Woman Gets Tired Of Surprise Visits From Self-Absorbed Mother-In-Law, Installs A Gate, Family Drama Ensues
They say when you marry, you marry the family. And although the idea is frustrating, suggesting that you have no choice but to put up with the unforeseen nonsense of your other family, there is a drop of truth to it. Or rather, an entire sea.
And while some in-laws become your best second family, bringing joy and fulfillment, others turn out to be a pain in the neck there’s no remedy for. This is the case with a woman who recently shared her story on the Mumsnet forum.
“My MIL lives across town and has a tendency to just turn up on the doorstep unannounced and uninvited,” she wrote. Being “a very private person and quite introverted,” the woman explained that she needs time to prepare herself mentally for any extended visits or socializing. But her MIL clearly doesn’t see that.
When the unannounced visits became the norm, the only solution was to show the MIL it is not her house.
Recently, a woman shared how her MIL kept letting herself in her house unannounced until it got out of hand
Image credits: Ashwin Vaswani (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Geoffrey Whiteway (not the actual photo)
Bored Panda reached out to Susan Petang, a certified mindful lifestyle & stress management coach and author of The Quiet Zone, who shared some very useful advice on dealing with in-laws, which can be truly touchy. “You don’t want to put your partner in between their parent and you – that’s not fair,” she said. Petang explained that one of the first things she advises her clients to do is put themselves in their in-laws’ shoes. “Why do you think they are doing what they’re doing? (And no, ‘She’s just a jerk!’ or, ‘She just hates me!’ aren’t good answers.)”
Petang suggests asking yourself a couple of key questions: “Maybe THEIR mothers/mothers-in-law did that to THEM – so they think it’s OK. Maybe they’re worried about you, or think they’re actually helping. Maybe they are too attached to their child, and they’re anxious. Wow, it must suck to be them, don’t you think?”
“By having some compassion for what they’re feeling or understanding why they’re doing what they’re doing, it doesn’t justify their behavior, but it does take away some of your anger over the situation,” the life coach explained.
“Ask yourself, ‘How important is this, really?’ Are they just inconveniencing you, or are they TRULY interfering in your lives? Take your emotions out of the picture, and view the situation through the eyes of an outsider,” Petang said and added “If you had a friend who was going through this, what would you advise THEM to do?
This is what people had to comment in response to the story
Being an introvert myself I want to smack the person who said that the OP has issues because you shouldn't have to mentally prepare for family! I have to mentally prepare for friends, whom I like and I have chosen to be friends with, never mind a rude mother in law.
I thought the same thing as you. That commenter obviously doesn't understand what it's like to be introverted. You have to be prepared for any occasion where you might have to be sociable.
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Used to refer to people like this as "bomber pilots". They sweep in unannounced, drop their emotional garbage all over you, don't ask how you are (sometimes they barely acknowledge you) and then fly away.
For those of us more used to BP pinching stories from Reddit and are confused by the change in acronym, AIBU = Am I Being Unreasonable. (For the record - no, she is not)
Darling/dear husband, looks likes it's been ripped from mumsnet
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For all mothers-in-law, when your *adult* child is married or living with someone, you are NOT just visiting your child's home, you are visiting the home of a *couple*. And yes, that person your child chose to spend their life with has their own boundaries and desires that deserve to be respected! Don't barge in, don't invite yourself over, just don't!
"...it really isn't normal to have to mentally prepare yourself for a family visit. Look to your own behaviour." FUUUUUUUCK YOU. 1) It absolutely is normal. 2) OP literally states she's an introvert 3) the MIL seems like the worst kind of visitor 4) if you're doing something for yourself and/your nuclear family, you shouldnt have to stop doing that because someone was rude and dropped by completely unannounced. 5) anyone that's told someone to not just drop by, especially someone that no one really seems to enjoy stopping, should aboslutely be allowed to mentally prepare. GFY with that s**t comment.
Ya really don’t want to “pop” in on me MIL because I am nude 80% of the day. That’s why the blinds are closed. But if you don’t mind having a cup of coffee while I sit there in my birthday suit, welcome to the party!
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The one who said that it's not normal to mentally prepare for family gatherings is completely off because interacting with anyone is a lot for some people.
Early in our marriage, my in-laws did this. I get more time off then hubby, so would take a day here and there to be home alone and goof off or do projects. They would invariable show up to keep me company. We learned very quickly not to tell them when I was off, and hubby told them that while we loved them both, they needed to check in before coming over to see if it was OK. Thankfully they listened.
We have walls and gates in Brazil, a very nice thing to have int these situations. I also hate surprises like this, blatantly ignoring whoever I need.
When it comes to interfering MILs, a moat containing sharks with frickin' lasers and a drawbridge would not be considered "too much", let alone a gate!
Well, I had to pop on this one. My best friend has had this problem for years. All of her in laws live within a two mile radius of her home, and she often comes home from work to pool parties already going on in her back yard when neither her nor her husband invited anyone nor were even home. It has caused a huge marital rift.
That would be rough. Coming home ready to just unwind and relax and not only are there lots of unexpected people at your house they are having a party in your pool. The one that you were going to relax in.
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Before I moved 2 hours away, I had a relative that would do this on the weekends. She had a key, that was only meant for emergencies, but she would just let herself in uninvited at 8am on a Saturday. Also, since I was a single mom and it was just myself and my daughter, the alarm would be armed. I should also mention I suffer from anxiety/panic disorder....but imagine peacefully sleeping in on a saturday and being scared out of a dead sleep by the house alarm and the sound of someone storming through your home yelling what's for breakfast. I explained it to her on several occasions that it needs to stop but she just kept on like it was entertainment for her and kept doing it. Well when I at enough I called my security company and had them put a remote lock, video doorbell, and security cams up on the property. Following weekend she tried to pull her sh*t and found the new lock. She rang the doorbell and I got on my phone to talk on the speaker and said what do you want.......
she wanted me to open the door and I told her she was here unannounced and I am resting because it's my ONLY day off and I'm busy later so I'll talk to her later. She finally left after I told her for the 3rd time Im not letting her in, then she called my mom!!! My mom calls me, and I explain what happened and to stay out of it. They even tried the what if there's an emergency, like my daughter getting locked out while I'm at work....I was like the lock is remote so I can let her in using my phone. She had to find some other relative to bother.
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We had this problem, I just stopped answering the door. It takes a few attempts but it eventually sinks in
Next time MIL shows up unannounced, OP should answer the door in a skimpy robe, breathing a little heavy... give the impression that she and hubs were in the midst of marital relations.
I can personally say doing anything similar to this ABSOLUTELY helps 😁 the more obvious the better!
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Dear And As If By Magic, Do not rush to judge the OP based on your obviously limited experience with a pain in the a*s MIL. My MIL is a passive-aggressive nightmare, who tried for 30 years to break my husband and I up. She made it clear from day one that she did not approve of me. She would say terrible things to me when my then fiancé was out of the room, then act all innocent when he came back and found me in tears. But he caught her, and told me to pack up. She got upset and ask him why, and he said, “This is the woman I love, intend to marry, adopt her children, and live with the rest of my life. You don’t have to like her, but you will accept her and her kids, and respect our marriage, or I will never darken your door again.” If he hadn’t stood up to her then, we would not be celebrating our 34th anniversary on the 25th of June. She is a lonely, miserable, self centered, wretch of a human being, who has alienated all 6 of her kids, and most of her 19 grandchildren.
Congrats a couple of weeks early on U’r 34th anniversary from my recently deceased 🙏 Dad & I (he passed away a few yrs ago, just 6 mos shy of what would have been 😢 his & Mom’s 60th anniversary) … He was extremely proud of me, my 2 sons & my youngest son’s 4 daughters — his great-granddaughters — a legacy that he considered 2B his greatest achievement of his entire life!!
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Whether the OP is an introvert or not (I am one as well) is irrelevant IMO. MIL has been asked to let them know when she's coming, and they should also have the right to say 'No, this is not a good time'. They have the right to privacy, to spend their time as they want, and to decide whom they let in their home, and when. MIL is just being plain rude.
Rude and selfish, but u likely to change her ways. The situation isn't fair, but if OP owns the house, let it out, and if she's renting, find another place.
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Entitled Mom's don't stay that way without weak sons. DH should have shut this down a long time to. The DH just sitting on his phone ignoring the situation isn't going to change anything. His "hints" are not going to work. She needs bluntness and a come to Jesus meeting with DH or nothing will change.
Anyone who turns up uninvited like this is fair game to get assigned work. Doing the dishes, ironing her sons shirts, cleaning the bathroom, anything goes. If she's like most people she'll catch on soon enough and either stay away or ask if it's alright to come by.
Great idea, if it works. She may try to use this to criticize her DIL, though.
Load More Replies... "It really isn't normal to have to mentally prepare yourself for a family visit." Uhhhh im sorry, WHAT. Gotta love ultra-norms. 😑
I agree with some of the poster that your DH should really just tell her this isn't okay. Why are so many men in these stories such wusses when it comes to their mommies?! Ugh! She's clearly selfish because it's been a problem and she continues. The poster above who said you should just go about your day, stay in another room, etc. has got the right idea but you shouldn't have to do that. If Dh won't handle it then take the reins and tell her as nicely as you can that you really don't like unexpected people at the house. If she shows up, don't answer the door. If she has a key and she lets herself in, tell her she forgot to call first so she needs to go. You have the right to privacy and you also have the right to simply say no. You don't need a reason to not want anyone over.
The only mammal with a bigger baby than an adult male human, is a blue whale.
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For that commenter that said that she should look at her own behavior, go screw yourself as if you live under a rock where introverts don't exist ...
Her MIL sounds like my mom, except she used to demand I visit her a millions times a week because "we live so close and I'm your mother" Now I live an hour away from her city so she can't do that anymore lol
My MIL was just like Marie. I'm betting she thought I was just like Debra. Minus the kids. We opted out of having children. She always held that against me. About 7 years into our marriage she wanted me to accidentally get pregnant. I tried to explain we decided that if we were going to have children it would be a joint decision. We never got there. I don't regret it.
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Sounds like MIL needs friends. They should look into a meetup group for people with similar interests and then sign her up. Go a couple of times with her, help her introduce herself to others and then step back. Then when she does call on you unexpectedly, politely tell her at the door that you are too busy for a visit at that time but that you’ll call her later to schedule one and then close the door.
It's past time for being polite. You tell her this isn't her home and she has no right to just stroll in and assume somebody has the time or desire to listen to you vent especially when they have guests. She may ignore you but she can't ignore her son. He shouldn't ignore her it's showing acceptance of her bad behavior. She shows 15 minutes before her son leaves so the wife has to deal with her.
I'm strongly extroverted, but that doesn't mean I want people showing up at my house uninvited. OP in NTA, but she and her hubby should seriously consider moving about an hour away from her MIL. Talking to her will not help; that's been proven. To escalate further will only provide more fodder for MIL's gossiping.
Oh, how I hate fodder for gossip. My MIL latched onto everything that was said. Sometimes asking leading questions. The next thing you know our business is was out there. We have a set of neighbors that are just like that too. They keep asking us over. We never go and have never asked them to our house.
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I’d let her in and just start cleaning. Then start telling her to help and I bet she’s stop coming real quick. Lol
Specifically, start vacuuming! Then yell you can't hear her if she b*tches!
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MIL needs a therapist she can talk to instead. If she's crying at your house frequently, she's using you as free emotional labour that you aren't qualified for.
@AndIfByMagic is wrong. Like other introverts, I don't only have to mentally prepare myself for a visit, etc. But, I also need time to detox from the event afterwards. If I was in OP's situation and had this happen every day, I would be at the point where I'd want to pull my own head off and smash it into the floor. When she comes tomorrow, turn some music up, loudly, hand MIL a broom, and start dusting. Or give into your feelings and tell her how you feel. It will sound like you're yelling at her, then she won't come over as often. You'll just have the problem of her telling everyone how disrespectful and rude you are. This is a battle worth fighting.
I kept reading DH as "Designated Hitter." (It's an American baseball term for those of you out in the rest of the world.)
My husband and I have been married for 28 years now. And I myself have been going through this for 27 years. But with his father and his brother. It got to a point where I had to move my own family farther away so they won’t stop by as often and unannounced. They still do but now they’re just stopping by on the weekends. So my husband I can’t make any plans or go anywhere on the weekend when we are both off because they are always here. Also what makes me upset is that they expect me to cook for them and serve them. So my point is that I know how you feel.
Stop cooking and serving them. And your husband needs to tell them that the next time they arrive uninvited, you aren't answering the door. Unless your husband's cool with this. If so, I'd leave.
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I assume the mother-in-law is lonely... which I'm sorry for but doesn't excuse her rude behavior. I would also try the "jacket tactic". If she shows up "surprisingly," always be "on the go." (Showering might not work...she's probably just joking.) But be nice... say things like, oh, it's nice to have you here, but I have to go. If you had said you wanted to come over, I would have taken my time and we could have a chat. Or turn the tables and visit them unannounced. I realize the desire to visit her is probably low, but maybe it helps curb the frequency of her attempts at least a bit.
How about we normalize introversion and start teaching extroverts how to be quiet and respectful?
Oh boy what a crazy scenario. I would hate uninvited visitors turning up all the time, especially emotionally draining ones. I have in-laws that have caused me no end of trouble. I should have set boundaries but one just assumes others are as respectful as you are. I also unfortunately allowed myself to be talked into my husband’s parents moving into our house. It’s weird how people can take over your lives so completely.
I can't believe someone said it's not normal to need to be mentally prepared for an inlaw"s visit ! I have to be mentally prepared for anyone to visit ! I value my privacy and I don't like frequent visitors - MIL or not. I had a great MIL and always called and asked if a certain time would be convenient for her to visit. If I had a MIL like that woman I would not answer the door. Visiting without calling first is extremely rude and I wouldn't put up with it.
At least it's just a pop by. My MIL moved in and almost ruined our business, her son's health, and our son's mental health. All that was after destroying my bill's life. She couldn't or wouldn't be left alone so she had to go to a facility. Just fyi "assisted living" doesn't offer assistance. But this lady is rude. Find a task for her - dusting, sweeping, shucking corn, folding laundry. And leave her to it. Give her a list and go upstairs. She will get the idea.
even if you arent introverted it is okay if you have to mentally prepare for ppl you have nothing in common, who are rude intruders and to whom you just dont feel any connection. it doesnt matter if it is family. it happens someone is just less likeable to you for no specific reason or that you dont have common topics or interests. such company is tgen very draining. you can still be civil and polite but it costs you some energy to spend time with such ppl
This isn't going to stop until you move too far away for her to do this.
My husband & I love our family, but only in small doses. An unannounced "pop by" is strictly a no-no for us. We just moved to Springfield, OR and as luck would have it (snark) we live less than a mile from Autzen Stadium, where the Oregon Ducks play. My husband's twin nieces (40's) are huge fans, but are also obnoxious, crass, loud and heavy drinkers. One of them said "Oh, good we can just stay with you next time we go down for a game" (they live in Portland). I told her point blank that wasn't gonna happen. She kept saying it and I kept telling her no. She thinks I was joking. We may be family, but we are not friends. If I met either of them in any other setting I would not choose to have a relationship with them. I know her Mom will set her straight, but she's in a for a really rude awakening if she shows up uninvited.
That is my BIL... it will never ever sink in... Some people don't understand and never will....
Did this behaviour suddenly start? This seems like a really predictable situation, that you allowed, but now want out with minimal effort If just popping by is the norm for your partner's family, and you married in, then you should either move or just expect a visit. I'm not saying it's right, but if that is how the whole family operates, it sounds like fantasy that it will change. You need to out physical space between you because it sounds like your partner is unwilling to set boundaries with the family. I should say my family would not tolerate a "don't show up unannounced ' policy, so I don't like close enough for drop ins. If you just bar the visits, you'll force your partner to choose sides, and no matter who is chosen, resentment will build.
Given her son's behavior, this is business as usual. He had better make her stop or he won't stay married.
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So this has almost nothing to do with a gate or drama related to aforementioned gate. Article title 0 out of 10.
Some of you can't admit that you have control issues, and you resort to seeking sympathy blaming it on mental or emotional instability. Some mothers spend decades taking care and nurturing their children preparing them to be good husbands and wives so they meet someone who controls when and how they spend time with their own mother. A gate REALLY! That gate was put up so you can remain likeable on the outside while on the inside YTAH.
Oh get over yourself, Mommy. People have lives~~his mother can acquire one that doesn't include harassing her son's family.
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What on earth would OP be jealous of? An old woman who has nothing better to do at 8 am than interrupt other people's mornings?
Load More Replies... Being an introvert myself I want to smack the person who said that the OP has issues because you shouldn't have to mentally prepare for family! I have to mentally prepare for friends, whom I like and I have chosen to be friends with, never mind a rude mother in law.
I thought the same thing as you. That commenter obviously doesn't understand what it's like to be introverted. You have to be prepared for any occasion where you might have to be sociable.
Load More Replies... Used to refer to people like this as "bomber pilots". They sweep in unannounced, drop their emotional garbage all over you, don't ask how you are (sometimes they barely acknowledge you) and then fly away.
For those of us more used to BP pinching stories from Reddit and are confused by the change in acronym, AIBU = Am I Being Unreasonable. (For the record - no, she is not)
Darling/dear husband, looks likes it's been ripped from mumsnet
Load More Replies... For all mothers-in-law, when your *adult* child is married or living with someone, you are NOT just visiting your child's home, you are visiting the home of a *couple*. And yes, that person your child chose to spend their life with has their own boundaries and desires that deserve to be respected! Don't barge in, don't invite yourself over, just don't!
"...it really isn't normal to have to mentally prepare yourself for a family visit. Look to your own behaviour." FUUUUUUUCK YOU. 1) It absolutely is normal. 2) OP literally states she's an introvert 3) the MIL seems like the worst kind of visitor 4) if you're doing something for yourself and/your nuclear family, you shouldnt have to stop doing that because someone was rude and dropped by completely unannounced. 5) anyone that's told someone to not just drop by, especially someone that no one really seems to enjoy stopping, should aboslutely be allowed to mentally prepare. GFY with that s**t comment.
Ya really don’t want to “pop” in on me MIL because I am nude 80% of the day. That’s why the blinds are closed. But if you don’t mind having a cup of coffee while I sit there in my birthday suit, welcome to the party!
Load More Replies... The one who said that it's not normal to mentally prepare for family gatherings is completely off because interacting with anyone is a lot for some people.
Early in our marriage, my in-laws did this. I get more time off then hubby, so would take a day here and there to be home alone and goof off or do projects. They would invariable show up to keep me company. We learned very quickly not to tell them when I was off, and hubby told them that while we loved them both, they needed to check in before coming over to see if it was OK. Thankfully they listened.
We have walls and gates in Brazil, a very nice thing to have int these situations. I also hate surprises like this, blatantly ignoring whoever I need.
When it comes to interfering MILs, a moat containing sharks with frickin' lasers and a drawbridge would not be considered "too much", let alone a gate!
Well, I had to pop on this one. My best friend has had this problem for years. All of her in laws live within a two mile radius of her home, and she often comes home from work to pool parties already going on in her back yard when neither her nor her husband invited anyone nor were even home. It has caused a huge marital rift.
That would be rough. Coming home ready to just unwind and relax and not only are there lots of unexpected people at your house they are having a party in your pool. The one that you were going to relax in.
Load More Replies... Before I moved 2 hours away, I had a relative that would do this on the weekends. She had a key, that was only meant for emergencies, but she would just let herself in uninvited at 8am on a Saturday. Also, since I was a single mom and it was just myself and my daughter, the alarm would be armed. I should also mention I suffer from anxiety/panic disorder....but imagine peacefully sleeping in on a saturday and being scared out of a dead sleep by the house alarm and the sound of someone storming through your home yelling what's for breakfast. I explained it to her on several occasions that it needs to stop but she just kept on like it was entertainment for her and kept doing it. Well when I at enough I called my security company and had them put a remote lock, video doorbell, and security cams up on the property. Following weekend she tried to pull her sh*t and found the new lock. She rang the doorbell and I got on my phone to talk on the speaker and said what do you want.......
she wanted me to open the door and I told her she was here unannounced and I am resting because it's my ONLY day off and I'm busy later so I'll talk to her later. She finally left after I told her for the 3rd time Im not letting her in, then she called my mom!!! My mom calls me, and I explain what happened and to stay out of it. They even tried the what if there's an emergency, like my daughter getting locked out while I'm at work....I was like the lock is remote so I can let her in using my phone. She had to find some other relative to bother.
Load More Replies... We had this problem, I just stopped answering the door. It takes a few attempts but it eventually sinks in
Next time MIL shows up unannounced, OP should answer the door in a skimpy robe, breathing a little heavy... give the impression that she and hubs were in the midst of marital relations.
I can personally say doing anything similar to this ABSOLUTELY helps 😁 the more obvious the better!
Load More Replies... Dear And As If By Magic, Do not rush to judge the OP based on your obviously limited experience with a pain in the a*s MIL. My MIL is a passive-aggressive nightmare, who tried for 30 years to break my husband and I up. She made it clear from day one that she did not approve of me. She would say terrible things to me when my then fiancé was out of the room, then act all innocent when he came back and found me in tears. But he caught her, and told me to pack up. She got upset and ask him why, and he said, “This is the woman I love, intend to marry, adopt her children, and live with the rest of my life. You don’t have to like her, but you will accept her and her kids, and respect our marriage, or I will never darken your door again.” If he hadn’t stood up to her then, we would not be celebrating our 34th anniversary on the 25th of June. She is a lonely, miserable, self centered, wretch of a human being, who has alienated all 6 of her kids, and most of her 19 grandchildren.
Congrats a couple of weeks early on U’r 34th anniversary from my recently deceased 🙏 Dad & I (he passed away a few yrs ago, just 6 mos shy of what would have been 😢 his & Mom’s 60th anniversary) … He was extremely proud of me, my 2 sons & my youngest son’s 4 daughters — his great-granddaughters — a legacy that he considered 2B his greatest achievement of his entire life!!
Load More Replies... Whether the OP is an introvert or not (I am one as well) is irrelevant IMO. MIL has been asked to let them know when she's coming, and they should also have the right to say 'No, this is not a good time'. They have the right to privacy, to spend their time as they want, and to decide whom they let in their home, and when. MIL is just being plain rude.
Rude and selfish, but u likely to change her ways. The situation isn't fair, but if OP owns the house, let it out, and if she's renting, find another place.
Load More Replies... Entitled Mom's don't stay that way without weak sons. DH should have shut this down a long time to. The DH just sitting on his phone ignoring the situation isn't going to change anything. His "hints" are not going to work. She needs bluntness and a come to Jesus meeting with DH or nothing will change.
Anyone who turns up uninvited like this is fair game to get assigned work. Doing the dishes, ironing her sons shirts, cleaning the bathroom, anything goes. If she's like most people she'll catch on soon enough and either stay away or ask if it's alright to come by.
Great idea, if it works. She may try to use this to criticize her DIL, though.
Load More Replies... "It really isn't normal to have to mentally prepare yourself for a family visit." Uhhhh im sorry, WHAT. Gotta love ultra-norms. 😑
I agree with some of the poster that your DH should really just tell her this isn't okay. Why are so many men in these stories such wusses when it comes to their mommies?! Ugh! She's clearly selfish because it's been a problem and she continues. The poster above who said you should just go about your day, stay in another room, etc. has got the right idea but you shouldn't have to do that. If Dh won't handle it then take the reins and tell her as nicely as you can that you really don't like unexpected people at the house. If she shows up, don't answer the door. If she has a key and she lets herself in, tell her she forgot to call first so she needs to go. You have the right to privacy and you also have the right to simply say no. You don't need a reason to not want anyone over.
The only mammal with a bigger baby than an adult male human, is a blue whale.
Load More Replies... For that commenter that said that she should look at her own behavior, go screw yourself as if you live under a rock where introverts don't exist ...
Her MIL sounds like my mom, except she used to demand I visit her a millions times a week because "we live so close and I'm your mother" Now I live an hour away from her city so she can't do that anymore lol
My MIL was just like Marie. I'm betting she thought I was just like Debra. Minus the kids. We opted out of having children. She always held that against me. About 7 years into our marriage she wanted me to accidentally get pregnant. I tried to explain we decided that if we were going to have children it would be a joint decision. We never got there. I don't regret it.
Load More Replies... Sounds like MIL needs friends. They should look into a meetup group for people with similar interests and then sign her up. Go a couple of times with her, help her introduce herself to others and then step back. Then when she does call on you unexpectedly, politely tell her at the door that you are too busy for a visit at that time but that you’ll call her later to schedule one and then close the door.
It's past time for being polite. You tell her this isn't her home and she has no right to just stroll in and assume somebody has the time or desire to listen to you vent especially when they have guests. She may ignore you but she can't ignore her son. He shouldn't ignore her it's showing acceptance of her bad behavior. She shows 15 minutes before her son leaves so the wife has to deal with her.
I'm strongly extroverted, but that doesn't mean I want people showing up at my house uninvited. OP in NTA, but she and her hubby should seriously consider moving about an hour away from her MIL. Talking to her will not help; that's been proven. To escalate further will only provide more fodder for MIL's gossiping.
Oh, how I hate fodder for gossip. My MIL latched onto everything that was said. Sometimes asking leading questions. The next thing you know our business is was out there. We have a set of neighbors that are just like that too. They keep asking us over. We never go and have never asked them to our house.
Load More Replies... I’d let her in and just start cleaning. Then start telling her to help and I bet she’s stop coming real quick. Lol
Specifically, start vacuuming! Then yell you can't hear her if she b*tches!
Load More Replies... MIL needs a therapist she can talk to instead. If she's crying at your house frequently, she's using you as free emotional labour that you aren't qualified for.
@AndIfByMagic is wrong. Like other introverts, I don't only have to mentally prepare myself for a visit, etc. But, I also need time to detox from the event afterwards. If I was in OP's situation and had this happen every day, I would be at the point where I'd want to pull my own head off and smash it into the floor. When she comes tomorrow, turn some music up, loudly, hand MIL a broom, and start dusting. Or give into your feelings and tell her how you feel. It will sound like you're yelling at her, then she won't come over as often. You'll just have the problem of her telling everyone how disrespectful and rude you are. This is a battle worth fighting.
I kept reading DH as "Designated Hitter." (It's an American baseball term for those of you out in the rest of the world.)
My husband and I have been married for 28 years now. And I myself have been going through this for 27 years. But with his father and his brother. It got to a point where I had to move my own family farther away so they won’t stop by as often and unannounced. They still do but now they’re just stopping by on the weekends. So my husband I can’t make any plans or go anywhere on the weekend when we are both off because they are always here. Also what makes me upset is that they expect me to cook for them and serve them. So my point is that I know how you feel.
Stop cooking and serving them. And your husband needs to tell them that the next time they arrive uninvited, you aren't answering the door. Unless your husband's cool with this. If so, I'd leave.
Load More Replies... I assume the mother-in-law is lonely... which I'm sorry for but doesn't excuse her rude behavior. I would also try the "jacket tactic". If she shows up "surprisingly," always be "on the go." (Showering might not work...she's probably just joking.) But be nice... say things like, oh, it's nice to have you here, but I have to go. If you had said you wanted to come over, I would have taken my time and we could have a chat. Or turn the tables and visit them unannounced. I realize the desire to visit her is probably low, but maybe it helps curb the frequency of her attempts at least a bit.
How about we normalize introversion and start teaching extroverts how to be quiet and respectful?
Oh boy what a crazy scenario. I would hate uninvited visitors turning up all the time, especially emotionally draining ones. I have in-laws that have caused me no end of trouble. I should have set boundaries but one just assumes others are as respectful as you are. I also unfortunately allowed myself to be talked into my husband’s parents moving into our house. It’s weird how people can take over your lives so completely.
I can't believe someone said it's not normal to need to be mentally prepared for an inlaw"s visit ! I have to be mentally prepared for anyone to visit ! I value my privacy and I don't like frequent visitors - MIL or not. I had a great MIL and always called and asked if a certain time would be convenient for her to visit. If I had a MIL like that woman I would not answer the door. Visiting without calling first is extremely rude and I wouldn't put up with it.
At least it's just a pop by. My MIL moved in and almost ruined our business, her son's health, and our son's mental health. All that was after destroying my bill's life. She couldn't or wouldn't be left alone so she had to go to a facility. Just fyi "assisted living" doesn't offer assistance. But this lady is rude. Find a task for her - dusting, sweeping, shucking corn, folding laundry. And leave her to it. Give her a list and go upstairs. She will get the idea.
even if you arent introverted it is okay if you have to mentally prepare for ppl you have nothing in common, who are rude intruders and to whom you just dont feel any connection. it doesnt matter if it is family. it happens someone is just less likeable to you for no specific reason or that you dont have common topics or interests. such company is tgen very draining. you can still be civil and polite but it costs you some energy to spend time with such ppl
This isn't going to stop until you move too far away for her to do this.
My husband & I love our family, but only in small doses. An unannounced "pop by" is strictly a no-no for us. We just moved to Springfield, OR and as luck would have it (snark) we live less than a mile from Autzen Stadium, where the Oregon Ducks play. My husband's twin nieces (40's) are huge fans, but are also obnoxious, crass, loud and heavy drinkers. One of them said "Oh, good we can just stay with you next time we go down for a game" (they live in Portland). I told her point blank that wasn't gonna happen. She kept saying it and I kept telling her no. She thinks I was joking. We may be family, but we are not friends. If I met either of them in any other setting I would not choose to have a relationship with them. I know her Mom will set her straight, but she's in a for a really rude awakening if she shows up uninvited.
That is my BIL... it will never ever sink in... Some people don't understand and never will....
Did this behaviour suddenly start? This seems like a really predictable situation, that you allowed, but now want out with minimal effort If just popping by is the norm for your partner's family, and you married in, then you should either move or just expect a visit. I'm not saying it's right, but if that is how the whole family operates, it sounds like fantasy that it will change. You need to out physical space between you because it sounds like your partner is unwilling to set boundaries with the family. I should say my family would not tolerate a "don't show up unannounced ' policy, so I don't like close enough for drop ins. If you just bar the visits, you'll force your partner to choose sides, and no matter who is chosen, resentment will build.
Given her son's behavior, this is business as usual. He had better make her stop or he won't stay married.
Load More Replies... So this has almost nothing to do with a gate or drama related to aforementioned gate. Article title 0 out of 10.
Some of you can't admit that you have control issues, and you resort to seeking sympathy blaming it on mental or emotional instability. Some mothers spend decades taking care and nurturing their children preparing them to be good husbands and wives so they meet someone who controls when and how they spend time with their own mother. A gate REALLY! That gate was put up so you can remain likeable on the outside while on the inside YTAH.
Oh get over yourself, Mommy. People have lives~~his mother can acquire one that doesn't include harassing her son's family.
Load More Replies... What on earth would OP be jealous of? An old woman who has nothing better to do at 8 am than interrupt other people's mornings?
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