Guy Asks If He Acted Like A Jerk For Not Moving From A Bench Despite A Woman Saying He Made Her Uncomfortable
Taking public transport alone at night can be scary for women. It’s unfortunate that they can’t feel safe just trying to travel without the fear of a stranger near them and what they might do. Men are also conscious of how women feel in this situation too, and consider their own presence in an attempt to alleviate their concerns.
However, one man on Reddit shared his story of a late-night transit and an encounter with a woman who was unhappy with how “close” he was to her. Explaining his situation and finding it hard to believe what she told him, he asked if he was in the wrong for refusing to move from his spot whilst waiting for a train at night.
Read the story below for all the details.
Image credits: Flickr (not the actual photo)
The discomfort of traveling alone by public transport is a familiar scenario for women, especially at night. The fear of physical or sexual harassment is one of the most jarring feelings involved with what should be a simple journey. Sadly, it’s an ongoing issue that women have to be aware of.
In a paper published by the International Transport Forum, a 2017 report in Ile-de-France found that 39% of all sexual assaults against women took place at train stations. It’s one of the factors that puts women off from using public transport and forces them to make other travel arrangements, such as taking a taxi. However, when there are no other alternatives, public transport can seem like the last resort. It’s something that needs to be resolved to make women safer in traveling in urban areas.
A man on Reddit explains how he was waiting for a train home after finishing work late at night
However, he’s asked to move away from a woman that feels uncomfortable sharing a bench with him
He refuses and apologizes saying he’s tired after work and just wants to wait for the train
Feeling frustrated, she swears at him and storms off, leaving him to wonder if he was in the wrong
Image credits: ladyatstop
People understood why she might have said this but explained what they would do in a similar situation
One solution to address the problem involves looking at the facilities of train stations in cities. According to K. Jane Williams, the Administrator of the Department of Transportation in the US, it’s “clear that the environment around transit infrastructure makes a difference in both actual safety and the perception of safety”. She explained further: “This means, for example, designing infrastructure with adequate lighting and clear sight-lines, and eliminating nooks, corners, and isolated areas that may facilitate assaults.”
There are a number of other measures that can help to reduce crime in public transport stations. The Los Angeles Metro bus system implemented changes to help improve the safety of commuters such as: a greater presence of police and security in public areas, CCTV cameras to document and deter potential criminals, and further training for transit operators to identify and de-escalate difficult situations. As a result, they recorded a 39% decrease in total crime between 2017 and 2018 in their network.
I understand that women can be uncomfortable and concerned about their safety but there are limits. He was exhausted from work, was not talking to her, or flirting or doing anything except sitting on the opposite end of the bench. What else could he do?
Honestly nothing. Phone out and headphones on is pretty universal for wanting to be left alone/ not paying attention to other people in public.
Load More Replies...I feel like there was something else going on. If she'd really thought he was creepy, she would have never talked to him in the first place. She would have left quietly.
She confronted him like a smaller dog showing dominance to a bigger dog. "You must leave; I will protect myself!" As a pretty small woman, I have to say, the last thing I would do if I wanted to avoid a dangerous situation is pick a fight with a person who could harm me. This is was just a petty power play.
Load More Replies...Its a public bench you can't tell someone not to sit because you are uncomfortable. And if she was really uncomfortable she would have moved without making a scene
Exactly. She wouldn't have talked to someone like that if they were a threat. He had every right to sit there, and as she's the one with the issue she should move.
Load More Replies...I mean she was free to stand away from him from the beginning. If she's uncomfortable- she should move, no?
Trying to start an argument with a person who makes you nervous is a choice, I guess.
Some people are using the phrase " I'm anxious" as an excuse for everything they don't like. Not everyone, but I have noticed the use increasing for behavior excuses.
If I were scared of someone I wouldn’t engage them, I’d just move…if they followed that is a different story. But she doesn’t have more right to sit because she is female.
That woman had issues that had nothing to do with the person who sat at the end of the bench. Some humans are like that (my sister is) but it's not a gender thing if she actually tells you to move... in THIS case it's a control thing. She was selfish and human nature when scared is to run, not confront. He took her mountain.
Because that's how predators work? You ask them to move and they do? Just pointing out the absurdity of her even asking him to move. He's a human being with as much right to the bench as her.
I was seated in the boarding area of the airport, waiting a few hours for my plane with my cat (plane was delayed due to the weather). One lady came to complain because her kid was allergic and told me I should move. The area was packed, she arrived way after me and nobody knew how long we would be waiting. I told her she could move if she wanted, but I was staying where I was. Nobody forced her to sit close to me. Same here : OP wasn't interacting with her, she is responsible for her feelings.
NTA. That bench isn't her private property, she doesn't get to ask people to leave because she doesn't like them being there. Also, if you actually feel threatened by somebody, why would you deliberately start a conversation with them and draw their attention to you?
Assuming he is bad or a predator because he is a man? What a misandrist! She may need therapy!
What did she think was going to happen on the train, for heaven sake? There's a lot of things I don't do as a female when I'm out by myself. One of the things I don't do is start unnecessary conflict that draws attention to myself. If she needed that much privacy/security bubble, she should have ordered an Uber or a taxi.
I suppose she has bad experience in the past but living in fear that everyone can hurt you is not the answer. And it's not fair to other people. being careful is fine but not at the expense of other person. The man was tired, he did nothing wrong, let him be.
She clearly wasn't that scared if she felt the need to antagonise him.
Load More Replies...I have been the solo female alone at a train station/bus stop when a guy has come along and sat down and yeah, it can be scary. You feel very tense and unsure especially if it's late and there's a long wait. But that's why you watch the guy, check where he's looking, what's his body language saying. Some one who's clearly exhausted and just wants to sit, chill, and wait for the bus/train is no threat to you. Having a go at him is the shitty thing to do
I don't know the lady's background; maybe she's been attacked in the past, who knows? But her history is her own. No need to project onto a complete stranger. As a female who takes public transportation daily (and gets harassed sometimes), I feel little-to-no sympathy for her. If she truly felt threatened, she should have just gotten up and walked away to begin with, no words exchanged. Her reaction otherwise just smacks of entitlement.
If he was a creepy or a bad guy and she talk to him like that she would probably enforce the bad attitude of the creepy guy, luckily it was a good guy in the other side of the bench
That is sad. She is definitely in the wrong. She probably doesn't know what hard work is. Besides you moving wouldn't have helped her in the least. You could could have ran and overtook her at anytime if you were in a mind to do so. She was just being a hair flipping Karen. You know women who diss you by flipping her long hair at you because she thinks she is better than you. She was being rude and crude. You were definitely in the right.
Perhaps this lady should walk around with a stack of post it notes that she could place around her letting others know where she deems it suitable for them to stand or sit whilst in her presence. If I’m at the train station and someone makes me feel uncomfortable guess what I do? Yes that’s right I move to take myself out of the situation, creating an issue with someone minding their own business only increases the chance of coming to harm
She sounds pretty entitled to me. If you arent comfortable being around the public when you are alone, you shouldn't leave the house alone. Going to be a pretty rough life if she thinks everyone should only care how SHE feels. Take a cab next time, or don't travel alone. The world is not going to bend for you.
If he sat right next to her or kept looking over at her I could understand her paranoia, but she was taking it too far. Always be on your guard, you never know, but male doesn’t equate to predator
As long as you gave her as much space as you could - end of bench, clearly focused on something else, NTA. If there are two benches, and you choose to sit next to the lone woman, that's insensitive. If it happens again, be blunt. "Lady, I don't know you, please leave me alone. There is one bench, and I'm tired, this isn't a come on. I'm sitting as far from you as I can, and I'm clearly not interested, so please respect that and stop harassing me."
Maybe she had to fart and was embarrassed and annoyed that someone suddenly sat down next to her lol
NTA. This is just an entitled Karen who wants to display control over other peoples behaviour. Nothing less. If she REALLY was THAT uncomfortable, she would be too scared to even talk to you, let alone arguing.
Stop already with those "guy asks if he acted as a jerk..." and all alike asking for approval. They are just for attention.
The new world we live in where women think they have special entitlement. She's uncomfortable then move, lady
Absolutely NTA - He was minding his own business, and quite frankly, this womans actions were borderline, if not crossing, harassment, as they were as much unwanted by him, and fully initiated by her. She has no "bigger right" in a public space just because she's female, equal rights and all.
Ugh. NTA. That woman was the asshole. If she was so uncomfortable, she could have easily gotten up to move. He has every right to sit on the opposite side of the bench from her, especially if he wasn't even looking at her, talking to her or whatever else. I am all for women wanting to protect themselves, but she went beyond protecting to entitlement
If she didn't like sharing the bench then she had the option to move. You weren't the problem. And her logic also seems faulty. A guy who sits as far from her as he can and then ignores her is unlikely to be a threat. I'd be more worried about one who walked around a lot and was in and out of my sight.
No, OP, you are definitely NTA - but Karen certainly is. It isn't your fault or your problem if she feels "uncomfortable."
NTA If he stood up and moved away he could move behind her and thus be in a far better position to *attack*, *spit in her hair*, I dunno, maybe read her phone over her shoulder?
If there are just two people on an empty platform, Karen might as well have asked you leave and come back later! Ridiculous. You should gave ignored her and pretended you were deaf! It's not as if you sat close to her. Standing or sitting, you were "just as dangerous" to this Karen! Just forget it.
The thing that bothers me about this is she wasn’t too uncomfortable to tell him to move and then be rude to him. If he was the type of man to hurt a woman that could have potentially set him off. He had every to sit there and she should have kept her mouth shut and just moved instead of expecting and telling him to move.
First of all, (30)is is old and your 24? She was hot for you. Think about it, what is she doing all alone in a subway station at night? Where's her husband? Kids? No she's out cruising trying to pick up strangers. She would have never STARTED A CONVERSATION if she was concerned. She's lonely and wanted to get pounded in the stairwell. Sorry, you blew your chance.
Woman here. I don't understand, if you do not feel safe, why start pissing someone off? I don't think that will increase your safety. And if someone want to harm you, asking them to move away is not gonna help you either I would guess...
If she was really so I uncomfortable she wouldn't have been so bold. Seems like she was looking for a reason to argue
I'm a woman but I'd never ask someone to move. He wasn't even close and if he had been I'd have moved. Speaking that way to a stranger is way more dangerous than just sitting there. If he was a nutter it could have escalated things quickly
NTA. As a woman myself, I know what it's like to be uncomfortable. But unless she has serious anxiety issues (in which case she wouldn't have said a word) she shouldn't be threatened by the presence of a man who is paying absolutely no attention to her and sitting probably a good 3m away. Using gender and 'being uncomfortable' as an excuse to get her way is the reason other women still have to be genuinely concerned when they're alone in public. Makes me sick to see people doing such downright disrespectful things.
This one is a situation of a woman using the current cultural environment to unnecessarily and wrongfully impose her will on others. I've no doubt that she has her own little community in which she's telling her side of the story and that this guy was in the process of pulling his pants down so he could rape her. And no, this isn't victim blaming. This is calling a spade a spade.
Yes women are made to fear strange me in empty places, particularly at night. But there is caution and then there is being a b***h and this person took it at least ten feet too far. Unless the guy was really creepy (doesn't sound like it at all), then she was the one in the wrong. Men should know not to approach a strange woman in a place where no one else is around and not to make eye contact, but beyond that, we all have the right to move freely without being harangued for being human and tired. Sitting on a bench well removed from a woman is NOT aggressive, threatening or wrong.
Better to keep it short with entitled people. The first time she asked if you mind going elsewhere you could have answered that you don't mind if she moves. If you feel kind you could add that you'll give her the courtesy of staying in your place so she can feel safe.
The level of entitlement here is appalling. It's a public bench firstly. And what does "uncomfortable" even mean? If she is seeing him as a threat, then clearly she is judging him based purely on appearance alone. I grew up being mistaken for a girl a lot and did have encounters with creepy characters but that does not give me the right to boss others around. I just move to another spot in the station when that happened.
If they were only two people around she should feel better with someone few meters away. It's not the person you see who attacks you and definitely not the one sitting on the other side of bench as you'd see him standing up if he wanted to try something. It's actually the one person you don't see when noone is around you should worry about.
If I am worried about a dude possibly attacking me then I am not going to start a confrontation. If he were going to attack you, then asking him to move is going to accomplish nothing. People are weird so I guess this could have happened, but I have some doubts this is the entire story because nothing about it makes sense.
Did the bench belong to her or was it a public bench? You’re welcome.
Really it depends on how long the bench is. If he could reach her from where he was sitting here was too close. He didn't make it sound like this but he didn't not mislt
It's not "one side of a conflict", it's someone asking for advice.
Load More Replies...Dang just how large is your "personal space"? Other people need breathing room.
Load More Replies...I understand that women can be uncomfortable and concerned about their safety but there are limits. He was exhausted from work, was not talking to her, or flirting or doing anything except sitting on the opposite end of the bench. What else could he do?
Honestly nothing. Phone out and headphones on is pretty universal for wanting to be left alone/ not paying attention to other people in public.
Load More Replies...I feel like there was something else going on. If she'd really thought he was creepy, she would have never talked to him in the first place. She would have left quietly.
She confronted him like a smaller dog showing dominance to a bigger dog. "You must leave; I will protect myself!" As a pretty small woman, I have to say, the last thing I would do if I wanted to avoid a dangerous situation is pick a fight with a person who could harm me. This is was just a petty power play.
Load More Replies...Its a public bench you can't tell someone not to sit because you are uncomfortable. And if she was really uncomfortable she would have moved without making a scene
Exactly. She wouldn't have talked to someone like that if they were a threat. He had every right to sit there, and as she's the one with the issue she should move.
Load More Replies...I mean she was free to stand away from him from the beginning. If she's uncomfortable- she should move, no?
Trying to start an argument with a person who makes you nervous is a choice, I guess.
Some people are using the phrase " I'm anxious" as an excuse for everything they don't like. Not everyone, but I have noticed the use increasing for behavior excuses.
If I were scared of someone I wouldn’t engage them, I’d just move…if they followed that is a different story. But she doesn’t have more right to sit because she is female.
That woman had issues that had nothing to do with the person who sat at the end of the bench. Some humans are like that (my sister is) but it's not a gender thing if she actually tells you to move... in THIS case it's a control thing. She was selfish and human nature when scared is to run, not confront. He took her mountain.
Because that's how predators work? You ask them to move and they do? Just pointing out the absurdity of her even asking him to move. He's a human being with as much right to the bench as her.
I was seated in the boarding area of the airport, waiting a few hours for my plane with my cat (plane was delayed due to the weather). One lady came to complain because her kid was allergic and told me I should move. The area was packed, she arrived way after me and nobody knew how long we would be waiting. I told her she could move if she wanted, but I was staying where I was. Nobody forced her to sit close to me. Same here : OP wasn't interacting with her, she is responsible for her feelings.
NTA. That bench isn't her private property, she doesn't get to ask people to leave because she doesn't like them being there. Also, if you actually feel threatened by somebody, why would you deliberately start a conversation with them and draw their attention to you?
Assuming he is bad or a predator because he is a man? What a misandrist! She may need therapy!
What did she think was going to happen on the train, for heaven sake? There's a lot of things I don't do as a female when I'm out by myself. One of the things I don't do is start unnecessary conflict that draws attention to myself. If she needed that much privacy/security bubble, she should have ordered an Uber or a taxi.
I suppose she has bad experience in the past but living in fear that everyone can hurt you is not the answer. And it's not fair to other people. being careful is fine but not at the expense of other person. The man was tired, he did nothing wrong, let him be.
She clearly wasn't that scared if she felt the need to antagonise him.
Load More Replies...I have been the solo female alone at a train station/bus stop when a guy has come along and sat down and yeah, it can be scary. You feel very tense and unsure especially if it's late and there's a long wait. But that's why you watch the guy, check where he's looking, what's his body language saying. Some one who's clearly exhausted and just wants to sit, chill, and wait for the bus/train is no threat to you. Having a go at him is the shitty thing to do
I don't know the lady's background; maybe she's been attacked in the past, who knows? But her history is her own. No need to project onto a complete stranger. As a female who takes public transportation daily (and gets harassed sometimes), I feel little-to-no sympathy for her. If she truly felt threatened, she should have just gotten up and walked away to begin with, no words exchanged. Her reaction otherwise just smacks of entitlement.
If he was a creepy or a bad guy and she talk to him like that she would probably enforce the bad attitude of the creepy guy, luckily it was a good guy in the other side of the bench
That is sad. She is definitely in the wrong. She probably doesn't know what hard work is. Besides you moving wouldn't have helped her in the least. You could could have ran and overtook her at anytime if you were in a mind to do so. She was just being a hair flipping Karen. You know women who diss you by flipping her long hair at you because she thinks she is better than you. She was being rude and crude. You were definitely in the right.
Perhaps this lady should walk around with a stack of post it notes that she could place around her letting others know where she deems it suitable for them to stand or sit whilst in her presence. If I’m at the train station and someone makes me feel uncomfortable guess what I do? Yes that’s right I move to take myself out of the situation, creating an issue with someone minding their own business only increases the chance of coming to harm
She sounds pretty entitled to me. If you arent comfortable being around the public when you are alone, you shouldn't leave the house alone. Going to be a pretty rough life if she thinks everyone should only care how SHE feels. Take a cab next time, or don't travel alone. The world is not going to bend for you.
If he sat right next to her or kept looking over at her I could understand her paranoia, but she was taking it too far. Always be on your guard, you never know, but male doesn’t equate to predator
As long as you gave her as much space as you could - end of bench, clearly focused on something else, NTA. If there are two benches, and you choose to sit next to the lone woman, that's insensitive. If it happens again, be blunt. "Lady, I don't know you, please leave me alone. There is one bench, and I'm tired, this isn't a come on. I'm sitting as far from you as I can, and I'm clearly not interested, so please respect that and stop harassing me."
Maybe she had to fart and was embarrassed and annoyed that someone suddenly sat down next to her lol
NTA. This is just an entitled Karen who wants to display control over other peoples behaviour. Nothing less. If she REALLY was THAT uncomfortable, she would be too scared to even talk to you, let alone arguing.
Stop already with those "guy asks if he acted as a jerk..." and all alike asking for approval. They are just for attention.
The new world we live in where women think they have special entitlement. She's uncomfortable then move, lady
Absolutely NTA - He was minding his own business, and quite frankly, this womans actions were borderline, if not crossing, harassment, as they were as much unwanted by him, and fully initiated by her. She has no "bigger right" in a public space just because she's female, equal rights and all.
Ugh. NTA. That woman was the asshole. If she was so uncomfortable, she could have easily gotten up to move. He has every right to sit on the opposite side of the bench from her, especially if he wasn't even looking at her, talking to her or whatever else. I am all for women wanting to protect themselves, but she went beyond protecting to entitlement
If she didn't like sharing the bench then she had the option to move. You weren't the problem. And her logic also seems faulty. A guy who sits as far from her as he can and then ignores her is unlikely to be a threat. I'd be more worried about one who walked around a lot and was in and out of my sight.
No, OP, you are definitely NTA - but Karen certainly is. It isn't your fault or your problem if she feels "uncomfortable."
NTA If he stood up and moved away he could move behind her and thus be in a far better position to *attack*, *spit in her hair*, I dunno, maybe read her phone over her shoulder?
If there are just two people on an empty platform, Karen might as well have asked you leave and come back later! Ridiculous. You should gave ignored her and pretended you were deaf! It's not as if you sat close to her. Standing or sitting, you were "just as dangerous" to this Karen! Just forget it.
The thing that bothers me about this is she wasn’t too uncomfortable to tell him to move and then be rude to him. If he was the type of man to hurt a woman that could have potentially set him off. He had every to sit there and she should have kept her mouth shut and just moved instead of expecting and telling him to move.
First of all, (30)is is old and your 24? She was hot for you. Think about it, what is she doing all alone in a subway station at night? Where's her husband? Kids? No she's out cruising trying to pick up strangers. She would have never STARTED A CONVERSATION if she was concerned. She's lonely and wanted to get pounded in the stairwell. Sorry, you blew your chance.
Woman here. I don't understand, if you do not feel safe, why start pissing someone off? I don't think that will increase your safety. And if someone want to harm you, asking them to move away is not gonna help you either I would guess...
If she was really so I uncomfortable she wouldn't have been so bold. Seems like she was looking for a reason to argue
I'm a woman but I'd never ask someone to move. He wasn't even close and if he had been I'd have moved. Speaking that way to a stranger is way more dangerous than just sitting there. If he was a nutter it could have escalated things quickly
NTA. As a woman myself, I know what it's like to be uncomfortable. But unless she has serious anxiety issues (in which case she wouldn't have said a word) she shouldn't be threatened by the presence of a man who is paying absolutely no attention to her and sitting probably a good 3m away. Using gender and 'being uncomfortable' as an excuse to get her way is the reason other women still have to be genuinely concerned when they're alone in public. Makes me sick to see people doing such downright disrespectful things.
This one is a situation of a woman using the current cultural environment to unnecessarily and wrongfully impose her will on others. I've no doubt that she has her own little community in which she's telling her side of the story and that this guy was in the process of pulling his pants down so he could rape her. And no, this isn't victim blaming. This is calling a spade a spade.
Yes women are made to fear strange me in empty places, particularly at night. But there is caution and then there is being a b***h and this person took it at least ten feet too far. Unless the guy was really creepy (doesn't sound like it at all), then she was the one in the wrong. Men should know not to approach a strange woman in a place where no one else is around and not to make eye contact, but beyond that, we all have the right to move freely without being harangued for being human and tired. Sitting on a bench well removed from a woman is NOT aggressive, threatening or wrong.
Better to keep it short with entitled people. The first time she asked if you mind going elsewhere you could have answered that you don't mind if she moves. If you feel kind you could add that you'll give her the courtesy of staying in your place so she can feel safe.
The level of entitlement here is appalling. It's a public bench firstly. And what does "uncomfortable" even mean? If she is seeing him as a threat, then clearly she is judging him based purely on appearance alone. I grew up being mistaken for a girl a lot and did have encounters with creepy characters but that does not give me the right to boss others around. I just move to another spot in the station when that happened.
If they were only two people around she should feel better with someone few meters away. It's not the person you see who attacks you and definitely not the one sitting on the other side of bench as you'd see him standing up if he wanted to try something. It's actually the one person you don't see when noone is around you should worry about.
If I am worried about a dude possibly attacking me then I am not going to start a confrontation. If he were going to attack you, then asking him to move is going to accomplish nothing. People are weird so I guess this could have happened, but I have some doubts this is the entire story because nothing about it makes sense.
Did the bench belong to her or was it a public bench? You’re welcome.
Really it depends on how long the bench is. If he could reach her from where he was sitting here was too close. He didn't make it sound like this but he didn't not mislt
It's not "one side of a conflict", it's someone asking for advice.
Load More Replies...Dang just how large is your "personal space"? Other people need breathing room.
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