Person Asks What Married People Want All Unmarried People To Know About Married Life, 30 Deliver
Some couples are so focused on getting things ready for their amazing wedding that they don’t spend enough time thinking about what happens after saying, “I do.” The realities of married life might clash with their expectations (if any) about what it would all be like, and it might lead to some resentment, fiery arguments, and overall bitterness. Fortunately, not all hope is lost!
There’s a lot of wisdom hidden on the internet—you just need to know where to look. And handy tips and tricks about married life are no exception. Married internet users, tried-and-tested veterans of long-term relationships, took to the r/AskReddit subreddit to share their best bits of advice that they think every non-married couple should know before tying the proverbial knot.
We’ve collected their best insights into married life, so scroll down and have a read, dear Pandas. From how vital it is to support one another to keeping date nights alive and well and beyond, you’ll find a wealth of heartfelt relationship guidance below.
I reached out to dating and relationship expert Dan Bacon, the founder of The Modern Man project, for his insights on marriage and married life. "In my experience, marriage has been completely different to just being in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Since both my wife and I take the vow of marriage seriously and have sincerely married each other, we treat each other as though we really are going to be together for life," Dan, who has been together with his wife for 9 years, told Bored Panda.
"When you’re in a marriage for real, you approach the relationship in a way where you are in it for life and therefore, you sincerely care about how you make the other person feel and their experience in the relationship on a daily basis. They are literally the most important person to you and you act accordingly." Scroll down to take a peek at the expert's other thoughts on married life, dear Readers.
When you’re done reading, you might want to check out this Bored Panda article right here about married life. And if you’re in a healthy, happy relationship, why not share your own married life tips in the comments? We’re sure you’ve got some great ideas, Pandas.
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The best thing about marriage is that there is always someone there when you come home. The worst part of marriage is that there is always someone there when you come home.
Dan, the founder of The Modern Man, explained to Bored Panda that dating and marriage are very different ball games entirely. "Dating is for now and marriage is for life, so people’s behavior and treatment of each other usually adjusts to suit that," he said.
"I say ‘usually’ because some people make the mistake of treating a marriage more like a dating relationship," the relationship expert noted that some people don't think about how their behavior will affect the other person in the long run, they keep an eye open for other relationship opportunities, and they become emotionally detached. "As a result, the marriage falls apart over time."
If you're more interested in the Wedding itself than the idea of being married, you're not ready to be married
The wedding if for everyone else as I see it...you're just there...most of my friends think it was going to be great and then not even getting a chance to just chill with everyone. Save on the wedding...spend on the house/honeymoon/investments.
Kids make everything more complicated, harder, and infinitely more stressful. Your entire world will be turned upside down. Or at least it should be. Please don't procreate unless you're absolutely sure you're able to handle it.
And more families too.. the amount of pressure families put on couples to have kids is horrifying... In India, that is often heard. The worst is when they say - have a kid and things will sort out. .. no, they just get worse
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*closes the book and goes looking for my five cats*
Load More Replies... Nobody is able to handle it all in the beginning but you grow with your children as a parent. At least, this is how it should be.
That's what I was going to say. I doubt I would have been "absolutely sure" I was ready for marriage, much less children. Don't do it until you're ready, don't do it for the wrong reasons, but I think absolute certainty is a rare thing.
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Unfortunately most people don't realize it until they've had the kid. Sometimes you think you can, but you can't.
So many people think kids are what makes a relationship...it isn't. I have seen too many couples get married...rush into kids and then when they're arguing and fighting later on they can't leave because of the kids. Kids aren't scapegoats...or vital to a relationship. Please don't unless you really know you both are ready.
Even if you think you can handle it, trust me, you can't. We have learned to humble ourselves and ask for help. It takes a village
There are lots of negative posts on BP about kids so I will be the voice of pro-kids. They're curious about life and learning. They're generally positive and have a good attitude. They're easy to please with simple things. They mostly just want your time and to engage you. They're keen to learn from you. They are noisy. When they get very noisy it's usually because they're hungry and don't know it. They need to run. Every day. At least an hour. No, dragging them behind a car on a rope is not ethical.
There's nothing wrong with the kiddos themselves...but it does put a strain on the relationship of the adults. Priorities change, money gets tighter, lack of sleep... It is absolutely a strain. Thats not to say it isn't worth it in the long run,but folks need to be prepared for the reality of it before they're in it,cuz its not like you can send them back for a refund.
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There’s nothing wrong with getting married knowing you don’t want kids - if anything it means you’ve dealt with the most awkward issues beforehand.
When you really want kids, it’s best to question with the partner if they are truly ready orready to be a responsible parents.
No one is ready for the turmoil and upheaval that children being. No one
Yup. Always when i hear people that are about to break up and then decide to have a kid instead to "save the relationship" i think "oooh noooo". Kids make it SO much harder. Its like skipping 100 levels up, and relationstips are hard enough as it is... BUT, the thing is you realize this after the kid is already born, so its not really ok to judge parents for something they didnt know.
Has little to do with marriage... I am not married, however do have kids, so as advice to people struggling in a marriage, having a baby will definitely not solve your problems. Sleep deprivation and stress will just make it infinitely worse. You need to be a solid team, and even then kids can make you lash out at each other every once in a while...
A very close young family can become estranged when kids become adults and have their own families. Parents/grandparents forgotten. Just have to accept it and move on. 😥
You can be unmarried with kids and married without them, so this doesn't belong on this list.
I was interested to get to grips about whether things change drastically after marriage for a couple or if most long-term relationships inevitably change over time. Relationship expert Dan said that a lot depends on a couple's perspective on marriage. How a couple thinks about marriage, what it means to them, and how sincere they are about spending the rest of their lives together shapes their relationship.
In his experience, marriage is vastly different from dating. He and his wife view marriage very seriously, as though it really is for life, like in everyone's vows. "Having that kind of attitude, or using that kind of approach in a marriage, results in both people behaving a lot better in the relationship," Dan said. This way, neither person takes the other for granted, they truly care about each other, they don't become annoying to the other. What's more, healthy married couples honestly want the best for each other and continue to make long terms plans with one another. In contrast, unmarried relationships can sometimes be less serious and committed because one or both people might not really care if it breaks up one day.
Marriage is rarely two strong people, it’s about taking turns being strong for each other.
I know it sounds cliche but it’s true. You will both have days when your relationship feels invincible, and there can be months where one of you is depressed or hurting. You both have to be willing to support each other no matter the circumstances.
Don’t sweep problems under the rug. Fight it out & make up.
Your partner has to be your number one priority, over your career & extended family.
This is probably the hardest part about being single/unmarried...when you're at your weak point, there isn't anyone to lean on for support.
Marriage isn't really about romance; its about finances. Seriously. If you are not talking finances with someone, you are not thinking about the future enough to even be considering marriage.
Marriage is for when you love someone in the kind of way where you think about how they will be taken care of when you die. When you look at them and think "I am glad she has health insurance because I don't want to lose her".
I have been married 8 years now, and I never wanted to get married. I wasn't looking for a wife. However, I found myself a life partner and... within a year found I couldn't bear the thought of her not having health insurance. I found myself looking down the road and realized, I was afraid of losing her to something I could prevent.
You don't need to be married to live with someone, to have sex with them, whatever. Marriage is for when the thought of death leaves you so conflicted that death is far less frightening than not being there for her when it happens. When you find yourself hoping that she goes first, because you could never wish the pain of loss on her.
Death no longer means blackness and nothingness to me. It means me not being there to soothe her pain. Any person who doesn't know that conflict has no business getting married.
HA! My wife and I have playfully arguments about who gets to kick off first because we don't wanna be without each other.
Just because people have always told you that marriage and kids go hand in hand, it doesn’t mean that has to be true for you.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and are never having kids. We just want to focus on each other and our individual/couple goals in life.
Dan stressed the fact that when you "marry for real," you don't view it as a temporary thing. The decision changes your life. "It’s a huge part of your life experience because the other person is literally going to be there the whole way, so you don’t want to mess up the happy, in love dynamic that you’re experiencing together. You want the love and good times to last for life, so it encourages you to be a better person in the relationship."
Back in July, I interviewed Anna and Sarah from The Wedding Society about healthy married life. They told Bored Panda that some people are far too focused on the wedding than the marriage.
"In the image-conscious, social media-driven world we currently live in, it's so easy to get caught up in the visual aesthetics of how your wedding looks. So much focus goes into planning the day that the actual reason for the day can get lost," they revealed to me earlier.
"Thankfully, there's a big trend now to go back to what's authentic, meaningful, and significant. That means focusing your day around highlighting what your relationship means to you rather than how the public think it should look. It's an amazing trend and we're 100% here for it,” Anna and Sarah said that things are changing somewhat.
Love evolves. It’s not always fireworks.
Yeeeees...The first feelings you have for someone...I call it being twitterpated...where you look past the faults and defects they have...yeah, that's gonna fade. Think of how you first felt for an ex, and how you feel now. Hopefully, that twitterpation will evolve into a deeper love. One where you can see the faults, scars, and broken parts of your partner and it doesn't really matter. You accept the chips and cracks, help heal them if they want it and if they don't, try to get over it. Yeah, some things can't be looked over like abusive behavior, but some things aren't that big a deal in the long run. You're both going to change and evolve. Hopefully folks can evolve together.
Make sure you both are on the same page when it comes to priorities and core values that affect your daily lives. If you aren’t now, you probably won’t be after getting married either.
This is a major one for me. Everyone I know who had different views on whether to have children or not have ended up splitting up. Don't go into it hoping the other will eventually change their mind. They might, it does happen of course, but you really cannot put all your hopes into it doing so. A friend of mine longed for years for her husband to change her mind but he never did. She was then in a panic trying to find someone who would 'do' because she was running out of time - that's not great either.
Marriage isn't always a 50/50 partnership. Sometimes, it's 70/30. Sometimes it's 80/20. Sometimes it's 100/0.
This isn't a reflection on effort or commitment. That should always be 100%. What this means is that you will sometimes have to work harder than the other for one reason or another. Ex. If one becomes sick, then the other must pick up the slack. Maybe I'm oversimplifying it, but the married folk will understand what I am saying.
"We do find that couples who set some time after the day for a honeymoon to spend with each other and celebrate what's just happened in your relationship together (rather than jumping straight back into day-to-day life) can be hugely beneficial," they told Bored Panda.
"You'll never get this time back so it's important to relish it. That said, it really doesn't matter how amazing your wedding is. If it's not formalizing a relationship that has a good foundation, it ain't gonna make the relationship last. That much we know for sure."
I also have a lovely chat about long term relationships with expert Alex Scot. She stressed the fact that we need alone time, that we need to take care of our individual needs, and that we can’t do absolutely everything as a couple.
"When we take time to ourselves, we are meeting our own needs, feeling autonomous, and it allows us time to miss our partner. Without regular alone time within our relationships, we can become drained and even resentful," Alex told Bored Panda.
Live together before getting married. You can only really know a person if you go through all kinds of situations with him/her.
Never let it be you against them. Always make it the two of you against the problem.
Marry your absolute best friend.
Keep dating. Just because you’re married doesn’t give either of you the right to stop trying to woo each other. There’s no shame in scheduling a regular are night. Take turns planning.
Always try harder than each other, to make each other smile, or to settle the argument.
Grudges and entitlement are death.
Take your time to formulate your thoughts, but don’t let stuff that bothers you sit for long. If at all possible, resolve before going to bed.
Don’t go to bed angry. Even if it’s not resolved, try to find a place of neutrality or objectivity in your own mind before passing out.
There are no contests. You either win together, or everyone loses. (Except in Carcassonne)
Learn to argue well. It’s going to happen. Learn to voice your concerns and opinions in a constructive way, learn to listen to theirs, learn to compromise, and then put it behind you. Leave everything in the discussion. It’s ok to be uncomfortable, it’s not ok to carry that with you permanently. Think of it as relational workout. It’s hard, it’s tough, or sucks, but you can grow stronger from it. (Just don’t get addicted to it)
The only thing you should EVER hide is presents.
Yep...was wanting to say this somewhere...I think its an excellent idea to be friends before marriage. I married my bestest friend, and she says the same thing. And just like friends, sometimes you need time apart. You need your own space to do your thing separate from them. You shouldn't be stuck up each other's butt all the time cuz even your closest friends company can begin to chaff.
The relationship expert detailed that we shouldn’t obsess over the idea of finding ‘the one’ who perfectly matches us. What’s more important is being grounded and finding a partner whose core values align with ours. They also need to have healthy relationship skills or at least the willingness to work to develop them.
"When we get hung up on this concept of 'the one,' we are less present with whoever we are dating at any specific moment because of this fear or curiosity that something out there is better—which leads to serial dating,” she said.
"For some reason, we step into adulthood, get into long-term relationships and believe we must 'adult' now and get serious, which leads us to denying ourselves of playtime. To get that spark back, go do something new together, play a game together, or revisit a nostalgic spot or activity,” Alex suggested that being playful can help reignite our feelings for our spouse if we feel things have gotten cold, grey, and mundane.
You're going to get annoyed with each other and get mad over silly things, and sometimes you have to realize that you (yes you) were the a-hole.
Things will change so try to grow together rather than grow apart. You have to communicate with your partner. Don’t hurt them on purpose. Do the dishes even after you worked all day because it’s nice sometimes.
Marriages thrive on kindness. It's all encompassing, covering all aspects of a life. When you are kind to your spouse above all others, it's exponential.
Me and my wife were friends with a Astrophysicist, super chill guy always had a philosopher at his side to "help ground" him. Anyways we told him we planned on marrying and he asked us if he could give us two words of advice. He said "stay friends" and at first we felt his advice went against the whole idea of stepping it up to marriage, we were wrong. After a year of separation we started dating again and took his advice, 12 years of friendship.
I got some super cheesy advice (I forget where, it could have come out of a fortune cookie):
"The work of keeping a marriage solid should be split 80/20 with both sides doing 80%."
Super cheesy right? Totally works.
The initial, intense feelings of love and lust are fleeting, marry someone you want to grow old with, that you want to spend boring nights at home with. Things will get hard at times, but if you are as kind as you can be, you'll come out the other side with an even stronger foundation. Laugh as much as you can.
My dad used to say "Find someone to be with that the rest of your life doesn't seem long enough"
After 20 years married (married originally at 23 and 21) the most important thing I’ve learned is that you need to be ready to marry your partner several times in your lifetime. We all change, sometimes drastically. Children, careers, aging, you name it! Your priorities today will not be your priories tomorrow. Same likely for your interests, friends, politics.
I like to say that so far I’ve married my wife three times. As your partner changes, you need to learn to appreciate and fall in love with the new person they become. Most simply become resentful and hurt. “You used to....” Avoid any thought that begins with those words. They are poison. Focus on love, appreciation and getting to know your partner over and over. Variety is the spice of life after all...
Yep! The person you marry should be who they are fundamentally, and no part of how that manifests itself should be detrimental to your relationship. ...Unless they get abusive, of course. Then the two of you need to take some steps to either change that abusive behavior or get away ASAP.
Talk. Schedule dates and time where you disconnect from kids, work and other responsibilities.
Do not be afraid to "hurt each others feelings". If your spouse is doing something that annoys you, let them know. If you don't voice it, it can't be addressed.
Talk about finances and long term goals early on.
Kids do not fix marital problems.
Edited to add...I believe marriage is a life-long commitment and that most problems are fixable. I think a lot of marriages fail because couples aren't prepared to do the work. Marriage isn't fire-and-forget, you have to take care of it. If you leave your dog at home all day, don't be upset at it for s***ting on the rug.
Yup, don't let it get to the point where what could have been easily solved with a conversation ends up being addressed too late with a row.
"The one" does not exist. There are many. Different people from different situations create different relationships. There is not only one way to live your life. There are many paths, many potential partners. Just make sure the one you chose is good for you.
My dad always told me "Son, don't marry the girl you can't live without; marry the girl you can live with"
My wife and I have a word, when spoken, we have to drop everything, halt hostilities, and go cuddle each other for at least 5 minutes.
And then.. she forgets what she was mad about!
I tied the knot with my wife 2.5 years after first meeting her. (really, really fast)
I've dated girls longer than I've known my wife. Don't get married because you have to, don't get married because "Well, it's been long enough we should probably do the thing." Get married because you know you can live with their quirks for the rest of your life, and get married when you're ready.
You are about to gain an entirely new side to your family. All their drama, all their family events, all their everything, and it's the most shocking part. Basically double your current amount of time you need to spend with relatives.
Your partner comes first, and as long as you both think this you'll be fine. When you have kids remember that you loved your partner first.
You guys are a TEAM. "The one who cares least controls the relationships" is terrible advice because that's not a relationship, that's a competition. It's not you vs them, it's both of you vs everyone else. Have their back, and they'll have yours. In other words, don't worry about wearing the pants in the relationship.
We were married a year after meeting. Just celebrated our 55th anniversary. You evolve over time...good and bad. Respect each other. Don't do everything together. Have separate interests. Go on a weekend away with a friend. Trust and always be there for each other. Don't be pressured into having children...they really do test a marriage!
Know what each others 'Love Language' is. There are 5: Physical touch, words of affirmation, gift giving, act of service, and quality time. One of these is your major love language and the other is your minor. These are what your partner can do for you to make you feel loved. Once you know how to make your partner feel loved and visa-versa it makes for such a wonderful relationship.
It's good to know these because, for example, you may think that showering your partner with gifts is a way to show love because that is how you feel loved. When, in fact, making them a cup of coffee in the morning means a lot more because 'act of service' is their love language.
Take the quiz at: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Trust me....take it!!!!
"Every woman has her chairs, something she needs to put herself into, Banes. You ever figure out what Lisa's chairs were and buy 'em?" from Phenomenon
My Grandpa told me some interesting advice once. He knows he lived in a different time but he said if he had to do it all over again he would do two things:
He wished he hadn't had kids right away. I mean he loved his kids, and he would have had 10 had my grandma let him. But after they were gone they traveled, and he told me that he saw a lot of things that 25 year old him would have killed to do, but at 60 he was too old. He did not mean waiting 10 years, but he wished instead he and my grams had done a little more traveling in their youth during the first 2 years of their marriage. He was a sailor in the Navy and had seen the world, so he took for granted some of the things he missed out on.
Live with each other. He said the HARDEST adjustment he went through was living with my grandma. Everyone has quirks and trust me some of them are going to drive you absolutely crazy. He definitely did not mean for a long time, but he said he wished he and my grams had moved in during the period in which they were engaged. I mean he and my grams were happily married for 62 years until he passed, but he said that was by far the hardest adjustment.
Now Im not married, but Ill tell you, this seems like good advice from the person who had the happiest marriage I have ever been witness too, and for a WW2 generation he lived the American Dream, had a house 4 kids all graduate college, 5 grand kids... Maybe not everyone's ideal, but he died a very happy man at 85
Regarding the commitment you're making, you are (or should be) signing up to stick by the person you're marrying. This means you marry the person they are, but you also marry any version of the person they'll become. Everyone goes through changes, and by design marriage is supposed to be a commitment to endure those changes whatever the case.
This truth is why I am so thankful that my wife and I were friends for 19 years before we got married! We both went through a lot of changes in that time (some of them quite dramatic!), and we still loved each other when all was said and done.
Sometimes, doing stuff you hate or dislike doing for the sake of the other, and actually doing it with a positive attitude, will bring you closer and you’ll change for the better as a person.
Touch each other every day.
It's proven to help maintain your relationship bond, keep the happy bonding chemicals fresh, and it's good for your health. It's easy and pleasant, it has huge pay off, and you will be happier.
Unless and until your partner decides that he isn't going to care for himself anymore. I cannot even stand for him to walk too close to me. Yes, I have talked to him (nicely, not so nicely, threateningly, and finally, stopped talking).
You need to actually sit down and discuss what you view as your future. I had some friends horribly break up; they were of two different religions and it hadn't been an issue as they didn't really practice and did Jewish holidays with one, Christian the other, nbd. Apparently the wife thought that even though they were doing both, the kids would be of her religion because the mother is the one who passes the religion along, and he thought they'd continue celebrating both. It ended up being the end of the marriage. How they got that far without realizing that religion was an issue is unknown to me, but I'm also not the only person who knows someone this happened to.
Also: Money. You need to talk about your money expectations for the future.
I was told when I was engaged that the most common things married couples fight about are money and where to spend the holidays, and it seems to be totally accurate.
It is Thanksgiving so I read the last paragraph to my husband as we will be spending the day with his family without coersion on my part. And my husband agreed with the paragraph vigorously! I was stunned. We've always been in agreement of where to be. ROFL! He is British and thought holiday meant our overseas travel. Hint: Me: let's go to Bhutan, Tibet and the train from China to Lhasa. Him: let's go to one city and walk around, eat in the same place and sleep in the same bed the whole time. There was a solution... We cruise with lots of ports to visit.
Note: this post originally had 60 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.
If the thought "if it doesn't work out I can always get a divorce" ever enters your mind, you're definitely not ready to get married.
I was once in a long-term relationship, and she cheated on me. Years later I met someone else, then got married, bought a house together and had children. She cheated on me too. I was left thinking there was something seriously wrong with me. But then I met my soulmate. We clicked right away. 10 years later and I now realise that what I had before wasn't love, it was just meeting someone and spending your lives together. Basically, my current partner is my best friend, but with benefits. We can be 100 percent ourselves with each other. That's what to look for in a partner. Not easy to find that pearl in the oyster, but it took me 45 years and I finally managed. Good luck to all the singles out there who are looking for someone!
Read Communication for Dummies, then Marriage for Dummies. Even if you're not intending marriage. You learn a lot about yourself.
I'd say don't do it unless you're willing to take your vows seriously and be truly committed to this person. Because you do go through ups, downs, sickness, health etc. plus you have to accept flaws, swallow your own pride when your own flaws dominate a situation. You have to be able to forgive and ask forgiveness. If my hubs and I(married 39 years) we're not committed to the vows we took we'd have been done a long time ago. But it isn't only that! It's so many great memories, so many hilarious jokes that only we know, it's someone that is on your side. CAVEAT: I do not support anything I just said if there is abuse whether emotional or physical.
I always thought marriages (the marriage license) should last 5 years. As the 5 years come to a close, an opportunity is created where the couple can pause and reflect, and decide to "remarry"(another 5 years) or separate. I think so many marriages are dysfunctional because of inertia - they just accept that this is their marriage and life, despite how miserable it might be.
This is about (serious) relationships, not marriage. It is majorly worrying if people are in relationships but these things only apply after they sign a legal document.
That marriage isn't mandatory and doesn't do s**t. No, I'm not married.
Married 23+ years - been through LOTS. Still wouldn’t want anyone else. Number one thing here - God in the marriage. That union of you both as one and partners with God in the mix. It gives meaning, purpose, commitment, true love, and protection.
If the thought "if it doesn't work out I can always get a divorce" ever enters your mind, you're definitely not ready to get married.
I was once in a long-term relationship, and she cheated on me. Years later I met someone else, then got married, bought a house together and had children. She cheated on me too. I was left thinking there was something seriously wrong with me. But then I met my soulmate. We clicked right away. 10 years later and I now realise that what I had before wasn't love, it was just meeting someone and spending your lives together. Basically, my current partner is my best friend, but with benefits. We can be 100 percent ourselves with each other. That's what to look for in a partner. Not easy to find that pearl in the oyster, but it took me 45 years and I finally managed. Good luck to all the singles out there who are looking for someone!
Read Communication for Dummies, then Marriage for Dummies. Even if you're not intending marriage. You learn a lot about yourself.
I'd say don't do it unless you're willing to take your vows seriously and be truly committed to this person. Because you do go through ups, downs, sickness, health etc. plus you have to accept flaws, swallow your own pride when your own flaws dominate a situation. You have to be able to forgive and ask forgiveness. If my hubs and I(married 39 years) we're not committed to the vows we took we'd have been done a long time ago. But it isn't only that! It's so many great memories, so many hilarious jokes that only we know, it's someone that is on your side. CAVEAT: I do not support anything I just said if there is abuse whether emotional or physical.
I always thought marriages (the marriage license) should last 5 years. As the 5 years come to a close, an opportunity is created where the couple can pause and reflect, and decide to "remarry"(another 5 years) or separate. I think so many marriages are dysfunctional because of inertia - they just accept that this is their marriage and life, despite how miserable it might be.
This is about (serious) relationships, not marriage. It is majorly worrying if people are in relationships but these things only apply after they sign a legal document.
That marriage isn't mandatory and doesn't do s**t. No, I'm not married.
Married 23+ years - been through LOTS. Still wouldn’t want anyone else. Number one thing here - God in the marriage. That union of you both as one and partners with God in the mix. It gives meaning, purpose, commitment, true love, and protection.
