This Person Explains Why Children From Abusive Families Analyze Every Single Detail And It’s Heartbreaking
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It is a well-known fact our families are one of the guiding factors that shape our personalities while we’re growing up. Parents raise us to the best of their abilities, but these abilities may vary, and some poor kids grow up in more than unwanted household situations. Recently, Dawson, an LA-bases genderqueer writer shared a story about how growing up with mentally unstable parents can shape your personality and can even turn you into a person who over analyzes.
“I’ve been writing since I was old enough to spell, it is at the core of who I am as a person. I always joke that I write my tangled experiences and feelings into straight lines…which is why I write so much about my personal experiences from abusive relationships. It’s self-reflection and catharsis and storytelling and poetry and sharing. The sharing is important to me. Sometimes people write to tell me how much something I wrote impacted them or clarified something for them and that’s one of my biggest goals in my writing…for people to know they aren’t alone. Lonely as life can be…we’re out here. We’re surviving. And sometimes…that’s all you have to do. Stand up and say “I survived. You can too.” That’s the best I have to offer, I think,” Dawson told Bored Panda on his experiences of abusive parents and living in poverty as a kid.
Scroll down to read the full text on mental illness affected parents, raising kids and surviving it all.
More info: geekdawson | Facebook image credits: Mojpe, Steve White
Dawson is a California-based writer who received a lot of attention online after sharing a short text
The story reflects on how growing up with mentally unstable parents can shape your personality
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Many people were touched by Dawson’s text
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I grew up with a narcissistic mother. I didn't realize how damaging this was until about 15 years ago. She committed suicide at 91. It was her last f* you to the family. We found a "hate" journal, full of every negative we children had ever done, in her opinion. It was evil. I lost my entire family when she died. I struggle every day with depression and anxiety, it is a never ending battle. Thank you for sharing your perspective. It is on target.
She sounds like a real charmer. My father committed suicide in 1997 - about a month after he discovered that no one wanted to be around him. He'd hurt everyone in his orbit so badly that even casual acquaintances refused to answer his phone calls. It wasn't his fault according to the note. It was mine.
Oh my. I had an absolutely wonderful childhood myself, and it took me many years to realize that one of my friends was not what she made out to be, but a psychopathic narcissist who sees everybody around her as being hers to use and abuse. Nothing was ever her fault. Once, when I demanded that she start paying back the money she had borrowed she retorted that when she borrowed it, she had hoped to pay it back, adding "and it is the intention that counts." NO, was my answer, it is always and only the result that counts! For a moment or two, she actually seemed shaken by that terrible thought, but then quickly regained her composure. I pity her two grown-up daughters.
You cannot forgive - you cannot forget - the abuser is sick and needs the help they will not ask for
Please tell me you have gotten lots of therapy. There's a line for all of us. We can manage our crap to that line and then we need help.
I feel so sorry you had to deal with that sort of accusation. Adult people are fully responsible for themselves, their actions and interactions. What a shame to put it on you.
I totally know the feeling. My Mother is a Narcissist with Borderline Personality Disorder. I am only child, and the adults in my life (father, aunts and uncles) would just ignore her when she was lashing out, and just leave me with her. Now that I am nearly 30, have stopped talking to her, and dealing with my own Depression and Anxiety, she sings her sad song to all of them, and I have them all telling me how I need to move on and forgive her and speak to her again. The very people who looked the other way when I was abused as a child, and know exactly how horrible she is, tell me that I need to accept her back into my life.
Oh Ahkilah, you and only you know what it was like to live with your mother. I am sorry that the rest of your family looked away and pretended not to notice anything. I am not related to you, or know you, but all I can say is - all YOU NEED to do is to continue to take care of yourself because that is what you've been doing so far. You should only have one goal in life - to be as happy as you can. "In life, you can only choose your friends." Good luck :)
Continued...sorry..... I babble.... //// .... Anyone who tells you that you need to "forgive" your abuser has no bloody idea what they're talking about. They didn't live in that house, they were not subject to what you are, and if they tell you that you "have" to "forgive", then they are NOT acting in your best interest. I can tell you right now that only YOU know what your best interest really is. /// If you have to, stop talking to them. In time, you need to learn to stop renting them space in your head. Whatever you're feeling is something you have a right to feel. You DO have a right to be angry, and there are some things that can never be forgiven. /// I'm 55. I know where you are, I've been there. Walk away. Make a life that YOU own, and never look back. That is your right.
Remember that DNA does NOT make "family". If you're related to someone that you'd cross the street to avoid, you are fully justified in never talking to them again. /// My mother died in May. She did not cover herself in glory as a parent, to say the least. My father physically abused me, and mentally abused the entire family and she let it happen. Her entire life was a series of bad choices, and while I feel sorry for her and I know where she was coming from, that does not justify what she did - and chose not to do, which is protect me. /// I only found out after the funeral that she always believed that I was lying about my father's abuse, until about ten years ago, when a neighbour told her she'd seen it happening. My godmother, one of Mom's friends, my cousin...they all told me that they would have believed me if I'd told them, but by then I'd been well-trained not to say a word. Call someone a liar often enough, and we learn to shut up. /// You do NOT "owe" your mother a thing.
You stand strong. I am in your boat. After nearly 50 years of that kind of abuse from my parents, I walked away. They do this to this day... just this morning I hear that Mother Dearest was whining to someone about how she has NO IDEA why I won't communicate anymore. And, how she learned that her granddaughter (my oldest girl) died in a car accident from her brother. Yes, that's on me. But, the reason I did not call her was because of the NASTY STUFF she and my father and sister did after my younger daughter was injured severely in Afghanistan... Really, really crappy stuff, that I won't get into here. They pushed me to the edge of suicide. I finally realized that for my own survival, and for the sake of the husband and children who actually DID love me, I had to break that stuff off. Its TOXIC. And like you, there were lots of people who turned a blind eye to the abuse when I was growing up. No one would say or DO anything. It just continued. I'm free now. Like you.
Seems like they're still looking the other way, cowards that should have protected you, stay strong and look after yourself.
Just cut them all out of your life; live YOUR life for YOU. Remember to love yourself - you deserve it! xxxx
Keep in mind you can forgive from a distance and never contact her again. I am sorry you bore this weight alone. I hope you find supportive friends to guide you so you can avoid toxic people in your life.
Your behavior isn’t about forgiving or not forgiving. It’s about protecting yourself from the abuser. If you like, you may forgive me – or not – for over-analyzing your relatives, because I know very well that’s what I’m doing: I don’t think they care whether you forgive your mother, so much as they want an excuse to forgive themselves for abandoning you. If you “forgive” her, they’ll feel that it wasn’t so bad that they abandoned you. Then they’ll feel that they’re forgiven too – not that they’ll ever admit to themselves that this is what it’s all about.
Juli this sounds like your mother was the reason you lost your family. I hope she didn't poison them against you or something. I have a narcissistic mother in law. I am gratefull that we do not live with her anymore because I changed so much for the worst when we did. I would't have been able to cope any longer with her. I can't imagine how it is for actual children with such a mother. :(
Hi Juli, I am very sorry you had to go through all that and still have to deal with the consequences to this day. Not just you, your whole family. I'm not a doctor or an expert on mental health of any kind, and I don't know the whole story of course. But I think your mother probably had some mental problems, I think she hated herself the most. And I think she spread all that hatred throughout your family so she would feel less and she would hurt less. I've known a few people like that, in my own family. I apologize if this offends or hurts you in any way, that is not my intention. My stand point is that if you try to understand just a little bit the reasons behind someone's actions/words, it might help you process it internally. It helps me a bit. It doesn't mean forgive and forget, but just that - understand. Not offering a cure, just maybe a different perspective for you. For your health. Because these things, they just sit and fester in our hearts, in our mind.
A lot of people make the same mistake you do. It doesn't bloody matter WHY her abusers attack her. It ONLY matters what they did and what they're doing. Stop making excuses for abuse. There is NEVER an excuse to abuse someone, ever. ....///... Her mother's problems are HERS to deal with. Analyzing her is a stupid waste of time.The effect she has had on her child what this is about it. The OP 's experience is the ONLY thing that's relevant here..
I agree with you if understanding that there are mental problems, ie mental illness, or different mental wiring, can make a victim, especially if that victim is the child, move on and stop trying to find what made any particular incident happen has the potential to bring a lot of good. It is simply NOT the victim's fault.
I would say 91 is leaving it a bit late...
Wow. I hope you've gotten lots of therapy so you can leave her behind.
She sounds like a clone of my paternal grandmother. :(
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I know the huge mood-antenna very well. And I knew where it came from, too. But I never thought of it to be a common and absolutely sense-making strategy of kids that had to deal with that kind of shit. I admire the determination in the authors choice of ignoring subtext whatsoever. I try to, too but reading this inspired me to do it even stricter and with a better feeling of being allowed to make that choice. Thank you so much for sharing.
My husband has hyper-vigilance like this from his mentally and emotionally abusive step-father. He never knew if or when anything would come at him, there was never any real rhyme or reason to the punishments he received. He's calmed down a lot over the past 18 years, but he does have a debilitating anxiety disorder now, feels like "the world" is out to get him and is judging him, and every tiny anything on my face when we're talking means something negative, even when (as far as I'm aware) my face hasn't changed from one moment to the next.
Is he getting help? Has had help? I hope so.
He does see a therapist every week. He has proven to be medication intolerant thus far, but we keep trying when something new comes out.
I totally understand. I am that way, too. Through therapy, I am beginning to catch myself. I constantly remind my husband that nothing I am doing is because of him. I tell him to please try not to do the eggshell walking.
This is so spot-on. Survivor here. We learn to be hyper-aware and hyper-vigilant as a way to protect ourselves by trying to anticipate. I can't even imagine being any other way. It sucks.
You cant anticipate a sociopath - i survived - but am messed up. You cannot anticipate a dozen punches to the head - that hurts for 2 weeks - but unseen as the swelling and contusiouns is under your hair. You cant anticipate a blow from behind that fractures your rib for no reason - ok - we ran out of kitchen towel. When you have to go to work and make up excuses for your black eye - for the 3rd time. You get hyper vigillant
am out of that situation - have been for 5 years. The monster (a psychiatric nurse), pursuaded me to leave a 20 year marriage, a good job, and move to the other end of the country, then started assaulting me within weeks. Only someone who has been in the same situation can understand the fear
my 3 excuses for black eyes -- "my 2 year old nephew headbutted me" - my neighbours large dog headbutted me (my neighbours didnt have a dog) - a 2ltr bottle of Pepsi fell on me
You're out of this situation right?
You cant imagine waking up on the sofa - 3 hours after your last memory of a scuffle. Your arm is a bag of gravel. There is a huge blow to your head. You have concussion again
That sounds like a psychopath all right. I'm very sorry that happened to you Diane. I'm happy to hear you are no longer in that relationship. I hope you getting some help/counseling. And yes, you cannot anticipate that. At all. I hope no one told you - "you should have known". If they did, please kick them, just for me. Take care of yourself Diane
Did you report him to his employer?
Thank you Sandy - have just come back from my counselling session. When people say "flashbacks are all in the mind" you can bet they have never had them or never experienced things bad enough to cause them
I’m a therapist and I call this the reason clients developed antennas. If you grow up in a save environment there is no need for them. I’ve got the antennas and they are very helpful in my work. I have learned to tune them down when not working. You can learn !
As a therapist you must know how horrendous life can be for victims - my Psychologist was in tears herself as i was relating my story
Well, I have them myself but everyone has had a different life, so yes, that happens. I get angry a lot ..
That is a very good inspirational hint Dinetk! Unfortunate to have had reasons to be developed, antennas still can be helpful at times - and it is great if they can be tuned down, too.
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I don't remember about 85% of my childhood right up until the age of 18, the things I do remember usually involve me crying. I definitely get what this guy is talking about. I am in the process of learning how to ease it back but it is damn hard. Take care lovely people x
I know quite a few people who can't remember most of their childhood. I can't. It wasn't fun that much I am aware of.
A lot of what I know about my childhood was recounted to me by my sisters. My mind blocked quite a bit of the abuse out.
How are you able to ease back into it? I don't want to remember but my family says its better if I do to heal?
Someone thoughtlessly downvoted what can only be an earnest question. EHops, of course, you do not have to remember. What you have to do is to be nice and fair to yourself and to the people you want to have in your life.
This was like reading about myself. But not from parents, but from an ex-husband. AHA moment indeed.
Agreed
Oh yeah, fourteen years of marriage and every day I have to tell myself that not everyone is him.
it truly messes you up - when you casually mention something in bed - and you get an elbow to the face in the dark - out of nowhere
Yep, me too. 14 years as well.
you cannot make it up and people dont believe you
SO true!!!
Gosh this is so true. Just being able to sense and read the room the moment you step into it... I find even in new places the moment I enter a room I still automatically read it, can sense the power plays, and above all anyone who is angry. One of the things I also found over the years was the ability to read micro-expressions, exactly for the same reason. The tiniest change, a way they smiled, you knew what was coming your way. I knew what caused my observations, but it took years to be able to handle how I dealt with them. And yup, I also suffer from PTSD *shrugs*
It's funny, I am acutely sensitive to faces and expressions. My husband has no facial recognition skills (something of a joke between us) and your comment makes me wonder if my sensitivity is due to the hypervigilance I developed.
I didn't know it worked like this. It totally makes sense though. One small whisper at the wrong moment can mean danger. Hyper vigilance is your only weapon against abuse. It must be a lifelong horror story when you have been abused.
Most here talk about abusive parents or relationships. To me there was never any need to be afraid of my parents or partners. Yet I know this way of feeling, seeing, hearing far too well. I'm an only-child and since I can remember my parents always fought. Only verbally, never physically. To the point where they didn't talk to each other anymore and broke up a few months later (one of the best days in my life). Since there was hardly anyone I could've talked to about that (getting divorced wasn't common at that time) I had to "swallow" it. And at a very young age I had decided, not to put even more stress unto the two people I loved the most. Thus I stayed silent most of the time. Hardly spoke up. Always in need of reading the mood right. So to the very day, when the situation gets heated and the other one doesn't say anything anymore, it almost makes my head spin with fear, because the child in me is convinced, that the only possible reason could be that they are very angry at me.
Even though you weren't abused in the classic sense, your parents' arguing nevertheless affected you, to the point that you feared that it might be your fault, or that they might become angry with you. Parents need to realize that everything in a child's environment makes an impact on how they develop. Hugs to you for surviving such a difficult situation.
You don't have to be physically harmed, or verbally abused, to have had your normal development stunted. Enough happened to set you on a hypervigilant path that becomes your own normal. You have the language now - as an adult. But to your small self, you had to stay silent because your parents were unavailable for you. You had no language for it and I imagine you would have been so lonely, and afraid, in your silence.
I can only suppose that the person who downvoted your comment did it out of a bad conscience he/she actively avoids facing. My upvote is here.
This should be upvoted much more! What a super insightful article, and explanation of how abused children process their world, the people in it, and society in general. Kudos to you, young man, for such an amazing written and visible proof, that abused kids, deal differently. We need to help these kids, to learn to process in a safe way, for them to feel safe, and not be subject to other people taking advantage of them, using their poor coping and communication skills, to make them feel guilty for how they deal! Professionals need to read this and use it to help other kids. THANK YOU, FOR BEING YOU!!!
My parents divorced, even if my mom is the best mom in the whole world, i cant say nice things about my dad. Seeing my dad slap and hit my mom. Punishing me because I can't answer the wuestion from my math problem, yelling at me such. Totally impacf for who i am today. I'll always be traumatized by yelling and stern talking. Everytime people do that i freeze. I literally choose to avoid problem and just do whatever it is tk make people happy because i dont want them to yell at me.. I do notice the sign when people about to blow and discreetly start moving far far away from them. And I dont know who should i talking to. Is my problem even bigger enough to talk to psychiatrist? Since there are a lot of people with bigger problem then i do..
Let the other people worry about their problems, you need to look after yourself - yes of course you should try and get some help, especially if it's affecting your daily life
I grew up seeing the two of them (my parents that is) arguing in the most horrible way. Threats, intimidation, undermining, criticism and of course ... slaps, punches, hair pulling, kicking and heavy object throwing. A couple of times, she had to get me out of the flat and ask one of the neighbours to accommodate me for the night, for fear that he'd kill me. The humiliation of standing with my pj's in front of the neighbour's door aged 16, can't be described with words.She kept saying she never wanted to divorce him because she didnt want me to grow up without a father. What a liar she was. I left home for good when I turned 19 & moved to another country. It's been 20 yrs since then and she still calls me in the middle of the night, locked up in her bedroom to tell me that he hit her & that she's afraid to get out.I notice everything & everyone around me. I read people with the greatest of ease. I count the number of blinks of the person sat to me on the bus. I now know why...
Block her number. It's hard, but you have to realize that at this point she is CHOOSING to stay. She wouldn't be there if she wasn't getting something out of the relationship. The fact that she's constantly calling is her way of controlling you - even if that's difficult to see. She's preying on your emotions, because she's addicted to sympathy and she justifies staying with her abuser because the only positive emotion she can understand is pity. //// It is NOT your duty to "rescue" someone who clearly doesn't want to be rescues.
She is not choosing to stay. She has been relentlessly conditioned to stay, and she is fully aware that the most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she tries to get away. The risk is real. She just wants to live. Hoping that tomorrow will be another day.
Really, Monika? And where did you go to medical school again? You seem to be quick with the judgmental comments that all appear to come from a place of...total ignorance.
I grew up with a narcissistic sister who still often tries to rule my life. As I was reading this, I realized I was reading it from the opposite perspective. Kinda like looking at something from underneath a glass coffee table. The opposite is also true. Sometimes people who have grown up in an abusive situation will reason things away. "She's just in a bad mood", "She's just having a bad day" "Don't say anything to make it worse and she'll stop". Where I used to work, I got stellar reviews on my customer service. I could defuse an angry customer really quickly, and often have the customer smiling before they left. Little did they know my training.
I can totally understand this situation. We think about each and everything. Dont chew loudly, or laugh.. everything has to be done in certain way. Other people always think that we are being dramatic but this is how we are wired and can't help it.
This is me, 100%. It's really difficult to deal with. An abusive, bpd/narcissistic mother, and an physically there, but otherwise absent father. I am forever noticing, and deeply affected by every small, minute thing that happens to me. I have to constantly remind myself that everyone isn't out to get me and that people aren't intentionally trying to hurt, or negatively affect me.
In retrospect I was lucky with my childhood, even tho it wasn't good. After my mom left me when I was 4 and took my brothers with her, I was convinced I did something to make her hate me. My dad raised me with the help of his parents, although that didn't stop me from being molested by a family member until I was 13. I was raised to be the "perfect child" and I was. I did everything I was told to, never made a fuss, and never said what was on my mind. And when my dad and grandma would fight it was usually over me, having no idea what I did wrong. So I would go to them and say "I'm sorry." And the only response I would get was "Don't be sorry, be good." I still don't understand what that means since I was trying to be good. This has affected all my relationships but I'm so lucky that my fiance has taken the time to try and help me be more open about my feelings instead of just staying silent and allowing my anxiety and depression get worse. Abuse hurts, no matter what form.
Mental health doctors call this 'hypervigilance', but this is a great insight and a much appreciated explanation.
I have grown up being mentally and physically abused (mostly mentally) I read this and know understand why I always read moods and see every little sign of people being passive aggressive Love to all that have not had the childhood you deserve xx
Yes. This. Mostly my mother.
Thank you for shining a light into my habits and mannerisms. I always thought it was my photographic memory that made me hyper aware of every little thing. I also started noticing patterns and used those as markers for when it was my fault. Soon my over apologizing and my indecisiveness led to people being annoyed and irritated. You cant exactly tell coworkers you were emotionally and mentally abused as a child. A BF would yell at me and I would apologize for setting him off and making him angry and the cycle of abuse continued but with a different person. I eventually got the courage to leave him and I have been happy ever since. But because of my mom, Ive withdrawn from society and from family because no one the extent of my mom's abuse. Not even my sister. She thinks she knows, but she doesnt. So I take the hit as being labeled anti-social, awkward, and weird. My anxiety is not real they tell me. The hardest part is no one knows and I dont say anything. So I just carry the burden.
Please seek therapy. You will fly when that burden is off your shoulders.
Well this strikes a nerve: I'm still trying to learn to relax and not over think/over analyse every sentence/movement/glance my poor, patient husband makes. I'm thankful I have such an understanding, caring spouse. Long story short: my step father was abusive and mother schizophrenic, both alcoholics. It was about as unstable as it gets. This fractured, strange childhood has produced a somewhat odd adulthood in terms of my thought processes and behaviours: I think out loud as I was alone so much as a kid (only child) I learned to comfort myself by talking to myself. It's carried over into adulthood. And I mean I have conversations with myself, out loud. Talked to a counsellor once (am I crazy?) No. It's just a coping mechanism. I imagine catastrophic events all the time, and have to make an effort of will to stop them. (Husband home 5 minutes late from a walk: he's dead, he's run away, he's been abducted by aliens ffs). Honestly, it's utterly exhausting.
this hit home for me in a big way. being raised by a single parent in the 60s-70s, not only was i subject to physical abuse, but the underlying verbal & mental abuse as well. i was overrun with teen angst & was a very angry person. i didn't grow out of it until well past my 30s, but i finally did. It did gradually lessen, starting from the time i was in my mid-20s, but i don't think i really got a grip on it until my 40s. i like to think that my own children had it better than i did because i recognized it after i started having my own. i vowed that they would not be subjected to the same treatments i was; i think i did right by them. the rest of the world, though, may not have been as lucky. these days, i stand firm in my beliefs, but i don't force them on anyone. i don't argue just for the sake of arguing, and i'm much quicker to see things from someone else's point of view. i gave up arguing with my mother, mostly because it was always over stupid shit. woo-sah...
This really explains so much I had a Schizophrenic /Bipolar mother and I read a room like no ones business and over analyze the smallest of interactions for what it may mean , and constantly feel fearful inside during even minor things that "feel off " to me
My late father was verbally abusive and would throw temper tantrums at the drop of a hat, and even though I live on my own now, I often have to tell myself that other people's problems are not mine to fix. They are not even my business, but I developed this habit of trying to solve other people's problems because even seeing someone angry makes me anxious.
Wow this touched me deeply. i cant.
Horrific bullying has done this to me. Why was I bullied? I'm mostly deaf. It wasn't just verbal ether. My bullies? My fifth grade teacher and other students. I told the adults, and was given excuses such as stop telling stories, don't tattle, stop being a brat and so on.
My mama was abused. She never abused me but I watched how she suffered and how she dealt with it. The positive is that I can quickly recognize others' suffering and always want to help. The negative is that I assimilated her reactions to pain and am very reactive myself. No subtext.
The interrupting can be a side-effect of abuse too. I rarely do it but if I'm super excited I will since I am so used to an environment where I will be cut-off if I slow down or stop. I regularly get talked over and I usually just go quiet and don't repeat myself because it's pointless, no-one cares has been so ingrained from a shitty childhood
Right on, of course. Now add to that a childhood spent juggling three different languages, English, French and German, as I grew up in bilingual Montreal in a family of German immigrants. Most communication is sub-text when you're trying not only to figure out what people are saying but what they actually mean. My parents just couldn't figure out why I chose the visual arts as a profession. And, oh yeah, when I need a ''real' job, I teach English to French Canadians.
I still can't help starting to tense up whenever someone has a sharp intake of breath, fight or flight! Nearly 30 years after leaving home..
Well this just resonated with me and brought back.
It does not have to be just parents who screw you up. Having spent 10 years (20% of my life) trapped in an abusive relationship with a violent and manipulative Sociopath I will never be the same person I was before.
Sounds like PTSD or complex PTSD (had that). I hope you were able to get support and good help. One of the aspects of the health system that bothers me is the expense and lack of access to good therapy. My therapist made a world of difference for me.
It is maybe PTSD - I get flashbacks - they are indescribable - i spend days in tears - am unable to make decisions - because I was literally banned from making any choices at all
My trauma therapist saved my life. I have C-PTSD, not just from my mom, but from abusive partners in the past, who re-victimized me (due to not being properly healed yet and gravitating toward that type).
@Diane - you never forget what happened. Never. People will tell you to forget it and move on, but memory is a tricky thing and you never really forget. The key is to face the memory, then walk away. You aren't going to forget what happened to you, but you CAN learn to live with it. /// Always remember that the opposite of love is NOT hate. It's indifference. You CAN learn to be indifferent and stop renting this idiot space in your head. It's not easy, I know from hard experience. But you can learn this. /// Don't even try to "forgive" or "understand" him. Just make him a nothing. He's gone, you're safe. You win.
I have had counselling - some ongoing - i will never recover from that relationship -- I escaped 5 years ago -- but feel like i am a victim forever. Semi disabled due to injuries, sustained and had a meltdown when a current partner became slightly agressive - flashbacks
I read this article yesterday. So I applied what I had just learned about myself, and it saved me minutes of time during my day. Anticipating, the outcome of different situations that ended without notice. However, in my head, I would assume a whole different scenario. So that makes me wonder. Is this how I am altering my present situations. Maybe I just need to lower that antenna, and not assume anything. Take out any pre ideas that I have then maybe. I will be the person that I always wanted to be.
That's a fantastic path to take. You can only control what you can control so it doesn't do you any good to stress about it all.
Very true. As a survivor of a Narc mother who created chaos and made me the scapegoat, I now over analyse everything because I had to have all the answers as a kid because everything was criticised. Also everything I did was made to be wrong. So I waked on broken eggshells al the time. I learnt never to get excited as that was wrong and anyway most likely my joy would come crashing down as my mother took delight in finding reasons for me not to be able to do something I wanted to. So now I cannot do anything impulsively or without examining it for all the pros and cons and I have to completely understand everything. Even though I left home a year before I left school because I knew I would kill her, the trauma has been with me all my life and I find it easier to be on my own so I don't have a chance of getting things wrong. Even today I find it difficult to make decisions. When you know that whatever you say will be wrong, you just learn not to say or do anything.
I grew up in a very hostile environment where my parents were violent to one another on a daily basis. No matter in a passive aggressive way, or verbal abuse or getting physical, they were too preoccupied to deal with their messy relationship all the time. Every day was something. I grew up to be their mediator from an early age. I took responsibility, called the ambulance, the police, the neighbors. I was the one apologizing to the friends and being ashamed to go out on the street because of their constant egoistic fights which took place wherever. I am a very successful person as a career an education but am constantly struggling with my mind which is always looking for every detail in the picture. I see every shift and change in the landscape surrounding me and I am on constant alert. I am so tired of this. I have never thought that this could be the result of growing up being constant on the look out for a symptom for a hurricane coming towards me. It is so exhausting. Thank u!!!
Because when everything that happens, happens to you, the only thing that you can do without being beaten up again or screamed at, is to observe.
Just goes to show that even at 60 there is always something new to learn about survival. This is a great piece. I am seeing myself and I am going to share it. Thanks!
Thanks man!!!!
wow so interesting, I always just thought I was extra intuitive and always knew I could sense a mood or read a room from a far and in an instant but never really figured out it was all due to my crazy childhood, it has always been a double edged sword as it makes one too sensitive at times, well written, Thanks for the insight,
So simple but this post has affected me deeply than I can describe. Life changing really.
It is all to protect yourself. Great observation.
Oh wow, This really spoke to me. Thanks for sharing !
I thought it was just me! I had a violent father and mother. My therapist said I had grown up as an "obedient child" who can't colour outside the lines. But I didn't realise my constant over-thinking of subtext is part of it. Thank you!
Well that answers why I just...walk away.
Continue : My daughters picked up on this as they grew up and they have been saved from stampede , earth quakes by watching what the cat or dog just did and even what someone looks like in the room of a party and called me just in time to come and get them before it was shut down and it usually was and many arrested. So to have this six sinse is not for nothing. All three of us are called Drama Queens but I have saved lives by my actions and so have my girls. We are not Drama Queens, we are blessed .
Why were they at the party though? Sorry I don't understand where you are coming from. Drama queen means something very different to hyper-vigilance.
If we mention what we saw or even felt, some of us are called Drama Queens. Stay quiet then causes anxiety. I'm always on the look out for someone to start something so I can make a quick exit and if possible say something just loud enough for someone next to me to hear and maybe save someone.
Oh my gosh!! This is one of the most profound and eye opening statements I’ve read in a long time. It also explains a lot of my past behaviors. I’ve finally gotten to the “don’t” care point. However, that’s just another survival mechanism. I’m an introvert because it’s always been so exhausting reading every nuance of every individual to ensure I wasn’t doing anything “wrong” to incur their wrath. It’s just so much easier to be alone than try to figure out what’s the “right” way to be around someone and what is expected. Growing up with a ticking time bomb for a parent, never knowing when she would explode or what the trigger would be, has taught me that people are not to be trusted.
This article is very helpful. My Father was Schizophrenic/Manic-depressive, alcoholic & very violent. PTSD from war. He lived with us until I was 9. My Mother was a rage-aholic & yelled A LOT among other things! I have been reading about narcissism & realized that my Mother had many of those traits. I don't remember much of my childhood, no wonder, but I have felt like a screw-up for my entire life. I've had bouts of therapy for CPTSD & read a ton of material related to my issues. I am coming to the conclusion that I am actually "normal" according to what I've had to deal with. If I came away from my childhood full functioning, THAT would be abnormal. I've gotten to the point where I can begin to see some of the good traits that I have acquired from surviving the hell-hole I was raised in. Others who had nurturing parents at times look at me like I have 3 heads & that's good for them, cause they'd have to live it to get it & I'm glad they didn't live it.
I know this all too well. Not from being raised by bad parents but because I was in 2 abusive relationships where I almost lost my life. Accidentally letting the dog out or putting his keys in the wrong place = face smashed into a door or thrown into a wall. Of course, now I have a wonderful, loving boyfriend, but I still worry about EVERY.LITTLE.THING. My old roommates actually made something called a "sorry jar" that I had to put a coin in for every time I apologized for unnecessary stuff. It got so full that every time I looked at it I just realized how damaged those relationships actually made me. Hugs to anyone suffering through this.
I stayed with an abusive boyfriend for much too long because I was afraid of winding up alone. I did wind up alone. (glad I left him though)
Thank you so much! Enjoyed your blog. I will continue reading your stories!!!! Now I understand why I friggin analyze everything/anything. Continue with your growth and writing. Dawson you have made my day!!!! SM
Upon entering a person's home for the first time, I would always check out the dining room in case I need to hide under the table ... Therapy helped with that.
For me, it's facial expressions and tone of voice. After getting close to my therapist years ago, he looked at me the "wrong way" and I became suicidal. Poor guy.
My alcoholic mother with borderline personality disorder used to punish us for perceived infractions. We'd get clobbered for imagined insubordination as well as the real thing. Thank you for all of this.
I try to see the positive. It makes me an amazing lawyer as I can pick up on things others can't. In life I've learnt that others peoples feelings don't dictate my actions. So I've made my own silver lining... ?
Lots of people with narcissistic mothers here. Glad I'm not alone with that struggle. Also being bullied a lot as a kid does a number on you. I actually think that's more of why I over analyze.
I grew up with mostly stable parents. My mom and dad divorced when I was 2 or 3 and both remarried by the time I was 8. My stepmom hated me. She would do anything to drive me and my Daddy apart. She would lie. Tell him that I was on drugs or having sex. I was only 12. She wouldn't let my Dad spend anytime with me alone. My sister always had to b there so we rarely had time together. I learned to watch my stepmom. If she rubbed her face really hard or crossed her arms or let out a sigh.... I knew a fight was brewing. I can remember her hugging me one minute and telling me she loved me then telling Dad that I had done something bad. I don't even have a relationship with my own sister because she poisoned her against me. Told her that Daddy loved me more and that I hated she was even born. I've always watched people. Watches th dynamics of a group. Stressed over every conversation and interaction with people. I apologize a million times a day. I'm always worried someone is mad at me
Is this the reason why? My stepmom has mental health issues. Everyone knows it but its not spoken about. I honestly didn't know that people didnt think like I do. I don't know how to feel about this. I'm glad to know that others dont stress like I do but I'm also kinda sad. It means that people don't care the sameway I do. Also, confrontation... I will do ANYTHING to not have one. I will take cussings and threats and not take up for myself. I've always wanted a stronger backbone. Is this why I'm this way? This is a new concept to me.
I believe your father is another one of your stepmom's victims, as is their daughter. Try and find a therapist you can trust to help you work through some of this.
It might be time to just walk away for awhile - and always keep in mind that your father LET her do this to you. No one's perfect but he allowed his wife to separate you.
and this is the reason, why I feel after my first boyfriend and love, who left me after I gave him (for me everything I have), like a stupid whore... He jjust made from me a cheap whore... No-one understand me.
My mother did it to me. And now everyday I fight to try and stop the emotional abuse with my own children. The rage is real. I am ashamed.
It's ok to be angry with your mother. That's normal. It's ordinary. You have a lot to be angry about. Try some counselling - it will help you remember where your anger should be aimed, and ultimately how to let go of it.
I suggest that anyone who has constant anxiety from this should try beta blockers. It took me 15 years to get my anxiety under control and it's because my new doctor immediately prescribed a beta blocker, it's been a miracle to live without constant fear. They aren't addictive and don't dope you up like benzos, just thought I'd share.
So important for people to understand there's a reason why we & others act a particular way. We're not so unique, but we could use more empathy!
This was good!
I had a violent, unstable older sibling and a domineering, unstable, substance abusing, parent who used violence and manipulation to protect him and get her own way. The other parent in the house was often dealing with depression, confusion, and a sense of powerlessness. Try as he might he couldn't protect me fully from them. I grew up always knowing the best hiding spots and quick exits, I had bug-out bags packed at all times (from pre-school into my 20s) and hidden close to home and the local 24-hr shop people knew me from my midnight flights to safety.
I have a tendency to overanalyse and now I finally noticed and understood why. I always thought that dysfuncional environment as a kid and later abusive partners did not do much damage to me, but now I start to realse with horror how many things I do and behave that are not "normal". Time for therapist, just the question how to afford one!
I thought i was being obsessed with my boyfriend (now husband) over small changes while he barely notices the same for me. I get so uncomfortable and curious like "what is wrong" even if there is slightest change in his body language or tone.
and some people actually WANT to be this mindful. They don't realise it's a curse...
My mother is abusive, egotistical, narcissistic and throws fits like a 4 year old. Why I'm single & have very little friends. I have PTSD, anxiety & depression. I've been to the psych ward for suicide attempts. She's 75. I pray for her death every day. My other 3 sisters and step father excuse her bad behavior and refuse to confront her about it. She throws heavy objects at people when angry. She can do no wrong. This is my adoptive mother and her current husband. I was adopted by her at 5. I'm 35. My biological mother was neglectful and physically abusive. I was in foster homes at 6 months of age. Traded one p.o.s. mother for another. Biological father left before I was born. He is a paranoid schizophrenic that self medicated with alcohol.
So true what is being written.. I always heard 'you think and analyze too much'. 'Stop thinking'...
In my case I remember terrible, non-ending repetitive rage explosions especially after age 15 (parental divorce, which made them both focus on my 'bad being' separately instead of fighting all the time with each other) because I did not throw away fast enough my tissues or tidy up used cups or glasses. My father criticized every single move I did, how I dressed, what I said to other people, why I wanted to go to town, see certain people, why I wanted to study, etc while my mother exploded daily because I was too 'passive' when I was 17 years old, working 'too much' at school while she needed to 'live'. Meaning she needed to make noise, sing, clean, talk etc. I saw lovers come and go, total strangers suddenly sitting naked at the breakfast table... and my mother would cry in my arms because she was depressed or didn't find the right man just before bursting into another explosion of anger, shouting at me because I 'dressed like a peasant', that she couldn't bear me anymore..can't forget
Thank you, Dawson, for sharing and clearing a few of my cobwebs, and verifying my theories. I had a nightmare of a childhood - really didn't have one - with a mother who never wanted me and made me pay every day for being born. My father got drunk every night, because he was married to that bitch (of course she blamed him for me, too) People think he was the evil one (drinking) but we both suffered at her hands. And yet, that bitch had so many friends, !?! Who thought I was, and I quote, retarded. So did most of our family., thanks to Mommy. My I.Q. has been measured (3 times) and always came out in the upper 150's to the lower 160's. If I wasn't too busy ducking from her body-slams, constant verbal and emotional abuse, and staying out of her way as much as possible, maybe I'd be a better person now. What a waste. There are lessons in everything. She did teach me one thing - how NOT to treat people.
91?! That's leaving it a bit late.
Why dare people even posting this
A therapist once told me I "live in my head" too much. Yup. When you are hyperaware, that's what is happening. Growing up with an alcoholic father and a mentally ill mother can do that to you. I'm not sure I understand the idea of subtext, but I understand everything else.
I would totally agree with this to the point that I create a narrative outloud when people don't respond to me I can feel the emotions in the room and you can just tell what people are thinking. It's sick.
The greatest gift given to me was the gift I gave myself and others thereafter the gift of forgiveness., and now I am free from the abusive ,memories that once haunt me .
Thank you for this article. I don't remember details of my childhood, but I know that my Father was Schizophrenic/Manic-depressive, an alcoholic & very violent (he was in the Korean war & likely had PTSD on top of it all) and my Mother was a rage-aholic. She yelled A LOT. I never really thought about it much until my nephew referred to Grandma yelling all the time. I thought it was normal...hurtful, but normal. I have been reading a lot about narcissism lately, trying to figure someone out LOL and I realized that my Mom had a lot of these traits only not as magnified as some. Thank you for this article. It's helped me to put some more of the pieces together. I have felt like a screwup for most of my life, but articles like this help me to see I am "normal" reacting to an "abnormal" situation. AND Yes, those who have been raised by nurturing parents look at me like I have 3 heads sometimes and that is OK!! They just don't get it & that's good for them.
I never had abusive parents, but I've had abusive teachers before.. and now I understand why I tend to act like this..
On the bright side could anyone please, please tell me what professions I could go for? I am sure we can turn this to good side by helping ourselves and others. Much appreciated! And many thanks to the author you just helped me to solve a huge missing piece from a puzzle.
Very true - alcoholic father, emotionally abusive mother - yeah. Over reading is a large portion of what you learn to do when raised in those kind of homes.
Just what I needed to complete this article. http://www.parasuniversal.com/2007/12/what-is-hyper-vigilance-symptoms-signs-and-solutions/
I have experienced both sides of the coin so, to speak. Let me say that I am one of those people that say "I am sorry" way to much. And take responsibility for everything that goes wrong. Now I am blamed for everything. As an adult, I seek out that bad behavior unwilling. Then wonder why I am in the same situation over and over. I spent my childhood on alert. Knowing it was out of my control. I overread others facial expressions. I am told to stop making it about me. I never realized that we seek the same type of attention over and over. So as a parent with, of course, mental obstacles. I never want my children to live in fear like I did. So when I overreact. I am apologizing right after. So they tell me I am, so bi-polar. As parents, we do get scared, or mad, or fear for our children. I think about my actions every day. Any suggestions on how to not be so flip-flop with my kids. I believe when a child lives in fear that is the worst kind of abuses there is worst than the punishment
This is so relatable, sadly...
very true and not always easily dealt with
The act of "reading the subtext" he is referring to already has a name: reading people's minds, or "mind reading" which is a type of distorted thinking style.
It's called "reading expressions" and it's normal and ordinary. There is NOTHING "distorted" about it, it is something anyone can learn if they work at it...and that some of us are forced to learn.
I just don't understand these people who abuse kids
I don't think my parents were unstable so I am wondering why I do it...
Oh you have no idea. The worst bits, for me anyway, were the loooooooong stretches where I was completely alone. I developed long range sensors lol. You want to know with as much notice as possible which person is arriving and what mood they are in so you know where to be or not be when they get there. I can anticipate arrivals, even if the person themselves didn't know we would meet up. Know when somebody is hungry, thirsty or tired before they know (realize) it themselves. If I'm really close to somebody, like my wife I can still generally "feel" them at any distance. She's in Germany, I'm in Florida I can still anticipate and identify things she's feeling or doing, if she's frustrated. My Mom is hospice, I feel a weird "click" when one of her patients dies. I also blow out electronics. I gave up on wearing watches years ago I go through cell phones like crazy and if you piss me off you're not watching TV prepare for pixelation until I chill out.
I'm seen as abnormal and have been accused of psychic type abilities. I fully believe it's science based. Similar to pheromones but electrical not chemical. All that "energy" talk is not just hippy dippy crap. We just aren't there yet in terms of ability to understand. Hell we've been poking around in the brain for a good long while and we JUST figured out there are lymphnodes up there. How crazy is that? We've still just got so much more to learn. I suspect we're going to discover this growing anxiety disorder population is directly linked to our tech advancements. You develop skills you need to survive in your environment. I'm not a mind reader I'm just adept at interpreting something the body or mind puts out. I absolutely could not have survived childhood without my empathic skill set.
My late father was an engineer whose company had one of the early computers. This story he told me when I was a kid happened in the 1960s or 70s. He noticed that when some people came near the computer, it went haywire. He came to the conclusion that people had electrical fields around their bodies, and some had stronger electrical charges than others. His solution was to ban certain people from the computer room!
I do this anyway and I was never ever abused
Statistically, women are better at noticing these things than men are. Is that it?
because we are abused by society as young girls and normalize it. we live in a state of fear because life is more dangerous for us. we learn early to avoid dangerous situations, we call it women's intuition, but it's hypervigilance.
Emily - no. We just pay attention.
The hypervigilance
An excellent book about why people grow up like this is "Adult Children of Alcoholics" Janet G. Woititz
Why on earth is a book that could maybe offer help to some reading these comments being downvoted?
I'd put myself in the over-analyzing corner but wasn't abused as a kid. I'm sorry for what he went through but maybe that's just what he would be like anyways.
J
I'm sure this is a real thing, but it's not at all exclusive to abused kids. My parents were just fine, but I'm hyper aware of my surroundings and always have been. Be careful to draw a definitive line to parental treatment if you are like this. Maybe it was from your shitty parents, and maybe you were hardwired that way.
Lol, nope. This is a real thing. Psychologists call it hypervigilance.
"Short text"? TL;DR.
I looked it up: "TL;DR, short for "too long; didn't read", is Internet slang to say that some text being replied to has been ignored because of its length. In slang it can also stand for "Too lazy; didn't read". And I still haven't got a clue what the poet meant ...
Beer. Just drink alotta beer.
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God you guys share some good stuff, but shit you use some of the worse thumbnails ever.
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The one thing that you can't ignore is that when you grow up in an abusive household, you become an EXPERT at reading people. Sometimes registering the subtext and backing off can save your life. I realize that the poster, as a man, doesn't need to worry so much about this, but women who grew up in my situation have a Creep'O'Meter that's second to none. /// Ignoring subtext works in many situations. We're experts at not reacting. What the author doesn't quite get is that sometimes the best reaction to someone whose subtext is constantly negative is to walk away and not look back.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother. I didn't realize how damaging this was until about 15 years ago. She committed suicide at 91. It was her last f* you to the family. We found a "hate" journal, full of every negative we children had ever done, in her opinion. It was evil. I lost my entire family when she died. I struggle every day with depression and anxiety, it is a never ending battle. Thank you for sharing your perspective. It is on target.
She sounds like a real charmer. My father committed suicide in 1997 - about a month after he discovered that no one wanted to be around him. He'd hurt everyone in his orbit so badly that even casual acquaintances refused to answer his phone calls. It wasn't his fault according to the note. It was mine.
Oh my. I had an absolutely wonderful childhood myself, and it took me many years to realize that one of my friends was not what she made out to be, but a psychopathic narcissist who sees everybody around her as being hers to use and abuse. Nothing was ever her fault. Once, when I demanded that she start paying back the money she had borrowed she retorted that when she borrowed it, she had hoped to pay it back, adding "and it is the intention that counts." NO, was my answer, it is always and only the result that counts! For a moment or two, she actually seemed shaken by that terrible thought, but then quickly regained her composure. I pity her two grown-up daughters.
You cannot forgive - you cannot forget - the abuser is sick and needs the help they will not ask for
Please tell me you have gotten lots of therapy. There's a line for all of us. We can manage our crap to that line and then we need help.
I feel so sorry you had to deal with that sort of accusation. Adult people are fully responsible for themselves, their actions and interactions. What a shame to put it on you.
I totally know the feeling. My Mother is a Narcissist with Borderline Personality Disorder. I am only child, and the adults in my life (father, aunts and uncles) would just ignore her when she was lashing out, and just leave me with her. Now that I am nearly 30, have stopped talking to her, and dealing with my own Depression and Anxiety, she sings her sad song to all of them, and I have them all telling me how I need to move on and forgive her and speak to her again. The very people who looked the other way when I was abused as a child, and know exactly how horrible she is, tell me that I need to accept her back into my life.
Oh Ahkilah, you and only you know what it was like to live with your mother. I am sorry that the rest of your family looked away and pretended not to notice anything. I am not related to you, or know you, but all I can say is - all YOU NEED to do is to continue to take care of yourself because that is what you've been doing so far. You should only have one goal in life - to be as happy as you can. "In life, you can only choose your friends." Good luck :)
Continued...sorry..... I babble.... //// .... Anyone who tells you that you need to "forgive" your abuser has no bloody idea what they're talking about. They didn't live in that house, they were not subject to what you are, and if they tell you that you "have" to "forgive", then they are NOT acting in your best interest. I can tell you right now that only YOU know what your best interest really is. /// If you have to, stop talking to them. In time, you need to learn to stop renting them space in your head. Whatever you're feeling is something you have a right to feel. You DO have a right to be angry, and there are some things that can never be forgiven. /// I'm 55. I know where you are, I've been there. Walk away. Make a life that YOU own, and never look back. That is your right.
Remember that DNA does NOT make "family". If you're related to someone that you'd cross the street to avoid, you are fully justified in never talking to them again. /// My mother died in May. She did not cover herself in glory as a parent, to say the least. My father physically abused me, and mentally abused the entire family and she let it happen. Her entire life was a series of bad choices, and while I feel sorry for her and I know where she was coming from, that does not justify what she did - and chose not to do, which is protect me. /// I only found out after the funeral that she always believed that I was lying about my father's abuse, until about ten years ago, when a neighbour told her she'd seen it happening. My godmother, one of Mom's friends, my cousin...they all told me that they would have believed me if I'd told them, but by then I'd been well-trained not to say a word. Call someone a liar often enough, and we learn to shut up. /// You do NOT "owe" your mother a thing.
You stand strong. I am in your boat. After nearly 50 years of that kind of abuse from my parents, I walked away. They do this to this day... just this morning I hear that Mother Dearest was whining to someone about how she has NO IDEA why I won't communicate anymore. And, how she learned that her granddaughter (my oldest girl) died in a car accident from her brother. Yes, that's on me. But, the reason I did not call her was because of the NASTY STUFF she and my father and sister did after my younger daughter was injured severely in Afghanistan... Really, really crappy stuff, that I won't get into here. They pushed me to the edge of suicide. I finally realized that for my own survival, and for the sake of the husband and children who actually DID love me, I had to break that stuff off. Its TOXIC. And like you, there were lots of people who turned a blind eye to the abuse when I was growing up. No one would say or DO anything. It just continued. I'm free now. Like you.
Seems like they're still looking the other way, cowards that should have protected you, stay strong and look after yourself.
Just cut them all out of your life; live YOUR life for YOU. Remember to love yourself - you deserve it! xxxx
Keep in mind you can forgive from a distance and never contact her again. I am sorry you bore this weight alone. I hope you find supportive friends to guide you so you can avoid toxic people in your life.
Your behavior isn’t about forgiving or not forgiving. It’s about protecting yourself from the abuser. If you like, you may forgive me – or not – for over-analyzing your relatives, because I know very well that’s what I’m doing: I don’t think they care whether you forgive your mother, so much as they want an excuse to forgive themselves for abandoning you. If you “forgive” her, they’ll feel that it wasn’t so bad that they abandoned you. Then they’ll feel that they’re forgiven too – not that they’ll ever admit to themselves that this is what it’s all about.
Juli this sounds like your mother was the reason you lost your family. I hope she didn't poison them against you or something. I have a narcissistic mother in law. I am gratefull that we do not live with her anymore because I changed so much for the worst when we did. I would't have been able to cope any longer with her. I can't imagine how it is for actual children with such a mother. :(
Hi Juli, I am very sorry you had to go through all that and still have to deal with the consequences to this day. Not just you, your whole family. I'm not a doctor or an expert on mental health of any kind, and I don't know the whole story of course. But I think your mother probably had some mental problems, I think she hated herself the most. And I think she spread all that hatred throughout your family so she would feel less and she would hurt less. I've known a few people like that, in my own family. I apologize if this offends or hurts you in any way, that is not my intention. My stand point is that if you try to understand just a little bit the reasons behind someone's actions/words, it might help you process it internally. It helps me a bit. It doesn't mean forgive and forget, but just that - understand. Not offering a cure, just maybe a different perspective for you. For your health. Because these things, they just sit and fester in our hearts, in our mind.
A lot of people make the same mistake you do. It doesn't bloody matter WHY her abusers attack her. It ONLY matters what they did and what they're doing. Stop making excuses for abuse. There is NEVER an excuse to abuse someone, ever. ....///... Her mother's problems are HERS to deal with. Analyzing her is a stupid waste of time.The effect she has had on her child what this is about it. The OP 's experience is the ONLY thing that's relevant here..
I agree with you if understanding that there are mental problems, ie mental illness, or different mental wiring, can make a victim, especially if that victim is the child, move on and stop trying to find what made any particular incident happen has the potential to bring a lot of good. It is simply NOT the victim's fault.
I would say 91 is leaving it a bit late...
Wow. I hope you've gotten lots of therapy so you can leave her behind.
She sounds like a clone of my paternal grandmother. :(
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I know the huge mood-antenna very well. And I knew where it came from, too. But I never thought of it to be a common and absolutely sense-making strategy of kids that had to deal with that kind of shit. I admire the determination in the authors choice of ignoring subtext whatsoever. I try to, too but reading this inspired me to do it even stricter and with a better feeling of being allowed to make that choice. Thank you so much for sharing.
My husband has hyper-vigilance like this from his mentally and emotionally abusive step-father. He never knew if or when anything would come at him, there was never any real rhyme or reason to the punishments he received. He's calmed down a lot over the past 18 years, but he does have a debilitating anxiety disorder now, feels like "the world" is out to get him and is judging him, and every tiny anything on my face when we're talking means something negative, even when (as far as I'm aware) my face hasn't changed from one moment to the next.
Is he getting help? Has had help? I hope so.
He does see a therapist every week. He has proven to be medication intolerant thus far, but we keep trying when something new comes out.
I totally understand. I am that way, too. Through therapy, I am beginning to catch myself. I constantly remind my husband that nothing I am doing is because of him. I tell him to please try not to do the eggshell walking.
This is so spot-on. Survivor here. We learn to be hyper-aware and hyper-vigilant as a way to protect ourselves by trying to anticipate. I can't even imagine being any other way. It sucks.
You cant anticipate a sociopath - i survived - but am messed up. You cannot anticipate a dozen punches to the head - that hurts for 2 weeks - but unseen as the swelling and contusiouns is under your hair. You cant anticipate a blow from behind that fractures your rib for no reason - ok - we ran out of kitchen towel. When you have to go to work and make up excuses for your black eye - for the 3rd time. You get hyper vigillant
am out of that situation - have been for 5 years. The monster (a psychiatric nurse), pursuaded me to leave a 20 year marriage, a good job, and move to the other end of the country, then started assaulting me within weeks. Only someone who has been in the same situation can understand the fear
my 3 excuses for black eyes -- "my 2 year old nephew headbutted me" - my neighbours large dog headbutted me (my neighbours didnt have a dog) - a 2ltr bottle of Pepsi fell on me
You're out of this situation right?
You cant imagine waking up on the sofa - 3 hours after your last memory of a scuffle. Your arm is a bag of gravel. There is a huge blow to your head. You have concussion again
That sounds like a psychopath all right. I'm very sorry that happened to you Diane. I'm happy to hear you are no longer in that relationship. I hope you getting some help/counseling. And yes, you cannot anticipate that. At all. I hope no one told you - "you should have known". If they did, please kick them, just for me. Take care of yourself Diane
Did you report him to his employer?
Thank you Sandy - have just come back from my counselling session. When people say "flashbacks are all in the mind" you can bet they have never had them or never experienced things bad enough to cause them
I’m a therapist and I call this the reason clients developed antennas. If you grow up in a save environment there is no need for them. I’ve got the antennas and they are very helpful in my work. I have learned to tune them down when not working. You can learn !
As a therapist you must know how horrendous life can be for victims - my Psychologist was in tears herself as i was relating my story
Well, I have them myself but everyone has had a different life, so yes, that happens. I get angry a lot ..
That is a very good inspirational hint Dinetk! Unfortunate to have had reasons to be developed, antennas still can be helpful at times - and it is great if they can be tuned down, too.
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I don't remember about 85% of my childhood right up until the age of 18, the things I do remember usually involve me crying. I definitely get what this guy is talking about. I am in the process of learning how to ease it back but it is damn hard. Take care lovely people x
I know quite a few people who can't remember most of their childhood. I can't. It wasn't fun that much I am aware of.
A lot of what I know about my childhood was recounted to me by my sisters. My mind blocked quite a bit of the abuse out.
How are you able to ease back into it? I don't want to remember but my family says its better if I do to heal?
Someone thoughtlessly downvoted what can only be an earnest question. EHops, of course, you do not have to remember. What you have to do is to be nice and fair to yourself and to the people you want to have in your life.
This was like reading about myself. But not from parents, but from an ex-husband. AHA moment indeed.
Agreed
Oh yeah, fourteen years of marriage and every day I have to tell myself that not everyone is him.
it truly messes you up - when you casually mention something in bed - and you get an elbow to the face in the dark - out of nowhere
Yep, me too. 14 years as well.
you cannot make it up and people dont believe you
SO true!!!
Gosh this is so true. Just being able to sense and read the room the moment you step into it... I find even in new places the moment I enter a room I still automatically read it, can sense the power plays, and above all anyone who is angry. One of the things I also found over the years was the ability to read micro-expressions, exactly for the same reason. The tiniest change, a way they smiled, you knew what was coming your way. I knew what caused my observations, but it took years to be able to handle how I dealt with them. And yup, I also suffer from PTSD *shrugs*
It's funny, I am acutely sensitive to faces and expressions. My husband has no facial recognition skills (something of a joke between us) and your comment makes me wonder if my sensitivity is due to the hypervigilance I developed.
I didn't know it worked like this. It totally makes sense though. One small whisper at the wrong moment can mean danger. Hyper vigilance is your only weapon against abuse. It must be a lifelong horror story when you have been abused.
Most here talk about abusive parents or relationships. To me there was never any need to be afraid of my parents or partners. Yet I know this way of feeling, seeing, hearing far too well. I'm an only-child and since I can remember my parents always fought. Only verbally, never physically. To the point where they didn't talk to each other anymore and broke up a few months later (one of the best days in my life). Since there was hardly anyone I could've talked to about that (getting divorced wasn't common at that time) I had to "swallow" it. And at a very young age I had decided, not to put even more stress unto the two people I loved the most. Thus I stayed silent most of the time. Hardly spoke up. Always in need of reading the mood right. So to the very day, when the situation gets heated and the other one doesn't say anything anymore, it almost makes my head spin with fear, because the child in me is convinced, that the only possible reason could be that they are very angry at me.
Even though you weren't abused in the classic sense, your parents' arguing nevertheless affected you, to the point that you feared that it might be your fault, or that they might become angry with you. Parents need to realize that everything in a child's environment makes an impact on how they develop. Hugs to you for surviving such a difficult situation.
You don't have to be physically harmed, or verbally abused, to have had your normal development stunted. Enough happened to set you on a hypervigilant path that becomes your own normal. You have the language now - as an adult. But to your small self, you had to stay silent because your parents were unavailable for you. You had no language for it and I imagine you would have been so lonely, and afraid, in your silence.
I can only suppose that the person who downvoted your comment did it out of a bad conscience he/she actively avoids facing. My upvote is here.
This should be upvoted much more! What a super insightful article, and explanation of how abused children process their world, the people in it, and society in general. Kudos to you, young man, for such an amazing written and visible proof, that abused kids, deal differently. We need to help these kids, to learn to process in a safe way, for them to feel safe, and not be subject to other people taking advantage of them, using their poor coping and communication skills, to make them feel guilty for how they deal! Professionals need to read this and use it to help other kids. THANK YOU, FOR BEING YOU!!!
My parents divorced, even if my mom is the best mom in the whole world, i cant say nice things about my dad. Seeing my dad slap and hit my mom. Punishing me because I can't answer the wuestion from my math problem, yelling at me such. Totally impacf for who i am today. I'll always be traumatized by yelling and stern talking. Everytime people do that i freeze. I literally choose to avoid problem and just do whatever it is tk make people happy because i dont want them to yell at me.. I do notice the sign when people about to blow and discreetly start moving far far away from them. And I dont know who should i talking to. Is my problem even bigger enough to talk to psychiatrist? Since there are a lot of people with bigger problem then i do..
Let the other people worry about their problems, you need to look after yourself - yes of course you should try and get some help, especially if it's affecting your daily life
I grew up seeing the two of them (my parents that is) arguing in the most horrible way. Threats, intimidation, undermining, criticism and of course ... slaps, punches, hair pulling, kicking and heavy object throwing. A couple of times, she had to get me out of the flat and ask one of the neighbours to accommodate me for the night, for fear that he'd kill me. The humiliation of standing with my pj's in front of the neighbour's door aged 16, can't be described with words.She kept saying she never wanted to divorce him because she didnt want me to grow up without a father. What a liar she was. I left home for good when I turned 19 & moved to another country. It's been 20 yrs since then and she still calls me in the middle of the night, locked up in her bedroom to tell me that he hit her & that she's afraid to get out.I notice everything & everyone around me. I read people with the greatest of ease. I count the number of blinks of the person sat to me on the bus. I now know why...
Block her number. It's hard, but you have to realize that at this point she is CHOOSING to stay. She wouldn't be there if she wasn't getting something out of the relationship. The fact that she's constantly calling is her way of controlling you - even if that's difficult to see. She's preying on your emotions, because she's addicted to sympathy and she justifies staying with her abuser because the only positive emotion she can understand is pity. //// It is NOT your duty to "rescue" someone who clearly doesn't want to be rescues.
She is not choosing to stay. She has been relentlessly conditioned to stay, and she is fully aware that the most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she tries to get away. The risk is real. She just wants to live. Hoping that tomorrow will be another day.
Really, Monika? And where did you go to medical school again? You seem to be quick with the judgmental comments that all appear to come from a place of...total ignorance.
I grew up with a narcissistic sister who still often tries to rule my life. As I was reading this, I realized I was reading it from the opposite perspective. Kinda like looking at something from underneath a glass coffee table. The opposite is also true. Sometimes people who have grown up in an abusive situation will reason things away. "She's just in a bad mood", "She's just having a bad day" "Don't say anything to make it worse and she'll stop". Where I used to work, I got stellar reviews on my customer service. I could defuse an angry customer really quickly, and often have the customer smiling before they left. Little did they know my training.
I can totally understand this situation. We think about each and everything. Dont chew loudly, or laugh.. everything has to be done in certain way. Other people always think that we are being dramatic but this is how we are wired and can't help it.
This is me, 100%. It's really difficult to deal with. An abusive, bpd/narcissistic mother, and an physically there, but otherwise absent father. I am forever noticing, and deeply affected by every small, minute thing that happens to me. I have to constantly remind myself that everyone isn't out to get me and that people aren't intentionally trying to hurt, or negatively affect me.
In retrospect I was lucky with my childhood, even tho it wasn't good. After my mom left me when I was 4 and took my brothers with her, I was convinced I did something to make her hate me. My dad raised me with the help of his parents, although that didn't stop me from being molested by a family member until I was 13. I was raised to be the "perfect child" and I was. I did everything I was told to, never made a fuss, and never said what was on my mind. And when my dad and grandma would fight it was usually over me, having no idea what I did wrong. So I would go to them and say "I'm sorry." And the only response I would get was "Don't be sorry, be good." I still don't understand what that means since I was trying to be good. This has affected all my relationships but I'm so lucky that my fiance has taken the time to try and help me be more open about my feelings instead of just staying silent and allowing my anxiety and depression get worse. Abuse hurts, no matter what form.
Mental health doctors call this 'hypervigilance', but this is a great insight and a much appreciated explanation.
I have grown up being mentally and physically abused (mostly mentally) I read this and know understand why I always read moods and see every little sign of people being passive aggressive Love to all that have not had the childhood you deserve xx
Yes. This. Mostly my mother.
Thank you for shining a light into my habits and mannerisms. I always thought it was my photographic memory that made me hyper aware of every little thing. I also started noticing patterns and used those as markers for when it was my fault. Soon my over apologizing and my indecisiveness led to people being annoyed and irritated. You cant exactly tell coworkers you were emotionally and mentally abused as a child. A BF would yell at me and I would apologize for setting him off and making him angry and the cycle of abuse continued but with a different person. I eventually got the courage to leave him and I have been happy ever since. But because of my mom, Ive withdrawn from society and from family because no one the extent of my mom's abuse. Not even my sister. She thinks she knows, but she doesnt. So I take the hit as being labeled anti-social, awkward, and weird. My anxiety is not real they tell me. The hardest part is no one knows and I dont say anything. So I just carry the burden.
Please seek therapy. You will fly when that burden is off your shoulders.
Well this strikes a nerve: I'm still trying to learn to relax and not over think/over analyse every sentence/movement/glance my poor, patient husband makes. I'm thankful I have such an understanding, caring spouse. Long story short: my step father was abusive and mother schizophrenic, both alcoholics. It was about as unstable as it gets. This fractured, strange childhood has produced a somewhat odd adulthood in terms of my thought processes and behaviours: I think out loud as I was alone so much as a kid (only child) I learned to comfort myself by talking to myself. It's carried over into adulthood. And I mean I have conversations with myself, out loud. Talked to a counsellor once (am I crazy?) No. It's just a coping mechanism. I imagine catastrophic events all the time, and have to make an effort of will to stop them. (Husband home 5 minutes late from a walk: he's dead, he's run away, he's been abducted by aliens ffs). Honestly, it's utterly exhausting.
this hit home for me in a big way. being raised by a single parent in the 60s-70s, not only was i subject to physical abuse, but the underlying verbal & mental abuse as well. i was overrun with teen angst & was a very angry person. i didn't grow out of it until well past my 30s, but i finally did. It did gradually lessen, starting from the time i was in my mid-20s, but i don't think i really got a grip on it until my 40s. i like to think that my own children had it better than i did because i recognized it after i started having my own. i vowed that they would not be subjected to the same treatments i was; i think i did right by them. the rest of the world, though, may not have been as lucky. these days, i stand firm in my beliefs, but i don't force them on anyone. i don't argue just for the sake of arguing, and i'm much quicker to see things from someone else's point of view. i gave up arguing with my mother, mostly because it was always over stupid shit. woo-sah...
This really explains so much I had a Schizophrenic /Bipolar mother and I read a room like no ones business and over analyze the smallest of interactions for what it may mean , and constantly feel fearful inside during even minor things that "feel off " to me
My late father was verbally abusive and would throw temper tantrums at the drop of a hat, and even though I live on my own now, I often have to tell myself that other people's problems are not mine to fix. They are not even my business, but I developed this habit of trying to solve other people's problems because even seeing someone angry makes me anxious.
Wow this touched me deeply. i cant.
Horrific bullying has done this to me. Why was I bullied? I'm mostly deaf. It wasn't just verbal ether. My bullies? My fifth grade teacher and other students. I told the adults, and was given excuses such as stop telling stories, don't tattle, stop being a brat and so on.
My mama was abused. She never abused me but I watched how she suffered and how she dealt with it. The positive is that I can quickly recognize others' suffering and always want to help. The negative is that I assimilated her reactions to pain and am very reactive myself. No subtext.
The interrupting can be a side-effect of abuse too. I rarely do it but if I'm super excited I will since I am so used to an environment where I will be cut-off if I slow down or stop. I regularly get talked over and I usually just go quiet and don't repeat myself because it's pointless, no-one cares has been so ingrained from a shitty childhood
Right on, of course. Now add to that a childhood spent juggling three different languages, English, French and German, as I grew up in bilingual Montreal in a family of German immigrants. Most communication is sub-text when you're trying not only to figure out what people are saying but what they actually mean. My parents just couldn't figure out why I chose the visual arts as a profession. And, oh yeah, when I need a ''real' job, I teach English to French Canadians.
I still can't help starting to tense up whenever someone has a sharp intake of breath, fight or flight! Nearly 30 years after leaving home..
Well this just resonated with me and brought back.
It does not have to be just parents who screw you up. Having spent 10 years (20% of my life) trapped in an abusive relationship with a violent and manipulative Sociopath I will never be the same person I was before.
Sounds like PTSD or complex PTSD (had that). I hope you were able to get support and good help. One of the aspects of the health system that bothers me is the expense and lack of access to good therapy. My therapist made a world of difference for me.
It is maybe PTSD - I get flashbacks - they are indescribable - i spend days in tears - am unable to make decisions - because I was literally banned from making any choices at all
My trauma therapist saved my life. I have C-PTSD, not just from my mom, but from abusive partners in the past, who re-victimized me (due to not being properly healed yet and gravitating toward that type).
@Diane - you never forget what happened. Never. People will tell you to forget it and move on, but memory is a tricky thing and you never really forget. The key is to face the memory, then walk away. You aren't going to forget what happened to you, but you CAN learn to live with it. /// Always remember that the opposite of love is NOT hate. It's indifference. You CAN learn to be indifferent and stop renting this idiot space in your head. It's not easy, I know from hard experience. But you can learn this. /// Don't even try to "forgive" or "understand" him. Just make him a nothing. He's gone, you're safe. You win.
I have had counselling - some ongoing - i will never recover from that relationship -- I escaped 5 years ago -- but feel like i am a victim forever. Semi disabled due to injuries, sustained and had a meltdown when a current partner became slightly agressive - flashbacks
I read this article yesterday. So I applied what I had just learned about myself, and it saved me minutes of time during my day. Anticipating, the outcome of different situations that ended without notice. However, in my head, I would assume a whole different scenario. So that makes me wonder. Is this how I am altering my present situations. Maybe I just need to lower that antenna, and not assume anything. Take out any pre ideas that I have then maybe. I will be the person that I always wanted to be.
That's a fantastic path to take. You can only control what you can control so it doesn't do you any good to stress about it all.
Very true. As a survivor of a Narc mother who created chaos and made me the scapegoat, I now over analyse everything because I had to have all the answers as a kid because everything was criticised. Also everything I did was made to be wrong. So I waked on broken eggshells al the time. I learnt never to get excited as that was wrong and anyway most likely my joy would come crashing down as my mother took delight in finding reasons for me not to be able to do something I wanted to. So now I cannot do anything impulsively or without examining it for all the pros and cons and I have to completely understand everything. Even though I left home a year before I left school because I knew I would kill her, the trauma has been with me all my life and I find it easier to be on my own so I don't have a chance of getting things wrong. Even today I find it difficult to make decisions. When you know that whatever you say will be wrong, you just learn not to say or do anything.
I grew up in a very hostile environment where my parents were violent to one another on a daily basis. No matter in a passive aggressive way, or verbal abuse or getting physical, they were too preoccupied to deal with their messy relationship all the time. Every day was something. I grew up to be their mediator from an early age. I took responsibility, called the ambulance, the police, the neighbors. I was the one apologizing to the friends and being ashamed to go out on the street because of their constant egoistic fights which took place wherever. I am a very successful person as a career an education but am constantly struggling with my mind which is always looking for every detail in the picture. I see every shift and change in the landscape surrounding me and I am on constant alert. I am so tired of this. I have never thought that this could be the result of growing up being constant on the look out for a symptom for a hurricane coming towards me. It is so exhausting. Thank u!!!
Because when everything that happens, happens to you, the only thing that you can do without being beaten up again or screamed at, is to observe.
Just goes to show that even at 60 there is always something new to learn about survival. This is a great piece. I am seeing myself and I am going to share it. Thanks!
Thanks man!!!!
wow so interesting, I always just thought I was extra intuitive and always knew I could sense a mood or read a room from a far and in an instant but never really figured out it was all due to my crazy childhood, it has always been a double edged sword as it makes one too sensitive at times, well written, Thanks for the insight,