“People Have Told Me I Was Ungrateful And Selfish”: New Mom Upset She Got Baby Stuff On Her Birthday, Wonders If She’s A Jerk
Personality traits, abilities, likes and dislikes, our belief system and moral code as well as the things that motivate us, all these things contribute to our unique identity.
But one woman, who recently became a mother, feels that, unfortunately, other people see her solely as a parent.
Reddit user Ihatemyburthday was upset when her thirtieth came around and she was greeted only with gifts for her baby. Even worse, those that she didn’t even need.
However, after the party guests noticed her sadness, they accused the new mom of being ungrateful and selfish.
The woman couldn’t make sense of the whole situation, so she turned to the ‘Am I the [Jerk]?‘ subreddit, asking its members to share their impartial opinions.
This new mom was really excited about her 30th birthday, but it turned into a huge disappointment
Image credits: Matilda Wormwood (not the actual photo)
When she unpacked her presents and saw just a bunch of baby clothes
Image credits: rawpixel (not the actual photo)
Some people make it pretty far in life without giving their identity too much thought, so the question ‘does a strong sense of self really make a difference’ seems reasonable.
But according to Erika Myers, a licensed professional counselor in Bend, Oregon, it absolutely does.
“Having a well-developed sense of self is hugely beneficial in helping us make choices in life,” Myers said. “From something as small as favorite foods to larger concerns like personal values, knowing what comes from our own self versus what comes from others allows us to live authentically.”
Self-knowledge helps to accept your entire self, both the traits you’re proud of and those you’d like to get rid of. If you do feel dissatisfied with certain aspects of yourself, you’ll have an easier time addressing those areas when you have an accurate understanding of your nature and abilities.
But if your attempts at self-expression earn criticism or punishment from parents, friends, or someone else, you might start ignoring your internal sense of self—it may seem safer and more beneficial to reshape yourself into someone more easily accepted.
And while there’s nothing wrong with accommodating others from time to time, your decisions should, for the most part, primarily benefit your health and well-being.
People think the mom had every reason to be upset
106Kviews
Share on FacebookThe only thing I would get for a kid on their parent's birthday is a babysitter.
Yeah, anybody would be offended. The most important part of the present is personalization - so, it doesn't have to be expensive, or extraordinary, or even very useful, but it should show that you thought about that person while choosing a gift for them. And treating this woman like a free addition to her child just because she's a new mom is absolutely appalling. People don't lose their identities when they become parents. Babies have their own birthdays and that's time when you bring presents for them.
I absolutely agree. Anybody that called her her ungrateful is an a*****e. She has every right to expect birthday presents for herself on her birthday or 1st day. If you're not going to buy me a gift for me on my birthday commy birthday, don't buy a gift at all.. That's just what people who don't think or care do . She's still a separate person.
Load More Replies...I agree with the others. Why do people think women lose their identities once they have kids? They're not JUST moms. They are their own person as well!
You would never guess based on how some of them talk about their kids constantly and every SM post is kid this mommy that.
Load More Replies...Did the dad get baby stuff on his birthday? Would these family and friends even think of buying a baby related gift for the father? Most likely not, at most the mother would get him a best daddy T-shirt or something from rage child, but definitely wouldn't buy basic essentials for a baby as his gift - so why should the mother get stuff like this and be expected to be thrilled? I may get a new mum something "mum" related, like a best mum t-shirt, post baby pampering stuff, and post pregnancy massage, babysitting voucher and a meal out - plenty of other options to honour the fact she's became a mum that put the focus on her and what she needs/wants. It's not a complex thing to understand, her whole body, time and everything has went into the process of having her child, I don't think wanting something for yourself is much to ask
One person made an excellent point: would her family buy baby gifts for her husband's birthday? No? Enough said.
I don't know why people called her ungrateful. It was her birthday, her birthday, not the baby's birthday.. She had a right to expect birthday presents for a grown up on her birthday.. I would have been offended too.
I, too, once got an iron for my birthday. It was one of the few things I actually wished for...
Load More Replies...So on the father's birthday will he get baby clothes? Even though a woman puts her all in raising a wonderful person, it is NOT ALL of who she is. Dad is "bob" 1st and Dad 2nd. Mom is... Mom period.
NTA. especially when you said you dont need more baby stuff. not only they dont make a secon thought about what you may like but they dont even bother to listen to you when you explicitely say them what you DO NOT like. what kind of friends tgey are? were tgey thoughtful before you had kids? or you just didnt notice?
My mom just tried to do this with our cousin who had her second baby. She's like "hey! Let's all chip in & get her (insert tons of baby items that she already has because it's not only her 3rd kid but she JUST had a baby shower a few months ago & we have a huge family who goes all out) & maybe some toys or something for the other kids so they don't feel left out. Everyone else was on board & I'm like "dude. It's HER birthday. Not the baby's birthday. We need to get her something. She has all of this stuff & she has even turned down hand me downs because she doesn't need anything else. Why are we buying the kids toys on her birthday? Why don't we get her some gift cards for manicure, pedicure, massage & like... a spa treatment & an Amazon gift card or something and each give her a little 'well babysit for you whenever you want to redeem these' card." & everyone was reluctant but agreed. Fast forward.. 1/2 the party got her baby s**t. She seemed annoyed. Happy when she got to our gift!
Even when the baby arrives I always get something for the mother unless they ask for something specifically, A massage or something like that. I know they have everything they need.
Oh my gosh, SO not the AH. Wouldn't be the AH on any birthday, but this was her 30th! I remember a time that a colleague brought her new baby into the office, she'd had a really difficult pregnancy and labour, so I figured I'd get her a little spa certificate for whenever she was able to find a couple of hours to herself, go get a facial or a massage or whatever. She full on bawled on me when she opened the card and told me she'd felt lost and forgotten about in the whole thing because everything had become about her son. I'm a PA in my job and whenever the company asks me to send a new baby hamper to an employee, I ALWAYS order the one that has stuff for baby AND the parents now.
As a parent (and maybe especially as a mom) you sort of lose your own identity when they are young. You want to hold on to everything that even reminds you of you as your own person to keep your sanity. It's very reasonable to be upset when even others see you as just a mom instead of your own person. That hurts. I see absolutely nothing wrong about being upset and angry over this.
When it's someone's birthday, you get them a gift. A gift for them. Not for their baby, not for their house, not for their husband. Just for them.
"thanks for the baby stuff. now where's the REAL gift- the receipts, so i can return this garbage & spend the money on something *i* want?"
Load More Replies...I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling like my children matter more than me to "outsiders" (=everyone but my husband and my parents), especially on big days... Sometimes I find myself wishing for Monday/for Christmas to be over/for me to have a doctor's appointment, because at least I'm viewed as a separate, noteworthy person when I'm at work/not around some family members/at the doctor's. It's incredibly hard not to resent that, especially when you're someone who cherishes "your" moments. I really hope I won't plant that resentment in my twins - they're destined to share certain events, after all...
Christmas before my baby was born I was given childrens books and toys and my husband recieved fancy coffee beans and a lovely scarf 😑😑😑
This woman is so not the a-hole. She may be a mother, but she is still a person and she deserves to get gifts for herself on HER birthday. Those people were rude to use her birthday as an excuse to buy more baby clothes. A woman's worth shouldn't have to revolve around her baby. She needs to return the excess baby clothes and get herself something nice. She also needs to drop that friend that said she is jealous of her baby because anyone who says that is not a good friend. Society needs to stop equating a woman's worth with whether she has children or not. Women are so much more than mothers and wives.
Wow way to take all of your individuality and independence away from you... You are not ONLY a mother... you are still YOU, a human being with interests and likes and wants and needs that are COMPLETELY 100% separate from your child and your role as their mother. I'm so sorry they treated you this way. I'm currently pregnant with my first and if I am asked what I want for my birthday next year, I'll be sure to say, "anything that isn't baby related lol!" but really...
that's horrible. a milestone birthday, and people all bought someone else presents instead of the person whose milestone birthday it is. that's being a rubbish friend. or a rubbish family member. even as a "you've just had a baby" present, I tend to get something for the parents rather than the baby. because they are going through a lot, and need some pampering. I remember the most recent relative to have a baby, by caesarian, we took round a box of chocolates, and the new mum pretty much ate the lot in one sitting. didn't offer them round. just hoovered them right up, and then told us she had no idea she was so hungry. so, in my book, that was a big win. they hit the spot, made her feel satisfied, and she got to enjoy them all to herself, and that's perfect. people with babies, unless they say otherwise, aren't short on baby stuff. but they're still individuals, going through a tiring time in their life, and they deserve a pamper
OP didn't mention it, but I'm wondering if her birthday is close to her baby's--Mom's born on the 1st, baby's born on the 2nd of the same month, something like that. If their birthdays are close together, I can kinda understand going gaga on the baby stuff. However, if Mom's birthday is, say, in January, and Baby's birthday is in June, there's no excuse for ppl using *Mom's* birthday to buy gifts for the baby. If anything, it would've been a nice gesture to give Mom some grocery gift cards, restaurant gift cards, spa gift cards--something that *Mom* could really use and appreciate while she's settling into new motherhood. There's no excuse for just blowing Mom off like that.
Sell some of the baby stuff, buy something you like and let them b*tch about it
Children also affects how much a woman is worth in a family. I'm treated like a lesser being, "not yet adult", not having the same say. Many decisions are made "for the kids" but really it's the parents who want it that way. This somehow doesn't affect the men in the same way. Their status or gifts doesn't change with parenthood. Although my husband and I doesn't have any children my gifts from his family have been storage boxes and a drying rack.
Weird, when it's my mom's birthday, I've never gotten a present. Have to make sure that she knows starting this year, all the gifts are mine. I'll make her a list to send to her friends. I can't wait. /s I was ready to say she was the AH. Who wouldn't want some stuff for their baby? Then I read the rest, and no, she's not. She explicitly asked them not to get anything baby related, also saying she has enough stuff. They totally ignored what she had said, and didn't even think about her.
They just stumbled on what everyone who has a birthday near Christmas has dealt with their entire life!!
Sounds like she shares too much of what she buys for herself if they make her feel guilty about it. Take some of the extra clothes and put baby in them and take photos and send to those that gave the gift. Then resell privately on eBay so they don't see it and make some money to put half for the child away an half for herself to have for things she wants for baby or herself. You can sell the outgrown stuff or put a few aside for next baby in the family. And do the baby gifts back. Stuff a onesie w fiberfill and make a pillow as a gift to someone or frame a small shirt as a grandparent gift. Just to lessen the amount in the house. But sell off fb as I'm sure someone would notice their item for sale.
she's 30. a milestone birthday, with years of life behind her for her friends & family to know her & figure out what she would actually want as a gift. time for her loved ones to grow out of the dated "mothers only exist to raise children" mindset & figure out that women who have children are still people with interests, hobbies, & personalities. time for you to grow out of it, too.
Load More Replies...The only thing I would get for a kid on their parent's birthday is a babysitter.
Yeah, anybody would be offended. The most important part of the present is personalization - so, it doesn't have to be expensive, or extraordinary, or even very useful, but it should show that you thought about that person while choosing a gift for them. And treating this woman like a free addition to her child just because she's a new mom is absolutely appalling. People don't lose their identities when they become parents. Babies have their own birthdays and that's time when you bring presents for them.
I absolutely agree. Anybody that called her her ungrateful is an a*****e. She has every right to expect birthday presents for herself on her birthday or 1st day. If you're not going to buy me a gift for me on my birthday commy birthday, don't buy a gift at all.. That's just what people who don't think or care do . She's still a separate person.
Load More Replies...I agree with the others. Why do people think women lose their identities once they have kids? They're not JUST moms. They are their own person as well!
You would never guess based on how some of them talk about their kids constantly and every SM post is kid this mommy that.
Load More Replies...Did the dad get baby stuff on his birthday? Would these family and friends even think of buying a baby related gift for the father? Most likely not, at most the mother would get him a best daddy T-shirt or something from rage child, but definitely wouldn't buy basic essentials for a baby as his gift - so why should the mother get stuff like this and be expected to be thrilled? I may get a new mum something "mum" related, like a best mum t-shirt, post baby pampering stuff, and post pregnancy massage, babysitting voucher and a meal out - plenty of other options to honour the fact she's became a mum that put the focus on her and what she needs/wants. It's not a complex thing to understand, her whole body, time and everything has went into the process of having her child, I don't think wanting something for yourself is much to ask
One person made an excellent point: would her family buy baby gifts for her husband's birthday? No? Enough said.
I don't know why people called her ungrateful. It was her birthday, her birthday, not the baby's birthday.. She had a right to expect birthday presents for a grown up on her birthday.. I would have been offended too.
I, too, once got an iron for my birthday. It was one of the few things I actually wished for...
Load More Replies...So on the father's birthday will he get baby clothes? Even though a woman puts her all in raising a wonderful person, it is NOT ALL of who she is. Dad is "bob" 1st and Dad 2nd. Mom is... Mom period.
NTA. especially when you said you dont need more baby stuff. not only they dont make a secon thought about what you may like but they dont even bother to listen to you when you explicitely say them what you DO NOT like. what kind of friends tgey are? were tgey thoughtful before you had kids? or you just didnt notice?
My mom just tried to do this with our cousin who had her second baby. She's like "hey! Let's all chip in & get her (insert tons of baby items that she already has because it's not only her 3rd kid but she JUST had a baby shower a few months ago & we have a huge family who goes all out) & maybe some toys or something for the other kids so they don't feel left out. Everyone else was on board & I'm like "dude. It's HER birthday. Not the baby's birthday. We need to get her something. She has all of this stuff & she has even turned down hand me downs because she doesn't need anything else. Why are we buying the kids toys on her birthday? Why don't we get her some gift cards for manicure, pedicure, massage & like... a spa treatment & an Amazon gift card or something and each give her a little 'well babysit for you whenever you want to redeem these' card." & everyone was reluctant but agreed. Fast forward.. 1/2 the party got her baby s**t. She seemed annoyed. Happy when she got to our gift!
Even when the baby arrives I always get something for the mother unless they ask for something specifically, A massage or something like that. I know they have everything they need.
Oh my gosh, SO not the AH. Wouldn't be the AH on any birthday, but this was her 30th! I remember a time that a colleague brought her new baby into the office, she'd had a really difficult pregnancy and labour, so I figured I'd get her a little spa certificate for whenever she was able to find a couple of hours to herself, go get a facial or a massage or whatever. She full on bawled on me when she opened the card and told me she'd felt lost and forgotten about in the whole thing because everything had become about her son. I'm a PA in my job and whenever the company asks me to send a new baby hamper to an employee, I ALWAYS order the one that has stuff for baby AND the parents now.
As a parent (and maybe especially as a mom) you sort of lose your own identity when they are young. You want to hold on to everything that even reminds you of you as your own person to keep your sanity. It's very reasonable to be upset when even others see you as just a mom instead of your own person. That hurts. I see absolutely nothing wrong about being upset and angry over this.
When it's someone's birthday, you get them a gift. A gift for them. Not for their baby, not for their house, not for their husband. Just for them.
"thanks for the baby stuff. now where's the REAL gift- the receipts, so i can return this garbage & spend the money on something *i* want?"
Load More Replies...I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling like my children matter more than me to "outsiders" (=everyone but my husband and my parents), especially on big days... Sometimes I find myself wishing for Monday/for Christmas to be over/for me to have a doctor's appointment, because at least I'm viewed as a separate, noteworthy person when I'm at work/not around some family members/at the doctor's. It's incredibly hard not to resent that, especially when you're someone who cherishes "your" moments. I really hope I won't plant that resentment in my twins - they're destined to share certain events, after all...
Christmas before my baby was born I was given childrens books and toys and my husband recieved fancy coffee beans and a lovely scarf 😑😑😑
This woman is so not the a-hole. She may be a mother, but she is still a person and she deserves to get gifts for herself on HER birthday. Those people were rude to use her birthday as an excuse to buy more baby clothes. A woman's worth shouldn't have to revolve around her baby. She needs to return the excess baby clothes and get herself something nice. She also needs to drop that friend that said she is jealous of her baby because anyone who says that is not a good friend. Society needs to stop equating a woman's worth with whether she has children or not. Women are so much more than mothers and wives.
Wow way to take all of your individuality and independence away from you... You are not ONLY a mother... you are still YOU, a human being with interests and likes and wants and needs that are COMPLETELY 100% separate from your child and your role as their mother. I'm so sorry they treated you this way. I'm currently pregnant with my first and if I am asked what I want for my birthday next year, I'll be sure to say, "anything that isn't baby related lol!" but really...
that's horrible. a milestone birthday, and people all bought someone else presents instead of the person whose milestone birthday it is. that's being a rubbish friend. or a rubbish family member. even as a "you've just had a baby" present, I tend to get something for the parents rather than the baby. because they are going through a lot, and need some pampering. I remember the most recent relative to have a baby, by caesarian, we took round a box of chocolates, and the new mum pretty much ate the lot in one sitting. didn't offer them round. just hoovered them right up, and then told us she had no idea she was so hungry. so, in my book, that was a big win. they hit the spot, made her feel satisfied, and she got to enjoy them all to herself, and that's perfect. people with babies, unless they say otherwise, aren't short on baby stuff. but they're still individuals, going through a tiring time in their life, and they deserve a pamper
OP didn't mention it, but I'm wondering if her birthday is close to her baby's--Mom's born on the 1st, baby's born on the 2nd of the same month, something like that. If their birthdays are close together, I can kinda understand going gaga on the baby stuff. However, if Mom's birthday is, say, in January, and Baby's birthday is in June, there's no excuse for ppl using *Mom's* birthday to buy gifts for the baby. If anything, it would've been a nice gesture to give Mom some grocery gift cards, restaurant gift cards, spa gift cards--something that *Mom* could really use and appreciate while she's settling into new motherhood. There's no excuse for just blowing Mom off like that.
Sell some of the baby stuff, buy something you like and let them b*tch about it
Children also affects how much a woman is worth in a family. I'm treated like a lesser being, "not yet adult", not having the same say. Many decisions are made "for the kids" but really it's the parents who want it that way. This somehow doesn't affect the men in the same way. Their status or gifts doesn't change with parenthood. Although my husband and I doesn't have any children my gifts from his family have been storage boxes and a drying rack.
Weird, when it's my mom's birthday, I've never gotten a present. Have to make sure that she knows starting this year, all the gifts are mine. I'll make her a list to send to her friends. I can't wait. /s I was ready to say she was the AH. Who wouldn't want some stuff for their baby? Then I read the rest, and no, she's not. She explicitly asked them not to get anything baby related, also saying she has enough stuff. They totally ignored what she had said, and didn't even think about her.
They just stumbled on what everyone who has a birthday near Christmas has dealt with their entire life!!
Sounds like she shares too much of what she buys for herself if they make her feel guilty about it. Take some of the extra clothes and put baby in them and take photos and send to those that gave the gift. Then resell privately on eBay so they don't see it and make some money to put half for the child away an half for herself to have for things she wants for baby or herself. You can sell the outgrown stuff or put a few aside for next baby in the family. And do the baby gifts back. Stuff a onesie w fiberfill and make a pillow as a gift to someone or frame a small shirt as a grandparent gift. Just to lessen the amount in the house. But sell off fb as I'm sure someone would notice their item for sale.
she's 30. a milestone birthday, with years of life behind her for her friends & family to know her & figure out what she would actually want as a gift. time for her loved ones to grow out of the dated "mothers only exist to raise children" mindset & figure out that women who have children are still people with interests, hobbies, & personalities. time for you to grow out of it, too.
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