Gender Reveal Party Turns Sour After In-Laws Claim Their Son Has More Rights To Name The Baby “Since He Is The Real Dad”
Recently, Reddit user Papa_in-waiting1762 has taken it to the AITA community to ask people for advice after he got into a heated argument with his parents-in-law.
The author and his husband have been married for over 5 years, and already have a 3-year-old adopted daughter. However, this past year they decided to start a journey via surrogacy. “Since I have a low sperm count, it is my husband’s sperm and an egg donor (a friend of ours),” Papa_in-waiting1762 wrote in a post that caused quite a stir on the community.
But during the gender reveal party, things did not go quite as planned. Turns out, the parents-in-law insisted on picking a name for the baby and were not happy to hear the author had already done it. What followed turned into a nasty conflict that ruined the vibe and divided the family.
Recently, this dad shared how his parents-in-law told him he has no right in deciding the name for his own baby since “he isn’t a biological dad”
Image credits: Felipe Salgado (not the actual photo)
This is the whole post that the dad wrote on the AITA community, wondering if he hasn’t overreacted
Later, the author provided some more context about the whole situation
And this is how people reacted to the story
944Kviews
Share on FacebookI'd be worried for their daughter too. Since she was adopted and this new baby is a blood relative, grandma might not consider her as a "real" grandkid.
It wasn't just the mother in law. The father in law was just as horrible too. They're both awful. Those two men are their children's parents. PERIOD.
Some folks don't even have a firm name till the birth is closer. With our first baby, we didn't have one till 2 weeks before he was born, and it was between hubby and me, period! our second child was between 2 names, one reflected a redhead and if blonde was a different one ( had the redhead). Either way, the grandparents/aunts or uncles could only agree or disagree but not offer any of their opinions. Bottom line, parents name their children, it's an A and B discussion and everyone can C themselves out of it.
Load More Replies...oh noes, their behavior had consequences! So, by their thinking, this couple's daughter isn't their REAL daughter b/c she was adopted. Will they only treat this coming child as their REAL grandchild b/c blood?
Fùck! how many posts are we gonna have with "dared call people on their b******t (and fight back when people are bad) did I go too far?" ¤his fùcking husband : "yes you went too far (my parents can do the b******t they want they're MY parents)"
They say that their son has more rights to name this baby than OP because he's "blood related" which is already b******t, but on top of that, they wouldn't even let their son choose. They were just about forcing their name ideas upon him.
Nta. Huge red flag. Make sure alll legal matters are in place and taken care of. Should something happen to hubby, they cant claim custody of the son because "blood". Make sure everyone is clear and on the same page before creating more people. Good luck!
So the bio dad should have more rights because he ejaculated in a jar? Makes zero sense to me. They are both fathers to the child. With that logic the mom in hetero couples should name every child because she worked harder bringing them to the world and I'm sure most wouldn't agree with that...
My husband adopted my daughter from a previous marriage (deadbeat). My mother brain washed her into believing My husband would never love her as much as the new baby because she wasn't his blood. My parents treated my second child obviously different. But I did not find out all the details of the terrible, utterly unfathomable cruelty until both my daughters were grown. It seriously f****d them both up mentally and they are still dealing with mental health issues because of it. I confronted my parents about it and they said they had toove #1 more than #2 because we loved #2 more because #1 was adopted. WTF? Both MY children were MY and THEIR BLOOD! The worst part was they told #1 this view. Telling her #2 was more loved by us than her. So #1 thought it was true. BEWARE AND BE WARNED! If these people are comfortable enough in their wrongness to tell you this to your face, they will have no boundaries and will tell your children their opinions and it will mentally damage them. If I could turn back time I would have never allowed unsupervised visits with my wrong-headed, emotionally damaging parents. My advice: don't ever leave your children in a room alone with these people. They will mind-duch the happiness right out of you and your children. The only acceptable reaction from your husband is my reaction. Outrage!
Seriously, those in-laws are jerks. OP just wanted to name his kid what he wanted, but noooo. His husband's parents shouldn't say "You're not a REAL parent because blah blah blah". He is. You don't have to be biologically related to a child to be a parent to them.
And it doesn't say much for how they view the adopted daughter. I'm betting that the underlying text is also, and you're not a real spouse
Load More Replies...How horrible! Put a safe distance between your family asks your in-laws. First of all, this force of choosing a name then and there is a major red flag. On top of that the hateful stew that followed about her son being the"real dad". Oooof I would've list it too. You also need to have a real talk with your husband about standing up for you, and your children. Going forward, this is not the way at all.
And* not ask. Lost* not list. Rage typing leads to a lot of typos.
Load More Replies...I would have been tempted to kick them out at the first suggestion of naming the baby. Who on earth thinks that they have a right to name someone else's baby? The grandparents not only think the bio dad has more rights than the other dad, they also think they have more rights. And what is this about "didn't give them the time to explain themselves"? Explain what? We all understand exactly what they meant. I suspect this will be an ongoing issue, so it's good the dad has already put his foot down. I hope bio dad supports him.
Before she even made the "real" father comment, why the hell were they pushing so hard for them to choose a name? They honestly have boundary issues and needed to back off well before that nonsense came out of their mouth.
What's a shame is that people turn into real ASH when it comes to weddings and kids. If there's any ounce of cruelty in them, it will come out. And that's how you know who people really are, the curtain parts to reveal the really ugly person. I probably would have lost my shoe somewhere if they'd said that within earshot.
Poor Dads; they have a long hellish road set out for them if they don’t put their foot down with Grumpy and GrandMonster immediately .
Your in-laws are quite something. And it's nothing good. Hopefully you took care of the legal things before the journey began. You might want to explain to your husband, that he has more family than mom and dad. He needs to start standing up for you and his children. Golden child or not, he has a back bone, he should use it.
Another way to show aggression towards same sex couples. If you break it down and look closely, this woman still has not accepted her son's choices. I bet she even thinks his choices are lifestyle choices influenced by the author of this post. He is totally not TAH because even subconsciously he realizes what she really is.
I dont think this is true. Nobody said anything bad about being same sex. I think if they would be hetero and one of them would be infertile that they would have said the same
Load More Replies...The problem is your husband. When this started, HE should have mentioned the naming plan. But you are the glass-bowls along with anyone having a gender reveal party. Ugh.
Gender reveal parties are an incredibly insane, idiotic way to seek attention.
Or they're a nice way to celebrate finding out more about the child coming into the world.
Load More Replies...I like how the husband didn't defend his parents or get mad at his husband for not capitulating. I mean, freezing up is not the best response, but it's not the worst.
NTA. They basically said youre not the father. Be careful. They might keep on seeing it this was and its not just about naming the kid. If they continu to not see you as a real father they might pick one grandchild over the other or maybe things like this keep happening. Try to have a conversation about this with your husband and in laws
Never, ever discuss baby names with relatives. If you do that, they think they have input. Just tell them the name once the baby is born so if they criticize the chosen name, they are criticizing the actual baby.
Overbearing in-laws already trying to stake their claim to your child. I would have just rolled my eyes and told them we’re letting the surrogate name him, since she’s the bio mom. But, if op felt kicking them out was appropriate, it probably was.
Some countries have rules about whether a same sex parent can have their name on the birth certificate. Check these rules where you are, and if you can have your name on there, you need to do it.
Suggestion to improve the situation. OP and hubby need to be completely on the same page and then have a sit-down with in-laws. Hubby needs to be "in-charge" as they are his parents. OP needs to acknowledge that kicking them out was an over-reaction. Hubby needs to lay out the specifics of OP and hubby's boundaries. He needs to tell his parents that OP is naming this child, that he is as much a "real" father as hubby. If they do not respond well, this conversation is a warning. "We - OP, hubby, and OUR children - are a family. Please respect this or we're done." Next time don't share quite so much information about the source of your additional children. When extended family know too much they mess things up for the kids later on.
I stopped at Gender Reveal party. You’re a member of the LGBTQ+ community just like I am. Why are you also celebrating this dated and heteronormative ritual? Just have a baby shower. Gender doesn’t need to be a part of it at all.
Respectfully, calling Gender Reveal parties Heteronormative is stretching it. These "parties" obviously, have nothing to do with being hetero, because it's not just hetero couples who have them. These reveal parties are just obnoxious period. I truly don't think ppl give a sh¡t or want to go to these events but do out of obligation. Just send out an announcement of your baby's sex & be done with it. Babies ARE at birth born with a gender of either male or female....it's fact. As they grow older, learn to trust their feelings, acknowledge & believe in themselves they become strong enough to be true to themselves & the gender they feel they are
Load More Replies...Advice I received long ago: Don't marry anyone whose family you don't also love.
I kinda disagree with this one. Neither me nor my husband love most of my family but they've also been cut off
Load More Replies...They absolutely should have been kicked out of the party after telling OP that he's not even the 'real father'. They owe their son and son-in-law a huge apology and massive crow eating to even get back into their good graces if they have any hope of seeing their grandchild.
I certainly understand why you kicked them out, but you are married to their son, so must do something to at least partially restore the peace, for his sake. I dont' know your personality, but could you not call them and say something like: "I am sorry I kicked you out, but what you said made me too angry to think" If they don't cut the connection you can then explain, that the name was agreed on before the party. I don't know if you can use this, but sometimes it helps apologizing even if you have done nothing wrong. Who knows, they might even come to realise it themselves, if you get things quited down. Talk to your husband before you do it though
Stop worrying about the AH family and start worrying about your wimp of a husband who can’t be bothered to defend you from haters, in your own home no less! I’d start preparing the divorce case, because these are toxic people you need to get away from. Don’t forget the custody case for BOTH kids. Would you really want to leave them to be raised by this family?
They could 'explain' themselves if they hadn't been kicked out. I would dearly love to know how.
He has overreacted wtf! If my partner grabbed my mother's arms and kicked her out of the house for that reason, I wouldn't stay in that house another minute!
Sorry to have to tell you this, but ALL of you are the A. The in-laws? That's perfectly obvious. Your husband, because he hasn't grown up enough to BE a grown-up. And you, for creating the situation in the first place. You don't seem to realize that inviting the in-laws to make suggestions you had no intentions of accepting was an insult that provoked them, and then you lost your temper and MANHANDLED them out of the apartment. Congratulations on a brilliant job of poisoning future family and marital relations.
Bill sees all, knows all and runs the universe. What he can't do is pick a side.
Load More Replies...Google pay 97$ per hour my last pay check was $8500 working 1o hours a week online. My younger brother friend has been averaging 12k for months now and he works about 22 hours a week. I cant believe how easy it was once I d it outit.. HERE ?? 𝐰𝐰𝐰.𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐬𝐭.𝐜𝐨𝐦
I find it odd that he keeps saying "I" instead of "we." ".. in-laws suggested we picked names right there, I'VE already chosen one...", "...to see if they come out with the name I'VE already chosen", "... nothing against people named like that but I don't really like for MY baby." I'm going to play devil's advocate and wonder if this person always talks about things in terms of "his" instead of "theirs" and the parents were trying to come up with something to get their son to stand up for himself. Just a thought.
Well, the fact that he chose a name and not both of them is explained, but I do agree with the fact that he shouldn't have used "my" baby instead of "our" baby. Just because you get to name it doesn't mean it's just yours
Load More Replies...We could start calling them penis reveal parties. Because that's all they accomplish
Load More Replies...it's a gay couple and there is no wife. Also the P in LGPTQ stands for punctuations!
Load More Replies...While you make some valid points, these become pointless once the parent decided the names were not for them. PIL clearly igged several boundaries after being told that parents did not want to pick a name for the child at that point. They were allowed to make some suggestions. Once parent said no, PIL should have respected that. Instead, they chose to further disrespect by telling him he is not blood, but their son is. PIL could have asked to give second, or third name. It is presumptuous and over the top to think you get to name the child/ren of anyone else, even if these names have been a tradition...how about allowing the parents their own tradition? Their agreement is: OP gets to name the boys and hubby the girls...
Load More Replies...Are you saying this about the OP or their In-laws?
Load More Replies...I'd be worried for their daughter too. Since she was adopted and this new baby is a blood relative, grandma might not consider her as a "real" grandkid.
It wasn't just the mother in law. The father in law was just as horrible too. They're both awful. Those two men are their children's parents. PERIOD.
Some folks don't even have a firm name till the birth is closer. With our first baby, we didn't have one till 2 weeks before he was born, and it was between hubby and me, period! our second child was between 2 names, one reflected a redhead and if blonde was a different one ( had the redhead). Either way, the grandparents/aunts or uncles could only agree or disagree but not offer any of their opinions. Bottom line, parents name their children, it's an A and B discussion and everyone can C themselves out of it.
Load More Replies...oh noes, their behavior had consequences! So, by their thinking, this couple's daughter isn't their REAL daughter b/c she was adopted. Will they only treat this coming child as their REAL grandchild b/c blood?
Fùck! how many posts are we gonna have with "dared call people on their b******t (and fight back when people are bad) did I go too far?" ¤his fùcking husband : "yes you went too far (my parents can do the b******t they want they're MY parents)"
They say that their son has more rights to name this baby than OP because he's "blood related" which is already b******t, but on top of that, they wouldn't even let their son choose. They were just about forcing their name ideas upon him.
Nta. Huge red flag. Make sure alll legal matters are in place and taken care of. Should something happen to hubby, they cant claim custody of the son because "blood". Make sure everyone is clear and on the same page before creating more people. Good luck!
So the bio dad should have more rights because he ejaculated in a jar? Makes zero sense to me. They are both fathers to the child. With that logic the mom in hetero couples should name every child because she worked harder bringing them to the world and I'm sure most wouldn't agree with that...
My husband adopted my daughter from a previous marriage (deadbeat). My mother brain washed her into believing My husband would never love her as much as the new baby because she wasn't his blood. My parents treated my second child obviously different. But I did not find out all the details of the terrible, utterly unfathomable cruelty until both my daughters were grown. It seriously f****d them both up mentally and they are still dealing with mental health issues because of it. I confronted my parents about it and they said they had toove #1 more than #2 because we loved #2 more because #1 was adopted. WTF? Both MY children were MY and THEIR BLOOD! The worst part was they told #1 this view. Telling her #2 was more loved by us than her. So #1 thought it was true. BEWARE AND BE WARNED! If these people are comfortable enough in their wrongness to tell you this to your face, they will have no boundaries and will tell your children their opinions and it will mentally damage them. If I could turn back time I would have never allowed unsupervised visits with my wrong-headed, emotionally damaging parents. My advice: don't ever leave your children in a room alone with these people. They will mind-duch the happiness right out of you and your children. The only acceptable reaction from your husband is my reaction. Outrage!
Seriously, those in-laws are jerks. OP just wanted to name his kid what he wanted, but noooo. His husband's parents shouldn't say "You're not a REAL parent because blah blah blah". He is. You don't have to be biologically related to a child to be a parent to them.
And it doesn't say much for how they view the adopted daughter. I'm betting that the underlying text is also, and you're not a real spouse
Load More Replies...How horrible! Put a safe distance between your family asks your in-laws. First of all, this force of choosing a name then and there is a major red flag. On top of that the hateful stew that followed about her son being the"real dad". Oooof I would've list it too. You also need to have a real talk with your husband about standing up for you, and your children. Going forward, this is not the way at all.
And* not ask. Lost* not list. Rage typing leads to a lot of typos.
Load More Replies...I would have been tempted to kick them out at the first suggestion of naming the baby. Who on earth thinks that they have a right to name someone else's baby? The grandparents not only think the bio dad has more rights than the other dad, they also think they have more rights. And what is this about "didn't give them the time to explain themselves"? Explain what? We all understand exactly what they meant. I suspect this will be an ongoing issue, so it's good the dad has already put his foot down. I hope bio dad supports him.
Before she even made the "real" father comment, why the hell were they pushing so hard for them to choose a name? They honestly have boundary issues and needed to back off well before that nonsense came out of their mouth.
What's a shame is that people turn into real ASH when it comes to weddings and kids. If there's any ounce of cruelty in them, it will come out. And that's how you know who people really are, the curtain parts to reveal the really ugly person. I probably would have lost my shoe somewhere if they'd said that within earshot.
Poor Dads; they have a long hellish road set out for them if they don’t put their foot down with Grumpy and GrandMonster immediately .
Your in-laws are quite something. And it's nothing good. Hopefully you took care of the legal things before the journey began. You might want to explain to your husband, that he has more family than mom and dad. He needs to start standing up for you and his children. Golden child or not, he has a back bone, he should use it.
Another way to show aggression towards same sex couples. If you break it down and look closely, this woman still has not accepted her son's choices. I bet she even thinks his choices are lifestyle choices influenced by the author of this post. He is totally not TAH because even subconsciously he realizes what she really is.
I dont think this is true. Nobody said anything bad about being same sex. I think if they would be hetero and one of them would be infertile that they would have said the same
Load More Replies...The problem is your husband. When this started, HE should have mentioned the naming plan. But you are the glass-bowls along with anyone having a gender reveal party. Ugh.
Gender reveal parties are an incredibly insane, idiotic way to seek attention.
Or they're a nice way to celebrate finding out more about the child coming into the world.
Load More Replies...I like how the husband didn't defend his parents or get mad at his husband for not capitulating. I mean, freezing up is not the best response, but it's not the worst.
NTA. They basically said youre not the father. Be careful. They might keep on seeing it this was and its not just about naming the kid. If they continu to not see you as a real father they might pick one grandchild over the other or maybe things like this keep happening. Try to have a conversation about this with your husband and in laws
Never, ever discuss baby names with relatives. If you do that, they think they have input. Just tell them the name once the baby is born so if they criticize the chosen name, they are criticizing the actual baby.
Overbearing in-laws already trying to stake their claim to your child. I would have just rolled my eyes and told them we’re letting the surrogate name him, since she’s the bio mom. But, if op felt kicking them out was appropriate, it probably was.
Some countries have rules about whether a same sex parent can have their name on the birth certificate. Check these rules where you are, and if you can have your name on there, you need to do it.
Suggestion to improve the situation. OP and hubby need to be completely on the same page and then have a sit-down with in-laws. Hubby needs to be "in-charge" as they are his parents. OP needs to acknowledge that kicking them out was an over-reaction. Hubby needs to lay out the specifics of OP and hubby's boundaries. He needs to tell his parents that OP is naming this child, that he is as much a "real" father as hubby. If they do not respond well, this conversation is a warning. "We - OP, hubby, and OUR children - are a family. Please respect this or we're done." Next time don't share quite so much information about the source of your additional children. When extended family know too much they mess things up for the kids later on.
I stopped at Gender Reveal party. You’re a member of the LGBTQ+ community just like I am. Why are you also celebrating this dated and heteronormative ritual? Just have a baby shower. Gender doesn’t need to be a part of it at all.
Respectfully, calling Gender Reveal parties Heteronormative is stretching it. These "parties" obviously, have nothing to do with being hetero, because it's not just hetero couples who have them. These reveal parties are just obnoxious period. I truly don't think ppl give a sh¡t or want to go to these events but do out of obligation. Just send out an announcement of your baby's sex & be done with it. Babies ARE at birth born with a gender of either male or female....it's fact. As they grow older, learn to trust their feelings, acknowledge & believe in themselves they become strong enough to be true to themselves & the gender they feel they are
Load More Replies...Advice I received long ago: Don't marry anyone whose family you don't also love.
I kinda disagree with this one. Neither me nor my husband love most of my family but they've also been cut off
Load More Replies...They absolutely should have been kicked out of the party after telling OP that he's not even the 'real father'. They owe their son and son-in-law a huge apology and massive crow eating to even get back into their good graces if they have any hope of seeing their grandchild.
I certainly understand why you kicked them out, but you are married to their son, so must do something to at least partially restore the peace, for his sake. I dont' know your personality, but could you not call them and say something like: "I am sorry I kicked you out, but what you said made me too angry to think" If they don't cut the connection you can then explain, that the name was agreed on before the party. I don't know if you can use this, but sometimes it helps apologizing even if you have done nothing wrong. Who knows, they might even come to realise it themselves, if you get things quited down. Talk to your husband before you do it though
Stop worrying about the AH family and start worrying about your wimp of a husband who can’t be bothered to defend you from haters, in your own home no less! I’d start preparing the divorce case, because these are toxic people you need to get away from. Don’t forget the custody case for BOTH kids. Would you really want to leave them to be raised by this family?
They could 'explain' themselves if they hadn't been kicked out. I would dearly love to know how.
He has overreacted wtf! If my partner grabbed my mother's arms and kicked her out of the house for that reason, I wouldn't stay in that house another minute!
Sorry to have to tell you this, but ALL of you are the A. The in-laws? That's perfectly obvious. Your husband, because he hasn't grown up enough to BE a grown-up. And you, for creating the situation in the first place. You don't seem to realize that inviting the in-laws to make suggestions you had no intentions of accepting was an insult that provoked them, and then you lost your temper and MANHANDLED them out of the apartment. Congratulations on a brilliant job of poisoning future family and marital relations.
Bill sees all, knows all and runs the universe. What he can't do is pick a side.
Load More Replies...Google pay 97$ per hour my last pay check was $8500 working 1o hours a week online. My younger brother friend has been averaging 12k for months now and he works about 22 hours a week. I cant believe how easy it was once I d it outit.. HERE ?? 𝐰𝐰𝐰.𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐬𝐭.𝐜𝐨𝐦
I find it odd that he keeps saying "I" instead of "we." ".. in-laws suggested we picked names right there, I'VE already chosen one...", "...to see if they come out with the name I'VE already chosen", "... nothing against people named like that but I don't really like for MY baby." I'm going to play devil's advocate and wonder if this person always talks about things in terms of "his" instead of "theirs" and the parents were trying to come up with something to get their son to stand up for himself. Just a thought.
Well, the fact that he chose a name and not both of them is explained, but I do agree with the fact that he shouldn't have used "my" baby instead of "our" baby. Just because you get to name it doesn't mean it's just yours
Load More Replies...We could start calling them penis reveal parties. Because that's all they accomplish
Load More Replies...it's a gay couple and there is no wife. Also the P in LGPTQ stands for punctuations!
Load More Replies...While you make some valid points, these become pointless once the parent decided the names were not for them. PIL clearly igged several boundaries after being told that parents did not want to pick a name for the child at that point. They were allowed to make some suggestions. Once parent said no, PIL should have respected that. Instead, they chose to further disrespect by telling him he is not blood, but their son is. PIL could have asked to give second, or third name. It is presumptuous and over the top to think you get to name the child/ren of anyone else, even if these names have been a tradition...how about allowing the parents their own tradition? Their agreement is: OP gets to name the boys and hubby the girls...
Load More Replies...Are you saying this about the OP or their In-laws?
Load More Replies...
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