“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”
When you see someone parenting their child and you are convinced that it’s not the way to do it, it’s hard to hold back and not say anything, but it’s not your place to teach the parent how to raise their kid.
But some situations require you to speak your mind and this Reddit user was pushed into one. She was allowed to take her niece on a ski trip, but later, her mom changed her mind. However, she didn’t want their daughter to be mad at her, so she asked the aunt to lie to her niece and tell her that the trip was canceled. The woman thought it was wrong for the parents to ask her to lie to their daughter to save them from her anger, but is conflicted because the niece will definitely be really mad at her mom.
More info: Reddit
Aunt finally was able to take her niece skiing, but the parents changed their mind and she was asked to take the blame
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Image credits: Mario A.P. (not the actual image)
The Original Poster (OP) has an older brother who got his girlfriend pregnant when he was 19 years old. They both stayed together and raised their daughter Ashley, who is now 11 years old, and they also had a son who is currently 4 years old.
The niece is described as “bright and thoughtful, just a pleasure to have around” and the OP actually became pretty close with her despite seeing her only a few times a year as they stay connected online.
This woman’s brother had a daughter when he was 19 and she really bonded with the girl, so despite not seeing her very often, they always keep in touch
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_d1f92f49414c1134a57191ce560c7057.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
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Image credits: u/throwaway_neiceski
Every year the woman and her boyfriend go skiing for New Years after coming to visit the family for Christmas. Hugo, the older brother, and Amy, his wife, allowed the OP to take Ashley on that skiing trip.
Ashley was thrilled about the news as she is going to a private school, which her grandparents are paying for, and it is full of rich kids who go on lavish vacations all the time, but her family doesn’t.
As the OP explained in the comments, her and her brother’s parents cut off their financing when they moved out of the family home and forced them to make a living themselves, but they really cared about their grandchild’s education, so they offered to pay for the private school.
The girl is now 11 and her parents for the first time allowed her to go on the aunt’s annual skiing trip
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Image credits: u/throwaway_neiceski
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The woman suspects that Ashley’s parents didn’t know what they were signing their daughter up for, but they also believed it would academically benefit their daughter. But she is now living in a different world than her parents where money, nice cars and luxury bags play an important role.
It was evident from an incident during dinner when Ashley asked her aunt to chaperone her to go ice skating with her friends because her boyfriend rented a sports car, when it was already agreed that her mom would take her there.
The OP didn’t mind spending her day with kids, but she also didn’t want to ruin Amy’s plans, especially because she knew that her sister-in-law doesn’t really like her. That is when Ashley started insulting her mom. The Redditor wanted the parents to have the last say because she genuinely believes that it’s not her place to parent their kid and make decisions for them.
The poster of the story is what you could call a cool aunt and the girl also wanted her to chaperone her ice skating trip with her friends
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Image credits: u/throwaway_neiceski
But according to the aunt, it wasn’t just a simple teenager’s outburst about wanting to look cool. She talked with Ashley and the girl opened up about how she feels suffocated by her mother and doesn’t like how she constantly inserts herself in her social life. And as an 11-year-old she doesn’t really know how else she can create space between her and her mom except for being mean.
When the girl’s mom said she had already cleared her day to be her chaperone, the 11-year-old started insulting her mom, explaining why she doesn’t want her to go
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/author_53142db0817b9a4f01ac4f95bd5b3403.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Lie To My Niece About Why She Is Not Allowed To Come Skiing With Me?”")
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Image credits: u/throwaway_neiceski
The girl’s behavior made her parents punish her by not allowing her to go ice skating altogether. She was pretty angry about it and stopped speaking to her mom. The parents, being concerned about Ashley’s behavior, didn’t want her to go on the skiing trip anymore either.
The weird part and the part that the OP couldn’t agree with was that the parents asked her to lie to her niece and tell her that she is not going skiing. The parents didn’t want Ashley to have more reason to stay mad at her mom and asked the aunt to take the blow.
While she does understand the parents, at the same time, they have to take responsibility for their actions and sort through all of these emotions without lies. Also, she wouldn’t want to ruin her relationship with Ashley and break her trust because the truth always comes out. So the OP refused to lie and the parents took out the “if you really care, you will do it” card.
What, no reddit comments included? Weird. Anyway, definitely NTA, Amy needs to change her parenting style and asap. Be a mother, not a friend. This will only get worse once Ashley fully enters teenage years and will start to want to increase her independence further.
Agree. Aunt is a friend. Amy is a mother, a parent. Different roles. Be happy for your child. It is a good thing. Amys role is being a parent. Nothing else!
I disagree. I've raised 3 successful children and I was both a parent and a friend. If you make good grades and behave responsibly, we are cool girlfriends. If you mess up, here comes the drill seargant. It worked well.
That is so messed up. That's carrot and stick drill education, not parenting. Your kids don't respect you, they fear you...
It's actually not messed up. Think about adult children saying "my mother is not my friend". That's the result. The role shifts throughout the years and there should be less parenting and more friending as they grow older. Obviously the parenting role has to change at some point, when they become adults, but that process needs to evolve over the years, not a sharp transition from parent to friend when they leave the house.
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That soft s**t is the reason our kids are in the state theyre in. My children dont fear me. They respect me and we talk on the phone for hours laughing hysterically. They respect authority. They are educated and compassionate. Im a success as a mom and I don't care about the opinions of strangers. Drill sergeant means high academic and behavior standards. I'm not apologizing for wanting them to be productive members of society. Your parents are clearly failing some of you.
Just saying, but my dad had a similar method of parenting… I do not respect him to this day. We had the rockiest relationship, but yeah can still laugh together. But I don’t respect him as a father. He was just mean, and impatient. If you were anything like him, trust me when I tell you your kids are mocking you behind your back.
My kids are NOTHING like you. It's the audacity for me. You and your dysfunctional father is yall. Don't put that on anyone else....just saying
Friends = sharing equal status; parenthood = guardianship. Unless you stop taking care of your children and they go full autonomy and need zero support from you, you'll never be true friends. You're just being friendly to them.
Very good explanation. Thanks...
I would agree to disagree. I've done this aunt thing with my nephews - it's always worked fine. I have parented my daughter, never as a drill-sergent though... What I mean is you can parent with respect for children and the other way around... and stay a parent!
What do your kids actually think?
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Thanks for your opinion Auntie with no kids, no job and Trust-fund money that visits once a year, but maybe I'll stick to the parenting aspect. ALTHOUGH, HUGO. You are the AH out of everyone. Stop being the go between. There's no Switzerland in parenting. Step Up and tell your daughter the truth, that she is acting like an entitled brat and that's why she cant go skiing. Passing off everything. Loooosahh. Be nice, work hard, get rewards. Not that hard.
So many people try to be their child's friend, and this is not good for development. I remember waiting for school to open for my son, and he wanted to do something (don't recall what, it was 10 years ago!) and he said I'm not your friend anymore when I said no. I replied with, I'm not your friend kiddo, I'm your father, there's a massive difference. All the mother around just gasped! Almost caused a tornado by the force of indrawn breath! It showed in their kids behaviour as well. Most were little terrors, talking back, yelling and screaming when they don't get their way, etc. My son would pout, but that was all. I did go on to explain to him (he was 5) that I will always love him, and support him, but a father is more important than a friend. Now that he is 15 (damn I'm old!) we have a great relationship (we both drive his mother nuts with how alike we are). He is happy to be seen in public with me, and actually participates in activities that we both do together. Love it! And him!
Also if she runs the kid too far off now there's that much less chance of having a pleasant adult relationship with each other down the line
I agree Amy needs to change her parenting style, but that doesn't mean she just has to be a parent. She just needs to listen to Ashley when she says she needs/wants space. Idk why both Amy and OP couldn't chaperone the ice skating, and Ashley was being a butt about it. If my kids asked if their aunt could chaperone instead, I'd be okay with it, but my kids actually like having me around and don't push me away. So if they asked to switch, I'd listen and let my sister take over. I give my kids room to breathe... within reason. I don't like that they're punishing Ashley by not letting her go skiing. They already punished her by not letting her go ice skating with her friends. The parents claim it's bc Ashley needs to spend more time with her family so that she can become closer with her mom, which, AGAIN, Ashley is asking for space bc her mom is smothering her. That's just going to make Ashley resent her more. The parents are the AH, especially for asking OP to lie about cancelling the tr
Amy is punishing her daughter for not wanting her around. If she continues to sabotage her daughter, she will *never* be forgiven. Mom must take a step back and think like an adult, not a scorned 8yr old. Dad has to stop enabling Mom.
Amy is punishing her daughter for being rude and disrespectful. Ashley was previously committed to her mother taking her and her friends ice skating. Ashley was deceitful and rude by complaining to her aunt about her mother. Ashley could have simply asked her mother if it was ok for Amy to take her ice skating instead of her mother and accepted her answer, no explanation needed. Ashley should appreciate the fact that her mother was willing to take her and her friends ice skating and in the future her mother may be more hesitant to accommodate her and her friends. Is teaching your child to honor their commitments not "thinking like an adult?"
Ashley never wanted her mother to go and it is not rude to talk to another trusted adult to get help when the parent is the problem. She was rude and appologized for how she said it to her mother, but it is not rude for her not to want her mother around. AND Ashley would be overjoyed if her mother no longer wanted to accompany her and her friends - that is what she wants, her mother to bavk off and give her space. She doesnt want her mother around at all as it feels suffocating and her mother needs to be an adult and respect that if she doesnt want to lose Ashley as soon as she is 18. (Also Amy IS the mother, OP with no name is the aunt).
You are missing the point Amy doesn't like aunt. This was no commitment. If Amy wasn't a b***h she would have let auntie take thebkids.the kids.. Amy is a tyrant and it's going to end up costing her.. I see Amy in 20 years..a bitter old lonely woman
Also will get worst when Ashley is lied to and the aunt WASN'T the bad guy. There are times when Ashley will need a 'safe' adult to be a sounding board, help sort things out so she can be less of brat and more of a growing to be a reasonable person . Teenage years will be better if this gets taken care of now and in the 'right way'. Family counseling would help in that regard. A neutral party is good so no one feels singled out.
NTA. True, Ashley was being extremely rude to her mother, and for that she needs to apologize. However, Amy actually created this situation. Ashley needs parents, not 30-something homies. Be the parent first, THEN be her friend/confidant/dressmaker/baker, etc. Ashley is approaching her teen years (remember how WE were?) She's trying to find her place socially, and she needs to be able to do so without dealing with a helicopter parent. A little space can make a huge, emotional difference in the life of a teenager.
I agree, but I also think Ashley has burned a bridge on the skiing trip. She doesn't deserve to go for the way she treated her mother about the already scheduled skating activity and she should be told that is reason she won't be going. It seems to me like Amy, since she doesn't care for OP, is a bit jealous of the relationship and is trying to cut the Aunt out of the picture by having her take the blame and that's not being a good parent or being a good friend to your child, that's being selfish.
There is an dynamic that people are missing that is probably on the top layer.. Amy doesn't like/is jealous of the aunt.. Her aunt is there for a few dad Days..Amy should have let auntie chaperone instead she was unreasonable. Canceling the skating was sufficient punishment Canceling the ski trip was proof she doesn't like auntie... Amy had some sort of nerve wanting auntie to lie.. Frankly I think Amy is just small minded. Or ah...whatever you please
What would allowing auntie to chaperone after daughter was extremely disrespectful to mother teach the daughter? It's ok to s**t on people and not honor your commitments?
Not exactly what went on The niece begged her aunt to take them The aunt was happy to do it Amy according to what's written gave a sour look. Had Amy simply said ok none of the rest would have happened It's clear to me Amy doesn't like the aunt.. My feeling the aunt is kind and perceptive And Amy a nasty witch.. I have a sister who I rarely see... and for the few days she is here I would happily change plans to give me kids time with their aunt. What commitments are. You talking about?? .
Amy needs to grow the fμck up!
I agree with you
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Ashley can have all the space she wants while she is sitting home alone because she doesn't want her mother to take her anywhere. Did any of the other parents take the time to take a group of children, who are 11 years old, ice skating? We all need to appreciate a parent who is willing to do that. A once a year ski trip is just that - once a year.... A mother is forever.
11 year olds are capable of going ice skating alone. They dont need a parent there and Ashley doesnt want hers there. That should be enough. They can be dropped off by whomever and picked up at the agreed upon time. And her mother will only be until she is 18 when she goes NC because of the smothering. The once in a lifetime ski trip should be prioritized because it will further drive a wedge between Ashley and her mother when it is taken away.
Ashley is very very lucky, she has so many people that care for her. Amy has a hard road for the teen years. I get wanting your kids to want to be your friend but that happens after the teen years. Ashley is going to prefer her cool aunt who isn't around all the time to her mom, it's just natural. Add in the fancy private school and being the "poor kid", she is definitely going to want to show off her cool aunt when she can. Amy just has to give her some space. Lose some battles to win the war.
This is a troubling common perception in parenting, the idea that "I'm your parent, not your friend". A parent should be able to manage friend and parent roles. Transitioning directly from parent to friend after the teenage years is not the best route. It should be an evolving relationship throughout. When we take our kids to the playground and play with them or take them to the movies, are we not being friends in those moments? It can't be an either/or, it needs to a balance. Properly raised children will understand that their parent is the authority even while they're enjoying their time together.
Yes! Thank you! People think I'm weird for this and tell me my kids are going to grow up to be holy terrors. Joke's on them though bc all of my kids are fun, polite, thoughtful, and kind. My oldest two (20 & 17) and I hang out all the time and they tell me everything that's going on in their lives and constantly ask my advice.
But did you treat them like real friends and expect them to meet you on your level like adults or to be your emotional support? If not you were solely thier parent (a good fun parent) but not a friend. Friendship requires emotional equality and the same maturity level. Putting your kids' needs first and having fun with them is just good parenting.
I couldn't agree more Jason! I always appreciated that my father was willing to be play and be stupid with us, yet there was never any question about his authority. That's healthy, and it's something I've tried to emulate as a parent, with varying levels of success. This either/or mindset is misguided. The reason Amy is having this problem with her daughter is that she's taking it to one extreme, but the other extreme will also cause problems.
There's a difference between playing with your kids and being their friend. Maybe some of you "friend" parents need to read a dictionary.
But that isnt what Amy is doing. She is trying to force Ashley to meet her on her level. My parents were parents first and came to our level and yes we had fun, but they werent friends until we were adults. Also a friend gives space when requested which Amy isnt doing. Ashley doesnt enjoy being with her mother - she feels trapped and suffocated so Amy is being both a bad parent and a bad friend - there is no balance there. What you describe is being a parent having fun with thier child not a friend. Would you have gone to the playground with friends your own age as an adult? Likely no. When people say they are friends with thier kids not parents it means they expect them to give an equal amount back and be another adult. A good parent puts thier kids' needs first and is always the adult in the situation not expecting emotional support from a child. That is what people mean when they say they are parents not friends, not that they are dictators who dont have fun with thier kids.
Sorry, Jason K - but you're full of sh*t. I was friendly with my kids, but most definitely NOT their friend. A friend helps you sneak out of your bedroom window, a parent is the one waiting for you on the lawn. Having a good line of communication is your best tool, but very few 13 y/o (especially girls) want to hang out with their Mom.
What, no reddit comments included? Weird. Anyway, definitely NTA, Amy needs to change her parenting style and asap. Be a mother, not a friend. This will only get worse once Ashley fully enters teenage years and will start to want to increase her independence further.
Agree. Aunt is a friend. Amy is a mother, a parent. Different roles. Be happy for your child. It is a good thing. Amys role is being a parent. Nothing else!
I disagree. I've raised 3 successful children and I was both a parent and a friend. If you make good grades and behave responsibly, we are cool girlfriends. If you mess up, here comes the drill seargant. It worked well.
That is so messed up. That's carrot and stick drill education, not parenting. Your kids don't respect you, they fear you...
It's actually not messed up. Think about adult children saying "my mother is not my friend". That's the result. The role shifts throughout the years and there should be less parenting and more friending as they grow older. Obviously the parenting role has to change at some point, when they become adults, but that process needs to evolve over the years, not a sharp transition from parent to friend when they leave the house.
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That soft s**t is the reason our kids are in the state theyre in. My children dont fear me. They respect me and we talk on the phone for hours laughing hysterically. They respect authority. They are educated and compassionate. Im a success as a mom and I don't care about the opinions of strangers. Drill sergeant means high academic and behavior standards. I'm not apologizing for wanting them to be productive members of society. Your parents are clearly failing some of you.
Just saying, but my dad had a similar method of parenting… I do not respect him to this day. We had the rockiest relationship, but yeah can still laugh together. But I don’t respect him as a father. He was just mean, and impatient. If you were anything like him, trust me when I tell you your kids are mocking you behind your back.
My kids are NOTHING like you. It's the audacity for me. You and your dysfunctional father is yall. Don't put that on anyone else....just saying
Friends = sharing equal status; parenthood = guardianship. Unless you stop taking care of your children and they go full autonomy and need zero support from you, you'll never be true friends. You're just being friendly to them.
Very good explanation. Thanks...
I would agree to disagree. I've done this aunt thing with my nephews - it's always worked fine. I have parented my daughter, never as a drill-sergent though... What I mean is you can parent with respect for children and the other way around... and stay a parent!
What do your kids actually think?
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Thanks for your opinion Auntie with no kids, no job and Trust-fund money that visits once a year, but maybe I'll stick to the parenting aspect. ALTHOUGH, HUGO. You are the AH out of everyone. Stop being the go between. There's no Switzerland in parenting. Step Up and tell your daughter the truth, that she is acting like an entitled brat and that's why she cant go skiing. Passing off everything. Loooosahh. Be nice, work hard, get rewards. Not that hard.
So many people try to be their child's friend, and this is not good for development. I remember waiting for school to open for my son, and he wanted to do something (don't recall what, it was 10 years ago!) and he said I'm not your friend anymore when I said no. I replied with, I'm not your friend kiddo, I'm your father, there's a massive difference. All the mother around just gasped! Almost caused a tornado by the force of indrawn breath! It showed in their kids behaviour as well. Most were little terrors, talking back, yelling and screaming when they don't get their way, etc. My son would pout, but that was all. I did go on to explain to him (he was 5) that I will always love him, and support him, but a father is more important than a friend. Now that he is 15 (damn I'm old!) we have a great relationship (we both drive his mother nuts with how alike we are). He is happy to be seen in public with me, and actually participates in activities that we both do together. Love it! And him!
Also if she runs the kid too far off now there's that much less chance of having a pleasant adult relationship with each other down the line
I agree Amy needs to change her parenting style, but that doesn't mean she just has to be a parent. She just needs to listen to Ashley when she says she needs/wants space. Idk why both Amy and OP couldn't chaperone the ice skating, and Ashley was being a butt about it. If my kids asked if their aunt could chaperone instead, I'd be okay with it, but my kids actually like having me around and don't push me away. So if they asked to switch, I'd listen and let my sister take over. I give my kids room to breathe... within reason. I don't like that they're punishing Ashley by not letting her go skiing. They already punished her by not letting her go ice skating with her friends. The parents claim it's bc Ashley needs to spend more time with her family so that she can become closer with her mom, which, AGAIN, Ashley is asking for space bc her mom is smothering her. That's just going to make Ashley resent her more. The parents are the AH, especially for asking OP to lie about cancelling the tr
Amy is punishing her daughter for not wanting her around. If she continues to sabotage her daughter, she will *never* be forgiven. Mom must take a step back and think like an adult, not a scorned 8yr old. Dad has to stop enabling Mom.
Amy is punishing her daughter for being rude and disrespectful. Ashley was previously committed to her mother taking her and her friends ice skating. Ashley was deceitful and rude by complaining to her aunt about her mother. Ashley could have simply asked her mother if it was ok for Amy to take her ice skating instead of her mother and accepted her answer, no explanation needed. Ashley should appreciate the fact that her mother was willing to take her and her friends ice skating and in the future her mother may be more hesitant to accommodate her and her friends. Is teaching your child to honor their commitments not "thinking like an adult?"
Ashley never wanted her mother to go and it is not rude to talk to another trusted adult to get help when the parent is the problem. She was rude and appologized for how she said it to her mother, but it is not rude for her not to want her mother around. AND Ashley would be overjoyed if her mother no longer wanted to accompany her and her friends - that is what she wants, her mother to bavk off and give her space. She doesnt want her mother around at all as it feels suffocating and her mother needs to be an adult and respect that if she doesnt want to lose Ashley as soon as she is 18. (Also Amy IS the mother, OP with no name is the aunt).
You are missing the point Amy doesn't like aunt. This was no commitment. If Amy wasn't a b***h she would have let auntie take thebkids.the kids.. Amy is a tyrant and it's going to end up costing her.. I see Amy in 20 years..a bitter old lonely woman
Also will get worst when Ashley is lied to and the aunt WASN'T the bad guy. There are times when Ashley will need a 'safe' adult to be a sounding board, help sort things out so she can be less of brat and more of a growing to be a reasonable person . Teenage years will be better if this gets taken care of now and in the 'right way'. Family counseling would help in that regard. A neutral party is good so no one feels singled out.
NTA. True, Ashley was being extremely rude to her mother, and for that she needs to apologize. However, Amy actually created this situation. Ashley needs parents, not 30-something homies. Be the parent first, THEN be her friend/confidant/dressmaker/baker, etc. Ashley is approaching her teen years (remember how WE were?) She's trying to find her place socially, and she needs to be able to do so without dealing with a helicopter parent. A little space can make a huge, emotional difference in the life of a teenager.
I agree, but I also think Ashley has burned a bridge on the skiing trip. She doesn't deserve to go for the way she treated her mother about the already scheduled skating activity and she should be told that is reason she won't be going. It seems to me like Amy, since she doesn't care for OP, is a bit jealous of the relationship and is trying to cut the Aunt out of the picture by having her take the blame and that's not being a good parent or being a good friend to your child, that's being selfish.
There is an dynamic that people are missing that is probably on the top layer.. Amy doesn't like/is jealous of the aunt.. Her aunt is there for a few dad Days..Amy should have let auntie chaperone instead she was unreasonable. Canceling the skating was sufficient punishment Canceling the ski trip was proof she doesn't like auntie... Amy had some sort of nerve wanting auntie to lie.. Frankly I think Amy is just small minded. Or ah...whatever you please
What would allowing auntie to chaperone after daughter was extremely disrespectful to mother teach the daughter? It's ok to s**t on people and not honor your commitments?
Not exactly what went on The niece begged her aunt to take them The aunt was happy to do it Amy according to what's written gave a sour look. Had Amy simply said ok none of the rest would have happened It's clear to me Amy doesn't like the aunt.. My feeling the aunt is kind and perceptive And Amy a nasty witch.. I have a sister who I rarely see... and for the few days she is here I would happily change plans to give me kids time with their aunt. What commitments are. You talking about?? .
Amy needs to grow the fμck up!
I agree with you
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Ashley can have all the space she wants while she is sitting home alone because she doesn't want her mother to take her anywhere. Did any of the other parents take the time to take a group of children, who are 11 years old, ice skating? We all need to appreciate a parent who is willing to do that. A once a year ski trip is just that - once a year.... A mother is forever.
11 year olds are capable of going ice skating alone. They dont need a parent there and Ashley doesnt want hers there. That should be enough. They can be dropped off by whomever and picked up at the agreed upon time. And her mother will only be until she is 18 when she goes NC because of the smothering. The once in a lifetime ski trip should be prioritized because it will further drive a wedge between Ashley and her mother when it is taken away.
Ashley is very very lucky, she has so many people that care for her. Amy has a hard road for the teen years. I get wanting your kids to want to be your friend but that happens after the teen years. Ashley is going to prefer her cool aunt who isn't around all the time to her mom, it's just natural. Add in the fancy private school and being the "poor kid", she is definitely going to want to show off her cool aunt when she can. Amy just has to give her some space. Lose some battles to win the war.
This is a troubling common perception in parenting, the idea that "I'm your parent, not your friend". A parent should be able to manage friend and parent roles. Transitioning directly from parent to friend after the teenage years is not the best route. It should be an evolving relationship throughout. When we take our kids to the playground and play with them or take them to the movies, are we not being friends in those moments? It can't be an either/or, it needs to a balance. Properly raised children will understand that their parent is the authority even while they're enjoying their time together.
Yes! Thank you! People think I'm weird for this and tell me my kids are going to grow up to be holy terrors. Joke's on them though bc all of my kids are fun, polite, thoughtful, and kind. My oldest two (20 & 17) and I hang out all the time and they tell me everything that's going on in their lives and constantly ask my advice.
But did you treat them like real friends and expect them to meet you on your level like adults or to be your emotional support? If not you were solely thier parent (a good fun parent) but not a friend. Friendship requires emotional equality and the same maturity level. Putting your kids' needs first and having fun with them is just good parenting.
I couldn't agree more Jason! I always appreciated that my father was willing to be play and be stupid with us, yet there was never any question about his authority. That's healthy, and it's something I've tried to emulate as a parent, with varying levels of success. This either/or mindset is misguided. The reason Amy is having this problem with her daughter is that she's taking it to one extreme, but the other extreme will also cause problems.
There's a difference between playing with your kids and being their friend. Maybe some of you "friend" parents need to read a dictionary.
But that isnt what Amy is doing. She is trying to force Ashley to meet her on her level. My parents were parents first and came to our level and yes we had fun, but they werent friends until we were adults. Also a friend gives space when requested which Amy isnt doing. Ashley doesnt enjoy being with her mother - she feels trapped and suffocated so Amy is being both a bad parent and a bad friend - there is no balance there. What you describe is being a parent having fun with thier child not a friend. Would you have gone to the playground with friends your own age as an adult? Likely no. When people say they are friends with thier kids not parents it means they expect them to give an equal amount back and be another adult. A good parent puts thier kids' needs first and is always the adult in the situation not expecting emotional support from a child. That is what people mean when they say they are parents not friends, not that they are dictators who dont have fun with thier kids.
Sorry, Jason K - but you're full of sh*t. I was friendly with my kids, but most definitely NOT their friend. A friend helps you sneak out of your bedroom window, a parent is the one waiting for you on the lawn. Having a good line of communication is your best tool, but very few 13 y/o (especially girls) want to hang out with their Mom.