“Making Love Will Become An Issue”: Man Explains What He Has Learned From 20 Years Of Marriage In 10 Bullet Points
As it was already mentioned in another Bored Panda article on what happens when parents have stronger emotional bonds with their kids than their spouses: relationships are hard.
But, as it is with many things in life, it’s not impossible. Work on it, and you’re golden.
Imgur user that1guy15 recently celebrated 20 years of marriage, and decided to share the ten things he learned from living together with his wife for so long with the internet—the “tips I have learned the hard way on how to build a strong and meaningful marriage.”
More Info: Imgur
Marriage is hard, sure, but working on it—together—can do wonders
Image credits: Wendy Berry
So, Imgur user that1guy15 recently went to the social image sharing platform to share that he is now a 20-year veteran in marriage—congrats, dude!—expressing his surprise how he had lasted this long in what he called a crazy fun ride.
To celebrate this, he decided to share 10 lessons that he had learned over these two decades on marriage, namely on how to build and maintain a strong and meaningful marriage.
So, this husband celebrated his 20 years of happy marriage by sharing a list of lessons he learned over the years
Image credits: that1guy15
In this set of rules, he covered things like effective communication, conflict resolution, trust, sex, among a number of other things, providing a certain reality check along the way.
In particular, the lessons focused on things like marriage being a team effort (emphasis on effort) and not a competition between two individuals; how communication is key and nobody’s a mind reader; and how hard work, trust, and acceptance are essential in building and maintaining a healthy marriage.
Image credits: that1guy15
It’s been a day since the list of lessons hit the internet, and it has thus far managed to garner over 66,000 views with over 5,200 upvotes and around 520 comments.
This prompted a number of people in the Imgur community to share some of their stories and rules. Many agreed with this list, praising that they couldn’t have said it better themselves.
Image credits: that1guy15
People who have been married for anywhere between 10 and 40 years stressed how communication is key. Some also pointed out that though teamwork is important, forgetting the individual isn’t an option either—so why not turn individual goals into a team effort?
People loved the thread and some also shared their own lessons with the Imgur community
Others offered never forcing solutions, and to not forget to give some issues time. There was also one user who reminded people that, whenever you’re in an argument, don’t forget that you will remain together in the end.
Of course, there was the obligatory “keep your mouth shut” comment, but it was in light of being angry, so as to not say anything stupid. After all, you can’t take those words back.
What are your thoughts on this? Do you have some advice on how to properly adult in a marriage? Let us know in the comment section below!
Wife and I have been together 44 years and probably the most important thing that's made us so successful, and is strangely missing from the list, is to make each other laugh every day. You can still do that after 40 years, you can get through anything.
Shared humor is amazing. It brings you closer together, it gets through the worst, it makes the good times even better. Yes, laughter is so important. Just thoroughly enjoying each other
Load More Replies...
I think there's a glaring omission here: take a cold, hard, dispassionate look at your future partner before even considering marriage. I know, it's not romantic, but it has to be done. If you don't agree on life-impacting topics, such as financial goals, having kids, relations with each other's families, politics, etc., you're in for a lot of anguish. Before we got married, my husband and I discussed the terms of our divorce. I told him point-blank "no beating, no cheating." We agreed that this is a non-negotiable, once-and-done marriage killer. If either of us hits the other or cheats, then that's it--no counseling, no second chance, just divorce court. Love DOES NOT conquer all. Giving someone a pass to behave badly just because you love them is deadly. Again, it's not romantic, but I truly believe the idea that love conquers all is a myth. Love is why you're in the marriage, but it doesn't make problems go away.
Absolutely! Also talk before becoming more serious about life goals like marriage and children. If you must have kids or never want to get married (or whatever) this should be discussed before things get too serious
Load More Replies...
"Marriage is one of the few things where we consider someone an expert if they've only successfully done it once". https://www.boredpanda.com/shower-thoughts-on-marriage-life/
Load More Replies...
Like the OP says, these are things he learned throughout HIS marriage and none other's, though there is most likely a certain amount of truth in each statement. I don't exactly agree with #1 that you are only a family when kids are in the picture.... Families have always been quite diverse, two people and a dog are family, two people without dog are family, one person and a cat are a family, a couple who would love to have children but can't, are still a family! But that is just my personal take. Other than that I believe that the secret to a good marriage is a factor not to be underestimated: Luck. There is a certain component you cannot influence.
I agree. Too many people thinks that only a married couple with children is a family. No. Unmarried commited couples or couples without children are as much a family as any.
Load More Replies...
I could have written that at the 20-year point. I didn't see it coming. After the kids were gone, spouse decided she wanted to pursue a different 'life-style' that I was not OK with. It was over by 27 years. My advice? Just enjoy it. You never know. I certainly didn't.
He forgot a big one: Never ever expect your spouse to “just know” what you’re thinking or what you want at any given moment. You are two separate individuals. You can be somewhat alike and complement each other in some ways, but not all, which is why you will never be 100% in sync. If you expect them to read your mind and get it right all the time, then you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment, and creating both unnecessary tension and an unhappy household.
I'm 42 years married to the same "lucky" lady and still going and I'd just like to add one point. People say marriage should be 50/50. Wrong! Marriage is 100/100. You've both got to want it. Some days take more effort than others but you've got to be willing every day. If you do it right AND if you both chose the right partner it is worth every ounce of effort you put into the relationship. I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
46 yrs. Your 100/100 comment is a fresh perspective. Second luckiest guy here then.
Load More Replies...
This needs to come with one exception about abuse. If your partner directly and intentionally abuses you, does things that naturally damage trust like cheating etc. then they are the source and part of the issue. It’s not just your trust issue anymore that you need to work through yourself.
One thing that I've found helpful: Thinking of my marriage as a bank account. Arguments and disagreements are withdraws. Be sure to make enough deposits (in the form of small, everyday thank yous and compliments as well as random acts of kindness and favors) so that an argument doesn't leave you feeling like your relationship is going negative and you always have a strong foundation. It makes it easier to remember your relationship is bigger than any one disagreement.
Married 21yrs, most of these are right on, and the additional advice in the comments feel solid too. The one that’s helped us the most isn’t really here: focus on making your spouse feel special or happy.
Very true. And an important one for us - never stop laughing together. Humour and an ability to laugh even when it all goes wrong help keep you sane!
25 years , I don't disagree with him necessarily,but my experience is a little different.I'm a crazy person,and I somehow married the most patient man.If my SO tried to "push me"to do something it would make me feel more anxiety over whatever it is I was pushed towards.He has always stood by encouragingly without judgement or frustration. We fought in my house growing up.We yelled we hit we called names.My husband being patient taught me to handle things more calmly.We've literally only fought twice.We are always on each others' side even if we disagree.So,just a few little things that he stated as absolutes are different in my marriage .Trust is about the other person,not just yourself.Trust is essential,but it sometimes needs to be worked on together.
1-There are multiple definitions of family. It can be whatever you make it to be. Besides, definitions have changed over the time. 2- If my partner cheats on me, I will lose trust in them. That trust issue is NOT my fault. 3- How a person was raised can explain why a person is the way they are. However, many of those behaviors can be considered 'learned behaviors' and not so much genetics. It also does not entirely excuse one's behavior either. If we are old enough to know better and understand this, then it's not always an excuse. Not saying this is true across the board, but sometimes it is. 4- The you not being against your partner, but you both against the issue. I'm not entirely sure on this. I guess I think of issues that we disagree on. I will not always agree w/partner and that's ok. Sometimes we can be against each other. Situation depends. I will do my best to support my partner as a person, even if I don't support their choice.
He’s wrong. He is a marriage counselor. He’s probably better at it than some certified ones.
Former fiance gave me some FABULOUS advice: No matter HOW MAD YOU ARE, NEVER curse at your spouse. Not in front of other people, and not when you're alone. If you really do love that person, how could you be so disrespectful, and think the relationship will survive it??
#2!!! It amazes me how some people think they communicated something just because they said something. Communication requires 2 people. It's like that question "if a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" No. it doesn't. Sounds require ears to hear them, otherwise it's just vibrations in the air.
I really think the vast majority of men don't want to have kids. Either that, or they do want to have kids, but they don't want to get married to do it. I see so many couples in happy marriages get divorced after they have children. It almost always stems from the husband not being happy with the situation afterwards. The woman will pay more attention to the kids than the husband. And maybe that's how it should be, but I am just observing things I've seen in many relationships over the last 40 years.
If your marriage takes work then leave it. Who wants to work on someone that, if true love existed, would not need work. Maybe you need to face up to the fact that you are not really in love with your partner.
Married 23 years and so sad I haven’t seen this on the list or anyone’s comments. God in your marriage and a strong faith life are also key here. Gives everything a whole other level of love, purpose, hope in tough times, and meaning to the commitment. Still can’t imagine doing life with anyone else.
so it's your issue if your spouse lies all the time? bah. i'm glad this OP is happy and this is what he's come up with. but...well. good intentions do not always translate to good advice...
It IS your issue, and maybe you deal with the issue by getting a divorce, but don't expect them to change. It is like when I said to someone once "you have an attitude problem", and they responded "I may have an attitude, but you are the one that has a problem with it, not me".
Load More Replies...
I just love to see how bunch of Old farts turn a beautiful Relationship into educational boredom.
20 years? Amateur. Lol! 33 years married, 36 we have been together. There are only three secrets to a long-n-strong marriage. First, Brussel Sprouts. I like em soft and he likes a little to the tooth. I buy small ones for me and big ones for him. That's compromise. Second, Duck Season-Rabbit Season. Remember Bugs and Daffy arguing about whether it was Duck Season or Rabbit Season? Just nonsense and unimportant noise. Make it stop! Duck season-Rabbit season...who cares?!? The most important thing is to make it a part of your wedding vows that whoever leaves first has to take the kids.
i havent even been married a year it will a year in october but i already gave advice to a friend who just got married earlier this month. i told her if ur planning on kids wait until ur married life has settled in a bit me and my husband wanted to right away but realized we should wait. she told me he wants to but she doesnt kno if shes ready but hasnt told him that yet. i told her she needs to tell him bc all the choices u make now u make together its not just u anymore. i also told her that every marriage is different she is younger then me and a bunch of her friends havent married yet so she has no reference except me. she said she wanted her married life to b like mine. i told her me and my husband r both gamers we can sit in a room playing different games for hours never say a word to each other and wen we r done its nonstop talk about wat happened in our games also that me and my husband have common ground on everything. since her husband is kind of a gamer and she isnt shes bound to run into a few bumps that i dont worry about. it was after i explained all that that she realized my marriage and hers would b different. i also told her me and my husband r similar in basically every way except 2 things. im a positive look on the bright side kinda person so i dont get mad easy and wen i do, depending on wat its about, i just speak my mind or i go full blast angry no inbetween. my husband is a in the moment kinda person so he can get annoyed and angry in an instant over dumb little things. the 2nd thing. im too nice i care more about others then i do myself that goes for animals of all kinds too. im never mean or judge i dont bully or troll ppl ive got a heart of gold and respect all living beings....unless given a reason not to. my husband can b a major troll calls himself an asshole and doesnt care about anyone but me and family and himself. now before all of u say it sounds toxic he is never angry or a troll or an asshole to me he calls me his guiding light, his angel says im slowly making him a better person which to b honest his anger towards the world has calmed down. however that anger is for good reason. he yelled out the window while driving cursing at a guy who almost hit us and thats wen i realized from wat he said it was worry in an angry way. he yelled "u couldve hurt my wife". my friends husband doesnt have an anger streak so she wont have to see wat i do alot. she never realized how much the little things can do to a marriage. like i said not even 1 year married and im sure my marriage will have its bumps once we have kids cuz i was a nanny, camp counslor, babysitter for kids 10 and under and my husband never really spent time with kids. i think he will b different wen its his own kid but still if i need his help with something he will have to learn lol i cant change diapers and cook dinner at once i already kno that much.
I don't think his goal in life is to make you happier... don't depend on others to make yourself happy.
Load More Replies...
I did not see where anyone said "Kids are necessary for a family"?
Load More Replies... Wife and I have been together 44 years and probably the most important thing that's made us so successful, and is strangely missing from the list, is to make each other laugh every day. You can still do that after 40 years, you can get through anything.
Shared humor is amazing. It brings you closer together, it gets through the worst, it makes the good times even better. Yes, laughter is so important. Just thoroughly enjoying each other
Load More Replies... I think there's a glaring omission here: take a cold, hard, dispassionate look at your future partner before even considering marriage. I know, it's not romantic, but it has to be done. If you don't agree on life-impacting topics, such as financial goals, having kids, relations with each other's families, politics, etc., you're in for a lot of anguish. Before we got married, my husband and I discussed the terms of our divorce. I told him point-blank "no beating, no cheating." We agreed that this is a non-negotiable, once-and-done marriage killer. If either of us hits the other or cheats, then that's it--no counseling, no second chance, just divorce court. Love DOES NOT conquer all. Giving someone a pass to behave badly just because you love them is deadly. Again, it's not romantic, but I truly believe the idea that love conquers all is a myth. Love is why you're in the marriage, but it doesn't make problems go away.
Absolutely! Also talk before becoming more serious about life goals like marriage and children. If you must have kids or never want to get married (or whatever) this should be discussed before things get too serious
Load More Replies... "Marriage is one of the few things where we consider someone an expert if they've only successfully done it once". https://www.boredpanda.com/shower-thoughts-on-marriage-life/
Load More Replies... Like the OP says, these are things he learned throughout HIS marriage and none other's, though there is most likely a certain amount of truth in each statement. I don't exactly agree with #1 that you are only a family when kids are in the picture.... Families have always been quite diverse, two people and a dog are family, two people without dog are family, one person and a cat are a family, a couple who would love to have children but can't, are still a family! But that is just my personal take. Other than that I believe that the secret to a good marriage is a factor not to be underestimated: Luck. There is a certain component you cannot influence.
I agree. Too many people thinks that only a married couple with children is a family. No. Unmarried commited couples or couples without children are as much a family as any.
Load More Replies... I could have written that at the 20-year point. I didn't see it coming. After the kids were gone, spouse decided she wanted to pursue a different 'life-style' that I was not OK with. It was over by 27 years. My advice? Just enjoy it. You never know. I certainly didn't.
He forgot a big one: Never ever expect your spouse to “just know” what you’re thinking or what you want at any given moment. You are two separate individuals. You can be somewhat alike and complement each other in some ways, but not all, which is why you will never be 100% in sync. If you expect them to read your mind and get it right all the time, then you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment, and creating both unnecessary tension and an unhappy household.
I'm 42 years married to the same "lucky" lady and still going and I'd just like to add one point. People say marriage should be 50/50. Wrong! Marriage is 100/100. You've both got to want it. Some days take more effort than others but you've got to be willing every day. If you do it right AND if you both chose the right partner it is worth every ounce of effort you put into the relationship. I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
46 yrs. Your 100/100 comment is a fresh perspective. Second luckiest guy here then.
Load More Replies... This needs to come with one exception about abuse. If your partner directly and intentionally abuses you, does things that naturally damage trust like cheating etc. then they are the source and part of the issue. It’s not just your trust issue anymore that you need to work through yourself.
One thing that I've found helpful: Thinking of my marriage as a bank account. Arguments and disagreements are withdraws. Be sure to make enough deposits (in the form of small, everyday thank yous and compliments as well as random acts of kindness and favors) so that an argument doesn't leave you feeling like your relationship is going negative and you always have a strong foundation. It makes it easier to remember your relationship is bigger than any one disagreement.
Married 21yrs, most of these are right on, and the additional advice in the comments feel solid too. The one that’s helped us the most isn’t really here: focus on making your spouse feel special or happy.
Very true. And an important one for us - never stop laughing together. Humour and an ability to laugh even when it all goes wrong help keep you sane!
25 years , I don't disagree with him necessarily,but my experience is a little different.I'm a crazy person,and I somehow married the most patient man.If my SO tried to "push me"to do something it would make me feel more anxiety over whatever it is I was pushed towards.He has always stood by encouragingly without judgement or frustration. We fought in my house growing up.We yelled we hit we called names.My husband being patient taught me to handle things more calmly.We've literally only fought twice.We are always on each others' side even if we disagree.So,just a few little things that he stated as absolutes are different in my marriage .Trust is about the other person,not just yourself.Trust is essential,but it sometimes needs to be worked on together.
1-There are multiple definitions of family. It can be whatever you make it to be. Besides, definitions have changed over the time. 2- If my partner cheats on me, I will lose trust in them. That trust issue is NOT my fault. 3- How a person was raised can explain why a person is the way they are. However, many of those behaviors can be considered 'learned behaviors' and not so much genetics. It also does not entirely excuse one's behavior either. If we are old enough to know better and understand this, then it's not always an excuse. Not saying this is true across the board, but sometimes it is. 4- The you not being against your partner, but you both against the issue. I'm not entirely sure on this. I guess I think of issues that we disagree on. I will not always agree w/partner and that's ok. Sometimes we can be against each other. Situation depends. I will do my best to support my partner as a person, even if I don't support their choice.
He’s wrong. He is a marriage counselor. He’s probably better at it than some certified ones.
Former fiance gave me some FABULOUS advice: No matter HOW MAD YOU ARE, NEVER curse at your spouse. Not in front of other people, and not when you're alone. If you really do love that person, how could you be so disrespectful, and think the relationship will survive it??
#2!!! It amazes me how some people think they communicated something just because they said something. Communication requires 2 people. It's like that question "if a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" No. it doesn't. Sounds require ears to hear them, otherwise it's just vibrations in the air.
I really think the vast majority of men don't want to have kids. Either that, or they do want to have kids, but they don't want to get married to do it. I see so many couples in happy marriages get divorced after they have children. It almost always stems from the husband not being happy with the situation afterwards. The woman will pay more attention to the kids than the husband. And maybe that's how it should be, but I am just observing things I've seen in many relationships over the last 40 years.
If your marriage takes work then leave it. Who wants to work on someone that, if true love existed, would not need work. Maybe you need to face up to the fact that you are not really in love with your partner.
Married 23 years and so sad I haven’t seen this on the list or anyone’s comments. God in your marriage and a strong faith life are also key here. Gives everything a whole other level of love, purpose, hope in tough times, and meaning to the commitment. Still can’t imagine doing life with anyone else.
so it's your issue if your spouse lies all the time? bah. i'm glad this OP is happy and this is what he's come up with. but...well. good intentions do not always translate to good advice...
It IS your issue, and maybe you deal with the issue by getting a divorce, but don't expect them to change. It is like when I said to someone once "you have an attitude problem", and they responded "I may have an attitude, but you are the one that has a problem with it, not me".
Load More Replies... I just love to see how bunch of Old farts turn a beautiful Relationship into educational boredom.
20 years? Amateur. Lol! 33 years married, 36 we have been together. There are only three secrets to a long-n-strong marriage. First, Brussel Sprouts. I like em soft and he likes a little to the tooth. I buy small ones for me and big ones for him. That's compromise. Second, Duck Season-Rabbit Season. Remember Bugs and Daffy arguing about whether it was Duck Season or Rabbit Season? Just nonsense and unimportant noise. Make it stop! Duck season-Rabbit season...who cares?!? The most important thing is to make it a part of your wedding vows that whoever leaves first has to take the kids.
i havent even been married a year it will a year in october but i already gave advice to a friend who just got married earlier this month. i told her if ur planning on kids wait until ur married life has settled in a bit me and my husband wanted to right away but realized we should wait. she told me he wants to but she doesnt kno if shes ready but hasnt told him that yet. i told her she needs to tell him bc all the choices u make now u make together its not just u anymore. i also told her that every marriage is different she is younger then me and a bunch of her friends havent married yet so she has no reference except me. she said she wanted her married life to b like mine. i told her me and my husband r both gamers we can sit in a room playing different games for hours never say a word to each other and wen we r done its nonstop talk about wat happened in our games also that me and my husband have common ground on everything. since her husband is kind of a gamer and she isnt shes bound to run into a few bumps that i dont worry about. it was after i explained all that that she realized my marriage and hers would b different. i also told her me and my husband r similar in basically every way except 2 things. im a positive look on the bright side kinda person so i dont get mad easy and wen i do, depending on wat its about, i just speak my mind or i go full blast angry no inbetween. my husband is a in the moment kinda person so he can get annoyed and angry in an instant over dumb little things. the 2nd thing. im too nice i care more about others then i do myself that goes for animals of all kinds too. im never mean or judge i dont bully or troll ppl ive got a heart of gold and respect all living beings....unless given a reason not to. my husband can b a major troll calls himself an asshole and doesnt care about anyone but me and family and himself. now before all of u say it sounds toxic he is never angry or a troll or an asshole to me he calls me his guiding light, his angel says im slowly making him a better person which to b honest his anger towards the world has calmed down. however that anger is for good reason. he yelled out the window while driving cursing at a guy who almost hit us and thats wen i realized from wat he said it was worry in an angry way. he yelled "u couldve hurt my wife". my friends husband doesnt have an anger streak so she wont have to see wat i do alot. she never realized how much the little things can do to a marriage. like i said not even 1 year married and im sure my marriage will have its bumps once we have kids cuz i was a nanny, camp counslor, babysitter for kids 10 and under and my husband never really spent time with kids. i think he will b different wen its his own kid but still if i need his help with something he will have to learn lol i cant change diapers and cook dinner at once i already kno that much.
I don't think his goal in life is to make you happier... don't depend on others to make yourself happy.
Load More Replies... I did not see where anyone said "Kids are necessary for a family"?
Load More Replies...
216
73