Husband Thinks His Wife’s Being Unreasonable When She Blames Him For The Mess In The Kitchen, She Then Shows Him The Proof
Many people have mixed feelings about cooking. While some love it and think this is one of the best ways to spend their free time, others would rather make something quick or have a takeout because the idea of going through so much hassle and spending so much of their time on it isn’t something they would sign up for that easily. This of course changes when a person doesn’t live alone and has a particular agreement about cooking with their family members. Does having an extra hand to help make things easier? This is a question that one Reddit user tried to answer by sharing the situation that keeps happening in her household every time her husband cooks. The post that received more than 6k upvotes encouraged others to share their opinions on the matter as well as give some useful suggestions.
More Info: Reddit
Some people love to swirl around in the kitchen cooking delicious meals, but then hate spending time cleaning the mess they made
Image credits: Stacy Spensley (not the actual photo)
The 27-year-old woman shared that she and her 32-year-old husband have a deal where they agreed that if one of them cooks dinner, the other one has to then clean the kitchen afterward. While it did work for them, soon the woman noticed that when it’s her husband’s turn to cook, he usually leaves a big mess. Of course, if you’re doing the work, it’s hard to keep it clean when you’re using various utensils and products. But what the woman had in mind was that he would leave every single thing that he used open and wouldn’t throw away food scraps or trash. And his wife would be the one who would then have to clean all this mess, which would take her a while.
Reddit user revealed that her husband is no different and unintentionally leaves their kitchen in a horrible state
Image credits: just1throwaw8
The author of the post revealed that this became an issue for her because when it comes to her cooking, she tries to maintain a “clean as you cook” approach. This is why it doesn’t take her partner too long to clean after she is done with the meal preparation. The woman tried to address this problem and talk about it with her husband, who assured her that he will try and do better by just simply following her example and cleaning some of the stuff while he’s still cooking, so she doesn’t have to spend so much time trying to bring the kitchen back to its previous state.
The woman revealed that after her husband finishes cooking, she’s the one who has to clean the kitchen as per their agreement
Image credits: just1throwaw8
When the woman cooks herself, she makes sure to leave her husband with only a few things to do that include cleaning the counter or taking care of the dishes
Image credits: just1throwaw8
However, this promise didn’t last long and the man was back to his old behavior. To get his attention, the woman then decided to do the same thing that her husband does to her – to leave a big mess after cooking. Soon, this made her husband complain about how much time it takes for him to clean it. When the woman tried to explain the situation to him, telling her husband about his annoying habit, the man didn’t believe that it was that bad. But now the woman had proof that it was when she showed him a picture of the kitchen after he had used it to make dinner. This picture made the man upset as he thought that he wasn’t appreciated and that his own wife couldn’t understand that “that’s just how he cooks”.
But seeing how messy her husband is when making a meal, she started doing the same thing that didn’t go unnoticed by her partner
Image credits: just1throwaw8
Now the woman is wondering whether she was really the jerk for going this far and trying to prove that her husband was sloppy. A lot of people online agreed with the woman, stating that they should change something in their “system” so that they both would be happy. Some of them suggested that the couple should go back to the old way of the same person cooking and cleaning, but it seems that OP’s husband wasn’t into that. What is your take on this situation? Don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments down below!
The author of the post tried to be straightforward and talk about this problem with her husband but it didn’t help
Image credits: just1throwaw8
Not having a clear plan on how to split up certain chores at home or feeling that you’re doing most of the work while your partner does the bare minimum happens more often than thought. But this all can change if you just sit down and talk about this problem, coming up with a structure that would help both of you to do an equal part in taking care of various tasks. NPR suggests that the best way of going towards this goal is to first take time listing all the things that need to be done. This way you will see which of the things are really important and which are not, and thus can be removed from the list altogether. After this, talk about who could do what, assigning each the things they don’t mind doing, and making sure that both of you get a fair share of the workload. The most important thing here is to stick to this plan and commit to following it.
Now the woman wonders if she’s too harsh for critiquing the way her husband leaves the kitchen after cooking
Image credits: Mitch Barrie (not the actual photo)
The story made a lot of people online side with original poster and share useful advice on how to make their agreement work
Image credits: just1throwaw8
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Share on FacebookApparently he IS cool with someone cooking and cleaning the kitchen, just not himself.
She's too tolerant of his mess. It takes seconds to put the salt back in the cupboard. Sounds like weaponised incompetence. Can't really say though as maybe he's awesome when it comes to other chores.
Thus is why we trade cooking dinner for washing dishes. When you cook you clean up your own cooking mess, the other person takes care of the dishes and wiping down the counters.
Load More Replies...He is dumb for rejecting the "person cooking cleans also cleans" solution. That method allows each to cook as they see fit and be RESPONSIBLE for their own actions. His rejection of it is an acknowledgement that he is making a mess and wants someone to clean up after him so he isn't responsible for his actions. I have a feeling if they adopted this, he would fast change his messy ways.
We did that with roommates in a students house. Everyone was messy. Nobody cared. One cooked and the others cleaned. Then I got married. You have to cook and clean. Hello. I cooked. He didn't care. So fine, one pan recipes from then on. I wasn't gonna go out of my way with nice new recipes anymore.
Load More Replies...I'd stop cleaning. She confronted him multiple times, and when she does the same it's different. Just stop cleaning his mess and see what he does.
She needs to stay in the kitchen with him while he's cooking and clean there and then. In the kitchen my parents would divide and conquer, one would cook and the other would do the wash up so they could both sit down after and just put the plates and stuff in the dishwasher. Worked for them!
That only works if you have the space though. My parents don't have the space, plus the layout of their kitchen precludes them from doing it (the most counter space is right near the sink and dishwasher). It also only works if you don't mind having someone in the kitchen with you. It would have driven my mother nuts if my dad was in the kitchen trying to clean dishes while she was cooking. 99% of the time if she was cooking, everybody was banished out of the kitchen unless we were helping say fold goyza then we were at the kitchen table, out of the way
Load More Replies...Husband doesn't want to change the way you do it because the way it's done now privileges him because you end up with the longer time cleaning up the mess.
I'm sorry, but if the man isn't a raving imbecile, he knows EXACTLY what he is doing. He's being a lazy and manipulative a$$. He's in a massive hurry to get the food cooked and eaten so he can sit down and relax. Of course, HE'S the only one who needs to relax. Heaven forbid if the OP might want to sit down for a bit as well. It's up to her whether she wants this to be the hill to die on. If it's the only thing he does, she might give up the fight and just leave him a mess when she cooks. However, if he's an a$$ with other things, then I'd have to decide if I wanted the marriage to continue like this. Let's face it, if you have kids, you'll be the one doing all the evening work, because his relaxation time will be MUCH more important than yours. Think about that.
It seems like the husband wanted a mom instead of a partner. This would be my dad and second brother. Brother doesn't cook or clean, just my mom and I. And when my parents were still married, my dad got pissed over the smallest thing whenever my mom cooked. If a small piece of a garlic clove fell on the floor, he'd yell. It was so bad, he did it to me and my older siblings, even when it came to the dishwasher. To him, everything had a place and if we didn't put something in right, we'd be grounded. Yep, that bad. He and then husband would either get along or but heads every minute.
Load More Replies...1) what he’s doing is weaponized incompetence. It’s much easier to put the paprika back in the cabinet and wipe the flour off the counter than to work around it and then b*tch and moan until wifey cleans up. 2) living alone is the bee’s knees. The only mess I have to clean up is my own.
Why not spend a few nights cooking and cleaning together? At the very least, if he doesn't know HOW to effectively 'clean-as-you-go' and she can show him; if it's weaponized incompetence, same thing. What they'd hopefully discover is what they really hated was feeling alone.
My husband literally had no idea how to do it and never noticed how much I did whilst he was cooking. It took a few months of purposefully asking ‘are you done with this?’ ‘Can I clear this away?’ for him to see what I was doing when and then when the roles reversed he knew what to clear away at what point. It’s all about using those couple of minutes/seconds whilst something comes to the boil to quickly put something away or scraps in the bin.
Load More Replies...NTA. In our home, I am the tornado and leave a bigger mess than my husband does. We take turns cooking, but I also bake and make bread most days so I am in the kitchen quite a bit more than he is. I do try and clean up as I go but mostly I'm multitasking and I just dont have enough hands. But our system is that no-one sits down to relax while there are still chores to be done. Usually one of us will clean the kitchen while the other does the living room & dining room. If I have finished the living room and he still cleaning my mess in the kitchen, then I go and help him - I dont just sit on the couch and watch him clean up my mess.
Why don’t they share both jobs? My husband and I cook together and I do all the ‘clean as we go’ jobs whilst he’s stirring or whatever and he washes the pans as I plate up (he hates serving). At the end, the plates just go in the dishwasher or he washes and I dry the handwash only stuff. It takes half the time as we both do the jobs we like. At first, if I was stirring he’d stand around or reread the recipe he already knows another 3 times but after gentle prompts of what to tidy away that doesn’t need to be used again he’s starting to do it naturally.
This is my other half and I. We cook and clean together. One person Prepping the veggies while the other starts the meat, who's ever recipe it is does the main cooking while other cleans along or fetches ingredients. After dinner we both clean the last of the dishes. Its more fun to cook together💕
Load More Replies...Of course he's going to reject the "whoever cooks also cleans" rule. He knows how bad his mess is. He doesn't want to have to clean it.
My husband is the same way except he always cooks and I always clean. He gets himself into weird angles just to not close a cabinet even though he is using the space under it. I have to put up left out ingredients and the food, really , because the cats will get to it so I basically clean everything before I eat.
Hubby and I have this too. He cooks but washes up an I put the dishes away. Or I cook and clean up and he will wash dishes. But I still put them away. He does sometimes do a big mess of dishes to cook a simple thing but he cooked. I do the prep-cook-clean as you go method. He waits til the end to clean up method. But it is what it is. You could offer to cook together. One is cooking and one is prep clean. Then both do dishes an put away them at the end. A combo night. But I think he would still need alot of stuff out it seems. Just say you want to share recipes as you cook sometimes.
One cooks/other cleans does not equal one cooks/other does the Dishes & final cleanup. These are two different concepts. He is refusing to cook and clean on his turn, however mathematically, it works out the same as only cleaning on his night off cooking. - his point is moot. Facts to consider: Does either OP or partner work physically harder/longer hours or have more contributions to the other household requirements and responsibilities, Leading to an imbalance..? - There could be room for a compromise outside of the kitchen. OP cleans up dinner a couple nights, but M does the vacuuming and washing, mowing, etc. Based on time/physical demand. A stubborn approach to change the system: OP leaves the cleanup for the next day, only cleans her own. Just implement it as a trial period and if he doesn’t like his mess, too bad. He can deal with it on his own time. If M wants to clean when it’s not his cooking night, he can. Just now, it falls BEFORE OP cooks instead of after.
Am I the only one that preps near the sink with a trash barrel next to me? Scraps in the disposal and anything else in the trash...as I'm doing it! And washing things in between cuz depending on what I'm cooking there's no cross contamination
You are absolutely right. Someday one or both of them will get sick because he's cut up the raw chicken, then uses the same space to cut veggies for the salad.
Load More Replies...You. Always. Clean. As. You. Cook. ALWAYS. No exceptions! You're an adult. It's so much faster and easier to clean while you work. He just doesn't want to do it. This was a problem in my marriage for a long time until I just took over the cooking and the cleaning. At one point my hubby asked me, "Don't you miss my cooking?" And I responded honestly, "Yes, but not your mess. You use 3 bowls when you could use 1. Spills got left where they happened. You regularly melted utensils by leaving them on the still hot stove. There was no joy or relaxation eating your meals knowing I was about to spend two hours cleaning out the kitchen." Sometimes he cooks now and we work together to clean as he cooks. You don't get a "be a pig" pass just because you were born with a dingdong, regardless of whatever mommy and/or society taught you.
A good solution is to just put a small bin on the counter so it's easier for him to notice and put scraps and wrappers into. Then at the end of the cooking you can just take the bag out of the bin to put into the trash and put a new bag in for the next time. I notice by putting things in eye sight for my messy husband makes him way more likely to put things in the trash or laundry hamper
Slightly off topic here but why are there so many AITAH posts here on BP ? What happened to all the fun goofy posts ?
Because they stimulate responses. BP are going to pick what works as it is what sells the advertising space.
Load More Replies...My husband is a disaster cooking, I clean as I go. We used to do the cook the other cleans and I got tired of it. Difference is that my husband acknowledged his mess, particularly when I pointed out the sauce on the wall 3 ft above the stove. He cleans much more as he goes. Only makes sense to me, you are standing there, why not just put away as the food is cooking, it rarely needs constant supervision.
I used to work an afternoon shift ( 2 to 10 pm). Hubby would make dinner and leave EVERY THING out. Dirty pots, food in the serving dishes, his dirty dishes. Because he thought maybe I would like some dinner when I got home at 10:30 pm. As if I didn't getba dinner break at work. A couple of times I cleaned up when I got home. We talked about it and the next time I just left it as I found it. It was a mess and a lot of wasted food but he stopped leaving dinner out.
We've got a simple system - and I am the "whirling dervish" in the kitchen, where my wife mostly cleans as she goes. I've adapted a bit to do some cleanup while cooking, but our system is whoever cooks, cooks, and no matter who that is, we work together on the cleanup. I tend to cook a lot more, now that I work from home, but we still pitch in together for the cleanup, that way we're both done and relaxing at the same time. There will be times, once the spices and scraps are tidied up, where she'll kick me out of the kitchen and load the dishwasher herself, but nobody walks away until the job is done, unless asked to. Point being, I don't get the bickering over something relatively inconsequential, when you can both pitch in and get it done, regardless of how big the mess is. We've got 31 linear feet of counter space here, I can't imagine her husband can make much more mess than I do. :D
One cooks the other cleans only works if the “work” when cleaning or cooking are about equal. He needs to experience cleaning up his own mess first. Maybe even time it. Set a cap on the time to clean. If you spend longer the excess is left for the other person to clean, there must be a limit to the mess. If the person is just dragging their feet and not cleaning, then time to video the mess and air it on social media for all your friends and family to cast blame.
I wouldn't put up with this. He doesn't want to be your equal. He's taking unfair advantage of you. He's basically a pig. Who would WANT to leave unsanitary food scraps on the counter? Quite obvious he doesn't want to clean up EVER. Very selfish man. And manipulative.
The wife and I negotiated to change chores around. Now I do virtually zero dishes (I'm tall she's short and I slump over doing dishes my back hurts and I get water everywhere). So now I do 100% of yard work, can't even ask her for help. But no dishes for me. Technically I probably lose out on total hours worked, but I would oddly prefer hard manual labor in the sun than stopping to slump and clean grime intermittently. And she hates yard work. So Win-Win. Super clear cut divisions and doing only what we don't hate (we hire out on bathroom cleaning, so neither of us has to do the jobs we both truly hate). This works stellar for us! (Also having allowances for us adults is a great life changer! No questioning what the other spends their money on!) We both trade off on cooking...
Set ground rules for what is left to be cleaned for the cleaner of the night. Cleaner will only do the dinner dishes and the pots/pans/utensils used during cooking. Everything else that is left like food scraps, wrappers, spices, countertops are all the cooks responsibility. That way, the same amount of work is involved for both parties no matter how the person cooks.
Easy solution. Husband must work OT to pay for the commercial grade dishwasher and Stainless countertops. If he wants to create a commercial grade mess, he ponies up for the commercial grade cleaning systems. Or OP tries to make as large of mess as humanly possible on her days. "Not sure how the batter got on the ceiling... But it's all yours."
Or instead of alternating who cooks cleans each meal, or going to cook and clean each day....how about whivere is cooking the other comes in to preclean, and then after dinner you both finish cleaning up together. This way you get to spend more time together.
we cook together. i cut the onion he cuts the meat. i beat the eggs he stirrs the pot. i wash dishes he puts them on their places. we cook and clean as it goes. we spend time together and it all goes faster, then we eat and rest together
Not worth the disagreement. New rule you cook and clean. That way one person gets an entire night off which is much more pleasant.
Why this endless need for people to bring their relationship drama out in the public forum is beyond me……
I guess I would just suck it up because he is at least helping out in some way and is actually a pretty good cook she says. I’m a clean as I cook person too because I couldn’t stand working in a mess. I don’t let my husband cook anymore because I question his hygiene. He also doesn’t do any chores around the house and is a mess-maker. So count your lucky stars is my advice.
I have this problem with my hubby....it's not malicious...its his add adhd(doctor diagnosed and confirmed)
Apparently he IS cool with someone cooking and cleaning the kitchen, just not himself.
She's too tolerant of his mess. It takes seconds to put the salt back in the cupboard. Sounds like weaponised incompetence. Can't really say though as maybe he's awesome when it comes to other chores.
Thus is why we trade cooking dinner for washing dishes. When you cook you clean up your own cooking mess, the other person takes care of the dishes and wiping down the counters.
Load More Replies...He is dumb for rejecting the "person cooking cleans also cleans" solution. That method allows each to cook as they see fit and be RESPONSIBLE for their own actions. His rejection of it is an acknowledgement that he is making a mess and wants someone to clean up after him so he isn't responsible for his actions. I have a feeling if they adopted this, he would fast change his messy ways.
We did that with roommates in a students house. Everyone was messy. Nobody cared. One cooked and the others cleaned. Then I got married. You have to cook and clean. Hello. I cooked. He didn't care. So fine, one pan recipes from then on. I wasn't gonna go out of my way with nice new recipes anymore.
Load More Replies...I'd stop cleaning. She confronted him multiple times, and when she does the same it's different. Just stop cleaning his mess and see what he does.
She needs to stay in the kitchen with him while he's cooking and clean there and then. In the kitchen my parents would divide and conquer, one would cook and the other would do the wash up so they could both sit down after and just put the plates and stuff in the dishwasher. Worked for them!
That only works if you have the space though. My parents don't have the space, plus the layout of their kitchen precludes them from doing it (the most counter space is right near the sink and dishwasher). It also only works if you don't mind having someone in the kitchen with you. It would have driven my mother nuts if my dad was in the kitchen trying to clean dishes while she was cooking. 99% of the time if she was cooking, everybody was banished out of the kitchen unless we were helping say fold goyza then we were at the kitchen table, out of the way
Load More Replies...Husband doesn't want to change the way you do it because the way it's done now privileges him because you end up with the longer time cleaning up the mess.
I'm sorry, but if the man isn't a raving imbecile, he knows EXACTLY what he is doing. He's being a lazy and manipulative a$$. He's in a massive hurry to get the food cooked and eaten so he can sit down and relax. Of course, HE'S the only one who needs to relax. Heaven forbid if the OP might want to sit down for a bit as well. It's up to her whether she wants this to be the hill to die on. If it's the only thing he does, she might give up the fight and just leave him a mess when she cooks. However, if he's an a$$ with other things, then I'd have to decide if I wanted the marriage to continue like this. Let's face it, if you have kids, you'll be the one doing all the evening work, because his relaxation time will be MUCH more important than yours. Think about that.
It seems like the husband wanted a mom instead of a partner. This would be my dad and second brother. Brother doesn't cook or clean, just my mom and I. And when my parents were still married, my dad got pissed over the smallest thing whenever my mom cooked. If a small piece of a garlic clove fell on the floor, he'd yell. It was so bad, he did it to me and my older siblings, even when it came to the dishwasher. To him, everything had a place and if we didn't put something in right, we'd be grounded. Yep, that bad. He and then husband would either get along or but heads every minute.
Load More Replies...1) what he’s doing is weaponized incompetence. It’s much easier to put the paprika back in the cabinet and wipe the flour off the counter than to work around it and then b*tch and moan until wifey cleans up. 2) living alone is the bee’s knees. The only mess I have to clean up is my own.
Why not spend a few nights cooking and cleaning together? At the very least, if he doesn't know HOW to effectively 'clean-as-you-go' and she can show him; if it's weaponized incompetence, same thing. What they'd hopefully discover is what they really hated was feeling alone.
My husband literally had no idea how to do it and never noticed how much I did whilst he was cooking. It took a few months of purposefully asking ‘are you done with this?’ ‘Can I clear this away?’ for him to see what I was doing when and then when the roles reversed he knew what to clear away at what point. It’s all about using those couple of minutes/seconds whilst something comes to the boil to quickly put something away or scraps in the bin.
Load More Replies...NTA. In our home, I am the tornado and leave a bigger mess than my husband does. We take turns cooking, but I also bake and make bread most days so I am in the kitchen quite a bit more than he is. I do try and clean up as I go but mostly I'm multitasking and I just dont have enough hands. But our system is that no-one sits down to relax while there are still chores to be done. Usually one of us will clean the kitchen while the other does the living room & dining room. If I have finished the living room and he still cleaning my mess in the kitchen, then I go and help him - I dont just sit on the couch and watch him clean up my mess.
Why don’t they share both jobs? My husband and I cook together and I do all the ‘clean as we go’ jobs whilst he’s stirring or whatever and he washes the pans as I plate up (he hates serving). At the end, the plates just go in the dishwasher or he washes and I dry the handwash only stuff. It takes half the time as we both do the jobs we like. At first, if I was stirring he’d stand around or reread the recipe he already knows another 3 times but after gentle prompts of what to tidy away that doesn’t need to be used again he’s starting to do it naturally.
This is my other half and I. We cook and clean together. One person Prepping the veggies while the other starts the meat, who's ever recipe it is does the main cooking while other cleans along or fetches ingredients. After dinner we both clean the last of the dishes. Its more fun to cook together💕
Load More Replies...Of course he's going to reject the "whoever cooks also cleans" rule. He knows how bad his mess is. He doesn't want to have to clean it.
My husband is the same way except he always cooks and I always clean. He gets himself into weird angles just to not close a cabinet even though he is using the space under it. I have to put up left out ingredients and the food, really , because the cats will get to it so I basically clean everything before I eat.
Hubby and I have this too. He cooks but washes up an I put the dishes away. Or I cook and clean up and he will wash dishes. But I still put them away. He does sometimes do a big mess of dishes to cook a simple thing but he cooked. I do the prep-cook-clean as you go method. He waits til the end to clean up method. But it is what it is. You could offer to cook together. One is cooking and one is prep clean. Then both do dishes an put away them at the end. A combo night. But I think he would still need alot of stuff out it seems. Just say you want to share recipes as you cook sometimes.
One cooks/other cleans does not equal one cooks/other does the Dishes & final cleanup. These are two different concepts. He is refusing to cook and clean on his turn, however mathematically, it works out the same as only cleaning on his night off cooking. - his point is moot. Facts to consider: Does either OP or partner work physically harder/longer hours or have more contributions to the other household requirements and responsibilities, Leading to an imbalance..? - There could be room for a compromise outside of the kitchen. OP cleans up dinner a couple nights, but M does the vacuuming and washing, mowing, etc. Based on time/physical demand. A stubborn approach to change the system: OP leaves the cleanup for the next day, only cleans her own. Just implement it as a trial period and if he doesn’t like his mess, too bad. He can deal with it on his own time. If M wants to clean when it’s not his cooking night, he can. Just now, it falls BEFORE OP cooks instead of after.
Am I the only one that preps near the sink with a trash barrel next to me? Scraps in the disposal and anything else in the trash...as I'm doing it! And washing things in between cuz depending on what I'm cooking there's no cross contamination
You are absolutely right. Someday one or both of them will get sick because he's cut up the raw chicken, then uses the same space to cut veggies for the salad.
Load More Replies...You. Always. Clean. As. You. Cook. ALWAYS. No exceptions! You're an adult. It's so much faster and easier to clean while you work. He just doesn't want to do it. This was a problem in my marriage for a long time until I just took over the cooking and the cleaning. At one point my hubby asked me, "Don't you miss my cooking?" And I responded honestly, "Yes, but not your mess. You use 3 bowls when you could use 1. Spills got left where they happened. You regularly melted utensils by leaving them on the still hot stove. There was no joy or relaxation eating your meals knowing I was about to spend two hours cleaning out the kitchen." Sometimes he cooks now and we work together to clean as he cooks. You don't get a "be a pig" pass just because you were born with a dingdong, regardless of whatever mommy and/or society taught you.
A good solution is to just put a small bin on the counter so it's easier for him to notice and put scraps and wrappers into. Then at the end of the cooking you can just take the bag out of the bin to put into the trash and put a new bag in for the next time. I notice by putting things in eye sight for my messy husband makes him way more likely to put things in the trash or laundry hamper
Slightly off topic here but why are there so many AITAH posts here on BP ? What happened to all the fun goofy posts ?
Because they stimulate responses. BP are going to pick what works as it is what sells the advertising space.
Load More Replies...My husband is a disaster cooking, I clean as I go. We used to do the cook the other cleans and I got tired of it. Difference is that my husband acknowledged his mess, particularly when I pointed out the sauce on the wall 3 ft above the stove. He cleans much more as he goes. Only makes sense to me, you are standing there, why not just put away as the food is cooking, it rarely needs constant supervision.
I used to work an afternoon shift ( 2 to 10 pm). Hubby would make dinner and leave EVERY THING out. Dirty pots, food in the serving dishes, his dirty dishes. Because he thought maybe I would like some dinner when I got home at 10:30 pm. As if I didn't getba dinner break at work. A couple of times I cleaned up when I got home. We talked about it and the next time I just left it as I found it. It was a mess and a lot of wasted food but he stopped leaving dinner out.
We've got a simple system - and I am the "whirling dervish" in the kitchen, where my wife mostly cleans as she goes. I've adapted a bit to do some cleanup while cooking, but our system is whoever cooks, cooks, and no matter who that is, we work together on the cleanup. I tend to cook a lot more, now that I work from home, but we still pitch in together for the cleanup, that way we're both done and relaxing at the same time. There will be times, once the spices and scraps are tidied up, where she'll kick me out of the kitchen and load the dishwasher herself, but nobody walks away until the job is done, unless asked to. Point being, I don't get the bickering over something relatively inconsequential, when you can both pitch in and get it done, regardless of how big the mess is. We've got 31 linear feet of counter space here, I can't imagine her husband can make much more mess than I do. :D
One cooks the other cleans only works if the “work” when cleaning or cooking are about equal. He needs to experience cleaning up his own mess first. Maybe even time it. Set a cap on the time to clean. If you spend longer the excess is left for the other person to clean, there must be a limit to the mess. If the person is just dragging their feet and not cleaning, then time to video the mess and air it on social media for all your friends and family to cast blame.
I wouldn't put up with this. He doesn't want to be your equal. He's taking unfair advantage of you. He's basically a pig. Who would WANT to leave unsanitary food scraps on the counter? Quite obvious he doesn't want to clean up EVER. Very selfish man. And manipulative.
The wife and I negotiated to change chores around. Now I do virtually zero dishes (I'm tall she's short and I slump over doing dishes my back hurts and I get water everywhere). So now I do 100% of yard work, can't even ask her for help. But no dishes for me. Technically I probably lose out on total hours worked, but I would oddly prefer hard manual labor in the sun than stopping to slump and clean grime intermittently. And she hates yard work. So Win-Win. Super clear cut divisions and doing only what we don't hate (we hire out on bathroom cleaning, so neither of us has to do the jobs we both truly hate). This works stellar for us! (Also having allowances for us adults is a great life changer! No questioning what the other spends their money on!) We both trade off on cooking...
Set ground rules for what is left to be cleaned for the cleaner of the night. Cleaner will only do the dinner dishes and the pots/pans/utensils used during cooking. Everything else that is left like food scraps, wrappers, spices, countertops are all the cooks responsibility. That way, the same amount of work is involved for both parties no matter how the person cooks.
Easy solution. Husband must work OT to pay for the commercial grade dishwasher and Stainless countertops. If he wants to create a commercial grade mess, he ponies up for the commercial grade cleaning systems. Or OP tries to make as large of mess as humanly possible on her days. "Not sure how the batter got on the ceiling... But it's all yours."
Or instead of alternating who cooks cleans each meal, or going to cook and clean each day....how about whivere is cooking the other comes in to preclean, and then after dinner you both finish cleaning up together. This way you get to spend more time together.
we cook together. i cut the onion he cuts the meat. i beat the eggs he stirrs the pot. i wash dishes he puts them on their places. we cook and clean as it goes. we spend time together and it all goes faster, then we eat and rest together
Not worth the disagreement. New rule you cook and clean. That way one person gets an entire night off which is much more pleasant.
Why this endless need for people to bring their relationship drama out in the public forum is beyond me……
I guess I would just suck it up because he is at least helping out in some way and is actually a pretty good cook she says. I’m a clean as I cook person too because I couldn’t stand working in a mess. I don’t let my husband cook anymore because I question his hygiene. He also doesn’t do any chores around the house and is a mess-maker. So count your lucky stars is my advice.
I have this problem with my hubby....it's not malicious...its his add adhd(doctor diagnosed and confirmed)
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