Woman Upset She Doesn’t Get To Do Anything Special In Husband’s Sister’s Wedding, Despite Her Being A Huge Bully To Sister Back In The Day
The history of mankind knows lots of wise sayings literally for any possible occasion. For example, one piece of wisdom says that you need to forgive those who offended you – especially if they sincerely repented. Other wisdom says that revenge is a meal best served cold.
Unfortunately, we have not been able to find the wisdom that would advise us what to do if two pieces of life advice literally contradict each other, so we will have to make up our own minds about the characters in this story. Like, keep your friends close and your bullies at a distance so they don’t get anything to do at your wedding.
It was shared on the AITA Reddit community, and the original post got over 11.5K upvotes, as well as nearly 1.7K miscellaneous comments. By the way, this narrative itself is another confirmation of how whimsical life can be.
More info: Reddit
The Original Poster decided to make her brother her fiance’s groomsman in her upcoming wedding
Image credits: freeflight046 (not the actual image)
So, the Original Poster is about to get married and has decided to invite her own brother as a groomsman. Quite a logical solution and, it would seem, what is the problem here? But there is, and it’s a considerable one – the fact is that the brother’s wife, Gemma, studied in the same school with the OP as a child and turned her school years into a real nightmare.
Image credits: u/PrincessBridley21
Her brother is married to the OP’s former classmate who used to bully her constantly in the past
As Gemma herself later admitted in a conversation with the OP, she had big problems in her family, which she took out on a poor classmate. Gemma constantly insulted the OP, mocked and teased her, played big and small dirty tricks, eventually bringing the girl to a nervous breakdown.
Moreover, due to constant panic attacks, OP finally finished high school at home, and doctors later diagnosed her with depressive disorder.
Image credits: u/PrincessBridley21
After facing a lot of mental problems, Gemma ended up trying to become a better person
We must say that Gemma’s own problems also did not go away, and a few years after graduation, everything ended up with a breakdown. The OP’s brother met the woman some time later, when she was working hard to be a better person, realizing her own shortcomings. They started dating and then got married.
Image credits: John Benson ( not the actual image)
Then, four years ago, the OP was shocked by the very fact of the marriage of her brother and Gemma, taking it almost as a betrayal. True, Gemma must be given credit – she found the strength to talk to the OP, admit that she acted like a jerk, and sincerely ask for forgiveness. Formally, the women reconciled, but the OP still understood that they would never be close.
Image credits: u/PrincessBridley21
The OP refused to invite Gemma as her bridesmaid and her brother was extremely offended with this decision
And so, when the wedding was approaching, the OP reluctantly invited Gemma, but as an ordinary guest, nothing more. Her brother, having learned about this, was extremely offended and said that Gemma should be a bridesmaid – otherwise they show her that she is not a member of the family.
Image credits: u/PrincessBridley21
Only OP’s father stood up for her as the family called her out
The man was supported by the OP’s mother, while the father stood up for his daughter, stating that after what Gemma had done in the past, even taking her apology into account, she should be grateful that she was invited at all. As a result, as the OP notes, her dad also fell into disgrace with the rest of the family.
Image credits: micadew (not the actual image)
Commenters told the OP that it’s up to her and her fiance only to decide to whom to give roles in their wedding
However, people in the comments massively defended the OP, emphasizing that this, after all, is her own wedding, and it is up to her and her fiancé to decide who will be given roles at the ceremony and who will not. They also supported the OP’s father as the only, apparently, understanding person in the whole big family.
As for Gemma, even taking into account her sincere repentance and apologies, if she really became a better person, she should realize that she’s unlikely to be able to establish relations with the OP, whom she had harmed so much in the past. Commenters hope that Gemma would understand this.
We also hope that you will not refrain from commenting to express your opinion about this narrative. After all, a wise man once said that commenting on a post is a meal best served anytime.
Forgiveness doesn't mean the perpetrator doesn't have to pay the consequences of their actions. She hasnt earned OP's trust so therefore she can stew in her non-bridemaid role and maybe that'll contribute to her becoming a better person. Atoning for bullying takes work and pain.
Oh Honey, your wedding just gained extra seats to invite maybe your favourite barista, and work colleagues you're friendly with. So much extra space. Love your dad! Take him, let him walk you down the isle and leave out anybody who has an issue with Your Decision on Your Wedding day. You deserve better, and part of becoming an adult is to understand that family doesn't mean good people who love you unconditionally and support you, most of us have toxic families, understand you can cut ties and not feel bad. Choose.your circle.wisely, otherwise you will be pulled through that c**p all your life reminding you of your bad decision, and unfriendly attitude towards brother's wife. I cancelled my whole wedding because of this, and cut out everyone except mom. Still together, but a lot happier. I am zero contact, mom doesn't discuss me, and as far as the family is concerned I died 2010. Make your life yours!- at the end of the path you will regret giving time and space to the undeserving
Given your "parents'" dad AND mom sent you to a different school to avoid the bullying and support you while the pain lessen and recovered, I'm baffled by your mom's stand on this. That woman played stupid games and got stupid prizes, one of which is the consequences of non-forgiveness at this moment. No 'girl' envisions her big day as being pushed into giving in to an unreasonable interaction. The better woman would 'know' to stay home while 'supporting' the family. The time is always right to do the right thing. It may be the way to bring unity to the family. My dil is a beast to me, I do not go to visit her and my son 13 hours away with the rest of the family. Silence can't be misquoted nor can poor behavior be criticized. (she projects everything I do as being 'wrong') .
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She was invited to the wedding (which costs money) and brother and wife she be grateful for that much of a compromise, I honestly can't say I'd be so generous considering the history there. That (former bully) should offer to pay for some of OP's therapy considering how much she contributed to damaging her mental health!
The pain of being bullied as a child is *always* deep inside. Even with an apology from the bully, the person who was bullied will never forget it. I was bullied in school & at home, and it 100% shaped who I have been all my life up to & including now. I hope OP & her father stand their ground. The SIL has not earned a place at the altar.
Ma'am, your own *sister* is not _owed_ a Bridesmaid spot, what makes your brother and his wife think an *in-law* is _owed_ a spot in your Wedding Party? Even if your SiL is genuinely contrite and is legitimately sorry for the Hell she put you through...you have (as yet) no relationship with her, and spots in the Wedding Party are for Near and Dear, not hardly known or barely tolerated. Trust, friendship, and care are EARNED, and she has yet to do so.
If she meant what she said then she should understand why she isn't in the wedding. She doesn't have to like it and it probably hurts. But part of the change is accepting that not everyone will forgive and/or forget and that this is the consequence of her actions. You can feel sorry for the kid w/o being her friend now
Even if Gemma was an ordinary family member, it still doesn't mean she's entitled to be a bridesmaid.
Definity NTA and I'm glad at least the dad is standing by her. To be bullied so much that you had to resort to homeschool is not something that a measly apology can fix
It doesn't say how long her brother has been married for, if it's been a few years and they still don't get on then surely an invite was enough. You never really get over being bullied as a child, it shapes you into being the person you grow up to be. Her wedding day should be one of her most precious memories to build on and remember and having the person who persecuted you in your early years there on that special day in a position where she will be in the Photographs especially as a Bridesmaid would be a nightmare. Her Father lived through all that pain with her, it's his day as well as hers.. the day when his little girl gets married. Was she a bridesmaid at her brothers' wedding to the bully? Was she even asked to be one? If no then forget about it and the people causing a fuss .. if so ... then that would be a whole different battle to work through
I've had several experiences where someone treated me badly, then expressed regret for it to my spouse, a family member, or a mutual friend. It's infuriating because I never got an apology, and yet I feel like I'm supposed to completely forgive and forget because I'm getting second-hand reports that the offender "feels bad." If you really want to apologize to someone, you need to address them directly, and to recognize that the injured person isn't obligated to instantly let go of their hurt feelings and act as if it never happened.
I agree. Who knew that bullies could be so frightened of actually apologizing face-to-face to their victims.
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Sounds like Dad's a good man, brother and others are deluded, and soon to be SIL is still bullying her in a way. Time for some "Malicious Compliance"! Since future SIL needs to play a small part in the wedding let her park cars and stay in the parking area to help folks get in and out... Penance!
F**k that. I'd disown any sibling of mine who knowingly dated my tormentor.
Have one or two assholes from back in school. They come crawling out of the woodwork and ask forgivness so they can feel all better about themselves. F**k you. Treat me (and others) like s**t for years in school, then no contact for years and out of the blue you only contact me to feel better about yourself. F**k you, - - - not that I have any strong feelings on the subject
Even better reply... "I'm sorry, I have no idea who you are, I have no recollection of you at all." Cowardly PoS's like this, it's all about ego. Few will genuinely change, and if they want forgiveness, they have to earn it. A call out of the blue is more likely to trigger an episode than generate forgiveness in a victim...and in some cases, this is what they want!
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I would take this even further. If Gemma truly felt remorse and understood what she put the OP through, she would have graciously thanked OP for the invitation to her wedding but respectfully declined as she would not want to make OP's special day difficult for OP with her presence. She would buy OP a thoughtful, meaningful, personal wedding gift (without seeking any advice about what to buy) and write a lovely card wishing them a happy marriage etc. without any pretence about OP forgiving/forgetting Gemma's behaviour. That would have shown true empathy, care, consideration and remorse.
The SIL compromised OP's health and sanity. What she did was criminal and she's lucky she isn't facing charges. She shouldn't even be allowed at the wedding! In fact, only the father should be invited. The rest of your family are AHs. Good luck, OP. Sorry for what you had to go through. This is your day. Make it known.
Reading this, I don't get the feeling that this Gemma person is asking to be included as a bridesmaid or whatever, it feels like the brother and mom are pushing OP to forget what happened and play happy family and accept Gemma as a sister, while OP and Gemma have no say in the matter, might just be me though
Noone can tell you that you have to forgive someone, muhc less like them. It's enough that you tolerate her. But I gotta say, this American groomsmen, bridesmaid nonsense sounds like a total pita. One each, is all everybody really needs. their original purposse is to act as witnesses, not human decoration.
My middle school/high school bully apologized to me when I ran in to him during college. I appreciate that he understands what he did was awful but I have absolutely no obligation to forgive him. And I don't. That's my right. He tortured me for 6 years. An apology doesn't change that, no matter how sincere it is.
There's a difference between forgiving someone and inviting them to be a bridesmaid at your wedding. A bridesmaid is someone who is close to the bride, and this person (Gemma) will never be that, regardless of whether she has been forgiven. So live and let live, but you should never feel an obligation to treat this person like your best friend.
So now everyone else (except your Dad) is trying to bully you into incorporating your bully into your wedding? No one but your Dad sees this? So NTA.
It's good that she apologized, but she doesn't get to demand anything from anyone.
When I married 28 years ago, I had 2 cousins, 9 & 11, as flower girls and my husband had his brother as Best Man. His girlfriend was not part of the group, she had a 3 yr old to look after. She told my MIL on our wedding day that we wouldn’t last. She married my BIL 9 months after us, they have been divorced for years.
Was OP at her brother's wedding to Gemma? I imagine some drama leading up to that too.
The worst thing that can happen between a person and their former tormentor is for other people to interfere and tell the victim "Get over it." Bullying causes a lot of damage that can last for decades. you can't just wave a magic wand in the form of an apology and have it all swept away. It's gracious of you to even allow her to attend the wedding as a guest. And WTF was your brother thinking marrying his sister's tormentor? It's the equivalent of your sister marrying your rapist. Thank you, dear brother, for making every future family gathering uncomfortable and awkward! SMH
If Gemma was a better person she wouldn't try and force herself onto the OP. A better person would realize they frailed up, understand the best thing to do is be a gracious guest. The brother is a turd for not pulling his wife aside and explaining to her, why she's wrong. The dad is a golden. The OP should have her wedding and if folks don't like her decisions, they are welcome to not attend.
Your brother's marrying white trash. He can sit out your wedding, too, is he insane? How about you dig up someone from his past, someone he bullied or treated badly, and invite him to their wedding as your +2. Family be cool with that? Sweet mercy. The downsides to a wedding between two people, an officiant and a witness are ZEE. ROH.
Forgiveness doesn't mean the perpetrator doesn't have to pay the consequences of their actions. She hasnt earned OP's trust so therefore she can stew in her non-bridemaid role and maybe that'll contribute to her becoming a better person. Atoning for bullying takes work and pain.
Oh Honey, your wedding just gained extra seats to invite maybe your favourite barista, and work colleagues you're friendly with. So much extra space. Love your dad! Take him, let him walk you down the isle and leave out anybody who has an issue with Your Decision on Your Wedding day. You deserve better, and part of becoming an adult is to understand that family doesn't mean good people who love you unconditionally and support you, most of us have toxic families, understand you can cut ties and not feel bad. Choose.your circle.wisely, otherwise you will be pulled through that c**p all your life reminding you of your bad decision, and unfriendly attitude towards brother's wife. I cancelled my whole wedding because of this, and cut out everyone except mom. Still together, but a lot happier. I am zero contact, mom doesn't discuss me, and as far as the family is concerned I died 2010. Make your life yours!- at the end of the path you will regret giving time and space to the undeserving
Given your "parents'" dad AND mom sent you to a different school to avoid the bullying and support you while the pain lessen and recovered, I'm baffled by your mom's stand on this. That woman played stupid games and got stupid prizes, one of which is the consequences of non-forgiveness at this moment. No 'girl' envisions her big day as being pushed into giving in to an unreasonable interaction. The better woman would 'know' to stay home while 'supporting' the family. The time is always right to do the right thing. It may be the way to bring unity to the family. My dil is a beast to me, I do not go to visit her and my son 13 hours away with the rest of the family. Silence can't be misquoted nor can poor behavior be criticized. (she projects everything I do as being 'wrong') .
Load More Replies... She was invited to the wedding (which costs money) and brother and wife she be grateful for that much of a compromise, I honestly can't say I'd be so generous considering the history there. That (former bully) should offer to pay for some of OP's therapy considering how much she contributed to damaging her mental health!
The pain of being bullied as a child is *always* deep inside. Even with an apology from the bully, the person who was bullied will never forget it. I was bullied in school & at home, and it 100% shaped who I have been all my life up to & including now. I hope OP & her father stand their ground. The SIL has not earned a place at the altar.
Ma'am, your own *sister* is not _owed_ a Bridesmaid spot, what makes your brother and his wife think an *in-law* is _owed_ a spot in your Wedding Party? Even if your SiL is genuinely contrite and is legitimately sorry for the Hell she put you through...you have (as yet) no relationship with her, and spots in the Wedding Party are for Near and Dear, not hardly known or barely tolerated. Trust, friendship, and care are EARNED, and she has yet to do so.
If she meant what she said then she should understand why she isn't in the wedding. She doesn't have to like it and it probably hurts. But part of the change is accepting that not everyone will forgive and/or forget and that this is the consequence of her actions. You can feel sorry for the kid w/o being her friend now
Even if Gemma was an ordinary family member, it still doesn't mean she's entitled to be a bridesmaid.
Definity NTA and I'm glad at least the dad is standing by her. To be bullied so much that you had to resort to homeschool is not something that a measly apology can fix
It doesn't say how long her brother has been married for, if it's been a few years and they still don't get on then surely an invite was enough. You never really get over being bullied as a child, it shapes you into being the person you grow up to be. Her wedding day should be one of her most precious memories to build on and remember and having the person who persecuted you in your early years there on that special day in a position where she will be in the Photographs especially as a Bridesmaid would be a nightmare. Her Father lived through all that pain with her, it's his day as well as hers.. the day when his little girl gets married. Was she a bridesmaid at her brothers' wedding to the bully? Was she even asked to be one? If no then forget about it and the people causing a fuss .. if so ... then that would be a whole different battle to work through
I've had several experiences where someone treated me badly, then expressed regret for it to my spouse, a family member, or a mutual friend. It's infuriating because I never got an apology, and yet I feel like I'm supposed to completely forgive and forget because I'm getting second-hand reports that the offender "feels bad." If you really want to apologize to someone, you need to address them directly, and to recognize that the injured person isn't obligated to instantly let go of their hurt feelings and act as if it never happened.
I agree. Who knew that bullies could be so frightened of actually apologizing face-to-face to their victims.
Load More Replies... Sounds like Dad's a good man, brother and others are deluded, and soon to be SIL is still bullying her in a way. Time for some "Malicious Compliance"! Since future SIL needs to play a small part in the wedding let her park cars and stay in the parking area to help folks get in and out... Penance!
F**k that. I'd disown any sibling of mine who knowingly dated my tormentor.
Have one or two assholes from back in school. They come crawling out of the woodwork and ask forgivness so they can feel all better about themselves. F**k you. Treat me (and others) like s**t for years in school, then no contact for years and out of the blue you only contact me to feel better about yourself. F**k you, - - - not that I have any strong feelings on the subject
Even better reply... "I'm sorry, I have no idea who you are, I have no recollection of you at all." Cowardly PoS's like this, it's all about ego. Few will genuinely change, and if they want forgiveness, they have to earn it. A call out of the blue is more likely to trigger an episode than generate forgiveness in a victim...and in some cases, this is what they want!
Load More Replies... I would take this even further. If Gemma truly felt remorse and understood what she put the OP through, she would have graciously thanked OP for the invitation to her wedding but respectfully declined as she would not want to make OP's special day difficult for OP with her presence. She would buy OP a thoughtful, meaningful, personal wedding gift (without seeking any advice about what to buy) and write a lovely card wishing them a happy marriage etc. without any pretence about OP forgiving/forgetting Gemma's behaviour. That would have shown true empathy, care, consideration and remorse.
The SIL compromised OP's health and sanity. What she did was criminal and she's lucky she isn't facing charges. She shouldn't even be allowed at the wedding! In fact, only the father should be invited. The rest of your family are AHs. Good luck, OP. Sorry for what you had to go through. This is your day. Make it known.
Reading this, I don't get the feeling that this Gemma person is asking to be included as a bridesmaid or whatever, it feels like the brother and mom are pushing OP to forget what happened and play happy family and accept Gemma as a sister, while OP and Gemma have no say in the matter, might just be me though
Noone can tell you that you have to forgive someone, muhc less like them. It's enough that you tolerate her. But I gotta say, this American groomsmen, bridesmaid nonsense sounds like a total pita. One each, is all everybody really needs. their original purposse is to act as witnesses, not human decoration.
My middle school/high school bully apologized to me when I ran in to him during college. I appreciate that he understands what he did was awful but I have absolutely no obligation to forgive him. And I don't. That's my right. He tortured me for 6 years. An apology doesn't change that, no matter how sincere it is.
There's a difference between forgiving someone and inviting them to be a bridesmaid at your wedding. A bridesmaid is someone who is close to the bride, and this person (Gemma) will never be that, regardless of whether she has been forgiven. So live and let live, but you should never feel an obligation to treat this person like your best friend.
So now everyone else (except your Dad) is trying to bully you into incorporating your bully into your wedding? No one but your Dad sees this? So NTA.
It's good that she apologized, but she doesn't get to demand anything from anyone.
When I married 28 years ago, I had 2 cousins, 9 & 11, as flower girls and my husband had his brother as Best Man. His girlfriend was not part of the group, she had a 3 yr old to look after. She told my MIL on our wedding day that we wouldn’t last. She married my BIL 9 months after us, they have been divorced for years.
Was OP at her brother's wedding to Gemma? I imagine some drama leading up to that too.
The worst thing that can happen between a person and their former tormentor is for other people to interfere and tell the victim "Get over it." Bullying causes a lot of damage that can last for decades. you can't just wave a magic wand in the form of an apology and have it all swept away. It's gracious of you to even allow her to attend the wedding as a guest. And WTF was your brother thinking marrying his sister's tormentor? It's the equivalent of your sister marrying your rapist. Thank you, dear brother, for making every future family gathering uncomfortable and awkward! SMH
If Gemma was a better person she wouldn't try and force herself onto the OP. A better person would realize they frailed up, understand the best thing to do is be a gracious guest. The brother is a turd for not pulling his wife aside and explaining to her, why she's wrong. The dad is a golden. The OP should have her wedding and if folks don't like her decisions, they are welcome to not attend.
Your brother's marrying white trash. He can sit out your wedding, too, is he insane? How about you dig up someone from his past, someone he bullied or treated badly, and invite him to their wedding as your +2. Family be cool with that? Sweet mercy. The downsides to a wedding between two people, an officiant and a witness are ZEE. ROH.
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