Teen Would Lose $7M If She Came Out As Gay, Uncle Asks If He Was A Jerk To Tell Her To Stay In The Closet
Our decisions are rarely black and white. They’re usually grey. Full of nuance. Even the ones that look straightforward at first can turn into real head scratchers and heart tearers.
(Un)fortunately, Reddit user ThrowAwayz201301 has just had to teach this to his 17-year-old niece.
You see, the teen revealed to her uncle that she’s planning to tell the whole world she’s a lesbian. As supportive as he considers himself to be of her, the man, however, advised her to wait a little while longer—as this would make her rich biggot grandpa remove her from his multi-million dollar will.
At first, the uncle was confident he made the right choice when informing the teen about the retaliation. But after talking to his wife, he’s no longer so sure about telling his niece she has to suppress her identity. So he told the whole story to the subreddit ‘Am I the [Jerk]?‘, asking its members to share their take on it.
This 17-year-old wanted to tell her family that she’s a lesbian
Image credits:cottonbro (not the actual photo)
But her uncle said it would cost her 7 million dollars
Image credits: Kampus Production (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ThrowAwayz201301
Coming out is often portrayed as a one-time experience. The stereotype paints a picture of a young LGBTQ+ individual accepting themself and deciding to disclose it to everyone in their lives. They are then met with love and acceptance. Nowadays, they might even get a party.
But this simplified view minimizes the complexity of the process, which, as we can see, in reality, can be a series of coming-outs.
Mental health clinician, supervisor, educator, and advocate Shainna Ali Ph.D., said that LGBTQ+ people face a number of stressors when considering telling the world the truth, and are plagued by questions such as:
- Will ____ understand?
- Will ____ still treat me the same way?
- Will ____ judge me?
- Will ____ be angry?
- Will ____ be sad?
- Will ____ hurt me?
- Will I lose my job?
- Will I lose my home?
- Will I be safe?
Enduring these stressors, LGBTQ+ individuals feel lonely, disconnected, confused, sad, ashamed, fearful, angry, and vulnerable. These stressors help to explain the unfortunate statistic that LGBTQ+ folks are more than twice as likely as heterosexuals to experience a serious mental health concern.
The original poster of the story (OP) joined the discussion in the comments to clarify some details
“I never thought I’d have trouble coming out,” Monnica T. Williams, Ph.D., ABPP, who is a licensed clinical psychologist and associate professor at the University of Ottawa in the School of Psychology, said.
“I grew up in a relatively progressive American city, and in a time after many states had already legalized marriage equality — the right to marry regardless of sexual orientation. But sure enough, when I began my first relationship with another woman at the age of 26, I was feeling a lot of negative emotions I never thought I would experience. Coming out in a city smack in the middle of the Bible Belt and growing up Catholic really did a number on my newly gay self-identity. Thoughts like ‘this is wrong’ and ‘I’m a sinner’ would literally come into my head when just kissing my new girlfriend.”
Although some people had a hard time coming up with a verdict, most said that the OP did the right thing
Williams said internalized homophobia can be exacerbated by a number of factors. “Certain religious beliefs are a major key player in the impact of internalized homophobia. Some religions promote messages that express bias and animus toward LGBTQ+ people and condemn us as a group.”
However, it’s important to mention that religion is not the only reason behind these negative feelings and not all religions condemn people for being LGBTQ+ in the first place.
“Societal beliefs and social support definitely play a role as well,” Williams added. “Oftentimes, people develop internalized homophobia due to negative messages they received from society as a whole about LGBTQ+ people, from public debates on sex education to reports of discrimination.”
According to the psychologist, many people are afraid of coming out due to rejection from their family members and friends based on media reports of family rejection, and these unfortunate realities can further exacerbate the experience of internalized homophobia.
Let’s hope the 17-year-old won’t lose the courage to be herself, no matter how she proceeds.
LGBTQ+ folks also joined the discussion to share their perspective
Oh, yeah, I'd keep it to myself and then bring the grandfather a rainbow bouquet to his grave every year.
I would stay in the closet and once I got tha moolah a HUGE chunk would go to a LGBTQ+ Charity...in his name of course!! hehehe
Big enough for them to put his name on something. Bigot Grandpa LGBTQ Centre. Lol.
Load More Replies...
The first time I read the post the heading was "Am I the jerk for making my niece stay in the closet" and I freaked out so bad! Like I thought the dude locked his niece in the closet😶
NTA, 7 million dollars and she is set basically for the rest of her life, hell she can be an activist. Coming out only hurts her, thus longterm security for shortterm impulse. Almost always going with short-term is a mistake
He's not even saying stay in the closet from EVERYONE for another year - she could still tell all her friends, classmates, parents, potential new partners, etc (assuming none are the type to tattle on her to the grandfather). I'd call it less "staying in the closet" and more "keeping it secret from a bigot to get that payout."
Too risky... I'd stay put just in case someone tells the grandparents...
Load More Replies...
I think they all missed a point. Her father is supposedly terminally ill. That is reason enough for not telling your dad, this kind of dad, you are a lesbian. It won't help either one of them to part in bitterness and sadness. The burden of knowing that she has a parent that would not accept her for who she is, is one that she will have to carry, regardless if she tells him about it or not. No need to add guilty feelings to that.
If I were her, I would rather avoid Grandpa hating me and get the money. Even if there wasn't money involved I probably wouldn't pick a fight fight with a dying man, no matter how much of a bigoted jackass he is. I am gay whether or not he knows or agrees.
Load More Replies...
Two years is a LONG time, especially when you're young and afraid to be yourself lest somebody tattle, and when you don't know for sure that it will really only be 2 years. That said, it's 100% her choice, an extremely potent benefit, and she can change her mind at any point (say, if the man's health has improved and she meets someone she wants to marry, or needs to rush marriage for legal reasons, or whatever - the point is that it's her choice). No assholes here.
In my opinion the best way to one up the bigoted Grandfather, is to inherit his money despite being gay.
NTA. It's easy to say that people should be free to be who they are irrespective of consequences, but when you start talking about real money and not just theoretical circumstances, well, $hit gets real in a hurry. Seven million dollars can make a closet seem less confining for a couple of years.
I think every person able to use logic would have given that advise, especially when it's such a life changing amount. What are 1 or 2 years of silence about the own sexuality when it can pay for education, healthcare (from a US perspective) and a life without financial trouble?
She should stay in the closet until he pass. Cuz if he do find out, she will probably never see that 7 mill and would likely have to work a job for the rest of her life. Whereas if she waits till he is gone, she can inherit it and will not have to work for a really long time and be well off and have some freedom
Yep, keep quiet and get the money. Then give some of that homophobe's money to LGTBQ+ causes. I would derive a LOT of satisfaction from that alone.
For 7.m....m...7 MILLON BUCKS? I would f*cking go back in that closet and date a chick for 20 years even after they died for that money! {I'm male/demi/gay}
My WHOLE family is Skittles People. 😁 You go get nice and comfy in that closet and as soon as that twat of a bigot is gone, you live your fabulous life! 🌈🌈🌈
As an out (mostly) bi person I would 100% stay in the closet for 7 mil.
A fellow bi person!🎉 I would do the same as I’m not out yet and I’m not a 100% if I actualy am bi.
Load More Replies...
I think it is up to the girl herself. She is almost an adult and that is her choice to make. My family has a huge farm in Illinois that is worth millions but my family are also horrible racist whom I cannot stand to be in the same room with. I told my grandfather that if he said the n-word one more time I would hop on a plane and that would be the last time he ever saw me. He did so I did. Haven't talked to him in over a decade and even forgot his name, ironic since the last thing I said to him was "My children will never know your name." Anyway, I could have had a really substantial inheritance, I still could, if I go to Christmas with my family and pretend to like them. But that is not going to happen because I make enough to pay my bills and I would rather not have millions than speak to my terrible family. Also, I am happy to let them know that I find them so repulsive that they literally could not pay me to come see them.
Not the ah . I'd turn gay for $7 million lmfao . I'm kidding , but honestly no point in her losing out on that money . I didn't tell my grandparents what I was doing or thinking sexually at 17 . It's not a matter of selling out or being ashamed ... it's a matter of outlasting some hateful people to get what you deserve. Then buy an airplane to skywrite your coming out
NTA - I've always said to people who ask me advice on coming out is that waiting until you know you have a safe space etc to fall back on if family doesn't accept you, is an absolute MUST. I had some issues with my father when I came out. (he's more accepting now, thankfully) but at least I was allowed to stay in my home. I know of other LGBTQIA kids that have been kicked out, outcast by their families. And whilst the situation is a little different here given that OP's parents are accepting even if their grandparents are not... millions of dollars is a crazy amount of money and if OP's daughter is sensible, she'll be set for life. Not to mention I love the idea of being petty and using said money first for the purchase of a luxurious rainbow or lesbian flag colour bouquet for the grandparents funeral ;) That said, it's ultimately the daughters choice, she can at the very least act her true self with her parents, just not around extended family just in case. It sucks, but I'd talk it over with her.
I could also wait till grandpa was taking his last breath and lean in and tell him "I'm gay" just as he goes, and we all would know those big wide eyes as he died is from seeing a rainbow coated grim reaper
Don't tell the old fart and let him twist in his grave when she finally comes out and can live her new, fabulous rich life.
How can anyone say he is the AH?? LGBT+ people stay in the closet usually for survival and he told his niece that so she could inherit a substantial amount of money, THAT'S an ally. His wife, I'm glad that she apologized, but either she's straight and wants to be the righteous white knight or she didn't think it that much upfront.
yeah so im a lesbian and if i could choose one personally i would choose to stay in the closet for my own safety cause u never know how homophobes can be and 7 million dollars is a lot of money and most definitely can help you on later in life so i’d rather just keep it to myself, wait until they die and then i’d bring a bouquet of flowers in the lesbian flag colors to their graves every year just to spite them ngl so he is nta a*****e at all, the only people who are are the grandparents
answer here is simple - walk into a restaurant with 7M and you can eat anything you want. Walk in with your convictions and you go hungry. Not a hill worth dying on considering the stakes. Her coming out will have little if any effect on anyone but her ( losing a large sum of $) whereas with that money she could live well and even set up a scholarship endowment for other folks and actually do a bit of good in the world.
Oh hell no. First off, there's a difference between staying in the closet with your family and staying in the closet completely. She could still go out and enjoy her life as she pleases as long as she's careful not to tell homophobe gramps about it. It's not like she has to lie to literally everyone. Second, I understand there are issues with not being your authentic self, but gay people have to protect themselves from bigots and homophobes all the time and make choices to not announce they're gay in certain places and with certain people. Unfortunately that's just how it is in this country. She might as well gain something from it this time. From what I read, I don't think there's any benefit to coming out to him. He's not going to magically accept it. He's a homophobe, that probably won't change. I feel like the cost to benefit of coming out is too high. There's nothing noble about turning away an opportunity to make any financial choice you want in life.
As someone who plans to stay in the closet until my parents pay for my college (currently 15) I fully endorse this plan. (My sister and mom are the only people who know I'm a lesbian, none of them know I'm Non-binary. My dad and his parents are the mainly homophobic/transphobic ones and my mom has agreed not to tell him or anyone else about my being a lesbian.)
I'm gay and spent years closeted, and I'm not at all sure what I would have done in the niece's situation. I would have felt just a bit dirty taking that money under basically false pretenses. It is a lot of money, but money like this tends to come with lots of strings attached, most of which are injurious to one's dignity. At the same time, I'm not sure coming out to a bigot is ever a safe or preferable option.
Honestly, if she had to be convinced to keep her mouth shut that she is gay until the oldtimers kick the bucket so she can be gay with 7 million, she is an idiot. I get it, some gay people need to tell the world that they are gay. However, except raging homphobes, nobody f*****g cares that they are gay.
This has already been resolved - the wife said she had a knee-jerk reaction at first but now agrees with his advice.
Yea but I'm assuming neither OP nor his wife are part of the LGBTQ+ community and he just wanted to make sure he wasn't out of line, I think it was good he was making sure his actions were ok
Load More Replies...
What on earth are you gibbering about? This is about a person's sexuality and nothing to do with their gender identity or their sex. The OP is gay not trans, gender identity and sexual orientation are two totally separate things.
Load More Replies... Oh, yeah, I'd keep it to myself and then bring the grandfather a rainbow bouquet to his grave every year.
I would stay in the closet and once I got tha moolah a HUGE chunk would go to a LGBTQ+ Charity...in his name of course!! hehehe
Big enough for them to put his name on something. Bigot Grandpa LGBTQ Centre. Lol.
Load More Replies... The first time I read the post the heading was "Am I the jerk for making my niece stay in the closet" and I freaked out so bad! Like I thought the dude locked his niece in the closet😶
NTA, 7 million dollars and she is set basically for the rest of her life, hell she can be an activist. Coming out only hurts her, thus longterm security for shortterm impulse. Almost always going with short-term is a mistake
He's not even saying stay in the closet from EVERYONE for another year - she could still tell all her friends, classmates, parents, potential new partners, etc (assuming none are the type to tattle on her to the grandfather). I'd call it less "staying in the closet" and more "keeping it secret from a bigot to get that payout."
Too risky... I'd stay put just in case someone tells the grandparents...
Load More Replies... I think they all missed a point. Her father is supposedly terminally ill. That is reason enough for not telling your dad, this kind of dad, you are a lesbian. It won't help either one of them to part in bitterness and sadness. The burden of knowing that she has a parent that would not accept her for who she is, is one that she will have to carry, regardless if she tells him about it or not. No need to add guilty feelings to that.
If I were her, I would rather avoid Grandpa hating me and get the money. Even if there wasn't money involved I probably wouldn't pick a fight fight with a dying man, no matter how much of a bigoted jackass he is. I am gay whether or not he knows or agrees.
Load More Replies... Two years is a LONG time, especially when you're young and afraid to be yourself lest somebody tattle, and when you don't know for sure that it will really only be 2 years. That said, it's 100% her choice, an extremely potent benefit, and she can change her mind at any point (say, if the man's health has improved and she meets someone she wants to marry, or needs to rush marriage for legal reasons, or whatever - the point is that it's her choice). No assholes here.
In my opinion the best way to one up the bigoted Grandfather, is to inherit his money despite being gay.
NTA. It's easy to say that people should be free to be who they are irrespective of consequences, but when you start talking about real money and not just theoretical circumstances, well, $hit gets real in a hurry. Seven million dollars can make a closet seem less confining for a couple of years.
I think every person able to use logic would have given that advise, especially when it's such a life changing amount. What are 1 or 2 years of silence about the own sexuality when it can pay for education, healthcare (from a US perspective) and a life without financial trouble?
She should stay in the closet until he pass. Cuz if he do find out, she will probably never see that 7 mill and would likely have to work a job for the rest of her life. Whereas if she waits till he is gone, she can inherit it and will not have to work for a really long time and be well off and have some freedom
Yep, keep quiet and get the money. Then give some of that homophobe's money to LGTBQ+ causes. I would derive a LOT of satisfaction from that alone.
For 7.m....m...7 MILLON BUCKS? I would f*cking go back in that closet and date a chick for 20 years even after they died for that money! {I'm male/demi/gay}
My WHOLE family is Skittles People. 😁 You go get nice and comfy in that closet and as soon as that twat of a bigot is gone, you live your fabulous life! 🌈🌈🌈
As an out (mostly) bi person I would 100% stay in the closet for 7 mil.
A fellow bi person!🎉 I would do the same as I’m not out yet and I’m not a 100% if I actualy am bi.
Load More Replies... I think it is up to the girl herself. She is almost an adult and that is her choice to make. My family has a huge farm in Illinois that is worth millions but my family are also horrible racist whom I cannot stand to be in the same room with. I told my grandfather that if he said the n-word one more time I would hop on a plane and that would be the last time he ever saw me. He did so I did. Haven't talked to him in over a decade and even forgot his name, ironic since the last thing I said to him was "My children will never know your name." Anyway, I could have had a really substantial inheritance, I still could, if I go to Christmas with my family and pretend to like them. But that is not going to happen because I make enough to pay my bills and I would rather not have millions than speak to my terrible family. Also, I am happy to let them know that I find them so repulsive that they literally could not pay me to come see them.
Not the ah . I'd turn gay for $7 million lmfao . I'm kidding , but honestly no point in her losing out on that money . I didn't tell my grandparents what I was doing or thinking sexually at 17 . It's not a matter of selling out or being ashamed ... it's a matter of outlasting some hateful people to get what you deserve. Then buy an airplane to skywrite your coming out
NTA - I've always said to people who ask me advice on coming out is that waiting until you know you have a safe space etc to fall back on if family doesn't accept you, is an absolute MUST. I had some issues with my father when I came out. (he's more accepting now, thankfully) but at least I was allowed to stay in my home. I know of other LGBTQIA kids that have been kicked out, outcast by their families. And whilst the situation is a little different here given that OP's parents are accepting even if their grandparents are not... millions of dollars is a crazy amount of money and if OP's daughter is sensible, she'll be set for life. Not to mention I love the idea of being petty and using said money first for the purchase of a luxurious rainbow or lesbian flag colour bouquet for the grandparents funeral ;) That said, it's ultimately the daughters choice, she can at the very least act her true self with her parents, just not around extended family just in case. It sucks, but I'd talk it over with her.
I could also wait till grandpa was taking his last breath and lean in and tell him "I'm gay" just as he goes, and we all would know those big wide eyes as he died is from seeing a rainbow coated grim reaper
Don't tell the old fart and let him twist in his grave when she finally comes out and can live her new, fabulous rich life.
How can anyone say he is the AH?? LGBT+ people stay in the closet usually for survival and he told his niece that so she could inherit a substantial amount of money, THAT'S an ally. His wife, I'm glad that she apologized, but either she's straight and wants to be the righteous white knight or she didn't think it that much upfront.
yeah so im a lesbian and if i could choose one personally i would choose to stay in the closet for my own safety cause u never know how homophobes can be and 7 million dollars is a lot of money and most definitely can help you on later in life so i’d rather just keep it to myself, wait until they die and then i’d bring a bouquet of flowers in the lesbian flag colors to their graves every year just to spite them ngl so he is nta a*****e at all, the only people who are are the grandparents
answer here is simple - walk into a restaurant with 7M and you can eat anything you want. Walk in with your convictions and you go hungry. Not a hill worth dying on considering the stakes. Her coming out will have little if any effect on anyone but her ( losing a large sum of $) whereas with that money she could live well and even set up a scholarship endowment for other folks and actually do a bit of good in the world.
Oh hell no. First off, there's a difference between staying in the closet with your family and staying in the closet completely. She could still go out and enjoy her life as she pleases as long as she's careful not to tell homophobe gramps about it. It's not like she has to lie to literally everyone. Second, I understand there are issues with not being your authentic self, but gay people have to protect themselves from bigots and homophobes all the time and make choices to not announce they're gay in certain places and with certain people. Unfortunately that's just how it is in this country. She might as well gain something from it this time. From what I read, I don't think there's any benefit to coming out to him. He's not going to magically accept it. He's a homophobe, that probably won't change. I feel like the cost to benefit of coming out is too high. There's nothing noble about turning away an opportunity to make any financial choice you want in life.
As someone who plans to stay in the closet until my parents pay for my college (currently 15) I fully endorse this plan. (My sister and mom are the only people who know I'm a lesbian, none of them know I'm Non-binary. My dad and his parents are the mainly homophobic/transphobic ones and my mom has agreed not to tell him or anyone else about my being a lesbian.)
I'm gay and spent years closeted, and I'm not at all sure what I would have done in the niece's situation. I would have felt just a bit dirty taking that money under basically false pretenses. It is a lot of money, but money like this tends to come with lots of strings attached, most of which are injurious to one's dignity. At the same time, I'm not sure coming out to a bigot is ever a safe or preferable option.
Honestly, if she had to be convinced to keep her mouth shut that she is gay until the oldtimers kick the bucket so she can be gay with 7 million, she is an idiot. I get it, some gay people need to tell the world that they are gay. However, except raging homphobes, nobody f*****g cares that they are gay.
This has already been resolved - the wife said she had a knee-jerk reaction at first but now agrees with his advice.
Yea but I'm assuming neither OP nor his wife are part of the LGBTQ+ community and he just wanted to make sure he wasn't out of line, I think it was good he was making sure his actions were ok
Load More Replies... What on earth are you gibbering about? This is about a person's sexuality and nothing to do with their gender identity or their sex. The OP is gay not trans, gender identity and sexual orientation are two totally separate things.
Load More Replies... 
96
57