MIL Disrespects Lesbian Mom And Overrules Her Parenting, Then Snaps With “They Aren’t Even Your Kids”
Reddit user u/throwawayaitamil is a lesbian mom-of-two. And I know you might be wondering, what does her sexual orientation have to do with anything? Unfortunately, it’s relevant to the story.
When she and her little ones went to a BBQ with their extended family, the kids wanted to have some M&Ms. Their mom, however, told them to wait until after dinner and enjoy the candies as dessert. Sounds like a pretty simple situation, right? It was. Until the mother-in-law decided to go rogue.
The lady gave her grandchildren candies before the meal, even though her daughter-in-law explicitly said she was against it. What’s even worse, the mother-in-law refused to apologize and chose to destroy her relationship with her daughter and her family over a few M&Ms instead.
In doubt over the way she handled the conflict, u/throwawayaitamil turned to the subreddit “Am I the [Jerk]?” for help. Here’s what she wrote.
Image credits: Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwawayaitamil
Honest Mum’s Vicki Broadbent believes this story is a prime example of ‘backseat parenting’
Image credits: Vicki Broadbent / Honest Mum
Vicki Broadbent, an award-winning lifestyle blogger, parenting expert, and bestselling author of Mumboss (UK) and The Working Mom (the US and Canada), refers to the act of challenging parents in front of their children or otherwise as ‘backseat parenting.’
“It’s rather like driving a car from the passenger seat and however well-meaning the intentions of those offering unsolicited advice, the parent will always feel disrespected,” the creator of Honest Mum told Bored Panda. “In this instance, the grandmother was entirely in the wrong, she tried to control the situation despite knowing the mother’s intentions, undermining her before then abusing her in front of the children, stating she didn’t consider her their real parent. This was highly distressing for all involved and most of all, the children. It seems this situation was far more complex than giving children candies and there are tensions and unresolved issues between her and the mother in question.”
“In general, if you feel a desperate need to share advice to a parent (and it’s not a dangerous situation where you must interfere immediately for e.g.), take them to one side in private (never in front of their children) and before doing so, please carefully consider whether your advice is necessary and it’s even your place to share,” Vicki added.
The mom of two boys with a baby girl due in the winter highlighted that everyone parents differently and individually. “The saying, ‘Mom (and dad) knows best’ is almost always right. Parents know their children inside and out, they’re aware of their schedules, routines, behavior, and needs, and while grandparents enjoy spoiling their grandchildren and should at times, offering kids candies 15 minutes before a meal seems ill-thought-out in this instance and intentionally disrespectful towards the mother,” Vicki Broadbent explained. “Common sense is rarely common, as my Dad would say. Think before you speak or act.”
If you also fall victim to backseat parenting, you might want to address your kids after everything cools down and clear up any confusion they might have. “Once your children are away from the grandparents and have calmed down (if they’re upset), I would gently explain that sometimes adults make mistakes and say and do things they don’t mean or they don’t fully think it through before saying/doing,” Vicki said.
“The point here is to first reassure your children that they are emotionally safe with you and that you are their guide and guardian when it comes to safety, rules, and boundaries. Children need to know they can count on their parents/primary caregivers at all times and it’s your job to ensure they don’t ever feel otherwise.”
When other people question your parenting, it can feed your fears and doubts. But try to fight them. As Laura Markham Ph.D. said, the proof of your child-raising approach will be in the pudding, and the pudding takes a long time to cook. Focus on the process and things will fall into place.
Here’s what people said about the entire ordeal
I'm shocked the phonecalls keep going. All has been said that needs to be said; stop repeating, put the phone down. No reason to insist on an apology which is meaningless as long as MIL feels/'knows' she did nothing wrong. I'm no genetic contributor to my dog but if I tell my MIL not to give it a treat she doesn't give it a treat --- it's not a matter of genetics it's who's caretaker.
Totally agree, they know what she did wrong, and what she needs to do, so no point engaging with them until she does. If her son and his wife had adopted a child, would she have told them they were not really it's mum and dad in front of it? Clearly she has a bigger issue with her daughter's relationship on some level
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I feel like candies were just an excuse here to get into fight. MiL probably had some resentment long long time ago and just needed a cause. It's just too ridiculous to be so rude and really awful to daughter in law just because of such small thing. That mother in law has some previous resentment, and she should really address and solve her real issues because this way she doesn't look good.
Ok so I agree with all the comments posted in the article above, but I also want to add that the poster's wife is awesome. She listened to what happened, and immediately took her wife's side, no questions asked. That marriage is gonna last
I have a mom that didn't contribute eggs or birth me but she still my mom
I should think that giving birth counts for something, even if it was the partner's eggs!
Load More Replies... After MIL apologizes, I'd allow her to see the kids as much as she wants but never be alone with them. Children remember everything & they definitely don't need grandma poisoning their minds. I can see MIL taking the children's side against their mother with comments such as, 'just ignore her, she really isn't your mother.'
She seems to be a very toxic person towards the daughter in law and I would not be able to trust her again for a very long time until she earned that trust back. She currently has no intention of being a decent person
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As the mother of a lesbian, I would NEVER undermine her authority and say anything so cruel and hurtful. My daughter is young and still single but one day I may be the MIL and grandmother. I'm very much of the opinion that blood is not thicker than water; my best friend is like the sister I never had; I don't have contact with any of my siblings. Families have evolved, and mean different things to different people; all families should have loving, supportive, caring, reliable people, regardless of DNA
MIL sounds like the sort of horrible person who also thinks you aren't a real mother if you had a caesarean or needed IVF to conceive. Even with an apology that is such a bad attitude to have around your children.
My mother did something similar to me. She went behind my back, several times, but my son told me what happened (he was about 10yo at the time). When I confronted her, she said "Well, I'm his grandmother!" I was stunned. "So? I'm his MOTHER!" She attacked me as a bad parent for not "letting" her do whatever she wanted. Miserable woman...I never let her near me again. There were other things going on, too, but this really took the cake.
No apology, no grandkids. Simple as that. And it's not just the mom's feelings she wounded. She scared her grandkids. That is unacceptable behavior. She clearly doesn't keep their best interests in mind.
She can F off, what a vile and horrible person to say that someone is not the parent. Never mind to do it in front of the kids. She has shown her true colors and obviously does not respect their relationship. Forget the apology goodbye to her.
What I find annoying is that most of the extended family (in-laws) chose to be angry and spiteful instead of trying to do the right thing. I have seen too many family squabbles in my life, so I feel for the couple and their kids. Nobody should go through this, but sadly these things happen.
NTA. MIL is an evil bitch. If contact resumes, she should never be left unsupervised with those kids for even a minute, because she's going to say evil toxic homophobic s**t to them about their moms. Motherhood is a choice you make, and a commitment you live by, not a DNA test.
LOVE makes a family, not DNA. MIL hasn't got enough love, so she tried to play the DNA card. Control freak, IMHO, and keep her away from the kids.
This is not ok. If mom says no m&ms right before dinner, no m&ms right before dinner.
Number one, “parents” are the ones present, the ones supporting, the ones disciplining. Unless they’re the ones abusing, no one has the right to question their authority. If MIL loves her grandchildren, she’ll apologize and stand down. If not, the only interest she has is her own and that will continue.
Wow. MIL sucks. Definitely NTA, and the parents of the kids need like a hundred apologies. That was not okay. She was definitely their mother. Like, even if she didn’t birth them, she was still their mom. I have a stepdad, and I consider him a real parent, because he is. She was 100% their mom. I wouldn’t go near MIL again
NTA. This isn't about or M&Ms, it is clearly about not respecting both mothers and their children. Also... while one mother may have given the nuclear DNA doesn't the birth mother give the mitochondrial DNA?
Not how it works: the ovocytes are collected from the donor and they arr put in contact with the sperm ; the eggs are left to develop for two to six days and are introduced into the uterus (how many depends on various criteria). At no point is the nucleus taken from one ovocyte to another.
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Those poor children! I can't even imagine how shocked and scared they would be after their own grandma said that. Who wants to join me to find the MIL and stab her a few times?
This mil is a vile and cruel woman and I agree with everyone else that even if she apologized, she wouldn't mean it. She has shown her true colors and it's going to take alot for her to earn the trust back that she destroyed. She needs therapy but sadly she may not ever agree to it or even ever accept responsibility for the damage she's done. All of her behavior over some M&M's, I don't think so, there's so much more that's been bubbling under the surface for that to come out. It's better to know the truth now rather than later. The parents need to remain united and resist the pressure from their family members and I wish them luck.
What the MIL did comes close to being unforgiveable. A forced apology, though, will mean nothing. I wonder if a few sessions with a good family counselor might help. The presence of a disinterested third party might force the MIL to think and reflect, rather than just reacting emotionally.
If OP did nothing more than raised the children, that is what makes her their mother! And MIL hurt the children by saying in front of them their mother isn't really their mother. She hurt the children. She deserves to be fired from a cannon into the sun.
‘BIL trying to get in the drama’ know I shouldn’t be but laughed at that. Rest of family? The MIL shouldn’t have said it at alll. Especially not in front of the kids!
NTA. Mil has not even accepted her dtr is gay. So in being extremely dismissive with you, she also dismissed her dtr's life choice and family!! You need more than an apology from her. She should never be alone with the kids, until they are 18. She will take every chance to do this againd undermine your authority as a parent, and continue to make sly and hurtful comments to you.
No. Just no. Your family is whoever takes care of you, who you take care of and who you love. I have a nonbiological great-grandparent on my mum's side and I love them so so much, they were always there for me growing up and I still love going to her house and seeing her.
Absolutely scary that she would go behind the mom's back then tell the kids their mom isn't "their real mom" and then turn the rest of the family against them when they stood up to her. What if that undermining continued and MIL gave the kids something that made them sick or took them somewhere for "Grandma time" without telling the parents? I will never understand the mentality of "I'm 'A' Mom, so therefore I can exert mom-like authority over anyone younger than me because that's what moms do!" that is so commonplace.
Hold up.... I am NOT a genetics expert at all. And I get wife (#1) eggs and sperm donor were used but if wife (#2) carried them, it's still her blood going through them right? I mean umbilical chord and all that. MIL was completely out of line (for comment and following incident behavior) , however, I remember my grandpa ALWAYS sneaking me an oreo or (oddly enough) M&M's before dinner, and one time in my 20's he did it again and said his age old line "don't tell grandma" I said, "Appa, you know I'm an adult and you don't have to sneak right?" lol and he looked like I had physically smacked him "Just let me have this" I never turned down another treat from him and always made it a "secret" he died a few years later. No one sneaks me treats anymore. Let grandma sneak a treat is all I'm saying.
Usually the placenta means that mums and babies blood don't actually mix although that's pretty much irrelevant in this argument. The MIL had no right to say they were not the woman's kids, what if they were adopted and shared no genetic material from either parent. Sorry for the loss of your family member tho
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I'm shocked the phonecalls keep going. All has been said that needs to be said; stop repeating, put the phone down. No reason to insist on an apology which is meaningless as long as MIL feels/'knows' she did nothing wrong. I'm no genetic contributor to my dog but if I tell my MIL not to give it a treat she doesn't give it a treat --- it's not a matter of genetics it's who's caretaker.
Totally agree, they know what she did wrong, and what she needs to do, so no point engaging with them until she does. If her son and his wife had adopted a child, would she have told them they were not really it's mum and dad in front of it? Clearly she has a bigger issue with her daughter's relationship on some level
Load More Replies... I feel like candies were just an excuse here to get into fight. MiL probably had some resentment long long time ago and just needed a cause. It's just too ridiculous to be so rude and really awful to daughter in law just because of such small thing. That mother in law has some previous resentment, and she should really address and solve her real issues because this way she doesn't look good.
Ok so I agree with all the comments posted in the article above, but I also want to add that the poster's wife is awesome. She listened to what happened, and immediately took her wife's side, no questions asked. That marriage is gonna last
I have a mom that didn't contribute eggs or birth me but she still my mom
I should think that giving birth counts for something, even if it was the partner's eggs!
Load More Replies... After MIL apologizes, I'd allow her to see the kids as much as she wants but never be alone with them. Children remember everything & they definitely don't need grandma poisoning their minds. I can see MIL taking the children's side against their mother with comments such as, 'just ignore her, she really isn't your mother.'
She seems to be a very toxic person towards the daughter in law and I would not be able to trust her again for a very long time until she earned that trust back. She currently has no intention of being a decent person
Load More Replies... As the mother of a lesbian, I would NEVER undermine her authority and say anything so cruel and hurtful. My daughter is young and still single but one day I may be the MIL and grandmother. I'm very much of the opinion that blood is not thicker than water; my best friend is like the sister I never had; I don't have contact with any of my siblings. Families have evolved, and mean different things to different people; all families should have loving, supportive, caring, reliable people, regardless of DNA
MIL sounds like the sort of horrible person who also thinks you aren't a real mother if you had a caesarean or needed IVF to conceive. Even with an apology that is such a bad attitude to have around your children.
My mother did something similar to me. She went behind my back, several times, but my son told me what happened (he was about 10yo at the time). When I confronted her, she said "Well, I'm his grandmother!" I was stunned. "So? I'm his MOTHER!" She attacked me as a bad parent for not "letting" her do whatever she wanted. Miserable woman...I never let her near me again. There were other things going on, too, but this really took the cake.
No apology, no grandkids. Simple as that. And it's not just the mom's feelings she wounded. She scared her grandkids. That is unacceptable behavior. She clearly doesn't keep their best interests in mind.
She can F off, what a vile and horrible person to say that someone is not the parent. Never mind to do it in front of the kids. She has shown her true colors and obviously does not respect their relationship. Forget the apology goodbye to her.
What I find annoying is that most of the extended family (in-laws) chose to be angry and spiteful instead of trying to do the right thing. I have seen too many family squabbles in my life, so I feel for the couple and their kids. Nobody should go through this, but sadly these things happen.
NTA. MIL is an evil bitch. If contact resumes, she should never be left unsupervised with those kids for even a minute, because she's going to say evil toxic homophobic s**t to them about their moms. Motherhood is a choice you make, and a commitment you live by, not a DNA test.
LOVE makes a family, not DNA. MIL hasn't got enough love, so she tried to play the DNA card. Control freak, IMHO, and keep her away from the kids.
This is not ok. If mom says no m&ms right before dinner, no m&ms right before dinner.
Number one, “parents” are the ones present, the ones supporting, the ones disciplining. Unless they’re the ones abusing, no one has the right to question their authority. If MIL loves her grandchildren, she’ll apologize and stand down. If not, the only interest she has is her own and that will continue.
Wow. MIL sucks. Definitely NTA, and the parents of the kids need like a hundred apologies. That was not okay. She was definitely their mother. Like, even if she didn’t birth them, she was still their mom. I have a stepdad, and I consider him a real parent, because he is. She was 100% their mom. I wouldn’t go near MIL again
NTA. This isn't about or M&Ms, it is clearly about not respecting both mothers and their children. Also... while one mother may have given the nuclear DNA doesn't the birth mother give the mitochondrial DNA?
Not how it works: the ovocytes are collected from the donor and they arr put in contact with the sperm ; the eggs are left to develop for two to six days and are introduced into the uterus (how many depends on various criteria). At no point is the nucleus taken from one ovocyte to another.
Load More Replies... Those poor children! I can't even imagine how shocked and scared they would be after their own grandma said that. Who wants to join me to find the MIL and stab her a few times?
This mil is a vile and cruel woman and I agree with everyone else that even if she apologized, she wouldn't mean it. She has shown her true colors and it's going to take alot for her to earn the trust back that she destroyed. She needs therapy but sadly she may not ever agree to it or even ever accept responsibility for the damage she's done. All of her behavior over some M&M's, I don't think so, there's so much more that's been bubbling under the surface for that to come out. It's better to know the truth now rather than later. The parents need to remain united and resist the pressure from their family members and I wish them luck.
What the MIL did comes close to being unforgiveable. A forced apology, though, will mean nothing. I wonder if a few sessions with a good family counselor might help. The presence of a disinterested third party might force the MIL to think and reflect, rather than just reacting emotionally.
If OP did nothing more than raised the children, that is what makes her their mother! And MIL hurt the children by saying in front of them their mother isn't really their mother. She hurt the children. She deserves to be fired from a cannon into the sun.
‘BIL trying to get in the drama’ know I shouldn’t be but laughed at that. Rest of family? The MIL shouldn’t have said it at alll. Especially not in front of the kids!
NTA. Mil has not even accepted her dtr is gay. So in being extremely dismissive with you, she also dismissed her dtr's life choice and family!! You need more than an apology from her. She should never be alone with the kids, until they are 18. She will take every chance to do this againd undermine your authority as a parent, and continue to make sly and hurtful comments to you.
No. Just no. Your family is whoever takes care of you, who you take care of and who you love. I have a nonbiological great-grandparent on my mum's side and I love them so so much, they were always there for me growing up and I still love going to her house and seeing her.
Absolutely scary that she would go behind the mom's back then tell the kids their mom isn't "their real mom" and then turn the rest of the family against them when they stood up to her. What if that undermining continued and MIL gave the kids something that made them sick or took them somewhere for "Grandma time" without telling the parents? I will never understand the mentality of "I'm 'A' Mom, so therefore I can exert mom-like authority over anyone younger than me because that's what moms do!" that is so commonplace.
Hold up.... I am NOT a genetics expert at all. And I get wife (#1) eggs and sperm donor were used but if wife (#2) carried them, it's still her blood going through them right? I mean umbilical chord and all that. MIL was completely out of line (for comment and following incident behavior) , however, I remember my grandpa ALWAYS sneaking me an oreo or (oddly enough) M&M's before dinner, and one time in my 20's he did it again and said his age old line "don't tell grandma" I said, "Appa, you know I'm an adult and you don't have to sneak right?" lol and he looked like I had physically smacked him "Just let me have this" I never turned down another treat from him and always made it a "secret" he died a few years later. No one sneaks me treats anymore. Let grandma sneak a treat is all I'm saying.
Usually the placenta means that mums and babies blood don't actually mix although that's pretty much irrelevant in this argument. The MIL had no right to say they were not the woman's kids, what if they were adopted and shared no genetic material from either parent. Sorry for the loss of your family member tho
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