Man Travels 8 Hours To His Mom’s, Walks Out On Her After She Shows Favoritism To Her ‘Adoptive’ Neighbor
Once we’re older, there comes a sweet realization that family isn’t someone that is related to us by blood, but very often it ends up being people that are close to our hearts and who, over time, show that they are there for us. This is a frequent case when people don’t get along with their actual family and seek recognition and love somewhere else. But what if you found out that someone from your close family or relatives favors someone else instead of you? Having this in mind, the Reddit user decided to share his family situation in order to understand if what he did could be justified. The story that received almost 16k upvotes soon drew other internet users’ attention, encouraging them to share their own points of view on the matter.
More Info: Reddit
It’s believed that we can’t choose our family, but with time, those who stand by our side become as important as blood relatives
Image credits: Brian Evans (not the actual image)
The author of the post shared that his mom always wanted to have a daughter but instead raised two sons and now has six grandsons. For this reason, she became very close with her neighbor and her daughter, who she met 16 years ago when the woman in question moved in with her 2-year-old daughter. Since then, OP’s mother has become like a family member to them, helping to take care of the little girl that the author of the post called Lily. Their relationship soon escalated to a point where the woman became their “adoptive” mom and grandmother, spoiling Lily with elaborate gifts such as a trip to Europe when she graduated school. While their relationship might seem like something from a movie, the author of the post noticed that his mom started showing favoritism.
Reddit user decided to share a situation after which he had to leave his mom’s house
He shared that over time, his mom became very close with her neighbor and her daughter
Image credits: u/aitaneighborscar
The man shared that while Lily received a trip to Europe, the woman’s grandsons got a $300 check. It was also known that the woman shared some knowledge about her French heritage with the girl, as well as her secret recipes, and even paid her private school fees. While there is nothing bad about helping out her neighbors and maintaining this close relationship, the last straw that broke the camel’s back happened when the man decided to stay for a few days at his mom’s so that she could spend some time with her grandsons.
The woman started spending so much time with her neighbors that the man noticed she started favoring them over her own kids and grandkids
Image credits: u/aitaneighborscar
One of the examples was that the woman took her neighbor’s daughter to Europe while leaving her grandsons with a check for $300
Image credits: u/aitaneighborscar
OP shared that they traveled 8 hours to see his mom for a few days. As dinner time was approaching, the woman asked her son to move his car out of her driveway so that Lily could park there, because it’s her spot. The man then said that since he was already parked, the neighbor could just leave her car in the street, but his mom said that since the spot in her driveway is Lily’s, he needed to move his car. This is when the author of the post decided to get his and his sons’ things and leave the house altogether. After this incident, the woman tried to contact her son and ask him to come back home, but he disagreed. However, this whole situation made him re-think his actions.
The situation that made everything even more clear happened when the author of the post came to visit his mom and brought his sons with him
Image credits: Christian Kitchens (not the actual image)
Not knowing what to do, OP decided to share his story with strangers online who expressed their support and were quite interested in the story, asking for some additional information about his and his mom’s relationship. It didn’t take long for users online to understand that his mom is playing favorites and that it isn’t healthy behavior. What is your opinion on this situation? Don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments down below!
The man left his car in the driveway, but not for long, because his mom asked him to move it as it was her neighbor’s daughter’s spot
Image credits: u/aitaneighborscar
It’s funny to think that there are a lot of people who try to limit their contact with their neighbors or that there are people who are on quite difficult terms with someone that lives right next to them. But being friends with your neighbors might seem like a convenient thing. So how can you become a better neighbor and perhaps someone’s friend? According to OneRoof, an app that helps people who live in the same building find each other and become friends, everything starts from not being shy and introducing yourself to others. Once they know you, don’t forget to be considerate and in case you’re planning some party or gathering, let your neighbors know that there might be some louder noises coming from your apartment.
Instead of doing what his mom asked, the man took his kids and left the house
Image credits: Susanne Nilsson (not the actual image)
To continue being an understandable and good neighbor, it’s important to address any issues with your neighbor immediately as well as respect their privacy and space. By being an attentive and respectful neighbor who understands certain boundaries but is there to give a helping hand, you can easily become someone’s new friend.
After a while, the man started doubting his actions, so he shared what happened on Reddit
A lot of people became interested in the situation wanting to find out more
Most users agreed that the man wasn’t in the wrong and that his mom was showing clear signs of favoritism
Image credits: u/aitaneighborscar
If you read the comments, one of them is kind of telling: he answers a question that Lily helps his mom out all the time, while he and his son live 8 hours away. So essentially Lily has become a sort of step daughter, and is looking out for his mom all the time. Which tells me a few things: he is unnecessarily jealous, and he doesn't appreciate the kindness of someone else being there for his 60- year old mother while he isn't. So if it's "Lily's Spot", he's being ungracious and petty. HOWEVER. Since he lives 8 hours away m that means he's a GUEST. Guests get priority, because they are only visiting for a short time. I'm surprised a gal from Italy forgot this. VERDICT: Everybody Sucks Here. Grace on BOTH SIDES would have made this completely unnecessary.
Also the mum may have gone to Europe with Lily but that does not necessarily mean she paid for her, Lilys parents may well have paid. The son admits he only knows they went because of pics on Facebook, so was he ever willing to take his mumtravelling with him? If not then shut up about her having a life outside of the 2 or 3 times a year he bothers to even see her.
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People think their blood trumps all. Lilly is like a relative to her. They should treat her like a niece/sister. And she is doing the bulk of the heavy lifting. I would be glad for Lilly, not the other way around.
I agree. I have a sister who was “adopted” into my family as an adult. She helped out with my late aunt in her last year. She visits my grandmother often. She helps my parents with their volunteer projects. Even though she’s not blood and didn’t grow up with us, she’s still my sister. Our family has done a lot for her, but she’s done a lot for our family.
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There is a lot of info missing since this isn't just over a parking spot. If OP feels so slighted he didn't learn his parents' cultures and languages, why didn't he learn them? My kids are multinational and speak (mostly so far) both languages. Did his parents do the "This is America, we speak English here!" thing that many immigrant parents did that has mostly faded away? There is a lot of resentment on OP's side, I get it, but they aren't discussing it with the right person: their mom. Honestly, it would be great to have a guided talk with a family therapist to work on mending relationships
Surely OP has heard for years that his mom wanted a daughter, but had two sons instead. Then she was equally disappointed that her grandchildren are all male. I've also noticed that grandma doesn't seem to have made any trips to see her children/grandchildren but her sons have made the effort. Unless she's handicapped (it doesn't appear she's financially strapped) I don't see why she's not visiting her family. With the obvious favoritism and and disappointment, I think OP just had it and wasn't going to let his sons being treated as second thoughts.
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Everyone is commenting about the trip to Europe but what was clear to me is that the son's hurt runs deep after realizing his own mom didn't bother to teach him and his brother about her own culture as she did Lily. Lily may not be blood, but the mom treats her better than her own blood and flesh. Favoritism is still favoritism, it still hurts and the mom showed clearly she considers Lily much more than her own son. For her, it was just a parking spot, for her son it was the last straw that broke the camel's back.
Mother got a pseudo daughter, all it cost her is her relationship with her son and grandsons. She'll proably spin it as "they just overreacted over a parking spot" ignoring this is just sum total of sheer amount of disrespect she shown them.
Is Lily the reason why he visits his mother only 1-2 times a year? The girl is around the mother every day, while the son moved away. It is so strange, that the mother feels more close to Lily than to the son? Who, additionally, puts emphasis on the amount of money she spent on his family or Lily, as he would already inherited it.
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Clearly he has quite a bit of resentment because that seems like a drastic reaction to such a ridiculous request. I can understand how that would make him feel some sort of way but he should have just communicated that her and even told her he wasn't going to move his car. I may get some down votes and that's fine because as much as I agree his mom's request was inconsiderate, I think he was selfish and deprived his kids of spending time with their grandma.
…deprived his sons from time with a grand-mom that would've rather had a daughter and granddaughters….and shows it every chance she gets🤷♂️.
Load More Replies... OP's mom's priorities are telling. When her grandsons who she only sees once or twice a year come to visit, she's instantly thinking about the parking situation. What I read into that is that her grandsons aren't important to her. I'd be interested to know why Lily parking in the driveway instead of the street is so important to her.
The mother can absolutely maintain a relationship with Lily without offering her perks that she doesn't even give to her own grandchildren. She could have very easily asked if one of her grandchildren wanted to go to Europe with her. Also, I don't see anything wrong with allowing Lily to use her extra parking spot but she should have not GIVEN that spot to Lily. Lily should have found another spot to park knowing family was going visit for a few days. That's on Lily. I come from a family where my mother obviously favors my brother. It's not healthy. All in all I feel the grandma is in the wrong. I didn't read anywhere that grandma is offering to take her grandkids ANYWHERE, let alone Europe.
I had to read the open again. It says "Some backstory" but should have been "Barely any backstory". How was he and his brother treated growing up? Why didn't his mom teach them the native language if she was so proud of it? How were they treated when they had her grandsons? How did she treat them after OP's father died? I feel like I just stepped into the middle of a Star Wars marathon the first time through and Darth Vader just told Luke that he was his father...... what happened leading up to this????? If they faced years of motherly neglect, than NTA, but if she always provided for them and this was an isolated incident, than the European trip could have just been "Thank you for being there for me while my sons are taking care of their own families". Not enough information provided is my judgment until I read more.
I have a psych degree, read the post a few of times to make sure I completely understood. I find it more interesting how people created their elaborate dialogues which are very bias way to justify their replies. There's a few family issues going on. The OP is insightful enough to question his behavior which is what the post is about not the other items people seem to want to address. Enjoyed your star wars analogy. I'm very visual great picture in my brain now. I noticed you used the word neglect. I would say she probably had an indifference towards her sons which they're subconsciously aware of. As an adult he probably noticed the same behavior towards the grandsons. Your take on the Lily vacation is a interesting view on the situation. I think that is what brought it home for him & the parking spot as too much. I do question the relationship with Lily. Even if close, it seems off to me. Most wouldn't accept such monetary gifts for their child.
Load More Replies... Interesting that the responses quoted here are so one-sided. In the post, LOTS of people sided with the mom because family is about more than blood. Lily can be family without it being on paper. She's helping out the mom every day, not just "some neighbor kid". Obviously opinions were mixed, but this summary definitely chooses a side.
I think bored panda draws a younger audience and that changes the point of view dynamic. I don't think the son was an AH but I also don't think there is anything wrong with his mother deeply connecting with the family next door and playing a grandma role to a girl she's obviously watched grow up. Also when you consider the son is the adult parent or a boy her age it comes off weird that he would feel any kind of competition with the girl who has been a child for as long as he's been an adult. I mean, is it favoritism or is it just a hat his mom is looking out for a young girl and treating her like a child while treating her son like a grown man. It may be she didn't want her to park in the street because she's lady.
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Kids grow up and move away , they are supposed to.With that being said if your child makes an effort to stop their life to come spend so time then they should be top priority. She did not want Lily to park in the street but it is ok for her son to. The mom has her priorities screwed up six ways to Sunday. If Lily was such a good person then she would have said, hey let your son have the spot while he is here , visit with your family and I will step back.He is NTAH
Exactly. I was thinking the same about Lily. She can't park on the street for a couple of days? It's too much of an inconvenience to her?! I've given my garage parking spot to friends who visit.
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My grandparents moved over 2k miles away when I was young. I remember large family events where they didn't attend. My mother always said "When they moved, they choose to leave the family" Now as an adult and the only child that stayed in their city. I understand this. My parents have since passed and my siblings complain that they didn't get to spend enough time with them, that our children don't have relationships. Too bad, that's what they choose when they moved. Same case here. You want that space in the driveway, show up for more than 4 days a year. You want your kids to go to Europe with Grandma? Maybe you shouldn't live so far that your kids are strangers to her. This is worse than having your cake and eating it too. This is asking someone to bake the cake then complaining. I think the guys ta for not realizing that life went on after he left. He sounds like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum.
Also, he notably didn’t want his kids to go on a trip with grandma, he wanted her to give them the equivalent amount in cash so they can spend it on something that doesn’t involve her.
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It's messed up that your mother put a stranger in front of her own children and grandchildren. You drove 8 hours to spend some time with her then she has the nerve to tell you to move your car so "Lily" can park in the driveway wow. Plus she paid for an 8 week trip to Europe and taught her French and Italian but never once tried to teach you or your brothers? She gave her blood grand son's a $300 check wow. Can we say favoritism to the highest for real. Your mom has made her choice and she keeps throwing it in your face. Me personally I would just be done trying. But this is me
He has no idea if she paid for any or all of the Europe trip. It didn't sound like he asked, he just saw pics on fb and assumed. Also, he should be thrilled that his elderly mother on a likely fixed income gave each of her grandkids $300 as a gift. That's nuts to me. No one in my family would do that and don't have the money for it. He should be grateful his mom is so giving. Yeah if she constantly goes way overboard on Lily, I can see it hurting. But his kids don't even seem aware of it or care, and he even admits she gave his kids more in the college funds she set up for them. Another amazing contribution he should be grateful for. She could give them nothing. She seems like she tries to be a good grandmother. She just also helps out her basically adopted grandchild and that what he seems to have a problem with. That the girl isn't blood, and he feels slighted because he thinks his mom would rather have a daughter. She may feel closer to Lily because she IS closer and SEES her more.
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I sat he is TA. His mom started forming a bond with Lily AFTER he and his brothers left home...in fact he was 30! So, its not like she neglected her sons when they were young. Also, his mom even has college funds for his son and nephew, so she's not neglecting her grandsons either. So what if she took Lily to Europe for 8 weeks. Would he or his kid have gone with his mom? l doubt it....they only see her twice a year. So she askes him to move his car...its a bit annoying but not that big a deal. He is acting like a spoiled entitled brat. He could have just moved his car and spent time with his mom rather than leave in a huff. l mean he barely sees her as it is, and now he won't even take her calls or go see her again? For what? Because she formed a bond with another child? Time to grow up buddy. Your mom is entitled to life outside of your relationship with her. Especially since your dad is gone.
And apparently dad approved of paying for lily to go to a private school also...in their hearts she is their grandchild.
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Definitely NTA it’s not about the parking space , the money , etc. it’s about the lack of effort on his mothers end to bond with her grandsons. She wanted a daughter any daughter, I had 3 boys before I had my daughter, only granddaughter, niece, great granddaughter! She gets treated like a queen compared to the boys & it’s not ok or fair. I can see his point of view, he hurt by the unfair treatment of his boys!
The OP is jealous and has reacted like a petulant child. The mother is a bit inflexible ‘Lily always parks there!’ but I am sure she was surprised by the explosive response. I certainly would be. OP is absolutely in the wrong to upset everyone. Fortunately his mum is reaching out and ready to spend time together... he needs to apologise and accept. Lily is doing a lot of his parental care work for him, he owes her thanks.
It wasn't "Lily always parks there"... It's "that's Lily's parking spot". Mom gave her that spot since Lily didn't have a space at home to park. And to an Italian lady, once she gives something, it is no longer hers to take back or to decide how to use it
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NAH/YTA parking spots shouldn't really matter, but OP isn't thinking of his kids, he's only thinking of his petty jealousy. According to OP's of the replies to a comment, Lily helps out his mum loads, and forcing kids to spend 16 hours in the car because you're mad your mum is nice to her neighbours (albeit more than slightly extra) is unneccesary
I don’t recall seeing the OP say that Lily helps her out loads And it’s not like Lily is doing it for free. She is getting thousands of dollars a year for a private education (which I’m sure her sons didn’t get) and an eight week trip to Europe. iIf she’s not driving a jalopy pretty good chance that mom bought her car. Grandma could only afford 600 bucks for her grandchildren, which is less money than what it cost to fly Lily to Europe. Is there a special reason why Nana couldn’t take all three of those children that just graduated from high school and are headed off to college possibly soon? Nope, no chance in hell just Lily. And making assumptions about how the OP lives with his children saying that Nana would probably have to shuttle her self by cab back-and-forth to some dingy hotel is probably the reason why she doesn’t go there to visit is just c**p on your part. Wouldn’t you be jealous if mom was showing favoritism to the lady next-door’s daughter, but not yours.
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You need to check the will before you.lose everything to the sister your mother never had.
I'm so torn here. I feel like a guest who is visiting temporarily should be allowed to park wherever they want, since, you know, they are a guest. I feel like it was rude to demand her son, the *guest* to move his car, really. I'd feel rude if I'd been the one asking someone to move their car. Why can't they *share* the driveway? I don't know, maybe I'm just too short-sighted on this, since I couldn't see myself being closer to someone else's kid(s) than I am to my own. This whole situation seems strange to me...I'd be worried about Lily's parents taking advantage of this poor mother's kindness (I'm not saying they are, but she is being awfully generous to a kid that isn't even related to her for no other reason than the fact that she's a female). I do sense some jealousy from the son, which I understand in a way, but I don't think he should have just up and left. He'd be regretting that decision if something horrible happened to his mom afterward. ESH, except Lily.
I have a psych degree. There's a lot going on here. I don't think it's jealousy. It's more to due with his mother's indifference towards him & the grandsons. He resents it which is understandable. How would you feel growing up knowing your mother always wanted a daughter & then you had 3 boys. It's as if he's not good enough. This has been building up for years. The parking spot just triggered it. Why didn't she communicate to him before hand not to park there if it was so important. I do think Lily's mother has taken advantage of granny. She's basically had her take responsibility for most of her child's upbringing. She's also taught Lily that you do things for others for monetary value.
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Two issues here. 1. The parking spot…your mom informed you of a parking situation at her place of residence. Its not personal, its the situation that has been established, so you should abide by it. 2. You're resentful of Lily's position in your mom's life. She's your mom's friend, confidante. She happens to be young like a daughter, so it feels more like a competitor. If you want to have a better position in your mom's life, you need to work at it too. More communication, more listening, more visits, more trips together, more invitations, more talking about things you feel, and listening to her too. Forge the relationship you want to have with her. She will LOVE it if you reach out in love with your grandkids too. It will be a win win for you and the kids.
He’s the AH. If that is Lily’s regular parking spot then he’s making a big deal out of nothing. Yes, she could park on the street this once but I thought at first they’d both traveled and mum was saying Lily should have it over him, rather than that is her spot that mum gave her the use of years ago. He’s upset that Lily knows French and Italian and he doesn’t but he didn’t say that he’s ever tried. Lily has had to work at learning two languages out of respect to his parents, which he and his children haven’t done. If she knows mum’s recipes (he weirdly knows a lot about Lily), then they presumably cook together. Did he ever express an interest in cooking with his mum? Mum probably took Lily on the trip because mum also wanted to go on the trip and had no one to go with. Dad has died, sons have moved really far away, is she supposed to vacation alone or just never have one again for the rest of her life? He’s only thinking about the trip in terms of money.
Keep in mind too, Europe, probably means Italy and France, her native countries... Lily is interested and can get around both places... He CAN'T
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Whatever it takes to never have to have that feeling of, "Your not good enough because,..." I had already had a rotten and abusive childhood. When my daughter was 4 mos old I always had these new oldtimey bonnets on her. At an Easter gathering my mother made a loud exclamation,"I remember when you girls (5) were little I put bonnets on you!" I said, "That's a lie! You never did anything!" I excused myself, I left, and never spoke to the woman ever again. My daughter will be 29 in Dec 2022. I had to flow up and divorce myself and children from the rest of my family, for our safety and security. Sadly, my sister's carried the abuse, cunning and conniving, to their own families.
This is EXACTLY how my mom was towards her neighbors daughter...EXACTLY! The last Christmas before my mom passed, she said she had no money to buy my sons Christmas (although she was left 3 million when my grandparents passed) but gave "Camilla" elaborate gifts...I didn't speak to my mother the whole month before she passed because of the favoritism she showed towards the little girl..my mother wouldn't even keep my sons unless I had them bathed and fed before bringing them over in the evening and then I had to pick them up soon as they woke up...ridiculous! Camilla jumped all over her furniture and did all the things kids should be able to do with their grandparents but my mom never let my boys do any of what she let Camilla do. I regret not speaking to my mom before she passed but I did try to have a conversation with her when I noticed the favoritism..I did so only because my boys started asking why their mimi treated a neighbor child better than she did them. Good luck hun
I agree with her son, more than likely I would have done the same thing. I have learned in life that you do not have to be mistreated by parents, siblings or otherwise. We respect our parents and want to please them, but there are boundaries in all things. This is a boundary that should have never been crossed, I don’t care what Lilly does, the mother should not have asked him to move his car, lily could park on the street. It’s so much to be said about this action, it was wrong.
Mom playing games with you by acting that way, possibly to make you jealous because you aren't spending more time with her. Kids grow up and get their own lives...shuttling kids around and trying to shuffle their own lives. Mom needs to get a life.. one day lily will and won't be using that parking spot either ..maybe mom will build a shrine there. Nta but mom wants your attention.
Mom DID get a life. She is lonely, husband gone, kids and grandkids don't live close. She is close with her neighbors, they are like family. She has every right to make new connections. And it's HER driveway to do with what she wants. If she purposely overreacted or was rude about the parking spot, I'd get his upset. But sounds like he was just asked to move his car and made it all about his jealousy. He even posted asking if he was the a*****e because he knows it was an overreaction. If she was trying to manipulate him into spending more time, I would think she would have bent over backwards for him once he showed up to see her. And she would be telling him all about this Europe trip, but really he just happened to see pics on Facebook. He doesn't even know the circumstances because she didn't tell him, and he didn't bother to ask. The girl may have paid her own way or her parents paid, their financial situation has likely changed since her mom was young and single mother.
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The amount of people who are okay with this woman showing blatant favoritism to this girl (especially after she has made it clear from the beginning that she was disappointed with only having boys) boggles the mind. Especially since in any other golden child situation the one who isn't the favorite gets the support. I don't blame him for leaving. Being made to move his car for no reason was the last straw for him, and I'm glad he left.
He obviously feels some resentment but I would say it wasn't formed in a vacuum. This is far deeper than resentment of Lily. She's just a trigger. If his mother always wanted a daughter, she may of brought up her sons knowing that since day one. How would you like your mother telling you all your life she wanted a daughter. If a child is sensitive, they may feel inadequate & believe their mother never loved them. You are all making an assumption she was a great mother. The mother's behavior on the parking situation is somewhat telling how she has treated her sons. Why can't Lily park in front of the house, it's only for a few days. He's a guest. Why Lily & his mother don't understand that. Lily's mother seems to have taken advantage of the mother. That's probably why Lily is there helping out. Who allows a neighbor to spend so much time & money on their child, even if it's a substitute mother/granny. That doesn't seem right.
Everybody going YTA but mom is traveling and not once did he say she came to visit. Mom is sending the kid to private school did the grandson go. It is well known mom wanted girls and got boys and grandson. I bet mom made Lily the priority all the time.
Most definitely NTA but I'm curious about something...I wonder what led up to the ask. Like, did Lily come whining that someone was in her "spot"?
Sorry but your mom is a banana boat that needs mental help. Lily's family are a bunch of scammers and users and should be ashamed of themselves for using an old lady like this. They are milking her dry and your mother is too stupid to see it. Boy don't we all wish we had neighbors this dumb and rich! Bet Lily is getting more in the will then you and your brother too!!!
I don't think anyone is a AH here but I don't think he should of left over moving his car, but I doubt that he left just over the car he was making a statement. However I kind of understand why his mother is so open to being an adoptive grandmother. My father's wife is from Africa and she has an entire family network of strangers who are from round about her birth home. Culture and weave connection especially when what you're surrounded by is not your culture. She took Lily to Europe because they had that culture in common, even though they were generations apart in age. I don't think it's personal towards her son she just has a special relationship with this young lady. The son shouldn't take it personally or keep score.
YTA. I read the problem at the beginning. You only see your mother once or twice a year. The mother was lonely and a family fell into her lap. She has become dependent on them for attention and help with daily tasks. The OP sees his mother as someone who isnt growing older. He is the little boy looking at the eyes he saw a long time ago. Lily is being all things that the grandsons should be, but they are never there. Once or twice a year doesnt do much when older people need much more. Just because they are old and dont verbalize their feelings it does not mean that they don't need people in their lives. It seems that OP just picked up and left instead of asking more, such as, why should I move the car when we just got here? Talk to your mother and find out about her life. You just come around once in a while. How do you all communicate when you are so far away? Most women wish for a daughter after having a son or two. She wasn't trying to replace OP. She had an empty spot.
My mom used to “adopt” other people. My sister and bent over backwards to help her and be at her beck and call when she needed us but it was never enough. I had to move across the state because of my husband’s job and she was angry and said terrible things because l was “abandoning” her. We would always have to hear about these wonderful other people. The irony was that they really didn’t like her and when she finally had to go into care because of her dementia and they realized they weren’t in her will, they dropped her like a sack of dog s**t.
I've dealt w this kind of favoritism while my mom was alive. And I deal w it as my oldest daughter favors another lady over me. I wouldn't have left NOR moved my car. I would have hugged my mom and said love you. Not moving the car. I'm glad you have Lily to help you and I'm glad you have your pseudo daughter. Kisses, smiles. The kids unfortunately are the losers in this thing.
Total overreaction... Especially if the woman helps his mom far more than he does.... Gotta disagree with "Yeah, okay" got the simple fact that it's his mother's house not his and you're supposed to respect your parents and their house rules not insist on your own just cause you don't feel important enough as you're barley around.....
This post only shows one side of the story. To be quite frank...the son just seems a bit jealous of the relationship of the mom to Lily. Last...it's the mom's driveway, mom's house and mom's money. All in which he has no control over. She can do what she wants with her money and it is none of his business what she does with it. The son just sounds like a spoiled brat.
OP lives 8 hours away from his mother, meanwhile the neighbor family sees her every day and she's developed a close relationship. OP is an AH. If he wants a closer relationship to his mother then he's gonna have to put in the effort.
From the info I have I'm gonna say NTA and I'm sorry that she seems to show much favouritism also asking you to move your car in the drive way already there is beyond my compression a that's probably extremely rude you were there first and b the drive way is your mother's not lily I'm sure she's a sweet girl but your mother is being plain biased and rude plus she doesn't get to see her grandkids often if I had to bet so she should value the time she gets to spend with YOU and your KIDS/her GRANDKIDS over lily whom she sees on a daily basis most likely!
I'm wondering how gender roles play into the scenario. Females are to be protected and cared for while males are left to manage independently, including making their way from the street to the home.
This story is so poorly told its difficult to accurately reply, but if you ever get close to someone and tell them you love them like they are family, then you can't just diss them at your own convenience simply because an actual family member shows up. If this person shows up to visit and throws a hissy fit over where to park its rediculous they get offended and should park wherever they are told to and it not be a big deal at all. Sounds like a huge selfishness problem by the visitor. 8 hours away isn't actually that far, but that part should not even be part of the argument. You can't just blow into town if you decided to move away and act like you never left. Why would anyone "want" to take someone's parking spot? That's certainly not very friendly. Heck, if he had handled it differently and there was a good reason, Lilly probably would have offered the spot to him. I commend the mom for sticking by Lily because the son is going to go away again and it's Lilly who will remain.
Op is TA he left because he's jealous that his mom is close to this girl who obviously cares a lot about his mother and helps her all the time. Lily and the mom also has an agreement that she can use the driveway, so in my opinion OP is just being childish. The mom could have had this agreement with a random neighbor and would still be in the right to ask op move.
You definitely not the ahole, your mom however, is. Apparently, you and your sons were born born the “wrong gender”. It seems like your mom does not like men, and would have preferred a daughter, because she’s proven that she’s more than willing to happily trade you and your sons in for a female neighbor. This is the type of mom that should end up alone in a nursing home. Maybe lily will visit her.
Lily and Lily's family is not using their neighbor lady for money, but also destroying the neighbor lady's relationship with her family. In the end, family will be the ones to be with you. Lily will grow up, move on, move away, just like the son had to. Only the son will always try to go back home to visit Mom, while Lily will visit her own parents. Lily and her family are leeches.
Your mother is being emotionally taken advantage of. Because she started out with babysitting, her neighbors escalated their greedy entitlement to free tuition and an 8 week European excursion. Your mother has been taken advantage of for years. Help her to see the light. She may be in physical danger, if she cuts them off.
Well, dude, I think YTA..You live only 8 hour drive away, but only see your mom a couple times a year? There's your answer right there. Lily and her family see your mom every day. I'm sure they're helping her every day as well. Can you understand why she's developed a closer bond with Lily and her family? That entire family is looking out for your mom on a daily basis. How many times a month do you call your mom? The fact that you're living in another city isn't the problem. You could be communicating with your mom via Zoom or anything else a couple times a week. I note a bit of jealousy. You didn't need this to happen. It's understandable that your mom has bonded with this family, and that bond is very strong. It's got nothing to do with the languages the other family speaks, or parking spaces. That's shallow stuff. It's the way you've let the bond with your own mother slide. But you must understand by now how this happened. What you do about it is up to you. Grow up and figure it out
How do you know he doesn't attempt with his mom regularly? I don't see where it says that, nor where it says his mother made any attempt to visit or communicate regularly with her sons or grandsons. In most of these comments, people are making lots of assumptions not based on the OP's description.
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He's definitely T A. Instead of the O P telling his mother how he felt, he blew up over a parking space. A parking space at his mom's house, which she dictates who uses it. And Lily uses it everyday. You're basically a guest. Act like it.
Didn't read anything about why he and his sons only visited a couple of times a year. Could be that he'd try to visit more, but she was doing something with Lily and her family at the time. Or maybe it was him and his family being too busy to visit.
Or may e he is a single parent, or has a terminally ill spouse, or can't get much time off from work. Too much of the background is missing.
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Her house. Her rules that simple no reason she and lilly should have to change their lives up just cause he is visiting sounds like he has been jealous for years.
Well, yta. But for the simple fact that op's mom asked him to do something that seems pretty minor, and instead of just doing it (the car was already unloaded, right?) He made a scene like a child and left. Lots more here going on than he's admitted, but I love the neighbors that look in on my folks, as I am not close enough to do it as much as I would like. And my mom adores this lady and her kids. Angels, as far as I'm concerned.
Maybe the old lady felt easier to connect with a girl - or maybe she felt easier to connect with someone she met more than 3 times a year. Relationships need to be cultivated, and it takes both sides to do so, OP cannot put it all on his mom. Yeah, OP could have gotten the parking spot for a few days - but it was important for the lady to keep things as usual for the girl. Did OP have to make a big deal out of it? No. He is just butthurt that his mom favours the girl, but the lady has every right and reason to do so! If she were an actual blood relative, would he still be pissed that she gets the spot, when she is the one helping out her mother all the time?
Why does everyone think it would be okay for mom to tell Lily she couldn't park in her (Lily's) own place? Mom GAVE HER THE PARKING SPACE. OP doesn't give any indication that he is disabled... There's no reason on this planet that he couldn't park fifty feet (at the most) away
Load More Replies... Lily is always there for OPs mum so she’s very attached to her, whereas he chooses to live 8 hours away. The mom is NTA. She just loves her adopted family more than her blood relatives, who only visit her 1-3 times a year. She still loves her sons and grandsons but daughters have a bond with a woman a son could never have. Women talk and share much, much more than men so they bond closely. It’s natural she would rather travel with another female than a male. Women understand each other in ways men never can. Stop being jealous and be happy for your mom. She would be very lonely without her wonderful neighbors and Lily.
I think he's totally the AH. Lily has become her Tamiya since he can't be bothered to see her more than once or twice a year. An 8-hour drive isn't that much if he really cares about his mother. I can't believe all the people defending him.
If I had kids of my own and my mother did this, I would tell them she died, and never visit again while she is alive. Some people need to be taught a lesson, especially old feminist spinsters who treat their own offspring like trash simply because of immutable characteristics they had no control over.
More than likely the fact that neither son learned french or Italian is just the tip of the iceberg about who they are in regard to certain cultural ideologies. The OP probably has demonstrated a nature that told mom that they won't be around to care for her and instead would put her in a home. She has someone in Lily who she believes shares the same values and culture and would take the hits and suffer and be there when she needs it. She knows the OP wouldn't be the one wiping her butt when she has dementia so why shouldn't she treat the one who will better?
It's true blood is thicker than water but there's exceptions to everything. The way this son sounds, I bet everyone is glad he moved 8 hours away. The son should be happy his mom has someone to help his elderly mother since he's not around. If I had been him, I would have been grateful to Lilly. What a shame the son didn't see this as a chance to also show Lilly gratitude and perhaps even join the mom with welcome arms to the family. Lilly could be like a sister to him. I don't know about the son, but my own family is so dysfunctional it would always be welcome to add a new friend to my life. How mean of the son to do anything to make Lilly possibly feel bad. If I showed up out of the blue to visit my family, no matter how long I'd been away, and acted like a jerk and wanted to storm off hot headed and mad...my family would have said don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out.
At first, I didn't understand at all. I've driven 10 hours to visit parents and parked in the street and it never occurred to me to feel angry. But this isn't about the parking- it's about the attention the OP feels his family isn't getting, and that is understandable. But relationships are a two-way street. You can't expect someone to give and give and not get anything in return. Why is OP mad that she is giving European vacations and tuition to others, when he's only giving her two visits a year? If you want more, put in more.
He's an ah simply because his over reaction took time with Grandma away from his son's. What mom did was hurtful but he is a grown man and should be able to move his car 10 ft. (Or say hey Mom I just drove 8 hours I'll move it later)
I think the son overreacted. And because of it, he gave up an opportunity for his boys to bond with their grandmother. She & Lily have a routine - Lily parks in the driveway. Fine, period. He could have overlooked this & parked on the street himself. His mom has a life too & can't always drop everything for him.
After reading the comments, and subsequent answers from OP, I have to say that the OP was definitely the AH; and a very childish one at that. 1. OP has lived eight hours away, only visiting his mother and AVERAGE of twice per year, for at least eighteen years. So in eighteen years, mom/grandmom has seen him and his kids (again, average) less than 40 times. 2. Lily moved in the same timeframe that OP moved away. So while OP is averaging twice a year, Lily is seeing his mom EVERY DAY. 3. OP admits he does nothing to help his mom and that Lily takes care of her on a daily basis. This right here is enough to show us WHY his mother has a closer relationship with Lily than with him. Add in the fact that Lily made the effort to learn at least one, if not both of his parents native languages (and presumably talks with mom in those languages) and that OP didn't? Damn me, but to my eyes, that makes OP extremely uncaring and self centered. Especially when neither of his kids even kno
Neither of his kids even know how to at least say "thank you grandma" in her native tongue. That right there is disgustingly uncaring and rude. As far as giving his kids $300 each, and failing to tell us (initially) that she has college funds set up for them, then complaining that she chose to help Lily with school (while Lily was taking the time to visit her, get to know her, learn her native language, take care of her later on...) And then went abroad with Lily, presumably to her native homeland, where Lily could get along, but he would have been lost in five minutes max? He is most DEFINITELY, the AH, and an extremely large and smelly one at that! Finally, he gets told he needs to move his car because he is parked in seone elses spot.... Doesn't MATTER who that person is. Mom GAVE that spot to Lily; to make Lily moved would be rude beyond imagining. It's plain to me that OP is just worried about what will "be left" when mom dies...
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Sorry, but this guy sounds like a douche. If he's really so crushed by his mom's behavior, then why go visit in the first place. Secondly, it's mom's house, if she wants you out of her driveway, then get the f**k out of her driveway. Grown a*s man acting like a jealous toddler, in front of his own kids. Just stay home. Problem solved
It seems to me he's jealous and understandably so, this is what happens when you don't properly communicate things. He did overreact with the parking, as it seems he has resentment towards his mom because of lily. Hopefully they talk things out because it's heavy to hold a grudge and the only one it's effecting is him. It's not a competition, there's room to love multiple people.
Wow, I understand why his mom might prefer Lilly...a parking spot/making a point is more important for him than spending time with his mom. If you are old enough to have kids on your own, you should be able to talk about your feelings being devaluated with your parents. Instead acting like a brat.
It is his mother's house, her driveway, and he is a guest. He should be courteous. If she was rude in how she asked him to move his car, then he has a right to be angry. But it is not a big thing to ask someone to park on the street. Spending time with your aging mother and letting your kids get see their grandmother is more important than a parking spot. Also, she is allowed to do whatever she wants with her money. He shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, she has been very generous with her grandchildren. $300 each for graduation present? My family would never, they don't have that kind of money, and she is likely on a fixed income. Plus she set them up college funds? Say thank you and stop comparing. He doesn't know what all she has even given to Lily and it isn't his business. His kids don't seem to know or care, and unless she has said harsh things to him and his sons to make them feel that they're all less in her eyes, then he is just assuming this is about gender nepotism.
This isn't about Lily, nor is it her fault. She's a nice kid who helps out his mom and spends time with her. That's a good thing. She is generous with Lily as well as her grandchildren. He shouldn't be comparing the gifts, and he isn't even sure of what has been given to Lily, but it is his mother's to give. It's not his business. She gave generously to her grandchildren and he and they should be grateful. If he only cares about the money and the perks of being her blood relative, then shame on him. If he is really concerned with not feeling like he and his kids are as close to his mother as the neighbors, he can speak to his mother about feeling slighted and they can both work to mend that bridge and be closer. But equal monetary gifts do not equate to equal love and respect or time spent together. It sounds like he needs to ask himself what matters most in his relationship with his mother. The fight is petty. He needs to communicate with her.
There is absolutely no evidence presented to suggest Lily is a ‘nice kid’. I would say quite the opposite. Lily’s mother definitely has taken financial advantage of her neighbor for two decades, and it would seem she taught Lily to keep the grift going.
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Yta, mom gave the neighbor permission to park there, it's her spot and expects to park there. It's not being favorite it's being that's her spot and she is a local and uses her spot everyday and should not be inconvenienced for a spoiled child. Your kids got 300 each, your mother went on a trip with her friend who shares her interests. Your mother's does all she has to and more as a mother, yet has a friend and someone she connects with..would it be different if this was a woman her age. She wanted a daughter, never got one...still loved her kids yet made a friend to fit her needs and that friendship bloomed and that girl loves her and didn't just use her. Your mom sounds awesome and can go on trips with her friends. Like you said you don't haveinterests nor made efforts to learn languages or cultures, yet expect to be treated like a God. Yta, and I an sure you went on lots of trips with mommy and daddy. Like seriously yta and sound entitled. Lily knows how to be decent.
It sounds like the neighbor family has ingratiated itself into grandma's life and her wealth.
Twice a year is not very much when you live only 8 hours away. Would an 18 year old boy even WANT to go to Europe with his grandmother for EIGHT weeks? I seriously doubt it. The grandmother hired a grateful companion to go with her on a family visit abroad. She probably needed Lily to make the trip. And finally, wouldn’t a gentleman naturally move his car for a lady, even without being asked? They certainly would in my (and his Mother’s) generation. He definitely over reacted.
Load More Replies... If you read the comments, one of them is kind of telling: he answers a question that Lily helps his mom out all the time, while he and his son live 8 hours away. So essentially Lily has become a sort of step daughter, and is looking out for his mom all the time. Which tells me a few things: he is unnecessarily jealous, and he doesn't appreciate the kindness of someone else being there for his 60- year old mother while he isn't. So if it's "Lily's Spot", he's being ungracious and petty. HOWEVER. Since he lives 8 hours away m that means he's a GUEST. Guests get priority, because they are only visiting for a short time. I'm surprised a gal from Italy forgot this. VERDICT: Everybody Sucks Here. Grace on BOTH SIDES would have made this completely unnecessary.
Also the mum may have gone to Europe with Lily but that does not necessarily mean she paid for her, Lilys parents may well have paid. The son admits he only knows they went because of pics on Facebook, so was he ever willing to take his mumtravelling with him? If not then shut up about her having a life outside of the 2 or 3 times a year he bothers to even see her.
Load More Replies... People think their blood trumps all. Lilly is like a relative to her. They should treat her like a niece/sister. And she is doing the bulk of the heavy lifting. I would be glad for Lilly, not the other way around.
I agree. I have a sister who was “adopted” into my family as an adult. She helped out with my late aunt in her last year. She visits my grandmother often. She helps my parents with their volunteer projects. Even though she’s not blood and didn’t grow up with us, she’s still my sister. Our family has done a lot for her, but she’s done a lot for our family.
Load More Replies... There is a lot of info missing since this isn't just over a parking spot. If OP feels so slighted he didn't learn his parents' cultures and languages, why didn't he learn them? My kids are multinational and speak (mostly so far) both languages. Did his parents do the "This is America, we speak English here!" thing that many immigrant parents did that has mostly faded away? There is a lot of resentment on OP's side, I get it, but they aren't discussing it with the right person: their mom. Honestly, it would be great to have a guided talk with a family therapist to work on mending relationships
Surely OP has heard for years that his mom wanted a daughter, but had two sons instead. Then she was equally disappointed that her grandchildren are all male. I've also noticed that grandma doesn't seem to have made any trips to see her children/grandchildren but her sons have made the effort. Unless she's handicapped (it doesn't appear she's financially strapped) I don't see why she's not visiting her family. With the obvious favoritism and and disappointment, I think OP just had it and wasn't going to let his sons being treated as second thoughts.
Load More Replies... Everyone is commenting about the trip to Europe but what was clear to me is that the son's hurt runs deep after realizing his own mom didn't bother to teach him and his brother about her own culture as she did Lily. Lily may not be blood, but the mom treats her better than her own blood and flesh. Favoritism is still favoritism, it still hurts and the mom showed clearly she considers Lily much more than her own son. For her, it was just a parking spot, for her son it was the last straw that broke the camel's back.
Mother got a pseudo daughter, all it cost her is her relationship with her son and grandsons. She'll proably spin it as "they just overreacted over a parking spot" ignoring this is just sum total of sheer amount of disrespect she shown them.
Is Lily the reason why he visits his mother only 1-2 times a year? The girl is around the mother every day, while the son moved away. It is so strange, that the mother feels more close to Lily than to the son? Who, additionally, puts emphasis on the amount of money she spent on his family or Lily, as he would already inherited it.
Load More Replies... Clearly he has quite a bit of resentment because that seems like a drastic reaction to such a ridiculous request. I can understand how that would make him feel some sort of way but he should have just communicated that her and even told her he wasn't going to move his car. I may get some down votes and that's fine because as much as I agree his mom's request was inconsiderate, I think he was selfish and deprived his kids of spending time with their grandma.
…deprived his sons from time with a grand-mom that would've rather had a daughter and granddaughters….and shows it every chance she gets🤷♂️.
Load More Replies... OP's mom's priorities are telling. When her grandsons who she only sees once or twice a year come to visit, she's instantly thinking about the parking situation. What I read into that is that her grandsons aren't important to her. I'd be interested to know why Lily parking in the driveway instead of the street is so important to her.
The mother can absolutely maintain a relationship with Lily without offering her perks that she doesn't even give to her own grandchildren. She could have very easily asked if one of her grandchildren wanted to go to Europe with her. Also, I don't see anything wrong with allowing Lily to use her extra parking spot but she should have not GIVEN that spot to Lily. Lily should have found another spot to park knowing family was going visit for a few days. That's on Lily. I come from a family where my mother obviously favors my brother. It's not healthy. All in all I feel the grandma is in the wrong. I didn't read anywhere that grandma is offering to take her grandkids ANYWHERE, let alone Europe.
I had to read the open again. It says "Some backstory" but should have been "Barely any backstory". How was he and his brother treated growing up? Why didn't his mom teach them the native language if she was so proud of it? How were they treated when they had her grandsons? How did she treat them after OP's father died? I feel like I just stepped into the middle of a Star Wars marathon the first time through and Darth Vader just told Luke that he was his father...... what happened leading up to this????? If they faced years of motherly neglect, than NTA, but if she always provided for them and this was an isolated incident, than the European trip could have just been "Thank you for being there for me while my sons are taking care of their own families". Not enough information provided is my judgment until I read more.
I have a psych degree, read the post a few of times to make sure I completely understood. I find it more interesting how people created their elaborate dialogues which are very bias way to justify their replies. There's a few family issues going on. The OP is insightful enough to question his behavior which is what the post is about not the other items people seem to want to address. Enjoyed your star wars analogy. I'm very visual great picture in my brain now. I noticed you used the word neglect. I would say she probably had an indifference towards her sons which they're subconsciously aware of. As an adult he probably noticed the same behavior towards the grandsons. Your take on the Lily vacation is a interesting view on the situation. I think that is what brought it home for him & the parking spot as too much. I do question the relationship with Lily. Even if close, it seems off to me. Most wouldn't accept such monetary gifts for their child.
Load More Replies... Interesting that the responses quoted here are so one-sided. In the post, LOTS of people sided with the mom because family is about more than blood. Lily can be family without it being on paper. She's helping out the mom every day, not just "some neighbor kid". Obviously opinions were mixed, but this summary definitely chooses a side.
I think bored panda draws a younger audience and that changes the point of view dynamic. I don't think the son was an AH but I also don't think there is anything wrong with his mother deeply connecting with the family next door and playing a grandma role to a girl she's obviously watched grow up. Also when you consider the son is the adult parent or a boy her age it comes off weird that he would feel any kind of competition with the girl who has been a child for as long as he's been an adult. I mean, is it favoritism or is it just a hat his mom is looking out for a young girl and treating her like a child while treating her son like a grown man. It may be she didn't want her to park in the street because she's lady.
Load More Replies... Kids grow up and move away , they are supposed to.With that being said if your child makes an effort to stop their life to come spend so time then they should be top priority. She did not want Lily to park in the street but it is ok for her son to. The mom has her priorities screwed up six ways to Sunday. If Lily was such a good person then she would have said, hey let your son have the spot while he is here , visit with your family and I will step back.He is NTAH
Exactly. I was thinking the same about Lily. She can't park on the street for a couple of days? It's too much of an inconvenience to her?! I've given my garage parking spot to friends who visit.
Load More Replies... My grandparents moved over 2k miles away when I was young. I remember large family events where they didn't attend. My mother always said "When they moved, they choose to leave the family" Now as an adult and the only child that stayed in their city. I understand this. My parents have since passed and my siblings complain that they didn't get to spend enough time with them, that our children don't have relationships. Too bad, that's what they choose when they moved. Same case here. You want that space in the driveway, show up for more than 4 days a year. You want your kids to go to Europe with Grandma? Maybe you shouldn't live so far that your kids are strangers to her. This is worse than having your cake and eating it too. This is asking someone to bake the cake then complaining. I think the guys ta for not realizing that life went on after he left. He sounds like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum.
Also, he notably didn’t want his kids to go on a trip with grandma, he wanted her to give them the equivalent amount in cash so they can spend it on something that doesn’t involve her.
Load More Replies... It's messed up that your mother put a stranger in front of her own children and grandchildren. You drove 8 hours to spend some time with her then she has the nerve to tell you to move your car so "Lily" can park in the driveway wow. Plus she paid for an 8 week trip to Europe and taught her French and Italian but never once tried to teach you or your brothers? She gave her blood grand son's a $300 check wow. Can we say favoritism to the highest for real. Your mom has made her choice and she keeps throwing it in your face. Me personally I would just be done trying. But this is me
He has no idea if she paid for any or all of the Europe trip. It didn't sound like he asked, he just saw pics on fb and assumed. Also, he should be thrilled that his elderly mother on a likely fixed income gave each of her grandkids $300 as a gift. That's nuts to me. No one in my family would do that and don't have the money for it. He should be grateful his mom is so giving. Yeah if she constantly goes way overboard on Lily, I can see it hurting. But his kids don't even seem aware of it or care, and he even admits she gave his kids more in the college funds she set up for them. Another amazing contribution he should be grateful for. She could give them nothing. She seems like she tries to be a good grandmother. She just also helps out her basically adopted grandchild and that what he seems to have a problem with. That the girl isn't blood, and he feels slighted because he thinks his mom would rather have a daughter. She may feel closer to Lily because she IS closer and SEES her more.
Load More Replies... I sat he is TA. His mom started forming a bond with Lily AFTER he and his brothers left home...in fact he was 30! So, its not like she neglected her sons when they were young. Also, his mom even has college funds for his son and nephew, so she's not neglecting her grandsons either. So what if she took Lily to Europe for 8 weeks. Would he or his kid have gone with his mom? l doubt it....they only see her twice a year. So she askes him to move his car...its a bit annoying but not that big a deal. He is acting like a spoiled entitled brat. He could have just moved his car and spent time with his mom rather than leave in a huff. l mean he barely sees her as it is, and now he won't even take her calls or go see her again? For what? Because she formed a bond with another child? Time to grow up buddy. Your mom is entitled to life outside of your relationship with her. Especially since your dad is gone.
And apparently dad approved of paying for lily to go to a private school also...in their hearts she is their grandchild.
Load More Replies... Definitely NTA it’s not about the parking space , the money , etc. it’s about the lack of effort on his mothers end to bond with her grandsons. She wanted a daughter any daughter, I had 3 boys before I had my daughter, only granddaughter, niece, great granddaughter! She gets treated like a queen compared to the boys & it’s not ok or fair. I can see his point of view, he hurt by the unfair treatment of his boys!
The OP is jealous and has reacted like a petulant child. The mother is a bit inflexible ‘Lily always parks there!’ but I am sure she was surprised by the explosive response. I certainly would be. OP is absolutely in the wrong to upset everyone. Fortunately his mum is reaching out and ready to spend time together... he needs to apologise and accept. Lily is doing a lot of his parental care work for him, he owes her thanks.
It wasn't "Lily always parks there"... It's "that's Lily's parking spot". Mom gave her that spot since Lily didn't have a space at home to park. And to an Italian lady, once she gives something, it is no longer hers to take back or to decide how to use it
Load More Replies... NAH/YTA parking spots shouldn't really matter, but OP isn't thinking of his kids, he's only thinking of his petty jealousy. According to OP's of the replies to a comment, Lily helps out his mum loads, and forcing kids to spend 16 hours in the car because you're mad your mum is nice to her neighbours (albeit more than slightly extra) is unneccesary
I don’t recall seeing the OP say that Lily helps her out loads And it’s not like Lily is doing it for free. She is getting thousands of dollars a year for a private education (which I’m sure her sons didn’t get) and an eight week trip to Europe. iIf she’s not driving a jalopy pretty good chance that mom bought her car. Grandma could only afford 600 bucks for her grandchildren, which is less money than what it cost to fly Lily to Europe. Is there a special reason why Nana couldn’t take all three of those children that just graduated from high school and are headed off to college possibly soon? Nope, no chance in hell just Lily. And making assumptions about how the OP lives with his children saying that Nana would probably have to shuttle her self by cab back-and-forth to some dingy hotel is probably the reason why she doesn’t go there to visit is just c**p on your part. Wouldn’t you be jealous if mom was showing favoritism to the lady next-door’s daughter, but not yours.
Load More Replies... You need to check the will before you.lose everything to the sister your mother never had.
I'm so torn here. I feel like a guest who is visiting temporarily should be allowed to park wherever they want, since, you know, they are a guest. I feel like it was rude to demand her son, the *guest* to move his car, really. I'd feel rude if I'd been the one asking someone to move their car. Why can't they *share* the driveway? I don't know, maybe I'm just too short-sighted on this, since I couldn't see myself being closer to someone else's kid(s) than I am to my own. This whole situation seems strange to me...I'd be worried about Lily's parents taking advantage of this poor mother's kindness (I'm not saying they are, but she is being awfully generous to a kid that isn't even related to her for no other reason than the fact that she's a female). I do sense some jealousy from the son, which I understand in a way, but I don't think he should have just up and left. He'd be regretting that decision if something horrible happened to his mom afterward. ESH, except Lily.
I have a psych degree. There's a lot going on here. I don't think it's jealousy. It's more to due with his mother's indifference towards him & the grandsons. He resents it which is understandable. How would you feel growing up knowing your mother always wanted a daughter & then you had 3 boys. It's as if he's not good enough. This has been building up for years. The parking spot just triggered it. Why didn't she communicate to him before hand not to park there if it was so important. I do think Lily's mother has taken advantage of granny. She's basically had her take responsibility for most of her child's upbringing. She's also taught Lily that you do things for others for monetary value.
Load More Replies... Two issues here. 1. The parking spot…your mom informed you of a parking situation at her place of residence. Its not personal, its the situation that has been established, so you should abide by it. 2. You're resentful of Lily's position in your mom's life. She's your mom's friend, confidante. She happens to be young like a daughter, so it feels more like a competitor. If you want to have a better position in your mom's life, you need to work at it too. More communication, more listening, more visits, more trips together, more invitations, more talking about things you feel, and listening to her too. Forge the relationship you want to have with her. She will LOVE it if you reach out in love with your grandkids too. It will be a win win for you and the kids.
He’s the AH. If that is Lily’s regular parking spot then he’s making a big deal out of nothing. Yes, she could park on the street this once but I thought at first they’d both traveled and mum was saying Lily should have it over him, rather than that is her spot that mum gave her the use of years ago. He’s upset that Lily knows French and Italian and he doesn’t but he didn’t say that he’s ever tried. Lily has had to work at learning two languages out of respect to his parents, which he and his children haven’t done. If she knows mum’s recipes (he weirdly knows a lot about Lily), then they presumably cook together. Did he ever express an interest in cooking with his mum? Mum probably took Lily on the trip because mum also wanted to go on the trip and had no one to go with. Dad has died, sons have moved really far away, is she supposed to vacation alone or just never have one again for the rest of her life? He’s only thinking about the trip in terms of money.
Keep in mind too, Europe, probably means Italy and France, her native countries... Lily is interested and can get around both places... He CAN'T
Load More Replies... Whatever it takes to never have to have that feeling of, "Your not good enough because,..." I had already had a rotten and abusive childhood. When my daughter was 4 mos old I always had these new oldtimey bonnets on her. At an Easter gathering my mother made a loud exclamation,"I remember when you girls (5) were little I put bonnets on you!" I said, "That's a lie! You never did anything!" I excused myself, I left, and never spoke to the woman ever again. My daughter will be 29 in Dec 2022. I had to flow up and divorce myself and children from the rest of my family, for our safety and security. Sadly, my sister's carried the abuse, cunning and conniving, to their own families.
This is EXACTLY how my mom was towards her neighbors daughter...EXACTLY! The last Christmas before my mom passed, she said she had no money to buy my sons Christmas (although she was left 3 million when my grandparents passed) but gave "Camilla" elaborate gifts...I didn't speak to my mother the whole month before she passed because of the favoritism she showed towards the little girl..my mother wouldn't even keep my sons unless I had them bathed and fed before bringing them over in the evening and then I had to pick them up soon as they woke up...ridiculous! Camilla jumped all over her furniture and did all the things kids should be able to do with their grandparents but my mom never let my boys do any of what she let Camilla do. I regret not speaking to my mom before she passed but I did try to have a conversation with her when I noticed the favoritism..I did so only because my boys started asking why their mimi treated a neighbor child better than she did them. Good luck hun
I agree with her son, more than likely I would have done the same thing. I have learned in life that you do not have to be mistreated by parents, siblings or otherwise. We respect our parents and want to please them, but there are boundaries in all things. This is a boundary that should have never been crossed, I don’t care what Lilly does, the mother should not have asked him to move his car, lily could park on the street. It’s so much to be said about this action, it was wrong.
Mom playing games with you by acting that way, possibly to make you jealous because you aren't spending more time with her. Kids grow up and get their own lives...shuttling kids around and trying to shuffle their own lives. Mom needs to get a life.. one day lily will and won't be using that parking spot either ..maybe mom will build a shrine there. Nta but mom wants your attention.
Mom DID get a life. She is lonely, husband gone, kids and grandkids don't live close. She is close with her neighbors, they are like family. She has every right to make new connections. And it's HER driveway to do with what she wants. If she purposely overreacted or was rude about the parking spot, I'd get his upset. But sounds like he was just asked to move his car and made it all about his jealousy. He even posted asking if he was the a*****e because he knows it was an overreaction. If she was trying to manipulate him into spending more time, I would think she would have bent over backwards for him once he showed up to see her. And she would be telling him all about this Europe trip, but really he just happened to see pics on Facebook. He doesn't even know the circumstances because she didn't tell him, and he didn't bother to ask. The girl may have paid her own way or her parents paid, their financial situation has likely changed since her mom was young and single mother.
Load More Replies... The amount of people who are okay with this woman showing blatant favoritism to this girl (especially after she has made it clear from the beginning that she was disappointed with only having boys) boggles the mind. Especially since in any other golden child situation the one who isn't the favorite gets the support. I don't blame him for leaving. Being made to move his car for no reason was the last straw for him, and I'm glad he left.
He obviously feels some resentment but I would say it wasn't formed in a vacuum. This is far deeper than resentment of Lily. She's just a trigger. If his mother always wanted a daughter, she may of brought up her sons knowing that since day one. How would you like your mother telling you all your life she wanted a daughter. If a child is sensitive, they may feel inadequate & believe their mother never loved them. You are all making an assumption she was a great mother. The mother's behavior on the parking situation is somewhat telling how she has treated her sons. Why can't Lily park in front of the house, it's only for a few days. He's a guest. Why Lily & his mother don't understand that. Lily's mother seems to have taken advantage of the mother. That's probably why Lily is there helping out. Who allows a neighbor to spend so much time & money on their child, even if it's a substitute mother/granny. That doesn't seem right.
Everybody going YTA but mom is traveling and not once did he say she came to visit. Mom is sending the kid to private school did the grandson go. It is well known mom wanted girls and got boys and grandson. I bet mom made Lily the priority all the time.
Most definitely NTA but I'm curious about something...I wonder what led up to the ask. Like, did Lily come whining that someone was in her "spot"?
Sorry but your mom is a banana boat that needs mental help. Lily's family are a bunch of scammers and users and should be ashamed of themselves for using an old lady like this. They are milking her dry and your mother is too stupid to see it. Boy don't we all wish we had neighbors this dumb and rich! Bet Lily is getting more in the will then you and your brother too!!!
I don't think anyone is a AH here but I don't think he should of left over moving his car, but I doubt that he left just over the car he was making a statement. However I kind of understand why his mother is so open to being an adoptive grandmother. My father's wife is from Africa and she has an entire family network of strangers who are from round about her birth home. Culture and weave connection especially when what you're surrounded by is not your culture. She took Lily to Europe because they had that culture in common, even though they were generations apart in age. I don't think it's personal towards her son she just has a special relationship with this young lady. The son shouldn't take it personally or keep score.
YTA. I read the problem at the beginning. You only see your mother once or twice a year. The mother was lonely and a family fell into her lap. She has become dependent on them for attention and help with daily tasks. The OP sees his mother as someone who isnt growing older. He is the little boy looking at the eyes he saw a long time ago. Lily is being all things that the grandsons should be, but they are never there. Once or twice a year doesnt do much when older people need much more. Just because they are old and dont verbalize their feelings it does not mean that they don't need people in their lives. It seems that OP just picked up and left instead of asking more, such as, why should I move the car when we just got here? Talk to your mother and find out about her life. You just come around once in a while. How do you all communicate when you are so far away? Most women wish for a daughter after having a son or two. She wasn't trying to replace OP. She had an empty spot.
My mom used to “adopt” other people. My sister and bent over backwards to help her and be at her beck and call when she needed us but it was never enough. I had to move across the state because of my husband’s job and she was angry and said terrible things because l was “abandoning” her. We would always have to hear about these wonderful other people. The irony was that they really didn’t like her and when she finally had to go into care because of her dementia and they realized they weren’t in her will, they dropped her like a sack of dog s**t.
I've dealt w this kind of favoritism while my mom was alive. And I deal w it as my oldest daughter favors another lady over me. I wouldn't have left NOR moved my car. I would have hugged my mom and said love you. Not moving the car. I'm glad you have Lily to help you and I'm glad you have your pseudo daughter. Kisses, smiles. The kids unfortunately are the losers in this thing.
Total overreaction... Especially if the woman helps his mom far more than he does.... Gotta disagree with "Yeah, okay" got the simple fact that it's his mother's house not his and you're supposed to respect your parents and their house rules not insist on your own just cause you don't feel important enough as you're barley around.....
This post only shows one side of the story. To be quite frank...the son just seems a bit jealous of the relationship of the mom to Lily. Last...it's the mom's driveway, mom's house and mom's money. All in which he has no control over. She can do what she wants with her money and it is none of his business what she does with it. The son just sounds like a spoiled brat.
OP lives 8 hours away from his mother, meanwhile the neighbor family sees her every day and she's developed a close relationship. OP is an AH. If he wants a closer relationship to his mother then he's gonna have to put in the effort.
From the info I have I'm gonna say NTA and I'm sorry that she seems to show much favouritism also asking you to move your car in the drive way already there is beyond my compression a that's probably extremely rude you were there first and b the drive way is your mother's not lily I'm sure she's a sweet girl but your mother is being plain biased and rude plus she doesn't get to see her grandkids often if I had to bet so she should value the time she gets to spend with YOU and your KIDS/her GRANDKIDS over lily whom she sees on a daily basis most likely!
I'm wondering how gender roles play into the scenario. Females are to be protected and cared for while males are left to manage independently, including making their way from the street to the home.
This story is so poorly told its difficult to accurately reply, but if you ever get close to someone and tell them you love them like they are family, then you can't just diss them at your own convenience simply because an actual family member shows up. If this person shows up to visit and throws a hissy fit over where to park its rediculous they get offended and should park wherever they are told to and it not be a big deal at all. Sounds like a huge selfishness problem by the visitor. 8 hours away isn't actually that far, but that part should not even be part of the argument. You can't just blow into town if you decided to move away and act like you never left. Why would anyone "want" to take someone's parking spot? That's certainly not very friendly. Heck, if he had handled it differently and there was a good reason, Lilly probably would have offered the spot to him. I commend the mom for sticking by Lily because the son is going to go away again and it's Lilly who will remain.
Op is TA he left because he's jealous that his mom is close to this girl who obviously cares a lot about his mother and helps her all the time. Lily and the mom also has an agreement that she can use the driveway, so in my opinion OP is just being childish. The mom could have had this agreement with a random neighbor and would still be in the right to ask op move.
You definitely not the ahole, your mom however, is. Apparently, you and your sons were born born the “wrong gender”. It seems like your mom does not like men, and would have preferred a daughter, because she’s proven that she’s more than willing to happily trade you and your sons in for a female neighbor. This is the type of mom that should end up alone in a nursing home. Maybe lily will visit her.
Lily and Lily's family is not using their neighbor lady for money, but also destroying the neighbor lady's relationship with her family. In the end, family will be the ones to be with you. Lily will grow up, move on, move away, just like the son had to. Only the son will always try to go back home to visit Mom, while Lily will visit her own parents. Lily and her family are leeches.
Your mother is being emotionally taken advantage of. Because she started out with babysitting, her neighbors escalated their greedy entitlement to free tuition and an 8 week European excursion. Your mother has been taken advantage of for years. Help her to see the light. She may be in physical danger, if she cuts them off.
Well, dude, I think YTA..You live only 8 hour drive away, but only see your mom a couple times a year? There's your answer right there. Lily and her family see your mom every day. I'm sure they're helping her every day as well. Can you understand why she's developed a closer bond with Lily and her family? That entire family is looking out for your mom on a daily basis. How many times a month do you call your mom? The fact that you're living in another city isn't the problem. You could be communicating with your mom via Zoom or anything else a couple times a week. I note a bit of jealousy. You didn't need this to happen. It's understandable that your mom has bonded with this family, and that bond is very strong. It's got nothing to do with the languages the other family speaks, or parking spaces. That's shallow stuff. It's the way you've let the bond with your own mother slide. But you must understand by now how this happened. What you do about it is up to you. Grow up and figure it out
How do you know he doesn't attempt with his mom regularly? I don't see where it says that, nor where it says his mother made any attempt to visit or communicate regularly with her sons or grandsons. In most of these comments, people are making lots of assumptions not based on the OP's description.
Load More Replies... He's definitely T A. Instead of the O P telling his mother how he felt, he blew up over a parking space. A parking space at his mom's house, which she dictates who uses it. And Lily uses it everyday. You're basically a guest. Act like it.
Didn't read anything about why he and his sons only visited a couple of times a year. Could be that he'd try to visit more, but she was doing something with Lily and her family at the time. Or maybe it was him and his family being too busy to visit.
Or may e he is a single parent, or has a terminally ill spouse, or can't get much time off from work. Too much of the background is missing.
Load More Replies... Her house. Her rules that simple no reason she and lilly should have to change their lives up just cause he is visiting sounds like he has been jealous for years.
Well, yta. But for the simple fact that op's mom asked him to do something that seems pretty minor, and instead of just doing it (the car was already unloaded, right?) He made a scene like a child and left. Lots more here going on than he's admitted, but I love the neighbors that look in on my folks, as I am not close enough to do it as much as I would like. And my mom adores this lady and her kids. Angels, as far as I'm concerned.
Maybe the old lady felt easier to connect with a girl - or maybe she felt easier to connect with someone she met more than 3 times a year. Relationships need to be cultivated, and it takes both sides to do so, OP cannot put it all on his mom. Yeah, OP could have gotten the parking spot for a few days - but it was important for the lady to keep things as usual for the girl. Did OP have to make a big deal out of it? No. He is just butthurt that his mom favours the girl, but the lady has every right and reason to do so! If she were an actual blood relative, would he still be pissed that she gets the spot, when she is the one helping out her mother all the time?
Why does everyone think it would be okay for mom to tell Lily she couldn't park in her (Lily's) own place? Mom GAVE HER THE PARKING SPACE. OP doesn't give any indication that he is disabled... There's no reason on this planet that he couldn't park fifty feet (at the most) away
Load More Replies... Lily is always there for OPs mum so she’s very attached to her, whereas he chooses to live 8 hours away. The mom is NTA. She just loves her adopted family more than her blood relatives, who only visit her 1-3 times a year. She still loves her sons and grandsons but daughters have a bond with a woman a son could never have. Women talk and share much, much more than men so they bond closely. It’s natural she would rather travel with another female than a male. Women understand each other in ways men never can. Stop being jealous and be happy for your mom. She would be very lonely without her wonderful neighbors and Lily.
I think he's totally the AH. Lily has become her Tamiya since he can't be bothered to see her more than once or twice a year. An 8-hour drive isn't that much if he really cares about his mother. I can't believe all the people defending him.
If I had kids of my own and my mother did this, I would tell them she died, and never visit again while she is alive. Some people need to be taught a lesson, especially old feminist spinsters who treat their own offspring like trash simply because of immutable characteristics they had no control over.
More than likely the fact that neither son learned french or Italian is just the tip of the iceberg about who they are in regard to certain cultural ideologies. The OP probably has demonstrated a nature that told mom that they won't be around to care for her and instead would put her in a home. She has someone in Lily who she believes shares the same values and culture and would take the hits and suffer and be there when she needs it. She knows the OP wouldn't be the one wiping her butt when she has dementia so why shouldn't she treat the one who will better?
It's true blood is thicker than water but there's exceptions to everything. The way this son sounds, I bet everyone is glad he moved 8 hours away. The son should be happy his mom has someone to help his elderly mother since he's not around. If I had been him, I would have been grateful to Lilly. What a shame the son didn't see this as a chance to also show Lilly gratitude and perhaps even join the mom with welcome arms to the family. Lilly could be like a sister to him. I don't know about the son, but my own family is so dysfunctional it would always be welcome to add a new friend to my life. How mean of the son to do anything to make Lilly possibly feel bad. If I showed up out of the blue to visit my family, no matter how long I'd been away, and acted like a jerk and wanted to storm off hot headed and mad...my family would have said don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out.
At first, I didn't understand at all. I've driven 10 hours to visit parents and parked in the street and it never occurred to me to feel angry. But this isn't about the parking- it's about the attention the OP feels his family isn't getting, and that is understandable. But relationships are a two-way street. You can't expect someone to give and give and not get anything in return. Why is OP mad that she is giving European vacations and tuition to others, when he's only giving her two visits a year? If you want more, put in more.
He's an ah simply because his over reaction took time with Grandma away from his son's. What mom did was hurtful but he is a grown man and should be able to move his car 10 ft. (Or say hey Mom I just drove 8 hours I'll move it later)
I think the son overreacted. And because of it, he gave up an opportunity for his boys to bond with their grandmother. She & Lily have a routine - Lily parks in the driveway. Fine, period. He could have overlooked this & parked on the street himself. His mom has a life too & can't always drop everything for him.
After reading the comments, and subsequent answers from OP, I have to say that the OP was definitely the AH; and a very childish one at that. 1. OP has lived eight hours away, only visiting his mother and AVERAGE of twice per year, for at least eighteen years. So in eighteen years, mom/grandmom has seen him and his kids (again, average) less than 40 times. 2. Lily moved in the same timeframe that OP moved away. So while OP is averaging twice a year, Lily is seeing his mom EVERY DAY. 3. OP admits he does nothing to help his mom and that Lily takes care of her on a daily basis. This right here is enough to show us WHY his mother has a closer relationship with Lily than with him. Add in the fact that Lily made the effort to learn at least one, if not both of his parents native languages (and presumably talks with mom in those languages) and that OP didn't? Damn me, but to my eyes, that makes OP extremely uncaring and self centered. Especially when neither of his kids even kno
Neither of his kids even know how to at least say "thank you grandma" in her native tongue. That right there is disgustingly uncaring and rude. As far as giving his kids $300 each, and failing to tell us (initially) that she has college funds set up for them, then complaining that she chose to help Lily with school (while Lily was taking the time to visit her, get to know her, learn her native language, take care of her later on...) And then went abroad with Lily, presumably to her native homeland, where Lily could get along, but he would have been lost in five minutes max? He is most DEFINITELY, the AH, and an extremely large and smelly one at that! Finally, he gets told he needs to move his car because he is parked in seone elses spot.... Doesn't MATTER who that person is. Mom GAVE that spot to Lily; to make Lily moved would be rude beyond imagining. It's plain to me that OP is just worried about what will "be left" when mom dies...
Load More Replies... Sorry, but this guy sounds like a douche. If he's really so crushed by his mom's behavior, then why go visit in the first place. Secondly, it's mom's house, if she wants you out of her driveway, then get the f**k out of her driveway. Grown a*s man acting like a jealous toddler, in front of his own kids. Just stay home. Problem solved
It seems to me he's jealous and understandably so, this is what happens when you don't properly communicate things. He did overreact with the parking, as it seems he has resentment towards his mom because of lily. Hopefully they talk things out because it's heavy to hold a grudge and the only one it's effecting is him. It's not a competition, there's room to love multiple people.
Wow, I understand why his mom might prefer Lilly...a parking spot/making a point is more important for him than spending time with his mom. If you are old enough to have kids on your own, you should be able to talk about your feelings being devaluated with your parents. Instead acting like a brat.
It is his mother's house, her driveway, and he is a guest. He should be courteous. If she was rude in how she asked him to move his car, then he has a right to be angry. But it is not a big thing to ask someone to park on the street. Spending time with your aging mother and letting your kids get see their grandmother is more important than a parking spot. Also, she is allowed to do whatever she wants with her money. He shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, she has been very generous with her grandchildren. $300 each for graduation present? My family would never, they don't have that kind of money, and she is likely on a fixed income. Plus she set them up college funds? Say thank you and stop comparing. He doesn't know what all she has even given to Lily and it isn't his business. His kids don't seem to know or care, and unless she has said harsh things to him and his sons to make them feel that they're all less in her eyes, then he is just assuming this is about gender nepotism.
This isn't about Lily, nor is it her fault. She's a nice kid who helps out his mom and spends time with her. That's a good thing. She is generous with Lily as well as her grandchildren. He shouldn't be comparing the gifts, and he isn't even sure of what has been given to Lily, but it is his mother's to give. It's not his business. She gave generously to her grandchildren and he and they should be grateful. If he only cares about the money and the perks of being her blood relative, then shame on him. If he is really concerned with not feeling like he and his kids are as close to his mother as the neighbors, he can speak to his mother about feeling slighted and they can both work to mend that bridge and be closer. But equal monetary gifts do not equate to equal love and respect or time spent together. It sounds like he needs to ask himself what matters most in his relationship with his mother. The fight is petty. He needs to communicate with her.
There is absolutely no evidence presented to suggest Lily is a ‘nice kid’. I would say quite the opposite. Lily’s mother definitely has taken financial advantage of her neighbor for two decades, and it would seem she taught Lily to keep the grift going.
Load More Replies... Yta, mom gave the neighbor permission to park there, it's her spot and expects to park there. It's not being favorite it's being that's her spot and she is a local and uses her spot everyday and should not be inconvenienced for a spoiled child. Your kids got 300 each, your mother went on a trip with her friend who shares her interests. Your mother's does all she has to and more as a mother, yet has a friend and someone she connects with..would it be different if this was a woman her age. She wanted a daughter, never got one...still loved her kids yet made a friend to fit her needs and that friendship bloomed and that girl loves her and didn't just use her. Your mom sounds awesome and can go on trips with her friends. Like you said you don't haveinterests nor made efforts to learn languages or cultures, yet expect to be treated like a God. Yta, and I an sure you went on lots of trips with mommy and daddy. Like seriously yta and sound entitled. Lily knows how to be decent.
It sounds like the neighbor family has ingratiated itself into grandma's life and her wealth.
Twice a year is not very much when you live only 8 hours away. Would an 18 year old boy even WANT to go to Europe with his grandmother for EIGHT weeks? I seriously doubt it. The grandmother hired a grateful companion to go with her on a family visit abroad. She probably needed Lily to make the trip. And finally, wouldn’t a gentleman naturally move his car for a lady, even without being asked? They certainly would in my (and his Mother’s) generation. He definitely over reacted.
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