Men Are Sharing 30 Red Flags That Women Should Look Out For If They Don’t Want To End Up In Awful Relationships
Whether we like it or not, the first impression really does matter. We tend to make a whole bunch of immediate judgments about people within the first few seconds of meeting them. The way they dress, how they smile, the way they speak, and their body language all quickly add up into a broad picture of what we think about the person… and if we date them. And even though some initial impressions end up being false, quite a few of them turn out to be right on the money.
Redditor u/xDarkPhoenix8161x created a viral thread on r/AskReddit where they asked men to share some of the biggest red flags that women should look out for in men they might want to date. The responses were incredibly honest and give an unfiltered glimpse into the insecurities and toxicity that some men carry with them throughout their lives.
Scroll down to read what people said, Pandas, and if you’d like to share some other immediate red flags people should be wary of, feel free to do so in the comments. And above everything, just remember to trust your gut: if you instinctively know something might be wrong, it probably is.
Dating expert Dan Bacon, the founder of The Modern Man project, explained to Bored Panda what it means if a guy doesn't want to introduce his girlfriend to his family and friends. He also shared his thoughts about how men who always see themselves as victims can move on from this and develop genuine confidence and learn to take responsibility for their actions.
"If a man is serious about a woman, he will almost always want to introduce her to his family or friends within the first few months," he told us. Scroll down to have a read through Dan's insights.
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This is one most women learn themselves around high school but still worth mentioning now. If he’s an a*****e to everyone but you, that doesn’t mean he thinks you’re special. It means he is an a*****e but knows how to not be an a*****e in order to get laid.
Dan, the mastermind behind The Modern Man and an expert in dating and relationships, told Bored Panda that there are some exceptions to introducing your girlfriend to your social circle. "There can be times when he won’t introduce her to them for much longer, even though he is serious about the relationship and loves her." Context is important.
He gave some examples:
- "There is drama in his family that he doesn’t want her to be aware of.
- His family doesn’t respect him, or treat him well and he doesn’t want to be embarrassed in front of them.
- He’s not close to his family and doesn’t see them as important in his life.
- His ex-girlfriend caused a lot of problems for him and his family, so he wants to spend more time with his new girlfriend before introducing her.
- He has a personal belief that a woman should only be introduced to his family if he intends to marry her and he’s not quite sure about marrying her yet."
There's also no set time, when we 'should' introduce our partners to the people we care about most. "It’s more of a gut instinct. If it feels right, do it. If it doesn’t, then delay it," Dan said to trust our gut.
If he’s cheating on someone else with you, he will absolutely cheat on you with someone else.
If he claims all his exes were “crazy” or similar. Think for a second about what was the common factor in all those relationships: him.
My first experience with a "nice guy" was exactly this. I didn't know guys could be that way and found it romantic that I quickly became "the one" after many crazy ex. I blame me reading"Romantic books" as they are really bad for young girls, they introduce a lot of toxic behaviour as normal and acceptable and even romantic. I learned really quick that books are not real life...
Meanwhile, we really wanted to get to grips with the fact that some guys blame everyone else but themselves when something goes wrong. Bored Panda was interested to get the dating expert's thoughts on victimhood and confidence.
"Unfortunately, some people never get past that level of personal development and as a result, ruin relationships their entire life. It really takes a lot of motivation and follow-through to overcome that kind of behavior, which a lot of people simply don’t have," Dan, from The Modern Man, was candid that this level of change takes massive amounts of effort and time.
"However, if a man were to have that kind of motivation and willingness to follow through, he should set goals for himself and work towards achieving them no matter what. When he does that, he will begin to realize the amount of personal control and influence he has over his life," he said.
"A man like that will rarely overcome his victim mentality the first time he achieves a goal though. In almost all cases, he’ll need to keep achieving goals and will then gradually become a man who feels totally accountable for his life and doesn’t need to play the victim and blame others for his problems, or lack of success," dating expert Dan noted that it's a long process and deep change won't happen overnight. However, that still sounds motivational and optimistic to us.
Avoid people who are very polite and charming when they *want* something from those 'above' them, but are arrogant and demanding when they think they can *take* something from those 'below' them.
People who 'smile up' and 'kick down' are the worst.
Tried to find a less common one.
For people looking for a long term partner:
Beware when someone complains about everything and is seemingly the victim in every situation.
This is the type of person that will very quickly blame you if anything goes wrong, and is likely s******g on you to other people already. Secondly, it means you will be perpetually drained by the negativity over the long haul.
Excuse me how did an internet stranger perfectly describe my father??? 🤔😂
One saying I've always lived by is: Pay attention to how they treat waitresses. How they treat waitresses today is how they will treat you in 6 months.
Some guys have a very hard time admitting when they’re wrong and taking responsibility for their actions. They’re always the victim. They’re super defensive. And they’re always right—it’s everyone else who’s wrong. It’s really no way to live because you’re smothering your potential, existing in fear, and lashing out at the people closest to you.
Previously, fitness expert and entrepreneur Jack Bly, from the US, shared his thoughts with Bored Panda on the importance of self-reflection, improvement, confidence, and moving past a victim mentality.
"Do one thing and progress at it to prove you’re not a victim. Lift weights. Help someone. Advance your career. Have a successful relationship. When you’re successful in one area, you build confidence in yourself and that will translate to all of your life," he explained to us that building confidence starts with small steps. That’s the way to stop being a victim, according to him.
Fitness expert Jack noted that we all need time to adjust to the positive changes we’re making in life. "Your brain needs proof around your new identity,” he said.
Inability to clean up after themselves or do common household tasks
And then want to pull the "You're not my mom" card when they disagree with something.
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I'm divorcing soon because of this. My husband is a nice person the rest of the time, but he can't understand that everything cannot fall on me and I'm exhausted. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness two years ago, and if I'm in a bad flare, he can go a full month without cleaning anything in the house, not even the toilet, and find nothing wrong about it. Not to mention that I dicovered, while having an argument with him over the chores, that he doesn't even know the name of my illness, and never even asked. I'm just done being nice and accommodating, and can't wait to live only with my cats and dogs and stop catering to self-centered assholes who only make an effort for two weeks to sweep everything under the rug and make you believe they changed.
That's not a husband, that's a full grown baby you adopted. Time to cut the apron chord and let him learn alone. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this
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I have 4 man children roomates. Parents of boys, I have 1 suggestion; teach ALL YOUR KIDS regardless of sex, to be fully functioning INDEPENDENT adults. Not teaching your son how to grocery shop, or clean a fücking bathroom, or how to clean in GENERAL is not doing him any favours. You wanna know how i look at your baby boy that doesnt know how to use a toilet? Hes a 23 year old manchild that still needs mommy to wipe his a*s(actual roomate btw). You are literally just sending a physically grown baby into the world for someone else to deal with. Fück you for doing that.
Things I've had to deal with living with boys between 20-35(yes "boys" becaus you dont get called a man until you fücking grow up); actual shît on the toilet, toilet seat consistently covered in "crumbs" and ball sweat marks, all manner of bodily fluids congealing and drying in the sink, floors never swept, one tried to "mop" with no water, they do not clear the fridge. EVER. So guess who has to do it? Garbage doesnt get taken out. Front door unlocked at all times, despite keys being in everyone's pockets. After cooking, all counters covered in c**p and not wiped. Each surface that was touched is obvious; because theres marks and stains and smudges of the food they cooked on every handle, wall and counter. These people are supposed to be grown adults. One of them takes out 4 FULL garbage bags FROM HIS ROOM every 2 weeks. And yes, I'm working on moving.
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Though it's not usually true inability. There are people who really can't. Most of the people I've experienced like this, it's just weaponized incompetence. They pretend like they can't because that forces their partner into a choice between calling them out and having a massive conflict, or just shutting up and doing more than their fair share of the work. Then they're shocked when their partner no longer finds them attractive. Apparently they can't connect the dots between acting like a bratty child and diminishing bangability. That's how it works. You don't get to force me into a mother/child dynamic all day and then switch that off at night.
My ex actually told people that if her does a bad job of everything, I'll just do it myself. I mean, he was right but it was such an a*****e thing to do.
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I just go into Mom mode and treat them like the children they’re being, making them live with their idiocy. I don’t remember what it was about, but I do remember an argument when my husband and I were first married. I had just gone grocery shopping, and bought some Tastykakes (US snack cakes, different flavors and types) to put in his lunch pail for work. He knew he was on the wrong side of the argument, but decided to have a fit about it anyway. He grabbed the Tastykake box, threw it on the floor, and stomped it flat before leaving the kitchen and going outside. I didn’t throw the box away, I just put it in the cupboard as intended, because we were just starting out and money was tight. Even though he came back in and apologized for his outburst, I made him eat every single one one of those smashed flat Tastykakes for lunch until the box was used up, to remind him of the consequences of throwing fits and “breaking” things. He never did it again.
And it's very difficult for them to change. Usually its better for awhile, then back to the usual. Trust me. I married one.
Mothers and fathers need to instruct their young boys to know how to do this kind of stuff. I'm surprised at the younger generations of boys who are allowed to live like slobs in their house.
That is me....but also the reason i would be afraid living with anyone. I am messy and though i prefer cleaning up my s**t before i let anyone else do it....i rarely clean up.
If you're messy, stay alone or marry someone who's also messy, but not so messy, that he wants you to also clean up his mess. My sis and bil are messy and don't care. Before ppl come visit, they quickly clean up the mess.
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I completely stopped doing any homework 2 years ago. He does it all now. Might not be to my standards but good enough and I'm not in a power struggle anymore.
I struggle with some tasks due to my disabilities, but even then I try my best to not let it affect others or to help out when needed. Can't understand folks that just never even try.
id make a comment about depression, but i feel like this isnt the right situation
My bf does most of the cleaning because it causes me to have panic attacks
Or if they need a freaking parade route planned every time they do a single task...one their wife does three times every day
Ah, yes, weaponized incompetence. They don't want partners, they want bang-maids. My first ex was this: he'd never done a load of laundry, he'd never fixed a meal (he could microwave things, but that was it), he'd never used a vacuum cleaner or picked up and dusted a room, he didn't even make his own bed. When I met George, I was blown away that he had his own apartment, it was clean, he cooked, he did laundry every week, he did his own grocery shopping... he was a responsible adult, turns out.
I'm bad about this. In treatment for depression and am actively trying to change this about myself. Executive dysfunction is a b***h.
Can you afford a weekly or bi-monthly housekeeping service? When my depression is off the charts, that's often one of my first go-to things to manage it. (Also, meal service.) It's so hard to get out of the spiral if you're too overwhelmed to clean up, and are depressed because everything's a mess. Sending you peace and strength. Depression sucks.
Load More Replies... After coming home from a long and tiring flight to find nothing done: "I'm a bloke! I don't du ironing."
Mind blowing how common this is. My ex was orphaned and then later raised by his uncle. He didn't and still refuses to live with his uncle bc he's treated like a pack mule, actually being made to do some cleaning and yard work. He had a bad upbringing and I felt bad but along with the lies and constantly thinking I'm cheating, he's a 25yo who can't figure out how to use a washer machine and when he cleans once in a blue moon, it's to bury dishes in his dresser
I remember one bit of advice which my Dad of all people gave me growing up "If your good at something, people will never stop asking you to do it. If your s**t at it, you only get asked to do it the once". Its advice which i try not to follow. But i would imagine its a common trope that is passed down through male relatives lol. Alot of guys are also content with much lower hygene standards than women are, not all mind you, but most. So while i do agree with what is said here, i would at least give them the chance to prove otherwise. When i first moved in with my wife, i was very much used to maintaining things to my own standards. I did try to keep a clean house, but things would definately get messy from time to time and i would have to do a big clean up. Her standards were MUCH higher, and it took a while for me to get up to those same standards. But i did get there. I'd say if they make no effort to improve, then sure, cut loose.
But if they are a bit messy at the start, but make steps to improve, cut them some slack. Mostly as this is a very common trope and you could be waiting a long time to find someone who is clean and tidy etc right of the bat.
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As a kid, I always learned how to cook some simple dishes like chili and PB cookies. Don't expect the other person to cook all of the food.
I pick up after myself and my kids. Nobody else. Grown a*s people can wash their own dish. If I cooked, that means I made the mess that means I get the KPS. If not oh well.
Oh no... I have a pile of dishes in the sink lol looks like I'm the red flag :(
Could also be a sign of mental health problems, but also weaponized incompetence. Sometimes could be hard to tell apart
Hey now. Some of us are just really bad at cleaning, haha. My bf and I are both terrible but every now and then we grit our teeth, work together and get things done. XD
To be fair. I'm a woman and suck at it too. I was not made to do chores as a kid. My mom cleaned up after us. We had a cleaner that came every other week. I wanted to mow the lawn but by the time I was old enough we had landscapers. I do clean but having ADHD & OCD makes it difficult. No, it all of us who are actually diagnosed with OCD are germaphobes. Besides. I'm not dirty. I'm just seriously messy. I clean the sink one day. Shower another day, toilet another day after that. It's clean. Just not all perfectly clean at the same time.
There’s a big difference between inability to do something and choosing to not do something.
Don't start on this women are the same or even worse this is a old dead horse stereotype that seems to never die sometimes that's just who they are they aren't a cleanly person and clean every once in a while but I wouldn't say the home has to be 100% clean everyday all the time along as it doesn't get to bad and once they realize it's bad and take action that's not a big deal I've met girls who want a daddy not a husband and expect the man to do every little chore task and deed..
Erm.. Okay, but my husband has ADHD and struggles with autism. He is also extremely depressed. He does a good job providing for the family, and does what he can. It's not exactly fair to lump everyone together in a group, as depression can do all kinds of horrible stuff to you. I should know, I have major depression too. We both try our best. We pay bills and the house is clean. Sometimes we forget to eat..
We are talking specifically about men as a group. If it doesn't apply to your situation, great. We still get to discuss the actions of a majority of men.
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Yes and no. My husband has ADD, is in the Autism spectrum and literally just can’t. He knows it too and tries really hard. I think the important takeaway is does he make up for it in other ways? Partnership is just that. A partnership. Some people just cannot manage it, eg. Einstein was a total slob. The bottom line is a partnership both are happy with, both find to be equitable and both are considerate of each other.
Never understood how somebody can marry a guy that won't help out with basic household. Don't u women spend some time together with your men cooking, helping people out together, spendind time in each other's houses before u get married? I would see red flags everywhere if my man would just sit on his a*s and get served by me or others. Or offer no help cleaning up. This are not men. Just boys in need of a new mother. Shame on their mommas not teaching them housework.
Shame on their mommas? You're part of the problem! You think it's ONLY the mother's job to train boys. Oh, the irony.
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Pushing small boundaries that aren’t a “big deal.” Then, once called out on it, backpedaling, apologizing for it and then DOING IT AGAIN.
According to him, real confidence is a skill that anyone can learn. However, it’s something that will take persistence, patience, and time. It won’t happen overnight.
"Confidence comes from repetition and mastery. The more you do ANYTHING, the more confident you become. The good news about this is everyone is capable of earning confidence," he told Bored Panda.
Self-reflection, for the fitness expert, is a vital component of improving one’s life. "Responding to failure is all about the story we tell ourselves. Do you tell yourself that you are a failure? Or do you tell yourself you failed, have now gotten feedback, and know how to get better? It’s all our perspective," he stressed that how we think, how we see ourselves, shapes who we are and how we act.
Embracing failure and seeing our mistakes as learning opportunities is the mature way of responding to what life might throw at us. Instead of throwing a temper tantrum or blaming ourselves for being ‘failures,’ we ought to realize that everything’s a temporary setback that we can definitely overcome.
I defer to Chris Rock: If you have been dating a guy for four months and you haven’t met any of his friends, you are not his girlfriend.
My girlfriend legit has zero desire to meet my friends. We've been together for four years. I keep offering, she just isn't very social and takes forever to get comfortable with others.
A man that blames everyone else for his problems, lack of job, lack of friends, money, etc.
Somene that is unwilling to take personal responsibility for improving his situation in life.
Kind of like unemployable white men who blame Mexican laborers for stealing the work?
Sexual pressure after you directly reject an advance. Healthy people with your interests in mind only need to hear no one time and are respectful of boundaries if they bring it up again in the future.
Refusing to admit that they could possibly be wrong. I have seen many men get super frustrated and aggressive over the idea that they could be possibly wrong about something.
To add onto this, many of these same men when presented with the proof of them being wrong they will either deflect or make it seem like it doesn't matter and that *you* were "making such a big deal about this".
We are all humans and we all make mistakes. I feel for many of these men they feel stupid and less "manly" if they are wrong about something. Being able to accept your mistakes and move on is a healthy trait.
Many men seem to (erroneously) believe that to admit to being wrong is a sign of weakness, as with many forms of vulnerability. A truly strong man is able to maintain a sense of humility, and to realize/embrace their mistakes as a way to grow and learn. No one is infallible, and one who tries to pretend they are is in fact displaying an extremely weak character.
If he checks your phone without permission, that to me is a huge red flag.
These apply to everyone not just men.
Most of them, yes. Edit: I'd like to elaborate a bit... The crucial thing is whether or not there is a power gap within the relationship. I've seen several pandas comment that their parents had such toxic traits (and so did mine). Clearly, between a parent (male or female) and a child, there's a power gap. Also, traditionally (and physically) there is a power gap in heterosexual relationships; that's why pointing out such red flags to women is a good thing, and if a man's knee jerk reaction is "but applies to women, too!", it may be a case of downplaying and minimizing this fact, as someone pointed out in the comments. But of course it is COMPLETELY possible to end up in a dependent relationship with a toxic female person; it's just much more frequent in heterosexual relationships to be on the woman's expense. Hope I got my point across... I didn't mean to offend or downplay anyone's experience. 🏳
Suddenly flying off the handle at a minor inconvenience. It's one thing to stub your toe at the end of a bad day and give the table a whack. It's another if every moment of stress or misfortune triggers rage.
Does he talk about always being ready to fight if necessary? Then he's a lunatic. Well adjusted people in things like MMA don't want to fight randomly and don't seek it out outside of the sport of it. Half the point is to have a place for your aggression in a controlled setting.
This can come from a place of trauma. People who've grown up or spent a long time being a victim of violence can feel like if they don't seem like they're always ready to defend themselves against physical attack they're automatically vulnerable.
If he is overtly angry when you talk to other people, (specifically other men) that's a major red flag and he's probably gonna start to be possessive over you by not letting you talk to anyone else.
If he talks about his ex too much. As someone who was in love with an ex for way too long, I was not ready for a relationship with anyone else.
Only talks about themselves
I’ll die on this hill: every man I’ve ever known who was an *outspoken* feminist was horrible to women behind the scenes.
Much better to be a feminist by action - get on with raising the kids, cooking the meals, or just going down on a woman.
Emotional manipulation, trying to guilt trap you
The pedant in me wanted to say, "I think you mean guilt *trip,*" but after thinking about it a moment, 'guilt trap' also works. Perhaps even better 🤔
If a guy tells you he's no good, listen.
I disagree. Someone who says this might simply suffer from low self-esteem. Not great but not necessarily a horrible thing... The idea is to lower the other person's expectations because one is afraid to be seen as a disappointment lateron... typical coping mechanism if you were never good enough when you grew up. Source: been there, done that.
His hyper focus on money. While this might be a plus in some women's opinion, this can also be a HUGE red flag.
I knew some men that was so focused on money they tried to put a price on everything, even a woman, her actions, her respect and what he is allowed to do simply because he pays for it.
This has serious ramifications due to him keeping track of everything he does for a woman and coming up with some weird idea that you owe him when things start to fall apart in the relationship.
Just keep an eye out.🚩🚩🚩
If he doesn't put in an effort to make you happy. It doesn't have to make you happy whatever he does but the fact he's putting in the effort means he truly cares about you enough that he cares about your mental health as well. Goes both ways.
If they wear sunglasses at night. You should never masquerade with the guy in the shades
Calls himself a feminist and apologizes on behalf of men. Political nice guy red flag. Bonus points if he apologize for being a man himself. He's trying to get in someone's pants.
This is not a call out of men who are feminist but those that wear the label but only engage in call out hot takes ie feels good in the moment but does the opposite of helping anything.
Goes for both sexes... If the person has no hobbies. Now you are their new hobby.
Not everybody need or want a hobby 🤷♂️ My "hobby "is the same like the carton bull 's Ferdinand...smell the roses 😂
Note: this post originally had 32 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.
How are these exclusive to men though? As if it's okay when women show the same red flags.
It’s is not. However, unfortunately, the vast majority of domestic abusers are men. And the vast majority of victims of those men are women. Therefore, it’s even more imperative that we educate women about red flags in men that often escalate into abuse.
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Ok but like 80% of what's listed here are generic toxic behaviors, that aren't exclusive to men.
If he's 'too' good to mommy. I've spent 36 years competing with his mother. She treats me like dirt, unless she needs something and he continually makes excuses for her or blames me. Now I know why his brother and family live so far away.
Oh yeah. If mommy is always going to be the first woman/love in his life, don't even start. You'll end up sitting on the sidelines watching him have a mother-son dance at your wedding with your new MiL in a beaded, floor-length white gown.
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Any guy who refers to himself as an "Alpha Male" is *severely* insecure on the inside, so they have to be outwardly obnoxious to compensate for it.
Any guy who refers to himself as an alpha male is in fact a beta male, and by that I mean a small d**k piece of s**t
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One sadly learned from experience: if he at any point says you can’t leave the relationship without agreement from BOTH sides - run. Or if he uses the ‘we’re in a relationship that means you can’t say no to anything I want to do in bed’
I learned a few others the hard way, too. 1) He "tests" you with little lies/jokes to see your reaction. 2) Calls himself "a nice guy" or brags about how "responsible" he is. 3) Shows up places where you are to "surprise" you. 4) Lovebombing/rushing things/saying "I love you" right away. 5) You are always the butt of the joke, and/or when you're with friends, he's always mocking you and putting you down, but telling you privately that it's "just a joke." 6) They want you with them ALL. THE. TIME.
My fiancee took me to meet his family and extended family. When he left to smoke, they all jumped on me about what a loser he was. I yelled at them about how horrible they all were. I was so mad. The next time he went to smoke, I went with him and so did one of his uncles. His uncle told me that you don't marry single moms, you just sleep with them. On and on about how worthless single moms are. I look at my fiancee with wide eyes (Uncle didn't know I was a single mother) and he shakes his head no to let me know I shouldn't say anything... And he didn't either. He was ready to fight anyone and everyone over anything but when it counted, he did nothing. Red flag.
Guys who never give gifts or celebrate holidays because they think it’s too commercial. It’s just a mask for lack of generosity.
And they don't want to have to remember things and make an effort.
Load More Replies... For men and women I’d like to add - Small acts of disrespect including speaking over you when you’re talking, interrupting, physically leaning on you when you don’t want it or jabbing you with a finger for emphasis. Disrespect.
My wife and I are ridiculously lucky to have found each other 21 years ago next week.
If he comes down to the comments section of an article like this and does some version of “this applies to everyone though”. Of course it does, but we’re not talking about everyone here. Defensive at a perceived slight- red flag.
There are a lot of people, male and female pointing out the same thing.
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Why can't we get some articles caled "Guys, 22 examples of toxic behaviour in women" or "Guys share examples of terrible dates" I get it men are the statistically more often the abusers but women are not all innocent and pure, some of them are downright terrible.
You know you can write and publish articles here yourself, right? Go ahead and do it! Or make one that's gender neutral.
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If he ever refers to himself as a “nice guy”. You shouldn’t have say that, it should be obvious. Run.
Another big one: if he doesn't have any, or very strained, contact with all of his family members. Am not talking about ppl who were raised in a foster system, or have a past of being abused (= having legitimate reasons). This is about ppl who just act like they have no family even though they are there and/ or dismiss their entire family as idiots/ bad people. Often this type of person does not have any real or long-time friends either. Their family probably does not want anything to do with THEM, not the other way around. And that's for a reason. Not exclusive to men of course.
Most people that have strained contact with their family members is due to some kind of abuse or neglect in their past. It may not be apparent on the surface but people don't just turn away from their support network without some kind of catalyst. Often what you're seeing is the result of a maladaptive copying mechanism that served them in their developing years but is not working in their adult years.
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Most of these can apply to anyone regardless of gender. Toxic is toxic, full stop. In my experience, #23 is dangerous. It could just be that the person has low self esteem (which I can understand and be supportive and encouraging for) but sometimes it's also a way for manipulative people to avoid responsibility. To me, this one is hard to spot unless it's happened enough for a pattern to be visible. The rest are plain as day, easy to spot, for me, especially anything related to a tendency towards violence and rage (two of the most unattractive qualities a partner can have, besides dishonesty).
The drywall sign COULD SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE FROM DV. THIS NEEDS TO BE #1 not #8. I read this reddit post a few days ago. This was mentioned so many times and was THE NUMBER ONE sign/red flag by number up upvotes. EDITOR & WRITER: please put this FIRST. This to protect against violence
Love all the comments that are "not just men though". A HUGE sign of someone who still has not looked through a woman's perspective. As pointed out before, it's power dynamics. When men get into relationships with toxic women showcasing these traits, they do not typically end up dead, abused, raped, or trapped in a marriage/living situation with said person. While women trapped in this relationship dynamic very, very, VERY often do. It costs them their friends and family and safety and mental health, and sometimes lives. And very often (especially with the Roe v Wade horror reality we live in now), their children get trapped with these abusive men too (as shown by EVERY commenter saying "literally my dad").
I wanted to add that some of these “toxic” traits are signs of unchecked mental and emotional illnesses or trauma. These things can improve with therapy and long term effort! Sometimes it seems like these “red flag” discussions encourage people to drop anyone with any problems.. but seriously, I think everyone including me and you have some red-flag behaviors that we need to work on.
This is an important point. There may be a few things to flag in the initial stages, but it doesn't always end up being a deal-breaker. My depression is absolutely a red flag, but the fact that I'm committed to continually managing it mitigates that. Still, if I were single and dating, it's something that others would and should note, and I get that many wouldn't want to even start a relationship because of the potential problems. Sure, that hole in the drywall might be innocent, but it's always contextual. If there are holes in the drywall, he drives like an a*****e, and he is a jerk to baristas, that shows a bigger picture.
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Here's one. If they still hold emotional pain from past experiences. And I mean, in a not so normal/healthy way. I learned this the hard way, as my ex held on to every little thing (and also had communication issues), so it piled up over the years. This generally stems from childhood issues (same with communication issues).
I know this won't be a popular opinion. But the reason woman date and even stay with the jerks, big mouths, cheaters, abusers, etc. is because woman especially young woman have very primitive minds when it comes to picking a mate. I know a woman in her late 50s and she still pines after a man that treated her like c**p.
Some of these may be pretty close to spot on advice but quite a few are absolutely over generalizations and a couple are pure bullsh*^😎
Fifteen Minutes...a wise friend told me eons ago a person will tell you all about themselves, if you look and listen in 15mins. My perfect example: 1st date on the way to dine it's silent, asked the guy to tell me 5 things about himself; favorite color...ANYTHING...he sputtered a bit & launched into "My Ex..blah blah blah..." 🚩Numero Uno. At dinner he seated me w/my back to the room facing the wall. 🚩Part Deux. I make eye contact Always...I having nothing but the wall and his eyes to look at promted a "Why do you keep Staring at me" tesponse...We're 🚩🚩🚩for three. Did I listen...Hell no, cuz I'm an idiot...did I lose my self esteem, money and anything else I valued? Hell yes...cuz I'm an idiot.🙄 Have I ever dated in the nine years since, or will I again? Hell No cuz I did not listen to my own advise, can't trust my instincts and...I'm an Idiot. 😱 For ALL genders, no matter how you Identify...if you see/hear the First 🚩 Flag, take it from a bitter born again-vergin...Run...just Run...Please🙏
Name one person Man or Woman who does not poses any of those traits, just one. seems like an impossible task, like finding the most perfect human that ever existed.
If you really want to see someone's true colors, take em to play pool. You will learn really quick what type of temperament they have.
I'd say, "I'm happy to go play pool, but I'm warning you, I completely SUCK at it, lol". I've only played a couple of times in my life. I do think it's fun though!!
Load More Replies... Not at all. If you are jewish you are required to wear your hat (yarmulke) at all times. If you are hassidic as a woman you must wear your shawl at all times. So no. Furthermore, in a cold country, I found as an african that it was too cold unless I always wore a hat. (Bald). So no.
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Red flag: being a great cook but he tells you everytime you cook something new he tells you to not make it again. Or that he doesn't eat sweets but a family member sends you a speciality candy found only in a certain place and you go to get a piece and it's gone and he tells you he ate because he didn't want it to go bad. Oh btw I didn't get a single piece of the candy. Or tells you not to join the conversation and to talk to the wife who doesn't say 2 words to you. And isn't saying anything. Goes back to college and refuses to give a copy of his scheduled classes (medical emergencies and elderly parents only living sibling). Won't spend a holiday with your family only his. Honeymoon just driving never stopping or enjoying any sightseeing in different towns just driving in freeways that are flat lands and nothing to look at and your board out of your mind
How are these exclusive to men though? As if it's okay when women show the same red flags.
It’s is not. However, unfortunately, the vast majority of domestic abusers are men. And the vast majority of victims of those men are women. Therefore, it’s even more imperative that we educate women about red flags in men that often escalate into abuse.
Load More Replies... Ok but like 80% of what's listed here are generic toxic behaviors, that aren't exclusive to men.
If he's 'too' good to mommy. I've spent 36 years competing with his mother. She treats me like dirt, unless she needs something and he continually makes excuses for her or blames me. Now I know why his brother and family live so far away.
Oh yeah. If mommy is always going to be the first woman/love in his life, don't even start. You'll end up sitting on the sidelines watching him have a mother-son dance at your wedding with your new MiL in a beaded, floor-length white gown.
Load More Replies... Any guy who refers to himself as an "Alpha Male" is *severely* insecure on the inside, so they have to be outwardly obnoxious to compensate for it.
Any guy who refers to himself as an alpha male is in fact a beta male, and by that I mean a small d**k piece of s**t
Load More Replies... One sadly learned from experience: if he at any point says you can’t leave the relationship without agreement from BOTH sides - run. Or if he uses the ‘we’re in a relationship that means you can’t say no to anything I want to do in bed’
I learned a few others the hard way, too. 1) He "tests" you with little lies/jokes to see your reaction. 2) Calls himself "a nice guy" or brags about how "responsible" he is. 3) Shows up places where you are to "surprise" you. 4) Lovebombing/rushing things/saying "I love you" right away. 5) You are always the butt of the joke, and/or when you're with friends, he's always mocking you and putting you down, but telling you privately that it's "just a joke." 6) They want you with them ALL. THE. TIME.
My fiancee took me to meet his family and extended family. When he left to smoke, they all jumped on me about what a loser he was. I yelled at them about how horrible they all were. I was so mad. The next time he went to smoke, I went with him and so did one of his uncles. His uncle told me that you don't marry single moms, you just sleep with them. On and on about how worthless single moms are. I look at my fiancee with wide eyes (Uncle didn't know I was a single mother) and he shakes his head no to let me know I shouldn't say anything... And he didn't either. He was ready to fight anyone and everyone over anything but when it counted, he did nothing. Red flag.
Guys who never give gifts or celebrate holidays because they think it’s too commercial. It’s just a mask for lack of generosity.
And they don't want to have to remember things and make an effort.
Load More Replies... For men and women I’d like to add - Small acts of disrespect including speaking over you when you’re talking, interrupting, physically leaning on you when you don’t want it or jabbing you with a finger for emphasis. Disrespect.
My wife and I are ridiculously lucky to have found each other 21 years ago next week.
If he comes down to the comments section of an article like this and does some version of “this applies to everyone though”. Of course it does, but we’re not talking about everyone here. Defensive at a perceived slight- red flag.
There are a lot of people, male and female pointing out the same thing.
Load More Replies... Why can't we get some articles caled "Guys, 22 examples of toxic behaviour in women" or "Guys share examples of terrible dates" I get it men are the statistically more often the abusers but women are not all innocent and pure, some of them are downright terrible.
You know you can write and publish articles here yourself, right? Go ahead and do it! Or make one that's gender neutral.
Load More Replies... If he ever refers to himself as a “nice guy”. You shouldn’t have say that, it should be obvious. Run.
Another big one: if he doesn't have any, or very strained, contact with all of his family members. Am not talking about ppl who were raised in a foster system, or have a past of being abused (= having legitimate reasons). This is about ppl who just act like they have no family even though they are there and/ or dismiss their entire family as idiots/ bad people. Often this type of person does not have any real or long-time friends either. Their family probably does not want anything to do with THEM, not the other way around. And that's for a reason. Not exclusive to men of course.
Most people that have strained contact with their family members is due to some kind of abuse or neglect in their past. It may not be apparent on the surface but people don't just turn away from their support network without some kind of catalyst. Often what you're seeing is the result of a maladaptive copying mechanism that served them in their developing years but is not working in their adult years.
Load More Replies... Most of these can apply to anyone regardless of gender. Toxic is toxic, full stop. In my experience, #23 is dangerous. It could just be that the person has low self esteem (which I can understand and be supportive and encouraging for) but sometimes it's also a way for manipulative people to avoid responsibility. To me, this one is hard to spot unless it's happened enough for a pattern to be visible. The rest are plain as day, easy to spot, for me, especially anything related to a tendency towards violence and rage (two of the most unattractive qualities a partner can have, besides dishonesty).
The drywall sign COULD SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE FROM DV. THIS NEEDS TO BE #1 not #8. I read this reddit post a few days ago. This was mentioned so many times and was THE NUMBER ONE sign/red flag by number up upvotes. EDITOR & WRITER: please put this FIRST. This to protect against violence
Love all the comments that are "not just men though". A HUGE sign of someone who still has not looked through a woman's perspective. As pointed out before, it's power dynamics. When men get into relationships with toxic women showcasing these traits, they do not typically end up dead, abused, raped, or trapped in a marriage/living situation with said person. While women trapped in this relationship dynamic very, very, VERY often do. It costs them their friends and family and safety and mental health, and sometimes lives. And very often (especially with the Roe v Wade horror reality we live in now), their children get trapped with these abusive men too (as shown by EVERY commenter saying "literally my dad").
I wanted to add that some of these “toxic” traits are signs of unchecked mental and emotional illnesses or trauma. These things can improve with therapy and long term effort! Sometimes it seems like these “red flag” discussions encourage people to drop anyone with any problems.. but seriously, I think everyone including me and you have some red-flag behaviors that we need to work on.
This is an important point. There may be a few things to flag in the initial stages, but it doesn't always end up being a deal-breaker. My depression is absolutely a red flag, but the fact that I'm committed to continually managing it mitigates that. Still, if I were single and dating, it's something that others would and should note, and I get that many wouldn't want to even start a relationship because of the potential problems. Sure, that hole in the drywall might be innocent, but it's always contextual. If there are holes in the drywall, he drives like an a*****e, and he is a jerk to baristas, that shows a bigger picture.
Load More Replies... Here's one. If they still hold emotional pain from past experiences. And I mean, in a not so normal/healthy way. I learned this the hard way, as my ex held on to every little thing (and also had communication issues), so it piled up over the years. This generally stems from childhood issues (same with communication issues).
I know this won't be a popular opinion. But the reason woman date and even stay with the jerks, big mouths, cheaters, abusers, etc. is because woman especially young woman have very primitive minds when it comes to picking a mate. I know a woman in her late 50s and she still pines after a man that treated her like c**p.
Some of these may be pretty close to spot on advice but quite a few are absolutely over generalizations and a couple are pure bullsh*^😎
Fifteen Minutes...a wise friend told me eons ago a person will tell you all about themselves, if you look and listen in 15mins. My perfect example: 1st date on the way to dine it's silent, asked the guy to tell me 5 things about himself; favorite color...ANYTHING...he sputtered a bit & launched into "My Ex..blah blah blah..." 🚩Numero Uno. At dinner he seated me w/my back to the room facing the wall. 🚩Part Deux. I make eye contact Always...I having nothing but the wall and his eyes to look at promted a "Why do you keep Staring at me" tesponse...We're 🚩🚩🚩for three. Did I listen...Hell no, cuz I'm an idiot...did I lose my self esteem, money and anything else I valued? Hell yes...cuz I'm an idiot.🙄 Have I ever dated in the nine years since, or will I again? Hell No cuz I did not listen to my own advise, can't trust my instincts and...I'm an Idiot. 😱 For ALL genders, no matter how you Identify...if you see/hear the First 🚩 Flag, take it from a bitter born again-vergin...Run...just Run...Please🙏
Name one person Man or Woman who does not poses any of those traits, just one. seems like an impossible task, like finding the most perfect human that ever existed.
If you really want to see someone's true colors, take em to play pool. You will learn really quick what type of temperament they have.
I'd say, "I'm happy to go play pool, but I'm warning you, I completely SUCK at it, lol". I've only played a couple of times in my life. I do think it's fun though!!
Load More Replies... Not at all. If you are jewish you are required to wear your hat (yarmulke) at all times. If you are hassidic as a woman you must wear your shawl at all times. So no. Furthermore, in a cold country, I found as an african that it was too cold unless I always wore a hat. (Bald). So no.
Load More Replies... Red flag: being a great cook but he tells you everytime you cook something new he tells you to not make it again. Or that he doesn't eat sweets but a family member sends you a speciality candy found only in a certain place and you go to get a piece and it's gone and he tells you he ate because he didn't want it to go bad. Oh btw I didn't get a single piece of the candy. Or tells you not to join the conversation and to talk to the wife who doesn't say 2 words to you. And isn't saying anything. Goes back to college and refuses to give a copy of his scheduled classes (medical emergencies and elderly parents only living sibling). Won't spend a holiday with your family only his. Honeymoon just driving never stopping or enjoying any sightseeing in different towns just driving in freeways that are flat lands and nothing to look at and your board out of your mind
