Dad Is Livid After Realizing His Ex Only Spends A Fraction Of His Child Support Money On Their Son, She Turns To The Internet For Support
One single mom’s story on Reddit caused quite a bit of drama on the website. The mom, who goes by the throwaway Reddit name u/aitalivingcheaply, opened up to the AITA subreddit, an online community with nearly 3.2 million members, about how she uses (or rather doesn’t use) the “generous amount of child support” her ex sends to support their 4-year-old child each month.
The mom explained that she uses only a small fraction of the money on her son, putting the rest away for his future, preferring to live very frugally. Naturally, this caused some friction with her ex who believes all of the money should be spent on their son, instead of squirreling it away. You’ll find the full story below.
What do you think of the entire situation, dear Pandas? Do you think the mom was in the wrong here or do you think she had her child’s best interests in mind? Just remember, we shouldn’t be quick to judge anyone before getting to know the full context. Keep in mind that some redditors rushed to express their opinions without reading the author’s comments in full, so they had a slightly skewed view.
Parenting is extremely difficult and we can sometimes forget a simple truth—there’s no such thing as a ‘perfect’ parent, only striving to be the best possible parent for one’s children.
A mom sparked a fiery discussion online when she shared what she does with most of her son’s child support that she gets from her ex
Image credits: Jonathan Cooper (not the actual photo)
Here is her full story that she shared on the AITA subreddit
The redditor’s post got quite a bit of attention, netting over 12.7k upvotes and getting nearly 4k comments. Members of the AITA community were very emotional when talking about this topic.
While most redditors decided that the mom was wrong to save a large chunk of her son’s child support, she also had a lot of supporters who pointed out that she wasn’t neglecting her kid or spending the money on herself. In their opinion, she simply had a different view about finances.
Bored Panda reached out to parenting blogger Samantha Scroggin to get her opinion about the idea that parents ought to strive to be ‘perfect.’ She was very clear that there’s no such thing and that it’s all an illusion that distracts us from what’s important: our daily effort for the sake of our kids. ‘Enough’ is better than ‘perfect’ because the latter is possible.
“Literally, no one is a perfect parent. What would a ‘perfect’ parent even look like? I believe it can be harmful to have over-the-top expectations of perfection for ourselves and other parents. We’re all just trying to figure it out as we go,” Samantha, the founder of the Walking Outside in Slippers blog, told Bored Panda that we should never be too quick to judge any parent.
“Even professional experts in the field of child-rearing or mental health have questions and doubts, I’ve come to find through talking with other parents,” Samantha said that far from everything is figured out, so there are no easy answers about what a parent should or should not do. It’s less about having a crystal-clear map of directions and more about sailing rough seas in the mist, guided by opinions and personal experience.
“Parenting as depicted on Instagram with the cute little letter boards is the literally and figuratively filtered version of parenthood, and not something anyone should attempt to attain,” the parenting blogger pointed out that we should take our social media feeds with a large grain of salt (preferably a whole fistful of it if we can), as it’s a snapshot, an attempt to appear ‘perfect’ without actually being it.
“Our daily grind and best effort have to be enough when it comes to parenting,” she said.
The story got a lot of different reactions from internet users. Here’s what some of them said
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Hmmm, money aside, she is teaching her son some valuable lessons: You don't always have to spend the money you have. Toy shop: you get one toy. New hobby or sport: Let's see if you stick to it before indulging and buying all that stuff. Although the child's future is secure financially doesn't mean the child has to be spoiled. I do hope the money saved will go to the son and not the mother as that is payed for by the father.
I like the idea of getting cheaper items when starting a hobby. My family had to watch their pennies, so that stayed with me. When I started hiking, my first boots were pretty cheap. Once I was certain I liked hiking, I got the durable high quality ones. It felt like a reward. I knew someone who bought top-of-the-line items right off the bat for himself and his family -- and some items were only used once. Genuinely nice guy, so it's sad that they managed to blow through his income and ended up broke. He grew up getting money whenever he asked it.
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What the hell is with the responses? Child support does not mean you use it all to buy the kid whatever they want. It is to help support raising a child, including food, clothing, housing, etc. So if she can afford to support them both without the child support then yes, the extra money should go into savings. I don't think people realize what child support is for. It is not just to buy the kid things, it is to put towards everything that goes into raising a kid, including having a nest egg for emergencies. Good on her for saving the money. Also, kids love to be active, a good 25 minute walk sounds healthy and great for both the kid and mother.
Exactly. Including paying part of the rent, the food, the water and electricity… And to have savings in case she gets unemployed.
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Mum sounds like a practical and reasonable parent who wants to instill the value of things in her kid. Saving the money for a rainy day is not an arsehole move. Most people are only one unfortunate accident or illness away from poverty. A rainy day fund is prudent and wise. Dad sounds like a slightly spoilt kid who loves his son dearly and wants the best for him. Also not an arsehole. Parents need to have a chat about values, not money. Also... kid is only 4. Its not like his financial needs are huge at this age. Wait a few years til his extracurricular activities, social events, technology requirements increase. I am sure Mum will need all the child support she gets.
To be fair it sounds like the ex is using his wealth as a way to control her life after the split. Child support is not just for buying stuff for the kiddo. It contributes to food, bills, household necessities. No parent should be justifying their spending to their ex, even where child support is a part of the funds. I am also an advocate of NOT spoiling them so much and handing out so much expensive tat they have no idea of the value of anything.
Of course he wants to take part in the upbringing of his child as well. And he should. Both of them are good people.
Load More Replies... A child of four does not need expensive clothes. They grow out of clothes so quickly or else they wreck them playing, which is what kids are supposed to do. The walk home from school is no harm either. It allows mother and son quality time to chat. It all sounds quite normal to me. I know the father has said he had made provision for his son's future but the extra money will be handy if/when he goes to college.
So true. I have a 4 to and my husband complains I don't buy her expensive, pretty clothes. Why? If it doesn't have spangles on it, she doesn't want it!
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I actually feel she is doing the right thing. The ex won't be there forever. Even if he set money aside for the kid to be taken care of, that doesn't mean she will have access to it. She's teaching her son about not being wasteful...something that will help him use his money wisely when he does inherit from Dad. And I think it's smart of her to put the money aside for a "rainy day." Who says she won't be unemployed at some point? As far as a 25 minute walk with her son...I think that's good parenting in that it gives her some one on one time with her son where they can go over the days events. Sounds like she's raising a well rounded kid.
Exactly, Carol. Who knows what may happen? Dad could meet someone in a few years and start a second family. OP has no guarantee that the money he has put away for the son will still be there when the kid gets ready to go to college. She's smart to save for him and not be totally dependent on the father for her son's future.
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At 4 years old, the child is learning nothing about budgeting or lessons. He's too young to have any notion of such things. The mother is choosing to live frugally. The child is not suffering. The father is giving a huge amount of money, but there's nothing stopping him actually buying the things he wants his son to have, and spending time with him showing him the lifestyle that he prefers. You can't just throw money at someone and then tell them how to parent. Sounds like he should do more parenting himself. Otherwise, the mother is doing fine. And for at least the next 14 years, anything she does with the money she saves will contribute to the child's life, no matter what she spends it on, a house, a car, a holiday. The kid lives with his mother and she takes care of him. It's not like she's going to the islands without him on the child support!
When you have a father who is used to getting whatever, and a mother who is used to scrimping a bit... the kid will be better off thinking that it's best to save than to spend, as long as his needs are met, and if they live where a car is *not necessary*, then why get one? Just don't like that she says "rainy day" as if she's saving for herself, too.... But as I was raised poor, I get it. You always want that cushion.
Leo, insuring your own security in the future is one of the best things you can do for your children as long as it is not depriving them in the present. "Saving for herself, too" doesn't necessarily make her an AH if everything she's said is true.
Load More Replies... 100% NTA. If anything this mother deserves a medal. First, for trying to not turn her son into a spoiled entitled brat, people getting their kids everything they wamt is why we have all these entitled pricks everywhere. Second, for saving up some money, things are expensive these days, anything can happen and it's important to have something set aside just in case, if income allows. And third, what's the point in buying expensive clothes for kids? They grow out of them anyway. Why people like throwing their money away is beyond me. You don't have to live poorly, you just need to be more responsible with money.
You are doing the correct thing. You are teaching your son to live responsibly. I walked my son home from school, we never bought his a lot of expensive gifts, I bought on sale, we made sure he had enough to eat, clothes to wear, a bike, books, that type of stuff. But most importantly he knew he was loved and cherished. You are to be commended.
Kind of mixed opinion here but thats because lack of context. If you are saving the money to use on your kid cool. If not well yes you are the asshole. As for everyone like oh shes teaching his kid values. He's 4. His lesson is only going to be he cant always get what he wants period. Later on sure. I think a simple compromise here would work well. So she spends a little more on the kid but keeps mainly doing what she is doing. Eventually she may get a car or that fund may go to his first car who knows? After all lots of schools have different locations for high school middle school and so on. Not to mention college. As for saving it for a rainy day I think she needs to be more specific as the money is meant to use for the child...
NTA. NTA. They've made it clear they already have a college fund/trust fund for the kid, it's the ex who needs to learn to save money.
I think we all have to remember that both parents have grown up in different worlds. Sounds like the father grew up with money and the mother grew up more in a family where money wasn't the center of life. The mother has a 4 year old. Not a 15 year old and the kid is going to like many different things in the many more years ahead. Many parents know this and that's why kids don't get everything they want. I will say that if the child is healthy and taken care of where they are not hungry or needing things vs wanting things, then the mom saving up is perfect for when she can't afford something. As long as the money is for the child and not herself.
I'm fine with the one toy policy. Agree with others that if the ex thinks she needs a car that the walk is probably long for a 4 year old. I think it's important to stress that you don't "need" name brand clothes and everything, but you should also be careful to not raise someone who views splurging on themselves as vain, or a waste, or whatever issue you have with it. I still feel weird buying myself nice things and rarely do. There's a difference between someone who is entitled and someone who knows how to enjoy nice things.
Mom sounds smart to me. Yes, the dad claims that their son will be cared for, but plans/good intentions don't always work out. This way, she knows son will have some resources if dad falls through. My dad had great intentions. He remarried after he and mom divorced, they had two kids. He always told mom "I'll take care of [me] and [brother]. I'm sure he meant to, but he died with out a will. We ended up with pretty much nothing.
The dad says the kid will be taken care of in the future. But what does that mean? And what happens if that falls through? Also, if he wants her to spend all the money he gives her on the kid, he needs to go to court and renegotiate his child support agreement. Child support also means paying for utilities, groceries, medical issues, etc. Not JUST on things the kid wants. Or I'd let him buy me a car and use the child support payments for the insurance and gas since apparently that is going to be for the kid too.
Maybe there needs to be an adjustment to the amount of money the father is giving. I don't think the child should be spoiled, but should he have to live like he's poor when he is truly not? That is an issue that his mother seems to have, as the father made it clear that his financial future will be taken care of. Teach him to be responsible. Don't buy him everything he wants and "spoil" him, but he shouldn't have to be denied having something new or fun once in a while either. You also don't want him to go from one extreme to the other in dealing with money issues when he is older. There needs to be a balance.
My mother was very frugal, it didn't teach me to be careful with money. I learnt if I spent my money on something I had to hide it and the receipt from her. I was constantly told not to waste my money on friends and family etc. Point I'm trying to make I guess is that spending money on things that make you and your family happy is not a bad thing within reason
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I may not agree with the posts I have been reading so far. I'm going through a divorce myself and our boy is 6. But what I know is that both parents have the same rights in child's life, doesn't matter of the custody. If the father says he would like his child to be picked up from school in a warm car that he (dad) can provide for, then it be. I also know that smaller kids are so wiped out after the school so they just can't wait to be home and have a snack plus cartoons. What if this little boy complained to his dad that he didn't enjoy his long walks back home after a big day? Do you all want to have 25 minutes walks to work and back? What if the mom went out there too much with her savings for that rainy day?
I see nothng wrong with living frugal. Having money does not mean you have to immediatrely spend it. Raising kid is expensive and it's important to have some money aside for emergencies.
He's only 4. They don't develop expensive tastes for another 3 or so years. (More picky on clothes, wanting video games etc ). I don't see a problem with living simply and teaching responsibility now. Just earmark the extra money so your ex knows it's there for the kid when the time comes. We are middle middle class and I'm definitely pretty frugal. The kids have the clothes they need but I always buy cheap, sale, and clearance. I occasionally buy toys but usually wait till birthday or Christmas, especially for big things. I also don't go overboard at Christmas. We could afford to go crazy, but I want to make sure the kids appreciate their gifts... Grandma used to go crazy until I had a talk with her, they just get so overwhelmed with toys that many get ignored.
Absolutely NTA. The mother is setting a good example for the child about not just living with their means but also not living in excess. Just because you have $100 does not mean you have to SPEND $100. I don't get the comments about her being TA because she's not just spending all that money on the child. So what if the father says the child's future is "taken care of" - all that really means at this stage is that he's trying to use that as leverage to control what she spends money on. If he actually has money set aside or just has enough wealth that he can just pay for the child's education/healthcare later then there's no guarantee that he's actually going to use it for that, or present it without strings (like "I'll pay your college tuition but only if you go to X college, or major in Y" for example). If he does that then what are they going to do? Also, what's the worst thing that's going to happen if both parents actually have money for the son's tuition? He'll have extra money?
It's not like she's using the money on things for herself, she's just saving it. I don't see anything wrong with that.
People forget she is also paying for the roof over his head, the utilities he uses, his food and drink. It's funny how often these basics aren't mentioned when people go on about where child support is spent. The child needs a place to live. Daddy pays part of the cost of that too. The child needs to eat. Part of that comes out of child support. etc. etc. Ad nauseam ad infinitum. Mum is saving money for the kid, or for hard times. Very sensible. Kid isn't being deprived.
Wow I only got 350 and almost never received it. I loved walking kids to school it is a great time to chat. Spoiling a child will create costs that money can't correct
A lot of this is subjective and requires more information. If the mum grew up in a financially unstable environment then it's probably hard for her to spend money that she feels maybe better spent in an emergency but I can also understand how the dad feels if he is already saving for the child's future and he see's his child being financially neglected despite him providing for the kid. No one is really the A-hole they just need to talk and work something out.
I think you're the most reasonable here so far. There is a vast difference between "spoiling" and providing nicer items, if possible. I grew up with hand me downs, and was thrilled that I was able to buy new clothes for my kids. Not expensive, but not used. And not all "single" mothers are the saints they're made out to be. My stepdaughter moved in with us at 16 and came to us with only a backpack containing one bra, one pair of underwear, one shirt, and one pair of jeans, in addition to what she was wearing. My husband paid an nice amount of child support. Enough that mom could buy herself not one, but two pairs of Ugg boots. So, my stepdaughter had clothes, and wasn't starving, if you call eating Spaghettios every day not starving. So, as you've said, there is more information needed.
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My daughter's dad paid child support, enough for day to day living, but not enough that I could put anything away. When she was 17 she wanted a car and I was more than happy for her to have one, however, I couldn't afford a car for her. I asked him if he'd help out (trust me, he can more than afford it) He said no because "a car is a luxury she doesn't need". So he controlled her (and me) from a distance because he wasn't the one being a taxi. I would have loved to have been able to put money by so she could decide things she wanted when she was old enough, without having to rely on Daddy Control-Freak
OP talk to a financial adviser and set up an education fund for your son. Sock that money away for college or for him after he graduates. As long as the child's needs are met: roof over his head, food in the pantry, health care, education, clothing, etc. I say save the money.
I think the big thing missing is how much is the child support since it is based off income. If the CS is say $400 a month compared to $4000 a month, it makes a HUGE difference. Plus the kid is 4... He doesnt need everything under the sun or new everything. When he gets older the toys will get more expensive. The money saved can also be used for more expensive trip like Disney world or another attaction. As for walking... I loved the time I got to walk to school with my ma. My nephew loved to get to walk home with his day or the occasion with his ma. Not everything has to be fast pace. <3
Surely if she's not using the majority of the money on the child, the father should have it back? He already says his sons future is secure, so this woman is just hording all the rest of the child support instead of using it for the child. There seems to be nothing wrong with what the woman is doing, but I think the father has a legit reason to be annoyed here. He can't see his money being used for his child, just going into this woman's vague 'rainy day' fund. Perhaps going back to court and renegotiating the amount is in order.
as long as she is saving the money for the kid, I don't see what the problem is. the dad apparently 'has money saved up' for his future, but anything could happen. he could end up losing his money, end up dying, end up not having to pay child support anymore. he sounds like a good dad to want his son to have nice stuff, and she sounds like a good mom for saving for emergencies. two ways to be really great parents.
NTA, the entitled, rich, dad just wants to spoil hi child, but the mom is teaching mindfulness about money, the importance of exercise, and how to love like a regular human! Way to go, mom!
My son is on the other side of this. Caught his wife messing around, divorced, child support in arrears because he couldn't wait for paperwork and spent 'unofficial' $$ that didn't count. Kid's 18+, but son still owes much in arrears. If only his ex would file paperwork to release him ...
I'd rather had my parents not emotionally neglecting me than getting all the toys I want. To be fair, they weren't bad parents and didn't do so on purpose, other family members were just too much for them to handle and since I've always been the more silent and introverted person, I just fell under the rug. All I see here is a father trying to spoil his kid. Children need to learn boundaries and that they can't just get whatever they want. It sounds to me like the mother is actually doing a good job, giving the child all it needs ("needs" is the important word here, it's something completely different to "wants") even spending time walking them to and from school and saving the excess money. I don't get the obsession in the US (sadly it's getting more popular over here, too) to drive their kids to school every day. I walked to elementary school, bus ride to middle school, bike and train to high school and even to university it was train and walking.
I also got 2nd hand clothes as a little kid, even though my parents have always been middle class and never had to worry about money. It doesn't matter as a little kid, you don't care what you wear unless you're being taught to. And reusing resources is better for the environment. Just take a look at what chemicals used in fashion do to rivers in Bangladesh, where the fabrics are produced and where they're released into basically unregulated - at times, the Buriganga river is black - or to the workers, who have to use them.
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Child support is to provide for the welfare of the child. If food, housing, clothing, etc is covered, then the money should be put aside. What happens if daddy is hit by a meteor when the kid is 4 y o and there's no child support for the next 14 years? What happens if custodial dad loses his job and the child support won't cover the rent? What happens when 4 y o Johnny grows into 8 y o Johnny and you get a $25,000 hospital bill from discovering he's deathly allergic to bees? If child support dad wants to spend more money devoted to luxuries, there's nothing stopping him from sending an extra $100 a month tagged for laser tag.
In my opinion, NTA. For a few reasons. 1. It's always good to have money put aside to be untouched until you desperately need it. (or it could be the childs future college fund etc, or money if anything happened to his parents) 2. Kids that age can be destructive and grow quickly and change interests quickly, cheap clothes and toys may be better than something expensive that might only last or hold their interest for 5 minutes despite how much they claim that they want it. 3. It teaches the son not to be spoilt, to be humble and appreciative for what he does have. As for the walk to school, I used to walk about 30 minutes to my primary school, we'd get the bus in really bad weather though. (my dad often was working at other ends of the country) it won't harm the child to do some walking, and it will keep him fit and healthy, and maybe even less likely to go hyper at home with too much energy lol.
People can be so insecure about appearances, that in part plays into the dad's perception of how his child is being cared for. He figures that a certain value should be visible for the amount of child support he's paying. That's not bad, that's just his value system, just as the mother's is one of covering the basics and saving afterwards. I can see how the relationship didn't work out based on their differing financial attitudes.
Only Americans would think it's horrible for a kid to have a 25 minute walk to school. He's getting fresh air, exercise and quality time with his mother. I'm sure they stop at plenty of puddles or autumn leaves and pick up sticks on the way. Everything that's enjoyable for a kid that age.
um... he's four. i live in america and not everyone is not lazy and entitled. i think that's pretty dumb to group everyone together. sure it's a stereotype. not all australian people have a boomerang and not all british people are obsessed with tea. those are bad examples but i think you know what im getting at.
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i feel like the ex wan't to take OP to court lowering the support. What he said does not matter, it's just a "proof" that he's "overpaying". Also i can see why you 2 not together anymore, he sounds like an absolute AH
When you pay child support you don’t get to say how it is spent. Perhaps it allows the recipient to rent a nicer home, buy better quality food and spend more time with her child. As long as the child is happy and healthy, what she spends the money on is none of his business.
There are expenses besides clothes and toys. I'm sure mom pays for food, housing and utilities, both of which are used by her son. Those who have always had money have no idea how those without money live. Mom is teaching her son that it's ok to not have everything you think you want. A rainy day fund is essential if you can afford one and those least able to afford it are the ones most likely to need it. I'm sure Dad thinks he will always be rich and son's future well cared for, but things sometimes go wrong and fortunes are lost. As long as his son is healthy and happy, Dad needs to butt out and let Mom manage her own household, including the finances.
Child support is based on the (non-custodial) parent's income, so naturally it's going to be higher if that parent is more well off. Child support is to reduce the financial burden for the parent the child lives with. That generally means a larger home, higher electric & water bills and naturally more money spent on groceries (it could also include daycare costs or medical insurance). How the mother chooses to use these funds is entirely at her discretion providing the child is fed, clothed & housed properly. I think teaching him the value of money is an important lesson for EVERYONE to learn and saving for a "rainy day" is ALWAYS a good idea. Her ex sounds like he was raised being spoiled & entitled. No big surprise she doesn't want her son to turn out that way.
Child support does not require you to use up every dollar of the monthly payment. I was raised very similarly. Only one toy at the toy at, walked to school myself starting 1st year, didn't get designer clothes, etc. it taught me that hard work would avail me to things I wanted. My parents made sure I had everything I needed. I I still live like that today.this child won't be an entitled brat like his father! Just hope father doesn't lure him away by buying him stuff later.
It boggles my mind that so many people voted her as Asshole. A 25 minute walk is good for children. Not having a million toys is good for children. As long as she's spending the money on high quality food and other support, what is the issue? He'll be glad of that future fund when he's 18.
They're acting as if 25 minutes is the end of the world 😐 oh how dare someone make a child all 25 minutes in the age of users and lifts!
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Child support is calculated based on a basic rate of how much it takes to raise a child, against how much the party paying the support earns in a year, the court comes up with that figure and child support is set. He does not have the legal right to tell her how to spend that child support, as long as all of the child's needs are met in accordance with the law, he can't say anything about it. If he wants to renegotiate the child support, court will deal with that, but he doesn't have a leg to stand on when telling you how to spend that money. Tell him to sod off and find another persons business to stick his silver-spoon-fed nose in. You're raising your son right.
Sounds like he is paying more than he has to, and then he absolutely has a say in how the excess money is spent - all you mentioned is only valid for part of the support.
Load More Replies... It's quite adorable how the majority is bashing the mother for not spoiling her kid and depriving him all the useless luxury stuff he could have had. Shows how brainwashed they are to be materialistic as hell.
Hmmm. Must be reading different posts. From what I see, most if the people here are applauding mom for being frugal.
Load More Replies... This really depends on how the child support payment was handled. If the father was lead to believe the full amount was needed to support the child then he has a right to expect a certain level of care based on that amount. I think the correct course is to renegotiate the child support. With regards to how the mother is raising the child I see no issue here in fact I think she is raising the child incredibly well.
This is a way more complex issue. If the dad was the one buying his son everything he wants, and the mom wants to teach frugality it will cause a conflict. No matter what, it seems like this dad just doesn't like the thought his son is living with less comforts. It's not like the mom is using the money to indulge in herself while neglecting her son. If she feels the money should be saved for emergencies, such as medical care for the son, or other unexpected costs that come with raising a child. It's not like the dad is concerned about her spending the child support on luxury items, like a car, as other dads would make a huge stink about it. In that regard, anything the mom is trying to do with the money to be responsible and smart will benefit their son. On the flipside, I don't understand why she went to the internet to find support. We're not going to be able to help her change her ex's mindset. At this point she's just looking for validation, and at that aspect she's TA towards us
I grew up "on a budget" as well but I think she's wrong. Just because I couldn't get nice things, I wouldn't deny them to my kid and if I was paying an x amount of child support, I'd expect it to be spent on my son. On the other hand, she is actually teaching him a few lessons...
Wanting the son to take an Uber instead of walking and over-indulging him in material possessions doesn't sound like he's looking out for his son's best interests
Load More Replies... I think your bias is definitely in the way here. It is not 'suffering' to walk. And the money IS hers. Its hers because she pays food, clothing, gas, electricity, phone, medical, sport and literally everything else for the child. She might not be spending all of it right now, but he is 4. His needs are not that great at this age. Wait until he is 13 and needs a phone and a new laptop for school every year and high school books and music lessons, and sporting uniforms and pocket money and social events or when he is 16 and needs driving lessons and a car. Kids cost more the older they get. The mum is probably gonna need to save up now while she can to meet these needs later.
Load More Replies... Firstly, child support is based on income of the parents, not the spending habits of the parents. Secondly, the cost of the court procedings are likely to be significantly more than any 'potential' difference in child support the husband might win. Thirdly, I say 'might' because, and I practice family law, in these circumstances and for these reasons he would be unlikely to win. Finally, the kid is four. His needs are not that great at this age. Wait until he is 13 and needs a phone and a new laptop for school and high school books and music lessons, and sporting uniforms and pocket money and social events. The mum is probably gonna need to save up now while she can to meet these needs later.
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(1) nowhere in the thread does she imply that the money isn't for the child. She just isn't spending it NOW, she is saving it for later. It isn't like she is spending it on herself (2) She is not in need of a money manager. She is managing her money just fine. She is keeping a tight budget and staying within it. That makes her a BETTER money manager than most.
Load More Replies... Hmmm, money aside, she is teaching her son some valuable lessons: You don't always have to spend the money you have. Toy shop: you get one toy. New hobby or sport: Let's see if you stick to it before indulging and buying all that stuff. Although the child's future is secure financially doesn't mean the child has to be spoiled. I do hope the money saved will go to the son and not the mother as that is payed for by the father.
I like the idea of getting cheaper items when starting a hobby. My family had to watch their pennies, so that stayed with me. When I started hiking, my first boots were pretty cheap. Once I was certain I liked hiking, I got the durable high quality ones. It felt like a reward. I knew someone who bought top-of-the-line items right off the bat for himself and his family -- and some items were only used once. Genuinely nice guy, so it's sad that they managed to blow through his income and ended up broke. He grew up getting money whenever he asked it.
Load More Replies... What the hell is with the responses? Child support does not mean you use it all to buy the kid whatever they want. It is to help support raising a child, including food, clothing, housing, etc. So if she can afford to support them both without the child support then yes, the extra money should go into savings. I don't think people realize what child support is for. It is not just to buy the kid things, it is to put towards everything that goes into raising a kid, including having a nest egg for emergencies. Good on her for saving the money. Also, kids love to be active, a good 25 minute walk sounds healthy and great for both the kid and mother.
Exactly. Including paying part of the rent, the food, the water and electricity… And to have savings in case she gets unemployed.
Load More Replies... Mum sounds like a practical and reasonable parent who wants to instill the value of things in her kid. Saving the money for a rainy day is not an arsehole move. Most people are only one unfortunate accident or illness away from poverty. A rainy day fund is prudent and wise. Dad sounds like a slightly spoilt kid who loves his son dearly and wants the best for him. Also not an arsehole. Parents need to have a chat about values, not money. Also... kid is only 4. Its not like his financial needs are huge at this age. Wait a few years til his extracurricular activities, social events, technology requirements increase. I am sure Mum will need all the child support she gets.
To be fair it sounds like the ex is using his wealth as a way to control her life after the split. Child support is not just for buying stuff for the kiddo. It contributes to food, bills, household necessities. No parent should be justifying their spending to their ex, even where child support is a part of the funds. I am also an advocate of NOT spoiling them so much and handing out so much expensive tat they have no idea of the value of anything.
Of course he wants to take part in the upbringing of his child as well. And he should. Both of them are good people.
Load More Replies... A child of four does not need expensive clothes. They grow out of clothes so quickly or else they wreck them playing, which is what kids are supposed to do. The walk home from school is no harm either. It allows mother and son quality time to chat. It all sounds quite normal to me. I know the father has said he had made provision for his son's future but the extra money will be handy if/when he goes to college.
So true. I have a 4 to and my husband complains I don't buy her expensive, pretty clothes. Why? If it doesn't have spangles on it, she doesn't want it!
Load More Replies... I actually feel she is doing the right thing. The ex won't be there forever. Even if he set money aside for the kid to be taken care of, that doesn't mean she will have access to it. She's teaching her son about not being wasteful...something that will help him use his money wisely when he does inherit from Dad. And I think it's smart of her to put the money aside for a "rainy day." Who says she won't be unemployed at some point? As far as a 25 minute walk with her son...I think that's good parenting in that it gives her some one on one time with her son where they can go over the days events. Sounds like she's raising a well rounded kid.
Exactly, Carol. Who knows what may happen? Dad could meet someone in a few years and start a second family. OP has no guarantee that the money he has put away for the son will still be there when the kid gets ready to go to college. She's smart to save for him and not be totally dependent on the father for her son's future.
Load More Replies... At 4 years old, the child is learning nothing about budgeting or lessons. He's too young to have any notion of such things. The mother is choosing to live frugally. The child is not suffering. The father is giving a huge amount of money, but there's nothing stopping him actually buying the things he wants his son to have, and spending time with him showing him the lifestyle that he prefers. You can't just throw money at someone and then tell them how to parent. Sounds like he should do more parenting himself. Otherwise, the mother is doing fine. And for at least the next 14 years, anything she does with the money she saves will contribute to the child's life, no matter what she spends it on, a house, a car, a holiday. The kid lives with his mother and she takes care of him. It's not like she's going to the islands without him on the child support!
When you have a father who is used to getting whatever, and a mother who is used to scrimping a bit... the kid will be better off thinking that it's best to save than to spend, as long as his needs are met, and if they live where a car is *not necessary*, then why get one? Just don't like that she says "rainy day" as if she's saving for herself, too.... But as I was raised poor, I get it. You always want that cushion.
Leo, insuring your own security in the future is one of the best things you can do for your children as long as it is not depriving them in the present. "Saving for herself, too" doesn't necessarily make her an AH if everything she's said is true.
Load More Replies... 100% NTA. If anything this mother deserves a medal. First, for trying to not turn her son into a spoiled entitled brat, people getting their kids everything they wamt is why we have all these entitled pricks everywhere. Second, for saving up some money, things are expensive these days, anything can happen and it's important to have something set aside just in case, if income allows. And third, what's the point in buying expensive clothes for kids? They grow out of them anyway. Why people like throwing their money away is beyond me. You don't have to live poorly, you just need to be more responsible with money.
You are doing the correct thing. You are teaching your son to live responsibly. I walked my son home from school, we never bought his a lot of expensive gifts, I bought on sale, we made sure he had enough to eat, clothes to wear, a bike, books, that type of stuff. But most importantly he knew he was loved and cherished. You are to be commended.
Kind of mixed opinion here but thats because lack of context. If you are saving the money to use on your kid cool. If not well yes you are the asshole. As for everyone like oh shes teaching his kid values. He's 4. His lesson is only going to be he cant always get what he wants period. Later on sure. I think a simple compromise here would work well. So she spends a little more on the kid but keeps mainly doing what she is doing. Eventually she may get a car or that fund may go to his first car who knows? After all lots of schools have different locations for high school middle school and so on. Not to mention college. As for saving it for a rainy day I think she needs to be more specific as the money is meant to use for the child...
NTA. NTA. They've made it clear they already have a college fund/trust fund for the kid, it's the ex who needs to learn to save money.
I think we all have to remember that both parents have grown up in different worlds. Sounds like the father grew up with money and the mother grew up more in a family where money wasn't the center of life. The mother has a 4 year old. Not a 15 year old and the kid is going to like many different things in the many more years ahead. Many parents know this and that's why kids don't get everything they want. I will say that if the child is healthy and taken care of where they are not hungry or needing things vs wanting things, then the mom saving up is perfect for when she can't afford something. As long as the money is for the child and not herself.
I'm fine with the one toy policy. Agree with others that if the ex thinks she needs a car that the walk is probably long for a 4 year old. I think it's important to stress that you don't "need" name brand clothes and everything, but you should also be careful to not raise someone who views splurging on themselves as vain, or a waste, or whatever issue you have with it. I still feel weird buying myself nice things and rarely do. There's a difference between someone who is entitled and someone who knows how to enjoy nice things.
Mom sounds smart to me. Yes, the dad claims that their son will be cared for, but plans/good intentions don't always work out. This way, she knows son will have some resources if dad falls through. My dad had great intentions. He remarried after he and mom divorced, they had two kids. He always told mom "I'll take care of [me] and [brother]. I'm sure he meant to, but he died with out a will. We ended up with pretty much nothing.
The dad says the kid will be taken care of in the future. But what does that mean? And what happens if that falls through? Also, if he wants her to spend all the money he gives her on the kid, he needs to go to court and renegotiate his child support agreement. Child support also means paying for utilities, groceries, medical issues, etc. Not JUST on things the kid wants. Or I'd let him buy me a car and use the child support payments for the insurance and gas since apparently that is going to be for the kid too.
Maybe there needs to be an adjustment to the amount of money the father is giving. I don't think the child should be spoiled, but should he have to live like he's poor when he is truly not? That is an issue that his mother seems to have, as the father made it clear that his financial future will be taken care of. Teach him to be responsible. Don't buy him everything he wants and "spoil" him, but he shouldn't have to be denied having something new or fun once in a while either. You also don't want him to go from one extreme to the other in dealing with money issues when he is older. There needs to be a balance.
My mother was very frugal, it didn't teach me to be careful with money. I learnt if I spent my money on something I had to hide it and the receipt from her. I was constantly told not to waste my money on friends and family etc. Point I'm trying to make I guess is that spending money on things that make you and your family happy is not a bad thing within reason
Load More Replies... I may not agree with the posts I have been reading so far. I'm going through a divorce myself and our boy is 6. But what I know is that both parents have the same rights in child's life, doesn't matter of the custody. If the father says he would like his child to be picked up from school in a warm car that he (dad) can provide for, then it be. I also know that smaller kids are so wiped out after the school so they just can't wait to be home and have a snack plus cartoons. What if this little boy complained to his dad that he didn't enjoy his long walks back home after a big day? Do you all want to have 25 minutes walks to work and back? What if the mom went out there too much with her savings for that rainy day?
I see nothng wrong with living frugal. Having money does not mean you have to immediatrely spend it. Raising kid is expensive and it's important to have some money aside for emergencies.
He's only 4. They don't develop expensive tastes for another 3 or so years. (More picky on clothes, wanting video games etc ). I don't see a problem with living simply and teaching responsibility now. Just earmark the extra money so your ex knows it's there for the kid when the time comes. We are middle middle class and I'm definitely pretty frugal. The kids have the clothes they need but I always buy cheap, sale, and clearance. I occasionally buy toys but usually wait till birthday or Christmas, especially for big things. I also don't go overboard at Christmas. We could afford to go crazy, but I want to make sure the kids appreciate their gifts... Grandma used to go crazy until I had a talk with her, they just get so overwhelmed with toys that many get ignored.
Absolutely NTA. The mother is setting a good example for the child about not just living with their means but also not living in excess. Just because you have $100 does not mean you have to SPEND $100. I don't get the comments about her being TA because she's not just spending all that money on the child. So what if the father says the child's future is "taken care of" - all that really means at this stage is that he's trying to use that as leverage to control what she spends money on. If he actually has money set aside or just has enough wealth that he can just pay for the child's education/healthcare later then there's no guarantee that he's actually going to use it for that, or present it without strings (like "I'll pay your college tuition but only if you go to X college, or major in Y" for example). If he does that then what are they going to do? Also, what's the worst thing that's going to happen if both parents actually have money for the son's tuition? He'll have extra money?
It's not like she's using the money on things for herself, she's just saving it. I don't see anything wrong with that.
People forget she is also paying for the roof over his head, the utilities he uses, his food and drink. It's funny how often these basics aren't mentioned when people go on about where child support is spent. The child needs a place to live. Daddy pays part of the cost of that too. The child needs to eat. Part of that comes out of child support. etc. etc. Ad nauseam ad infinitum. Mum is saving money for the kid, or for hard times. Very sensible. Kid isn't being deprived.
Wow I only got 350 and almost never received it. I loved walking kids to school it is a great time to chat. Spoiling a child will create costs that money can't correct
A lot of this is subjective and requires more information. If the mum grew up in a financially unstable environment then it's probably hard for her to spend money that she feels maybe better spent in an emergency but I can also understand how the dad feels if he is already saving for the child's future and he see's his child being financially neglected despite him providing for the kid. No one is really the A-hole they just need to talk and work something out.
I think you're the most reasonable here so far. There is a vast difference between "spoiling" and providing nicer items, if possible. I grew up with hand me downs, and was thrilled that I was able to buy new clothes for my kids. Not expensive, but not used. And not all "single" mothers are the saints they're made out to be. My stepdaughter moved in with us at 16 and came to us with only a backpack containing one bra, one pair of underwear, one shirt, and one pair of jeans, in addition to what she was wearing. My husband paid an nice amount of child support. Enough that mom could buy herself not one, but two pairs of Ugg boots. So, my stepdaughter had clothes, and wasn't starving, if you call eating Spaghettios every day not starving. So, as you've said, there is more information needed.
Load More Replies... My daughter's dad paid child support, enough for day to day living, but not enough that I could put anything away. When she was 17 she wanted a car and I was more than happy for her to have one, however, I couldn't afford a car for her. I asked him if he'd help out (trust me, he can more than afford it) He said no because "a car is a luxury she doesn't need". So he controlled her (and me) from a distance because he wasn't the one being a taxi. I would have loved to have been able to put money by so she could decide things she wanted when she was old enough, without having to rely on Daddy Control-Freak
OP talk to a financial adviser and set up an education fund for your son. Sock that money away for college or for him after he graduates. As long as the child's needs are met: roof over his head, food in the pantry, health care, education, clothing, etc. I say save the money.
I think the big thing missing is how much is the child support since it is based off income. If the CS is say $400 a month compared to $4000 a month, it makes a HUGE difference. Plus the kid is 4... He doesnt need everything under the sun or new everything. When he gets older the toys will get more expensive. The money saved can also be used for more expensive trip like Disney world or another attaction. As for walking... I loved the time I got to walk to school with my ma. My nephew loved to get to walk home with his day or the occasion with his ma. Not everything has to be fast pace. <3
Surely if she's not using the majority of the money on the child, the father should have it back? He already says his sons future is secure, so this woman is just hording all the rest of the child support instead of using it for the child. There seems to be nothing wrong with what the woman is doing, but I think the father has a legit reason to be annoyed here. He can't see his money being used for his child, just going into this woman's vague 'rainy day' fund. Perhaps going back to court and renegotiating the amount is in order.
as long as she is saving the money for the kid, I don't see what the problem is. the dad apparently 'has money saved up' for his future, but anything could happen. he could end up losing his money, end up dying, end up not having to pay child support anymore. he sounds like a good dad to want his son to have nice stuff, and she sounds like a good mom for saving for emergencies. two ways to be really great parents.
NTA, the entitled, rich, dad just wants to spoil hi child, but the mom is teaching mindfulness about money, the importance of exercise, and how to love like a regular human! Way to go, mom!
My son is on the other side of this. Caught his wife messing around, divorced, child support in arrears because he couldn't wait for paperwork and spent 'unofficial' $$ that didn't count. Kid's 18+, but son still owes much in arrears. If only his ex would file paperwork to release him ...
I'd rather had my parents not emotionally neglecting me than getting all the toys I want. To be fair, they weren't bad parents and didn't do so on purpose, other family members were just too much for them to handle and since I've always been the more silent and introverted person, I just fell under the rug. All I see here is a father trying to spoil his kid. Children need to learn boundaries and that they can't just get whatever they want. It sounds to me like the mother is actually doing a good job, giving the child all it needs ("needs" is the important word here, it's something completely different to "wants") even spending time walking them to and from school and saving the excess money. I don't get the obsession in the US (sadly it's getting more popular over here, too) to drive their kids to school every day. I walked to elementary school, bus ride to middle school, bike and train to high school and even to university it was train and walking.
I also got 2nd hand clothes as a little kid, even though my parents have always been middle class and never had to worry about money. It doesn't matter as a little kid, you don't care what you wear unless you're being taught to. And reusing resources is better for the environment. Just take a look at what chemicals used in fashion do to rivers in Bangladesh, where the fabrics are produced and where they're released into basically unregulated - at times, the Buriganga river is black - or to the workers, who have to use them.
Load More Replies... Child support is to provide for the welfare of the child. If food, housing, clothing, etc is covered, then the money should be put aside. What happens if daddy is hit by a meteor when the kid is 4 y o and there's no child support for the next 14 years? What happens if custodial dad loses his job and the child support won't cover the rent? What happens when 4 y o Johnny grows into 8 y o Johnny and you get a $25,000 hospital bill from discovering he's deathly allergic to bees? If child support dad wants to spend more money devoted to luxuries, there's nothing stopping him from sending an extra $100 a month tagged for laser tag.
In my opinion, NTA. For a few reasons. 1. It's always good to have money put aside to be untouched until you desperately need it. (or it could be the childs future college fund etc, or money if anything happened to his parents) 2. Kids that age can be destructive and grow quickly and change interests quickly, cheap clothes and toys may be better than something expensive that might only last or hold their interest for 5 minutes despite how much they claim that they want it. 3. It teaches the son not to be spoilt, to be humble and appreciative for what he does have. As for the walk to school, I used to walk about 30 minutes to my primary school, we'd get the bus in really bad weather though. (my dad often was working at other ends of the country) it won't harm the child to do some walking, and it will keep him fit and healthy, and maybe even less likely to go hyper at home with too much energy lol.
People can be so insecure about appearances, that in part plays into the dad's perception of how his child is being cared for. He figures that a certain value should be visible for the amount of child support he's paying. That's not bad, that's just his value system, just as the mother's is one of covering the basics and saving afterwards. I can see how the relationship didn't work out based on their differing financial attitudes.
Only Americans would think it's horrible for a kid to have a 25 minute walk to school. He's getting fresh air, exercise and quality time with his mother. I'm sure they stop at plenty of puddles or autumn leaves and pick up sticks on the way. Everything that's enjoyable for a kid that age.
um... he's four. i live in america and not everyone is not lazy and entitled. i think that's pretty dumb to group everyone together. sure it's a stereotype. not all australian people have a boomerang and not all british people are obsessed with tea. those are bad examples but i think you know what im getting at.
Load More Replies... i feel like the ex wan't to take OP to court lowering the support. What he said does not matter, it's just a "proof" that he's "overpaying". Also i can see why you 2 not together anymore, he sounds like an absolute AH
When you pay child support you don’t get to say how it is spent. Perhaps it allows the recipient to rent a nicer home, buy better quality food and spend more time with her child. As long as the child is happy and healthy, what she spends the money on is none of his business.
There are expenses besides clothes and toys. I'm sure mom pays for food, housing and utilities, both of which are used by her son. Those who have always had money have no idea how those without money live. Mom is teaching her son that it's ok to not have everything you think you want. A rainy day fund is essential if you can afford one and those least able to afford it are the ones most likely to need it. I'm sure Dad thinks he will always be rich and son's future well cared for, but things sometimes go wrong and fortunes are lost. As long as his son is healthy and happy, Dad needs to butt out and let Mom manage her own household, including the finances.
Child support is based on the (non-custodial) parent's income, so naturally it's going to be higher if that parent is more well off. Child support is to reduce the financial burden for the parent the child lives with. That generally means a larger home, higher electric & water bills and naturally more money spent on groceries (it could also include daycare costs or medical insurance). How the mother chooses to use these funds is entirely at her discretion providing the child is fed, clothed & housed properly. I think teaching him the value of money is an important lesson for EVERYONE to learn and saving for a "rainy day" is ALWAYS a good idea. Her ex sounds like he was raised being spoiled & entitled. No big surprise she doesn't want her son to turn out that way.
Child support does not require you to use up every dollar of the monthly payment. I was raised very similarly. Only one toy at the toy at, walked to school myself starting 1st year, didn't get designer clothes, etc. it taught me that hard work would avail me to things I wanted. My parents made sure I had everything I needed. I I still live like that today.this child won't be an entitled brat like his father! Just hope father doesn't lure him away by buying him stuff later.
It boggles my mind that so many people voted her as Asshole. A 25 minute walk is good for children. Not having a million toys is good for children. As long as she's spending the money on high quality food and other support, what is the issue? He'll be glad of that future fund when he's 18.
They're acting as if 25 minutes is the end of the world 😐 oh how dare someone make a child all 25 minutes in the age of users and lifts!
Load More Replies... Child support is calculated based on a basic rate of how much it takes to raise a child, against how much the party paying the support earns in a year, the court comes up with that figure and child support is set. He does not have the legal right to tell her how to spend that child support, as long as all of the child's needs are met in accordance with the law, he can't say anything about it. If he wants to renegotiate the child support, court will deal with that, but he doesn't have a leg to stand on when telling you how to spend that money. Tell him to sod off and find another persons business to stick his silver-spoon-fed nose in. You're raising your son right.
Sounds like he is paying more than he has to, and then he absolutely has a say in how the excess money is spent - all you mentioned is only valid for part of the support.
Load More Replies... It's quite adorable how the majority is bashing the mother for not spoiling her kid and depriving him all the useless luxury stuff he could have had. Shows how brainwashed they are to be materialistic as hell.
Hmmm. Must be reading different posts. From what I see, most if the people here are applauding mom for being frugal.
Load More Replies... This really depends on how the child support payment was handled. If the father was lead to believe the full amount was needed to support the child then he has a right to expect a certain level of care based on that amount. I think the correct course is to renegotiate the child support. With regards to how the mother is raising the child I see no issue here in fact I think she is raising the child incredibly well.
This is a way more complex issue. If the dad was the one buying his son everything he wants, and the mom wants to teach frugality it will cause a conflict. No matter what, it seems like this dad just doesn't like the thought his son is living with less comforts. It's not like the mom is using the money to indulge in herself while neglecting her son. If she feels the money should be saved for emergencies, such as medical care for the son, or other unexpected costs that come with raising a child. It's not like the dad is concerned about her spending the child support on luxury items, like a car, as other dads would make a huge stink about it. In that regard, anything the mom is trying to do with the money to be responsible and smart will benefit their son. On the flipside, I don't understand why she went to the internet to find support. We're not going to be able to help her change her ex's mindset. At this point she's just looking for validation, and at that aspect she's TA towards us
I grew up "on a budget" as well but I think she's wrong. Just because I couldn't get nice things, I wouldn't deny them to my kid and if I was paying an x amount of child support, I'd expect it to be spent on my son. On the other hand, she is actually teaching him a few lessons...
Wanting the son to take an Uber instead of walking and over-indulging him in material possessions doesn't sound like he's looking out for his son's best interests
Load More Replies... I think your bias is definitely in the way here. It is not 'suffering' to walk. And the money IS hers. Its hers because she pays food, clothing, gas, electricity, phone, medical, sport and literally everything else for the child. She might not be spending all of it right now, but he is 4. His needs are not that great at this age. Wait until he is 13 and needs a phone and a new laptop for school every year and high school books and music lessons, and sporting uniforms and pocket money and social events or when he is 16 and needs driving lessons and a car. Kids cost more the older they get. The mum is probably gonna need to save up now while she can to meet these needs later.
Load More Replies... Firstly, child support is based on income of the parents, not the spending habits of the parents. Secondly, the cost of the court procedings are likely to be significantly more than any 'potential' difference in child support the husband might win. Thirdly, I say 'might' because, and I practice family law, in these circumstances and for these reasons he would be unlikely to win. Finally, the kid is four. His needs are not that great at this age. Wait until he is 13 and needs a phone and a new laptop for school and high school books and music lessons, and sporting uniforms and pocket money and social events. The mum is probably gonna need to save up now while she can to meet these needs later.
Load More Replies... (1) nowhere in the thread does she imply that the money isn't for the child. She just isn't spending it NOW, she is saving it for later. It isn't like she is spending it on herself (2) She is not in need of a money manager. She is managing her money just fine. She is keeping a tight budget and staying within it. That makes her a BETTER money manager than most.
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