“A Kid Isn’t A Freeloading Roommate”: Mom Goes Viral For Explaining How Kids “Don’t Owe Their Parents Anything”
Kids don’t owe their parents anything. That’s the idea that full-time mom Lisa Pontius believes everyone ought to hear. In a viral TikTok video, she explains exactly why she believes that it’s wrong to guilt children into thinking that they owe their parents a certain type of relationship and respect because of everything they’ve done for them. Once they grow up, it’s for them to decide what the relationship should be like. And providing for your child’s physical and financial needs is a parent’s responsibility; it’s not done to make your child blindly obey you in the future.
At the time of writing, the video already had 4.1 million views, 642k likes, and 70.8k shares which just goes to show just how much the topic about setting boundaries with loved ones resonated with TikTok viewers.
Lisa pointed out that she’s perfectly aware that her views are controversial and likely to make quite a few people angry. Check out her video below and let us know what you think of her parenting philosophy, dear Pandas.
Do you agree with her? Do you think that kids really do owe their parents a lot for everything they’ve done? Or do you think the situation is much more nuanced and not as clear-cut as it seems? Share your thoughts and insights in the comment section.
More info: TikTok | Instagram | ItsMeLisaP.com
Full-time mom Lisa gave her honest opinion about why she thinks kids don’t owe their parents anything
Image credits: itsme_lisap
Her video went viral and has over 4.1 million views. You can watch the full version right over here
@itsme_lisapAlready anticipating the Karen’s in the comments ##parenting ##parentsoftiktok ##parentchildrelationship ##respect ##boundaries♬ original sound – Lisa P
In her video, Lisa points out that all the things that parents do for their kids should be considered, well, parenting. You’re supposed to take care of your kid, provide a roof over their head, feed them, and do all the hundreds of things, small and large, that help them grow up into a fully-functioning adult. It’s a responsibility that you signed up for.
“You don’t get a participation trophy for housing your child or keeping your child clean. The whole ‘roof over your head’ argument is manipulative, because in theory, wouldn’t you have had a place to live for yourself regardless of if you had children? A kid isn’t a freeloading roommate, they’re your dependent and your responsibility,” Lisa told BuzzFeed in an interview.
According to Lisa, providing for your kids is a responsibility, not a way to force them into having the relationship you want with them once they grow up
Image credits: itsme.lisap
Image credits: itsme.lisap
According to the mom, even though not everyone “rises to the occasion” when it comes to parenting, they’re still supposed to do the bare minimum. Taking care of your children’s physical and financial needs is expected of you. Lisa added that a level above that is taking care of their emotional needs as well and that’s what separates good parents from average ones.
Providing for your child isn’t done so that your kid will blindly obey everything that you will say once they grow up. What’s more, Lisa pointed out that no matter how good of a job you think you’ve done, there’s always a chance that your kids won’t want to spend time with you in the future.
That’s because, in her words, you don’t get to pick your kids or the struggles that they go through. At the end of the day, you should aim to be the best parent you can be and you might get the relationship with your child that you want in the future. But it’s not a guarantee because your kids are people, too.
In her blog, Lisa shares that she’s an ex-private chef from New York who moved to Charleston and became a housewife. Lisa lives with her husband, two kids (firstborn Lyla and son Miles), and a dog that she feeds too much.
“After having kids, and turning 30 I found myself in a crisis of style and situation. I took myself out of the food and beverage world to be a full-time mom and wife. Struggling to find my new identity and figure out who I was, I found myself creating this new me through style,” she writes.
“It took me a few years to figure out this whole fashion thing, but here I am, with a fully curated and ever-evolving sense of personal style that has made me a more vibrant version of myself.”
Here’s how people have been reacting to Lisa’s controversial-yet-honest video
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Life is hard. Very hard, in fact. Children are had because parents wanted them (sometimes pressured to) either because they want to see mini versions of themselves, want the feeling of being parents, want to salvage relationships, want an heir..whatever - that's where it all starts. Parents wanted them - the kids didn't ask to be here, didn't ask parents to give up their jobs, etc. When you decide to bring a human being into this world, you have responsibilities - to raise them until they are able to take care of themselves. That is your responsibility as someone who decided to create a human into this life where they'll have to live for 70+ years and go through a massive amount of events, many unpleasant/upsetting. So I agree with the lady.
So, all children are planned and wanted? Interesting.
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I have no idea why some people think we owe some kind of groveling adulation to our parents. My dad beat us. He didn't earn my love or my respect as a parent. I wouldn't leave him to die, but I wouldn't do that to a total stranger... b/c my MOM raised me, and encouraged me to be an individual, make choices, be adult, and if I wanted to move far away, hey, she'll be happy to see my when she can. She earned my respect as an adult, she gave enough love to me as a child that I could never be in doubt of her love, and she has never once demanded anything in return once I became an adult but the same courtesy she taught me to give to strangers. Ergo: How is it ungrateful to live your life when that life is what your parent(s) raised you to live to the best of your (not their) ability?
Damnnnnnn. As someone who has no relationship with the person who raised me, and little relationship with my father, I really needed to hear this. I have been guilted by so many family members into believing that I owe my parents something for providing for me. Even though it's healthier for me to not have a relationship with them. Damn. This message means a lot to me.
You can be grateful without being a doormat or sacrificing your entire life because some else claims they "gave up their life" to be a parent.
Agree 100%. The relationship you have with your adult children is the relationship YOU engineered. I have a fantastic relationship with my adult daughter, who lives with me...because I always respected her as her own person, even when she was a child.
Can't stand those parents that blame their kids for "ruining their bodies", calling them spoiled brats for just being kids, threatening to hurt them or "end their life" just because they make mistakes and don't have the ability to control their emotions, and just generally complain about their kids. Then there are the parents who think they can mold their kids to be who they want them to be and get angry at their kids for being themselves.
I totally agree with her. The parents decided to have children. The child did not have an option. Parents should know that it is lot of work to raise a child and it is not free. But they made the decision and just because they wanted to have kids they cannot guilt their children or think that they owe them something. It was their decision not the kids. And like Lisa points out that all the things that parents do for their kids should be considered, parenting. You’re supposed to take care of your kid, that is what being parent means. Good parents don't make it conditional that they take care of their own children. Gosh I don't know how any parent can thin anything else. And for that poster MILLAR why is she horrible ungrateful person?! How did you came in to that conclusion?!!!
There is a situation not related to me but someone I know. I know this couple in their 60s who have gone above and beyond to raise their kids right. They provided them love and affection and set the appropriate boundaries that are needed for a healthy upbringing. I have known this couple for many decades and they have 3 daughters. Two of the daughters are in their late 30s to mid-40s. They are extremely rude and rarely do they communicate with their parents. That's not true, they do communicate when they want MONEY. In fact, the only time they communicate is when they want something. They don't show up for Christmas dinners nor do they call when it is their parent's birthdays. Like clockwork, when money runs dry or they need help with THEIR kids, they come crawling back to mom and dad. They are selfish and ungrateful. I agree with everything that this article talks about, but in certain situations, some kids can be ***holes no matter what the parents do.
The trouble is parents can be the loveliest, most generous people but still not manage to inculcate a generosity of spirit, a lack of materialism, consideration for others. I know two very wealthy families. Each with 3 children. Parents are lovely, good people but they have inadvertently given their children very different values. One set are as you describe. Might be who they would have been anyway but they wanted for nothing. Great education, love, support and most things a child could want. On the outside it looked great but something seems to have gone wrong and it looks like they never learned to think beyond their own comfort. The other family are all generous, kind hearted, think of others before themselves. They also had a great education etc but they were not brought up as materialistic. Some people are hard to ruin, others easy. We are a very mixed bag.
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Your job as a parent is to raise functional adults. That is what you CHOSE to take on when you had kids.
However, having kids that expect the world and dont appreciate anything is the flip side. While it is your job doesnt mean you owe them everything either. And teaching them to appreciate things is not a bad trait. If they dont then they dont learn to take care of things and people because its whats owed them. Its a fine line ppl
Lol, somebody doesn't have teenagers yet. Let me know how respected and loved you feel. Raising kid is a tough job. You give your all. One day you're the enemy ... literally for no reason. You'll be thinking of all those nights you were up with a sick child . All those times where something scary happened and you held it all together and got everyone through. Then your daughter calls you a b*tch because you won't let her stay out until 2 am when she's 15. Kids are meant to be ungrateful to a point , but to diminish the role a parent has played and say they deserve no respect .... assenine
Cijelo vrijeme razmišljam kako moram naći tu ženu kada joj djeca budu tinejdžeri 😁, kada počnu donositi odluke koje nisu dobre za njih, npr. Ne želim više ići u školu, konzumacija alkohola, možda i lakih droga, a vi znate da ste posao roditelja odradili više nego dobro. I onda ćete im reći: dužni ste mi, biti dobro, dužni ste me slušati, jer ne želim da probaš drogu zato što to rade i tvoji prijatelji. Svašta ćete im reći, jer će vam se duša smrznuti od pomisli da bi im se nešto loše moglo dogoditi. Sretno...
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Thank you, thank you....and thank you once more. You have no idea how important your message is for me in the time being. I can't thank you enough.
Any time a parent gives a child that whole "You should be grateful for a roof over your head, blah blah blah" bullshit, the child should fire back with, "It's your fault I'm here, should I be grateful for your judgement, or lack thereof?"
I tell my boy he should be grateful for the good life he has when he complains about trivial things. I tell him this not so he is grateful to me, but because some children are abused, neglected, unloved, unnurtured and starving and he is not. He should be grateful and pay it forward.
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Your kids don't "owe" you. You chose to have them, they did not choose to be born. Remember that...
My mother: I am now convinced she's prooobably got some range of NPD ... my earliest memory (and that clocks in at about 3 years old) is her yelling at me, pushing me over so that I'd fall on the bed (she picked me up and tossed me onto it - but of course, bed is soft, no marks left) and screaming about what a useless sh** I am... and that my misbehaving meant I wanted to 'go away' - and the gist was that she would remind me consistently and frequently over the years that she would be very happy to remove the roof from over my head to 'teach me a lesson about gratitude'. I knew my father would not intervene if she REALLY decided to go through with it. I've never had a 'safe space'. To be told I need to "be there" and "supportive" because "Family-DNA" is baffling and offensive to me. It's telling me that this treatment is not only okay, but 'good' for me... I should reward them for threatening me?
Curious what Pandas in Asian cultures have to say. As a white kid, I was told that Asians revere their elders more and that’s why nursing homes don’t exist in those counties.
Nursing homes exist.....but mainly as charities or private and not provided by state as a system. Some Asian children do dump their parents in Old age homes. According to Pew Research 6% of 60+ elders live alone in Asian countries.....whereas 36% to 50% of 60+ elders live alone in Europe. Also, Asian widows and widowers tend to not remarry, so generally 94% of them live with family till they pass away. Most traditional societies are family based and are like this.
Load More Replies... Sometimes it’s not just setting boundaries that’s the hard part. It’s really the societal pressure that comes with doing so. I have to reconcile that so many think I’m a “bad son”, including my siblings. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t pretend to be best friends with someone who I would run away from if I met on the street as a stranger.
When I hear "I didn't ask to be born" it makes me sad. I hope you experience joy and moments where you are grateful you were born. Being grateful doesn't mean you need to do anything for anyone. it's not about someone else's entitlement, it's just a feeling that is yours.
The title is vague and misleading. Adult kids don’t owe parents a loving relationship, sure. But there are various things you can “owe” to your parents throughout your life depending on circumstances. E.g. doing chores around the parents’ house while living there as a child or contributing to expenses while living there as an adult, not just expecting the parents to do everything for you while you sit there being entitled.
Who thinks that their kids owe them something for having them?
In the movie "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner", one of the highlights of the movie is a scene between Sidney Poitier's character and the character's father. The father is opposed to his son marrying a white woman and tries to use the "you owe me" approach to get his son to comply to his wishes. In reply, he says the same thing to his father that this woman says. My favorite scene next to Spencer Tracy's "speech" at the movie's denouement.
I’d love for folks who have kids to be the only ones who chime in here. Kids owe their parents a great deal, as without them the children in question wouldn’t exist at all. Of course boundaries are healthy in adult relationships, but let’s not confuse that with the entirely of the life of the child. Children have underdeveloped brains until the age of 25 and while true, parents are on the line for them, the kids aren’t devoid of responsibility for their own actions either. And gratitude is a two way street. We feel it as we give it. Otherwise we risk being entitled little shits turned into larger adult ones who cause society a lot of grief. 🤦♂️
Kids never asked to be born. They don't have to be grateful to their parents for making them or providing the bare minimum if they're neglected or abused in other ways, such as emotionally.
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I disagree with y'all. Parents owe their children the fundamentals (food, clothing, shelter, etc) *and* are supposed to teach them how to be good adults. Children's responsibilities are to grow up into good adults. Then how they manage their relationships is dependent on how they treat each other, just like every other relationship.
I think there are old, unhealthy ideas about owing parents just because they are parents, but I am curious how her perspective may change when it is her children that are pulling away. As this moment, she knows it could happen intellectually, but she hasn't experienced it emotionally.
Not all parents chose to have kids. My first was accidental, I didn't choose to have her but I did choose to keep her. And I have made many mistakes along the way. When you are given this huge responsibility, this little person who depends on you for EVERYTHING, that's a massive big deal yet there is no instruction manual. If you don't have family around you, those times are scary and overwhelming and this is when parents make mistakes. I think as parents we also need to acknowledge those mistakes and stop feeling guilty for screaming at them to find their goddamn shoes or you'll take them to school in their bare feet at the age of 5 - because having that on repeat in your head when they are 20 and blaming all their insecurities on that, is not healthy. Parenting is hard work and I think that should be acknowledged and supported. Parents are their own worst critics.
We are all made if choices, maybe motherhood was forced on a woman but talk like "you're so lucky I paid for your food" is dumb sh*. Oh you fed me? Every day? What a hero. The child still doesn't "owe" you.
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I don't have kids nor that I want them (due to genetic diseases both my partner and I have) but I can understand and respect this woman's opinion that children don't owe their parents anything. In many other cultures (I'm European mixed Asian) we believe that taking care of parents is a beautiful and natural thing. It breaks my heart when I see elderly being alone when they actually have their kids to help take care of them but won't simply because they think they owe nothing to their parents, the two people that have taken care of them and often made sacrifices in their lives. Life is hard so if we can why not take care of our family? :)
I have been having some debates here on these comments. I would like to say that this women, this post, has no right to create such turmoil. How has she become a say so of authority or an influence of any parental control? It seems she mostly wants to show her fashion. You know your level of parental morals and you know that you love your kids more than anything on this earth. Love to you and your family and most of all your kids . And f**k this self proclaimed fashionista on how to rear your babes.
1) They should be grateful. But they're kids. They're not going to be. Expect grateful when they grow up and can actually fathom what's happened in their life. 2) No, they don't owe you any kind of relationship. There's no free pass for being an ass. Doesn't matter if they're family or not, no one has to like you or have a relationship with you if you're a douche.
She's right and stuff, but ... but if I change someone's diapers, I want them to owe me something. But then again - I don't have children, nor want children, nor even have a girlfriend at the moment ... and never changed a diaper so far. Well, not on a child, on a former girlfriend, I did (on two, actually, of whom one needed them permanently, one temproarily), but that's like something a little else. Anyway, she's right, regardless of what I'd want or not want.
i'm a hardcore introvert in a family of extroverts. i like being holed up in my house after a long week of working retail. i also don't have kids. my (older) sister does (had them young as well) and calls my mom at least twice a day, especially now that her kids are in the mid/older teen years. it took me years to realize that i was not a bad adult child because i don't call my mom every day. i absolutely love them, they gave me a great childhood and i appreciate everything/opportunity they gave me. i keep them informed of major events and general well-being updates probably twice a month but my mind is not wired to call them every day. my mom is fun and i love her but there was never a "my mom is my best friend" situation because when it came down to it growing up, she was mom not best friend. see? it's hard to effectively explain it properly from the child's POV as an adult as well without sounding selfish to other people.
I understand that my mother's parenting was based on social norms she was conformed to at the time, along with certain psychological barriers. However, I have to do intensive cognitive therapy to break free from the Stockholm syndrome type of relationship I have with my emotionally, mentally and psychologically toxic mother. I love her from a distance. I've set boundaries for my own protection and apart from checking in once a week, I don't want her to be a part of my life. I'm finding it difficult to decide whether or not to tell her that I have to go for extensive back surgery soon, just because I feel obliged to, "because she's my mom". I think a lot of factors from my childhood have influenced my absolute refusal to have kids of my own.
Sometimes unloveable people have children so there will be someone to love them.
The people who say "respect has to be earned" are generally the people who expect it given to them without earning it.
Oh, I dunno. Maybe we were told that we were to respect the person beating us, when in fact we feared them, and we view respect differently as a result?
Load More Replies... Evidently your parents didn't explain to you the nuance of what such prizes are awarded for......
Load More Replies... 1) kids should be grateful. Doesn't mean they will be. They're kids for Christ's sake. 2) no, they don't owe you any kind of relationship. Like all things in life, if that's what you want, you do what you can to get it. There's no free pass at being an ass and expecting people, ANYONE family or not, to like you.
Kids don't owe a relationship with their parents, just coz they worked so hard to raise them. Also, rich owe it to the society to pay back their wealth to improve lives of people they've never met. Don't you see the irony BP editors :-O
Please - no more tiktok videos. That's not the content I want to see here.
Based on the downvotes it would appear its wrong to express a desire to see whether changing circumstances might alter a persons perspective. Be better BPs!
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This has nothing to do with being a boomer. In fact, it's the parents of the boomers who are more likely to suscribe to this belief.
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Life is hard. Very hard, in fact. Children are had because parents wanted them (sometimes pressured to) either because they want to see mini versions of themselves, want the feeling of being parents, want to salvage relationships, want an heir..whatever - that's where it all starts. Parents wanted them - the kids didn't ask to be here, didn't ask parents to give up their jobs, etc. When you decide to bring a human being into this world, you have responsibilities - to raise them until they are able to take care of themselves. That is your responsibility as someone who decided to create a human into this life where they'll have to live for 70+ years and go through a massive amount of events, many unpleasant/upsetting. So I agree with the lady.
So, all children are planned and wanted? Interesting.
Load More Replies... I have no idea why some people think we owe some kind of groveling adulation to our parents. My dad beat us. He didn't earn my love or my respect as a parent. I wouldn't leave him to die, but I wouldn't do that to a total stranger... b/c my MOM raised me, and encouraged me to be an individual, make choices, be adult, and if I wanted to move far away, hey, she'll be happy to see my when she can. She earned my respect as an adult, she gave enough love to me as a child that I could never be in doubt of her love, and she has never once demanded anything in return once I became an adult but the same courtesy she taught me to give to strangers. Ergo: How is it ungrateful to live your life when that life is what your parent(s) raised you to live to the best of your (not their) ability?
Damnnnnnn. As someone who has no relationship with the person who raised me, and little relationship with my father, I really needed to hear this. I have been guilted by so many family members into believing that I owe my parents something for providing for me. Even though it's healthier for me to not have a relationship with them. Damn. This message means a lot to me.
You can be grateful without being a doormat or sacrificing your entire life because some else claims they "gave up their life" to be a parent.
Agree 100%. The relationship you have with your adult children is the relationship YOU engineered. I have a fantastic relationship with my adult daughter, who lives with me...because I always respected her as her own person, even when she was a child.
Can't stand those parents that blame their kids for "ruining their bodies", calling them spoiled brats for just being kids, threatening to hurt them or "end their life" just because they make mistakes and don't have the ability to control their emotions, and just generally complain about their kids. Then there are the parents who think they can mold their kids to be who they want them to be and get angry at their kids for being themselves.
I totally agree with her. The parents decided to have children. The child did not have an option. Parents should know that it is lot of work to raise a child and it is not free. But they made the decision and just because they wanted to have kids they cannot guilt their children or think that they owe them something. It was their decision not the kids. And like Lisa points out that all the things that parents do for their kids should be considered, parenting. You’re supposed to take care of your kid, that is what being parent means. Good parents don't make it conditional that they take care of their own children. Gosh I don't know how any parent can thin anything else. And for that poster MILLAR why is she horrible ungrateful person?! How did you came in to that conclusion?!!!
There is a situation not related to me but someone I know. I know this couple in their 60s who have gone above and beyond to raise their kids right. They provided them love and affection and set the appropriate boundaries that are needed for a healthy upbringing. I have known this couple for many decades and they have 3 daughters. Two of the daughters are in their late 30s to mid-40s. They are extremely rude and rarely do they communicate with their parents. That's not true, they do communicate when they want MONEY. In fact, the only time they communicate is when they want something. They don't show up for Christmas dinners nor do they call when it is their parent's birthdays. Like clockwork, when money runs dry or they need help with THEIR kids, they come crawling back to mom and dad. They are selfish and ungrateful. I agree with everything that this article talks about, but in certain situations, some kids can be ***holes no matter what the parents do.
The trouble is parents can be the loveliest, most generous people but still not manage to inculcate a generosity of spirit, a lack of materialism, consideration for others. I know two very wealthy families. Each with 3 children. Parents are lovely, good people but they have inadvertently given their children very different values. One set are as you describe. Might be who they would have been anyway but they wanted for nothing. Great education, love, support and most things a child could want. On the outside it looked great but something seems to have gone wrong and it looks like they never learned to think beyond their own comfort. The other family are all generous, kind hearted, think of others before themselves. They also had a great education etc but they were not brought up as materialistic. Some people are hard to ruin, others easy. We are a very mixed bag.
Load More Replies... Your job as a parent is to raise functional adults. That is what you CHOSE to take on when you had kids.
However, having kids that expect the world and dont appreciate anything is the flip side. While it is your job doesnt mean you owe them everything either. And teaching them to appreciate things is not a bad trait. If they dont then they dont learn to take care of things and people because its whats owed them. Its a fine line ppl
Lol, somebody doesn't have teenagers yet. Let me know how respected and loved you feel. Raising kid is a tough job. You give your all. One day you're the enemy ... literally for no reason. You'll be thinking of all those nights you were up with a sick child . All those times where something scary happened and you held it all together and got everyone through. Then your daughter calls you a b*tch because you won't let her stay out until 2 am when she's 15. Kids are meant to be ungrateful to a point , but to diminish the role a parent has played and say they deserve no respect .... assenine
Cijelo vrijeme razmišljam kako moram naći tu ženu kada joj djeca budu tinejdžeri 😁, kada počnu donositi odluke koje nisu dobre za njih, npr. Ne želim više ići u školu, konzumacija alkohola, možda i lakih droga, a vi znate da ste posao roditelja odradili više nego dobro. I onda ćete im reći: dužni ste mi, biti dobro, dužni ste me slušati, jer ne želim da probaš drogu zato što to rade i tvoji prijatelji. Svašta ćete im reći, jer će vam se duša smrznuti od pomisli da bi im se nešto loše moglo dogoditi. Sretno...
Load More Replies... Thank you, thank you....and thank you once more. You have no idea how important your message is for me in the time being. I can't thank you enough.
Any time a parent gives a child that whole "You should be grateful for a roof over your head, blah blah blah" bullshit, the child should fire back with, "It's your fault I'm here, should I be grateful for your judgement, or lack thereof?"
I tell my boy he should be grateful for the good life he has when he complains about trivial things. I tell him this not so he is grateful to me, but because some children are abused, neglected, unloved, unnurtured and starving and he is not. He should be grateful and pay it forward.
Load More Replies... Your kids don't "owe" you. You chose to have them, they did not choose to be born. Remember that...
My mother: I am now convinced she's prooobably got some range of NPD ... my earliest memory (and that clocks in at about 3 years old) is her yelling at me, pushing me over so that I'd fall on the bed (she picked me up and tossed me onto it - but of course, bed is soft, no marks left) and screaming about what a useless sh** I am... and that my misbehaving meant I wanted to 'go away' - and the gist was that she would remind me consistently and frequently over the years that she would be very happy to remove the roof from over my head to 'teach me a lesson about gratitude'. I knew my father would not intervene if she REALLY decided to go through with it. I've never had a 'safe space'. To be told I need to "be there" and "supportive" because "Family-DNA" is baffling and offensive to me. It's telling me that this treatment is not only okay, but 'good' for me... I should reward them for threatening me?
Curious what Pandas in Asian cultures have to say. As a white kid, I was told that Asians revere their elders more and that’s why nursing homes don’t exist in those counties.
Nursing homes exist.....but mainly as charities or private and not provided by state as a system. Some Asian children do dump their parents in Old age homes. According to Pew Research 6% of 60+ elders live alone in Asian countries.....whereas 36% to 50% of 60+ elders live alone in Europe. Also, Asian widows and widowers tend to not remarry, so generally 94% of them live with family till they pass away. Most traditional societies are family based and are like this.
Load More Replies... Sometimes it’s not just setting boundaries that’s the hard part. It’s really the societal pressure that comes with doing so. I have to reconcile that so many think I’m a “bad son”, including my siblings. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t pretend to be best friends with someone who I would run away from if I met on the street as a stranger.
When I hear "I didn't ask to be born" it makes me sad. I hope you experience joy and moments where you are grateful you were born. Being grateful doesn't mean you need to do anything for anyone. it's not about someone else's entitlement, it's just a feeling that is yours.
The title is vague and misleading. Adult kids don’t owe parents a loving relationship, sure. But there are various things you can “owe” to your parents throughout your life depending on circumstances. E.g. doing chores around the parents’ house while living there as a child or contributing to expenses while living there as an adult, not just expecting the parents to do everything for you while you sit there being entitled.
Who thinks that their kids owe them something for having them?
In the movie "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner", one of the highlights of the movie is a scene between Sidney Poitier's character and the character's father. The father is opposed to his son marrying a white woman and tries to use the "you owe me" approach to get his son to comply to his wishes. In reply, he says the same thing to his father that this woman says. My favorite scene next to Spencer Tracy's "speech" at the movie's denouement.
I’d love for folks who have kids to be the only ones who chime in here. Kids owe their parents a great deal, as without them the children in question wouldn’t exist at all. Of course boundaries are healthy in adult relationships, but let’s not confuse that with the entirely of the life of the child. Children have underdeveloped brains until the age of 25 and while true, parents are on the line for them, the kids aren’t devoid of responsibility for their own actions either. And gratitude is a two way street. We feel it as we give it. Otherwise we risk being entitled little shits turned into larger adult ones who cause society a lot of grief. 🤦♂️
Kids never asked to be born. They don't have to be grateful to their parents for making them or providing the bare minimum if they're neglected or abused in other ways, such as emotionally.
Load More Replies... I disagree with y'all. Parents owe their children the fundamentals (food, clothing, shelter, etc) *and* are supposed to teach them how to be good adults. Children's responsibilities are to grow up into good adults. Then how they manage their relationships is dependent on how they treat each other, just like every other relationship.
I think there are old, unhealthy ideas about owing parents just because they are parents, but I am curious how her perspective may change when it is her children that are pulling away. As this moment, she knows it could happen intellectually, but she hasn't experienced it emotionally.
Not all parents chose to have kids. My first was accidental, I didn't choose to have her but I did choose to keep her. And I have made many mistakes along the way. When you are given this huge responsibility, this little person who depends on you for EVERYTHING, that's a massive big deal yet there is no instruction manual. If you don't have family around you, those times are scary and overwhelming and this is when parents make mistakes. I think as parents we also need to acknowledge those mistakes and stop feeling guilty for screaming at them to find their goddamn shoes or you'll take them to school in their bare feet at the age of 5 - because having that on repeat in your head when they are 20 and blaming all their insecurities on that, is not healthy. Parenting is hard work and I think that should be acknowledged and supported. Parents are their own worst critics.
We are all made if choices, maybe motherhood was forced on a woman but talk like "you're so lucky I paid for your food" is dumb sh*. Oh you fed me? Every day? What a hero. The child still doesn't "owe" you.
Load More Replies... I don't have kids nor that I want them (due to genetic diseases both my partner and I have) but I can understand and respect this woman's opinion that children don't owe their parents anything. In many other cultures (I'm European mixed Asian) we believe that taking care of parents is a beautiful and natural thing. It breaks my heart when I see elderly being alone when they actually have their kids to help take care of them but won't simply because they think they owe nothing to their parents, the two people that have taken care of them and often made sacrifices in their lives. Life is hard so if we can why not take care of our family? :)
I have been having some debates here on these comments. I would like to say that this women, this post, has no right to create such turmoil. How has she become a say so of authority or an influence of any parental control? It seems she mostly wants to show her fashion. You know your level of parental morals and you know that you love your kids more than anything on this earth. Love to you and your family and most of all your kids . And f**k this self proclaimed fashionista on how to rear your babes.
1) They should be grateful. But they're kids. They're not going to be. Expect grateful when they grow up and can actually fathom what's happened in their life. 2) No, they don't owe you any kind of relationship. There's no free pass for being an ass. Doesn't matter if they're family or not, no one has to like you or have a relationship with you if you're a douche.
She's right and stuff, but ... but if I change someone's diapers, I want them to owe me something. But then again - I don't have children, nor want children, nor even have a girlfriend at the moment ... and never changed a diaper so far. Well, not on a child, on a former girlfriend, I did (on two, actually, of whom one needed them permanently, one temproarily), but that's like something a little else. Anyway, she's right, regardless of what I'd want or not want.
i'm a hardcore introvert in a family of extroverts. i like being holed up in my house after a long week of working retail. i also don't have kids. my (older) sister does (had them young as well) and calls my mom at least twice a day, especially now that her kids are in the mid/older teen years. it took me years to realize that i was not a bad adult child because i don't call my mom every day. i absolutely love them, they gave me a great childhood and i appreciate everything/opportunity they gave me. i keep them informed of major events and general well-being updates probably twice a month but my mind is not wired to call them every day. my mom is fun and i love her but there was never a "my mom is my best friend" situation because when it came down to it growing up, she was mom not best friend. see? it's hard to effectively explain it properly from the child's POV as an adult as well without sounding selfish to other people.
I understand that my mother's parenting was based on social norms she was conformed to at the time, along with certain psychological barriers. However, I have to do intensive cognitive therapy to break free from the Stockholm syndrome type of relationship I have with my emotionally, mentally and psychologically toxic mother. I love her from a distance. I've set boundaries for my own protection and apart from checking in once a week, I don't want her to be a part of my life. I'm finding it difficult to decide whether or not to tell her that I have to go for extensive back surgery soon, just because I feel obliged to, "because she's my mom". I think a lot of factors from my childhood have influenced my absolute refusal to have kids of my own.
Sometimes unloveable people have children so there will be someone to love them.
The people who say "respect has to be earned" are generally the people who expect it given to them without earning it.
Oh, I dunno. Maybe we were told that we were to respect the person beating us, when in fact we feared them, and we view respect differently as a result?
Load More Replies... Evidently your parents didn't explain to you the nuance of what such prizes are awarded for......
Load More Replies... 1) kids should be grateful. Doesn't mean they will be. They're kids for Christ's sake. 2) no, they don't owe you any kind of relationship. Like all things in life, if that's what you want, you do what you can to get it. There's no free pass at being an ass and expecting people, ANYONE family or not, to like you.
Kids don't owe a relationship with their parents, just coz they worked so hard to raise them. Also, rich owe it to the society to pay back their wealth to improve lives of people they've never met. Don't you see the irony BP editors :-O
Please - no more tiktok videos. That's not the content I want to see here.
Based on the downvotes it would appear its wrong to express a desire to see whether changing circumstances might alter a persons perspective. Be better BPs!
Load More Replies... This has nothing to do with being a boomer. In fact, it's the parents of the boomers who are more likely to suscribe to this belief.
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