Guy Gets Called A Jerk For “Leaving Out” His Ex From 10 Y.O. Daughter’s “First Period” Milestone
Splitting the responsibility in parenting can be challenging. There seem to be some key moments in a child’s life that usually both parents wish to participate in. These might include school graduation, performance in a school play, and maybe… a girl’s first period. It is here that divorce might just add some extra weight to communicating such preferences.
This was the experience of redditor@No-Tap8247. The man did get it all right – he provided emotional support for his daughter during her first period, as well as gave her all the necessary information and women’s hygiene products, like pads and tampons. Finally, he suggested his daughter discuss the topic with his sister. However, the father was confronted by his ex-wife and then all hell broke loose!
More info: Reddit
Image credits: Sora Shimazaki (not the actual photo)
A single dad recently was faced with the unorthodox situation of his daughter’s first period – one that seemed very manageable, until his ex got involved
This redditor explained that after divorcing his ex-wife, he was the one who got full custody of the kids, as he was able to take care of them, while his wife had to work out of town most of the time.
After the divorce, they did not maintain a friendly relationship. The redditor did not approve of his ex-wife’s previous behavior, which turned their relationship into one of “bitterness and recrimination” on both sides. However, as the father emphasized, he made no restrictions on the communication between his ex-wife and their children.
The problem igniting the conflict started when Redditor helped his ten-year-old daughter during her first period without informing his ex.
He explains that he was fully qualified to take such responsibility for himself, as he had his sisters around while growing up, so the topic was not new to him. He also did some additional reading on it and even discussed it with his mother and sisters to be prepared to support his daughter. All in all, the father had been ready to help his daughter since she was 8!
The father noted that he did not limit communication between his ex and their kids
Image credit: No-Tap8247
The father remarks, he doesn’t have a very sympathetic approach toward his wife and doesn’t really want to discuss anything with her
Image credit: No-Tap8247
The dad explains, he was prepared to help his daughter during her first period. In fact, he had been prepared for that since she was 8!
Image credit: No-Tap8247
The father explains he sees the situation mostly from the “medical standpoint”
The father explains he sees the situation mostly from the “medical standpoint”. In his words: “it was a parent-kid medical issue” and that is what made it his own responsibility.
The father gave his daughter emotional and educational support. He explained that having periods is part of a healthy woman’s life, they discussed the important aspects of the topic, and even watched a video together.
He gave her all the necessary women’s hygiene products, like pads and tampons, and finally agreed the girl would discuss the topic with his sister later that week.
Image credit: No-Tap8247
The father’s ex-wife confronted him for “excluding her from a milestone in her daughter’s life”
The problem started with the redditor’s ex-wife and the girl’s mother not being included in the process, as the father did not inform her. The girl’s mother was really disappointed when she found out about the situation after the fact only when she called a few days later to check on her daughter.
The father made a decision to include his sister in the picture, understanding that his daughter might need someone, who had the same kind of experience in order to relate and to get the best possible education and support. However, he did not see why it had to be the girl’s mother.
The redditor’s ex-wife called her ex-husband a jerk and made a point about the importance of a mother-daughter relationship when it comes to experiences that are specific to women. She confronted him for “excluding her from a milestone in her daughter’s life,” which could not be reduced to a simple medical issue.
Image credit: No-Tap8247
The negative effects of divorce were reduced significantly in families where both parents maintained positive relationships, study shows
The impact of divorce upon children depends highly on the relationships between family members after the divorce, based on the study, by Robert D. Hess and Kathleen A. Camara.
Two aspects could be distinguished in the redditor’s problem – the relationship between both parents, the redditor and his ex-wife, and the question of the mother-daughter relationship.
When it comes to the relationship between divorced parents, it was found to be an even more important factor than marital status. The negative effects of divorce were reduced significantly in families where both parents maintained positive relationships.
When it comes to the mother-daughter relationship, the child’s relationship with the non-custodial parent was found to be as important as the one maintained with the primary custodial parent.
Image credits: SouthernSun (not the actual photo)
Commenters were quick to judge the situation, and the judgement was all over the place without one clear verdict
Redditors were divided as were the parents, with the majority congratulating the father for taking responsibility and supporting his daughter. The redditors suggested that the father was not the jerk in this situation, as he did everything right, therefore he was highly supported.
However, some Redditors were not that enthusiastic, stating the father should have at least informed his ex-wife. Others pinpointed that the father should have at least suggested that his daughter contact her mother instead of his sister or a girlfriend.
Image credit: No-Tap8247
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Image credit: No-Tap8247
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I don't think he did anything wrong. I also don't think periods are mom/ daughter bonding or some huge milestone in a woman's life. Its at best an irritant at worst a source of constant pain, but hardly an achievement. Society puts a lot of weird ( and often gross) expectations of what "coming into womanhood" means for girls as their bodies mature and particularly when they have sex. Its clear in this case the mom is far away and can't physically come and talk to the girl so offering up two female role models for a face to face chat seems like a good alternative. And given he has a restraining order against her and the marriage clearly imploded, he is not badmouthing her. I am sure there is a whole truckload of crazy he could bring up if he wanted to, because judges don't just hand out restraining orders like candy. Instead he is saying why HE doesn't talk to the ex and why, in addition to not thinking it a big deal, he didn't call the ex. Also kudos to him for being prepared
I get the feeling he tries very hard to not talk or write bad about a truly bad ex to the point it's detrimental to himself. If he has a restraining order, something really bad must have gone down, so I don't think it's reasonable to expect from him to actively try to include the mom. It seems to me he didn't try to punish her by not naming her in the list, but considering that the mom has a restraining order and only visitation rights, he knew she wouldn't be a great person to talk to his daughter in this situation but tries to still not wash dirty laundry on Reddit in case his children find the post
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Seeing a period as a "milestone" in your daughter's life is really very creepy to me. ^ Ginny said it better than I could already, so there ya go.
I’m a twin - when my twin got her period before me, my mum noticed and went up to her all hugs and “congratulations! I’m so proud of you! You’re a woman now!” Which made her feel embarrassed and weird, and of course she told me about it. When I got my first period like 3 months later I did everything I could to hide it from my mom because I didn’t want that to happen to me lol, even now that I’m 30 the thought of it makes me cringe hard. If I ever have a daughter, I’m just going to treat it like no big deal but still an open and comfortable subject. “Here’s some pads and tampons, here’s how to use them, try both and let me know which you like (or if you want both) or if you have questions and I’ll keep them on the grocery list. Here’s where we hide the chocolate from Dad. Here’s some stuff for cramps cause they suck but if it gets bad we should pay attention and ask a doctor. Blood tends to stain so if you need help with laundry here’s what to do to save your clothes and sheets. I’ve ruined my share of sheets and panties in my day so don’t stress if you do it on occasion too. A good man will never shame you for it or for anything else period-related, including your mood.” A casual real conversation like that would have been much more appreciated.
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Well I think the fact that the child didn't contact her mom first in the first place says a lot. The mom found out about it days later. If the mom had prepped the girl for this moment and had a good relationship with her, then the kid would have mentioned it to her first thing, no?
My guess too. A good mom would have already talked to her daughter about this beforehand and encouraged her to call. But this mom has a restraining order. So I highly doubt she's a good person.
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Does no one realise what a restraining order means? For the father to get a restraining order against the mother, the mother must have done something very abusive and unhinged to the dad. Why would anyone in their right mind expect a person to suggest that their children contact another person who treated them so badly they had to get a restraining order and whose first reaction is to call and scream at people if something isn't going their way especially something so minor? He tries to deflect and not talk badly about his ex. That's all that can be expected from someone who had to go to court to get another person to leave them alone. To expect them to actively facilitate contact is beyond reasonable. He let's the children have contact if they so choose, but obviously doesn't think the mom is a good influence. And it seems a judge at some point agreed with him. So why is everyone flying to the conclusion that dad should involve the mom?
I was not in the room the first time my daughter had her period. She was at her dad's. I really feel like our relationship is strong enough to survive. There are hundreds of milestones. This isn't the one to die on.
I find it funny that among the first reactions on Reddit people take offense of him giving context on their separation. When you read about any divorce on Reddit or hear people talking about one IRL without such context everybody just assumes probably the guy will have done something wrong (just because and "why else doesn't he say what caused the break up". Just as everyone seems to miss that the father in this case has made the sacrifice to be the stable parent to his children.
Sacrifice may be too strong of a word, it is about making changes to become more stable and any single parent gives up a lot of their own leisure to be able to be a good parent. I'd do it myself in a heartbeat and so did he, but his wife choose not to.
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She could have talked to mom but chose her aunt instead. It was up to the daughter to tell mom.
It's just a period. It's just blood. I'm so confused rn- such a 'milestone'... I'm very concerned about the restraining order tho
Right? This celebration of a normal bodily function as if it was something sacred "Hey, our little Isabella is bleeding! Get the neighbours! Sacrifice a lamb! Where's the fireworks?" Effin fertily cult vibes.
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NTA. If the mom thought so strongly about it, then how come the daughter was not prepared? Why did she (or the father) not explain things when she was 8? Or 9? (Although I think 10 is on the young side to start a period, here the average is 12 I think).
It is quite young, but it seems kids are getting it earlier. I’ve read somewhere there is a theory that people flushing medications doesn’t the toilet and getting into the water system, like hormones/birth control, may cause puberty to be triggered earlier. Who knows for sure. The scary thought is now a young girl can become pregnant.
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GO DAD! He did a better job than my mom did for me ! 🙌🙌🤣 If either of my boys and their partners ever adopt a daughter, THIS is how I expect them to act. Edit: It wasn't his tale to tell, it was his daughter's. SHE chose to wait to until Mom called HER.
Same. My mom didn't even tell me about it at all. Imagine my surprise. Lol. I'm going to make sure my own daughter is prepared..
Load More Replies... NTA he handled it perfectly, well prepared to help his daughter deal with the changes in her body (something far too few men do or even care about), he offered his daughter a choice of people she could tall to and has no one noticed he said that there is a restraining order against his ex? There is a lot here that is not said, we don't have all the information. As for mum going off at dad for not telling her, I'm not sure that's the best reaction. Mine would have been, did you tell her this, does she have that, is she ok? I know when I got my first one it freaked me out and I had all the information before and I was older than his daughter. Yes telling his ex would have been wise, equally the daughter could have phoned her mum but she chose to ask her aunt instead... as I said more is going on here than we are told
Menstruation isn't a big issue in my house. My wife and I are together, so when my daughter started, she took the lead. But I was there, we went to the store together to get supplies, and my daughter has never felt weird or uncomfortable talking to me about it. It really bothers me that guys get judged negatively merely for being men. He is not with his ex, he has limited contact with her (he had filed a restraining order against her), there was no medical issue. Seems to me this was the daughter's story to tell. She had the ability to call her mother and did not.
I don't think we have enough info to decide if he's the AH with regards his wife. He should however speak to his daughter and ask if and how she would have liked it to pan out. Find out if she wanted to speak to her Mum and if she did want to, what stopped her. She's 10, it's unfair to say "she has her phone she can call her" and just leave it. And if the daughter says she didn't want to speak to her Mum... problem solved.
I think, if a 10 yrs pld with a phone doesnot call her mom about her period she propably does not want to. When I got mine I did not ask my mother for advise. I would have let the daughter know, that her mom needs to know so she can stock up on stuff and then tell the mother on the day she gets the daughter.
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You know, my mom and I had a conversation about periods BEFORE my first one. As a parent, you don't want to wait until the periods start. The mom literally could have had the conversation any time before.
I don't get the "you're an A____ because you didn't offer up the Ex as a woman to talk to" The child is old enough to know her Mom has a period and the child could talk to her. As the Dad mentioned, the Ex was in the middle of her traveling part of her job. She wasn't available, so he offered two women who were available. I guess he was supposed to call up the manager and get the period delayed until his Ex is no longer traveling for work? I don't think he did anything wrong. If the daughter wanted to talk to Mom, she could have. It's not up to Dad to keep trying to get the kids involved with his Ex. Nor is it up to him to try to keep the Ex involved with the kids. He has enough on his plate, sounds like.
If this were my brother (or something) I'd probably have suggested he said to his daughter something like: Hey this is the kind of thing both parents should know for supplies and in case you need anything. Do you want to tell your mom? If she said no, then offer to let mom know himself. It reminds her her mom should be in the loop (respects her as a parent), but puts the daughter in charge of the timeline (not mom or dad)
Do what's at that best for your kids. There are lots of precious moments that can become milestones in your children's lives... You can't always be there for everything, kids don't always want to tell you everything either... If you going to only focus on the things you fear to miss out on, you end up missing them all... In this situation, this 10 old girl might not want to talk to her mom... All we can do is try and be there when they need us. Even when that's okay to say, that's still a lot of pressure for a 10 year old to face eh.
Wait, did this mom just ask to reschedule her 10-year-old daughter's natural bodily processes until it's a more convenient time for her? She sounds like a textbook example of a narcissistic personality type.
No. She asked to be informed that it happened.
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That poor little girl. She must be feeling mortified the adults in her life are bickering over a very private time, and discussing it all over the internet.
I DEFINITELY don't think periods are a bonding thing or milestone. When you're young, they're gross, scary, painful, and most of the time, we don't want to talk about it. Maybe that's just how I was raised, idk. I had to learn about puberty and periods from a book when I was a kid. My Mom kinda glossed over that stuff but didn't tell me how to use pads or tampons or really what periods would entail. She gave me an American Girl book. 🙄
I hid it from my mom until she found out and got mad at me. That was embarrassing enough. I didn't want my own daughter feeling the same, so I talked to her about what periods are quite young, so she wouldn't feel so scared and lost about it. When the time came, she whispered it to me and we got her what she needed and helped her out with how to use pads. (She's an adult now.) That's all it was about. There was no "special celebration" or bonding and talking very much about it all day. I wasn't gushing about it like it was taking her first steps and saying her first words. Point being, this mom in the article was using that moment for her own petty agenda against the dad. The dad has his own issues dealing with his ex, and being a tad petty and over stepping boundaries, too.
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Honestly when it comes to being a father helping his daughter with a period he was well prepared many dads don't know how to help at all. However I do unfortunately see a very toxic household with him if that's the way he talks about the mother around his daughter.
Given the restraining order, I think he was very tactful about not making his ex look like a total psycho. I am sure he could have. I also think he has a right to be hurt by her cheating ( and other crazy) and to want to avoid talking to her if he can. I think he has made the best out of a difficult situation (that was not of his making) and it was great he was there to support his daughter.
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I don't even remember if I told my mom or made any kind of big deal about it. They had already reviewed it in school and given us supplies. Regardless, sounds like the mom is just being overly emotional because she doesn't see her kids enough. Understandable, but her reaction towards the father most likely had little to do with the issue at hand and everything to do with her resentment towards him and the custody situation.
It's also very possible that she's just completely abusive and out of control. She is the subject of a stay away order, which means that a judge, at a hearing she attended and testified at, determined that she was enough of a danger to her ex that she isn't allowed near him. If she was just difficult and mildly abusive, it is likely that it would have been a refrain from order (tells her that she has to refrain from being verbally abusive, harassing, threatening, making/posting comments about him that are false or slanderous, etc). There are a lot of good parents out there that just don't know how to successfully put their feelings for their ex aside and coparent, but there are also some full-on psychopaths who are unable to control their rage or suppress a dangerous need to exact "revenge" on a ex.
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Good for you Dad. When that happened to my daughter her Mom was nowhere to be found. I called up a couple of my old girlfriends because I had no idea. They left with my wallet and my daughter. For me, that was the best solution!
NTA but your ex definitely is. To me, it seems like she's expecting you to somehow stop your daughter's period just so SHE can be there, when realistically all you could've done was maybe video call her about it assuming she wasn't too busy with work. Call it a "mother-daughter bonding experience" all she wants, but I don't see any way to bond with ANYONE over that, it's a medical situation not a wedding announcement or some big event. Your daughter may feel some excitement but it'll be replaced with pain and irritation over time, and I'm praying she has mild periods in the future as a growing woman. Her mother simply wanted to make this about herself because she doesn't have the kids as often as you, and is angry that it's another thing she missed out on due to her job.
Reading he replies to the comments, NTA. Also, not every girl feels comfortable talking with their parents. I love my parents, but I was not interested with the talk from my Mom. I found it embarrassing and mortifying. I was fine with getting the details from my science teacher and that was all the details I was happy with. Not a milestone hill for Mom to die one to be honest.
I don't think he's an a*****e here at all. I think he handled it quite well, too. Especially since he was so prepared and it's not as though he told his daughter she couldn't speak to her mom at all either.
The ex wife can go p!ss up a rope. And so can the judgmental @ssholes trashing the dad.
As a woman: FFS, it's a first period, not her first child. She needs someone she can trust, who explains the stuff to her and whom she feels comfortable to ask questions. She got that. Women are not breeding mares, there's no need to make such a big fuss of a basic biological function. A guy is providing perfectly for his daughter going through that experience, and some of the Sacred Motherhood of Gilead have a go at him because he didn't tell Maman. What would the mother have added? She can still celebrate with her daughter, if she feels the need to. Or do we now need First Period Reveals with big confetti explosions in the garden?
NTA at all the girl chose not to inform the mum immediately but after she called. The dad provided pads and the info and offered a Q andA with two females he trusted. Also what milestone? Is it a milestone when a boy starts having wet dreams too? What a weird concept.
He is definitely NTA. Just because someone is the female parent doesn't make her a "mom". Sounds like she could have talked to her mother anytime she wanted, and chose another female relative who was immediately available. As a woman who has a narcissistic mother, mom isn't always the best choice to talk about anything with, regardless of the fact she carried & birthed you.
Ergh, getting your period at such a young age would be traumatic if you don't have someone willing to discuss what's happening and giving you options. Treating it like it's no big deal because it's biology seems a better approach than "oh good now you can make babies and are now apart of this misogynistic culture where bodily autonomy applies to men only." I have tons of friends whose mothers didn't explain and actively didn't give them any help, just handed them a box of tampons and said "here use this " This was before Google so they had to read instructions included in the box, or in one case, ask a librarian for recommendations on the best puberty books to read. So many are saying that her mom should be a part of such an important milestone. How do we know this? We don't know what the relationship is between them, and as OP rightly points out, she was 400 miles away at the time.
Why ask for anybody's opinion when you don't want to hear it? People are telling him EXACTLY WHY they think he was in the wrong and all he can do is retort with the same broken record statements. She was beautiful, they can talk whenever they want, she lives 400 miles away 🧟♂️ Stuff it. Dad clearly can't stand the mom and is subconsciously trying to create a rift between the daughter and her mother or is consciously doing it and just doesn't want to admit it to the public. I see right through you Mr. Cellophane.
He sounds like a defensive broken record. "She's beautiful. They can talk anytime. She's 400 miles away." Which all equates to excuses blah blah blah excuse blah. Its just his justifications and rationalisations for being a jaded goober. Nobody cares that your wife was one of 12 women at a camp of men. As a woman from the oil field who gets hit on regularly and has been unmarried, monogamous and faithful to my CIS male partner for 17 years (we've been together since I was 18), this dad's comments are highly offensive, suggesting women who work in camps are whores on the side. I have a feeling his wife didn't cheat because of the attention she got on site but because she was tired of being with this dorky reject. It also sounds like he took advantage of her cheating and got a restraining order, DIRECTLY keeping her from her children. My dad lives 800 MILES away from me. We talk regularly face to face via this AMAZING new thing called THE INTERNET 🤯 WOOOAH
His daughter does spend some time with her mom. If mom was that important to her, she would've wanted to call her immediately. Kids can make their own decisions about their parents. Take it from someone who knows.
Can we stop treating a normal bodily function like it's magic? He is absolutely correct that either parent can deal with biological issues.
My mother died when I was young so I guess I’m not sentimental about mother/daughter “milestones.” We had sex-ed in school so I knew what was to be expected. And some lady in our church gave my dad a box of pads that sat in the bathroom for years, just in case. Embarrassing at the time when dad had a little conversation but was welcome when the time came. I sure didn’t want yo talk about it to anyone though.That father did everything more than right in my eyes and the “mother” should have been more proactive herself and told her daughter to please come to her anytime with questions even if she is away. Obviously she would opt though to talk to someone nearby, and an aunt is perfect. If that mother truly wanted to be in her kids’ lives, she would get a more convenient job and be available. Nothing makes her go to a remote job site.
I reread the story and I looked through the comments. What I can't seem to find is What is the relationship between mother and daughter. Dad has repeatedly said the children have freedom to communicate with their mother anytime. However this does not tell us what the mother daughter's relationship is like. Whatever it is, I think I would have told the daughter to send a text to her mother. I personally would have left out the girlfriend and instead insert health care provider.
It seems as if dad did everything right. He is the custodial parent, he was physically present during the situation, he was prepared, offered support and other women he trusted in proximity to his daughter. Perfect situation. He’s a great guy. What’s the issue here? Reading between the lines is essential here because the small details about her behavior that he provided & how beautiful he thinks she is, tells an entirely different story. He is a man that is obviously bitter and likely uses situations to hurt her. He gives little details to so that we can come up with our own conclusions about her “infidelity” ,but, when it comes to the restraining order he provides no details on that. I’ve seen plenty of cases where men have the financial means & support while some women don’t. For all we know that restraining order could have come from a result of having enough emotionally, going off on him, & him using that opportunity to his advantage. I don’t trust that guy. Something’s off.
There's nothing wrong here. His ex perfectly knew that she might have her period soon. She should have called her if she really wanted to know.
This seems crazy that everyone saying hes the a*****e, in my opinion. I mean if his daughter wanted to call her mom she could have, his daughter is not dumb. People are acting as if since he didn't ask her if she wanted to call her mom there was no way she could have. My parents were divorced too and my mother was across the country when I got my first with my dad. I could have called her if I wanted and I did when I felt like it. Good grief. He's a good dad and did what he could.
For all of those People saying he's the a*****e or ESH , think about this. The kid didn't feel the need to tell their mom about it so why should the dad have to? It's the kids choice. I remember when I got mine my grandmother called my mom who then called almost everyone in the family. It was embarrassing. She cried and s**t too. It's not a " omg your becoming a woman" being a 'woman' is about emotional maturity,not the fact that you're bleeding out of your vagina at least once a month. The dad did what he could and offered two OTHER solutions besides the mom since he doesn't talk to the mother. The daughter could've contacted her mother about it. But she didn't. End of story. Some moms ( no hate) make their daughters periods all about how THEY feel instead of how the kid feels . Congratulations you're bleeding out of your vagina is weird to say isn't it? That's the same with saying congrats on getting your period . Voilà
The father was prepared, he handled everything perfectly and provided access to female support. I think if a daughter experiencing her 1st period does not want the mother involved there is a good reason, and that it should be the daughters choice. After all for most of human history menstruation meant a girl is entering womanhood.
If teleportation was an actual power in real life, imagine the good it can be used for! One can be in another location instantly, regardless of how far away they are, no worries about delays or cancellations! But, since it's not, OP had to use the folks who are close by, not the ex who's 400 miles away! So he's NTA!!
Man, a lot of people jumped on the OP for not saying 'your mom' as someone the daughter could talk to. But given that things between them are bad enough that he had to get a LITERAL RESTRAINING ORDER against her, I'd say that becomes pretty understandable. It certainly wouldn't occur to me to list her as an option in that scenario. Also, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who thinks the idea of the first period as a 'mother/daughter moment' is weird.
My answer is quite simple, the dad did nothing wrong. Coming from a girl I think the dad did an amazing job! When I started my period everything was simple and it wasn’t treated like a milestone (since it isn’t in my opinion). My mom helped me with my pads and talked to me about everything. We didn’t see it as a mommy daughter bonding woohoo thing it’s just something you gotta deal with lol. I think the ex is crazy as hell and weird if she’s seeing it as only a mother daughter thing. When I have kids I want the father to not be weird or awkward about it with our kid. Just offer as much info as you can and just be there. Overall periods suck and should be treated casually.
Well… just a thought… but reading his replies: It seems he wants to be in the right. No interest in other opinions. So altough I think he did the best he could, doesn‘t mean he isn‘t in the wrong. He feels it doesn‘t matter - at that seems to be the only thing that matters.
Yeah. I think he wanted support rather than honest feedback (which is fine, but he should have posted someplace else to get that response). For the record, I think he was right in how he handled the situation, but wrong in how he responded to the comments. It is valid criticism to ask why he didn't suggest the daughter call her mother. He could have said that he thought the conversation was too important to have over the phone, or that he hadn't considered suggesting she call her mom, or that he wanted to be able to support his daughter 'on his own'. I think he realized that those answers may have made him look a little bad to some people. Still the corporate response of refusing to acknowledge that he could have potentially done something better makes you wonder why he posted this story.
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NTA. Daughter needed help. The dad helped. She could have called her mom, but didn't. 🤷
Someone writing about my life? My parents had the same situation in their divorce. Mom dropped us three kids like we were a burden then would get pissed at our dad for not telling her things to use as a play up as "the good mother". I figured it out pretty early on and wouldn't tell her anything. My dad respected that and stopped suggesting that I talk to her since I didn't want to involve her in my life anymore. I think this may be the case here too.
NTA being there for your daughter with facts and supplies. But, yeah, AH and proud of it (!) otherwise about the whole situation. At the same time it's a tad creepy that your ex has built this mother-daughter milestone bonding thing around a first period. I was 10. My dad was there for me because my mother was hospitalized. She was likely glad that she wasn't the one faced with how massively unimpressed I was that this was not a one-off occurrence. I got over it. But seriously.
I just don't get the point in him saying "while I thought she was beautiful it wasn't as easy for other people to see"..?
Presumably to note that until she got to her job site, she didn't get a lot of attention from other men, which caused her low self esteem and contributed to her cheating.
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Also the milestone is supporting your child through something potentially very difficult, there can be allot of embarrassment and shame felt by women and young girls and I can understand a mother wanting to be there to support their child. It's not about some creepy vagina celebration like some people seem to have experienced.
Why bother asking people's opinion if you are just going to repeat the same defense. I don't think op actually wants to know if he's being the AH he just wants to confirm he did nothing wrong while ignoring everyone's comments about the language and alienation caused by such language. You clearly want your child to turn to someone other than your ex, pretending you aren't encouraging that and doubling down on she can call anytime is quite frankly BS. Yes you believe they can call whenever, they may believe that doing so disappoints you in some way. She may feel its not as safe a space because you lead her to believe your sister or girlfriend are a better choice. didnt say they are unhappy when she calls, or she was a danger to my children so they are not allowed to see her. If roles were reversed and she had majority custody how would it feel if she completely dismissed your feelings on missing a milestone in your daughters life just because she didn't agree on it being said milestone?
Did she want him to stop the period? She's the subject of a restraining order, so he can't call her. There were other, clearly more trustworthy, people to walk her through anything dad missed. She's going to be getting her period for many years to come; this isn't a one time only event.
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It has been a mother daughter things for years specifically BECAUSE the men have stayed uninvolved, which is not a good thing. Both parents being prepared to support the needs of their children is a good thing. Also, yes, this is a milestone in the daughter's life, but it is HERS, not her mother's. The mom demanding to have a spot in dealing with this because she thinks it is her right is creepy and intrusive. Imagine being selfish enough to be angry that your kid has competent support from her whole family when dealing with something as s****y as starting her period. Periods suck. Having loving support makes it suck a lot less. The mom needs to grow up.
This is a tricky one!! The mom works hundreds of miles away , the kids have cell phones and are able to call their mom when THEY WANT TO . Coming from a child of divorce, I am 40yrs old, I didn't have the convenience of a cell phone to text or call my mom. I had to use the house phone, in the family room, I still remember the comments from my dad about my mom ... anyway.. for a dad to prepare ahead of time is great.. I got my period, my dad said go see if your mom left anyone those things somewhere in the cabinet... I found one. My school nurse was a godsend, she sent me home with "supplies" she also explained what to expect. I often used the phone in her office to call my mom to check in say hi, whatever.. the point is ... at least this dad is prepared for his child . Soo many single dads don't have a clue, nor do they have the resources to help them. If the child is close to her mom, then ok , she can call her mom . It's gonna happen monthly for a long time...
+1 faith in humanity for the dad -5 faith in humanity for the responses. All I heard through the entire article is Dad gets cheated on by wife, accepts it as it is, divorces and is forced to get a restraining order. Supports kids best way he could and is given a situation where he has very little experience so reads up and asks people who know about it first hand and provides the best support he could. The one line that especially sold me on this "what would of happened if it was your week with the kids, to which she replied that's besides the point" basically equates to I am incredibly upset by the situation but if the roles were flipped you can guarantee I would of done the same to you and expected you to be fine with it
NTA. Isn't this the very thing we expect mothers and fathers for that matter to teach their sons about understanding a females body when this happens and not make it a "taboo" subject? He did everything right. Maybe the mom should prioritize her time between her job and kids if it mattered that much to her. Besides it isn't up to the ex-husband to tell her, her daughter needs to tell her.
The man has primary custody and a restraining order and yet he's the bad guy to some. There are a whole lot of women who really dislike men on BP and this little story is just one of many that shows that. I think there a quite a few women who might want to try therapy or some good weed and get over this whole "men are bad no matter what the f**k they say or do" mentality. Not all of us are bad guys.
What i don't understand is this: He is asking "AITA"? But any time someone mentions the possibility that yes, he might be, for whatever reason, his response is pretty much "no, i'm not". So what's the bleeding point? At least on the bit where he didn't include her mom in the list of people she could call, he could have admitted he may have been wrong there. Not saying he should have told the kid to call her mom specifically, but maybe suggesting she could call his sister, his gf or even, if she feels so inclined, her mom would have been much better (i think)
I don't think he's an a*****e, but some women celebrate periods and if it really was a mother/daughter thing to her then I can see why she's upset. But again...he did nothing wrong. My mom threw me a "period party" when I had my first one. Like as big as my sweet 16 was, lol. I on the other hand, would never throw my daughter one (if I had one lol) because it's not that big of a deal to me
For all we know, maybe the daughter didn't want to make it a big deal and delayed telling her on purpose to avoid it. The fact she could contact her anytime from her phone and didn't do it right away, could be an issue the mother and daughter has a strained relationship. That's not something I would have wanted when I first hit puberty. I didn't even want to hear it from my Mom and I loved her, but I valued my privacy more. I got enough details in class. That was plenty enough for me. 😂
Load More Replies... I don't get this dude's point that mom was 400 miles away. So what? That's what phones and face time and Zoom are for. He should've definitely listed mom as a woman she could call if she wanted. You can taste the bitter in his question. Of course his daughter knows how he feels about her mom and that's going to affect how free she feels to call mom. And then even when people tell him he's the AH he's like no bc mom was 400 miles away. Like the call quality is different between 400 miles and around the corner.
I think there is still a lot of bitterness there. I don't want to flat out call him TA, but he needs to remember the kids should always be #1. It's nice he tried to educate his daughter on periods, but the reality is he can't really know much never having had one. I'm glad the sister was available, but withholding info from the mom (no matter how much she apparently sucks, according to him) is a bit petty and immature imo
Maybe daughter wanted to wait and avoid the fanfare of bonding. There's also that.
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okay so I'm very stuck on the fact that she found out THREE DAYS LATER and was *screaming* at him. Three days is not a long time. But I personally have to say ESH (everyone sucks here). I think he should have at least offered mom up as an option. I latch onto these things so easily with my parents and it messes me up. They're not divorced but my mom is very picky about how much I'm eating. Anyways mom in the story I think she overreacted. I also don't think the kids would feel all that comfortable calling mom in the same house where dad is if he talks about her like that constantly. Kids latch onto little things like a change in tone of voice or a small facial expression change. You really have to watch what you're saying around them, especially about the other parent.
We have no evidence he "badmouths" her in front of the kids. Here he was providing context for why HE avoids talking to the mother, which given how it seems direct contact devolves at least to screaming seems like a good idea. They know he has a restraining order against her ( which would be her fault, btw, they don't hand out restraining orders if you are acting like a civil, responsible adult) and I think given that context even to Reddit strangers he was quite restrained and tried not to paint her as a psycho cheat. Everything the mom did either created the situation in the first place or made it much worse (restraining order, screaming). I honestly don't think I would let her have those kids for unsupervised visitation.
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This is just cruel and mean. Periods ARE a mother/daughter bond. It's fine if dad is included but to exclude one parent? Your life is never the same after get your period.
LOL!!!! I love my Mom, but I was happier with getting the explanation from class. Talk from Mom was embarrassing and mortifying for him, I kind of shut her down past the minimum explanation. I did NOT want a bonding experience over it. Also, he has a restraining against his ex and was not available when she started. Clearly the daughter did not even bother to tell her until after the event occurred.
Load More Replies... Parents should be able to communicate about their children regardless of the situation
The parents aren't allowed to contact each other because he has a restraining order against her, and he can break it by contacting her.
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YTA. The kids can always call their mom when they want to, great. They can also always keep a diet, always eat their veggies, always clean up their room and do their homework when they want to. But do they?
"The kids can always call their mom when they want to...but do they?" Idk, do they? Why wouldn't they?
Load More Replies... HTA. It was a hard divorce. He's still very angry. He didn't offer her mom as an option. He never answered the question "do you talk bad about her in front of your kids" so it was intentional, obviously. Whether you think "it's a big deal" is irrelevant. He did this with intent, that's not debatable. He also knows he's the a*****e. He's a decent person and wanted people to agree with him to feel justified even though he knows his motivation was not casual.
Because her Mom wasn't around to talk to when she started. She was free to call and let her know. Maybe daughter doesn't feel comfortable talking with her mother. Or delayed telling her on purpose to avoid the fanfare. He gave daughter options who she could talk to immediately as Mom wasn't available for a few days anyway. Maybe Mom should prioritize the relationship with her kids instead of getting herself a restraining order to keep away from OP's house. She's unreasonable. If OP was my ex, I wouldn't have gotten myself a restraining order to begin with and I would have been grateful that he found someone she could talk to if I wasn't available for some reason. And also, maybe the daughter didn't want to have a bonding moment with her Mom as she could easily reach her 24/7 even if she had to wait for a response. It's not like she was hospitalized or anything. We don't know her thoughts and opinions.
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Very soft ESH. However, we don't really have enough information about just what this mom has done to require a restraining order against her. He might be NTA. The OP keeps saying over and over that he doesn't restrict his kids from contacting their mom... but it's pretty clear that he doesn't really want her in their lives. And there might be good reason for that. At least he was prepared for this, and ensured that his daughter had someone to ask questions from. The mom's insistence that she's 'missed out on a milestone' is weird, and it really feels like it's more about her than it is about their daughter.
The biggest thing I get from this is this guy didn't ask because he genuinely wanted honest answers. He asked AITA in hopes of bolstering his ego because he knows that he kinda was. I mean, it's great that he did what he did and didn't just try to pass it off - BUT even though he repeats that the kid knows they can talk to their mom - he clearly doesn't play that up as a positive, and while maybe he doesn't think so it's very obvious to others just in the way he communicated the story. Maybe instead of continuing to defend his position he should be open to others (especially others with professional backgrounds in things like this) and take a step back to ensure he's helping to create the best environment he can for his daughter, ultimately that is the most important thing.
He mentioned he had a restraining order against her and that she wasn't available when she started. Also, I think 10 is old enough for the child to decide. He gave options until she could get a chance to talk to her Mom. Mom is being ridiculous. I would have been content with "hey, she started" so I could stock up and gave a thanks for getting her the extra help she needed until I was available. But I also, wouldn't have done anything to get myself a restraining order either. Don't even know if Mom has a good relationship with her daughter or if daughter barely talks to her even if she has easy access to contact her anytime. I'd rather my daughter have other women she could talk in case I wasn't available for whatever reason.
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I do think it was a s****y thing to leave the child's mother out when giving his daughter options of who to contact. Then, digging his heals in when responding to people, saying "she can call her mum whenever she wants" after having actively directed her daughter away from considering that option made him a full-on a*****e to me. Insulting the mother at the beginning for no reason didn't really help his case going in, either.
Sounds like Mom is piece of work anyway. She's always gone and got a restraining order against her. Maybe daughter doesn't care that much for her mother for all we know
Load More Replies... Am I the only one irritated by this man when people suggest he should've offered the mom as an option that he blows it off because she's "400 miles away" as if one has to be physically present to offer support or be an option?
No. Dude did great being prepared and comfortable so his daughter wouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassment. He did great offering two options for people she could talk to in person. He would have been all around great if, after suggesting she talk to her aunt or dad's SO, he had said, "hey, why don't you give your mom a call?" Kid definitely picked up on him not mentioning mom. If it really wasn't on purpose he needs to be way more intentional about sharing kid info with the mom. A daily update on the parenting app would probably be enough to let the kids know he really is okay with them contacting mom.
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Is no one going to mention that, for a man who supposedly "did his homework", he could have actively harmed his daughter? Tampons are not for 10 year olds. Even the teen tampons are not for 10 year olds. Pads. That's it. When you're still a kid when you start your period, you only use pads. Ffs "i watched a video, I'm so knowledgeable". Yes she should have had a woman to talk to about this. Not necessarily her mom if mom isn't around, but a woman. It's not a man's business to tell a girl how to handle her period, especially since he obviously got it wrong and is clueless about it.
Wtf are you talking about? I used tampons almost exclusively from the age of 10 to 23.
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There's not enough information here to gather the whole story. Either one or both are a complete trainwreck and the fact that bits of more info come out in the comments makes me even less sure if he dynamics of the relationships here. The way he keeps saying "she can call her mom if she wants" is just like, yeah she COULD, but how would dad react if she did?.. The fact that he was basically like, "pick a lady: my gf or sister" is odd as well. Sometimes a girl needs her mom—not her dads girlfriend and not her aunt but her mother—for things and it's hard to say if this particular girl needed her mom but maybe felt she couldn't talk to her because her dad might get mad. But that's kinda the feeling I got from it. Obviously some people don't see the big deal about it but for a lot of people it IS a big deal. A young girls body is changing and she may not know how to handle it. It's a huge deal at that age.
He's a 100% the AH here. And his follow up comments prove it. This was always about his bitterness over his ex and not about the welfare of the child. Had the ex been an option to talk to about it or had he informed her of what happened, that'd be one thing. But his lack of inclusion of her is what makes him the AH. A restraining order to the house or custody doesn't change that.
He can't contact her. That would violate the restraining order. This wasn't an emergency. The kid wasn't bleeding to death.
Load More Replies... I don't think he did anything wrong. I also don't think periods are mom/ daughter bonding or some huge milestone in a woman's life. Its at best an irritant at worst a source of constant pain, but hardly an achievement. Society puts a lot of weird ( and often gross) expectations of what "coming into womanhood" means for girls as their bodies mature and particularly when they have sex. Its clear in this case the mom is far away and can't physically come and talk to the girl so offering up two female role models for a face to face chat seems like a good alternative. And given he has a restraining order against her and the marriage clearly imploded, he is not badmouthing her. I am sure there is a whole truckload of crazy he could bring up if he wanted to, because judges don't just hand out restraining orders like candy. Instead he is saying why HE doesn't talk to the ex and why, in addition to not thinking it a big deal, he didn't call the ex. Also kudos to him for being prepared
I get the feeling he tries very hard to not talk or write bad about a truly bad ex to the point it's detrimental to himself. If he has a restraining order, something really bad must have gone down, so I don't think it's reasonable to expect from him to actively try to include the mom. It seems to me he didn't try to punish her by not naming her in the list, but considering that the mom has a restraining order and only visitation rights, he knew she wouldn't be a great person to talk to his daughter in this situation but tries to still not wash dirty laundry on Reddit in case his children find the post
Load More Replies... Seeing a period as a "milestone" in your daughter's life is really very creepy to me. ^ Ginny said it better than I could already, so there ya go.
I’m a twin - when my twin got her period before me, my mum noticed and went up to her all hugs and “congratulations! I’m so proud of you! You’re a woman now!” Which made her feel embarrassed and weird, and of course she told me about it. When I got my first period like 3 months later I did everything I could to hide it from my mom because I didn’t want that to happen to me lol, even now that I’m 30 the thought of it makes me cringe hard. If I ever have a daughter, I’m just going to treat it like no big deal but still an open and comfortable subject. “Here’s some pads and tampons, here’s how to use them, try both and let me know which you like (or if you want both) or if you have questions and I’ll keep them on the grocery list. Here’s where we hide the chocolate from Dad. Here’s some stuff for cramps cause they suck but if it gets bad we should pay attention and ask a doctor. Blood tends to stain so if you need help with laundry here’s what to do to save your clothes and sheets. I’ve ruined my share of sheets and panties in my day so don’t stress if you do it on occasion too. A good man will never shame you for it or for anything else period-related, including your mood.” A casual real conversation like that would have been much more appreciated.
Load More Replies... Well I think the fact that the child didn't contact her mom first in the first place says a lot. The mom found out about it days later. If the mom had prepped the girl for this moment and had a good relationship with her, then the kid would have mentioned it to her first thing, no?
My guess too. A good mom would have already talked to her daughter about this beforehand and encouraged her to call. But this mom has a restraining order. So I highly doubt she's a good person.
Load More Replies... Does no one realise what a restraining order means? For the father to get a restraining order against the mother, the mother must have done something very abusive and unhinged to the dad. Why would anyone in their right mind expect a person to suggest that their children contact another person who treated them so badly they had to get a restraining order and whose first reaction is to call and scream at people if something isn't going their way especially something so minor? He tries to deflect and not talk badly about his ex. That's all that can be expected from someone who had to go to court to get another person to leave them alone. To expect them to actively facilitate contact is beyond reasonable. He let's the children have contact if they so choose, but obviously doesn't think the mom is a good influence. And it seems a judge at some point agreed with him. So why is everyone flying to the conclusion that dad should involve the mom?
I was not in the room the first time my daughter had her period. She was at her dad's. I really feel like our relationship is strong enough to survive. There are hundreds of milestones. This isn't the one to die on.
I find it funny that among the first reactions on Reddit people take offense of him giving context on their separation. When you read about any divorce on Reddit or hear people talking about one IRL without such context everybody just assumes probably the guy will have done something wrong (just because and "why else doesn't he say what caused the break up". Just as everyone seems to miss that the father in this case has made the sacrifice to be the stable parent to his children.
Sacrifice may be too strong of a word, it is about making changes to become more stable and any single parent gives up a lot of their own leisure to be able to be a good parent. I'd do it myself in a heartbeat and so did he, but his wife choose not to.
Load More Replies... She could have talked to mom but chose her aunt instead. It was up to the daughter to tell mom.
It's just a period. It's just blood. I'm so confused rn- such a 'milestone'... I'm very concerned about the restraining order tho
Right? This celebration of a normal bodily function as if it was something sacred "Hey, our little Isabella is bleeding! Get the neighbours! Sacrifice a lamb! Where's the fireworks?" Effin fertily cult vibes.
Load More Replies... NTA. If the mom thought so strongly about it, then how come the daughter was not prepared? Why did she (or the father) not explain things when she was 8? Or 9? (Although I think 10 is on the young side to start a period, here the average is 12 I think).
It is quite young, but it seems kids are getting it earlier. I’ve read somewhere there is a theory that people flushing medications doesn’t the toilet and getting into the water system, like hormones/birth control, may cause puberty to be triggered earlier. Who knows for sure. The scary thought is now a young girl can become pregnant.
Load More Replies... GO DAD! He did a better job than my mom did for me ! 🙌🙌🤣 If either of my boys and their partners ever adopt a daughter, THIS is how I expect them to act. Edit: It wasn't his tale to tell, it was his daughter's. SHE chose to wait to until Mom called HER.
Same. My mom didn't even tell me about it at all. Imagine my surprise. Lol. I'm going to make sure my own daughter is prepared..
Load More Replies... NTA he handled it perfectly, well prepared to help his daughter deal with the changes in her body (something far too few men do or even care about), he offered his daughter a choice of people she could tall to and has no one noticed he said that there is a restraining order against his ex? There is a lot here that is not said, we don't have all the information. As for mum going off at dad for not telling her, I'm not sure that's the best reaction. Mine would have been, did you tell her this, does she have that, is she ok? I know when I got my first one it freaked me out and I had all the information before and I was older than his daughter. Yes telling his ex would have been wise, equally the daughter could have phoned her mum but she chose to ask her aunt instead... as I said more is going on here than we are told
Menstruation isn't a big issue in my house. My wife and I are together, so when my daughter started, she took the lead. But I was there, we went to the store together to get supplies, and my daughter has never felt weird or uncomfortable talking to me about it. It really bothers me that guys get judged negatively merely for being men. He is not with his ex, he has limited contact with her (he had filed a restraining order against her), there was no medical issue. Seems to me this was the daughter's story to tell. She had the ability to call her mother and did not.
I don't think we have enough info to decide if he's the AH with regards his wife. He should however speak to his daughter and ask if and how she would have liked it to pan out. Find out if she wanted to speak to her Mum and if she did want to, what stopped her. She's 10, it's unfair to say "she has her phone she can call her" and just leave it. And if the daughter says she didn't want to speak to her Mum... problem solved.
I think, if a 10 yrs pld with a phone doesnot call her mom about her period she propably does not want to. When I got mine I did not ask my mother for advise. I would have let the daughter know, that her mom needs to know so she can stock up on stuff and then tell the mother on the day she gets the daughter.
Load More Replies... You know, my mom and I had a conversation about periods BEFORE my first one. As a parent, you don't want to wait until the periods start. The mom literally could have had the conversation any time before.
I don't get the "you're an A____ because you didn't offer up the Ex as a woman to talk to" The child is old enough to know her Mom has a period and the child could talk to her. As the Dad mentioned, the Ex was in the middle of her traveling part of her job. She wasn't available, so he offered two women who were available. I guess he was supposed to call up the manager and get the period delayed until his Ex is no longer traveling for work? I don't think he did anything wrong. If the daughter wanted to talk to Mom, she could have. It's not up to Dad to keep trying to get the kids involved with his Ex. Nor is it up to him to try to keep the Ex involved with the kids. He has enough on his plate, sounds like.
If this were my brother (or something) I'd probably have suggested he said to his daughter something like: Hey this is the kind of thing both parents should know for supplies and in case you need anything. Do you want to tell your mom? If she said no, then offer to let mom know himself. It reminds her her mom should be in the loop (respects her as a parent), but puts the daughter in charge of the timeline (not mom or dad)
Do what's at that best for your kids. There are lots of precious moments that can become milestones in your children's lives... You can't always be there for everything, kids don't always want to tell you everything either... If you going to only focus on the things you fear to miss out on, you end up missing them all... In this situation, this 10 old girl might not want to talk to her mom... All we can do is try and be there when they need us. Even when that's okay to say, that's still a lot of pressure for a 10 year old to face eh.
Wait, did this mom just ask to reschedule her 10-year-old daughter's natural bodily processes until it's a more convenient time for her? She sounds like a textbook example of a narcissistic personality type.
No. She asked to be informed that it happened.
Load More Replies... That poor little girl. She must be feeling mortified the adults in her life are bickering over a very private time, and discussing it all over the internet.
I DEFINITELY don't think periods are a bonding thing or milestone. When you're young, they're gross, scary, painful, and most of the time, we don't want to talk about it. Maybe that's just how I was raised, idk. I had to learn about puberty and periods from a book when I was a kid. My Mom kinda glossed over that stuff but didn't tell me how to use pads or tampons or really what periods would entail. She gave me an American Girl book. 🙄
I hid it from my mom until she found out and got mad at me. That was embarrassing enough. I didn't want my own daughter feeling the same, so I talked to her about what periods are quite young, so she wouldn't feel so scared and lost about it. When the time came, she whispered it to me and we got her what she needed and helped her out with how to use pads. (She's an adult now.) That's all it was about. There was no "special celebration" or bonding and talking very much about it all day. I wasn't gushing about it like it was taking her first steps and saying her first words. Point being, this mom in the article was using that moment for her own petty agenda against the dad. The dad has his own issues dealing with his ex, and being a tad petty and over stepping boundaries, too.
Load More Replies... Honestly when it comes to being a father helping his daughter with a period he was well prepared many dads don't know how to help at all. However I do unfortunately see a very toxic household with him if that's the way he talks about the mother around his daughter.
Given the restraining order, I think he was very tactful about not making his ex look like a total psycho. I am sure he could have. I also think he has a right to be hurt by her cheating ( and other crazy) and to want to avoid talking to her if he can. I think he has made the best out of a difficult situation (that was not of his making) and it was great he was there to support his daughter.
Load More Replies... I don't even remember if I told my mom or made any kind of big deal about it. They had already reviewed it in school and given us supplies. Regardless, sounds like the mom is just being overly emotional because she doesn't see her kids enough. Understandable, but her reaction towards the father most likely had little to do with the issue at hand and everything to do with her resentment towards him and the custody situation.
It's also very possible that she's just completely abusive and out of control. She is the subject of a stay away order, which means that a judge, at a hearing she attended and testified at, determined that she was enough of a danger to her ex that she isn't allowed near him. If she was just difficult and mildly abusive, it is likely that it would have been a refrain from order (tells her that she has to refrain from being verbally abusive, harassing, threatening, making/posting comments about him that are false or slanderous, etc). There are a lot of good parents out there that just don't know how to successfully put their feelings for their ex aside and coparent, but there are also some full-on psychopaths who are unable to control their rage or suppress a dangerous need to exact "revenge" on a ex.
Load More Replies... Good for you Dad. When that happened to my daughter her Mom was nowhere to be found. I called up a couple of my old girlfriends because I had no idea. They left with my wallet and my daughter. For me, that was the best solution!
NTA but your ex definitely is. To me, it seems like she's expecting you to somehow stop your daughter's period just so SHE can be there, when realistically all you could've done was maybe video call her about it assuming she wasn't too busy with work. Call it a "mother-daughter bonding experience" all she wants, but I don't see any way to bond with ANYONE over that, it's a medical situation not a wedding announcement or some big event. Your daughter may feel some excitement but it'll be replaced with pain and irritation over time, and I'm praying she has mild periods in the future as a growing woman. Her mother simply wanted to make this about herself because she doesn't have the kids as often as you, and is angry that it's another thing she missed out on due to her job.
Reading he replies to the comments, NTA. Also, not every girl feels comfortable talking with their parents. I love my parents, but I was not interested with the talk from my Mom. I found it embarrassing and mortifying. I was fine with getting the details from my science teacher and that was all the details I was happy with. Not a milestone hill for Mom to die one to be honest.
I don't think he's an a*****e here at all. I think he handled it quite well, too. Especially since he was so prepared and it's not as though he told his daughter she couldn't speak to her mom at all either.
The ex wife can go p!ss up a rope. And so can the judgmental @ssholes trashing the dad.
As a woman: FFS, it's a first period, not her first child. She needs someone she can trust, who explains the stuff to her and whom she feels comfortable to ask questions. She got that. Women are not breeding mares, there's no need to make such a big fuss of a basic biological function. A guy is providing perfectly for his daughter going through that experience, and some of the Sacred Motherhood of Gilead have a go at him because he didn't tell Maman. What would the mother have added? She can still celebrate with her daughter, if she feels the need to. Or do we now need First Period Reveals with big confetti explosions in the garden?
NTA at all the girl chose not to inform the mum immediately but after she called. The dad provided pads and the info and offered a Q andA with two females he trusted. Also what milestone? Is it a milestone when a boy starts having wet dreams too? What a weird concept.
He is definitely NTA. Just because someone is the female parent doesn't make her a "mom". Sounds like she could have talked to her mother anytime she wanted, and chose another female relative who was immediately available. As a woman who has a narcissistic mother, mom isn't always the best choice to talk about anything with, regardless of the fact she carried & birthed you.
Ergh, getting your period at such a young age would be traumatic if you don't have someone willing to discuss what's happening and giving you options. Treating it like it's no big deal because it's biology seems a better approach than "oh good now you can make babies and are now apart of this misogynistic culture where bodily autonomy applies to men only." I have tons of friends whose mothers didn't explain and actively didn't give them any help, just handed them a box of tampons and said "here use this " This was before Google so they had to read instructions included in the box, or in one case, ask a librarian for recommendations on the best puberty books to read. So many are saying that her mom should be a part of such an important milestone. How do we know this? We don't know what the relationship is between them, and as OP rightly points out, she was 400 miles away at the time.
Why ask for anybody's opinion when you don't want to hear it? People are telling him EXACTLY WHY they think he was in the wrong and all he can do is retort with the same broken record statements. She was beautiful, they can talk whenever they want, she lives 400 miles away 🧟♂️ Stuff it. Dad clearly can't stand the mom and is subconsciously trying to create a rift between the daughter and her mother or is consciously doing it and just doesn't want to admit it to the public. I see right through you Mr. Cellophane.
He sounds like a defensive broken record. "She's beautiful. They can talk anytime. She's 400 miles away." Which all equates to excuses blah blah blah excuse blah. Its just his justifications and rationalisations for being a jaded goober. Nobody cares that your wife was one of 12 women at a camp of men. As a woman from the oil field who gets hit on regularly and has been unmarried, monogamous and faithful to my CIS male partner for 17 years (we've been together since I was 18), this dad's comments are highly offensive, suggesting women who work in camps are whores on the side. I have a feeling his wife didn't cheat because of the attention she got on site but because she was tired of being with this dorky reject. It also sounds like he took advantage of her cheating and got a restraining order, DIRECTLY keeping her from her children. My dad lives 800 MILES away from me. We talk regularly face to face via this AMAZING new thing called THE INTERNET 🤯 WOOOAH
His daughter does spend some time with her mom. If mom was that important to her, she would've wanted to call her immediately. Kids can make their own decisions about their parents. Take it from someone who knows.
Can we stop treating a normal bodily function like it's magic? He is absolutely correct that either parent can deal with biological issues.
My mother died when I was young so I guess I’m not sentimental about mother/daughter “milestones.” We had sex-ed in school so I knew what was to be expected. And some lady in our church gave my dad a box of pads that sat in the bathroom for years, just in case. Embarrassing at the time when dad had a little conversation but was welcome when the time came. I sure didn’t want yo talk about it to anyone though.That father did everything more than right in my eyes and the “mother” should have been more proactive herself and told her daughter to please come to her anytime with questions even if she is away. Obviously she would opt though to talk to someone nearby, and an aunt is perfect. If that mother truly wanted to be in her kids’ lives, she would get a more convenient job and be available. Nothing makes her go to a remote job site.
I reread the story and I looked through the comments. What I can't seem to find is What is the relationship between mother and daughter. Dad has repeatedly said the children have freedom to communicate with their mother anytime. However this does not tell us what the mother daughter's relationship is like. Whatever it is, I think I would have told the daughter to send a text to her mother. I personally would have left out the girlfriend and instead insert health care provider.
It seems as if dad did everything right. He is the custodial parent, he was physically present during the situation, he was prepared, offered support and other women he trusted in proximity to his daughter. Perfect situation. He’s a great guy. What’s the issue here? Reading between the lines is essential here because the small details about her behavior that he provided & how beautiful he thinks she is, tells an entirely different story. He is a man that is obviously bitter and likely uses situations to hurt her. He gives little details to so that we can come up with our own conclusions about her “infidelity” ,but, when it comes to the restraining order he provides no details on that. I’ve seen plenty of cases where men have the financial means & support while some women don’t. For all we know that restraining order could have come from a result of having enough emotionally, going off on him, & him using that opportunity to his advantage. I don’t trust that guy. Something’s off.
There's nothing wrong here. His ex perfectly knew that she might have her period soon. She should have called her if she really wanted to know.
This seems crazy that everyone saying hes the a*****e, in my opinion. I mean if his daughter wanted to call her mom she could have, his daughter is not dumb. People are acting as if since he didn't ask her if she wanted to call her mom there was no way she could have. My parents were divorced too and my mother was across the country when I got my first with my dad. I could have called her if I wanted and I did when I felt like it. Good grief. He's a good dad and did what he could.
For all of those People saying he's the a*****e or ESH , think about this. The kid didn't feel the need to tell their mom about it so why should the dad have to? It's the kids choice. I remember when I got mine my grandmother called my mom who then called almost everyone in the family. It was embarrassing. She cried and s**t too. It's not a " omg your becoming a woman" being a 'woman' is about emotional maturity,not the fact that you're bleeding out of your vagina at least once a month. The dad did what he could and offered two OTHER solutions besides the mom since he doesn't talk to the mother. The daughter could've contacted her mother about it. But she didn't. End of story. Some moms ( no hate) make their daughters periods all about how THEY feel instead of how the kid feels . Congratulations you're bleeding out of your vagina is weird to say isn't it? That's the same with saying congrats on getting your period . Voilà
The father was prepared, he handled everything perfectly and provided access to female support. I think if a daughter experiencing her 1st period does not want the mother involved there is a good reason, and that it should be the daughters choice. After all for most of human history menstruation meant a girl is entering womanhood.
If teleportation was an actual power in real life, imagine the good it can be used for! One can be in another location instantly, regardless of how far away they are, no worries about delays or cancellations! But, since it's not, OP had to use the folks who are close by, not the ex who's 400 miles away! So he's NTA!!
Man, a lot of people jumped on the OP for not saying 'your mom' as someone the daughter could talk to. But given that things between them are bad enough that he had to get a LITERAL RESTRAINING ORDER against her, I'd say that becomes pretty understandable. It certainly wouldn't occur to me to list her as an option in that scenario. Also, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who thinks the idea of the first period as a 'mother/daughter moment' is weird.
My answer is quite simple, the dad did nothing wrong. Coming from a girl I think the dad did an amazing job! When I started my period everything was simple and it wasn’t treated like a milestone (since it isn’t in my opinion). My mom helped me with my pads and talked to me about everything. We didn’t see it as a mommy daughter bonding woohoo thing it’s just something you gotta deal with lol. I think the ex is crazy as hell and weird if she’s seeing it as only a mother daughter thing. When I have kids I want the father to not be weird or awkward about it with our kid. Just offer as much info as you can and just be there. Overall periods suck and should be treated casually.
Well… just a thought… but reading his replies: It seems he wants to be in the right. No interest in other opinions. So altough I think he did the best he could, doesn‘t mean he isn‘t in the wrong. He feels it doesn‘t matter - at that seems to be the only thing that matters.
Yeah. I think he wanted support rather than honest feedback (which is fine, but he should have posted someplace else to get that response). For the record, I think he was right in how he handled the situation, but wrong in how he responded to the comments. It is valid criticism to ask why he didn't suggest the daughter call her mother. He could have said that he thought the conversation was too important to have over the phone, or that he hadn't considered suggesting she call her mom, or that he wanted to be able to support his daughter 'on his own'. I think he realized that those answers may have made him look a little bad to some people. Still the corporate response of refusing to acknowledge that he could have potentially done something better makes you wonder why he posted this story.
Load More Replies... NTA. Daughter needed help. The dad helped. She could have called her mom, but didn't. 🤷
Someone writing about my life? My parents had the same situation in their divorce. Mom dropped us three kids like we were a burden then would get pissed at our dad for not telling her things to use as a play up as "the good mother". I figured it out pretty early on and wouldn't tell her anything. My dad respected that and stopped suggesting that I talk to her since I didn't want to involve her in my life anymore. I think this may be the case here too.
NTA being there for your daughter with facts and supplies. But, yeah, AH and proud of it (!) otherwise about the whole situation. At the same time it's a tad creepy that your ex has built this mother-daughter milestone bonding thing around a first period. I was 10. My dad was there for me because my mother was hospitalized. She was likely glad that she wasn't the one faced with how massively unimpressed I was that this was not a one-off occurrence. I got over it. But seriously.
I just don't get the point in him saying "while I thought she was beautiful it wasn't as easy for other people to see"..?
Presumably to note that until she got to her job site, she didn't get a lot of attention from other men, which caused her low self esteem and contributed to her cheating.
Load More Replies... Also the milestone is supporting your child through something potentially very difficult, there can be allot of embarrassment and shame felt by women and young girls and I can understand a mother wanting to be there to support their child. It's not about some creepy vagina celebration like some people seem to have experienced.
Why bother asking people's opinion if you are just going to repeat the same defense. I don't think op actually wants to know if he's being the AH he just wants to confirm he did nothing wrong while ignoring everyone's comments about the language and alienation caused by such language. You clearly want your child to turn to someone other than your ex, pretending you aren't encouraging that and doubling down on she can call anytime is quite frankly BS. Yes you believe they can call whenever, they may believe that doing so disappoints you in some way. She may feel its not as safe a space because you lead her to believe your sister or girlfriend are a better choice. didnt say they are unhappy when she calls, or she was a danger to my children so they are not allowed to see her. If roles were reversed and she had majority custody how would it feel if she completely dismissed your feelings on missing a milestone in your daughters life just because she didn't agree on it being said milestone?
Did she want him to stop the period? She's the subject of a restraining order, so he can't call her. There were other, clearly more trustworthy, people to walk her through anything dad missed. She's going to be getting her period for many years to come; this isn't a one time only event.
Load More Replies... It has been a mother daughter things for years specifically BECAUSE the men have stayed uninvolved, which is not a good thing. Both parents being prepared to support the needs of their children is a good thing. Also, yes, this is a milestone in the daughter's life, but it is HERS, not her mother's. The mom demanding to have a spot in dealing with this because she thinks it is her right is creepy and intrusive. Imagine being selfish enough to be angry that your kid has competent support from her whole family when dealing with something as s****y as starting her period. Periods suck. Having loving support makes it suck a lot less. The mom needs to grow up.
This is a tricky one!! The mom works hundreds of miles away , the kids have cell phones and are able to call their mom when THEY WANT TO . Coming from a child of divorce, I am 40yrs old, I didn't have the convenience of a cell phone to text or call my mom. I had to use the house phone, in the family room, I still remember the comments from my dad about my mom ... anyway.. for a dad to prepare ahead of time is great.. I got my period, my dad said go see if your mom left anyone those things somewhere in the cabinet... I found one. My school nurse was a godsend, she sent me home with "supplies" she also explained what to expect. I often used the phone in her office to call my mom to check in say hi, whatever.. the point is ... at least this dad is prepared for his child . Soo many single dads don't have a clue, nor do they have the resources to help them. If the child is close to her mom, then ok , she can call her mom . It's gonna happen monthly for a long time...
+1 faith in humanity for the dad -5 faith in humanity for the responses. All I heard through the entire article is Dad gets cheated on by wife, accepts it as it is, divorces and is forced to get a restraining order. Supports kids best way he could and is given a situation where he has very little experience so reads up and asks people who know about it first hand and provides the best support he could. The one line that especially sold me on this "what would of happened if it was your week with the kids, to which she replied that's besides the point" basically equates to I am incredibly upset by the situation but if the roles were flipped you can guarantee I would of done the same to you and expected you to be fine with it
NTA. Isn't this the very thing we expect mothers and fathers for that matter to teach their sons about understanding a females body when this happens and not make it a "taboo" subject? He did everything right. Maybe the mom should prioritize her time between her job and kids if it mattered that much to her. Besides it isn't up to the ex-husband to tell her, her daughter needs to tell her.
The man has primary custody and a restraining order and yet he's the bad guy to some. There are a whole lot of women who really dislike men on BP and this little story is just one of many that shows that. I think there a quite a few women who might want to try therapy or some good weed and get over this whole "men are bad no matter what the f**k they say or do" mentality. Not all of us are bad guys.
What i don't understand is this: He is asking "AITA"? But any time someone mentions the possibility that yes, he might be, for whatever reason, his response is pretty much "no, i'm not". So what's the bleeding point? At least on the bit where he didn't include her mom in the list of people she could call, he could have admitted he may have been wrong there. Not saying he should have told the kid to call her mom specifically, but maybe suggesting she could call his sister, his gf or even, if she feels so inclined, her mom would have been much better (i think)
I don't think he's an a*****e, but some women celebrate periods and if it really was a mother/daughter thing to her then I can see why she's upset. But again...he did nothing wrong. My mom threw me a "period party" when I had my first one. Like as big as my sweet 16 was, lol. I on the other hand, would never throw my daughter one (if I had one lol) because it's not that big of a deal to me
For all we know, maybe the daughter didn't want to make it a big deal and delayed telling her on purpose to avoid it. The fact she could contact her anytime from her phone and didn't do it right away, could be an issue the mother and daughter has a strained relationship. That's not something I would have wanted when I first hit puberty. I didn't even want to hear it from my Mom and I loved her, but I valued my privacy more. I got enough details in class. That was plenty enough for me. 😂
Load More Replies... I don't get this dude's point that mom was 400 miles away. So what? That's what phones and face time and Zoom are for. He should've definitely listed mom as a woman she could call if she wanted. You can taste the bitter in his question. Of course his daughter knows how he feels about her mom and that's going to affect how free she feels to call mom. And then even when people tell him he's the AH he's like no bc mom was 400 miles away. Like the call quality is different between 400 miles and around the corner.
I think there is still a lot of bitterness there. I don't want to flat out call him TA, but he needs to remember the kids should always be #1. It's nice he tried to educate his daughter on periods, but the reality is he can't really know much never having had one. I'm glad the sister was available, but withholding info from the mom (no matter how much she apparently sucks, according to him) is a bit petty and immature imo
Maybe daughter wanted to wait and avoid the fanfare of bonding. There's also that.
Load More Replies... okay so I'm very stuck on the fact that she found out THREE DAYS LATER and was *screaming* at him. Three days is not a long time. But I personally have to say ESH (everyone sucks here). I think he should have at least offered mom up as an option. I latch onto these things so easily with my parents and it messes me up. They're not divorced but my mom is very picky about how much I'm eating. Anyways mom in the story I think she overreacted. I also don't think the kids would feel all that comfortable calling mom in the same house where dad is if he talks about her like that constantly. Kids latch onto little things like a change in tone of voice or a small facial expression change. You really have to watch what you're saying around them, especially about the other parent.
We have no evidence he "badmouths" her in front of the kids. Here he was providing context for why HE avoids talking to the mother, which given how it seems direct contact devolves at least to screaming seems like a good idea. They know he has a restraining order against her ( which would be her fault, btw, they don't hand out restraining orders if you are acting like a civil, responsible adult) and I think given that context even to Reddit strangers he was quite restrained and tried not to paint her as a psycho cheat. Everything the mom did either created the situation in the first place or made it much worse (restraining order, screaming). I honestly don't think I would let her have those kids for unsupervised visitation.
Load More Replies... This is just cruel and mean. Periods ARE a mother/daughter bond. It's fine if dad is included but to exclude one parent? Your life is never the same after get your period.
LOL!!!! I love my Mom, but I was happier with getting the explanation from class. Talk from Mom was embarrassing and mortifying for him, I kind of shut her down past the minimum explanation. I did NOT want a bonding experience over it. Also, he has a restraining against his ex and was not available when she started. Clearly the daughter did not even bother to tell her until after the event occurred.
Load More Replies... Parents should be able to communicate about their children regardless of the situation
The parents aren't allowed to contact each other because he has a restraining order against her, and he can break it by contacting her.
Load More Replies... YTA. The kids can always call their mom when they want to, great. They can also always keep a diet, always eat their veggies, always clean up their room and do their homework when they want to. But do they?
"The kids can always call their mom when they want to...but do they?" Idk, do they? Why wouldn't they?
Load More Replies... HTA. It was a hard divorce. He's still very angry. He didn't offer her mom as an option. He never answered the question "do you talk bad about her in front of your kids" so it was intentional, obviously. Whether you think "it's a big deal" is irrelevant. He did this with intent, that's not debatable. He also knows he's the a*****e. He's a decent person and wanted people to agree with him to feel justified even though he knows his motivation was not casual.
Because her Mom wasn't around to talk to when she started. She was free to call and let her know. Maybe daughter doesn't feel comfortable talking with her mother. Or delayed telling her on purpose to avoid the fanfare. He gave daughter options who she could talk to immediately as Mom wasn't available for a few days anyway. Maybe Mom should prioritize the relationship with her kids instead of getting herself a restraining order to keep away from OP's house. She's unreasonable. If OP was my ex, I wouldn't have gotten myself a restraining order to begin with and I would have been grateful that he found someone she could talk to if I wasn't available for some reason. And also, maybe the daughter didn't want to have a bonding moment with her Mom as she could easily reach her 24/7 even if she had to wait for a response. It's not like she was hospitalized or anything. We don't know her thoughts and opinions.
Load More Replies... Very soft ESH. However, we don't really have enough information about just what this mom has done to require a restraining order against her. He might be NTA. The OP keeps saying over and over that he doesn't restrict his kids from contacting their mom... but it's pretty clear that he doesn't really want her in their lives. And there might be good reason for that. At least he was prepared for this, and ensured that his daughter had someone to ask questions from. The mom's insistence that she's 'missed out on a milestone' is weird, and it really feels like it's more about her than it is about their daughter.
The biggest thing I get from this is this guy didn't ask because he genuinely wanted honest answers. He asked AITA in hopes of bolstering his ego because he knows that he kinda was. I mean, it's great that he did what he did and didn't just try to pass it off - BUT even though he repeats that the kid knows they can talk to their mom - he clearly doesn't play that up as a positive, and while maybe he doesn't think so it's very obvious to others just in the way he communicated the story. Maybe instead of continuing to defend his position he should be open to others (especially others with professional backgrounds in things like this) and take a step back to ensure he's helping to create the best environment he can for his daughter, ultimately that is the most important thing.
He mentioned he had a restraining order against her and that she wasn't available when she started. Also, I think 10 is old enough for the child to decide. He gave options until she could get a chance to talk to her Mom. Mom is being ridiculous. I would have been content with "hey, she started" so I could stock up and gave a thanks for getting her the extra help she needed until I was available. But I also, wouldn't have done anything to get myself a restraining order either. Don't even know if Mom has a good relationship with her daughter or if daughter barely talks to her even if she has easy access to contact her anytime. I'd rather my daughter have other women she could talk in case I wasn't available for whatever reason.
Load More Replies... I do think it was a s****y thing to leave the child's mother out when giving his daughter options of who to contact. Then, digging his heals in when responding to people, saying "she can call her mum whenever she wants" after having actively directed her daughter away from considering that option made him a full-on a*****e to me. Insulting the mother at the beginning for no reason didn't really help his case going in, either.
Sounds like Mom is piece of work anyway. She's always gone and got a restraining order against her. Maybe daughter doesn't care that much for her mother for all we know
Load More Replies... Am I the only one irritated by this man when people suggest he should've offered the mom as an option that he blows it off because she's "400 miles away" as if one has to be physically present to offer support or be an option?
No. Dude did great being prepared and comfortable so his daughter wouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassment. He did great offering two options for people she could talk to in person. He would have been all around great if, after suggesting she talk to her aunt or dad's SO, he had said, "hey, why don't you give your mom a call?" Kid definitely picked up on him not mentioning mom. If it really wasn't on purpose he needs to be way more intentional about sharing kid info with the mom. A daily update on the parenting app would probably be enough to let the kids know he really is okay with them contacting mom.
Load More Replies... Is no one going to mention that, for a man who supposedly "did his homework", he could have actively harmed his daughter? Tampons are not for 10 year olds. Even the teen tampons are not for 10 year olds. Pads. That's it. When you're still a kid when you start your period, you only use pads. Ffs "i watched a video, I'm so knowledgeable". Yes she should have had a woman to talk to about this. Not necessarily her mom if mom isn't around, but a woman. It's not a man's business to tell a girl how to handle her period, especially since he obviously got it wrong and is clueless about it.
Wtf are you talking about? I used tampons almost exclusively from the age of 10 to 23.
Load More Replies... There's not enough information here to gather the whole story. Either one or both are a complete trainwreck and the fact that bits of more info come out in the comments makes me even less sure if he dynamics of the relationships here. The way he keeps saying "she can call her mom if she wants" is just like, yeah she COULD, but how would dad react if she did?.. The fact that he was basically like, "pick a lady: my gf or sister" is odd as well. Sometimes a girl needs her mom—not her dads girlfriend and not her aunt but her mother—for things and it's hard to say if this particular girl needed her mom but maybe felt she couldn't talk to her because her dad might get mad. But that's kinda the feeling I got from it. Obviously some people don't see the big deal about it but for a lot of people it IS a big deal. A young girls body is changing and she may not know how to handle it. It's a huge deal at that age.
He's a 100% the AH here. And his follow up comments prove it. This was always about his bitterness over his ex and not about the welfare of the child. Had the ex been an option to talk to about it or had he informed her of what happened, that'd be one thing. But his lack of inclusion of her is what makes him the AH. A restraining order to the house or custody doesn't change that.
He can't contact her. That would violate the restraining order. This wasn't an emergency. The kid wasn't bleeding to death.
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