“AITA For Not Letting Daughter Go To Music Festival After I Accidentally Saw Her Texts?”
Parenthood is always a heavy burden, no matter how old the children are. When they are still very young, these are sleepless nights, fears for life and health, and problems with misunderstandings. When they grow up – these are sleepless nights waiting for them to come back from a party, fears for their life and health, and problems with misunderstandings – “OK, boomer!” and so on, yeah.
With underage children, it is probably even more difficult – after all, they always know for sure that parents do not understand anything in the modern world, and are offended by almost any manifestation of care, considering it just another kind of total control. And parents, especially if they want to have a good relationship with youngsters, need to find and maintain this fragile balance. After all, they themselves were teenagers so many years ago.
A parenting post recently appeared on the AITA Reddit community, which definitely touched the feelings of redditors. At least as of today it has nearly 12.8K upvotes and 3.8K different comments. Most of the commenters are most likely parents, but there were also representatives of the younger generation.
More info: Reddit
The Original Poster is a single man raising 3 children and his oldest daughter is 16 Y.O.
Image credits: Gary J. Wood (not the actual image)
So, the Original Poster is a single man raising three children, the eldest of whom is sixteen years old. According to the author of the post, their relationship is quite good – at least there is some kind of mutual understanding. The daughter has her own job and recently bought a ticket to a music festival she wants to go to with her friends. And this very festival caused the problem…
Image credits: u/Old-Concept-7207
The father suddenly received his daughter’s text messages on his own phone due to an iCloud glitch
After a glitch in the Apple iCloud on the OP’s smartphone, his oldest daughter’s messages were loaded in push notifications. This happened more than once, and each time, the father simply deleted them from his phone without opening them. But this time his eyes fell on the text of one of the messages, where it was written “we should be able to sneak it in if we hide it well…” The OP snooped and opened the whole thread.
Image credits: u/Old-Concept-7207
The OP discovered that his daughter and her friends decided to smuggle some banned substances into the festival
It turned out that his daughter and her friends were going to smuggle in alcohol, marijuana and something else which they called “molly” (the OP didn’t know what it was, but “molly” is a slang term for ecstasy). As a result, the shocked father simply forbade his daughter to go to the festival.
Image credits: Brian Evans (not the actual image)
Image credits: u/Old-Concept-7207
The father forbade his daughter from going to the festival and refused to reimburse her for $300
The girl, of course, was devastated, but she asked her father to at least reimburse her for the cost of the ticket. However, according to the OP, although he earns enough to provide for his family, he is not ready to just shell out $300 for a lost ticket. As a result, the daughter was very offended and refused to talk to her father at all.
Image credits: davidgljay (not the actual image)
People in the comments told the man that he did everything right and set reasonable rules
On the other hand, the commenters wrote that they fully support the OP, because the girl can think whatever she wants, but now, the dad is just protecting his child and introducing completely reasonable rules. Moreover, at music festivals, unfortunately, incidents related to the illegal smuggling of alcohol and drugs often occur, so it is better to protect a teenager from such problems.
In addition, people in the comments advised the father to contact the parents of the daughter’s friends and tell them what their children have planned. The OP later admitted that he did so, and one of the two parents he spoke to took it better than the other. We still hope that this situation will be resolved for the better, and the older generation will find understanding with the younger one.
If you are interested in stories regarding parents and children, you may also want to read our post on gentle parenting. But in any case, first of all, we are interested in your opinion on this very narrative, so comments, as always, are especially welcome.
Really?Alcohol at 16 is to expected and as a german it would be accepted (in OPs country probably not?), but molly? I would not only not be allowed to go but would have been grounded at least 2 weeks with a stern talking to about drugs.
This is in the US and at 16, it's not expected, at all. I (and my friends) would have been in so much trouble if we were caught drinking at 16.
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NTA, you're the Dad. You did what any Dad ought to do. I would do the same thing, except I would not have offered to make up any shortfall when she resells the ticket. IMO, that'd be the cost of poor judgment - and it's a LOT cheaper than a lot of other consequences she might have faced had she gone to the festival. Perhaps life changing consequences.
Kusotare, I am in complete agreement. My kids would be: A. Not going B. Selling their ticket (they bought it, it's theirs to do with as they please) without any difference adjustment from me C. Grounded D. Having a field trip to the police station to be taught what would have happened had she been caught E. Having a field trip to ER to see the effects of overdosing, taking a drug they don't know, etc. AND volunteering six months at a rehab center or similar
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I was allowed quite a lot of freedom as a teenager because my mother trusted me not to cross the line. If I was going to a festival with friends sneaking ecstasy in, you can bet I wouldn't be going and I would not be getting reimbursed. Paying for her own ticket is not permission to do everything. Giving permission to go to the festival would have been with the trust that she would behave at least somewhat sensibly. It is not unconditional.
No matter what country they're in, no matter what the "normal" age to start drinking is, no matter what your own parents let you do, or what you think is safe or unsafe for a 16 year old... this is HIS child and while he did ask for advice, he ultimately did what he thought was best for his own child.
Yeah I'd tell her she can't go either... yeah it's like teenagers rights of passage to try to sneak stuff like that into parties/gigs/festivals but it's also but it's also part of it to get caught by your parents and told hell no you aren't going
At first I was going to say YTA but with more context, I don't think what you did was wrong, especially because festivals like this have a lot of rape culture.
Accidental pregnancies happen easily and if the daughter is in the U.S. an abortion or miscarriage could land her in prison. Please take care!
as blatantly as it was put out in a text, I would be worried about how long the drugs and drinking has been going on.
This is totally reasonable, and I’m biased considering I’m near OP’s daughter’s age. Alcohol alone wouldn’t have been bad enough to equate this I think but drugs and an outfit that looks like underwear are definitely out of line, especially at a music festival where bad things are likely to happen to girls their age. Obviously outfits aren’t invitations but it’s still dangerous.
1. I was 23 when I went to my first lolla. Got invited onto some tour buses bc the less popular bands will go out searching for girls to take back to the bus and drink with and we'll probably try to have sex with them. 2. You can't trust street drugs anymore. Fentanyl is being put into anything now. I even knew of a drug dealer that was lacing all his drugs with heroin to get ppl addicted. Even weed. I know that sounds weird. But I heard he was "spritzing" it on the weed. (turn into liquid, spray onto weed). Thank God weed is being legalized bc that's just scary. I LOVED rolling. But now, I'm just too scared to even think about it with fentanyl being put into so many diff drugs. That and it's never "the same" bc street ecstasy gets cut with a lot of diff drugs to make it go further. You don't always know what your getting. And at 16 I doubt they are smart enough to test the drugs beforehand. Nta when it comes to saving a life. Esp your own daughters life.
NTA He might've been trying not to picture this happening to his daughter but his reply to the comment were the person knew the festival and describes huge sexual assault problems is...I dunno. "..but how the hell is anyone legitimately having sex in the middle of a jumping/dancing/wild crowd at a music festival." In the comment just above this reply, the person clearly says sexual assault and rape. Having sex is very different. He's clearly not the type to do that, creeps find a way. But yeah, sex and sexual assault are not the same thing.
I just read that the city of Chicago is warning people attending the Lallapaloosa (sp?) concert to bring there own fentanyl test kits and narcan injection kits(available at the library) to this concert because the drugs are often a cause of overdoses.
Have her talk to ER, medics and have them explain the dangers of doing drugs. Maybe the other kids and their parents should go along to understand the dangers.
NTA. She's hanging out with some really bad seeds here. This needs to be a wake up call for your daughter. There are only two paths this kind of behavior leads to - prison or the cemetery. She's out $300 but she needs to be grateful this didn't wreck or end her future. It's time she put her cards on the table and find out what her values are, because in less than two years (her 18th birthday) it could be the end of the road in more ways than one.
This father was 100% right no matter what the festival was...there are a lot of vultures out there. I would suggest discreet chaperones should the situation come up again. At 16 you have no idea how many predators there are out there, I unfortunately speak from experience.
Whilst I believe not letting her go is the right decision, I'd let her gain back her money that is lost now (after all, it was her own), but by actually earning it. For example, taking her to some drug addict group therapy or something and have her talk to addicts and ex addicts that are trying to get away from it so she learns some things
Not to sound like an old fogie but oh well... Kids are growing up faster these days. Some, way too fast, at an unhealthy rate as according to their brain development. It sucks and nothing can be done. I think we will lose the innocence and growth of childhood.
A lot of that is due to technology and access to so much via the internet. The internet is both a positive and a negative. I would have loved having the internet when I was 16/17/18; my life would have taken a different path if I had known about so many things I never knew about pre-internet. But a 13yr old now is vastly different from 13yr old me in the 80s.
Load More Replies... I'm wondering, is it really that unsafe for a teenager to be on a festival? I have visited plenty of them and never had any issues. Neither in large groups, where we had each other's backs nor as a solo female festival goer later on. Was I naive? Has time changed so massively? Is it the German festival culture? Was it the music scene I was in (heavy metal, rock, medieval)? It's hard to wrap my head around that was is described up there.
Times have changed, the scene you're in is different and maybe it's different in America too. I'm not sure about the last one but it is what I've heard
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NTA you areher parent not her friend her parent. We as parents are to protect them, guide them, keep them from hurting themselves, and sometimes discipline them. Be her parent she will thank you some day
There's so much alcohol at festivals, the minimum age to get in should be 21, or at LEAST 18.
It's a tough spot to be in but in my eyes NTA. Kids at that age are all about going along to be part of their peer group with equal poor reasoning skills still developing. There isn't a first time for everything especially drugs and substance use. I've seen great kids in my work who have gone dwnhill rapidly. You rather want her mad at you than having to pick up the pieces of her having had traumatic experiences , which such an environment is ripe for, for the next couple of years. As for the money, part of that was probably used to buy these drugs, losing it was part of her bad decision. I wouldn't replace it as you are teaching her the life consequences of making a bad decision. Informing the other parents is a courtesy not mandatory but something you would have appreciated if foot on the other shoe. Her choice of clothing was for the purpose of eliciting another wrong outcome. Yes it's HER body, but it's also her future that you looking out for. You are taking all the right steps.
Definitely NTA. Being a good and responsible parent is different in the eyes of our kids. The horrible things that could have happened to her are numerous, but the worst - drug overdose and sexual assault - are too common at those types of events. You saved your daughter from a lifetime of trauma.
i wouldnt call you an a**** - You are just a caring dad that doesent want something bad happens to his daugther but on the other side you cant avoid it. Your Daugther wont stop drinking or taking drugs and thats ok as far as she is careful. thats how it is on festivals.... in the 60s it was like that and today its like that. I would be concerned to, but snitching the whole thing will destroy the connection to your daugther and her friends will be mad too because of you. Next time they will make sure that you wont know anything about their plans. So trust me...your daugther will drink, wear underwear and take drugs, but you wont even notice it ;-) thats the problem about this. I was like that too and i was jsut honest with my parents because they didnt judge me...they trusted me and that worked out really good, even with alcohol, sex and drugs ;-)
It's all about the consequences. You are in some ways treating her like a grown up. If we do unwise things and get caught by the authorities, there will be consequences. Yours are much less severe than if she'd been busted by a cop or been swarmed by some teen boys. I know all teens think they can handle whatever happens, but that is often much scarier in real life than they anticipate. I was lucky, I was bookish & nerdy person & knew if there was an invisible splinter in a smooth floor, I'd find it. Never did drugs as I'd have rather had a book. Overdosed Kids were often left in a phone booth in front of the hospital by their friends who would then call the hospital for help. So when my mom, who overheard some teens talking about Woodstock being fun Pretty sure most naive idea ever; no transport, & would have freaked out at conditions. Made her return it, saying I don't think it's for me. Later, we realized I dodged a bullet. At 14, I was def. not ready.
Where on earth did a 16 year old get $300 to waste on a ticket? At 16 I had no money at all and had to do odd jobs to get 'pocket money' ( yes i'm old :p )
I started babysitting at 13, and had several families that booked me on a weekly basis. By the time I was 16, I had over $3,000 in the bank (this was 30 years ago). Also, fast food places in my town are desperate for workers and are starting at $15 per hour.
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NTA, but she should get her money back. After all, she didn't actually do anything wrong, she was just planning it. I think but having to go is punishment enough.
Anyone else suspicious of the "our texts got mixed up" story? Sounds more like snooping
No, has happened to myself and my family. I just returned from holidays with mum, somehow our clouds got connected and she ended up part of my messages to my partner. She also closed it and let me know. It happens, I have never read my man's text messages yet I have access to them, most people don't snoop. But I did open once a message that sounded a bit off. And it totally was a bit off, he wasn't upset that I saw and read. He was upset the way I found out and mortified I knew. These days everyone in the household can get connected. If you want total privacy one most be the sole user of all connection services in the house then everything would be only accessed by one person, but families have tendency to use same connection, cloud, family message, group chats etc. Damn it I listened to music at home, and my man got part of it. I was in an online lecture, and my partner got to sit in the lecture while being 10km from the house at work through his Bluetooth speaker. Nothing sinister
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Just because they did it when they were young, doesn't make it right. There's such a thing as learning from your mistakes and not wanting others to make them
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Really?Alcohol at 16 is to expected and as a german it would be accepted (in OPs country probably not?), but molly? I would not only not be allowed to go but would have been grounded at least 2 weeks with a stern talking to about drugs.
This is in the US and at 16, it's not expected, at all. I (and my friends) would have been in so much trouble if we were caught drinking at 16.
Load More Replies... NTA, you're the Dad. You did what any Dad ought to do. I would do the same thing, except I would not have offered to make up any shortfall when she resells the ticket. IMO, that'd be the cost of poor judgment - and it's a LOT cheaper than a lot of other consequences she might have faced had she gone to the festival. Perhaps life changing consequences.
Kusotare, I am in complete agreement. My kids would be: A. Not going B. Selling their ticket (they bought it, it's theirs to do with as they please) without any difference adjustment from me C. Grounded D. Having a field trip to the police station to be taught what would have happened had she been caught E. Having a field trip to ER to see the effects of overdosing, taking a drug they don't know, etc. AND volunteering six months at a rehab center or similar
Load More Replies... I was allowed quite a lot of freedom as a teenager because my mother trusted me not to cross the line. If I was going to a festival with friends sneaking ecstasy in, you can bet I wouldn't be going and I would not be getting reimbursed. Paying for her own ticket is not permission to do everything. Giving permission to go to the festival would have been with the trust that she would behave at least somewhat sensibly. It is not unconditional.
No matter what country they're in, no matter what the "normal" age to start drinking is, no matter what your own parents let you do, or what you think is safe or unsafe for a 16 year old... this is HIS child and while he did ask for advice, he ultimately did what he thought was best for his own child.
Yeah I'd tell her she can't go either... yeah it's like teenagers rights of passage to try to sneak stuff like that into parties/gigs/festivals but it's also but it's also part of it to get caught by your parents and told hell no you aren't going
At first I was going to say YTA but with more context, I don't think what you did was wrong, especially because festivals like this have a lot of rape culture.
Accidental pregnancies happen easily and if the daughter is in the U.S. an abortion or miscarriage could land her in prison. Please take care!
as blatantly as it was put out in a text, I would be worried about how long the drugs and drinking has been going on.
This is totally reasonable, and I’m biased considering I’m near OP’s daughter’s age. Alcohol alone wouldn’t have been bad enough to equate this I think but drugs and an outfit that looks like underwear are definitely out of line, especially at a music festival where bad things are likely to happen to girls their age. Obviously outfits aren’t invitations but it’s still dangerous.
1. I was 23 when I went to my first lolla. Got invited onto some tour buses bc the less popular bands will go out searching for girls to take back to the bus and drink with and we'll probably try to have sex with them. 2. You can't trust street drugs anymore. Fentanyl is being put into anything now. I even knew of a drug dealer that was lacing all his drugs with heroin to get ppl addicted. Even weed. I know that sounds weird. But I heard he was "spritzing" it on the weed. (turn into liquid, spray onto weed). Thank God weed is being legalized bc that's just scary. I LOVED rolling. But now, I'm just too scared to even think about it with fentanyl being put into so many diff drugs. That and it's never "the same" bc street ecstasy gets cut with a lot of diff drugs to make it go further. You don't always know what your getting. And at 16 I doubt they are smart enough to test the drugs beforehand. Nta when it comes to saving a life. Esp your own daughters life.
NTA He might've been trying not to picture this happening to his daughter but his reply to the comment were the person knew the festival and describes huge sexual assault problems is...I dunno. "..but how the hell is anyone legitimately having sex in the middle of a jumping/dancing/wild crowd at a music festival." In the comment just above this reply, the person clearly says sexual assault and rape. Having sex is very different. He's clearly not the type to do that, creeps find a way. But yeah, sex and sexual assault are not the same thing.
I just read that the city of Chicago is warning people attending the Lallapaloosa (sp?) concert to bring there own fentanyl test kits and narcan injection kits(available at the library) to this concert because the drugs are often a cause of overdoses.
Have her talk to ER, medics and have them explain the dangers of doing drugs. Maybe the other kids and their parents should go along to understand the dangers.
NTA. She's hanging out with some really bad seeds here. This needs to be a wake up call for your daughter. There are only two paths this kind of behavior leads to - prison or the cemetery. She's out $300 but she needs to be grateful this didn't wreck or end her future. It's time she put her cards on the table and find out what her values are, because in less than two years (her 18th birthday) it could be the end of the road in more ways than one.
This father was 100% right no matter what the festival was...there are a lot of vultures out there. I would suggest discreet chaperones should the situation come up again. At 16 you have no idea how many predators there are out there, I unfortunately speak from experience.
Whilst I believe not letting her go is the right decision, I'd let her gain back her money that is lost now (after all, it was her own), but by actually earning it. For example, taking her to some drug addict group therapy or something and have her talk to addicts and ex addicts that are trying to get away from it so she learns some things
Not to sound like an old fogie but oh well... Kids are growing up faster these days. Some, way too fast, at an unhealthy rate as according to their brain development. It sucks and nothing can be done. I think we will lose the innocence and growth of childhood.
A lot of that is due to technology and access to so much via the internet. The internet is both a positive and a negative. I would have loved having the internet when I was 16/17/18; my life would have taken a different path if I had known about so many things I never knew about pre-internet. But a 13yr old now is vastly different from 13yr old me in the 80s.
Load More Replies... I'm wondering, is it really that unsafe for a teenager to be on a festival? I have visited plenty of them and never had any issues. Neither in large groups, where we had each other's backs nor as a solo female festival goer later on. Was I naive? Has time changed so massively? Is it the German festival culture? Was it the music scene I was in (heavy metal, rock, medieval)? It's hard to wrap my head around that was is described up there.
Times have changed, the scene you're in is different and maybe it's different in America too. I'm not sure about the last one but it is what I've heard
Load More Replies... NTA you areher parent not her friend her parent. We as parents are to protect them, guide them, keep them from hurting themselves, and sometimes discipline them. Be her parent she will thank you some day
There's so much alcohol at festivals, the minimum age to get in should be 21, or at LEAST 18.
It's a tough spot to be in but in my eyes NTA. Kids at that age are all about going along to be part of their peer group with equal poor reasoning skills still developing. There isn't a first time for everything especially drugs and substance use. I've seen great kids in my work who have gone dwnhill rapidly. You rather want her mad at you than having to pick up the pieces of her having had traumatic experiences , which such an environment is ripe for, for the next couple of years. As for the money, part of that was probably used to buy these drugs, losing it was part of her bad decision. I wouldn't replace it as you are teaching her the life consequences of making a bad decision. Informing the other parents is a courtesy not mandatory but something you would have appreciated if foot on the other shoe. Her choice of clothing was for the purpose of eliciting another wrong outcome. Yes it's HER body, but it's also her future that you looking out for. You are taking all the right steps.
Definitely NTA. Being a good and responsible parent is different in the eyes of our kids. The horrible things that could have happened to her are numerous, but the worst - drug overdose and sexual assault - are too common at those types of events. You saved your daughter from a lifetime of trauma.
i wouldnt call you an a**** - You are just a caring dad that doesent want something bad happens to his daugther but on the other side you cant avoid it. Your Daugther wont stop drinking or taking drugs and thats ok as far as she is careful. thats how it is on festivals.... in the 60s it was like that and today its like that. I would be concerned to, but snitching the whole thing will destroy the connection to your daugther and her friends will be mad too because of you. Next time they will make sure that you wont know anything about their plans. So trust me...your daugther will drink, wear underwear and take drugs, but you wont even notice it ;-) thats the problem about this. I was like that too and i was jsut honest with my parents because they didnt judge me...they trusted me and that worked out really good, even with alcohol, sex and drugs ;-)
It's all about the consequences. You are in some ways treating her like a grown up. If we do unwise things and get caught by the authorities, there will be consequences. Yours are much less severe than if she'd been busted by a cop or been swarmed by some teen boys. I know all teens think they can handle whatever happens, but that is often much scarier in real life than they anticipate. I was lucky, I was bookish & nerdy person & knew if there was an invisible splinter in a smooth floor, I'd find it. Never did drugs as I'd have rather had a book. Overdosed Kids were often left in a phone booth in front of the hospital by their friends who would then call the hospital for help. So when my mom, who overheard some teens talking about Woodstock being fun Pretty sure most naive idea ever; no transport, & would have freaked out at conditions. Made her return it, saying I don't think it's for me. Later, we realized I dodged a bullet. At 14, I was def. not ready.
Where on earth did a 16 year old get $300 to waste on a ticket? At 16 I had no money at all and had to do odd jobs to get 'pocket money' ( yes i'm old :p )
I started babysitting at 13, and had several families that booked me on a weekly basis. By the time I was 16, I had over $3,000 in the bank (this was 30 years ago). Also, fast food places in my town are desperate for workers and are starting at $15 per hour.
Load More Replies... NTA, but she should get her money back. After all, she didn't actually do anything wrong, she was just planning it. I think but having to go is punishment enough.
Anyone else suspicious of the "our texts got mixed up" story? Sounds more like snooping
No, has happened to myself and my family. I just returned from holidays with mum, somehow our clouds got connected and she ended up part of my messages to my partner. She also closed it and let me know. It happens, I have never read my man's text messages yet I have access to them, most people don't snoop. But I did open once a message that sounded a bit off. And it totally was a bit off, he wasn't upset that I saw and read. He was upset the way I found out and mortified I knew. These days everyone in the household can get connected. If you want total privacy one most be the sole user of all connection services in the house then everything would be only accessed by one person, but families have tendency to use same connection, cloud, family message, group chats etc. Damn it I listened to music at home, and my man got part of it. I was in an online lecture, and my partner got to sit in the lecture while being 10km from the house at work through his Bluetooth speaker. Nothing sinister
Load More Replies... Just because they did it when they were young, doesn't make it right. There's such a thing as learning from your mistakes and not wanting others to make them
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