Mom Who Can’t Get Any Sleep Because Of Parenting Gets Slammed By Folks Online For “Canceling” Her Step-Daughter’s Weekend Visits
Growing up to be an adult means a lot of things. The one thing everyone megaloathes about it, though, is slowly but surely becoming a part of the Always Tired Club. Perhaps also becoming the president of it. And guess what happens when you have kids?
Needless to say, exhaustion can kick in really quickly. In fact, it can progress to such a degree that you can start prioritizing sleep over absolutely everything else in life. Like family obligations.
Well, an overly exhausted mother recently turned to the internet to talk about this very situation, and to ask who is the jerk here—her step-daughter who keeps coming in every other weekend, or the mom, who just can’t get no sleep.
More Info: Reddit
What do you do when sleep deprivation kicks in and you have kids to take care of? Well, there are many solutions…
Image credits: Dan Harrelson (not the actual image )
A mother of 3 kids—4 months, 2 years and 4 years—recently went to Reddit, specifically the Am I The A-Hole subreddit, to settle a dilemma she had. One that involves lack of sleep and an upset step-daughter.
In particular, she has her 13-year-old step-daughter come over every other week for a visit. This way, she gets to spend time with her biological dad and step-siblings.
However, there’s a bit of a problem. As you might have already guessed, the three other kids are still at an age that requires quite a bit of investment in terms of time and attention. Even more so if you have a kid that is super fussy and has rough nights on the regular: The 4-month-old.
… However, eliminating time with your step-daughter isn’t a solution as folks online have ruled for this mom of 3 and her husband
Image credits: u/National_Law_6665
Image credits: Lynda A (not the actual image)
It has become so bad that the parents are practically living on a prayer sleep-wise. They work all day, don’t get any sleep due to the baby experiencing colic pain, so the only time they can catch up on sleep is the weekend. This in turn means nearly no time for the teen daughter the dad has from another relationship.
Well, because this is seemingly happening often enough that the parents have to cancel their time with the step-daughter, she decided to get it off her shoulders and post her dissatisfaction on social media. According to OP, the daughter wrote “my dad and step mom can’t even take care of the kids they have. Yet they keep having more. So much for a reliable loving parent.”
Because they work all day, and don’t get to sleep all that much, they try to catch up on it over the weekend, but that means no time for the husband’s teen
Image credits: u/National_Law_6665
Image credits: storebukkebruse (not the actual image )
It didn’t take long for the husband’s family to start asking questions. The in-laws got involved and started blaming them for practically abandoning the 13-year-old. They also stopped helping them with the younger kids altogether.
OP’s stance is that you can only blame the circumstances—it’s not like anyone asked for a colicky baby. And so the question was passed on to the AITA community, which was of a different opinion.
Many came out to say that OP was, sadly, in the wrong. While they did understand that the colicky baby was surely not anyone’s fault, OP’s solution to the problem was unfair to the step-daughter. This effectively meant that her father is disappearing from her life, and that is not good.
The AITA community ruled that the parents are, sadly, in the wrong here, and that something has to be done
Others added that this sort of prioritizing might end up leading to an attitude that the kid is not wanted, which will lead to other, bigger issues in her development. One user even flipped the situation around and asked what if it was her 2 or 4-year-old that was in the 13-year-old’s shoes?
Yet others suggested perhaps trying to tag-team more, trying to solve the problem by one parent sleeping and the other looking after the kids, and vice versa, so there’s at least some balance in the family.
The post got some modest attention with nearly 6,000 upvotes and 2,300 comments and a handful of awards. And speaking of which, you can read the post with all of the comments in context here.
But, before you do that, tell us your thoughts on this. What solutions would you suggest to make this all work? Share your ideas in the comment section below!
It’s funny when they post/pose their question thinking most redditors or commenters are going to be their flying monkeys. And it backfires!!
Right!? Gotta love it when delusional entitled a**hats post about their bad behavior expecting to get a pat on the back.
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Wow. It sure was a mistake for Dad to crank out three more kids if he didn't have time for the child who already existed. There is no excuse for kicking his eldest to the curb, just because he met another, meaner woman. Hope that the daughter gets infinite love from the side of the family that cares about her, and that karma eats these two jackasses alive.
They're a**holes, not monsters. A monster would be my father, who flatout refused to spend time with me unless I specifically sought it out (and even then, he'd cancel or flat out forget more often than not). I remember crying myself to sleep wondering what I did to make him hate me as old as 9. At 14, I realized he didn't hate me. I just simply didn't matter to him. Here, at least the AH parents know the daughter is taken care of, and in their sleep deprived states, know that they couldn't give her the attention and care she needs. Dont get me wrong, they ARE a**holes, but at least its the better option to having her over and neglecting her.
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Here is a point that seems to be missing. This 13 yr old in theory has two homes. You don’t get invited to come home, you just go home. The father and his new wife don’t view their house as her home or this wouldn’t even be an issue. They are the assholes. She is thirteen, how much engagement does she really need? This also probably means that none of her favorite things that occupy her in her mother’s HOME exist in their house. If it did, she would be doing whatever she does in her other space there while they slept and recovered because that is how life would be if she actually lived there.
It's vitally for a girl to have a relationship with her father, especially at this age. The 13YO is NOT TA but her father and stepmother are absolutely AHs.
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It would be nice to know what the outcome of this is or what the stepmother had to say after this. And why does BP have to tell the story themselves AND have the actual post on here....
Looks like the post is only 3 days old, but sometimes people update after awhile. r/BestOfRedditorUpdates is a good sub for finding them. I noticed in OPs comments that she said, "My husband tried to call my step daughter today. When she didn’t answer my husband tried to go and talk to her. He saw her through the window and she didn’t answer the door. He ended up calling her mom They have a really good co-parenting. My husbands ex said, their daughter asked to go back to the judge and have my husbands visitation taken away. My step daughter doesn’t want to go back to our house." Poor girl.
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It's not just cancelling "visits" - that is one of her two homes where her father, step mother, and siblings also live. Cancelling on her is telling a 13 year old child she can't come home and not allowing her the time to bond with and know her siblings. It's locking her out of the family and communicating quite clearly that she will never be a real part of it and that her father moved on from his parent-child relationship with his first daughter as well as from his romantic relationship with his first wife. If you take on the step parent role, you really need to be ok with actually taking on that role, you can't just plan to ship the kids off to boarding school the way the evil step parent does in the movies. Aside from being completely wrong from a parenting perspective, they're also being quite inconsiderate to the ex, who is having babysitting duties dumped on her regardless of what plans she might have and whether it's convenient for her to make last minute changes.
Stepmother clearly feels stepdaughter isn't part of the family. Those 3 kids she has with that man are SIBLINGS, not step-relatives. This woman is a selfish person.
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This sleepless period will get better. 3 young children is a lot to deal with. It is temporary. But so is the step daughters childhood. Make the time and apologize.
She said that her in-laws have stopped helping with the younger kids. Were they taking them overnight weekly, or just coming to the house to help out? If they were taking the younger ones, why couldn't they take the 13yr old? She's their granddaughter (although my parents would've taken her even if she was a step-granddaughter). If the in-laws are capable and willing, can they take the baby overnight once a week, if she's not breastfeeding? That would give the parents at least one night to catch up on sleep. Where is this mom's family? Can they afford either (or both) parent to take extended time off work so at least one isn't adding the exhaustion of a job to baby-exhaustion? Or go part-time until the colic passes, which is normally by 4mos? There are so many things they could try, but it sounds like they went straight to dumping the 13yr old. 13yr olds aren't that much work so keeping her away has really no benefit.
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Years ago I knew a guy who was a single dad to a really sweet teenage boy. Then he got remarried and the stepmother had a baby, and shortly after that she declared that she didn't want the son in the house now they had a new baby. The poor kid was essentially forced to move out and join the army. I was only a kid myself at the time and I remember thinking "Why would you do that?? It's so unfair!"
what a fucken idiot, of course the daughter is upset, just because his daughter is there does not mean the baby will stop crying so it's clear that the step mom does not want her there because it's clear that you will not be catching up on sleep anyway
Lack of sleep is no excuse. She's thirteen, so it's not like she'd be a lot of extra work. And, they still have to get up with their 2yo and 4yo, right? I doubt step mom ships her own kids out on the weekend. But, that's just it. She doesn't consider this girl her child. Dad should stick up for his daughter.
Agreed. The 13 year old would probably be able to help them a bit by playing with the little ones (if she wanted to of course).
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If the 13 years old daughter would be the couple's daughter would they put her out of the house because they're tired and need the extra time to sleep.? Poor stepdaughter. 😢😢
Why even get another baby? It's not the first one, that they can come up with: we had no idea it would be so hard. He has a kid already, who he sees way too little. I could understand it if he was not allowed to see her, that he wants a replacement, but if even 1 day is too much effort, my goodness.
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Honestly, this is the exact reason why I didn't want kids with my husband. I am his second wife, He already had two of his own and really I didn't want to make his feel pushed aside.
Totally agree. My husband was a single dad to a sweet little girl. We chose not to have kids together and that sweet little girl is now my daughter and she calls me mom too!
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My opinion might not be a popular one but here it is: the stepdaughter is being made to feel like a burden. I get the parents need sleep but maybe they can make time with the dad's daughter to work as well. Are the mom and dad. Sleeping 24/7 during the weekend? At least have the daughter over and have dinner with her or go for a walk with the colicky baby together. The point that they keep canceling for their own sake and not explaining it to the daughter is going to reflect poorly on her self esteem and self value. Don't treat her like a burden you don't have time or energy for. Treat her as a part of the family, as she is.
Hey Dad being a teenage girl with out of control hormones is difficult in the best of circumstances. Girls with absentee fathers are much more likely to look to other men for the love and attention they are not getting from their fathers. They are more likely to get pregnant, to get involved with drinking and drugs, to drop out of school and to live in poverty. Ignoring your 13 year daughter is inexcusable.
YTA. How does ignoring the 13-year-old stepdaughter even help OP catch up on sleep? I mean, how do OP and her husband plan to sleep during the day when they still have the three kids under four to care for? It just doesn't make sense as an excuse. Couldn't they still take turns taking a nap while the 13-year-old is over, if that's what they're doing? I think there's an adjustment period when you have a new baby where you can't do it all, but the thing these parents should cut out is not time with their daughter. They could, you know, eat more convenience food or skip Trivia Night, but they can't quit on a child.
Youngest is 4mo. They've had time to adjust.
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Wow. Notice the phrasing the stepmom uses, she has a "stepdaughter who spends every other weekend at *my* home". Not "our home" not "with us", not even "with her dad", it's "at my home". The lack of welcome here is shocking. Babies get colic, parents get tired, and they still have to be parents. Yes, it's not ideal being tired, but you're still being parents to your other three kids, why would it be okay for you to cancel on your stepkid? She still needs her father. Even when he's sleep deprived and holding a colicky baby, he's still her father too, and the 3 kids in "my husband and I have 3 kids" are her younger siblings, not her replacements. Yes, You are totally TA, as is your husband.
I don't understand...how is a THIRTEEN year old more work? Do you put the babies in cold storage on the weekends? I'm confused as to how the OLDEST AND MOST SELF SUFFICIENT is the problem? Do you not have kids 7 days a week? Your husband is a horrible father, abandoning his daughter for his latest piece of @$$. She did not ask to be born. You are horrible people.
What a holes. Also, how can they both be working, when the youngest is only 4 months old? That is just insane, and child neglect.
If this is USA, mom probably had 6-12 weeks mat leave at best, while dad had none. So 4 months is beyond mat leave.
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When she says working all day, is she saying minding the baby all day or she actually has a full time job? I'm sorry but that's what needs to give before ANY of the kids. Something doesn't add up here.
The thing that gets me is that she views them as 'visits'. They're not visits, they are 'her being home'. Think about it this way: if your teen child lives with you full time, would you kick them out so you have more time with your baby? I understand that having the step daughter at their home would take more energy, having a teen in the house always does, even if they can occupy themselves. But they SHOULD be there, this is her home too! You do not cancel those 'visits', you just explain to her that you guys can't go do anything fun because you're so tired, and you have to take naps a lot, so she will have to entertain herself more than usually. But you can still spend time together. When my mom was really busy for a period when I was a teen, we would still have fun cooking together, or chatting while folding laundry together.
That's the problem with even calling it "visitation". It's not a visit. That's the child's family too. Calling it a visit, even from a court/legal perspective makes it seem like it's optional, as if the child was divorced as well as her parent.
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I have 6 siblings but not only that I grew up in a split home like that. I would have done just what she did and posted on social media, PARENTS NO MATTER WHAT YOU HAVE TO MAKE TIME FOR ANY KIDS YOU HAVE, WHETHER THEY ARE WITH YOUR CURRENT FAMILY OR THE ONE YOU QUIT ON IT DOES NOT MATTER!!!! I have to kids now and I would never do that to my kids, one of them was colicky when he was a baby, even when I was tired I would never had made my husband quit on his kid.
What these parents need is help. If you have never had a colicky baby, then you have no idea the stress these parents are under along with being sleep deprived. My son would scream for 6 to 10 hours straight, sleep a couple hours and then start again. Going through this was THE HARDEST thing I have ever done. (And I had a supportive husband and parents.). Even today when I hear a child break into a colicky scream, I cringe. (Yes, they have an identifiable scream.) The father needs to explain to his daughter what is going on. That is where the parents might be the A. They haven't explained to the daughter what is happening. I guarantee if the older daughter came to visit, she would probably not want to hang at home with the screaming baby for very long. It is so incredibly stressful because you can do nothing to help the baby. Your heart breaks at their tears and pain and your inability to ease the pain. My heart goes out to these parents and the whole family.
I hear you, and I agree with you, but my heart goes out to the neglected daughter only.
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While others are quick to bash this parent let me offer some advice. Hire someone to help with your youngest children for a few hours so you (and your spouse) can catch up on your rest. You obviously need it. Do this a few days before the 13 yr old is due to visit. Then you both will be able to be present in her life. Maybe do something special with just her and leave the babies with a sitter. Apologize for the chaos, acknowledging that you failed but promise(and follow through) with doing better. DONT under any circumstances, make the 13 yr old your baby sitter. IF she ever agrees to be such, then make sure you compensate her well. It’s not too late to repair the situation. If money is an issue for a sitter, cancel cable or something. The 13 yr old should come first!
Normally these AITA posts annoy me to no end because the poster KNOWS they were not in the wrong, but oh BOY does this woman lack self awareness. She got called out by a literal child and ran to Reddit for validation. I'm glad she didn't get it. That poor girl is going to stop WANTING to spend time with her dad in a few years simply by aging out into being a teenager. That is going to happen MUCH sooner if she keeps getting pushed to the side like this. If it hasn't started already.
This is so sad, this child is hurt and probably feels like she's being left behind by her dad for his "new" family! Also it is literally impossible to "catch up on sleep" if you try to sleep longer tonight because you slept very little lastnight you just end up feeling worse from too much sleep.
It actually is possible to catch up on sleep if you missed some recently, but virtually impossible once lack of sleep is a constant thing. I don't remember the exact amount of sleep you need to catch up on an hour, but i do remember learning about this in psych. They still definitely shouldn't have treated her that way, though. Doesn't matter whether or not you need sleep, a teen/preteen will be fine while you take a small nap if you have things she likes doing there
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I agree, they definitely are not doing right by their oldest. Shorter parenting time temporarily, especially if discussed with daughter and maybe included really special time together, might have been acceptable prior to their horrible choice. Now...hopefully they can repair. The only thing I can say is 4 months post pardum, maybe both parents are having hormone issues and not thinking clearly.
How awful. Can you imagine being punished for something someone else did? Punished the teen because the 4 month old is colicky. I supposed in 4 years, you will take the keys from her because the 4 year old spilled ice cream in the backseat? YTA!!!
If you don't post everything on your life, if you don't ask any opinions on internet, you never going to be slammed..honestly why people have to post everything about their lives? They ended with a bunch of people giving their opinions, people that you don't know you,...why its so important that you have to be validate by others?
Weak a$$ parenting. People have to start realizing that being a parent is a full time job. You can get help at times, but you don't "cancel" being a parent. Completely the A in this case. Especially the father for not standing up for HIS daughter
They do not realize they would have a lot of help with the 2 and 4 year if the step daughter was there and they wouldn't even have to ask her to do anything, she would be gladly to do it on her own, not only do she want to spend time with her dad she also wants to play and spend time with her siblings, be a big sister, who doesn't love to play with kids, especially your brother and sisters.
I think it's wrong for the in-laws to turn tail. They could be a greasy help by continuing to help with the grandkids giving dad and mom a break so he can have is daughter. He'd better be careful before the law steps in questioning why his obligations to his oldest daughter are not fulfilled. His current family situation is no reason to abandon his daughter, yet many men do.
It's not at all wrong for them to make the decision to remove themselves from the situation. Immediate family, in-laws, friends, whomever, are not obligated to care for your kids. It's nice if they'd like to help but you should never expect help. When you choose to have a child (and I'm so sorry for so many American's that don't have much say in the matter any longer) you are deciding to love and care for it.
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Stepdaughter said it more bluntly (or dramatically) than most adults would, but that's as typical for age 13 as crying a lot is for age 4 months. From an adult perspective, the "yet they keep having more" thing is a bit of a cheap shot--if the first two happened to be easy babies, the stepmother might legitimately not have realized how much harder it was going to be--but again, the kid's 13; there's only so mature you can expect her to be about a genuinely hurtful situation. And nothing the stepmother is saying in her own defense is actually exculpatory: they really have let the 13-y-o drop entirely off their priority list in order to "catch up on sleep," and she isn't even claiming they tried any *other* solutions first.
The stepmom just acts like this is her nice little family. Husband, old kid neatly dumped with her mom, once every 2 weeks she comes, so that's not much fuzz. Lets get child nr 1. Oh the old kid complains she gets little attention. Shut up. You're old and not mine. Lets get nr. 2 and nr. 3. I'm divorced. I have 3 kids. Guy on a dating site was interested. He had 2 kids. So we go on a date. How often do you see your kids? Once a week on saturday half a day and then he brings em to soccer. I said: Whaaa? Is your ex such a monster? That's horrible! No he could see his kids more, but he thought it was better this way for the stability of the kids. Mkay bye. If he can't even give his own 10 year old daughter more attention than half a day a week I'm not gonna steal the dad from that poor kid.
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I thought I had it bad, going to visit my dad every other weekend only to have him ignore me to watch sports the whole time. At least he didn't tell me not to come at all because he wanted to sleep instead.
I feel like ESH in this situation. Ultimately I think more info is required. Does the 13 year old expect to go on a trip each visit? Does she complain about the noise? Have the dad and step mom been integrating the 13 year old up to now? This step mom sounds exhausted but def an A**hole move to ‘cancel’ the visits. However, the comments seem WAAAY over the top. Not all babies are the same. Some are really easy and some are colicky for a period which means they’re uncomfortable and babies only have limited ways to express their emotions. The 13 year could have expressed herself better. It’s pretty bold to announce to the world that her father and step parent ‘can’t take care of the kids they have…’. Perhaps letting her spend some quality time with the baby so she can see first hand that care is not always pleasant, sometimes it’s just riding the storm. In-Laws are a**holes for not trying to understand the situation better and likely making the situation worse.
Some people just weren't meant to breed but do so anyway at an alarming rate. They know from the get go that they shouldn't but ignore their inner voice and squeeze out one crotch goblin after another. What pisses me off about the folks from this story is that dude has a child from another marriage and is at 100% agreement with the new wife on canceling out her visits because they're just too tired to cope with her presence in their home. Looks to me like if they can't cope with her the other 3 kids probably spend allot of time fending for themselves and don't really stand a chance at a normal childhood. I truly feel for their 3 kids and his daughter.
I have very low expectations of step parents. Don't get in the way of the relationship, don't resent the child, and be a half decent role model even if you don't be a parent. Prioritizing the young children that you see daily over a teenager you see a couple of days per month is not actually bad. However, encouraging the dad to do the same is. He absolutely does owe the child something, and needs to suck it up and find a way to spend time with his daughter regardless.
Talk to pediatrician about medicine for colic. Mine gave me some for my baby and it made a difference. I believe there also is over the counter meds.
13 is not a little girl. The step daughter, instead of complaining, could help her exhausted stepmother. She could see this as a learning experience: be very careful with your contraception. Or don't have kids. At 7, I was already a big help in the household. I looked after baby sister and took her to school...all we older kids were like this. It wasn't onerous. We didn't mind, it gave us status. Now a girl 6 years older can't find it in herself to help, or sacrifice. No, it's "I'm a child, I'm entitled, I don't have to think of anyone but myself"...I see this all over the TV ..the appalling Charlie in Dead To Me for example, just awful, unhelpful, selfish, demanding kids who seem to think parents aren't people. And as for taking your complaints to public media, unbelievable. The insults she handed out! Just basic respect, where is it? Help your stepmum, you little wretch.
Did you help your mother or your stepmother? It's a big difference to help your own mom or a sweet stepmom, who includes you and doesn't steal your dad from you. This stepmom is selfish. A friend of mine married a divorced guy with a kid. He could only see her once every two weeks a weekend and he hated that. She said this was the sweetest kid she had ever seen and later they got 3 more kids, but they always included her. This one just only thinks about herself and her cosy family. Imagine dad said: I'm going out with my daughter and other kids with my parents and oh oh I'm now so tired. I really can't handle you whining. Go to your mom for the weekend please. Cause that's what they're doing now. Btw it doesn't even say that she doesn't want to help with the kids and the way they dump and exclude her, I can't blame her if she doesn't. My friend and her husband said they always had problems with his ex, when they wanted to go on a holiday or have her a day extra. Never about hey we have her so little, take her for the month.
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Isn't anybody concern about the attitude the stepdaughter has towards her stepmom? I also have three kids, and I've been neglected by my dad because of my step siblings for far more than she is complaining about, but the lack of empathy she shows towards her stepmom is concerning, suddenly a teenager has no better plan to do instead of being with dad? And what about all the attention she is gaining because of her comments? Who is teaching her that getting attention on social media while trashing her family is ok? I wonder if she is even involved with her step siblings or is she just there to be served? How on earth are you a good, loving, fun, present parent while on sleep deprivation? A few weeks would've definitely help them gain some strength to be back to normal. Don't we all make sacrifices for our family? Couldn't this be an opportunity for her to learn to put someone else's needs on top of hers for a bit of time? As a loving sacrifice not a routine expectation of course...
Exactly. The stepdaughter has other ways of seeing her father. And one of them is helping out with the family, quality time happens when one helps out. The fact that she is 13 and is this entitled is pretty annoying. I too was neglected by my father, not by him have anymore kids but rather material objects. Yes, I resented him for a while, and it made me numb to a point of just not caring anymore. Also, the part where is says that the stepdaughter talked to her mom about wanting to go to a judge and revoking the dad's visitation rights, if this is in the US, she has no right to do so. No judge is going to grant her that when she's barely a teenager who is acting like a child. I didn't get the right to say no to visiting my dad until I was 15. The girl has an opportunity to get to know her step family and father better if she actually puts in the the effort to help instead of complain.
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It's sad that every comment that doesn't condemn these parents is downvoted. This situation is TEMPORARY. The colicky baby will grow out of it and the parents will get to rest again. Disparaging comments online are PERMANENT, and out there for the world to see. And I guarantee that teen is just repeating what her mom said about it and would never have said that without hearing it somewhere first. ESH, but the real aholes are some of the commenters here.
The damage that the father is allowing to be done to the teenager is forever as well. And if this woman didn't want comments from strangers, should have kept her dirty laundry inside her house and not put it out on the Internet for the entire world to see.
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Maybe that's gonna be unpopular opinion, but I can't blame the mother with a 4 month baby, and 2 kids younger then 5, that she is exhausted, and needs sleep. Sleep deprivation takes your thinking away. However I do blame the father for not stepping up, and I do blame the mother of that girl, that she didn't bring this issue to their attention. No wonder that woman stopped updating on reddit, it looks like too much hate and judgment were thrown her way
She made her choice to have 3 kids in that time span, the step mom's choice shouldn't take away her time with her dad.
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Agree with all the Reddit peeps. She's a daughter too. MAKE the time!
I have SO many questions! Why is SHE taking responsibility/involved with HIS parenting time. Why isn't HE cancelling, if that's what is going to happen for the weekend? If she wants to sleep on the weekends, what's that got to do with her stepdaughter? For that matter, HOW are they catching up on sleep if the problem is the BABY?
She says "the baby" she means the 4 month old, but she also has a 2 yo, which is also a baby. Does OP not even realize that? Hopefully that is an accident because you should never have babies that close together on purpose for many reasons. (That is why naturally women don't have babies that close together normally, or when they did typically they would somehow abort or get rid of it).
Get help with the baby. That is where the issue is. This has been handled so badly now you will be doing damage control for a while. Such a shame because there are so many ways this could have brought the family together instead. Not high hopes for these folks as parents. Best to learn from this and not repeat the fiasco again. Ever.
I do agree she's TA. I just don't get why OP doesn't sleep while the dad spends time with his daughter every other weekend and then when he gets back from spending time with his daughter OP can take care of the other kids so he can catch up on sleep. Sometimes that's how it has to be taking turns with the kids so each of you can take a turn resting. Also it is weird OP said she was the one canceling the time not the father. It's also weird that the first thing they jumped to was canceling visits instead of alternating resting. That was the first solution I came up with and I came up with it in like 10 seconds
If they in shifts maybe they'll have no more kids.
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Everything in stepmom's post was "I" did this and "I" decided that. Not really any "we" decided. It's telling. I absolutely believe this is stepmom wanting to separate her husband's oldest from what she considers the "real" family. I hope the ex takes him to court and gets more money for child support, and I definitely hope they stop having children because they're clearly in over their heads.
I don't get, if you work all day why you would have so many kids 😕 Like others have suggested, you and your husband should be taking turns to catch up on sleep. The weekend his daughter is due you catch up while he's spends time with his daughter on the weekends he doesn't have her he catches up and then tag team between. You can't abandon her and he shouldn't abandon his duty as a father to her. You're both the A's here. I've had worse with some of my kids where one of mine suffered ADHD and would be up all night wrecking things, another of mine had health problems which I would be in and out of their room all night with an asthma pump. There's no excuse. You need to make this right before your husband losses his daughter completely, because he'll resent you for being the one to decide to cut her off!
In the fourth panel, the op mentions "I canceled the weekend" which screams a lot. It was NOT "we" canceled, I'd bet she pops a child to keep him attached to her. The first wife (assuming he was married before) didn't keep getting pregnant every 15 monthes to hook him to be there. Birth control was practiced better or the woman had more brains than this one. Whatever, she controls the household and more the man, this could be a whole different story had she used the 13 y.o. as an indentured slave to get caught up on sleep as she 'apparently' did with the in-laws (mentioned in panel 8) who now stopped helping them ALTOGETHER. Go figure? That fact also screams what an unpleasant person she is. The grandparents seem to care about the older granddaughter and support her feelings somewhat. Not enough details there to be saying more.
I had a super colicky baby. It sucks. If you never experience it yourself first hand then I am so happy for you. That doesn't give you the excuse to ignore your kid. Here's a thought, ask the ex if you can get 13 a day early. If that would be OK, ask 13 if she is willing to sit for you guys that night, with pay, so you can be refreshed and ready to dedicate your attention to her the next day
She did ask, presumably because she wanted to know if she was wrong. It’s not necessary to abuse her. I thought we were against abuse?
No, she asked in the hope that everybody would pile on her penny party and tell her how it is OK to be abusive and neglectful of the child that she did not squirt out.
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Why does this wicked stepmother pop out a kid every two years? I think she does it for this very reason...to separate the 13 yr old from her father. In other words, to hold on to her husband.
ETA here. The daughter shouldn't be talking about her family so publicly like that. The step-mom is in over her head and does need more support. I get the sleep deprivation and it is torture. At the same time, she did end up having more kids than she could handle. The dad, well, that's his bio daughter and he should be making time for her. This situation isn't forever. Things will get better as long as the parents put a cap on the kids now.
The daughter may be older but she's just a kid who is feeling abandoned by her Dad.
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When you married a man with a daughter from a previous marriage, you are aware that visitations are court ordered, which means neither you nor your husband gets to "cancel" visits just because you're both sleep-deprived. But because you both did, the daughter got the short end, and she's lashing out on social media, and her relatives were right to take her side. You also gotta know that it's NOT a good look on dad when visitations are canceled, which is in violation of the agreement, and mom, the custodial parent, can go to the judge and have the arrangement amended, and NOT IN HIS FAVOR!! Rather than BOTH of you trying to catch up on sleep, take turns instead! That way, he won't need to cancel on his daughter, the daughter gets time with dad, and all parties are satisfied!
In 10 years they're going to wonder why the oldest didn't ever come visit or call, much like my ex does now. Bed of your own making, dude.
What's wrong with your husband allowing you to stop seeing his older daughter ❓
Welcome to adulthood; y'all've had 3 kids in 5 years. Ever heard of birth control? Ignoring your husband's adolescent daughter is a huge mistake.
What if the husband uses condoms, but pokes holes in them to purposely get OP pregnant? There is a lot of info missing on all sides. This seems like and ESH situation instead of TA or NTA.
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Yes. They already knew they had the stepdaughter when they decided to have 3 more kids in quick succession. They just relegated her to the “2nd hand” pile to concentrate on the new versions. It isn’t going to get any better for the stepdaughter either. As those kids grow up she will be left out and it will affect her future wellbeing.
Maybe they don't believe in contraception. Your body needs time to heal before you make it go through pregnancy & childbirth again. Even if it was her bad decision to have all those kids back to back, her body is probably broken. She should be allowed to sleep. Let the father take care of his 13 year old by himself.
The baby has COLLIC this isn't about a mom that has too many kids. If the baby didn't have COLLIC there wouldn't be an issue. The lack of reading comprehension is sad
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How old are all the people that are commenting? I've raised four kids. Sometimes when babies show up, it's not planned. Stop piling on the already overwhelmed mom. Yes, she shouldn't have canceled on her step daughter. Yes, the dad should have made sure his daughter was included. No, the step daughter shouldn't have publicly shamed them. Maybe if the members of the family actually tried talking to each other, it would be solved by now. Damn. Try to be kind y'all. Especially if you've never had small children, a full time job and step kids. It ain't easy.
Babies are only "unplanned" if you allow for it. Engaging in reproductive-style sex without using contraception is known to result in children. It's not a surprise.
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This isn’t the little kids fault, so they aren’t brats. The step daughter isn’t more important than the other kids and isn’t less.
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So that means it's ok to cast out a 13 yo from their lives because they chose to have another kid?
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How does the 13 yo feel "entitled to me-time every weekend"? Because she's a KID who actually IS entitled to her parent's time. Yes, every weekend. You cannot expect a 13 year old to handle this in a "mature way", because she's still a friggin kid! The stepmother seems overwhelmed and exhausted, sure, but also pretty short-sighted and selfish. The father seems like he's only good for fertilizing ova, and not much else.
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It’s funny when they post/pose their question thinking most redditors or commenters are going to be their flying monkeys. And it backfires!!
Right!? Gotta love it when delusional entitled a**hats post about their bad behavior expecting to get a pat on the back.
Load More Replies... Wow. It sure was a mistake for Dad to crank out three more kids if he didn't have time for the child who already existed. There is no excuse for kicking his eldest to the curb, just because he met another, meaner woman. Hope that the daughter gets infinite love from the side of the family that cares about her, and that karma eats these two jackasses alive.
They're a**holes, not monsters. A monster would be my father, who flatout refused to spend time with me unless I specifically sought it out (and even then, he'd cancel or flat out forget more often than not). I remember crying myself to sleep wondering what I did to make him hate me as old as 9. At 14, I realized he didn't hate me. I just simply didn't matter to him. Here, at least the AH parents know the daughter is taken care of, and in their sleep deprived states, know that they couldn't give her the attention and care she needs. Dont get me wrong, they ARE a**holes, but at least its the better option to having her over and neglecting her.
Load More Replies... Here is a point that seems to be missing. This 13 yr old in theory has two homes. You don’t get invited to come home, you just go home. The father and his new wife don’t view their house as her home or this wouldn’t even be an issue. They are the assholes. She is thirteen, how much engagement does she really need? This also probably means that none of her favorite things that occupy her in her mother’s HOME exist in their house. If it did, she would be doing whatever she does in her other space there while they slept and recovered because that is how life would be if she actually lived there.
It's vitally for a girl to have a relationship with her father, especially at this age. The 13YO is NOT TA but her father and stepmother are absolutely AHs.
Load More Replies... It would be nice to know what the outcome of this is or what the stepmother had to say after this. And why does BP have to tell the story themselves AND have the actual post on here....
Looks like the post is only 3 days old, but sometimes people update after awhile. r/BestOfRedditorUpdates is a good sub for finding them. I noticed in OPs comments that she said, "My husband tried to call my step daughter today. When she didn’t answer my husband tried to go and talk to her. He saw her through the window and she didn’t answer the door. He ended up calling her mom They have a really good co-parenting. My husbands ex said, their daughter asked to go back to the judge and have my husbands visitation taken away. My step daughter doesn’t want to go back to our house." Poor girl.
Load More Replies... It's not just cancelling "visits" - that is one of her two homes where her father, step mother, and siblings also live. Cancelling on her is telling a 13 year old child she can't come home and not allowing her the time to bond with and know her siblings. It's locking her out of the family and communicating quite clearly that she will never be a real part of it and that her father moved on from his parent-child relationship with his first daughter as well as from his romantic relationship with his first wife. If you take on the step parent role, you really need to be ok with actually taking on that role, you can't just plan to ship the kids off to boarding school the way the evil step parent does in the movies. Aside from being completely wrong from a parenting perspective, they're also being quite inconsiderate to the ex, who is having babysitting duties dumped on her regardless of what plans she might have and whether it's convenient for her to make last minute changes.
Stepmother clearly feels stepdaughter isn't part of the family. Those 3 kids she has with that man are SIBLINGS, not step-relatives. This woman is a selfish person.
Load More Replies... This sleepless period will get better. 3 young children is a lot to deal with. It is temporary. But so is the step daughters childhood. Make the time and apologize.
She said that her in-laws have stopped helping with the younger kids. Were they taking them overnight weekly, or just coming to the house to help out? If they were taking the younger ones, why couldn't they take the 13yr old? She's their granddaughter (although my parents would've taken her even if she was a step-granddaughter). If the in-laws are capable and willing, can they take the baby overnight once a week, if she's not breastfeeding? That would give the parents at least one night to catch up on sleep. Where is this mom's family? Can they afford either (or both) parent to take extended time off work so at least one isn't adding the exhaustion of a job to baby-exhaustion? Or go part-time until the colic passes, which is normally by 4mos? There are so many things they could try, but it sounds like they went straight to dumping the 13yr old. 13yr olds aren't that much work so keeping her away has really no benefit.
Load More Replies... Years ago I knew a guy who was a single dad to a really sweet teenage boy. Then he got remarried and the stepmother had a baby, and shortly after that she declared that she didn't want the son in the house now they had a new baby. The poor kid was essentially forced to move out and join the army. I was only a kid myself at the time and I remember thinking "Why would you do that?? It's so unfair!"
what a fucken idiot, of course the daughter is upset, just because his daughter is there does not mean the baby will stop crying so it's clear that the step mom does not want her there because it's clear that you will not be catching up on sleep anyway
Lack of sleep is no excuse. She's thirteen, so it's not like she'd be a lot of extra work. And, they still have to get up with their 2yo and 4yo, right? I doubt step mom ships her own kids out on the weekend. But, that's just it. She doesn't consider this girl her child. Dad should stick up for his daughter.
Agreed. The 13 year old would probably be able to help them a bit by playing with the little ones (if she wanted to of course).
Load More Replies... If the 13 years old daughter would be the couple's daughter would they put her out of the house because they're tired and need the extra time to sleep.? Poor stepdaughter. 😢😢
Why even get another baby? It's not the first one, that they can come up with: we had no idea it would be so hard. He has a kid already, who he sees way too little. I could understand it if he was not allowed to see her, that he wants a replacement, but if even 1 day is too much effort, my goodness.
Load More Replies... Honestly, this is the exact reason why I didn't want kids with my husband. I am his second wife, He already had two of his own and really I didn't want to make his feel pushed aside.
Totally agree. My husband was a single dad to a sweet little girl. We chose not to have kids together and that sweet little girl is now my daughter and she calls me mom too!
Load More Replies... My opinion might not be a popular one but here it is: the stepdaughter is being made to feel like a burden. I get the parents need sleep but maybe they can make time with the dad's daughter to work as well. Are the mom and dad. Sleeping 24/7 during the weekend? At least have the daughter over and have dinner with her or go for a walk with the colicky baby together. The point that they keep canceling for their own sake and not explaining it to the daughter is going to reflect poorly on her self esteem and self value. Don't treat her like a burden you don't have time or energy for. Treat her as a part of the family, as she is.
Hey Dad being a teenage girl with out of control hormones is difficult in the best of circumstances. Girls with absentee fathers are much more likely to look to other men for the love and attention they are not getting from their fathers. They are more likely to get pregnant, to get involved with drinking and drugs, to drop out of school and to live in poverty. Ignoring your 13 year daughter is inexcusable.
YTA. How does ignoring the 13-year-old stepdaughter even help OP catch up on sleep? I mean, how do OP and her husband plan to sleep during the day when they still have the three kids under four to care for? It just doesn't make sense as an excuse. Couldn't they still take turns taking a nap while the 13-year-old is over, if that's what they're doing? I think there's an adjustment period when you have a new baby where you can't do it all, but the thing these parents should cut out is not time with their daughter. They could, you know, eat more convenience food or skip Trivia Night, but they can't quit on a child.
Youngest is 4mo. They've had time to adjust.
Load More Replies... Wow. Notice the phrasing the stepmom uses, she has a "stepdaughter who spends every other weekend at *my* home". Not "our home" not "with us", not even "with her dad", it's "at my home". The lack of welcome here is shocking. Babies get colic, parents get tired, and they still have to be parents. Yes, it's not ideal being tired, but you're still being parents to your other three kids, why would it be okay for you to cancel on your stepkid? She still needs her father. Even when he's sleep deprived and holding a colicky baby, he's still her father too, and the 3 kids in "my husband and I have 3 kids" are her younger siblings, not her replacements. Yes, You are totally TA, as is your husband.
I don't understand...how is a THIRTEEN year old more work? Do you put the babies in cold storage on the weekends? I'm confused as to how the OLDEST AND MOST SELF SUFFICIENT is the problem? Do you not have kids 7 days a week? Your husband is a horrible father, abandoning his daughter for his latest piece of @$$. She did not ask to be born. You are horrible people.
What a holes. Also, how can they both be working, when the youngest is only 4 months old? That is just insane, and child neglect.
If this is USA, mom probably had 6-12 weeks mat leave at best, while dad had none. So 4 months is beyond mat leave.
Load More Replies... When she says working all day, is she saying minding the baby all day or she actually has a full time job? I'm sorry but that's what needs to give before ANY of the kids. Something doesn't add up here.
The thing that gets me is that she views them as 'visits'. They're not visits, they are 'her being home'. Think about it this way: if your teen child lives with you full time, would you kick them out so you have more time with your baby? I understand that having the step daughter at their home would take more energy, having a teen in the house always does, even if they can occupy themselves. But they SHOULD be there, this is her home too! You do not cancel those 'visits', you just explain to her that you guys can't go do anything fun because you're so tired, and you have to take naps a lot, so she will have to entertain herself more than usually. But you can still spend time together. When my mom was really busy for a period when I was a teen, we would still have fun cooking together, or chatting while folding laundry together.
That's the problem with even calling it "visitation". It's not a visit. That's the child's family too. Calling it a visit, even from a court/legal perspective makes it seem like it's optional, as if the child was divorced as well as her parent.
Load More Replies... I have 6 siblings but not only that I grew up in a split home like that. I would have done just what she did and posted on social media, PARENTS NO MATTER WHAT YOU HAVE TO MAKE TIME FOR ANY KIDS YOU HAVE, WHETHER THEY ARE WITH YOUR CURRENT FAMILY OR THE ONE YOU QUIT ON IT DOES NOT MATTER!!!! I have to kids now and I would never do that to my kids, one of them was colicky when he was a baby, even when I was tired I would never had made my husband quit on his kid.
What these parents need is help. If you have never had a colicky baby, then you have no idea the stress these parents are under along with being sleep deprived. My son would scream for 6 to 10 hours straight, sleep a couple hours and then start again. Going through this was THE HARDEST thing I have ever done. (And I had a supportive husband and parents.). Even today when I hear a child break into a colicky scream, I cringe. (Yes, they have an identifiable scream.) The father needs to explain to his daughter what is going on. That is where the parents might be the A. They haven't explained to the daughter what is happening. I guarantee if the older daughter came to visit, she would probably not want to hang at home with the screaming baby for very long. It is so incredibly stressful because you can do nothing to help the baby. Your heart breaks at their tears and pain and your inability to ease the pain. My heart goes out to these parents and the whole family.
I hear you, and I agree with you, but my heart goes out to the neglected daughter only.
Load More Replies... While others are quick to bash this parent let me offer some advice. Hire someone to help with your youngest children for a few hours so you (and your spouse) can catch up on your rest. You obviously need it. Do this a few days before the 13 yr old is due to visit. Then you both will be able to be present in her life. Maybe do something special with just her and leave the babies with a sitter. Apologize for the chaos, acknowledging that you failed but promise(and follow through) with doing better. DONT under any circumstances, make the 13 yr old your baby sitter. IF she ever agrees to be such, then make sure you compensate her well. It’s not too late to repair the situation. If money is an issue for a sitter, cancel cable or something. The 13 yr old should come first!
Normally these AITA posts annoy me to no end because the poster KNOWS they were not in the wrong, but oh BOY does this woman lack self awareness. She got called out by a literal child and ran to Reddit for validation. I'm glad she didn't get it. That poor girl is going to stop WANTING to spend time with her dad in a few years simply by aging out into being a teenager. That is going to happen MUCH sooner if she keeps getting pushed to the side like this. If it hasn't started already.
This is so sad, this child is hurt and probably feels like she's being left behind by her dad for his "new" family! Also it is literally impossible to "catch up on sleep" if you try to sleep longer tonight because you slept very little lastnight you just end up feeling worse from too much sleep.
It actually is possible to catch up on sleep if you missed some recently, but virtually impossible once lack of sleep is a constant thing. I don't remember the exact amount of sleep you need to catch up on an hour, but i do remember learning about this in psych. They still definitely shouldn't have treated her that way, though. Doesn't matter whether or not you need sleep, a teen/preteen will be fine while you take a small nap if you have things she likes doing there
Load More Replies... I agree, they definitely are not doing right by their oldest. Shorter parenting time temporarily, especially if discussed with daughter and maybe included really special time together, might have been acceptable prior to their horrible choice. Now...hopefully they can repair. The only thing I can say is 4 months post pardum, maybe both parents are having hormone issues and not thinking clearly.
How awful. Can you imagine being punished for something someone else did? Punished the teen because the 4 month old is colicky. I supposed in 4 years, you will take the keys from her because the 4 year old spilled ice cream in the backseat? YTA!!!
If you don't post everything on your life, if you don't ask any opinions on internet, you never going to be slammed..honestly why people have to post everything about their lives? They ended with a bunch of people giving their opinions, people that you don't know you,...why its so important that you have to be validate by others?
Weak a$$ parenting. People have to start realizing that being a parent is a full time job. You can get help at times, but you don't "cancel" being a parent. Completely the A in this case. Especially the father for not standing up for HIS daughter
They do not realize they would have a lot of help with the 2 and 4 year if the step daughter was there and they wouldn't even have to ask her to do anything, she would be gladly to do it on her own, not only do she want to spend time with her dad she also wants to play and spend time with her siblings, be a big sister, who doesn't love to play with kids, especially your brother and sisters.
I think it's wrong for the in-laws to turn tail. They could be a greasy help by continuing to help with the grandkids giving dad and mom a break so he can have is daughter. He'd better be careful before the law steps in questioning why his obligations to his oldest daughter are not fulfilled. His current family situation is no reason to abandon his daughter, yet many men do.
It's not at all wrong for them to make the decision to remove themselves from the situation. Immediate family, in-laws, friends, whomever, are not obligated to care for your kids. It's nice if they'd like to help but you should never expect help. When you choose to have a child (and I'm so sorry for so many American's that don't have much say in the matter any longer) you are deciding to love and care for it.
Load More Replies... Stepdaughter said it more bluntly (or dramatically) than most adults would, but that's as typical for age 13 as crying a lot is for age 4 months. From an adult perspective, the "yet they keep having more" thing is a bit of a cheap shot--if the first two happened to be easy babies, the stepmother might legitimately not have realized how much harder it was going to be--but again, the kid's 13; there's only so mature you can expect her to be about a genuinely hurtful situation. And nothing the stepmother is saying in her own defense is actually exculpatory: they really have let the 13-y-o drop entirely off their priority list in order to "catch up on sleep," and she isn't even claiming they tried any *other* solutions first.
The stepmom just acts like this is her nice little family. Husband, old kid neatly dumped with her mom, once every 2 weeks she comes, so that's not much fuzz. Lets get child nr 1. Oh the old kid complains she gets little attention. Shut up. You're old and not mine. Lets get nr. 2 and nr. 3. I'm divorced. I have 3 kids. Guy on a dating site was interested. He had 2 kids. So we go on a date. How often do you see your kids? Once a week on saturday half a day and then he brings em to soccer. I said: Whaaa? Is your ex such a monster? That's horrible! No he could see his kids more, but he thought it was better this way for the stability of the kids. Mkay bye. If he can't even give his own 10 year old daughter more attention than half a day a week I'm not gonna steal the dad from that poor kid.
Load More Replies... I thought I had it bad, going to visit my dad every other weekend only to have him ignore me to watch sports the whole time. At least he didn't tell me not to come at all because he wanted to sleep instead.
I feel like ESH in this situation. Ultimately I think more info is required. Does the 13 year old expect to go on a trip each visit? Does she complain about the noise? Have the dad and step mom been integrating the 13 year old up to now? This step mom sounds exhausted but def an A**hole move to ‘cancel’ the visits. However, the comments seem WAAAY over the top. Not all babies are the same. Some are really easy and some are colicky for a period which means they’re uncomfortable and babies only have limited ways to express their emotions. The 13 year could have expressed herself better. It’s pretty bold to announce to the world that her father and step parent ‘can’t take care of the kids they have…’. Perhaps letting her spend some quality time with the baby so she can see first hand that care is not always pleasant, sometimes it’s just riding the storm. In-Laws are a**holes for not trying to understand the situation better and likely making the situation worse.
Some people just weren't meant to breed but do so anyway at an alarming rate. They know from the get go that they shouldn't but ignore their inner voice and squeeze out one crotch goblin after another. What pisses me off about the folks from this story is that dude has a child from another marriage and is at 100% agreement with the new wife on canceling out her visits because they're just too tired to cope with her presence in their home. Looks to me like if they can't cope with her the other 3 kids probably spend allot of time fending for themselves and don't really stand a chance at a normal childhood. I truly feel for their 3 kids and his daughter.
I have very low expectations of step parents. Don't get in the way of the relationship, don't resent the child, and be a half decent role model even if you don't be a parent. Prioritizing the young children that you see daily over a teenager you see a couple of days per month is not actually bad. However, encouraging the dad to do the same is. He absolutely does owe the child something, and needs to suck it up and find a way to spend time with his daughter regardless.
Talk to pediatrician about medicine for colic. Mine gave me some for my baby and it made a difference. I believe there also is over the counter meds.
13 is not a little girl. The step daughter, instead of complaining, could help her exhausted stepmother. She could see this as a learning experience: be very careful with your contraception. Or don't have kids. At 7, I was already a big help in the household. I looked after baby sister and took her to school...all we older kids were like this. It wasn't onerous. We didn't mind, it gave us status. Now a girl 6 years older can't find it in herself to help, or sacrifice. No, it's "I'm a child, I'm entitled, I don't have to think of anyone but myself"...I see this all over the TV ..the appalling Charlie in Dead To Me for example, just awful, unhelpful, selfish, demanding kids who seem to think parents aren't people. And as for taking your complaints to public media, unbelievable. The insults she handed out! Just basic respect, where is it? Help your stepmum, you little wretch.
Did you help your mother or your stepmother? It's a big difference to help your own mom or a sweet stepmom, who includes you and doesn't steal your dad from you. This stepmom is selfish. A friend of mine married a divorced guy with a kid. He could only see her once every two weeks a weekend and he hated that. She said this was the sweetest kid she had ever seen and later they got 3 more kids, but they always included her. This one just only thinks about herself and her cosy family. Imagine dad said: I'm going out with my daughter and other kids with my parents and oh oh I'm now so tired. I really can't handle you whining. Go to your mom for the weekend please. Cause that's what they're doing now. Btw it doesn't even say that she doesn't want to help with the kids and the way they dump and exclude her, I can't blame her if she doesn't. My friend and her husband said they always had problems with his ex, when they wanted to go on a holiday or have her a day extra. Never about hey we have her so little, take her for the month.
Load More Replies... Isn't anybody concern about the attitude the stepdaughter has towards her stepmom? I also have three kids, and I've been neglected by my dad because of my step siblings for far more than she is complaining about, but the lack of empathy she shows towards her stepmom is concerning, suddenly a teenager has no better plan to do instead of being with dad? And what about all the attention she is gaining because of her comments? Who is teaching her that getting attention on social media while trashing her family is ok? I wonder if she is even involved with her step siblings or is she just there to be served? How on earth are you a good, loving, fun, present parent while on sleep deprivation? A few weeks would've definitely help them gain some strength to be back to normal. Don't we all make sacrifices for our family? Couldn't this be an opportunity for her to learn to put someone else's needs on top of hers for a bit of time? As a loving sacrifice not a routine expectation of course...
Exactly. The stepdaughter has other ways of seeing her father. And one of them is helping out with the family, quality time happens when one helps out. The fact that she is 13 and is this entitled is pretty annoying. I too was neglected by my father, not by him have anymore kids but rather material objects. Yes, I resented him for a while, and it made me numb to a point of just not caring anymore. Also, the part where is says that the stepdaughter talked to her mom about wanting to go to a judge and revoking the dad's visitation rights, if this is in the US, she has no right to do so. No judge is going to grant her that when she's barely a teenager who is acting like a child. I didn't get the right to say no to visiting my dad until I was 15. The girl has an opportunity to get to know her step family and father better if she actually puts in the the effort to help instead of complain.
Load More Replies... It's sad that every comment that doesn't condemn these parents is downvoted. This situation is TEMPORARY. The colicky baby will grow out of it and the parents will get to rest again. Disparaging comments online are PERMANENT, and out there for the world to see. And I guarantee that teen is just repeating what her mom said about it and would never have said that without hearing it somewhere first. ESH, but the real aholes are some of the commenters here.
The damage that the father is allowing to be done to the teenager is forever as well. And if this woman didn't want comments from strangers, should have kept her dirty laundry inside her house and not put it out on the Internet for the entire world to see.
Load More Replies... Maybe that's gonna be unpopular opinion, but I can't blame the mother with a 4 month baby, and 2 kids younger then 5, that she is exhausted, and needs sleep. Sleep deprivation takes your thinking away. However I do blame the father for not stepping up, and I do blame the mother of that girl, that she didn't bring this issue to their attention. No wonder that woman stopped updating on reddit, it looks like too much hate and judgment were thrown her way
She made her choice to have 3 kids in that time span, the step mom's choice shouldn't take away her time with her dad.
Load More Replies... Agree with all the Reddit peeps. She's a daughter too. MAKE the time!
I have SO many questions! Why is SHE taking responsibility/involved with HIS parenting time. Why isn't HE cancelling, if that's what is going to happen for the weekend? If she wants to sleep on the weekends, what's that got to do with her stepdaughter? For that matter, HOW are they catching up on sleep if the problem is the BABY?
She says "the baby" she means the 4 month old, but she also has a 2 yo, which is also a baby. Does OP not even realize that? Hopefully that is an accident because you should never have babies that close together on purpose for many reasons. (That is why naturally women don't have babies that close together normally, or when they did typically they would somehow abort or get rid of it).
Get help with the baby. That is where the issue is. This has been handled so badly now you will be doing damage control for a while. Such a shame because there are so many ways this could have brought the family together instead. Not high hopes for these folks as parents. Best to learn from this and not repeat the fiasco again. Ever.
I do agree she's TA. I just don't get why OP doesn't sleep while the dad spends time with his daughter every other weekend and then when he gets back from spending time with his daughter OP can take care of the other kids so he can catch up on sleep. Sometimes that's how it has to be taking turns with the kids so each of you can take a turn resting. Also it is weird OP said she was the one canceling the time not the father. It's also weird that the first thing they jumped to was canceling visits instead of alternating resting. That was the first solution I came up with and I came up with it in like 10 seconds
If they in shifts maybe they'll have no more kids.
Load More Replies... Everything in stepmom's post was "I" did this and "I" decided that. Not really any "we" decided. It's telling. I absolutely believe this is stepmom wanting to separate her husband's oldest from what she considers the "real" family. I hope the ex takes him to court and gets more money for child support, and I definitely hope they stop having children because they're clearly in over their heads.
I don't get, if you work all day why you would have so many kids 😕 Like others have suggested, you and your husband should be taking turns to catch up on sleep. The weekend his daughter is due you catch up while he's spends time with his daughter on the weekends he doesn't have her he catches up and then tag team between. You can't abandon her and he shouldn't abandon his duty as a father to her. You're both the A's here. I've had worse with some of my kids where one of mine suffered ADHD and would be up all night wrecking things, another of mine had health problems which I would be in and out of their room all night with an asthma pump. There's no excuse. You need to make this right before your husband losses his daughter completely, because he'll resent you for being the one to decide to cut her off!
In the fourth panel, the op mentions "I canceled the weekend" which screams a lot. It was NOT "we" canceled, I'd bet she pops a child to keep him attached to her. The first wife (assuming he was married before) didn't keep getting pregnant every 15 monthes to hook him to be there. Birth control was practiced better or the woman had more brains than this one. Whatever, she controls the household and more the man, this could be a whole different story had she used the 13 y.o. as an indentured slave to get caught up on sleep as she 'apparently' did with the in-laws (mentioned in panel 8) who now stopped helping them ALTOGETHER. Go figure? That fact also screams what an unpleasant person she is. The grandparents seem to care about the older granddaughter and support her feelings somewhat. Not enough details there to be saying more.
I had a super colicky baby. It sucks. If you never experience it yourself first hand then I am so happy for you. That doesn't give you the excuse to ignore your kid. Here's a thought, ask the ex if you can get 13 a day early. If that would be OK, ask 13 if she is willing to sit for you guys that night, with pay, so you can be refreshed and ready to dedicate your attention to her the next day
She did ask, presumably because she wanted to know if she was wrong. It’s not necessary to abuse her. I thought we were against abuse?
No, she asked in the hope that everybody would pile on her penny party and tell her how it is OK to be abusive and neglectful of the child that she did not squirt out.
Load More Replies... Why does this wicked stepmother pop out a kid every two years? I think she does it for this very reason...to separate the 13 yr old from her father. In other words, to hold on to her husband.
ETA here. The daughter shouldn't be talking about her family so publicly like that. The step-mom is in over her head and does need more support. I get the sleep deprivation and it is torture. At the same time, she did end up having more kids than she could handle. The dad, well, that's his bio daughter and he should be making time for her. This situation isn't forever. Things will get better as long as the parents put a cap on the kids now.
The daughter may be older but she's just a kid who is feeling abandoned by her Dad.
Load More Replies... When you married a man with a daughter from a previous marriage, you are aware that visitations are court ordered, which means neither you nor your husband gets to "cancel" visits just because you're both sleep-deprived. But because you both did, the daughter got the short end, and she's lashing out on social media, and her relatives were right to take her side. You also gotta know that it's NOT a good look on dad when visitations are canceled, which is in violation of the agreement, and mom, the custodial parent, can go to the judge and have the arrangement amended, and NOT IN HIS FAVOR!! Rather than BOTH of you trying to catch up on sleep, take turns instead! That way, he won't need to cancel on his daughter, the daughter gets time with dad, and all parties are satisfied!
In 10 years they're going to wonder why the oldest didn't ever come visit or call, much like my ex does now. Bed of your own making, dude.
What's wrong with your husband allowing you to stop seeing his older daughter ❓
Welcome to adulthood; y'all've had 3 kids in 5 years. Ever heard of birth control? Ignoring your husband's adolescent daughter is a huge mistake.
What if the husband uses condoms, but pokes holes in them to purposely get OP pregnant? There is a lot of info missing on all sides. This seems like and ESH situation instead of TA or NTA.
Load More Replies... Yes. They already knew they had the stepdaughter when they decided to have 3 more kids in quick succession. They just relegated her to the “2nd hand” pile to concentrate on the new versions. It isn’t going to get any better for the stepdaughter either. As those kids grow up she will be left out and it will affect her future wellbeing.
Maybe they don't believe in contraception. Your body needs time to heal before you make it go through pregnancy & childbirth again. Even if it was her bad decision to have all those kids back to back, her body is probably broken. She should be allowed to sleep. Let the father take care of his 13 year old by himself.
The baby has COLLIC this isn't about a mom that has too many kids. If the baby didn't have COLLIC there wouldn't be an issue. The lack of reading comprehension is sad
Load More Replies... How old are all the people that are commenting? I've raised four kids. Sometimes when babies show up, it's not planned. Stop piling on the already overwhelmed mom. Yes, she shouldn't have canceled on her step daughter. Yes, the dad should have made sure his daughter was included. No, the step daughter shouldn't have publicly shamed them. Maybe if the members of the family actually tried talking to each other, it would be solved by now. Damn. Try to be kind y'all. Especially if you've never had small children, a full time job and step kids. It ain't easy.
Babies are only "unplanned" if you allow for it. Engaging in reproductive-style sex without using contraception is known to result in children. It's not a surprise.
Load More Replies... This isn’t the little kids fault, so they aren’t brats. The step daughter isn’t more important than the other kids and isn’t less.
Load More Replies... So that means it's ok to cast out a 13 yo from their lives because they chose to have another kid?
Load More Replies... How does the 13 yo feel "entitled to me-time every weekend"? Because she's a KID who actually IS entitled to her parent's time. Yes, every weekend. You cannot expect a 13 year old to handle this in a "mature way", because she's still a friggin kid! The stepmother seems overwhelmed and exhausted, sure, but also pretty short-sighted and selfish. The father seems like he's only good for fertilizing ova, and not much else.
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