30 Times Male Authors Showed They Barely Know Anything About Women Interview
Making a character in a book seem realistic and interesting is no easy task. It’s not down to just your skills as a writer, though. You actually have to know a bit about who you’re writing about. In other words—do your research. Unfortunately, there are some male writers out there who seem to have major problems writing female characters and seem shy about asking their female friends for advice.
That’s where the ‘Men Write Women’ Twitter page comes in. It documents the scariest and most cringe-worthy examples of men writing about women without having any idea about them or their anatomy. Scroll down and read for yourselves, dear Pandas, because some of these examples have to be seen to be believed—that’s how unreal they are. Remember to upvote the best of the worst.
The project was started back in 2019 when Meghan Vondriska launched her version of the ‘Men Writing Women’ Reddit community. Now, the ‘Men Write Women’ Twitter page has 63k followers and there are 666 fans who follow their Instagram page. Very spooky and perfect for Halloween. "Women just want to be written as human. That's it. There isn't some wild scientific equation to writing women, and it isn't difficult. Write them as human, with complex feelings, not as body parts that happen to be put together into a feminine form," Vondriska told Bored Panda.
More info: Twitter | Instagram | MegVondriska.com
This post may include affiliate links.
We Don’t Get Real Pockets In Pants Because We Have Tiny Purses In Our Vaginas!!! (Stuart Woods, Desperate Measures)
Is that possible? (Don't judge. I don't do vaginas, so they're a bit of mystery to me)
"I'm an avid reader, but the straw that broke the camel's back was a novel my boyfriend lent me, where the female character was described by her breasts and the male character was described by his personality. Working in advertising, I tend to be Very Online, and so taking my anger to Twitter seemed like a natural parallel. I was familiar with the Men Writing Women subreddit, but created a Twitter account in order to craft a consistent narrative and to build a community that wasn't hidden behind anonymity," Vondriska revealed what inspired her to create 'Men Write Women.'
Vondriska, from Wisconsin, devours 3 to 5 books each week. (Meanwhile, our piles of started-but-unfinished books keep on growing.)
According to the founder of the 'Men Write Women' Twitter page, a lot of male writers who tend to be thought of as the "founders of the literary canon" are continuous offenders. "John Updike, for instance. But the greatest repeat offender is definitely Stephen King. His portrayal of his female characters is honestly offensive," Vondriska said.
Yes, Men Would Be Amaaazing At Handling Pregnancy - Evolution Really Screwed This One Up. Bonus Points For “No Woman Gets Raped Unless She’s Looking For It.”
I feel like this idiot may also be a sitting member of Congress. https://time.com/3001785/todd-akin-legitimate-rape-msnbc-child-of-rape/
Well Damn, Where Are All My Kids Then??
But did she have a tiny purse in her vagina? Just big enough for her drivers license?
Let's Not Forget This Gem Either
Just imagine the reverse: "every hair in my beard becoming a tiny penis"
However, it isn't all doom and gloom in the literary world. There are male writers who can write women well, too. "Terry Pratchett is wonderful, and I've yet to see a submission from Michael Crichton," Vondriska shared that she, like many of us, is a Pratchett fan.
Vondriska also pointed out that, in her opinion, the best writers are well-read. So she encouraged all of us to read more and (most importantly) read more widely.
"Pay attention to what you're reading, and who you're reading. You have to make sure your bookshelf isn't made up of just men. Add in some spice—some female authors, some nonbinary authors, authors of color. And lastly, just because you were assigned a book in high school, doesn't mean its good!"
Ugly Women Without Good Personalities Should Kill Themselves [rivers Of London By Ben Aaronovitch]
![Ugly Women Without Good Personalities Should Kill Themselves [rivers Of London By Ben Aaronovitch]](https://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/5f97eccca5486_85gsxgu3r6s41__700.jpg "Ugly Women Without Good Personalities Should Kill Themselves [rivers Of London By Ben Aaronovitch]")
That's Not How Any Of This Works
Unsurprisingly, The Book's Terrible Writing From A "Proclaimed" Writer Does Not End Here (The Wedding Plot, Jeffrey Eugenides)
Boobs are testicles. They don't "withdraw" because there is muscle and a rib cage underneath and they are just mounds of fat and milk producing tissue. I feel like so many people here did not pay attention in health class. How can they be so clueless about the female body?
Male Authors Writing Women Are Actually Just Horror Stories And Here's Why
Ah Yes, Exactly How I'd Describe Myself (The Diamond Age, Neal Stephenson)
Woman: "I'm SO HOT omg." Dude: "Just like my dead wife." What?!
She's Eleven And Scared But Let's Talk About Her Nipples
Be Horrified With The Rest Of Us
Men like Conde should not be surprised that sexy women love other women, and he really should try to help that male chauvinism.
Plz Put This On My Tombstone #submission (The Dogs, Scott Smith)
Barbie doesn't have a vagina. Would anyone describe a man as " Bob- sweet, green eyed bob, with his short red hair, his musky skin and his Ken doll penis"?
*me To My Friend* Excuse Me, May I Please Borrow Your Eyeballs?
She Was Flesh And Blood, Not The 2D Woman He Was Used To Objectifying On Television, And For That She Was All The More Special (A Time On Earth, Vihelm Moberg)
Literally No Woman Would Ever Do This (Misterioso, Arne Dahl)
Well she might if she wants him to go away. And since it appears he is creeping on her in her sleep that might be her goal. The bigger problem appears to be that he feels like he as a right to sex
Only Sluts Have Hairy Legs (The Things They Carried, Tim O'brien)
dry sounds like she just needs to use more lotion. dry skin is horribly itchy
Wish I Had Pillowy Breasts! Taken From Ben Fountain’s Brief Encounters With Che Guevara
I'm more concerned by the fact he seems to routinely check out boys' butts and uses that as the benchmark of sexy.
The Rest Reads “Dad Is Looking Like He Made A Better Decision Every Year”. What?!?
This Is A Totally Anatomically Normal Thing For Breasts To Do #submission (We Can Remember It For You Wholesale, Philip Dick)
#menwritingwomen No Wonder Some Of Them Think Our Breasts Stop Us From Doing Stuff If They Think We’re As Obsessed As They Are. We Can’t Get Away From Them. Oh Must Do This Important Thing But Wait!
Well this seems to reinforce every ugly stereotype of men being sex crazed horndogs
'the Shining', By Stephen King. Its Always Breasts
Note: this post originally had 78 images. It’s been shortened to the top 29 images based on user votes.
I am suddenly very aware that my breasts are complete underachievers. Does anyone know how I train them to do even half the things listed in this post? Most of the Boobs here seem to have the intelligence and sentience of the average 4 year old human child. I've just tried, but I can't even get mine to express mild disapproval. :-(
I'm beginning to think my breasts are just a couple of freeloaders, is there someway I can motivate them into doing something more than just hanging out and getting in the way?
send them to the military. they can become surface to air missles
I had no idea that my breasts were such underachievers until I read these excerpts. They really need to step up their game.
Then they need to get a boob job.
Right? I need to find some boob teacher!
Maybe you just need to borrow eyes from someone beautiful to see them differently?
Mine too. They need to pull their own weight dang it!
Miss Milinky -
wait sentience
Andy boi Good response!
Andy boi like
Andy boi follower
I am amazed at how many have a tenuous understanding at best of female anatomy and how they anthropomorphize breasts and give them more personality than their female characters.
The problem here is that women are nothing but sexual objects to these types of men.
The characters they describe are boobs attached to women.
Evil Little Thing haha
Just read "The Magicians" Half the book is talking about someone having sex
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LOGAN HUNTER -
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But is that really a problem for them? Maybe they like it that way
They anthropomorphize their penises, so apparently they actually believe that breasts and nipples have minds of their own. Now all we need is something in the courts that says if a woman's nipples get hard during her testimony against her rapist, then she is a liar and her books gave her away.
Sheta Kaey +
Sheta Kaey good
Challenge: describe yourselves in the style of these entries. I myself am tall, dark haired and willowy, with eyes like winter ice and breasts that are furious at the world around me.
No, go and describe men in the way these authors describe women. There will be so many confused and frowning penises!
The self proclaimed author reclined on the bed in a way that seemed to be trying to channel the Lotharios' of old. It wasn't working. His dark, penny-sized nipples were straining against the fabric of his cheap polyester shirt. A wild bramble of chest hair sprouted from around the unstarched collar, reaching desperately for the light - a woodland you could find yourself lost in. I suddenly wished for a machete, pruning shears...a ride on lawn mower. Anything. He smiled at me - wet lipped and eager, "My dear, your breasts look physically repulsed!" "No, that's just my face," I said, backing away slowly.
As the man walked up to me, it was clear that he wasn't going to be much of a writer...after all how could he be, with only 43 disappointing hairs crossing his shiny expanse of a crown? Crestfallen, my breasts took in the rest of him: if he only took off those glasses, i muttered to myself, he would be almost tolerable. After all, the moisture-wicking fabric stretched over his atrophied muscles clearly showed what used to be a functional set of abs. And as my breast eyes feasted further south, searching desperately for a reason, any reason at all, to bed this man, i hit upon it....his Ken-Doll penis was alive, and waiting. I thought, what the hell? He might be a writer after all.
Jessica Bertram haha
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virginia-ema what
Had she only had good breasts, a surgically narrowed waist, and hips unsuited for childbirth, truly, he might have considered her. Alas, she simply had good legs, a high IQ, a great personality... And, it turned out, one hell of a right hook when he told her she should dye her hair red to at least become interesting.
He stood there confused, bless his little blond head. The cold wind made his nipples stand out like the buttons on the microwave he used to warm up his TV dinners. His biceps tried to seduce me, so precisely set into those fabric tubes also called sleeves. I was caught off guard, and almost found him attractive for a second. But then I thought of his Ken doll penis - hard, yes, but also non-existent. Pass, I thought to myself, still smiling.
@Miss Milinky that was BRILLIANT! I laughed so hard my stomach hurt.
He sat across the room trying to subtly flirt with any female who would catch sight of him. He had practiced flexing his nipples so strenuously that they could cut through a Thanksgiving turkey. He looked like the kind of man that would take the greatest care of his testicles lest they resent his neglectfulness and rebel against him. Even though I suspected he couldn't stretch his penis to touch g-spots and retract it to fit in his tight shorts like most men could, I decided to steer clear of him. He was trying too hard. If he really wanted to achieve his goals of wooing the ladies so to speak, he wouldn't keep such a lukewarm, yet icy cold 5 o'clock shadow.
His nipples frowned at me, sperm-stick drooping in displeasure. "But why not, dearest, most extravagant lady? Your breasts are like a birthday cake- huge, filling, and delicious." "Excuse me I think my pad just fell out btw I'm like 36 and ugly so yeah bye"
Lol
He walked up to me and Pulled a tissue out of his penis and dotted my face with it.
Jessica Bertram: LOL! That was exacly the pseudo fancy style some writers described their vision of the women in front of them!! If only they were a bit prettier/younger etc... they might be an acceptable to look at, kind of worthy "woman" (= legs/boobs he'd miss if she died).
yes.
The man flung himself dramatically onto the couch, his thin, sallow lips curved into a pout. He was handsome, no doubt, with a firm, strong chest, thick, muscular buttocks, and a rather average size c**k. Upon seeing the girl enter the room, his c**k hardened instantly as he saw her gorgeous body.
Ljdia, Thank you! 🤣
Teucer T that is true but males are usaly more sexist then females
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Female authors do... And jist as badly.
Not seeing where he was walking, he penised penisedly into a wall while she laughed so hard she boobed boobily into a lamppost.
LOL
S. like
Short and dumpy and therefore invisible, my flowing silver hair cascades over breasts that once did a phd but now would struggle with elementary maths.
Awesome! My breasts have difficulty with math. Tutoring has not helped them.
Just saying haha
She had dark curly hair, big round eyes, and more facial hair than women usual have. She wouldn't shave it though. Feminists, amirite? You could tell she was ethnic by her facial traits and hairiness, but she was somehow white and spoke with a local accent. Where was she from? She had the kind of curves black women have, juicy thick ass cheeks and cantaloup sized breasts. She claimed she was bisexual, which made no sense because she was married to a man.
Kiki Castro yes
Tall, brown hair, (random flavored) skin, pale skin, and breasts that screamed "BISH DONT LOOK AT ME".
I am short, yes billowy. I have a butt that a quarter get lost in, and my breasts are somewhat reluctant to meet the world.
Short, with raven hair, and boobs that seem in a constant state of mild surprise and/or confusion!
pusheen buttercup yes
I would not be described in the slightest detail because I'm a man.
You would get a well thought out personality and backstory instead
I am short and plump, with indignant hair and boobs. BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES!!!
Lol
Jane Sullivan Good response!
Maeve O’Loughlin love
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Maeve O’Loughlin what
I was the US print buyer for an international glass company (think FAST) My boss's frat brother had started a printing company and wanted our business. Knowing I had no intention of switching companies (and that it as entirely my decision) , my boss set up a meet & greet, just for show. Now, back in the day - I was much thinner and pretty hot. Wearing the company V-neck sweater, I met with Ed. Even before we went into the conference room he was staring at my bust (which has always been a blessing & a curse). As I was introducing myself, he was just staring at my boobs. I asked him a few questions and he literally ANSWERED MY BOOBS. I'd had enough and bent my head down to meet his eyes and said, "They don't speak, Ed". He turned purple, my boss almost fell off his chair laughing & I just calmly left the room. No. He did not get our business.
I'd upvote you twice, if I could!
Same lol
Who the ever-loving f**k publishes this crap? HOW did *these* end up in production, on a shelf and then get bought?!
Amazon, self-publishing. Anyone can do it.
Everyone who intends to write a physical description needs to attend one autopsy, start to finish, for a person of each gender. You lose the mystique and the stupid pretty quick that way.
I went to the cadaver lab with my high school anatomy class. Plus I get extra bonus points because a student forgot to properly um... store his cadaver, so I now know we're all just a bunch of sentient beef jerky.
Depending on weather, beef soup is also possible
Cori no
Cori like
What is with these men's obsession with female breasts? Among many other problematic stuff. And even little girls. Yuck!
I’m with you. Men really have no idea how to write a decent female character without falling for all these tropes listed imo
Omg why
How far authors go to give visual descriptions and feelings, but instead miss the point entirely and end up writing the most ridiculous things. But we shouldn't just mention the authors, as the books are always reviewed by editors and many others, and not a single person though about questioning these things...
Likely because most of them were also men
That, and according to an editor acquaintance of mine, this often IS what you get after they've edited out much worse.
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Another anti men comment. What have you got against them?
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Looloo yes
anniegal no
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louvrehvsem love
anniegal haha
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anniegal +
I no longer remember which book exactly it was, but Haruki Murakami had a female character who was so poor that she had only one bra and she had to wash it every evening. Wash it every evening! Dude! I'll never forget that xD
I am certain some people do that. I was at a friends place when her son hollered "Mom, there are no ironed socks!" He was like 17 or 18 and she promptly ironed a pair of socks for him. He didn't know that you could wear socks that had not been ironed. My own teenage son did not know that anyone could/would iron socks and neither did I.
I don't even know how I survived reading Kafka on the Shore — it's a good book, I loved the story and the quotable quotes, but the way he treats his female characters (and cats)........... I wanna throw up just thinking about those moments
These make me think of the My Dad Wrote A Porno podcast. This guy discovered his dad has been writing erotica for years and is genuinely confused how he was ever conceived! It’s comedy gold - very much NSFW and also NSF Driving, as you’ll laugh so much you’ll crash!
And shockingly... Rocky Flintstone is a better writer than some of these!
I'll share one of my pet peeves - women who are attractive but are not aware of it. It happens so often - a woman who is aware of her attractiveness apparently suddenly loses half of it.
I usually come to BP for the feel-goods. Today I'm feeling really angry. So today I'm going to focus on describing the protagonist in my novel in ways that won't make people want to claw their eyes and brains out.
Wish you all the best for writing!
SHUT. THE. F**K. UP. WILDBERRY
N o b o d y a s k e d y o u w i l d b e r r y
nobody gisse a shisse, wildberry
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IF you're angered by this crap, you must be suicidal over covid and politics. Get therapy.
Actually, it are not all male authors writing about female characters. At least a few of them were written by female authors. For example, Min Jin Lee wrote: “Don't you want to stay with me?” Akiko removed her brassiere to reveal her champagne glass–sized tits. And as another example, “Her eyes looked like they’d been borrowed from someone beautiful.” is a sentence from the novel “Nine Perfect Strangers” written by Liane Moriarty.
The first example you use is not an invention of Min Jin Lee. Rather it is a very clever reference to long-held, oft told rumor that a particular champagne glass was molded from Marie Antionette's breast. If you've ever seen anything set in the early 1900's, they were probably drinking champagne or cocktails from one of those glasses. It's hysterical, but most likely untrue. Champagne-...f4cf5a.jpg
Cool fact!!
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Stop giving reasonable remarks at to a lynch mob! Similarly, without reading the book you really cannot say whether the first-person remarks/internal monologue of the character is meant to show their flaws (in this list, either breast-obsessed or breast-confused mainly), or whether it's the author.
The majority of these are still written by men. Thats the point. And even the ones by women are still problematic.
My breasts have so many feelings.
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Noez 🇸🇪 easy
I loved Stephen King as a teenager, and I still do. But re-reading him as an adult is pretty cringey. Every single female character is described anatomically.
Agreed. I can't re-read his old stuff and his new stuff is far too wordy. Looks like his son, the author Joe Hill, is a chip off the old block with the wordiness too.
You know what? France is on lockdown again, l needed a good laugh, this trend overkilled it for me. Thank you so much for the laugh
Nobody: What cishet male authors think boobs look like: ( 😡 )( 😡 )
They also think boobs are: (______😡______) (______😡_____)
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Firework no
Firework is right. These morons think boobs are 6-year-old humans and that isn't funny or nice
WOW I JUST LEARNED THAT MY BOOBS HAVE FEELINGS
The comments on this post certainly improved the idiotic excerpts!
This makes my breasts laugh with toothy smiles, the left slightly more expressive than the other as my cleavage juts out in disgust. They talk amongst themselves in my bra, wondering if we should educate men. My right insists that the men of the world become competent, while the left argues that we wouldn't have as much reason to laugh at them. With which of my intelligent breasts do you agree?
I have to wonder if there's an equally bad women writing men ... I mean really, why should it be so one sided?
There is some woman but some men think think that they are the dominant gender so usaly it’s men
I don’t think there is, otherwise it would be around the internet by now, There’s probably one or two female writers out there you are this terrible at writing men but it’s a lot more common with male writers as women tend to get sexualized more ^^
Kelley Baltierra lol
I'm totally jealous. All my dumb breasts ever do is just hang there.
Why is it that I’m offended. I’m not like anything these idiots are writing about. I am in middle/high school and my breasts started developing in 3rd grade. Yet I seem to be offended. Most likely because I just kinda feel like men don’t pay attention to us and just our body. Like they see us as objects. I took a genius class. It was about the feminine and male genius and it wad incredibly enlightening. Women are supposed to protect the man’s heart and men are supposed to protect the woman. You should take one of those classes. It’s actually really helpful.
Get help from a woman when you are going to write about a woman.
I hate how women are stereotyped like this and are a sexual object for men to observe.
Reading through this post was just... PAINFULLY hilarious
Even as a man I cringed at the utter ridiculous paragraphs,who writes such books??
As a male, I am sorry, not all of us are like this.
I know
Breasts must be the original mood rings.
Bozhana Slaveva lol
Bozhana Slaveva no
FYI, Michael Crichton studied to be a medical doctor but never actually practiced, just leapt into writing as a career. Which probably explains why he was able to get biological details about women so perfectly, and why I really wish he were still around to publish more novels. RIP.
Diane Aguilar haha
This is as hilarious as it is horrific. We need the same thread for female authors talking about men. Romance novels are just as f'n ludicrous XD
Can we just stop with the sentient breasts?
Hannah M like
Men love big breasts because they are big babies and want their mommy
Freud agrees.
Freud - the same one who said only immature women need clitoral stimulation to climax because 'real' women can achieve it with penal penetration? That Freud?
NOOOO! Not Freud! You've doomed us all!
I had to stop reading, so I skipped down to the bottom comments. I have never been more dissapointed in the opposite gender.
men and boobs... and that one about an 11 year old like WTF
I don’t think I realized that this many men believe that breasts are independent beings?
misogynistic men writers: acting like they can read a women's mindset trough boobs because they do not lift their eyes to look at the actual expression in a women's face...
Not sure how ANY of this was approved by the mods...
I read the first 4 or 5. And as a female, I am just so offended. Are the male writers unmarried, virgins that they really know so little about women. And as I noted above, where are the proof readers? They must also be in the same category.!!
what the actual hell is wrong with men? why do they even WRITE this into their books?
I'm sorry it hurt my head to read these. What... who are these men? Have they ever actually met any women?
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this just scared me 4 life
James Patterson's "Murder Club" reads like he's never known any women in his life. Um, women who have been friends for over 20 years DO NOT have such stilted and formal conversations. And even though my best friend prefers to be called "Patricia", when we're alone she's "Pats".
I had to ask myself how did some of these get past the publishers? Getting past that some of these may be self-published - these examples seem to show males in the publishing/editing profession(s) also barely know anything about women...
Becky Eimer haha
Becky Eimer ?
No wonder I quit reading fiction written by men.
Cindy Rogers love
Cindy Rogers what
No wonder I've always preferred female authors.
Why on earth are theses thing published or not edited out. How I understand why Men know NOTHING about women....they only listen to over men
I zzi follower
My favorite thing like this is a movie, not a book. Blade Runner 2049. Must have been written by 10-year-old boys who think a robot could be built that accidentally had the ability to give birth. Like, there is nothing special inside women that makes this happen. Meanwhile, the outsides of women's bodies are everywhere in 50-foot-high holograms.
I wonder if men know they have breasts too 🤭
The
She was tall, curvy, with wide, sumptuous thighs and tiny ankles. Her long, flowing hair, the color of a summer day, cascaded over her breasts. She was dandelion fluff, a raw sexual force, leaving nothing behind but the faint taste of chocolate on your lips. And damn, was she good with a knife. As I looked up at her, the knife in my chest, she flipped me off as only the most beautiful of women could.
Yes anyone can write something down, but publishers can refuse. Wish more would do so. These books are atrocious.
Did men not pay attention in sex ed or biology
I think in some cases, the authors are trying to make their male characters come off as sexist, breast-obsessed, creepy, etc. "Breasts walked by ... he didn't even look at her face." Don't hate the writers; hate the men they describe.
Sometimes, I think the best thing that could happen to the human race would be some kind of additive to the water that would drop the male sex drive by about 9/10. Then, maybe most of them could finally relate to women as something other than a pair of legs, a pair of tits, or a hole they want to stuff something into.
What. Did. I. Just. Read?
i wish my breasts would be more like theirs and stop being breasts that don't move :-(
I read a great deal but very little fiction. I had absolutely no idea that some 'supposedly great' male writers were so chauvinistic and clueless. I shake my head in horror that the tripe they write would ever be considered great literature.
😤😑By the Angel, thank Raziel THATS over. A couple of them, I had to go back and just stare at them for a little while to figure out what the HELL is going on. But most of them, I just stared off into the distance trying to figure out how they are so stupid! I hope these men don't describe real women like that. Or HAVE wives for that matter! I would NOT want to be married to an idiot like that! Hmph....sorry for my outburst. I am very passionate on writing and will try to not write at all like them. Dear Raziel they need help🥲
Im 12 and a boy and I know more about women than all of these people combined
Really
William Secoske +
Excuse me whilst I go to vomit for I'm a girl
I’m assuming in most of these books are the product of incels who wrote this while living in their mom’s basement
welp
I’m surprised you found only 30 examples.
men seem to think breasts have their own emotions.
I am just totally stunned by the fact that no one have reacted before this sh-t went to print!!! Surely there must have been a proofreader, a publisher, a FRIEND, for haven sake, that could have said "Hey mate, I really don´t think it´s such good idea to write that that way..."
#19 is 9 perfect strangers by Liane Moriarty. She’s a woman, not sure why her book was included in this list.