Family Calls This Woman A Jerk For Asking Them For A Dollar Every Time They Mention Her Not Having Kids
While more and more Americans are opting for the childfree lifestyle for various reasons, the pressure to have kids is still enormous. No wonder so many couples feel constant stress from the inconsiderate and nosy family members and friends who never miss a chance to ask that one annoying question.
“Friends and family are causing us constant stress about having a baby soon but it’s obviously something we can’t control. We only wished that they’d stop but to no avail,” the woman who’s been married for 6 years wrote in this recent post on r/AITA.
So she came up with an unusual idea – the “Pregnancy Jar.” The author said she carries it with her in her bag whenever she’s with friends and family. “Every time someone asks about when my husband and I are gonna have a baby, I pull my Jar out and ask them to drop a dollar in there for asking.” Puzzled looks follow, but the author said it actually works.
But just last week, family drama over the “Pregnancy Jar” blew up after the author’s brother asked you-know-what. Read below to find out how the drama evolved, and be sure to share your thoughts in the comments.
Recently, a woman asked if she didn’t go too far with her “Pregnancy Jar” that she uses to take a dollar from anyone who asks when she’s having kids
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Jessica Da Rosa (not the actual photo)
“When are you having a baby?” is the kind of question many women would do anything not to hear ever again. Yet, many of us have experienced it multiple times. So in order to find out how to handle this annoying question, we spoke with Susan Petang, a certified divorce coach and the creator of “The Quiet Zone Coaching,” who teaches people how to stop feeling overwhelmed and start waking up happy in the morning again.
“It can be super annoying when others (family or not!) continually ask when you’re going to have kids, get married, or something else that they think you should be doing,” Susan said and added that “no, it’s none of their business.” Having said that, the life coach thinks the “jar” idea is “IMHO, a little jerky, and provokes arguments and bad feelings.” She explained: “How would you feel if you asked someone a question – thinking that it’s perfectly innocent – and they whip out a jar, demanding a dollar?”
“Let me ask you this: Why are they asking in the first place? Is it because they know you want kids, and are concerned about your happiness? Is it because they’re just nosy? Is it because they don’t have the social skills to know that it’s an inappropriate question?”
Susan argues that “trying to understand WHY someone is doing something annoying doesn’t justify their behavior, but putting yourself in someone else’s shoes for a moment helps YOU be less annoyed.” She added: “you can even think to yourself, ‘Wow, it’s really sad that they don’t understand how annoying that question is.’”
Susan also reminds everyone to remember that other people are going to do what they are going to do. “We have no control over their behavior. You’re right, your Nosy Aunt Rosie shouldn’t be asking you these questions – but she just did.” The life coach argues that “our expectations of others aren’t going to change the weather on Jupiter, so don’t get all bristly when people ask stupid or nosy questions – we can’t control them, but we can control ourselves, and our responses.”
If you ever receive this annoying question, Susan argues, a kinder thing to do is shut them down gently. “Address the intention rather than the question. For example, the woman in the story could say to her brother, ‘That’s something I love about you – you’re so concerned about my happiness!’ (Note that she hasn’t answered the nosy question.)”
Susan added: “Another great response would be, ‘You seem like you really want us to have a baby!’ Then let him explain his question. You can also come right out and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’”
Susan reminds readers to make sure your responses come from a place of love instead of being snarky, jerky, or hostile. “It’s a better way to keep the peace and be a kind human being. (I hope she doesn’t get a kick out of being a jerk!)”
Many people showed support for the author and said that the “Pregnancy Jar” idea was great
But what happens if the other person keeps pressing, and won’t let the question go?
Susan argues that there are two ways of shutting that down. “The first is to agree with them: ‘You’re right, we should really get right on that! Thanks for the reminder!’ or, ‘You’re right, now you’ve given us something to think about. Thanks for your concern!’ If you agree with them, there’s nothing to argue with.”
“The second is to set a limit using the XYZ formula: ‘When you do X, I feel Y, and I’d like Z.’ This should be your last resort, after you’ve tried being kind and they still won’t stop asking.”
Whichever way of shutting them down you choose, remember that tone is everything. “This could be a super hostile way to deal with someone, too, depending on how you say it – so make sure you’re being as kind as possible until the other person is being nasty or hostile,” Susan explained. “An example would be, ‘When you ask us about having children, it makes me sad and angry because it just hasn’t happened for us yet. I’d like to change the subject,’ or, ‘It sounds like you’re really interested in something that, to us, is very personal. I feel upset when you ask about it, so let’s talk about something else.’”
But there were also people who questioned the author’s method
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Share on FacebookI'm flabbergasted that people think they have the right to keep asking the same personal question.
And the people who think the jar is rude. If they asked my KY hillbilly self that question, they'd pray for a jar. I don't handle rude or stupid very well.
Load More Replies...Actually that's none of their business. That is between your husband and yourself. Good idea of the dollar jar.
Why do people never think they are jerks for asking this question???? "Hey, when are you going to have kids?" "Well, as soon as my body stops rejecting fetuses because they are malformed somehow. then I guess I get to keep the one that survives!" Do they really want to hear this answer???
Why people think it is okay to keep on asking when she's explained what's going on is beyond me! She's told you what's going on so shut up!. Another thing I don't get - why do some mums leap to the defence of the embarrassed idiot all too often? He's a flipping grown up and doesn't need mummy to defend him. Ye gods. 🙄
i've gone the "make it uncomfortable" route in the past. "I really don't want to discuss my sex life with you, thanks!" and then if they insisted they weren't asking about my sex life, i'd ask if they were sure they knew how babies were made. Probably only really stopped one or two people asking, though. People still think it's a totally normal thing to ask and until more people make a fuss, they'll keep doing it.
Just call it "donations for my fertility treatment", and let the amount be as high as they want (as apparently they really want you to have kids, they can spend more than 1 USD). You can still spend it on snacks. Sometimes, snacks help to get pregnant :-)
Had a guy who's mother hounded him about it, told her that they were taking applications for 'a new milkman'. Mom started to mind her own business. Maybe to up the chances , taking apps for 'a new housekeeper'--that might drive the busybodies to stfu.
Load More Replies...People think having children is a miracle. Everything spawns and reproduces. I don't need to add my DNA to the pool when it needs a lifeguard.
For some people, it is a miracle. And that's also a reason why these questions are so inappropriate -- you don't know if the couple is struggling with infertility.
Load More Replies...I want a jar for anytime some dude/lass asks if I'm single or wants to date em'. Wearing a faux wedding band tends to help. But not all of them see it. >_>' (edit: grammar)
Do people who ask about couples trying for or having kids understand they're asking about the couple's sex life? If they keep going, it might be time to start getting graphic.
A couple with three kids were asked by folks with fewer or no kids, "How did you manage to have all those children?" They'd answer, "It's a very old method. We could show you some time."
Load More Replies...I'm with the OP. She & her husband both have explained their problem & feelings about it to their families, many times. OP needs to do a group text to everyone about how much they're hurting her & her husband's feelings with the constant questions & then go very low contact. And that mom is definitely TA - I detest mothers who hound & chastise their daughters like this. It's obvious Mommy Dearest cares more about the brother's feelings than her daughter's. Oh, but of course - brother dear has children, so that makes him better.
I got asked this too. I'd tell them 'We're trying. Seeing a specialist etc. It's not easy. There is so much about this that's difficult. But your question lets us know that if we are able to, you'll be there to support us in any way we need. Thank you so much for that.' When it didn't happen, I told key friends and my mom to spread the word to everyone that it couldn't happen and we were devastated. Told them to explain to anyone who was curious that we were refused adopting because of medical conditions and couldn't afford private adoption. We'd run though all of our money trying. We'd appreciate it if people would now just empathize with us and not go on about how life is all about having kids and grand kids and if you don't your life isn't worth living. Once, when a sibling was being particularly dense, we just stared at them and cried. In front of the whole family. Completely changed how they expressed their gratitude for being parents/grandparents.
Start following up that question asking about their end of life plans. "When am I having kids? Probably when I'm ready. Have you decided weather you're being cremated or buried?"
or ask mother on her menopause status. Some couples just could say after 5 years that they will be happy with staying childless, no more stress or announce that the adoption process has been started, so 3 to 17 months.
Load More Replies...My family kept asking my wife and I about kids. For over 15 years they asked. They finally gave up, but it was annoying. (we didn't want kids)
Gotta love how women are treated like walking baby factories and her entire worth is based on popping them out.
they ask forever. I got married at 48 and still got asked if we were going to try for a baby or adopt. people my age who were becoming grandparents asked if I was going to try to get pregnant...2 months before my 49th birthday. wtf. I think the jar is a weird flex but she's getting her point across. I used sarcasm and jokes about only wanting cats or adopting a 21 year old poolboy.
NTA - this is brilliant; I wish I could use this every time my parents mention how busy my sister is because of her kids, so they (my parents) need my help; like it doesn't already suck that I can't have kids (medical issues), but to rub it in my face hurts, so if this would stop them from saying it...
Instead of collecting a dollar from them every time they ask, answer them by saying, "We're trying. He's glazing my womb every night like he's on the 3am shift at Dunkin'!" They'll stop.
I'd need to get drunk to say this but I think I might try that.
Load More Replies...NTA. The jar is a good idea. But maybe ask them an equal stupid question. Like: "When are you going to have a nose-job?" or "When are you going to lose weight?" or "When are you going to have a facelift?" It won't take them 4 months to stop asking that question again!
I agree if you're struggling and people are so called worried then they can help you start an ivf fund. Someone asked my dad the same question and I got mad cuz they asked him.
Nope not at all...it's a great way to save, make money and shut people up. My womb is nobody's business but mi own
I am at a loss. Asking someone when they are going to reproduce would never enter my head - what the hėll kind of answer could there possibly be for such a question? “Actually, I plan to conceive at oh-eight-hundred the fifteenth of June 2023. Birth will be at exactly nine months after, give or take five minutes”. It’s not just rude, to me it’s kind of bizarre.
yeah i get this all the time so i have started to ask "why are you so interested in my sex life? is it because you dont have any and want to live through me?" when they get all defence that they didnt ask that i said in a way you did you asked if/ when/ are you pregnant. and how does one get pregnant for the most part? not counting infertility an other ways.you got it sex. so please stop being a perve. and frankly thats has worked amazingly well. the jar while i think its a good idea, but i can see why some would disagree. but its not like you havent been saying please stop.
you can ask for the dollar, doesn't mean they will give it to you or are obligated to. I would prefer just showing them the jar, asking them if they know what it is. The answer, is a jar full of shut your stupid pie hole!
I think that she should have given them a warning about the jar then started using it (maybe she did, I skimmed over a few things) but otherwise I like this! It seems to be effective and isn't destructive or malicious.
She did warn them to stop, but they kept going anyway.
Load More Replies...Wow, I can't believe that they are causing you so much stress. I would definitely tell your family that!!
You can't change them but you can charge them a fee which will change them somewhat.
Load More Replies...She can do what she wants - they didn't need to go along with it. Probably feeling guilty for doing it, though not enough to stop. Selfish of them to keep on when she's made her feelings known.
Load More Replies...I'm flabbergasted that people think they have the right to keep asking the same personal question.
And the people who think the jar is rude. If they asked my KY hillbilly self that question, they'd pray for a jar. I don't handle rude or stupid very well.
Load More Replies...Actually that's none of their business. That is between your husband and yourself. Good idea of the dollar jar.
Why do people never think they are jerks for asking this question???? "Hey, when are you going to have kids?" "Well, as soon as my body stops rejecting fetuses because they are malformed somehow. then I guess I get to keep the one that survives!" Do they really want to hear this answer???
Why people think it is okay to keep on asking when she's explained what's going on is beyond me! She's told you what's going on so shut up!. Another thing I don't get - why do some mums leap to the defence of the embarrassed idiot all too often? He's a flipping grown up and doesn't need mummy to defend him. Ye gods. 🙄
i've gone the "make it uncomfortable" route in the past. "I really don't want to discuss my sex life with you, thanks!" and then if they insisted they weren't asking about my sex life, i'd ask if they were sure they knew how babies were made. Probably only really stopped one or two people asking, though. People still think it's a totally normal thing to ask and until more people make a fuss, they'll keep doing it.
Just call it "donations for my fertility treatment", and let the amount be as high as they want (as apparently they really want you to have kids, they can spend more than 1 USD). You can still spend it on snacks. Sometimes, snacks help to get pregnant :-)
Had a guy who's mother hounded him about it, told her that they were taking applications for 'a new milkman'. Mom started to mind her own business. Maybe to up the chances , taking apps for 'a new housekeeper'--that might drive the busybodies to stfu.
Load More Replies...People think having children is a miracle. Everything spawns and reproduces. I don't need to add my DNA to the pool when it needs a lifeguard.
For some people, it is a miracle. And that's also a reason why these questions are so inappropriate -- you don't know if the couple is struggling with infertility.
Load More Replies...I want a jar for anytime some dude/lass asks if I'm single or wants to date em'. Wearing a faux wedding band tends to help. But not all of them see it. >_>' (edit: grammar)
Do people who ask about couples trying for or having kids understand they're asking about the couple's sex life? If they keep going, it might be time to start getting graphic.
A couple with three kids were asked by folks with fewer or no kids, "How did you manage to have all those children?" They'd answer, "It's a very old method. We could show you some time."
Load More Replies...I'm with the OP. She & her husband both have explained their problem & feelings about it to their families, many times. OP needs to do a group text to everyone about how much they're hurting her & her husband's feelings with the constant questions & then go very low contact. And that mom is definitely TA - I detest mothers who hound & chastise their daughters like this. It's obvious Mommy Dearest cares more about the brother's feelings than her daughter's. Oh, but of course - brother dear has children, so that makes him better.
I got asked this too. I'd tell them 'We're trying. Seeing a specialist etc. It's not easy. There is so much about this that's difficult. But your question lets us know that if we are able to, you'll be there to support us in any way we need. Thank you so much for that.' When it didn't happen, I told key friends and my mom to spread the word to everyone that it couldn't happen and we were devastated. Told them to explain to anyone who was curious that we were refused adopting because of medical conditions and couldn't afford private adoption. We'd run though all of our money trying. We'd appreciate it if people would now just empathize with us and not go on about how life is all about having kids and grand kids and if you don't your life isn't worth living. Once, when a sibling was being particularly dense, we just stared at them and cried. In front of the whole family. Completely changed how they expressed their gratitude for being parents/grandparents.
Start following up that question asking about their end of life plans. "When am I having kids? Probably when I'm ready. Have you decided weather you're being cremated or buried?"
or ask mother on her menopause status. Some couples just could say after 5 years that they will be happy with staying childless, no more stress or announce that the adoption process has been started, so 3 to 17 months.
Load More Replies...My family kept asking my wife and I about kids. For over 15 years they asked. They finally gave up, but it was annoying. (we didn't want kids)
Gotta love how women are treated like walking baby factories and her entire worth is based on popping them out.
they ask forever. I got married at 48 and still got asked if we were going to try for a baby or adopt. people my age who were becoming grandparents asked if I was going to try to get pregnant...2 months before my 49th birthday. wtf. I think the jar is a weird flex but she's getting her point across. I used sarcasm and jokes about only wanting cats or adopting a 21 year old poolboy.
NTA - this is brilliant; I wish I could use this every time my parents mention how busy my sister is because of her kids, so they (my parents) need my help; like it doesn't already suck that I can't have kids (medical issues), but to rub it in my face hurts, so if this would stop them from saying it...
Instead of collecting a dollar from them every time they ask, answer them by saying, "We're trying. He's glazing my womb every night like he's on the 3am shift at Dunkin'!" They'll stop.
I'd need to get drunk to say this but I think I might try that.
Load More Replies...NTA. The jar is a good idea. But maybe ask them an equal stupid question. Like: "When are you going to have a nose-job?" or "When are you going to lose weight?" or "When are you going to have a facelift?" It won't take them 4 months to stop asking that question again!
I agree if you're struggling and people are so called worried then they can help you start an ivf fund. Someone asked my dad the same question and I got mad cuz they asked him.
Nope not at all...it's a great way to save, make money and shut people up. My womb is nobody's business but mi own
I am at a loss. Asking someone when they are going to reproduce would never enter my head - what the hėll kind of answer could there possibly be for such a question? “Actually, I plan to conceive at oh-eight-hundred the fifteenth of June 2023. Birth will be at exactly nine months after, give or take five minutes”. It’s not just rude, to me it’s kind of bizarre.
yeah i get this all the time so i have started to ask "why are you so interested in my sex life? is it because you dont have any and want to live through me?" when they get all defence that they didnt ask that i said in a way you did you asked if/ when/ are you pregnant. and how does one get pregnant for the most part? not counting infertility an other ways.you got it sex. so please stop being a perve. and frankly thats has worked amazingly well. the jar while i think its a good idea, but i can see why some would disagree. but its not like you havent been saying please stop.
you can ask for the dollar, doesn't mean they will give it to you or are obligated to. I would prefer just showing them the jar, asking them if they know what it is. The answer, is a jar full of shut your stupid pie hole!
I think that she should have given them a warning about the jar then started using it (maybe she did, I skimmed over a few things) but otherwise I like this! It seems to be effective and isn't destructive or malicious.
She did warn them to stop, but they kept going anyway.
Load More Replies...Wow, I can't believe that they are causing you so much stress. I would definitely tell your family that!!
You can't change them but you can charge them a fee which will change them somewhat.
Load More Replies...She can do what she wants - they didn't need to go along with it. Probably feeling guilty for doing it, though not enough to stop. Selfish of them to keep on when she's made her feelings known.
Load More Replies...
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