This Woman Breaks Up With Her Fiancé Because He’s In Love With Her Sister, Finds Out That Her Mom Wants To Attend Their Wedding
A lot of people would agree that family is one of the most important things in a person’s life. Some say we can’t choose family and thus have to accept these close people for who they are. But life is full of complex situations that help to test ourselves and those who are around us. It also shows who these people really are and if they are ready to lend us a helping hand. Reddit user @mommyinthemud decided to share the situation her family had to go through and ask people online if she made the right choice under these circumstances.
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It’s a good feeling to be sure that your family will always have your back, unless your sibling is marrying your ex
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The woman shared that she is a mother to two daughters, 30-year-old Jennifer, and 28-year-old Hayleigh. Her older daughter was engaged to her fiancé Sam, however, their wedding was called off because it turned out that Hayleigh and Sam fell in love with each other. Of course, this situation caused a lot of family drama. The woman shared that she talked about this with both Hayleigh and Sam. The mother pointed out to her daughter that what Sam did to Jennifer, he can do the same to her. Hayleigh convinced her mother that their relationship was true and that Sam didn’t want to marry her sister because Hayleigh and Sam knew that they belonged together.
This Reddit user decided to share her family situation after finding out that her younger daughter was in love with her sister’s fiancé
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The woman shared that her older daughter’s wedding was called off because her fiancé and her sister had feelings for each other
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The mother tried to understand the situation as best as possible by talking with her younger daughter and the fiancé
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After a year of being together, the couple decided to get married. This brought new issues to the already disrupted family. It was revealed that since the incident, the woman’s husband supported their older daughter and even told her that he will not give his blessing to Sam and won’t be walking Hayleigh down the aisle. Of course, Jennifer didn’t take the news of the wedding too well and was upset when she heard that her mom wants to go to the wedding.
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However, this situation ripped their family apart as her husband decided to support their older daughter
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The woman believes that her older daughter needs to forgive and move on so they all can be a family again
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The woman shared that she tried talking with her older daughter, asking her to forgive and move on, as this whole situation is ripping their family apart. The mother shared that she wants to support both of her daughters but it’s getting harder having in mind the circumstances. Because of this, she asked people online if it would be wrong for her to attend her younger daughter’s wedding knowing that it would hurt her other daughter’s feelings.
Now that the couple decided to get married, the whole situation became even worse
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The older daughter blamed the mother for always justifying her sister’s behavior
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A lot of users online found the mother to be wrong in this situation, pointing out that she clearly prioritizes her younger daughter Hayleigh over Jennifer. Some of them even thought that it’s great that her husband has Jennifer’s back because she’s being totally wrong by siding with Hayleigh and Sam. What is your take on this situation? Don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments down below!
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After the woman told her she would be attending her sister’s wedding, the daughter stated that she then will never speak to her again
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For those who were curious about the whole situation, the woman provided some more details
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Users online were quick to see that the mother was in the wrong here and clearly prioritized one of her daughters over the other
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A horrible situation, however I would not say she is being an Ahole. If he was engaged and started to have feelings for someone else, it's a bad situation, but he did the right thing to call off the wedding. It's unfortunate that it was her sister, but it was clearly a mutual feeling, and not just a fling. The sister has every right to not attend the wedding and be pissed at them, and the father has every right to hate the man who dumped his daughter, but it's not right that they demand the poster cut her daughter out her life too. A few years down the line, the sister will likely have met someone new and be happy, but the relationship between the mother and the other daughter will be permanently damaged by missing her wedding
The problem would be if the cheated on the sister before calling the relation off. Thats terrible.
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Let me tell you, as an older person, and a parent, that mother is NTA. She is doing everything possible to love both daughters unconditionally, without condoning the questionable behaviour of one daughter. I am in awe of her calm and rational handling of an impossible situation. It sounds like she needs to fully hear Jennifer out about her sense of childhood favouritism for Hayleigh, and if Hayleigh has had a pattern of always stealing what Jennifer wants, because Jennifer needs to be heard and validated. Other than that, this mother is doing EVERYTHING right in terms of being honest about how she feels about the situation and the behaviour, and loving her children unconditionally anyway. It's an impossible situation for her, but I'm in awe of her.
I disagree. Haleigh is marrying a dirtbag and is a dirtbag herself, as she either cheated with her sister's BF or dated her sister's ex knowing exactly what kind of problems that would cause. If you love your children unconditionally, you don't cut them off when they're being total dirtbags, but you don't condone their behavior and you sure as hell don't urge the party they've injured to forgive in the name of family harmony. She isn't urging Jennifer to forgive because Haleigh's actions were condonable, she's urging Haleigh to forgive because it's the only way the mother can pretend everything is okay.
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Honestly, everybody sucks here. Except Jennifer. I can't even imagine NOT rejecting a man who wanted to jump from my sister to me. My relationship with my sister would be sacrosanct. The real a*****e is Hayleigh, because she would destroy her relationship with her sister over a man. Obviously, Sam is TA too. But in my mind, Hayleigh is worse.
The dad seems to have some sense. He’s not cutting off Hayleigh but he’s not giving her his blessing or walking her down the aisle. Reasonable consequences. LW seems to be far more concerned with this than Jennifer’s feelings. Jennifer is wise not to want to attend the wedding or have her parents attend as it will be a ritual of humiliation for her.
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Odd that it's too late to tell a 28-year-old that they're in the wrong but apparently not a 30-year-old. She also seems to be moving quite quickly (lays harsh truth then offers to mediate right now, gets serious ultimatum and doesn't seem to even consider it). Combined with talking about Christmas, it seems she just wants the family to look good. That means solving issues, not just telling people to get over it. She says her eldest daughter and her husband are "ignoring the reality of it", but I'd say they're aware of the reality and want nothing to do with it, she needs to come to understand (whether by her thoughts or her husband's/daughter's words) this in order to have any chance of the family reconciling. Also, responding "you need to move on" to the accusation she didn't pay enough attention somewhat speaks to ignoring her own responsibilities and making others do the work. She's an AH, but not for attending the wedding.
I'm torn on this one. The mother is pushing her oldest too hard. Only time will help her decide if she's going to forgive. You can't force that on anyone. That's a huge major life altering betrayal. She doesn't sound very empathetic to what she's going through and putting all the blame and responsibility on her is so unfair. Whatever the mother did in the past is now coming to bite her in the ass as well.
You're torn? She's taking the side of the sister who caused the hurt, not the sister who got betrayed. This seems to be a running theme in the family.
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The mom seemed to accept the sister being the reason for the breakup very quickly. She even said she didn’t want to know how the relationship even started behind Jennifer’s back or any other details. And her “talk” with Sam seemed more like a reassuring one for her, not that she was expressing any hurt towards him. I think from Jennifer’s point of view that does make it seem like the mother is favoring the other daughter - there were no consequences for Hayleigh’s behavior. This all needed to be addressed way before a wedding was planned. And now to say “just get over it already” is even more hurtful. Going to the wedding is probably the last straw for Jennifer.
This. Jennifer had to call off her own wedding only one year ago because her sister "has known for a long time that in fact she was meant to be with Jennifer's fiancé". Only one year later she has to stomach the big wedding that would have been hers? Seriously, Hayleigh is an uberbitch. The least they could have done is wait to get married and make it a small event. Jennifer has been hurt in an incredible way by her sister, and now faces a public humiliation and a mother who is particularly dismissive of her feelings. This whole wedding should not have been planned to begin with. It also seems Hayleigh has no consideration at all for her sister (hey listen, I'm gonna steal your fiancé, it's meant to be, see you at our wedding in a year, bye) and I got the impression that this lack of consideration for Jennifer's feelings has been instilled by the mother, which would confirm Jennifer's complaint that Hayleigh was always the favourite daughter. The mother is egotistical and delusional.
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What kills me is that the mother won't even *acknowledge* Jennifer's feelings. Totaly gaslighting going on there. "Don't feel bad." "You should be grateful".... makes me a bit sick to my stomach.
&& had the older daughter mentioned what her younger sister did in her earlier years, I'm SURE the mother would've just disregarded it just as much as she is with this situation. "Oh, it's not that bad. You're looking too much into it. There's no need to be so upset." Mom is TOTAL AH in this, as is the younger sister & fiancè. PERIOD.
The mother is doing the best she can for both her daughter's. Hayleigh however is being selfish to put on a full blown wedding when she basically was instrumental in her sisters completely broken heart. They should have quietly eloped. Instead there's a whole wedding with guests who know both sisters and all the history. How could Jennifer hope to face all these people basically wishing the couple who have hurt her a happy ever after. This is what putting your big pants on is really about. There is so much pain and conflict, minimise it and the memory of it don't flaunt it and make it the centre of gossip, taking sides and all that comes with that.
That definitely would have been the more graceful way to handle it. I thin grace is in short supply these days, though
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As an aside, I'm pretty happy that Jennifer didn't end up marrying a cheater.
What a disgusting individual that mother is. She's telling her daughter to "get over" the fact that HER SISTER seduced her fiance. She's obviously always favored Hayleigh and she can't even being herself to take responsibility for it.
Red flag: when Jennifer said that Hayleigh has been stealing what Jennifer has ever since they were children, and her mother said, "You should have told me then." Nope. Jennifer is being silenced and gas-lit and her feelings minimized. The other red flag is that after only one year of dating, this couple are planning a wedding. They should understand the hurt and turmoil they have caused Jennifer, the division they have created in the family, and they should have either had a quiet, small wedding, not gotten married, or waited in the hopes that peace could be reconciled. This is not dating your sister's boyfriend that she dated for a month in high school, this is "I am marrying my sister's fiancé." Personally, If I had feelings for a sibling's partner or a friend's partner, I would stuff that down, take that to the grave, or expect never to hear from my sister, and possibly my parents, ever again.
As an older person, I've seen things like this just too many times over the decades. The "less capable", often younger, kid gets all the attention and support while the ones that do well get sidelined. It's gets even worse when the "capable" kids are to make concessions (or "sacrifices") for what now looks like the favourite child. Parents often don't even realized they were really messing up their kid until some observer pointed it out.
Poor Jen. What a horrible thing to have gone through. Her own sister betraying her in such a disgusting way. Hayleigh is scum and so is the mom for sweeping it all under a rug and acting like Jen should just get over it because the mom says so. Mom is a creep and she could lose her husband if she's not more sensitive
Horrible situation and I really hope Jennifer will find (or perhaps already has) her own happiness. Whilst I believe sometimes we can't help who we love, but we also have to ask ourselves is it worth it? In this case, Hailegh has chosen a douche rather than keep her loyalty to her sister, her own blood, that's her choice but I wish the mom/OP doesn't condone the wedding party as that's just blatantly an AH move. So yes, this time I have to say OP, YTA!!!
There is plenty of AH to go around in this story. Mom: yes you are an AH. Not for your support of your daughter but for your expectation that everyone else should forgive and move on like you have. Help Jennifer move past this instead of slapping a coat of Let's Be Happy paint on it. But help her in her way not because of your agenda. Jennifer: You need counseling. Even if you're 100% right and mom loves Hayleigh more you need to talk to someone in a productive way about this. This is how bitter and angry people are made. Hayleigh and Sam: You are terrible people. Stop focusing on yourselves, cancel the wedding or quietly elope. Even if Jennifer is awful what you did is utterly despicable.
Problems started in this household way before the engagement. This new couple will get divorced anyway. They are also too uoung to be married particularly due to the fact that none of them are ready
It's very clear Hayleigh is most definitely the favourite daughter. Mother is being very forgiving and making excuses for Hayleigh's betrayal yet is showing no compassion towards Jennifer and is being too hard
Sam is an AH. Hayleigh is an even big AH. The mother is not an AH, but she is a spineless loser. Jennifer will eventually get over it, as she will realize that she is better off without Sam. Whether or not she decides to forgive Hayleigh is another story. Jennifer and her dad are the only ones in the right here. The way I see it, the mother and father should not attend the wedding, nor should Hayleigh and Sam be welcome in their home until Jennifer is ready to accept them. That does not mean that the parents should cut Hayleigh off. They should still speak with her and meet her alone on her own. In the event Hayleigh has children, they should be allowed to visit their grandparents with Hayleigh, and even attend family events without Hayleigh. Only once Jennifer has healed, moved on and is ready to see Hayleigh again, if that ever happens, can the parents hope to do something as a family. Hayleigh is the one at fault here, and Jennifer should not have to pay for her treachery.
The real AH in all of this are Hayleigh and Sam. The fact that his being in love with Hayleigh is the reason that he called off the wedding shows that he cheated with her. Hayleigh hurt her sister deeply and seems to not care. Mom is doing the best she can in this very uncomfortable situation. She needs to sit down with Jennifer and have a discussion about how long Hayleigh has been stealing things from her. In my opinion, if Sam were a decent person, he would just walk away and not be with either sister.
If Hayleigh had any remorse or idea of what she’d done, she wouldn’t put any of the family in this situation. But, she is rubbing salt in the wound again with this wedding. Maybe she needs to learn her actions have consequences - like not having a big wedding or a wedding where she doesn’t put her mom in such a situation. The mom is just not recognizing this, instead she is expecting the injured party to just have to grin and bear it. Why should she?
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I wonder what Sam’s parents think of this mess. I sympathize with true love but it seems like Haleigh’s old enough to know how to keep her hands off another couple who had promised their future together. It was a purely deliberate act with a weak-willed boy/man. If it was the real deal and they go ahead with the marriage then fine… but don’t expect Jennifer to be happy about wasting her time with this back-stabbing sister and conniving fiance. Yes, she’s better off in the long run. Here’s where I differ from most of the opinions. If mom feels like she needs to go to Haleigh’s wedding then she should go without ANY expectations that Jennifer or dad will want to attend. Period. Don’t make her feel bad about it. What mother worth anything is going to deny either child? Jennifer should go on a sweet girlfriends trip. Dad should be available by phone. Mom should work carefully to keep the girls separated forevermore. Mom should not be tricky about it. This is the new reality get used to it
Mom is wrong and I say that as a mother.. I get she loves her kids but Hayleigh is unapologetic, thinks she did nothing wrong, and mom supporting her justifies that even if she weak sells that bit about thinking hard about if he’ll cheat on her too. They don’t care about Jennifer and have said as much but mom isn’t hearing that. Mom wants it to just go away but it’s never going away. There is no fixing it and ‘choosing’ the selfish daughter and scum husband will not only destroy her relationship with her hurt daughter but her marriage. If I were her husband I couldn’t stay with a woman who would favor one child over another in this way. By rejecting it she would, in a way, be supporting both daughters and the family as a whole, it would send a hard message that she does not condone the relationship in the way dad did and may wake the younger daughter up. If not then it would at least be a show of character. Either way this family is broken and can never be fixed.
I believe the mother is NTA. She might not be handling Jennifer in the right way but i truly believe she tries to not pick one over the other by not going to the wedding. She wants to go to her daughers wedding. I get that it means a lot to a mother. A friend of mine cheated on his wife. Altho his parents know he was definitely wrong they didnt stop loving him. I am not saying the decision is right but i get where she is coming from.
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I love how she chooses to ignore the part that Sam & Haley whatever her stupid white name is, were cheating together on her oldest daughter. Sam isn't just in love with her, he's been porking her for a while behind his original fiance's back
'Stupid white name'. Best line in the whole thread. Definitely first world problems.
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I had a very young,dysfunctional,abusive marriage, separated, met a man who treated me better than I'd ever known, divorced, dated 6 months, then introduced my sister. After some confusion & humiliation, I retreated,crushed, back to the abuse.They've been happily married for 20+years now. I've been ok, alone many years. Life hurts, but you live. And love does happen. I couldn't tell who's the a..hole whether I was young or old.
This is a tragic situation and the truth is none of us can really comment because we are not directly involved. We don't know the personal dynamics of the family and we sure as heck should not be making judgement on anyone.
You know what is funny... (I mean maybe not funny, but hear me out). This sounds like one of those Romcom movies where the guy is trying to make people happy by marrying his original fiance, but has the decency to call it off because he fell in love with her sister. And the audience would be all "Awwww's" and sh*t, but this is a complete clusterf*ck. This is reality. Regardless if there was cheating, I pulled out a few opinions. 1) IT WAS CALLED OFF, THANK GOD. Forbid Jen finding out years later married to the guy. 2) There is no right answer in this situation. It's such a gray area that no matter what the mother or father does, the reality is between Jennifer, her sister, and her ex-fiance. Comments are appreciated, I'm here all night
There is a movie called Forces of Nature with Ben Affleck and Sandra Bullock. *Spoliers* He was getting married and had to travel cross country to get there, Sandra Bullock was a stranger who ended up hitching a ride with him. The whole movie was cutesy crap where you thought they were gonna get together. But once he saw his fiancée he realized how much he loved her and that his “feelings” for Sandra Bullock’s character were more situational than anything. Best ending for a movie like that I’ve seen.
Load More Replies... This is a purgatory. I feel for the mom on this. She is being burdened with the problems of others. Personally I believe this family needs to seek professional help to work through these issues. I am in support of the mom for sticking to her beliefs to love both daughters unconditionally. I believe that is true strength. I hope your family can heal.
She is burdening herself. She just wants the Christmas dinners back. It would be more "convenient" for her if everyone played along and pretended that Sam and the sister are not a massive problem
Load More Replies... I agree with (what seems to be) most of you guys; i don't get how the mom is TA here. It's an impossible situation and she's doing the best that she can. She's dealing with the reality of this marriage, not pretending it isn't happening just because it began in an admittedly very icky way. What are the rest of the family going to do if the marriage last? Sorry, we don't accept your 20-year relationship because it broke Jennifer's heart when it started? What happens if there are kids? Are they going to refuse to see their grandchildren/nieces or nephews because of how their parents got together?
Well, I think it's like this: The mother is offering one of her daughters genuinely unconditional support, and highly conditional support to the other. If you can call telling someone to shut up and forgive support at all. It's pretty damn clear who the favorite daughter is.
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It's a really fúcked up situation, that kind of situation, when no matter what, things would not turn out in a happy ending. Maybe, with time. I wouldn't be so eager to condemn the mother as YTA, like the reddit-users are. She doesn't want to burn all bridges with one of her children, which is totally understandable. She doesn't want to play the judge in a very delicate situation.
NTA. Her daughters are grown up people who make their own decisions and should not involve their parents in their stupid games. Jennifer needs to get over it adn find herself a new and better man. The couple should elope, though, and not pretend like everythign is normal. Sorry, but no walking down the aisle etc crap when you are marrying the ex of your sister.
NTA! This is crazy! The stress imparted by these stories is usually assuaged by the commenters at the end. I've never disagreed before. I feel for everyone here. Everyone is hurt and doing their best to keep it together. That dude sucks. Life isn't a movie. That's a crummy thing to do. You shouldn't allow yourself to "fall in love" if you're already in a committed relationship. I hope he treats her well so she doesn't have to learn the hard way. Even if he won't hurt her, he hurt a whole family in favor of his feelings. Selfish at the very least. Gross. I hope they all get past this with relationships intact. My heart goes out to them all.
I can't believe the responses in the original post. This is a shitty situation, but you can be there for someone you love without agreeing with them. Especially when it's your child. A mother should not have to choose between children because one is mad and giving 'if you really love me' ultimatum.
NTA it's an almost impossible situation and I can well imagine how badly hurt Jennifer is. I don't think you will ever be able to repair your girls' relationship and you may just have to accept that but they are both and always will be your little girls and of course you will be there and try to support both of them. To me you sound very balanced and like a superb Mum. Polarising the situation is not going to help anyone. Sending you a big hug and the very sincere hope that Jennifer will find genuine happiness with someone who truly loves her and also realise that her mum adores and is there for her. The advice you gave would be terribly hard to hear for anyone but is 100% true and somehow poor Jennifer has to swallow that. This Sam would never have loved her as much as she deserves.
The mom is doing the right thing. Everybody else is nuts. If my fiance left me for my sister, I'd wish them well and NEVER put my mother in such a ridiculous position. Everybody else is the AH, not the mom.
NTA. The mother is doing the best she can do in that situation. The mom sounds like a nice person with a great head on her shoulders who was put in a crazy situation not of her doing. The others are the AH. Personally, if my fiance left me for my sister, I'd wish them well and NEVER put my mother in such a no-win situation.
NTA. Only young immature people would think that she is. Jennifer needs to grow up.
Life, love, and relationship are quite frequently messy. The mom is NTA, about the only thing she's done that I don't agree with is pushing Jennifer to get over it. She will heal in her own time. It is understandable for Jennifer to be upset and choosing not to got to the wedding herself, but using emotional blackmail with that ultimatum to the mom is unreasonable. She wants hurt the people who hurt her (Hayleigh and Same), and she's using the parents to do it. Jennifer is hurt and rightly so, that does not justify her lashing out. The mom is right that Jennifer does need to let go, for her own sake, again I don't agree with the mom pushing this. Holding onto that anger will not let her heal. She can maintain distance with her Hayleigh and Sam if that's what she needs, but demanding other family cut them off will not help her or anyone.
We're only seeing mom's side of the story so it's likely slanted slightly. If taken at face value, she's NTA. Because she's right to advise her daughter to forgive (not to stop hurting, forget, or even see her sister again for awhile just not have this weight around her neck that's making it impossible for her to be happy,but I get it. That's a nearly impossible task.). On face value she doesn't seem to be actually supportive of the younger daughter (maybe not firm enough). She told her youngest this was a bad idea. She gets that the youngest is not being a good sister. But, love means going to the wedding to show that she'll be there when it all tumbles down (the romance will likely flame out and they'll be left with nothing - it likely is being fanned by the "forbidden romance" bit) and mom will be there to pick up the pieces. But that's just my take.
Dang! I wouldn't want to be in this situation. If the sister and the bf love each other than they do, and they probably didn't do it purposely. The dumped sister needs the be glad that she didn't end up with a husband that is in love with someone else. Poor mom, in the middle. I feel her pain. Don't know her, but praying for her fam.
We don't know the daughters, nor their past. The only thing I see here is a loving mother trying her best to make everybody feel loved. The hardest thing a child can do to a mother is trying to force her to choose between her children. Live isn't clear cut, it's often 50 shades of grey, and we muddle along the best we can. Don't judge.
"my younger daughter is getting married..." means that the guy is now her fiancée. First get over that hurdle. Accept that your daughter is getting married and of course you intend to go to that wedding. You're going to have a lot of resentment and other possible consequences from the older daughter. That's how the stages of grief work. I highly recommend not bringing up the older daughter or the past relationship at the wedding. Try to compartmentalize the drama.
A horrible situation, however I would not say she is being an Ahole. If he was engaged and started to have feelings for someone else, it's a bad situation, but he did the right thing to call off the wedding. It's unfortunate that it was her sister, but it was clearly a mutual feeling, and not just a fling. The sister has every right to not attend the wedding and be pissed at them, and the father has every right to hate the man who dumped his daughter, but it's not right that they demand the poster cut her daughter out her life too. A few years down the line, the sister will likely have met someone new and be happy, but the relationship between the mother and the other daughter will be permanently damaged by missing her wedding
The problem would be if the cheated on the sister before calling the relation off. Thats terrible.
Load More Replies... Let me tell you, as an older person, and a parent, that mother is NTA. She is doing everything possible to love both daughters unconditionally, without condoning the questionable behaviour of one daughter. I am in awe of her calm and rational handling of an impossible situation. It sounds like she needs to fully hear Jennifer out about her sense of childhood favouritism for Hayleigh, and if Hayleigh has had a pattern of always stealing what Jennifer wants, because Jennifer needs to be heard and validated. Other than that, this mother is doing EVERYTHING right in terms of being honest about how she feels about the situation and the behaviour, and loving her children unconditionally anyway. It's an impossible situation for her, but I'm in awe of her.
I disagree. Haleigh is marrying a dirtbag and is a dirtbag herself, as she either cheated with her sister's BF or dated her sister's ex knowing exactly what kind of problems that would cause. If you love your children unconditionally, you don't cut them off when they're being total dirtbags, but you don't condone their behavior and you sure as hell don't urge the party they've injured to forgive in the name of family harmony. She isn't urging Jennifer to forgive because Haleigh's actions were condonable, she's urging Haleigh to forgive because it's the only way the mother can pretend everything is okay.
Load More Replies... Honestly, everybody sucks here. Except Jennifer. I can't even imagine NOT rejecting a man who wanted to jump from my sister to me. My relationship with my sister would be sacrosanct. The real a*****e is Hayleigh, because she would destroy her relationship with her sister over a man. Obviously, Sam is TA too. But in my mind, Hayleigh is worse.
The dad seems to have some sense. He’s not cutting off Hayleigh but he’s not giving her his blessing or walking her down the aisle. Reasonable consequences. LW seems to be far more concerned with this than Jennifer’s feelings. Jennifer is wise not to want to attend the wedding or have her parents attend as it will be a ritual of humiliation for her.
Load More Replies... Odd that it's too late to tell a 28-year-old that they're in the wrong but apparently not a 30-year-old. She also seems to be moving quite quickly (lays harsh truth then offers to mediate right now, gets serious ultimatum and doesn't seem to even consider it). Combined with talking about Christmas, it seems she just wants the family to look good. That means solving issues, not just telling people to get over it. She says her eldest daughter and her husband are "ignoring the reality of it", but I'd say they're aware of the reality and want nothing to do with it, she needs to come to understand (whether by her thoughts or her husband's/daughter's words) this in order to have any chance of the family reconciling. Also, responding "you need to move on" to the accusation she didn't pay enough attention somewhat speaks to ignoring her own responsibilities and making others do the work. She's an AH, but not for attending the wedding.
I'm torn on this one. The mother is pushing her oldest too hard. Only time will help her decide if she's going to forgive. You can't force that on anyone. That's a huge major life altering betrayal. She doesn't sound very empathetic to what she's going through and putting all the blame and responsibility on her is so unfair. Whatever the mother did in the past is now coming to bite her in the ass as well.
You're torn? She's taking the side of the sister who caused the hurt, not the sister who got betrayed. This seems to be a running theme in the family.
Load More Replies... The mom seemed to accept the sister being the reason for the breakup very quickly. She even said she didn’t want to know how the relationship even started behind Jennifer’s back or any other details. And her “talk” with Sam seemed more like a reassuring one for her, not that she was expressing any hurt towards him. I think from Jennifer’s point of view that does make it seem like the mother is favoring the other daughter - there were no consequences for Hayleigh’s behavior. This all needed to be addressed way before a wedding was planned. And now to say “just get over it already” is even more hurtful. Going to the wedding is probably the last straw for Jennifer.
This. Jennifer had to call off her own wedding only one year ago because her sister "has known for a long time that in fact she was meant to be with Jennifer's fiancé". Only one year later she has to stomach the big wedding that would have been hers? Seriously, Hayleigh is an uberbitch. The least they could have done is wait to get married and make it a small event. Jennifer has been hurt in an incredible way by her sister, and now faces a public humiliation and a mother who is particularly dismissive of her feelings. This whole wedding should not have been planned to begin with. It also seems Hayleigh has no consideration at all for her sister (hey listen, I'm gonna steal your fiancé, it's meant to be, see you at our wedding in a year, bye) and I got the impression that this lack of consideration for Jennifer's feelings has been instilled by the mother, which would confirm Jennifer's complaint that Hayleigh was always the favourite daughter. The mother is egotistical and delusional.
Load More Replies... What kills me is that the mother won't even *acknowledge* Jennifer's feelings. Totaly gaslighting going on there. "Don't feel bad." "You should be grateful".... makes me a bit sick to my stomach.
&& had the older daughter mentioned what her younger sister did in her earlier years, I'm SURE the mother would've just disregarded it just as much as she is with this situation. "Oh, it's not that bad. You're looking too much into it. There's no need to be so upset." Mom is TOTAL AH in this, as is the younger sister & fiancè. PERIOD.
The mother is doing the best she can for both her daughter's. Hayleigh however is being selfish to put on a full blown wedding when she basically was instrumental in her sisters completely broken heart. They should have quietly eloped. Instead there's a whole wedding with guests who know both sisters and all the history. How could Jennifer hope to face all these people basically wishing the couple who have hurt her a happy ever after. This is what putting your big pants on is really about. There is so much pain and conflict, minimise it and the memory of it don't flaunt it and make it the centre of gossip, taking sides and all that comes with that.
That definitely would have been the more graceful way to handle it. I thin grace is in short supply these days, though
Load More Replies... As an aside, I'm pretty happy that Jennifer didn't end up marrying a cheater.
What a disgusting individual that mother is. She's telling her daughter to "get over" the fact that HER SISTER seduced her fiance. She's obviously always favored Hayleigh and she can't even being herself to take responsibility for it.
Red flag: when Jennifer said that Hayleigh has been stealing what Jennifer has ever since they were children, and her mother said, "You should have told me then." Nope. Jennifer is being silenced and gas-lit and her feelings minimized. The other red flag is that after only one year of dating, this couple are planning a wedding. They should understand the hurt and turmoil they have caused Jennifer, the division they have created in the family, and they should have either had a quiet, small wedding, not gotten married, or waited in the hopes that peace could be reconciled. This is not dating your sister's boyfriend that she dated for a month in high school, this is "I am marrying my sister's fiancé." Personally, If I had feelings for a sibling's partner or a friend's partner, I would stuff that down, take that to the grave, or expect never to hear from my sister, and possibly my parents, ever again.
As an older person, I've seen things like this just too many times over the decades. The "less capable", often younger, kid gets all the attention and support while the ones that do well get sidelined. It's gets even worse when the "capable" kids are to make concessions (or "sacrifices") for what now looks like the favourite child. Parents often don't even realized they were really messing up their kid until some observer pointed it out.
Poor Jen. What a horrible thing to have gone through. Her own sister betraying her in such a disgusting way. Hayleigh is scum and so is the mom for sweeping it all under a rug and acting like Jen should just get over it because the mom says so. Mom is a creep and she could lose her husband if she's not more sensitive
Horrible situation and I really hope Jennifer will find (or perhaps already has) her own happiness. Whilst I believe sometimes we can't help who we love, but we also have to ask ourselves is it worth it? In this case, Hailegh has chosen a douche rather than keep her loyalty to her sister, her own blood, that's her choice but I wish the mom/OP doesn't condone the wedding party as that's just blatantly an AH move. So yes, this time I have to say OP, YTA!!!
There is plenty of AH to go around in this story. Mom: yes you are an AH. Not for your support of your daughter but for your expectation that everyone else should forgive and move on like you have. Help Jennifer move past this instead of slapping a coat of Let's Be Happy paint on it. But help her in her way not because of your agenda. Jennifer: You need counseling. Even if you're 100% right and mom loves Hayleigh more you need to talk to someone in a productive way about this. This is how bitter and angry people are made. Hayleigh and Sam: You are terrible people. Stop focusing on yourselves, cancel the wedding or quietly elope. Even if Jennifer is awful what you did is utterly despicable.
Problems started in this household way before the engagement. This new couple will get divorced anyway. They are also too uoung to be married particularly due to the fact that none of them are ready
It's very clear Hayleigh is most definitely the favourite daughter. Mother is being very forgiving and making excuses for Hayleigh's betrayal yet is showing no compassion towards Jennifer and is being too hard
Sam is an AH. Hayleigh is an even big AH. The mother is not an AH, but she is a spineless loser. Jennifer will eventually get over it, as she will realize that she is better off without Sam. Whether or not she decides to forgive Hayleigh is another story. Jennifer and her dad are the only ones in the right here. The way I see it, the mother and father should not attend the wedding, nor should Hayleigh and Sam be welcome in their home until Jennifer is ready to accept them. That does not mean that the parents should cut Hayleigh off. They should still speak with her and meet her alone on her own. In the event Hayleigh has children, they should be allowed to visit their grandparents with Hayleigh, and even attend family events without Hayleigh. Only once Jennifer has healed, moved on and is ready to see Hayleigh again, if that ever happens, can the parents hope to do something as a family. Hayleigh is the one at fault here, and Jennifer should not have to pay for her treachery.
The real AH in all of this are Hayleigh and Sam. The fact that his being in love with Hayleigh is the reason that he called off the wedding shows that he cheated with her. Hayleigh hurt her sister deeply and seems to not care. Mom is doing the best she can in this very uncomfortable situation. She needs to sit down with Jennifer and have a discussion about how long Hayleigh has been stealing things from her. In my opinion, if Sam were a decent person, he would just walk away and not be with either sister.
If Hayleigh had any remorse or idea of what she’d done, she wouldn’t put any of the family in this situation. But, she is rubbing salt in the wound again with this wedding. Maybe she needs to learn her actions have consequences - like not having a big wedding or a wedding where she doesn’t put her mom in such a situation. The mom is just not recognizing this, instead she is expecting the injured party to just have to grin and bear it. Why should she?
Load More Replies... I wonder what Sam’s parents think of this mess. I sympathize with true love but it seems like Haleigh’s old enough to know how to keep her hands off another couple who had promised their future together. It was a purely deliberate act with a weak-willed boy/man. If it was the real deal and they go ahead with the marriage then fine… but don’t expect Jennifer to be happy about wasting her time with this back-stabbing sister and conniving fiance. Yes, she’s better off in the long run. Here’s where I differ from most of the opinions. If mom feels like she needs to go to Haleigh’s wedding then she should go without ANY expectations that Jennifer or dad will want to attend. Period. Don’t make her feel bad about it. What mother worth anything is going to deny either child? Jennifer should go on a sweet girlfriends trip. Dad should be available by phone. Mom should work carefully to keep the girls separated forevermore. Mom should not be tricky about it. This is the new reality get used to it
Mom is wrong and I say that as a mother.. I get she loves her kids but Hayleigh is unapologetic, thinks she did nothing wrong, and mom supporting her justifies that even if she weak sells that bit about thinking hard about if he’ll cheat on her too. They don’t care about Jennifer and have said as much but mom isn’t hearing that. Mom wants it to just go away but it’s never going away. There is no fixing it and ‘choosing’ the selfish daughter and scum husband will not only destroy her relationship with her hurt daughter but her marriage. If I were her husband I couldn’t stay with a woman who would favor one child over another in this way. By rejecting it she would, in a way, be supporting both daughters and the family as a whole, it would send a hard message that she does not condone the relationship in the way dad did and may wake the younger daughter up. If not then it would at least be a show of character. Either way this family is broken and can never be fixed.
I believe the mother is NTA. She might not be handling Jennifer in the right way but i truly believe she tries to not pick one over the other by not going to the wedding. She wants to go to her daughers wedding. I get that it means a lot to a mother. A friend of mine cheated on his wife. Altho his parents know he was definitely wrong they didnt stop loving him. I am not saying the decision is right but i get where she is coming from.
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I love how she chooses to ignore the part that Sam & Haley whatever her stupid white name is, were cheating together on her oldest daughter. Sam isn't just in love with her, he's been porking her for a while behind his original fiance's back
'Stupid white name'. Best line in the whole thread. Definitely first world problems.
Load More Replies... I had a very young,dysfunctional,abusive marriage, separated, met a man who treated me better than I'd ever known, divorced, dated 6 months, then introduced my sister. After some confusion & humiliation, I retreated,crushed, back to the abuse.They've been happily married for 20+years now. I've been ok, alone many years. Life hurts, but you live. And love does happen. I couldn't tell who's the a..hole whether I was young or old.
This is a tragic situation and the truth is none of us can really comment because we are not directly involved. We don't know the personal dynamics of the family and we sure as heck should not be making judgement on anyone.
You know what is funny... (I mean maybe not funny, but hear me out). This sounds like one of those Romcom movies where the guy is trying to make people happy by marrying his original fiance, but has the decency to call it off because he fell in love with her sister. And the audience would be all "Awwww's" and sh*t, but this is a complete clusterf*ck. This is reality. Regardless if there was cheating, I pulled out a few opinions. 1) IT WAS CALLED OFF, THANK GOD. Forbid Jen finding out years later married to the guy. 2) There is no right answer in this situation. It's such a gray area that no matter what the mother or father does, the reality is between Jennifer, her sister, and her ex-fiance. Comments are appreciated, I'm here all night
There is a movie called Forces of Nature with Ben Affleck and Sandra Bullock. *Spoliers* He was getting married and had to travel cross country to get there, Sandra Bullock was a stranger who ended up hitching a ride with him. The whole movie was cutesy crap where you thought they were gonna get together. But once he saw his fiancée he realized how much he loved her and that his “feelings” for Sandra Bullock’s character were more situational than anything. Best ending for a movie like that I’ve seen.
Load More Replies... This is a purgatory. I feel for the mom on this. She is being burdened with the problems of others. Personally I believe this family needs to seek professional help to work through these issues. I am in support of the mom for sticking to her beliefs to love both daughters unconditionally. I believe that is true strength. I hope your family can heal.
She is burdening herself. She just wants the Christmas dinners back. It would be more "convenient" for her if everyone played along and pretended that Sam and the sister are not a massive problem
Load More Replies... I agree with (what seems to be) most of you guys; i don't get how the mom is TA here. It's an impossible situation and she's doing the best that she can. She's dealing with the reality of this marriage, not pretending it isn't happening just because it began in an admittedly very icky way. What are the rest of the family going to do if the marriage last? Sorry, we don't accept your 20-year relationship because it broke Jennifer's heart when it started? What happens if there are kids? Are they going to refuse to see their grandchildren/nieces or nephews because of how their parents got together?
Well, I think it's like this: The mother is offering one of her daughters genuinely unconditional support, and highly conditional support to the other. If you can call telling someone to shut up and forgive support at all. It's pretty damn clear who the favorite daughter is.
Load More Replies... It's a really fúcked up situation, that kind of situation, when no matter what, things would not turn out in a happy ending. Maybe, with time. I wouldn't be so eager to condemn the mother as YTA, like the reddit-users are. She doesn't want to burn all bridges with one of her children, which is totally understandable. She doesn't want to play the judge in a very delicate situation.
NTA. Her daughters are grown up people who make their own decisions and should not involve their parents in their stupid games. Jennifer needs to get over it adn find herself a new and better man. The couple should elope, though, and not pretend like everythign is normal. Sorry, but no walking down the aisle etc crap when you are marrying the ex of your sister.
NTA! This is crazy! The stress imparted by these stories is usually assuaged by the commenters at the end. I've never disagreed before. I feel for everyone here. Everyone is hurt and doing their best to keep it together. That dude sucks. Life isn't a movie. That's a crummy thing to do. You shouldn't allow yourself to "fall in love" if you're already in a committed relationship. I hope he treats her well so she doesn't have to learn the hard way. Even if he won't hurt her, he hurt a whole family in favor of his feelings. Selfish at the very least. Gross. I hope they all get past this with relationships intact. My heart goes out to them all.
I can't believe the responses in the original post. This is a shitty situation, but you can be there for someone you love without agreeing with them. Especially when it's your child. A mother should not have to choose between children because one is mad and giving 'if you really love me' ultimatum.
NTA it's an almost impossible situation and I can well imagine how badly hurt Jennifer is. I don't think you will ever be able to repair your girls' relationship and you may just have to accept that but they are both and always will be your little girls and of course you will be there and try to support both of them. To me you sound very balanced and like a superb Mum. Polarising the situation is not going to help anyone. Sending you a big hug and the very sincere hope that Jennifer will find genuine happiness with someone who truly loves her and also realise that her mum adores and is there for her. The advice you gave would be terribly hard to hear for anyone but is 100% true and somehow poor Jennifer has to swallow that. This Sam would never have loved her as much as she deserves.
The mom is doing the right thing. Everybody else is nuts. If my fiance left me for my sister, I'd wish them well and NEVER put my mother in such a ridiculous position. Everybody else is the AH, not the mom.
NTA. The mother is doing the best she can do in that situation. The mom sounds like a nice person with a great head on her shoulders who was put in a crazy situation not of her doing. The others are the AH. Personally, if my fiance left me for my sister, I'd wish them well and NEVER put my mother in such a no-win situation.
NTA. Only young immature people would think that she is. Jennifer needs to grow up.
Life, love, and relationship are quite frequently messy. The mom is NTA, about the only thing she's done that I don't agree with is pushing Jennifer to get over it. She will heal in her own time. It is understandable for Jennifer to be upset and choosing not to got to the wedding herself, but using emotional blackmail with that ultimatum to the mom is unreasonable. She wants hurt the people who hurt her (Hayleigh and Same), and she's using the parents to do it. Jennifer is hurt and rightly so, that does not justify her lashing out. The mom is right that Jennifer does need to let go, for her own sake, again I don't agree with the mom pushing this. Holding onto that anger will not let her heal. She can maintain distance with her Hayleigh and Sam if that's what she needs, but demanding other family cut them off will not help her or anyone.
We're only seeing mom's side of the story so it's likely slanted slightly. If taken at face value, she's NTA. Because she's right to advise her daughter to forgive (not to stop hurting, forget, or even see her sister again for awhile just not have this weight around her neck that's making it impossible for her to be happy,but I get it. That's a nearly impossible task.). On face value she doesn't seem to be actually supportive of the younger daughter (maybe not firm enough). She told her youngest this was a bad idea. She gets that the youngest is not being a good sister. But, love means going to the wedding to show that she'll be there when it all tumbles down (the romance will likely flame out and they'll be left with nothing - it likely is being fanned by the "forbidden romance" bit) and mom will be there to pick up the pieces. But that's just my take.
Dang! I wouldn't want to be in this situation. If the sister and the bf love each other than they do, and they probably didn't do it purposely. The dumped sister needs the be glad that she didn't end up with a husband that is in love with someone else. Poor mom, in the middle. I feel her pain. Don't know her, but praying for her fam.
We don't know the daughters, nor their past. The only thing I see here is a loving mother trying her best to make everybody feel loved. The hardest thing a child can do to a mother is trying to force her to choose between her children. Live isn't clear cut, it's often 50 shades of grey, and we muddle along the best we can. Don't judge.
"my younger daughter is getting married..." means that the guy is now her fiancée. First get over that hurdle. Accept that your daughter is getting married and of course you intend to go to that wedding. You're going to have a lot of resentment and other possible consequences from the older daughter. That's how the stages of grief work. I highly recommend not bringing up the older daughter or the past relationship at the wedding. Try to compartmentalize the drama.
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