Woman Asks If She Was Wrong To Make Boyfriend’s Mom Cry After She Gave Her Son A Paternity Gift
Pregnancy is riddled with both fear and excitement for any soon-to-be parent. The latter part, however, often turns into panic a few weeks before you welcome the little one into this world — when you start counting all the things you haven’t yet prepared for. One thing that makes you feel more at ease is knowing your partner will be there for you and help you navigate this profound transition. But as one woman learned, that doesn’t always seem to be the case.
Redditor Similar-Put1285 recently detailed in a post on the ‘AITA’ subreddit that her boyfriend took 3 weeks off work to spend his paternity leave by her side. Being 37 weeks pregnant, the woman expected him to stay with her so they could both “adjust to being parents to a newborn”. Unfortunately, her boyfriend’s mother had a different idea.
The lady believed there was a better way to spend this time than being present in his child’s life — booking an actual vacation and jetting him off to Italy. As you can suspect, this didn’t sit well with the user. Scroll down to read the story in full, as well as to see how the community reacted. Then decide for yourself whether the woman was in the wrong, and be sure to let us know what you think in the comments.
A woman recently opened up about an argument with her boyfriend’s mother after she treated her son’s parental leave like a vacation
Image credits: Sarah Chai (not the actual photo)
Unsure of what to think of this situation, she asked the AITA community for perspective
Image credits: Meruyert Gonullu (not the actual photo)
After reading the story, community members expressed overwhelming support for the woman and voiced concerns about her family dynamics. Most deemed that the mother and her son, for that matter, are in the wrong in this situation. The post deeply resonated with users, and it’s easy to see why. After all, having difficult relationships with your in-laws or your boyfriend’s mom, in this case, is nothing new.
To gain some insight on the topic, we reached out to a narcissism hacker and relationship coach Dr. Nathalie Martinek. According to her, there may be many reasons why getting along with your partner’s parents can seem like a tricky task. “Often, the partner is seen as an inadequate match for their son or daughter due to their personality, their profession, education level, upbringing or culture,” she told Bored Panda.
It can be especially challenging for women when their mother-in-law sees them as a competitor for their attention. “A mother-in-law, who is possessive over her son, feels insecure about her son’s degree of loyalty and wants to be the most important woman in her son’s life by continually having an influence over his feelings and choices.”
Once the son creates a relationship, his mother may seek to control his decisions “using emotional manipulation tactics to keep her son close and dependent on his mother’s approval, because he still needs this to feel secure and stable.” Unfortunately, men are often oblivious to their mother’s attempts to drive a wedge between the couple, Dr. Martinek argued. “Ultimately, this mother-in-law will continue to try to ruin the relationship until she can restore the parent-child dynamic she once had with her son.”
Interestingly, the mother may not even realize she’s behaving this way, and the boyfriend may have difficulties acknowledging these harmful patterns, even if his partner who notices them points them out.
“It’s likely that his mother always tells him what a wonderful man he is and that his girlfriend is so lucky to have him,” Dr. Martinek added. “Therefore, she can easily convince him that he’s going to be one who will do all the work in the relationship once the baby arrives (because his partner isn’t that great) and that he deserves this holiday. This relationship is doomed unless the son can see what’s happening.”
We also got in touch with a transformational relationship coach Eileen Head, who explained these dynamics of mother-son relationships are set up from childhood. When the mother booked the vacation — the man felt the need to comply. “There may be a pattern established in the relationship of the woman and boyfriend that mother comes first even before the pregnancy,” she said. Otherwise, the son would not have even entertained the idea of going on the ‘paternity vacation’. “Who has even heard of such a thing!”
Head said one reason the mother came up with this idea may be because she fears losing her son and being replaced. “The son does not want to disappoint his mother, so he goes. This is a man who has not learned to speak up and claim his manhood, that he now has responsibilities to his girlfriend and new baby first and especially at a critical time such as this,” she said.
Moreover, there seems to be a lack of boundaries between the pregnant woman and her boyfriend, Head noted. “She may not have been able to speak up before or her wishes are overshadowed by a very dominant mother,” she said. “The message to the woman, consciously or unconsciously, is that ‘I cannot trust my boyfriend to be here when I need him’. ‘I cannot trust that he will put my family first’, and an unhealthy pattern is set up if she accepts these dynamics now.”
“She will feel resentment and feelings of abandonment at this time as well as a lack of support. The son must realize that he might not even be there for the birth if the baby comes early! ‘Not showing up’ for her is the underlying message,” Head said, adding that this will likely become a recurring pattern that will cause issues in the future.
The user later joined the discussion in the comments to clarify some details
Dr. Martinek agreed that this relationship seems in trouble as the man shouldn’t see his leave as a means to “help” his pregnant girlfriend. In a healthy relationship, it should be an equal responsibility. “He sees his role differently and has allowed his mother to convince him to abandon her at the final stages of preparing for the birth of their baby, which can be the most difficult and uncomfortable time for the mother.”
The vacation creates a risk of missing the birth of his baby and failing to offer support to his girlfriend if any problems arise. “Overall, she will be feeling emotions related to the impending birth and resentment, hurt, confusion, betrayal and other feelings because of her partner’s choice to leave at this time. This betrayal hurts the trust in the relationship that doesn’t disappear when he gets back. He will need to work hard to repair the betrayal through his actions, not just promises to be a better partner,” Dr. Martinek explained.
If you can relate to this situation in any way, Dr. Martinek shared some suggestions on how to handle parents who meddle in the relationship. If you feel your in-laws are threatened by you and have a strong influence over your partner, the best way to handle them is by remaining friendly and warm.
“If the mother-in-law offers advice about how to cook a meal or parenting, a warm and friendly response is to simply thank her for her thoughtfulness, even if the daughter-in-law disagrees. She doesn’t need to share her own opinion or knowledge about the topic because the mother-in-law needs to feel superior to feel secure around the daughter-in-law,” she explained.
“Letting parents believe they got their way without actually taking their advice can bring relief to the couple, at least until the next time the parents attempt to influence the couple’s decisions.” The only real possibility for change when it comes to difficult in-laws, however, is for your partner to take action, stand up to their parents, and prevent them from interfering in your relationship in the future.
“Relationships are hard enough between two people without the interference of parents or anyone else. While some parents want their children to believe that meddling or offers of advice means they care, it can often mean that the parents haven’t been able to let go of their adult child,” Dr. Martinek said and added this will prevent the child to reach their full maturation potential.
“It will also prevent the relationship they have with their partner to flourish because they will always be stuck pleasing their parent and re-enacting a parent-child pattern in the adult child’s own relationship with their partner, and won’t be able to focus or cultivate a healthy and mature relationship with their partner,” she concluded.
And this is what Redditors thought of this whole story
193Kviews
Share on FacebookI wonder what the BF's job would think/do if they knew he was using his "paternity leave" to go on an all-expenses paid vacation out of the country while he's supposed to be home caring for his newborn child. Men have been fighting for the right to be given equal rights to paternity leave for years, if not decades, and so many still don't have the opportunity. If using that time to NOT stay home to take care of your kid but instead going on a solo "dream vacation" isn't abusing the system, I don't know what is.
But its not ruining her experience as a first time mother, panicking because now she has to keep a whole helpless human being alive and probably while she suffers from post partum depression. If anyone need a vacation after a birth its the mother. Is he really gonna say "i left my physically wounded wife and newborn to go on vacation" and expect anyone to have any respect for him
Was just coming here to say this. Recovery after childbirth is no joke, and even single parents need massive amounts of help.
Load More Replies...It can but it is going to take the bf standing up to his mom. Establishing and enforcing boundaries. It isn't easy and he is going to have to do that for any long term relationship
Load More Replies...I know this is a cultural thing, but damn. We need men who are becoming fathers to STEP UP and actually BE a father, ffs! Your contribution does not end when the sperm fertilizes the egg, raising a child is NOT "woman's work", it is PARENT'S work! And those first many weeks directly following birth are the most physically, mentally and emotionally draining, especially for the woman. Sending him on a vacation...fml.
I would rather refer to it as "un-cultural thing". :)
Load More Replies...When my wife was hospitalised (upto and including birth) for 2 weeks, I never left her side. I slept in the hospital canteen every night (I was even robbed). I spent EVERY waking hour with my wife and precious daughter. The nurses allowed me to stay even when visiting times finished.
"Breastfeeding is low class" while I do get the sentiment, seeing the time period, this is the most stupid reason to avoid breastfeeding!
I don't get the sentiment. It's purely cultural, and in our modern culture, breastfeeding is high class because it means mom doesn't have to work. She can stay home with the baby. Which as I'm saying that makes me hear how dystopian that all is, but it's been proven breastfeeding is healthier for the baby, helps mom rid the extra weight, and if someone wants to do it, they should be allowed. I get why some don't, so no judgment, but even pumping isn't quite as healthy, since it seems they're finding now that boobies can detect bacteria in the baby's saliva and adjust antibodies in the milk accordingly.
Load More Replies...I know she's being induced but what if she has to have an emergency c-section, that's major surgery and she could be left with a tiny baby while struggling to even hold them whilst being in a whole heap of pain. The fact that the bf is saying he should at least go for a week would have me kicking him out so he can go back and live with mummy, permanently.
She was in an accident at 27 weeks, isn't his mother worried about the baby? Maybe she intends to stay in her son's place and do everything for op, that would at least make cultural sense
Load More Replies...My man got exciting offer to go for freelance job in nearby city (making money while doing what he loves). He’d have to be completely away from home for a few weeks, and it falls somewhere at the time of my labour. What he did? He directly rejected an offer without even saying at first to me. “I will never miss a birth of my child, that’s not even a discussion” his words. Yet her husband puts vacation first? (Or rather guilt that it’s already paid for?) Seriously, dude needs to rethink his priorities. No matter tradition or social pressure. What’s matter it’s what in his head and in his heart.
If he were to go, I and the infant would not be there when he returned. I'd call his place of employment also and let them know he went on vacation rather than paternity leave.
Does either the mother or her son understand the meaning of ‘paternity leave’? In many countries this is a hard fought benefit for new fathers so they can adjust to and for their new role in their families lives, helping the mother of their baby through an emotional and sometimes very difficult time. How incredibly thoughtless and selfish. I’m surprised his mother didn’t want to send him on holiday for the conception!
I agree, the mom should have asked the new mom and see if that would be OK. She seems to try to control the narrative in their relationship and thats not cool! Like what the leave is for....PATERNITY LEAVE, NOT PATERNITY VACATION! The mom sounds like she's Asian and that is a very typical Asian thing for the moms to think they know best. I'm Asian myself and trust me, this is kinda a normal thing within the family. However, this should have been a mutual decision and I wouldn't want my bf to go anywhere during the time when he should be spending time with the baby and gf. If he does this now before the baby comes or even after, then how many times will he do it for the life of the child? This is going to out a damper in their relationship. FYI, just having a child is going to change things anyhow. It always does but the mom should have anymore access stress.
They are Chinese I just read her post on reddit, the mother in law has offered to stay with her for the two weeks if her son goes
Load More Replies...Thats crazy. I just had a newborn 19 days ago and let me tell you, you will need his support/help taking care of the baby especially the first few weeks while your recovering from birth. This whole idea is stupid and your boyfriend should just reschedule his vacation for next year. Why he would even agree to leave you alone with a newborn right after your give birth is crazy. He is selfish and unrealistic and so is his mom.
What does Grandma think breasts are for? They are there so the baby can survive. The fact that men find them exciting is just a bonus.
In the past women of high society didn't breastfeed and gave their babies to be nursed by some low class women who also had recently had birth themselves (and they obviously paid them). Only rich people could do that. And during the 50's and 60's there was a huge campaign in favour of artificial feeding; women were advised by doctors to absolutely stop breastfeeding after 6 months. I don't know if it happened worldwide but I definitely was a case in Italy. Baby formula was clearly more expensive than breast milk therefore poor women couldn't afford it and went for the only free option: breastfeeding. So that's probably the reason why the grandmother considers it as "low class".
Load More Replies...Is it even *legal* to use paternity leave to take a trip without the baby? (Assuming it is official paternity leave, rather than saved-up vacation/personal days.) Even if it is allowed, if his coworkers have to pick up the slack for his paternity leave (as is typical at many US workplaces), he's being an A-hole to them, as well as to his wife and newborn child. I know if I was asked to take over a project or do overtime for a paternity leave, I would be understanding about it (at least to *him*, and direct any resentment to the management for not making other arrangements for this long-anticipated absence) but if I found out that the dude had used that time to take a fun trip, *leaving behind the baby and the other parent*, I'd be incandescent with rage.
This idea probrably came from the days of multigenerational families and strict gender roles, where the father was not expected to help in the house or with the baby, and one or both grandmothers was living with them, so mum wasn't going to be coping alone. Boyfriend needs a reality check, and an attitude adjustment. Starting with, "paternity leave is for you to be here and be a father to our new baby, and to help me, because it takes more than one person to care for a newborn and take care of the housework, especially as that one person is still recovering from the birth, and is breastfeeding." Continuing with "MILs ideas are oldfashioned and not appropriate to our culture and way of life. I will be polite but we will not be following her advice. This 'gift' was presumptuous, interfering, and insulting to you, because it implies that you will not be a supportive partner or involved father." Ending with "If you go, I will tell everyone we know, and your boss."
All I have to say is - he's just a boyfriend - let him go on his vacation, and when he gets back, you'll be gone without a note. Go to your grandparents. I'm sure they'd be delighted to have you until you get your life back together. You really don't need this man in your life. You'll do fine with your child. Just try to relax and enjoy your child. Don't let anxiety and a useless boyfriend destroy that.
OP's MIL is toxic, stressing her out during a high-risk pregnancy. The husband sounds selfish. A woman and baby could freaking die without support during this time. I wish OP good health and good luck. If my husband left me during a time like this it would mean divorce.
What the f@ck?!!!!! Weird awkward selfish perverse s**t. Run away girl!!!
How is tthat "a paternity vacation" if he's gonna be away from his child? If anybody deserves a vacation away from a child - it's the mother, because she was the one who had to carry this baby for 9 months and then give birth.
So..what would his boss say to him using his paternity leave for a fun holiday?!
In the U.S., FMLA leave is unpaid, if an employee is paid during that time, it comes from their accrued vacation and sick leave. However, if a company offer paid parental leave as part of their employment perks, the company probably also has policies governing the use of the leave. So in the U.S., it would depend on the company.
Load More Replies...This MIL is thoroughly steeped in old wives tales and cultural practices. Many cultural practices (like fabrics, foods, and temperatures) do no harm and may be helpful, but this MIL really needs education on the ones that are potentially harmful. It seems like she does care and is making an effort, but it's in all the wrong places and causing potentially permanent damage to relationships. This is why childbirth classes for grandparents should be commonplace! SO much has changed, and so much has been learned, since the last generation had their children.
I can't imagine having created a child with someone and within a few days of having that child. The person I'm raising that child with up and leaves. It is bad enough that parents might have to leave after having a baby to go back to work for 8 hours daily. Much less the being able to have that time off to specifically spend with the family you created. Yet you choose to leave and take that time for something else. That would hurt me to my core and make me feel less important. Rightfully so for real.
It would honestly be better if he went to work, instead of taking the paternity leave and then spend two out of three weeks in a different Country. At least, he would come home after work and (hopefully) help that poor woman! How absurd! I get the whole concept of "birth is a female issue, it doesn't concern your husband, etc" which ia still quite present in certain cultures but usually in those cases a new mom is supported and helped by a whole group of other women: her mother, sisters, aunties and female neighbors. Nowadays it's quite common that people live very far from their family and they don't even know their neighbors so the family nucleus is much smaller. So fathers must step up to actively tend their newborns and partners. Also, in this case, it's certainly not the father that needs rest! What about the mother: nine months of high risk pregnancy, the whole process of giving birth and it's the man who goes on vacation?!
from additional info sounds like this may be a cultural thing so some of the opinions of the mother can be understood if not supported. but, what bothers me is the son not only not refusing but feeling that he should go for a week. wtf? and, with his taking only three weeks off that means that week one is not only physical recovery but the crash of those preggo hormones. week two is usually coming out of physical recovery and adjusting to crazy baby hours. week three would be finding the rhythm and starting to enjoy being a family - but still constant adjustment. would love for the boyfriend to explain which week would be best for him to go and justify that choice. also, not see delivery because she would be seen differently? i sure hope so because a woman should be appreciated for what she goes through to bring a child into the world. if he is repulsed, disgusted, etc. then there are serious issues that need to be addressed with that as well as with mom
She needs to put her foot down, now. He is still putting his mother and her feelings first (along with his own selfish desires) ahead of his S.O. and now his child's well being. The entire point of paternity leave is for the father to be there to help raise his infant. It's not a vacation. What is with these mothers who think their sons shouldn't be prioritizing their families?
How about Mum, wat a wonderful gift! Would it be okay to postpone the trip a year? Maybe we as a family (of 3) can join. Or perhaps include Mum as well if the mum relation is healthy? (Free baby sit sometimes ;-) I think it's a cultural clash. The jade gift, the trip (mum is not joining her son.) All seem genuine, but so is the mother to be. Although she seems too worried about birth. A good conversation between all three should still be possible. I would suggest to postpone the trip.
How do people communicate in this family ? High risk pregnancy means C-section is very likely at any time. The husband that doesn't say a word about his wishes, maybe he'd like to escape very far away (in Italy, by any chance ?), and the abusive MIL but I read and heard so many things about some Asian families' dynamics that it seems to be just a cultural thing, not a peculiar behaviour (correct me if I'm wrong). Good luck to them, especially the mother-to-be.
Wow, she is really old fashioned Asian, especially with the more info given in replies. OP better watch out, she might have an extra unwanted set of hands living with her after the baby is born. From experiences of other woman in similar positions, either their MIL are wonderful and super helpful or, more commonly, a nightmare and create a very stressful environment. With how opinionated the old lady is, I'd be guessing it wouldn't be rainbows and butterflies living with her
These people need relationship counseling. Maybe consider adoption if she doesn’t want to be a single mother. (This doesn’t mean I’m for banning abortion so there’s no need to downvote me or express hatred.) Even if she wants to keep it, broach the subject with sperm donor; his reaction will be instructive
She’ll likely have to have a c-section as that is what happens if inducement fails, and it likely will if the Bub Isn’t ready. I reckon though, once he sees his daughter, he’ll be head over heels and won’t leave the ( and shouldn’t anyway). I did snort at someone’s comment about keeping the house clean. That’s way down the list of things a new mother needs to worry about.
No joke, my sister just had a baby and they have two older kids... her husband's birthday is next week and his Mom bought him an overnight trip. Granted its just an overnight, but my sister had a c section, can't lift things, etc and will be taking care of 3 kids overnight by herself? He is SO inconsiderate. Oh and his Mom didn't clear it with my sister either.
Different cultures, DIFFERENT TIMES, his mom 'might' not understand that Patermity Means staying and Helping Mom & New born! Being Present! NOT Vacationing across the world away from them. Yet He needs to understand, new tradition ;-) BEING PRESENT, can vacation at another time!
I am from Appalachia and breastfeeding is considered reasonable and normal. Field hands coming up on the porch where breastfeeding is happening keep their eyes in their head. No one squeals that breastfeeding in church or restaurant is tacky. To this day I disapprove of anyone trying to be disrespectful of breastfeeding.
I've had the opportunity to witness a few births during my internships and I was deeply moved by the amount of emotions and love both parents went through... I would never ever tell somebody to miss this very special moment, it's so beautiful and there's so much strength from the mothers! I loved to see the support and the love that they had for each other. But I agree: He may see her in another way after the birth. But not in a bad way, from my experience. Being able to see your beloved partner in such a strong, vulnerable and honest moment WILL make you see her in a new way. I don't want children myself, so I'm very thankful that I was able to 'experience' it another way and I am so glad that these couples allowed me to be there.
Boyfriend. Make him an ex. And he should have stood up and said thanks mom but I want to be here to bond w my child and if you want to donate that money to the college fund that would be better.
I could see buying this to use in a year or so for both of them to go a for a week & she watches the baby when it over 1 y/o. Also if his job gave him special time off that is for new parents & not his regular cation/PTO he could get in trouble with work as this is time of for him to be with baby- not travel. Make coworker took 2 weeks off with his PTO when his baby was born- I couldn’t imagine him saying he would go on vacation right after & leave wife and newborn. If it was suggested he would think it was crazy
I'm not making excuses, HOWEVER, this us very much a cultural thing. I'm honestly always quite astounded by the fact that people will marry into other cultures without having taken any note of what their partner's and his/ her family values are. I was a show called 90 day fiance where thus us cery much a problem. Our fellow American women will find men from devout Muslim countries and be "blindsided " by the fact that they can't do PDA, show lots of skin, etc, etc. Like how do you fall in love with and start a whole life with a person from another culture with no regard to that culture whatsoever. I'm not saying in any way, shaoe or form that anyone should bend to their partner's strict values, but a little research wouldn't hurt before you decide to become a part of a family. You should have already known by the time the baby arrived if your oartjer was the type to actually accept that gift. These situations are a majority of the time BF or Husband Problems, NOT MIL problems. The ILs will be who they are, it is your partner's duty to stick up for you!
*I watch a show, not was a show. Probably more typos, sorry, I always forget you can't edit on BP.
Load More Replies...I remember reading somewhere that in Asian cultures there is a custom where new moms are literally waited on hand and foot for the first six weeks (If I remember correctly) by the other women in the family: the two grandmothers, sisters, aunts, etc. so mom can focus on resting, bonding with the baby and nursing. These women cook for her, clean for her, change the baby, help her bathe and change if needed. It is cocooning the new mom and baby in a womb of care and love. I don't even think the men are even allowed to be around. It's a time for the women to bond with each other. I'm not sure how much of that happens anymore to day though. That being said, the boyfriend and his mom were so wrong. And the time to take leave is AFTER the baby is born unless she had to take leave early to be on bedrest because of complications. I don't see this boding well for the relationship at all.
She says she was in a car wreck at 27 weeks and in a high risk pregnancy! How can her BF bear to leave her knowing her circumstances? What if there are issues at birth and they need the father to make some important decisions? The BF doesn’t seem quite ready to have his world rocked by this infant, and his mother’s continuous insistence that men should not be involved is not helping. And what is up with telling her not to breastfeed? It should be up to her once the baby is born, and what she feels comfortable with. Poor mama. I’d love an update!
So HE needs a break after YOU have given birth... it is high risk to boot...
I can't believe the boyfriend is even considering it. When my oldest was 3 weeks old, there was a family event on my husband's side halfway across the world. I felt bad that he was going to miss it, told him he should go, and his response was along the lines of "no way in hell am I leaving you with a newborn for that"
Let him take that vacation. And while he's gone throw all of his c**p out and change the locks. If he's willing to pick his mom over you during a huge life changing time, then he will continue to do it.
Hubby was the one who woke up when our son cried in the middle of the night. (I can give a log a run for the money) He changed him first then played for a while before waking me up. Child would have starved to death without him.
Your journalist seems to have missed the point that there is a cross-cultural thing going on here so your relationship experts' analysis is mis-reading the situation.
That definitely sounds like a Chinese grandma thing. However, if she was also following Chinese grandma tradition she'd be moving in with OP for at least a month, not letting OP go outside, and a variety of other things. Has Chinese grandma got round to giving the revelation that she's moving in?
Is this what passes as BP content now? Yet another copy and paste blameless victim AITA article.
I can appreciate the old world tradition of it all BUT what I can't appreciate is she (the mother) should've updated it to a new tradition. Like "Hey when the baby is x age old I am sending you BOTH to a vacation in Italy to have some much needed alone time and I'll watch the baby" or something to that effect. Goodness.
I know I'll be hated for this, but I think paternity leave is just stupid. But a grand trip to Italy, solo, is even more ridiculous.
Why is paternity leave stupid? Is the father not equally responsible for bonding with his child, and helping the mother during her most vulnerable time?
Load More Replies...And? They are still in a committed relationship with a baby. You no longer have to be married to act like a partner and parent.
Load More Replies...The mother in law and son are not American. Stupidity and selfishness exists everywhere.
Load More Replies...I wonder what the BF's job would think/do if they knew he was using his "paternity leave" to go on an all-expenses paid vacation out of the country while he's supposed to be home caring for his newborn child. Men have been fighting for the right to be given equal rights to paternity leave for years, if not decades, and so many still don't have the opportunity. If using that time to NOT stay home to take care of your kid but instead going on a solo "dream vacation" isn't abusing the system, I don't know what is.
But its not ruining her experience as a first time mother, panicking because now she has to keep a whole helpless human being alive and probably while she suffers from post partum depression. If anyone need a vacation after a birth its the mother. Is he really gonna say "i left my physically wounded wife and newborn to go on vacation" and expect anyone to have any respect for him
Was just coming here to say this. Recovery after childbirth is no joke, and even single parents need massive amounts of help.
Load More Replies...It can but it is going to take the bf standing up to his mom. Establishing and enforcing boundaries. It isn't easy and he is going to have to do that for any long term relationship
Load More Replies...I know this is a cultural thing, but damn. We need men who are becoming fathers to STEP UP and actually BE a father, ffs! Your contribution does not end when the sperm fertilizes the egg, raising a child is NOT "woman's work", it is PARENT'S work! And those first many weeks directly following birth are the most physically, mentally and emotionally draining, especially for the woman. Sending him on a vacation...fml.
I would rather refer to it as "un-cultural thing". :)
Load More Replies...When my wife was hospitalised (upto and including birth) for 2 weeks, I never left her side. I slept in the hospital canteen every night (I was even robbed). I spent EVERY waking hour with my wife and precious daughter. The nurses allowed me to stay even when visiting times finished.
"Breastfeeding is low class" while I do get the sentiment, seeing the time period, this is the most stupid reason to avoid breastfeeding!
I don't get the sentiment. It's purely cultural, and in our modern culture, breastfeeding is high class because it means mom doesn't have to work. She can stay home with the baby. Which as I'm saying that makes me hear how dystopian that all is, but it's been proven breastfeeding is healthier for the baby, helps mom rid the extra weight, and if someone wants to do it, they should be allowed. I get why some don't, so no judgment, but even pumping isn't quite as healthy, since it seems they're finding now that boobies can detect bacteria in the baby's saliva and adjust antibodies in the milk accordingly.
Load More Replies...I know she's being induced but what if she has to have an emergency c-section, that's major surgery and she could be left with a tiny baby while struggling to even hold them whilst being in a whole heap of pain. The fact that the bf is saying he should at least go for a week would have me kicking him out so he can go back and live with mummy, permanently.
She was in an accident at 27 weeks, isn't his mother worried about the baby? Maybe she intends to stay in her son's place and do everything for op, that would at least make cultural sense
Load More Replies...My man got exciting offer to go for freelance job in nearby city (making money while doing what he loves). He’d have to be completely away from home for a few weeks, and it falls somewhere at the time of my labour. What he did? He directly rejected an offer without even saying at first to me. “I will never miss a birth of my child, that’s not even a discussion” his words. Yet her husband puts vacation first? (Or rather guilt that it’s already paid for?) Seriously, dude needs to rethink his priorities. No matter tradition or social pressure. What’s matter it’s what in his head and in his heart.
If he were to go, I and the infant would not be there when he returned. I'd call his place of employment also and let them know he went on vacation rather than paternity leave.
Does either the mother or her son understand the meaning of ‘paternity leave’? In many countries this is a hard fought benefit for new fathers so they can adjust to and for their new role in their families lives, helping the mother of their baby through an emotional and sometimes very difficult time. How incredibly thoughtless and selfish. I’m surprised his mother didn’t want to send him on holiday for the conception!
I agree, the mom should have asked the new mom and see if that would be OK. She seems to try to control the narrative in their relationship and thats not cool! Like what the leave is for....PATERNITY LEAVE, NOT PATERNITY VACATION! The mom sounds like she's Asian and that is a very typical Asian thing for the moms to think they know best. I'm Asian myself and trust me, this is kinda a normal thing within the family. However, this should have been a mutual decision and I wouldn't want my bf to go anywhere during the time when he should be spending time with the baby and gf. If he does this now before the baby comes or even after, then how many times will he do it for the life of the child? This is going to out a damper in their relationship. FYI, just having a child is going to change things anyhow. It always does but the mom should have anymore access stress.
They are Chinese I just read her post on reddit, the mother in law has offered to stay with her for the two weeks if her son goes
Load More Replies...Thats crazy. I just had a newborn 19 days ago and let me tell you, you will need his support/help taking care of the baby especially the first few weeks while your recovering from birth. This whole idea is stupid and your boyfriend should just reschedule his vacation for next year. Why he would even agree to leave you alone with a newborn right after your give birth is crazy. He is selfish and unrealistic and so is his mom.
What does Grandma think breasts are for? They are there so the baby can survive. The fact that men find them exciting is just a bonus.
In the past women of high society didn't breastfeed and gave their babies to be nursed by some low class women who also had recently had birth themselves (and they obviously paid them). Only rich people could do that. And during the 50's and 60's there was a huge campaign in favour of artificial feeding; women were advised by doctors to absolutely stop breastfeeding after 6 months. I don't know if it happened worldwide but I definitely was a case in Italy. Baby formula was clearly more expensive than breast milk therefore poor women couldn't afford it and went for the only free option: breastfeeding. So that's probably the reason why the grandmother considers it as "low class".
Load More Replies...Is it even *legal* to use paternity leave to take a trip without the baby? (Assuming it is official paternity leave, rather than saved-up vacation/personal days.) Even if it is allowed, if his coworkers have to pick up the slack for his paternity leave (as is typical at many US workplaces), he's being an A-hole to them, as well as to his wife and newborn child. I know if I was asked to take over a project or do overtime for a paternity leave, I would be understanding about it (at least to *him*, and direct any resentment to the management for not making other arrangements for this long-anticipated absence) but if I found out that the dude had used that time to take a fun trip, *leaving behind the baby and the other parent*, I'd be incandescent with rage.
This idea probrably came from the days of multigenerational families and strict gender roles, where the father was not expected to help in the house or with the baby, and one or both grandmothers was living with them, so mum wasn't going to be coping alone. Boyfriend needs a reality check, and an attitude adjustment. Starting with, "paternity leave is for you to be here and be a father to our new baby, and to help me, because it takes more than one person to care for a newborn and take care of the housework, especially as that one person is still recovering from the birth, and is breastfeeding." Continuing with "MILs ideas are oldfashioned and not appropriate to our culture and way of life. I will be polite but we will not be following her advice. This 'gift' was presumptuous, interfering, and insulting to you, because it implies that you will not be a supportive partner or involved father." Ending with "If you go, I will tell everyone we know, and your boss."
All I have to say is - he's just a boyfriend - let him go on his vacation, and when he gets back, you'll be gone without a note. Go to your grandparents. I'm sure they'd be delighted to have you until you get your life back together. You really don't need this man in your life. You'll do fine with your child. Just try to relax and enjoy your child. Don't let anxiety and a useless boyfriend destroy that.
OP's MIL is toxic, stressing her out during a high-risk pregnancy. The husband sounds selfish. A woman and baby could freaking die without support during this time. I wish OP good health and good luck. If my husband left me during a time like this it would mean divorce.
What the f@ck?!!!!! Weird awkward selfish perverse s**t. Run away girl!!!
How is tthat "a paternity vacation" if he's gonna be away from his child? If anybody deserves a vacation away from a child - it's the mother, because she was the one who had to carry this baby for 9 months and then give birth.
So..what would his boss say to him using his paternity leave for a fun holiday?!
In the U.S., FMLA leave is unpaid, if an employee is paid during that time, it comes from their accrued vacation and sick leave. However, if a company offer paid parental leave as part of their employment perks, the company probably also has policies governing the use of the leave. So in the U.S., it would depend on the company.
Load More Replies...This MIL is thoroughly steeped in old wives tales and cultural practices. Many cultural practices (like fabrics, foods, and temperatures) do no harm and may be helpful, but this MIL really needs education on the ones that are potentially harmful. It seems like she does care and is making an effort, but it's in all the wrong places and causing potentially permanent damage to relationships. This is why childbirth classes for grandparents should be commonplace! SO much has changed, and so much has been learned, since the last generation had their children.
I can't imagine having created a child with someone and within a few days of having that child. The person I'm raising that child with up and leaves. It is bad enough that parents might have to leave after having a baby to go back to work for 8 hours daily. Much less the being able to have that time off to specifically spend with the family you created. Yet you choose to leave and take that time for something else. That would hurt me to my core and make me feel less important. Rightfully so for real.
It would honestly be better if he went to work, instead of taking the paternity leave and then spend two out of three weeks in a different Country. At least, he would come home after work and (hopefully) help that poor woman! How absurd! I get the whole concept of "birth is a female issue, it doesn't concern your husband, etc" which ia still quite present in certain cultures but usually in those cases a new mom is supported and helped by a whole group of other women: her mother, sisters, aunties and female neighbors. Nowadays it's quite common that people live very far from their family and they don't even know their neighbors so the family nucleus is much smaller. So fathers must step up to actively tend their newborns and partners. Also, in this case, it's certainly not the father that needs rest! What about the mother: nine months of high risk pregnancy, the whole process of giving birth and it's the man who goes on vacation?!
from additional info sounds like this may be a cultural thing so some of the opinions of the mother can be understood if not supported. but, what bothers me is the son not only not refusing but feeling that he should go for a week. wtf? and, with his taking only three weeks off that means that week one is not only physical recovery but the crash of those preggo hormones. week two is usually coming out of physical recovery and adjusting to crazy baby hours. week three would be finding the rhythm and starting to enjoy being a family - but still constant adjustment. would love for the boyfriend to explain which week would be best for him to go and justify that choice. also, not see delivery because she would be seen differently? i sure hope so because a woman should be appreciated for what she goes through to bring a child into the world. if he is repulsed, disgusted, etc. then there are serious issues that need to be addressed with that as well as with mom
She needs to put her foot down, now. He is still putting his mother and her feelings first (along with his own selfish desires) ahead of his S.O. and now his child's well being. The entire point of paternity leave is for the father to be there to help raise his infant. It's not a vacation. What is with these mothers who think their sons shouldn't be prioritizing their families?
How about Mum, wat a wonderful gift! Would it be okay to postpone the trip a year? Maybe we as a family (of 3) can join. Or perhaps include Mum as well if the mum relation is healthy? (Free baby sit sometimes ;-) I think it's a cultural clash. The jade gift, the trip (mum is not joining her son.) All seem genuine, but so is the mother to be. Although she seems too worried about birth. A good conversation between all three should still be possible. I would suggest to postpone the trip.
How do people communicate in this family ? High risk pregnancy means C-section is very likely at any time. The husband that doesn't say a word about his wishes, maybe he'd like to escape very far away (in Italy, by any chance ?), and the abusive MIL but I read and heard so many things about some Asian families' dynamics that it seems to be just a cultural thing, not a peculiar behaviour (correct me if I'm wrong). Good luck to them, especially the mother-to-be.
Wow, she is really old fashioned Asian, especially with the more info given in replies. OP better watch out, she might have an extra unwanted set of hands living with her after the baby is born. From experiences of other woman in similar positions, either their MIL are wonderful and super helpful or, more commonly, a nightmare and create a very stressful environment. With how opinionated the old lady is, I'd be guessing it wouldn't be rainbows and butterflies living with her
These people need relationship counseling. Maybe consider adoption if she doesn’t want to be a single mother. (This doesn’t mean I’m for banning abortion so there’s no need to downvote me or express hatred.) Even if she wants to keep it, broach the subject with sperm donor; his reaction will be instructive
She’ll likely have to have a c-section as that is what happens if inducement fails, and it likely will if the Bub Isn’t ready. I reckon though, once he sees his daughter, he’ll be head over heels and won’t leave the ( and shouldn’t anyway). I did snort at someone’s comment about keeping the house clean. That’s way down the list of things a new mother needs to worry about.
No joke, my sister just had a baby and they have two older kids... her husband's birthday is next week and his Mom bought him an overnight trip. Granted its just an overnight, but my sister had a c section, can't lift things, etc and will be taking care of 3 kids overnight by herself? He is SO inconsiderate. Oh and his Mom didn't clear it with my sister either.
Different cultures, DIFFERENT TIMES, his mom 'might' not understand that Patermity Means staying and Helping Mom & New born! Being Present! NOT Vacationing across the world away from them. Yet He needs to understand, new tradition ;-) BEING PRESENT, can vacation at another time!
I am from Appalachia and breastfeeding is considered reasonable and normal. Field hands coming up on the porch where breastfeeding is happening keep their eyes in their head. No one squeals that breastfeeding in church or restaurant is tacky. To this day I disapprove of anyone trying to be disrespectful of breastfeeding.
I've had the opportunity to witness a few births during my internships and I was deeply moved by the amount of emotions and love both parents went through... I would never ever tell somebody to miss this very special moment, it's so beautiful and there's so much strength from the mothers! I loved to see the support and the love that they had for each other. But I agree: He may see her in another way after the birth. But not in a bad way, from my experience. Being able to see your beloved partner in such a strong, vulnerable and honest moment WILL make you see her in a new way. I don't want children myself, so I'm very thankful that I was able to 'experience' it another way and I am so glad that these couples allowed me to be there.
Boyfriend. Make him an ex. And he should have stood up and said thanks mom but I want to be here to bond w my child and if you want to donate that money to the college fund that would be better.
I could see buying this to use in a year or so for both of them to go a for a week & she watches the baby when it over 1 y/o. Also if his job gave him special time off that is for new parents & not his regular cation/PTO he could get in trouble with work as this is time of for him to be with baby- not travel. Make coworker took 2 weeks off with his PTO when his baby was born- I couldn’t imagine him saying he would go on vacation right after & leave wife and newborn. If it was suggested he would think it was crazy
I'm not making excuses, HOWEVER, this us very much a cultural thing. I'm honestly always quite astounded by the fact that people will marry into other cultures without having taken any note of what their partner's and his/ her family values are. I was a show called 90 day fiance where thus us cery much a problem. Our fellow American women will find men from devout Muslim countries and be "blindsided " by the fact that they can't do PDA, show lots of skin, etc, etc. Like how do you fall in love with and start a whole life with a person from another culture with no regard to that culture whatsoever. I'm not saying in any way, shaoe or form that anyone should bend to their partner's strict values, but a little research wouldn't hurt before you decide to become a part of a family. You should have already known by the time the baby arrived if your oartjer was the type to actually accept that gift. These situations are a majority of the time BF or Husband Problems, NOT MIL problems. The ILs will be who they are, it is your partner's duty to stick up for you!
*I watch a show, not was a show. Probably more typos, sorry, I always forget you can't edit on BP.
Load More Replies...I remember reading somewhere that in Asian cultures there is a custom where new moms are literally waited on hand and foot for the first six weeks (If I remember correctly) by the other women in the family: the two grandmothers, sisters, aunts, etc. so mom can focus on resting, bonding with the baby and nursing. These women cook for her, clean for her, change the baby, help her bathe and change if needed. It is cocooning the new mom and baby in a womb of care and love. I don't even think the men are even allowed to be around. It's a time for the women to bond with each other. I'm not sure how much of that happens anymore to day though. That being said, the boyfriend and his mom were so wrong. And the time to take leave is AFTER the baby is born unless she had to take leave early to be on bedrest because of complications. I don't see this boding well for the relationship at all.
She says she was in a car wreck at 27 weeks and in a high risk pregnancy! How can her BF bear to leave her knowing her circumstances? What if there are issues at birth and they need the father to make some important decisions? The BF doesn’t seem quite ready to have his world rocked by this infant, and his mother’s continuous insistence that men should not be involved is not helping. And what is up with telling her not to breastfeed? It should be up to her once the baby is born, and what she feels comfortable with. Poor mama. I’d love an update!
So HE needs a break after YOU have given birth... it is high risk to boot...
I can't believe the boyfriend is even considering it. When my oldest was 3 weeks old, there was a family event on my husband's side halfway across the world. I felt bad that he was going to miss it, told him he should go, and his response was along the lines of "no way in hell am I leaving you with a newborn for that"
Let him take that vacation. And while he's gone throw all of his c**p out and change the locks. If he's willing to pick his mom over you during a huge life changing time, then he will continue to do it.
Hubby was the one who woke up when our son cried in the middle of the night. (I can give a log a run for the money) He changed him first then played for a while before waking me up. Child would have starved to death without him.
Your journalist seems to have missed the point that there is a cross-cultural thing going on here so your relationship experts' analysis is mis-reading the situation.
That definitely sounds like a Chinese grandma thing. However, if she was also following Chinese grandma tradition she'd be moving in with OP for at least a month, not letting OP go outside, and a variety of other things. Has Chinese grandma got round to giving the revelation that she's moving in?
Is this what passes as BP content now? Yet another copy and paste blameless victim AITA article.
I can appreciate the old world tradition of it all BUT what I can't appreciate is she (the mother) should've updated it to a new tradition. Like "Hey when the baby is x age old I am sending you BOTH to a vacation in Italy to have some much needed alone time and I'll watch the baby" or something to that effect. Goodness.
I know I'll be hated for this, but I think paternity leave is just stupid. But a grand trip to Italy, solo, is even more ridiculous.
Why is paternity leave stupid? Is the father not equally responsible for bonding with his child, and helping the mother during her most vulnerable time?
Load More Replies...And? They are still in a committed relationship with a baby. You no longer have to be married to act like a partner and parent.
Load More Replies...The mother in law and son are not American. Stupidity and selfishness exists everywhere.
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