing to bet those boys aren't allowed to play in mom and dads room... shame on those parents. She's going to stay true to her word and leave the house when she's able and they'll end up losing contact with her and then blame her for it. I wish Lara all the luck in the world getting financially stable on her own as soon as possible. I hope her situation gets better <3
Good lord, this woman makes no sense. What a hot mess. No wonder her household is chaos!
OP and husband sound horribly sexist to me. They can control the almost-an-adult girl but not the out-of-control boys? Seriously fŮck that - YTA, OP. That poor daughter of yours! Hopefully she'll move out, get therapy and cut your toxic @sses out of her life.
I moved out of my parents house as soon as I've finished school at 17 because I had no privacy some of it was because of my two younger brother's the worst of it was because of my stepfather. He would go through my things while I was at school, barge into my room when I was getting dressed, barge into the bathroom when I was having a shower... I was told I wasn't entitled to privacy because it was his house.
Ugh, that's horrible. Glad you were able to get out of there that early.
Load More Replies... My goodness, I taught my kids to knock on doors when they started walking. Everyone knocks and wait for a permission. Doesn't matter who it is or what age they are. YTA 100%. How can you not see how much wrong this is? Your husband is no better and I hope your kids don't end-up in prison.
Would normally downvote but this is an exception. Here an upvote
Load More Replies... I agree with all the other comments about your teen needing her space. I was very close with my family, but there were 5 of us kids. I always shared a room and never had any privacy. I moved out as soon as I could just because I like peace and quiet. We are all very close and after I moved out (at 19), I still went home for dinner a couple nights a week. Not everyone craves alone time, but if you do, it’s a real need.
You, her dad and her brothers are all AHs. Put a lock on her door so she can protect her stuff. Start grounding your two brats for harassing her. Y'all are so close to ruining your relationship permanently with your daughter. She will move out as soon as she can and y'all will never see her. Stop making this her problem and parent your two brats and apologize to your daughter NOW!
How does this idiot not see that SHE's the problem? I imagine if she worked from home and they acted like this she'd put a stop to it right quick.
This is just....I am FLOORED by what I just read. OP is 43 years old, same age as me. And yet if she hadn't stated her age, I'd have thought these are the ramblings of a spoiled teenager. OP is VERY stunted in terms of maturity. At no point does she mention anything indicating that she's actively parenting her children. Lara is clearly voice of reason in this dysfunctional household and the message being served by her lazy POS parents is that she is not entitled to privacy, respect, or setting and enforcing personal boundaries even in her own bedroom while the boys are given a wide berth to do as they please without consequences. Think about how dangerous that is when applied to the real world situations Lara will face when she moves out, which will be sooner rather than later. And the boys are getting this exact same message. This is so beyond fūcked I'm out of things to say.
What was the feal with the tea thing? It was written in a way that i could not understand
It's very badly written so I'm guessing there's a missing word. Maybe 'making Kyle tea when he did something he's not allowed to do.' Kyle then says if she promises not to tell he and Ryan won't go into her room again. Yet they did...
Load More Replies... All of the bedroom doors in our house had locks, so I had one from infancy. It was never a problem. We kept the keys on top of the door frames just in case there was an emergency, but didn't ever really need to use them. We hardly ever used the locks themselves. The idea that it might be a problem to have a lock on a 'child's' door is new to me, tbh. What's the problem exactly? Just give the parents access to a copy of the key.
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