Guy Gets Shamed By Girlfriend’s Parents for Not Being A ‘Real Man,’ Plays Along To Teach Her A Lesson
Nobody’s perfect. Life is just too complex to be good at everything. Heck, even one skill is difficult to master. But some people just don’t get it.
A few days ago, a man submitted a heartfelt story to the ‘Am I the [Jerk]?‘ subreddit, asking its members to share their thoughts on a conflict between him and his girlfriend.
The root of the dispute goes back to a time when the author of the post invited a friend to help him change a door hinge because he lacks the experience to do it on his own.
Fast forward a few weeks and the guy’s partner is shaming him for not being man enough in front of her parents.
This guy needed a friend to change a door hinge
Image credits: Ksenia Chernaya
And his girlfriend not only thought it made him less of a man, but she also ridiculed him for it in front of her parents
Image credits: Alex Green
It’s easy to understand why the original poster (OP) felt bad about the whole thing. Mutual support is necessary for a healthy relationship.
“I think it’s absolutely OK to look for and expect [emotional support] from your partner and I think most people do, whether or not they think that they should or they allow themselves to,” Dr. Wendy Zhao, a clinical psychologist at the Clinic on Dupont in Toronto told CBC.
But as this story shows, expecting support doesn’t necessarily translate to receiving it.
But we shouldn’t judge OP for entering a committed relationship with a person who might be on a different page than him on this topic. It’s not something that’s crystal clear right after you meet someone, as you need to factor in the complexities of the person’s emotional development, which varies with aspects like cultural influences and the unspoken rules learned within families. Because of this, how each person operates in a relationship can be vastly different.
Not all people in loving relationships desire the same things from their significant others. They might have shared interests and enjoy activities together while not really turning to one another for comfort or reassurance, which is relatively common. Just think of the “best friend-companion” marriage model.
People may, for example, seek support from friends and family instead of their partner. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
Where conflict often arises, however, is when there’s a mismatch: one partner requires a lot of emotional support, and the other partner is incapable of providing it.
Zhao suggested couples communicate mutual expectations early in a relationship so they don’t find themselves feeling disappointed years down the road when their needs are not being met. And she said a couple’s therapist can assist with learning how to communicate needs respectfully. “So then, our partner won’t feel blamed or won’t reject our request or won’t feel their request as threatening for their own personal reasons,” she said.
Also keep in mind that the level of emotional support can fluctuate depending on life circumstances: a partner who is having a bad day may not be capable of having your back at that very moment. Couples can also take each other for granted, which may diminish support, particularly when they’ve been in the relationship for a long time. But it doesn’t mean they can’t come back from that, said Zhao.
Of course, openly making fun of your partner is a completely different thing…
People had a lot to say after reading what happened
443Kviews
Share on Facebook
My husband is a real man. And not for any stupid reason like he knows how to fix the lawnmower. He's a real man because he cried with me when our pet died. When he gets home, first thing he does greets me and each of our kids individually, asking us about our day. He is still patiently and encouragingly trying to teach our 12 year old autistic son to ride a bicycle, without judgement and celebrating each small moment of victory. That's what a loving person does, man or woman. That's why we're still together after 16 years.
I have neuro issues myself, and I couldn't ride a bike w/o training wheels until I was 10.5 yo. It's hard to find training wheels to fit taller bikes. I was riding one day, I was still a ways from home, and one of my training wheels fell off. I started crying because I didn't know what to do. We lived near a Catholic rectory, the church was behind our house. One of the priests saw me crying and asked what was wrong. When I told him, and showed him the training wheel, he happily fixed it for me. Made my day.
Load More Replies...
Classic example of "gender roles".....he would be perfect for me....I'm a woman and I HATE doing house work, but enjoy working on my car and fixing things. It's funny sometimes because when men pass by and I'm jacking up my car and they're like "oh you shouldn't be changing your own tire let me get that" like Capt. Save-A-Hoe...and I'm like "thanks but I'm not changing the tire, I'm changing the oil and fixing the power steering line, you know how to do that?....oh no?....bye"
Everyone should learn how to change a tire. When I got my first car, my dad showed me how to change a tire the first thing. I know how to check the fluids but not change them. Kudos to you!
Load More Replies...
A "real man" needs to know where the water shut off valve is. So does a "real" woman, and any other home occupant regardless of their identified gender. Beyond that, it's a case of sticking with your strengths and preferences. If your strengths do not include fixing door hinges (and it sounds like the fix required more than wielding a screwdriver), and you have the funds or friend network to get someone in, that's what you do.
That fixes the door problem. That WON'T ever fix HER problem which is feeling good by humiliating people and making them feel small and hurt. And doing so in company of others, like a little gang of sorts. He's in an unloving relationship. Time to meet some new people, outside his home. Maybe at a class or DIY mini clinic. He needs his confidence restored to feel good about his choices, whether in "manly" projects where he meets others learning skills or via psychotherapists who can help him evaluate the disrespecting relationship he's in and whether or not it's even worth his time, much less try to earn respect from a mean-mouthed gf and family. Which will NEVER happen unless they get help.
Load More Replies...
Oh, so she wants an old-school "real man", but isn't ready to become an old-school "real woman"?
He does all the other chores in the house and treats her like a queen. That's really nice and then she comments about him needing help for a door?? What an unkind thing to do. Not every man is handy and he has issues bc of his dad being an A-hole. She could at least appreciate the things he does and not make him feel like an idiot. Also, if he gets nervous touching a tool then she must make him nervous too?? (just kidding). Anyway, there are things in a relationship that the other person is good (or better) at doing and some things not so good. So bloody what! Respect each other. BTW can she fix the door???
Tasks and chores have no gender. Each person should know the basics, at least to the level where you can determine whether a task is doable or requires a professional. The specific task in this post is not necessarily an easy thing. If you're replacing hinges, you're changing the balance of the hang of the door, and correcting it isn't exactly intuitive.
Some people don't understand the level of engineering, even the slightest, it takes to fix things ... not everybody knows why pre-drilling in hardwood is necessary ... not everybody knows how to adjust the spring hinges on a cabinet ... not everybody knows to use the stud beams for hanging heavy items instead of using anchors ... not everybody knows how to properly hang a ceiling fan ... not everybody is built with an engineering / handy mindset, but don't bother explaining it to these people raised in a patriarchy ...
Load More Replies...
So according to to her families gender roles she has to do the laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping, and have dinner on the table when you get done with work. If they had kids she would be responsible for feeding changing and general raising of the children. His job would be lawn care, taking care of the garbage, grilling on holiday weekends, taking the kids fishing and hunting when they where old enough and simple repairs of the house. If she was looking for a 1950's household she should of mentioned that before they got serious.
If a "real man" can learn to fix stuff around the house, then a "real woman" can too.
That family isn't very nice. Even if they THOUGHT those things, they should have kept it to themselves. Walk away from the lot, sunshine, and don't look back.
My dad isn't a handyman in the slightest. We have a pantry that didn't require any screws or tools of that nature. My dad was able to figure it out and once he finished, he was so proud of himself. Time for OP to show his girlfriend the door. Then ask a friend to change the locks and then take some time off of dating for himself. I understand that she works a difficult job, but that's no excuse to not do chores. Also: cooking and cleaning aren't gender specific roles, they're life skills!
Should have unleashed an UNO Reverse on the awkward atmosphere that his GF's parent's created and dropped the "Your daughter has been getting a daily dose of my "manhood" for the last 2 years and I never heard a single complaint from her. Though I did have to convince her to refrain from calling me "daddy" out of respect for you, sir."
We all have our weaknesses. We all have tasks we don't want to handle ourselves, and not because it's particularly hard and impossible to learn, but just because we honestly hate doing that and rather pay to get it done. For me it's computer problems. for other people it can be handiwork or cooking. It;s not like you can't, you just don't want to, and as long as there are people and services that will do it for for a reasonable price, and can't see why not.
Geez. You fixed the door, didn't you? No matter how you did it, you did it. So what's their problem? You're doing everything. Exhausting job or not, I don't care. She should help you with at least some of the chores. And no, you're not less of a mann. Ffs. Princess wants a perfect prince but treats prince like s**t. sorry for the language
The guy had the perfect come back. Everyone is good at some things and not good at others. People will say stuff like "you're not a man" having no idea how it could blow up in their face. Let her know a "real woman" would come home from work and start cooking dinner immediately (I don't really believe this, but it would show her how petty she and her parents are being)
NTA. Really immature & disrespectful of GF to humiliate OP in front of her parents. I was taught by m' father & grandfather how to do simple repairs bout the house/ yard. I also know when I'm out of m' league & need to call a professional. Havin one's friend assist w/ a door hinge is hardly a show of incompetence. The GF sounds like a diva- I would've gone "on strike" as well.
NTA- You should really be rethinking this relationship, do you guys want children?, because if it so easy for her and her parents to belittle you about being a "man" regarding handyman jobs, what happens when they have opinions regarding your parenting, will they berate you in front of your child or other family/friends, it's sounds to me like you are reliving your past, because rather than encourage you, your GF along with her parents are berating and embarrassing you like your father, you can google all you need to and learn how to be more handy around the house, but your GF and her parents will still be the same judgemental people.
A real human would go to therapy to deal with their childhood s**t so they can fix a damn door.
Real man knows when he's out of his depth and isn't afraid to ask for help even if the task seems trivial to others. Same goes for real women.
First you are nta. Second, your wife and her parents are. Third, without judgement as to your manliness, it would be helpful to deal with your childhood trauma (extreme anxiety to specific non-threatening situations indicates trauma). We make our decisions and actions based on past experiences therefore if they are not dealt with they can produce poor choices, example, enduring degrading, disrespectful treatment from "loved" ones.
That's why God had us create those wonderful people who've learned how to do those specific things. So we don't have to. Can I change the oil in my car or replace a tire or even put on tire chains? Yes. Can I dismantle something and put it back together to get it working again? Yes. Can I change out or oil hinges on a door? Sure can. Now, do I want to? Nope! And if a man (mine or some others) says he doesn't want to or can't then I'd be whipping out a card that I've collected that says "We Will Fix This". I don't care who does it or if they're male, female, or an iguana. And I sure don't care if I or a man have to ask for help. As long as it gets done, that's all I care about.
Be thankful for this warning shot across your bow. Flee while your legs are still intact. This is one messed up family whose sole joy in life is destroying other people. Pray they don't reproduce any further. Good luck.
Why do thses bitches get the good men?? If his not a real man for not fixing then shes not a real woman for not doing house work. This whole thing is stupid. Dewe sir please leave this woamm so you can find a better one
Personally I PREFER a man who doesn’t know how to do housework, after living with a family that likes to renovate, a man who doesn’t know how to do those things and CALLS someone or PAYS someone to do it? That’s personally VERY ATTRACTIVE to me! So leave that woman! Be a house husband, mr fix it, or whatever! Don’t let her define you on that!
Sounds like OP has some trauma to overcome. Gf should be a "real woman" and nurture him back to square one to allow him to move forward and learn in a healthy manner. Tools can be scary, I've lost body parts to power tools. Granted I'm in construction so it's an occupational hazard. But there are many great you tube diyers that calmly break down the processes. And you can always pause them or go back at each step. But bravo for dropping the house work. They want to play a gender role game.. play the game and see how long she likes it. I grew up in an all hands on deck house. Animals need tending.. who's turn is it? House needs repainting, everyone put on grubbies and grab a brush. You tore your button off your shirt... the cookie tin is on the sewing machine. Have at it. But if she's so freaking handy and it's so simple... why doesn't she change the hinge? And maybe have him help hold the door. Use it as a bonding experience
Wow, most women would kill for a man who cooks and does dishes. Not every man is born knowing how to do door hinges I'm sure. Go find a woman (not a girl like you have now) and trust me they will appreciate everything you do
I feel it. I can't even mop a floor if someone is watching or gave me the task. My grandfather killed everything. Selfesteem, joy, happiness to learn something new. He was rude, I was a kid, not even 14. Yelling, crashing the tools out of my hands, telling me that I am a girl, of course I never will be able to do anything. Not even broom a floor. Bc of other things I was in therapy, working with this soft stone stuff. After a minute I cried like a baby with flashbacks, unable to move my hands. This man did so much for his girlfriend. And he fixed what was needed in his way, with a friend as a bridge or with professionals. I stand with him. Totally. And when he should be learning that stuff, I hope she does all the tasks that a housewife "should do". Everything. All of it. This story, this was sad. Really sad. He deserve better.
Mum and dad were born in the 1920’s, dad was the better cook and cleaner, mum was the Gardner and diy. They brought three daughters up to believe there are just jobs to be done, some of us are better at particular things . My husband does the lifting for me, he hods (holds) and I dod ( hit) I do the diy as I enjoy it. He cooks and I clean but it’s not a hard and fast rule.
Since he doesn't actually plan on becoming a "real" man, i.e. learn how to fix things and get over his childhood anxiety, his plan will backfire and result in his girlfriend deciding to leave for someone who isn't passive aggressive petty. The parents and girlfriend's tone seemed to imply that they meant "adult" when they said "man", not hyper masculinity. As in, an adult should be able to fix things, an adult would figure out how, an adult wouldn't make excuses about this. They don't care about the gendered division of labor, nor did they call him feminine for cleaning. That never came up.
I'm 38, still single, a surgeon. I would KILL to find a man who just excepted my career let alone maybe helped out with some of the stuff around the house. I hope that guy eventually finds a wonderful woman. He's clearly secure in his masculinity, not to mention a good partner and sharer of household task, and THOSE are some of the sexiest qualities of all!!!
But why didn't you tell her to fix the doorhinges herself, if she didn't like you to ask your friend? My husband did nearly all the cooking and discwashing, and I put up lamps fixed the computer and such. There is no reason in a relationship that one partner should do things because of gender, but all the reason in the world to do it because of inclination.
I am a woman and live alone in a house I own (well, there are cats). I can do a whole lot of chores by myself. If it's shameful that he can't change a hinge, it's equally shameful that she can't. Also, this woman should not have publicly shamed her husband. That's bad for any relationship. People need to support their friends and family.
NTA ... A real man know how to say I can't or I don't, and I need help, no matter what the situation maybe.
Definitely NTA. You already do so much for her, and I know all of it is more than I'd ever ask of my boyfriend. And nothing pisses me off like gender roles. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses and talents, so I disagree that every "man" should be able to fix things. You are no less of a man for not knowing how to fix a door handle(or hinge). In fact, I'd say if your girlfriend doesn't know the first thing about fixing a door, she has no room to judge. And to bring it up in front of her parents?! At the very least it got fixed, whether or not it was from the assistance of a friend. You don't need to prove anything to these people, you are man enough already. Sorry if that whole paragraph felt like a rant.
Instead of using "chore-time" to become a 'real' man, the time would be better spent finding another place to live. Let her come home and find an empty house (taking his belongings, not hers). She has taken him for granted, and will regret it. I see no future in him staying with her.
Ironic, since she doesnt do the "female" roles, such as cooking, cleaning. Which should be split equally since you both work. Sounds like she doesnt respect you & will always be that twisted person that runs to mommy & daddy to pull them into every single disagreement & belittle ppl for no reason other than to create drama. I couldn't be w someone like that. Even tho it pulls up painful memories, its still a good idea to know the basics. There were 5 of us girls & my dad taught us everything he could think of, from fixing a toilet to changing the oil. My husband does it now but handy when he isn't home or needs help. We work as a team. Couldn't imagine ever criticizing him. Esp just to humiliate him. In front of my parents. Im 50 & bet my dad would still bust my ask.
NTA. BUT you can improve your skills and contributions to this unhealthy judgenent-based relationship. NOT by feeling shamed. Your gf OBVIOUSLY has an IGNORANT view of what makes a man. Learning that "standard" from narrow-minded parents shows she's not overly interested in educating herself. And she seems to like humiliating you WITH family who one would THINK would be happy (grateful???) that ANYONE bothers with their spoiled and unfeeling kid. Which in fact might be partially your fault for spoiling their daughter. Hard to say this, but you can benefit from her outdated mindset by taking some classes and training seminars to learn traditional skills that you can do and likely very much enjoy. It's ok to bag a sandwich for dinner and run off to a class, and leave her with a sandwich to fend for herself. And take her to a seminar on how to build and repair household items so she can update her mindset and do it too. But if she shames you in public, go solo. Buy her a cookbook. ENJOY
NTA... I'm so sorry. Everyone deserves someone who appreciates and respects them for who they are. You have great qualities. Don't let someone who's ungrateful change that. She is not worthy. Go find your love.
You've been letting her treat you the way your father in that moment you recalled. No doubt she does it in a hundred other little it big ways. Abused or neglected children tend, as adults, to steer toward partners who embody the traits of the parent whose love was denied them. You "treat her like a queen", but at the same time, you let her belittle & wound you. Your readings are very personal & hurtful. She took that & made it group sport. Well, that apparently runs in their family. You accept it because you're still trying to feel worthy to someone that knocks down your sense of work. People usually go this route before they learn that they make their selves a worthy person. What you do, how you live, your values & morals, make your a worthy person. You just have to see that. You can go to the life & type of mutual love that YOU want. Find a person that feels & gives love & shows it to you. No king, no queen in relationships. Caring, sharing, helping, trusting. Love
Yep. Make her do all the sh*t you do because it's the "woman" thing to do. If she refuses, tell her she's not a real woman and that's exactly the mindset her and her family has. She's a gaslighting pos and deserves any negative bs at her job she gets. She's probably the cause of it all anyway.
Nta. You are welcome to come to my house and be as domestic as you like. I love diy tinkering (I'm female) love power tool projects, hate cooking and lets be real not too many people like cleaning but we do it. I would never expect my partner to have to know how to use or like to use tools so long as partner was participating/contributing to the relationship. Noone should judge your male or femaleness based on what tasks you know how to do or feel comfortable doing. In a relationship some tasks noone wants to do and should be shared or communication should commense so there is at least a fair feeling agreement but imho...hinge was broken girl asked you fix it, and you fixed it. It doesn't matter if you sought outside council, deligated, paid, or did it yourself. You did get the job done, correctly, as requested, in a timely manner. I think it is useful for everyone to have some basic home improvement skills because its damn expensive to hire it out and noone should feel helpless
It's a running joke that I'm the man of the house (I'm female) and i cant change door hinges. Idk what it is but trying to screw it into the door or wall (I've tried both ways) while balancing it and lining it up is really hard for me. I'll build an entire swing set or put together a cabinet any day. If anyone is wondering... the joke comes from an old neighbor who was a little old lady who was shook we were a house of girls with no men around to take care of fixing things or open jars and i was like... Wait. I do that.
My husband can ride a motorcycle and dirt bikes like nobody's business. But he is not a good handyman. And I am crazy about him. He also cries with me when watching chick flicks. Cried when we lost our 2 dogs to old age. Our house needs a few repairs, there was a time he just hired it out. Money is tight now. Oh well.
Does she not believe she should do anything then? Not only does the relationship seem one-sided when it comes to household duties, but her tearing down her bf in front of the parents because he isn't "manly enough" is a huge red flag.
I'm not sure what mix of ESH and NAH to go with here. Screw the rest of them... FiL was the only one who seemed to want to engage over projects. So call him, talk to him aside from the others. Tell him you were always berated and worse for not learning "handyman skills" quickly enough as a child and you have a lot of PTSD when it comes to doing so. And that you would like to learn but without the DD/Gf knowing because "as you just saw", she also thinks worse of me for it. I'm sure he would love the chance to bond and teach what he knows.
This man is carrying childhood trauma into the relationship. You need therapy OP. Now, your girlfriend is an A*****e for talking like that to her parents about you. You should really reconsider this relationship. They keep gaslighting you. She sounds like a mental abuser. You really need to get out of there. My sympathy.
Bro, gtfo of there! Next thing you know, they'll be telling you that you have to do EVERYTHING around the house! Cook, clean, shop, laundry, fix things EVERYTHING, and all they will do is sit on their asses while they make you kiss their feet and call them "Mistress", I can see it dude!
When I met my husband he has never built or fixed anything in his life. Never even used a drill before.. his mind was blown when I suggested we 'build' an outdoor cat enclosure instead of buying one pre made.. lol. He had never thought about DIY anything! Hahaha. It's just how he was raised. But once I taught him how to use tools properly and safely he turned into Tim the tool man Taylor.. he loves building & fixing s**t now. Even though he's not very great at a lot of the things he does. But he's learning. Idk why it's considered "manly" to know how to fix and build s**t! I'm a woman, my dad taught me how to repair everything around the house and used to take me to his job sites when he was a carpenter to help out. It how I was raised. My husband was raised in a more tech savvy home. Not very good at the hands on stuff. But great with electronics & s**t. We all have our strong suits. But he's not anymore manly now than before. Can we stop with this toxic masculinity s**t! Like... wtf?
Being a man means a lot of things but being there for you people is the number one 1 thing and that is different for every guy. I'm a handyman and family man myself but when it comes to certain jokes and jargons, sports, BBQs and other things that men should know is beyond me. The guy in the article should dump this bimbo if they want to pull this sexist stuff her and her folks put on the dude. He takes care of everything so you don't have to worry about home and that's how you treat him. She didn't even stick up for him, not a keeper.
Reminds me of that HIMYM episode when barney doesn't even know how to use a screwdriver -because he never have a dad, nobody taught him. As a person who learned many things, i often find myself on a position to laugh at others. Handy work around the house, electronics work, computers and gadgets, cars and engines. But i never belittle anyone. Once i visited my girlfriend's house, her parents was bragging about their children's foreign language proficiency, said something about "EVERYBODY should know more than one language nowadays". I just smiled. Long story short, i married their daughter and fixed basically everything in their house. Their loose doors, their awful cable works, smartphones, installed internet. And I found out that their sons are virtually useless around the house, they always count on me to fix stuff. They never brought up the language thing ever again. Moral of the story is, you might be good at some things, but nobody can be good at everything, sooner or later you're gonna have to ask others for help. So don't ridicule anyone, or brag about your skills.
If my kid was dating someone who didn't know how to do basic handy tasks, I would offer to show them, man or woman. It's fine to not know things, my parents never tought me to cook, i had to learn on my own. There are things that everyone should know how to do. But the most important thing is knowing how to not be psychologically abused by their partner. Get out of this relationship. You seem like a decent chap, she seems like an a*s
My daughter is our "handyman". For my husband and I... Or my ex, or my new SIL... And my husband is the best man i know ❤️
Your strategy sounds perfect, but only if you want to put your attention on the "manly"activities. I wouldn't do it only for spite...ok, I would for a while...she deserves it.
In my relationship, I'm the one fixing hinges, changing shower column etc, because I'm very handy and i like it. My partner isn't really great with handyman stuff, i don't mind and will never mind because he does stuff i don't like, like taking the trash out, and whenever i don't feel like it (which lately is very often due to depression) he'll cook, do laundry, clean (with some help) etc. I don't think not being good with tools makes a man bad partner, but i think that if a guy does whatever he can to contribute to the household, he's great partner and husband material.
Let's just acknowledge that the concept of a real man is still rooted in the patriarchy like women haven't been contributing to their own independence for the last nth decades ... it's sad to see men still subscribe to this and even sadder to see women that support their subscription to such archaic ideas ...
My partner is a disaster zone waiting to happen when it comes to DIY, she’s very keen but knows very little. I am less keen (like don’t want to do any DIY) but I’ve been taught a lot of skills by my parents and I’m a practical person. We make a good team, she provides the enthusiasm and I provide the skill. We are just ‘real’ people, nothing we do is a man’s job or a woman’s job, it’s just jobs. If your team / partnership has all the skills required and the drive to do them then you ought to count you blessings, otherwise save up and pay someone else to do it or learn, you’ll make mistakes but that’s where the laughter is and the learning is better when there’s a c**k up or two going on! 😀
This is some toxic and backward s**t. I agree it's helpful if SOMEONE around the house can do a bit handywork, but it doesn't have to be the guy. I was a single mom for 8 years and I can do all sorts of stuff. Our neighbors are a couple, she is a tiny and very girly woman who does all the handy stuff around the house.
Start with something small that might require a few tools and it won't matter if you mess up. Like a bird house. YouTube really is great for step by step instructional videos on EVERYTHING. Once you gain some confidence you can move on to other things. Or don't... you are no less of a man for not being able to fix things and you sound like a pretty great partner for all that you do for her. It sucks when people feed into toxic masculinity and I'm especially sorry it's your SO. I'm also sorry your dad made you feel like that. He was wrong and you didn't deserve it. Hang in there!
I feel this too often. Thankfully not from my partner who's amazing although we do throw good natured jabs at each other from time to time but from her parents occasionally mine and even now and then society at large. As a stay at home dad I get that c**p all the time and have to explain after lots of personal experience and research we decided time with our children was more important than any income and one of us would stay home at all times. She made more money and really enjoys her job and I don't get as frustrated with the kids and love teaching them new things. Old dynamics became outdated for a reason. People are not identical and there is no cookie cutter method to success. A partnership is exactly that - you shore up one another's weaknesses and marvel at each other's strength. That's what has made my relationship work so well for about a dozen years now.
Total and complete " Cry Baby" this loser is. If you are supposedly grown up enough to buy a house . Yet to learn the No Brainer skills off fixing your own property just to lazy and stupid whiner
My husband is a real man. And not for any stupid reason like he knows how to fix the lawnmower. He's a real man because he cried with me when our pet died. When he gets home, first thing he does greets me and each of our kids individually, asking us about our day. He is still patiently and encouragingly trying to teach our 12 year old autistic son to ride a bicycle, without judgement and celebrating each small moment of victory. That's what a loving person does, man or woman. That's why we're still together after 16 years.
I have neuro issues myself, and I couldn't ride a bike w/o training wheels until I was 10.5 yo. It's hard to find training wheels to fit taller bikes. I was riding one day, I was still a ways from home, and one of my training wheels fell off. I started crying because I didn't know what to do. We lived near a Catholic rectory, the church was behind our house. One of the priests saw me crying and asked what was wrong. When I told him, and showed him the training wheel, he happily fixed it for me. Made my day.
Load More Replies... Classic example of "gender roles".....he would be perfect for me....I'm a woman and I HATE doing house work, but enjoy working on my car and fixing things. It's funny sometimes because when men pass by and I'm jacking up my car and they're like "oh you shouldn't be changing your own tire let me get that" like Capt. Save-A-Hoe...and I'm like "thanks but I'm not changing the tire, I'm changing the oil and fixing the power steering line, you know how to do that?....oh no?....bye"
Everyone should learn how to change a tire. When I got my first car, my dad showed me how to change a tire the first thing. I know how to check the fluids but not change them. Kudos to you!
Load More Replies... A "real man" needs to know where the water shut off valve is. So does a "real" woman, and any other home occupant regardless of their identified gender. Beyond that, it's a case of sticking with your strengths and preferences. If your strengths do not include fixing door hinges (and it sounds like the fix required more than wielding a screwdriver), and you have the funds or friend network to get someone in, that's what you do.
That fixes the door problem. That WON'T ever fix HER problem which is feeling good by humiliating people and making them feel small and hurt. And doing so in company of others, like a little gang of sorts. He's in an unloving relationship. Time to meet some new people, outside his home. Maybe at a class or DIY mini clinic. He needs his confidence restored to feel good about his choices, whether in "manly" projects where he meets others learning skills or via psychotherapists who can help him evaluate the disrespecting relationship he's in and whether or not it's even worth his time, much less try to earn respect from a mean-mouthed gf and family. Which will NEVER happen unless they get help.
Load More Replies... Oh, so she wants an old-school "real man", but isn't ready to become an old-school "real woman"?
He does all the other chores in the house and treats her like a queen. That's really nice and then she comments about him needing help for a door?? What an unkind thing to do. Not every man is handy and he has issues bc of his dad being an A-hole. She could at least appreciate the things he does and not make him feel like an idiot. Also, if he gets nervous touching a tool then she must make him nervous too?? (just kidding). Anyway, there are things in a relationship that the other person is good (or better) at doing and some things not so good. So bloody what! Respect each other. BTW can she fix the door???
Tasks and chores have no gender. Each person should know the basics, at least to the level where you can determine whether a task is doable or requires a professional. The specific task in this post is not necessarily an easy thing. If you're replacing hinges, you're changing the balance of the hang of the door, and correcting it isn't exactly intuitive.
Some people don't understand the level of engineering, even the slightest, it takes to fix things ... not everybody knows why pre-drilling in hardwood is necessary ... not everybody knows how to adjust the spring hinges on a cabinet ... not everybody knows to use the stud beams for hanging heavy items instead of using anchors ... not everybody knows how to properly hang a ceiling fan ... not everybody is built with an engineering / handy mindset, but don't bother explaining it to these people raised in a patriarchy ...
Load More Replies... So according to to her families gender roles she has to do the laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping, and have dinner on the table when you get done with work. If they had kids she would be responsible for feeding changing and general raising of the children. His job would be lawn care, taking care of the garbage, grilling on holiday weekends, taking the kids fishing and hunting when they where old enough and simple repairs of the house. If she was looking for a 1950's household she should of mentioned that before they got serious.
If a "real man" can learn to fix stuff around the house, then a "real woman" can too.
That family isn't very nice. Even if they THOUGHT those things, they should have kept it to themselves. Walk away from the lot, sunshine, and don't look back.
My dad isn't a handyman in the slightest. We have a pantry that didn't require any screws or tools of that nature. My dad was able to figure it out and once he finished, he was so proud of himself. Time for OP to show his girlfriend the door. Then ask a friend to change the locks and then take some time off of dating for himself. I understand that she works a difficult job, but that's no excuse to not do chores. Also: cooking and cleaning aren't gender specific roles, they're life skills!
Should have unleashed an UNO Reverse on the awkward atmosphere that his GF's parent's created and dropped the "Your daughter has been getting a daily dose of my "manhood" for the last 2 years and I never heard a single complaint from her. Though I did have to convince her to refrain from calling me "daddy" out of respect for you, sir."
We all have our weaknesses. We all have tasks we don't want to handle ourselves, and not because it's particularly hard and impossible to learn, but just because we honestly hate doing that and rather pay to get it done. For me it's computer problems. for other people it can be handiwork or cooking. It;s not like you can't, you just don't want to, and as long as there are people and services that will do it for for a reasonable price, and can't see why not.
Geez. You fixed the door, didn't you? No matter how you did it, you did it. So what's their problem? You're doing everything. Exhausting job or not, I don't care. She should help you with at least some of the chores. And no, you're not less of a mann. Ffs. Princess wants a perfect prince but treats prince like s**t. sorry for the language
The guy had the perfect come back. Everyone is good at some things and not good at others. People will say stuff like "you're not a man" having no idea how it could blow up in their face. Let her know a "real woman" would come home from work and start cooking dinner immediately (I don't really believe this, but it would show her how petty she and her parents are being)
NTA. Really immature & disrespectful of GF to humiliate OP in front of her parents. I was taught by m' father & grandfather how to do simple repairs bout the house/ yard. I also know when I'm out of m' league & need to call a professional. Havin one's friend assist w/ a door hinge is hardly a show of incompetence. The GF sounds like a diva- I would've gone "on strike" as well.
NTA- You should really be rethinking this relationship, do you guys want children?, because if it so easy for her and her parents to belittle you about being a "man" regarding handyman jobs, what happens when they have opinions regarding your parenting, will they berate you in front of your child or other family/friends, it's sounds to me like you are reliving your past, because rather than encourage you, your GF along with her parents are berating and embarrassing you like your father, you can google all you need to and learn how to be more handy around the house, but your GF and her parents will still be the same judgemental people.
A real human would go to therapy to deal with their childhood s**t so they can fix a damn door.
Real man knows when he's out of his depth and isn't afraid to ask for help even if the task seems trivial to others. Same goes for real women.
First you are nta. Second, your wife and her parents are. Third, without judgement as to your manliness, it would be helpful to deal with your childhood trauma (extreme anxiety to specific non-threatening situations indicates trauma). We make our decisions and actions based on past experiences therefore if they are not dealt with they can produce poor choices, example, enduring degrading, disrespectful treatment from "loved" ones.
That's why God had us create those wonderful people who've learned how to do those specific things. So we don't have to. Can I change the oil in my car or replace a tire or even put on tire chains? Yes. Can I dismantle something and put it back together to get it working again? Yes. Can I change out or oil hinges on a door? Sure can. Now, do I want to? Nope! And if a man (mine or some others) says he doesn't want to or can't then I'd be whipping out a card that I've collected that says "We Will Fix This". I don't care who does it or if they're male, female, or an iguana. And I sure don't care if I or a man have to ask for help. As long as it gets done, that's all I care about.
Be thankful for this warning shot across your bow. Flee while your legs are still intact. This is one messed up family whose sole joy in life is destroying other people. Pray they don't reproduce any further. Good luck.
Why do thses bitches get the good men?? If his not a real man for not fixing then shes not a real woman for not doing house work. This whole thing is stupid. Dewe sir please leave this woamm so you can find a better one
Personally I PREFER a man who doesn’t know how to do housework, after living with a family that likes to renovate, a man who doesn’t know how to do those things and CALLS someone or PAYS someone to do it? That’s personally VERY ATTRACTIVE to me! So leave that woman! Be a house husband, mr fix it, or whatever! Don’t let her define you on that!
Sounds like OP has some trauma to overcome. Gf should be a "real woman" and nurture him back to square one to allow him to move forward and learn in a healthy manner. Tools can be scary, I've lost body parts to power tools. Granted I'm in construction so it's an occupational hazard. But there are many great you tube diyers that calmly break down the processes. And you can always pause them or go back at each step. But bravo for dropping the house work. They want to play a gender role game.. play the game and see how long she likes it. I grew up in an all hands on deck house. Animals need tending.. who's turn is it? House needs repainting, everyone put on grubbies and grab a brush. You tore your button off your shirt... the cookie tin is on the sewing machine. Have at it. But if she's so freaking handy and it's so simple... why doesn't she change the hinge? And maybe have him help hold the door. Use it as a bonding experience
Wow, most women would kill for a man who cooks and does dishes. Not every man is born knowing how to do door hinges I'm sure. Go find a woman (not a girl like you have now) and trust me they will appreciate everything you do
I feel it. I can't even mop a floor if someone is watching or gave me the task. My grandfather killed everything. Selfesteem, joy, happiness to learn something new. He was rude, I was a kid, not even 14. Yelling, crashing the tools out of my hands, telling me that I am a girl, of course I never will be able to do anything. Not even broom a floor. Bc of other things I was in therapy, working with this soft stone stuff. After a minute I cried like a baby with flashbacks, unable to move my hands. This man did so much for his girlfriend. And he fixed what was needed in his way, with a friend as a bridge or with professionals. I stand with him. Totally. And when he should be learning that stuff, I hope she does all the tasks that a housewife "should do". Everything. All of it. This story, this was sad. Really sad. He deserve better.
Mum and dad were born in the 1920’s, dad was the better cook and cleaner, mum was the Gardner and diy. They brought three daughters up to believe there are just jobs to be done, some of us are better at particular things . My husband does the lifting for me, he hods (holds) and I dod ( hit) I do the diy as I enjoy it. He cooks and I clean but it’s not a hard and fast rule.
Since he doesn't actually plan on becoming a "real" man, i.e. learn how to fix things and get over his childhood anxiety, his plan will backfire and result in his girlfriend deciding to leave for someone who isn't passive aggressive petty. The parents and girlfriend's tone seemed to imply that they meant "adult" when they said "man", not hyper masculinity. As in, an adult should be able to fix things, an adult would figure out how, an adult wouldn't make excuses about this. They don't care about the gendered division of labor, nor did they call him feminine for cleaning. That never came up.
I'm 38, still single, a surgeon. I would KILL to find a man who just excepted my career let alone maybe helped out with some of the stuff around the house. I hope that guy eventually finds a wonderful woman. He's clearly secure in his masculinity, not to mention a good partner and sharer of household task, and THOSE are some of the sexiest qualities of all!!!
But why didn't you tell her to fix the doorhinges herself, if she didn't like you to ask your friend? My husband did nearly all the cooking and discwashing, and I put up lamps fixed the computer and such. There is no reason in a relationship that one partner should do things because of gender, but all the reason in the world to do it because of inclination.
I am a woman and live alone in a house I own (well, there are cats). I can do a whole lot of chores by myself. If it's shameful that he can't change a hinge, it's equally shameful that she can't. Also, this woman should not have publicly shamed her husband. That's bad for any relationship. People need to support their friends and family.
NTA ... A real man know how to say I can't or I don't, and I need help, no matter what the situation maybe.
Definitely NTA. You already do so much for her, and I know all of it is more than I'd ever ask of my boyfriend. And nothing pisses me off like gender roles. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses and talents, so I disagree that every "man" should be able to fix things. You are no less of a man for not knowing how to fix a door handle(or hinge). In fact, I'd say if your girlfriend doesn't know the first thing about fixing a door, she has no room to judge. And to bring it up in front of her parents?! At the very least it got fixed, whether or not it was from the assistance of a friend. You don't need to prove anything to these people, you are man enough already. Sorry if that whole paragraph felt like a rant.
Instead of using "chore-time" to become a 'real' man, the time would be better spent finding another place to live. Let her come home and find an empty house (taking his belongings, not hers). She has taken him for granted, and will regret it. I see no future in him staying with her.
Ironic, since she doesnt do the "female" roles, such as cooking, cleaning. Which should be split equally since you both work. Sounds like she doesnt respect you & will always be that twisted person that runs to mommy & daddy to pull them into every single disagreement & belittle ppl for no reason other than to create drama. I couldn't be w someone like that. Even tho it pulls up painful memories, its still a good idea to know the basics. There were 5 of us girls & my dad taught us everything he could think of, from fixing a toilet to changing the oil. My husband does it now but handy when he isn't home or needs help. We work as a team. Couldn't imagine ever criticizing him. Esp just to humiliate him. In front of my parents. Im 50 & bet my dad would still bust my ask.
NTA. BUT you can improve your skills and contributions to this unhealthy judgenent-based relationship. NOT by feeling shamed. Your gf OBVIOUSLY has an IGNORANT view of what makes a man. Learning that "standard" from narrow-minded parents shows she's not overly interested in educating herself. And she seems to like humiliating you WITH family who one would THINK would be happy (grateful???) that ANYONE bothers with their spoiled and unfeeling kid. Which in fact might be partially your fault for spoiling their daughter. Hard to say this, but you can benefit from her outdated mindset by taking some classes and training seminars to learn traditional skills that you can do and likely very much enjoy. It's ok to bag a sandwich for dinner and run off to a class, and leave her with a sandwich to fend for herself. And take her to a seminar on how to build and repair household items so she can update her mindset and do it too. But if she shames you in public, go solo. Buy her a cookbook. ENJOY
NTA... I'm so sorry. Everyone deserves someone who appreciates and respects them for who they are. You have great qualities. Don't let someone who's ungrateful change that. She is not worthy. Go find your love.
You've been letting her treat you the way your father in that moment you recalled. No doubt she does it in a hundred other little it big ways. Abused or neglected children tend, as adults, to steer toward partners who embody the traits of the parent whose love was denied them. You "treat her like a queen", but at the same time, you let her belittle & wound you. Your readings are very personal & hurtful. She took that & made it group sport. Well, that apparently runs in their family. You accept it because you're still trying to feel worthy to someone that knocks down your sense of work. People usually go this route before they learn that they make their selves a worthy person. What you do, how you live, your values & morals, make your a worthy person. You just have to see that. You can go to the life & type of mutual love that YOU want. Find a person that feels & gives love & shows it to you. No king, no queen in relationships. Caring, sharing, helping, trusting. Love
Yep. Make her do all the sh*t you do because it's the "woman" thing to do. If she refuses, tell her she's not a real woman and that's exactly the mindset her and her family has. She's a gaslighting pos and deserves any negative bs at her job she gets. She's probably the cause of it all anyway.
Nta. You are welcome to come to my house and be as domestic as you like. I love diy tinkering (I'm female) love power tool projects, hate cooking and lets be real not too many people like cleaning but we do it. I would never expect my partner to have to know how to use or like to use tools so long as partner was participating/contributing to the relationship. Noone should judge your male or femaleness based on what tasks you know how to do or feel comfortable doing. In a relationship some tasks noone wants to do and should be shared or communication should commense so there is at least a fair feeling agreement but imho...hinge was broken girl asked you fix it, and you fixed it. It doesn't matter if you sought outside council, deligated, paid, or did it yourself. You did get the job done, correctly, as requested, in a timely manner. I think it is useful for everyone to have some basic home improvement skills because its damn expensive to hire it out and noone should feel helpless
It's a running joke that I'm the man of the house (I'm female) and i cant change door hinges. Idk what it is but trying to screw it into the door or wall (I've tried both ways) while balancing it and lining it up is really hard for me. I'll build an entire swing set or put together a cabinet any day. If anyone is wondering... the joke comes from an old neighbor who was a little old lady who was shook we were a house of girls with no men around to take care of fixing things or open jars and i was like... Wait. I do that.
My husband can ride a motorcycle and dirt bikes like nobody's business. But he is not a good handyman. And I am crazy about him. He also cries with me when watching chick flicks. Cried when we lost our 2 dogs to old age. Our house needs a few repairs, there was a time he just hired it out. Money is tight now. Oh well.
Does she not believe she should do anything then? Not only does the relationship seem one-sided when it comes to household duties, but her tearing down her bf in front of the parents because he isn't "manly enough" is a huge red flag.
I'm not sure what mix of ESH and NAH to go with here. Screw the rest of them... FiL was the only one who seemed to want to engage over projects. So call him, talk to him aside from the others. Tell him you were always berated and worse for not learning "handyman skills" quickly enough as a child and you have a lot of PTSD when it comes to doing so. And that you would like to learn but without the DD/Gf knowing because "as you just saw", she also thinks worse of me for it. I'm sure he would love the chance to bond and teach what he knows.
This man is carrying childhood trauma into the relationship. You need therapy OP. Now, your girlfriend is an A*****e for talking like that to her parents about you. You should really reconsider this relationship. They keep gaslighting you. She sounds like a mental abuser. You really need to get out of there. My sympathy.
Bro, gtfo of there! Next thing you know, they'll be telling you that you have to do EVERYTHING around the house! Cook, clean, shop, laundry, fix things EVERYTHING, and all they will do is sit on their asses while they make you kiss their feet and call them "Mistress", I can see it dude!
When I met my husband he has never built or fixed anything in his life. Never even used a drill before.. his mind was blown when I suggested we 'build' an outdoor cat enclosure instead of buying one pre made.. lol. He had never thought about DIY anything! Hahaha. It's just how he was raised. But once I taught him how to use tools properly and safely he turned into Tim the tool man Taylor.. he loves building & fixing s**t now. Even though he's not very great at a lot of the things he does. But he's learning. Idk why it's considered "manly" to know how to fix and build s**t! I'm a woman, my dad taught me how to repair everything around the house and used to take me to his job sites when he was a carpenter to help out. It how I was raised. My husband was raised in a more tech savvy home. Not very good at the hands on stuff. But great with electronics & s**t. We all have our strong suits. But he's not anymore manly now than before. Can we stop with this toxic masculinity s**t! Like... wtf?
Being a man means a lot of things but being there for you people is the number one 1 thing and that is different for every guy. I'm a handyman and family man myself but when it comes to certain jokes and jargons, sports, BBQs and other things that men should know is beyond me. The guy in the article should dump this bimbo if they want to pull this sexist stuff her and her folks put on the dude. He takes care of everything so you don't have to worry about home and that's how you treat him. She didn't even stick up for him, not a keeper.
Reminds me of that HIMYM episode when barney doesn't even know how to use a screwdriver -because he never have a dad, nobody taught him. As a person who learned many things, i often find myself on a position to laugh at others. Handy work around the house, electronics work, computers and gadgets, cars and engines. But i never belittle anyone. Once i visited my girlfriend's house, her parents was bragging about their children's foreign language proficiency, said something about "EVERYBODY should know more than one language nowadays". I just smiled. Long story short, i married their daughter and fixed basically everything in their house. Their loose doors, their awful cable works, smartphones, installed internet. And I found out that their sons are virtually useless around the house, they always count on me to fix stuff. They never brought up the language thing ever again. Moral of the story is, you might be good at some things, but nobody can be good at everything, sooner or later you're gonna have to ask others for help. So don't ridicule anyone, or brag about your skills.
If my kid was dating someone who didn't know how to do basic handy tasks, I would offer to show them, man or woman. It's fine to not know things, my parents never tought me to cook, i had to learn on my own. There are things that everyone should know how to do. But the most important thing is knowing how to not be psychologically abused by their partner. Get out of this relationship. You seem like a decent chap, she seems like an a*s
My daughter is our "handyman". For my husband and I... Or my ex, or my new SIL... And my husband is the best man i know ❤️
Your strategy sounds perfect, but only if you want to put your attention on the "manly"activities. I wouldn't do it only for spite...ok, I would for a while...she deserves it.
In my relationship, I'm the one fixing hinges, changing shower column etc, because I'm very handy and i like it. My partner isn't really great with handyman stuff, i don't mind and will never mind because he does stuff i don't like, like taking the trash out, and whenever i don't feel like it (which lately is very often due to depression) he'll cook, do laundry, clean (with some help) etc. I don't think not being good with tools makes a man bad partner, but i think that if a guy does whatever he can to contribute to the household, he's great partner and husband material.
Let's just acknowledge that the concept of a real man is still rooted in the patriarchy like women haven't been contributing to their own independence for the last nth decades ... it's sad to see men still subscribe to this and even sadder to see women that support their subscription to such archaic ideas ...
My partner is a disaster zone waiting to happen when it comes to DIY, she’s very keen but knows very little. I am less keen (like don’t want to do any DIY) but I’ve been taught a lot of skills by my parents and I’m a practical person. We make a good team, she provides the enthusiasm and I provide the skill. We are just ‘real’ people, nothing we do is a man’s job or a woman’s job, it’s just jobs. If your team / partnership has all the skills required and the drive to do them then you ought to count you blessings, otherwise save up and pay someone else to do it or learn, you’ll make mistakes but that’s where the laughter is and the learning is better when there’s a c**k up or two going on! 😀
This is some toxic and backward s**t. I agree it's helpful if SOMEONE around the house can do a bit handywork, but it doesn't have to be the guy. I was a single mom for 8 years and I can do all sorts of stuff. Our neighbors are a couple, she is a tiny and very girly woman who does all the handy stuff around the house.
Start with something small that might require a few tools and it won't matter if you mess up. Like a bird house. YouTube really is great for step by step instructional videos on EVERYTHING. Once you gain some confidence you can move on to other things. Or don't... you are no less of a man for not being able to fix things and you sound like a pretty great partner for all that you do for her. It sucks when people feed into toxic masculinity and I'm especially sorry it's your SO. I'm also sorry your dad made you feel like that. He was wrong and you didn't deserve it. Hang in there!
I feel this too often. Thankfully not from my partner who's amazing although we do throw good natured jabs at each other from time to time but from her parents occasionally mine and even now and then society at large. As a stay at home dad I get that c**p all the time and have to explain after lots of personal experience and research we decided time with our children was more important than any income and one of us would stay home at all times. She made more money and really enjoys her job and I don't get as frustrated with the kids and love teaching them new things. Old dynamics became outdated for a reason. People are not identical and there is no cookie cutter method to success. A partnership is exactly that - you shore up one another's weaknesses and marvel at each other's strength. That's what has made my relationship work so well for about a dozen years now.
Total and complete " Cry Baby" this loser is. If you are supposedly grown up enough to buy a house . Yet to learn the No Brainer skills off fixing your own property just to lazy and stupid whiner
116
91