Tweet Showing How Moms Are Still Considered To Be The Default Parent Went Viral With 283k Likes
Young couples with children try to equally contribute to parenting, the family’s financial state and chores. But it is still often assumed that the woman does the most work when it comes to children and to the home. Schools tend to call the moms by default even if the family asked to firstly contact the dad, and moms are responsible for gift buying for the child’s school Christmas party.
A woman on Twitter jokingly remarked that when she asked her child’s classmates’ dads to give her their emails for birthday party purposes, all 3 of them gave her their wives’ contacts. However, people in the comments didn’t take it lightly and a discussion broke out about how moms are expected to take care of organizational things.
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Mom on Twitter shared how when she asked dads at her kid’s school for emails, they gave her their wives’ and she jokingly remarked that this is a social experiment
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The Twitter user who started the conversation is Sonya Bonczek, the Director of Publicity at the University of North Carolina Press. The tweet went viral with 283k likes and even though the woman was joking about conducting a social experiment, people in the comments got involved in a heated discussion.
Women were sharing that this is very true and that they have to handle the kids’ birthdays, presents and other organizational things. Dads may think that because moms handle it so well, they enjoy it, but judging from the comments, it appears not to be true.
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While Sonya was joking, others took it more seriously and a heated discussion opened up in her comments
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Men joined the conversation as well and while there were some of them who felt that moms are considered the default parent and were actually annoyed at not being contacted first, more men expressed that they are just not cut out for the job.
These comments were saying that the men don’t have such a good memory, so they forget the things they might have organized or they don’t have the skills for that and if they tried to handle it, they wouldn’t come on time, they wouldn’t be properly dressed and who knows what they would bring as a present.
Men tried to justify the dads’ behavior by saying that it would be weird to have a strange woman’s number in their contacts if their wives ever saw it
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Another interesting and maybe unexpected point the men raised was that they don’t feel comfortable giving their contacts to another woman. They feel that having a strange woman’s contact in their phones might lead to misunderstandings with their wives.
While that can be true, other commenters noted that this may be an indication that the marriage is not very strong and such trust issues should be solved because the wife shouldn’t be suspicious of the dad having another parents’ contacts for the kid’s school or socializing purposes.
Men also said that their wives handle such matters better and if they did it, it would be an organizational mess
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Sonya didn’t think much of the situation she described in her viral tweet and some men explained that it might be that the parents have their own roles. Maybe the mom handles school and birthdays and the dad takes the kids to doctor’s appointments.
We may not know the situation of every family, but the tendency still remains: people expect less from dads and if they want things done or if they want to find out something, they will go to the mom.
Women were doubtful, because why can’t a grown man schedule and organize things when they surely have to do it for themselves?
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You may be able to imagine why the mom is seen as the default parent, and if you’re guessing it’s because of society and people’s expectations, that’s correct. Therapist Nancy Coller LCSW, Rev. says that “Women are assumed to be the default parent in part because of long-entrenched and traditional gender roles, where women are the caretakers of the family and stayed home, while men worked outside the home.”
It worked fine during the cavemen era, but we have evolved since then and women also provide for their families; they have different roles in society, so it is interesting to observe how the expectations from specific genders haven’t changed for thousands of years.
Because the moms know they are considered the default parents and have to handle most of things that have to do with their kids
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Mariah Maddox, a writer for Motherly and a mom, shared that it was very tiring not only to be considered the default parent, but for her husband and her child’s dad to be always viewed as the secondary parent because even if the dad wants to be involved, other people don’t take him seriously.
The mom explores the topic further: “Dads being treated as the lesser parent out in the world plays into them feeling disconnected from their role as fathers in the home. For a while, my husband thought that the only way he could help me with our son was by changing his diaper—even though I needed so much more support. And then it struck me, that was the only thing the rude nurse at the hospital told him he could handle.”
Not only do some men think that this is a job for the mom, but society as well, which leads to other dads feeling excluded from their child’s life
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It seems that not only are moms expected to take on this emotional workload and take care of parenting, but dads are conditioned to think that there is nothing they can do to help or that they wouldn’t even be able to handle it.
But men are no longer just providers – they are dads, which means they should be involved in parenting as much as moms are and the workload on both of the parents doesn’t just depend on the family dynamic, but on how society views them. That is why such public discussions are valuable.
Or it may be that the couple has divided responsibilities equally and it just happened that the mom is in charge of the scheduling
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Does Sonya’s experience sound familiar? Why do you think it is so hard to change the assumption that the mom handles family affairs? Do you think there is a fair explanation why the dads in Sonya’s story would give their wives’ emails? Let us know your thoughts and share your stories in the comments!
So we have the "men are useless" argument, the "avoids infidelity accusations" argument, the "society has defaulted to..." argument, and the "maybe they've delegated responsibilities" argument. I'd say it's some combination of all the above. No single parental interaction will be the result of the same set of circumstances as the next or previous one. And, as one commenter pointed out, it's really no one else's business. As long as the child makes it to the party/dentist/soccer practice. Push back against the societal default and let the rest go.
If men say it's just agreed in their relationship that the wife takes care of these things - fine (although we might ask if they ever considered doing it otherwise, or if they just copy old patterns). But grown men telling me "I can't remember birthdays"? Boy, how do they function at their job? Telling their boss "Oh sorry, I didn't prepare for the talk I was to hold, I just can't remember dates"? No - they manage fine.
The date when you have to do a presentation is more important than your kids nth friend's birthday. The former can get you fired and so you will lose your stable income and other benefits. The latter can be remedied by going over later and handing the gift over and apologising.
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My husband had sole custody of his 3 children from the time they were toddlers to their teenage years-I'm now stepmother to 3 teens (14-17). They haven't lived with their mother since they were babies, they have no contact with her. I've got a parental responsibility order meaning I can give consent for medical treatment and get involved in their schooling etc, but every year since they started school we've had the same issues. Their schools finds it impossible to understand that their mother isn't part of their lives-every single year we get asked for her contact details, her email address, they automatically default to putting her down as next of kin or first point of contact, and when we say we legally can't have her being contacted, it's like their brains collectively short circuit and they don't understand. Surely families come in so many different variations these days that there shouldn't be the automatic assumption that mother is the immediate contact person?
I'm friends with a woman who's stepmother to a teenager. Apparently bio-Mom has serious issues, and willingly had her parental rights terminated. Before my friend married her husband, but they were a serious item, he had my friend listed as his daughter's second point of contact after him. Apparently they had some issues about, "Well, she's not officially a step-parent (yet), so she doesn't count." Even after they got married, there were some instances where ppl refused to believe that my friend had any rights insofar as her stepdaughter was concerned, even after my friend officially adopted her, and the daughter herself kept saying to anyone who'd listen, "My bio-mom is a flake. Stepmom *is* my mom, as far as I'm concerned. Please stop insisting on bio-mom's contact info, even I, her daughter, don't know what it is, nor do I care." Apparently it blew a lot of ppl's minds that Daughter didn't even want to have contact with bio-mom, apparently for a lot of very good reasons.
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"Can I have your email address" - "Here, I'll give you my wife's" ... no matter how you divvy it up, that is a strange interaction. Even if the wife is the planner, just forward the emails. If someone asks you for YOUR contact details, you give YOUR contact details.
I am not the primary parent, my partner is. They are his kids from his first marriage and I am in a support role when it comes to parenting. The schools call me first even though he is listed as the primary contact. They assume it was an error. I politely tell them they need to call him, he is the primary and they still try to converse. I have had to be rude more than I care to to get people to understand our dynamic.
I'm the father of a 2 year old who just started daycare. I called up the daycare to get him enrolled, I filled out all of the paperwork, I'm the one who pays the bill every week... want to guess who the daycare calls when he has an accident or needs to get picked up? But yeah, to respond to the original claim: Most guys are probably trying to avoid any marital friction from having another woman e-mail them.
I hate these posts. I'm a dad and I don't do the organization of the kid's activities. I also don't choose what's for dinner and I don't pick out any gifts. My wife never did any of the taxes. She never unclogged any toilet, cleaned up any vomit or other accidents, she never did anything in the years and years of renovation we did. She never walked the dog in the rain, the cold or the dark and I'm the one who stands in the cold watching my daughter's endless horseriding lessons. It's called teamwork. We all do our share of the stuff that needs doing.
I used to work in a medical office, and we had forms for new patients to fill out about their medical history/how they were feeling... I would say that at least 50% of the time, the male patient would give the forms to his wife, who would then sit and fill the forms out while asking him the questions. So yeah. Men are useless.
Everyone is going to see their side of the argument on this. I deal with all the school stuff and struggle with them contacting me first. It took a couple of years but now the office knows me and will contact me. When dealing with other parents I try to do whatever best suits their expectations. If it is a dad, I will give them my contact info. If it is a mom I will offer both. Most of the time moms will put my wife's number in their phones but not always. I'm trying to make sure my kids are able to have playdates and the more comfortable the parents are the better chance their kid will be hanging out with mine.
Obviously this whole issue is mainly about society's gendered expectations, and things definitely need to get better here. But if you've never been in a relationship with a jealous person, holy ****, you bet all communications from women are being routed through her, cause I don't wanna get screamed at. Some situations override all else. I'm sure it's the same if you flip the genders - a woman with a jealous husband would give the husband's contact info to a man who asked her for hers. "Marital friction" doesn't really convey the situation. It's more like marital nitroglycerine.
As a female in a male-dominated line of work, I absolutely get this response. "Here, let me give you my wife's email" keeps things from appearing weird. Sometimes the wife is really running the books for the business. Sometimes half a dozen boring emails later she says "here's my husband's email address - perhaps it would be better to communicate with him directly." I don't think it is about trusting your spouse as much as it is about trusting the stranger not to try anything.
So we have the "men are useless" argument, the "avoids infidelity accusations" argument, the "society has defaulted to..." argument, and the "maybe they've delegated responsibilities" argument. I'd say it's some combination of all the above. No single parental interaction will be the result of the same set of circumstances as the next or previous one. And, as one commenter pointed out, it's really no one else's business. As long as the child makes it to the party/dentist/soccer practice. Push back against the societal default and let the rest go.
If men say it's just agreed in their relationship that the wife takes care of these things - fine (although we might ask if they ever considered doing it otherwise, or if they just copy old patterns). But grown men telling me "I can't remember birthdays"? Boy, how do they function at their job? Telling their boss "Oh sorry, I didn't prepare for the talk I was to hold, I just can't remember dates"? No - they manage fine.
The date when you have to do a presentation is more important than your kids nth friend's birthday. The former can get you fired and so you will lose your stable income and other benefits. The latter can be remedied by going over later and handing the gift over and apologising.
Load More Replies... My husband had sole custody of his 3 children from the time they were toddlers to their teenage years-I'm now stepmother to 3 teens (14-17). They haven't lived with their mother since they were babies, they have no contact with her. I've got a parental responsibility order meaning I can give consent for medical treatment and get involved in their schooling etc, but every year since they started school we've had the same issues. Their schools finds it impossible to understand that their mother isn't part of their lives-every single year we get asked for her contact details, her email address, they automatically default to putting her down as next of kin or first point of contact, and when we say we legally can't have her being contacted, it's like their brains collectively short circuit and they don't understand. Surely families come in so many different variations these days that there shouldn't be the automatic assumption that mother is the immediate contact person?
I'm friends with a woman who's stepmother to a teenager. Apparently bio-Mom has serious issues, and willingly had her parental rights terminated. Before my friend married her husband, but they were a serious item, he had my friend listed as his daughter's second point of contact after him. Apparently they had some issues about, "Well, she's not officially a step-parent (yet), so she doesn't count." Even after they got married, there were some instances where ppl refused to believe that my friend had any rights insofar as her stepdaughter was concerned, even after my friend officially adopted her, and the daughter herself kept saying to anyone who'd listen, "My bio-mom is a flake. Stepmom *is* my mom, as far as I'm concerned. Please stop insisting on bio-mom's contact info, even I, her daughter, don't know what it is, nor do I care." Apparently it blew a lot of ppl's minds that Daughter didn't even want to have contact with bio-mom, apparently for a lot of very good reasons.
Load More Replies... "Can I have your email address" - "Here, I'll give you my wife's" ... no matter how you divvy it up, that is a strange interaction. Even if the wife is the planner, just forward the emails. If someone asks you for YOUR contact details, you give YOUR contact details.
I am not the primary parent, my partner is. They are his kids from his first marriage and I am in a support role when it comes to parenting. The schools call me first even though he is listed as the primary contact. They assume it was an error. I politely tell them they need to call him, he is the primary and they still try to converse. I have had to be rude more than I care to to get people to understand our dynamic.
I'm the father of a 2 year old who just started daycare. I called up the daycare to get him enrolled, I filled out all of the paperwork, I'm the one who pays the bill every week... want to guess who the daycare calls when he has an accident or needs to get picked up? But yeah, to respond to the original claim: Most guys are probably trying to avoid any marital friction from having another woman e-mail them.
I hate these posts. I'm a dad and I don't do the organization of the kid's activities. I also don't choose what's for dinner and I don't pick out any gifts. My wife never did any of the taxes. She never unclogged any toilet, cleaned up any vomit or other accidents, she never did anything in the years and years of renovation we did. She never walked the dog in the rain, the cold or the dark and I'm the one who stands in the cold watching my daughter's endless horseriding lessons. It's called teamwork. We all do our share of the stuff that needs doing.
I used to work in a medical office, and we had forms for new patients to fill out about their medical history/how they were feeling... I would say that at least 50% of the time, the male patient would give the forms to his wife, who would then sit and fill the forms out while asking him the questions. So yeah. Men are useless.
Everyone is going to see their side of the argument on this. I deal with all the school stuff and struggle with them contacting me first. It took a couple of years but now the office knows me and will contact me. When dealing with other parents I try to do whatever best suits their expectations. If it is a dad, I will give them my contact info. If it is a mom I will offer both. Most of the time moms will put my wife's number in their phones but not always. I'm trying to make sure my kids are able to have playdates and the more comfortable the parents are the better chance their kid will be hanging out with mine.
Obviously this whole issue is mainly about society's gendered expectations, and things definitely need to get better here. But if you've never been in a relationship with a jealous person, holy ****, you bet all communications from women are being routed through her, cause I don't wanna get screamed at. Some situations override all else. I'm sure it's the same if you flip the genders - a woman with a jealous husband would give the husband's contact info to a man who asked her for hers. "Marital friction" doesn't really convey the situation. It's more like marital nitroglycerine.
As a female in a male-dominated line of work, I absolutely get this response. "Here, let me give you my wife's email" keeps things from appearing weird. Sometimes the wife is really running the books for the business. Sometimes half a dozen boring emails later she says "here's my husband's email address - perhaps it would be better to communicate with him directly." I don't think it is about trusting your spouse as much as it is about trusting the stranger not to try anything.
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