Nobody said that marriage is going to be easy. But that’s far from the only thing nobody tells you when you’re unmarried.
Would it change your mind about tying the knot if you knew some of these things earlier? Well, you don’t need to reply just now, but rather scroll through some of the very genuine thoughts about marriage from people who have been there and done that.
“Married people of Reddit, what's something you wish unmarried people knew?” somebody asked on Ask Reddit and sooner than you knew it, the thread turned into an illuminating read that makes you wonder big time.
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Saying “let me ask my wife” doesn’t mean I’m asking permission. We’re a team, we make decisions together. Also, if it’s about going to or doing something, I’m really forgetful and want to make sure we haven’t already made plans.
BABIES DON'T FIX RELATIONSHIPS! If you were struggling before then a baby is going to make those struggles even harder. Babies make fantastic relationships harder! Don't have a baby if you're having problems! Don't have a baby to "fix" things! Don't have a baby to try to keep your spouse from leaving! IT WONT WORK
Million times upvote to this! Children will make everything super hard, super annoying and super exhausting. At least first few years of their lives. The relationship should be prepared for this. Hoping child will solve relationship problems is like building a house in a swamp, hoping it’ll get stable in the process somehow.
Rebecca Newton, MA, licensed marriage and family therapist told Bored Panda that marriage isn't about initial attraction, shared interests, or even how much you like each other.
“A solid marriage is one that can adjust, flex, and shift through all the changes and events that will happen over the course of decades. Marriage is more about shared values, communication skills, and commitment to take action in the relationship,” Newton explained.
Spending time with my wife is neither a burden or a chore. She was my best friend before we even started dating, of course i enjoy hanging out with her.
Best marriages (or relationships for that matter) are built on just enjoying each other's company in the first place
It’s not you vs spouse. It’s you and spouse vs problem.
According to the marriage therapist, the key secrets to a happy marriage are two things: ability to communicate your needs effectively, and the ability to repair after a fight or disagreement.
Having said that, Newton sees many people who get married for the wrong reasons. “So many people feel pressured to get married when they are in their late 20's and early 30's. They feel it's ‘time’ and they settle down with whatever partner they have at the time. There is a lot of societal pressure to get married, and people aren't taught how to pick a partner or what characteristics make a great partner.”
Moreover, “People sometimes get married because all of their friends are, or they think their partner is going to be successful or financially stable,” Newton said.
For the love of God don’t go crazy with how much you spend on the wedding day. It’s ONE day and it’s over in a flash. Try to keep costs down as much as you can; that money you saved can go towards a house or into savings for when you’ll truly need it
Also, the whole “don’t go to bed mad” thing is absolutely b******t. Go to bed mad! When you have both slept on it you may see things in a different light and tensions have calmed.
“Happy wife, happy life” is toxic to a marriage as well. You should be concerned with each other’s happiness *equally*. It’s a partnership
I've always preferred "happy spouse, happy house" because it puts the responsibility on both parties to maintain the health of the relationship - as it should be! I like to surprise my husband by sometimes doing some of "his" chores or just surprising him with a small gift or some snuggles; he does the same for me. Relationships aren't 50/50, they are 60/40, but both should be pushing for the 60 ;)
It’s okay to use two blankets. No one likes to wake up with cold a*s cheeks because your spouse stole the blanket.
It's okay to have separate beds. Or separate bedrooms. Not so important when young but can be helpful as couples age. Or work different hours. I've known people who remarried later in life that kept their own homes and would take turns sleeping over with each other like kids.
My heart always hurts when I hear people say "I gotta pin that man down" or "I'm going to make him put a ring on it" or other things implying that the woman is coercing the man into marrying her.
If a man doesn't WANT to be married to me, then by God, I don't want to be married to him either! If he requires that much convincing, he's not the man for you.
Another misconception Newton sees is that “people think marriage should always be fun, or that if they are with the right partner then they won't have to do the work of communicating their needs.”
“Even if we have a great partner, they are not a mind reader and they can't always be in tune with our needs. Also, as we get older our needs change. There is a huge value in consistent communication about needs,” Newton explained.
It's okay for your relationship to look the way you want it to. Don't worry about stereotypes or society standards. If you enjoy separate hobbies, great. If you want to play video games together well into your 40s+, go for it. As long as you're not being abusive towards one another I really do think there's no right or wrong way to do marriage. It took me a few years to realize I didn't need to fit some "wife mold" due to the way I was raised and I'm so much happier now that we live exactly the way we want to.
Lots! Been married 29 years.
My wife is my best friend. She comes first.
Its not my money or her money. Its our money.
Big financial decisions have to be joint decisions.
If I want to go out and buy a midlife crisis car, my wife gets one too.
We have TV shows we watch together and ones we watch alone.
Life is so much more fun when you share hobbies.
Share the chores. You both eat and mess the bathroom up.
There is no I in team
Go out on dates.
Treat them like you like to be treated
You will get old together
Health issues are a team effort
You both are getting wrinkles
A gracious heartfelt apology goes a long way.
One of the things I think I've learned is that it doesn't matter if what you thought was 'all done and dusted' at the time, even if weeks later when you're reflecting on things - if you think on that reflection that you could have handled things better or have something to apologise for ... then do so. It can make all the difference between someone you love starting to resent you and that person you love remembering the qualities that drew you together in the first place. There is no statute of limitations on admitting when you were in the wrong.
According to the marriage therapist, people have to realize that marriage is an adventure. “You will change. Your partner will change. Don't get caught up in your expectations of them, but rather get to know them for who they are in each iteration,” Newton concluded.
Compromise is not a sign of weakness. It is done out of respect for your spouse.
The wedding is just one day and does not fix any issues. It goes back to the exact same relationship afterwards. And if you're lucky, that's a good thing.
The biggest surprise for me was that, they day we got married I thought my heart would burst from happiness and that I would never love anyone as much as I loved my husband on that day. I was wrong. In the years since I have come to realise that time has strengthened what was there and I love my husband much more now than I did then.
Being married shouldn’t take away from having a good relationship with yourself.
Sleeping on the couch isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sleep is important. If I’m sick, have insomnia, snoring, etc., I’ll go to the couch so that only one of us is sleep-deprived and grumpy the next day, rather than both. It’s totally ok to use the bedroom for fun sexy times and then go separate places to actually sleep.
Love my partner to death.... but my God does he snore! I end up in the spare room every other night coz hey we both need to sleep right?
It’s ok to do things or spend a full day doing stuff that you enjoy by yourself.
I love golf. But I try not to play too much, because it's one of those hobbies that can be an addiction (and an expensive one at that!). My wife and I have limited free time together, so I'm careful to space out my rounds of golf. It sometimes reaches the point where she encourages me to play. We do do our own things quite a bit, but usually while we're both at home, but I sometimes forget how much I love golf. My wife never forgets.
Getting married is easy. Staying married is hard. Get help if things seem too hard. My wife and I both carried a lot of childhood trauma into our marriage. A councilor helped is both understand that and gave us tools to handle it. We're would have divorced without the help.
Find someone who is your biggest cheerleader and vice-versa, no matter what, life is so much easier
Love my wife!
You should never belittle your spouse. Life is full of people trying to tear you down. You need a person to always build you up.
If you tell me something, you're also telling my wife, and vice versa. I'll keep your secret from the rest of the world, but you can bet your a*s I'm spilling the tea to my wife as soon as I get home.
that's kind of problematic :/ if it's something that doesn't affect my husband or myself in any way, i don't tell him. i don't keep secrets from him about myself, but other people's secrets are always safe with me.
You can't find instantly happy or perfect match, you have to build it.
Yep. My wife and I didnt start out attracted to each other. Well...I was attracted to her cuz she's cute, but she was afraid of me. But over time, we got to know one another and here we are 22 years married.
Don’t get lazy with sex. Now that you’re monogamous, it’s time to explore and grow together. A single partner you can trust and no worries about disease or unwanted pregnancy can lead to the best sex of your life. Marriage is not a sentence to play with yourself for decades. It’s a license to get filthy with your partner! Now that I’ve had a vasectomy and she’s had a hysterectomy, we are having the best sex of our lives because no babies, no periods, no worries!
You don't have to argue or "fight". You're different people and it's OK to not agree on everything. It would be weird if you did!
I see a lot of people "fighting" because they're always trying to get the other person to come around to their point of view. Accept that you're different and have fun together. In addition to loving each other, you should *like* each other.
10 years with my husband and we are yet to raise our voices at each other or "fight". We discuss things. On rare occasions we firmly discuss things but it's always in a respectful manner and ego is left at the door. We both grew up in volatile households as children and we are breaking that cycle starting with us
Your single problems will be your married problems. Marriage and your spouse can't fix you. Work on yourself as much as you can before you get married. For yourself and for your spouse.
Love is a choice. Once you choose to commit to your partner, choose to keep loving them. Choose to respond with love and compassion. Choose to put them first, and vice versa. There are definitely exceptions to this, like abuse and cheating.
If you go into marriage with a self-centered focus and telling yourself you can leave if things get hard, then you will. Marriage isn't transactional, where if they don't meet your needs 100% then you should leave. Marriage really should be a partnership where you are both trying your best and recognizing that what your best is will vary based on your circumstances.
It’s okay to sleep in different rooms. Really. We still have plenty of intimacy, but we both sleep much better and are able to have different schedules.
You can feel lonely as F still being in a relationship. You have to love yourself first.
Very true. I'd say it is even more painful to be lonely in a marriage than on your own because the irony hurts so bad.
There are good people out there, you can be loved consistently, deeply, and with kindness.
I was in a really bad marriage. Managed to get out and start a new life just me and my kid. Then this man, who has two kids, came into my life. She has shown me what love and marriage are meant to be. He loves me every day, good and bad. He puts me and our kids first and is fiercely loyal and kind and loving. He makes me want to strive to be all those same things in return. It's out there people I promise!!!
Sex really does get better the longer you work at it.
Marriage changes nothing about a relationship. You’ll be exactly the same after marriage as you were before. Kids on the other hand….
This is very true. Kids basically are adding a new relationship into the mix. Your relationship with the kid. The kids relationship with your partner. All the time, effort, affection that went into you as a couple must also be shared with this new person. Hopefully you enjoy the new experience but of course, for some people it begins as a real struggle (especially if you are contending with sleepless nights and all the new financial needs!). I know a couple who waited to have children, and spent the first 3 years building a strong marriage, as well as saving, and bought a house before they started having kids. I think it was a great approach. They got married quite young so it was easier to make that decision. I married in my 30s and didn't want to wait.
Marriage (and long term relationships in general) are a lot less work if done with the right person.
It seems obvious, but looking through a lot of these comments, I'm seeing disasters of relationships leading to the idea that marriage is a ton of work, or that fights and insults are just something to be expected, or that you have to have a plan for therapy and constant apologies and reconciliation - my wife and I have none of this in our marriage. We're compatible: we enjoy each other's company, respect each other's boundaries, and get along easily.
It seems to me that the tricky part is finding the right person, so that you don't end up with the tricky part of averting divorce and disaster while married to the wrong person. I don't know that there are any magic bullets to that trick, but I can tell you that issues like sitting down with a marriage counselor or learning how to reconcile after a screaming match don't have to be part of navigating a marriage if you're not that incompatible to begin with.
I find that advice a bit dangerous, as it can lead to people being afraid of counselling or therapy, which they shouldn't be. Noone's 100% compatible, there may always be some conflicts, and in my opinion it's better to face and resolve them (with or without help from counselling) instead of trying to ignore problems or avoid conflicts. Conflict can lead to growth of handled correctly, and never having any conflict at all is not a sign for a healthy relationship in my opinion, but shows that at least on of the partner puts his needs behind. Which in the long run cannot be fulfilling. This person writes from their perspective, but I would really like to know what their partner feels about this.
Who never has any conflict? Or angry outbursts of, "Did you forget to take out the trash again? Argh! What the hell!" (or similar trivialities)? We're human. We err. We snap in petty irritation. I find it difficult to believe any couple manages to avoid that entirely.
Omg yes! I hear people say all the time that "fighting is normal". No, it's not. Stop telling yourself that to feel better. Disagreements will happen, but they don't have to lead to a fight. 21 years of not fighting with my husband and still going. I don't fight with my friends and family either. People who fight are not welcome around me at all. Learn to communicate like an adult. You don't have to throw a fit when things don't go your way. You don't need to yell at others when you're disappointed. It's a real f*cked up thing to do to insult people you love because you're angry. Grow the f*ck up. You can say how you feel, talk it out. If you're too much into the emotion wait a little before you lash out at your SO. Fighting is not healthy, it's not necessary and ffs it's not normal. If you can't deal with your own emotions go to therapy, don't make it everyone else's problem.
Came here to say the same thing, but you said it better than I could've. Thank you.
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I'm not sure I should be posting here...but 34 years married and we've only had a disagreement once? It was about something I can't remember but I ended it with 'and I'm smoking again!' And he said 'yeah. I know'
Divorce is awful and terrible and painful. Before you enter into marriage, realize that the only way out ( except death I guess) is a very painful, public, and traumatizing experience. If you don’t truly believe you can make it work for the rest of your life, don’t do it unless you can handle the train wreck that is divorce.
That the butterflies in the tummy, the wibbles when you see them, the fairytale romance of it all is a big lie. Don't marry that person, it won't end well. And don't have a list of requirements that can change in an instant: good job, money, a certain physique or hair colour, house, car, etc. Three paychecks can change all that. If you must have a list then make it on qualities: kind, funny, tender, honest.
Marry someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, the person you want at your side to share in triumphs and disasters alike. Marry the person who will stick with you for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Life is very different in your 20s and 30s than it is in your 70s and 80s. Will you clean up their vomit? Will they wipe your backside when you can't? Do you feel you have to hold back on what you tell or show them? Can you fart in front of them? Do you see yourself wiping up their eye gunk in 50 years time?
It's OK to have deal-breakers, but make them good ones. Ours are cheating and hitting. Anything else we can work out. A disagreement does not mean the end of our marriage, it means we need to talk and work out *together* what we're going to do about it. And if it's not the right time for a discussion then say so, talk when you are both well rested, fed and watered, not when you've both arrived home tired and hungry after a shocker of a day in work. Admit that there is a disagreement, but that it doesn't stop you loving each other.
We're 4 and a half years married, 7 years together. We have never had an argument. We disagree sometimes, but we talk it out and know that our disagreement doesn't mean we don't love each other, so if our talk is postponed because I am tired or he is stressed with work, we support each other with those things and talk it out when we're ready to.
I am sorry, but I don't agree with this statement... "That the butterflies in the tummy, the wibbles when you see them, the fairytale romance of it all is a big lie. Don't marry that person, it won't end well." I STILL feel like that sometimes with my husband (+12 years). Not all the time. But occasionally. My parents in law who are married for 40 years still feel like that sometimes. Yes, there has to be MORE than the butterflies but they should be there.
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One thing that was very important to me: discuss your values beforehand. I'm talking big stuff - kids, money, politics, religion etc.
If you're engaged to someone who cares more about the wedding than the marriage, run. Run far. Run fast.
My first marriage - total abusive train wreck that traumatised me. My current marriage, peaceful, loving, supportive - we rarely fight, can talk about anything which after my first marriage took me a long time to be comfortable with as I'd still get that fear of his reaction even though he'd never once shown any sign he would react badly, that was a me problem left over from the abuse from before. My marriage just works, it's not hard, it's not consciously deciding to be one way it another, we just work well together.
We get a lot of flack because we dont have joint bank accounts and her money is hers and mine is mine. We split all bills down the middle and really everything else when it comes to our home. I have had people tell me its very odd, but I find it just as odd that it should be requirement or expectation of marriage. We dont make the same money and we dont spend our money the same, I make more and she spends more. Its never caused any issues for us, we both spend money on the other and take each other out.
Wonderful couple I'm friends with have been married for almost 23 years. Large number of children because that's what they want; fantastic parents, but not perfect, of course. He and she very much like sleeping under one blanket, although he often wakes up cold because she has rolled over and pulled the blanket along with her. I told him just yesterday that he needs to have her sew two king-size blankets together; then when she rolls over, he'll still have something to keep him warm. He said he'd try to sew them himself (he's not at all a seamster!) But they have a lot of fun while still doing all the right (for them and their children) adult things in their lives.
Have separate interests or hobbies, it's ok to do things apart and it's ok to do things with your friends. Then you have some things to talk about and will be excited to share both of your days. Learn basic car maintenance and how to unclog the drains lol. Just have fun!
Just had 59th anniversary. I hope everyone contemplating marriage will listen to all the very very good advice in these posts.
One thing that was very important to me: discuss your values beforehand. I'm talking big stuff - kids, money, politics, religion etc.
If you're engaged to someone who cares more about the wedding than the marriage, run. Run far. Run fast.
My first marriage - total abusive train wreck that traumatised me. My current marriage, peaceful, loving, supportive - we rarely fight, can talk about anything which after my first marriage took me a long time to be comfortable with as I'd still get that fear of his reaction even though he'd never once shown any sign he would react badly, that was a me problem left over from the abuse from before. My marriage just works, it's not hard, it's not consciously deciding to be one way it another, we just work well together.
We get a lot of flack because we dont have joint bank accounts and her money is hers and mine is mine. We split all bills down the middle and really everything else when it comes to our home. I have had people tell me its very odd, but I find it just as odd that it should be requirement or expectation of marriage. We dont make the same money and we dont spend our money the same, I make more and she spends more. Its never caused any issues for us, we both spend money on the other and take each other out.
Wonderful couple I'm friends with have been married for almost 23 years. Large number of children because that's what they want; fantastic parents, but not perfect, of course. He and she very much like sleeping under one blanket, although he often wakes up cold because she has rolled over and pulled the blanket along with her. I told him just yesterday that he needs to have her sew two king-size blankets together; then when she rolls over, he'll still have something to keep him warm. He said he'd try to sew them himself (he's not at all a seamster!) But they have a lot of fun while still doing all the right (for them and their children) adult things in their lives.
Have separate interests or hobbies, it's ok to do things apart and it's ok to do things with your friends. Then you have some things to talk about and will be excited to share both of your days. Learn basic car maintenance and how to unclog the drains lol. Just have fun!
Just had 59th anniversary. I hope everyone contemplating marriage will listen to all the very very good advice in these posts.
