Mother-In-Law Expects To Be Treated The Same As Her Daughter, Husband Can’t Take It Anymore, Family Drama Ensues
You usually get more out of holidays and celebrations when you focus on giving, not receiving. But be careful. Knowing that, people might try to take advantage of you.
And that’s exactly what Reddit user ThrowawayKev135, who, for the simplicity of this article, we’ll call Kev, has accused his mother-in-law of.
You see, Kev is well-off and likes to show his wife that he cares about her not only with words and actions, but, when there’s an opportunity, with things as well.
His mother-in-law noticed this and started pressuring the guy to start treating her too. It got to a point where she started demanding jewelry. Refusing to go down this path, Kev confronted her about it in front of the whole family, and the situation quickly escalated with him feeling alienated.
So, he turned to the “Am I the a***ole?” community and told what happened, asking its members if he was in the wrong.
Everyone dreams of having a pleasant and drama-free relationship with their in-laws
Image credits: Kim Stiver (not the actual photo)
But this man would probably tell you it’s impossible
Image credits: Manik Roy (not the actual photo)
Situations like this aren’t benefiting anyone. But instead of judging the mother-in-law, we might be able to blame Mother Nature instead.
A recent study published in the Evolutionary Psychological Science journal claims that both men and women have more fights with their mothers-in-law (44%) than with their own mothers (39%).
The majority of conflicts between spouses and their mothers-in-law revolve around financial resources and child care.
This shouldn’t come as a surprise, as finances and children are common among the top stress factors in many relationships, according to Marriage.com.
These issues are vital to a successful marriage as they are both “central to long-term reproductive success as resources and the time and effort spent on kin care are finite,” the study noted.
Image credits: Kat Smith (not the actual photo)
The researchers suggested that these disagreements may be “influenced by genetic conflict” as each person “unconsciously acts in the interest of their genetic kin” instead of in each individual’s best interest.
“This genetic conflict may cause affines (in-laws) to disagree about the distribution of resources and investment, just as we see mothers and fathers disagreeing in these domains,” the authors of the study explained. “Our results are consistent with the hypothesis that genetic conflict may underlie negative social interactions that occur in affinal (in-law) relationships.”
The researchers also noted that animosity between in-laws is likely strengthened by the fact that they “do not choose to have relationships with one another” but are forced into familial bonds as “unintended consequences” of their children’s romantic relationships.
While both men and women reported conflicts with their mothers-in-law, mothers reported slightly less conflict with their daughter’s (17%) than their son’s spouses (18%).
This finding aligns with “prevailing folk knowledge” and much of popular culture which often “suggests that the mother and daughter-in-law relationship may be especially fraught with conflict.”
Dr. Terri Apter, a psychologist from Cambridge University, analyzed the fraught relationships between wives and mothers-in-law in her book, “What Do You Want From Me?“
“The conflict often arises from an assumption that each is criticizing or undermining the other woman,” Apter wrote. “But this mutual unease may have less to do with actual attitudes and far more to do with persistent female stereotypes that few of us manage to shake off complete.”
“Both the mother and the wife are struggling to achieve the same position in the family — primary woman. Each tries to establish or protect their status. Each feels threatened by the other.”
Image credits: ThrowawayKev135
Interestingly, fathers were seen to have the opposite reaction and were found to get on better with their daughters-in-law than with their own daughters.
Researchers said that this may be due to the father’s protective instincts which are heightened when the daughter enters a new romantic relationship but could lessen over time as the father warms up to his son-in-law.
So anyway, Kev’s mother-in-law’s nagging may have actually been genetics. Or she’s a just gold digger. You be the judge.
After his story went viral, Kev provided more details in the comments
People unanimously said he was NTA — “not the a***ole”
I knew a guy who's sister in law married Ray Parker Jr. If you don't know who he is, he is a writer and singer. He's most famous for writing and singing the song for Ghost Busters. Anyway, he always asked for really expensive Christmas gifts simply because of who Mr. Parker is. I don't think he ever received what he asked for. Just because someone makes a decent wage, doesn't mean you are entitled to it.
He had a song called "The Other Woman" that I always loved, not to mention being a massive hottie! I'd be embarrassed about giving him gifts, because he can probably buy whatever he wants, whereas I can not. I wouldn't ask for anything, especially if I didn't even know him that well, but I would get him a gift.
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The wife should have told her mom, get you a man that can provide all the things you want, but my husband is mine, so paws off. To be real this sort of thing happens more than one might think. In my case it was his mother that wanted everything he gave me. It's an awful experience.
Stories like these make me glad I ain't hitched. God forbid, that's my MIL I wouldn't even get anymore tactful than a "f**k-off".
MIL started it by bringing it up. Cultural or not, she insulted SIL in front of company - of course he got upset. Why is it people don't ever get mad at the one who instigated the exchange - it's always against the one who responds.
Why is it bad for him to tell off MiL in front of everyone, but not a word about MiL telling HiM off in front of everyone?
Exactly, she yells at him in front of everyone for giving her a beautiful flower bouquet with flowers connected to his dead mother’s memory. How is that a “thoughtless” enough gift to warrant berating him in front of a large group of people? And why wouldn’t she want to see her daughter happy and thriving with a man who treats her well, why is she instead jealous enough of her daughter that she wants her SIL to treat her like she’s his wife too? It’s creepy, honestly.
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I really hate to say it but it's kinda a cultural thing. While I don't know my mom, my Tias do similar things to their son in laws. Not for the daughter's birthday or anniversary or anything but mother's day is "suppose" to be big and expensive. And they get offenses if the in law wants to go their their own mother's. I really don't understand why they are like this, I haven't seen any of them in 15 years.
understand the cultural thing but if you move to another country your cultures take a backseat to the native ones. I wouldnt expect a big 4th of july celebration in Europe certainly andd fairly sure Thanksgiving is simply another day in November for them as well.
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It's your spouse who should deal with their family -- not between "in-laws." Shame on his spouse for allowing him to be put in that position. These are not true "partners" and help-us-all... they're breeding!
NTA...but with the daughters attitude and the way MIL is acting I can foresee a bigger problem....like her moving in, especially after the baby is born
Daughter had better set some firm boundaries before she loses her husband.
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Just say all the necklace money you want is going towards YOUR future grandchildren’s college fund! Then we will know how petty she is.
Just say, "Wow! That's a beautiful necklace. Maybe one of your children wii buy it for you.".
Load More Replies... As I always say “here we are again” with the AITA. He’s 100% right and we have to talk about it? This is metaphorically the same as a 9 year old having a birthday party and people bringing a gift for the 6 year old so he doesn’t feel left out.
I usually bing the birthday kid a real gift and for the siblings some candy - since they always get a little something when I visit.
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Until your wife get her mother in check just stop buying gifts for her when the gifts stop she'll get her mother in line.
NTA: but your MIL is.And why didnt your wife shut her down when she heard al f this? Maybe you should buy them each a book on good manners.
I find it puzzling that your wife doesn't want you to "hurt" Mama's feelings, but has NO problem with MIL hurting your feelings and treating you like an ATM. You need to cut ALL communication with MIL and let your wife deal with her mother. If she's too juvenile to do that, then you may need a change. Too bad there's a baby on the way to 'muddy the waters'. Good luck.
Stories like this have me totally confused and very angry. His MIL is just that, not his mother and not his responsibility. His wife is the person who should be getting HER mother any gifts, at least choosing them and depending how that couple manages joint income, paying for them or buying something from both of them and paid for however they share common expenses without disclosure to his MIL (her mother). Same should go for HIS parents. Once the child is born they as a couple should decide how to buy the grandparents gifts. The fact that his wife seemed to be out of this picture concerns me and suggests she does not see herself as an independent adult in her own right but is still "mommy's little girl". This problem will escalate once the child is born. I have seen such problems destroy a marriage far too many times. Sometimes the male partner cannot separate from his mother and sometimes it is the female partner who cannot but in either case marriages are destroyed.
Mark my words...your MIL will become a serious problem once your baby is born. You think she's a problem now.? You need to deal with this now or you will end up in divorce court.
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Get out of the business of providing your mil with gifts. You and your wife should have an agreed upon budget for gifts and you each handle your own family. Btw, I suspect this will all blow over because you are your mil’s retirement plan. Better decide now if you are ok with her living with you.
Why does your wife let her mother do this to you? She needed to have dealt with this when it first happened. You cannot apologize bc you would have to lie. Just like a spoiled child (everyone in the family sees this & it's OK behavior?) No, it's not cultural, it's spoiled & entitled.
Your wife owes you an apology for not putting a stop to this nonsense; your mil owes you an apology for putting you in this position with her whining and greed. It is not your responsibility to provide gifts to anyone except your own family. You married into some major crazy; hope there's a signed pre-nup.
Husband not the a-hole but the MIL and the wife are. Wife needs to grow a spine and tell HER mother to back the eff off. If this continues then maybe the husband should rethink buying the wife expensive things to save himself the headache if his gold digging MIL.
I can’t imagine there are many cultures where the MIL is treated the same as the wife. I can’t imagine they’d last long.
Tell her rolling a mean old shite in glitter, its still a mean old shite.
My crazy Mother went to a “psychic”. She said a blonde woman would destroy me and capture me. 15 years of marriage and happier than ever!
His wife is the one causing the "rift" allowing her mom to act like that. She hasn't a clue what it means to be a team
Soooo, I had a mom like that. I was the *only one to stand up to her among the 3 of us. My mom did in fact believe that our boyfriends/husbands became hers by default. She MILKED that cow whenever possible. I feel bad for you. Her daughter/your wife should have stopped that in its tracks. It is not going to go well for your marriage if she doesn't. I don't suggest you make anymore open, direct, in front of family... comments to yr MIL. But you should lovingly speak to your wife, as the MIL does not care about putting a crack in or possibly breaking up her daughter's marriage. My BIL used to laugh it off when my mom came at him crazy. I used to feel like I was in a Karate match trying to block my mom. Just excuse yourself from the surrounding area, or don't attend the functions, because you alreadyyyy know***BOUNDARIES are very important for all involved. *** I wish you well...may be, #timeforcounseling (so things don't get worse.) I can tell you love your wife so very much. Good jo
NTA Your MIL only sees $ signs and is straight up a GOLD DIGGER in EVERY sense of the word. If she wasn't, she would understand and RESPECT that your WIFE comes FIRST. She is SELFISH and GREEDY to think otherwise.
From the sounds of things, the poster out up with mil's....bad trait for a while. While I agree something had to be said, saying it at a family gathering in front of everyone is sure to rub a lot of people the wrong way. Dude isn't an ahole, just fed up.....as he should be. He should apologize for his behavior, but not for what he said. He didn't sugar coat things, just gave her the truth. Truth hurts sometimes.
I'll agree with apologizing with blowing up. His wife must deal with her family. If they thought that mama should have what daughter has, then she can marry a rich man.
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I am so sorry to hear about this . Your MIL is out of line. And yoû wife is wrong for not standing Up for you. You do what you have to do. There is nothing wrong with you. You did right by speaking up. You Are A Good Man.
I kind of like Jazzmadoodle's idea. I'd tell MIL "hey, I just f****d your daughter as a mother's day gift. Wanna be treated the same?" But then I've got no shame and seriously hate entitled, narcissistic people like these.
What about his feelings? He put all that time and effort in to a thoughtful gift because contrary to popular belief he isn't made of money. Mil crushed him. Why is he the only one who doesn't get to have feelings or boundaries? I feel him. My whole life was that way. I am disallowing other people to put any expectations on me anymore. None. Nobody.
Yes, but there's a white elephant in the room here--OP ducked the opportunity to nip it in the bud when he called back and "asked her about it". Seems thoughtful and kind. No question he's a nice guy. But then he said he "may not be able to get it" for her. That's a firm "maybe". Being the "nice guy" here was his undoing. We might think we are letting our kids down if we're blunt with a direct "no" to a big request, so we sometimes tell them "maybe". Can't do that with adults. Don't get me wrong, MIL is way out of line, but if he's ever indulged her demands even once, he set himself up for a showdown. It's like tipping the waitress a penny. Because no matter how lovely, time consuming, and meaningful it was on his part, in her mind, the flowers were a slap in the face. She expected a $5000 heirloom and got a $50 bouquet that would die instead. She was wrong, but nice guys finish last, as they say. He needs to learn the art of setting boundaries. An ounce of prevention...
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Who does MADAME MIL think she is? Was she pushy with joy to marry her daughter off to a wealthy man so she could USE the marriage as her supply chain for her own gain and divide you and your wife? Sure wifey isn't a gold digger too? Would she have married you were you NOT financially well off? You might not like that answer. She should be TOLD the gift horse she married isn't a free ride for her OR mommy-in-law. You're the wealthy guy most world women want to catch to rescue themselves and their whole families. You're not in a unique situation. In FAR from it. But why do you enable your WIFE to promote this selfish game? Who's the GROWNUP up there.? Are you planning kids with these TWO WOMEN? MIL sounds young. Are you an easier target bank roll than another man? YOU ARE NOT HERS!!! Tell your wife you will not provide for HER mother, you understand you may have been too blunt, but that CLEARLY her mother is unable to accept limits or DOESN'T INTEND to. Say "NO MORE" AND MEAN IT. P
This "study" is 100% certainly confirmation bias intended to validate what boomers always knew all along, that nobody can ever be responsible for anything. Give me a break. The quote "unintended consequences" of their children's relationships is perhaps one of the most appalling things I have ever had the displeasure of reading. Grown adults are EXPECTED to know, understand and incorporate into their lives that the world does not revolve around anybody. The MIL needs to grow up and knock off the gaslighting immediately. As for the family-in-law, there apparently isn't a principled one among them. They're trashy af. With respect to Evolutionary Psychological Science journal, their summary serves to disprove evolution rather than making a case for it as it pertains to extended families.
Nobody likes a meddler. I would say if MIL felt that strongly about her daughter having a necklace, why doesn't MIL pay for it?
Read it again. MIL wanted SIL to buy *her* an expensive necklace, since he could 'afford' it.
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You owe your overly dramatic and way out of line demanding MIL, nothing. If you want to assist her, be cautious and have a Frank and private conversation with your wife. And as for the necklace? Ummmm DAMN. You married into her family, you didn’t actually marry all of them. If your wife sides with you, then she needs to be vocal about it. She doesn’t need to choose, if her own mother makes further demands, or makes her choose, maybe that’s her wake up call. But you are absolutely NTA.
NTA set boundaries. If she crosses them again cut her off. If wife has problem. Cut her off. What will she want next? You sleeping with her too? Sounds harsh but hey she wants everything her daughter has, so......
If the daughter would've set (and enforced) boundaries early on, it wouldn't have gotten to this level. Maybe OP lost his cool, but everyone has a breaking point. This MIL isn't just asking for expensive gifts (equal to gifts he gives his wife,) she's ordering, demanding and expecting them. MIL is the AH for doing those things and blaming OP for calling MIL on her BS.
Nta, but just curious, would you be upset if your wife bought an expensive gift for her mom using the money from marriage accounts? Or is she expected to only use the money she earns for gift buying?
Me and my in-laws the whole family were like bad. Where they all hated me for one reason only. Because I personally refuse to have 100% control over my husband. I wouldn't make him do anything that he didn't want them to do. But now that he is in the hospital. His family has come to see him and help me out with the kids but I am just waiting to see how long till they give up on that too.
The MIL is seriously weird but he didn’t help himself (and is the part that seals it as made up in my mind). He knew she wanted and expected (as he made noncommittal noises about it) this expensive thing so he picked her free flowers and went on about how much time and effort he put into it? Come off it. No, he shouldn’t have bought her the necklace, obviously, but he knew she wouldn’t find flowers a nice gift and it would cause upset. There’s a lot of scope between ridiculously expensive necklace and free flowers from his dead mum’s garden.
This entire story is an issue of BOUNDARIES. Bottom line: Don't let people (especially family) cross your boundaries or even push them a little... Bc if you do, you are sending a message that you will let them cross your boundaries in the future... And they will always keep pushing! I went through this... its SO important to learn. Be firm. Not mean, just firm, with a smile. Once people learn you won't be pushed past a "no", they eventually stop trying.
My husband makes double or more than double what my dad makes. My dad never buys my mom anything. My older sister lives at home doesn’t and pay rent or childcare to my mom. My brother just bought a house this year and never buys my mom anything. My little sister just started college and has never worked… Mom’s birthday was the day before Mother’s Day this year. This is the first time I asked her what she wanted, she said new couches. We got her flowers. I know it sucks that half her kids and husband ignores her… but since I’ve been married, I’ve done all her awesome themed birthday parties and no one pitches$ in…. We have 4 kids, rent is too high, and just one income. If this wife is in the same boat, she should not have let it get this far. I said no to my mom. I’m sure she could have too. My husband’s money is to provide for our family, not others. If it were his mom, then I don’t have a say (But she never asks for anything). If my siblings pitched in, we’d be happy to.
You and your wife need to go to counseling. She needs to see the issue from your point of view. She needs to get some backbone. She probably does what is necessary to keep her mother from going off on her. Sounds like is afraid of her temper
MIL insults the gift you did give her. Nobody bats an eye. You call her on it and they call you rude? Do they think you don't have valid feelings that can be insulted also? MIL should apologize to you first.
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This is the most ridiculous insane thing I have read today! There isn't a mother in law on the planet that expects to be treated the same way as the child/spouse, except possibly this woman. If his wife is backing him, then they will have to set some significantly stronger boundaries or this marriage is going to tank due to the mother in law's interference and absolute nonsense. The mother in law going to the son in law behind her daughter's back says it all.
Well, I dunno. I thought children bought their mothers Mothers Day presents. NOT husbands. Now I KNOW that Mothers Day is just a marketing strategy to sell more useless stuff, but REALLY!! And yes your wife SHOULD have bought her mother a present or treat for the day. On he other hand I REALLY suspect that this is just a made up story to fill these pages.
WOW! I don't even know how to reposnd to that. Does the MIL know how giving someone a gift work?
Do not apologize to your MIL. She thinks because you married her daughter that gives her access to your money. Your wife needs to put her mother in her place. She should have been standing up for you. You were not in the wrong. You were honest. Big difference. The only apology that needs to be issued here is to you.
He is in no way obligated to buy the greedy baby mil anything anytime. That is usually the wife woh handle’s the gift buying and only on special occasions such as holidays if agreed upon. Let her have a toddler tantrum, she’ll get over it, if not just keep your distance if you wish to keep your marriage.
A very wacky story indeed ..you need to shut loser white trash whorey wierd greedy pos MIL down for good .tell her don't ask for s**t period If wife sides with that loser file for divorce ..this is bizarre af
Seeing a strange premonition here: my husband's sister is marrying someone wealthy. My useless father-in-law already has no problem asking either of his sons for money. Set your boundaries dude. I don't know how much the necklace was or why she wanted it so badly but to me, jewelry is a useless gift. You took time and effort to cut flowers and arrange them nicely. She chose to start drama, you just responded and nothing you said would have helped unless you promised to get her the jewelry. The fact that she expects you to buy her things just because you treat your wife is astonishing. And your wife was insulted, mother's to be are allowed to celebrate mother's day, she has a baby inside her, she's a mom. MIL wants gifts? Tell her to bother her other kids.
This is honestly just creepy. MIL wants the man her DAUGHTER married to treat MIL like she’s also his wife? Does she want to be sister wives with her own daughter? MIL’s unbridled jealousy needs to be checked ASAP before the baby arrives and she moves in with them and demands gifts for each of the child’s milestones.
You were "out of line" for the way you spoke to your MIL; what about how SHE spoke to YOU?!? Both women need to apologise to you.
Of course this guy is not the A-hole, but it definitely could have been handled better. We don't know the values this mil was brought up with. In her family gifts to the mil may be expected and the nature of those gifts may speak volumes. Me I'd much more appropriate the flowers and a necklace would make me uncomfortable, but families are different. For the sake of peace I believe this guy should have swallowed his pride and had a meaningful Convo in private.
This sounds like the MIL playing the victim card, his wife told him he overreacted so she should stood up for him just said it more gently or something like their married! Also it is ridiculous that she only wanted the necklace and he went through all that to get the flowers bought a nice vase for them and even told the MIL about everything he did to get those, even if the wife didn't want to lose her relationship with her mom, if they're really that close it wouldn't have made much of a difference, the wife should've at least talked to her mom privately and told her that it was a perfectly nice gift and that she was his wife and that maybe he didn't want to spend another large amount of money after just buying that necklace for his wife??? And the furniture part is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous like, he bought that for him and his wife, like MIL calm down
I would apologize for the tone, but not for the content. It's still a firm NO.
Considering the MIL is a widow from Venezuela, I think there is/was a level of cultural expectation that she be brought into her married daughter's household and be taken care of. At minimum, there is likely the expectation that the daughter give mom some money (sending money "home" to take care of family is a super common thing). Neither of those things happened. MIL doesn't live with them, and daughter and husband don't send her living expense money. She might be using these "hints" for gifts and things as a way to promote them to fill this obligation. The other thing which may be at play is the expectation that, since the poster has no mother, that MIL step in and be accepted in that role.
The husband is a simp idiot. It's clear to everyone from this one post but MARRIED her. Have fun divorcing and haaving all your stuff taken by her, muh patriarchy. Like mother like daughter. Of course she has a low paying job but "is happy with it' because she found her personal ATM. Can you guess whether she pays half the bills?? A poor family will raise a daughter that focuses on what they lacked. A rich family doesn't have to worry about money. But to think that this idiot says "every time the mother in law.." you mean you tolerated this gold digger more than once? And what kind of gifts did those two women give to you? Oh let me guess, the "you earn more money" argument. Why not quit your job, do something that YOU like and let the woman struggle to find a well paying job then give you expensive gifts then you moan "how dare you give me some crappy Flowers ". Muh patriarchy. Feminists never talk about these kind of stories, they love their privileges
These AITA's are starting to get boring. My brother-in-law killed my cat and cooked it to feed his dog. AITA for reporting him to the police? My mother-in-law beat up my three-year-old son when she had to watch him. AITA for forbidding him to visit her? At some point, they are no longer AITA' s: there's no real discussion of borderline behavior anymore, just a search for public consent after doing what everyone else would have done.
No. My husband died when he was 33 years old. We didn't have any children. I felt sad and lonely. Sometimes that is your burden to bear. When is my special day? MIL is greedy. Did she love her husband and have children that she loved? Then she has been fortunate. BTW, so have I been. I was a youth widow, but I knew a man I loved and who loved me. How much luckier could you get?
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Wrong wrong wrong...Trump paid for his grades and test scores.He admits to hate reading and his speech sound like a middle school dropout at best. Rich does not mean well educated. I BIGLY hope you not take this personally
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Nope. Splurge is for a special birthday or event. She demanded equal gifts for her that her daughter received. That is both vulgar and extremely greedy.
Load More Replies... if the mil was in need of money, surely it would be more beneficial to help pay for groceries or bills. she isn't a family member in need. she isn't looking for financial support. she just wants her daughter's rich husband to spoil her with jewelry & fancy furniture even though they're nowhere near bonded enough for expensive elaborate gifts, especially on occasions where a mil wouldn't normally expect a gift (her DAUGHTER'S birthday). she's just a selfish greedy gold-digger. at no point before the confrontation does the wife ask her husband to help her buy something for her mother for mother's day; the mil straight-up asks her daughter's husband, who she had no role in raising, to buy her an expensive necklace for mother's day. op is 100% nta.
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They laid it out pretty simply, I just don’t think you want to accept it.
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I knew a guy who's sister in law married Ray Parker Jr. If you don't know who he is, he is a writer and singer. He's most famous for writing and singing the song for Ghost Busters. Anyway, he always asked for really expensive Christmas gifts simply because of who Mr. Parker is. I don't think he ever received what he asked for. Just because someone makes a decent wage, doesn't mean you are entitled to it.
He had a song called "The Other Woman" that I always loved, not to mention being a massive hottie! I'd be embarrassed about giving him gifts, because he can probably buy whatever he wants, whereas I can not. I wouldn't ask for anything, especially if I didn't even know him that well, but I would get him a gift.
Load More Replies... The wife should have told her mom, get you a man that can provide all the things you want, but my husband is mine, so paws off. To be real this sort of thing happens more than one might think. In my case it was his mother that wanted everything he gave me. It's an awful experience.
Stories like these make me glad I ain't hitched. God forbid, that's my MIL I wouldn't even get anymore tactful than a "f**k-off".
MIL started it by bringing it up. Cultural or not, she insulted SIL in front of company - of course he got upset. Why is it people don't ever get mad at the one who instigated the exchange - it's always against the one who responds.
Why is it bad for him to tell off MiL in front of everyone, but not a word about MiL telling HiM off in front of everyone?
Exactly, she yells at him in front of everyone for giving her a beautiful flower bouquet with flowers connected to his dead mother’s memory. How is that a “thoughtless” enough gift to warrant berating him in front of a large group of people? And why wouldn’t she want to see her daughter happy and thriving with a man who treats her well, why is she instead jealous enough of her daughter that she wants her SIL to treat her like she’s his wife too? It’s creepy, honestly.
Load More Replies... I really hate to say it but it's kinda a cultural thing. While I don't know my mom, my Tias do similar things to their son in laws. Not for the daughter's birthday or anniversary or anything but mother's day is "suppose" to be big and expensive. And they get offenses if the in law wants to go their their own mother's. I really don't understand why they are like this, I haven't seen any of them in 15 years.
understand the cultural thing but if you move to another country your cultures take a backseat to the native ones. I wouldnt expect a big 4th of july celebration in Europe certainly andd fairly sure Thanksgiving is simply another day in November for them as well.
Load More Replies... It's your spouse who should deal with their family -- not between "in-laws." Shame on his spouse for allowing him to be put in that position. These are not true "partners" and help-us-all... they're breeding!
NTA...but with the daughters attitude and the way MIL is acting I can foresee a bigger problem....like her moving in, especially after the baby is born
Daughter had better set some firm boundaries before she loses her husband.
Load More Replies... Just say all the necklace money you want is going towards YOUR future grandchildren’s college fund! Then we will know how petty she is.
Just say, "Wow! That's a beautiful necklace. Maybe one of your children wii buy it for you.".
Load More Replies... As I always say “here we are again” with the AITA. He’s 100% right and we have to talk about it? This is metaphorically the same as a 9 year old having a birthday party and people bringing a gift for the 6 year old so he doesn’t feel left out.
I usually bing the birthday kid a real gift and for the siblings some candy - since they always get a little something when I visit.
Load More Replies... Until your wife get her mother in check just stop buying gifts for her when the gifts stop she'll get her mother in line.
NTA: but your MIL is.And why didnt your wife shut her down when she heard al f this? Maybe you should buy them each a book on good manners.
I find it puzzling that your wife doesn't want you to "hurt" Mama's feelings, but has NO problem with MIL hurting your feelings and treating you like an ATM. You need to cut ALL communication with MIL and let your wife deal with her mother. If she's too juvenile to do that, then you may need a change. Too bad there's a baby on the way to 'muddy the waters'. Good luck.
Stories like this have me totally confused and very angry. His MIL is just that, not his mother and not his responsibility. His wife is the person who should be getting HER mother any gifts, at least choosing them and depending how that couple manages joint income, paying for them or buying something from both of them and paid for however they share common expenses without disclosure to his MIL (her mother). Same should go for HIS parents. Once the child is born they as a couple should decide how to buy the grandparents gifts. The fact that his wife seemed to be out of this picture concerns me and suggests she does not see herself as an independent adult in her own right but is still "mommy's little girl". This problem will escalate once the child is born. I have seen such problems destroy a marriage far too many times. Sometimes the male partner cannot separate from his mother and sometimes it is the female partner who cannot but in either case marriages are destroyed.
Mark my words...your MIL will become a serious problem once your baby is born. You think she's a problem now.? You need to deal with this now or you will end up in divorce court.
Load More Replies... Get out of the business of providing your mil with gifts. You and your wife should have an agreed upon budget for gifts and you each handle your own family. Btw, I suspect this will all blow over because you are your mil’s retirement plan. Better decide now if you are ok with her living with you.
Why does your wife let her mother do this to you? She needed to have dealt with this when it first happened. You cannot apologize bc you would have to lie. Just like a spoiled child (everyone in the family sees this & it's OK behavior?) No, it's not cultural, it's spoiled & entitled.
Your wife owes you an apology for not putting a stop to this nonsense; your mil owes you an apology for putting you in this position with her whining and greed. It is not your responsibility to provide gifts to anyone except your own family. You married into some major crazy; hope there's a signed pre-nup.
Husband not the a-hole but the MIL and the wife are. Wife needs to grow a spine and tell HER mother to back the eff off. If this continues then maybe the husband should rethink buying the wife expensive things to save himself the headache if his gold digging MIL.
I can’t imagine there are many cultures where the MIL is treated the same as the wife. I can’t imagine they’d last long.
Tell her rolling a mean old shite in glitter, its still a mean old shite.
My crazy Mother went to a “psychic”. She said a blonde woman would destroy me and capture me. 15 years of marriage and happier than ever!
His wife is the one causing the "rift" allowing her mom to act like that. She hasn't a clue what it means to be a team
Soooo, I had a mom like that. I was the *only one to stand up to her among the 3 of us. My mom did in fact believe that our boyfriends/husbands became hers by default. She MILKED that cow whenever possible. I feel bad for you. Her daughter/your wife should have stopped that in its tracks. It is not going to go well for your marriage if she doesn't. I don't suggest you make anymore open, direct, in front of family... comments to yr MIL. But you should lovingly speak to your wife, as the MIL does not care about putting a crack in or possibly breaking up her daughter's marriage. My BIL used to laugh it off when my mom came at him crazy. I used to feel like I was in a Karate match trying to block my mom. Just excuse yourself from the surrounding area, or don't attend the functions, because you alreadyyyy know***BOUNDARIES are very important for all involved. *** I wish you well...may be, #timeforcounseling (so things don't get worse.) I can tell you love your wife so very much. Good jo
NTA Your MIL only sees $ signs and is straight up a GOLD DIGGER in EVERY sense of the word. If she wasn't, she would understand and RESPECT that your WIFE comes FIRST. She is SELFISH and GREEDY to think otherwise.
From the sounds of things, the poster out up with mil's....bad trait for a while. While I agree something had to be said, saying it at a family gathering in front of everyone is sure to rub a lot of people the wrong way. Dude isn't an ahole, just fed up.....as he should be. He should apologize for his behavior, but not for what he said. He didn't sugar coat things, just gave her the truth. Truth hurts sometimes.
I'll agree with apologizing with blowing up. His wife must deal with her family. If they thought that mama should have what daughter has, then she can marry a rich man.
Load More Replies... I am so sorry to hear about this . Your MIL is out of line. And yoû wife is wrong for not standing Up for you. You do what you have to do. There is nothing wrong with you. You did right by speaking up. You Are A Good Man.
I kind of like Jazzmadoodle's idea. I'd tell MIL "hey, I just f****d your daughter as a mother's day gift. Wanna be treated the same?" But then I've got no shame and seriously hate entitled, narcissistic people like these.
What about his feelings? He put all that time and effort in to a thoughtful gift because contrary to popular belief he isn't made of money. Mil crushed him. Why is he the only one who doesn't get to have feelings or boundaries? I feel him. My whole life was that way. I am disallowing other people to put any expectations on me anymore. None. Nobody.
Yes, but there's a white elephant in the room here--OP ducked the opportunity to nip it in the bud when he called back and "asked her about it". Seems thoughtful and kind. No question he's a nice guy. But then he said he "may not be able to get it" for her. That's a firm "maybe". Being the "nice guy" here was his undoing. We might think we are letting our kids down if we're blunt with a direct "no" to a big request, so we sometimes tell them "maybe". Can't do that with adults. Don't get me wrong, MIL is way out of line, but if he's ever indulged her demands even once, he set himself up for a showdown. It's like tipping the waitress a penny. Because no matter how lovely, time consuming, and meaningful it was on his part, in her mind, the flowers were a slap in the face. She expected a $5000 heirloom and got a $50 bouquet that would die instead. She was wrong, but nice guys finish last, as they say. He needs to learn the art of setting boundaries. An ounce of prevention...
Load More Replies... Who does MADAME MIL think she is? Was she pushy with joy to marry her daughter off to a wealthy man so she could USE the marriage as her supply chain for her own gain and divide you and your wife? Sure wifey isn't a gold digger too? Would she have married you were you NOT financially well off? You might not like that answer. She should be TOLD the gift horse she married isn't a free ride for her OR mommy-in-law. You're the wealthy guy most world women want to catch to rescue themselves and their whole families. You're not in a unique situation. In FAR from it. But why do you enable your WIFE to promote this selfish game? Who's the GROWNUP up there.? Are you planning kids with these TWO WOMEN? MIL sounds young. Are you an easier target bank roll than another man? YOU ARE NOT HERS!!! Tell your wife you will not provide for HER mother, you understand you may have been too blunt, but that CLEARLY her mother is unable to accept limits or DOESN'T INTEND to. Say "NO MORE" AND MEAN IT. P
This "study" is 100% certainly confirmation bias intended to validate what boomers always knew all along, that nobody can ever be responsible for anything. Give me a break. The quote "unintended consequences" of their children's relationships is perhaps one of the most appalling things I have ever had the displeasure of reading. Grown adults are EXPECTED to know, understand and incorporate into their lives that the world does not revolve around anybody. The MIL needs to grow up and knock off the gaslighting immediately. As for the family-in-law, there apparently isn't a principled one among them. They're trashy af. With respect to Evolutionary Psychological Science journal, their summary serves to disprove evolution rather than making a case for it as it pertains to extended families.
Nobody likes a meddler. I would say if MIL felt that strongly about her daughter having a necklace, why doesn't MIL pay for it?
Read it again. MIL wanted SIL to buy *her* an expensive necklace, since he could 'afford' it.
Load More Replies... You owe your overly dramatic and way out of line demanding MIL, nothing. If you want to assist her, be cautious and have a Frank and private conversation with your wife. And as for the necklace? Ummmm DAMN. You married into her family, you didn’t actually marry all of them. If your wife sides with you, then she needs to be vocal about it. She doesn’t need to choose, if her own mother makes further demands, or makes her choose, maybe that’s her wake up call. But you are absolutely NTA.
NTA set boundaries. If she crosses them again cut her off. If wife has problem. Cut her off. What will she want next? You sleeping with her too? Sounds harsh but hey she wants everything her daughter has, so......
If the daughter would've set (and enforced) boundaries early on, it wouldn't have gotten to this level. Maybe OP lost his cool, but everyone has a breaking point. This MIL isn't just asking for expensive gifts (equal to gifts he gives his wife,) she's ordering, demanding and expecting them. MIL is the AH for doing those things and blaming OP for calling MIL on her BS.
Nta, but just curious, would you be upset if your wife bought an expensive gift for her mom using the money from marriage accounts? Or is she expected to only use the money she earns for gift buying?
Me and my in-laws the whole family were like bad. Where they all hated me for one reason only. Because I personally refuse to have 100% control over my husband. I wouldn't make him do anything that he didn't want them to do. But now that he is in the hospital. His family has come to see him and help me out with the kids but I am just waiting to see how long till they give up on that too.
The MIL is seriously weird but he didn’t help himself (and is the part that seals it as made up in my mind). He knew she wanted and expected (as he made noncommittal noises about it) this expensive thing so he picked her free flowers and went on about how much time and effort he put into it? Come off it. No, he shouldn’t have bought her the necklace, obviously, but he knew she wouldn’t find flowers a nice gift and it would cause upset. There’s a lot of scope between ridiculously expensive necklace and free flowers from his dead mum’s garden.
This entire story is an issue of BOUNDARIES. Bottom line: Don't let people (especially family) cross your boundaries or even push them a little... Bc if you do, you are sending a message that you will let them cross your boundaries in the future... And they will always keep pushing! I went through this... its SO important to learn. Be firm. Not mean, just firm, with a smile. Once people learn you won't be pushed past a "no", they eventually stop trying.
My husband makes double or more than double what my dad makes. My dad never buys my mom anything. My older sister lives at home doesn’t and pay rent or childcare to my mom. My brother just bought a house this year and never buys my mom anything. My little sister just started college and has never worked… Mom’s birthday was the day before Mother’s Day this year. This is the first time I asked her what she wanted, she said new couches. We got her flowers. I know it sucks that half her kids and husband ignores her… but since I’ve been married, I’ve done all her awesome themed birthday parties and no one pitches$ in…. We have 4 kids, rent is too high, and just one income. If this wife is in the same boat, she should not have let it get this far. I said no to my mom. I’m sure she could have too. My husband’s money is to provide for our family, not others. If it were his mom, then I don’t have a say (But she never asks for anything). If my siblings pitched in, we’d be happy to.
You and your wife need to go to counseling. She needs to see the issue from your point of view. She needs to get some backbone. She probably does what is necessary to keep her mother from going off on her. Sounds like is afraid of her temper
MIL insults the gift you did give her. Nobody bats an eye. You call her on it and they call you rude? Do they think you don't have valid feelings that can be insulted also? MIL should apologize to you first.
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This is the most ridiculous insane thing I have read today! There isn't a mother in law on the planet that expects to be treated the same way as the child/spouse, except possibly this woman. If his wife is backing him, then they will have to set some significantly stronger boundaries or this marriage is going to tank due to the mother in law's interference and absolute nonsense. The mother in law going to the son in law behind her daughter's back says it all.
Well, I dunno. I thought children bought their mothers Mothers Day presents. NOT husbands. Now I KNOW that Mothers Day is just a marketing strategy to sell more useless stuff, but REALLY!! And yes your wife SHOULD have bought her mother a present or treat for the day. On he other hand I REALLY suspect that this is just a made up story to fill these pages.
WOW! I don't even know how to reposnd to that. Does the MIL know how giving someone a gift work?
Do not apologize to your MIL. She thinks because you married her daughter that gives her access to your money. Your wife needs to put her mother in her place. She should have been standing up for you. You were not in the wrong. You were honest. Big difference. The only apology that needs to be issued here is to you.
He is in no way obligated to buy the greedy baby mil anything anytime. That is usually the wife woh handle’s the gift buying and only on special occasions such as holidays if agreed upon. Let her have a toddler tantrum, she’ll get over it, if not just keep your distance if you wish to keep your marriage.
A very wacky story indeed ..you need to shut loser white trash whorey wierd greedy pos MIL down for good .tell her don't ask for s**t period If wife sides with that loser file for divorce ..this is bizarre af
Seeing a strange premonition here: my husband's sister is marrying someone wealthy. My useless father-in-law already has no problem asking either of his sons for money. Set your boundaries dude. I don't know how much the necklace was or why she wanted it so badly but to me, jewelry is a useless gift. You took time and effort to cut flowers and arrange them nicely. She chose to start drama, you just responded and nothing you said would have helped unless you promised to get her the jewelry. The fact that she expects you to buy her things just because you treat your wife is astonishing. And your wife was insulted, mother's to be are allowed to celebrate mother's day, she has a baby inside her, she's a mom. MIL wants gifts? Tell her to bother her other kids.
This is honestly just creepy. MIL wants the man her DAUGHTER married to treat MIL like she’s also his wife? Does she want to be sister wives with her own daughter? MIL’s unbridled jealousy needs to be checked ASAP before the baby arrives and she moves in with them and demands gifts for each of the child’s milestones.
You were "out of line" for the way you spoke to your MIL; what about how SHE spoke to YOU?!? Both women need to apologise to you.
Of course this guy is not the A-hole, but it definitely could have been handled better. We don't know the values this mil was brought up with. In her family gifts to the mil may be expected and the nature of those gifts may speak volumes. Me I'd much more appropriate the flowers and a necklace would make me uncomfortable, but families are different. For the sake of peace I believe this guy should have swallowed his pride and had a meaningful Convo in private.
This sounds like the MIL playing the victim card, his wife told him he overreacted so she should stood up for him just said it more gently or something like their married! Also it is ridiculous that she only wanted the necklace and he went through all that to get the flowers bought a nice vase for them and even told the MIL about everything he did to get those, even if the wife didn't want to lose her relationship with her mom, if they're really that close it wouldn't have made much of a difference, the wife should've at least talked to her mom privately and told her that it was a perfectly nice gift and that she was his wife and that maybe he didn't want to spend another large amount of money after just buying that necklace for his wife??? And the furniture part is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous like, he bought that for him and his wife, like MIL calm down
I would apologize for the tone, but not for the content. It's still a firm NO.
Considering the MIL is a widow from Venezuela, I think there is/was a level of cultural expectation that she be brought into her married daughter's household and be taken care of. At minimum, there is likely the expectation that the daughter give mom some money (sending money "home" to take care of family is a super common thing). Neither of those things happened. MIL doesn't live with them, and daughter and husband don't send her living expense money. She might be using these "hints" for gifts and things as a way to promote them to fill this obligation. The other thing which may be at play is the expectation that, since the poster has no mother, that MIL step in and be accepted in that role.
The husband is a simp idiot. It's clear to everyone from this one post but MARRIED her. Have fun divorcing and haaving all your stuff taken by her, muh patriarchy. Like mother like daughter. Of course she has a low paying job but "is happy with it' because she found her personal ATM. Can you guess whether she pays half the bills?? A poor family will raise a daughter that focuses on what they lacked. A rich family doesn't have to worry about money. But to think that this idiot says "every time the mother in law.." you mean you tolerated this gold digger more than once? And what kind of gifts did those two women give to you? Oh let me guess, the "you earn more money" argument. Why not quit your job, do something that YOU like and let the woman struggle to find a well paying job then give you expensive gifts then you moan "how dare you give me some crappy Flowers ". Muh patriarchy. Feminists never talk about these kind of stories, they love their privileges
These AITA's are starting to get boring. My brother-in-law killed my cat and cooked it to feed his dog. AITA for reporting him to the police? My mother-in-law beat up my three-year-old son when she had to watch him. AITA for forbidding him to visit her? At some point, they are no longer AITA' s: there's no real discussion of borderline behavior anymore, just a search for public consent after doing what everyone else would have done.
No. My husband died when he was 33 years old. We didn't have any children. I felt sad and lonely. Sometimes that is your burden to bear. When is my special day? MIL is greedy. Did she love her husband and have children that she loved? Then she has been fortunate. BTW, so have I been. I was a youth widow, but I knew a man I loved and who loved me. How much luckier could you get?
Load More Replies... Wrong wrong wrong...Trump paid for his grades and test scores.He admits to hate reading and his speech sound like a middle school dropout at best. Rich does not mean well educated. I BIGLY hope you not take this personally
Load More Replies... Nope. Splurge is for a special birthday or event. She demanded equal gifts for her that her daughter received. That is both vulgar and extremely greedy.
Load More Replies... if the mil was in need of money, surely it would be more beneficial to help pay for groceries or bills. she isn't a family member in need. she isn't looking for financial support. she just wants her daughter's rich husband to spoil her with jewelry & fancy furniture even though they're nowhere near bonded enough for expensive elaborate gifts, especially on occasions where a mil wouldn't normally expect a gift (her DAUGHTER'S birthday). she's just a selfish greedy gold-digger. at no point before the confrontation does the wife ask her husband to help her buy something for her mother for mother's day; the mil straight-up asks her daughter's husband, who she had no role in raising, to buy her an expensive necklace for mother's day. op is 100% nta.
Load More Replies... They laid it out pretty simply, I just don’t think you want to accept it.
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