Childfree Woman Has Had Enough Of MIL Pushing For Kids, Finally Snaps And MIL Storms Off Crying, She Asks If She Went Too Far
Interview
Recently, a frustrated woman shared an incident she had with her mother-in-law who keeps pushing her and her husband to have kids. “My husband and I don’t want kids,” Childfreeusername starts the story, which amassed 27.3k upvotes, with a loud and clear statement.
Meanwhile, the author’s MIL does everything to negate their choice. On multiple occasions, she kept pushing the idea to her son and his wife, pressuring them to change their mind and telling them how without kids, they’re not “an official family.”
“So this weekend we were all at their home enjoying some BBQ and drinks and everything. When I get up to grab a beer, my MIL asks me if maybe I should drink water instead, because wink wink nudge nudge, you never know,” the author recounted.
The tension grew as MIL kept commenting on having kids until the point Childfreeusername just snapped. What happened after is a full-on family conflict where MIL was so upset she demanded a refund for her contribution to their wedding she gave them earlier.
A woman shared how her mother-in-law demanded a refund for her contribution to her and her husband’s wedding because they decided not to have children
Image credits: RODNAE Productions (not the actual photo)
Image credits: RODNAE Productions (not the actual photo)
Image credits: RODNAE Productions (not the actual photo)
Image credits: childfreeusername
Bored Panda reached out to Isabel, Kristen, and LeNora, three childfree women who run the project Childfree Girls, a podcast and web series for the childfree community to find out what’s their advice a person who keeps being pushed into having children by their relatives.
“Set strong boundaries, which we also say in our episode ‘Hey, Mom—I’m Childfree!’ Next time they bring up the subject, you can just smile and swiftly change the subject, or you could excuse yourself and take 5 in another room,” they said and added that “Hopefully they will eventually understand that you don’t want to have this conversation again.”
Moreover, if you’re comfortable having the conversation, Childfree girls argue, “tell them deciding to be a parent is a hugely personal and life-changing decision that shouldn’t be entered into under coercion, make clear that no unsolicited outside opinions are welcome, remind them that it’s selfish to demand another person take on a life-changing responsibility, and tell them you’re sure they would agree that a child should, at the very least, be passionately wanted by its parents.”
Childfree Girls remind everyone that “whether you’re thinking about having children later in life or not having any, it’s your prerogative and you should not be pushed by anyone to make a decision either way.”
Many people expressed their support for the author in the comments
Motherhood has been a great gift for me and gave me a purpose I never had before BUT I don’t feel that was my purpose in life nor do I feel other women exist solely for motherhood. That is an outdated belief and women put just as much as men, if not more, towards society. Fûck the patriarchy.
I wish I could give two upvotes. One for the comment. one for the work around with the alt-key. nice! :)
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Childless people can be unhappy about not having kids, as they maybe would want children and maybe they can't for whatever reason. Childfree people on the other hand made a conscious choice of not having kids, so if they did it, it means probably that this is what they want and what makes them happy. Could you please stop bothering people for their life choices? The life it's theirs, not yours FFS
I want children but getting them now would be an awful idea, maybe I never should get children however unhappy it makes me, but it really is best for the children and for me in that case. And begging from my parents to get children isn't making me feel better. Thankfully they aren't that bad.
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You mean OP doesn’t want to destroy their body and risk their life just so MIL can have a grand baby?! How selfish! /s But for real, I have two kids, actually died on the operating table with the first one, was brought back. Childbirth is no joke and people need to stop acting like having babies is so easy and “come on just give me a grand baby!” Sounds like MIL is desperate for a second chance at raising a child. Your daughter-in-law is not an incubator. Women are not all naturally maternal. Not everyone wants kids.
When my husband and I were trying, my MIL would always ask “so, any news!?”. Finally I told her that if I ever did have any news, she would have spoiled any announcement I might have planned by asking all the time the minute she arrives. I’d be forced to either lie to her or share news I wasn’t ready to share. She finally stopped asking.
Why do so many of these have unsupportive moronic friends who take the a*****e's side? OP is obviously NTA. How do people like this usually have such terrible friends?
That one frustrated me as well. There is nothing wrong with being honest about having tubal ligation etc - it's possibly not the best timing to have come out with it, but that's on the MIL for constantly pushing.
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I never had kids and never particularly wanted them. I might have had some if I'd bothered to get married, but I didn't. I do like kids though! When people ask me how many kids I have I say, "Thirty-five. From different mothers." I'm a primary school teacher!
NTA. Her and her husband should change their last name to her maiden name, mail the MIL a $400 check and then ghost. Also ghost the friends who are taking the MIL's side. Who needs that in their life?
Interesting how it’s all about “motherhood is a woman’s greatest calling” but MIL doesn’t seem to be giving her son the same Bs about “fatherhood is a man’s greatest calling”
Can you imagine how hurtful those memes are for people who want kids but can't? Cruel.
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The husband has had a vasectomy, the wife has had a tubal ligation. Does this lady they would both have reversal surgery (which rarely works for women) just to satisfy her need to be a grandmother? Maybe SHE should try for another kid if her life isn’t complete without a baby.
I'm currently pregnant and overjoyed about it, of course, but this is not what I feel my purpose in life is... I was not put here to make babies for the mothers who made me and my husband. In fact, our daughter has absolutely nothing to do with my own family nor my husbands. She is something we discussed for years and years and she was a decision we came to on our own with no help from others, FOR US. Not for any other person. Period. I could not even imagine pushing parenthood on someone who did not want kids. Why on earth would anyone want a child to be raised by someone who genuinely did not want it? That's absolutely insane to me. NTA. At all.
At a place I worked years ago, my boss would have monthly visits from a religious person for prayers. Fine - never an issue - nice boss, kept his religion to himself; nice religious guy - wasn't ever pushy. Then he got a student. Young and full of righteous fire. It become a monthly dread because this young person would needle me at reception while his teacher and my boss were busy. After the 5th visit, I snapped. "Look - every time you come here and bug me about this it's just a reminder that another month has gone by and I'm not pregnant. Some people just can't. You bringing it up every visit is kind of spiteful. Stop it." I kept a stricken look on my face when his teacher came out. They exchanged words, and it stopped. Not a single thing I said was a lie. It's all in the interpretation. :)
Nicely done! I used to want children but the desire simply trickled away in my early 20s. Then I found out I couldn't have carried a baby to term. Life is complicated and people should never assume and never push their own views on what people should do with their lives.
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I was in a similar situation with a co worker who constantly bothered me about not having kids. They had 3. One time as I walked into work, they called out "when are you going to have kids?!" Everyone heard it. I went to my desk and got myself ready to begin work. Before logging in I went over to the co worker and told them never to do that again and never speak to me again about it. If they did, I was going to involve HR and possibly legal action as conception and childbearing are medical issues and no one else's business, no matter who they are.
Wow. Should gave gone to HR immediately. That's outrageous 😳
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Bet this is the s**t I'm gonna deal with when I break it to my family that their *nonbinary* family member doesn't want kids and is pretty sure they can't have kids. And I have a preference for women lol.
Good luck, I really hope you don't get a load of sh!t over it. No-one should have to justify who they are or their preferences and life choices.
Load More Replies... There is no need for everyone to have children. The world is overpopulated as it is. And it only means suffering for unwanted children when people force the issue. Some of us have issues that would result in us being terrible parents and we are fortunately aware enough to know it. I bet these same people who try to pressure everyone to have kids (and it isn't just parents that do that) also shake their heads when they hear of some tragic case of child abuse or neglect and say, "Some people shouldn't have children." And then without any awareness whatsoever continue to pressure people to have children.
Parents, the purpose of having kids ISN'T so you can run their lives when they are adults. They get to make their own choices. Period.
If I’m still trying to control my kids’ decisions and lives when they are grown adults with partners, please shoot me. I pray that I might be sane enough to not insert myself into their relationships and such without their permission.
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My niece is unable to have children, my mother says that she will not be a grand, because of it . I keep telling her that it's not her choice. T has medical issues and can't have children.
Honestly, you're NOT an a*****e sweetie... she's just a major c*nt. It's NOT her marriage, it's NOT her body, and she does NOT own you or your husband. And to be even more honest, the friends that told you that you were the a*****e, get rid of them because if you told them what happened, they know how she's been doing this non stop since you and your husband got engaged, and they still call you the a*****e... it's obvious they think the same way as she does about you & will eventually start treating you different, talking about you behind your back or something else if they haven't started already yet & you just haven't noticed. Friends are supposed to support each other & be there for each other to understand & comfort each other when one is upset because she is being harassed by her mother in law for years. All you did was stand up for yourself and your husband... for so many years you shrugged it off that she thought she could keep pushing you around... your mother in law is just pissed off & playing the victim because you stood up to her showing her that you weren't gonna be pushed around by her anymore. I'm proud of you, and if your husband is a truelly good man then I'm sure he's proud of you too. Neither of you deserve to have her trying to control your marriage and lives like that... the way I see it is that you just put your foot down & in so doing stopped her from possibly destroying your marriage in the future as long as you and your husband make sure you keep her in check so she knows that it's your life.
Reminds me of my mother. "I'm entitled to these things for reasons. Why aren't you rearranging your entire life for my wants?"
The irony is not lost on me that many types of these parents don't have a good relationship with ANY of their adult children.
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"Well... you wont be a REAL mother unril you respect your kids choices in life. So I guess neither of us will be a real mother.."
Did she go too far? In a word, NO. If the MIL wants more kids (or wants to play Grandmother), that's her thing. Children are a big responsibility and if the couple decide they don't want them, that is their decision. One suspects the MIL may be getting a bit too intrusive in the poster's marriage, and an intrusive MIL has often been the cause of divorce (or separation).
On the opposite, I said to my children to do a big favor to me not having children, but cats are ok
I don't receive pressure from my MIL to have children. I know I will have one child someday but she has only asked us once about it, and we said we aren't sure just yet. That made her feel disappointed, but she said "well, it would make me happy if you do." And that was all she's ever said to us. I think it's natural for the older generation to feel disappointed, as many couples are choosing to be child free, but respect is much more important.
I… it… what? Does this freak of a woman seriously and for real think it’s reasonable to attempt to coerce two totally unwilling people to have children? Not to mention acceptable, but this weirdo is quite obviously not familiar with the rules of acceptable adult conduct - but how in the name of holy hell does she see anything good coming from forcing parenthood on people who very much definitely does NOT want it? What situation could that ever lead to, even if it had the slightest micro hint of being remotely possible? The woman is not just rude beyond comprehension and wholly incapable of recognizing other peoples integrity, she’s goddamned unhinged!
The "listicles", is that a typo? Prove that childless women are the most happy. Just because you have a uterus doesn't mean you have to use it. This misogynistic attitude needs to stop. My mom wanted one more but couldn't, I chose not to even have one. She doesn't hold it against me. That's what a decent human does.
Does every newly married couple go through this? 😤 When people asked my husband or me when we were "going to start a family," I finally came up with the response, "We *are* a family. A family of *two*."
When they don't have any in laws or relatives that support them. Some just happen to be more fortunate than others.
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I was 17when the Dr woke me up from surgery and surprised me with the news they had to remove my ovaries. My mom was in the room as I was a minor. I was 24 when she started telling me how badly she wants grandkids. I told her that hurt me and she has no right but she just laughed and said "What?! You can adopt." I was 24 and not married and had an older brother and younger sister she could have focused on instead but she chose the one child who CAN'T fulfill this wish of hers. That wasn't by the only boundary crossed by her in an ugly way and we haven't spoken much in years. If you want to be remembered fondly, you should have acted as such.
Few options here. His mom adopts some more crotch goblins herself or you and your husband can put in for last name change to yours or $400 to shut her up. My younger brother and his wife are amazing. 6 yrs in and no kids. Both work in education and would make amazing parents if they chose to. No one in my fam would ever ask them when and if kids are on the horizon. We never talk about this behind their backs either. No way our business. Personal boundaries and respect are a real thing.
This is when you learn about going low or no contact. Some people never mature and MIL is an example of that. I also hate people who do ordinary stuff like contribute to their kid's wedding and then lord it over you. Limit your contact with this crazy person. You are adults and that means involvement in parent's and inlaw's lives is a privilege they get for being cool, not a right. This applies to other crazy you may be related to.
it is your decision on wether you want a child you are not the A-hole
NTA. I am 59yrs old. I have been childless all my life. By choice!!! I knew by the time I turned 16 that I didn't want to have kids. That choice hasn't changed in all this time. ( imagine the pressure of making this choice in the late 1970's) My MIL did exactly what yours did. My husband (now an ex) & I eventually had to be forceful to get her to stop. You did good. You are definitely NTA.
NTA. The only reason for having children is because YOU want them, not the in-laws. OP's curt response was totally called for, given that the monster-in-law refused to acknowledge "Stop!" OP showed a lot of self-control prior to this. A round of applause for the lady, please.
Motherhood is the greatest gift a woman can receive? Childless women are unhappy? B******T! You do not have to have a child to be a woman or complete in life. Makes me so damn mad when people push this on others. I am 33 childFREE and have a stable and wonderful job. I don't need kids to be complete in my life.
NTA, it's a choice everyone should make on their own. I have two 20 something daughters and I always encouraged them to live their best life, babies can wait. And they have. As a result, I might never be a grandmother, something I really, really long for, but not my decision. They are re-thinking that decision, given the state of the world. I tell them I can totally understand that and I do and that is the sick, sad world we live in. Things are not how they used to be. I respect them, their partners and the lifes they are building together. My wants don't matter. BUT, should they procreate, it will be my biggest wish come true 🤫
I'm baptist and got married 11 years ago. I endured 2 years of non stop baby talk before they understood the words I kept repeating
It's always amazing to me that these people always have 'friends' who think they went too far on the most obvious NTA posts. Get better friends or stop lying. If you just want to share your crazy MIL story, then post on r/JUSTNOMIL.
"She's an elderly person, you shouldn't answer back to her." That's the kind of attitude they have
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My two-cents: childLESS women are unhappy because they want children and either don't or can't have them for whatever reason life is throwing at them. My heart goes out to those women, I hope things improve for them. ChildFREE women are happy because they don't have children. As a childfree woman, I know I don't have the emotional capacity to give a child the 24/7/365 love and attention that they would require. Not everyone deserves to be a parent and I definitely think I fit into that category. Every child deserves a devoted and loving family to help them live their best life. I strongly think I am doing my future offspring a huge favor by not having them in the first place. If I became a mother, I would be miserable. I would love my child, but I know I couldn't do it. Parenthood is hard enough on those that wanted the kids, I don't want to think about how much harder it would be on someone who never wanted children. I won't even go into how selfish people like this MIL are.
Well dealing with parents who have always done this to me (ask fhe same question 700 times after you give a firm no) there was no "transition period," I went to full on blunt mode. No more "I told you 800 times I don't want to because x and y." I straight up tell them NO, but more likely, I simply don't answer anymore, because they're just looking to antagonise. "Can I give your contact details to so and so and your phone number?" "No, you may not, absolutely not." "So I asked you already but shall I give your details then to so and so?" "No. I told you no. I told you no 3 times." 3 days later, I get an email from that person. Me: "I told you NO. You had no consent to give that out " Parent: :Well I thought you should be in the loop." This is the most innocent example but it goes on like that for 23 years. Then they go "god you are SO RUDE. Why do you have to answer like that?" Because I know what game you're playing.
I was told by one person that in my old age I would regret not having a child to come visit me. I (jokingly) stated that more likely than not I would instead be spending my golden years visiting them in prison.
My parents aren't that way with myself and 2 younger sisters. My grandparents on my father's side were, but they didn't push things too far. My fathers sister, on the other hand... She's definitely that way. You should have seen her face when she realized that I'm a natural born eunuch. Only took her 45 years to realize that, lol. My younger sisters don't want kids either. One out of fear that they'll turn out like me and the other has an irrational (imo, but I get it) fear of getting fat and unable to lose the weight after childbirth (like my mom). Unfortunately for me, now my aunt thinks I'm either gay or trans and a devil child. Wrong on all accounts, lol. Straight, Christian, not trans. Do hate being around people though. Oh well, guess some people delude themselves no matter what lol.
As a a forced mother who wanted to be childfree I can assure the scale tips both ways granted I love my daughter and would give her the universe but I never wanted kids and my baby daddy's mother believes that women can only find fulfillment in children which is why my daughter has no contact with that particular grandmother
My partner and I have been together for 11 years, no kids. And I won't have one. Ever. Then people start to ask when we make it official, the wedding I mean. And have a kid/kids soon cause I'm almost 30 and my partner is late 30s. Then I said I don't want kid and I won't have one. They start to sh*t talked me and well like OPs MIL said, pretty much Then I said I can't have a baby even if I want to as I'm barren. And they shut up and start to apologize. Having a kid or kids is big big responsibility and choice. Not like buying egg for breakfast. Please don't push anyone to have one
Not the AH. Both of my daughters have told me they won't be moms, and I respect that totally. Your MIL needs her head checked.
NTA, good for her. I'd have told MIL off earlier as well. Their business is just that, their business and they don't want kids. Glad to see fellow Childfree sticking to their guns.
OP really needs new friends if they even remotely consider her to be the AH for pushing back against constant, targeted, sexist harassment. They also need to have a hard conversation with their SO about going no contact with that family at least until the family learns boundaries, if not forever, and the SO needs to be the one enforcing that with them.
You and hubby chose what is right for you. What she is doing to you is not right. I guess to keep peace in the family maybe consider paying her the $400.00 back. Not because you should, it was a wedding gift and you are happily married. Of course then she gets her way. Make sure you are both in agreement to do it and will stand together if there is fallout from doing it. One side note is that since she doesn't consider you a family since you don't have kids then she shouldn't be invited to any future celebrations of your marriage. Let her know that paying her back has consequences and make the choice hers.
Pay her back the $400 so she won't have that to use as a weapon. Then, set up boundaries with her. Tell her if she's gonna keep bringing up kids everytime you meet, you and your husband are gonna think twice about seeing her. Respect goes both ways. If she wants you to listen to her reasons, but not listening to yours, by definition you can't reason with her.
If MIL is so desperate to see more children in the family, she can go adopt some herself. Plenty of kids need loving homes.
None of anyone's business. Not everyone wants kids. My daughter and her husband don't want kids and I said then don't have them. Simple as that.
NTA - BUT : The only thing she may have done to be a little nicer would be to tell her MIL in private, instead in front of everyone at a party. It was a bit of a mean thing to do, when it could have been handled much differently. Other than that. MIL (and the rest of the family) need to stop demanding that other people do what they think they should do!
No. The MIL bitched at her in front of everyone and she deserved to have it immediately thrown back in her face.
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Absolutely ridiculous. Women are not obligated to be mothers and I think it would be highly unfair to the children to push that onto a person that does not want it. Why does anyone think it's appropriate to discuss the sex life of another person bc that's essentially what's happening. If you've made the decision and are committed to the point of getting a vasectomy and tubal ligation...then that's that. Even if you are still unsure what you want, that's okay too. There are so many reasons people can't or choose not to have children. It's a highly personal decision and other people should stay out of it. I can't wrap my brain around harassing someone about something like that.
This MIL is disgusting. She trampled all over her son and DIL’s boundaries ten time over, took a s**t on it, and ran over it with Hummer. And that’s before anyone gets to the debate of children. The debate is irrelevant, tbh. This AITA is really about a MIL who doesn’t respect her son and DIL’s boundaries and crossed the line many times over. Then there’s the entitlement the MIL feels towards DIL’s body. Yikes!
When my youngest son found his true love at almost 16 (she was 15) now his wife, they started to make plans, like getting married at 19/18 and told us right away they didn't want children - whatever the reason (s) I didn't ask because it's not my business. When my daughter decided to announced she was pregnant a few months a go (didn't want any before she was 40 and wasn't there yet) I immediately turned to my DIL and asked if SHE was pregnant, had she changed her mind. Nope. Then I turn to my daughter, YOU'RE pregnant? Yep. Shock, she was like 6 years too early. I'm happy, though, and it's probably the only grandchild I'll get. My oldest son says he has too much going on. You've got to respect their decision.
As someone who is a carrier for MD and has been aware of this fact my whole life, I decided young that I didn't want children. I never hid anything from my husband, even when we started dating in high school, and he has always been perfectly okay with this fact. We are open to becoming foster parents, but have no interest in children of our own. We've been married almost 14 years... Still doesn't stop everyone on my side of the family from asking if I'm pregnant every chance they get. It's the worst. I totally feel for this woman. NTA at all!
Give her the 400, and wish her well, and then don't have anything else to do with her. Let hubby deal with his mom, from now on
This reminds me of my aunt. Back when her oldest son got married they lived a comfortable life, they could buy whatever they wanted and do whatever they wanted. My aunt wouldn't shut up, she just kept harassing them because she wanted grandkids. They ended up adopting two kids. Those kids turned into AH's. Nobody knows where the boy is and the girl, she just screwed up her life with 4 kids before 25. When you pressure people into having children it puts a strain on the marriage, and it's a terrible thing to do to child. If you don't want kids, you don't want kids. It's really that simple.
Being a mother isn't the sole thing that gives women meaning! Some families have NO desire for children, and that's great! Overpopulation is a thing and who WANTS to bring a child into this f****d world? We're all gonna die soon, you'd just be bringing some person into a world of pollution and discrimination and insanity and injury.
the person saying they should say they have fertility issues is wrong though. there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling people the truth. they both got sterilised. that's how little they want to have children. it's not hurtful. it's more harmful to pretend that it's out of their hands, when they have actively chosen to prevent it from happening in the most thorough way they can.
Married for 35 years, both never wanted kids. Never missed it for a nanosecond. We are a happy family of two who enjoy their life traveling doing things we like to. Broke with the family, never regretted it was a unnecessary sinker. Don't call me egotistical, I heard it before:))
Had a sister that did the same c**p. We had one child. I did not want another. Period. Sister kept on bugging me. Constantly. I wish now that I had told her to f-off. That it was none of her bussiness... I was way too polite then..... There was NEVER going to be another child. 45 years later I am glad I made that decision. I had better things to do....
I gave up on the responses when "sexist" and "misogyny" reared their ugly heads. You people need new material. Those words are officially dead (so why can't you be?)
I hate it when someone becomes an ah by telling that YOU are the ah when you absolutely did but start it and you absolutely have to end it. Why are so many people willing to take the side of the pushy one or the abuser?
Damn, bored panda is really digging for content, huh? This reddit post is 3 years old 🤣🤣🤣
I've never seen it. Sounds like one of us needs a break from the internet.
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I'd suggest publicaly and lawfully changing the "Last name". And tell that MIL you respect her condition, and judgement. Wonder what she'd do if her son signal her that way.
Why this mother is so willing to break her relationship with her son and woman? I can't understand. I don't want biological kids and the ones that continue to said how much I regret had been "friends" nor my parents. I arrived to the point I would want an hi hysterectomy to shove Inthe face of those who dare to question my own will.
A lot of parents are like that. That's how they treat their biological children, so what's the difference with an in-law?
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Urgh. I could never push another woman to have kids. Who am I to decide that she should take all those risks for something she doesn't even want? I'm all for understanding that people enjoy children, I do too, but you can't push that choice on someone else. It's BEYOND rude. Especially not an other woman who will need to sacrifice her whole being and risk her life to have those kids. Just no. That must be 100% HER choice. And after they both got sterilized it's well over due to get it.
Motherhood has been a great gift for me and gave me a purpose I never had before BUT I don’t feel that was my purpose in life nor do I feel other women exist solely for motherhood. That is an outdated belief and women put just as much as men, if not more, towards society. Fûck the patriarchy.
I wish I could give two upvotes. One for the comment. one for the work around with the alt-key. nice! :)
Load More Replies... Childless people can be unhappy about not having kids, as they maybe would want children and maybe they can't for whatever reason. Childfree people on the other hand made a conscious choice of not having kids, so if they did it, it means probably that this is what they want and what makes them happy. Could you please stop bothering people for their life choices? The life it's theirs, not yours FFS
I want children but getting them now would be an awful idea, maybe I never should get children however unhappy it makes me, but it really is best for the children and for me in that case. And begging from my parents to get children isn't making me feel better. Thankfully they aren't that bad.
Load More Replies... You mean OP doesn’t want to destroy their body and risk their life just so MIL can have a grand baby?! How selfish! /s But for real, I have two kids, actually died on the operating table with the first one, was brought back. Childbirth is no joke and people need to stop acting like having babies is so easy and “come on just give me a grand baby!” Sounds like MIL is desperate for a second chance at raising a child. Your daughter-in-law is not an incubator. Women are not all naturally maternal. Not everyone wants kids.
When my husband and I were trying, my MIL would always ask “so, any news!?”. Finally I told her that if I ever did have any news, she would have spoiled any announcement I might have planned by asking all the time the minute she arrives. I’d be forced to either lie to her or share news I wasn’t ready to share. She finally stopped asking.
Why do so many of these have unsupportive moronic friends who take the a*****e's side? OP is obviously NTA. How do people like this usually have such terrible friends?
That one frustrated me as well. There is nothing wrong with being honest about having tubal ligation etc - it's possibly not the best timing to have come out with it, but that's on the MIL for constantly pushing.
Load More Replies... I never had kids and never particularly wanted them. I might have had some if I'd bothered to get married, but I didn't. I do like kids though! When people ask me how many kids I have I say, "Thirty-five. From different mothers." I'm a primary school teacher!
NTA. Her and her husband should change their last name to her maiden name, mail the MIL a $400 check and then ghost. Also ghost the friends who are taking the MIL's side. Who needs that in their life?
Interesting how it’s all about “motherhood is a woman’s greatest calling” but MIL doesn’t seem to be giving her son the same Bs about “fatherhood is a man’s greatest calling”
Can you imagine how hurtful those memes are for people who want kids but can't? Cruel.
Load More Replies... The husband has had a vasectomy, the wife has had a tubal ligation. Does this lady they would both have reversal surgery (which rarely works for women) just to satisfy her need to be a grandmother? Maybe SHE should try for another kid if her life isn’t complete without a baby.
I'm currently pregnant and overjoyed about it, of course, but this is not what I feel my purpose in life is... I was not put here to make babies for the mothers who made me and my husband. In fact, our daughter has absolutely nothing to do with my own family nor my husbands. She is something we discussed for years and years and she was a decision we came to on our own with no help from others, FOR US. Not for any other person. Period. I could not even imagine pushing parenthood on someone who did not want kids. Why on earth would anyone want a child to be raised by someone who genuinely did not want it? That's absolutely insane to me. NTA. At all.
At a place I worked years ago, my boss would have monthly visits from a religious person for prayers. Fine - never an issue - nice boss, kept his religion to himself; nice religious guy - wasn't ever pushy. Then he got a student. Young and full of righteous fire. It become a monthly dread because this young person would needle me at reception while his teacher and my boss were busy. After the 5th visit, I snapped. "Look - every time you come here and bug me about this it's just a reminder that another month has gone by and I'm not pregnant. Some people just can't. You bringing it up every visit is kind of spiteful. Stop it." I kept a stricken look on my face when his teacher came out. They exchanged words, and it stopped. Not a single thing I said was a lie. It's all in the interpretation. :)
Nicely done! I used to want children but the desire simply trickled away in my early 20s. Then I found out I couldn't have carried a baby to term. Life is complicated and people should never assume and never push their own views on what people should do with their lives.
Load More Replies... I was in a similar situation with a co worker who constantly bothered me about not having kids. They had 3. One time as I walked into work, they called out "when are you going to have kids?!" Everyone heard it. I went to my desk and got myself ready to begin work. Before logging in I went over to the co worker and told them never to do that again and never speak to me again about it. If they did, I was going to involve HR and possibly legal action as conception and childbearing are medical issues and no one else's business, no matter who they are.
Wow. Should gave gone to HR immediately. That's outrageous 😳
Load More Replies... Bet this is the s**t I'm gonna deal with when I break it to my family that their *nonbinary* family member doesn't want kids and is pretty sure they can't have kids. And I have a preference for women lol.
Good luck, I really hope you don't get a load of sh!t over it. No-one should have to justify who they are or their preferences and life choices.
Load More Replies... There is no need for everyone to have children. The world is overpopulated as it is. And it only means suffering for unwanted children when people force the issue. Some of us have issues that would result in us being terrible parents and we are fortunately aware enough to know it. I bet these same people who try to pressure everyone to have kids (and it isn't just parents that do that) also shake their heads when they hear of some tragic case of child abuse or neglect and say, "Some people shouldn't have children." And then without any awareness whatsoever continue to pressure people to have children.
Parents, the purpose of having kids ISN'T so you can run their lives when they are adults. They get to make their own choices. Period.
If I’m still trying to control my kids’ decisions and lives when they are grown adults with partners, please shoot me. I pray that I might be sane enough to not insert myself into their relationships and such without their permission.
Load More Replies... My niece is unable to have children, my mother says that she will not be a grand, because of it . I keep telling her that it's not her choice. T has medical issues and can't have children.
Honestly, you're NOT an a*****e sweetie... she's just a major c*nt. It's NOT her marriage, it's NOT her body, and she does NOT own you or your husband. And to be even more honest, the friends that told you that you were the a*****e, get rid of them because if you told them what happened, they know how she's been doing this non stop since you and your husband got engaged, and they still call you the a*****e... it's obvious they think the same way as she does about you & will eventually start treating you different, talking about you behind your back or something else if they haven't started already yet & you just haven't noticed. Friends are supposed to support each other & be there for each other to understand & comfort each other when one is upset because she is being harassed by her mother in law for years. All you did was stand up for yourself and your husband... for so many years you shrugged it off that she thought she could keep pushing you around... your mother in law is just pissed off & playing the victim because you stood up to her showing her that you weren't gonna be pushed around by her anymore. I'm proud of you, and if your husband is a truelly good man then I'm sure he's proud of you too. Neither of you deserve to have her trying to control your marriage and lives like that... the way I see it is that you just put your foot down & in so doing stopped her from possibly destroying your marriage in the future as long as you and your husband make sure you keep her in check so she knows that it's your life.
Reminds me of my mother. "I'm entitled to these things for reasons. Why aren't you rearranging your entire life for my wants?"
The irony is not lost on me that many types of these parents don't have a good relationship with ANY of their adult children.
Load More Replies... "Well... you wont be a REAL mother unril you respect your kids choices in life. So I guess neither of us will be a real mother.."
Did she go too far? In a word, NO. If the MIL wants more kids (or wants to play Grandmother), that's her thing. Children are a big responsibility and if the couple decide they don't want them, that is their decision. One suspects the MIL may be getting a bit too intrusive in the poster's marriage, and an intrusive MIL has often been the cause of divorce (or separation).
On the opposite, I said to my children to do a big favor to me not having children, but cats are ok
I don't receive pressure from my MIL to have children. I know I will have one child someday but she has only asked us once about it, and we said we aren't sure just yet. That made her feel disappointed, but she said "well, it would make me happy if you do." And that was all she's ever said to us. I think it's natural for the older generation to feel disappointed, as many couples are choosing to be child free, but respect is much more important.
I… it… what? Does this freak of a woman seriously and for real think it’s reasonable to attempt to coerce two totally unwilling people to have children? Not to mention acceptable, but this weirdo is quite obviously not familiar with the rules of acceptable adult conduct - but how in the name of holy hell does she see anything good coming from forcing parenthood on people who very much definitely does NOT want it? What situation could that ever lead to, even if it had the slightest micro hint of being remotely possible? The woman is not just rude beyond comprehension and wholly incapable of recognizing other peoples integrity, she’s goddamned unhinged!
The "listicles", is that a typo? Prove that childless women are the most happy. Just because you have a uterus doesn't mean you have to use it. This misogynistic attitude needs to stop. My mom wanted one more but couldn't, I chose not to even have one. She doesn't hold it against me. That's what a decent human does.
Does every newly married couple go through this? 😤 When people asked my husband or me when we were "going to start a family," I finally came up with the response, "We *are* a family. A family of *two*."
When they don't have any in laws or relatives that support them. Some just happen to be more fortunate than others.
Load More Replies... I was 17when the Dr woke me up from surgery and surprised me with the news they had to remove my ovaries. My mom was in the room as I was a minor. I was 24 when she started telling me how badly she wants grandkids. I told her that hurt me and she has no right but she just laughed and said "What?! You can adopt." I was 24 and not married and had an older brother and younger sister she could have focused on instead but she chose the one child who CAN'T fulfill this wish of hers. That wasn't by the only boundary crossed by her in an ugly way and we haven't spoken much in years. If you want to be remembered fondly, you should have acted as such.
Few options here. His mom adopts some more crotch goblins herself or you and your husband can put in for last name change to yours or $400 to shut her up. My younger brother and his wife are amazing. 6 yrs in and no kids. Both work in education and would make amazing parents if they chose to. No one in my fam would ever ask them when and if kids are on the horizon. We never talk about this behind their backs either. No way our business. Personal boundaries and respect are a real thing.
This is when you learn about going low or no contact. Some people never mature and MIL is an example of that. I also hate people who do ordinary stuff like contribute to their kid's wedding and then lord it over you. Limit your contact with this crazy person. You are adults and that means involvement in parent's and inlaw's lives is a privilege they get for being cool, not a right. This applies to other crazy you may be related to.
it is your decision on wether you want a child you are not the A-hole
NTA. I am 59yrs old. I have been childless all my life. By choice!!! I knew by the time I turned 16 that I didn't want to have kids. That choice hasn't changed in all this time. ( imagine the pressure of making this choice in the late 1970's) My MIL did exactly what yours did. My husband (now an ex) & I eventually had to be forceful to get her to stop. You did good. You are definitely NTA.
NTA. The only reason for having children is because YOU want them, not the in-laws. OP's curt response was totally called for, given that the monster-in-law refused to acknowledge "Stop!" OP showed a lot of self-control prior to this. A round of applause for the lady, please.
Motherhood is the greatest gift a woman can receive? Childless women are unhappy? B******T! You do not have to have a child to be a woman or complete in life. Makes me so damn mad when people push this on others. I am 33 childFREE and have a stable and wonderful job. I don't need kids to be complete in my life.
NTA, it's a choice everyone should make on their own. I have two 20 something daughters and I always encouraged them to live their best life, babies can wait. And they have. As a result, I might never be a grandmother, something I really, really long for, but not my decision. They are re-thinking that decision, given the state of the world. I tell them I can totally understand that and I do and that is the sick, sad world we live in. Things are not how they used to be. I respect them, their partners and the lifes they are building together. My wants don't matter. BUT, should they procreate, it will be my biggest wish come true 🤫
I'm baptist and got married 11 years ago. I endured 2 years of non stop baby talk before they understood the words I kept repeating
It's always amazing to me that these people always have 'friends' who think they went too far on the most obvious NTA posts. Get better friends or stop lying. If you just want to share your crazy MIL story, then post on r/JUSTNOMIL.
"She's an elderly person, you shouldn't answer back to her." That's the kind of attitude they have
Load More Replies... My two-cents: childLESS women are unhappy because they want children and either don't or can't have them for whatever reason life is throwing at them. My heart goes out to those women, I hope things improve for them. ChildFREE women are happy because they don't have children. As a childfree woman, I know I don't have the emotional capacity to give a child the 24/7/365 love and attention that they would require. Not everyone deserves to be a parent and I definitely think I fit into that category. Every child deserves a devoted and loving family to help them live their best life. I strongly think I am doing my future offspring a huge favor by not having them in the first place. If I became a mother, I would be miserable. I would love my child, but I know I couldn't do it. Parenthood is hard enough on those that wanted the kids, I don't want to think about how much harder it would be on someone who never wanted children. I won't even go into how selfish people like this MIL are.
Well dealing with parents who have always done this to me (ask fhe same question 700 times after you give a firm no) there was no "transition period," I went to full on blunt mode. No more "I told you 800 times I don't want to because x and y." I straight up tell them NO, but more likely, I simply don't answer anymore, because they're just looking to antagonise. "Can I give your contact details to so and so and your phone number?" "No, you may not, absolutely not." "So I asked you already but shall I give your details then to so and so?" "No. I told you no. I told you no 3 times." 3 days later, I get an email from that person. Me: "I told you NO. You had no consent to give that out " Parent: :Well I thought you should be in the loop." This is the most innocent example but it goes on like that for 23 years. Then they go "god you are SO RUDE. Why do you have to answer like that?" Because I know what game you're playing.
I was told by one person that in my old age I would regret not having a child to come visit me. I (jokingly) stated that more likely than not I would instead be spending my golden years visiting them in prison.
My parents aren't that way with myself and 2 younger sisters. My grandparents on my father's side were, but they didn't push things too far. My fathers sister, on the other hand... She's definitely that way. You should have seen her face when she realized that I'm a natural born eunuch. Only took her 45 years to realize that, lol. My younger sisters don't want kids either. One out of fear that they'll turn out like me and the other has an irrational (imo, but I get it) fear of getting fat and unable to lose the weight after childbirth (like my mom). Unfortunately for me, now my aunt thinks I'm either gay or trans and a devil child. Wrong on all accounts, lol. Straight, Christian, not trans. Do hate being around people though. Oh well, guess some people delude themselves no matter what lol.
As a a forced mother who wanted to be childfree I can assure the scale tips both ways granted I love my daughter and would give her the universe but I never wanted kids and my baby daddy's mother believes that women can only find fulfillment in children which is why my daughter has no contact with that particular grandmother
My partner and I have been together for 11 years, no kids. And I won't have one. Ever. Then people start to ask when we make it official, the wedding I mean. And have a kid/kids soon cause I'm almost 30 and my partner is late 30s. Then I said I don't want kid and I won't have one. They start to sh*t talked me and well like OPs MIL said, pretty much Then I said I can't have a baby even if I want to as I'm barren. And they shut up and start to apologize. Having a kid or kids is big big responsibility and choice. Not like buying egg for breakfast. Please don't push anyone to have one
Not the AH. Both of my daughters have told me they won't be moms, and I respect that totally. Your MIL needs her head checked.
NTA, good for her. I'd have told MIL off earlier as well. Their business is just that, their business and they don't want kids. Glad to see fellow Childfree sticking to their guns.
OP really needs new friends if they even remotely consider her to be the AH for pushing back against constant, targeted, sexist harassment. They also need to have a hard conversation with their SO about going no contact with that family at least until the family learns boundaries, if not forever, and the SO needs to be the one enforcing that with them.
You and hubby chose what is right for you. What she is doing to you is not right. I guess to keep peace in the family maybe consider paying her the $400.00 back. Not because you should, it was a wedding gift and you are happily married. Of course then she gets her way. Make sure you are both in agreement to do it and will stand together if there is fallout from doing it. One side note is that since she doesn't consider you a family since you don't have kids then she shouldn't be invited to any future celebrations of your marriage. Let her know that paying her back has consequences and make the choice hers.
Pay her back the $400 so she won't have that to use as a weapon. Then, set up boundaries with her. Tell her if she's gonna keep bringing up kids everytime you meet, you and your husband are gonna think twice about seeing her. Respect goes both ways. If she wants you to listen to her reasons, but not listening to yours, by definition you can't reason with her.
If MIL is so desperate to see more children in the family, she can go adopt some herself. Plenty of kids need loving homes.
None of anyone's business. Not everyone wants kids. My daughter and her husband don't want kids and I said then don't have them. Simple as that.
NTA - BUT : The only thing she may have done to be a little nicer would be to tell her MIL in private, instead in front of everyone at a party. It was a bit of a mean thing to do, when it could have been handled much differently. Other than that. MIL (and the rest of the family) need to stop demanding that other people do what they think they should do!
No. The MIL bitched at her in front of everyone and she deserved to have it immediately thrown back in her face.
Load More Replies... Absolutely ridiculous. Women are not obligated to be mothers and I think it would be highly unfair to the children to push that onto a person that does not want it. Why does anyone think it's appropriate to discuss the sex life of another person bc that's essentially what's happening. If you've made the decision and are committed to the point of getting a vasectomy and tubal ligation...then that's that. Even if you are still unsure what you want, that's okay too. There are so many reasons people can't or choose not to have children. It's a highly personal decision and other people should stay out of it. I can't wrap my brain around harassing someone about something like that.
This MIL is disgusting. She trampled all over her son and DIL’s boundaries ten time over, took a s**t on it, and ran over it with Hummer. And that’s before anyone gets to the debate of children. The debate is irrelevant, tbh. This AITA is really about a MIL who doesn’t respect her son and DIL’s boundaries and crossed the line many times over. Then there’s the entitlement the MIL feels towards DIL’s body. Yikes!
When my youngest son found his true love at almost 16 (she was 15) now his wife, they started to make plans, like getting married at 19/18 and told us right away they didn't want children - whatever the reason (s) I didn't ask because it's not my business. When my daughter decided to announced she was pregnant a few months a go (didn't want any before she was 40 and wasn't there yet) I immediately turned to my DIL and asked if SHE was pregnant, had she changed her mind. Nope. Then I turn to my daughter, YOU'RE pregnant? Yep. Shock, she was like 6 years too early. I'm happy, though, and it's probably the only grandchild I'll get. My oldest son says he has too much going on. You've got to respect their decision.
As someone who is a carrier for MD and has been aware of this fact my whole life, I decided young that I didn't want children. I never hid anything from my husband, even when we started dating in high school, and he has always been perfectly okay with this fact. We are open to becoming foster parents, but have no interest in children of our own. We've been married almost 14 years... Still doesn't stop everyone on my side of the family from asking if I'm pregnant every chance they get. It's the worst. I totally feel for this woman. NTA at all!
Give her the 400, and wish her well, and then don't have anything else to do with her. Let hubby deal with his mom, from now on
This reminds me of my aunt. Back when her oldest son got married they lived a comfortable life, they could buy whatever they wanted and do whatever they wanted. My aunt wouldn't shut up, she just kept harassing them because she wanted grandkids. They ended up adopting two kids. Those kids turned into AH's. Nobody knows where the boy is and the girl, she just screwed up her life with 4 kids before 25. When you pressure people into having children it puts a strain on the marriage, and it's a terrible thing to do to child. If you don't want kids, you don't want kids. It's really that simple.
Being a mother isn't the sole thing that gives women meaning! Some families have NO desire for children, and that's great! Overpopulation is a thing and who WANTS to bring a child into this f****d world? We're all gonna die soon, you'd just be bringing some person into a world of pollution and discrimination and insanity and injury.
the person saying they should say they have fertility issues is wrong though. there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling people the truth. they both got sterilised. that's how little they want to have children. it's not hurtful. it's more harmful to pretend that it's out of their hands, when they have actively chosen to prevent it from happening in the most thorough way they can.
Married for 35 years, both never wanted kids. Never missed it for a nanosecond. We are a happy family of two who enjoy their life traveling doing things we like to. Broke with the family, never regretted it was a unnecessary sinker. Don't call me egotistical, I heard it before:))
Had a sister that did the same c**p. We had one child. I did not want another. Period. Sister kept on bugging me. Constantly. I wish now that I had told her to f-off. That it was none of her bussiness... I was way too polite then..... There was NEVER going to be another child. 45 years later I am glad I made that decision. I had better things to do....
I gave up on the responses when "sexist" and "misogyny" reared their ugly heads. You people need new material. Those words are officially dead (so why can't you be?)
I hate it when someone becomes an ah by telling that YOU are the ah when you absolutely did but start it and you absolutely have to end it. Why are so many people willing to take the side of the pushy one or the abuser?
Damn, bored panda is really digging for content, huh? This reddit post is 3 years old 🤣🤣🤣
I've never seen it. Sounds like one of us needs a break from the internet.
Load More Replies... I'd suggest publicaly and lawfully changing the "Last name". And tell that MIL you respect her condition, and judgement. Wonder what she'd do if her son signal her that way.
Why this mother is so willing to break her relationship with her son and woman? I can't understand. I don't want biological kids and the ones that continue to said how much I regret had been "friends" nor my parents. I arrived to the point I would want an hi hysterectomy to shove Inthe face of those who dare to question my own will.
A lot of parents are like that. That's how they treat their biological children, so what's the difference with an in-law?
Load More Replies... Urgh. I could never push another woman to have kids. Who am I to decide that she should take all those risks for something she doesn't even want? I'm all for understanding that people enjoy children, I do too, but you can't push that choice on someone else. It's BEYOND rude. Especially not an other woman who will need to sacrifice her whole being and risk her life to have those kids. Just no. That must be 100% HER choice. And after they both got sterilized it's well over due to get it.
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