Sometimes the world feels like an unfair place. You can’t help but wonder why we are often supposed to do things we shouldn’t be. Like getting a call from work on your day off or being close to your family members just because they’re family and not because you like them. Or shaming coworkers when they leave work on time.
And it turns out, there are many more things that are universally considered as normal, when in fact they’re the exact opposite. It’s just that nobody talks about it. So this Ask Reddit thread has people calling out real-life examples that are “unhealthy, toxic, unfair or unethical” in disguise as perfectly acceptable.
Below, we wrapped up some of the most interesting points so scroll down and let us know if you agree with them in the comments below!
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That you are supposed to be close to/loyal to family because they're family. My family, my mother especially, is abusive and manipulative. People say, "but it's your MOM, you only have one MOM." I say they don't act like family so I don't consider them family.
I haven't done it to any of my family members since they are awesome and thoughtful people, but I have done it to some old close friends because of their toxicity.
Bored Panda reached out to marketing expert and book author Alex Wong who is better known as the “Hijack” Copywriter. Wong has been on a mission to help small and corporate businesses “hijack” their client’s minds and help them to grow their businesses and sales. He was happy to share some insights into things and behaviors that we as a society have normalized without even realizing it.
According to Wong, for-profit colleges are one of those things. “I think we accept these as another means of education for those who can’t get into a typical college or university. However, the education you receive is subpar, isn’t recognized, and is more expensive than what you would receive at a typical school,” he argues and adds that they prioritize profits over everything else.
Parents expecting their kids to respect them no matter how disrespectful, rude, or abusive they are to their kids.
Edit: to all those replying to me as if I'm some spoiled 16 year old; I'm 22 with my own kids. I was constantly called a b***h and a c**t growing up, beaten, manipulated, and then told to get over it by the very person who did all these things to me. So if y'all would kindly f**k off with your gaslighting b******t that'd be great. No one here needs to hear your uninformed and well... abusive opinions. :)
Shaming workmates when they go home on time. "Wow, you're going home on the dot?" "Yes karen, cause i do my work fast so i can do my hobbies and go to the gym, while you rot away trying to impress the company that will never care about you."
Beauty pageants for kids
Yep, put on tons of makeup. Dance studios too. I was grossed out watching adolescents dancing all slutty. Then when they get pregnant at an early age or the parents say, oh I don't know where they learning that from... Yea, right. That's what happens when you start sexualizing your kids at an early age. Let the hating on me begin...
The marketing expert recounted visiting Everest College back in high school to check it out. “The entrance test I was asked to complete was some simple math questions for a grade 6 student. The entire campus was empty and there were no students. It’s safe to say I didn’t go there,” he said.
The other thing that has become very common these days is payday loans. Wong believes that although these may help people who need money quickly and can’t get loans from banks, their interest rates are astronomical. “When you are charging 30-50% interest on a loan, you’re forcing people to be stuck in a vicious cycle of debt.”
He added that “payday loans are accepted because they do offer a service for those who need money quickly, but we need to better educate people on why these are a terrible deal.”
Older people using "respect your elders," as a cop-out to being shitty to younger family members and not being held accountable for it.
Full saying in my language states that "the young must respect the old and the old must be kind to the young". So if the eldar wants respect then he or she needs to show kindness first
Nurses: fighting for 2% payrise.
Politicians: "Sorry not enough money in the budget for that"
Politicians: Give themselves 16% payrise
It happens in teaching too. I once worked at a school where they announced a pay freeze for all teachers because they couldn't afford teacher salaries. Then the same people gave out big bonuses to all of the administration plus raises.
Telling people who are extremely happy over a new purchase why it’s shitty or why they shouldn’t have done it.
I had a buddy who went from an old beat up pickup to a brand new Mazda 3. It looks amazing, is a manual, etc. One of our old friends harassed the living hell out of him telling him that it was a girls car, and that he should’ve just fixed up his old beater because it was more “manly” meanwhile this other guy is literally driving a car that is completely falling apart.
My buddy looked so discouraged and sad. I did the best I could to tell him how awesome his car is, and how much better the technology is in it compared to my older Saab.
This guy worked a ton of overtime saving as much as possble while working a barely higher than minimum wage job to get a decent down payment so he would have a nice monthly payment just to have his greatest accomplishment s**t all over. It is sickening.
I have a s**t ton of video games console that I never got as a kid that I have to save up, find great deals, and collect. Some people shamed me for it like "You're already working/22, why do you need more consoles?". "Uh, because I like them? I have to spend time and money that I earned for it so why are you giving me a hard time bruh?"
“Unless you are the founder or one of the early investors, you have no way to succeed at an MLM,” Wong explained about the flaws of multi-level marketing hiding in plain sight. “Only a few percent of people who join MLMs have a chance of making money, and you would still be better off working a regular part-time job.” The marketing expert argues that we tolerate them because they sell a dream of being your own boss or owning your business and escaping the rat race.
“I had an acquaintance whom I met at a networking event trick me into going to a seminar for Market America years ago. During the whole 1-hour presentation, it was nothing more than a sales pitch to join them. It’s safe to say, I didn’t join them,” Wong told Bored Panda.
Teachers spending their own money on classroom supplies. Along with the mentality that if you aren't sacrificing your entire life "for the kids" that you aren't a good teacher.
And then the parents scream at them for not giving an A to their precious little monster
If someone asks you a yes or no question and you say no then they try to persuade you and get hostile and then expect you to do it anyway. That's not a question but a demand. F**k those people.
The school system and how it deals with fights. Whenever a kid is minding his own business and another kid beats the s**t out of him then they BOTH get in trouble. What the f**k?
This has happened to me. I was on a field trip to some park (can't remember the name) and before we left, we got to make a craft. A few minutes after my craft was done, I got up and walked passed another student, Steve, (real name) who was sitting on the ground and as I walked passed him, I accidentally stepped on his foot. I apologized but Steve's response was to jump on my back and start punching me in the eye. The teachers got him off me and I was given ice for my eye. The next day, we were both given in-school suspension for fighting even though he did all of the hitting and I didn't hit him at all.
Another thing that has been viewed as totally normal which is, in fact, anything but that is teachers spending their own money on classroom supplies, Wong says. “The education system should do a better job supporting its teachers. Teachers are already overworked and underpaid. To expect them to spend their own money to provide a better classroom experience for their students is sad,” he said.
When Wong himself was teaching English in Korea, his co-teacher and he would often have to spend their own money on prizes and gifts for their students. We have become accustomed to high tuition fees and high student debt without questioning it. Many students take the fact for granted.
The idea you can't have a healthy romantic relationship unless you have fights. I don't mean like disagreements - I mean like full-on, screaming at each other, throwing stuff fights. I've had people literally tell me if you don't have fights like this with your partner, then you're hiding stuff from each other. Horrible, toxic fights don't equate to having an emotionally healthy relationship.
Edit: wow! Didn't expect this to blow up - I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking this way. Also thanks for the silver!
People call this 'passionate', when it is in fact just violent, aggressive behavior.
Married 32 years, and not one fight, argument, or spat. I don't fight and argue with my friends, so why would I fight with my wife?
The first fight me and my husband ever had was about German Expressionism. We were sore with each other for at least a solid day. He later told me he even brought it up to his therapist, who said he didn't even know it was possible for a couple to fight over German Expressionism. If you're going to have an argument, do it with style, I say
Nope. Wife and I would argue. Then we would walk away send think about what each other said. We'd then discuss it after we would cool down. Not good to argue with another. I often joke, a happy wife, a happy life. By the time we go to bed, it's all good. Always try to end the day on a good term. It's better to sleep with both eyes closed instead of 1.
My partner and I don't agree 100% of the time, but we both let the little things go and discuss the important things when we are calm. I agree with you!! It makes our lives so much easier.
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There are other ways to resolve conflicts than fights. But these ways are often a lot more work and emotional strain. As one husband put it, "This morning I found that I was in the third day of an argument I didn't even know we were having." I avoid fights with my spouse by reminding myself that the person who wins the fight is not necessarily the person who wins the conflict.
Well fighting in a relationship means you aren’t afraid to speak your mind so it does mean it’s healthy to an extent
I can speak my mind without turning it into a fight.
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I've met married couples who act as if calling their partner actual vulgar names is normal (knew a guy who referred to his wife by the worst names at times). I'm like, "No, that is absolutely NOT normal!"
I hate this so much. We tell girls that when boys are mean it's because they like you and boys get told to 'man up' all the time, then you grow up and get used to being mean to each other as a form of 'love'. My parents fought all the time and then would turn around and say 'i love you'. I'd hear the most vile and horrible things. Some people get so used to saying 'i love you' even when it might not be true. Or, at least, I don't understand why you think this is love. My parents have never understood why I don't ever want to get married and I don't have the heart to tell them it's because of them, and others I know who are the same way. My parents were mean to each other. And it caused me to just want someone who was kind. Kindness is really underrated. I would want someone who couldn't imagine calling me a c*nt or stupid because I forgot to do the laundry or something. I'd honestly rather just be alone and happy and calm than to deal with the person who is supposed to be on my side being horrible to me.
My parents used to fight a lot, mostly when they were drunk, which was often. I'm over 60, btw. When I was around 11 or 12, I told my mother I wouldn't marry a guy who fought with me, she said that all married people fight, and I should get used to it. I never got married (close, though), because I was afraid the man would suddenly change and start fighting. I lost a couple of really good guys because of this.
My wife and I very rarely have even disagreements. We just get along really well.
Lol, my love and I are together five and a half year now and still not one fight up till this very day. Once he raised his voice to me because I refused to let him buy me an electric bycicle (I have arthrosis) and I looked at him sideways and asked him "Are we fighting now?" Then we had a good laugh about it and a few weeks later I told him yes, that electric bike would be a great idea <3
Fight, yes. But fight fair, which means tactical empathy, clear rules (like don't argue after 10), frequent breaks, and nothing abusive (throwing things, manipulative, gaslight to ing, "you're just like your mother," etc). Oh, and if you fight about something as if you and your partner are on one side, and the problem is on the other - sooo much healthier!
My ex used to make me crazy...I hated that feeling. The man I'm with now? We've never had a fight like that.. maybe a misunderstanding or a small tiff..It's soooo much better!
My husband doesn’t even argue with me, let alone have fights. I have a temper and come from family with tempers and loud yelling.
I am in a relationship for 16 years now. The moment that we are having a fight like described here I really really fear for the ending of said relationship. We never had a fight or arguement
Speaking from experience, if you feel like the fight is escalating to this point, walk away for a while until you both cool down. My ex NEVER left me alone when we fought and I would tell him that I need a few minutes to chill, then we can talk about whatever we're fighting about. Sure enough, he would accuse me of running away from the "conversation" and, sure enough, the argument would escalate to the point of no return, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid.
However not entering the conflicts can ruin a relationship too. I sometimes wish that my parents would start an argument and get the dead body on the table instead of just ignoring the problems, so nothing gets resolved and no one has gotten any wiser. Knowing how to have a respectful conversation about the problems is an art that only a few people master. So sometimes an argument can be the second best way of someone to express their true feelings and bring the issues that bothers them into brought daylight, so at least their partner knows of their existance and can take the proper steps to act.
I’ll probably get downvoted for this, but porn is extremely addictive, gives people unrealistic expectations of sex, and is reason why numerous people are forced into sex trafficking
Edit: Thanks for the silver/gold!!
Overly possessive significant others. Jealousy is not a sign of passion it's a sign of instability.
I don't understand jealousy in a relationship. It's a deal-breaker. I told you I'd be faithful, so if that isn't good enough for you, why should I then spend/waste my time with you? You can trust me or be gone.
According to Wong, expensive tuition fees and student debt go hand in hand. “It’s gotten to the point where you can only attend college if you have lots of money, borrow lots of money, or have amazing grades to get a scholarship. Students still believe they have to attend college to find a good job or career, which isn't true anymore. There’s also that constant pressure that if you don’t go, you will be seen as a failure or behind others who do,” he explained and added that “this is exactly how I felt.”
What makes the situation even more difficult is that even after you go to school for 4 years, it doesn’t mean you will find a good-paying career. “After I graduated from college with a BA in psychology, I had a difficult time finding a job. That’s why I ended up going to teach in Korea for a few years to pay off my student debt,” Wong recounted.
Instagram influencers and YouTube celebrities like the Paul brothers.
Cheerleading in high school. Was a goth weirdo girl in high school and joined cheerleading as a joke like “look anyone can do it” and those uniforms made me so uncomfortable. You can’t bend over even slightly without flashing your a*s to everyone because the skirts are so short. But it’s ok because you’re wearing “spanx” (tiny tight elastic underwear). They skirts look longer than they are because they are higher waisted. In reality they stop right under your buttcheek. We had strict dress codes at school (I once got in trouble for wearing shorts that my mother had picked out for me. They couldn’t have been that bad if my over-protective mother bought them for me) but was allowed-actually it was mandatory, for us to wear uniforms on game days/ spirit days/ whatever the hell.
On top of that, the IDEA of cheerleaders were weird. A game needs attractive girls to cheer on the boys? Part of our uniform is to be sexually appealing? So weird. I understand it’s a legitimate sport, I’m not talking about competitive cheerleading as a sport itself. I’m a black belt in Martial Arts and I remember being impressed by the athleticism of the high-performing girls. I’m talking about cheerleading as it is utilized in the school system.
Forcing somebody who is clearly sick to go to work/school. Like oh gee thanks for forcing your kid upon us, now we get to watch the plague rip through the school.
Edit: Thank you all for the input on this. It’s super cool seeing a bunch of perspectives being put together like this.
Edit 2: Thank you guys for the platinum! It’s really kind of whoever gave it.
This relates to a lack of flexibility/control over the finances of the people involved. Parent sends sick child to school because they cannot afford to take the day off work to look after the child (because they are hourly paid, or have no PTO or whatever). They are not sending their mini plague carrier to infect a school because they just can't be bothered. (Obvious caveat, there are arsehole parents who absolutely *cannot* be bothered, but Id say they are in the minority)
Wong argues that the problem is college doesn’t train you for the work field. “I think college only makes sense if your job or career requires specific qualifications, such as a doctor, nurse, or engineer. Everything else can be learned online or by yourself. I’ve probably only used 10% of what I learned in college and I’ve never had an employer ask to see my degree. And now that I have my own business, my degree is even less relevant.”
When parents tell their little girls that the reason that boy is mean to her is because he likes her. Kids keep that same energy as adults and wonder why then can’t leave that dude being a complete and utter a*****e
I was told that when I was FIVE YEARS OLD. FIVE. Oh that boy who keeps stealing your hat and running away with it is just doing it because he *likes* you! ...in PRESCHOOL. Said kid continued to bully me all the way through to Year Four, which was when I transferred to a different school. And for a good chunk of that time I just put up with it.
Overweight/obese children being considered "normal" or "healthy" by their parents who are blind to how unhealthy they're making their children.
People from work calling you on your day off.
Looks like an American problem. I've started my vacation of four weeks and told everyone I will only answer a WhatsApp message when it really really urgent. All other ways of communication will be declined.
On the same note, you may wonder why personal finance isn’t taught in schools. Wong believes it’s terrible. “Unless you major in personal finance or accounting, we aren’t taught how to balance a budget, pay off debt, live within our means, and learn how to invest. I had to learn all of this on my own. I think most people just aren’t comfortable talking about money, so we don’t mind if it isn’t taught in school.”
Moreover, “The government and economy also benefit if we spend our money since it helps stimulate the economy. But it’s becoming more apparent that people are struggling, especially with the rising inflation and high costs of living. Approximately 50% of Canadians are living paycheck to paycheck,” Wong explained.
American work culture.
Working while sick, working overtime, poor work/life balance, etc...
Telling people how to feel or forcibly trying to change how they feel. If someone's sad, comfort them and let them be sad. If someone's angry, then let them be angry and work out their frustrations (in a healthy manner of course).
All my life (24M BTW) I've been told that I shouldn't be angry or that I "have no reason to be depressed". This caused me to fake happiness, and you know what it got me? It got me panic attacks, screamed at for having panic attacks because they thought I was "faking" or needed "to toughen up", and a burning anger that never seems to go away.
To this day I have trouble feeling emotions other than anger or sadness because I was never allowed to work them out when I was younger.
TLDR: Don't tell people how to feel. Emotions are human and we need to work them out.
F**k this gatekeeping. I've been told I wasn't "really" abused because I wasn't hit with a non-belt foreign object. I wasn't "really" sexually abused because I wasn't penetrated with a penis. I wasn't "really" poor because we never lived in our car, only slept in it overnight once. My depression is "white fragility" or "white woman's tears." I've been in therapy for years just to acknowledge that my experiences and pains actually matter, too.
I'm late, but
Our alcohol culture, especially for young people. I feel like it's being normalized to over indulge in alcohol, to the point where I know alcoholics who think that what they do is what everybody does.
It’s no secret that the grinding, hustling, and keeping busy culture is also well-tolerated in our society. This is related to the constant pressure of having to keep up with others that people start experiencing early in school.
Wong argues that these two go together. “There is a constant pressure of staying busy, working hard, and keeping up with others.” According to him, deep and fulfilling work is good but there has to be a balance. “When your life is filled with nothing but constant work and pressure, it leads to burnout. And then we feel the pressure to buy nice things, like a new car, a bigger house, or a newer phone, to impress others who don’t care about us, which only makes it worse.”
The idea that men have to hate being married, and the constant joking about how their wives are weighing them down
The way people in fast food and other customer service related jobs are treated.
The idea that a woman's value is in her appearance, what's worse is that girls I know are more responsible for this than guys
I'm still trying to readjust my self-views. There was always something on me to fix: my teeth, my hairstyle, my skin, and always my weight. People always complained that I never smiled (showed my teeth) and wore my hair in my face. I'm like, "Um, cause you always pointed out how wrong I looked, why do you think?" I'm hoping to break the cycle with my kids.
Wong believes that “there is a problem when we are expected to work 40-60 hours a week and be grateful for 2 weeks of vacation a year. I don’t consider that to be truly living.”
On the other hand, it’s common to expect instant gratification without putting in the hard work. Wong explained that although technology has made our lives easier, it has also made it worse. “The fact that we can order something with the push of a button and receive it the next day has spoiled us. It’s made us forget that things that are worth having don’t come easily.”
He continued: “Social media has amplified this when you are exposed to photos and videos of friends and influencers living an amazing life. I think we have to remember that what we see on social media isn’t real and is what the person chooses to show us. Reducing your social media use, working on fulfilling projects, and spending more time in the real world will help us to be more grateful and patient.”
Acting like there is something wrong with someone for being a virgin.
And even more, oftentimes when women are virgins, they're seen as "pure" but when a man is a virgin, he's suddenly a "loser"??
The Mommy wine culture.
I get so tired of seeing "mommy's sippy cup" and "mom's time out" on wine glasses. The whole culture of it is just silly, mom's can relax without a glass of wine.
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Edit: I like wine too, but I don't blame my drinking of it on my kids.
I'm reminded of one I read about where the family had a cross-country move for the husband's job--she was a SAHM. In their old neighborhood, she'd been involved in a couple of "mothers day out" groups, like big playdates where the moms would bring their kids and all the moms would look after all the kids while they played. So anyway, family has a cross-country move, and SAHM thinks she's found a group where she can bring her kids. She shows up, and it's very clear all the mothers had been drinking for a while. All the mothers are inside, all the kids are outside. SAHM asks who's watching the kids. They look at her like she's stupid. "They're in the backyard!" "Yes, but who's watching them?" "We know where they are. Come, have a drink!" She stuck it out for maybe two hours before she just didn't feel comfortable anymore. Took her kid(s) and went home. Next thing she knows, word has spread that she's a "stuck up b*tch." No great loss...
Staying in abusive relationships, just because there isn’t physical abuse.
“I put up with it because I love him.” You shouldn’t be put through torture because you love someone.
Remember, we're often told that it's not abuse if he's not hitting you or cheating on you. We "have no reason to complain" if he works/pays bills. "He just took you out to dinner!" "He's so sweet to you!" "Every couple fights." "This is just the way marriage is." No. If your partner hurts you or is cruel to you or doesn't treat you like they love or like you? You have every reason to leave. I'll help you pack.
Telling men to "man up" and "not cry" because it's perceived as girly by whoever the f**k told them. It's the most unhealthy thing to tell a person that they shouldn't feel their emotions. Bottling that s**t up can only cause harm, anger, and resentment. Let people feel their feelings for f***s sake
Edit: ok a few things here
1) thank you for the silver, kind stranger!
2) I meant that you should cry in appropriate situations, definitely learn how to suck it up for a bit than release it later
3) I'm a lady
Not just crying but showing emotion in general. Or liking kittens instead of big dogs. Or ordering margaritas instead of whiskey.
THE SILENT TREATMENT.
it's f*****g abusive. i don't mean 5 minutes of silence to collect your thoughts, i don't mean saying 'leave me alone', i mean pretending that your partner/child/friend just doesn't exist, and letting them crumple in on themselves for a crime that you *won't talk to them about*.
i missed the train home and my male friend gave me his couch, i was 22, my parents who i lived with blanked me for months as thought we had gotten busy, theyre a fine pair to talk, teenage pregnancy much
Anything vaguely labeled as "detoxes" or "cleanses". Take for example the Teamie cleanse teas. They are usually full of unhealthy diuretics and laxatives to encourage weight loss. They have been linked to drug induced liver damage and aren't regulated by the FDA. The worst part is they are receiving huge endorsements from celebrities. It's pretty easy to tell by the advertisement that the claims are pseudoscience b******t, but they marketed as health products. Call me crazy but something that can lead to high heart rate/ blood pressure, and vomiting, all just so you can s**t your brains out and lose some water weight isn't really a "health" product.
Being forced to work for free in order to keep your job.
Uh...nope. When my wife is off, her phone would ring. Her boss. I just so happened to say when you're off, you're OFF. If they call you and keep you on the phone 10,15 minutes about work, they need to start paying you for that. Well her phone calls from work drastically dropped.
Facebook is like watching an elderly person yell at an empty road, and then congratulate themselves for doing it.
Not sure if this is actually considered normal, but I have seen push-up bras marketed to pre-teens and teens (known as the Junior's section here in the US) in the lingerie area of stores like Target.
Since when does any teen girl need or should be encouraged to wear a push-up bra for extra cleaveage?
Edited to add a link for Target's juniors "intimates" online store: https://www.target.com/c/juniors-intimates-clothing-women/-/N-551uz
Edit: Holy post blow up, Batman! Thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
Edit 2: to the women who still buy in Juniors sizes.. while it fits you, it isn't the target demographic that the sizes are marketed to. Ask yourself why these companies don't carry sizes for your size in women's sizes vs Juniors, which are obviously pre-teen and teen sizes and styles.
Fit and size is one thing, actual target market is another.
I remember when the Osbournes had their own show and they were trying to buy clothes for Kelly. She was 15 at the time. The designer or shopping assistant or whatever said that she would find something to make Kelly, "sexy." Kelly immediately responded with, "I'm 15! I don't need to be sexy!" I thought that was so powerful!
Note: this post originally had 78 images. It’s been shortened to the top 35 images based on user votes.
I may be on my own with this one, but I've always believed in it. I'm not or have ever been married, but my belief is that a wedding is not just about the bride!!! It's also the grooms day too!!! Why does everything have to be all about the bride?!! She's not marrying herself!! There's a groom involved too!!
silver award on reddit bc thats where the posts are coming from
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Systems that are supposed to help people improve their lives, but really don't allow for that at all keeping the socioeconomic gap very wide.
What's toxic is assuming where you shop makes you a racist makes me upset and people shouldnt shame people for shopping at hobby lobby or eating at Chick-fil-A or call them a racist for it
I may be on my own with this one, but I've always believed in it. I'm not or have ever been married, but my belief is that a wedding is not just about the bride!!! It's also the grooms day too!!! Why does everything have to be all about the bride?!! She's not marrying herself!! There's a groom involved too!!
silver award on reddit bc thats where the posts are coming from
Load More Replies... Systems that are supposed to help people improve their lives, but really don't allow for that at all keeping the socioeconomic gap very wide.
What's toxic is assuming where you shop makes you a racist makes me upset and people shouldnt shame people for shopping at hobby lobby or eating at Chick-fil-A or call them a racist for it
