19-Year-Old Spends $300 On Rainbow Hair Because ‘It’s Important For Her Mental Health’, Parent Demands She Pay Rent From Now On
Before the worldwide pandemic hit, many young adults were working, studying, and building lives on their own. But then, suddenly, a great deal of them were back to living with their parents. In fact, Zillow’s analysis from US government data indicated that about 2.9 million adults moved in with a parent or grandparent in March, April, and May of 2020 if college students were included; most of them were 25 or younger.
As the world has now returned to quasi-normal, many adult kids stayed living with their parents for various reasons. But as you may imagine or have experienced, living under the same roof with your parents poses challenges of its own.
This story from a family with three kids gives us a glimpse into such a household. “Our 19-year-old, Kate, graduated from high school last year but is still living at home,” the parent wrote in a post on r/AITA. “Kate has struggled with anxiety for the past few years and has been in therapy since her junior year of high school. She is also on medication. She also, like many 19-year-olds, struggles with impulse control.”
The parent added that “this usually manifests in her spending habits. She will spend money as soon as she gets it. And she spends it on, in my opinion, things she doesn’t always need.” Kate’s spending habits turned out to be the cause of tension between her and her parents.
And on one such occasion, the parents found out their 19-year-old had just paid $300 for “bright rainbow hair.” As you can imagine, this didn’t sit well with them.
Recently, a parent to the 19-year-old daughter who lives with them shared how she came back home with a rainbow hair for which she payed $300
Image credits: Sandra Molina (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Sharon McCutcheon (not the actual photo)
To find out more about the complex situation of adult kids staying at their parents’ home and financial independence of the children, we spoke with Dr. Lise Deguire, a clinical psychologist and author of “Flashback Girl: Lessons on Resilience From a Burn Survivor.”
When asked whether parents should set the rules for their adult kids who live in their house, Lise said: “Yes, within limits. The house belongs to the parents, and as homeowners, it is the parents’ right to set rules.” She added that “the parents/homeowners have every right to have expectations about cleanliness, noise, guests, etc.”
But when it comes to parents asking their adult kids to pay rent, Lise argues that this is an issue about which reasonable people can disagree. “Many parents charge a nominal rent, to give their kids a ‘real life’ experience of meeting financial responsibilities. Many others do not feel comfortable doing so. Some parents think that staying home is an opportunity for their adult children to establish savings, and they are happy to support their adult children as they start out. Still others charge rent, but save that money in an account to return to their children later.” She added that there “are also struggling families for whom every dollar counts, and everyone has to contribute in order to pay the rent at all.”
Moreover, the clinical psychologist argues that this is a grey zone when it comes to the question of whether parents can control their adult kids’ spending as long as they live at their house, or whether adult kids should be financially independent and decide for themselves. “If adult children earn money, it is theirs to spend as they wish. On the other hand, if the parents feel financially exploited, it is natural that they would feel angry and resentful.”
Lise explained that “the way to avoid these situations is to set clear expectations prior to the child moving back in the house, expectations around saving, household responsibilities, etc. That way both parties know what they can expect from each other.”
And this is what people had to say about this whole situation
Making the daughter pay rent *because* she got her hair dyed is a dumb (but not necessarily AH) move. Making the daughter pay rent because she is not demonstrating fiscal responsibility and isn't showing any inclination to learn is the smarter move. Dad just got the framing wrong.
It's important to note that Dad also said she would get all the money she paid in rent back when she moved out. So she's not really paying rent; it's a savings program.
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My younger brother lives free with my Ma and he’s 44! She never asks him for rent or contributions of any sort and it effectively means he can withdraw from society with all the life experiences of a 16 year old. Ridiculous…
He'll be the kid at the orphanage telling the youngsters "When I was your age, we couldn't shoot laser beams from our phones."
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Mom is simply an enabler at this point. Completely useless as a parent. What she is doing is setting this girl up for a spending addiction (if she hasn't tipped over into that already). I am sympathetic to mental health issues (I have them myself) but this is not the way to handle them. Rainbow hair will only make her feel good for a little while before she looks for something else to make her feel better. Her rarely worn clothing collection is proof of that. So I see two issues going on here. One is simply that she is young and needs to learn to manage her money better. Since she is unable to do that then making her pay rent makes sense. Secondly, she needs to learn to manage her symptoms in a more healthy way. I have found that things like exercise, breathing exercises and guided meditations help me. She should start observing what things improve her symptoms (other than spending money) and start incorporating those things more into her daily life.
Also she can change her hair if it makes her happy. I am sure her therapist is working with her on other ways to deal with issues. But meditation and breathing doesn't really help everyone. Sometime the answer is to get away from the people you are around. I cut off those people. guess what never happier.
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If he had only decided to start asking for rent because she got her hair colored, that'd be TA. But he's tried before, he said he wanted to earlier. I think he's NTA, but she probably should have learned money management earlier in life. What do y'all wanna bet mom spoiled her?
Yeah. Though I stand by the primary issue actually being with his wife. He wanted to charge rent, the wife said no, then he lashed out at his daughter for not paying rent even though it was his wife's decision. Thats the part thats not cool. She was told "work 30 hours a week and help out around the house." If she meets those expectarions and still gets yelled at, not cool.
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Kate's going to learn that rent and food money are also 'your money that you get to decide on how to spend it'.
Teaching money management starts at age, oh five, not 19. Not saying dad was wrong. But, I always knew that my kids were going to be living in the real world one day without me. They learned coupons ( had a system where they earned half the amount of any coupon I used that they found this was a little older age, I ended up buying three Sunday papers though. Then my middle son aced it when he found triple coupon day!!!) How do you teach a five year old? Ok Kate, you earned five dollars for emptying the trash for a week, from ask the bathrooms. We are at Walmart. There are three toys you want. One is five, one is two, one is ten. You can save for another week, and we'll come back, for the expensive one, you can spend it all, or you can keep there and spend two, and I'll show you how to save the three to get the the other one. You teach. By example as well. I'd be willing to bet there are other money issues in this house. Just saying.
Yeah, I did wonder at the wife's 'she'll have to learn it on her own'. Well how exactly? Is the wife hoping it will fall out a packet of cereal one morning like a free gift? Or her daughter will just suddenly stumble upon it when walking downstairs in the middle of the night? She won't learn it the way they're going about it. They need to stop cushioning her from reality. One of the (many) reasons people end up with mental health problems can be because they don't feel necessary. Their life has little meaning. Going to work and being part of the bigger picture can actually help with things like that. Might not be this woman's problem I know but it all feels a bit as if she's throwing money at trying to make herself feel good and it's not going to help. She needs to feel useful and to find something meaningful to do with her days. Just my take on it anyway.
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Your daughter is currently behaving exactly as you taught her — her parents pay for necessities, including school in the future, and any money she earns is for fun. You need to get her to save and pay rent but be business-like about it and lay off the “while you are under my roof!” stuff that doesn’t work with teenagers.
It is important to note that people with anxiety often struggle with self care and self image. While I can agree that she doesn’t necessarily need to spend that king of money on tings like that, it may be a form of self care. Self care comes in many forms, but the basics is that you do something for you that makes you feel good, like shower, paint you nails, get your hair done, etc. I think that punishing her for this is not the answer. Rather, they should talk with her about her habits and iterate that they are not judging nor condemning her decisions, but that they feel she may need a bit of assistance with learning to save and budget. Perhaps they could help her to come up with a savings and spending plan for her so that she can learn better. She can set aside money for self care or random purchases, some for snacks, some for saving, etc. so that her spending does not necessarily change, but the way she sees it and does it does.
I think part of the problem is that it's not supposed to be a punishment, but it is -kind of- presented that way.
Load More Replies... She reminds me of my sister. What we're looking at isn't "I'm upset you spent $300 on your hair," it's "I'm upset you spent $300 on your hair, $500 on clothes you've worn once, $250 on makeup, all in one month, and $0 towards necessities or anything long term."
She sounds more like my mom..she was bouncing her account with bs and I had to cover her so we didn't get evicted.
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This is sad. She’s 19 and only now learning to pay for bills? Im not sure why people coddle their kids till the bitter end but this is the result. When I started working my first official job at 16 I started paying for stuff. Cell phone bill, car bill, car insurance ect. My mom never made me pay rent but I paid for everything else that was my bill so she didn’t have to. When I moved out I paid my rent and didn’t have a wake up moment when everything hit me at once. It was just another bill to add to the bills I already had. Your not doing your kid any favors.
I got my first job when I was 14, nearly 15. I'll admit I haven't had to pay rent or any bills but that's because my mom, step dad and I live with my stepdad's parents. He and my mom pay rent already. I'll definitely be paying for gas when I start driving by myself. I've still saved up $5k or so (I'm 16 now) though, being financially responsible is something everybody needs to learn. The mom really needs to stop trying to coddle her and the father needs to stop allowing the mom to do so.
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I'm 24 years old. I still live at home. I'm still in college though getting my masters degrees but my parents would Never Come UP with something like that. They Say that paying for school, for necessary things , etc is their responsibility as parents. If I go anywhere with my parents, they Never let me pay anything. I also have a younger sibling who's 19 and they're the same with him. She's just 19 and she has had her first Real taste of freedom of spending. Sure, she could be more independant and less carefree with her spending but she's literally working a full Time job. (In France, that's 35 hours a week) She's not asking her parents to buy her that stuff but she's using her own money. I understand her POV entirely. She's young, she wants to have fun and she's not acting spoiled or entitled for wanting to have a gap year to figure herself out. It hasn't even been a year since she began earning her own money and you already want to throw her under thé bus? That's harsh!
Plus, being financially responsible, while being a favorable goal was not included in your original agreement. You are applying a parenting mentality ( fine since you are her parents) of my house, my rules while simultaneously acting like a landlord. That's hypocritical and you're clearly the AH in my opinion. You should have a proper adult conversation with her, telling her it's for her own good and for future difficulties. Let her try to budget her own spending for a month including food, utilities and rent and tell her it's acceptable to spend the rest as she wishes. She will naturally restrain her spree buying habits. If she doesn't, she might need to see a psyciatrist because that kind of stuff Can bé triggered by depression and considering thé last 2 years, it might juste be what she needs.No need to strong arm and patronize her if she's an adult and has to pay "rent". Plus, that could make her feel like her parents don't give a damn about her anymore and are making he a tenant.
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Listen, I totally agree that your appearance is important to your mental health (I firmly believe in “look good, feel good” and a lot of my “fun money” is directed towards makeup, hair dye & products, nail polish, and skincare) and it’s silly to view “you spent $300 on hair” as the evidence behind the argument “you should pay rent”. However, it’s not unreasonable to ask your adult child working close to full time to pay a couple hundred dollars a month in rent. I lived in a dorm my first year of college but by my sophomore year, age 19, I was completely independent from my parents. I fully supported myself and paid for my apartment, my education, and all my living expenses, insurance, and healthcare. The only reason I was able to do it is because I was working and responsible for some of my living expenses at age 16. My brother and I were given responsibilities as teenagers and that taught us how to BE responsible with money. The result is we are 22 & 23yo college graduates, one with a
full time job (my brother) and one in grad school (me). A lot of our friends and cousins struggle with money because their parents didn’t teach them how to budget, how to save, and how to pay bills and then they just expected their teens to know what to do when they move out? Our parents making us have jobs and pay for some of our expenses as teens showed us what to do, and we still had the safety of our parents to catch us if we fell, you know? My partner moved out right at 18 and their parents managed their money until they were like 19 bc their parents never bothered to teach budgeting. They thought it’d be easier on their kids managing their financials for them but didn’t consider that they’d be adults someday and need to handle it themselves. Even though I had to work and pay for my expenses at 16, my anxiety over money and adulthood was actually reduced bc I had the practice my friends weren’t given.
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well hell a month ago i had my whole head dyed sapphire blue for shits n grins and it cost me 275$. so yeah that's what processing and dyeing hair costs. ftr i'm a 44M w past shoulder length hair. yes ppl need to be responsible but you also need to do something fun for your mental and emotional health once in a while. i can see both sides.
People can do what the hell they want with their hair and spend whatever money they like on it but when we are adults it comes after we pay for the necessities in life. No-one is teaching her that. Let's be honest, dying hair isn't really going to be any more than a sticking plaster on a torn artery when it comes to solving mental health issues. Fun is important but she isn't actually doing anything else. Her money is only going on clothes, spas, jewellery etc. Reality needs to set in. She needs to find something more meaningful than the next buzz that comes from buying things. Her mother is enabling her but not actually helping her.
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NTA, my mother was a single parent and the deal was I could either go to school full time or work, if I worked I paid towards household expenses. By choice I worked and went to school both full time also by choice I paid the cable, phone and would pay the gas bill in the winter. I purchased a house on my own bc I leaned how to budget. $300 for hair is ridiculous, she'll learn that quickly when she doesn't have disposable income.
This is actually an issue with the mother/wife because this person didn't actually agree with the way the arrangement was initially setup. I think this, I assume father, is not wrong for wanting to charge rent. And the fact that the rent was actually savings the daughter got back is really great, though I wouldn't tell her because forced savings on your behalf would not sit as well with most people. Theres the illusion that the money is still hers rather then just gone, which would likely cause strain if she decided she needes it for something. That said, reactionarily charging rent because you dont approve of her purchases is stupid. Like, the feelings make sense, but if you established previously that she's an adult that can learn at her own pace and is meeting the previously established agreement, you can't turn the tables because you suddenly have feelings.
I wish this were higher up, because it's spot on. Expectations were set, and Kate has been functioning within in them. OP doesn't like the expectations.
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I'm sorry, I agree with her. And the mom. If she wants to spend that money then whatever, you can't force ur kids to do anything. Go ahead, kick her out, but then you'll REALLY look like an AH there. I get first world countries are way more independent, but it's not fair to shove ur own kid out because they spend their money on dumb sh-. I'm 20 living with my dad and going to college and working. NY college is fast paced so I have no time to do ANYTHING. AT ALL. I can't go to friends, I can't go out, I can't relax. It's a 4 year program shortened to 1 year. Ofc it's not the exact same but u bet ur a*s I don't listen when my dad says to become a maid as soon as I get home. I don't have time to be a housewife, and fr it's not ur kids responsibility for that anyway. If she wants to spend on reckless dumb things that's smth you have to let happen and see her fall in order to realize what it's like. Making her have a savings plan will not do absolutely anything.
To add. As soon as she gets the savings back she will spend it. So stop forcing it on her and let her fail on her own. I don't understand how you can't see down the road, if she's doing this now and u make her save, she's just gonna do it again later. I have a friend who is JUST like that. Spends all her money and now she's moving to a very expensive city and wanted me to come but I declined cuz ik I don't have the funds. She's going anyway with no money. She will realize the decision she made and you're suppose to be there to support them, not ridicule. That's why when she calls me saying she has nowhere and no one, I won't say "I told u so", I'll pick her up and bring her back cuz that's all you can do. It's the only way u can teach an older person how to save reasonably. You should've started teaching it when she was a kid tbh.
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She needs to be responsible and learn it now. When I was at home my parents gave me three options. One. Move and live on my own. Two. Go to college full time and work part time and live at home for free. Third. Work full time and help with bills and food. I did option two and when graduating I remain at parents house for two years helping with bills and food while I saved.
Why is everyone hung up on the hair? It has nothing to do with that, it has to do with blowing the money and not saving for her future. Sure, she is still his child, but she is not a kid.
I paid rent when I got my first job as a teenager. One thing I learned from my Mother's bad example was to pay your bills first, then the rest is yours to play with, and you don't have to worry about being overdrawn because you spent to much on c**p you don't need at the grocery store, and not having money to pay your phone bill after. No, we weren't poor. She was just really bad with money.
When I was forced to move back home after college because I couldn't find a job, I finally cut my losses and went back to work at the factory I worked at during the summers to work my way through college, then my parents complained about my working at a factory when it was the only job I could get, and I had no car, and the factory was within biking distance.
They wouldn't let me borrow a car, co-sign for a loan, or take me to more than two job interviews. Apparently I was a failure because I didn't get every job I interviewed for. I saved every penny I could to try to move out and my mom wanted me to pay rent, I told her that would just prolong my living at home because I needed to save up for a security deposit. I moved out as soon as I possibly could. Now she wonders why I never visit.
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I left school at 18 and immediately had to start paying rent. And it wasn't a "token" rent either. I never got the money back and why should I have? I eat food, I use electricity and I lived in a house where the mortgage was still being paid so why should I not have contributed. After all if I was living away from home I would have to pay for all these things. It was great training on my parents' part to get me ready for the real world where you have to pay. I was allowed to use what money I had left to buy what I wanted but I had to pay my rent first. If I couldn't pay for what I wanted in one week then I just had to save. Through all this I was taught to get my priorities right as far as paying for what I needed first, a roof over my head food, electricity etc and then I could get what I wanted even if I had to save for it. I have always been grateful to my parents for teaching these valuable life lessons which has always stood me well all my life.
From the age of 12 my parents gave me a monthly allowance that had to cover everything that wasn't food or housing. The allowance grew as I got older, and so did the list of chores I had to do to earn it. They mostly did it because it was convenient, but it did mean that I've always been very responsible with money
Very soft EHS. I think it's good that the parent wants to protect her from financial struggle, and she is definitely in the wrong for her spending habits, but she is correct that it's her money to spend. Sometimes the best way to teach is to let people figure it out themselves.
Eugh...I was 21 before I felt ready to leave home, and as a step in that direction lived with my older brother for a year; paying a share of the rent, and after that managing to secure an apartment of my own. I never have much money to spare but I've stayed launched, unlike the rest of my siblings, who needed a few tries each to find general footing. (In and of itself, not a bad thing. Nobody in the family is ever going to go hungry or not have a bed to sleep in, in general. Usually long enough to regroup and try again.) I paid a nominal rent until I left home, after graduating high school (but not before then as I was still in school), contributed where requested, and already knew not to be stupid with my money. Comes with living in poverty, I guess. Most of my side expenses are planned ahead, often months in advance. Rent first, bills second, food third. In that order.
This reminds me of the people who see those on SNAP or medicaid with nails done or buying a cake and freaking out about them being on any sort of welfare and also having something for themselves. She's working at least 30 hours a week and helping out around the house. It's not like she's spending her allowance and never getting off the couch. If parents choose to end their financial obligation to their kids when they become adults, that's fine, but it will effect your relationship with your children. He's complaining about her not going to college, but says she doesn't know what she wants to do....with how expensive college is nowadays, doesn't that actually make more financial sense? How you treat your children when you're no longer legally required to take care of them is going to have an impact on how they treat YOU when you need their help and they're not legally required to give it to you.
We really need people's poverty to LOOK abject, don't we?
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I dont agree with the dad in this one, the way he talks... Its like, everything she does/own is meaningless for him... Not for her to. The girl on the other hand, is old enought to know what she can and cant do. Cant tell whats the economic situation of the family, but appears to be in the range where the 300 do make a difference. Both seens a bit worng to me, but not a reason to kik your kid out (or ask for rent IMO. There are other ways to teach).
That's exactly the issue isn't it? She's *old enough* to know what she can and can't do, but she doesn't. But I'd like to hear your idea on the other ways to teach you mentioned.
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I know a family who's son had to be put into a mental hospital for a few days and they locked up the knives for a time, and even still, because their son is now over 18 and not currently doing any schooling, he has to pay rent. Their reasoning: the parents have to pay to live in the house, so can he too. (They allowed him to vacation in Florida and put a pause on the rent, but again, he didn't spring it on them, so they allowed him to have a little fun) If my kid was over 18, was working and not in school and come home with useless, expensive stuff or a super extravagant trip that they didn't clear with me, I would start charging them some rent. Frankly, when the daughter decided she didn't want to go school, that is what they should have done from the start. So if she came home with expensive rainbow hair, there wouldn't be room for the parents to complain because they already agreed on rent and she can spend the rest of her money as she sees fit.
I'd like to start seeing replies to AITA posts that include reasonable YTA, NTA, and ESH. It's great to see people who agree with my own point and their reasoning, but I also want to see people who disagree for whatever reason and why. They may have valid points I hadn't considered; may not change my mind, but exposure to different views is necessary.
I agree there, I get they probably just take top posts, but it's always weird for it all to look so unanimous.
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Exactly....that rainbow dye job is going to fade out really fast!
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Most people are not self taught at anything. They were educated, trained, shown, etc. How is she supposed to learn how to save and manage money if she is never shown the way? The token rent idea definitely is the right path
She's 19 years old.. you can legally kick her out if the behaviour continues like this. Let's see how she manages then. I suffer from bad mental health too, but I know how to save money ffs. She's just an entitled brat who needs to learn how to be an adult.
If she spends like this without learning to save, what happens if something happens to the parents & they can't take care of her anymore?? The Dad is tight & the Mom is WRONG!! Daughter sounds like she is taking advantage of the fact she has mental issues, which is bull!
Okay to everyone saying $300 for her hair isn't bad, etc....in 4-6 weeks she'll need it done again!!! Those rainbow colors fade really fast and you're left with weird faded colors until you do it again or dye over it! So yeah that IS a lot of money to spend on "mental health". I color my own hair at home because it's so much cheaper and lasts just as long as the expensive trip to the salon.
The Dad would be an a*****e if he would NOT try and to prepare her for living as an adult. My parents supported me through uni, I moved out with 19, had a very tight budget and Thank God (and my parents) for being able to learn it step by step - with only a small room in a shared flat, food and the most basic utilities. There is so much that comes on top of that: Insurances, saving, mortgages, retirement. The girl is 19 - an adult. She needs to start acting like one.
I started to pay for my own things (cell phones, clothes) after I got my first job. I started contributing to the utilities and paid rent after graduation. And I was the one who offered to pay rent after school. The dad's NTA, he could have worded it better sure, but she needs to contribute to the house as an adult now. And if she was being responsible with her money and put some aside of her hair her dad wouldn't see any issue with it.
The wife is just flat-out wrong here. The daughter will never learn responsibility and how to live in the real world if they don't teach her. I've had to deal with the result of this type of parenting - where the kid doesn't have chores, responsibilities or even a freaking paper route job - and when they go off to college and *have* to get a job to earn spending money, buy food or pay rent, they are clueless. I've had to teach 21-yr-olds how to wash dishes, sweep & mop a floor and do laundry. Not to mention teaching them how to make change when running a cash register that didn't calculate it for them, and how to count it back to the customer. Basic skills that they should have already known.
There's nothing wrong with spending $300 to improve your mental health. That's a wonderful investment that will be paid back many times over. Better mental health leads to better jobs and better decisions. It pays for itself over and over again. Taking care of your mental health is not a load of c**p. $300 for better mental health is a steal.
Ion understand this at all lol. I been living on my own since 17 so I appreciate the “its my money i can do what i want with it” thing… go move out and spend ya money how u want then girl. If she wont learn from yall the world will leaen her up real quick
Ah yes...19yr olds.. I had 5. I've concluded that nature & evolution dictate that they come utterly obnoxious so that the parent ejects them from the cave. They need to go forth & survive in the wild. Dad isn't necessarily an AH, but he & mum aren't doing the daughter or themselves any favors trying to strong-arm parent an adult child. A few of m' children needed the " Yes. This IS a free country- on the other side of my door. Keys please." chat.
First off, dad and mom need to get on the same page. As far as the daughter, I have severe anxiety, where it has sometimes manifests in bad financial decisions in the past, however, I'm on 3 different meds for it. Having a savings program is a great idea. Discussing cheaper alternatives is an option I would take as well as charging rent. Right now,it comes off as a choice (rent or copping mechanisms) And unless, dad gets a conservatorship, it's still her money, which he has no say in. Again, he and mom needs to get on the same page, until then, I highly doubt rent will be charged (mom will give it right back, undermining dad), and nothing will change.
They're both valid. No real a*****e. The daughter does need to learn to budget and save. The father does need to think about her emotional well being. He wants to help her and she wants to help herself. Neither person is ultimately wrong. It sounds more like there is more of a shallow discussion than anything.
Nobody is an a*****e in this situation, but the father is going about talking to his daughter the wrong way. From what he's been telling us, it seems very much like he cares, but we have no clue how he actually talked to her. Everyone exaggerates situations, especially when it comes to something that's bothering them, or when they want to make themselves seem better than they are. That's something to keep in mind. If this girl is in a situation where anything fun she gets for herself is seen as a stupid buy from her parents, like my parents always told me, then what does it matter to her whether she gets a little trinket or a multi hundred dollar service? That's the issue here. People don't act impulsively unless it's a totally new and unexpected occurrence. There's more to this story than this father is letting on, and I'm not saying he's intentionally trying to hide anything, but I don't think he's looking at this from the angle his daughter is.
Sounds like 19 is a little late to leave money management conversations and there should have been lessons about budgeting long ago. If daughter thinks she has $300 disposable income for hair because she DOES then the knee-jerk reaction to suddenly institute rent is a backwards way of approaching financial education. Daughter does need some sense of responsibility towards household expenses and solid financial lessons but it will feel disingenuous if it's perceived solely as a reaction to the hair.
She's 19 and she isn't saving her money up?? Jesus Christ, I've been saving up since I first got my job. I've spent some of that money but I've still got like $5k or so in the bank and I'm 16. The dad is NTA for wanting her to learn financial responsibility. It's an important thing to know.
Okay, she has anxiety, fine. I battle with my own "dragons" (anxiety, depression, ptsd), but I'm honest with my therapist. It's the only way I can learn to control/not be controlled. I'm working through it, it's not easy. But it's a step in the process when you discuss the overspending. Or it'll get worse. Maybe even dangerous.
Dad is totally in the right to ask rent. She's over 18 and not in college and has a job. Nothing wrong with getting your hair done but she needs to learn budgeting. I moved out the day i turned 18 but never had guidance on saving or fiscal responsibility, took years to not blow every paycheck as i got it. Bills got paid first but 13 days later would be scraping quarters for gas to get to work for payday
Isn't that exactly what he was suggesting? To charge rent? How can he be TA when your suggestion is the same?
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This post is so... USA. Find me another country where kids get kicked to the curb by some arbitrary number which has zero bearing on their actual maturity or ability to govern themselves. And we wonder why Americans overwhelmingly end up alone and uncared for when they are older. Treat your kids like a burden you're anxious to rid yourself of and they'll respond in kind. She's 19, she can't even drink yet. She obviously hasn't been taught any fiscal responsibility up until this point and laying it on her while in a heated argument is absolutely an AH move. I have no issue with helping with expenses, if the money is needed, or requiring a certain percentage of what they make be saved. But this man is punishing her for breaking a rule that didn't exist. He should have sat down in a calm moment and explained to her that carelessness with money will, ultimately, make her anxiety worse and worked out a plan to help her learn to save (which should have been done years ago).
This one didn't get kicked to the curb, though. She's living at home and not contributing at all to the family's income. By the time you're 19, you should be a grownup, whatever country you live in, and if you're living with your parents, you should be helping support the family. When I was a teenager, any money I earned went into the family bank account, and if I wanted to spend any significant money, I had to discuss it with my family first, like a normal person.
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It's important she be able to do things e.g. hair color, that make her happy for her mental health. BUT learning to be a competent and complete human being is actually a really amazing mental health booster that people forget. If she ends up paying rent and being successful at budgeting and still being able to get her hair done now and then she will probably have a lot better mental health status than just splurging at random. Also, she is currently marking time with a (presumed) time-filling job and no big plans about what to do. Having plans in one aspect (i.e. finance) may well help her make plans in other areas i.e. the rest of her life. Having plans and working towards them is a super booster for mental health.
Just throw her in the wild with one knife. If she survives - than she will be able to live further. Otherwise - she will die someday anyway, trying to open canned food.
Give daughter a list of all expenses incurred... including groceries etc. She needs to learn that "adult life" outside of your home is very expensive and sometimes mean (quite often actually). Better now, in the safety of their home, than later to be confronted with a fait accompli and to be shocked to discover that, for example, you not only have to pay for gas and insurance for your car, but also taxes. That you still have to buy food after you buy those cute boots... and it's not nice to have to take a cold shower because you can't afford the gas bill anymore.
People used to say my parents were unfair because I used to have to pay 1/3 of my paychecks to them and 1/3 to savings the rest I could spend any way I wanted...I should also add I had my first job at age 14...my parents bought me a new car when I graduated from high school and I had enough money in my savings to pay for all my books while I went to college whereas all my friends had to use a credit card. I understand where the father is coming from and I think he's absolutely right if she didn't live at home and spent her rent money on her hair then she'd be homeless. It's up to them to teach her how to be responsible.
The father is perfectly right. I know of a girl, who was brought up by just such a stupid mother. She is now 44, lives at home, and has only just started to save, and it is not going so well. She tells me, she wants to find a place of her own, but without any savings, how is that to happen? It is essential in parenting, to teach your child, that money is not limitless, and that there are costs like rent, electricity and food, that are absolutely necessary, when you grow up. Let that girl grow up, please.
My SIL has the same issue with spending. As soon as it comes in it goes out again. My brother thought he could teach her the value of money and how important it is to save. Well three children later now in their teens and she still spends as soon as it arrives. Finally got too much for my brother and she is now my ex SIL. Moral If you are not taught young then often you just never learn.
I'm torn on this one. I have really bad anxiety and one thing that does help me feel better about myself is having my hair styled and dyed the way I want it to be. So, I feel for their daughter (Katie?) but at the same time, I agree with the parents. She needs to learn how to save money and maybe paying rent will be the wake up call that she needs because she most likely won't be able to just go and spend 300 dollars on her hair if she moves out of their house. But, all in all, I don't think anyone is the a$$hole in this situation because they all have valid points.
good grief. she seems like she has a serious spending problem.. hair , clothes, make up, jewelry.
Question: Is $300 a normal price for any dye job, or just for the bleaching and rainbow colors? It seems like an exorbitant amount to me, but I've never had my hair professionally dyed and always did it myself. My current situation of not being able to afford rent, bills, food, gas, etc. may be tainting my view here, but I'd never pay $300 for my hair. And I also suffer from anxiety, depression, bipolar, and more. I've always wanted a fancy dye job, but just couldn't justify paying that much. :( Oh, also, NTA. Daughter needs to learn what it's like in the real world, preferably before she moves out.
I have a pixie cut, and it cost me $80 for the bleaching alone, then another $50 for a single color dye. Each color adds to the price, plus the length of hair will add on, plus any ombre effect will probably add to the time it takes (time = money). And those prices were at a SuperCuts, so not even a private/good salon (just better than what I could do alone at home).
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I dunno If anyone actually read this, but it said the teen has an impulsive disorder, so maybe kinda TA for not considering that part, being the reason for the reckless spending. Maybe have a sit down with her and talk about higher dosages for medication, or actually learning healthier spending habits.
I thought about this too. I know sometimes things like bipolar disorder can contribute to having problems with impulse control.
Load More Replies... Absolute ah. Parents are supposed to help their children learn. Helping her to learn how to save money while paying bit of rent would be a great idea, big help for a girl that's obviously struggling. But nah, instead he figured that it's great idea to keep looking how she's not doing well with savings, suddenly snapped and made up excuse for it. She should move out, this guy is toxic and likely the reason for some of her mental struggle
My mom never taught my sister and I how to spend money, she his all money troubles from us even after we got old enough to understand how money works. If we asked for $1 she started preaching about how we dont need it and how she cant afford it so we never asked for anything even if it was school related because we assumed we'd never be able to afford $20 school fees if mom can't afford a single dollar for a piece of candy. I got told I didnt need a job for most of my life then suddenly my mom changed her tuned and I needed a job NOW or im getting out of her house. Except I didn't know how to get one end when I asked for advice I was told "figure it out". Please for the love of all things holy, TEACH YOUR KIDS YOUNG. DO NOT WAIT until they're old enough to drink to finally start telling them to get their s**t together. Her dad shouldve stood up to her mom a long time ago when she wasnt so stuck in her ways. There's still time to teach her but framing things as a punishment won't help
A lot of people seem to read over the anxiety stuff.. when I was a child my parents gave me a little money everyday on holiday and I had the choice buy something small everyday or safe for the last day and buy something big. They really taught me how to save but in my adult life, living alone I had issues with depression and anxiety and going online and shop was one of my coping mechanism. A really bad one. It took me a long time to turn it into a healthy coping mechanism. I was in my 30's when I first started to buy clothes in fewer quantities but higher quality. Things aren't always black and white and I personally think he should have a real good talk with his daughter one WHY she spends that money like that.
I've been like this and making me pay rent did not learn me anything for years. Once I was on my own things started changing. Making mistakes and being without money when I really needed or wanted something that learned me something.
Me entering: YTA. Me leaving, NTA. It happens with almost every story lol
I've been listening to Tony Robbins "money, master the game" this week Op needs to talk to daughter about saving some money and starting now, also a nominal rent is not unreasonable
My daughter suffers anxiety and depression. She has her own place/job in which she pay all expenses for. 19 yo is using her condition as an excuse and to curse me in my own home where u are living for free will get u kicked out quicker than anything else.
Sigh, this reminds me of my sister - We both live at home (it is normal in our culture) but she refuses to look for work besides teaching online a few hours a week and doesn't contribute to any of the bills and also sleeps most of the day She is going to be 31 this year and it is concerning to say the least
NTA y'all raising spoiled little girl instead of helping her become a woman & adult but if y'all want a selfish dependent that's y'all business just sucks that's what yall might send to the workforce because that baby will struuuuuuggle out here
Sounds like dad and mom need to work out an agreement to be on the same page before dealing with the daughter. There is more going on here than a someone refusing to pay rent.
My sister is 60 and still spends her money like a drunken sailor. She still lives with our parents who are in their 80s but is definitely not a caregiver. She has a “disability” because she is emotionally unstable so she doesn’t work but collects ceramic dolls that cost hundreds of dollars.
I'm gonna be "that guy" just in case nobody else is willing, but even supposing she inherits the house, what does she plan to do about taxes and utilities?
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Dad has declared hair expense a "not needed" expense. Does he fish or golf or collect toy cars? Those are NOT NEEDED. But they help center him. Stop judging. Why'd he wait 19 years to begin teaching financial stability?
YTA - if you don't want to support your kids you shouldnt of had them. your mortgage payments aren't going to change if they're their or not...., so you don't have automatic rights to your kids salary. you could ask them to chip in on stuff you wouldn't have to pay for if they weren't there... percentage of utilities, groceries... etc..
As someone who suffers from anxiety and has gone to group therapy getting her hair dyed may give her a self image boost making her feel stronger even In situations she feels out of her depth 300 is basic for a full color its over priced but most women spend about 200+ from just roots to tips after, the whole industry is over priced as the dye can be about 45-75 depending on how many colors the rest is just that they dont want to be at work all day every day so they jack up the prices I've had issues with my mother and how much she is willing to spend on her hair but it helps her self esteem and I get that so I dont bi**h her out about it. I would buy my own snacks and clothes from 15 with babysitting and mowing lawns, at 19 I was going halvsies on food or paying for my own and doing chores over rent, now I help with her medical bills and house bills I'm 29. Give the kid a break mental health issues suck. Dont act like your other kids make her issues less you had them all. Condoms.
What she chooses to spend her money on is up to her. It sounds like the parents don't understand the cost of things like going to a salón, totally reasonable pricing and it is a form of self care. Parents seem a bit too involved in her life choices, she's an adult, its not really your business at this point. Just like its not your daughters business if you spend $5k on a new sound system for ex. Also making your kids pay for rent seems weird, that's your family your suppose to take care of eachother. Ask her to help around the house if you want. My kids have chores and things, we all help take care of our house. If I was Katie I would move out because the parents are not welcoming and are still treating her like a child. Unfortuntely their treatment will result in not having a good relationship with their daughter in their adult years. You all could have been lifelong friends but instead choose animosity. It's sad but not uncommon. Wish you the best in your future Kate!
Everyone's saying that dad's NTA but I have a different opinion. Dad's saying her daughter suffers anxiety. And impulse control. How in heaven's sake does it help her mentally to get angry at how she spends her money?! It only adds up more anxiety which leads to more impulse shopping! Not helping! Maybe you should have a serious talk with her but from a more positive tone. "We love what you did to your hair. You look beautiful. But we are concerned. We know you're an adult. And you are right, it is your money. But we don't want you to get financial trouble later in life because we love you. Let us help you making up a plan at the beginning of the month to budget the money." That sounds better than getting angry, asking her to pay rent simply because she dyed her hair. Oh, and also not helping: not being on the same wavelength with the mother. As parents you need to form one front
He absolutely had the right to expect her to pay rent while living in his house. He absolutely does not have the right to be critical of how another adult chooses to spend their money. $300 for hair isn't expensive. It's standard. And yes, it is a form is self-care, and as such is beneficial to mental health. There are 2 separate issues here. In one, dad is the AH. In the other, he isn't. Make her pay rent, and shut up about her hair.
Being critical of Kate's personal choices is being an a*****e and not how you build a relationship with adult children. If you want to build a good relationship with your child you need to start building an equal relationship where they feel like they can ask you for advice where you don't turn around and then use it against them to demean who they are as a person. As a young adult they are still finding themselves and being so critical of them is pushing them away and possibly affecting their confidence
Being critical of kates choices is being an a*****e and not how you build a relationship with your adult children
When I finished college I moved back in with my parents and had my first full time job. I think I was getting paid $400 a week. My father asked if I could help with rent and help with chores. I am so grateful to him because he treated me like an adult. Part of this girls anxiety and lack of confidence is because her parents do not treat her like an adult. And if they don't believe that she is an adult who can make it in the big world, why should she? I also don't understand why they would give the rent back when she moves out. That's not how the real world works. Right now she has absolutely no incentive to grow up.
Definitely NTA but I’m baffled by the $300 is reasonable for a hair colour. I get that it depends on where you go, length of hair etc, but I’ve always paid between £40 and £75 for mine and that’s with changing salons over the years 👀
I'm definitely not the expert on the topic, but how long do those colorings last? I'd imagine that's a factor.
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The husband's NTA while the wife is TA! If she was an only child, you might allow her some more leeway BUT you also have to be aware of the example that you're setting for the two younger kids.
Yes absolutely this ridiculous child should have to pay rent if she has so much disposable income to spend on Petty ridiculous things
Everyone on here thinks the dad is making a big deal over the hair when the hair was the last straw the trigger so to speak. The blatant disregard of financial responsibility by the daughter is the actual issue. The daughter gets to live rent free she obviously gets to eat for free as well. To go and spend $300 on something that is all but useless was just plain disrespect. If you can spend that much on trivial things then you can help take care of yourself by paying rent. Its not about the hair its the fact that she takes her parents for granted. She needs to grow up.
I'm confused.. if it IS her money she can spend it any way she wants. If she is supposed to pay "rent" that's fine, too. How are the two topics in any way related?
She has no living expenses and no fiscal responsibility. He wants to teach that responsibility to her, as a parent, as all her purchases are fleeting and barely used, and the rent was effectively the only thing he came up with.
Load More Replies... When I was a teenager the tiniest details matterered like the color of the buttons on my blouse had to be accounted for in the entire outfit scheme. Seriously. Now as a parent, if I find 2 matching socks, I'm golden regardless of what else i wear. You could make the rent 300.00 to prove a point. Then she can learn how it is harder to balance multiple purchases. The wife is wrong and coddling her. Coddled people grow into the shape of the padding they are provided. Those given challenges are the victors of their lives even though it isn't wrong to take a mental health break if she isn't actively working on life skills you need to slowly turn up the heat till she can take on more and deal with more. Like start by having her pay a percentage of the utilities or take over say the electric bill and then she will see her mony wisked away by frivilous long showers etc.
This girl is off the hook! Rent. Now. And a timeline to move out. Your younger kids will pick up on her b******t and victim mentality.
The parents taught their daughter to be a self centered a*****e, and that's exactly what she's doing. Getting your hair colored for your mental health? Absolute garbage! I'm so tired of hearing about these weak whiney people who can't handle normal life situations. Get over yourselves because the rest of us are over your b******t. Shut up,, get a job, and get the f**k out on your own where you belong.
I was 18 got a 1300 tattoo. My dad laughed at me and said hope I like sleep outside. Now i make 6 figures 18 yrs later.
So? Somewhere along the way you learned to be responsible. (Maybe because of your dad?). Lots of people with reckless spending habits never do.
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I will point out that women's (or long-hair, to be gender neutral) haircuts are a lot more expensive bc we get our hair cut a lot less frequently than short haired people. If you do the math on haircut expenditure per year it might work out similar.
The haircut is irrelevant. It's a symptom, not the problem. The daughter needs to learn how to manage money and be able to learn how to support herself. The mother thinks she'll magically work it out but the dad knows she needs to be taught. Let's be real, one day she might have to come to terms with the fact that she can't afford to get her hair cut at all because she's got an electricity bill to pay.
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That is fair, but it's $300 again and again. He said her room was full of stuff and clothes. I'd this were an occasional thing, that'd make more sense, but it sounds pretty constant.
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The hair color was just the last straw. That was never the reason he wanted her to pay rent. She overspends all the time and in fact he wanted her to pay rent all along but his wife wouldn't go along with it.
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He is trying to teach her about the real world and how to spend her money responsibly. You know, like a parent should be. She is going to get a reality check when she does leave and had to pay $1k for rent and $700+ for utilities, food and transportation. If she is making minimum wage she is going to find out quickly that she can't afford the $300 for her hair.
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Then she needs to move out and start paying her way in the world. Her parents are trying to teach her that life costs money. She is an adult and needs to start paying for her life. Her parents are trying to help her save money for her eventually move out. When she is having to pay $1700+ to live she is going to find that the $300 hair is not possible. Kids today don't understand how expensive life is or how to manage money properly. Sure, it's her money, she can go pay for her own food and housing.
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Making the daughter pay rent *because* she got her hair dyed is a dumb (but not necessarily AH) move. Making the daughter pay rent because she is not demonstrating fiscal responsibility and isn't showing any inclination to learn is the smarter move. Dad just got the framing wrong.
It's important to note that Dad also said she would get all the money she paid in rent back when she moved out. So she's not really paying rent; it's a savings program.
Load More Replies... My younger brother lives free with my Ma and he’s 44! She never asks him for rent or contributions of any sort and it effectively means he can withdraw from society with all the life experiences of a 16 year old. Ridiculous…
He'll be the kid at the orphanage telling the youngsters "When I was your age, we couldn't shoot laser beams from our phones."
Load More Replies... Mom is simply an enabler at this point. Completely useless as a parent. What she is doing is setting this girl up for a spending addiction (if she hasn't tipped over into that already). I am sympathetic to mental health issues (I have them myself) but this is not the way to handle them. Rainbow hair will only make her feel good for a little while before she looks for something else to make her feel better. Her rarely worn clothing collection is proof of that. So I see two issues going on here. One is simply that she is young and needs to learn to manage her money better. Since she is unable to do that then making her pay rent makes sense. Secondly, she needs to learn to manage her symptoms in a more healthy way. I have found that things like exercise, breathing exercises and guided meditations help me. She should start observing what things improve her symptoms (other than spending money) and start incorporating those things more into her daily life.
Also she can change her hair if it makes her happy. I am sure her therapist is working with her on other ways to deal with issues. But meditation and breathing doesn't really help everyone. Sometime the answer is to get away from the people you are around. I cut off those people. guess what never happier.
Load More Replies... If he had only decided to start asking for rent because she got her hair colored, that'd be TA. But he's tried before, he said he wanted to earlier. I think he's NTA, but she probably should have learned money management earlier in life. What do y'all wanna bet mom spoiled her?
Yeah. Though I stand by the primary issue actually being with his wife. He wanted to charge rent, the wife said no, then he lashed out at his daughter for not paying rent even though it was his wife's decision. Thats the part thats not cool. She was told "work 30 hours a week and help out around the house." If she meets those expectarions and still gets yelled at, not cool.
Load More Replies... Kate's going to learn that rent and food money are also 'your money that you get to decide on how to spend it'.
Teaching money management starts at age, oh five, not 19. Not saying dad was wrong. But, I always knew that my kids were going to be living in the real world one day without me. They learned coupons ( had a system where they earned half the amount of any coupon I used that they found this was a little older age, I ended up buying three Sunday papers though. Then my middle son aced it when he found triple coupon day!!!) How do you teach a five year old? Ok Kate, you earned five dollars for emptying the trash for a week, from ask the bathrooms. We are at Walmart. There are three toys you want. One is five, one is two, one is ten. You can save for another week, and we'll come back, for the expensive one, you can spend it all, or you can keep there and spend two, and I'll show you how to save the three to get the the other one. You teach. By example as well. I'd be willing to bet there are other money issues in this house. Just saying.
Yeah, I did wonder at the wife's 'she'll have to learn it on her own'. Well how exactly? Is the wife hoping it will fall out a packet of cereal one morning like a free gift? Or her daughter will just suddenly stumble upon it when walking downstairs in the middle of the night? She won't learn it the way they're going about it. They need to stop cushioning her from reality. One of the (many) reasons people end up with mental health problems can be because they don't feel necessary. Their life has little meaning. Going to work and being part of the bigger picture can actually help with things like that. Might not be this woman's problem I know but it all feels a bit as if she's throwing money at trying to make herself feel good and it's not going to help. She needs to feel useful and to find something meaningful to do with her days. Just my take on it anyway.
Load More Replies... Your daughter is currently behaving exactly as you taught her — her parents pay for necessities, including school in the future, and any money she earns is for fun. You need to get her to save and pay rent but be business-like about it and lay off the “while you are under my roof!” stuff that doesn’t work with teenagers.
It is important to note that people with anxiety often struggle with self care and self image. While I can agree that she doesn’t necessarily need to spend that king of money on tings like that, it may be a form of self care. Self care comes in many forms, but the basics is that you do something for you that makes you feel good, like shower, paint you nails, get your hair done, etc. I think that punishing her for this is not the answer. Rather, they should talk with her about her habits and iterate that they are not judging nor condemning her decisions, but that they feel she may need a bit of assistance with learning to save and budget. Perhaps they could help her to come up with a savings and spending plan for her so that she can learn better. She can set aside money for self care or random purchases, some for snacks, some for saving, etc. so that her spending does not necessarily change, but the way she sees it and does it does.
I think part of the problem is that it's not supposed to be a punishment, but it is -kind of- presented that way.
Load More Replies... She reminds me of my sister. What we're looking at isn't "I'm upset you spent $300 on your hair," it's "I'm upset you spent $300 on your hair, $500 on clothes you've worn once, $250 on makeup, all in one month, and $0 towards necessities or anything long term."
She sounds more like my mom..she was bouncing her account with bs and I had to cover her so we didn't get evicted.
Load More Replies... This is sad. She’s 19 and only now learning to pay for bills? Im not sure why people coddle their kids till the bitter end but this is the result. When I started working my first official job at 16 I started paying for stuff. Cell phone bill, car bill, car insurance ect. My mom never made me pay rent but I paid for everything else that was my bill so she didn’t have to. When I moved out I paid my rent and didn’t have a wake up moment when everything hit me at once. It was just another bill to add to the bills I already had. Your not doing your kid any favors.
I got my first job when I was 14, nearly 15. I'll admit I haven't had to pay rent or any bills but that's because my mom, step dad and I live with my stepdad's parents. He and my mom pay rent already. I'll definitely be paying for gas when I start driving by myself. I've still saved up $5k or so (I'm 16 now) though, being financially responsible is something everybody needs to learn. The mom really needs to stop trying to coddle her and the father needs to stop allowing the mom to do so.
Load More Replies... I'm 24 years old. I still live at home. I'm still in college though getting my masters degrees but my parents would Never Come UP with something like that. They Say that paying for school, for necessary things , etc is their responsibility as parents. If I go anywhere with my parents, they Never let me pay anything. I also have a younger sibling who's 19 and they're the same with him. She's just 19 and she has had her first Real taste of freedom of spending. Sure, she could be more independant and less carefree with her spending but she's literally working a full Time job. (In France, that's 35 hours a week) She's not asking her parents to buy her that stuff but she's using her own money. I understand her POV entirely. She's young, she wants to have fun and she's not acting spoiled or entitled for wanting to have a gap year to figure herself out. It hasn't even been a year since she began earning her own money and you already want to throw her under thé bus? That's harsh!
Plus, being financially responsible, while being a favorable goal was not included in your original agreement. You are applying a parenting mentality ( fine since you are her parents) of my house, my rules while simultaneously acting like a landlord. That's hypocritical and you're clearly the AH in my opinion. You should have a proper adult conversation with her, telling her it's for her own good and for future difficulties. Let her try to budget her own spending for a month including food, utilities and rent and tell her it's acceptable to spend the rest as she wishes. She will naturally restrain her spree buying habits. If she doesn't, she might need to see a psyciatrist because that kind of stuff Can bé triggered by depression and considering thé last 2 years, it might juste be what she needs.No need to strong arm and patronize her if she's an adult and has to pay "rent". Plus, that could make her feel like her parents don't give a damn about her anymore and are making he a tenant.
Load More Replies... Listen, I totally agree that your appearance is important to your mental health (I firmly believe in “look good, feel good” and a lot of my “fun money” is directed towards makeup, hair dye & products, nail polish, and skincare) and it’s silly to view “you spent $300 on hair” as the evidence behind the argument “you should pay rent”. However, it’s not unreasonable to ask your adult child working close to full time to pay a couple hundred dollars a month in rent. I lived in a dorm my first year of college but by my sophomore year, age 19, I was completely independent from my parents. I fully supported myself and paid for my apartment, my education, and all my living expenses, insurance, and healthcare. The only reason I was able to do it is because I was working and responsible for some of my living expenses at age 16. My brother and I were given responsibilities as teenagers and that taught us how to BE responsible with money. The result is we are 22 & 23yo college graduates, one with a
full time job (my brother) and one in grad school (me). A lot of our friends and cousins struggle with money because their parents didn’t teach them how to budget, how to save, and how to pay bills and then they just expected their teens to know what to do when they move out? Our parents making us have jobs and pay for some of our expenses as teens showed us what to do, and we still had the safety of our parents to catch us if we fell, you know? My partner moved out right at 18 and their parents managed their money until they were like 19 bc their parents never bothered to teach budgeting. They thought it’d be easier on their kids managing their financials for them but didn’t consider that they’d be adults someday and need to handle it themselves. Even though I had to work and pay for my expenses at 16, my anxiety over money and adulthood was actually reduced bc I had the practice my friends weren’t given.
Load More Replies... well hell a month ago i had my whole head dyed sapphire blue for shits n grins and it cost me 275$. so yeah that's what processing and dyeing hair costs. ftr i'm a 44M w past shoulder length hair. yes ppl need to be responsible but you also need to do something fun for your mental and emotional health once in a while. i can see both sides.
People can do what the hell they want with their hair and spend whatever money they like on it but when we are adults it comes after we pay for the necessities in life. No-one is teaching her that. Let's be honest, dying hair isn't really going to be any more than a sticking plaster on a torn artery when it comes to solving mental health issues. Fun is important but she isn't actually doing anything else. Her money is only going on clothes, spas, jewellery etc. Reality needs to set in. She needs to find something more meaningful than the next buzz that comes from buying things. Her mother is enabling her but not actually helping her.
Load More Replies... NTA, my mother was a single parent and the deal was I could either go to school full time or work, if I worked I paid towards household expenses. By choice I worked and went to school both full time also by choice I paid the cable, phone and would pay the gas bill in the winter. I purchased a house on my own bc I leaned how to budget. $300 for hair is ridiculous, she'll learn that quickly when she doesn't have disposable income.
This is actually an issue with the mother/wife because this person didn't actually agree with the way the arrangement was initially setup. I think this, I assume father, is not wrong for wanting to charge rent. And the fact that the rent was actually savings the daughter got back is really great, though I wouldn't tell her because forced savings on your behalf would not sit as well with most people. Theres the illusion that the money is still hers rather then just gone, which would likely cause strain if she decided she needes it for something. That said, reactionarily charging rent because you dont approve of her purchases is stupid. Like, the feelings make sense, but if you established previously that she's an adult that can learn at her own pace and is meeting the previously established agreement, you can't turn the tables because you suddenly have feelings.
I wish this were higher up, because it's spot on. Expectations were set, and Kate has been functioning within in them. OP doesn't like the expectations.
Load More Replies... I'm sorry, I agree with her. And the mom. If she wants to spend that money then whatever, you can't force ur kids to do anything. Go ahead, kick her out, but then you'll REALLY look like an AH there. I get first world countries are way more independent, but it's not fair to shove ur own kid out because they spend their money on dumb sh-. I'm 20 living with my dad and going to college and working. NY college is fast paced so I have no time to do ANYTHING. AT ALL. I can't go to friends, I can't go out, I can't relax. It's a 4 year program shortened to 1 year. Ofc it's not the exact same but u bet ur a*s I don't listen when my dad says to become a maid as soon as I get home. I don't have time to be a housewife, and fr it's not ur kids responsibility for that anyway. If she wants to spend on reckless dumb things that's smth you have to let happen and see her fall in order to realize what it's like. Making her have a savings plan will not do absolutely anything.
To add. As soon as she gets the savings back she will spend it. So stop forcing it on her and let her fail on her own. I don't understand how you can't see down the road, if she's doing this now and u make her save, she's just gonna do it again later. I have a friend who is JUST like that. Spends all her money and now she's moving to a very expensive city and wanted me to come but I declined cuz ik I don't have the funds. She's going anyway with no money. She will realize the decision she made and you're suppose to be there to support them, not ridicule. That's why when she calls me saying she has nowhere and no one, I won't say "I told u so", I'll pick her up and bring her back cuz that's all you can do. It's the only way u can teach an older person how to save reasonably. You should've started teaching it when she was a kid tbh.
Load More Replies... She needs to be responsible and learn it now. When I was at home my parents gave me three options. One. Move and live on my own. Two. Go to college full time and work part time and live at home for free. Third. Work full time and help with bills and food. I did option two and when graduating I remain at parents house for two years helping with bills and food while I saved.
Why is everyone hung up on the hair? It has nothing to do with that, it has to do with blowing the money and not saving for her future. Sure, she is still his child, but she is not a kid.
I paid rent when I got my first job as a teenager. One thing I learned from my Mother's bad example was to pay your bills first, then the rest is yours to play with, and you don't have to worry about being overdrawn because you spent to much on c**p you don't need at the grocery store, and not having money to pay your phone bill after. No, we weren't poor. She was just really bad with money.
When I was forced to move back home after college because I couldn't find a job, I finally cut my losses and went back to work at the factory I worked at during the summers to work my way through college, then my parents complained about my working at a factory when it was the only job I could get, and I had no car, and the factory was within biking distance.
They wouldn't let me borrow a car, co-sign for a loan, or take me to more than two job interviews. Apparently I was a failure because I didn't get every job I interviewed for. I saved every penny I could to try to move out and my mom wanted me to pay rent, I told her that would just prolong my living at home because I needed to save up for a security deposit. I moved out as soon as I possibly could. Now she wonders why I never visit.
Load More Replies... I left school at 18 and immediately had to start paying rent. And it wasn't a "token" rent either. I never got the money back and why should I have? I eat food, I use electricity and I lived in a house where the mortgage was still being paid so why should I not have contributed. After all if I was living away from home I would have to pay for all these things. It was great training on my parents' part to get me ready for the real world where you have to pay. I was allowed to use what money I had left to buy what I wanted but I had to pay my rent first. If I couldn't pay for what I wanted in one week then I just had to save. Through all this I was taught to get my priorities right as far as paying for what I needed first, a roof over my head food, electricity etc and then I could get what I wanted even if I had to save for it. I have always been grateful to my parents for teaching these valuable life lessons which has always stood me well all my life.
From the age of 12 my parents gave me a monthly allowance that had to cover everything that wasn't food or housing. The allowance grew as I got older, and so did the list of chores I had to do to earn it. They mostly did it because it was convenient, but it did mean that I've always been very responsible with money
Very soft EHS. I think it's good that the parent wants to protect her from financial struggle, and she is definitely in the wrong for her spending habits, but she is correct that it's her money to spend. Sometimes the best way to teach is to let people figure it out themselves.
Eugh...I was 21 before I felt ready to leave home, and as a step in that direction lived with my older brother for a year; paying a share of the rent, and after that managing to secure an apartment of my own. I never have much money to spare but I've stayed launched, unlike the rest of my siblings, who needed a few tries each to find general footing. (In and of itself, not a bad thing. Nobody in the family is ever going to go hungry or not have a bed to sleep in, in general. Usually long enough to regroup and try again.) I paid a nominal rent until I left home, after graduating high school (but not before then as I was still in school), contributed where requested, and already knew not to be stupid with my money. Comes with living in poverty, I guess. Most of my side expenses are planned ahead, often months in advance. Rent first, bills second, food third. In that order.
This reminds me of the people who see those on SNAP or medicaid with nails done or buying a cake and freaking out about them being on any sort of welfare and also having something for themselves. She's working at least 30 hours a week and helping out around the house. It's not like she's spending her allowance and never getting off the couch. If parents choose to end their financial obligation to their kids when they become adults, that's fine, but it will effect your relationship with your children. He's complaining about her not going to college, but says she doesn't know what she wants to do....with how expensive college is nowadays, doesn't that actually make more financial sense? How you treat your children when you're no longer legally required to take care of them is going to have an impact on how they treat YOU when you need their help and they're not legally required to give it to you.
We really need people's poverty to LOOK abject, don't we?
Load More Replies... I dont agree with the dad in this one, the way he talks... Its like, everything she does/own is meaningless for him... Not for her to. The girl on the other hand, is old enought to know what she can and cant do. Cant tell whats the economic situation of the family, but appears to be in the range where the 300 do make a difference. Both seens a bit worng to me, but not a reason to kik your kid out (or ask for rent IMO. There are other ways to teach).
That's exactly the issue isn't it? She's *old enough* to know what she can and can't do, but she doesn't. But I'd like to hear your idea on the other ways to teach you mentioned.
Load More Replies... I know a family who's son had to be put into a mental hospital for a few days and they locked up the knives for a time, and even still, because their son is now over 18 and not currently doing any schooling, he has to pay rent. Their reasoning: the parents have to pay to live in the house, so can he too. (They allowed him to vacation in Florida and put a pause on the rent, but again, he didn't spring it on them, so they allowed him to have a little fun) If my kid was over 18, was working and not in school and come home with useless, expensive stuff or a super extravagant trip that they didn't clear with me, I would start charging them some rent. Frankly, when the daughter decided she didn't want to go school, that is what they should have done from the start. So if she came home with expensive rainbow hair, there wouldn't be room for the parents to complain because they already agreed on rent and she can spend the rest of her money as she sees fit.
I'd like to start seeing replies to AITA posts that include reasonable YTA, NTA, and ESH. It's great to see people who agree with my own point and their reasoning, but I also want to see people who disagree for whatever reason and why. They may have valid points I hadn't considered; may not change my mind, but exposure to different views is necessary.
I agree there, I get they probably just take top posts, but it's always weird for it all to look so unanimous.
Load More Replies... Exactly....that rainbow dye job is going to fade out really fast!
Load More Replies... Most people are not self taught at anything. They were educated, trained, shown, etc. How is she supposed to learn how to save and manage money if she is never shown the way? The token rent idea definitely is the right path
She's 19 years old.. you can legally kick her out if the behaviour continues like this. Let's see how she manages then. I suffer from bad mental health too, but I know how to save money ffs. She's just an entitled brat who needs to learn how to be an adult.
If she spends like this without learning to save, what happens if something happens to the parents & they can't take care of her anymore?? The Dad is tight & the Mom is WRONG!! Daughter sounds like she is taking advantage of the fact she has mental issues, which is bull!
Okay to everyone saying $300 for her hair isn't bad, etc....in 4-6 weeks she'll need it done again!!! Those rainbow colors fade really fast and you're left with weird faded colors until you do it again or dye over it! So yeah that IS a lot of money to spend on "mental health". I color my own hair at home because it's so much cheaper and lasts just as long as the expensive trip to the salon.
The Dad would be an a*****e if he would NOT try and to prepare her for living as an adult. My parents supported me through uni, I moved out with 19, had a very tight budget and Thank God (and my parents) for being able to learn it step by step - with only a small room in a shared flat, food and the most basic utilities. There is so much that comes on top of that: Insurances, saving, mortgages, retirement. The girl is 19 - an adult. She needs to start acting like one.
I started to pay for my own things (cell phones, clothes) after I got my first job. I started contributing to the utilities and paid rent after graduation. And I was the one who offered to pay rent after school. The dad's NTA, he could have worded it better sure, but she needs to contribute to the house as an adult now. And if she was being responsible with her money and put some aside of her hair her dad wouldn't see any issue with it.
The wife is just flat-out wrong here. The daughter will never learn responsibility and how to live in the real world if they don't teach her. I've had to deal with the result of this type of parenting - where the kid doesn't have chores, responsibilities or even a freaking paper route job - and when they go off to college and *have* to get a job to earn spending money, buy food or pay rent, they are clueless. I've had to teach 21-yr-olds how to wash dishes, sweep & mop a floor and do laundry. Not to mention teaching them how to make change when running a cash register that didn't calculate it for them, and how to count it back to the customer. Basic skills that they should have already known.
There's nothing wrong with spending $300 to improve your mental health. That's a wonderful investment that will be paid back many times over. Better mental health leads to better jobs and better decisions. It pays for itself over and over again. Taking care of your mental health is not a load of c**p. $300 for better mental health is a steal.
Ion understand this at all lol. I been living on my own since 17 so I appreciate the “its my money i can do what i want with it” thing… go move out and spend ya money how u want then girl. If she wont learn from yall the world will leaen her up real quick
Ah yes...19yr olds.. I had 5. I've concluded that nature & evolution dictate that they come utterly obnoxious so that the parent ejects them from the cave. They need to go forth & survive in the wild. Dad isn't necessarily an AH, but he & mum aren't doing the daughter or themselves any favors trying to strong-arm parent an adult child. A few of m' children needed the " Yes. This IS a free country- on the other side of my door. Keys please." chat.
First off, dad and mom need to get on the same page. As far as the daughter, I have severe anxiety, where it has sometimes manifests in bad financial decisions in the past, however, I'm on 3 different meds for it. Having a savings program is a great idea. Discussing cheaper alternatives is an option I would take as well as charging rent. Right now,it comes off as a choice (rent or copping mechanisms) And unless, dad gets a conservatorship, it's still her money, which he has no say in. Again, he and mom needs to get on the same page, until then, I highly doubt rent will be charged (mom will give it right back, undermining dad), and nothing will change.
They're both valid. No real a*****e. The daughter does need to learn to budget and save. The father does need to think about her emotional well being. He wants to help her and she wants to help herself. Neither person is ultimately wrong. It sounds more like there is more of a shallow discussion than anything.
Nobody is an a*****e in this situation, but the father is going about talking to his daughter the wrong way. From what he's been telling us, it seems very much like he cares, but we have no clue how he actually talked to her. Everyone exaggerates situations, especially when it comes to something that's bothering them, or when they want to make themselves seem better than they are. That's something to keep in mind. If this girl is in a situation where anything fun she gets for herself is seen as a stupid buy from her parents, like my parents always told me, then what does it matter to her whether she gets a little trinket or a multi hundred dollar service? That's the issue here. People don't act impulsively unless it's a totally new and unexpected occurrence. There's more to this story than this father is letting on, and I'm not saying he's intentionally trying to hide anything, but I don't think he's looking at this from the angle his daughter is.
Sounds like 19 is a little late to leave money management conversations and there should have been lessons about budgeting long ago. If daughter thinks she has $300 disposable income for hair because she DOES then the knee-jerk reaction to suddenly institute rent is a backwards way of approaching financial education. Daughter does need some sense of responsibility towards household expenses and solid financial lessons but it will feel disingenuous if it's perceived solely as a reaction to the hair.
She's 19 and she isn't saving her money up?? Jesus Christ, I've been saving up since I first got my job. I've spent some of that money but I've still got like $5k or so in the bank and I'm 16. The dad is NTA for wanting her to learn financial responsibility. It's an important thing to know.
Okay, she has anxiety, fine. I battle with my own "dragons" (anxiety, depression, ptsd), but I'm honest with my therapist. It's the only way I can learn to control/not be controlled. I'm working through it, it's not easy. But it's a step in the process when you discuss the overspending. Or it'll get worse. Maybe even dangerous.
Dad is totally in the right to ask rent. She's over 18 and not in college and has a job. Nothing wrong with getting your hair done but she needs to learn budgeting. I moved out the day i turned 18 but never had guidance on saving or fiscal responsibility, took years to not blow every paycheck as i got it. Bills got paid first but 13 days later would be scraping quarters for gas to get to work for payday
Isn't that exactly what he was suggesting? To charge rent? How can he be TA when your suggestion is the same?
Load More Replies... This post is so... USA. Find me another country where kids get kicked to the curb by some arbitrary number which has zero bearing on their actual maturity or ability to govern themselves. And we wonder why Americans overwhelmingly end up alone and uncared for when they are older. Treat your kids like a burden you're anxious to rid yourself of and they'll respond in kind. She's 19, she can't even drink yet. She obviously hasn't been taught any fiscal responsibility up until this point and laying it on her while in a heated argument is absolutely an AH move. I have no issue with helping with expenses, if the money is needed, or requiring a certain percentage of what they make be saved. But this man is punishing her for breaking a rule that didn't exist. He should have sat down in a calm moment and explained to her that carelessness with money will, ultimately, make her anxiety worse and worked out a plan to help her learn to save (which should have been done years ago).
This one didn't get kicked to the curb, though. She's living at home and not contributing at all to the family's income. By the time you're 19, you should be a grownup, whatever country you live in, and if you're living with your parents, you should be helping support the family. When I was a teenager, any money I earned went into the family bank account, and if I wanted to spend any significant money, I had to discuss it with my family first, like a normal person.
Load More Replies... It's important she be able to do things e.g. hair color, that make her happy for her mental health. BUT learning to be a competent and complete human being is actually a really amazing mental health booster that people forget. If she ends up paying rent and being successful at budgeting and still being able to get her hair done now and then she will probably have a lot better mental health status than just splurging at random. Also, she is currently marking time with a (presumed) time-filling job and no big plans about what to do. Having plans in one aspect (i.e. finance) may well help her make plans in other areas i.e. the rest of her life. Having plans and working towards them is a super booster for mental health.
Just throw her in the wild with one knife. If she survives - than she will be able to live further. Otherwise - she will die someday anyway, trying to open canned food.
Give daughter a list of all expenses incurred... including groceries etc. She needs to learn that "adult life" outside of your home is very expensive and sometimes mean (quite often actually). Better now, in the safety of their home, than later to be confronted with a fait accompli and to be shocked to discover that, for example, you not only have to pay for gas and insurance for your car, but also taxes. That you still have to buy food after you buy those cute boots... and it's not nice to have to take a cold shower because you can't afford the gas bill anymore.
People used to say my parents were unfair because I used to have to pay 1/3 of my paychecks to them and 1/3 to savings the rest I could spend any way I wanted...I should also add I had my first job at age 14...my parents bought me a new car when I graduated from high school and I had enough money in my savings to pay for all my books while I went to college whereas all my friends had to use a credit card. I understand where the father is coming from and I think he's absolutely right if she didn't live at home and spent her rent money on her hair then she'd be homeless. It's up to them to teach her how to be responsible.
The father is perfectly right. I know of a girl, who was brought up by just such a stupid mother. She is now 44, lives at home, and has only just started to save, and it is not going so well. She tells me, she wants to find a place of her own, but without any savings, how is that to happen? It is essential in parenting, to teach your child, that money is not limitless, and that there are costs like rent, electricity and food, that are absolutely necessary, when you grow up. Let that girl grow up, please.
My SIL has the same issue with spending. As soon as it comes in it goes out again. My brother thought he could teach her the value of money and how important it is to save. Well three children later now in their teens and she still spends as soon as it arrives. Finally got too much for my brother and she is now my ex SIL. Moral If you are not taught young then often you just never learn.
I'm torn on this one. I have really bad anxiety and one thing that does help me feel better about myself is having my hair styled and dyed the way I want it to be. So, I feel for their daughter (Katie?) but at the same time, I agree with the parents. She needs to learn how to save money and maybe paying rent will be the wake up call that she needs because she most likely won't be able to just go and spend 300 dollars on her hair if she moves out of their house. But, all in all, I don't think anyone is the a$$hole in this situation because they all have valid points.
good grief. she seems like she has a serious spending problem.. hair , clothes, make up, jewelry.
Question: Is $300 a normal price for any dye job, or just for the bleaching and rainbow colors? It seems like an exorbitant amount to me, but I've never had my hair professionally dyed and always did it myself. My current situation of not being able to afford rent, bills, food, gas, etc. may be tainting my view here, but I'd never pay $300 for my hair. And I also suffer from anxiety, depression, bipolar, and more. I've always wanted a fancy dye job, but just couldn't justify paying that much. :( Oh, also, NTA. Daughter needs to learn what it's like in the real world, preferably before she moves out.
I have a pixie cut, and it cost me $80 for the bleaching alone, then another $50 for a single color dye. Each color adds to the price, plus the length of hair will add on, plus any ombre effect will probably add to the time it takes (time = money). And those prices were at a SuperCuts, so not even a private/good salon (just better than what I could do alone at home).
Load More Replies... I dunno If anyone actually read this, but it said the teen has an impulsive disorder, so maybe kinda TA for not considering that part, being the reason for the reckless spending. Maybe have a sit down with her and talk about higher dosages for medication, or actually learning healthier spending habits.
I thought about this too. I know sometimes things like bipolar disorder can contribute to having problems with impulse control.
Load More Replies... Absolute ah. Parents are supposed to help their children learn. Helping her to learn how to save money while paying bit of rent would be a great idea, big help for a girl that's obviously struggling. But nah, instead he figured that it's great idea to keep looking how she's not doing well with savings, suddenly snapped and made up excuse for it. She should move out, this guy is toxic and likely the reason for some of her mental struggle
My mom never taught my sister and I how to spend money, she his all money troubles from us even after we got old enough to understand how money works. If we asked for $1 she started preaching about how we dont need it and how she cant afford it so we never asked for anything even if it was school related because we assumed we'd never be able to afford $20 school fees if mom can't afford a single dollar for a piece of candy. I got told I didnt need a job for most of my life then suddenly my mom changed her tuned and I needed a job NOW or im getting out of her house. Except I didn't know how to get one end when I asked for advice I was told "figure it out". Please for the love of all things holy, TEACH YOUR KIDS YOUNG. DO NOT WAIT until they're old enough to drink to finally start telling them to get their s**t together. Her dad shouldve stood up to her mom a long time ago when she wasnt so stuck in her ways. There's still time to teach her but framing things as a punishment won't help
A lot of people seem to read over the anxiety stuff.. when I was a child my parents gave me a little money everyday on holiday and I had the choice buy something small everyday or safe for the last day and buy something big. They really taught me how to save but in my adult life, living alone I had issues with depression and anxiety and going online and shop was one of my coping mechanism. A really bad one. It took me a long time to turn it into a healthy coping mechanism. I was in my 30's when I first started to buy clothes in fewer quantities but higher quality. Things aren't always black and white and I personally think he should have a real good talk with his daughter one WHY she spends that money like that.
I've been like this and making me pay rent did not learn me anything for years. Once I was on my own things started changing. Making mistakes and being without money when I really needed or wanted something that learned me something.
Me entering: YTA. Me leaving, NTA. It happens with almost every story lol
I've been listening to Tony Robbins "money, master the game" this week Op needs to talk to daughter about saving some money and starting now, also a nominal rent is not unreasonable
My daughter suffers anxiety and depression. She has her own place/job in which she pay all expenses for. 19 yo is using her condition as an excuse and to curse me in my own home where u are living for free will get u kicked out quicker than anything else.
Sigh, this reminds me of my sister - We both live at home (it is normal in our culture) but she refuses to look for work besides teaching online a few hours a week and doesn't contribute to any of the bills and also sleeps most of the day She is going to be 31 this year and it is concerning to say the least
NTA y'all raising spoiled little girl instead of helping her become a woman & adult but if y'all want a selfish dependent that's y'all business just sucks that's what yall might send to the workforce because that baby will struuuuuuggle out here
Sounds like dad and mom need to work out an agreement to be on the same page before dealing with the daughter. There is more going on here than a someone refusing to pay rent.
My sister is 60 and still spends her money like a drunken sailor. She still lives with our parents who are in their 80s but is definitely not a caregiver. She has a “disability” because she is emotionally unstable so she doesn’t work but collects ceramic dolls that cost hundreds of dollars.
I'm gonna be "that guy" just in case nobody else is willing, but even supposing she inherits the house, what does she plan to do about taxes and utilities?
Load More Replies... Dad has declared hair expense a "not needed" expense. Does he fish or golf or collect toy cars? Those are NOT NEEDED. But they help center him. Stop judging. Why'd he wait 19 years to begin teaching financial stability?
YTA - if you don't want to support your kids you shouldnt of had them. your mortgage payments aren't going to change if they're their or not...., so you don't have automatic rights to your kids salary. you could ask them to chip in on stuff you wouldn't have to pay for if they weren't there... percentage of utilities, groceries... etc..
As someone who suffers from anxiety and has gone to group therapy getting her hair dyed may give her a self image boost making her feel stronger even In situations she feels out of her depth 300 is basic for a full color its over priced but most women spend about 200+ from just roots to tips after, the whole industry is over priced as the dye can be about 45-75 depending on how many colors the rest is just that they dont want to be at work all day every day so they jack up the prices I've had issues with my mother and how much she is willing to spend on her hair but it helps her self esteem and I get that so I dont bi**h her out about it. I would buy my own snacks and clothes from 15 with babysitting and mowing lawns, at 19 I was going halvsies on food or paying for my own and doing chores over rent, now I help with her medical bills and house bills I'm 29. Give the kid a break mental health issues suck. Dont act like your other kids make her issues less you had them all. Condoms.
What she chooses to spend her money on is up to her. It sounds like the parents don't understand the cost of things like going to a salón, totally reasonable pricing and it is a form of self care. Parents seem a bit too involved in her life choices, she's an adult, its not really your business at this point. Just like its not your daughters business if you spend $5k on a new sound system for ex. Also making your kids pay for rent seems weird, that's your family your suppose to take care of eachother. Ask her to help around the house if you want. My kids have chores and things, we all help take care of our house. If I was Katie I would move out because the parents are not welcoming and are still treating her like a child. Unfortuntely their treatment will result in not having a good relationship with their daughter in their adult years. You all could have been lifelong friends but instead choose animosity. It's sad but not uncommon. Wish you the best in your future Kate!
Everyone's saying that dad's NTA but I have a different opinion. Dad's saying her daughter suffers anxiety. And impulse control. How in heaven's sake does it help her mentally to get angry at how she spends her money?! It only adds up more anxiety which leads to more impulse shopping! Not helping! Maybe you should have a serious talk with her but from a more positive tone. "We love what you did to your hair. You look beautiful. But we are concerned. We know you're an adult. And you are right, it is your money. But we don't want you to get financial trouble later in life because we love you. Let us help you making up a plan at the beginning of the month to budget the money." That sounds better than getting angry, asking her to pay rent simply because she dyed her hair. Oh, and also not helping: not being on the same wavelength with the mother. As parents you need to form one front
He absolutely had the right to expect her to pay rent while living in his house. He absolutely does not have the right to be critical of how another adult chooses to spend their money. $300 for hair isn't expensive. It's standard. And yes, it is a form is self-care, and as such is beneficial to mental health. There are 2 separate issues here. In one, dad is the AH. In the other, he isn't. Make her pay rent, and shut up about her hair.
Being critical of Kate's personal choices is being an a*****e and not how you build a relationship with adult children. If you want to build a good relationship with your child you need to start building an equal relationship where they feel like they can ask you for advice where you don't turn around and then use it against them to demean who they are as a person. As a young adult they are still finding themselves and being so critical of them is pushing them away and possibly affecting their confidence
Being critical of kates choices is being an a*****e and not how you build a relationship with your adult children
When I finished college I moved back in with my parents and had my first full time job. I think I was getting paid $400 a week. My father asked if I could help with rent and help with chores. I am so grateful to him because he treated me like an adult. Part of this girls anxiety and lack of confidence is because her parents do not treat her like an adult. And if they don't believe that she is an adult who can make it in the big world, why should she? I also don't understand why they would give the rent back when she moves out. That's not how the real world works. Right now she has absolutely no incentive to grow up.
Definitely NTA but I’m baffled by the $300 is reasonable for a hair colour. I get that it depends on where you go, length of hair etc, but I’ve always paid between £40 and £75 for mine and that’s with changing salons over the years 👀
I'm definitely not the expert on the topic, but how long do those colorings last? I'd imagine that's a factor.
Load More Replies... The husband's NTA while the wife is TA! If she was an only child, you might allow her some more leeway BUT you also have to be aware of the example that you're setting for the two younger kids.
Yes absolutely this ridiculous child should have to pay rent if she has so much disposable income to spend on Petty ridiculous things
Everyone on here thinks the dad is making a big deal over the hair when the hair was the last straw the trigger so to speak. The blatant disregard of financial responsibility by the daughter is the actual issue. The daughter gets to live rent free she obviously gets to eat for free as well. To go and spend $300 on something that is all but useless was just plain disrespect. If you can spend that much on trivial things then you can help take care of yourself by paying rent. Its not about the hair its the fact that she takes her parents for granted. She needs to grow up.
I'm confused.. if it IS her money she can spend it any way she wants. If she is supposed to pay "rent" that's fine, too. How are the two topics in any way related?
She has no living expenses and no fiscal responsibility. He wants to teach that responsibility to her, as a parent, as all her purchases are fleeting and barely used, and the rent was effectively the only thing he came up with.
Load More Replies... When I was a teenager the tiniest details matterered like the color of the buttons on my blouse had to be accounted for in the entire outfit scheme. Seriously. Now as a parent, if I find 2 matching socks, I'm golden regardless of what else i wear. You could make the rent 300.00 to prove a point. Then she can learn how it is harder to balance multiple purchases. The wife is wrong and coddling her. Coddled people grow into the shape of the padding they are provided. Those given challenges are the victors of their lives even though it isn't wrong to take a mental health break if she isn't actively working on life skills you need to slowly turn up the heat till she can take on more and deal with more. Like start by having her pay a percentage of the utilities or take over say the electric bill and then she will see her mony wisked away by frivilous long showers etc.
This girl is off the hook! Rent. Now. And a timeline to move out. Your younger kids will pick up on her b******t and victim mentality.
The parents taught their daughter to be a self centered a*****e, and that's exactly what she's doing. Getting your hair colored for your mental health? Absolute garbage! I'm so tired of hearing about these weak whiney people who can't handle normal life situations. Get over yourselves because the rest of us are over your b******t. Shut up,, get a job, and get the f**k out on your own where you belong.
I was 18 got a 1300 tattoo. My dad laughed at me and said hope I like sleep outside. Now i make 6 figures 18 yrs later.
So? Somewhere along the way you learned to be responsible. (Maybe because of your dad?). Lots of people with reckless spending habits never do.
Load More Replies... I will point out that women's (or long-hair, to be gender neutral) haircuts are a lot more expensive bc we get our hair cut a lot less frequently than short haired people. If you do the math on haircut expenditure per year it might work out similar.
The haircut is irrelevant. It's a symptom, not the problem. The daughter needs to learn how to manage money and be able to learn how to support herself. The mother thinks she'll magically work it out but the dad knows she needs to be taught. Let's be real, one day she might have to come to terms with the fact that she can't afford to get her hair cut at all because she's got an electricity bill to pay.
Load More Replies... That is fair, but it's $300 again and again. He said her room was full of stuff and clothes. I'd this were an occasional thing, that'd make more sense, but it sounds pretty constant.
Load More Replies... The hair color was just the last straw. That was never the reason he wanted her to pay rent. She overspends all the time and in fact he wanted her to pay rent all along but his wife wouldn't go along with it.
Load More Replies... He is trying to teach her about the real world and how to spend her money responsibly. You know, like a parent should be. She is going to get a reality check when she does leave and had to pay $1k for rent and $700+ for utilities, food and transportation. If she is making minimum wage she is going to find out quickly that she can't afford the $300 for her hair.
Load More Replies... Then she needs to move out and start paying her way in the world. Her parents are trying to teach her that life costs money. She is an adult and needs to start paying for her life. Her parents are trying to help her save money for her eventually move out. When she is having to pay $1700+ to live she is going to find that the $300 hair is not possible. Kids today don't understand how expensive life is or how to manage money properly. Sure, it's her money, she can go pay for her own food and housing.
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