The definition of a perfect neighbor varies per person. Some may think of someone like Ned Flanders. Others might dream of someone like Elisha Cuthbert from The Girl Next Door (2004). Either way, just like we don't get to pick our families, we don't get to choose our neighbors. And often, the result of this is an abundance of neighbor jokes online.
Funny neighbor jokes often arise from various situations that happen in the neighborhood. One may decide to move the furniture around the house late at night or have a quarrel on the balcony. While no neighbor is perfect (as we are all flawed human beings), it's the neighbors with a lack of common sense or respect for others that usually become the subjects of jokes about neighbors.
However, if simple communication fails, redirecting your discontent with your neighbors into funny jokes might help keep the peace in the community. While neighborhood jokes might not solve your disputes with the neighbors, they may as well save you some precious nerves.
Below, we've compiled a list of puns and funny jokes about neighbors that will hopefully raise your spirits and remind you that we all live under the same sky and tackle similar problems. And heck, sometimes we ourselves are those pesky neighbors! So tend one's own garden, water your own grass, and enjoy these funny jokes for adults, neighbors' edition!
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"My internet went down yesterday. I think my cheap neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible."
Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there.
Our precocious cat regularly crashed noisy parties around our wooded hamlet, and we naturally had to retrieve her -- after partying a little, of course.
"Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the nosey neighbors guessing."
One day you'll dig up some bones and immediately call your wife to tell her. Guess what-
"My neighbor would play his trumpet at night so I changed my Wi-Fi name to 'I can hear you.' He changed his to 'I know.'"
My neighbors said they wanted to talk to me about my bad home security habits. So I said “Sure, my door is always open.”
"Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take is really audible through the floor."
Neighbors: The only people who listen to both sides of an argument.
"My neighbors love my taste in music. They even call the police to listen it."
"My neighbor asked me to stop playing Oasis songs all night long. I said maybe..."
A guy asks his neighbor: “Please let me borrow your electric drill.” The neighbor asks: “What do you want it for?” The guy replies: “I want to get some sleep.”
Long ago in San Francisco, we rented the downstairs flat in a two-story Victorian in the Haight-Ashbury. The upstairs tenants seemed to vacuum for hours every evening and roll bowling balls across their floor all night. Our complaints were futile. We moved to the Fillmore ASAP.
"So I asked my neighbor if he could help me figure out what DIY means. He said, 'Do it yourself.' Unhelpful prick."
"My neighbor is singing under the shower again. Luckily, I can't hear her through my binoculars."
The bldg neighbor called the police to report a naked man in the bldg across the street. When the police arrived she pointed out the window and the policeman said, “lady, you can’t see anything from this angle!” She replied, “Stand on the bed, stand on the bed!”
Why did the family choose to move out of the neighborhood while the neighbors were playing tennis?
Because they were a racquet.
"My neighbors called the cops on me again for playing the drums at 3 am in the morning. They should just buy me a set so I can practice in my own house."
"Once I was taking a shower singing 'Believe' by Cher and at the chorus part I heard my neighbor sing it with me."
"As she’s been searching for my name on her computer, I think my neighbor is stalking me. I saw it through my telescope last night."
"My neighbors officially hate me. Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us. So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbor's house was on fire! Well, when we got there, the wife was crying into her husband's arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever. Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on them, watching the fire. Talk about bad timing..."
"My neighbor named his dog 5 Miles so he could say everyday he walked 5 Miles. Well this morning I ran over 5 miles."
Saw a bumper sticker once that said, "Miss your cat? Look under my tires!" I did not know the owner of that car, but I knew I'd never like them.
"I think my new neighbors are really poor. You should have heard the fuss they made when their 2 year old kid swallowed a 10 pence coin earlier!"
Convince your neighbours that evolution is working backwards by not shaving for a week, walking to your car gradually more stooped each morning and wearing a monkey costume on the Friday.
"My neighbors hate it when I talk to my plants just before I go to bed. They're in luck tonight though, the batteries of my megaphone ran out."
"The Bible says to love your neighbors as you love yourself. So I treat everyone like garbage."
"The Guinness World Record for most concussions belongs to my neighbor. He lives very close, just a stone’s throw away."
"She is furious with our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless. Personally, I’m on the fence."
"My neighbor banged on the wall at 3.30 am, can you believe that? Luckily I was still up playing music. He banged and shouted, 'Can we have a little respect please?' So I shouted back, 'I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan, but okay, this one is for you.'"
A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. "Can I help", says the man. "I haven't ordered a piano tuner", I said. "I know you haven't, your neighbors did for you."
"My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
"A salesperson called me: 'Are you interested in selling your house? 'I'm interested in my neighbor selling him, so I booked him an appointment, I replied."
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they've seen your dog.
Teacher: "Sarah, what's your sentence with contagious?"
Sarah: "Our neighbor is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and my dad said it will take the contagious."
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Well, it's difficult to explain, so let me give you an example. You are my son - I'm confident about that."
Son: "How about confidential?"
Dad: "You see our neighbor little Timmy over there? He's my son - that's confidential."
"I asked my indian neighbor if I could have some bread. He said, 'naan.'"
"Our neighbor's backyard is directly behind ours. We put up a shed, and he told us it was ruining his view (of us?) "
"I keep hearing that my next-door neighbor is actually a big cat dressed in a human suit. My musician neighbor is scaring me."
"Sadly, my neighbor died after falling into a giant vat of coffee, but thankfully he didn’t suffer. It was instant."
"I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbor who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna. The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent."
Wife: "The neighbor kisses his wife every morning before he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?"
Husband: "I guess I don’t know her that well."
"My next door neighbor just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands. With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having."
"I thought I'd caught my neighbor spying on me with their binoculars last night. It was just my reflection in their bedroom mirror though."
"I have a feeling our neighbors are inbred. I asked the daughter out on a date and her dad came out and said that she doesn't do long-distance relationships."
The wife told her husband, "Look at your neighbor, everyday he kisses his wife before going to work, why don't you do the same?" "I would, but would she accept?", husband answered.
An elderly woman phoned the police and said she saw her neighbor, naked walking around his bedroom with blinds open. Police turn up and says to her, "Sorry madam, but you cannot even see his bedroom, there is a fence and a bush blocking the view." She replies, "You can if you stand on top of the wardrobe."
"I recently found a TV show about 2 best friends, their angry neighbor and a rival restaurant. God, I love Spongebob."
"My neighbor asked for my Wi-Fi password because his wasn't working. I asked if he was sure because I was connected on his and it worked fine."
"Being short is cool? Seriously, if you are short, please marry a tall person, I'm tired of changing bulb for my neighbor and her husband."
"I hate people who do not understand the looming threat of water shortage. Like my neighbor. She refused when I offered to bath together to save water."
Want to freak out your neighbors?
Name your Wi-Fi "FBI Surveillance Van."
"My neighbor called cops to say she hasn't seen my daughter outside in months. Daughter went off to college 2 years ago."
Holidays are my neighbor's fetish. I thought he was just jealous when he asked, “Can I come in your suitcase?”
"Our neighbor’s 6-year-old son was sleeping in their house. I immediately called the police. Because it was a kidnap."
"Since my neighbor and I became good friends, we decided to rent a parking space together. We have a lot in common."
"I helped my neighbor with something this morning and she said, 'I could marry you!' I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!"
"I saw my neighbor going outside again and again to check his mailbox. When I asked why is he doing that, he replied, 'My computer says I have got mail.'"
"My neighbors are always listening to loud music whether they want to or not."
Every lot in my wooded mountain hamlet is at least an acre in size, so no neighbors are TOO close... except the turds across the dirt road. When they get rowdy, I just roll my 150-watt Yamaha concert amp with 15-inch speakers over to the sliding door, plug in the fake Les Paul guitar through a distortion box, and let rip with a Jimi Hendrix-style national anthem. That sometimes quiets them down.
"My crazy neighbor rang my doorbell aggressively at 3 am. I almost dropped my drilling machine!"
"Every day I see my big-breasted neighbor doing gardening work in front of the house. I really hope his wife tells him to put a shirt on someday."
Son: "Dad, some guys from the neighborhood are at the gate calling you."
Dad: "What are they saying?"
Son: "I don't know, but they have a box saying donation for swimming pool."
Dad: Cool, go give them a glass of water."
"Everyone in my neighborhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small for them. We are a very tight knit community."
"Had a water balloon fight with some of the kids in my neighborhood today. I won! No one is a match for me and my kettle."
"If I ever win the lottery, all of my neighbors are going to be so rich! I'm going to move to a rich neighborhood."
"Who says old people aren't friendly? Only today as I came home from work my 80 year old neighbor was waving at me with such enthusiasm. And she had a lovely open fire going in the living room."
A man went to his lawyer and told him, 'My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?' 'Do you have any proof he owes you the money?', asked the lawyer. 'Nope,' replied the man. 'Ok, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer. 'But it's only £500,' replied the man. 'Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'
"The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now. So I thought I'd check on my elderly 85 year old neighbor Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops. She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather."
"Once I got annoyed with my Nokia and threw it at the wall. Now I'm in jail for murdering my neighbor."
"My new sexy neighbor just sneezed, so by instinct and good manners I said, 'Bless you.' She said, "Thanks', but looked a little confused that her wardrobe was talking to her."
"I saw my neighbor putting some more soil down on his lawn the other day. The plot thickens..."
Wizard said:" I'll fulfill your every desire, but your neighbor would get it twice."
"Poke out my eye."
"My neighbor keeps coming over to borrow thyme. He stays for an hour making small talk before asking to borrow some thyme for his soup. I'm so sick of wasting my thyme."
"My neighbors went on holiday, and they've given me a spare key so I could feed their dog. I'm not sure, though. I've never seen a dog eat a spare key before."
"My neighbor told me he was thinking of putting in a skylight in his apartment. He lived below me."
"Honestly, I have the worst neighbor ever! He keeps on banging on the wall at 3 am. It completely ruins my drumming practice."
"My wife told me to throw the shovel over their fence after our neighbor’s dog pooped in our yard. However, that didn’t solve the problem."
"I stared intensely as my neighbor removed the red dress, then the bra, then the silk underwear. 'Oo yeah', I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, 'you keep emptying that washing machine, baby.'"
"I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbors so much. They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs."
"My rich neighbor just had a private ice rink built! I said to him, 'Can I try it?', and he said, 'Yeah, but it'll cost you a dollar.' What a cheap skate, I thought."
Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"
Robot: "Guilty as charged."
"My neighbors are so inconsiderate. They're out, and for the last 2 hours I've had to listen to the incessant beeping of their smoke detector."
"I found out today, that arguments about fences are the major cause of feuds between neighbors. So I went and took our neighbor's fence down, just in case."
"I was going through my Sky+ planner, deleting some old films when I shouted to my wife, 'Shall we get rid of Jennifer's body?!' Not a good idea when you have nosy neighbors."
"Just had my next-door neighbor knocking on my door when I was playing the guitar, he said, 'Excuse me mate, we can't hear a thing next door. 'Not a problem', I replied and turned up my amp to number 8. Should be able to hear it now."
"I've been learning to speak Urdu for a few weeks now. It's not an easy language but now I can at least communicate with my neighbors."
What did the kid say as he tossed a chair to his neighbor's house?
"You're the chairman of the board!"
A man looks over his garden wall to see his neighbor digging a hole in the back garden. “What are you up to?”, he asks. “I’m digging a hole for my dead hamster,” he replies. “Sorry to hear that, but it’s a big hole for a hamster isn’t it?” “Of course it is, it’s inside your f*cking cat”, he yells.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches. "What time do you think it is?" One of them asks the other. "Just make a ton of noise", says the other. The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways. After a few seconds of screaming a light turn on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "You crazy kids! It's 2 in the morning!"
A man asks his neighbor if it's okay to pet his dog. "Yes, he's a sweetheart, never bit a soul in his life, of course you can!", says the neighbor. The man pats the dog and the dog bites his hand. "I thought you said your dog is a sweetheart and doesn't bite!", exclaims the man. The neighbor looks at him shrugging and says, "Yes, but that's not my dog."
"My neighbour was about to lose his house. So I decided to organise a neighbourhood wide charity orgy to help him. It was truly inspiring to see the whole neighbourhood come together like that."
"Mom! At school, they tell me I'm too distracted!"
"Kid, I'm your neighbor, your house is across the street."
"When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying. But later I learnt it's my neighbor."
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
"My neighbor decorated my dead tree with empty bud light cans then sent me a text saying my tree was budding."
"He would work on his car every day, after 2 months I offered help and he said, 'It's not broke, I just hate my family.'"
"My neighbor used to sit on his porch and play 'Every Breath You Take' by The Police when I came home from work."
"Our new neighbors thought our Wi-Fi was our last name so they gave us a Christmas card addressed to the 'Linksys Family.'"
"My old neighbor painted fake rust spots on his truck and drove around with a life size female deer in the passenger seat."
"While doing some landscaping my weird neighbor called the cops telling them we were moving the trees and digging tunnels under her house."
"One winter my neighbor was screaming that there was a dead body in the snow. Turned out someone just dropped a glove."
"After getting to know each other, I decided to share my water supply with my neighbor. We got a long well."
"My neighbor Is so annoying, he bangs on the wall so loud sometimes that I can't even hear myself drilling."
Police: "Where do you live?"
Me: "With my parents."
Police: "Where do your parents live?"
Me: "With me."
Police: "Where do you all live?"
Me: "Together."
Police: "Where is your house?"
Me: "Next to my neighbor's house."
Police: "Where is your neighbor's house?
Me: "If I tell you, you won't believe me."
Police: "Tell me."
Me: "Next to my house."
A good neighbor is a fellow who smiles at you over the back fence, but doesn't climb over it.
Neighbors: People who live near you, who are never around when you need to borrow power tools or jumper cables, but who are everywhere when you are having a heated argument with your spouse.
"I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing his lawn. He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving."
"My blonde neighbor has put 'Missing Cat' posters all over the trees on our estate. I said to her, 'I thought your cat died last week, Becky?' 'It did, that's why I'm missing him.'"
And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking. "I was born to live 3 days, my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days", he says. After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother passes away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money. 14 days later his neighbor dies.
"I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbor said, 'Well, are you going to help?' I said, 'No, six should be enough.'"
"My next-door neighbor accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line. I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants."
Angry neighbor: "You slept with my wife, I am going to make you pay for that!"
Man: "Why should I pay twice?"
"I saw my dwarf neighbor at the bus stop this morning.
He seemed to be waiting for the bus, so I said, 'Jump in, I'll give you ride.' He said 'Go to hell', so I thought he was very ungrateful. But then I just zipped up my backpack and kept walking."
"Mom, I'm sleeping with the neighbor!"
"That's unacceptable young lady! He could be your dad!"
"But Mom, you don't understand. Age doesn't matter for true love!"
"I didn't say anything about age."
"Neighbor asks if I've got any old car batteries. 'Yeah, I've got tons of old ones. I can give them to you free of charge', he replied."
"My neighbor asked me to take care of her dog while she was on holiday. When she got back to find it dead, she should've remembered I told her: 'I don't mind.'"
Neighbor: "I was wondering if you could check your shed only my cat has gone missi.."
Me: "Before we go any further, Margaret, is there a reward?"
Neighbor: "Well, yes."
Me: "How much?"
Neighbor: "Twenty pounds."
Me: "In that case, no, I haven't seen your cat. Which is a shame because I did hear a noise."
Neighbor: "Oh really, what sort of a noise?"
Me: "Kind of like a fifty pound-noise."
"My neighbor is committing fraud, she's got a 'Baby on Board' sign in the back window of her car. She hasn't even got a baby. It died yesterday."
"The kid next door booted a football into my garden, so I punctured it with a knife. He almost bled to death but I think he learnt his lesson."
"I ran over neighbors cat last night and I just want to say...that thing was fast. I had run a red light to get it!"
When you can’t have Chinese food because you don’t have any pets, just eat African food, you have plenty of neighbors!
"My asian neighbor asked if he could walk the dog. They didn't come back for a while, I was worried about my dog so I went to his house, the dog was on the wok."
