The birth of a child is a big moment not only for their parents. New grandpas and grandmas, aunts and uncles, and pretty much all relatives and friends want to catch a glimpse of the little bundle of joy. However, in all of this chaos, people might forget the person they should be paying the most attention to. The mother. And it can really wear them down.
Katie Bowman, the “creator of twins and their big sister,” recently wrote an incredibly touching text, explaining the importance of rest for new moms. Shared on her blog Living My Family Life, the post resonated with thousands of women and should become a must-read for everyone who wants to go to the hospital to visit the new family member.
Image credits: livingmyfamilylife
Katie thinks it’s normal for people to be so excited to see a new baby. “It’s a special moment and they want to be involved. I just think sometimes that overwhelming excitement can sometimes cloud their judgment, and they try to justify that seeing the new baby is more important than listening to what the new mum wants,” she told Bored Panda.
She believes there are only 2 things you can do to get away from this unwanted attention. Either ask for space or demand it when people don’t listen. It’s a very sensitive time and unfortunately, you’re normally made to feel like the bad guy no matter what you say.
“I was lucky to have people who wanted to celebrate the life of our daughter, I just had some a bit late, which left me feeling exhausted as shown in my picture, staring at everyone wishing they would leave so I could finally get some sleep. The whole post is not related specifically to my experience, but experiences in general for new mothers. I feel like it’s a subject where mums feel like they have to just take a back seat and allow their newborn to feel like everyone’s property. It’s about reminding everyone that childbirth is a special moment, and they need to remember that with a new baby, there is a new mother. A new mother who is made to feel like she can’t speak up about her own feelings, because apparently everyone else’s feelings are more important at this time.”
The next time she was pregnant, Katie decided to avoid the tricky situation altogether.”For our second pregnancy, we said we probably wouldn’t want visitors at the hospital this time, especially with there being 2 babies. If it was going to be anything like my first birth, I knew I wasn’t going to want to put on a brave face to see anyone. As it was, the twins were a much easier delivery surprisingly and I felt great and ready to see family the next morning,” the mom said.
People had a lot to say about Katie’s powerful message
The responses her post has received taught Katie that there are loads of mothers who wished they could have had some alone time with their new baby. “It’s a special moment, and it’s something they will never get back. Then there were people who proved exactly what I said. They made it sound like I was a complete drama queen because I wanted some rest instead of visitors. Apparently it’s got to be all or nothing.”
Tiffany Koonter's response had me gobsmacked. Seven years of cutting off contact over a few days of waiting??? Seriously? Because seeing the kid at five days old instead of five hours was so heart-breaking? Are they planning to take this petty c**p to their graves?
There are weird people like this. My mother is still salty about me not having wanted to go to ballet when I was five. I'm thirty...
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Seems like a very personal issue to you. Everyone in my family was very clear about visitors and how they where not allowed in the hospital, not on certain days/hours at home, etc. No problems at all. We always get cards with texts like 'mommy and the baby sleep from 2 to 4pm' or something like that, which means you don't visit at those times.
Exactly. Setting up expectations in advance with clear communication isn't a universal skill, but a great one and can/should be learned! You can be direct and assertive while being kind.
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My mother and grandmother have always told me that it is impolite to visit someone that had just given birth unless you were invited and I have always followed that rule. I will watch the older spawn if needed (for my best girlfriend, I kept her older two until she got home) or I will send a meal over, and I will text and check in with them, but I DO NOT VISIT UNTIL INVITED. Then I go over to visit and take the little nugget and sniff its head and kiss its cheeks and bite its toes until told to stop.
This! My family and my inlaws all waited till we were home and then waited to be invited. We waited till we had been home a whole 24 hrs before invites went out and then we got swarmed. I believe I took a nap during that time cause I don't remember it
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When my twins were born in 1986 they were 6 weeks premi so they were in humidicribs for about 6 days. I was having a break and when I returned the nurses had taken the youngest one out of the crib and gave her to my husbands mother for her first cuddle. It might sound really petty but I was bloody devastated. Some people just don't think. The other little girl was handed to her father which didn't upset me as much but it still hurt like hell. At no time the whole 24 hours before while I was expressing milk for them and sitting by their cribs did anyone tell me they were going to be coming out :( .
It isn't petty at all - totally understand why you were devastated.
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My ex MIL, from Eastern Europe, was escorted from the hospital when she arrived within hours of my first son being born to take "her" baby home.
My mom hated visitors, but she has to deal with ALL of them (including dad's coworkers, and both tried to stop them). I never forgot her horror tales, so, for my friends sakes, I wait not just a couple of days, but to be call. And they all do call: I'm ready for you to come and meet the baby! So, I prepare A LOT OF FOOD, and I go there (with a crochet-something I made. if it's cold, a hoodie, if it's hot, a little animal) and I CLEAN their houses and now I'm sure that at least they are going to have several homemade healthy dinners and less mess. Because it's messy, and they are tired, and they need help. Of course I will hold the babies, but you just have to be CERTAIN that the mother is OK with that. Do yourself useful in this critical and highly sentimental moment. If you can't: just don't go, just wait.
My mother and sister wanted to see my newborn baby and stay over for a couple days too, when I said no I got an earful from them. Including my (childless) sister telling me that having a baby was not an excuse to not let them stay over
Oh lordie, did they actually expect you to cook and clean for them, too??? It would be tempting to put them in the same room as the baby and hand them a bottle, diapers/nappies and a list of housekeeping tasks.
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You know what, if I have "family" who would stop talking to me just because I told them to wait a while before meeting the new baby... I would gladly let it remain that way and just not talk to them forever.
Are yOU F****N KIDDING ME?! People get mad over such a simple request?!
YES. I don't have children, but I've never visited my friends in hospital. A text message is enough. And I've always waited for things to be settled in the home too, before visiting.
Same here. I'm an aunt of 4 (3 from my sister, 1 from my sister-in-law) and I always waited for the appropriate moment / invitation, which was never at the hospital, but at home, when everything is settled down and the family with the newborn is ready to have visits.
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Had my ex wife's mother show up to the birth of my daughter with my wife. Ok, fine, I can be polite....but then she decided she was staying for the birth. Which quickly turned into a "hell no!" and when I told her to leave she freaked out on me (I actually had to get security to take her out of the room). Even my ex was asking her why she thought it was ok to stay, and we hate each other!
I'm childfree by choice and happy with that but the idea of someone not respecting a new mother's wishes about spending time with her new baby that was literally just born... That just f*****g disgusts and horrifies me. There's boundaries that you just don't cross and when someone says they don't want visitors in a hospital for any reason (though especially new mums) you need to f*****g let go of what you want and give them what they want. No means No in all situations. New Mum says "No visitors" or "Wait a few days" you f*****g wait!
My oldest was a very difficult birth , both physically and emotionally. It was just myself and my husband, and he went back to work,so that he had more time to spend with us at home. It was hard hearing the woman across the hall getting visitors. My next two children were easier births, but we also had family there.We had moved closer and family had retired. I had also set boundaries. Mother in law was there to take care of older kids, clean, etc. not to take care of baby! Dad had spoken with her and it really never became an issue. It helps to have a great partner/ father.
While I was reading that wonderful piece I kept thinking, "Women: is there anything they can't do"? As a guy I think the ladies are the stronger sex, not so much physically, but stronger in other areas, like they can shoot out a small humans from their bodies, and they have a built in feeding system. Can guys do that? If a guy went through what Katie did, well...it won't ever happen. But if it did, can you imagine....? We don't give women half the credit they deserve. It's about time we did and stop all this misogyny bull. /
I had no visitors and felt really lonely. My husband came in for an hour a day, complained how bored he was and left.
Well that sucks. Sorry to hear that you were so lonely. Virtual hugs for you.
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My brother and his wife just had a brand new baby Monday night. She is GORGEOUS and I desperately want to get my hands on her. But my kids and I are waiting until the weekend because I know how important this time is for them. She'll still be just as adorable and I won't feel like I'm intruding on something that really should be private and special. I am crazy excited though. Have I mentioned she's adorable!?!
This isn’t a universal feeling at all. My wife loved guests within an hour of giving birth and welcomed all her family multiple times in the hospital for the next few days. It all depends on the person.
Is this an American problem or does it exist in other countries, too? I wouldn't have dreamt to go into the HOSPITAL to visit a new mom and baby. Much lless walk straight into the delivery room. Wtf is wrong with people?? I feel very lucky that one of my closest freinds (who had a planned cesarian - which was painful but didn't leave her as gutwrenchingly exhausted as all my other friends) allowed me to visit her when the child was three days old. All other babies I saw at one or two weeks old.The seven years comment left me speechless. Honestly, who wants bitches like that in their lives, in the first place. Good riddance.
Unpopular opinion: Was something stopping her from being able to communicate that she didn't want to see anyone for the first two days? Sorry Mom, but you have to put up your own boundaries, not expect everyone around you to be psychic and know what you want. I had one person - my mother- the day after I gave birth and that was because I invited her. I had no visitors at the house for several days. Period. Set up expectations ahead of time so everyone knows what the deal is, and then stick to them.
Not that simple in some families. Don't you know how easily some people get offended? People think that you are keeping the baby from them. I didn't have any visitors that I didn't want but when I got home my sister was hovering and I just wanted to spend alone time with my husband and baby. I asked her to give us time and she talked so bad about me to our sister. I did nothing wrong except ask her to not come in my room. And when you ask your family not to kiss your baby they act like you just told them you think they are disgusting with poor hygiene. No, I just don't want my baby to get sick. Germs.
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They had me on decent meds. I didn't care who visited me the 3 days per birth that I was in the hospital.
This even applies in the first few weeks after birth. My MIL insisted on bringing her friends over even though I'd had no sleep at all and had only just got bub to sleep so I could rest myself. She wouldn't take no for an answer. By the time they left bub was awake again and I'd had no rest. I sobbed for ages
When I gave birth to my second child I was in and out of hospital inside 6hrs and back home to look after my new baby, my 17month old and my home. So .... ya know ... I would have been grateful for a couple of visitors to help share the load. With my first baby, I nearly died and my baby was in Special Baby Care unit. I had a very enthusiastic 'crowd' outside the window and had to insist the curtains be closed while I was giving birth. I smile with love that they were so keen to 'see' the delivery! I was horrified at the thought at the time of course. No woman wants to be seen like that. Meanwhile I thank the moon and the stars for them because when they went home they were called back to help with various things after my health deteriorated and my baby went into the special baby care unit. My husband couldn't be reached as he was in some kind of post birth coma (asleep at home). My husbands family and my mum were there for me when I really needed them. They did come around again when I eventually got to come home with my new baby and yes it was an exhausting day BUT I needed those guests and was grateful for their interest. It is far better than having no interest and no help. Lots of people do not have family who care, you should stop being so petty and ungrateful. I guarantee you won't be so resentful of their presence when you need a sitter, a break, some help.
So nicely and well said. I can imagine that many of those same people complaining about friends and family visiting will Gladly take those same peoples help, dinners, babysitting for free
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The fact that people want to see a baby fresh outta the womb baffles the s**t out of me. They all look exactly the same at that age, you're not seeing anything new. Plus they're super, SUPER vulnerable to germs right when they're born so a bunch of people touching and slobbering all over the baby is like, you trying to kill this thing or what? Go away unless someone asks for you, seriously.
I think all decisions have to be made on an individual basis not everyone has a partners support or some people want a mothers help. Parents decision needs to be supported at all times it's their baby
I don't have kids, and I don't want any, so I thought new moms would appreciate having visitors in the room so they don't feel alone. This article proved me wrong! Also, I have a theory that people really want to see the baby as soon as possible because they're impatient. It is really hard to be patient. But that doesn't justify visiting if the mother doesn't allow.
Some moms do like having visitors. (I was one) I think the safest course is just to ask, and make it clear that you won't be offended either way.
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So... gf delivered at night, we were in the room at maybe 4:00... and then the next morning every few minutes somebody came to our room. Doctors, nurses, nursing advisor, photographer, somebody from church... was difficult for her to catch sleep, not because of family, but because of the hospital routines. For a normal, unproblematic birth.
I had the problem too. It was the breastfeeding Nazis that kept barging in annoying me. They need to do a better job of wrangling those volunteers.
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I’m going to say it, why be so dramatic? If you don’t want any visitors let everyone know before hand. Who cares what they think about it. I don’t get why so many people can’t just say what’s on their mind In this day and age. You didn’t let everyone know you wanted alone time with the baby for a few days, and then you complained about it afterwards like they were supposed to be mind readers or something. That’s what gets me. Not the fact you wanted alone time but you expected everyone to just assume. Then when no one called you or showed up, you would have been complaining that you had no support or that no one cared about you or your new baby during this time. How is anyone suppose to know? I’m someone that doesn’t care how many people come and see the baby. I made my labor a party and had as many people as possible. I didn’t care. I’m chill like that. How are they supposed to know what kind of labor mom you are?
If you've never been in labor before, how are you supposed to know what kind of "labor mom" you are? I couldn't have kids, so all I've ever heard of about child birth is "how beautiful and special it is" and "yes, it hurts, but as soon as it's over and you see your baby, all of that is forgotten about." So how the hell would I know to expect all that? And while I (honestly) am glad for you that you have such a blunt and up front disposition and didn't mind party or audience, not everyone has such a bold constitution. Especially with demanding family and in laws. At least now women who might be a little more shy about things can know they aren't alone, they can get a bit more of an idea of what to expect, and, more importantly perhaps, know that it's okay to set these boundaries and that having an audience is an option, not a requirement, they aren't obligated to subject themselves to things they aren't comfortable with.
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When my first baby was born, I had hubby in the room with me after I kicked my mom out because I wasn't at my best and didn't want to be swearing in front of her. She was upset & hurt that she couldn't be there during birth. However, all 20 of our closest immediate family was standing outside the room during birth. During mid-stitch of my lower bits, my doctor was called across the hall to assist with another birth. While she was away, the nurse pulled a blanket across me and invited the 20 family members into the room. Blood all over the floor, a needle literally sticking halfway through my lady parts and the placenta in a dish right between my legs (hidden by the blanket, but still.) Had visitors while the baby was barely 5 minutes old. After that fiasco, the next births were quieter and I found my voice to tell people to give me enough time to at least get the stitches finished up first. What an ordeal!!
I specifically told everyone that I wanted no visitors during the birth as I did not want people seeing me like that and I'm a very private person. Didnt stop my mother from barging into my room while I was sleeping (had just had an epidural and first sleep in 3 days!) and wake me up. She then stood outside my door throughout the birth and then brought up stories of my screams in front of other family members while laughing about it! It was very embarrassing.
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AS a rule, I never visit any one who has just given birth. After having kids myself and knows what it feels like to have people wonder in and out of your room as if the new baby is their property, I never ever visit a new mom in hospital. I'll wait until they are at home and then ask if it is okay to come and visit. I also help with preparing dinners or cleaning if she will allow me to do so.
There is plenty of time to visit, that baby is there to stay, there is no need to rush, let the woman and family rest, adapt, get together. Call, ask if she needs help with anything, if she doesn't, stay away from the f* house for at least 40 days and visit later. No need to bombard the baby's fragile immune system with viruses and bacteria. The only exception to this for me would be those closest ones, parents and siblings, though after labour #3 and staph infection the baby had on her head, I would seriously limit even their visits. Sorry but at this point, my baby and I are top priority now, if you can't or don't want to understand that, screw you.
Every situation different. My birth experience was long and painful bot I didn't care who came to hospital to see me and new baby. (No one.) Home is when I wanted no visitors just sleep. I was exhausted and so was baby. I had to put sign in window to say "mommy and baby sleeping. please don't knock".
I looked forward to friends visiting, it can get pretty lonely between feedings! I was just so thrilled to have my baby, and I had no problem breastfeeding, so I guess I was just lucky. ( BTW having a doula to teach you breastfeeding is generally better than getting the advice from a nurse!)
My close friend had twin girls and was in hospital for a few weeks because they were too small at first. I wouldn't dare have visited her. I waited until they got home and her husband and her settled for a week and then asked when they would be up for a visit As excited as I was to meet them, I had to respect her space. My other friend and I also made her a picnic basket of things she couldn't eat whilst pregnant. She was tired but delighted.
When my older brother was born, my Greatgrandparents sent the preacher to the hospital to see my Mom. He wouldn't take a hint and leave and back then they were very strict on visitor restrictions. My Dad didn't get a chance to see his wife on the day his first child was born. When she went in to have me, Dad was filling out the intake paperwork and when it got to religion, he put down Vulcan. He told the nurse that unless they had a Vulcan priest he'd better not see any clergy in his wife's room or they'd be going out the window. Pretty sure maternity is still on the 4th floor of that hospital, but it's been 40 years.
I've heard stories of doctors having to throw MILs out of the labour/delivery room bc of disruptive behaviour. Childbirth is not a spectator sport! If you're not there to support the mother, then what are you doing there?
If someone makes you feel bad because they won't respect your reasonable wishes then they don't deserve to see the baby. If they want to call you selfish or dramatic, let them, while being far away from you and the baby lol.
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honestly, shes right. my mom was super tired after my brother, and my godmother, dad and i were the only ones allowed at first
My baby was in the NICU ward and I didnt want any visitors in the hospital because I was an absolute state and didnt want people to see me like that. I even had a midwife, a "professional" come in and talk to me like a child about how selfish I was being having no visitors! Then instead of going home and enjoying my new baby, I went home to a load of angry people demanding reasons why they weren't allowed to come to the hospital. Honestly people can be so entitled and having a baby really reveals how selfish others can be to a new mother.
I'm not a mother and never will be...but I sympathize with women who have to deal with families like this.... at the end of the day it's your child... they have no rights... also in this day and age having people around a newborn is dangerous...most would have come in off the streets where God knows what germs sticking to them.... its ignorance on the part of the visitor to think they should be upset that you dont want them in just yet....
I remember my in-laws arrived and there was a big festive bubble going on, after which they turned on the tv to watch an international soccer match. I never realized how much that went straight over every boundary I had until today. Thank you. As much as I understand the passionate longings to see the new arrival, I am all for giving the newly born baby, mom and dad some space 🙏🏻 Such a good post. Thank you.
Alright, just because one or a few people don't like it doesn't mean everyone doesn't. I loved having visitors after I had my babies.
When I went to nursing school, I had intended to go into labor and delivery not because I wanted to work with the babies(like most people assumed), but because I wanted to protect the mamas. Everyone gets so focused on the baby that the mother is ignored, forgotten, or even talked down to. I was going to be the old battle ax nurse who stood in front of the door with my arms crossed, saying NO to sweet old Great Aunt Louisa who claimed it would be "just a quick visit". I had seen a good friend get not-so-good care from some of the nurses when she had her 2 children, both via unplanned C-section. I ended up on a different path, but I'm not dead yet...
I am so sorry about all these moms having to deal with this idiotic drama. My best friend and my lovely mom-in-law were there to help with the first birth, but were non-interfering and quietly out of the way. It was just my husband and me with #2. And of course the nurses et al. I can't imagine anyone trying to push in to see the baby the second it pops out. My parents waiting for 10 days to come see me and I was so grateful they were that patient.
The writer makes a good point - people should be considerate and caring of a new mom, ensuring that she has rest and privacy. But must these articles always have such a snarky tone? Friends and family are excited and joyful about new babies - instead of this angsty post, maybe just kindly say, "the new mom needs to rest for a few days but the moment we're up for visitors, we'll let you know."
Family and kinship can be extremely toxic! Most of the big family members think they are first, they know everything better and you should accept that. My Mom broke into our room when we first bath our first son and she tried to show how a baby should be bathed etc. etc. Then my wife said her to leave the room immediately and do not disturb us at all! She was right. Since then my Mom tries to do everything to ruin our small family, mocking my wife, use psychological terror, she acts like she knows everything better than my wife as a mom and we didn't even know our children well, tries to raise doubts in me toward my wife etc. etc. As a father and husband I'll do everything to protect my small family, to protect my wife and children but realizing after nearly 37 years that your parents are selfish and evil sociopaths is kinda sad. As a child I've never realized how toxic they were in my childhood.
I remember 36 years ago, I gave birth to my first born. I asked my husband not to let anyone in the room after I gave birth. In comes the fu*cking pastor and wife, father and mother in law for a blessing. I was in pain and I didn't want to see anyone just after I was wheeled in from the birthing room. Oh how I hated them. ALL OF THEM. My husband tried to stop them, so did the nurses.
I worry about that a lot. I have been married for two years and my mother in law is a nurse. Whenever we talk about children, she must talk about her huge experience with nurseries and how much she wants to be around to take care of my baby. I hate that idea.
I was out sleep during both my births because I was tired and doped up. So, I needed someone to be there and if there were visitors again, I was sleep and doped up.
I had my first child in the hospital. My husband didn't have time to visit because he was building a roof on the house of friends. On sunday he finally came to visit only to run away immediately because he forgot he had something cooking on the stove. By the time I could go home he came to fetch me and the baby. But he stopped at his parents first to show us off. I was so tired! I just wanted to go home!
Your friends and husband suck. Priorities: baby>roof
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...why would you even want to see a brand new baby (unless it was yours)? They're a weird colour and their oversized heads are all squashed weird for the first little while! No thanks.
I have seen a newborn baby in the hospital (two actually if you count my brother but I was too young to appreciate that). They are weird looking but incredible. The little fingers and toes. It’s hard to believe a human being can be that tiny.
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Some people would be grateful they have a healthy baby and such a strong support system and people who love them. I guess this woman would have been happier with more pics of herself and no visitors. To each their own. Maybe let friends and family know ahead of time that they're not welcome so you won't be put through that.
The younger your baby, the more facebook likes I will get when I post the picture of me and your baby on facebook. Stop being so selfish. You had this baby so I can get my likes!
Tiffany Koonter's response had me gobsmacked. Seven years of cutting off contact over a few days of waiting??? Seriously? Because seeing the kid at five days old instead of five hours was so heart-breaking? Are they planning to take this petty c**p to their graves?
There are weird people like this. My mother is still salty about me not having wanted to go to ballet when I was five. I'm thirty...
Load More Replies... Seems like a very personal issue to you. Everyone in my family was very clear about visitors and how they where not allowed in the hospital, not on certain days/hours at home, etc. No problems at all. We always get cards with texts like 'mommy and the baby sleep from 2 to 4pm' or something like that, which means you don't visit at those times.
Exactly. Setting up expectations in advance with clear communication isn't a universal skill, but a great one and can/should be learned! You can be direct and assertive while being kind.
Load More Replies... My mother and grandmother have always told me that it is impolite to visit someone that had just given birth unless you were invited and I have always followed that rule. I will watch the older spawn if needed (for my best girlfriend, I kept her older two until she got home) or I will send a meal over, and I will text and check in with them, but I DO NOT VISIT UNTIL INVITED. Then I go over to visit and take the little nugget and sniff its head and kiss its cheeks and bite its toes until told to stop.
This! My family and my inlaws all waited till we were home and then waited to be invited. We waited till we had been home a whole 24 hrs before invites went out and then we got swarmed. I believe I took a nap during that time cause I don't remember it
Load More Replies... When my twins were born in 1986 they were 6 weeks premi so they were in humidicribs for about 6 days. I was having a break and when I returned the nurses had taken the youngest one out of the crib and gave her to my husbands mother for her first cuddle. It might sound really petty but I was bloody devastated. Some people just don't think. The other little girl was handed to her father which didn't upset me as much but it still hurt like hell. At no time the whole 24 hours before while I was expressing milk for them and sitting by their cribs did anyone tell me they were going to be coming out :( .
It isn't petty at all - totally understand why you were devastated.
Load More Replies... My ex MIL, from Eastern Europe, was escorted from the hospital when she arrived within hours of my first son being born to take "her" baby home.
My mom hated visitors, but she has to deal with ALL of them (including dad's coworkers, and both tried to stop them). I never forgot her horror tales, so, for my friends sakes, I wait not just a couple of days, but to be call. And they all do call: I'm ready for you to come and meet the baby! So, I prepare A LOT OF FOOD, and I go there (with a crochet-something I made. if it's cold, a hoodie, if it's hot, a little animal) and I CLEAN their houses and now I'm sure that at least they are going to have several homemade healthy dinners and less mess. Because it's messy, and they are tired, and they need help. Of course I will hold the babies, but you just have to be CERTAIN that the mother is OK with that. Do yourself useful in this critical and highly sentimental moment. If you can't: just don't go, just wait.
My mother and sister wanted to see my newborn baby and stay over for a couple days too, when I said no I got an earful from them. Including my (childless) sister telling me that having a baby was not an excuse to not let them stay over
Oh lordie, did they actually expect you to cook and clean for them, too??? It would be tempting to put them in the same room as the baby and hand them a bottle, diapers/nappies and a list of housekeeping tasks.
Load More Replies... You know what, if I have "family" who would stop talking to me just because I told them to wait a while before meeting the new baby... I would gladly let it remain that way and just not talk to them forever.
Are yOU F****N KIDDING ME?! People get mad over such a simple request?!
YES. I don't have children, but I've never visited my friends in hospital. A text message is enough. And I've always waited for things to be settled in the home too, before visiting.
Same here. I'm an aunt of 4 (3 from my sister, 1 from my sister-in-law) and I always waited for the appropriate moment / invitation, which was never at the hospital, but at home, when everything is settled down and the family with the newborn is ready to have visits.
Load More Replies... Had my ex wife's mother show up to the birth of my daughter with my wife. Ok, fine, I can be polite....but then she decided she was staying for the birth. Which quickly turned into a "hell no!" and when I told her to leave she freaked out on me (I actually had to get security to take her out of the room). Even my ex was asking her why she thought it was ok to stay, and we hate each other!
I'm childfree by choice and happy with that but the idea of someone not respecting a new mother's wishes about spending time with her new baby that was literally just born... That just f*****g disgusts and horrifies me. There's boundaries that you just don't cross and when someone says they don't want visitors in a hospital for any reason (though especially new mums) you need to f*****g let go of what you want and give them what they want. No means No in all situations. New Mum says "No visitors" or "Wait a few days" you f*****g wait!
My oldest was a very difficult birth , both physically and emotionally. It was just myself and my husband, and he went back to work,so that he had more time to spend with us at home. It was hard hearing the woman across the hall getting visitors. My next two children were easier births, but we also had family there.We had moved closer and family had retired. I had also set boundaries. Mother in law was there to take care of older kids, clean, etc. not to take care of baby! Dad had spoken with her and it really never became an issue. It helps to have a great partner/ father.
While I was reading that wonderful piece I kept thinking, "Women: is there anything they can't do"? As a guy I think the ladies are the stronger sex, not so much physically, but stronger in other areas, like they can shoot out a small humans from their bodies, and they have a built in feeding system. Can guys do that? If a guy went through what Katie did, well...it won't ever happen. But if it did, can you imagine....? We don't give women half the credit they deserve. It's about time we did and stop all this misogyny bull. /
I had no visitors and felt really lonely. My husband came in for an hour a day, complained how bored he was and left.
Well that sucks. Sorry to hear that you were so lonely. Virtual hugs for you.
Load More Replies... My brother and his wife just had a brand new baby Monday night. She is GORGEOUS and I desperately want to get my hands on her. But my kids and I are waiting until the weekend because I know how important this time is for them. She'll still be just as adorable and I won't feel like I'm intruding on something that really should be private and special. I am crazy excited though. Have I mentioned she's adorable!?!
This isn’t a universal feeling at all. My wife loved guests within an hour of giving birth and welcomed all her family multiple times in the hospital for the next few days. It all depends on the person.
Is this an American problem or does it exist in other countries, too? I wouldn't have dreamt to go into the HOSPITAL to visit a new mom and baby. Much lless walk straight into the delivery room. Wtf is wrong with people?? I feel very lucky that one of my closest freinds (who had a planned cesarian - which was painful but didn't leave her as gutwrenchingly exhausted as all my other friends) allowed me to visit her when the child was three days old. All other babies I saw at one or two weeks old.The seven years comment left me speechless. Honestly, who wants bitches like that in their lives, in the first place. Good riddance.
Unpopular opinion: Was something stopping her from being able to communicate that she didn't want to see anyone for the first two days? Sorry Mom, but you have to put up your own boundaries, not expect everyone around you to be psychic and know what you want. I had one person - my mother- the day after I gave birth and that was because I invited her. I had no visitors at the house for several days. Period. Set up expectations ahead of time so everyone knows what the deal is, and then stick to them.
Not that simple in some families. Don't you know how easily some people get offended? People think that you are keeping the baby from them. I didn't have any visitors that I didn't want but when I got home my sister was hovering and I just wanted to spend alone time with my husband and baby. I asked her to give us time and she talked so bad about me to our sister. I did nothing wrong except ask her to not come in my room. And when you ask your family not to kiss your baby they act like you just told them you think they are disgusting with poor hygiene. No, I just don't want my baby to get sick. Germs.
Load More Replies... They had me on decent meds. I didn't care who visited me the 3 days per birth that I was in the hospital.
This even applies in the first few weeks after birth. My MIL insisted on bringing her friends over even though I'd had no sleep at all and had only just got bub to sleep so I could rest myself. She wouldn't take no for an answer. By the time they left bub was awake again and I'd had no rest. I sobbed for ages
When I gave birth to my second child I was in and out of hospital inside 6hrs and back home to look after my new baby, my 17month old and my home. So .... ya know ... I would have been grateful for a couple of visitors to help share the load. With my first baby, I nearly died and my baby was in Special Baby Care unit. I had a very enthusiastic 'crowd' outside the window and had to insist the curtains be closed while I was giving birth. I smile with love that they were so keen to 'see' the delivery! I was horrified at the thought at the time of course. No woman wants to be seen like that. Meanwhile I thank the moon and the stars for them because when they went home they were called back to help with various things after my health deteriorated and my baby went into the special baby care unit. My husband couldn't be reached as he was in some kind of post birth coma (asleep at home). My husbands family and my mum were there for me when I really needed them. They did come around again when I eventually got to come home with my new baby and yes it was an exhausting day BUT I needed those guests and was grateful for their interest. It is far better than having no interest and no help. Lots of people do not have family who care, you should stop being so petty and ungrateful. I guarantee you won't be so resentful of their presence when you need a sitter, a break, some help.
So nicely and well said. I can imagine that many of those same people complaining about friends and family visiting will Gladly take those same peoples help, dinners, babysitting for free
Load More Replies... The fact that people want to see a baby fresh outta the womb baffles the s**t out of me. They all look exactly the same at that age, you're not seeing anything new. Plus they're super, SUPER vulnerable to germs right when they're born so a bunch of people touching and slobbering all over the baby is like, you trying to kill this thing or what? Go away unless someone asks for you, seriously.
I think all decisions have to be made on an individual basis not everyone has a partners support or some people want a mothers help. Parents decision needs to be supported at all times it's their baby
I don't have kids, and I don't want any, so I thought new moms would appreciate having visitors in the room so they don't feel alone. This article proved me wrong! Also, I have a theory that people really want to see the baby as soon as possible because they're impatient. It is really hard to be patient. But that doesn't justify visiting if the mother doesn't allow.
Some moms do like having visitors. (I was one) I think the safest course is just to ask, and make it clear that you won't be offended either way.
Load More Replies... So... gf delivered at night, we were in the room at maybe 4:00... and then the next morning every few minutes somebody came to our room. Doctors, nurses, nursing advisor, photographer, somebody from church... was difficult for her to catch sleep, not because of family, but because of the hospital routines. For a normal, unproblematic birth.
I had the problem too. It was the breastfeeding Nazis that kept barging in annoying me. They need to do a better job of wrangling those volunteers.
Load More Replies... I’m going to say it, why be so dramatic? If you don’t want any visitors let everyone know before hand. Who cares what they think about it. I don’t get why so many people can’t just say what’s on their mind In this day and age. You didn’t let everyone know you wanted alone time with the baby for a few days, and then you complained about it afterwards like they were supposed to be mind readers or something. That’s what gets me. Not the fact you wanted alone time but you expected everyone to just assume. Then when no one called you or showed up, you would have been complaining that you had no support or that no one cared about you or your new baby during this time. How is anyone suppose to know? I’m someone that doesn’t care how many people come and see the baby. I made my labor a party and had as many people as possible. I didn’t care. I’m chill like that. How are they supposed to know what kind of labor mom you are?
If you've never been in labor before, how are you supposed to know what kind of "labor mom" you are? I couldn't have kids, so all I've ever heard of about child birth is "how beautiful and special it is" and "yes, it hurts, but as soon as it's over and you see your baby, all of that is forgotten about." So how the hell would I know to expect all that? And while I (honestly) am glad for you that you have such a blunt and up front disposition and didn't mind party or audience, not everyone has such a bold constitution. Especially with demanding family and in laws. At least now women who might be a little more shy about things can know they aren't alone, they can get a bit more of an idea of what to expect, and, more importantly perhaps, know that it's okay to set these boundaries and that having an audience is an option, not a requirement, they aren't obligated to subject themselves to things they aren't comfortable with.
Load More Replies... When my first baby was born, I had hubby in the room with me after I kicked my mom out because I wasn't at my best and didn't want to be swearing in front of her. She was upset & hurt that she couldn't be there during birth. However, all 20 of our closest immediate family was standing outside the room during birth. During mid-stitch of my lower bits, my doctor was called across the hall to assist with another birth. While she was away, the nurse pulled a blanket across me and invited the 20 family members into the room. Blood all over the floor, a needle literally sticking halfway through my lady parts and the placenta in a dish right between my legs (hidden by the blanket, but still.) Had visitors while the baby was barely 5 minutes old. After that fiasco, the next births were quieter and I found my voice to tell people to give me enough time to at least get the stitches finished up first. What an ordeal!!
I specifically told everyone that I wanted no visitors during the birth as I did not want people seeing me like that and I'm a very private person. Didnt stop my mother from barging into my room while I was sleeping (had just had an epidural and first sleep in 3 days!) and wake me up. She then stood outside my door throughout the birth and then brought up stories of my screams in front of other family members while laughing about it! It was very embarrassing.
Load More Replies... AS a rule, I never visit any one who has just given birth. After having kids myself and knows what it feels like to have people wonder in and out of your room as if the new baby is their property, I never ever visit a new mom in hospital. I'll wait until they are at home and then ask if it is okay to come and visit. I also help with preparing dinners or cleaning if she will allow me to do so.
There is plenty of time to visit, that baby is there to stay, there is no need to rush, let the woman and family rest, adapt, get together. Call, ask if she needs help with anything, if she doesn't, stay away from the f* house for at least 40 days and visit later. No need to bombard the baby's fragile immune system with viruses and bacteria. The only exception to this for me would be those closest ones, parents and siblings, though after labour #3 and staph infection the baby had on her head, I would seriously limit even their visits. Sorry but at this point, my baby and I are top priority now, if you can't or don't want to understand that, screw you.
Every situation different. My birth experience was long and painful bot I didn't care who came to hospital to see me and new baby. (No one.) Home is when I wanted no visitors just sleep. I was exhausted and so was baby. I had to put sign in window to say "mommy and baby sleeping. please don't knock".
I looked forward to friends visiting, it can get pretty lonely between feedings! I was just so thrilled to have my baby, and I had no problem breastfeeding, so I guess I was just lucky. ( BTW having a doula to teach you breastfeeding is generally better than getting the advice from a nurse!)
My close friend had twin girls and was in hospital for a few weeks because they were too small at first. I wouldn't dare have visited her. I waited until they got home and her husband and her settled for a week and then asked when they would be up for a visit As excited as I was to meet them, I had to respect her space. My other friend and I also made her a picnic basket of things she couldn't eat whilst pregnant. She was tired but delighted.
When my older brother was born, my Greatgrandparents sent the preacher to the hospital to see my Mom. He wouldn't take a hint and leave and back then they were very strict on visitor restrictions. My Dad didn't get a chance to see his wife on the day his first child was born. When she went in to have me, Dad was filling out the intake paperwork and when it got to religion, he put down Vulcan. He told the nurse that unless they had a Vulcan priest he'd better not see any clergy in his wife's room or they'd be going out the window. Pretty sure maternity is still on the 4th floor of that hospital, but it's been 40 years.
I've heard stories of doctors having to throw MILs out of the labour/delivery room bc of disruptive behaviour. Childbirth is not a spectator sport! If you're not there to support the mother, then what are you doing there?
If someone makes you feel bad because they won't respect your reasonable wishes then they don't deserve to see the baby. If they want to call you selfish or dramatic, let them, while being far away from you and the baby lol.
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honestly, shes right. my mom was super tired after my brother, and my godmother, dad and i were the only ones allowed at first
My baby was in the NICU ward and I didnt want any visitors in the hospital because I was an absolute state and didnt want people to see me like that. I even had a midwife, a "professional" come in and talk to me like a child about how selfish I was being having no visitors! Then instead of going home and enjoying my new baby, I went home to a load of angry people demanding reasons why they weren't allowed to come to the hospital. Honestly people can be so entitled and having a baby really reveals how selfish others can be to a new mother.
I'm not a mother and never will be...but I sympathize with women who have to deal with families like this.... at the end of the day it's your child... they have no rights... also in this day and age having people around a newborn is dangerous...most would have come in off the streets where God knows what germs sticking to them.... its ignorance on the part of the visitor to think they should be upset that you dont want them in just yet....
I remember my in-laws arrived and there was a big festive bubble going on, after which they turned on the tv to watch an international soccer match. I never realized how much that went straight over every boundary I had until today. Thank you. As much as I understand the passionate longings to see the new arrival, I am all for giving the newly born baby, mom and dad some space 🙏🏻 Such a good post. Thank you.
Alright, just because one or a few people don't like it doesn't mean everyone doesn't. I loved having visitors after I had my babies.
When I went to nursing school, I had intended to go into labor and delivery not because I wanted to work with the babies(like most people assumed), but because I wanted to protect the mamas. Everyone gets so focused on the baby that the mother is ignored, forgotten, or even talked down to. I was going to be the old battle ax nurse who stood in front of the door with my arms crossed, saying NO to sweet old Great Aunt Louisa who claimed it would be "just a quick visit". I had seen a good friend get not-so-good care from some of the nurses when she had her 2 children, both via unplanned C-section. I ended up on a different path, but I'm not dead yet...
I am so sorry about all these moms having to deal with this idiotic drama. My best friend and my lovely mom-in-law were there to help with the first birth, but were non-interfering and quietly out of the way. It was just my husband and me with #2. And of course the nurses et al. I can't imagine anyone trying to push in to see the baby the second it pops out. My parents waiting for 10 days to come see me and I was so grateful they were that patient.
The writer makes a good point - people should be considerate and caring of a new mom, ensuring that she has rest and privacy. But must these articles always have such a snarky tone? Friends and family are excited and joyful about new babies - instead of this angsty post, maybe just kindly say, "the new mom needs to rest for a few days but the moment we're up for visitors, we'll let you know."
Family and kinship can be extremely toxic! Most of the big family members think they are first, they know everything better and you should accept that. My Mom broke into our room when we first bath our first son and she tried to show how a baby should be bathed etc. etc. Then my wife said her to leave the room immediately and do not disturb us at all! She was right. Since then my Mom tries to do everything to ruin our small family, mocking my wife, use psychological terror, she acts like she knows everything better than my wife as a mom and we didn't even know our children well, tries to raise doubts in me toward my wife etc. etc. As a father and husband I'll do everything to protect my small family, to protect my wife and children but realizing after nearly 37 years that your parents are selfish and evil sociopaths is kinda sad. As a child I've never realized how toxic they were in my childhood.
I remember 36 years ago, I gave birth to my first born. I asked my husband not to let anyone in the room after I gave birth. In comes the fu*cking pastor and wife, father and mother in law for a blessing. I was in pain and I didn't want to see anyone just after I was wheeled in from the birthing room. Oh how I hated them. ALL OF THEM. My husband tried to stop them, so did the nurses.
I worry about that a lot. I have been married for two years and my mother in law is a nurse. Whenever we talk about children, she must talk about her huge experience with nurseries and how much she wants to be around to take care of my baby. I hate that idea.
I was out sleep during both my births because I was tired and doped up. So, I needed someone to be there and if there were visitors again, I was sleep and doped up.
I had my first child in the hospital. My husband didn't have time to visit because he was building a roof on the house of friends. On sunday he finally came to visit only to run away immediately because he forgot he had something cooking on the stove. By the time I could go home he came to fetch me and the baby. But he stopped at his parents first to show us off. I was so tired! I just wanted to go home!
Your friends and husband suck. Priorities: baby>roof
Load More Replies... ...why would you even want to see a brand new baby (unless it was yours)? They're a weird colour and their oversized heads are all squashed weird for the first little while! No thanks.
I have seen a newborn baby in the hospital (two actually if you count my brother but I was too young to appreciate that). They are weird looking but incredible. The little fingers and toes. It’s hard to believe a human being can be that tiny.
Load More Replies... Some people would be grateful they have a healthy baby and such a strong support system and people who love them. I guess this woman would have been happier with more pics of herself and no visitors. To each their own. Maybe let friends and family know ahead of time that they're not welcome so you won't be put through that.
The younger your baby, the more facebook likes I will get when I post the picture of me and your baby on facebook. Stop being so selfish. You had this baby so I can get my likes!
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