It’s no secret that little things can stir up some serious issues in our extended families. Especially if it’s something that involves kids and decisions made against their parents.
“One tiny thing that came about when I had a daughter was ear piercing,” wrote one woman on r/AITA who added she was not comfortable with the idea from the beginning. Moreover, there have been some “cultural difference issues in the past” with her husband’s family.
Turns out, the woman’s mother-in-law decided to pierce their daughter’s ears, saying it’s something “she has done for all the babies in the family and it was tradition.” The author of the post said that it was a turning point from which she decided not to have her “mother-in-law alone with the kids.”
Wondering if it was the right decision, the author has gone on Reddit to ask for advice on this whole situation.
After her mother-in-law decided to pierce her granddaughter’s ears behind her back, this mom decided she won’t allow the MIL alone with the kids
Image credits: Andrew Bardwell (not the actual photo)
So she shared the incident on r/AITA asking if it’s the right decision
Image credits: PatientEase
And this is what people had to comment on the whole situation
Any "traditions" that involve the mutilation of children (or any person who cannot give informed consent) should be completely excised from the world. I don't just mean this kind of thing, but female and male circumcision, other genital mutilation, tattoos, and any other vile mutilation in the name of "culture" or "religious tradition".
I'm so with you here. I feel like this is a mutilation. For reference, I am American, and not from any culture that finds this acceptable. And I do have pierced ears. And I wanted them so badly when I was a kid, but my father, who never put his foot down on anything, put his foot down on that. Which is odd, it's not like one set of pierced ears were some fashion rage. I walked out the door on my 18th birthday and thumbed my nose at him. Literally. But he did have the last laugh when I developed a nickel allergy. All that being said, it's not that I'm against them, but I am against babies getting them, when they have no ability to even give an opinion. Even if a child is, say, 5. They at least can understand that there will be some pain, and do they like them at that age. My stepdaughter got hers pierced at 3, and remembers it to this day (she's 30). She said she had nightmares for years. But her mother wanted a little doll to dress up. And the hell with cultural norms.
Load More Replies...File a report for child abuse against the MIL. I would do that to my own mother if she would have the gall to pierce my children's ears while she knew my wife wouldn't have it. Actions do have consequences and I don't care what my relationship to you is, hurt my children or my wife's feelings and your mine.
I'm with you. I think this is so beyond the pale. But I'm afraid it sounds like hubby wouldn't go along.
Load More Replies...I am 100% with the person who asked "but what about YOUR traditions?". Having it all one way, where there are still two separate influences is not good for a successful relationship and raising of children. If OP hasn't fully embraced and bought into her husband's culture she still has her OWN to consider and that is being overridden and obliterated in the rudest way possible.
Although it does sound like they've talked all this through as mature and equal adults and come to decisions together about this - we can see that they have decided together to honour some traditions and to leave other traditions that they as a couple are unhappy with. AND the husband backs his wife in the things she feel strongly about. Sounds like a pretty good relationship to me.
Load More Replies...NTA It's not (just) about the earrings. It's any parenting decision you make that she disagrees with, or just doesn't consider important enough to bother with. If she will not abide by your rules, then you can't leave your children with her. This time it was earrpiercing.
I wouldn't be surprised if MIL is already arranging a marriage for the kid. And I don't mean that sarcastically. Anyone who would go so against a mother's wishes, well.....
Load More Replies...I’m currently pregnant with a baby girl and my husband is also from a different nationality than me. I think it’s also common to pierce the babies ears where he is from too, but I am completely against it as well. I want her to decide for herself. I don’t like the idea of forcing my ideas into a child whether it be religion, food choices, or beauty standards. If I start doing that when she’s that young then she’s already set up to not be able to make her own decisions and either rely on what I or others want for her to do. I am going to have a talk with my husband and make sure when his mother comes and helps when she’s born she doesn’t do this behind my back either. I love his mother and I don’t think she would, but I’d rather be prepared just in case.
Be sure to keep an equal number of people from your own family around, to be advocates for your wishes. If his side of the family only ever hears objections from you, they may just ignore them. BUT if they hear it from multiple members of YOUR family, it won’t e so easy to ignore. Play the numbers game, and be sure there are plenty of people from your team around too.
Load More Replies...There's a tradition in my country to cut the MIL's ears off once you marry a man. Good luck...!! Just tell her...
I am proud of this mother stood for herlsef and for defending her kids. My non catholic cousin just baptised his kid (inflating the statistics of the church) because our granma wanted to. No. He also lied to her for 13 years to not tell her that he and his now wife were livjng together. Grow a spine! I told my granma that i lived with my partner as soon as we moved together. Apparently i caused some fight between him and his then girlfriend for showing that its ok to upset her by telling the truth
my grandma is also sad we didnt have a wedding at a church but we had a civilian (not religious) wedding outside. she still thinks it was beautiful anyway. you have to stand by your views. OP is NTA. a friend wanted to wear white trainers to her wedding but didnt as family was against. and she was pregnant then. I am like why not? it is YOUR wedding YOUR rules. The shoes are not visible under the long dress anyway and trainers are for sure more comfortable. If I wanted to have a wedding in jeans and t shirt I should have it and everyone not respecting my wishes can just go f.. of.
Load More Replies...NTA - 100% My daughter was 14 when she got her ears pierced. We had professionals do it and she ended up with infections and lumps around the piercing site. What if something had gone wrong? Your are NOT overreacting
I was 16. Paid professionals. Had such a severe infection I ended up in hospital. You can't risk that with a tiny baby!!
Load More Replies..."Tradition" is a great word to excuse "inflicting my will on those without power". My mom's family does NOT pierce chidlren's ears. If you choose to at 18, fine. Otherwise, no until adulthood.
Yes, the whole tradition or cultural thing makes my blood boil. It's "cultural" for men to treat women like slaves in some cultures, but that doesn't make it okay. And it doesn't excuse them. You don't get live like you're in the dark ages simply because it's your culture. They know better. And this is the same type of thing, with some blatant disregard of the parents wishes thrown on top.
Load More Replies...Traditions are only one side (and those traditions are sometimes outdated). The other side for me is practical. I didn't want to put earrings in my daughter's ears while she was little. More difficult to pull her clothes over her head, clothes might hitch in the earring (happened to our friend's little one several times), the endings might hurt her skin behind the ear, overall pain in the butt. She was better without earrings.
you can have the very small type of earrings that wont bother you when you dress her. just saying. I agree with the OP. MIL has no right to decide against the parents' wishes
Load More Replies...I have some feelings around piercing children anyway, but that's neither here nor there. You don't do that without the parents consent. It's not like giving the kids a cheeky ice cream or letting them stay up a bit late to watch a movie. It demonstrates that she does not care at all about the wishes of the parents, only her own "traditions". If she had sat OP down and had a conversation about it, laying out how much it means to her and her culture, fair enough. I don't get it, but it's what a reasonable adult would do. That keeps the decision in OPs court and still gives the realistic option to say no. Sneaking behind her back to poke holes in her kids is just not on. Total breach of trust.
I would think babies would be at greater risk of infectIon. I wasn't allowed to have my ears pierced until around 9 years old. I was diligent about cleaning them but the one stll got infected so we took them out. My mom made me wait 2 more years. I think babies with ears pierced look odd.
I don't think age is a factor in whether or not they become infected.
Load More Replies...My grandma did that same thing and got my sisters’ ears pierced, even though my dad was very against it. My dad never fully forgave her, it wasn’t about the piercings, but the disrespect. When my daughter was born I thought about piercing her ears but her dad said not until she chooses to. So when she was 5yo she asked for earrings and got them. Good rule is that “no” trumps “yes”
She is right to ban MIL. My kids, My rules. I have to add that it felt a little weird to me to read in the comments if family in law was Mexican. it does not anything to do with MIL crossing boundaries. Considered the country-of-origin comment irrelevant.
This is also the MIL's way of saying, your child is not your own, and you will bow to me, my family and my wishes. My grandparents tried this with my mom. The result? My parents didn't take us to see them until the youngest was 8 and could exert his own opinion and wishes.
MIL has major boundary issues and deserves a long time out until she can respect her son and DIL's wishes and not go behind their back to pull a shady stunt like she did. If she were my MIL, she'd have zero visitation with grandchild until I was no longer p***ed, which would probably take about 6 months. Then she'd never, ever, ever be alone with my kids ever again.
This is messed up. Definitely NTA. You are the parent so what you decide is final.
NTA In my culture it is considered normal to pierce girls ears shortly after birth but If the mother is from a different culture and she disagrees MIL has no right to pierce the daughters ears at all AND it seems to me also the husband didnt agree. MIL (maternal or paternal) should raise children in accordance with the parents's wishes. I wouldnt leave the MIL with the child alone either as she may also push some toxic opinions into her. if she doesnt respect your wishes in something so minor as piercing the ears then she can be a very bad influence in other aspecs as well. But the child should still have contact with the MIL under supervision as children need their grandmas. OP solved the issue in the best way she could
Honestly, I would have called the police and had MIL arrested for child abuse, then followed through to ensure she received the maximum possible legal penalty.
It's all about power and influence. This is your family, put your foot down, instruct your husband and never let any questions arise again about who is in charge with your baby. Ever. MIL will either respect you more for it and feel that you understand how families are run or she'll fight you - in which case you cut ties with her.
NTA, you are the child's mother, not her, she has assulted your baby girl, not only would I never leave her alone with any child, I would charge her with assult, she put holes in your baby against your wishes, not on.
It's definitely the pain aspect for me. Getting a piercing F*****G HURTS and she did that to a child young enough to not understand why she is in pain????
What the parents want or don't want for their child override what others want; culture and tradition be damned.
My FORMER MIL ( yes, I meant all caps) decided to have her daughter's children christened in her church, by her priest against SIL and husband's wishes. The children's dad was Baptist and of course wanted to have them baptized in his family's church. They wanted to wait to have both children have the ceremony at the same time so that the entire family could attend, including deployed active duty service members. Needless to say, "former insufferable MIL." BTW, they did have the baptisms as they had planned, MIL and FIL were not invited.
The mother-in-law is a disrespectful jerk who caused suffering to an innocent baby. Earrings on babies look awful and trashy, traditional on not. Babies are perfect as they are and don't need jewelley! Shame on anyone who would purposely inflict pain, no matter how brief, on a baby.
Under the rules of Western culture, the anti-piercing mom is not the asshole. But it's very likely that by the rules of the mother's culture, she IS the asshoke! A lot of cultures where women serve the men have rules about daughters-in-law having to serve and obey her husband's parents, and by the MEL'S standards the OP is being a daughter-in-law from hell. This isn't over.
This is indeed not over, probably. But let me just say that "Western culture" as a whole does not go very far as a criterium. Would you include, say, Italy? Then have a chat with my MIL, please.
Load More Replies...My concern is with transporting the infant from the home, that the sil didn't come to the home. I have a 2 yo grandson that I never take from his house, Even tho I am his childcare provider when their parents work. He is the safest staying home. His parents know how to use his carseat. I have 4 children, so I know how to use a carseat and each decade brought safer seats so what I used in the 80s,90s, and 2000s would be different and have better features. Plus I DO NOT trust the butt heads out there driving. I may be a good driver but would not have the huge responsibility of their care when it is unnecessary for them to travel. The grandmother had no permission to do either, the ear piercing or the leaving with the children. Could you imagine if there was an accident? The possibility of a fatal outcome? Not worth it in my book.
Any "traditions" that involve the mutilation of children (or any person who cannot give informed consent) should be completely excised from the world. I don't just mean this kind of thing, but female and male circumcision, other genital mutilation, tattoos, and any other vile mutilation in the name of "culture" or "religious tradition".
I'm so with you here. I feel like this is a mutilation. For reference, I am American, and not from any culture that finds this acceptable. And I do have pierced ears. And I wanted them so badly when I was a kid, but my father, who never put his foot down on anything, put his foot down on that. Which is odd, it's not like one set of pierced ears were some fashion rage. I walked out the door on my 18th birthday and thumbed my nose at him. Literally. But he did have the last laugh when I developed a nickel allergy. All that being said, it's not that I'm against them, but I am against babies getting them, when they have no ability to even give an opinion. Even if a child is, say, 5. They at least can understand that there will be some pain, and do they like them at that age. My stepdaughter got hers pierced at 3, and remembers it to this day (she's 30). She said she had nightmares for years. But her mother wanted a little doll to dress up. And the hell with cultural norms.
Load More Replies...File a report for child abuse against the MIL. I would do that to my own mother if she would have the gall to pierce my children's ears while she knew my wife wouldn't have it. Actions do have consequences and I don't care what my relationship to you is, hurt my children or my wife's feelings and your mine.
I'm with you. I think this is so beyond the pale. But I'm afraid it sounds like hubby wouldn't go along.
Load More Replies...I am 100% with the person who asked "but what about YOUR traditions?". Having it all one way, where there are still two separate influences is not good for a successful relationship and raising of children. If OP hasn't fully embraced and bought into her husband's culture she still has her OWN to consider and that is being overridden and obliterated in the rudest way possible.
Although it does sound like they've talked all this through as mature and equal adults and come to decisions together about this - we can see that they have decided together to honour some traditions and to leave other traditions that they as a couple are unhappy with. AND the husband backs his wife in the things she feel strongly about. Sounds like a pretty good relationship to me.
Load More Replies...NTA It's not (just) about the earrings. It's any parenting decision you make that she disagrees with, or just doesn't consider important enough to bother with. If she will not abide by your rules, then you can't leave your children with her. This time it was earrpiercing.
I wouldn't be surprised if MIL is already arranging a marriage for the kid. And I don't mean that sarcastically. Anyone who would go so against a mother's wishes, well.....
Load More Replies...I’m currently pregnant with a baby girl and my husband is also from a different nationality than me. I think it’s also common to pierce the babies ears where he is from too, but I am completely against it as well. I want her to decide for herself. I don’t like the idea of forcing my ideas into a child whether it be religion, food choices, or beauty standards. If I start doing that when she’s that young then she’s already set up to not be able to make her own decisions and either rely on what I or others want for her to do. I am going to have a talk with my husband and make sure when his mother comes and helps when she’s born she doesn’t do this behind my back either. I love his mother and I don’t think she would, but I’d rather be prepared just in case.
Be sure to keep an equal number of people from your own family around, to be advocates for your wishes. If his side of the family only ever hears objections from you, they may just ignore them. BUT if they hear it from multiple members of YOUR family, it won’t e so easy to ignore. Play the numbers game, and be sure there are plenty of people from your team around too.
Load More Replies...There's a tradition in my country to cut the MIL's ears off once you marry a man. Good luck...!! Just tell her...
I am proud of this mother stood for herlsef and for defending her kids. My non catholic cousin just baptised his kid (inflating the statistics of the church) because our granma wanted to. No. He also lied to her for 13 years to not tell her that he and his now wife were livjng together. Grow a spine! I told my granma that i lived with my partner as soon as we moved together. Apparently i caused some fight between him and his then girlfriend for showing that its ok to upset her by telling the truth
my grandma is also sad we didnt have a wedding at a church but we had a civilian (not religious) wedding outside. she still thinks it was beautiful anyway. you have to stand by your views. OP is NTA. a friend wanted to wear white trainers to her wedding but didnt as family was against. and she was pregnant then. I am like why not? it is YOUR wedding YOUR rules. The shoes are not visible under the long dress anyway and trainers are for sure more comfortable. If I wanted to have a wedding in jeans and t shirt I should have it and everyone not respecting my wishes can just go f.. of.
Load More Replies...NTA - 100% My daughter was 14 when she got her ears pierced. We had professionals do it and she ended up with infections and lumps around the piercing site. What if something had gone wrong? Your are NOT overreacting
I was 16. Paid professionals. Had such a severe infection I ended up in hospital. You can't risk that with a tiny baby!!
Load More Replies..."Tradition" is a great word to excuse "inflicting my will on those without power". My mom's family does NOT pierce chidlren's ears. If you choose to at 18, fine. Otherwise, no until adulthood.
Yes, the whole tradition or cultural thing makes my blood boil. It's "cultural" for men to treat women like slaves in some cultures, but that doesn't make it okay. And it doesn't excuse them. You don't get live like you're in the dark ages simply because it's your culture. They know better. And this is the same type of thing, with some blatant disregard of the parents wishes thrown on top.
Load More Replies...Traditions are only one side (and those traditions are sometimes outdated). The other side for me is practical. I didn't want to put earrings in my daughter's ears while she was little. More difficult to pull her clothes over her head, clothes might hitch in the earring (happened to our friend's little one several times), the endings might hurt her skin behind the ear, overall pain in the butt. She was better without earrings.
you can have the very small type of earrings that wont bother you when you dress her. just saying. I agree with the OP. MIL has no right to decide against the parents' wishes
Load More Replies...I have some feelings around piercing children anyway, but that's neither here nor there. You don't do that without the parents consent. It's not like giving the kids a cheeky ice cream or letting them stay up a bit late to watch a movie. It demonstrates that she does not care at all about the wishes of the parents, only her own "traditions". If she had sat OP down and had a conversation about it, laying out how much it means to her and her culture, fair enough. I don't get it, but it's what a reasonable adult would do. That keeps the decision in OPs court and still gives the realistic option to say no. Sneaking behind her back to poke holes in her kids is just not on. Total breach of trust.
I would think babies would be at greater risk of infectIon. I wasn't allowed to have my ears pierced until around 9 years old. I was diligent about cleaning them but the one stll got infected so we took them out. My mom made me wait 2 more years. I think babies with ears pierced look odd.
I don't think age is a factor in whether or not they become infected.
Load More Replies...My grandma did that same thing and got my sisters’ ears pierced, even though my dad was very against it. My dad never fully forgave her, it wasn’t about the piercings, but the disrespect. When my daughter was born I thought about piercing her ears but her dad said not until she chooses to. So when she was 5yo she asked for earrings and got them. Good rule is that “no” trumps “yes”
She is right to ban MIL. My kids, My rules. I have to add that it felt a little weird to me to read in the comments if family in law was Mexican. it does not anything to do with MIL crossing boundaries. Considered the country-of-origin comment irrelevant.
This is also the MIL's way of saying, your child is not your own, and you will bow to me, my family and my wishes. My grandparents tried this with my mom. The result? My parents didn't take us to see them until the youngest was 8 and could exert his own opinion and wishes.
MIL has major boundary issues and deserves a long time out until she can respect her son and DIL's wishes and not go behind their back to pull a shady stunt like she did. If she were my MIL, she'd have zero visitation with grandchild until I was no longer p***ed, which would probably take about 6 months. Then she'd never, ever, ever be alone with my kids ever again.
This is messed up. Definitely NTA. You are the parent so what you decide is final.
NTA In my culture it is considered normal to pierce girls ears shortly after birth but If the mother is from a different culture and she disagrees MIL has no right to pierce the daughters ears at all AND it seems to me also the husband didnt agree. MIL (maternal or paternal) should raise children in accordance with the parents's wishes. I wouldnt leave the MIL with the child alone either as she may also push some toxic opinions into her. if she doesnt respect your wishes in something so minor as piercing the ears then she can be a very bad influence in other aspecs as well. But the child should still have contact with the MIL under supervision as children need their grandmas. OP solved the issue in the best way she could
Honestly, I would have called the police and had MIL arrested for child abuse, then followed through to ensure she received the maximum possible legal penalty.
It's all about power and influence. This is your family, put your foot down, instruct your husband and never let any questions arise again about who is in charge with your baby. Ever. MIL will either respect you more for it and feel that you understand how families are run or she'll fight you - in which case you cut ties with her.
NTA, you are the child's mother, not her, she has assulted your baby girl, not only would I never leave her alone with any child, I would charge her with assult, she put holes in your baby against your wishes, not on.
It's definitely the pain aspect for me. Getting a piercing F*****G HURTS and she did that to a child young enough to not understand why she is in pain????
What the parents want or don't want for their child override what others want; culture and tradition be damned.
My FORMER MIL ( yes, I meant all caps) decided to have her daughter's children christened in her church, by her priest against SIL and husband's wishes. The children's dad was Baptist and of course wanted to have them baptized in his family's church. They wanted to wait to have both children have the ceremony at the same time so that the entire family could attend, including deployed active duty service members. Needless to say, "former insufferable MIL." BTW, they did have the baptisms as they had planned, MIL and FIL were not invited.
The mother-in-law is a disrespectful jerk who caused suffering to an innocent baby. Earrings on babies look awful and trashy, traditional on not. Babies are perfect as they are and don't need jewelley! Shame on anyone who would purposely inflict pain, no matter how brief, on a baby.
Under the rules of Western culture, the anti-piercing mom is not the asshole. But it's very likely that by the rules of the mother's culture, she IS the asshoke! A lot of cultures where women serve the men have rules about daughters-in-law having to serve and obey her husband's parents, and by the MEL'S standards the OP is being a daughter-in-law from hell. This isn't over.
This is indeed not over, probably. But let me just say that "Western culture" as a whole does not go very far as a criterium. Would you include, say, Italy? Then have a chat with my MIL, please.
Load More Replies...My concern is with transporting the infant from the home, that the sil didn't come to the home. I have a 2 yo grandson that I never take from his house, Even tho I am his childcare provider when their parents work. He is the safest staying home. His parents know how to use his carseat. I have 4 children, so I know how to use a carseat and each decade brought safer seats so what I used in the 80s,90s, and 2000s would be different and have better features. Plus I DO NOT trust the butt heads out there driving. I may be a good driver but would not have the huge responsibility of their care when it is unnecessary for them to travel. The grandmother had no permission to do either, the ear piercing or the leaving with the children. Could you imagine if there was an accident? The possibility of a fatal outcome? Not worth it in my book.
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