Man Contacts Ex Asking Her To Reconsider After She Refused To Change Her Surname When His New Wife Demanded Her To Do So
Whether you’re those high school sweethearts who’ve been together for what seems like an eternity, a couple with kids, or someone who’s been in a relationship for only a few months – breakups are never easy.
When there’re no obligations involved, it can be hard to accept the idea that you’re now going to have to build a new life; yet you know that sooner or later, you’ll be able to concentrate on your “grief” and focus on your own happiness to help yourself move on. However, when you have a family and you decide to separate, this is where things can get pretty challenging.
The majority will agree that maintaining a healthy relationship for the sake of your children is the number-one priority for those who choose to co-parent. Yet, it also means that you will eventually have to communicate with your ex’s new partner, and chances are that most of the time, you’ll wish you didn’t have to.
More info: Reddit
Just because you’re trying to maintain a healthy relationship with your ex, it doesn’t mean that their new partner is willing to do the same
Image source: Petra Mafalda (not the actual photo)
“AITA for not changing my name?” – this online user turned to one of Reddit’s popular communities wondering whether she was wrong for refusing to change her current surname to her maiden name after her ex-husband’s new wife demanded her to. The post has managed to receive 5.5K upvotes and 797 comments discussing the situation.
This man’s wife demands his ex change her surname, she refuses and wonders if she’s a jerk
Image source: namechangethrowaway0
The author began her story by revealing that she and her ex-partner got divorced 12 years ago; together they have two children and share custody. The woman said that they have a great co-parenting relationship and have had zero issues since the divorce.
Five years ago, her ex met his now wife, and they got along pretty well. She’s a wonderful stepmother to the children and treats them like they’re her own.
The spouses got divorced over a decade ago and are currently co-parenting
Image source: namechangethrowaway0
The OP, on the other hand, has remained single by choice, as she spends most of her time working or taking care of her kids; although she added that she dates occasionally, she never looks for anything serious.
Now, her ex and his new partner got married a couple of weeks ago and the author was pumped for them, thinking it was fantastic that they’d finally made it official.
Once the couple made their relationship official, the man’s new wife texted his ex, asking her to go back to her maiden name
Image source: namechangethrowaway0
However, recently she received a questionable text message from her ex’s wife. The woman said that since they’ve tied the knot, it’s probably the right time for the OP to change her surname, as there can only be one Mrs. (the guy’s last name).
Naturally, the author replied saying that she was a tad confused by this peculiar request, yet the new partner stood her ground.
The OP said that she and her ex agreed that changing her surname would cost a lot of nerves, so they decided that she would keep it
The woman later received a call from her ex-husband, wondering why his wife was upset
Image source: namechangethrowaway0
The author said that she and her ex-spouse have been divorced for over 12 years, and the reason she didn’t change the name was due to all the certificates and licenses. Updating the documents is a huge hassle, and the former partners agreed that she would keep his surname to avoid all the stress of having to do that.
Once again, the new wife wouldn’t back off and demanded the woman change the name immediately.
The OP decided not to respond to the last text – however, a few minutes later, her ex-husband reached out, wondering why his wife was upset. The OP sent him the screenshots of the texts and told him that the conversation was highly immature. The man suggested that maybe she should change her name so he wouldn’t have to deal with the drama. The author refused once again, reminding him that they’d agreed that she’d keep it while they were processing their divorce.
The guy said that she was making his life “difficult” and that he wished she would reconsider
Image source: namechangethrowaway0
The woman then added that she has zero romantic feelings for him and that the reason she’s maintaining a good relationship is purely because of their children. She told her ex that they are their priority and that they need to get along to raise them well – moreover, changing her name won’t change the fact that she’s still his ex-wife.
The man said that she was “making his life difficult” and that he wished she would reconsider.
Moreover, at the time the post was uploaded, the courts were only hearing emergent matters
Image source: namechangethrowaway0
Sometime later, the author decided to update the post. She said that the fact that she and her children share the same surname also plays a big role, plus she’d have to have a formal court hearing with a judge and have a signed and sealed decree to then change it at the DMV and social security.
Since the post was uploaded in the midst of the pandemic, the OP mentioned that the courts were closed for obvious reasons and were only hearing critical matters. Also, the process is bound to be financially burdening, so it made sense why she didn’t want to go through it.
Image source: namechangethrowaway0
Image source: Rex Roof (not the actual photo)
Lastly, for everyone who was curious, she said that the reason for the divorce was infidelity. She was working multiple jobs while also putting herself through school, and the man felt “ignored” and decided to cheat.
Fellow Reddit users shared their opinions on this matter
273Kviews
Share on FacebookWho does she think she is, the Highlander? "There can be only one!"?? I think the OP is doing extraordinarily well by the ex, especially considering he cheated on her. She could be MUCH meaner and more vindictive.
I agree with you! I'd also like to add this question.......Is the ex, and his family, the ONLY people in the world with his surname?? For all the world knows, her current surname IS her maiden name. More so, no one asks the history of your surname, i.e., is that your maiden name, your ex's (?) surname, etc. My last name is Smith. I was widowed in 2000 after 14 years of marriage. Deceased husband was very emotionally and sexually abusive toward me, unbeknownst to ANY one except for one person. Had he not died from cancer, we would be divorced. I, like the OP, would've, and did, keep the "Smith" name because of professional credentials, whether we parted through divorce or death. It's such a common name that I don't care. I only on rare occasions think of him when I sign my last name. OP should ignore new wife and ex, when this is brought up. It's THEIR problem, NOT hers!! I'm sorry my post was so long! Please forgive my venting!
Load More Replies...If ex husband's mom is still alive, she'd need to change her name too! Because after all, there can only be one Mrs. (Ex's last name).
What about the wives of his brothers if he has any? Did they get the ultimatum as well?
Load More Replies...It's funny I didn't take my husband's last name (he didn't care), I already had/have my own. My husband's ex kept his last name. They married in their mid twenties. She built her professional self with that name. It makes so much sense that she'd want/need to keep it. Sometimes, we joke about me not having his last name and her still having it. It seems like a whole lotta work to be upset about any of it.
My friend has been married 3 times, his ex wives and current wife use his last name (a bit of an unusual surname even), zero issues among them!
Load More Replies...My ex demanded this. I said NO. It’s my daughters last name as well. So he got in a snit and went to all the cost of changing HIS last name to something else. Whatever buddy.
Why didn't you give your daughter your own last name? After all, you were the one who grew and carried her till birth, not him
Load More Replies...Guess the ex is now attracted to crazy! The new wife needs to chill. If you're going to marry a divorced guy, you have to accept that there was a previous wife, and what that woman does is her business.
The number of trauma-laden horror stories that come from someone not accepting a previous spouse/kids is just heartbreaking. A cousin's new step-family never allowed her to be in any "family" pictures, and would say things like "this is just for the Smith family!" and make her wait off to one side while they took a whole bunch of happy "family" pictures or opened "family" gifts. She was under 10. Another one of my cousins tried to have her wedding pictures photoshopped to remove her new husband's son from a previous relationship. Tension between new partners and exes is one thing, but when adults do this to innocent kids who have no choice in the matter, it's inexcusable.
Load More Replies...It's very uncommon for professionals to change their names, especially if they've published anything.
This (published scientific articles) is why my best friend didn’t change his last name, while giving his children an unwieldy hyphenated name. I assured him that the *ones* of people who follow his publishing career would have figured out he was the same person with a new last name but alas.
Load More Replies...Wow. New wife can't erase the past, her new hubby has an ex-wife and she knew that. Asking once is a bit over the line, but when the answer is "no", it's "no". The "you will ___" makes me dig my heels in.
Yeah, I think I would have had to respond to her with a laughing emoji for that one.
Load More Replies...What a total nut job the 'newer' wife sounds. After my divorce I kept my husbands' surname for the exact same reason, we had two young children at the time and I wanted them to have the security of knowing I was still the same person and Mother they always knew. All my documents, bills, passport, etc had my surname on, I saw no reason to change them unless I ever got married again. The newer 'Mrs' obviously has issues I just hope she doesn't take it out on the children. God help if they have kids of their own it's a disaster just waiting to happen
Unless that is part of her 'sick' game, to take over the role of Mrs. X child's parent (not step) as if only one Mrs. Joe Popper can 'claim' the responsibility of minor daughter.
Load More Replies...The only thing that would be "Immediately"is that my fur would have been up at the demand of "You will change your name immediately."
I think she should change her name immediately! She should change her *first* name to New Wife's first name. But then again I like to be obnoxious and petty. Smiley face.
Load More Replies...Well... Honestly if she is making such a ruckus for really nothing then she should pay all expenses for IT, i wouldn't Change my Name for such BS but if it really comes to the worst Outcome just bill her
Please don't tell me she's so delusional to think that no one else in the world shared her last name- there's a small chance but since it wasn't explicitly mentioned as a rare last name, I doubt that. And does she expect every woman who shares her last name to change theirs too? NTA
Any time someone says you "should just ___," you KNOW some serious b******t is about to happen. My mom kept reverting back to her first married name after her divorces instead of her original surname because she said she wanted to have the same last name as her kids. My father's 3rd wife had a bit of a strop like this over it, too. She was an insecure 19 year old, for starters, and really resented our existence.
So there can only *EVER* be ONE Mrs Ex's surname? What the hell should her mother-in-law be referred to as, since presumably she is Mrs Ex's surname in order to give him that name in the first place (along with the FIL of course). New Wife has massive jealousy issues. It wouldnt surprise me if she tried to usurp with the children too - one readymade family (unless she'll lean hard in the other direction and make them change their surnames too to keep from confusing when she has her own)
There IS only one Mrs Surname, sounds like OP is Dr. Surname.
Load More Replies...Why the hell women still change their last name? They are no longer father's or husband's possession.
Choice. My partner has a better surname and I wanted my family to have the same surname. Not hyphenated either.
Load More Replies...You aren’t making things hard for him, the new wife is. Tell him that this is his problem and you don’t want to be in the middle of his marital disputes. Then refuse to engage on the topic further.
The name belongs to the person who has it. If you choose to take your husband’s surname it becomes yours too. If you divorce then it’s yours to keep or dispose of, no one gets to tell you how you should go about that. You and your name are never a possession, you are a partner in a relationship, your significant other has no right to control you either during or after the relationship.
Like I told my ex when his new (now ex) wife was giving him grief over their visitation with our kids (apparently one weekend a month with them was too much for her)..."YOUR wife is not MY problem. You deal with her and don't drag me into it".
Wow. How selfish can you be, if one weekend a month is too much.
Load More Replies...I work at a court, in an office where name changes are processed. Even when your divorce decree states that you may, many agencies won't allow you to simply switch back to your maiden without a court order and it's a very tedious process. I've had several divorcees initially adamant about changing their name drop the issue altogether once they see how much work is actually involved. I doubt ex hubby and wifey would be willing to compensate her for her time (because she will absolutely need to take off time from work to do all this). Husband should just change his name to new wife's name if it's that important to them.
I say that she should cave to her demands and change her name. Not her last name, but her first and middle name... to the current wife.
Kind of like the T.V. show "The New Adventures of Old Christine". Then she'd have a 'ring' in this 3 ring circus with the 2 monkeys. or leave the circus & monkeys for him to deal with solely. hee hee hee.
Load More Replies...I'm a Dutch national, they don't recognise a woman's married name. The best I could have was Miss A, spouse of Mr B on my passport. We separated in 2012, divorce was finalised in 2014 (I think) when I had my new passport done in 2019, I could have had Miss A, ex spouse of Mr B. I chose to stay with just my maiden name, even though I absolutely hate it because it's my step father's name and he was an asshat ...
I'd change my name if he paid for everything and if he paid for my name to be added to the kids' names.
I'd still beg for the couple to get professional help, as it would be cheaper and less hassle for it only deals with the 2 who have the 'problem' with it, otherwise, there's 3 extra involved who doesn't need to be.
Load More Replies...NTA! My mum kept dad's name after divorce, and kept it after she remarried, and later when he remarried. So my mum a widow is still using her first husband's name, and it's because of ME the shared daughter they had. Same as dad's first wife kept the last name and so did all of his 5kids. Because it makes travelling easier, but also dealing with schools, government departments, doctor etc. If you have the same last name nobody is questioning your relationship to the child. If divorce happens before kids and professional career by all means change it. But after having children together, they should have a same name as the parent they're living with. The new wife might feel whatever she wants but at the end of the day their relationship isn't built on a name, unless she married only for the name. My dad's all 3 wives kept the name. Us children got always to travel with different mum, while dad and others were working. It's a Family Name
my parents got divorced more than 15 years ago, and my mom kept the same last name as her kids, the only reason she didn't go back to her maiden name. She also limited interaction with my father for us kids. No step mom of mine ordered the name changes, because there is too many with our last name because my father is a cheating jerk.
OP, there are probably thousands of people in the world with your same last name. Does the new wife want them all to change it, too? I wouldn't let her around your kids if possible. She sounds unhinged, and your ex isn't standing up to her.
NTA, if he never had cheated on you in the first place, you wouldn't be divorced and there wouldn't be drama in the now. His problem, he started this long long time ago.
Well the ex's marriage isn't going to last much longer. People who do stupid c**p like this are doomed to be alone in the end
Tell them new wife should put a hiphon between her maiden and his. Once they realize the cost they will stfu. She doesn't want to have the same last name? Then she changes it. Her problem is not yours to solve.
My mother and father divorced when I was 7 years old. My mother kept her married name (Glickman) for similar reasons, her professional licensing as well as keeping the same name as her children. When my mother married my stepfather (Williams), nearly 30 years ago, not only did she decide to hyphenate her last name, but so did my stepfather. My mother and stepfather for the last 30 years have both been Glickman-Williams.
if she wants it changed so badly her ex and his wife should pitch in the cost of changing everything that needs changing. ( not sayig she should do it ) but if she does decide to do it. They should compensate her for the name changes and what goes with it.
Isn't OP technically Ms./Miss [ex's last name], but not Mrs. [ex's last name]?
Not necessarily, I’m not aware of any legal requirement to switch to Miss or Ms post-divorce. In any case, we think OP is probably Dr. Last name, which would be what she uses instead of Mrs.
Load More Replies...Screw her and I definitely wouldn't change it. I've been divorced and kept name to have same as our kids and for professional reasons as well it's lot of work to change if you don't immediately atvtime of divorce. She can't tell you that and doesn't erase your marriage. Sounds like she has personal issue and not yours to deal with your ex needs to get her under control and keep her from harassing you on dumb stuff. There are many reasons why you may want to keep name and no one's business. My exhusband cheated and now with the woman and got her pregnant we where married 20 yrs and have 3 kids and I'm not changing name and don't give damn what she would ever think or anyone else for that matter. People are seriously nuts 🙄 and need better things to do in life. Probably same type of woman that thinks having his baby makes him more hers cause he has kids with someone else. Some women are so immature and narcissistic and trying everything to lock a man down. Lol and he still will cheat
I'm sorry that the OP felt the need to try to justify telling this witch to EFF off. It doesn't matter if it only cost $4 to change all your professional stuff. It doesn't matter if you had zero kids. It wouldn't matter if you could wave a wand and make it so. It's your name. You owe he no explanation. None. Don't grope around for reasons why you had to make sure you're correct. Ignore her. And your ex. Ask her if she also wants you to get rid of his tattoo which is over your pubic bone in floral, with roses? Let her bring that up to him and let them fight about that >;)
I might have been more sympathetic to New Wife if she weren't such a childish a -hole about the matter. But the ridiculous texting and whining - Nah, she good. And pragmatically speaking, that sounds like a lot of hassle when the Ex keeping the last name is more convenient for pretty much everyone else. On top of that, New Wife may be coming from a place of jealousy and insecurity. I'm not trying to be an a*****e with that accusation, but the Ex is always going to be part of New Wife's life because the Ex and Hubby have kids together - maybe it's hard for New Wife to deal with that.
Ask him to pay for EVERY penny to change your surname and that of your children. I'll bet that shuts it down.
The Ex wife should do a quick 411 search and show the new wife just how many Mrs. So and So there are lol
Seems like his new wife is a wacko. My husband is divorcing me after 21 years of marriage , he's quite unstable. I refuse to change my name. All my students and coworkers know me and all of my certifications. Plus I want the same name as my son. It's my name now and I'm not going through the hassle of changing everything.
It’s not Mrs. New-Wife’s decision. There may be other wives with the same name. What’s one more? Who’s gonna know? Do they all have the same friends? He could thaw his new wife’s last name. It is fine to go by any name you choose as long as you do not do it for illegal purposes. One’s name is a personal decision.
My aunt kept her ex's surname after the divorce because of the kids. He was such an a*****e to her about it, always calling her after a few beers and mocking her for having his surname, so she did change it, once both of my cousins were over 18. She didn't have to though. Also have to add that changing ones name seems like an awfully complicated affair in the states. I just applied for my name change online (after my own divorce), and that was that.
I didn't take up my husband's surname, and I have never encountered any trouble when traveling alone with my kids. The op has the right to retain her name, but if I were in her shoes, I would have dumped the surname of an adulterer asap.
After my first husband and I divorced I kept his last name not because I liked it but we have two kids together, and until I remarried I kept his name.
My hubs has 2 ex-wives who retained his surname & I couldn't care less. We're all in our 50s-60s & act like grownups- NEVER had any issues w/ either of these ladies even when the kids were minors...Ex hubby seems to have married a shrew who's a bottomless pit of need & OP is under no obligation to her or her ex to indulge this horsesh*t. She's unhappy because she chooses to be. OP is NTA by a long shot
I kept my ex's last name after my divorce because of the kids. I did change my last name when I remarried. The funniest thing was my ex married a woman with my same first name, so we both had the same first and last name for years.
I kept my married name after the divorce. It's my son's last name too even though my younger daughter has her father's last name (we're not married). I just like the name, it's pretty common and easy to spell and goes well with my first name. Not going to change it for anyone.
I kept my ex’s name as it’s what I graduated under. After remarriage I didn’t take my husbands name and I still use the ex’s name in business.
You are sooooo justified in keeping your name. Your name your choice. The new wife can keep her name if she wants to be different from you, and your ex can adopt his new wife's name if they want to have the same name and have it be different from yours. They have options too if it means so much to them. And, if your ex adopts his new wife's name, that may reassure how much he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her, and won't cheat on her like he did with you… so, really, it would be a Win Win Win! for all of you for him to take her name.
You know how many people have the same name? There's a guy out there that has the EXACT same name as me, first, middle, and last. I don't think anyone would confuse me with a huge, black, award winning, neurosurgeon. If for some reason the did, I'd be thrilled, and confused.
The main reason (IMHO) to change your name at all when you get married is to have the same name as your children. That hasnt changed. It's more than a little insane that she demanded this (or anything else) from you. Whatever is going on here it isnt your worry or problem at all and I would ignore it. There is something making her insecure (hmmm since he was once a philanderer ....) and in the end i would guess even if you did change your name it wouldnt fix whatever her issue really is. It's unfortunate that this may make coparenting more difficult but it sounds to me like their marriage may not last all that long anyway. Just hang in there, do the best you can for your kids and let them work their peoblems out.
No! Your children also have that last name. His new wife is very immature.
I can't stand it when people send sketchy stuff and then think that putting a smiley face on it makes it OK
I love that line "there can only be one Mrs. (Ex's last name)." Like, better hope there isn't anyone else with that name in the world. I know my last name is exceedingly common. So much so that I know of 8 people with my last name, and none of us are related (of course excluding my family). So yeah, there are MANY wives with my last name. Doesnt make them anymore my wife than if they didn't.
My ex and i went through same exact thing. I kept his name as our daughter shared it as well, he agreed it made sense and we had no animosity. Fast forward 6 years, he remarries. I liked his gf, now wife but after they married she got...idk..possessive? And asked me to change my last name so there was only one Mrs. Unusual-surname. It made sense to me for a minute so i went through with name change only to regret it later after enrolling daughter in next school. We were married since we were 19 so i had the name my whole adult life. I hope she didn't give in. It is shared history. Ps- love the highlander remark. Can be only one xD
Why would you even keep the name of a person you're not married to anymore
Hilarious, I would not change it cuz of our little girl, did not want her to have to worry bout last names being different. He remarried and his intended wanted a catholic wedding and ask me to anull, yeah right. The divorce was a relief tho.
My mom never changed her name back to her maiden name. She said that if I am "stuck" with my dad's last name (her words not mine) then she won't change it back. I won't change my name when I get married due to professional licensing. I don't want to go through the hassle, and plus my son has my last name. My future spouse is going to have to live with it. No one is going to force me to change my name, OP shouldn't have to either.
I say this all the time and I really don't mean any offense but it's really true and I had to feel this way my whole life to protect myself. I don't care what anyone thinks. The only opinion that matters is mine. And that's true. Because it's your life and you make the choices that effect your life and no one else does. And you really need to see it that way and it will make life a whole lot easier. Not that others don't matter because they do. But yours is the only opinion that can affect your life and your decisions.
I was married to my first husband almost 20 years and 18 years just shy two days married to my second husband and if it weren't for my legal documents and my stepdaughter, they could both have their names and everything else but my stepdaughter back! Because neither one of them contributed anything to the marriage and all they did was take, take, take and cheat and lie about it and my second husband kept trying to kill me because I wasn't dying fast enough apparently. He should have known better because it doesn't matter how many times I die, I never stay dead and yes that's true. I don't know why. I would like to go Home to be with my family and My Father God. But there's still work to do. But everyone keeps telling me I need to go back to my maiden name, like that so lucky for me 😅. I want to pick my own name but everyone keeps stealing my identity and committing credit theft and I don't believe in credit and they keep hacking everything! Take my identify you have to thru what I did
They both left me with nothing anyways and I paid for everything. And they both committed fraud against me. Who does that. And my second husband's first wife committed identity theft and credit fraud against me so I have a home loan and auto loan for neither of which I own and 8 pending case files with the Federal Trade Commission and no I'm not kidding. I just laugh because their day is coming. My first husband is now blind and deaf and can barely walk. Karma is not friendly. The others are waiting and the IRS is now involved too 😏😂. People do silly things for money and I don't think it's that important.
Load More Replies...I kept mine too and it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with our two small daughters. He thinks I should change it now that they're grown, but it's been mine my whole adult life and it's not my fault he gave it to two other women after me. Lol. Don't give so many women your name if you're gonna be mad about it later. Problem solved. And I'm not even sure if it's any of the women who have cared as much as him. Second wife went back to her maiden after a few yrs. Current has no kids with him and pretty sure date couldn't care less.
When the writer married she legally took hubby’s name…. Her’s to do with as she pleased. Newbie wants to be THE special one…My advice, the ex keeps last name and remember to smile when hubby cheats on #2 as well. He sounds like a real t****r to me.
It sounds to me like the new wife is just trying to exert control over him and mark her territory. The new marriage won’t last, between his infidelity and her need to control and dominate, it won’t last very long. Someone will call it quits. You’re lucky to be rid of the guy.
I hope his last name is not Smith. his new wife would have a lot of calls ahead of her since there can only be one Mrs Smith. smiley face
New wife cane be Mrs. SoandSo the Second. My SO's stepmother calls herself Mrs.XYZ the Third as she is the third woman to have married my SO's dad. My SO's mum is the first and still uses it.
I've never understood not going back to your maiden name because you clearly got divorced. Change the damn name and move on
It’s not for you to dictate. Personally speaking, I’d have had to pay for professional and legal documentation to be updated in two countries, along with going back to the other country to sign legal documents - literally not worth the money or hassle. You do you boo, the rest of us can make our own choices.
Load More Replies...That would mean she married that guy's son, though. This is why language matters.
Load More Replies...That's why I hyphened my last name when I got married. I only changed my lic after I got the ssn card done. This way all my stuff under miss stays an I can do other things with new last name. Important records I use the two names so I can still use my lic as id. Op needs to make a list of everything w the name an cost to change. And ask the new couple if they want to pay for it. Also if changed she can make up any new last name she wants. Seriously. Id pick FirstName "Winner" lol if I was her and they paid for it all. (Just would be a bit rough w drs as diff name than the kids.) All the cards you could send signed Ms Winner. Lok
I'd say TA is the system. Go to court for a name change and pay thousands?? I just took my own name for free.
I've always said I'd give my ex's name back after I tarnished it. Smiley face
The new wife seems insecure and maybe it’s a state thing, but when I changed my name the only thing I recall paying for was my drivers license being reprinted. I had to wait at the social security administration, which is annoying, and all my loans/accounts I just had to send them a copy of my marriage license or in her case divorce decree. It’s not expensive, but tedious for sure. I wouldn’t want to have a different last name from my children to avoid issues anyway. New wife needs to calm down
It isn't just about the state when you have a professional career, licenses, certifications, and special insurance and professional taxes associated with your profession. You basically have to go to ALL of those places and get it changed and some places may not even be in your state. It can be a huge headache.
Load More Replies...When I divorced my ex I couldn't and drop his last name fast enough. That's just my preference. I divorced him and did not want to carry his name any longer. I think this is an individual thing that people need to decide on their own. I wouldn't have kept my ex's last name for anything in the world. I got rid of him. That means all of him. I don't want to go by his last name anymore or be associated with his family in any way.
Al S, your logic is very skewed! The last name wasn't a gift, such as a piece of jewelry, that the ex may demand back upon divorce! During the divorce, they both agreed that her keeping HER, now, surname, made perfect sense! Just because the new Mrs doesn't like it....tough noogies!! SHE needs to get over it!!
Load More Replies...Who does she think she is, the Highlander? "There can be only one!"?? I think the OP is doing extraordinarily well by the ex, especially considering he cheated on her. She could be MUCH meaner and more vindictive.
I agree with you! I'd also like to add this question.......Is the ex, and his family, the ONLY people in the world with his surname?? For all the world knows, her current surname IS her maiden name. More so, no one asks the history of your surname, i.e., is that your maiden name, your ex's (?) surname, etc. My last name is Smith. I was widowed in 2000 after 14 years of marriage. Deceased husband was very emotionally and sexually abusive toward me, unbeknownst to ANY one except for one person. Had he not died from cancer, we would be divorced. I, like the OP, would've, and did, keep the "Smith" name because of professional credentials, whether we parted through divorce or death. It's such a common name that I don't care. I only on rare occasions think of him when I sign my last name. OP should ignore new wife and ex, when this is brought up. It's THEIR problem, NOT hers!! I'm sorry my post was so long! Please forgive my venting!
Load More Replies...If ex husband's mom is still alive, she'd need to change her name too! Because after all, there can only be one Mrs. (Ex's last name).
What about the wives of his brothers if he has any? Did they get the ultimatum as well?
Load More Replies...It's funny I didn't take my husband's last name (he didn't care), I already had/have my own. My husband's ex kept his last name. They married in their mid twenties. She built her professional self with that name. It makes so much sense that she'd want/need to keep it. Sometimes, we joke about me not having his last name and her still having it. It seems like a whole lotta work to be upset about any of it.
My friend has been married 3 times, his ex wives and current wife use his last name (a bit of an unusual surname even), zero issues among them!
Load More Replies...My ex demanded this. I said NO. It’s my daughters last name as well. So he got in a snit and went to all the cost of changing HIS last name to something else. Whatever buddy.
Why didn't you give your daughter your own last name? After all, you were the one who grew and carried her till birth, not him
Load More Replies...Guess the ex is now attracted to crazy! The new wife needs to chill. If you're going to marry a divorced guy, you have to accept that there was a previous wife, and what that woman does is her business.
The number of trauma-laden horror stories that come from someone not accepting a previous spouse/kids is just heartbreaking. A cousin's new step-family never allowed her to be in any "family" pictures, and would say things like "this is just for the Smith family!" and make her wait off to one side while they took a whole bunch of happy "family" pictures or opened "family" gifts. She was under 10. Another one of my cousins tried to have her wedding pictures photoshopped to remove her new husband's son from a previous relationship. Tension between new partners and exes is one thing, but when adults do this to innocent kids who have no choice in the matter, it's inexcusable.
Load More Replies...It's very uncommon for professionals to change their names, especially if they've published anything.
This (published scientific articles) is why my best friend didn’t change his last name, while giving his children an unwieldy hyphenated name. I assured him that the *ones* of people who follow his publishing career would have figured out he was the same person with a new last name but alas.
Load More Replies...Wow. New wife can't erase the past, her new hubby has an ex-wife and she knew that. Asking once is a bit over the line, but when the answer is "no", it's "no". The "you will ___" makes me dig my heels in.
Yeah, I think I would have had to respond to her with a laughing emoji for that one.
Load More Replies...What a total nut job the 'newer' wife sounds. After my divorce I kept my husbands' surname for the exact same reason, we had two young children at the time and I wanted them to have the security of knowing I was still the same person and Mother they always knew. All my documents, bills, passport, etc had my surname on, I saw no reason to change them unless I ever got married again. The newer 'Mrs' obviously has issues I just hope she doesn't take it out on the children. God help if they have kids of their own it's a disaster just waiting to happen
Unless that is part of her 'sick' game, to take over the role of Mrs. X child's parent (not step) as if only one Mrs. Joe Popper can 'claim' the responsibility of minor daughter.
Load More Replies...The only thing that would be "Immediately"is that my fur would have been up at the demand of "You will change your name immediately."
I think she should change her name immediately! She should change her *first* name to New Wife's first name. But then again I like to be obnoxious and petty. Smiley face.
Load More Replies...Well... Honestly if she is making such a ruckus for really nothing then she should pay all expenses for IT, i wouldn't Change my Name for such BS but if it really comes to the worst Outcome just bill her
Please don't tell me she's so delusional to think that no one else in the world shared her last name- there's a small chance but since it wasn't explicitly mentioned as a rare last name, I doubt that. And does she expect every woman who shares her last name to change theirs too? NTA
Any time someone says you "should just ___," you KNOW some serious b******t is about to happen. My mom kept reverting back to her first married name after her divorces instead of her original surname because she said she wanted to have the same last name as her kids. My father's 3rd wife had a bit of a strop like this over it, too. She was an insecure 19 year old, for starters, and really resented our existence.
So there can only *EVER* be ONE Mrs Ex's surname? What the hell should her mother-in-law be referred to as, since presumably she is Mrs Ex's surname in order to give him that name in the first place (along with the FIL of course). New Wife has massive jealousy issues. It wouldnt surprise me if she tried to usurp with the children too - one readymade family (unless she'll lean hard in the other direction and make them change their surnames too to keep from confusing when she has her own)
There IS only one Mrs Surname, sounds like OP is Dr. Surname.
Load More Replies...Why the hell women still change their last name? They are no longer father's or husband's possession.
Choice. My partner has a better surname and I wanted my family to have the same surname. Not hyphenated either.
Load More Replies...You aren’t making things hard for him, the new wife is. Tell him that this is his problem and you don’t want to be in the middle of his marital disputes. Then refuse to engage on the topic further.
The name belongs to the person who has it. If you choose to take your husband’s surname it becomes yours too. If you divorce then it’s yours to keep or dispose of, no one gets to tell you how you should go about that. You and your name are never a possession, you are a partner in a relationship, your significant other has no right to control you either during or after the relationship.
Like I told my ex when his new (now ex) wife was giving him grief over their visitation with our kids (apparently one weekend a month with them was too much for her)..."YOUR wife is not MY problem. You deal with her and don't drag me into it".
Wow. How selfish can you be, if one weekend a month is too much.
Load More Replies...I work at a court, in an office where name changes are processed. Even when your divorce decree states that you may, many agencies won't allow you to simply switch back to your maiden without a court order and it's a very tedious process. I've had several divorcees initially adamant about changing their name drop the issue altogether once they see how much work is actually involved. I doubt ex hubby and wifey would be willing to compensate her for her time (because she will absolutely need to take off time from work to do all this). Husband should just change his name to new wife's name if it's that important to them.
I say that she should cave to her demands and change her name. Not her last name, but her first and middle name... to the current wife.
Kind of like the T.V. show "The New Adventures of Old Christine". Then she'd have a 'ring' in this 3 ring circus with the 2 monkeys. or leave the circus & monkeys for him to deal with solely. hee hee hee.
Load More Replies...I'm a Dutch national, they don't recognise a woman's married name. The best I could have was Miss A, spouse of Mr B on my passport. We separated in 2012, divorce was finalised in 2014 (I think) when I had my new passport done in 2019, I could have had Miss A, ex spouse of Mr B. I chose to stay with just my maiden name, even though I absolutely hate it because it's my step father's name and he was an asshat ...
I'd change my name if he paid for everything and if he paid for my name to be added to the kids' names.
I'd still beg for the couple to get professional help, as it would be cheaper and less hassle for it only deals with the 2 who have the 'problem' with it, otherwise, there's 3 extra involved who doesn't need to be.
Load More Replies...NTA! My mum kept dad's name after divorce, and kept it after she remarried, and later when he remarried. So my mum a widow is still using her first husband's name, and it's because of ME the shared daughter they had. Same as dad's first wife kept the last name and so did all of his 5kids. Because it makes travelling easier, but also dealing with schools, government departments, doctor etc. If you have the same last name nobody is questioning your relationship to the child. If divorce happens before kids and professional career by all means change it. But after having children together, they should have a same name as the parent they're living with. The new wife might feel whatever she wants but at the end of the day their relationship isn't built on a name, unless she married only for the name. My dad's all 3 wives kept the name. Us children got always to travel with different mum, while dad and others were working. It's a Family Name
my parents got divorced more than 15 years ago, and my mom kept the same last name as her kids, the only reason she didn't go back to her maiden name. She also limited interaction with my father for us kids. No step mom of mine ordered the name changes, because there is too many with our last name because my father is a cheating jerk.
OP, there are probably thousands of people in the world with your same last name. Does the new wife want them all to change it, too? I wouldn't let her around your kids if possible. She sounds unhinged, and your ex isn't standing up to her.
NTA, if he never had cheated on you in the first place, you wouldn't be divorced and there wouldn't be drama in the now. His problem, he started this long long time ago.
Well the ex's marriage isn't going to last much longer. People who do stupid c**p like this are doomed to be alone in the end
Tell them new wife should put a hiphon between her maiden and his. Once they realize the cost they will stfu. She doesn't want to have the same last name? Then she changes it. Her problem is not yours to solve.
My mother and father divorced when I was 7 years old. My mother kept her married name (Glickman) for similar reasons, her professional licensing as well as keeping the same name as her children. When my mother married my stepfather (Williams), nearly 30 years ago, not only did she decide to hyphenate her last name, but so did my stepfather. My mother and stepfather for the last 30 years have both been Glickman-Williams.
if she wants it changed so badly her ex and his wife should pitch in the cost of changing everything that needs changing. ( not sayig she should do it ) but if she does decide to do it. They should compensate her for the name changes and what goes with it.
Isn't OP technically Ms./Miss [ex's last name], but not Mrs. [ex's last name]?
Not necessarily, I’m not aware of any legal requirement to switch to Miss or Ms post-divorce. In any case, we think OP is probably Dr. Last name, which would be what she uses instead of Mrs.
Load More Replies...Screw her and I definitely wouldn't change it. I've been divorced and kept name to have same as our kids and for professional reasons as well it's lot of work to change if you don't immediately atvtime of divorce. She can't tell you that and doesn't erase your marriage. Sounds like she has personal issue and not yours to deal with your ex needs to get her under control and keep her from harassing you on dumb stuff. There are many reasons why you may want to keep name and no one's business. My exhusband cheated and now with the woman and got her pregnant we where married 20 yrs and have 3 kids and I'm not changing name and don't give damn what she would ever think or anyone else for that matter. People are seriously nuts 🙄 and need better things to do in life. Probably same type of woman that thinks having his baby makes him more hers cause he has kids with someone else. Some women are so immature and narcissistic and trying everything to lock a man down. Lol and he still will cheat
I'm sorry that the OP felt the need to try to justify telling this witch to EFF off. It doesn't matter if it only cost $4 to change all your professional stuff. It doesn't matter if you had zero kids. It wouldn't matter if you could wave a wand and make it so. It's your name. You owe he no explanation. None. Don't grope around for reasons why you had to make sure you're correct. Ignore her. And your ex. Ask her if she also wants you to get rid of his tattoo which is over your pubic bone in floral, with roses? Let her bring that up to him and let them fight about that >;)
I might have been more sympathetic to New Wife if she weren't such a childish a -hole about the matter. But the ridiculous texting and whining - Nah, she good. And pragmatically speaking, that sounds like a lot of hassle when the Ex keeping the last name is more convenient for pretty much everyone else. On top of that, New Wife may be coming from a place of jealousy and insecurity. I'm not trying to be an a*****e with that accusation, but the Ex is always going to be part of New Wife's life because the Ex and Hubby have kids together - maybe it's hard for New Wife to deal with that.
Ask him to pay for EVERY penny to change your surname and that of your children. I'll bet that shuts it down.
The Ex wife should do a quick 411 search and show the new wife just how many Mrs. So and So there are lol
Seems like his new wife is a wacko. My husband is divorcing me after 21 years of marriage , he's quite unstable. I refuse to change my name. All my students and coworkers know me and all of my certifications. Plus I want the same name as my son. It's my name now and I'm not going through the hassle of changing everything.
It’s not Mrs. New-Wife’s decision. There may be other wives with the same name. What’s one more? Who’s gonna know? Do they all have the same friends? He could thaw his new wife’s last name. It is fine to go by any name you choose as long as you do not do it for illegal purposes. One’s name is a personal decision.
My aunt kept her ex's surname after the divorce because of the kids. He was such an a*****e to her about it, always calling her after a few beers and mocking her for having his surname, so she did change it, once both of my cousins were over 18. She didn't have to though. Also have to add that changing ones name seems like an awfully complicated affair in the states. I just applied for my name change online (after my own divorce), and that was that.
I didn't take up my husband's surname, and I have never encountered any trouble when traveling alone with my kids. The op has the right to retain her name, but if I were in her shoes, I would have dumped the surname of an adulterer asap.
After my first husband and I divorced I kept his last name not because I liked it but we have two kids together, and until I remarried I kept his name.
My hubs has 2 ex-wives who retained his surname & I couldn't care less. We're all in our 50s-60s & act like grownups- NEVER had any issues w/ either of these ladies even when the kids were minors...Ex hubby seems to have married a shrew who's a bottomless pit of need & OP is under no obligation to her or her ex to indulge this horsesh*t. She's unhappy because she chooses to be. OP is NTA by a long shot
I kept my ex's last name after my divorce because of the kids. I did change my last name when I remarried. The funniest thing was my ex married a woman with my same first name, so we both had the same first and last name for years.
I kept my married name after the divorce. It's my son's last name too even though my younger daughter has her father's last name (we're not married). I just like the name, it's pretty common and easy to spell and goes well with my first name. Not going to change it for anyone.
I kept my ex’s name as it’s what I graduated under. After remarriage I didn’t take my husbands name and I still use the ex’s name in business.
You are sooooo justified in keeping your name. Your name your choice. The new wife can keep her name if she wants to be different from you, and your ex can adopt his new wife's name if they want to have the same name and have it be different from yours. They have options too if it means so much to them. And, if your ex adopts his new wife's name, that may reassure how much he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her, and won't cheat on her like he did with you… so, really, it would be a Win Win Win! for all of you for him to take her name.
You know how many people have the same name? There's a guy out there that has the EXACT same name as me, first, middle, and last. I don't think anyone would confuse me with a huge, black, award winning, neurosurgeon. If for some reason the did, I'd be thrilled, and confused.
The main reason (IMHO) to change your name at all when you get married is to have the same name as your children. That hasnt changed. It's more than a little insane that she demanded this (or anything else) from you. Whatever is going on here it isnt your worry or problem at all and I would ignore it. There is something making her insecure (hmmm since he was once a philanderer ....) and in the end i would guess even if you did change your name it wouldnt fix whatever her issue really is. It's unfortunate that this may make coparenting more difficult but it sounds to me like their marriage may not last all that long anyway. Just hang in there, do the best you can for your kids and let them work their peoblems out.
No! Your children also have that last name. His new wife is very immature.
I can't stand it when people send sketchy stuff and then think that putting a smiley face on it makes it OK
I love that line "there can only be one Mrs. (Ex's last name)." Like, better hope there isn't anyone else with that name in the world. I know my last name is exceedingly common. So much so that I know of 8 people with my last name, and none of us are related (of course excluding my family). So yeah, there are MANY wives with my last name. Doesnt make them anymore my wife than if they didn't.
My ex and i went through same exact thing. I kept his name as our daughter shared it as well, he agreed it made sense and we had no animosity. Fast forward 6 years, he remarries. I liked his gf, now wife but after they married she got...idk..possessive? And asked me to change my last name so there was only one Mrs. Unusual-surname. It made sense to me for a minute so i went through with name change only to regret it later after enrolling daughter in next school. We were married since we were 19 so i had the name my whole adult life. I hope she didn't give in. It is shared history. Ps- love the highlander remark. Can be only one xD
Why would you even keep the name of a person you're not married to anymore
Hilarious, I would not change it cuz of our little girl, did not want her to have to worry bout last names being different. He remarried and his intended wanted a catholic wedding and ask me to anull, yeah right. The divorce was a relief tho.
My mom never changed her name back to her maiden name. She said that if I am "stuck" with my dad's last name (her words not mine) then she won't change it back. I won't change my name when I get married due to professional licensing. I don't want to go through the hassle, and plus my son has my last name. My future spouse is going to have to live with it. No one is going to force me to change my name, OP shouldn't have to either.
I say this all the time and I really don't mean any offense but it's really true and I had to feel this way my whole life to protect myself. I don't care what anyone thinks. The only opinion that matters is mine. And that's true. Because it's your life and you make the choices that effect your life and no one else does. And you really need to see it that way and it will make life a whole lot easier. Not that others don't matter because they do. But yours is the only opinion that can affect your life and your decisions.
I was married to my first husband almost 20 years and 18 years just shy two days married to my second husband and if it weren't for my legal documents and my stepdaughter, they could both have their names and everything else but my stepdaughter back! Because neither one of them contributed anything to the marriage and all they did was take, take, take and cheat and lie about it and my second husband kept trying to kill me because I wasn't dying fast enough apparently. He should have known better because it doesn't matter how many times I die, I never stay dead and yes that's true. I don't know why. I would like to go Home to be with my family and My Father God. But there's still work to do. But everyone keeps telling me I need to go back to my maiden name, like that so lucky for me 😅. I want to pick my own name but everyone keeps stealing my identity and committing credit theft and I don't believe in credit and they keep hacking everything! Take my identify you have to thru what I did
They both left me with nothing anyways and I paid for everything. And they both committed fraud against me. Who does that. And my second husband's first wife committed identity theft and credit fraud against me so I have a home loan and auto loan for neither of which I own and 8 pending case files with the Federal Trade Commission and no I'm not kidding. I just laugh because their day is coming. My first husband is now blind and deaf and can barely walk. Karma is not friendly. The others are waiting and the IRS is now involved too 😏😂. People do silly things for money and I don't think it's that important.
Load More Replies...I kept mine too and it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with our two small daughters. He thinks I should change it now that they're grown, but it's been mine my whole adult life and it's not my fault he gave it to two other women after me. Lol. Don't give so many women your name if you're gonna be mad about it later. Problem solved. And I'm not even sure if it's any of the women who have cared as much as him. Second wife went back to her maiden after a few yrs. Current has no kids with him and pretty sure date couldn't care less.
When the writer married she legally took hubby’s name…. Her’s to do with as she pleased. Newbie wants to be THE special one…My advice, the ex keeps last name and remember to smile when hubby cheats on #2 as well. He sounds like a real t****r to me.
It sounds to me like the new wife is just trying to exert control over him and mark her territory. The new marriage won’t last, between his infidelity and her need to control and dominate, it won’t last very long. Someone will call it quits. You’re lucky to be rid of the guy.
I hope his last name is not Smith. his new wife would have a lot of calls ahead of her since there can only be one Mrs Smith. smiley face
New wife cane be Mrs. SoandSo the Second. My SO's stepmother calls herself Mrs.XYZ the Third as she is the third woman to have married my SO's dad. My SO's mum is the first and still uses it.
I've never understood not going back to your maiden name because you clearly got divorced. Change the damn name and move on
It’s not for you to dictate. Personally speaking, I’d have had to pay for professional and legal documentation to be updated in two countries, along with going back to the other country to sign legal documents - literally not worth the money or hassle. You do you boo, the rest of us can make our own choices.
Load More Replies...That would mean she married that guy's son, though. This is why language matters.
Load More Replies...That's why I hyphened my last name when I got married. I only changed my lic after I got the ssn card done. This way all my stuff under miss stays an I can do other things with new last name. Important records I use the two names so I can still use my lic as id. Op needs to make a list of everything w the name an cost to change. And ask the new couple if they want to pay for it. Also if changed she can make up any new last name she wants. Seriously. Id pick FirstName "Winner" lol if I was her and they paid for it all. (Just would be a bit rough w drs as diff name than the kids.) All the cards you could send signed Ms Winner. Lok
I'd say TA is the system. Go to court for a name change and pay thousands?? I just took my own name for free.
I've always said I'd give my ex's name back after I tarnished it. Smiley face
The new wife seems insecure and maybe it’s a state thing, but when I changed my name the only thing I recall paying for was my drivers license being reprinted. I had to wait at the social security administration, which is annoying, and all my loans/accounts I just had to send them a copy of my marriage license or in her case divorce decree. It’s not expensive, but tedious for sure. I wouldn’t want to have a different last name from my children to avoid issues anyway. New wife needs to calm down
It isn't just about the state when you have a professional career, licenses, certifications, and special insurance and professional taxes associated with your profession. You basically have to go to ALL of those places and get it changed and some places may not even be in your state. It can be a huge headache.
Load More Replies...When I divorced my ex I couldn't and drop his last name fast enough. That's just my preference. I divorced him and did not want to carry his name any longer. I think this is an individual thing that people need to decide on their own. I wouldn't have kept my ex's last name for anything in the world. I got rid of him. That means all of him. I don't want to go by his last name anymore or be associated with his family in any way.
Al S, your logic is very skewed! The last name wasn't a gift, such as a piece of jewelry, that the ex may demand back upon divorce! During the divorce, they both agreed that her keeping HER, now, surname, made perfect sense! Just because the new Mrs doesn't like it....tough noogies!! SHE needs to get over it!!
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