Oldest Daughter Who’d Been Caring For Her Four Siblings Decides To Put Herself First And Move Out, Mom Snaps
Interview
Being a mother is difficult. In fact, it’s the equivalent of having 2.5 full-time jobs, recent studies show. Hearing this, we don’t even want to imagine what it’s like doing it all on your own.
Luckily, u/Few_Blood1369‘s mother had a daughter who helped her out with four little munchkins. Cleaning, cooking, doing groceries — this 20-year-old did the lion’s share of mom duties. And so, when she announced plans to move out, like people in their early 20s usually do, her mother wasn’t particularly happy.
Accused of only thinking about herself, this Redditor turned to the trusted ‘Am I The A-Hole‘ subreddit to see what others would do in her place.
Having someone by your side to help raise healthy, little humans when you’re a single parent is always appreciated
Image credits: Kampus Production (not the actual photo)
Yet, when the person who does the most heavy lifting decides it’s time to move on, things can get complicated
Image credits: Few_Blood1369
The author clarified a few important things for context
And explained what it would mean to her to leave the little ones behind
The sad truth is, almost a quarter of US children under the age of 18 live with one parent and no other adults, a higher share than anywhere else in the world, according to recent studies. And although the stress and exhaustion level of being the sole breadwinner for five mouths is enough to make most parents gasp out of sympathetic horror, placing your child between a rock and a hard place, deliberately or unintentionally, is not something a loving, caring parent should do.
Nor should a parent ever use their kids, however capable and grown-up they seem, to fill the gap of a missing parent. Imi Lo, psychotherapist and author of the blog Living with Emotional Intensity, calls it ‘parentification.’ Besides “extreme anxiety and other nervous-compulsive disorders,” including severe depression, Lo notes that parentified children, forced to shoulder responsibilities of their lone parents, are more likely to have parenting problems of their own.
The messy part of trying to win back your independence, then, is navigating the emotional minefield some parents might use to keep their children in place. Diane Barth, psychotherapist and the author of ‘I Know How You Feel: The Joy and Heartbreak of Friendship in Women’s Lives,’ believes the best way to rip off the band-aid without damaging the relationship with your parent is trying to be compassionate. “What’s important for the kid to remember is that the parent provokes guilt or gets manipulative because they’re feeling desperate and abandoned,” Barth told Bored Panda.
Barth understands how difficult it must be to remain firm in the face of your agitated, disappointed parent, but reminds us that eventually they always come around. “I’ve had a number of people go through this and let me tell you this: handled the right way, even though the parent acts like a terrible thing just happened, they will come around.” They might try to turn your decision to move out and spend savings on an expensive apartment (when you can, instead, live rent-free and save money) upside down, Barth has noticed, but the key is being firm. “They might not understand the reasoning at the moment, but they do eventually.”
This is what people had to say about this complicated situation
Dr. Lynn Margolies, a Boston-based Ph.D. psychologist and the author of the ‘Therapy Insider’ blog on PsychologyToday.com, thinks the need to use guilt-tripping as a way to cope with the growing independence of their children often comes from “insecure attachments” that the parents pass down from their own childhood. “When you can’t regulate your own feelings, you try to feel better by attempting to control what other people do, like forbidding emotional separation and autonomy,” Margolies explained to Bored Panda.
Similar to Barth, she recommends approaching the conversation “in a planned way” — one that is firm but kind, able to get through the thickest emotional armor. “An example of the wording of a good boundary setting-argument, one that can’t be argued with, is: ‘I know you want me to stay. I love you and I’m not abandoning you. But I am going to make my own decision about this,'” she advised, noting that surrendering to emotional manipulation and not doing what you think is right for you can often do more damage to the long-term relationship.
Another important thing both Barth and Dr. Margolies touched upon is the importance of not getting involved with the mind-games of name-calling. It’s easy to get lost in the midst of an argument and respond to belittlement or an ugly insult in the same way. We all have been there and know how easy it is to fly off the handle. However, Barth says that taking the high ground in a hostile confrontation is the first step of moving in the right direction.
“Getting sucked into having those name-calling fights is part of the parent’s dynamic,” Barth pointed out. “So, the more a child can say, ‘I’m not going have this conversation while you’re calling me names’ — the easier it will be to navigate out of mother’s emotional manipulation.”
Hey, Pandas! Looking for something chewy to read? Check this out.
I feel so sorry for this young woman. It's easy to tell her to go and live her life, but she's effectively the mother of these four young kids, and it sounds like she is the only stable person they have. Her leaving could be devastating for them, not only emotionally, but in the fact that their actual mother doesn't appear to take care of them. If she leaves and things go bad for the kids, she will blame herself. If she calls child protective services the kids may be taken into foster care and separated. There's no way to give this story a happy ending. The first person who needs her tubes tied is the mother.
Still, not her responsibility. She never asked for that role, and her selfish bïtch of a mother should be excoriated for putting her in it. I WAS that girl, as well, growing up. My 5 siblings ended up growing up to think demanding everything from and using me was normal bc my mother did it. So, after my endless toil to care for them and ensure they were safe and healthy, they STILL ended up angry at me when I finally stopped providing them with money and care years after they were MARRIED. This is a whole disaster and this girl needs to get TF away from the woman who spat her out bc she will be their servants forever if she can't throw down the hard boundaries.
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This is a no win situation. The mother should be forced to be sterilized. This poor young lady needs to be able to live her life as she wishes but I am afraid that she is going to carry so much guilt that mentally and emotionally she will never be okay, especially if something happens to one of her siblings. This is so sad.
I don't agree with the forced part but I think that the last part is probably right
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Move out and away as fast as possible. Then call Child Protective Services.
I don't think the OP can do that. She loves her siblings and can't just dump them. She'd spend most of her time worrying about them so it wouldn't be much of a new life. She needs to move away, but to be able to keep in touch with her siblings. In the UK the social services would make sure this contact can be maintained, but I don't know about the situation in the US. Child protection services need to be called in. As someone else has said, the responsibility will just be passed onto the next oldest when the OP moves out. That won't solve the problem which is the mother of all these kids. The experts will know how best to handle the situation. Get them involved.
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I'm someone who was in both shoes, and I'm livid for this girl. My bio mother had 6 kids (I was the oldest) with (at least) 4 different men and I was expected to raise them, discipline them, keep them clean and fed and safe, plus do all the house chores, cooking, cleaning, etc. I resented the hell out of it, and am now estranged from that entire side of the family because the exploitation by her AND those siblings continued into my adulthood. But I was also a single mother of three children with no assistance after my ex decided to go MIA out of spite bc I divorced him. So...I've been on both sides. But you know what? My children never asked to be born, and if their nasty fück of a father couldn't be there for them, then there wasn't an alternative. Sure, my oldest (who was 5 and 6.5 years older than the other two) stepped up to help me with small things, but I never made her have to care for them. Not her responsibility. It was MINE and, hard as it was, it was MINE ALONE.
I always get too emotional and upset when kids are involved and suffer under adults selfish and disgusting behavior. And by that I mean OPs childhood too. Poor girl. This is abusive and manipulative coming from someone who (of course) has no insight or self awareness. Doesn't seem like she learned anything in her adult life and has total lack of responsibility. I am pretty sure she sees it differently. By the sounds of it she always had a scapegoat within her daughter and has no moral issues doing to her all this crap. If I had to guess, I would even go as far as saying she doesn't even see her kids as her responsibility because she doesn't see herself as a caregiver. In her mind it's the other way around. I bet she had these children for one porpoise - keeping men tied to her. Dumb, didn't work either, so she doesn't really want anything to do with them, because they "didn't work". People like her are the reason I am for psychological evaluation before granted the right to have a child.
One of my childhood best friends was in the situation like this but worse (alcoholic parents and older brothers, poverty etc). She dreamt about moving out to a bigger city and studying but she was feeling worried and guilty about leaving her younger siblings and mom. So in the end she stayed, didn't study, didn't move to a bigger city. Her life could have been so much better. That is why I'm saying: move out. Start the life you want. Follow your dreams. But you don't have to leave your family behind. Come to see them regularly. Have an adult talk with your mom to make certain limits. See how it goes. Ask for help from outside if needed. But please don't get stuck just like my friend did.
I used to know a girl who jumped in a very unfortunate marriage being 19 years old, just to run away from a similar situation.
I was that girl in my teens. I was left to care for my two younger siblings so my mom could work/go to school/party. I raised my brothers until I was 16. The final straw for me was when my mom's boyfriend told me that my mom was bragging to everyone at a party that I wasn't allowed to leave until I was done raising her kids. I had no life outside of school and home. I felt awful for leaving my brothers, but I needed to be free. My mom eventually let my brothers go live with their dad, and unfortunately their home life didn't improve much. In fact, it got worse. I blame myself for how everything turned out. How was I supposed to know what would happen?
You're not to blame for your mother being an irresponsible user.
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I know how this girl feels! There is a fifteen and sixteen year gap between myself and my younger siblings! I had absolutely no life after they were born. Once I graduated from high school I left as soon as I could!
I'm so sorry to hear this. It's truly incredible how much variance there can be in parents' senses of responsibility. It's as vast as the oceans. And it's almost always subsequent generations who pay for the bad ones.
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I think the "where are the fathers" parts is pretty telling. It's easy to try and blame the mother to be neglectfull, and she clearly is, but it takes two to have a child. If the fathers were decent they would care for the childs or at least pay pension so a nanny can take care of them...
I hate to make negative predictions because if they turn out to be correct, it will look like another case of self-fulfilling prophecy....but, be prepared for some massive histrionics: it's all your fault that Child Protection put the kids in foster care, your siblings will be encouraged to cling to your clothes while sobbing, ''Don't leave us!!!'', relatives who usually can't be bothered to even visit will be whispering to you how you're ruining the lives of babes, etc. etc. If you fall for any of this, the next round won,t be far away and it will definitely be worse, sort of like an angler hauling in a really big fish. If he pulls too hard, the fish will snap the line, so the angler cuts him some slack before the next round of pulling. Eventually, the fish is so exhausted that it allows itself to be pulled into the boat without struggling. Beware!
When I was 18, my parents decided to adopt. The program they were in required that they get verbal consent from anyone else living in the house, and since I was still going to school, I lived at home. They asked me, and I said I didn't mind as long as I wouldn't be expected to babysit. I was planning for college soon, and I wanted to focus on my studies, not be a mom. I assumed it would be an issue, since my parents both worked. They basically said, 'no, you're going to babysit, we only asked because we were forced to.' They went ahead and adopted two kids. Flash forward 20 years, my sister just had a baby last year, but she's also struggling to get her sh*t together due to behavioral issues. Single parent. My mom asked me if I would be willing to adopt the baby if it turned out my sister couldn't hack it on her own. I said no.
So the mum likes partying and wants the daughter to take responsibility for the fact she couldn't keep her legs closed ?? She never heard the term birth control?? If she didnt want kids she should have stopped at the first girl...I mean the age difference btwn 1st n 2nd should have been enough time to figure out wtf she wanted in her life...OP is NTA but sure as hell the mum is a big one and quite the ungrateful entitled asshat...
Dude...takes TWO to make babies. I agree the daughter is NTA, but let's take a moment to remember these sperm-doner fücks have responsibility as well!
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PLEASE don't get your tubes tied yet! You're only 20 and your mom has a LOT to do with the way you're feeling right now. You might get married in 10 years and change your mind if you have a man you want to have children with. An IUD or implant will work fine for now. If you still feel this way when you're in your 30s, then go for it. DON'T let anyone tell you a tubiligation is reversible, because it may not be. As far as leaving---live your life!!! You should be the one partying, not your mom. She's taken advantage of you for 9 years. Talk to your sibs and tell them that you're going away to school, like you should've done at 18. I'm betting your mom doesn't work, and is getting government assistance. She's using funds intended for those kids to party. She is negligent and doesn't need those babies. There are PLENTY of women who can't have their own children that can take the 4 in together. CPS will terminate her parental rights if she doesn't get her s**t together. Call them please!
Thank U P.W. that's Exactly 💯 what I was Thinking.
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I worry about this all the time. Am I relying on my oldest too much? I always ask if he's ok to watch his siblings for a little bit(an hour or less), and he always gets some kind of reward for it, extra allowance or screen time or something. I wish there was a clear line on things like this. It was normal for me and my friends growing up that our oldest siblings would be put in charge sometimes but the more stories i read like this make me wonder if putting your oldest in this position at all is a bad idea
It sounds like you're doing okay. If you have the awareness to recognize how you're treating your oldest, and you're asking him how he feels, I don't think you need to worry. I am also an oldest, though I have only one sibling. When my sister was born, I was suddenly a miniature adult. I couldn't make mistakes because "you're supposed to be a good example for your sister". Any time she was in trouble was my fault because "why weren't you watching your sister?" I was still a child myself, still developing and growing, but somehow, having a younger sibling negated that. I didn't have a role model, but I was somehow expected to be one. My sister is merely three years younger than me. A toddler barely recognizes they have emotions. Yes, a five-year-old will know some things better than a two-year-old, but I'm still FIVE. I don't suddenly have flawless emotional control because little sister is watching. I still misbehaved, acted out, had tantrums because I was still a child! If that's not your oldest, you're doing good.
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Sounds like the mother seriously needs to grow up and take responsibility. Giving up the party lifestyle to take on the full burden of parenthood might not be a lot of fun, but *you're* the one who decided to have kids. Dumping the job one of your kids who would have been a minor at the time and then trying to emotionally blackmail them for wanting to be free of responsibilities they never should have had to take on in the first place is unbelievably selfish and juvenile.
The mother won't change into the ideal mother. Where are the fathers? They're the ones who need to save their children from neglect, not an older half-sister!
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What's going to happen when she's done having kids and you are no longer needed. You will not be living out your 20's. This is your time to work on your future. Putting more time into school is easier now while you are young. I finished college in my late 30's but it was hard while I was then working long hours too. I had more commitments at that age because I waited. She's asking you to put your life on hold so she can keep doing whatever she wants. I'm sorry she's doing that to you.
This is one of those questions that I feel like...you already know the answer. Of course it isn't your responsibility. The fact that your mom has 4 children under 12 was not your choice to make and therefore shouldn't be your respoinsibility. She should be grateful that you've helped as long as you have and encourage you to be able to go and live your life. My brother was a drug addict for a long time and my parents owned a home. My grandmother was ill and needed full time help, so they wanted to rent out the house to the 2 of us, and I was really angry they put it on me to say yes because he couldn't afford it on his own. I was really excited about moving out on my own but it was like they wanted me to live with an adddict in order to make it possible for him to stay living there and for them to keep the house while they went to take care of my grandmother. I did it, and i regretted it because he ended up having an OD in the house and died. Now I'll never be able to forget that.
You can't live with a drug addict. They will steal everything you have, often by force, and stay up all night sleep depriving everyone in the house. Then they will sleep for 48 hours. They will never keep a job for more than a week at most. And in some states you will have to go to court for a year to legally get them out.
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Wow, I was in her shoes. I was the older sister who did the parenting. I feel everything she's saying. For her mental well being, she needs to leave. And she needs to get therapy. Sounds like the mother is a narcissistic. I'll never forget my mother leaving at 1am with a bottle of wine. I felt like the parent. Asking where she was going...
The only @sshole is the mother who is having children when she knows she hasn't got the skills to run a household.
There's also the fathers, who are doing even less for their children than the mothers. They're assholes, too, even if they have so little contact with their offspring that they don't realize that they are.
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I'm a 51 year old mother of four (20F, 25M, 31M and a son who died in 2018 and would have been 32 this year) and I feel awful for this young woman. I was a terrible, alcoholic mother and I did parentify my sons, but I never expected them to raise their siblings. I expected way too much of them, but not that. On behalf of all sh***y mothers everywhere, I'm so very sorry to this young woman.
I am so impressed with your decision to accept responsibility, Wendy. So few parents do. I was what everyone considered a "terrific mother", & I STILL have so many regrets over the mistakes I DID make that I find myself constantly apologizing for them even now. I think the biggest thing we must remember, as mothers, is that we did the best we could AT THE TIME. As my therapist says, "If you were a parent now, of course you'd do SOME things differently--because you have lived a lot more & know a lot more than you did then. Would you blame ANYONE ELSE for doing things the way they did, based on things they DIDN'T KNOW at the time? So why are you blaming YOURSELF?" I just think we ALL owe ourselves some compassion. Being a mother--from conception forward--is a very unique, complicated, & mostly thankless situation. We rarely take into account the HUMAN in the MOTHER. Society doesn't expect women to still be individuals with needs & wants after they become parents. It's so unfair.
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Just make sure you let your siblings know that if they ever need you that you are a phone call away. She keeps popping them out she needs to actually become a mom. If you weren't there then she would have to be. It isn't your responsibility to raise her children. Change your phone number don't let her know where you live. She will dump the kids on you any chance she gets.
I know so many people who treat their kids as nothing more than free labor that they feel they're owed. Even avoid my partner's mother because that's all family is to that woman. And what's worse is that she tries to use the BS psychobabble that is "Love Languages" to excuse her behavior.
Her mother needs to grow up and put on her big girl panties. I think OP, needs to move out. There's nothing stopping her from having sleepovers with her siblings (in her home). She can have dinner with her family a couple of times a week. This way she'll have her freedom (which she clearly has earned) and still be there for her siblings. There are no perfect solutions, but I think these actions would be good for everyone.
Da ja vu! I went through this exact situation. The script doesn't change. Sadly, even after 30 years my siblings still resent me for leaving them. They are in their 40s still holding onto the bitterness my mother sowed. Her passing away did not kill the venom spewed. They don't always get over the change. She just upped the anty.
Their version of Social Services must be made aware of this situation so they can give the "mother" fair warning of the consequences she will face if she continues her current behavior.
Go to welfare check people, i don't know what you called them but those people who check on the welfare of kids living in the house. Now let's see what's your mom gonna do about it
My mom did the same thing, three younger sisters, and three older brothers. But as the eldest girl, I did the dipers and feedings, teaching, etc. After parents divorced, I decided to stay with womever my youngest sisters got custody of (my dad), and my mom accused me of stealing her children... forcing her into poverty (less child support because she refused to get jobs)... abandoning her... and other horrible things. Made me suicidal dealing with that and my child molester father who wanted to give custody of us to his theiving boyfriend. Your mother will survive, and as painful as it is... escape and keep Child Protective Services number at the ready.
I hope her mother doesn't continue to abuse her as the mother grows older it could get worst.. or one or more of the siblings in the future who can't cope with their own lives. It breaks my heart and will steal her life by taking her youth, her money and mental health. She MUST LEARN TO SAY NO TODAY!!!
This poor girl is definitely dealing with a narcissistic mother unfortunately, that is one of their tactics is trying to guilt you by telling others that you must be doing this because you don't love them. They especially love to use children as pawns because they are so impressionable. They also "need" a target someone to play their game all the time and take everything out on them. They are also extremely controlling and manipulative. If she leaves the torch will be passed to the next in line. That shouldn't fall on her shoulders but is also no way for the others to be raised. Narcissists are so hard to break free of, she will forever be guilt tripped she just needs to go live her own life. Maybe she can get visitation rights considering the circumstances but if she's not taking care of them they will probably get put into state custody.
Perhaps, as a leaving present, she should give her "mother" a pack of condoms. If you can't take care of 4 more children, don't have 4 more children. I hope the siblings will understand that she is not leaving them behind by any means. Where is the father by the way?
But she IS leaving them behind, she wants and has the right to live the comparatively carefree life of a young adult, and stop being her irresponsible mother's enabler! She wants her mother to step up and care for her own damn kids, not keep offloading responsibility onto her, which she absolutely WILL do. The OP has to learn to say "no", as she can't keep being responsible for all the siblings when she's living on her own and supporting herself, and it's going to be terribly hard on the younger siblings no matter what but that isn't the OP's fault. It's the fault of the mother, and the absent fathers.
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Are you kidding me? The mom is mad that she'll be the one who will have to be the mom for once? Don't have kids if you can't take care of them. Use your brain dumb*ss (talking to the mom, not op) OP should definitely get TF out of there.
Which is all the more unnerving because it's turning tragedy into comedy and entertainment.
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I would consider taking full Physical and Full Legal Custody of the Minor Siblings you have been doing it anyway. Have the mom pay child support and half daycare costs. Give mom supervised visitation. Sign up for any programs that help you like affordable housing Wick ect. Also, find father and force him to pay the same as well as it's his legal obligation too. Hire a babysitter when you want to go out with friends. I don't believe your concious will allow you to not be guilt free since you are emotionally attached and see yourself as mom. Especially as this hinderence bestowed on you by your real mom has you twisted to want to tie your tubes. That's disheartening. You might regret that one day. If a great man comes in your life and wants kids you Will regret that decision. Wait untill 39 to 40 for that decision and just use birth control. If the responsibility is to much to hear raising siblings longer. Find the closest responsible family member to help take custody. I.E.grandma Aunt
Except she doesn't *want* full physical and legal custody of four young siblings, she wants to be freed from the responsibility of raising them so she can live the life of a normal young adult.
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If she calls child services the odds are that they're either going to be taken and separated.. and if mom doesn't get her s**t together the kids could end up separated forever and adopted into new homes. Or they won't do anything because DCS loves to neglect cases where kids are also being neglected and abused and they seem to take children from homes that aren't abusive.. they're a mess of an organization who can never seem to do what's best for the children under their care.. so I would not call DCS but maybe try to find some other source of support if she's worried the kids will be neglected after she leaves. This is a tough spot. Obviously someone of authority needs to know about what is going on here. But if it were me.. I'd probably take my mother to court and try to get custody of the kids myself and go after her for child support because I would not want my siblings to be separated and to be put into potentially more abusive foster homes. There is no right answer here.
I honestly think the best thing for the poster and the children would be if the poster got full custody. Social services has the power to grant family members custody rights. If the mother can't get her act together she should call social services and take full legal custody. Honestly, she's herself as the parent and the children will also see her as the parent too. The 9 year old is old enough to be aware of their situation.
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Government s need to implement some sort of intelligence/competence test, b fore people have children.as we.live I n a world already over populated and have millions of children in the world that are homeless or in orphanages, an countries charge people s**t ton of money to adopt them.( Almost sounds like human trafficking imho.) Get outta there young lady. And don't feel guilty.
I feel this in my soul, my dad married some woman from Puerto Rico who wanted a huge family but didn't want the responsibility. Not only did she take my dad away from me, she decided to throw her kids at me, I looked after them since I was 10/11. While they went to do whatever. The b***h didn't even work, she slept and ate all day, then made me get a job since dad worked from 5 AM to almost 2 AM sometimes. I had to juggle 2 jobs, watch HER kids and look after the animals they stopped caring about. Left the state the first chance I got after meeting someone online. Honestly did not care about what happened to me or anyone else, I just had to get out. Been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years now, and aside from the PTSD and anxiety/depression, I couldn't be happier. No child/teen should have their childhood/youth years taken because of their selfish parents and their poor life choices. Go for it girl. Leave and don't look back. It'll hurt for a while. But do it for you.
This is a very sad story...now this young girl has said she doesn't want children of her own she wa to to have her tubes tied-her mother has not only taken her youth her freedom,her independence and her LIFE,but now has taken away her chances at experiencing motherhood that obly giving birth can allow. The mother is the selfish one and not planning what will happen to her youngest children when her eldest daughter eventually is not there to take care of them. I feel these youngest children will be in serious danger when the eldest moves out, be it now or later, or WILL eventually happen...its inevitable, the girl isn't married to the mother of those children, she's not their parent, nor her spouse, she will have to leave one day, for one reason or another.. but no one is actually making plans for the youngest children... what's she gonna leave the 9 year old in charge?? That won't end well..I think someone should call child services before it even gets to the point of an injury.
OP U are a brave & loving person talk to your siblings & explain to them that U LOVE them & that U are MOVING Out. U will need to get HELP for your Siblings from Social Services. U are still young & maybe one day U will change your mind about having a child & or children. I will be Praying for U, your Siblings & your Mum🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
I was the oldest of seven. My mom was a mess. I married and moved 3000 miles away when I was 19. I’m 62 and they are fine.
Seems to me that the original poster's mom started partying and carrying on after Dad left. Perhaps she needs some therapy to cope with the fact that she's a single parent. It's not the OP's responsibility to raise her siblings, but I'd be afraid to leave them in mom's care unless she agreed to get some help with the emotional adjustment because it sounds to me like she's having more kids to avoid feeling old and unwanted.
This young woman should say to her mother "How do you figure you have the right to have five illegitimate babies and make your oldest child take care of them?" Her mother is a sociopathic s**t.
What a position to be in! I think the best thing she can do is move out but still make time for the kids. Just not as much time. Slowly start gaining her independence but keep in contact because they all need each other. I’d love to meet the mother and have a few choice words for her. Good luck but you need to break away a little at a time.
She should tell mom to place an add for a full time live in nanny/housekeeper/tutor in exchange for free room, board and a stipend for personal use. It's how she has been treating her, so she doesn't have the grounds to throw a fit about it. She'll get what she wants. Daughter gets some peace of mind that the kids are cared for since mom is apparently a train wreck (at least where her kids are concerned.) I'm proud of OP for taking a stand and making the decision to move out. She's far too young to be stuck at home raising kids, let alone kids that aren't her's.
NTA. Your mom is a gargantuan one as well as a user and abuser of you. You need to get out ASAP no matter how attached you are to your siblings. Honestly, the best thing you can do is contact child services and inform them of the current situation, how it's about to change, and your very real concerns. Hopefully, they will agree to monitor the situation and if need be, remove them and place them in foster care if she fails to get her act together. You cannot allow your mom to destroy your future so she can continue to party and be any random guy's seed garden...
Umm, what do you mean by "as soon as you can convince a Doctor?" Who TF are they to decide whether you should get your tubes tied or not? Frack that misogynistic bullsh*t! Find yourself a childless female Doctor and you are not likely to have this problem.
Ah the narcissistic family trope. "Look what you've done/ made me do" bla bla bla and it works on young adults because young women are raised to waste half their life to be "nice" especially to people who don't deserve it
I was in a similar situation, but my mother wasn't nearly so awful about it - she just needed help. But once I started cheer, drama club and speech & debate, I simply didn't have TIME to care for HER children. My next sibling is only 18 months younger & I learned to change his diaper when I was about 3. Finally had enough & told her I had a life and wasn't going to be her Nanny any longer. Huge blowup and I ran away (I was 13). Of course she called the police and I went to Juvenile Hall for removing myself from the home. Yeah - I went to KID JAIL for refusing to care for her children. I ended up moving to my Dad's. We're fine now, but never once has she owned up to the whole issue.
I agree you did not choose to have them kids and although you love your siblings very much you need to have a life of your own it is not up to you to be their mom your mom laid down and spread her legs to have those kids she needs to step up and take care of them I would move out and call child protective services like these other people are saying
Does the mother even get child support? She's got the time to get ready n go to a party. Is she spending money on things that could go to an actual nanny? It's in England so there are advantages the mom could access that would help support her. I'm guessing tho it's not about the money she's paid from which ever job she has. Sounds like she has the kids to gain attention from others and it fills some void she isn't filling in a better way. A healthier way. And having her eldest play house in her mind gives her permission to go out and live cause the little ones "are taken care of" and she sees it as she's the one taking care of it all making her eldest do everything. That has me wondering if the mom is on services and gets money from that allotment or if she really does work? If the daughter takes the four kiddos to work with her to watch them where is mom? Repeat question of where are the dads? OP is twenty she's supposed to be in school learning from mistakes while learning life.
What is so infuriating is that she needs to convince a doctor for the tie up. The doctor is not to decide this, they're there to facilitate
How does the mom have to the nerve to say that shes spoiled and that she needs her and than go to a party and leave the kids with her? Not only that but the fact that she told the kids that she was leaving them behind in order to get them on her side. She NEEDS to tell someone about how her mom is acting.
I feel sorry for the OP. Personally, I would probably call Child Services, let them know what's going on in the house and take my siblings with me
How about if OP leaves like everyone is recommending, but as she goes, tells every single member of the family the situation and says, "hate me if you like, but I'm not taking care of the children anymore. Mom needs to take proper care on them and I don't think she will. So you need to keep checking in on the kids to make sure they're not being neglected or abused." And OP can occasionally check in too, and if neglect, abuse, or parentification of the kids is apparent, call child welfare. This can give an extra safety net to the young kids since they clearly are in a bad situation but OP might be hesitant to put them in the foster system.
NTA! Mom needs to keep her legs closed! You didn't state your mom's age, but YOU are way more responsible at 20 than she is! You need to and deserve to have your own life. She just wants free child care from you while she's out partying and probably getting pregnant again as we speak. Move out and when you do, leave a box of condoms!
That responsibility will now fall on the 9 year old smh. I feel so bad for her but child services will be involved soon.
Toxic situation. negotiating with this parent is likely futile. This is textbook verbal abuse toward you, and neglect of your siblings. If you stay, you will lose a lifetime of opportunities to take care of yourself, find good work, education, adult partnership and like me when 50, will have nothing to show for a lifetime of toil but angry siblings and God forbid your mother Is still alive, continued manipulation of the people you most care for. It is your birthright to seek self-sufficiency, w/all the effort that entails, takes a single woman years to gain security, most progress and opportunities happen in your 20s when healthy and have energy. Don't waste another moment, your siblings will require more than diaper changes in 10 yrs + you want to be prepared if your mother doesn't rise to the challenge. Seek assistance from other adults to assist your mother so you can extract yourself. Help yourself, then family. You deserve reciprocity in all efforts, + won't ever find it here
This might as well have been my fiancée, it took her until 24 though, but her mom laid the same trip on her sisters, who in turn both moved out before they turned 18. Difference is my fiancée wanted her own kid, but never had the chance.
This Mother should have thought about all the work a 9..5..3 year old and 10 month old are going to be til they are of age if the husband was around or not..It is in NO WAY the responsibility of the 20 year old oldest Daughter to be the main provider in their care..NO MATTER how many guilt trips the mother tries to lay on her..When does the mother figure she will no longer require her Wonderful oldest Daughter's help ??..When the 9 year old is of age (using 18 as legal age) the older Daughter will be 29..5 year old..Daughter 33..3 year old..Daughter 35 and the 10 month old..the Daughter 37. Does this ungrateful Mother expect her Giving Caring Wonderful Daughter to spend half her adult life taking care of her mother's children ??..She must have been dropped on her head..it's ALL the mother's responsibility..I'm a Father of 4 divorced..All my Kids moved in when I bought a house..Coached Minor Sports 25 years...Move out Darling. Let Mom do her own work
This must be happening alot. My neighbor has 10 kids and the older ones take care of the 5 younger ones. The family has just recently moved out of the mother's/ grandmother's house. It was so sad after the kids were home all day taking care of younger ones by and so called mom no would come home telling the older ones to clean this go cook. Do the laundry. Asking if they are f... King stupid. And on top of all of this they had a dog they kept in a crate all day long. My heart broke for those children.
Move out and take the kids with you and tell your egg donor to go f**k herself. I know that you don't want to actually do that because of your age, but those kids would be way better off.
The youngest is 10 months... She's in her 20s and the youngest is 10 months... And NONE of the dads are in the kids lives. Boy she sure knows how to pick em. What a garbage human being and i can tell from the language this girl uses that she's from the UK where contraceptive is FREE and she still isn't using it. Probably getting knocked up for more universal credit.
Forced sterilization or birth control is NOT the answer. Better sex education (even though too late to help here) IS the answer.
How is better sex education going to help here? The mum clearly knows how sex works by now yet does not care about the responsibilities that go along with having a child because the OP will look after them for her while she parties. Sterilization is probably the only thing that will work because she does not care about using birth control.
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This is so sad. Her mom is making her shoulder all the responsibility while she goes partying. I am sorry I know you love them kids, and maybe your the only real love and care they get. But your mom needs to grow up. She made love with out safety, and she will do it again. He tubes need tied. And she needs to stay home at night and fix supper plus house work and care for HER kids!! Dumpling them in your lap is the single your allowing her to not be the responsible mom she should be. She acts like a 18 year old and has a cow when you decide your turn. My question is does she pay you at all? I would not hate her that's to easy. But I'd lay the laws down and help her see what a mess she's made and dumped in your lap. Please call child support and get your mom some help and these kids. She should be getting child support from each father that got her pregnant. And then work part time so she can be home with her kids. But if she didn't want them then it was her choice. Mom grow up!!
All of this and then the "as soon as I can convince a doctor to let me get my tubes tied" line, just as the frosting on the cake to remind everyone "Oh yeah, total tangent, but women don't get to control their own bodies, so, ya know, enjoy living in the society that withholds that autonomy"
I understand from where she and her mother is coming. Her mother is irresponsible. She made her daughter codependent by leaning on her as an equal and expecting her to mother these siblings. It's natural to care for your younger siblings and looking after them occasionally when mom goes to work at night or out to dinner. When it becomes a way of life, it's unhealthy. It stifles the young lady's potential and could spread to the younger children. She's right to leave. I hope she'll be alright.
I am 8 years older than my little sister. My mom pretty much left childcare to me when I wasn't in school, as a result my sister and I were very close. When I went away to college my sister went into a deep depression. The school insisted she see a psychologist, who told our mother that she had never bonded with her, and she was bonded to me, as a parental figure. The doctor recommended therapy but Mom couldn't face the idea that someone might find out her daughter was in therapy, especially as a result of her behavior. So, instead of getting therapy for my sister, she worked day and night to drive a wedge between us. It worked. She and my sister became very close, I was treated as an after thought and in many respects, sp were my daughters. Mom is gone now, I'm in my 60's and my sister is not in my life anymore. When OP says her mother is talking against her, it can end in a very sad situation.
I am the youngest in my family. But my cousin is the oldest in hers. She had two younger siblings. She babysat them since she was like 8....I remember her screaming at them a lot. Well.. she was a child and raising kids is hard. An 8 year old shouldn't be doing that. Even as a kid I saw how unfair my aunt was.
NTA./ Since you mentioned you're getting a 'flat', i'm going to assume you're British. You mother sounds like one of many of the mothers in the UK who understand that they can have a kid and get 5yrs of paid living at home from the government until the kid starts primary school, then the parent is supposed to go back to work. Instead, they just pop out another sprog, that's another 5years of free living on the government. It sounds like this is her chosen profession, which means no matter what you do, she will not care for these children and she WILL neglect them. Unless you're willing to give up your whole life raising her kids until she finally hits menopause, call social services and have your siblings removed from her care. It sound horrifying, but it's likely the best for everyone. You and the kids both need and deserve better. Report her for child neglect, and the second your sibling tells you she left them alone to go party, report her for abandonment.
Maybe I don't understand the system but I thought that if someone has stopped work to have a baby they are entitled to get Working Tax Credit for the first 39 weeks of maternity (or adoption) leave and the period of ordinary paternity leave. Then there is child benefit. At £14 for any additional child after the first the 'many mothers' aren't going to get rich. It barely covers basics. The Benefit Cap applies if they get Housing Benefit or the housing element of Universal Credit. Though frankly any country that provides a safety net will have some who take advantage of the system. Better that then children suffering.
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Where are the fathers? If the mother can’t or won’t parent, the onus cannot be on the older children. The fathers should be providing both material and financial support. There’s dna testing now so establishing paternity is always possible.
It's hard to put your life on hold when others your age are seemingly having fun and living care free l But the truth is at the end of the day your still quite young a baby just learning how to live. One day your siblings will look back on this time and recall the sacrifice you made for them. We can't predict the future, still knowing that we are a part of something greater then ourselves, is a reason to be proud and praised. If you walk away now, yes you will be free, but your heart and your conscience will convict you, as you have already shown your strength and love fir those little ones who are vulnerable and very much in need of your patience and guidance. It's not easy but it is rewarding pray and ask God for the strength, endurance and courage to stay and fight for your family. There is honor in that we sacrifice not for freedom but for the legacy of family.
I think (just an opinion) she should take her siblings with her when she moves out and get all the benefits of raising them. Is the mother benefiting from them and just partying it away? Op already thinks the mother can't do the job anyways. It's always an option. I know she wants her freedom, though. Good luck to her, whatever she decides.
The OP doesn't want to do that. She is tired of the responsibility, and wants to live the independent life of a normal young adult, not be 100% responsible for the children she never chose to have. I mean it would be better for the little ones than their hopelessly irresponsible parents, but crushing for the OP.
Load More Replies... This is terrible. Get out. Be a wonderful sister. But please don't get your tubes tied, that would be horrible too - for you. Find a partner who doesn't want kids either and if they produce sperm, have them get a vasectomy. Much smaller procedure and less repercussions.
The damage is done; her mother destroyed her maternal instinct. It's probably for the best because her mother's psychopathic personality disorder could be hereditary.
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Look at that! Instead of writing something original and new, you guys just copy pasted right off of Reddit! You’re making advertising revenue off of the back of a 19 who has spent her whole life being taken advantage of. So you guys are taking advantage of someone already being taken advantage of. I’m sure you got her permission, right?
I'm HORRIFIED that ComprehensiveState11 got 4.1k upvotes for saying "Your mother should have used lots of birth control (or kept her legs closed) seriously.", but absolutely NO ONE, Male OR Female pointed out that there are fathers to Each And Every Single Child in question here. Not ONE. It saddens me beyond comprehension that in 2022 the woman is still being blamed for pregnancy alone. This mother is s**t shamed or called irresponsible but the fathers are overlooked by both the Reddit And the professional sources sighted by the author of this Bored Panda post. So the issue is left to remain between the mother and daughter wholly. Indeed, this mother sounds unqualified to be a parent to children of any age in her current state of selfishness and entitled manipulation tactics. It's Insane people are first defaulting to govt. services before holding the fathers responsible in Any way. Dads are 50% responsible no matter What they feel about mom, it's not the kid's fault.
I see a number of comments about the fathers (I even posted several myself), but I see--and love!--your point. It is just one of myriad examples of how women are vilified and have VERY different standards placed upon them from birth onward. Patriarchal societies write history, make the rules, and even tell everyone how to interpret events from the MAN'S point of view. No wonder society is turning in on itself.
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You truly ARE an idiot, aren't you? And childless, thank god.
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You obviously have no idea about toxic family dynamics. I am amazed at how much families manipulate and abuse kind hearted members. Good friends never leave but toxic family members always abuse. She can move out and still keep some kind of relationship with her siblings, even eventually have them move in with her. If the mother isn't capable of raising the children, child services should step in. She has been abused by her mother for the pass 9 years being put in that situation. She needs to take care herself on all levels or she won't be doing her younger siblings any good. Just cause she has had all the responsibility of raising those kids doesn't mean they are being raised to be self sufficient adults. She's a child herself. A child isn't capable of raising another child to be a well adjusted adult because they are not an adult. This situation is so wrong on many levels.
Load More Replies... I feel so sorry for this young woman. It's easy to tell her to go and live her life, but she's effectively the mother of these four young kids, and it sounds like she is the only stable person they have. Her leaving could be devastating for them, not only emotionally, but in the fact that their actual mother doesn't appear to take care of them. If she leaves and things go bad for the kids, she will blame herself. If she calls child protective services the kids may be taken into foster care and separated. There's no way to give this story a happy ending. The first person who needs her tubes tied is the mother.
Still, not her responsibility. She never asked for that role, and her selfish bïtch of a mother should be excoriated for putting her in it. I WAS that girl, as well, growing up. My 5 siblings ended up growing up to think demanding everything from and using me was normal bc my mother did it. So, after my endless toil to care for them and ensure they were safe and healthy, they STILL ended up angry at me when I finally stopped providing them with money and care years after they were MARRIED. This is a whole disaster and this girl needs to get TF away from the woman who spat her out bc she will be their servants forever if she can't throw down the hard boundaries.
Load More Replies... This is a no win situation. The mother should be forced to be sterilized. This poor young lady needs to be able to live her life as she wishes but I am afraid that she is going to carry so much guilt that mentally and emotionally she will never be okay, especially if something happens to one of her siblings. This is so sad.
I don't agree with the forced part but I think that the last part is probably right
Load More Replies... Move out and away as fast as possible. Then call Child Protective Services.
I don't think the OP can do that. She loves her siblings and can't just dump them. She'd spend most of her time worrying about them so it wouldn't be much of a new life. She needs to move away, but to be able to keep in touch with her siblings. In the UK the social services would make sure this contact can be maintained, but I don't know about the situation in the US. Child protection services need to be called in. As someone else has said, the responsibility will just be passed onto the next oldest when the OP moves out. That won't solve the problem which is the mother of all these kids. The experts will know how best to handle the situation. Get them involved.
Load More Replies... I'm someone who was in both shoes, and I'm livid for this girl. My bio mother had 6 kids (I was the oldest) with (at least) 4 different men and I was expected to raise them, discipline them, keep them clean and fed and safe, plus do all the house chores, cooking, cleaning, etc. I resented the hell out of it, and am now estranged from that entire side of the family because the exploitation by her AND those siblings continued into my adulthood. But I was also a single mother of three children with no assistance after my ex decided to go MIA out of spite bc I divorced him. So...I've been on both sides. But you know what? My children never asked to be born, and if their nasty fück of a father couldn't be there for them, then there wasn't an alternative. Sure, my oldest (who was 5 and 6.5 years older than the other two) stepped up to help me with small things, but I never made her have to care for them. Not her responsibility. It was MINE and, hard as it was, it was MINE ALONE.
I always get too emotional and upset when kids are involved and suffer under adults selfish and disgusting behavior. And by that I mean OPs childhood too. Poor girl. This is abusive and manipulative coming from someone who (of course) has no insight or self awareness. Doesn't seem like she learned anything in her adult life and has total lack of responsibility. I am pretty sure she sees it differently. By the sounds of it she always had a scapegoat within her daughter and has no moral issues doing to her all this crap. If I had to guess, I would even go as far as saying she doesn't even see her kids as her responsibility because she doesn't see herself as a caregiver. In her mind it's the other way around. I bet she had these children for one porpoise - keeping men tied to her. Dumb, didn't work either, so she doesn't really want anything to do with them, because they "didn't work". People like her are the reason I am for psychological evaluation before granted the right to have a child.
One of my childhood best friends was in the situation like this but worse (alcoholic parents and older brothers, poverty etc). She dreamt about moving out to a bigger city and studying but she was feeling worried and guilty about leaving her younger siblings and mom. So in the end she stayed, didn't study, didn't move to a bigger city. Her life could have been so much better. That is why I'm saying: move out. Start the life you want. Follow your dreams. But you don't have to leave your family behind. Come to see them regularly. Have an adult talk with your mom to make certain limits. See how it goes. Ask for help from outside if needed. But please don't get stuck just like my friend did.
I used to know a girl who jumped in a very unfortunate marriage being 19 years old, just to run away from a similar situation.
I was that girl in my teens. I was left to care for my two younger siblings so my mom could work/go to school/party. I raised my brothers until I was 16. The final straw for me was when my mom's boyfriend told me that my mom was bragging to everyone at a party that I wasn't allowed to leave until I was done raising her kids. I had no life outside of school and home. I felt awful for leaving my brothers, but I needed to be free. My mom eventually let my brothers go live with their dad, and unfortunately their home life didn't improve much. In fact, it got worse. I blame myself for how everything turned out. How was I supposed to know what would happen?
You're not to blame for your mother being an irresponsible user.
Load More Replies... I know how this girl feels! There is a fifteen and sixteen year gap between myself and my younger siblings! I had absolutely no life after they were born. Once I graduated from high school I left as soon as I could!
I'm so sorry to hear this. It's truly incredible how much variance there can be in parents' senses of responsibility. It's as vast as the oceans. And it's almost always subsequent generations who pay for the bad ones.
Load More Replies... I think the "where are the fathers" parts is pretty telling. It's easy to try and blame the mother to be neglectfull, and she clearly is, but it takes two to have a child. If the fathers were decent they would care for the childs or at least pay pension so a nanny can take care of them...
I hate to make negative predictions because if they turn out to be correct, it will look like another case of self-fulfilling prophecy....but, be prepared for some massive histrionics: it's all your fault that Child Protection put the kids in foster care, your siblings will be encouraged to cling to your clothes while sobbing, ''Don't leave us!!!'', relatives who usually can't be bothered to even visit will be whispering to you how you're ruining the lives of babes, etc. etc. If you fall for any of this, the next round won,t be far away and it will definitely be worse, sort of like an angler hauling in a really big fish. If he pulls too hard, the fish will snap the line, so the angler cuts him some slack before the next round of pulling. Eventually, the fish is so exhausted that it allows itself to be pulled into the boat without struggling. Beware!
When I was 18, my parents decided to adopt. The program they were in required that they get verbal consent from anyone else living in the house, and since I was still going to school, I lived at home. They asked me, and I said I didn't mind as long as I wouldn't be expected to babysit. I was planning for college soon, and I wanted to focus on my studies, not be a mom. I assumed it would be an issue, since my parents both worked. They basically said, 'no, you're going to babysit, we only asked because we were forced to.' They went ahead and adopted two kids. Flash forward 20 years, my sister just had a baby last year, but she's also struggling to get her sh*t together due to behavioral issues. Single parent. My mom asked me if I would be willing to adopt the baby if it turned out my sister couldn't hack it on her own. I said no.
So the mum likes partying and wants the daughter to take responsibility for the fact she couldn't keep her legs closed ?? She never heard the term birth control?? If she didnt want kids she should have stopped at the first girl...I mean the age difference btwn 1st n 2nd should have been enough time to figure out wtf she wanted in her life...OP is NTA but sure as hell the mum is a big one and quite the ungrateful entitled asshat...
Dude...takes TWO to make babies. I agree the daughter is NTA, but let's take a moment to remember these sperm-doner fücks have responsibility as well!
Load More Replies... PLEASE don't get your tubes tied yet! You're only 20 and your mom has a LOT to do with the way you're feeling right now. You might get married in 10 years and change your mind if you have a man you want to have children with. An IUD or implant will work fine for now. If you still feel this way when you're in your 30s, then go for it. DON'T let anyone tell you a tubiligation is reversible, because it may not be. As far as leaving---live your life!!! You should be the one partying, not your mom. She's taken advantage of you for 9 years. Talk to your sibs and tell them that you're going away to school, like you should've done at 18. I'm betting your mom doesn't work, and is getting government assistance. She's using funds intended for those kids to party. She is negligent and doesn't need those babies. There are PLENTY of women who can't have their own children that can take the 4 in together. CPS will terminate her parental rights if she doesn't get her s**t together. Call them please!
Thank U P.W. that's Exactly 💯 what I was Thinking.
Load More Replies... I worry about this all the time. Am I relying on my oldest too much? I always ask if he's ok to watch his siblings for a little bit(an hour or less), and he always gets some kind of reward for it, extra allowance or screen time or something. I wish there was a clear line on things like this. It was normal for me and my friends growing up that our oldest siblings would be put in charge sometimes but the more stories i read like this make me wonder if putting your oldest in this position at all is a bad idea
It sounds like you're doing okay. If you have the awareness to recognize how you're treating your oldest, and you're asking him how he feels, I don't think you need to worry. I am also an oldest, though I have only one sibling. When my sister was born, I was suddenly a miniature adult. I couldn't make mistakes because "you're supposed to be a good example for your sister". Any time she was in trouble was my fault because "why weren't you watching your sister?" I was still a child myself, still developing and growing, but somehow, having a younger sibling negated that. I didn't have a role model, but I was somehow expected to be one. My sister is merely three years younger than me. A toddler barely recognizes they have emotions. Yes, a five-year-old will know some things better than a two-year-old, but I'm still FIVE. I don't suddenly have flawless emotional control because little sister is watching. I still misbehaved, acted out, had tantrums because I was still a child! If that's not your oldest, you're doing good.
Load More Replies... Sounds like the mother seriously needs to grow up and take responsibility. Giving up the party lifestyle to take on the full burden of parenthood might not be a lot of fun, but *you're* the one who decided to have kids. Dumping the job one of your kids who would have been a minor at the time and then trying to emotionally blackmail them for wanting to be free of responsibilities they never should have had to take on in the first place is unbelievably selfish and juvenile.
The mother won't change into the ideal mother. Where are the fathers? They're the ones who need to save their children from neglect, not an older half-sister!
Load More Replies... What's going to happen when she's done having kids and you are no longer needed. You will not be living out your 20's. This is your time to work on your future. Putting more time into school is easier now while you are young. I finished college in my late 30's but it was hard while I was then working long hours too. I had more commitments at that age because I waited. She's asking you to put your life on hold so she can keep doing whatever she wants. I'm sorry she's doing that to you.
This is one of those questions that I feel like...you already know the answer. Of course it isn't your responsibility. The fact that your mom has 4 children under 12 was not your choice to make and therefore shouldn't be your respoinsibility. She should be grateful that you've helped as long as you have and encourage you to be able to go and live your life. My brother was a drug addict for a long time and my parents owned a home. My grandmother was ill and needed full time help, so they wanted to rent out the house to the 2 of us, and I was really angry they put it on me to say yes because he couldn't afford it on his own. I was really excited about moving out on my own but it was like they wanted me to live with an adddict in order to make it possible for him to stay living there and for them to keep the house while they went to take care of my grandmother. I did it, and i regretted it because he ended up having an OD in the house and died. Now I'll never be able to forget that.
You can't live with a drug addict. They will steal everything you have, often by force, and stay up all night sleep depriving everyone in the house. Then they will sleep for 48 hours. They will never keep a job for more than a week at most. And in some states you will have to go to court for a year to legally get them out.
Load More Replies... Wow, I was in her shoes. I was the older sister who did the parenting. I feel everything she's saying. For her mental well being, she needs to leave. And she needs to get therapy. Sounds like the mother is a narcissistic. I'll never forget my mother leaving at 1am with a bottle of wine. I felt like the parent. Asking where she was going...
The only @sshole is the mother who is having children when she knows she hasn't got the skills to run a household.
There's also the fathers, who are doing even less for their children than the mothers. They're assholes, too, even if they have so little contact with their offspring that they don't realize that they are.
Load More Replies... I'm a 51 year old mother of four (20F, 25M, 31M and a son who died in 2018 and would have been 32 this year) and I feel awful for this young woman. I was a terrible, alcoholic mother and I did parentify my sons, but I never expected them to raise their siblings. I expected way too much of them, but not that. On behalf of all sh***y mothers everywhere, I'm so very sorry to this young woman.
I am so impressed with your decision to accept responsibility, Wendy. So few parents do. I was what everyone considered a "terrific mother", & I STILL have so many regrets over the mistakes I DID make that I find myself constantly apologizing for them even now. I think the biggest thing we must remember, as mothers, is that we did the best we could AT THE TIME. As my therapist says, "If you were a parent now, of course you'd do SOME things differently--because you have lived a lot more & know a lot more than you did then. Would you blame ANYONE ELSE for doing things the way they did, based on things they DIDN'T KNOW at the time? So why are you blaming YOURSELF?" I just think we ALL owe ourselves some compassion. Being a mother--from conception forward--is a very unique, complicated, & mostly thankless situation. We rarely take into account the HUMAN in the MOTHER. Society doesn't expect women to still be individuals with needs & wants after they become parents. It's so unfair.
Load More Replies... Just make sure you let your siblings know that if they ever need you that you are a phone call away. She keeps popping them out she needs to actually become a mom. If you weren't there then she would have to be. It isn't your responsibility to raise her children. Change your phone number don't let her know where you live. She will dump the kids on you any chance she gets.
I know so many people who treat their kids as nothing more than free labor that they feel they're owed. Even avoid my partner's mother because that's all family is to that woman. And what's worse is that she tries to use the BS psychobabble that is "Love Languages" to excuse her behavior.
Her mother needs to grow up and put on her big girl panties. I think OP, needs to move out. There's nothing stopping her from having sleepovers with her siblings (in her home). She can have dinner with her family a couple of times a week. This way she'll have her freedom (which she clearly has earned) and still be there for her siblings. There are no perfect solutions, but I think these actions would be good for everyone.
Da ja vu! I went through this exact situation. The script doesn't change. Sadly, even after 30 years my siblings still resent me for leaving them. They are in their 40s still holding onto the bitterness my mother sowed. Her passing away did not kill the venom spewed. They don't always get over the change. She just upped the anty.
Their version of Social Services must be made aware of this situation so they can give the "mother" fair warning of the consequences she will face if she continues her current behavior.
Go to welfare check people, i don't know what you called them but those people who check on the welfare of kids living in the house. Now let's see what's your mom gonna do about it
My mom did the same thing, three younger sisters, and three older brothers. But as the eldest girl, I did the dipers and feedings, teaching, etc. After parents divorced, I decided to stay with womever my youngest sisters got custody of (my dad), and my mom accused me of stealing her children... forcing her into poverty (less child support because she refused to get jobs)... abandoning her... and other horrible things. Made me suicidal dealing with that and my child molester father who wanted to give custody of us to his theiving boyfriend. Your mother will survive, and as painful as it is... escape and keep Child Protective Services number at the ready.
I hope her mother doesn't continue to abuse her as the mother grows older it could get worst.. or one or more of the siblings in the future who can't cope with their own lives. It breaks my heart and will steal her life by taking her youth, her money and mental health. She MUST LEARN TO SAY NO TODAY!!!
This poor girl is definitely dealing with a narcissistic mother unfortunately, that is one of their tactics is trying to guilt you by telling others that you must be doing this because you don't love them. They especially love to use children as pawns because they are so impressionable. They also "need" a target someone to play their game all the time and take everything out on them. They are also extremely controlling and manipulative. If she leaves the torch will be passed to the next in line. That shouldn't fall on her shoulders but is also no way for the others to be raised. Narcissists are so hard to break free of, she will forever be guilt tripped she just needs to go live her own life. Maybe she can get visitation rights considering the circumstances but if she's not taking care of them they will probably get put into state custody.
Perhaps, as a leaving present, she should give her "mother" a pack of condoms. If you can't take care of 4 more children, don't have 4 more children. I hope the siblings will understand that she is not leaving them behind by any means. Where is the father by the way?
But she IS leaving them behind, she wants and has the right to live the comparatively carefree life of a young adult, and stop being her irresponsible mother's enabler! She wants her mother to step up and care for her own damn kids, not keep offloading responsibility onto her, which she absolutely WILL do. The OP has to learn to say "no", as she can't keep being responsible for all the siblings when she's living on her own and supporting herself, and it's going to be terribly hard on the younger siblings no matter what but that isn't the OP's fault. It's the fault of the mother, and the absent fathers.
Load More Replies... Are you kidding me? The mom is mad that she'll be the one who will have to be the mom for once? Don't have kids if you can't take care of them. Use your brain dumb*ss (talking to the mom, not op) OP should definitely get TF out of there.
Which is all the more unnerving because it's turning tragedy into comedy and entertainment.
Load More Replies... I would consider taking full Physical and Full Legal Custody of the Minor Siblings you have been doing it anyway. Have the mom pay child support and half daycare costs. Give mom supervised visitation. Sign up for any programs that help you like affordable housing Wick ect. Also, find father and force him to pay the same as well as it's his legal obligation too. Hire a babysitter when you want to go out with friends. I don't believe your concious will allow you to not be guilt free since you are emotionally attached and see yourself as mom. Especially as this hinderence bestowed on you by your real mom has you twisted to want to tie your tubes. That's disheartening. You might regret that one day. If a great man comes in your life and wants kids you Will regret that decision. Wait untill 39 to 40 for that decision and just use birth control. If the responsibility is to much to hear raising siblings longer. Find the closest responsible family member to help take custody. I.E.grandma Aunt
Except she doesn't *want* full physical and legal custody of four young siblings, she wants to be freed from the responsibility of raising them so she can live the life of a normal young adult.
Load More Replies... If she calls child services the odds are that they're either going to be taken and separated.. and if mom doesn't get her s**t together the kids could end up separated forever and adopted into new homes. Or they won't do anything because DCS loves to neglect cases where kids are also being neglected and abused and they seem to take children from homes that aren't abusive.. they're a mess of an organization who can never seem to do what's best for the children under their care.. so I would not call DCS but maybe try to find some other source of support if she's worried the kids will be neglected after she leaves. This is a tough spot. Obviously someone of authority needs to know about what is going on here. But if it were me.. I'd probably take my mother to court and try to get custody of the kids myself and go after her for child support because I would not want my siblings to be separated and to be put into potentially more abusive foster homes. There is no right answer here.
I honestly think the best thing for the poster and the children would be if the poster got full custody. Social services has the power to grant family members custody rights. If the mother can't get her act together she should call social services and take full legal custody. Honestly, she's herself as the parent and the children will also see her as the parent too. The 9 year old is old enough to be aware of their situation.
Load More Replies... Government s need to implement some sort of intelligence/competence test, b fore people have children.as we.live I n a world already over populated and have millions of children in the world that are homeless or in orphanages, an countries charge people s**t ton of money to adopt them.( Almost sounds like human trafficking imho.) Get outta there young lady. And don't feel guilty.
I feel this in my soul, my dad married some woman from Puerto Rico who wanted a huge family but didn't want the responsibility. Not only did she take my dad away from me, she decided to throw her kids at me, I looked after them since I was 10/11. While they went to do whatever. The b***h didn't even work, she slept and ate all day, then made me get a job since dad worked from 5 AM to almost 2 AM sometimes. I had to juggle 2 jobs, watch HER kids and look after the animals they stopped caring about. Left the state the first chance I got after meeting someone online. Honestly did not care about what happened to me or anyone else, I just had to get out. Been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years now, and aside from the PTSD and anxiety/depression, I couldn't be happier. No child/teen should have their childhood/youth years taken because of their selfish parents and their poor life choices. Go for it girl. Leave and don't look back. It'll hurt for a while. But do it for you.
This is a very sad story...now this young girl has said she doesn't want children of her own she wa to to have her tubes tied-her mother has not only taken her youth her freedom,her independence and her LIFE,but now has taken away her chances at experiencing motherhood that obly giving birth can allow. The mother is the selfish one and not planning what will happen to her youngest children when her eldest daughter eventually is not there to take care of them. I feel these youngest children will be in serious danger when the eldest moves out, be it now or later, or WILL eventually happen...its inevitable, the girl isn't married to the mother of those children, she's not their parent, nor her spouse, she will have to leave one day, for one reason or another.. but no one is actually making plans for the youngest children... what's she gonna leave the 9 year old in charge?? That won't end well..I think someone should call child services before it even gets to the point of an injury.
OP U are a brave & loving person talk to your siblings & explain to them that U LOVE them & that U are MOVING Out. U will need to get HELP for your Siblings from Social Services. U are still young & maybe one day U will change your mind about having a child & or children. I will be Praying for U, your Siblings & your Mum🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
I was the oldest of seven. My mom was a mess. I married and moved 3000 miles away when I was 19. I’m 62 and they are fine.
Seems to me that the original poster's mom started partying and carrying on after Dad left. Perhaps she needs some therapy to cope with the fact that she's a single parent. It's not the OP's responsibility to raise her siblings, but I'd be afraid to leave them in mom's care unless she agreed to get some help with the emotional adjustment because it sounds to me like she's having more kids to avoid feeling old and unwanted.
This young woman should say to her mother "How do you figure you have the right to have five illegitimate babies and make your oldest child take care of them?" Her mother is a sociopathic s**t.
What a position to be in! I think the best thing she can do is move out but still make time for the kids. Just not as much time. Slowly start gaining her independence but keep in contact because they all need each other. I’d love to meet the mother and have a few choice words for her. Good luck but you need to break away a little at a time.
She should tell mom to place an add for a full time live in nanny/housekeeper/tutor in exchange for free room, board and a stipend for personal use. It's how she has been treating her, so she doesn't have the grounds to throw a fit about it. She'll get what she wants. Daughter gets some peace of mind that the kids are cared for since mom is apparently a train wreck (at least where her kids are concerned.) I'm proud of OP for taking a stand and making the decision to move out. She's far too young to be stuck at home raising kids, let alone kids that aren't her's.
NTA. Your mom is a gargantuan one as well as a user and abuser of you. You need to get out ASAP no matter how attached you are to your siblings. Honestly, the best thing you can do is contact child services and inform them of the current situation, how it's about to change, and your very real concerns. Hopefully, they will agree to monitor the situation and if need be, remove them and place them in foster care if she fails to get her act together. You cannot allow your mom to destroy your future so she can continue to party and be any random guy's seed garden...
Umm, what do you mean by "as soon as you can convince a Doctor?" Who TF are they to decide whether you should get your tubes tied or not? Frack that misogynistic bullsh*t! Find yourself a childless female Doctor and you are not likely to have this problem.
Ah the narcissistic family trope. "Look what you've done/ made me do" bla bla bla and it works on young adults because young women are raised to waste half their life to be "nice" especially to people who don't deserve it
I was in a similar situation, but my mother wasn't nearly so awful about it - she just needed help. But once I started cheer, drama club and speech & debate, I simply didn't have TIME to care for HER children. My next sibling is only 18 months younger & I learned to change his diaper when I was about 3. Finally had enough & told her I had a life and wasn't going to be her Nanny any longer. Huge blowup and I ran away (I was 13). Of course she called the police and I went to Juvenile Hall for removing myself from the home. Yeah - I went to KID JAIL for refusing to care for her children. I ended up moving to my Dad's. We're fine now, but never once has she owned up to the whole issue.
I agree you did not choose to have them kids and although you love your siblings very much you need to have a life of your own it is not up to you to be their mom your mom laid down and spread her legs to have those kids she needs to step up and take care of them I would move out and call child protective services like these other people are saying
Does the mother even get child support? She's got the time to get ready n go to a party. Is she spending money on things that could go to an actual nanny? It's in England so there are advantages the mom could access that would help support her. I'm guessing tho it's not about the money she's paid from which ever job she has. Sounds like she has the kids to gain attention from others and it fills some void she isn't filling in a better way. A healthier way. And having her eldest play house in her mind gives her permission to go out and live cause the little ones "are taken care of" and she sees it as she's the one taking care of it all making her eldest do everything. That has me wondering if the mom is on services and gets money from that allotment or if she really does work? If the daughter takes the four kiddos to work with her to watch them where is mom? Repeat question of where are the dads? OP is twenty she's supposed to be in school learning from mistakes while learning life.
What is so infuriating is that she needs to convince a doctor for the tie up. The doctor is not to decide this, they're there to facilitate
How does the mom have to the nerve to say that shes spoiled and that she needs her and than go to a party and leave the kids with her? Not only that but the fact that she told the kids that she was leaving them behind in order to get them on her side. She NEEDS to tell someone about how her mom is acting.
I feel sorry for the OP. Personally, I would probably call Child Services, let them know what's going on in the house and take my siblings with me
How about if OP leaves like everyone is recommending, but as she goes, tells every single member of the family the situation and says, "hate me if you like, but I'm not taking care of the children anymore. Mom needs to take proper care on them and I don't think she will. So you need to keep checking in on the kids to make sure they're not being neglected or abused." And OP can occasionally check in too, and if neglect, abuse, or parentification of the kids is apparent, call child welfare. This can give an extra safety net to the young kids since they clearly are in a bad situation but OP might be hesitant to put them in the foster system.
NTA! Mom needs to keep her legs closed! You didn't state your mom's age, but YOU are way more responsible at 20 than she is! You need to and deserve to have your own life. She just wants free child care from you while she's out partying and probably getting pregnant again as we speak. Move out and when you do, leave a box of condoms!
That responsibility will now fall on the 9 year old smh. I feel so bad for her but child services will be involved soon.
Toxic situation. negotiating with this parent is likely futile. This is textbook verbal abuse toward you, and neglect of your siblings. If you stay, you will lose a lifetime of opportunities to take care of yourself, find good work, education, adult partnership and like me when 50, will have nothing to show for a lifetime of toil but angry siblings and God forbid your mother Is still alive, continued manipulation of the people you most care for. It is your birthright to seek self-sufficiency, w/all the effort that entails, takes a single woman years to gain security, most progress and opportunities happen in your 20s when healthy and have energy. Don't waste another moment, your siblings will require more than diaper changes in 10 yrs + you want to be prepared if your mother doesn't rise to the challenge. Seek assistance from other adults to assist your mother so you can extract yourself. Help yourself, then family. You deserve reciprocity in all efforts, + won't ever find it here
This might as well have been my fiancée, it took her until 24 though, but her mom laid the same trip on her sisters, who in turn both moved out before they turned 18. Difference is my fiancée wanted her own kid, but never had the chance.
This Mother should have thought about all the work a 9..5..3 year old and 10 month old are going to be til they are of age if the husband was around or not..It is in NO WAY the responsibility of the 20 year old oldest Daughter to be the main provider in their care..NO MATTER how many guilt trips the mother tries to lay on her..When does the mother figure she will no longer require her Wonderful oldest Daughter's help ??..When the 9 year old is of age (using 18 as legal age) the older Daughter will be 29..5 year old..Daughter 33..3 year old..Daughter 35 and the 10 month old..the Daughter 37. Does this ungrateful Mother expect her Giving Caring Wonderful Daughter to spend half her adult life taking care of her mother's children ??..She must have been dropped on her head..it's ALL the mother's responsibility..I'm a Father of 4 divorced..All my Kids moved in when I bought a house..Coached Minor Sports 25 years...Move out Darling. Let Mom do her own work
This must be happening alot. My neighbor has 10 kids and the older ones take care of the 5 younger ones. The family has just recently moved out of the mother's/ grandmother's house. It was so sad after the kids were home all day taking care of younger ones by and so called mom no would come home telling the older ones to clean this go cook. Do the laundry. Asking if they are f... King stupid. And on top of all of this they had a dog they kept in a crate all day long. My heart broke for those children.
Move out and take the kids with you and tell your egg donor to go f**k herself. I know that you don't want to actually do that because of your age, but those kids would be way better off.
The youngest is 10 months... She's in her 20s and the youngest is 10 months... And NONE of the dads are in the kids lives. Boy she sure knows how to pick em. What a garbage human being and i can tell from the language this girl uses that she's from the UK where contraceptive is FREE and she still isn't using it. Probably getting knocked up for more universal credit.
Forced sterilization or birth control is NOT the answer. Better sex education (even though too late to help here) IS the answer.
How is better sex education going to help here? The mum clearly knows how sex works by now yet does not care about the responsibilities that go along with having a child because the OP will look after them for her while she parties. Sterilization is probably the only thing that will work because she does not care about using birth control.
Load More Replies... This is so sad. Her mom is making her shoulder all the responsibility while she goes partying. I am sorry I know you love them kids, and maybe your the only real love and care they get. But your mom needs to grow up. She made love with out safety, and she will do it again. He tubes need tied. And she needs to stay home at night and fix supper plus house work and care for HER kids!! Dumpling them in your lap is the single your allowing her to not be the responsible mom she should be. She acts like a 18 year old and has a cow when you decide your turn. My question is does she pay you at all? I would not hate her that's to easy. But I'd lay the laws down and help her see what a mess she's made and dumped in your lap. Please call child support and get your mom some help and these kids. She should be getting child support from each father that got her pregnant. And then work part time so she can be home with her kids. But if she didn't want them then it was her choice. Mom grow up!!
All of this and then the "as soon as I can convince a doctor to let me get my tubes tied" line, just as the frosting on the cake to remind everyone "Oh yeah, total tangent, but women don't get to control their own bodies, so, ya know, enjoy living in the society that withholds that autonomy"
I understand from where she and her mother is coming. Her mother is irresponsible. She made her daughter codependent by leaning on her as an equal and expecting her to mother these siblings. It's natural to care for your younger siblings and looking after them occasionally when mom goes to work at night or out to dinner. When it becomes a way of life, it's unhealthy. It stifles the young lady's potential and could spread to the younger children. She's right to leave. I hope she'll be alright.
I am 8 years older than my little sister. My mom pretty much left childcare to me when I wasn't in school, as a result my sister and I were very close. When I went away to college my sister went into a deep depression. The school insisted she see a psychologist, who told our mother that she had never bonded with her, and she was bonded to me, as a parental figure. The doctor recommended therapy but Mom couldn't face the idea that someone might find out her daughter was in therapy, especially as a result of her behavior. So, instead of getting therapy for my sister, she worked day and night to drive a wedge between us. It worked. She and my sister became very close, I was treated as an after thought and in many respects, sp were my daughters. Mom is gone now, I'm in my 60's and my sister is not in my life anymore. When OP says her mother is talking against her, it can end in a very sad situation.
I am the youngest in my family. But my cousin is the oldest in hers. She had two younger siblings. She babysat them since she was like 8....I remember her screaming at them a lot. Well.. she was a child and raising kids is hard. An 8 year old shouldn't be doing that. Even as a kid I saw how unfair my aunt was.
NTA./ Since you mentioned you're getting a 'flat', i'm going to assume you're British. You mother sounds like one of many of the mothers in the UK who understand that they can have a kid and get 5yrs of paid living at home from the government until the kid starts primary school, then the parent is supposed to go back to work. Instead, they just pop out another sprog, that's another 5years of free living on the government. It sounds like this is her chosen profession, which means no matter what you do, she will not care for these children and she WILL neglect them. Unless you're willing to give up your whole life raising her kids until she finally hits menopause, call social services and have your siblings removed from her care. It sound horrifying, but it's likely the best for everyone. You and the kids both need and deserve better. Report her for child neglect, and the second your sibling tells you she left them alone to go party, report her for abandonment.
Maybe I don't understand the system but I thought that if someone has stopped work to have a baby they are entitled to get Working Tax Credit for the first 39 weeks of maternity (or adoption) leave and the period of ordinary paternity leave. Then there is child benefit. At £14 for any additional child after the first the 'many mothers' aren't going to get rich. It barely covers basics. The Benefit Cap applies if they get Housing Benefit or the housing element of Universal Credit. Though frankly any country that provides a safety net will have some who take advantage of the system. Better that then children suffering.
Load More Replies... Where are the fathers? If the mother can’t or won’t parent, the onus cannot be on the older children. The fathers should be providing both material and financial support. There’s dna testing now so establishing paternity is always possible.
It's hard to put your life on hold when others your age are seemingly having fun and living care free l But the truth is at the end of the day your still quite young a baby just learning how to live. One day your siblings will look back on this time and recall the sacrifice you made for them. We can't predict the future, still knowing that we are a part of something greater then ourselves, is a reason to be proud and praised. If you walk away now, yes you will be free, but your heart and your conscience will convict you, as you have already shown your strength and love fir those little ones who are vulnerable and very much in need of your patience and guidance. It's not easy but it is rewarding pray and ask God for the strength, endurance and courage to stay and fight for your family. There is honor in that we sacrifice not for freedom but for the legacy of family.
I think (just an opinion) she should take her siblings with her when she moves out and get all the benefits of raising them. Is the mother benefiting from them and just partying it away? Op already thinks the mother can't do the job anyways. It's always an option. I know she wants her freedom, though. Good luck to her, whatever she decides.
The OP doesn't want to do that. She is tired of the responsibility, and wants to live the independent life of a normal young adult, not be 100% responsible for the children she never chose to have. I mean it would be better for the little ones than their hopelessly irresponsible parents, but crushing for the OP.
Load More Replies... This is terrible. Get out. Be a wonderful sister. But please don't get your tubes tied, that would be horrible too - for you. Find a partner who doesn't want kids either and if they produce sperm, have them get a vasectomy. Much smaller procedure and less repercussions.
The damage is done; her mother destroyed her maternal instinct. It's probably for the best because her mother's psychopathic personality disorder could be hereditary.
Load More Replies... Look at that! Instead of writing something original and new, you guys just copy pasted right off of Reddit! You’re making advertising revenue off of the back of a 19 who has spent her whole life being taken advantage of. So you guys are taking advantage of someone already being taken advantage of. I’m sure you got her permission, right?
I'm HORRIFIED that ComprehensiveState11 got 4.1k upvotes for saying "Your mother should have used lots of birth control (or kept her legs closed) seriously.", but absolutely NO ONE, Male OR Female pointed out that there are fathers to Each And Every Single Child in question here. Not ONE. It saddens me beyond comprehension that in 2022 the woman is still being blamed for pregnancy alone. This mother is s**t shamed or called irresponsible but the fathers are overlooked by both the Reddit And the professional sources sighted by the author of this Bored Panda post. So the issue is left to remain between the mother and daughter wholly. Indeed, this mother sounds unqualified to be a parent to children of any age in her current state of selfishness and entitled manipulation tactics. It's Insane people are first defaulting to govt. services before holding the fathers responsible in Any way. Dads are 50% responsible no matter What they feel about mom, it's not the kid's fault.
I see a number of comments about the fathers (I even posted several myself), but I see--and love!--your point. It is just one of myriad examples of how women are vilified and have VERY different standards placed upon them from birth onward. Patriarchal societies write history, make the rules, and even tell everyone how to interpret events from the MAN'S point of view. No wonder society is turning in on itself.
Load More Replies... You truly ARE an idiot, aren't you? And childless, thank god.
Load More Replies... You obviously have no idea about toxic family dynamics. I am amazed at how much families manipulate and abuse kind hearted members. Good friends never leave but toxic family members always abuse. She can move out and still keep some kind of relationship with her siblings, even eventually have them move in with her. If the mother isn't capable of raising the children, child services should step in. She has been abused by her mother for the pass 9 years being put in that situation. She needs to take care herself on all levels or she won't be doing her younger siblings any good. Just cause she has had all the responsibility of raising those kids doesn't mean they are being raised to be self sufficient adults. She's a child herself. A child isn't capable of raising another child to be a well adjusted adult because they are not an adult. This situation is so wrong on many levels.
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