“My Sister And I Were No Longer Her Kids”: Guy Finally Snaps At His Mom And Tells Her He’s No Longer Her Son, Drama Ensues
Watching a family—any family—fall apart can be completely heartbreaking. One of the main sources of tension in any area of life is trying to force people to do something that they don’t want to. Setting boundaries, looking for compromises, talking about sensitive issues instead of letting the emotions fester over years and years—these are all powerful tools that can help you create the foundations of a healthy relationship.
Redditor u/ToreSoveren shared an emotional story online, asking for the AITA community’s verdict on whether how he treated his mom was fine or over the top. The author of the post explained how his mom spent years and years trying to ‘force’ her stepson into all family gatherings and affairs. She wanted everyone to treat her stepson as they did her other two kids.
However, because of this, the family got very distant. Sometime later, there was a massive argument between the OP and his mother, which led to him writing the post in the first place. Scroll down for the full story in the redditor’s own words, dear Pandas. When you’ve finished reading it, let us know who you think was in the wrong in this emotionally messy situation.
Respecting boundaries and taking into account how someone else feels lie at the core of healthy relationships
Image credits: Anna Shvets (not the actual photo)
A young man shared how his family grew distant after his mother tried ‘forcing’ her stepson into every interaction
Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ToreSoveren
In an ideal world, everyone would get along. However, we don’t live in one. Redditor u/ToreSoveren explained how it was nearly impossible to spend time with her dad’s side of the family after the divorce. His mother would try to ‘force’ her stepson into every interaction.
Objectively, both sides probably only wanted what they thought was best for everyone. The mom wanted everyone to accept her stepson as a true member of the extended family. Meanwhile, her other kids wanted to spend time with the people who knew their biological dad the best. No parent wants to see their adopted child ignored. No child wants to be made to love someone. Everyone wants their feelings to be taken into account.
They couldn’t come to a compromise. The result? Everyone grew distant, especially after the author of the postt moved out of the house.
The entire situation came to a head when the OP’s mom confronted him at work. The author wrote: “I told her she only had one kid, her stepson, and that my sister and I were no longer her kids and my family were no longer forced to include him to see us and that it was all her fault for forcing it in the first place.”
However, the argument was so charged that it made the man turn to the AITA subreddit for their advice. Most people thought that the OP didn’t do anything wrong. Some felt like his mom didn’t care about anyone else’s boundaries. Others thought that the mother was trying to cut her daughters off from their father’s side of the family.
When everyone feels like they’re right, it can be hard to make up after an argument, with tempers rising and emotions flying everywhere. However, if you do want to get past the so-called ‘post-argument hangover’ (because, let’s face it, everyone feels uncomfortable), one of the ways to close the gap is through physical touch. For example, a long hug helps you feel someone else’s heart rate and breathing, and helps both people co-regulate. You end up being soothed, just like you were when you were a baby.
Bored Panda reached out to parenting blogger Samantha Scroggin, the founder of the Walking Outside in Slippers project, for a few insights about moving past arguments with family members, as well as rekindling relationships with people who we’ve become estranged from.
“Unfortunately, I have a bit of experience in the area of family arguments as some of my extended family members have stopped speaking to each other because of disagreements. My husband and I have discussed never letting disagreements come between our family members, and talk to our kids often about the importance of maintaining close family bonds,” Samantha said.
“I realize that family dynamics can differ greatly from family to family, and that hurt feelings run deep. But for me, family love trumps disagreements, even big ones. We have such short lives and should do what we can to agree to disagree if necessary and move on from arguments. Of course, truly toxic family members are another beast entirely,” blogger Samantha explained to Bored Panda.
She also opened up about her own experience rekindling old friendships. “I recently reached out to a close friend I hadn’t spoken to for years following an argument about my wedding more than a decade ago. I missed him, and was willing to take the risk of getting hurt to see if he’d be receptive to talking. He was, and I’m so glad I extended a peace offering to him,” Samantha, from Walking Outside in Slippers, shared with us.
“In addition, I had a major falling out with a very close family member several years ago over politics, and we have repaired our relationship a little to the point we send text messages occasionally. But our relationship will likely never be what it once was. I would love to rebuild it, but she has changed. I think it’s important to expect those we love to change and evolve, and to be willing to roll with those changes. And if you want to reconnect with someone you’ve had a falling out with, I say do it. Not reconnecting when you could have would be a major missed opportunity to let someone special back in your life.”
The author of the viral post answered some of the questions others gave him and provided more context in the comments
Here’s how some people felt about the emotionally charged story
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We had a similar situation in my family, but my step-nephew was twelve when his mom married my brother. He was old enough to understand the dynamics. A seven-month old baby has no idea what's going on, just that his extended family never wanted him and now the only siblings he's ever known have rejected him. That's the saddest part of all this. That poor kid!
I agree, very sad for the baby. But if the baby wasn't forced on the OP father's family the baby wouldn't have been put in that situation and when the baby was old enough age appropriate explanations could be given, that the baby's older siblings had a different dad, so different extended family.
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NTA. Their mother sounds like she didn't really care either about her kids who wanted to spend time with their father's family, or about her stepson who probably didn't really want to be included cause he knew nothing about the man.
Blended families are tough and there is probably a great deal to unpack about how the kids were treated in the home but it was absolutely messed up to force the baby onto the OP grandparents that were not in any way related to the baby. Ok to say you send gifts to your grandchildren you send a reasonable gift to their stepbrother too. You bring gifts to grandkids (think Christmas, not birthday) you bring for stepbrother too. But the grandchildren should have been able to see their grandparents without their step brother, especially on their father's (a man who was completely out of the picture before the baby was in it) birthday. Mom could have made a true family but disregarded how her first two kids felt in favor of forcing the third kid into a situation he was to young to understand and no reason to be in.
My son & his wife are divorced. It's a little different as thank God my son is living. She was recently remarried but lived with him for years. The new husband has a son not much older than my 2 grandsons. Everyone gets along just fine. It was never forced by my ex DIL though. My son & grandsons have a great relationship with the stepson & the new husband. I do as well. I really like the new husband & his son. Mutual divorce so no hard feelings. They live in a distant state but I do send the stepson gifts at Christmas & he calls me Grandma when I visit. A bit different in circumstances but if Mom had left choices to the deceased Dad's family, it could've turned out much better. NTA but mom is definitely the AH. I almost forgot! My son in law has a son from a previous relationship. He is treated by my daughter & grandkids no differently. He's treated like one of my grandkids too. I'm even considered great grandma to his babies.
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What clue? That doesn't say anything about how or why she was estranged. Could be for good reasons just as well as bad ones.
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NTA. These grand parents were forced to include the step brother in order to see their deceased son's kids. That's outright blackmail. Is it the step brother's fault? No. But neither is it the fault of these 2 kids for not wanting their step brother included in visits to THEIR paternal grand parents. These siblings cut all ties as soon as they were adults. THAT tells the story. I don't feel they are punishing their step brother; theynwere just biding their time. That's on their mother and she gets to deal with the fallout....it's her mess afterall.
I would take my 2 younger kids to my oldest son's father's large Christmas Eve parties while he was age 8-12. We would sit with him as long as he wanted while everyone else exchanged presents all around us. He wanted to be there to see his dad. He thought maybe he would show up and he could see him. My other kids sat quietly and never complained because they knew how important it was for him.
I seem to be reading this in an entirely different way. Sure, the mom should not have pushed the step child that much into the direction of the non-bio family, but renouncing your stepbrother who you spent 13 years growing up with and renouncing your mother because she is not an evil stepmom but cares for a 7month old child is bizarre, imo. I'm in the YTA camp on this one.
There was 8 years difference, so not much playing together as kids. Then Mom trying to force things just ensured the distance would remain. And by threatening to cut off the grandparents Mom didn't help the kids to accept stepdad or stepbrother, only increased resentment. And when filled with resentment there's no room for love to grow, so not surprising the kids are not close. And probably never will be. As for Mom, she made it clear that the kids thoughts, feelings, and opinions don't matter, so not surprising the OP went no contact.
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As someone who has numerous step siblings, half siblings, and full siblings, this mom is ridiculous. Just because you have a blended family doesn't mean that the families outside of the home unit need to accept the additional children. My step brothers often visited their grandparents without me and my sister and we were fine with that as we understood that we not all related to everybody. All of would have taken was an explanation when the stepson was old enough to understand. My mom and stepfather got married when I was 3 so I was young but it was explained to me at an age appropriate level. You can't force things. It took a while but I am now close to all my siblings but we are had different visiting schedules and experiences due to our other sides of the families and we didn't feel left out. The mother was manipulative and abusive. NTA
Definitely YTA. Why is the mother framed like Lord Voldermort, for trying to have all three of the children considered as a single family. So many harsh comments about her because she wanted others to include her non-biological child and treat them as equally as her bio-child. So she must be a monster cos she was pushy and insisted on inclusion. Her worst crime was making the grandparents spend time with all three at the fathers birthday. For this she is monster, irredeemable, she doesnt deserve any kindness and thus her son was correct in saying he wasnt her son. There is no justification for this crime of wanting her children treated equally. BoredPanda cant empthase with the mother (the framing of the story doesnt support that). No one else is the AH totally not the grandparents or extended family who wouldnt agree to abide by the mothers rules for her children and wouldnt allow the inclusion of the non-bio-child. The moral of the story is the step-mother in Cinderella was the true hero as she didnt force anyone to treat her step-daughter as equal to her bio-children.
Equal only applies in mom's own house. Cinderella was less than in and out of home, so that doesn't work. If mom had a rich sister, she can't say the same money must be spent on the nibblings. Entitlement is not equality.
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NTA. Though I see that she was thinking she didn't want her stepson left out of things. She went about it in the wrong way. By threatening her ex-in-laws to never see their grandkids ever again she was using the love they have for their grandkids to be manipulative. She could have asked and explained her reasoning, they may have been willing to take him some of the time, I have seen some exes when taking their kids, take the steps of the ex too some of the time so they aren't left out of something fun. Also by not listening to her children when they expressed their feelings about the situating, which wouldn't have been an issue if she had asked instead of threatened in the first place, she showed them they had no say in the matter and just pushed them further away. And honestly, for certain things she should have understood that it wouldn't work, their dads birthday celebration was something for those that knew him.
For that and other times when he couldn't go she should have done something special with just him instead of forcibly pushing him into situations that he shouldn't have had to deal with. From the sounds of it she pushes people away and has been pushing her own children away for years they just weren't able to physically separate themselves from her until now. And now that they have she is confused because it doesn't match the delusions of what she expected. She ruined what could have been some great relationships between siblings and what she could have developed by having special days with her stepson, by trying to force it into what she thought should be.
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ESH. My oldest brother does not have the same father as me and my brother. This isn't something I thought about at all growing up. My father's parents, commonly referred to as OUR grandparents did everything with us, all of us. At one point my parents took in two kids while their parents were in rehab. We had those kids with us for a long time, longer than rehab, and as soon as they stepped through the door they were family and we're included in a everything. When they went home we still considered them brothers. It's just spiteful. I don't see any reason to exclude your step sibling. He's innocent in the matter and there's no reason to be spiteful. I think the grandparents should have accepted Mom's terms and not encouraged this gap between step siblings and mom. How do you spend time with a kid from 7 months of age and discard them? I wouldn't want to be involved with anyone with that kind of character.
What a sad situation... from the mom and stepbrother's point of view, the stepbrother is effectively OP's adopted sibling. Yes mom shouldn't have forced stepbrother's inclusion, but what could she do, she couldn't let one of her kids be treated differently because of the happenstance of his biology. Honestly it sounds like OP is angry that his mom moved on, or continued moving on even though his father died, or is just angry that his father died and needs someone to be angry AT. And it's totally understandable that OP is angry! But excluding the stepbrother from the only family he's ever known is messed up. He is connected to OP's dad through OP, like it or not, and the family could have fostered that instead of treating the kid like an annoyance. If OP or sister ever have kids, they'll never meet OP's dad, but I'm sure OP/sister will find a way to make a connection.
I don't think anyone is the ah by intention. This is a complicated situation and the mother was trying to do the best for all the kids. The step child had no family around. I don't think she was overstepping boundaries because the kids were 5-6 years old. In her mind, they just weren't seeing the bigger picture. Now, they don't even admit the resentment they hold for the step brother that has been in their life since they were preschoolers, saying he was fine but they just didn't bond. I feel the most for the step brother. He's the only victim I'm seeing here.
So children's feelings aren't real or important? A parent's fake "happy family" fantasy is worth more than a child's feeling stomped on? Even full siblings don't always like each other. Parents trying to force those relationships doesn't work either. Ignorant perfect family fantasy does not equal "big picture." Big picture is what are the best things I can do for all, not deciding the best thing for one is best for all because you think so. A ton of people told mom for years this isn't good. Now she has to listen finally. Mom could have asked how similar families worked this out. That would have been big picture thinking. You are all my puppets to serve my fantasy agenda is selfish thinking. We all see how it turned out now, so clearly the mom had no real vision.
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I think the OP needs to go to therapy. I mean of course I understand everything being said but overall still sounding like an A imo.
Therapy is very much needed, or he'll be dealing with mommy issues the rest of his life. It's obvious he can't let Dad go, which in itself is creepy and kinda sad..
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I feel bad for the stepson the most. Honestly, I understand what the mother was trying to do. I can respect that. But you can't force people into your idea of family. I also had to learn that the hard way with my in laws and my family. From my personal experience, none of it would have been a problem if the grandparents embraced the stepson. That negativity leaks into the children. I bet they influenced OPs ability to "bond" with his brother. The age gap doesn't help the situation as well. My mother was adopted, her adopted mother wanted nothing to do with me. She announced it at the hospital, the day I was born. She had a relationship with my older brother. He would go over and stay, while myself and younger brother stayed home. I know how much it hurts to have a non blood relatives treat you less than human.
Maybe look up triangulation. Probably all the adults are being selfish? The missing piece of the story here is the perspective of the stepson, which is really the only one that matters. Hope you are being there for your brother. Doesn't sound like anyone else is
This family is very self centered. Adults that don't want to spend time with a child because they don't share DNA, a mom that forced things, and kids now grown abandoning their half brother for things that were not in his control. Congratulations you guys are awesome! NOT... Self-centered and without any wisdom. At the end of the day who has suffered has been that kid... His mom died and he grew up around people that resented him or didn't want him. Also with an absentee father, and step sisters that shut him out for. So at the end he was not wanted. Shame that this people doesn't know what unconditional love means. This comes from my own experience.
NTA. This mess was caused by the mother from the beginning. Her young children were still dealing with their parents divorce, without preparing them she moved in a man she just met too fast and became mother to his son. That was when the resentment started. It sounds too that OP and his sister felt she prefered her new stepson and neglected them. From the onstart she started forcing the baby on her kids and their family. She tells grieving parents that they can't see their grandchildren except they do as she says. That is abuse of power, of course it led to more resentment, distance and antipathy. Frankly at this point she is reaping what she showed. There is a reason why it is called blended family not family by force. She has also caused damage to her stepson who is being rejected now. Even in normal families favouritism leads to resentment and alienation among siblings. It seems too she did not explain the family dynamics to her stepson at all. She can still mend the rift though.
It was 3 years after her divorce lol. Also we don't actually know how fast she moved him in - many people believe that you don't let your kids meet your partner until the relationship is at the point of marriage. So it's possible that they had been dating for awhile before OP was aware. I know this is all irrelevant, from OP's point of view it was too fast... but I get the feeling that no speed would have satisfied OP.
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NTA. This is all the mothers fault. Inclusion is fine, but she went overboard. OP's step-brother has absolutely no connection towards OP's dads family. No matter how much she tried forcing it, there is no connection. OP's mother was manipulative in this manner. Her forcing inclusion, and tellin OP's family that they had to include her step-son. You can't force someone into a family when they are not biologically apart of that family. No wonder, OP and his sister resent their mother and step-brother. If OP's mother didn't force inclusion, this wouldn't be a problem. This poor 12 year old would have two siblings that love him. Their fathers family, is a completely different story.
This AITA story is one where both sides need to be heard to decide NTA/YTA. But right now I'm leaning YTA. And I don't really get marking the birthday of a dead person with a serious get together with extended family members. Would your deceased dad really want this rift...because of his birthday??
That's what got me to, that whole party get-together. Unless the Dad was a saint, there has to be a point where you let him go, and clearly OP is still pining. Which is sad.
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The actions of your mother were very self-serving and insensitive. Not only where you all grieving your father, she was trying to get free babysitting for her stepson. Although he was uncomfortable around your family, I'm sure that they tried to make him feel included.
There is not enough detail in the story imo. In which way was the mother a bad mother? Did she neglect their two bio children? Did she prefer the stepson? Did she treat her bio children unfair? All i read is, that they didn‘t want to include their then 7 month old step brother. I fully understand that the mother tried to include him, so he will be part of the family. Maybe it was unnecessary to force him to the biological family‘s side because the dad had nothing to do with him. Plus, what she did with the wedding is manipulative, this doesn’t really relate to her quality as a mother though. For the rest i actually find it pretty sad and heartless, because it seems like these two never accepted their stepbrother nor were they welcoming to him. The mother tried to make the patchwork family work. At least not by what the person wrote.
The mother tried to force her vision of the family on all 3 kids and the extended family. All 3 kids were likely messed up because of it. Whether the mother was estranged from her parents because they were messed up or she was, the mother has issues so she tried to force her narrative on her ex's parents and on her 3 kids.
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I don't know. I understand that the mom was probably trying to avoid making the stepson (who was just a baby when this newly formed family came together) FEEL like he was a stepchild. She did go too far with the inclusion but was that the only thing she did wrong while raising her family? Was she doting on her stepson more than her biological children on a daily basis, making them feel unloved? Was she neglectful in general to her biological kids? Was she abusive, mean, hateful or otherwise an awful person to her biological kids while treating her stepson the opposite? If so, then NTA 100%. If not then the OP IS 100% TA and they have a lot of maturing to do. It's apparent that this affected her biological kids. These feelings likely were enhanced by conversations with the dad's family on the stepbrother being included. But if that is the only things that the mom did wrong while raising a blended family then the OP is TA and needs therapy.
The mother is also estranged from HER mother so obviously there are issues on her part. She should not have forced a kid in people who were not family .
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torn between NTA and ESH. sounds like the kids went through a lot. OP losing his dad and stepbro losing his mum. i get where mum is coming from trying to include the stepbro in the family, but didn't go the right way about it. if his grandparents weren't around, maybe mum just wanted to ensure he had that experience. definitely so with the dads bday, should just have been about the OP and grandparents. totally fair the OP getting annoyed with it. but maybe what he said at the end was a bit cruel to his mum who was only trying to do (wht she thought) was the best by all three of them
NTA but people saying he is probably would say that the mom should have demanded the grandparents not talk about the dad as convos made it awkward. My parents were divorced and I've been in the awkward visits..I would have preferred to stay home. Forcing a relationship by a parent doesn't work and is frowned upon.
Sometimes you have to tell your mom or your dad, enough is enough. You never asked to be brought into this world. Parents demand so much from their kids. Undying devotion, never question anything. Just do as you're told, etc. Mom's especially always play the guilt trips on their kids. Then those moms turn their backs on the only child they ever had. I told my mom off over a year ago, and it was the best thing I've done. When you talk bad about your son's wife, at your only granddaughters birthday party, then it's over. It's not easy, but you don't owe your parents anything.
I only wonder how it is for that poor step-kid to be treated like unwanted and forced upon someone. Will he be able to tangle his own relation seeing as yours apparently resented him for his mum's behaviour (from the post I can read he doesn't know other mom figure)
I wouldn't say your the AH... but also... wth. Your little brother was 7 months old when you met? And he sees your family as his own? And you would alienate him over s**t that has nothing to do with him? That is f****d up. Your mom was doing a very typical thing to include him. Although the aspect of it being your dad's birthday and all that is weird. I have 3 step kids. 1 bio kid with my hubby who is the father of all 4. Before I ever got pregnant, I made sure that any family who wanted to be included, also included my 'step' kids. I use parenthesis because I never call them step kids in real life. They are my children. I expect them all to be included and treated equally. End of f*****g story. You are 18. Grow up and stop being selfish ffs. Including family doesn't hurt. Excluding f*****g kills.
Blended families are tough. I think mom probably heard all the stories of blended families not getting along, always with accusations of issues like "his kids are getting all the attention", and "his family treats my kids differently", and a myriad of other horror stories. I think she was trying to make sure that all the kids were treated the same. Somebody always ends up feeling like the outsider. I think that's where mom was coming from. But it backfired. I don't have the answers. I think I know mom's intent, it was a bit misguided. Also it's too bad the rest of the families couldn't include the little kid. What's the big deal of having one more kid around, even if the kid isn't bio related? What harm would it have done?
YTA. You excluded him. He didn't ask for this. He was literally brought in as a baby and you didn't like him from the start. I know what it's like to be the hated step kid. What tf makes you think it's okay to treat people they don't deserve to have a parent just because YOU had her as a parent longer.
Before I give an opinion...curious to know how your father died...was he ill? Did he take his own life? Also is the step-dad alive? Was he also insistent that his son be adopted by the first husband's family? Honestly I feel terrible for the stepson...the mother may have wanted reassurance that there was a bond among her 3 children...compartmentalizing could mean eventually the stepson could be left on the outside looking in...turning their backs totally on their mother is the most hateful action...do not think she deserved this...she just wanted to make sure the family always be a cohesive one...not fractured. Well the 2 children found their excuse to turn their backs selfishly on the mother but I daresay the reason has more to do with their resentment that their stepbrother was treated fully as the mother's biological son. VERY TRAGIC!
So sad that you all are in such a situation. Your stepbrother actually has no family to call his own. What a shame he can't know his real family. Family dynamics can sometimes really suck. It is to bad mom can't see that. Try not to resent this situation in other words don't let this steal your joy for life. I hope for everyone's sake that you all can resolve this.
You were only eight when a baby came into your family. You had time to bond with him. It concerned me that an adopted infant is only seen as a stepbrother and not a member of your family. Yes your mom had every right to try to make a true family out of all of you. You were all going enough for this to happen. The only exception would be the fathers special day with his relatives. Yes you are the TA and so is your sister. You both missed out on a loving relationship with our little brother and caused undue suffering to your mom
So weird. This is like looking in on an entirely different world or culture, to me and my family. We would've welcomed the step in with open arms and been practically forcing HIM to be a part of family events. The OP's behavior is just so alien to me; I don't understand it. I don't think anybody is TA here, but I guess it's just because my family culture is so wildly different.
I totally agree with your mom. This boy was brought into your family but he never had a choice. You are the AH because you thought ONLY of your feelings, never his. Your mom was the only one who tried to include him and make him part of the family. Try to put yourself in his shoes for a moment. He probably realized he wasn’t wanted by you cuz kids can feel things whether they’re obvious or not. Yes, you are the AH but you were just a kid too. Now that you’re an adult, try to act like a grownup and be more sensitive about his feelings. In my opinion, your mom is a hero!!!
She instantly moved them in and started to claim his son as her own and raising him like us. Seems to me like the OP resented this situation from the beginning. What did he expect her to raise him as? A puppy? He resented the inclusion of them into his life, further resented the child being included in his life with extended family and most of all resented his mother. Blending families is tricky and instead of open conversation you chose avoidance YTA
I feel like this story needs to see all three perspectives before being resolved. The side of the brother and sister. The side of The stepbrother, and the side of the mom.
She ignores her biological kids feeling for a child of a man she met and married and telling family in order to see them they had to except her stepson and when kids biological father died and his birthday came around they couldn't celebrate with his side of family.I don't blame these two Kid's give her nothing not even the time of day.Best of luck in the future.
Personally, children sharing a single household are considered as a collective. One for all, all for one. Odd man out is total BS.
So when bioparents have joint custody of thier kids and one remarries and gains a stepchild, the other bioparent must now take all 3 on thier days with thier kids? Absolutely not. They are only a unit in the house and family they share, not with the other bioparents' families.
Load More Replies... We had a similar situation in my family, but my step-nephew was twelve when his mom married my brother. He was old enough to understand the dynamics. A seven-month old baby has no idea what's going on, just that his extended family never wanted him and now the only siblings he's ever known have rejected him. That's the saddest part of all this. That poor kid!
I agree, very sad for the baby. But if the baby wasn't forced on the OP father's family the baby wouldn't have been put in that situation and when the baby was old enough age appropriate explanations could be given, that the baby's older siblings had a different dad, so different extended family.
Load More Replies... NTA. Their mother sounds like she didn't really care either about her kids who wanted to spend time with their father's family, or about her stepson who probably didn't really want to be included cause he knew nothing about the man.
Blended families are tough and there is probably a great deal to unpack about how the kids were treated in the home but it was absolutely messed up to force the baby onto the OP grandparents that were not in any way related to the baby. Ok to say you send gifts to your grandchildren you send a reasonable gift to their stepbrother too. You bring gifts to grandkids (think Christmas, not birthday) you bring for stepbrother too. But the grandchildren should have been able to see their grandparents without their step brother, especially on their father's (a man who was completely out of the picture before the baby was in it) birthday. Mom could have made a true family but disregarded how her first two kids felt in favor of forcing the third kid into a situation he was to young to understand and no reason to be in.
My son & his wife are divorced. It's a little different as thank God my son is living. She was recently remarried but lived with him for years. The new husband has a son not much older than my 2 grandsons. Everyone gets along just fine. It was never forced by my ex DIL though. My son & grandsons have a great relationship with the stepson & the new husband. I do as well. I really like the new husband & his son. Mutual divorce so no hard feelings. They live in a distant state but I do send the stepson gifts at Christmas & he calls me Grandma when I visit. A bit different in circumstances but if Mom had left choices to the deceased Dad's family, it could've turned out much better. NTA but mom is definitely the AH. I almost forgot! My son in law has a son from a previous relationship. He is treated by my daughter & grandkids no differently. He's treated like one of my grandkids too. I'm even considered great grandma to his babies.
Load More Replies... What clue? That doesn't say anything about how or why she was estranged. Could be for good reasons just as well as bad ones.
Load More Replies... NTA. These grand parents were forced to include the step brother in order to see their deceased son's kids. That's outright blackmail. Is it the step brother's fault? No. But neither is it the fault of these 2 kids for not wanting their step brother included in visits to THEIR paternal grand parents. These siblings cut all ties as soon as they were adults. THAT tells the story. I don't feel they are punishing their step brother; theynwere just biding their time. That's on their mother and she gets to deal with the fallout....it's her mess afterall.
I would take my 2 younger kids to my oldest son's father's large Christmas Eve parties while he was age 8-12. We would sit with him as long as he wanted while everyone else exchanged presents all around us. He wanted to be there to see his dad. He thought maybe he would show up and he could see him. My other kids sat quietly and never complained because they knew how important it was for him.
I seem to be reading this in an entirely different way. Sure, the mom should not have pushed the step child that much into the direction of the non-bio family, but renouncing your stepbrother who you spent 13 years growing up with and renouncing your mother because she is not an evil stepmom but cares for a 7month old child is bizarre, imo. I'm in the YTA camp on this one.
There was 8 years difference, so not much playing together as kids. Then Mom trying to force things just ensured the distance would remain. And by threatening to cut off the grandparents Mom didn't help the kids to accept stepdad or stepbrother, only increased resentment. And when filled with resentment there's no room for love to grow, so not surprising the kids are not close. And probably never will be. As for Mom, she made it clear that the kids thoughts, feelings, and opinions don't matter, so not surprising the OP went no contact.
Load More Replies... As someone who has numerous step siblings, half siblings, and full siblings, this mom is ridiculous. Just because you have a blended family doesn't mean that the families outside of the home unit need to accept the additional children. My step brothers often visited their grandparents without me and my sister and we were fine with that as we understood that we not all related to everybody. All of would have taken was an explanation when the stepson was old enough to understand. My mom and stepfather got married when I was 3 so I was young but it was explained to me at an age appropriate level. You can't force things. It took a while but I am now close to all my siblings but we are had different visiting schedules and experiences due to our other sides of the families and we didn't feel left out. The mother was manipulative and abusive. NTA
Definitely YTA. Why is the mother framed like Lord Voldermort, for trying to have all three of the children considered as a single family. So many harsh comments about her because she wanted others to include her non-biological child and treat them as equally as her bio-child. So she must be a monster cos she was pushy and insisted on inclusion. Her worst crime was making the grandparents spend time with all three at the fathers birthday. For this she is monster, irredeemable, she doesnt deserve any kindness and thus her son was correct in saying he wasnt her son. There is no justification for this crime of wanting her children treated equally. BoredPanda cant empthase with the mother (the framing of the story doesnt support that). No one else is the AH totally not the grandparents or extended family who wouldnt agree to abide by the mothers rules for her children and wouldnt allow the inclusion of the non-bio-child. The moral of the story is the step-mother in Cinderella was the true hero as she didnt force anyone to treat her step-daughter as equal to her bio-children.
Equal only applies in mom's own house. Cinderella was less than in and out of home, so that doesn't work. If mom had a rich sister, she can't say the same money must be spent on the nibblings. Entitlement is not equality.
Load More Replies... NTA. Though I see that she was thinking she didn't want her stepson left out of things. She went about it in the wrong way. By threatening her ex-in-laws to never see their grandkids ever again she was using the love they have for their grandkids to be manipulative. She could have asked and explained her reasoning, they may have been willing to take him some of the time, I have seen some exes when taking their kids, take the steps of the ex too some of the time so they aren't left out of something fun. Also by not listening to her children when they expressed their feelings about the situating, which wouldn't have been an issue if she had asked instead of threatened in the first place, she showed them they had no say in the matter and just pushed them further away. And honestly, for certain things she should have understood that it wouldn't work, their dads birthday celebration was something for those that knew him.
For that and other times when he couldn't go she should have done something special with just him instead of forcibly pushing him into situations that he shouldn't have had to deal with. From the sounds of it she pushes people away and has been pushing her own children away for years they just weren't able to physically separate themselves from her until now. And now that they have she is confused because it doesn't match the delusions of what she expected. She ruined what could have been some great relationships between siblings and what she could have developed by having special days with her stepson, by trying to force it into what she thought should be.
Load More Replies... ESH. My oldest brother does not have the same father as me and my brother. This isn't something I thought about at all growing up. My father's parents, commonly referred to as OUR grandparents did everything with us, all of us. At one point my parents took in two kids while their parents were in rehab. We had those kids with us for a long time, longer than rehab, and as soon as they stepped through the door they were family and we're included in a everything. When they went home we still considered them brothers. It's just spiteful. I don't see any reason to exclude your step sibling. He's innocent in the matter and there's no reason to be spiteful. I think the grandparents should have accepted Mom's terms and not encouraged this gap between step siblings and mom. How do you spend time with a kid from 7 months of age and discard them? I wouldn't want to be involved with anyone with that kind of character.
What a sad situation... from the mom and stepbrother's point of view, the stepbrother is effectively OP's adopted sibling. Yes mom shouldn't have forced stepbrother's inclusion, but what could she do, she couldn't let one of her kids be treated differently because of the happenstance of his biology. Honestly it sounds like OP is angry that his mom moved on, or continued moving on even though his father died, or is just angry that his father died and needs someone to be angry AT. And it's totally understandable that OP is angry! But excluding the stepbrother from the only family he's ever known is messed up. He is connected to OP's dad through OP, like it or not, and the family could have fostered that instead of treating the kid like an annoyance. If OP or sister ever have kids, they'll never meet OP's dad, but I'm sure OP/sister will find a way to make a connection.
I don't think anyone is the ah by intention. This is a complicated situation and the mother was trying to do the best for all the kids. The step child had no family around. I don't think she was overstepping boundaries because the kids were 5-6 years old. In her mind, they just weren't seeing the bigger picture. Now, they don't even admit the resentment they hold for the step brother that has been in their life since they were preschoolers, saying he was fine but they just didn't bond. I feel the most for the step brother. He's the only victim I'm seeing here.
So children's feelings aren't real or important? A parent's fake "happy family" fantasy is worth more than a child's feeling stomped on? Even full siblings don't always like each other. Parents trying to force those relationships doesn't work either. Ignorant perfect family fantasy does not equal "big picture." Big picture is what are the best things I can do for all, not deciding the best thing for one is best for all because you think so. A ton of people told mom for years this isn't good. Now she has to listen finally. Mom could have asked how similar families worked this out. That would have been big picture thinking. You are all my puppets to serve my fantasy agenda is selfish thinking. We all see how it turned out now, so clearly the mom had no real vision.
Load More Replies... I think the OP needs to go to therapy. I mean of course I understand everything being said but overall still sounding like an A imo.
Therapy is very much needed, or he'll be dealing with mommy issues the rest of his life. It's obvious he can't let Dad go, which in itself is creepy and kinda sad..
Load More Replies... I feel bad for the stepson the most. Honestly, I understand what the mother was trying to do. I can respect that. But you can't force people into your idea of family. I also had to learn that the hard way with my in laws and my family. From my personal experience, none of it would have been a problem if the grandparents embraced the stepson. That negativity leaks into the children. I bet they influenced OPs ability to "bond" with his brother. The age gap doesn't help the situation as well. My mother was adopted, her adopted mother wanted nothing to do with me. She announced it at the hospital, the day I was born. She had a relationship with my older brother. He would go over and stay, while myself and younger brother stayed home. I know how much it hurts to have a non blood relatives treat you less than human.
Maybe look up triangulation. Probably all the adults are being selfish? The missing piece of the story here is the perspective of the stepson, which is really the only one that matters. Hope you are being there for your brother. Doesn't sound like anyone else is
This family is very self centered. Adults that don't want to spend time with a child because they don't share DNA, a mom that forced things, and kids now grown abandoning their half brother for things that were not in his control. Congratulations you guys are awesome! NOT... Self-centered and without any wisdom. At the end of the day who has suffered has been that kid... His mom died and he grew up around people that resented him or didn't want him. Also with an absentee father, and step sisters that shut him out for. So at the end he was not wanted. Shame that this people doesn't know what unconditional love means. This comes from my own experience.
NTA. This mess was caused by the mother from the beginning. Her young children were still dealing with their parents divorce, without preparing them she moved in a man she just met too fast and became mother to his son. That was when the resentment started. It sounds too that OP and his sister felt she prefered her new stepson and neglected them. From the onstart she started forcing the baby on her kids and their family. She tells grieving parents that they can't see their grandchildren except they do as she says. That is abuse of power, of course it led to more resentment, distance and antipathy. Frankly at this point she is reaping what she showed. There is a reason why it is called blended family not family by force. She has also caused damage to her stepson who is being rejected now. Even in normal families favouritism leads to resentment and alienation among siblings. It seems too she did not explain the family dynamics to her stepson at all. She can still mend the rift though.
It was 3 years after her divorce lol. Also we don't actually know how fast she moved him in - many people believe that you don't let your kids meet your partner until the relationship is at the point of marriage. So it's possible that they had been dating for awhile before OP was aware. I know this is all irrelevant, from OP's point of view it was too fast... but I get the feeling that no speed would have satisfied OP.
Load More Replies... NTA. This is all the mothers fault. Inclusion is fine, but she went overboard. OP's step-brother has absolutely no connection towards OP's dads family. No matter how much she tried forcing it, there is no connection. OP's mother was manipulative in this manner. Her forcing inclusion, and tellin OP's family that they had to include her step-son. You can't force someone into a family when they are not biologically apart of that family. No wonder, OP and his sister resent their mother and step-brother. If OP's mother didn't force inclusion, this wouldn't be a problem. This poor 12 year old would have two siblings that love him. Their fathers family, is a completely different story.
This AITA story is one where both sides need to be heard to decide NTA/YTA. But right now I'm leaning YTA. And I don't really get marking the birthday of a dead person with a serious get together with extended family members. Would your deceased dad really want this rift...because of his birthday??
That's what got me to, that whole party get-together. Unless the Dad was a saint, there has to be a point where you let him go, and clearly OP is still pining. Which is sad.
Load More Replies... The actions of your mother were very self-serving and insensitive. Not only where you all grieving your father, she was trying to get free babysitting for her stepson. Although he was uncomfortable around your family, I'm sure that they tried to make him feel included.
There is not enough detail in the story imo. In which way was the mother a bad mother? Did she neglect their two bio children? Did she prefer the stepson? Did she treat her bio children unfair? All i read is, that they didn‘t want to include their then 7 month old step brother. I fully understand that the mother tried to include him, so he will be part of the family. Maybe it was unnecessary to force him to the biological family‘s side because the dad had nothing to do with him. Plus, what she did with the wedding is manipulative, this doesn’t really relate to her quality as a mother though. For the rest i actually find it pretty sad and heartless, because it seems like these two never accepted their stepbrother nor were they welcoming to him. The mother tried to make the patchwork family work. At least not by what the person wrote.
The mother tried to force her vision of the family on all 3 kids and the extended family. All 3 kids were likely messed up because of it. Whether the mother was estranged from her parents because they were messed up or she was, the mother has issues so she tried to force her narrative on her ex's parents and on her 3 kids.
Load More Replies... I don't know. I understand that the mom was probably trying to avoid making the stepson (who was just a baby when this newly formed family came together) FEEL like he was a stepchild. She did go too far with the inclusion but was that the only thing she did wrong while raising her family? Was she doting on her stepson more than her biological children on a daily basis, making them feel unloved? Was she neglectful in general to her biological kids? Was she abusive, mean, hateful or otherwise an awful person to her biological kids while treating her stepson the opposite? If so, then NTA 100%. If not then the OP IS 100% TA and they have a lot of maturing to do. It's apparent that this affected her biological kids. These feelings likely were enhanced by conversations with the dad's family on the stepbrother being included. But if that is the only things that the mom did wrong while raising a blended family then the OP is TA and needs therapy.
The mother is also estranged from HER mother so obviously there are issues on her part. She should not have forced a kid in people who were not family .
Load More Replies... torn between NTA and ESH. sounds like the kids went through a lot. OP losing his dad and stepbro losing his mum. i get where mum is coming from trying to include the stepbro in the family, but didn't go the right way about it. if his grandparents weren't around, maybe mum just wanted to ensure he had that experience. definitely so with the dads bday, should just have been about the OP and grandparents. totally fair the OP getting annoyed with it. but maybe what he said at the end was a bit cruel to his mum who was only trying to do (wht she thought) was the best by all three of them
NTA but people saying he is probably would say that the mom should have demanded the grandparents not talk about the dad as convos made it awkward. My parents were divorced and I've been in the awkward visits..I would have preferred to stay home. Forcing a relationship by a parent doesn't work and is frowned upon.
Sometimes you have to tell your mom or your dad, enough is enough. You never asked to be brought into this world. Parents demand so much from their kids. Undying devotion, never question anything. Just do as you're told, etc. Mom's especially always play the guilt trips on their kids. Then those moms turn their backs on the only child they ever had. I told my mom off over a year ago, and it was the best thing I've done. When you talk bad about your son's wife, at your only granddaughters birthday party, then it's over. It's not easy, but you don't owe your parents anything.
I only wonder how it is for that poor step-kid to be treated like unwanted and forced upon someone. Will he be able to tangle his own relation seeing as yours apparently resented him for his mum's behaviour (from the post I can read he doesn't know other mom figure)
I wouldn't say your the AH... but also... wth. Your little brother was 7 months old when you met? And he sees your family as his own? And you would alienate him over s**t that has nothing to do with him? That is f****d up. Your mom was doing a very typical thing to include him. Although the aspect of it being your dad's birthday and all that is weird. I have 3 step kids. 1 bio kid with my hubby who is the father of all 4. Before I ever got pregnant, I made sure that any family who wanted to be included, also included my 'step' kids. I use parenthesis because I never call them step kids in real life. They are my children. I expect them all to be included and treated equally. End of f*****g story. You are 18. Grow up and stop being selfish ffs. Including family doesn't hurt. Excluding f*****g kills.
Blended families are tough. I think mom probably heard all the stories of blended families not getting along, always with accusations of issues like "his kids are getting all the attention", and "his family treats my kids differently", and a myriad of other horror stories. I think she was trying to make sure that all the kids were treated the same. Somebody always ends up feeling like the outsider. I think that's where mom was coming from. But it backfired. I don't have the answers. I think I know mom's intent, it was a bit misguided. Also it's too bad the rest of the families couldn't include the little kid. What's the big deal of having one more kid around, even if the kid isn't bio related? What harm would it have done?
YTA. You excluded him. He didn't ask for this. He was literally brought in as a baby and you didn't like him from the start. I know what it's like to be the hated step kid. What tf makes you think it's okay to treat people they don't deserve to have a parent just because YOU had her as a parent longer.
Before I give an opinion...curious to know how your father died...was he ill? Did he take his own life? Also is the step-dad alive? Was he also insistent that his son be adopted by the first husband's family? Honestly I feel terrible for the stepson...the mother may have wanted reassurance that there was a bond among her 3 children...compartmentalizing could mean eventually the stepson could be left on the outside looking in...turning their backs totally on their mother is the most hateful action...do not think she deserved this...she just wanted to make sure the family always be a cohesive one...not fractured. Well the 2 children found their excuse to turn their backs selfishly on the mother but I daresay the reason has more to do with their resentment that their stepbrother was treated fully as the mother's biological son. VERY TRAGIC!
So sad that you all are in such a situation. Your stepbrother actually has no family to call his own. What a shame he can't know his real family. Family dynamics can sometimes really suck. It is to bad mom can't see that. Try not to resent this situation in other words don't let this steal your joy for life. I hope for everyone's sake that you all can resolve this.
You were only eight when a baby came into your family. You had time to bond with him. It concerned me that an adopted infant is only seen as a stepbrother and not a member of your family. Yes your mom had every right to try to make a true family out of all of you. You were all going enough for this to happen. The only exception would be the fathers special day with his relatives. Yes you are the TA and so is your sister. You both missed out on a loving relationship with our little brother and caused undue suffering to your mom
So weird. This is like looking in on an entirely different world or culture, to me and my family. We would've welcomed the step in with open arms and been practically forcing HIM to be a part of family events. The OP's behavior is just so alien to me; I don't understand it. I don't think anybody is TA here, but I guess it's just because my family culture is so wildly different.
I totally agree with your mom. This boy was brought into your family but he never had a choice. You are the AH because you thought ONLY of your feelings, never his. Your mom was the only one who tried to include him and make him part of the family. Try to put yourself in his shoes for a moment. He probably realized he wasn’t wanted by you cuz kids can feel things whether they’re obvious or not. Yes, you are the AH but you were just a kid too. Now that you’re an adult, try to act like a grownup and be more sensitive about his feelings. In my opinion, your mom is a hero!!!
She instantly moved them in and started to claim his son as her own and raising him like us. Seems to me like the OP resented this situation from the beginning. What did he expect her to raise him as? A puppy? He resented the inclusion of them into his life, further resented the child being included in his life with extended family and most of all resented his mother. Blending families is tricky and instead of open conversation you chose avoidance YTA
I feel like this story needs to see all three perspectives before being resolved. The side of the brother and sister. The side of The stepbrother, and the side of the mom.
She ignores her biological kids feeling for a child of a man she met and married and telling family in order to see them they had to except her stepson and when kids biological father died and his birthday came around they couldn't celebrate with his side of family.I don't blame these two Kid's give her nothing not even the time of day.Best of luck in the future.
Personally, children sharing a single household are considered as a collective. One for all, all for one. Odd man out is total BS.
So when bioparents have joint custody of thier kids and one remarries and gains a stepchild, the other bioparent must now take all 3 on thier days with thier kids? Absolutely not. They are only a unit in the house and family they share, not with the other bioparents' families.
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