Guy Wonders If He Was Too Harsh After Demanding His Girlfriend Change Her Dress For A Colleague’s Wedding
Interview With Author
You shouldn’t wear a white dress to a wedding unless you’re the bride. Or unless you’ve got the express permission of the happy couple. It sounds fair, doesn’t it, dear Pandas? No matter what you might think about the hidden symbolism of the color white, at the end of the day, there’s certain wedding etiquette that needs to be upheld. It’s the bride’s day to shine and the guests shouldn’t be hogging the spotlight.
However, some people take issue with the fact that they’re told what not to wear. And that can lead to a huge argument. That’s exactly what happened to one redditor, who had asked his girlfriend of a year to go to his colleague’s wedding. Unfortunately, she chose an off-white, ornate dress to wear.
The redditor then politely asked her to consider wearing something else, but this led to a massive fight. Scroll down to read the viral Reddit post, as shared on the AITA subreddit. The story also took an unexpected twist after the girlfriend actually read the post online.
Bored Panda got in touch with the author of the story and they were happy to answer our questions. However, due to how sensitive the entire situation is, he asked us to keep his username anonymous. Scroll down for our full interview with him.
Meanwhile, Anna and Sarah from The Wedding Society were kind enough to answer Bored Panda’s questions about wearing white to weddings. “The very basic general etiquette of outfit colors at a wedding is ‘no white dresses.’ Full stop. End of story. Even if the wedding party isn’t wearing white, unless it is specifically requested of you—just don’t do it. There are so many incredible choices for wedding guest attire—it doesn’t make sense to go with the one thing that is deemed inappropriate,” they explained to us.
Most people know that only the bride should wear white at her wedding, unless she gives you express permission
Image credits: Gabriel Crismariu (not the actual photo)
One redditor shared how his then-girlfriend reacted when he gently suggested that she shouldn’t wear a white dress to his colleague’s wedding
The argument got way out of hand
At the end of the day, the redditor’s gut instinct was proven to be totally right
The author of the post told Bored Panda that they didn’t expect the story to blow up as it did online. “I was expecting just a few comments, but it seemed to be a topic that drew a lot of debate, both in terms of wedding apparel and abusive situations,” he shared that he was taken completely by surprise by how viral the post went.
The redditor opened up about how he felt about what happened with his (now ex) girlfriend. “I feel that it was probably a good thing that it ended,” he shared with us. “But of course I wish that I had been able to remain completely stoic and not become emotionally riled up by a hurtful comment, but I think that is something everyone can relate to wishing in terms of an argument.” We’ve all been there. There are always some things that we regret after an argument.
According to the redditor, honesty is vital in any romantic relationship. As is the ability to talk to your partner if you experience a problem. “That way, you don’t let it grow and become infected,” he told Bored Panda.
“If someone hurts you deeply and you feel a need to lash out, I would say that you should attempt to take yourself away from the situation to collect yourself and calm down. Setting up boundaries for what you allow someone to say or do—and then enforcing those boundaries are really important.”
Anna and Sarah from The Wedding Society noted that wedding guests ought to be informed of the dress code well in advance of the happy day. “If you haven’t been told what the guide for what to wear is, it never hurts to ask—it will never go unappreciated by the marrying couple. If you don’t have the time to check and you’re not quite sure, here’s a great rule of thumb to go by in ANY outfit situation… dress like you’re going somewhere better afterwards.”
Anna said: “I promise, that way, you’ll always hit the mark.”
The redditor’s post got over 23k upvotes (and counting!) in the span of a single day. The members of the AITA subreddit were nearly unanimous in their verdict, he was definitely not a jerk for having asked his then-girlfriend to wear something else.
However, in the woman’s eyes, she was being controlled and ‘abused’ by her boyfriend because he expressed his opinion. That’s not really the type of response you want to see the first time you get into a real argument with your partner, is it?
The redditor’s hunch about not wearing white was right: his girlfriend would have stuck out like a sore thumb at the wedding. The bride was the only one in white.
After he published the post on the AITA subreddit, his girlfriend actually read it. She ended up apologizing for her behavior, however… it was too little, too late. The redditor realized that they were incompatible. If this was how she reacted to a slight disagreement, imagine what would happen when there was something serious to argue about.
In the end, the author of the post shared with the AITA community that he told her that they should go their separate ways. Her reaction to his comments about her dress was a major red flag. One that wouldn’t go away no matter how much someone apologizes.
Here’s how some people reacted to the entire drama over the dress
Certified relationship coach Alex Scot told Bored Panda about the so-called “post-argument hangover.” She told us earlier that every couple needs to learn how to navigate it.
“I recommend physical touch in the form of a hug or a 6-second kiss, the reason for this is co-regulation,” she gave some advice on how to make up after a big fight.
“[Co-regulation is] how we self soothe as infants; a baby cries and a caregiver comes to cuddle and soothe the baby. As adults, co-regulation is very powerful and something we can use to our advantage,” she explained.
“So even though you may not feel like hugging or kissing your partner post-argument, as soon as you can bring yourself to do so, go for it. Your nervous system will thank you as it regulates with your partner’s nervous system by sensing their heart rate and breathing.”
Meanwhile, in another interview, relationship expert Alex explained to Bored Panda that boundaries are necessary in every relationship that you have, whether they’re romantic or not. However, the closer the person is to you, the more flexible those boundaries have to be.
“Without them [boundaries], we live our lives at the expense of ourselves. The mindset for many when it comes to setting boundaries is that they feel selfish, or that they aren’t being a good partner when they implement them, so they avoid doing it altogether,” she said.
“Boundaries are there for us to be able to take care of and to protect ourselves so that we can show up and operate within our lives as successfully as possible.”
The boyfriend later had an update for the AITA community after his girlfriend saw and read his Reddit post
287Kviews
Share on Facebook
NTA Most know this rule of not wearing white at a wedding and if you don't know this rule and someone tells you (nicely) you should be a good sport and wear something else. Women using the "abuse" card when it was NOT abuse is totally wrong btw.
Ten upvotes. In my mom's family specifically, we *never* wear dark colors to a wedding, if female. Anything else, fine, even off-white, but my great-grandma was certain dark colors brought bad luck to a marriage, so here we all are! Is it abuse to tell my hubby, "No, babe, for my cousin's wedding, go with the blue shirt and a bright tie"? It's a ... well, courtesy thing, really.
Load More Replies...
The guy was right and it's a good thing that he immediately understood that she was not the right woman for him. He really dodged a ballistic missile.
I think he's in the right for ending the relationship. She resorted to a comment about his d**k when she found out he was ending it. She clearly has a lot of growing up to do. But am I the only one who thinks that perhaps she wore that dress as a HUGE clue to the boyfriend about her intentions? She dressed like a bride (not THE bride) so he would see how stunning she looks in a wedding dress and possibly could picture himself marrying her? She clearly took ages over it and that would indicate why she was so upset about being asked to change. Her plans backfired big time. But all in all it was probably for the best.
Yes it sounded like that to me too. I want to marry now! Ask me!
Load More Replies...
Most weddings and funerals have an attention seeking crazy person. You just discovered your gf is that person. You’ve been dating for a year and that’s about the time the real person comes out when the extreme sex hormones start to wear off. You dodged a bullet.
The BF was correct about the wedding etiquette, but normally I'd say that wedding etiquette isn't something you should risk a relationship over. But as this relationship is with a real twerp of a girl, it's fine!
Well it could definitely ruin someone elses wedding if it ends up in drama. These people are probably very excited and paid a lot for it. I feel like its not risking your relationship over etiquette. Its risking your relationship because she think only about herself
Load More Replies...
The only "white" dress appropriate for a guest at a wedding is if it's got like a big floral pattern or something over it so it doesn't look like a wedding dress at all. Sounds to me the girlfriend wanted some drama and made sure she got it and then tried to manipulate her way out of it and then spat the dummy when it didn't work. People like that are exhausting. I literally just asked my 7yr old daughter what colour you shouldn't wear to someone's wedding - she instantly replied white. If a 7yr old knows this I'm sure the girlfriend knows too
I can give a pass to children, up to age 12 or so. They're not usually going to go shopping for a whole new outfit just for a wedding to avoid wearing white.
Load More Replies... "You're being controlling! You need to apologize!" I'm being crushed under all this irony.
Often you can see someone's true colors in what they falsely accuse others of.
Load More Replies... Yikes. Jumping right to controlling and abusive just for pointing out something that literally everyone knows does not bode well for future arguments. Definitely the kind of person who will also lie and play victim consistently. You are well rid of her. Considering how many people are actually abusive I find this kind of thing abhorrent. She 100% wanted to either cause a scene at the wedding, and/or hurt your relationship with your colleague. There's literally no other reason to do this.
Agreed. If she tells this to her friends she probably changes the story a little bit to make her look like the victim.
Load More Replies...
The ex didn't think this through. Did she not think of the awkward situation she'd cause for the OP and the colleague? Plus the gossip at work? She could have worn the dress on another occasion, such as the anniversary of their first date.
There is also the possibility that she did know it would create a situation and she wanted it. She wanted to give her speech about outdated traditions to anyone who may ask and didn't care that it would make an awkward situation for him, or even affect his standing at work. Normally, I tend to look for the benign explanation, but the way she jumped right into accusing him of abuse seemed more like a tool to get the upper hand rather than her really feeling abused. She seems like 10 pounds of toxic in a 5 pound bag.
Load More Replies...
Unless specified in the wedding invite, you don't wear white or black dresses - that's just the way it is. If you want a certain dress code at your own wedding then that's grand but it wasn't her wedding. Also, she didn't even know the bride... Why would she do that, why not play it safe with a colour? I actually think OP done the right thing, I hear people using the words abuse, Red flag and gaslighting way too lightly these days.
Agreed. My friend has bright green hair and had trouble finding a dress fir my wedding that looked good with her hair. Told her a black dress was absolutely fine. We chose one together. Its more like a summer dress, not one you would wear to a funeral. If not specified, just ask and otherwise dont do it. Id be crushed if someone cause drama (on perpose) at my wedding. Im really excited for the day and paid a lot and im not planning on doing it again
Load More Replies...
I think SHE'S the one being abusive. Or would manipulative be the right word? Or are they both the same thing in this situation?
Emotional manipulation is a form of abuse. So both are right.
Load More Replies...
Besides everything else he wasn't really telling her what to wear. He was telling her that I refuse to be seen at a wedding with you in that dress. There is a difference between you may not wear that clothing ever and I refuse to accompany you to a specific event when you are dressed inappropriately.
If one of her girlfriends told her not to wear white or off-white to a wedding, she wouldn't be calling them abusive.
Probably. I think you should always turn the situation around. Just because he is a man doesnt mean he is abusive. I feel like there are a lot of negative things being said about men here recently. But turn ot around. Would it be fine if a woman said it?
Load More Replies...
One - a business-related event Two - she wants to be the center of the movie (even when it's not about her and will damage the careers of others) Three - her immediate reaction was a three-prong attack of false victim-hood Four - when called on the gaslighting, she proved herself unworthy of the name "Woman"
Wrong. She's still a woman. She proved herself unworthy of the titles Girlfriend, Fiancee, and Wife though.
Load More Replies...
My wife wore a purple dress when we married. We just asked people to wear comfortable shoes, since the venue was in a country house, with a huge garden, and it was so nice to see people spreading aroung ;)
Wow,you definitely dodged a bullet with that girl. You did nothing wrong. Its basic common sense to not wear white at a wedding unless you are the bride. She shouldn't have gone off the deep end when you asked her to change.
Holy s**t, not every piece of criticism is abuse—certainly not this one, a necessary suggestion to avoid creating drama and stress on someone else’s wedding day. Abuse is serious, and as someone who’s been in an emotionally abusive relationship, it really does affect all your relationships going forward, even if you’re in therapy and dating a good person. I doubt OP voicing his concerns over her wearing a wedding dress-like outfit to someone else’s wedding will negatively impact her relationships and mental health going forward. But the fact that she then resorted to body shaming OP for his d**k size when she didn’t get her way is really the icing on top. Like, okay, it’s “controlling and abusive” for him to tell her not to wear a white dress to someone else’s wedding but it’s totally fine for her to nastily body shame her partner when he breaks up with her?
Pretty sketchy for someone who claims to "love weddings" but doesn't know the rule that only the bride wears white (unless the bride encourages everyone to just wear white). Also, she's a plus one to someone else's wedding. Wouldn't hurt to change to anything but white.
Considering how many dresses and how much clothing women have, changing just the dress should have been no big deal. Most men I know never notice what a woman is wearing -- if a man requested something this simple, I'd change in a second! She showed her true colors when it was not her event and she was only a guest of a guest. Good thing he found out now!
Also. If she didnt have too much clithing. It probably means she purpusefully bought a wedding dress-like dress..
Load More Replies...
NTA. I know women like that ex-GF. Not only was she seeking attention, the outfit she chose was a subliminal suggestion. They were going to a wedding and she dressed like a bride. Not too hard to make the connection there. That dame was trolling for a husband and trolling hard. She overplayed her hand and deserved to be dumped for the controlling and manipulating behavior she showed. Sir, you dodged a bullet and a potential bridezilla.
NTA his girlfriends purposely wore white to upstage the bride and that is why she got so upset when he asked her to change. EVERYONE KNOWS A WOMEN DOESN'T WEAR WHITE TO A WEDDING.. She's not only the ahole she's also a nasty little b***h.
She "loves weddings" because she's probably obsessed with them and wants to BE the bride. I know the type.
That was exactly my first thought too. I knew many girls like her and he's lucky to have found out before he made a big mistake.
Load More Replies... Girlfriend pulled the abuse card at their first fight over a dress. I agree with the masses. She cried "wolf!" Eventually no one will believe her if she ever is with a bully.
Obviously he is NTA about the dress. If he could go back in time, though, I suspect he could have thought of some ways to be kinder about it. He could have started out by commenting, "Your dress is white" and listening to her opinions about white and virginity, then he could have asked her to change after that conversation if she didn't volunteer to already. He could have asked her to get out of the car without swearing. I think those would have gone a long way. I can see where the gf got the idea that bfs asking gfs to change is abuse, but she's totally misinterpreting that idea. Dunno why, because he doesn't seem to have talked to her much about it to dig in deeper, or maybe he just didn't share, but I wonder if it could have been worked out after all if they both wanted to. Oh well, moot point because he didn't want to, and that's his prerogative, and it's okay if they part ways.
Ex GF just outed herself as an emotional manipulator and abuser.
Wow. Good on you. I ended a friendship over something similar. I was called oppressive over something relatively small (a comment about a haircut, ie thought it was unflattering, and asking questions about what was going on in another friend's life??? this one confuses me still). Even if you could make an argument that it wasn't my place to comment on her hair does that really excuse calling me oppressive? Also I'm white and knew these people for literally 10 years and it had never been an issue up until that point. Oh also I told her that she did a good job getting a better paying job than me when I went to college (my point being that college was a waste and she was doing well) and she took offense to this and took it the complete opposite way??? Anyway I knew there was no way I could oppress anyone because I'm a huge push over and they had always kinda bullied me or laughed at me for being clumsy or whatever. I made the point to her that oppressors can't be friends with oppressees
then I promptly stopped talking to her and blocked her on everything. I don't want to oppress anyone so best stop before I do some real damage with my white butt.
Load More Replies...
jeez he dodged a bullet. glad he got that toxic chick out of his life.
People need to stop watering down words like abusive, rape etc, because they will become meaningless and that is not helping the victims of real abuse. Also: Do not wear white to a wedding! It's not rocket science!
So NTA. She was trying to upstage the bride by wearing that dress. That kind of insecurity/vanity spells disaster for so many aspects of the relationship. She needs to develop some emotional maturity to be able to function in an adult partnership.
"she got upset and asked why I wouldn't even try to work it out" I mean, maybe she's right, I can see if this behavior is a pattern, but your story makes it sound like a one off that she's sorry for and she can learn from "Then she said my d**k was small" LOL never mind. Always trust your instincts!
I'm sorry, but every woman on the planet knows that white is reserved for the bride! You are DEFINITELY not the AH. You did nothing wrong by asking her to change. I would have said give her another chance, but then she made the small size comment! She sounds very immature and selfish. You dodged a bullet, dude!!!
The first wedding movie I ever saw was "Father of the Bride" with Steve Martin. I remember the mother of the bride wore "beige" (taupe, eggshell, blonde, etc.) I thought this was normal until someone at MY wedding got upset because my mother, who had walked me down the aisle wearing her own wedding dress ( married older, very tasteful knee length beige lace dress opposed to my own white gettup), and they came and gossiped to me like my own mother and I had never discussed this seriously? She looked amazing and so did i, but I had to convince her to wear that because if etiquette. If it makes anyone feel better I'm not mad my aunt wore all black either, the woman knows what she looks good in.
Omg my brother did the same thing at my sister's wedding (wore black at colourful wedding), this is how we found out he is colourblind. I'm pretty sure my aunt is colourblind, I should tell her
Load More Replies...
NTA, It is wedding law, and jumping straight to control and abuse just screams get the hell out out there. She was asked to do something reasonable.
Both a*holes really. No, you don't wear white to a wedding. But seriously, clutching your pearls and having a hissyfit, refusing to discuss it and leaving? You're immature and not ready for a relationship anyway.
So glad this guy had the sense to say it's not appropriate! Though he maybe could have been calmer and asked her to change so she could have gone too
When I got married I took my future Mil with me shopping and she was well aware of the colour and design of the bridesmaid dresses etc. So imagine my shock when the day before the wedding she wanted to show me her outfit that was exactly the same colour as the bridesmaids and not that different in style. Mil doesn't speak english so I vented to my Fh that his mother couldn't wear that outfit and she wouldook more like a bridesmaid than mother of the groom! He didn't get why I was upset about it but did tell his mum that she couldn't wear it to the day Nd I compromised and said she could change into ot for the evening. Think that was the slippery slope tbh and now are both exes!
She was 100% in the wrong for wearing that dress. However, I have to wonder what the boyfriend said - and HOW he said it - to judge on whether or not it was abusive. Verbal arguments can absolutely be abusive based on what and *how* it was said. Until we have her side of the story I can't judge on that part. TBH, it seems like he wanted a cookie for breaking up with her and refusing to meet up in person to discuss the end of their year-long relationship (based off of the one-side informed opinions of strangers on the internet.) It appears they BOTH have a lot of growing up to do & both are seeking attention.
He wasn't abusive, she went full tantrum because he set boundaries. As for the update, people on the AITA sub often ask for updates on potentially abusive situations to get confirmation that the poster is safe.
Load More Replies...
I'm kind of on the fence with this. I don't think he was the jerk for asking her to change but unless it was some extravagant gown I don't see why it needed to be that big of a deal. A quick text to a bridesmaid or someone asking if it was okay -that could have solved the issue quickly. Maybe the bride wouldn't have cared at all (lol I could care less. As long as you aren't wearing a wedding gown, I too believe it's a really outdated tradition). But at the same time, *most* women do know they shouldn't wear white colors so she should have known better. It's a shame there was no easy solution and it led to a breakdown but it sounds like he might have been better off.
Texting a bride on the very day of the ceremony to ask her if it's ok that the girlfriend wears a white dress? Sure, the bride has 'nothing' else to worry about on that day...😑 And another thing: in the event he would have asked the bride and she wouldn't have hung up the phone in disbelief, how could she have reacted? "Oh No, AbSoLuTeLY nOt! ShE cAn'T wEaR wHiTe! I fOrBiD hEr!!! ". I don't think so... Being a reasonable person, the poor bride would have put up with it and told him that it's not a problem. In conclusion, the girlfriend is 100% TA. (I'm sure I've made a few mistakes with the verbal forms, but you get my point😊).
Load More Replies...
He didn't ghost her, he just set another boundary by refusing to go to her house after she accused him of being abusive.
Load More Replies... No, the OP is the one who has to work with Newlywed Colleague, he risked always being That Guy who brought the attention-seeker to the wedding. Even if (when) they broke up in the future, his coworkers would rib him about new relationships: "Does this one know better than to wear white to Colleague's wedding?" I suspect the GF knew this was a low risk situation for her to make a scene, since she wouldn't know anyone else at the wedding. Who you choose to be romantically involved with *does* reflect on your character, regardless of gender roles. Tacky girlfriend, racist boyfriend, it all reflects on all of the participants in the relationship.
Load More Replies... NTA Most know this rule of not wearing white at a wedding and if you don't know this rule and someone tells you (nicely) you should be a good sport and wear something else. Women using the "abuse" card when it was NOT abuse is totally wrong btw.
Ten upvotes. In my mom's family specifically, we *never* wear dark colors to a wedding, if female. Anything else, fine, even off-white, but my great-grandma was certain dark colors brought bad luck to a marriage, so here we all are! Is it abuse to tell my hubby, "No, babe, for my cousin's wedding, go with the blue shirt and a bright tie"? It's a ... well, courtesy thing, really.
Load More Replies... The guy was right and it's a good thing that he immediately understood that she was not the right woman for him. He really dodged a ballistic missile.
I think he's in the right for ending the relationship. She resorted to a comment about his d**k when she found out he was ending it. She clearly has a lot of growing up to do. But am I the only one who thinks that perhaps she wore that dress as a HUGE clue to the boyfriend about her intentions? She dressed like a bride (not THE bride) so he would see how stunning she looks in a wedding dress and possibly could picture himself marrying her? She clearly took ages over it and that would indicate why she was so upset about being asked to change. Her plans backfired big time. But all in all it was probably for the best.
Yes it sounded like that to me too. I want to marry now! Ask me!
Load More Replies... Most weddings and funerals have an attention seeking crazy person. You just discovered your gf is that person. You’ve been dating for a year and that’s about the time the real person comes out when the extreme sex hormones start to wear off. You dodged a bullet.
The BF was correct about the wedding etiquette, but normally I'd say that wedding etiquette isn't something you should risk a relationship over. But as this relationship is with a real twerp of a girl, it's fine!
Well it could definitely ruin someone elses wedding if it ends up in drama. These people are probably very excited and paid a lot for it. I feel like its not risking your relationship over etiquette. Its risking your relationship because she think only about herself
Load More Replies... The only "white" dress appropriate for a guest at a wedding is if it's got like a big floral pattern or something over it so it doesn't look like a wedding dress at all. Sounds to me the girlfriend wanted some drama and made sure she got it and then tried to manipulate her way out of it and then spat the dummy when it didn't work. People like that are exhausting. I literally just asked my 7yr old daughter what colour you shouldn't wear to someone's wedding - she instantly replied white. If a 7yr old knows this I'm sure the girlfriend knows too
I can give a pass to children, up to age 12 or so. They're not usually going to go shopping for a whole new outfit just for a wedding to avoid wearing white.
Load More Replies... "You're being controlling! You need to apologize!" I'm being crushed under all this irony.
Often you can see someone's true colors in what they falsely accuse others of.
Load More Replies... Yikes. Jumping right to controlling and abusive just for pointing out something that literally everyone knows does not bode well for future arguments. Definitely the kind of person who will also lie and play victim consistently. You are well rid of her. Considering how many people are actually abusive I find this kind of thing abhorrent. She 100% wanted to either cause a scene at the wedding, and/or hurt your relationship with your colleague. There's literally no other reason to do this.
Agreed. If she tells this to her friends she probably changes the story a little bit to make her look like the victim.
Load More Replies... The ex didn't think this through. Did she not think of the awkward situation she'd cause for the OP and the colleague? Plus the gossip at work? She could have worn the dress on another occasion, such as the anniversary of their first date.
There is also the possibility that she did know it would create a situation and she wanted it. She wanted to give her speech about outdated traditions to anyone who may ask and didn't care that it would make an awkward situation for him, or even affect his standing at work. Normally, I tend to look for the benign explanation, but the way she jumped right into accusing him of abuse seemed more like a tool to get the upper hand rather than her really feeling abused. She seems like 10 pounds of toxic in a 5 pound bag.
Load More Replies... Unless specified in the wedding invite, you don't wear white or black dresses - that's just the way it is. If you want a certain dress code at your own wedding then that's grand but it wasn't her wedding. Also, she didn't even know the bride... Why would she do that, why not play it safe with a colour? I actually think OP done the right thing, I hear people using the words abuse, Red flag and gaslighting way too lightly these days.
Agreed. My friend has bright green hair and had trouble finding a dress fir my wedding that looked good with her hair. Told her a black dress was absolutely fine. We chose one together. Its more like a summer dress, not one you would wear to a funeral. If not specified, just ask and otherwise dont do it. Id be crushed if someone cause drama (on perpose) at my wedding. Im really excited for the day and paid a lot and im not planning on doing it again
Load More Replies... I think SHE'S the one being abusive. Or would manipulative be the right word? Or are they both the same thing in this situation?
Emotional manipulation is a form of abuse. So both are right.
Load More Replies... Besides everything else he wasn't really telling her what to wear. He was telling her that I refuse to be seen at a wedding with you in that dress. There is a difference between you may not wear that clothing ever and I refuse to accompany you to a specific event when you are dressed inappropriately.
If one of her girlfriends told her not to wear white or off-white to a wedding, she wouldn't be calling them abusive.
Probably. I think you should always turn the situation around. Just because he is a man doesnt mean he is abusive. I feel like there are a lot of negative things being said about men here recently. But turn ot around. Would it be fine if a woman said it?
Load More Replies... One - a business-related event Two - she wants to be the center of the movie (even when it's not about her and will damage the careers of others) Three - her immediate reaction was a three-prong attack of false victim-hood Four - when called on the gaslighting, she proved herself unworthy of the name "Woman"
Wrong. She's still a woman. She proved herself unworthy of the titles Girlfriend, Fiancee, and Wife though.
Load More Replies... My wife wore a purple dress when we married. We just asked people to wear comfortable shoes, since the venue was in a country house, with a huge garden, and it was so nice to see people spreading aroung ;)
Wow,you definitely dodged a bullet with that girl. You did nothing wrong. Its basic common sense to not wear white at a wedding unless you are the bride. She shouldn't have gone off the deep end when you asked her to change.
Holy s**t, not every piece of criticism is abuse—certainly not this one, a necessary suggestion to avoid creating drama and stress on someone else’s wedding day. Abuse is serious, and as someone who’s been in an emotionally abusive relationship, it really does affect all your relationships going forward, even if you’re in therapy and dating a good person. I doubt OP voicing his concerns over her wearing a wedding dress-like outfit to someone else’s wedding will negatively impact her relationships and mental health going forward. But the fact that she then resorted to body shaming OP for his d**k size when she didn’t get her way is really the icing on top. Like, okay, it’s “controlling and abusive” for him to tell her not to wear a white dress to someone else’s wedding but it’s totally fine for her to nastily body shame her partner when he breaks up with her?
Pretty sketchy for someone who claims to "love weddings" but doesn't know the rule that only the bride wears white (unless the bride encourages everyone to just wear white). Also, she's a plus one to someone else's wedding. Wouldn't hurt to change to anything but white.
Considering how many dresses and how much clothing women have, changing just the dress should have been no big deal. Most men I know never notice what a woman is wearing -- if a man requested something this simple, I'd change in a second! She showed her true colors when it was not her event and she was only a guest of a guest. Good thing he found out now!
Also. If she didnt have too much clithing. It probably means she purpusefully bought a wedding dress-like dress..
Load More Replies... NTA. I know women like that ex-GF. Not only was she seeking attention, the outfit she chose was a subliminal suggestion. They were going to a wedding and she dressed like a bride. Not too hard to make the connection there. That dame was trolling for a husband and trolling hard. She overplayed her hand and deserved to be dumped for the controlling and manipulating behavior she showed. Sir, you dodged a bullet and a potential bridezilla.
NTA his girlfriends purposely wore white to upstage the bride and that is why she got so upset when he asked her to change. EVERYONE KNOWS A WOMEN DOESN'T WEAR WHITE TO A WEDDING.. She's not only the ahole she's also a nasty little b***h.
She "loves weddings" because she's probably obsessed with them and wants to BE the bride. I know the type.
That was exactly my first thought too. I knew many girls like her and he's lucky to have found out before he made a big mistake.
Load More Replies... Girlfriend pulled the abuse card at their first fight over a dress. I agree with the masses. She cried "wolf!" Eventually no one will believe her if she ever is with a bully.
Obviously he is NTA about the dress. If he could go back in time, though, I suspect he could have thought of some ways to be kinder about it. He could have started out by commenting, "Your dress is white" and listening to her opinions about white and virginity, then he could have asked her to change after that conversation if she didn't volunteer to already. He could have asked her to get out of the car without swearing. I think those would have gone a long way. I can see where the gf got the idea that bfs asking gfs to change is abuse, but she's totally misinterpreting that idea. Dunno why, because he doesn't seem to have talked to her much about it to dig in deeper, or maybe he just didn't share, but I wonder if it could have been worked out after all if they both wanted to. Oh well, moot point because he didn't want to, and that's his prerogative, and it's okay if they part ways.
Ex GF just outed herself as an emotional manipulator and abuser.
Wow. Good on you. I ended a friendship over something similar. I was called oppressive over something relatively small (a comment about a haircut, ie thought it was unflattering, and asking questions about what was going on in another friend's life??? this one confuses me still). Even if you could make an argument that it wasn't my place to comment on her hair does that really excuse calling me oppressive? Also I'm white and knew these people for literally 10 years and it had never been an issue up until that point. Oh also I told her that she did a good job getting a better paying job than me when I went to college (my point being that college was a waste and she was doing well) and she took offense to this and took it the complete opposite way??? Anyway I knew there was no way I could oppress anyone because I'm a huge push over and they had always kinda bullied me or laughed at me for being clumsy or whatever. I made the point to her that oppressors can't be friends with oppressees
then I promptly stopped talking to her and blocked her on everything. I don't want to oppress anyone so best stop before I do some real damage with my white butt.
Load More Replies... jeez he dodged a bullet. glad he got that toxic chick out of his life.
People need to stop watering down words like abusive, rape etc, because they will become meaningless and that is not helping the victims of real abuse. Also: Do not wear white to a wedding! It's not rocket science!
So NTA. She was trying to upstage the bride by wearing that dress. That kind of insecurity/vanity spells disaster for so many aspects of the relationship. She needs to develop some emotional maturity to be able to function in an adult partnership.
"she got upset and asked why I wouldn't even try to work it out" I mean, maybe she's right, I can see if this behavior is a pattern, but your story makes it sound like a one off that she's sorry for and she can learn from "Then she said my d**k was small" LOL never mind. Always trust your instincts!
I'm sorry, but every woman on the planet knows that white is reserved for the bride! You are DEFINITELY not the AH. You did nothing wrong by asking her to change. I would have said give her another chance, but then she made the small size comment! She sounds very immature and selfish. You dodged a bullet, dude!!!
The first wedding movie I ever saw was "Father of the Bride" with Steve Martin. I remember the mother of the bride wore "beige" (taupe, eggshell, blonde, etc.) I thought this was normal until someone at MY wedding got upset because my mother, who had walked me down the aisle wearing her own wedding dress ( married older, very tasteful knee length beige lace dress opposed to my own white gettup), and they came and gossiped to me like my own mother and I had never discussed this seriously? She looked amazing and so did i, but I had to convince her to wear that because if etiquette. If it makes anyone feel better I'm not mad my aunt wore all black either, the woman knows what she looks good in.
Omg my brother did the same thing at my sister's wedding (wore black at colourful wedding), this is how we found out he is colourblind. I'm pretty sure my aunt is colourblind, I should tell her
Load More Replies... NTA, It is wedding law, and jumping straight to control and abuse just screams get the hell out out there. She was asked to do something reasonable.
Both a*holes really. No, you don't wear white to a wedding. But seriously, clutching your pearls and having a hissyfit, refusing to discuss it and leaving? You're immature and not ready for a relationship anyway.
So glad this guy had the sense to say it's not appropriate! Though he maybe could have been calmer and asked her to change so she could have gone too
When I got married I took my future Mil with me shopping and she was well aware of the colour and design of the bridesmaid dresses etc. So imagine my shock when the day before the wedding she wanted to show me her outfit that was exactly the same colour as the bridesmaids and not that different in style. Mil doesn't speak english so I vented to my Fh that his mother couldn't wear that outfit and she wouldook more like a bridesmaid than mother of the groom! He didn't get why I was upset about it but did tell his mum that she couldn't wear it to the day Nd I compromised and said she could change into ot for the evening. Think that was the slippery slope tbh and now are both exes!
She was 100% in the wrong for wearing that dress. However, I have to wonder what the boyfriend said - and HOW he said it - to judge on whether or not it was abusive. Verbal arguments can absolutely be abusive based on what and *how* it was said. Until we have her side of the story I can't judge on that part. TBH, it seems like he wanted a cookie for breaking up with her and refusing to meet up in person to discuss the end of their year-long relationship (based off of the one-side informed opinions of strangers on the internet.) It appears they BOTH have a lot of growing up to do & both are seeking attention.
He wasn't abusive, she went full tantrum because he set boundaries. As for the update, people on the AITA sub often ask for updates on potentially abusive situations to get confirmation that the poster is safe.
Load More Replies... I'm kind of on the fence with this. I don't think he was the jerk for asking her to change but unless it was some extravagant gown I don't see why it needed to be that big of a deal. A quick text to a bridesmaid or someone asking if it was okay -that could have solved the issue quickly. Maybe the bride wouldn't have cared at all (lol I could care less. As long as you aren't wearing a wedding gown, I too believe it's a really outdated tradition). But at the same time, *most* women do know they shouldn't wear white colors so she should have known better. It's a shame there was no easy solution and it led to a breakdown but it sounds like he might have been better off.
Texting a bride on the very day of the ceremony to ask her if it's ok that the girlfriend wears a white dress? Sure, the bride has 'nothing' else to worry about on that day...😑 And another thing: in the event he would have asked the bride and she wouldn't have hung up the phone in disbelief, how could she have reacted? "Oh No, AbSoLuTeLY nOt! ShE cAn'T wEaR wHiTe! I fOrBiD hEr!!! ". I don't think so... Being a reasonable person, the poor bride would have put up with it and told him that it's not a problem. In conclusion, the girlfriend is 100% TA. (I'm sure I've made a few mistakes with the verbal forms, but you get my point😊).
Load More Replies... He didn't ghost her, he just set another boundary by refusing to go to her house after she accused him of being abusive.
Load More Replies... No, the OP is the one who has to work with Newlywed Colleague, he risked always being That Guy who brought the attention-seeker to the wedding. Even if (when) they broke up in the future, his coworkers would rib him about new relationships: "Does this one know better than to wear white to Colleague's wedding?" I suspect the GF knew this was a low risk situation for her to make a scene, since she wouldn't know anyone else at the wedding. Who you choose to be romantically involved with *does* reflect on your character, regardless of gender roles. Tacky girlfriend, racist boyfriend, it all reflects on all of the participants in the relationship.
Load More Replies...
136
85