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Woman Refuses To Learn Boyfriend’s Native Language Because “It’s Ugly” Despite Living There For 5 Years, Drama Ensues
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Woman Refuses To Learn Boyfriend’s Native Language Because “It’s Ugly” Despite Living There For 5 Years, Drama Ensues

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Recently, this story a 28-year-old Dutch man posted on the AITA subreddit attracted everyone’s attention. In a lengthy post, the Redditor Bruvikmage shared how he’s been living with his Italian girlfriend in one of the Netherlands’ cities.

Apparently, the 25-year-old woman, who has spent already 5 years in his country, doesn’t particularly enjoy the Dutch way of living, especially the language part of it. “She is living here for 5 years, and we are dating for almost 2 years. She speaks no Dutch and makes no effort to learn. Even simple phrases/greetings, she won’t bother with them,” the author explained.

Although he finds it weird and frustrating that she doesn’t put any effort into learning his language, his girlfriend thinks that Dutch is “difficult, sounds ugly, and she doesn’t need it for her work or social life, so what’s the point?”

As you may suspect, the point came when this got on the author’s nerves and he simply blew up.

Recently, a frustrated man shared how his girlfriend refused to learn his native language although she’s been living in his country for 5 years

Image credits: Vera Arsic (not the actual photo)

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Image credits: Vera Arsic (not the actual photo)

Learning Dutch while living in the Netherlands has been long a subject of heated debate on expat forums. While it’s no secret that most people coming from abroad don’t hurry to learn this West Germanic language, especially when the Dutch speak English so well, the question remains whether they should start to at some point.

However, when expats start to settle in the Netherlands, they realize they’re not as literate as they previously thought. Many of them won’t be able to read their bills, official government documents (immigration papers, drivers license info, immunization notices, etc.), menus, the push/pull sign on doors, etc.

Many expats also find it pretty difficult to stick to speaking Dutch, especially in the beginning, because the locals instantly switch to English if they see them struggling. No wonder many expats give up, but is it the only way? Well, tell us what you think in the comments below!

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The author later gave some more information about the whole situation

Many people were on the author’s side

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While others thought nobody is right in this situation

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petemccann avatar
DrBronxx
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sounds to me like the OP is feeling more disrespect towards his country/culture, rather than simply being annoyed that she doesn't want to learn the language. Insulting the language on top of that is just, well, insulting. We all make efforts for our partners, and it sounds like she isn't doing that (well, on this front, anyway. She could be making lots of effort on other fronts).

katiejohnson_1 avatar
Groundcontroltomajortom
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She seems like she's coming off a bit arrogant to me? Like she's too good to speak their language which is incredibly rude. Calling a language ugly is just downright disrespectful.

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jansje50 avatar
Marco Valkenberg
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think it's very rude. I also live in The Netherlands in Amsterdam. And yes we all speak English and switch to English very fast if we hear someone does not speak Dutch. It has come to the point that even the employees in stores don't speak Dutch (because everyone speaks English). I think it's very bad. Not all Dutch people speak fluent English. So they struggle to get some service. If you live here please learn our beautiful language. And The Dutch have to be a bit more helpful and speak more Dutch to help expats to be able to practice more :)

saihoekstra avatar
Sanne H.
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I used to be that Dutch person who switches to English, but a few years ago I stopped being that cooperative. My mother tongue is beautiful and rich of words in its own way, and I expect waiters and shopkeepers in The Netherlands to manage at least the basics of it if I visit their place. Plus if we speak English to them all the time, they will never learn and integrate well.

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faithhurst-bilinski avatar
Bi-Polar Express
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How do you manage to live somewhere for 5 years and not pick up any of the language?

petemccann avatar
DrBronxx
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You'd be surprised. I've been in Japan for more than 10 years. My wife speaks almost perfect English, and her family all speak English to some degree as well. My job is entirely in English, and use of Japanese is discouraged most of the time. I had to go out of my way to learn Japanese, and it's really not as good as it should be.

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galtopegnu avatar
Edgar
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you live in a country, that's the minimum to learn the language, the history, the customs, the culture. Show some respect to your hosts. If you move somewhere, be prepared to do that. Otherwise, have some wisdom to question yourself on the reason you're there.

tompacza avatar
tom
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

well, a young lady from Tasmania (Australia) married the prince of Denmark and she learned Danish. Speaks it like a champion. Alternatively you could go to neutral ground and both learn Arabic

1980munchkin avatar
Kura
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm Dutch and have been living in Italy for the past 14 years and I speak seven languages. The problem with the gf is pride. Most Italians are extremely proud of their country and everything Italian. Their food and their drinks need to be Italian or otherwise it's not good enough. Only their teams are the best football players. Their women are the most gorgeous. Their language the most beautiful. This way of thinking is ingrained in their culture and is most difficult to change. If you truly love someone, you would do anything to keep them happy, especially if it's considered important to them. This girl, however, doesn't want to do or learn the bare minimum even if it once could save her life. If she is unwilling to be open and adapt to her environment, then I fear these two will not have a future..

leodomitrix avatar
Leo Domitrix
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

FFS, I learn enough language to hold a simple conversation if I'm just a *tourist* for a month. Learn the language out of simple courtesy! (And self-preservation).

lauraisabel avatar
Laura Isabel
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I find the Dutch language and all things about them to be absolutely fascinating! I follow a few Dutch Artists on YT and love their pronunciations of certain letters and words so interesting! I'm Latina and if I moved to a different country to be with my loved one, I'd immerse myself in his culture, language and all sorts of other things. I'd also help my partner do the same if he were to move to 🇵🇷 to be with me. NTA...

livlisbon84 avatar
Olivia Lisbon
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I teach Dutch to immigrants, mostly asylum seekers. Most of them are very eager to learn, but there’s two major issues: people will indeed switch to English as soon as they even think you’re foreign (this happens to me constantly since I don’t look very Dutch), and a lot of my students have virtually no contact with Dutch people during the week. They stick to friends and family they know from their home country, so their whole practice is 2 hours a week with me. And that’s a slow, slow process. It very much depends on how much they want to put in the practice - one of my students just passed an exam to be able to study medicine (she was a med student in Syria too) and I am just so proud of her, she works so hard and the difference is she got a part time job at a chemist to practice - much more exposure. That’s the one thing that’ll make the difference.

moyamcbride avatar
MoMcB
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

While not in the Netherlands, I lived in Germany for a while. I tried to learn German, but as soon as I went in to a shop or restaurant, the staff switched over to English. Didn't help practice for me, but many wanted to practice English too.

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talovich avatar
Yugan Talovich
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If she lives in the Netherlands, it would be polite to learn at least some basic phrases, especially since her boyfriend is Dutch. She can still speak English or Italian or whatever she pleases with him, but she should at least learn a few phrases.

julielovern avatar
Bhadrika Love
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is hard to learn a language when so many there speak English that there's no pressure and little opportunity to practice (my daughter lives there, and that's slowing her down in learning Dutch). BUT - if she learned English, it's ridiculous to say Dutch is "too hard," she could easily practice with the OP, and calling it ugly is just plain rude.

writerdahling avatar
Dori
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is what I was thinking also. And if she can learn English, it's not impossible for her to learn toher languages. I know someone who's not neurotypical and has extreme difficulty learning other languages. This siitation is not like my friend's.

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zedrapazia avatar
Zedrapazia
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My boyfriend doesn't speak German and has huge issues learning it so it doesn't bother me because he comes along with English well. However, he did try at least and has never been disrespectful towards my culture (and I'm not good at speaking Spanish either), so we're even. I feel like there's more issues in this Dutch Italian relationship than just the refusal to learn his language.

rearobinson avatar
LittleWombat
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My parents were married 53 years, until death parted them. My mom came to the US from Yugoslavia speaking barely any English but she learned it. When she and my dad married, he couldn't learn her difficult language fully (they were in their early 30s by then), but he made sure to know as much as he could, he traveled to her home in Croatia, spoke as much Croatian as he could to her father, made sure we knew her heritage - THAT is how you treat a partner you respect and love. You embrace the things about them that make them who they are. Had they quarreled over who's language or land is better, they wouldn't have been together because that resentment only grows over time.

rhodaguirreparras avatar
manuelamartins avatar
Manuela Martins
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hmmmm..... I don't think it's about the language but rather about the fact that an insecurity manifests itself in him through this language story. The fact that the girlfriend refuses to learn the language of the country she lives in, "his" language, perhaps triggers an irrational fear in him that she might not take the relationship as seriously as he does. But to openly call one's native language "ugly" shows a lack of tact.

vs222ak avatar
Ladytron
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Maybe they should talk about the future? Does she plan on staying there? I mean, if she doesn't plan to stay there it makes sense not to bother... seems more of the issue. That being said, 5 years is a fairly long time to not learn even a few words and expressions...

lisahewes avatar
Lisa H
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If I didn't know any better, I'd say she's gone out of her way to not learn the language.

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sanchishiva avatar
Sanchi
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think it’s fine if she doesn’t want to learn the language, but calling it ugly or wanting to get away from it is rude.

misaonobaka avatar
setsuriseikou
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I mean, right? It's definitely rude to call a language ugly, but I seriously fail to see what is wrong with not wanting to learn it when it's not obligatory. Of course, if they agreed that she'd eventually learn Dutch when they started dating (which doesn't seem to be the case), his reaction would probably be justified. But if she showed no intention to learn from the beginning, then sorry, OP, but you are not in the position to decide what she should or shouldn't do. To be honest, the OP sounds somewhat controlling to me.

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caseymcalister avatar
Casey McAlister
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I generally dislike people who call foreign languages "ugly", let alone the native language of your partner or a friend. I get it, learning languages is difficult for some people, but she 100% could express it in a less abrasive and insulting way. He didn't say anything really offensive to her, it makes sense - if you despise the country and its language so much, maybe you shouldn't be staying here?

garyfrench avatar
Solidhog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think it is just good manners and being a decent human being that you learn even the basics such as hello and thank you even when visiting a country.

tahadata avatar
Lara Verne
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Biggest problem here is girlfriend's attitude. Sure, people might struggle with learning new language, but at least learning few phrases cannot be that difficult. Especially since she lives in Netherlands for more than 5 years. Yet she make absolutely no effort, and even call Dutch language "ugly". That's just rude and disrectpectful. She sounds like very entitled person.

rb-cat333 avatar
Marble2
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If it is the way they do in Norway, they talk down to those of us who speak Norwegian with an accent, even when we spend a lot of money in a shop, or when we order services, they are poorly done. I would get better treatment in Norway if I spoke English, than Norwegian. I speak it quite well, having in mind I have been here 19 years. I understand the motivation. I tell people not to learn Norwegian if they do not plan on staying, else they will be treated like retards when speaking it. It might be the same in the Netherlands.... your self-esteem just goes down the drain, even if you have PhD and a lot of achievements...

ps101pcd avatar
PSimms
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why doesn't the writer learn her language? Does he never plan to visit her family or home in Italy? Why not set a positive example by first making the same effort he's demanding she makes?

lyricsoncomments avatar
whaaaaaaaaaa
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think it's crazy how people can be so easily manipulated just because the post is in the favor of the man in this case. We don't even know her perspective and it's crazy how people assume so many things. Thank you for your perspective, I HAVEN'T EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT THAT. And I'm sure these people haven't thought about it either. You're so right and I'm saying this before someone thinks it's any smart to tell you "ah but you know they're not in Italy".

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kicki avatar
Panda Kicki
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think this is much more then just a language issue. Delayed cultural chock, home sick, relations issues they havent spoken about...could be so many things contributing.

madmcqueen avatar
Mad McQueen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So after 5 Years she hasn't picked anything up. That's kinda weird. Like even to greet someone in a native language. Just hello or thank you is mostly anyone would appreciate. I enjoy picking up some phrases in languages. Can say hello in lots of them and in sign too. It's a greeting. Even aloha is two phrases in Hawaiian. I'd say you got to move on from this one.

snowfoxrox avatar
Whitefox
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I love learning new languages.. I know some french and german. If I were dating someone who spoke another language, you can bet I'd be learning it especially if I lived in their country. Calling it ugly tells me she thinks she better than, and that it really does bother you means that perhaps this isn't a relationship that's going to last. You shouldn't be bothered by the way your SO feels about who you are or where you come from.

lisahewes avatar
Lisa H
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She sounds like an entitled little brat to me. Just learn "hello", "goodbye", "please", "thank you" and "excuse me" at the absolute bare minimum. Any brain would be able to learn those in any language. It's called courtesy.

fparky77 avatar
Fiona Parky
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nothing like this situation but perhaps it will explain why I think it is so wrong! My Aunt married a Latvian, they lived over here and now their son has married a lovely lady he met when they were over there. The whole family learned a bit of Latvian so that we could join in and talk to her, at least a little, and so that when they got married we could join in enthusiastically with the Latvian hymns and chat with her family. My other cousin married a German and again, we all polished up our German (to be fair a few had learned German in school) so that her family feels welcome and we can all natter away happily. It’s just polite. I’d never visit anywhere without at least attempting to master a few phrases well enough that local people, while falling about laughing at my mangled accent, do at least get an idea of what I’m trying to say.

babycatg2002 avatar
Cat
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Unpopular opinion. Girl was Italian and spoke no Dutch when guy met her, and he chose to enter a relationship with her. Where she lives is her choice, and she may be missing out on a good opportunity to learn a foreign language, but dating her doesn't give him the right to demand what she has to do. What next? He's going to ask her what to wear and who she should be friends with? Find someone you want to be with, instead of trying to morph someone into what you want

censorshipsucks8 avatar
censorshipsucks
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

no it goes both ways. She voluntarily entered into a relationship with someone who doesn't speak italian.

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jb_16 avatar
JB
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Am a polyglot (speak several languages). I’ve never encountered an ugly language, they all have music within them. Once you understand the music, every language is beautiful.

giustizia avatar
Jus
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'd think about the potential children. Imagine having a child who speaks their father language, goes to school there etc. Would she ridicule the child? Tell them their language is ugly? What about the guy's family? I think she should make an effort. Plus she knows it's important to him. Is it love or not?

zgutrnrkqijpbykmpl avatar
ZGutr
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I''m dutch but not offended. It's her loss! I moved to Sweden myself and know it makes live a lot easier to learn the local language. It shows respect and appreciation for the country and culture yo CHOOSED to live. The natives appreciate the effort and become even more willing to help

mapaulie avatar
Pauline Tamere
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I knew it was dutch language before reading the whole thing. She gets a pass imo

jenngermain avatar
Jennifer Germain
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I deal with people like this in Healthcare, they always ask for a translator (these are $5 a minute here) or always inconvenience a family member to translate for them. In some instances they have put their children (minors) on the phone. I work in oncology, this is not a topic I should be speaking to a child about. If the spouse who always translates passes...

misaonobaka avatar
setsuriseikou
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But... she is definitely not like these people. She speaks English and doesn't need an interpreter, since everyone is speaking English.

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makajhabanjjjak avatar
Makajha Banjjjak
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well too be fair Dutch is a horrible language, same as Swiss German that I'm currently stuck with

paulojdleitao avatar
Paulo Leitao
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

she is entitled to her opinion. why is it considered rude to find another language ugly ? its her opinion on it. who cares? what is wrong though is her attitude towards it.

iwilltoldyousoqm avatar
Sanchez Vasile
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

i didn't expect anything else from a portuguese, since you are in the same camp.

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ed209sect31 avatar
Don't tread on me
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well it's his problem. And sounds like a deal breaker in this relationship. I'd break it off and move on . It just going to get worse.

alecstar23 avatar
Alec
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

On the one hand I am with OP here, and I agree that his girlfriend was pretty rude, on the other I have to say that there is one detail that may be worth mentioning here: in my experience the Dutch are among those people who would much rather have you speak English to them than have you butchering their language (which is something a beginner will inevitably do). There are countries where people will encourage you to give the language a chance. The Netherlands is NOT one of them.

bobbygoodson avatar
Bobby
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't think the comparison to "you're in America speak English" is very fair. There aren't multiple languages you can get by on here in most places, and most of the time that is said by a bigot to a tourist, not someone who has been living in the country 5 years

lorene-gaudin avatar
Lola G
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To be fair I also lived in the Netherlands and I never spoke one word of Dutch there, mostly because it IS ugly - sorry! I speak a little German, so I could understand the basics and whenever a local struggled with English I would mix a bit of English and German. But the main difference is that I knew I wouldn't be staying long term. Maybe she's not seeing herself living in the Netherlands forever either.

noeller avatar
Noelle R
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Literally just went to YouTube to listen to Dutch being spoken. I give his girlfriend a pass on this one. That language is crazy. Plus, Dutch people sound kind of sexy speaking English. P.S. Italian can sound ugly also, depending on the region, so his girlfriend shouldn’t be so condescending.

mrob avatar
M Rob
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

american here ( I am sorry)... She thinks english is a "pretty" language? As difficult as it would be, I would try to learn the language if for no other reason than to be polite. We have always agreed... if you go to a country that english is not the native language... try and learn a bit, it is good manners. ( I would hope they would take pity on me, I might slaughter your language... but at least I tried).

misaonobaka avatar
setsuriseikou
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You don't have to be! Or, let's be sorry together, since I' too am uncomfortable being Russian :( Thanks for your effort, it melts my heart when I hear a foreigner speaking (or trying to speak) my certainly-not-the-easiest language!

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zselyke_szekely avatar
UpupaEpops
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I will never understand people like OP's girlfriend... I mean the Dutch "G" is basically a crime against humanity, but you just DON'T call anyone's language ugly. Full stop. Different, difficult, hard to learn, sure. But ugly?! I ended friendships after having my language mocked, I definitely wouldn't put up with my partner acting like this. P.S.: I am currently trying to learn Afrikaans for work and yes, the letter "G" is killing me. I just can't seem to figure it out. T^T

tiswat avatar
Helen X
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hi Upupa, haha I totally understand your problem with the ‘G’. It sounds like a throat disease (I’m Dutch). But luckily we have two kinds of ‘G’s. The guttural G is spoken in the north of the country (roughly), the south of the country where I live has a mild G. Pronounced like a very soft, stretched, K. Makes it much more agreeable to listen to. Maybe you can use this in Afrikaans, too. I don’t know enough about Afrikaans if the soft G is being in use in that language. Why is it you’re learning that language, actually? Just curious. :-)

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censorshipsucks8 avatar
censorshipsucks
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

we have a national problem with this exact issue. Due to the power and privilege of english, it is taught in schools from grade 4 as the language of instruction. We are in africa. We have 11 official languages, but english rules the country. Imagine going to china and finding that they only teach in english after grade 4? it's weird.

mrob avatar
M Rob
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A little while ago we met a gentleman from Southern Africa ( not sure what country). He spoke beautiful english, and when he did say something in his native language, I realized how difficult it would be for me to learn his language. I have very much respect for him. ( the cultural difference bothered me a bit though Him = older man very conservative culture ( woman in her place sort) Me = an outspoken woman who is not bound by societal "rules" on gender roles)

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johanjiro avatar
Johan Barnhoorn
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My bf is from the Philippines and works here (in the Netherlands) in Healthcare. He needed to speak at least some basic dutch or else he couldn't work in Healthcare cause everything is in Dutch in the hospitals. A lot of eldery people don't speak English, even for my mom English is hard. So even though a lot of people speak English, there are still some people who don't here in the NL. My bf is here now for 6 months and speak B1, am very proud at him. He also wanted to learn the language as a respect to me, my family and the country. He can't wait to speak fluently so he can do small talk to people on the buss, the bakery etc. So yeah, the girlfriend is disrespectful and she is missing out. Btw I need to learn how to speak tagalog (filipino) too so I can communicate with my family in law.

lyricsoncomments avatar
whaaaaaaaaaa
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This whole thing is really weird. She's not an AH tho, I get the feeling, I also have languages that I don't like but that shouldn't stop a person from dating someone from a country where that language is spoken. Well, if I were her I'd try just the bare minimum to only know some words and be able to hold the simplest conversation just in case but honestly it's not that much of a big deal even if she doesn't, especially since most people there speak English. We should all chill a little maybe.

saihoekstra avatar
Sanne H.
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It IS a big deal. England stopped invading other countries and destroying the local culture, but the language still continues doing so to this day…. My point is: If you’re going to live somewhere, try to integrate. Learn the language, the culture, do some voluntairy work... If you don’t want to participate in society, please pack your things and go back to where you came from.

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thomasesthomas avatar
Thomas E S Thomas
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Here in the United States we have so much immigration from literally every other country on Earth that all our government forms are available in more than sixty languages. There are also several 100% free interpreter agencies. The US does not have an official language, though the majority speak English or Spanish.

max198326 avatar
Max M
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Usa was made entirely of immigrants. It would be odd if they only accepted 1 language. European countries have fought many wars, been beaten down, got up, beat back etc. In that heat of it all we all made different cultures, for different countries and areas. It is strange if someone comes and won't learn our language. Imo english are destroying the languages, but in the same time it helps broaden communications between countries. Taking american traditions is just for the money, since we already have 1 day a year we put on costumes but now there is halloween too.

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shelsea-beaulieu avatar
Sathe Wesker
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I lived in China for 2 and 1/2 years, picked up the language damn quick. However, my husband is Hungarian (speaks it but is mainly English) his parents, mostly mom, is hardcore Hungarian… damn, I thought Mandarin was hard to learn.

joop avatar
joop
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You have to admit that Dutch sounds like German. https://youtu.be/NcxvQI88JRY

sk_1988 avatar
JJ
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I (German) think it sounds a lot like a mix of German and English. If you speak both languages, Dutch is pretty easy to understand and learn, even if it has it's own specialties.

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Joyce Blodgett
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Another one where the adage "Don't believe everything you see, and only half what you hear" applies, it appears. In other words, it's the Internet, and as it says at the end of every "Bored Panda," "Anyone can write on Bored Panda!" Fact, fiction, in between....

blatherskitenoir avatar
blatherskitenoir
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's a pretty big ask to demand someone learn a language. That's an impossibility for most people. Even if they try, it will take years and monumental effort to wind up sort of fluent. She already knows a second language and there is no practical reason to learn the third one. This feels more like a "she won't take my last name so she isn't serious about us" issue. He is viewing her lack of interest in his home country, where she lives, as a sign she is not permanent wife material and is perhaps subconsciously nervous she thinks living there is temporary until she can return to Italy (either ending the relationship or forcing him to move with her). Since he's made no effort to learn Italian for her, and it's clear she doesn't need Dutch to have a happy, fulfilling life and career, he should drop this demand, or break up and find a Dutch girl.

wendyachterberg avatar
Wendy Achterberg
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am dutch, a lot of people speek englisch, a lot don't. I think you feel like attaked by her, of who you are, a dutch person. She loves you, but maybe not so much your dutch side. But that is who you are, that's never gonna go away. And learning no basic stuf. I don't know, what if you have kids maybe some day. It's going to cause a lot of problems at home and in school i think. Language wise.

abby-hill8605 avatar
Abigail Hill
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't like the sound of the Dutch language (no offense meant to any of you, just a matter of preference), but if I'd lived in an area that wasn't so close to Germany when I lived there, and it was offered at my school, I would've learned it. It is true you don't need it much there, but it's still helpful. I chose to learn German instead since we were in the Limburg province right near the border, it was offered at school, and fewer Germans spoke English. (I also attempted to learn Korean when I was in South Korea, but that didn't go as well.)

matthiasvanginneken avatar
Ueda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To be fair, Dutch is an ugly language. And I say this growing up hearing my dad speak it. I never liked the sound of it. Italian is the most beautiful language though.

batwench avatar
Batwench
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The language is beautiful and I could hear it being spoken all day.

victoriapegoraro avatar
Victoria
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This reminds me of someone from North American (Canada -- I'm Canadian or the US) going to a foreign country and demanding that the residents there speak English / Canadian / American (no, I would NEVER do this myself)

rchargel avatar
RafCo (he/him)
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is cultural elitism. I get it all the time as a Latin American. There's a general view that our cultures are less than. So it's often that people are dismissive about it. English speakers rarely make an effort to learn our languages when they move to Latin America. Or our history, or culture, etc. It doesn't matter, because it's below them. I think Italian is a beautiful language. I speak a little, and when i was in Rome, I spoke it more than i spoke English. I spent a few weeks in Cologne, and admittedly didn't learn much German, other than the polite phrases for shopping or to ask if someone spoke English. If i had been there for five years, i hope i would have made more effort. I've not been to Netherlands, except for weekend trip. This cultural elitism is obnoxious. She should make an attempt to learn Dutch, if only out of courtesy. She may fail, it's harder as you get older. But trying would be nice.

iamme_3 avatar
IamMe
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So, she will speak English, but says Dutch sounds ugly? English sounds a lot more like Dutch, than it sounds like Italian. So, kind of a lame excuse. I think this couple has bigger relationship issues, that aren't spoken of, here.

marcyvernon avatar
Me
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm American but am wondering. Isn't learning a language important to learning the idioms, the humor, attitudes, the culture, etc. A language contains so much more than words.

mailstevenrose avatar
Steven
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As someone who speaks neither Dutch nor Italian and who loves both countries, consider this: What she wants you to acknowledge is that Italian is a beautiful language! It is! Acknowlege it! Give a little!

stellalehggs avatar
StellaLehggs
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've heard Dutch and I think it's beautiful! Also, would not dream of going to another country without learning at least SOME basic phrases

linda_bart_1 avatar
Linda Williams
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Even if I go on holiday I learn the basic phrases of the countries' language I'm traveling to. Like saying hello and thank you and see you later. What's the effort?

ivyruonakoski avatar
Ivy la Sangrienta
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If she thinks Dutch sounds ugly then why did she move there in the first place. Weird take on her part.

astrid0663 avatar
Astrid Kranzbuhler
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a German born and bred who migrated to Australia many years ego - I barely spoke any more English than "Hello" and "Goodbye" at the time, and I did everything I could to learn as fast as I could. People not even trying their best to learn the language of their host country is actually a pet peeve of mine. It's disrespectful not only to the the people of the host country, but in this case also to you. Maybe it sounded harsh, but I would probably also have told her to go back to Italy if she doesn't want to adapt to her host country's language and culture and effectively not allow you to speak your mother language in your own country when you're with her. I'm definitely in the "it would be a deal breaker" camp.

tamara-kroonen-1 avatar
Tamara Kroonen
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They should mandate Dutch in the "inburgeringscursus". I thought it already was. You have to take an exam in the Dutch language to stay here. Ow wait, here comes the racism, you only have to do the "inburgering" if you are from outside of the EU. So endconclusion: they should mandate Dutch in the inburgeringscursus for everybody. Attitudes like hers is the reason a lot of our people vote Wilders.

tiswat avatar
Helen X
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yep. Unfortunately I know this, I worked with the IND and have seen some stuff.

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LongCoolWomanInABlackDress
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dutch isn't that difficult to learn.. apart from that, no matter where you live, no matter if you get by with another language, just learn your guest country's language ffs. My country has 4 official ones, I am fluent in 2 and get by with the other 2. In addition I speak english plus some spanish, dutch and portuguese to show my respect to people from countries I regularly deal with on a professional and private level. But I see lots of english speaking expats who refuse to communicate in any other language because 'we all speak it to some extent'.

racheladams avatar
R Adams
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I always try to learn a bit of the local language if i go abroad, i enjoy it. But, how does she watch tv? Does she only watch english spoken programmes or have subtitles on all the time??! Lol

mariannekraus avatar
Marianne
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm totally baffled at the people who say there is no need for her to learn the language. If you live somewhere, you always need to learn the language. If you expect everyone to cater to you, just because they speak English, that's extremely rude.

arianem_ avatar
Ariane M.
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I try to learn some words or phrases in other languages even to talk to my online friends! I think it shows love and respect.

chriscmyuen avatar
Chris Yuen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If she doesnt want to learn dutch then that ignorant or it means that she doesnt wan to stay there for a long time. FYI all government communication and income tax filing etc are in dutch in Netherlands

francesm avatar
Frances M
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes she’s the a##e but I think this needs to come down to where the couple see each other in the future…. If kids will ever be in the picture then they’ll need to learn dutch in school (if they stay in the Netherlands). If they get married will the ceremony be in Dutch? Family parties?… A three year relationship is long enough to start thinking about very long term…

htodaizzle avatar
h to da izzle
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Run fast run far, when she finds your language ugly and does Not want to hear it on holiday, shes not interested in your culture. Shame on her

pernillewinkel avatar
Pernille.
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She is a twat. Of course you have to learn the main language of the country you live in, and unless it is your native language you cannot call a language ugly to someone who has spoken it all their life. Now, Danish is ugly, and personally I don't mind when people say it, but if I loved it I would have never spoken to that person again.

iwilltoldyousoqm avatar
Sanchez Vasile
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

it's clear on which side the website is, though, since it used reversed photos to illustrate this - a blonde beautiful dutch-looking girl and a non-descript amorphous italian-looking guy, when in reality it's the opposite. american website run by baltics, so what did you expect?

vera-c-vanandel avatar
Vera1
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You do realise that not every Dutch person is blonde with blue eyes, right? And also that not every person with blonde hair and blue eyes is Dutch, right?

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petemccann avatar
DrBronxx
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sounds to me like the OP is feeling more disrespect towards his country/culture, rather than simply being annoyed that she doesn't want to learn the language. Insulting the language on top of that is just, well, insulting. We all make efforts for our partners, and it sounds like she isn't doing that (well, on this front, anyway. She could be making lots of effort on other fronts).

katiejohnson_1 avatar
Groundcontroltomajortom
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She seems like she's coming off a bit arrogant to me? Like she's too good to speak their language which is incredibly rude. Calling a language ugly is just downright disrespectful.

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jansje50 avatar
Marco Valkenberg
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think it's very rude. I also live in The Netherlands in Amsterdam. And yes we all speak English and switch to English very fast if we hear someone does not speak Dutch. It has come to the point that even the employees in stores don't speak Dutch (because everyone speaks English). I think it's very bad. Not all Dutch people speak fluent English. So they struggle to get some service. If you live here please learn our beautiful language. And The Dutch have to be a bit more helpful and speak more Dutch to help expats to be able to practice more :)

saihoekstra avatar
Sanne H.
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I used to be that Dutch person who switches to English, but a few years ago I stopped being that cooperative. My mother tongue is beautiful and rich of words in its own way, and I expect waiters and shopkeepers in The Netherlands to manage at least the basics of it if I visit their place. Plus if we speak English to them all the time, they will never learn and integrate well.

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Bi-Polar Express
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How do you manage to live somewhere for 5 years and not pick up any of the language?

petemccann avatar
DrBronxx
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You'd be surprised. I've been in Japan for more than 10 years. My wife speaks almost perfect English, and her family all speak English to some degree as well. My job is entirely in English, and use of Japanese is discouraged most of the time. I had to go out of my way to learn Japanese, and it's really not as good as it should be.

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Edgar
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you live in a country, that's the minimum to learn the language, the history, the customs, the culture. Show some respect to your hosts. If you move somewhere, be prepared to do that. Otherwise, have some wisdom to question yourself on the reason you're there.

tompacza avatar
tom
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

well, a young lady from Tasmania (Australia) married the prince of Denmark and she learned Danish. Speaks it like a champion. Alternatively you could go to neutral ground and both learn Arabic

1980munchkin avatar
Kura
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm Dutch and have been living in Italy for the past 14 years and I speak seven languages. The problem with the gf is pride. Most Italians are extremely proud of their country and everything Italian. Their food and their drinks need to be Italian or otherwise it's not good enough. Only their teams are the best football players. Their women are the most gorgeous. Their language the most beautiful. This way of thinking is ingrained in their culture and is most difficult to change. If you truly love someone, you would do anything to keep them happy, especially if it's considered important to them. This girl, however, doesn't want to do or learn the bare minimum even if it once could save her life. If she is unwilling to be open and adapt to her environment, then I fear these two will not have a future..

leodomitrix avatar
Leo Domitrix
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

FFS, I learn enough language to hold a simple conversation if I'm just a *tourist* for a month. Learn the language out of simple courtesy! (And self-preservation).

lauraisabel avatar
Laura Isabel
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I find the Dutch language and all things about them to be absolutely fascinating! I follow a few Dutch Artists on YT and love their pronunciations of certain letters and words so interesting! I'm Latina and if I moved to a different country to be with my loved one, I'd immerse myself in his culture, language and all sorts of other things. I'd also help my partner do the same if he were to move to 🇵🇷 to be with me. NTA...

livlisbon84 avatar
Olivia Lisbon
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I teach Dutch to immigrants, mostly asylum seekers. Most of them are very eager to learn, but there’s two major issues: people will indeed switch to English as soon as they even think you’re foreign (this happens to me constantly since I don’t look very Dutch), and a lot of my students have virtually no contact with Dutch people during the week. They stick to friends and family they know from their home country, so their whole practice is 2 hours a week with me. And that’s a slow, slow process. It very much depends on how much they want to put in the practice - one of my students just passed an exam to be able to study medicine (she was a med student in Syria too) and I am just so proud of her, she works so hard and the difference is she got a part time job at a chemist to practice - much more exposure. That’s the one thing that’ll make the difference.

moyamcbride avatar
MoMcB
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

While not in the Netherlands, I lived in Germany for a while. I tried to learn German, but as soon as I went in to a shop or restaurant, the staff switched over to English. Didn't help practice for me, but many wanted to practice English too.

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talovich avatar
Yugan Talovich
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If she lives in the Netherlands, it would be polite to learn at least some basic phrases, especially since her boyfriend is Dutch. She can still speak English or Italian or whatever she pleases with him, but she should at least learn a few phrases.

julielovern avatar
Bhadrika Love
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is hard to learn a language when so many there speak English that there's no pressure and little opportunity to practice (my daughter lives there, and that's slowing her down in learning Dutch). BUT - if she learned English, it's ridiculous to say Dutch is "too hard," she could easily practice with the OP, and calling it ugly is just plain rude.

writerdahling avatar
Dori
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is what I was thinking also. And if she can learn English, it's not impossible for her to learn toher languages. I know someone who's not neurotypical and has extreme difficulty learning other languages. This siitation is not like my friend's.

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zedrapazia avatar
Zedrapazia
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My boyfriend doesn't speak German and has huge issues learning it so it doesn't bother me because he comes along with English well. However, he did try at least and has never been disrespectful towards my culture (and I'm not good at speaking Spanish either), so we're even. I feel like there's more issues in this Dutch Italian relationship than just the refusal to learn his language.

rearobinson avatar
LittleWombat
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My parents were married 53 years, until death parted them. My mom came to the US from Yugoslavia speaking barely any English but she learned it. When she and my dad married, he couldn't learn her difficult language fully (they were in their early 30s by then), but he made sure to know as much as he could, he traveled to her home in Croatia, spoke as much Croatian as he could to her father, made sure we knew her heritage - THAT is how you treat a partner you respect and love. You embrace the things about them that make them who they are. Had they quarreled over who's language or land is better, they wouldn't have been together because that resentment only grows over time.

rhodaguirreparras avatar
manuelamartins avatar
Manuela Martins
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hmmmm..... I don't think it's about the language but rather about the fact that an insecurity manifests itself in him through this language story. The fact that the girlfriend refuses to learn the language of the country she lives in, "his" language, perhaps triggers an irrational fear in him that she might not take the relationship as seriously as he does. But to openly call one's native language "ugly" shows a lack of tact.

vs222ak avatar
Ladytron
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Maybe they should talk about the future? Does she plan on staying there? I mean, if she doesn't plan to stay there it makes sense not to bother... seems more of the issue. That being said, 5 years is a fairly long time to not learn even a few words and expressions...

lisahewes avatar
Lisa H
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If I didn't know any better, I'd say she's gone out of her way to not learn the language.

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sanchishiva avatar
Sanchi
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think it’s fine if she doesn’t want to learn the language, but calling it ugly or wanting to get away from it is rude.

misaonobaka avatar
setsuriseikou
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I mean, right? It's definitely rude to call a language ugly, but I seriously fail to see what is wrong with not wanting to learn it when it's not obligatory. Of course, if they agreed that she'd eventually learn Dutch when they started dating (which doesn't seem to be the case), his reaction would probably be justified. But if she showed no intention to learn from the beginning, then sorry, OP, but you are not in the position to decide what she should or shouldn't do. To be honest, the OP sounds somewhat controlling to me.

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Casey McAlister
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I generally dislike people who call foreign languages "ugly", let alone the native language of your partner or a friend. I get it, learning languages is difficult for some people, but she 100% could express it in a less abrasive and insulting way. He didn't say anything really offensive to her, it makes sense - if you despise the country and its language so much, maybe you shouldn't be staying here?

garyfrench avatar
Solidhog
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think it is just good manners and being a decent human being that you learn even the basics such as hello and thank you even when visiting a country.

tahadata avatar
Lara Verne
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Biggest problem here is girlfriend's attitude. Sure, people might struggle with learning new language, but at least learning few phrases cannot be that difficult. Especially since she lives in Netherlands for more than 5 years. Yet she make absolutely no effort, and even call Dutch language "ugly". That's just rude and disrectpectful. She sounds like very entitled person.

rb-cat333 avatar
Marble2
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If it is the way they do in Norway, they talk down to those of us who speak Norwegian with an accent, even when we spend a lot of money in a shop, or when we order services, they are poorly done. I would get better treatment in Norway if I spoke English, than Norwegian. I speak it quite well, having in mind I have been here 19 years. I understand the motivation. I tell people not to learn Norwegian if they do not plan on staying, else they will be treated like retards when speaking it. It might be the same in the Netherlands.... your self-esteem just goes down the drain, even if you have PhD and a lot of achievements...

ps101pcd avatar
PSimms
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why doesn't the writer learn her language? Does he never plan to visit her family or home in Italy? Why not set a positive example by first making the same effort he's demanding she makes?

lyricsoncomments avatar
whaaaaaaaaaa
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think it's crazy how people can be so easily manipulated just because the post is in the favor of the man in this case. We don't even know her perspective and it's crazy how people assume so many things. Thank you for your perspective, I HAVEN'T EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT THAT. And I'm sure these people haven't thought about it either. You're so right and I'm saying this before someone thinks it's any smart to tell you "ah but you know they're not in Italy".

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kicki avatar
Panda Kicki
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think this is much more then just a language issue. Delayed cultural chock, home sick, relations issues they havent spoken about...could be so many things contributing.

madmcqueen avatar
Mad McQueen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So after 5 Years she hasn't picked anything up. That's kinda weird. Like even to greet someone in a native language. Just hello or thank you is mostly anyone would appreciate. I enjoy picking up some phrases in languages. Can say hello in lots of them and in sign too. It's a greeting. Even aloha is two phrases in Hawaiian. I'd say you got to move on from this one.

snowfoxrox avatar
Whitefox
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I love learning new languages.. I know some french and german. If I were dating someone who spoke another language, you can bet I'd be learning it especially if I lived in their country. Calling it ugly tells me she thinks she better than, and that it really does bother you means that perhaps this isn't a relationship that's going to last. You shouldn't be bothered by the way your SO feels about who you are or where you come from.

lisahewes avatar
Lisa H
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She sounds like an entitled little brat to me. Just learn "hello", "goodbye", "please", "thank you" and "excuse me" at the absolute bare minimum. Any brain would be able to learn those in any language. It's called courtesy.

fparky77 avatar
Fiona Parky
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nothing like this situation but perhaps it will explain why I think it is so wrong! My Aunt married a Latvian, they lived over here and now their son has married a lovely lady he met when they were over there. The whole family learned a bit of Latvian so that we could join in and talk to her, at least a little, and so that when they got married we could join in enthusiastically with the Latvian hymns and chat with her family. My other cousin married a German and again, we all polished up our German (to be fair a few had learned German in school) so that her family feels welcome and we can all natter away happily. It’s just polite. I’d never visit anywhere without at least attempting to master a few phrases well enough that local people, while falling about laughing at my mangled accent, do at least get an idea of what I’m trying to say.

babycatg2002 avatar
Cat
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Unpopular opinion. Girl was Italian and spoke no Dutch when guy met her, and he chose to enter a relationship with her. Where she lives is her choice, and she may be missing out on a good opportunity to learn a foreign language, but dating her doesn't give him the right to demand what she has to do. What next? He's going to ask her what to wear and who she should be friends with? Find someone you want to be with, instead of trying to morph someone into what you want

censorshipsucks8 avatar
censorshipsucks
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

no it goes both ways. She voluntarily entered into a relationship with someone who doesn't speak italian.

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jb_16 avatar
JB
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Am a polyglot (speak several languages). I’ve never encountered an ugly language, they all have music within them. Once you understand the music, every language is beautiful.

giustizia avatar
Jus
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'd think about the potential children. Imagine having a child who speaks their father language, goes to school there etc. Would she ridicule the child? Tell them their language is ugly? What about the guy's family? I think she should make an effort. Plus she knows it's important to him. Is it love or not?

zgutrnrkqijpbykmpl avatar
ZGutr
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I''m dutch but not offended. It's her loss! I moved to Sweden myself and know it makes live a lot easier to learn the local language. It shows respect and appreciation for the country and culture yo CHOOSED to live. The natives appreciate the effort and become even more willing to help

mapaulie avatar
Pauline Tamere
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I knew it was dutch language before reading the whole thing. She gets a pass imo

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Jennifer Germain
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I deal with people like this in Healthcare, they always ask for a translator (these are $5 a minute here) or always inconvenience a family member to translate for them. In some instances they have put their children (minors) on the phone. I work in oncology, this is not a topic I should be speaking to a child about. If the spouse who always translates passes...

misaonobaka avatar
setsuriseikou
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But... she is definitely not like these people. She speaks English and doesn't need an interpreter, since everyone is speaking English.

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Makajha Banjjjak
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well too be fair Dutch is a horrible language, same as Swiss German that I'm currently stuck with

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Paulo Leitao
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

she is entitled to her opinion. why is it considered rude to find another language ugly ? its her opinion on it. who cares? what is wrong though is her attitude towards it.

iwilltoldyousoqm avatar
Sanchez Vasile
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

i didn't expect anything else from a portuguese, since you are in the same camp.

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Don't tread on me
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well it's his problem. And sounds like a deal breaker in this relationship. I'd break it off and move on . It just going to get worse.

alecstar23 avatar
Alec
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

On the one hand I am with OP here, and I agree that his girlfriend was pretty rude, on the other I have to say that there is one detail that may be worth mentioning here: in my experience the Dutch are among those people who would much rather have you speak English to them than have you butchering their language (which is something a beginner will inevitably do). There are countries where people will encourage you to give the language a chance. The Netherlands is NOT one of them.

bobbygoodson avatar
Bobby
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't think the comparison to "you're in America speak English" is very fair. There aren't multiple languages you can get by on here in most places, and most of the time that is said by a bigot to a tourist, not someone who has been living in the country 5 years

lorene-gaudin avatar
Lola G
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To be fair I also lived in the Netherlands and I never spoke one word of Dutch there, mostly because it IS ugly - sorry! I speak a little German, so I could understand the basics and whenever a local struggled with English I would mix a bit of English and German. But the main difference is that I knew I wouldn't be staying long term. Maybe she's not seeing herself living in the Netherlands forever either.

noeller avatar
Noelle R
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Literally just went to YouTube to listen to Dutch being spoken. I give his girlfriend a pass on this one. That language is crazy. Plus, Dutch people sound kind of sexy speaking English. P.S. Italian can sound ugly also, depending on the region, so his girlfriend shouldn’t be so condescending.

mrob avatar
M Rob
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

american here ( I am sorry)... She thinks english is a "pretty" language? As difficult as it would be, I would try to learn the language if for no other reason than to be polite. We have always agreed... if you go to a country that english is not the native language... try and learn a bit, it is good manners. ( I would hope they would take pity on me, I might slaughter your language... but at least I tried).

misaonobaka avatar
setsuriseikou
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You don't have to be! Or, let's be sorry together, since I' too am uncomfortable being Russian :( Thanks for your effort, it melts my heart when I hear a foreigner speaking (or trying to speak) my certainly-not-the-easiest language!

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UpupaEpops
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I will never understand people like OP's girlfriend... I mean the Dutch "G" is basically a crime against humanity, but you just DON'T call anyone's language ugly. Full stop. Different, difficult, hard to learn, sure. But ugly?! I ended friendships after having my language mocked, I definitely wouldn't put up with my partner acting like this. P.S.: I am currently trying to learn Afrikaans for work and yes, the letter "G" is killing me. I just can't seem to figure it out. T^T

tiswat avatar
Helen X
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hi Upupa, haha I totally understand your problem with the ‘G’. It sounds like a throat disease (I’m Dutch). But luckily we have two kinds of ‘G’s. The guttural G is spoken in the north of the country (roughly), the south of the country where I live has a mild G. Pronounced like a very soft, stretched, K. Makes it much more agreeable to listen to. Maybe you can use this in Afrikaans, too. I don’t know enough about Afrikaans if the soft G is being in use in that language. Why is it you’re learning that language, actually? Just curious. :-)

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censorshipsucks
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

we have a national problem with this exact issue. Due to the power and privilege of english, it is taught in schools from grade 4 as the language of instruction. We are in africa. We have 11 official languages, but english rules the country. Imagine going to china and finding that they only teach in english after grade 4? it's weird.

mrob avatar
M Rob
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A little while ago we met a gentleman from Southern Africa ( not sure what country). He spoke beautiful english, and when he did say something in his native language, I realized how difficult it would be for me to learn his language. I have very much respect for him. ( the cultural difference bothered me a bit though Him = older man very conservative culture ( woman in her place sort) Me = an outspoken woman who is not bound by societal "rules" on gender roles)

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Johan Barnhoorn
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My bf is from the Philippines and works here (in the Netherlands) in Healthcare. He needed to speak at least some basic dutch or else he couldn't work in Healthcare cause everything is in Dutch in the hospitals. A lot of eldery people don't speak English, even for my mom English is hard. So even though a lot of people speak English, there are still some people who don't here in the NL. My bf is here now for 6 months and speak B1, am very proud at him. He also wanted to learn the language as a respect to me, my family and the country. He can't wait to speak fluently so he can do small talk to people on the buss, the bakery etc. So yeah, the girlfriend is disrespectful and she is missing out. Btw I need to learn how to speak tagalog (filipino) too so I can communicate with my family in law.

lyricsoncomments avatar
whaaaaaaaaaa
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This whole thing is really weird. She's not an AH tho, I get the feeling, I also have languages that I don't like but that shouldn't stop a person from dating someone from a country where that language is spoken. Well, if I were her I'd try just the bare minimum to only know some words and be able to hold the simplest conversation just in case but honestly it's not that much of a big deal even if she doesn't, especially since most people there speak English. We should all chill a little maybe.

saihoekstra avatar
Sanne H.
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It IS a big deal. England stopped invading other countries and destroying the local culture, but the language still continues doing so to this day…. My point is: If you’re going to live somewhere, try to integrate. Learn the language, the culture, do some voluntairy work... If you don’t want to participate in society, please pack your things and go back to where you came from.

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Thomas E S Thomas
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Here in the United States we have so much immigration from literally every other country on Earth that all our government forms are available in more than sixty languages. There are also several 100% free interpreter agencies. The US does not have an official language, though the majority speak English or Spanish.

max198326 avatar
Max M
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Usa was made entirely of immigrants. It would be odd if they only accepted 1 language. European countries have fought many wars, been beaten down, got up, beat back etc. In that heat of it all we all made different cultures, for different countries and areas. It is strange if someone comes and won't learn our language. Imo english are destroying the languages, but in the same time it helps broaden communications between countries. Taking american traditions is just for the money, since we already have 1 day a year we put on costumes but now there is halloween too.

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Sathe Wesker
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I lived in China for 2 and 1/2 years, picked up the language damn quick. However, my husband is Hungarian (speaks it but is mainly English) his parents, mostly mom, is hardcore Hungarian… damn, I thought Mandarin was hard to learn.

joop avatar
joop
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You have to admit that Dutch sounds like German. https://youtu.be/NcxvQI88JRY

sk_1988 avatar
JJ
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I (German) think it sounds a lot like a mix of German and English. If you speak both languages, Dutch is pretty easy to understand and learn, even if it has it's own specialties.

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Joyce Blodgett
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Another one where the adage "Don't believe everything you see, and only half what you hear" applies, it appears. In other words, it's the Internet, and as it says at the end of every "Bored Panda," "Anyone can write on Bored Panda!" Fact, fiction, in between....

blatherskitenoir avatar
blatherskitenoir
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's a pretty big ask to demand someone learn a language. That's an impossibility for most people. Even if they try, it will take years and monumental effort to wind up sort of fluent. She already knows a second language and there is no practical reason to learn the third one. This feels more like a "she won't take my last name so she isn't serious about us" issue. He is viewing her lack of interest in his home country, where she lives, as a sign she is not permanent wife material and is perhaps subconsciously nervous she thinks living there is temporary until she can return to Italy (either ending the relationship or forcing him to move with her). Since he's made no effort to learn Italian for her, and it's clear she doesn't need Dutch to have a happy, fulfilling life and career, he should drop this demand, or break up and find a Dutch girl.

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Wendy Achterberg
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am dutch, a lot of people speek englisch, a lot don't. I think you feel like attaked by her, of who you are, a dutch person. She loves you, but maybe not so much your dutch side. But that is who you are, that's never gonna go away. And learning no basic stuf. I don't know, what if you have kids maybe some day. It's going to cause a lot of problems at home and in school i think. Language wise.

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Abigail Hill
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't like the sound of the Dutch language (no offense meant to any of you, just a matter of preference), but if I'd lived in an area that wasn't so close to Germany when I lived there, and it was offered at my school, I would've learned it. It is true you don't need it much there, but it's still helpful. I chose to learn German instead since we were in the Limburg province right near the border, it was offered at school, and fewer Germans spoke English. (I also attempted to learn Korean when I was in South Korea, but that didn't go as well.)

matthiasvanginneken avatar
Ueda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To be fair, Dutch is an ugly language. And I say this growing up hearing my dad speak it. I never liked the sound of it. Italian is the most beautiful language though.

batwench avatar
Batwench
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The language is beautiful and I could hear it being spoken all day.

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Victoria
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This reminds me of someone from North American (Canada -- I'm Canadian or the US) going to a foreign country and demanding that the residents there speak English / Canadian / American (no, I would NEVER do this myself)

rchargel avatar
RafCo (he/him)
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is cultural elitism. I get it all the time as a Latin American. There's a general view that our cultures are less than. So it's often that people are dismissive about it. English speakers rarely make an effort to learn our languages when they move to Latin America. Or our history, or culture, etc. It doesn't matter, because it's below them. I think Italian is a beautiful language. I speak a little, and when i was in Rome, I spoke it more than i spoke English. I spent a few weeks in Cologne, and admittedly didn't learn much German, other than the polite phrases for shopping or to ask if someone spoke English. If i had been there for five years, i hope i would have made more effort. I've not been to Netherlands, except for weekend trip. This cultural elitism is obnoxious. She should make an attempt to learn Dutch, if only out of courtesy. She may fail, it's harder as you get older. But trying would be nice.

iamme_3 avatar
IamMe
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So, she will speak English, but says Dutch sounds ugly? English sounds a lot more like Dutch, than it sounds like Italian. So, kind of a lame excuse. I think this couple has bigger relationship issues, that aren't spoken of, here.

marcyvernon avatar
Me
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm American but am wondering. Isn't learning a language important to learning the idioms, the humor, attitudes, the culture, etc. A language contains so much more than words.

mailstevenrose avatar
Steven
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As someone who speaks neither Dutch nor Italian and who loves both countries, consider this: What she wants you to acknowledge is that Italian is a beautiful language! It is! Acknowlege it! Give a little!

stellalehggs avatar
StellaLehggs
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've heard Dutch and I think it's beautiful! Also, would not dream of going to another country without learning at least SOME basic phrases

linda_bart_1 avatar
Linda Williams
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Even if I go on holiday I learn the basic phrases of the countries' language I'm traveling to. Like saying hello and thank you and see you later. What's the effort?

ivyruonakoski avatar
Ivy la Sangrienta
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If she thinks Dutch sounds ugly then why did she move there in the first place. Weird take on her part.

astrid0663 avatar
Astrid Kranzbuhler
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a German born and bred who migrated to Australia many years ego - I barely spoke any more English than "Hello" and "Goodbye" at the time, and I did everything I could to learn as fast as I could. People not even trying their best to learn the language of their host country is actually a pet peeve of mine. It's disrespectful not only to the the people of the host country, but in this case also to you. Maybe it sounded harsh, but I would probably also have told her to go back to Italy if she doesn't want to adapt to her host country's language and culture and effectively not allow you to speak your mother language in your own country when you're with her. I'm definitely in the "it would be a deal breaker" camp.

tamara-kroonen-1 avatar
Tamara Kroonen
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They should mandate Dutch in the "inburgeringscursus". I thought it already was. You have to take an exam in the Dutch language to stay here. Ow wait, here comes the racism, you only have to do the "inburgering" if you are from outside of the EU. So endconclusion: they should mandate Dutch in the inburgeringscursus for everybody. Attitudes like hers is the reason a lot of our people vote Wilders.

tiswat avatar
Helen X
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yep. Unfortunately I know this, I worked with the IND and have seen some stuff.

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LongCoolWomanInABlackDress
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dutch isn't that difficult to learn.. apart from that, no matter where you live, no matter if you get by with another language, just learn your guest country's language ffs. My country has 4 official ones, I am fluent in 2 and get by with the other 2. In addition I speak english plus some spanish, dutch and portuguese to show my respect to people from countries I regularly deal with on a professional and private level. But I see lots of english speaking expats who refuse to communicate in any other language because 'we all speak it to some extent'.

racheladams avatar
R Adams
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I always try to learn a bit of the local language if i go abroad, i enjoy it. But, how does she watch tv? Does she only watch english spoken programmes or have subtitles on all the time??! Lol

mariannekraus avatar
Marianne
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm totally baffled at the people who say there is no need for her to learn the language. If you live somewhere, you always need to learn the language. If you expect everyone to cater to you, just because they speak English, that's extremely rude.

arianem_ avatar
Ariane M.
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I try to learn some words or phrases in other languages even to talk to my online friends! I think it shows love and respect.

chriscmyuen avatar
Chris Yuen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If she doesnt want to learn dutch then that ignorant or it means that she doesnt wan to stay there for a long time. FYI all government communication and income tax filing etc are in dutch in Netherlands

francesm avatar
Frances M
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes she’s the a##e but I think this needs to come down to where the couple see each other in the future…. If kids will ever be in the picture then they’ll need to learn dutch in school (if they stay in the Netherlands). If they get married will the ceremony be in Dutch? Family parties?… A three year relationship is long enough to start thinking about very long term…

htodaizzle avatar
h to da izzle
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Run fast run far, when she finds your language ugly and does Not want to hear it on holiday, shes not interested in your culture. Shame on her

pernillewinkel avatar
Pernille.
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She is a twat. Of course you have to learn the main language of the country you live in, and unless it is your native language you cannot call a language ugly to someone who has spoken it all their life. Now, Danish is ugly, and personally I don't mind when people say it, but if I loved it I would have never spoken to that person again.

iwilltoldyousoqm avatar
Sanchez Vasile
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

it's clear on which side the website is, though, since it used reversed photos to illustrate this - a blonde beautiful dutch-looking girl and a non-descript amorphous italian-looking guy, when in reality it's the opposite. american website run by baltics, so what did you expect?

vera-c-vanandel avatar
Vera1
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You do realise that not every Dutch person is blonde with blue eyes, right? And also that not every person with blonde hair and blue eyes is Dutch, right?

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