Family Has A Strict “Clean Your Plate” Rule For Their Kids And Try To Enforce It On Friend’s Child As Well, But Mom Is Not Having It
Every family has their own household rules. Take off your shoes as soon as you come inside. Make sure you always put the toilet seat down. No cell phones at the dinner table. No TV after 9pm. In your own home, you are allowed to enforce whatever rules you see fit. But parents have to understand that as soon as they are in a different setting or hosting another friend’s kid, they might not be able to have full control.
Last week, one mother reached out to MumsNet wondering if she was being unreasonable for not wanting to enforce the same mealtime rules as her friend when all of their kids are eating together. Below, you can read the full story and decide for yourself which mother you agree with. Let us know in the comments how you feel about these eating rules, and then if you’re looking for another Bored Panda piece about parenting drama, check out this story next.
One mother recently wondered if she was being unreasonable for not wanting to enforce her friend’s eating rules on her daughter
Image credits: Kampus Production (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Kampus Production (not the actual photo)
Despite both households having different expectations, the mother’s friend insisted on all of their children following her rules when they eat together
Food rules can be a sensitive topic. On one hand, parents have their children’s best interest at heart when they enforce rules like the need to clear their plate or limitations on desserts. They just want to ensure their kids are nourished properly and that they never go hungry. But what a lot of adults tend to forget is that children are incredibly intuitive. They have not had decades of conditioning from diet culture telling them what to eat when or how much of it they’re “allowed” to have. Kids just listen to their bodies, and they know to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. Something that everyone should know how to do, but sometimes diet culture, pressure to lose weight, societal expectations and histories of disordered eating cloud our body’s judgment. And developing the habit of eating an entire plate of food regardless of whether you are hungry or not is a surefire way to lose sight of your hunger cues.
Using dessert as a reward is also a dangerous game. It can lead children to develop a scarcity mentality around foods like cookies and candy where they feel they have to eat as much as they possibly can when they have access, before it gets taken away. When foods like desserts or chips are put on a pedestal, kids can also feel shame and guilt around eating them. It is also common for people who perpetuate diet culture to assign moral weight to certain foods, for example, having a salad is a good, “clean” choice while eating a slice of pizza is “cheating” or “being bad”. Treating sugary or high fat foods drastically differently than fruits and vegetables can lead to kids craving the “forbidden” foods even more and feeling like healthy foods are boring and gross.
One of the most vital reasons for parents to ensure their children have a healthy relationship with food is to lower their risk of developing an eating disorder. According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (or ANAD), 9% of the world’s population is affected by various eating disorders. And while this issue is not often talked about, as it is still considered taboo to some people, it can lead to devastating consequences. “Eating disorders are among the deadliest mental illnesses, second only to opioid overdose,” reports ANAD. It is so vital that parents allow their kids to listen to their bodies and learn how to nourish them without any pressure to fixate on certain foods or how their body looks.
While both mothers mentioned in this post just want the best for their children, there is a way to go about it without forcing someone else’s kids to abide by the rules of your household. As the replies show, most readers are on the side of this concerned mother who refuses to use food as a threat or reward. We’d love to hear in the comments how you feel about this situation and how you would react in this mother’s shoes. Did your parents set rules around food when you were a kid?
Readers reassured the concerned mother that she is right to defend her daughter and put her foot down
369Kviews
Share on Facebook
Besides the food issues that have already been discussed, what about the valuable lesson of life's not fair? The friend wants to impose her rules on everyone because she wants to "make everything fair for the kids". Wel, life's not fair and kids need to learn that also, and respect people's different choices and decisions.
In my house, we only eat sugary things on weekends (starting Friday night because we have dinner with friends) so dessert is usually just some cut up fruit if we have it at all. My daughter sees other people eating ice cream or whatever it is on a Wednesday, and I just tell her other people have different rules. She's 100% fine with that.
Load More Replies...
There was a story on someone who had this rule "If you take it, finish it, if someone gives, try it, but you are not obligated to finish." Also, setting boundaries for dessert. I love pudding too, but everyday is too much.
Yup this is my rule. if the portion is set (you cant reduce it), my kids are not obligated to finish it. but if they take it, they have to finish it. i teach them to take smaller portion, and they can take seconds if they still hungry. food waste is a problem everywhere and we should try to minimize it.
Load More Replies...
Why are you all serving the food to the kids? Put the food on the table, let everyone serve themselves, portions they can handle like we Asians do. We take only as much as we can eat, the rest of the food is leftovers for another day !why the hullabaloo?
That sounds good in theory, and I'd do that, but my step kids never learned to do this. So, despite all my efforts, they will heap their plates too full and then want to throw out their less than half eaten food. I do not allow waste, so if they show me they can't be responsible, then I serve them their food, but also communicate, asking if they want just a very small portion or a little more to start. Usually by the time they get to seconds, they aren't being greedy anymore and can manage serving themselves. With their friends who visit, it's often far worse. Most kids grow up on junk food. In our house, it's healthy food. So, very small portions to try new foods, talking like a small bite, and a normal serving if they like it and will eat it. I do the same even at parties. You wouldn't believe how much food gets thrown out at parties because no one is supervising what the children are taking.
Load More Replies...
This is dumb and just promotes unhealthy eating habits. Eat until full, save room for desert if you want to and pack the rest up for later. If you eat a small amount you will be hungry in an hour or two anyway.
No one said she HAD to finish her plate, only that if she did not, no dessert. Makes complete sense...at her home. Also, if a 6 year old plates her own food and knows to have dessert, she has to finish it then she will learn to serve herself better. If someone else is (and they probably are) plating the food THEN PLATE LESS!
I have so many issues with food, and many of them start with the expectation that I would eat everything I was served. Parents, please don't do this with (to) your kids. As for the OP, maybe suggest to the friend that smaller initial portions might be an acceptable compromise.
I grew up during a civil war. My parents had no money to feed me and my sister. We HAD to finish all food on our plates. My sister is too thin, and I am the complete oposite. Even in my 30s I have to fight the mindset of eating everything on my plate, even if I'm full or don't like the food. Now that I'm a mom, and my kid is underweight, I'll never make her eat more than she would like. My job is to teach her to listen to her body and love it. Let's stop the madness.
Stop serving kids. Teach them to take their own servings and teach them to start with small amounts. They can go for seconds if they are still hungry after eating the first bit. They learn how much they prefer and are never forced to eat more than they need. People need a healthier relationship with food.
My mother would punish me by sending me to bed without food. She would punish my sister by forcing her to eat everything off her plate. I suffered from malnutrition and my sister has always been overweight. I recently had to force my mother to give up her dog because she would punish her dog by starving it to make it not pee or poo in the house instead of training her dog with love the poor dog was up to 3-4 accidents a day. Punishment system never works as well as a reward system.
The woman is right to be angry, if her child has to follow the clean plate rule at her friend's house then the friend has to follow her rules at her house. But I do agree with the comments reprimanding the woman's style. If leaving food on the plate is a regular occurrence at her house then she is clearly putting too much food on her daughter's plate. Or the daughter is clearly leaving food on the plate to make room for pudding which is bad. Plus pudding everyday is bad for a kid.
Smaller portions if the kid is consistently leaving on their plate. They should only get dessert a few times a week so it’s not a big deal if they don’t eat all their dinner beforehand. But why do people insist that kids clear their plate? It’s a cultural thing. In 1900, people spent 43% of their income on food, 30% in 1950 and about 11 to 13% from 2000 to now. So only a few short generations ago, food was a lot more precious and wasting it had a bigger impact on the family coupled with less ability to store food and reheat it. Our parents and grandparents had to clear their plates because the family could not afford to waste that food or give them something else later. Obesity was not a worry but malnourishment often was. Things have changed but the culture around food has not. If there are food shortages or great inflation around food in the future, the emphasis may change.
What is most concerning in this case is the fact your daughter has such high anxiety when going to your friends house to eat dinner. That in itself is unhealthy for her not to mention the stress you are going through. I agree that perhaps you should consider sharing other activities with your friend either before or after you eat dinner at your own homes. As far as whether or not your daughter eats all of her food is a moot point because every child is different when it comes to appetite and what they will or will not eat. As an adult no one makes us eat all of our food or eat what we don't want so why should children be subjected to this treatment? I have never done this to my children or grandchildren.
Why serve dessert ("pudding") after every meal, especially if you don't want your kids to take a pass on the healthier food? Just stop serving sweets. Have a healthy family meal and be done with it.
My parents tried that and it lead to me stealing and hiding food. (non-perishable). They stopped after they realized it didn't work and tried a different approach. Small amount first and if you want more get more.
Seems like the simplest solution would be to stop eating at each others houses if it's an issue. Whether you agree with requiring the kids to clear the plate or not is right, it's their house and if that's what they want to teach their kids, up to them. Makes sense that if they are trying to teach their kids that, they don't want to then be saying it doesn't apply to other children eating there. If as a parent you don't like your child having to clear the plate, don't let them eat there . Equally, the friend needs to respect that other people don't have to follow her rules in their own homes. There are going to be plenty of times in the future her kids are eating with other people or without her there, so they need to learn that it's the rules for their home. If she doesn't like it, don't eat with other people.
The friend and her husband are pretty bossy. They will have a lot of problems when their kids hit their teenage years
Every point I could make had been addressed. Friend is an ah on many levels.
NTA - but it might be time to stop eating at each other's homes if the friend cannot respect you as a parent. Other activities you can partake in together, easy to take eating together out of it. (I don't make my son clear his plate either, if you check research this can seriously lead to over eating.)
I went off on one of sisters when she tried to force one of my kids to eat everything. It causes an unhealthy relationship with food.
When in Rome... However, eating out or at your house, your kids have every right to live by their own house rules. Also, when at home, let the kids put the food on their own plates. They'll learn portion control better that way as well as what a healthy diet looks like.
My family had this rule. The catch to the rule is that they would always make appropriate sized plates for kids if not smaller then appropriate so that the kids had no excuse to not clean that plate and typically wanted more (even if just a few bites more). The only way they didn’t finish was if they were being picky and strictly wanted dessert. I feel that as long as the portions on the plate are a reasonable size then it’s fine. But sadly I see some people doing adult sized portions and trying to enforce this on small kids and that’s completely u reasonable.
If you are making their plate, then you need to control how much goes on it, and if they can't finish it, it's not the end of the world. If THEY are making their plate, then it's a different story. When I was a kid, my grandparents would always let us make up our own plates (which was fun), and would always say, "Take all you like, but eat all you take." We learned pretty quickly to take less and simply go back for more if still hungry.
I see a number of things going on here which actually have nothing to do with food: 1. A parent who is projecting her own anxiety and obsession with food onto her children (and others). 2. A parent who is trying to manage her anxiety by trying to control others with rules about food that aren't rational. (Eating more food so you can earn the right to eat more food is not rational.) If this woman was a close friend of mine, I would focus on the real issue which seems to be her anxiety. I would ask her out of curiosity and concern where her anxiety about food comes from. What were meals like in her family of origin? Was food used as a reward or punishment? I would help her to see how her past is impacting her present and creating anxiety for your daughter, yourself and likely her kids. I would gently but firmly insist that unless her need for food rules can be resolved, that our get-togethers would need to exclude food going forward. A respectful win-win solution.
It depends on how much food is on her plate. Im a childminder and have the same rule however I give a small portion and then offer more if they want it. I don't give them food I know they don't like and the children know they have a choice and there is no pressure to eat what they don't want. It works for me and the children I look after but I never force anyone anything, it's a choice and I do negotiate and compromise with new children or those that need additional support
Idk why everyone keeps talking about how OP feeds her kid, that wasn't the question. It was about whether or not it's reasonable for her friend to expect OPs kid to follow the "clean your plate" rule in the presence of her kids regardless of where they are eating. It's not. Maybe while daughter is at their house (which tbh I'm iffy on. You shouldn't really force an eating rule on another person's child imo) but definitely not while at your house. The friends kids need to learn different people have different expectations and that life is rarely fair. They might learn to clean a plate but in the grand scheme of things that's a pretty useless life lesson.
I don't understand why small portions aren't employed by more parents with small children. I never put more than a tablespoon of each type of food (that they liked) on my children's plates. If they finished and wanted more they got more. If it was somthing new, it was only a teaspoon sized portion just to try. If they didn't like it, they didn't have to eat it. It worked without mealtime cajoling or drama. If there was going to be dessert and they resisted eating the meal because they were "full" but still had room for dessert, then their meal was covered (without creating drama over it) and put in the fridge until they were hungry enough again and then could have dessert. I rarely had to do that though because they rarely refused to finish a meal. Portion control and knowing your children's likes and limits are the key. Both my children are now healthy young adults who make good food choices.
You can be fun auntie OP where everyone gets dessert lol. Your house your rules though I suppose you can't parent her kids. My sister and I were brought up on clean your plate. With my younger siblings it was more the bargaining for bites, they were so picky. My sister hated having to eat so much and when she was finally old enough to have autonomy over her servings my parents were freaking out convinced that she was anorexic bc she lost a lot of weight. She wasn't, and her body perception was very healthy. She just didn't have the capacity to eat so much comfortably and my parents never thought Abt it that way bc I had no trouble putting it down and she was the difficult child so to speak
The whole idea of cleaning your plate has its roots in poverty. Families/people who have this mindset often come fron backgrounds of poverty... you know... the type of poverty where you don't know where or when you'll get your next meal so best to eat as much as you can now. This can be a learned behavior from generations ago that gets passed down in a family. Just important to note how these behaviors formed in the first place so we can better understand/address them.
What is missing here is she never said who is plating the girl's food? If the girl is portioning her plate herself then as far as I'm concerned she needs to finish all. If the parent or host adult is portioning the girl's plate then phuc their plate cleaning rules of theirs because they are a full tilt AH.
So what happens when your friends allow their teenagers to vape, or to have a glass of wine, and you don't? Or they allow them to wear clothing or makeup that you think is age inappropriate? Or they let them watch movies that you consider too violent or scary or sexual? Short-term, you can avoid a few arguments and tantrums by keeping your kids from seeing that other kids have less strict rules. But in the long term, they need to learn to accept that their parents have rules for them, and those rules don't change just because someone else's parents are more lenient.
Why cant these families not eat at each others houses? They should find another activity. If the kids dont finish their plates just have it for later. And why pudding every night?
Exactly! Why they need to eat together afterall!😂 Each family with their own rules and everybody is happy.
Load More Replies... Figure what your child able to eat and portion accordingly, they can always ask for more. However, and especially if the meal was dinner, no snacks afterwards. Otherwise, they eat less knowing there is a snack, which can lead to weight gain and also sends message that it's ok to expect the people who provide the food and cook to do it on your whim.
I was taught how to negotiate by using food; "one bite of broccoli then can have pudding?" "4 bites" "3?" "Okay!" Didn't develop a bad relationship with food but sure did develop the skills to talk people into things I want (not an awfully good trait to have before grasping the concept of consent)
Her rule applies at her house. Don't like it, don't have her feed your kid. Your rule applies at your house. If she doesn't like it, don't feed her kids. Both rules apply in public settings, like restaurants or parties. Just don't be super in each other's faces about it. Tell her to give your kid comically small portions she can build up to a full meal with if you need to, but otherwise drop this. Bombing her with articles about how she's a bad parent who is giving her kids eating disorders will be a point of no return. The friendship would be over and an antagonistic hatred would be born. It would be pretty easy for her to turn all other parents against you for doing that. Even the ones who likewise dislike clear your plate rules.
I think her house, her rules… at your house, your rules. If you’re going to your friends for dinner prepare your child and either give small portions or bring her something to eat from your house. You and your friend need to have a conversation beyond the one you did and if she’s too adamant about her rules only regarding food maybe it’s time to distance yourself.
And this is exactly why no kids come to my home without their parents except my nieces and nephews being raised with similar values. People are full of c**p. When did we stop respecting the rules in another person's home? When did we stop teaching our children to bear things out understanding that it won't last forever??? The kid doesn't live there. This parent had the opportunity to teach a life lesson to their child instead they chose to complain and teach the child through their actions that the world is expected to bend to accommodate you at all times. This kind of parenting has helped to create the mess that the world is today. Yes, this is an unpopular opinion. Many will object while they continue to whine about the selfishness that has led to the burgeoning issue of homelessness and despair all around us. Smh.
I once guilted & shamed one o' my daughters when she didn't want to eat one night. She mealy-mouthed a few bites ( under duress.) Later that night she had severe pain & wound up in hospital w/ acute appendicitis. I NEVER insisted any o' m' children clean their plates after that. I'd rules bout complaining & bein rude- just leave it. I'd also let them pick a raw vegetable from the fridge if they really hated the veggies I prepared. I'd 5 bio kids & 2 steps & it just isn't a hill ya wanna die on LOL.
a little on the fence here. We all know kids have and would eat the minimum to have the desert. Rarely had desert when I was a kid but if there was, you can't say you are full except for desert. Having to clean your plate before you leave a table well that is a little different. I have dairy sensitivity, not alergic but don't feel good after, hated cheese since childhood. I have been forced to eat grill cheese and can't even look at it to this day.
NTA. What decade did this mother grow up in? The 1940s? I didn't think anyone still forced their kids to "clean their plate". The last time I ever heard that rule was in 1985. I was at a boyfriend's house, and I was told not to take more than I could eat. I'd never been told by my parents that I had to eat everything on my plate, so I, unknowingly, took more than I could eat. His parents were not happy. I was 19, and my boyfriend was 21, but he had younger siblings, and his family had less money than mine did. That is the first time I ever equated that rule to families with tight finances. I was just thinking about this the other night, too. I have a picky tummy, probably IBS. So my mom also knew what I'd eaten during the day, and how much food I could eat at dinner, and we didn't have worry about money. No, your kid should not have to clean her plate, even when she eats at your friend's house. I, personally, find the archaic "clean plate club" barbaric.
Forcing to empty their plate while having enough is a recipe for eating disorders. NTA. Your kid could have less food on her plate to start with. But you cannot force another human to eat when she is having enough. What about bodily integrity?
Sometimes I also stop eating to leave some room for dessert. Why should children be forced to clean their plates, when sometimes even adults cannot. A dessert isn't a reward for emptying the plate...it's part of the "menu". Forcing someone to eat after they're full, is not only mean, but also unhealthy. Stomach volume can increase, if this happens continuously. As a result, you "have to" eat more, to feel full. You take in more, than your body actually needs... and that can lead to overweight.
Rule of thumb: Make a fist and that is the size of your stomach., adults and children both. Start out small for your child and if she finishes that then if she wants seconds, great. I always told my kids they wouldn't have to worry if they took small portions of food, there was always enough food and desert if they wanted it. Force feeding children is wrong and makes it uncomfortable for the child and everyone else at the table. I would avoid meals at your friend's house from now on.
Food is never a "reward". A treat yes. I always tried to make sure my boys had a reasonably balanced diet throughout the days and weeks. I didn't always offer a dessert or pudding but when I do I never make them finish their plate just for dessert. As a kid I could never figure this rule out, ok so you want me to eat till I am way passed full and then I can have dessert? That made no sense then and it still doesn't. I struggled with my weight since my teens. Now, If I want dessert I stop eating before I am full so I don't over do it. I have instilled the same in my kids. Because it is a non issue they sometimes have their dessert a little later because they are full from supper or sometimes they stop eating what is on the plate and have dessert. 3 grown children later and I am proud that my boys don't have the same food issues I struggled with.
My dad would tell me to clean my plate and often yell at me to eat. He would also yank my out of my chair and whip me for not eating, then yell at me to eat or I would get another whipping. Mom couldn't stop him. Then I would be crying and he would tell me to dry up and eat. One night, mom made me sit there for 2 hours until I finished my food. When I wouldn't eat, it was because I was already full. Mom would give me adult portions, fishing out 2 to 3 tablespoons full. Later in life I became a terrible sugar addict. I know I was stuffing my feelings down.
My children were told to take one bite and if they didn't like it they didn't have to eat it. This made for less headaches and as they grew up they were allowed to fill their own plate. Adults need to think portion sizes when filling the child's plate. If this is such a big problem they need to stop eating together period.
I was forced to eat everything on my plate as a child (we also never had dessert) and I still have food issues to this day. My mom is usually the one who put the food on my plate at meal times. In my tween years she then harassed me about my weight when she herself was fat. My mother had an unhealthy relationship with food so when she was in her late 50's early 60's she had gastric bypass. I don't have the money to have that kind of medical procedure. Due to this and many other reasons (controlling, demeaning, and a gaslighter) I don't have a relationship with my mom right now.
Ppl keep talking about food waste. OP and most commenters sounds British, (tea time, pudding, etc), so I'm assuming they have refrigerators like most of us here in the USA do. Do people not put away small portions of food for later? If my son had a significant amount of food left on his plate, we always just stick it in a little Tupperware for later. When he's hungry he goes and heats it up himself. He's had his own little spot in the fridge he could access on his own since he was about three, and now that he's older (11) he knows anything in a leftover container is fair game. He can also cook, we share a meal most days, but he can get his own food and tends to make healthy choices because mostly that's what's available. He's physically quite healthy, an adventurous eater, and people comment all the time on what a "good eater" he is, which I always find weird like...saying someone's good at breathing or something. We kinda have to keep doing it to live? Quit giving kids complexes!
First of all, children should be plated an under amount for the individual child. For reasons of waste and to avoid bad eating habits of any kind. Second, no one will ever enforce their rules in my house. I make it clear in advance what my rules are (very few really) if a parent doesn't agree than your child probably shouldn't come over. I honestly have never encountered something like this bc I am a very direct person which seems to intimidate people. Still thier kids come to my house so if they do things differently than me I wouldn't know. My kids know to respect other homes rules and I know if they didn't like the rules they wouldn't go back. Also, I don't serve desert in my house after dinner. I do bake like once a week, so there is usually something sweet. I do have fruit and snacks for the taking if they are hungry so not much of an issue. The lesson here is your house, your child, your rules. If you don't like someone else's rules don't go there & don't be a Karen
The point being missed, if this is a consisrant, ongoing problem, is that someone is in the habit of putting too much food on kids plates. That is where the correction needs to begin. Reduce served portions with the assurance that more will be provided or available without a hassle. The parent can easily monitor and balance the initial offering, putting oversight responsibility where it belongs, but giving the child enough control to make the experience pleasurable for everyone. I, too, grew up with mealtime drama and "no, thank-you" helpings. I tried to be more circumspect with my kids, while encouraging new flavors and textures. Of course, I took my kids grocery shopping, too, seeing it as both educational and motivational. They learned how to make choices and how to behave in public. I did the same with my grandson, whenever I got the chance. Just gotta remember, raising intelligent, honest, cheerful, curious kids cannot be done on auto-pilot.
They should follow n respect your rules. If shes worried about "it being unfair" then she soukd ditch HER rule not force you to follow theirs in YOUR home
As a mother I stopped enforcing that rule while children were still very young. I realized it was just another rule passed down from generation to generation that makes absolutely no sense. Force feeding shouldn't be a thing. It's more of a control thing me. Just like parents saying you can't sweets early in the morning but will feed their family sugary syrup on pancakes or waffles. I will never tell anyone how to parent, but just because you were taught something doesn't necessarily make it right.
I think people are missing a few things. A child's Pallet palate isn't fully developed until much older. Sometimes it isn't even developed until your in your late 20's. Also, if different kinds of food, some just can't handle it. Like spices, sauces, dressings could upset tummy/Mouth without realizing that this is the problem. Because this child is 6 years old and doesn't know how to express it. I would notice this with my kids when at people's house and 1 just would take 3 to 4 bites then say no more. After the 3rd time I had to sit and ask pointed questions. Since normally would eat me out of house and home! Or other places she would normally eat what was offered/ordered. I learned that the food was hit to her mouth and sting. We are South America on my side and mix on other side. Plus we introduced them to all kinds of different foods. So I had to start asking what spices they used. Wasn't good ones for my kids. Also this must eat everything my Step Grandparents tried that and Dad
Mom stopped that faster than lightning. They also did it to oldest daughter when I allowed ONE time for a week visit. Afterwards I asked how it went, she broke down crying about being forced to eat everything they put on her plate. Never allowed them with any of my kids alone again. With the obesity at a all time high. People still think this is ok? I wonder if this friend might be plus size and raised that way?
Load More Replies... 
They are dreaming if they think they can put thier rules in my or another’s house
Please pardon my ignorance, but I've never even heard of pudding after every dinner. Is it a cultural thing? They just have pudding each day?
I feel its better to make the kids (all of them as here) to be taught to serve themselves in portions. The mothers should be knowing by now as to how much do their children eat. First lesson to be taught to them is to not waste foid. Secondly, I remember how my mother used to serve plate-full food which used to make me feel full already. I was a difficult eater as a child and finally revolted as a teen to help myselves with the food I need. Since then I have never encouraged the policy to serve food at my home unless during religious occasions or if we have guests. This has helped with a no-food-waste policy and my children are not fussy eaters, they eat well, are healthy and are foodies. Its better to serve to the kids in portions if you really want to serve them out of love if its fine as mothers mostly know how much their kids would eat.
Different cultures and different people have different rules for their homes. As a guest you follow them but you don't enforce your rules on someone else's home. They want me to take my shoes off, I take them off. If I'm from a shoes off family and I visit someone who doesn't want to see my ugly toes, I will keep them on. Clean plate because food is scarce/don't want to teach bad eating habits falls in the same dichotomy for me - follow the house rules. I exclude safety from this. If I visit someone and they tell me to take off my mask because John is over his flu, I politely inform them I will wear my mask or go home
My friend's grandma forced food on her mom so my friend's mom tried to give her own daughters healthier relationship with food. Unfortunately, actions and words didn't match (mom cleared plate regardless of how full she was) so now my friend and her sisters are perpetuating the same unhealthy food standards.
Just don't serve dessert. It can always be something for the kids to look forward to at their own house, if you think it's important. But, whosever house it is, sets the rules. I had plenty of friends who had similar rules as a kid, you follow the rules of the house you're in. Your child wouldn't wear shoes in a no shoes house, just because it's not what they are used to. As for dinner out, whichever parent brought you to a restaurant. If all parents are there, look after your own kid. You and your friend are making drama where there doesn't have to be any. I suspect your daughter is picking up on that and becoming stressed. Either be adults and relax or don't eat together, just come together before and/or after meals. If your daughter just has food issues, maybe eating separately isn't a bad idea anyway, why bring stress when it's unnecessary?
Nobody ask the fundamental question: is the children deciding how much food is put in her plate? Because if yes, then I would too insist in a clear plate, but if the portion are pre-prepared, then she should be free to eat as much as she want.
Forcing your child to clear their plate is TERRIBLE parenting! I know first hand! It's why I am so obese! Started as kid kid, clear your plate or no desert, so I would forcefeed myself even if I wasn't really hungry enough to eat it all. So now I made myself over eat just so I could get desert. I was a kid, desert was the most important part of the meal. The more this happened the bigger my belly got, the larger the portions on my plate got, and now I am constantly over eating because I have the habit instilled in me to eat it all, no matter how full I feel... DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR CHILDREN IT IS NOTHING LESS THAN CHILD ABUSE!!!!
Plates should always be cleared or it teaches kids to waste food. If the kids can't eat everything the parents are putting too much or the kids are spoilt brats who are allowed to snack anytime.
A whole lot of whinging snowflakes in the original comments above. Look, I come from a time when we ate what was put in front of us and were grateful for it. If we balked, it was saved for breakfast. Food was not wasted. And we didn’t have treats or dessert every day. Here’s what I say - if you are hungry enough to want dessert, you can finish your dinner. It would set up someone to have an unhealthy relationship with food to clean your plate. What nonsense. I have a psychology degree and did an essay on eating disorders for my Abnormal Psych course, with observations based on my own personal experience as a teenager who developed anorexia nervosa after the suicide of my mother. Disordered eating more often than not results from depression and not being able to exert control over one’s own life and circumstances. At the very least, you can control what you put in your mouth.
BTW: Starting your post with a blanket insult to previous commentors is not the best way to sway others to your side of the issue.
Load More Replies... Besides the food issues that have already been discussed, what about the valuable lesson of life's not fair? The friend wants to impose her rules on everyone because she wants to "make everything fair for the kids". Wel, life's not fair and kids need to learn that also, and respect people's different choices and decisions.
In my house, we only eat sugary things on weekends (starting Friday night because we have dinner with friends) so dessert is usually just some cut up fruit if we have it at all. My daughter sees other people eating ice cream or whatever it is on a Wednesday, and I just tell her other people have different rules. She's 100% fine with that.
Load More Replies... There was a story on someone who had this rule "If you take it, finish it, if someone gives, try it, but you are not obligated to finish." Also, setting boundaries for dessert. I love pudding too, but everyday is too much.
Yup this is my rule. if the portion is set (you cant reduce it), my kids are not obligated to finish it. but if they take it, they have to finish it. i teach them to take smaller portion, and they can take seconds if they still hungry. food waste is a problem everywhere and we should try to minimize it.
Load More Replies... Why are you all serving the food to the kids? Put the food on the table, let everyone serve themselves, portions they can handle like we Asians do. We take only as much as we can eat, the rest of the food is leftovers for another day !why the hullabaloo?
That sounds good in theory, and I'd do that, but my step kids never learned to do this. So, despite all my efforts, they will heap their plates too full and then want to throw out their less than half eaten food. I do not allow waste, so if they show me they can't be responsible, then I serve them their food, but also communicate, asking if they want just a very small portion or a little more to start. Usually by the time they get to seconds, they aren't being greedy anymore and can manage serving themselves. With their friends who visit, it's often far worse. Most kids grow up on junk food. In our house, it's healthy food. So, very small portions to try new foods, talking like a small bite, and a normal serving if they like it and will eat it. I do the same even at parties. You wouldn't believe how much food gets thrown out at parties because no one is supervising what the children are taking.
Load More Replies... This is dumb and just promotes unhealthy eating habits. Eat until full, save room for desert if you want to and pack the rest up for later. If you eat a small amount you will be hungry in an hour or two anyway.
No one said she HAD to finish her plate, only that if she did not, no dessert. Makes complete sense...at her home. Also, if a 6 year old plates her own food and knows to have dessert, she has to finish it then she will learn to serve herself better. If someone else is (and they probably are) plating the food THEN PLATE LESS!
I have so many issues with food, and many of them start with the expectation that I would eat everything I was served. Parents, please don't do this with (to) your kids. As for the OP, maybe suggest to the friend that smaller initial portions might be an acceptable compromise.
I grew up during a civil war. My parents had no money to feed me and my sister. We HAD to finish all food on our plates. My sister is too thin, and I am the complete oposite. Even in my 30s I have to fight the mindset of eating everything on my plate, even if I'm full or don't like the food. Now that I'm a mom, and my kid is underweight, I'll never make her eat more than she would like. My job is to teach her to listen to her body and love it. Let's stop the madness.
Stop serving kids. Teach them to take their own servings and teach them to start with small amounts. They can go for seconds if they are still hungry after eating the first bit. They learn how much they prefer and are never forced to eat more than they need. People need a healthier relationship with food.
My mother would punish me by sending me to bed without food. She would punish my sister by forcing her to eat everything off her plate. I suffered from malnutrition and my sister has always been overweight. I recently had to force my mother to give up her dog because she would punish her dog by starving it to make it not pee or poo in the house instead of training her dog with love the poor dog was up to 3-4 accidents a day. Punishment system never works as well as a reward system.
The woman is right to be angry, if her child has to follow the clean plate rule at her friend's house then the friend has to follow her rules at her house. But I do agree with the comments reprimanding the woman's style. If leaving food on the plate is a regular occurrence at her house then she is clearly putting too much food on her daughter's plate. Or the daughter is clearly leaving food on the plate to make room for pudding which is bad. Plus pudding everyday is bad for a kid.
Smaller portions if the kid is consistently leaving on their plate. They should only get dessert a few times a week so it’s not a big deal if they don’t eat all their dinner beforehand. But why do people insist that kids clear their plate? It’s a cultural thing. In 1900, people spent 43% of their income on food, 30% in 1950 and about 11 to 13% from 2000 to now. So only a few short generations ago, food was a lot more precious and wasting it had a bigger impact on the family coupled with less ability to store food and reheat it. Our parents and grandparents had to clear their plates because the family could not afford to waste that food or give them something else later. Obesity was not a worry but malnourishment often was. Things have changed but the culture around food has not. If there are food shortages or great inflation around food in the future, the emphasis may change.
What is most concerning in this case is the fact your daughter has such high anxiety when going to your friends house to eat dinner. That in itself is unhealthy for her not to mention the stress you are going through. I agree that perhaps you should consider sharing other activities with your friend either before or after you eat dinner at your own homes. As far as whether or not your daughter eats all of her food is a moot point because every child is different when it comes to appetite and what they will or will not eat. As an adult no one makes us eat all of our food or eat what we don't want so why should children be subjected to this treatment? I have never done this to my children or grandchildren.
Why serve dessert ("pudding") after every meal, especially if you don't want your kids to take a pass on the healthier food? Just stop serving sweets. Have a healthy family meal and be done with it.
My parents tried that and it lead to me stealing and hiding food. (non-perishable). They stopped after they realized it didn't work and tried a different approach. Small amount first and if you want more get more.
Seems like the simplest solution would be to stop eating at each others houses if it's an issue. Whether you agree with requiring the kids to clear the plate or not is right, it's their house and if that's what they want to teach their kids, up to them. Makes sense that if they are trying to teach their kids that, they don't want to then be saying it doesn't apply to other children eating there. If as a parent you don't like your child having to clear the plate, don't let them eat there . Equally, the friend needs to respect that other people don't have to follow her rules in their own homes. There are going to be plenty of times in the future her kids are eating with other people or without her there, so they need to learn that it's the rules for their home. If she doesn't like it, don't eat with other people.
The friend and her husband are pretty bossy. They will have a lot of problems when their kids hit their teenage years
Every point I could make had been addressed. Friend is an ah on many levels.
NTA - but it might be time to stop eating at each other's homes if the friend cannot respect you as a parent. Other activities you can partake in together, easy to take eating together out of it. (I don't make my son clear his plate either, if you check research this can seriously lead to over eating.)
I went off on one of sisters when she tried to force one of my kids to eat everything. It causes an unhealthy relationship with food.
When in Rome... However, eating out or at your house, your kids have every right to live by their own house rules. Also, when at home, let the kids put the food on their own plates. They'll learn portion control better that way as well as what a healthy diet looks like.
My family had this rule. The catch to the rule is that they would always make appropriate sized plates for kids if not smaller then appropriate so that the kids had no excuse to not clean that plate and typically wanted more (even if just a few bites more). The only way they didn’t finish was if they were being picky and strictly wanted dessert. I feel that as long as the portions on the plate are a reasonable size then it’s fine. But sadly I see some people doing adult sized portions and trying to enforce this on small kids and that’s completely u reasonable.
If you are making their plate, then you need to control how much goes on it, and if they can't finish it, it's not the end of the world. If THEY are making their plate, then it's a different story. When I was a kid, my grandparents would always let us make up our own plates (which was fun), and would always say, "Take all you like, but eat all you take." We learned pretty quickly to take less and simply go back for more if still hungry.
I see a number of things going on here which actually have nothing to do with food: 1. A parent who is projecting her own anxiety and obsession with food onto her children (and others). 2. A parent who is trying to manage her anxiety by trying to control others with rules about food that aren't rational. (Eating more food so you can earn the right to eat more food is not rational.) If this woman was a close friend of mine, I would focus on the real issue which seems to be her anxiety. I would ask her out of curiosity and concern where her anxiety about food comes from. What were meals like in her family of origin? Was food used as a reward or punishment? I would help her to see how her past is impacting her present and creating anxiety for your daughter, yourself and likely her kids. I would gently but firmly insist that unless her need for food rules can be resolved, that our get-togethers would need to exclude food going forward. A respectful win-win solution.
It depends on how much food is on her plate. Im a childminder and have the same rule however I give a small portion and then offer more if they want it. I don't give them food I know they don't like and the children know they have a choice and there is no pressure to eat what they don't want. It works for me and the children I look after but I never force anyone anything, it's a choice and I do negotiate and compromise with new children or those that need additional support
Idk why everyone keeps talking about how OP feeds her kid, that wasn't the question. It was about whether or not it's reasonable for her friend to expect OPs kid to follow the "clean your plate" rule in the presence of her kids regardless of where they are eating. It's not. Maybe while daughter is at their house (which tbh I'm iffy on. You shouldn't really force an eating rule on another person's child imo) but definitely not while at your house. The friends kids need to learn different people have different expectations and that life is rarely fair. They might learn to clean a plate but in the grand scheme of things that's a pretty useless life lesson.
I don't understand why small portions aren't employed by more parents with small children. I never put more than a tablespoon of each type of food (that they liked) on my children's plates. If they finished and wanted more they got more. If it was somthing new, it was only a teaspoon sized portion just to try. If they didn't like it, they didn't have to eat it. It worked without mealtime cajoling or drama. If there was going to be dessert and they resisted eating the meal because they were "full" but still had room for dessert, then their meal was covered (without creating drama over it) and put in the fridge until they were hungry enough again and then could have dessert. I rarely had to do that though because they rarely refused to finish a meal. Portion control and knowing your children's likes and limits are the key. Both my children are now healthy young adults who make good food choices.
You can be fun auntie OP where everyone gets dessert lol. Your house your rules though I suppose you can't parent her kids. My sister and I were brought up on clean your plate. With my younger siblings it was more the bargaining for bites, they were so picky. My sister hated having to eat so much and when she was finally old enough to have autonomy over her servings my parents were freaking out convinced that she was anorexic bc she lost a lot of weight. She wasn't, and her body perception was very healthy. She just didn't have the capacity to eat so much comfortably and my parents never thought Abt it that way bc I had no trouble putting it down and she was the difficult child so to speak
The whole idea of cleaning your plate has its roots in poverty. Families/people who have this mindset often come fron backgrounds of poverty... you know... the type of poverty where you don't know where or when you'll get your next meal so best to eat as much as you can now. This can be a learned behavior from generations ago that gets passed down in a family. Just important to note how these behaviors formed in the first place so we can better understand/address them.
What is missing here is she never said who is plating the girl's food? If the girl is portioning her plate herself then as far as I'm concerned she needs to finish all. If the parent or host adult is portioning the girl's plate then phuc their plate cleaning rules of theirs because they are a full tilt AH.
So what happens when your friends allow their teenagers to vape, or to have a glass of wine, and you don't? Or they allow them to wear clothing or makeup that you think is age inappropriate? Or they let them watch movies that you consider too violent or scary or sexual? Short-term, you can avoid a few arguments and tantrums by keeping your kids from seeing that other kids have less strict rules. But in the long term, they need to learn to accept that their parents have rules for them, and those rules don't change just because someone else's parents are more lenient.
Why cant these families not eat at each others houses? They should find another activity. If the kids dont finish their plates just have it for later. And why pudding every night?
Exactly! Why they need to eat together afterall!😂 Each family with their own rules and everybody is happy.
Load More Replies... Figure what your child able to eat and portion accordingly, they can always ask for more. However, and especially if the meal was dinner, no snacks afterwards. Otherwise, they eat less knowing there is a snack, which can lead to weight gain and also sends message that it's ok to expect the people who provide the food and cook to do it on your whim.
I was taught how to negotiate by using food; "one bite of broccoli then can have pudding?" "4 bites" "3?" "Okay!" Didn't develop a bad relationship with food but sure did develop the skills to talk people into things I want (not an awfully good trait to have before grasping the concept of consent)
Her rule applies at her house. Don't like it, don't have her feed your kid. Your rule applies at your house. If she doesn't like it, don't feed her kids. Both rules apply in public settings, like restaurants or parties. Just don't be super in each other's faces about it. Tell her to give your kid comically small portions she can build up to a full meal with if you need to, but otherwise drop this. Bombing her with articles about how she's a bad parent who is giving her kids eating disorders will be a point of no return. The friendship would be over and an antagonistic hatred would be born. It would be pretty easy for her to turn all other parents against you for doing that. Even the ones who likewise dislike clear your plate rules.
I think her house, her rules… at your house, your rules. If you’re going to your friends for dinner prepare your child and either give small portions or bring her something to eat from your house. You and your friend need to have a conversation beyond the one you did and if she’s too adamant about her rules only regarding food maybe it’s time to distance yourself.
And this is exactly why no kids come to my home without their parents except my nieces and nephews being raised with similar values. People are full of c**p. When did we stop respecting the rules in another person's home? When did we stop teaching our children to bear things out understanding that it won't last forever??? The kid doesn't live there. This parent had the opportunity to teach a life lesson to their child instead they chose to complain and teach the child through their actions that the world is expected to bend to accommodate you at all times. This kind of parenting has helped to create the mess that the world is today. Yes, this is an unpopular opinion. Many will object while they continue to whine about the selfishness that has led to the burgeoning issue of homelessness and despair all around us. Smh.
I once guilted & shamed one o' my daughters when she didn't want to eat one night. She mealy-mouthed a few bites ( under duress.) Later that night she had severe pain & wound up in hospital w/ acute appendicitis. I NEVER insisted any o' m' children clean their plates after that. I'd rules bout complaining & bein rude- just leave it. I'd also let them pick a raw vegetable from the fridge if they really hated the veggies I prepared. I'd 5 bio kids & 2 steps & it just isn't a hill ya wanna die on LOL.
a little on the fence here. We all know kids have and would eat the minimum to have the desert. Rarely had desert when I was a kid but if there was, you can't say you are full except for desert. Having to clean your plate before you leave a table well that is a little different. I have dairy sensitivity, not alergic but don't feel good after, hated cheese since childhood. I have been forced to eat grill cheese and can't even look at it to this day.
NTA. What decade did this mother grow up in? The 1940s? I didn't think anyone still forced their kids to "clean their plate". The last time I ever heard that rule was in 1985. I was at a boyfriend's house, and I was told not to take more than I could eat. I'd never been told by my parents that I had to eat everything on my plate, so I, unknowingly, took more than I could eat. His parents were not happy. I was 19, and my boyfriend was 21, but he had younger siblings, and his family had less money than mine did. That is the first time I ever equated that rule to families with tight finances. I was just thinking about this the other night, too. I have a picky tummy, probably IBS. So my mom also knew what I'd eaten during the day, and how much food I could eat at dinner, and we didn't have worry about money. No, your kid should not have to clean her plate, even when she eats at your friend's house. I, personally, find the archaic "clean plate club" barbaric.
Forcing to empty their plate while having enough is a recipe for eating disorders. NTA. Your kid could have less food on her plate to start with. But you cannot force another human to eat when she is having enough. What about bodily integrity?
Sometimes I also stop eating to leave some room for dessert. Why should children be forced to clean their plates, when sometimes even adults cannot. A dessert isn't a reward for emptying the plate...it's part of the "menu". Forcing someone to eat after they're full, is not only mean, but also unhealthy. Stomach volume can increase, if this happens continuously. As a result, you "have to" eat more, to feel full. You take in more, than your body actually needs... and that can lead to overweight.
Rule of thumb: Make a fist and that is the size of your stomach., adults and children both. Start out small for your child and if she finishes that then if she wants seconds, great. I always told my kids they wouldn't have to worry if they took small portions of food, there was always enough food and desert if they wanted it. Force feeding children is wrong and makes it uncomfortable for the child and everyone else at the table. I would avoid meals at your friend's house from now on.
Food is never a "reward". A treat yes. I always tried to make sure my boys had a reasonably balanced diet throughout the days and weeks. I didn't always offer a dessert or pudding but when I do I never make them finish their plate just for dessert. As a kid I could never figure this rule out, ok so you want me to eat till I am way passed full and then I can have dessert? That made no sense then and it still doesn't. I struggled with my weight since my teens. Now, If I want dessert I stop eating before I am full so I don't over do it. I have instilled the same in my kids. Because it is a non issue they sometimes have their dessert a little later because they are full from supper or sometimes they stop eating what is on the plate and have dessert. 3 grown children later and I am proud that my boys don't have the same food issues I struggled with.
My dad would tell me to clean my plate and often yell at me to eat. He would also yank my out of my chair and whip me for not eating, then yell at me to eat or I would get another whipping. Mom couldn't stop him. Then I would be crying and he would tell me to dry up and eat. One night, mom made me sit there for 2 hours until I finished my food. When I wouldn't eat, it was because I was already full. Mom would give me adult portions, fishing out 2 to 3 tablespoons full. Later in life I became a terrible sugar addict. I know I was stuffing my feelings down.
My children were told to take one bite and if they didn't like it they didn't have to eat it. This made for less headaches and as they grew up they were allowed to fill their own plate. Adults need to think portion sizes when filling the child's plate. If this is such a big problem they need to stop eating together period.
I was forced to eat everything on my plate as a child (we also never had dessert) and I still have food issues to this day. My mom is usually the one who put the food on my plate at meal times. In my tween years she then harassed me about my weight when she herself was fat. My mother had an unhealthy relationship with food so when she was in her late 50's early 60's she had gastric bypass. I don't have the money to have that kind of medical procedure. Due to this and many other reasons (controlling, demeaning, and a gaslighter) I don't have a relationship with my mom right now.
Ppl keep talking about food waste. OP and most commenters sounds British, (tea time, pudding, etc), so I'm assuming they have refrigerators like most of us here in the USA do. Do people not put away small portions of food for later? If my son had a significant amount of food left on his plate, we always just stick it in a little Tupperware for later. When he's hungry he goes and heats it up himself. He's had his own little spot in the fridge he could access on his own since he was about three, and now that he's older (11) he knows anything in a leftover container is fair game. He can also cook, we share a meal most days, but he can get his own food and tends to make healthy choices because mostly that's what's available. He's physically quite healthy, an adventurous eater, and people comment all the time on what a "good eater" he is, which I always find weird like...saying someone's good at breathing or something. We kinda have to keep doing it to live? Quit giving kids complexes!
First of all, children should be plated an under amount for the individual child. For reasons of waste and to avoid bad eating habits of any kind. Second, no one will ever enforce their rules in my house. I make it clear in advance what my rules are (very few really) if a parent doesn't agree than your child probably shouldn't come over. I honestly have never encountered something like this bc I am a very direct person which seems to intimidate people. Still thier kids come to my house so if they do things differently than me I wouldn't know. My kids know to respect other homes rules and I know if they didn't like the rules they wouldn't go back. Also, I don't serve desert in my house after dinner. I do bake like once a week, so there is usually something sweet. I do have fruit and snacks for the taking if they are hungry so not much of an issue. The lesson here is your house, your child, your rules. If you don't like someone else's rules don't go there & don't be a Karen
The point being missed, if this is a consisrant, ongoing problem, is that someone is in the habit of putting too much food on kids plates. That is where the correction needs to begin. Reduce served portions with the assurance that more will be provided or available without a hassle. The parent can easily monitor and balance the initial offering, putting oversight responsibility where it belongs, but giving the child enough control to make the experience pleasurable for everyone. I, too, grew up with mealtime drama and "no, thank-you" helpings. I tried to be more circumspect with my kids, while encouraging new flavors and textures. Of course, I took my kids grocery shopping, too, seeing it as both educational and motivational. They learned how to make choices and how to behave in public. I did the same with my grandson, whenever I got the chance. Just gotta remember, raising intelligent, honest, cheerful, curious kids cannot be done on auto-pilot.
They should follow n respect your rules. If shes worried about "it being unfair" then she soukd ditch HER rule not force you to follow theirs in YOUR home
As a mother I stopped enforcing that rule while children were still very young. I realized it was just another rule passed down from generation to generation that makes absolutely no sense. Force feeding shouldn't be a thing. It's more of a control thing me. Just like parents saying you can't sweets early in the morning but will feed their family sugary syrup on pancakes or waffles. I will never tell anyone how to parent, but just because you were taught something doesn't necessarily make it right.
I think people are missing a few things. A child's Pallet palate isn't fully developed until much older. Sometimes it isn't even developed until your in your late 20's. Also, if different kinds of food, some just can't handle it. Like spices, sauces, dressings could upset tummy/Mouth without realizing that this is the problem. Because this child is 6 years old and doesn't know how to express it. I would notice this with my kids when at people's house and 1 just would take 3 to 4 bites then say no more. After the 3rd time I had to sit and ask pointed questions. Since normally would eat me out of house and home! Or other places she would normally eat what was offered/ordered. I learned that the food was hit to her mouth and sting. We are South America on my side and mix on other side. Plus we introduced them to all kinds of different foods. So I had to start asking what spices they used. Wasn't good ones for my kids. Also this must eat everything my Step Grandparents tried that and Dad
Mom stopped that faster than lightning. They also did it to oldest daughter when I allowed ONE time for a week visit. Afterwards I asked how it went, she broke down crying about being forced to eat everything they put on her plate. Never allowed them with any of my kids alone again. With the obesity at a all time high. People still think this is ok? I wonder if this friend might be plus size and raised that way?
Load More Replies... They are dreaming if they think they can put thier rules in my or another’s house
Please pardon my ignorance, but I've never even heard of pudding after every dinner. Is it a cultural thing? They just have pudding each day?
I feel its better to make the kids (all of them as here) to be taught to serve themselves in portions. The mothers should be knowing by now as to how much do their children eat. First lesson to be taught to them is to not waste foid. Secondly, I remember how my mother used to serve plate-full food which used to make me feel full already. I was a difficult eater as a child and finally revolted as a teen to help myselves with the food I need. Since then I have never encouraged the policy to serve food at my home unless during religious occasions or if we have guests. This has helped with a no-food-waste policy and my children are not fussy eaters, they eat well, are healthy and are foodies. Its better to serve to the kids in portions if you really want to serve them out of love if its fine as mothers mostly know how much their kids would eat.
Different cultures and different people have different rules for their homes. As a guest you follow them but you don't enforce your rules on someone else's home. They want me to take my shoes off, I take them off. If I'm from a shoes off family and I visit someone who doesn't want to see my ugly toes, I will keep them on. Clean plate because food is scarce/don't want to teach bad eating habits falls in the same dichotomy for me - follow the house rules. I exclude safety from this. If I visit someone and they tell me to take off my mask because John is over his flu, I politely inform them I will wear my mask or go home
My friend's grandma forced food on her mom so my friend's mom tried to give her own daughters healthier relationship with food. Unfortunately, actions and words didn't match (mom cleared plate regardless of how full she was) so now my friend and her sisters are perpetuating the same unhealthy food standards.
Just don't serve dessert. It can always be something for the kids to look forward to at their own house, if you think it's important. But, whosever house it is, sets the rules. I had plenty of friends who had similar rules as a kid, you follow the rules of the house you're in. Your child wouldn't wear shoes in a no shoes house, just because it's not what they are used to. As for dinner out, whichever parent brought you to a restaurant. If all parents are there, look after your own kid. You and your friend are making drama where there doesn't have to be any. I suspect your daughter is picking up on that and becoming stressed. Either be adults and relax or don't eat together, just come together before and/or after meals. If your daughter just has food issues, maybe eating separately isn't a bad idea anyway, why bring stress when it's unnecessary?
Nobody ask the fundamental question: is the children deciding how much food is put in her plate? Because if yes, then I would too insist in a clear plate, but if the portion are pre-prepared, then she should be free to eat as much as she want.
Forcing your child to clear their plate is TERRIBLE parenting! I know first hand! It's why I am so obese! Started as kid kid, clear your plate or no desert, so I would forcefeed myself even if I wasn't really hungry enough to eat it all. So now I made myself over eat just so I could get desert. I was a kid, desert was the most important part of the meal. The more this happened the bigger my belly got, the larger the portions on my plate got, and now I am constantly over eating because I have the habit instilled in me to eat it all, no matter how full I feel... DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR CHILDREN IT IS NOTHING LESS THAN CHILD ABUSE!!!!
Plates should always be cleared or it teaches kids to waste food. If the kids can't eat everything the parents are putting too much or the kids are spoilt brats who are allowed to snack anytime.
A whole lot of whinging snowflakes in the original comments above. Look, I come from a time when we ate what was put in front of us and were grateful for it. If we balked, it was saved for breakfast. Food was not wasted. And we didn’t have treats or dessert every day. Here’s what I say - if you are hungry enough to want dessert, you can finish your dinner. It would set up someone to have an unhealthy relationship with food to clean your plate. What nonsense. I have a psychology degree and did an essay on eating disorders for my Abnormal Psych course, with observations based on my own personal experience as a teenager who developed anorexia nervosa after the suicide of my mother. Disordered eating more often than not results from depression and not being able to exert control over one’s own life and circumstances. At the very least, you can control what you put in your mouth.
BTW: Starting your post with a blanket insult to previous commentors is not the best way to sway others to your side of the issue.
Load More Replies... 
64
107