Mom Shares How Easy It Is To Teach Kids Consent And People Applaud Her
Would you like to read this article? I’ll assume that you’re nodding along and that I have your consent because you opened it up. Always a touchy subject that gets both sides of the debate fired up, consent is nonetheless a very important concept. To put it bluntly, consent is what helps people maintain their freedom of will and help them stay, well, human. With their dignity and autonomy intact.
And one mother from Chicago is taking the concept to a whole other level with her toddler and baby. She’s teaching her children about consent and body autonomy in a very radical way: by introducing the concepts in every task that they do together every single day. From asking whether they want their hair brushed to gently nudging them to say whether he wants to brush his teeth now or in five minutes.
You’ll find 32-year-old teacher Alissa’s TikTok videos where she introduces her unique and emotionally intelligent style of parenting to the internet below.
Mom Alissa from Chicago teaches her kids consent through small everyday tasks. You can watch the full video here
@once.upon.a.mamaJust a few examples ✨ IG: once.upon.a.mama #momsoftiktok #momtok #parent #parenting #fyp #momlife #toddler #dadsoftiktok #mom #momsover30 #momhack♬ Send Me on My Way – Vibe Street
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Consent isn’t just about protecting one’s autonomy, however. It’s also an important part of justifying someone’s actions in various fields. “In standard cases, a person’s consent to another person’s acts removes moral or legal objections to or liability for the performance of those acts,” the Routledge Encyclopedia of Philosophy explains.
“Thus, in medical practice, the informed consent of a patient to a procedure can justify the physician’s actions. In law, the maxim ‘volenti non fit injuria’ (the willing person is not wronged) governs a wide range of acts and transactions, from the economic to the sexual. And in politics, it is often supposed that it is ‘the consent of the governed’ that justifies or makes permissible both governmental policies and the use of official coercion to compel obedience to law.”
The Routledge Encyclopedia of Philosophy explains the obvious fact that consent can be given in a variety of ways, ranging from very direct to less direct forms. However, its “binding force” always has to fulfill certain conditions, including “knowledge, intention, competence, voluntariness, and acceptability of content.”
In another video, the single mom shows how she explains what she’s doing aloud while changing diapers, a task that small children can’t consent to
@once.upon.a.mamaBuilding body autonomy & consent in babies & tots! #momsoftiktok #fyp #momlife #parent #parenting #momtok #dadsoftiktok #momsover30 #momhack♬ Send Me on My Way – Vibe Street
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Image credits: once.upon.a.mama
Of course, not all tasks can have a child’s consent because they simply don’t understand its importance. One of these is changing diapers. However, Alissa walks her younger child through the entire process to make him feel involved and to make sure that he understands what’s going on.
Alissa told PopSugar that teaching kids consent teaches them that their body is theirs and that other people’s bodies belong to those people.
“It helps to protect children from future abuse and teaches them to respect the boundaries of others. Even parents can make children feel uncomfortable when the touch is not wanted. My videos are geared toward parents and future parents to help them understand the importance of not only respecting their children’s boundaries but doing so in a way that parenting can still be done as well.”
Here’s how some people on social media have been reacting to the Chicago-based mom’s TikTok videos
What do you think of Alissa’s parenting style, dear Pandas? Is it the right way to move forward or does it change parent-child relationships too much? Is there anything that you’d improve? How important do you think it is to teach kids body autonomy and consent from an early age? Share your thoughts (and experiences with parenting!) in the comment section below.
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I would generalize this even further. This is about respect, not limited to consent. Many people believe that children below a certain age have no opinion, and "do not really know what they want". Babies may not be able to discern what is good for them, but from day one on they know what they want. This does not mean that they are the ones to give the commands...but they deserve respect, from day one on. And they deserve that we look for the cues to understand this. When I changed my newborn's first diaper, I explained what I was doing. I have in the meantime changed many diapers while facing resistance (particularly funny with a barrel role performed with a half-opened, completely full diaper) but never have I used my superior strength to simply enforce it. That is tiring sometimes, but I believe that if we want adults to embrace "my body, my choice" we need to give children the assurance that their body also means their choice.
This also resonates in the thinking about "Give aunty a kiss". If the child does not want, this is to be respected and never to be questioned. The baby turns away when the grandparents want to caress it? Shelter it instead of "providing" it to the grandparents! Even giving love requires consent from the receiving side – although it seldom will be a "yes" or "no" from a small child, but they very well can express their concept of consent if we only look for it.
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I think tickling is a major one. So many adults continue tickling a kid when the child is asking them to stop... once my kids said "stop" I immediately stopped. I remember when my daughter was young she asked me "why doesn't ___ stop when I tell him to stop tickling me?", because she was used to being respected in our house. I had to really think on how to strategically answer that one.
When I was 7, my uncle tickled me so much that it really hurt me. I vividly remember the pain and how he wouldn’t stop, thinking I was enjoying it. I can picture it clear as day. And the relief when I was able to run away. I love my uncle. He’s like one of my favorite people and I know he didn’t mean to hurt me. He just didn’t know any better. And now as an adult almost 30 years later, I am so intensely ticklish that i can’t even be touched or caressed gently in certain areas. I don’t know what happened but it just broke something in me and I’m possibly the most ticklish person on planet earth. I hate it so much. I miss out on certain things because of how ticklish I am.
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Each to their own, but this isn't the method that my wife and I teach our kid about consent. We take a more direct approach by explaining (in a way he understands) that you shouldn't force anyone to do anything, and that "no" means "no".
I do not think you are so far off from what is discussed here then. Quite a number of parents do not ask and do not explain.
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i hope so. whenever my mom takes a picture of me, she likes to post it sometimes, but she never asks me first. annoys the hell out of me
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And if you hug/ tickle/ .... them, please stop right away when the child says stop/ enough/ .... Children have rights too and they have feelings too. Same goes for feelings. When a child says something hurts, then it hurts, no matter if it would hurt you too or not. Everyone has different feelings and different pain barriers. Acknowledge your childs feelings and wishes. Respect them!
This works great... until the child catches on that they can get mom/dad to do a lot of things for them that they are quite capable of (and should be) doing themselves, or they stop doing things they should do, but don't want to... by simply saying no when the parent gives them a choice. Then there's a basic life lesson that all children learn eventually... there are things in your life you have no choice or control over, and therefore no consent is asked or given.
I think this concept is more about bodily autonomy in relation to consent. there’s a difference between saying no to a hug or letting someone change your clothes than saying no to doing your homework. There’s never a time when saying no to having someone touch you would be unacceptable and I think this is more what this mom is teaching her children.
Load More Replies...
I grew up being forced to hug and kiss older people (family friends, distant relatives, etc.) and I hated it. And my mom wonders why now, at age 50, I hate being touched and don't let her hug me. I don't even want her touching my shoulder. She says, "I'm your mother and can do anything to you I want." Great, lovely.
Often work but my kids are in the "none" stage when given 2 options. Like now or in 5 min. I do teach consent for tickles from me and it is a no for anyone else to tickle. They say stop I stop. But hugs....we hug all the time and they are fine with them, but my daughter for years did not like hugs from grandma, grandpa and her uncle. They did not understand she was not OK with it and I tols her she can high five or wave goodbye.
My MIL once wanted to kiss my son. I think he was about 2 or 3 at the time. He could walk and talk. He wanted to get away from her but she grabbed his arm and wanted to drag him back to her. I snatched him away so she was offended that "I did not let her kiss her own grandchild". I tried to explain it to her but.... well, she is a special kind of human..... Anyway. When we departed I asked my son if he wanted to give her a goodby kiss. He said yes and I held him in my arms when he gave her a kiss on the cheek. I will never be comfortable with my kids being with her again.
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I raised my son very similarly. Though, i am careful about offering too many choices to toddlers. The world is a big and scary place to them, so offering them small choices with only two options, makes them feel involved, but offering them choices constantly, particularly open ended choices can actually make them more afraid of the world by asserting that they have more control over it than you do, which can be really scary and overwhelming for them. That's said, I try not to say no to things without a valid reason, I explain my executive decisions, and I offer age appropriate choices as well. Also, kids as young as two can have open direct conversations about consent. You can also help them feel involved in what's your doing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.. Respecting any boundaries they state about their own bodies and making sure others do is essential, particularly tickling, which is great ground work for teaching sexual consent. "You said stop so I stopped!" Goes a long way.
I love love love this. My brother never got choices growing up so he never gives you any choices and it's not nice. (Like, he doesn't ask "can you make me food" he says "make me food NOW" and if you don't he screams and slaps you, and if you get the food he doesnt want even though he never told you what he wanted because "you know what i want" he screams and throws a fit and slams doors. Would this be different if he had gotten choices and been respected earlier on?)
That seems like a much deeper problem than never being given choices.
Load More Replies...
For me, most touch needs consent. The reason is, I am prone to sensory overload (look up ADHD), so even a hand on my back is startling. My back, thighs, forearms and belly are most sensitive (and, of course, head an neck). I'm ok with shoulder and very upper arm though. If you touch my back and I wasn't expecting it, I am likely to smack you. Also, did you know that tickling registers as pain in the brain? One reason not to do it. In fact, some people will panic if tickled after they say no.
I believe what this is called is "speaking to another human" but sure you're woke as f**k.
A Nice video but with a huge failure: child have had no way to decide if he/she really want to be a social media star...
I'm a GenX and No, 'our generation' does not know to just not be a peice of s**t. By your logic no gen-x ever raped or assaulted another person. The pages and pages and pages of court judgements, police records, newspapers articles and hundreds upon thousands of stories of survivors of assuaults, including my own, would tell a different story. Understanding consent is essential. For every generation.
Load More Replies...
I would generalize this even further. This is about respect, not limited to consent. Many people believe that children below a certain age have no opinion, and "do not really know what they want". Babies may not be able to discern what is good for them, but from day one on they know what they want. This does not mean that they are the ones to give the commands...but they deserve respect, from day one on. And they deserve that we look for the cues to understand this. When I changed my newborn's first diaper, I explained what I was doing. I have in the meantime changed many diapers while facing resistance (particularly funny with a barrel role performed with a half-opened, completely full diaper) but never have I used my superior strength to simply enforce it. That is tiring sometimes, but I believe that if we want adults to embrace "my body, my choice" we need to give children the assurance that their body also means their choice.
This also resonates in the thinking about "Give aunty a kiss". If the child does not want, this is to be respected and never to be questioned. The baby turns away when the grandparents want to caress it? Shelter it instead of "providing" it to the grandparents! Even giving love requires consent from the receiving side – although it seldom will be a "yes" or "no" from a small child, but they very well can express their concept of consent if we only look for it.
Load More Replies... I think tickling is a major one. So many adults continue tickling a kid when the child is asking them to stop... once my kids said "stop" I immediately stopped. I remember when my daughter was young she asked me "why doesn't ___ stop when I tell him to stop tickling me?", because she was used to being respected in our house. I had to really think on how to strategically answer that one.
When I was 7, my uncle tickled me so much that it really hurt me. I vividly remember the pain and how he wouldn’t stop, thinking I was enjoying it. I can picture it clear as day. And the relief when I was able to run away. I love my uncle. He’s like one of my favorite people and I know he didn’t mean to hurt me. He just didn’t know any better. And now as an adult almost 30 years later, I am so intensely ticklish that i can’t even be touched or caressed gently in certain areas. I don’t know what happened but it just broke something in me and I’m possibly the most ticklish person on planet earth. I hate it so much. I miss out on certain things because of how ticklish I am.
Load More Replies... Each to their own, but this isn't the method that my wife and I teach our kid about consent. We take a more direct approach by explaining (in a way he understands) that you shouldn't force anyone to do anything, and that "no" means "no".
I do not think you are so far off from what is discussed here then. Quite a number of parents do not ask and do not explain.
Load More Replies... i hope so. whenever my mom takes a picture of me, she likes to post it sometimes, but she never asks me first. annoys the hell out of me
Load More Replies... And if you hug/ tickle/ .... them, please stop right away when the child says stop/ enough/ .... Children have rights too and they have feelings too. Same goes for feelings. When a child says something hurts, then it hurts, no matter if it would hurt you too or not. Everyone has different feelings and different pain barriers. Acknowledge your childs feelings and wishes. Respect them!
This works great... until the child catches on that they can get mom/dad to do a lot of things for them that they are quite capable of (and should be) doing themselves, or they stop doing things they should do, but don't want to... by simply saying no when the parent gives them a choice. Then there's a basic life lesson that all children learn eventually... there are things in your life you have no choice or control over, and therefore no consent is asked or given.
I think this concept is more about bodily autonomy in relation to consent. there’s a difference between saying no to a hug or letting someone change your clothes than saying no to doing your homework. There’s never a time when saying no to having someone touch you would be unacceptable and I think this is more what this mom is teaching her children.
Load More Replies... I grew up being forced to hug and kiss older people (family friends, distant relatives, etc.) and I hated it. And my mom wonders why now, at age 50, I hate being touched and don't let her hug me. I don't even want her touching my shoulder. She says, "I'm your mother and can do anything to you I want." Great, lovely.
Often work but my kids are in the "none" stage when given 2 options. Like now or in 5 min. I do teach consent for tickles from me and it is a no for anyone else to tickle. They say stop I stop. But hugs....we hug all the time and they are fine with them, but my daughter for years did not like hugs from grandma, grandpa and her uncle. They did not understand she was not OK with it and I tols her she can high five or wave goodbye.
My MIL once wanted to kiss my son. I think he was about 2 or 3 at the time. He could walk and talk. He wanted to get away from her but she grabbed his arm and wanted to drag him back to her. I snatched him away so she was offended that "I did not let her kiss her own grandchild". I tried to explain it to her but.... well, she is a special kind of human..... Anyway. When we departed I asked my son if he wanted to give her a goodby kiss. He said yes and I held him in my arms when he gave her a kiss on the cheek. I will never be comfortable with my kids being with her again.
Load More Replies... I raised my son very similarly. Though, i am careful about offering too many choices to toddlers. The world is a big and scary place to them, so offering them small choices with only two options, makes them feel involved, but offering them choices constantly, particularly open ended choices can actually make them more afraid of the world by asserting that they have more control over it than you do, which can be really scary and overwhelming for them. That's said, I try not to say no to things without a valid reason, I explain my executive decisions, and I offer age appropriate choices as well. Also, kids as young as two can have open direct conversations about consent. You can also help them feel involved in what's your doing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.. Respecting any boundaries they state about their own bodies and making sure others do is essential, particularly tickling, which is great ground work for teaching sexual consent. "You said stop so I stopped!" Goes a long way.
I love love love this. My brother never got choices growing up so he never gives you any choices and it's not nice. (Like, he doesn't ask "can you make me food" he says "make me food NOW" and if you don't he screams and slaps you, and if you get the food he doesnt want even though he never told you what he wanted because "you know what i want" he screams and throws a fit and slams doors. Would this be different if he had gotten choices and been respected earlier on?)
That seems like a much deeper problem than never being given choices.
Load More Replies... For me, most touch needs consent. The reason is, I am prone to sensory overload (look up ADHD), so even a hand on my back is startling. My back, thighs, forearms and belly are most sensitive (and, of course, head an neck). I'm ok with shoulder and very upper arm though. If you touch my back and I wasn't expecting it, I am likely to smack you. Also, did you know that tickling registers as pain in the brain? One reason not to do it. In fact, some people will panic if tickled after they say no.
I believe what this is called is "speaking to another human" but sure you're woke as f**k.
A Nice video but with a huge failure: child have had no way to decide if he/she really want to be a social media star...
I'm a GenX and No, 'our generation' does not know to just not be a peice of s**t. By your logic no gen-x ever raped or assaulted another person. The pages and pages and pages of court judgements, police records, newspapers articles and hundreds upon thousands of stories of survivors of assuaults, including my own, would tell a different story. Understanding consent is essential. For every generation.
Load More Replies... 
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