Someone Asks ‘What Do Kids With Helicopter Parents Look Like As Adults?’, And Here Are 30 Illuminating Answers
You've probably heard of helicopter parenting, an approach to raising kids where parents pay extremely close attention to their kids' lives, before.
The chances are you may even know someone who had their mom and dad become overly involved in their lives. You may have experienced it yourself. And while helicopter parents walk the fine line between wanting what’s best for their kids and making their childhood miserable, the practice is still rather common.
Recently, someone on Ask Reddit drew attention to this topic and asked people “What do kids with helicopter parents look like as adults?” The stories started rolling in one by one, and it’s an eye-opening and thought-provoking read you may want to pull your seat closer for.
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My older brother and I both moved out as soon as we turned 18. He moved to the opposite side of the country, I moved three states away. He still keeps low contact and is still on the East Coast. I came back home when I became homeless at 25 and noticed that while we were gone, my mother (the helicopter) had done a lot of soul searching and realized that her controlling nature pushed her kids away.
She's been in Co-Dependents Anonymous for almost eight years now, and I'm happy to say for the first time in my life I enjoy spending time with my mom. Took a bit, but I was able to transition out of low contact.
To find out more about helicopter parenting and how it affects the wellbeing of a child, Bored Panda spoke with Helen Marlo, a licensed clinical psychologist and Jungian psychoanalyst who provides psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, and consultation. Marlo is also a Professor of Clinical Psychology and the Department Chair at Notre Dame de Namur University. She frequently sees the deleterious effects of this kind of parenting in her clinical work, so she feels passionately about this topic.
Marlo explained that helicopter parenting is destructive because it is a self-involved style of parenting that lacks empathy. “It is dominated by relating through action which takes away from the parent genuinely engaging with the child. This parenting style prevents the child from experiencing which is, often, the best teacher in life.”
They tried to ground me after I came back from serving in the Marine Corps. Tried to take the keys to the car I own and prevent me from getting an education.
Told my mom she can pound dirt and told my dad that if he didn't fix himself and stand up to my overbearing mom, I'd never talk to the two of them again. Then I got in my car and drove off. I was homeless for a minute until I saved enough for an apartment.
You'd think that me moving out and being homeless instead of living with them would be the thing that made things click.
No.
About a year after my move-out, I'd reconnected with my family and agreed to take my mom to her aerobics class one day since her car was in the shop.
Well, I drive about 10 minutes before she lays into me about my life choices, etc. I pulled the car over, looked at her, and said, "Get out." She looked stunned. I just repeated myself and added, "Now."
She got out. I drove off to my apartment, played some Counter-Strike: Global Offensive, and she got her much-needed exercise.
My mom was a pretty bad helicopter mom. I'm 27. I was fortunate to have aunts and uncles who modeled a different kind of parenting when I stayed with them, and good friends in college/just after college who taught me a crash course in life. When I went to college, I couldn't make more than box mac and cheese. I couldn't drive. I had never done my own laundry. Phone calls paralyzed me.
Somewhere around age 20-21, it dawned on me that my mom was misrepresenting how scary being an adult was. She made everything more difficult for herself: paying bills by phone instead of automatically, double checking her checkbook by doing the math by hand first and then with a calculator, washing dishes by hand and then putting them in the dishwasher, letting laundry pile up and then doing 5 loads a day for two days.... etc etc.
When I payed my own taxes, filed my own FAFSA, unclogged my own drain, and just tried recipes without caring if I messed up, something clicked. You can give many things a try with minimal permanent consequences. Dumber people than me can cook, drive, vote, pay taxes, etc. So why couldn't I?
I now have two graduate degrees and am about halfway through a doctorate. I am happily married and do the bulk of the cooking and running the household. I can drive, even though I'm still a fairly nervous driver. I make phone calls all the time. I can have my advisors point out something I did wrong without having a meltdown. I kept a cat alive for two years and she's doing great.
I gave my mom's anxiety back to her and let her handle it. I'm doing just fine.
Anxious. Suffocated. Helicopter parents have this unrealistic expectations but refuses to accept that their children are now adults.
I'm 23. Last year I rented an apartment near work (I could finally breathe properly) but still I have to text her when I step out of the unit, when I reached the office, when my shift is done and when I finally got home.
If I forgot to text, or if my message didn't go through; she won't stop calling me until I answer. The signal in my apartment is poor so I really have to go outside to get a single bar. One time she kept calling me but I was asleep, and since there's almost no signal then I'm not receiving any of her calls. When I finally went out that's when my phone rang, she told me she's already on her way to my workplace just because I didn't answer her calls.
Now my hand shakes and my heart always drops when I hear a text or call. Even if it's not from her. That's how my mother is affecting me.
Moreover, helicopter parenting can be especially destructive “because it involves activities that may masquerade as forms of ‘good parenting,’ and involve actions that lead to greater outward success for one’s child,” Marlo argues. She added that this can make it a hard style for parents to modify.
According to the clinical psychologist, helicopter parenting involves actions which are, seemingly, on behalf of the child and their alleged needs. However, in reality, they “more often are motivated by the parent’s own anxieties, expectations, hopes, wishes, and needs.”
* Unwilling/unable to make decisions
* "I didn't do that because nobody directed me to"
* Doesn't take a single step without getting specific approval from someone
* No problem-solving ability whatsoever. Just waits around to be told exactly what to do
Friend of mine has a big time helicopter mom. He has never paid taxes, he’s 23 his mom handles everything. Recently he moved from his hometown to Austin so he can attempt to be an adult. His mom moved to Austin less than a week later. But other than that he’s the most depressed guy I know.
My best friend grew up with controlling, helicopter parents and there's a lot of things she never learned because they never taught her. My husband and I have been teaching her basic financial literacy because her parent's never helped her build credit, never let her have her own bank account, never let her apply for a credit card. They controlled everything so she ha to unlearn a mindset of spending any money you do have on hand ASAP.
She also struggled with honesty. In her household lying was second nature. The best way to get out of any problem was to lie. This caused a lot of problems for her because she would lie to fix things, cover things, and get out of things in her other relationship. That took a long time and a few destroyed relationships to really unlearn.
She also struggles with impulse control. She's much better now but she used to make a lot of bad choices simply because she could. She wouldn't stop to think through if it was a good idea or not.
We're in our late 20s and my husband and I have served as a lot of her safety net and support over the years. Her relationship with her parents and herself have gotten way healthier so now she's living on her own, supporting herself, and making smarter choices but oof, those early 20s were a rough time.
It’s important to understand that helicopter parenting is not just a mere parenting style, but that it can be intrusive and controlling of the child, their experience, and their self-expression. This self-involved style of parenting prevents the parent from seeing their child and from being conscious and attuned to their child’s needs.
Marlo told us that “it can interfere with the natural development and unfolding of one’s personality, coined by psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, as the process of, ‘going-on-being.’ When ‘going-on-being’ is impinged upon, it can lead to the development of a ‘false self.’”
Honestly just an anxious mess. Every job I've had I've been constantly afraid I'll mess something up and be a disappointment. It's honestly paralyzing.
Eventually when I got married I just kind of gave up on having a career and became a housewife. Still constantly anxious I don't measure up but at least my husband is willing to reassure me.
Read the book *The Coddling of the American Mind*, and/or the article in The Atlantic by the same name. Kids who were treated that way seem to have higher suicide rates and more depression, more anxiety, and an unusually poor ability to deal with conflict (hence the craze for "safe spaces" and cancel culture that is sweeping HR departments and universities the world over).
My wife has helicopter parents and I constantly have to argue with them. We are in our mid thirties.
When we visit they plan our itinerary to the 15 minute block. Stopping for lunch as a family is not allowed unless previously approved.
They have tentacles that reach out though churches to check on us. When my daughter was born a stranger to us came up to us in a restaurant, picked up our new born and walked away with her. I had to chase her down. She told me my wife’s mother had told her to do so. She was over a thousand miles away.
We attended their church once. Again, we are in NC and they were in Maine. A strange family came up and questioned why my wife uses a breast pump and told her it makes her less of a mother. There is no way they could have known without someone telling them.
My wife’s siblings are all struggling. Can’t do anything for themselves. I own their cars and they make payments to me, I pay for their car insurance.
During one medical emergency while I was at work the parents called their friends at church to go get my daughter and no one called me. When I finally heard from my wife we didn’t know where my child was. Grandma had control.
Good god, I'd have called the police after the attempted baby kidnapping.
I don't understand why they didn't, unless OP didn't mention it.
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These all sound like police intervention is necessary. Get a no contact order. Cover your family, home, work, church, etc., locations. NO WHERE should release a child to anyone other than the parents unless specified. I'd advise to make sure the siblings' insurance and cars are in their names (you/bank can be the lien holder) for legal reasons. If something happens in one of these cars and it's in your name, YOU are responsible. I would block them and call the cops every single time they do something. Maybe send a cease and desist letter through an attorney and be prepared to cut off/limit contract when push comes to shove. I'd have called the cops and cut ties the first time some stranger took my child out of my hands and that psycho wouldn't have taken more than two steps before I'd have been on her. What kind of unbalanced do you have to be to follow orders to take a baby from their parent's arms?
This isn't just 'helicopter' parenting. This is criminal, threatening behavior.
The church sounds very much like a cult church. It certainly doesn't sound like any of the mainstream religions I know.
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No! This is an absolute nightmare, I'd pack up my wife and kid and leave the country in the middle of the night. That is the most outrageous and toxic situation.
Someone *unrelated* to the child took the child on the instructions of a *non-custodial* relative. That's the long way of saying "they kidnapped a child."
Dude, call the damn cops, ffs. Strangers are kidnaping your child. Jesus.
Time for a restraining order. And press charges when it happens again, even if it was a church member walking off with the baby.
People who agree to walk up to complete strangers & walk off with their baby -- do they not have ANY self-preservation or survival instincts or whatever?? I imagined myself on the receiving end of such treatment. Oh, man, that lady would end up in the emergency room & the cops would be called, like, STAT! WTH??
That person is probably in the same cult mindset as the parents, and believed they were rescuing the baby's soul from damnation.
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Take every legal step suggested below then move. Seriously. Get out of that church network and that town. Your kids safety is at serious risk.
This sounds like move, change your name, get a restraining order, type behaviour. The taking off with your kid thing (twice!) is super scary. If you haven't already done so, you need to take them off all emergency contact and next of kin lists, and ensure that all childcare, nurserys & schools know to only let your child go with named individuals.
Most of these i read i feel are just over protective parents with children that need a little mire oversight albeit the parents made them that way. However your case is insane and you have no choice but back them down. Sorry the situation is so rough.
That sounds like time to petition the court for a protective order. Seriously, telling someone 1000 miles away to kidnap, because that’s what she tried to do, your daughter? Telling caregivers to not inform you when there’s an emergency or where they’ve taken your daughter? That is so incredibly messed up and honestly, it does sound cult-ish. Get as far away as you can with as many roadblocks between you as possible.
Remind her that arranging for your child to be taken without your permission is called “conspiracy to commit kidnapping”, and is a major federal crime that the FBI takes seriously.
This is a similar situation to what happened to me. I had to be in the hospital and mom was supposed to pick my daughter up from the bus. Turns out she didn't pick her up. After a few days with someone who wasn't supposed to have her she calls my mom(5 years old) and says she hungry. My mom flips out like she didn't know she was supposed to have her. When I get out of the hospital I can't find my kid. No one is answering calls. The first one to answer was a church lady who said my mom is just doing what's best. I had already called the cops and they were IN ON IT! My mom had filled neglect. It took me almost two years to get her back. I live in a small town that recently had the dcps come under investigation for trafficking. My whole friend group consisted of these church people and they all turned their backs on me and helped my mom take my baby. The story is much longer but that's just the gist of it. when churches are involved, it's hard to be taken seriously by cops
I am so, SO sorry you had to live through this. I hope you're doing better now. That is so scary.
I'm sorry but if a stranger literally comes and takes your child, you don't need to care who told them to do it, that's literally kidnapping. Call the police and have them arrested. Do that just once and I bet those parents won't have any influence over them anymore as nobody wants to get arrested. Might also be time to look into moving away from church and church people if they feel that entitled to break the law and do as they please without even knowing you. Definitely sounds like a dangerous cult.
Do you realize these actions are illegal? If someone takes your child without your permission it's called kidnapping. Being related to the child is irrelevant if you don't have permission to take them.
No. Get rid of her. Cut ties, get a restraining order and show any evidence to a lawyer. F**k that s**t.
That c**p would happen 1 time and they would see what a true parental meltdown looked like. You don't touch my kid and you damn sure don't pick her up and walk away. Someone would go to jail and I'd be pressing charges. Then, we would move and her parents would never see or hear from us again. NO, just NO.
Im sorry to hear this. I'd freak out if someone ever get to my child without permission just like that -- and no, a permission from grandma does not count 😭
These people need to call the police. That is called kidnapping, and it's ILLEGAL in every single state of the union, regardless if the kidnapper is related to the kid or not. Taking a person's child without telling that person, and without that person' explicit permission, is KIDNAPPING. Call the cops. Sweet Jeebus...
Dude, if you have another incident where ANYONE aside from you or your wife picks up your child either from a location or like the restaurant incident Call. THE. POLICE. Pretty sure that can be ruled kidnapping, especially if you have no clue where your child is.
Oh they'd of been hospitalized. Every time I saw them I'd grind their soul into the p**s and s**t they deserved.
??? does that mean something? Couldn't find it on any acronym database.
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You can forbit that the grandparents are allowed to take your child! (Ok, in germany you can forbit that anyone who does not have custody can see or take it) Why don't you take a lawyer and make some preparetions?
some of this is sounds illegal you cant hire someone to take a baby even if its your family
I'm so tired of religions & religious people. Thinking they know better than the rest of us. Making our lives miserable because of the archaic nonsense they believe is god's word. GO AWAY!!
I had my mom send people to watch me be out with friends and to report back to her. I'm 32 now and if she still hears from her spies or sees me talking to a guy then she will go ballistic. Apparantely, if I am to marry then it is a guy she chooses for me from parents who believe in arranged marriage who'd pay her. Like my family isn't even for arranged marriage but if there is something good that she can get out of it then she will do it. She set me up a wedding once with people in another country like 5 years ago and I told her to have fun at the wedding and to tell me how it went since I will miss it. She called me a selfish idiot who wouldn't even meet them and that it was wrong of me (the bride) to leave a wedding and a guy neither one of us knew the name of that she worked hard to set up in another country. Well, mom, I'm not for sale to strangers so make your money another way.
That's a fine way to get arrested. I would break someone's bones had they tried to take my child.
Past time to escape. Change address, phone number, go work overseas, cut off all contact.
Excuse me? A complete stranger picked up the baby and *walked away*? I hope the OP called the cops.
This is very frightening. These people have stepped so far over boundaries it's crazy. I would get the law involved so they are unable to randomly take this child or any future children without your approval. They need counseling, but probably don't think they do anything wrong. Self-entitled assholes.
Where are that some stranger not listed as emergency pick up, can take your child? You need to fix this asap. It will not end pretty
Whoa why wasn't the police called? That might stop the taking of your child. That's kidnapping
I'd be talking to a lawyer. You have just as much right as your wife, but even more than grandma. You should be able to stop your wife from leaving New York without your knowledge.
They crossed a big line there with your daughter. I would seriously consider a restraining order.
Grandma needs a restraining order and you need to stop going to those churches. Grandma will try and have you labled unfit next. This isn't a joke. Restraining order, notify the hospital and school of the issue (if your child ever ends up in the hospital, needing stitches or something, I guarantee grandma put her name on the hospital call list via her friends, grandma will try and get your kid there.
Sounds like you need to move farther away and file a restraining order. No one has the right to order a stranger to pic, up your kid without telling you and then judge you for it.
Now this requires legal action. Restraining orders on your parents and keep a copy on you and anyone who interacts with your child( daycare, schools) be extremely detailed and clarify WHO MAY INTERACT WITH YOUR CHILD ON YOUR LIST OF CONTACTS. This is illegal. Go no contact or they may actually kidnap your child. Means they don't get your address ever. Go dark on the web. Let all your friends and neighbors you trust about this. Have your own support circle. And ANYONE Who APPROACHES YOU take their video/pic get their name, tag# car model and turn them into police and PRESS CHARGES.
Why haven't you pressed charges on grandma yet. If she and her accomplices ALREADY TOOK YOUR CHILD.
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Sounds like kidnapping to me, and conspiracy to commit.. Call the police. Send her to jail. The church people as well. .. Anyone touches my kid, and walks off with them, you bet there will be police involved, or bodies to be buried.
If they can't trust local police, they can go state and even FBI since it sounds like grandma is doing this through friends over state lines.
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No offence but it kinda sounds like two competing forces vying for the codependence of your wife and her siblings, you vs the grandparents. I may be wrong bc I don’t have the full story. But I noticed you say you’re the one constantly arguing with them, but it should really be your wife standing up for herself and you. She needs to set boundaries with them and her siblings. It doesn’t seem like owning her siblings cars would help you guys set stricter boundaries in the future if needed. If it were me in this situation I would cut as many ties as possible and stay on a need-to-know, basic pleasantry levels of relationship with all the in-laws.
Grandma has issues. She sounds dangerous. She is having people kidnap your child. The police need to be called the next time she tries to pull one of these stunts. The only way she will learn. Also, change your phone numbers & move without giving your in-laws the new address. They need to not be able to find you. Also, find a new day care that will not allow just anyone to take your child.
You need a restraining order against this woman. Did you call the police on the woman who took your baby and your mother in law?
I'm sorry, but walk up and take a child I have responsibility for, and all the rules go out the window
OMG! Take your child and move to another country and change the denomination you attend! Grandma sounds terrifying and I would make sure she couldn't see or hear about my child ever again! Just what kind of weird church do you belong to, anyway?
I'd have restraining orders out and the charges against the people who took my child.
Restraining order stat!!!!!!!!! This is abuse and your child has been abducted numerous times! Seriously this is bad! They don't know these people and your kids will be abused. Restraining order NOW!!!
I don’t have kids but I know I would beat that person to death for grabbing my daughter and walking off.
The first sentence is likely true. Everything past that is made up. Hell, in the second to last sentence OP even admits to taking on the role of helicopter parent.
You mean where he is helping the wife's siblings? That's not helicopter parenting, that's teaching them how to become adults. Something their parents have failed to do.
Load More Replies...Marlo explained that, for example, “helicopter parenting can quash dimensions of the child’s personality and innate capacities, and foreclose emerging, influential experience, by preventing or intruding upon the child’s spontaneous behaviors as well as by sending strong messages about who the child should be, which often goes against their being and leads to the development of a false self.”
She added that helicopter parenting is a form of parenting that involves acting and doing in contrast to relating and understanding. “It consists of actions that can supplant and take away from communicating and being with the child.”
One of my cousins had the worst helicopter parents. Her mother took her to school and for the entire year, waited outside the classroom door while class was in session.
The next year she volunteered as a teacher's assistant for baby's class. This went on until baby graduated high school and applied for college - out of town.
Mom and dad sold their house and bought a new one in the town where baby was going to college. Twice. They did this twice.
Baby is a well-adjusted young lady. She's lovely, has a college degree and is in training to become a helicopter pilot. I'm not even kidding. The helicopter baby is becoming a helicopter pilot.
I dated a guy like this. I was 49 years-old, he was 57. He resented his parents, always complained about them. He could not make decisions, so never made one. It was up to me to make all the dating plans.
He was helpless in that he had no life skills. He was laid off from his mechanical engineering job and could no longer afford rent, so I took pity on him, and let him move in with me. He could not cook or clean and expected me to do all that work for him. Even after all that, he started resenting me, probably because he was so dependent on me.
I kicked him out and he's now living with his parents. That was 4 years ago and he's still there, still resenting them.
They go one of two ways usually. Either helicopter parents themselves, or completely wild childs that majorly screw up once they taste freedom.
I was #2, and it took a while to calm down.
Moreover, “a helicopter parent can mistakenly convince themselves that doing for their child or being anxiously preoccupied about their child is a form of engagement and love.”
We also asked the clinical psychologist and Jungian psychoanalyst what the children of helicopter parents are like. Marlo explained that they often “show a limited capacity for tolerating stress and they can become easily overwhelmed by stressors since helicopter parenting generally prevents them from having to face and cope with the usual stresses of life.”
When I was 18 I just left. They didn't have legal guardianship, they couldn't say s**t. Things were rocky for a couple of years but so worth the freedom. As I got married and had kids they tried to be controlling over them and my spouse and I set extremely firm boundaries and made it clear that they would never see any of us again if they played that game with me. I was about two seconds away from filing a restraining order when they finally got the message.
Unfortunately, I have to use their tactics against them and threaten extreme things in order to get them out of our personal lives. The one thing I took away from all of that is with people like that, you have to be willing to fight and accept that you may very well have to cut them completely out of your life.
My parents weren't [helicopter parents]. But a friend moved to a different state and got engaged, and my friend's mom still managed to be a helicopter parent. Visiting at least three times a month and contacting either her or her SO constantly.
It ruined the engagement because the significant other finally had enough [...] Even though my friend was annoyed with her mom as well, she couldn't cut her mom off completely... I don't know all the details, but it must have been superr annoying if someone was like, "I love you, but f**k having in-laws like this."
She is now single and has moved back home. It's unfortunate...
This is so sad. Her mom clipped her wings. "If you love someone, set them free" is true.
Really good liars because they had to master it at a young age.
Having a helicopter parent often leads a person to develop a sense of specialness and a feeling of entitlement, Marlo argues. “That is, they develop an expectation that they should be treated differently from others, and that others could and should do things for them, often, because they are so unique or special.” Moreover, they may develop a feeling of superiority, “often in compensation for feeling so inadequate, insecure, or useless because everything is being done for them,” she added.
The clinical psychologist also noted that while having a helicopter parent who takes care of everything can feel good in the moment, it can backfire. “The person often winds up feeling incompetent, useless, or without purpose and that leads to increased depression and anxiety.”
Failure to launch syndrome is something I mainly work with in my clients as a therapist. Lots of avoidance of conflict, not able to do basic life skills, executive functioning defects, and parents still overly involved in their lives well into adulthood.
I can answer this!
I'm scared of my parents, specifically my dad. I'm the youngest in my family and grew up conditioned to always be a delicate little flower who had to be protected at all costs. As I grew older and by them being particularly strict about what I could or couldn't do, my adult brain registered the 'couldnt do's as threats to my safety.
It's caused me a lot of issues. Here's a list-
- I have 2 separate personas around people. When I'm with friends, I swear a lot, I joke around, I deliberately try to p**s them off for a laugh. I'm not afriad to admit I enjoy playing video games or watch cartoons. Near my parents? I'm as quiet as a mouse. Even when I do speak near them I don't swear or try anything to bother them.
- I can't bring myself to update my social media where my parents can see it because I'm frightened they'll come in and tell me I have s bad opinion or I should delete my posts. If something minor is even put up, it gets taken down.
- As a result of being scared of my dad, I developed a severe anxiety disorder revolving around riding in his car as a passenger. If I'm carsick, he'll be mad. And that happens frequently. I'm getting better at not having a panic attack in his car. Gradually.
- They are so deluded in seeing me as a delicate little flower that they fail to encourage or acknowledge my real interest in playing video games. Like it's embarrassing to them. I do my best not to bother them by playing my games very discreetly.
- It's impolite to be loud. I listen to the TV at the lowest volume, I've trained myself to burp by like. Breathing it out through my nose so it's silent. People around me can belch loudly if they wanted. I don't know how to anymore. If I accidentally make any sort of unsavoury sound I have to apologize profusely.
- I'm afraid of the outside world at dark. Even at twilight. I was forbidden from riding a train home at 5pm to protect me from scary people. But now? I'm always frightened. It makes it difficult to go out in public at night without constantly being on edge. It's made people who are just having fun drinking with friends look like monsters who intend to kill me instead.
- ^^^ I'm too anxious to drink because I don't want to disappoint my parents AND all drunk people are dangerous and intend to hurt you.
I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist and both of them told me my mental health will improve drastically when I move out. They say right now, I am an independent adult...but I'm very much a robot conditioned at a young age to stay safe to the point of never really experiencing the world and learning to make mistakes so as a result I am always anxious and terrified of disappointing my parents.
My parents track my location at all times now. I’m 27.
That way they don’t call the cops if I don’t pick up within 30 min... which has happened multiple times. [...] I once fell asleep on the couch and my parents couldn’t get a hold of me for an hour. They concluded I had hit my head in the shower and died.
My parents are immigrants and only have me, so I’m not sure if that has to do with their anxiety.
Helicopter parenting often shapes subsequent relationships, including how the person relates to others and who they connect with in relationships. “In relationships, they may, for example, be drawn to someone who replicates a pattern of being intrusive and controlling, leading the person to become less competent, confident and more dependent.”
“Similarly, they may be drawn to others who treat them as special, which is not conducive to maintaining healthy, long-term relationships, particularly by failing to learn to manage inevitable human disappointments, limitations, imperfections, and boundaries,” Marlo concluded.
My ex has an overly doting mother. He couldn't crisis manage, troubleshoot or handle anything on his own. He also ONLY trusted her advice, I suggested something, he refused she suggested the same thing and he obliged. He lacked motivation to do better for himself, look for a better job, get our own place, etc because his mom always took care of him financially. He had no faith in his abilities or talent because he never had the chance to prove to himself he could handle anything.
Child free and an absolute f**k up and failure. Still trying to make up for lost time of my adolescence and I'm almost 30. I'd rather be dead some days.
Thanks for asking.
Anxious, never believing they're good enough, always feeling as if they're being watched and judged. Sheltered life so no experience of the real world because the parents taught them everyone is out to get them and they won't survive "out there". Might have one personality for the parents that's inoffensive and childish and one for everyone else. Terrified of making decisions or doing adult things.
The best thing I ever did for myself was to go to university too far from them to be able to live at "home" and refuse to move back in with them when I graduated. I don't think I'd have made it to 25 if I had to live under their roof again.
Huh. This one hit harder than I expected. XD Also add in though, that I wasn't allowed to ask for help because it would "be a burden" on someone else. So I got REAL good at learning by observation and extrapolation. But there's so much I still don't know because my parents never bothered to teach me. Going No Contact was the best thing I could have ever done though.
Kids with helicopter parents tend to become adults with helicopter parents. No boundaries are set so the parents never take a step back.
My husband deals with this with his mother. We make decisions as a married couple, then later everything changes after they talk to each other. Even situations dealing with our daughter, like I have no say even when he and I were on the same page before decisions were put into action.
He is so desperate to please his mom, he turns his back on me. When I confront him, he blames me for causing drama or being petty.
His mom acts like she is his wife and he lets it happen. It grosses me out.
My college roommate had a helicopter mom. It was so bad she brushed her hair herself for the first time in college. She couldn’t take care of herself. She had never spent a night away from home and she cried every night. She ended up dropping out after the first semester.
I had one working for me at an architecture firm as an intern. Gave her work that was slightly challenging for someone starting out (where she had to figure some things out on her own). Failed miserably. Resorted to giving her redlines to pick up— literally a print out of a drawing with red pen showing what needed to be changed— move this wall over 8”, fix this typo, etc. She finished about half of the changes and brought it back “done”. I went back and told her the way to track her work was to go over the red marks with a highlighter as she finished each change, to make sure she picked it all up. Still brought it back partly done, but with highlights indicating she had done all of it. Couldn’t understand why that was a problem. She wasn’t dumb, just couldn’t fathom that no one would be picking up after her, or that errors in the drawings could cost tens of thousands of dollars in lost time and materials down the line.
It all fell into place for me the second day, when she drove up in a new car her parents had bought for her (she had been driving it for a month). I had been thinking of getting a similar car, so I asked her what she thought of it. Was it designed well? We’re there any annoying features? All she could tell me was that the brakes were “sticky”. I kind of gave up on her after that. If she had been inexperienced but wanted to learn and asked questions and made an effort to get things right, I would have put in the effort to teach her.
I saw a post on relationship advice from a guy whose mum was a helicopter parent.
He was nearly 30 and still lived with her, she used to check his bank account and turn up to his work to make sure he was there. He'd never had a relationship and wanted advice on moving to new city and going no contact. Does this help?
Kudos to him!! I hope he accomplishes his goal of becoming his own person!
i’m 21 years old and my dad still tracks my location when i go out. if i hang out with my friends past midnight (pre-quarantine) he’d get mad and try to call until i left.
they’re also on my case about applying for a job, which i’ve been actively doing. they’re not necessarily supportive, they just think “she’s gotta do it.”
i live with them still so i never make phone calls while i’m in the house because they’ll walk in and interrupt me, asking who i’m talking to and what i’m talking about. it’s super embarrassing if the person on the other end hears them.
i have an entire separate “brand” of social media that they don’t know about because they follow all of my personal socials and always comment if i post something they don’t like, so i feel like i don’t have free range to post about certain things (sexuality is a big one but i don’t even like using bad language or talking about alcohol) even though i’m an adult and can make decisions for myself. vanishingpals allows me to post what i want and just be myself online. i’m still terrified they’re gonna find out about it someday.
i still feel like every decision i make revolves around them and their reactions. i don’t go shopping often, i don’t make plans with friends easily, i don’t use facebook because my dad still has my password and i hated using it after that. he tried to get my email password too, but i refused to give it to him.
my mom apparently comes into my room to check out my stuff either when i’m asleep or when i’m not there. she used to come in to check my phone for messages so i started shutting my phone off at night. (and i just found out my dad checks to see if i’m awake by using the Find My Friends app to see if my phone is on.) one time, she noticed something in my room and asked what it was. i told her i didn’t want her to know (because it’s private and mine) and she said “you know i’ll just come in when your not here and look at it.” i’ve never wanted to punch someone more, if i’m being honest.
this affected my brother too. he just got married without telling any of us (separate story, he had a good reason) and now he feels super uncomfortable talking to our parents about it because of this horrible helicopter thing they’ve done.
helicopter parents are the absolute worst and at times, it’s straight up abusive. i have absolutely zero sense of privacy and it’s honestly driving me over the edge. the lack of boundaries makes me not want to pursue anything they won’t like and i feel like i don’t have total free range or control of my life, even though i’m an adult who could handle everything on my own. i think they’re trying to keep me safe and secure? but it’s just invasive and the fact that they don’t even think twice about it (especially my mom; sometimes i call my dad out and he listens) just makes it especially horrible.
tl; dr: please don’t track your kids like this, i really, really, really hated it growing up and still have a space for resentment for them.
This might be unpopular, but I have never tracked my kids' phones or social media. I have taught them about the dangers out there...but I believe they need their space. I trust that they will make good decisions. I trust that they will communicate with me if they mess up. I have faith in them. I think that says a lot to them. I dunno. I'm certainly not a perfect mom...but I love my kids. I respect their autonomy.
They are unable to fend for themselves, have crippling anxiety, poor social skills, and a fear of failure. They have a hard time coping, are risk adverse, and generally can't make decisions.
Adults who rely on their parents to make decisions.
Note: this post originally had 88 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.
I had the opposite of a helicopter parent, I grew up with parental neglect so I will send you like having absolutely no life skills when I moved out of home at 17. I didn't know anything about opening a bank account and managing my money. I was always expected to f**k up and fail at everything; I was in my forties before I was finally diagnosed with Asperger's but I struggled with dyslexia, depression and anxiety and developed borderline personality disorder. I've worked extremely hard on myself over the years and I'm very proud of what I have achieved. I struggled with low self-esteem my whole adult life and it was only in my mid to late 40s that I discovered my own self-worth and recovered my self-esteem. My ex-husband had helicopter parents and it totally f****d him up. I think now he is a lot better off and doing something he enjoys. His father has passed away but his overbearing mother lives in a different country to him and he doesn't have much contact with her. Our daughter will be 21 next month and she has her head screwed on straight. She's smart and savvy and independent and has the life skills both her parents lacked at that age.
I had 1 of both, was a psychotic game of push and pull.
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I had a coworker buddy in her 30’s like that. One evening she came over to my place to make decorations for a work contest. While we waited for pieces to dry, we took my dog for a quick walk and bc it was a *quick* walk, left our phones. As we were walking back, I see my then husband waiting for us outside looking worried. He handed her the phone & said it was ringing non-stop. my heart sank thinking she had a family emergency hours away in her hometown, but nope. It was maybe 8pm and her mom was calling to make sure she was home and getting ready for bed. My friend lied and told her she was. This girl had issues for days and eventually I had to cut her out of my life. I believe her mom was controlling and expected perfection bc even though she had super low self esteem, anxiety and an eating disorder, she was ruthlessly competitive, unethical and a pathological liar. Who also semi-stalked her friends. And a quick, hot temper, blew up every time I tried giving advice.
With some ppl I first thought their parents were the problem. Goodness, why so controlling, treat him like an adult, but then it turned out that they had major problems, were very reckless and childish, some mental problems and I was like: maybe those parents also don't really have a choice to treat em like an adult. It was a bit of a mix, too controlling on one hand, but on the other hand a bit understandable.
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I have a friend with parents who are like half neglectful and half helicopter parents. They (my friend) are a very closeted enby ace who bought a pride flag at a camp we were at together and then panicked because they didn't know where to hide it. They have to deal with being constantly misgendered and deadnamed because they don't dare come out. They have autism and a physical disability and they do their best to hide their physical pain and their discomfort when their sensory needs are not met because their parents flip out on them for this. They are still a minor and have no way out. Their parents have threatened to slit the throats of their dogs if they leave. Not to mention while all of this is going on they get bullied a lot at school and elsewhere (relating to the autism and physical disability) so they have terrible self esteem
They're a close friend of mine and I've promised they can move in with me and my parents (their parents don't know where we live) whenever they can because honestly it's no way to live
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I remember watching a report many years ago on ABC News. It was when Peter Jennings was still alive and working there, and I was about...20/21 maybe? Anyway, they were talking about this "new phenomenon" of baby boomer parents (yes, they used that term) writing their children's college essays and applications for them, writing their resumes *and* attending their college and job interviews with their children. When I tell you I was sitting their slackjawed by what I was seeing and hearing. When asked why the parents were doing this, at least two of them said that they were just doing for their children what they wished their parents had done for them. Even at my still-green age, I knew that was a recipe for disaster.
My parents are. I moved back to my hometown at the start of 2020 because my husband got a good job. I had already been away for 10 years in another province to get away from them. Un the past nearly 3 years, nothing has changed. We moved into one of my dad's rental properties which turned out to be a big mistake. He actually repeatedly drives by the house to see if we're home and if he finds out my husband isn't working because he actually wanted a day off, my dad freaks out and threatens to raise rent, kick us out, insults my husband, ect. Just this week he threatened to sell the house and make me move back home and him on the streets. I will be homeless before I spend a single day at their house. Everytime I spend any time with them, they just go on about what a disappointment I am, and get mad that I don't come by as often. Why would I? It took me ten years to find my confidence and independence and they destroyed it in two.
My husband and I are now looking for a new place at any price. It's safer to pay more money than to constantly have that over our heads, and knowing my dad can't come over whenever he wants. In a year, we plan to leave again, he's already working on a transfer request and my job allows me to work wherever as they would fly me to my location every rotation. This was the last straw, I am done with my family. Trust me, there's so much to this.
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I (they/them) am too anxious about my parents reaction to come out about my gender. My mum is incredibly homophobic - i came out as bisexual at 14 with a girlfriend and she rejected me. At 19 realised I was also nb and have never told her. Coming home I know now she likes (surprisingly) my girlfriend; but hates my sexuality. I will never tell her who I am. I was homeless for three months because of my sexuality and I can't do that again.
I'm so sorry you can't share things like that with her. Whether you do or don't is up to you, but just know that you are valid and you deserve to be yourself no matter what anyone says.
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Very few of these stories were about actual helicopter parents. Mostly this was about extreme control.
21 years old, was actually raised by my grandparents (who where originally helicopter parents to my aunt, uncle and mother and was the same way to my sister and I). Moved out at 18 and I'm glad I went low contact.
I'm going to try to keep this brief because it is pretty long and complicated. I didn't have helicopter parents, but a helicopter grandparent. I moved in with my grandmother because she asked me to, didn't want to live alone. After I moved in and with my daughter, I was a single mom, I noticed she was doing everything she could to undermine my parenting and try to be my daughter's mom. This went on for a few months and all my family would point out that she needed to back off, she wouldn't listen. Finally, over Christmas, my daughter wanted to spend a few days with my parents and my grandmother says "absolutely not", completely shocking my surrounding family. My daughter looks at my grandmother and says, "I was asking my MOM!" My grandmother was taken aback and my family applauded. After that, my grandmother must have figured out she wasn't an authority over my child or me and backed way off.
Glad to see some happy endings. But these stories make me appreciate my own parents. I thought they worried too much until I became a parent myself. I've realised that it wasn't always my potential actions and decisions they were worried about; it was often the potential actions and decisions of the people I might encounter. I often wonder how my parents managed life with four kids when my only child gives me a run for my money.😂
I have a cousin who still lives at home at 27 despite having an education and a well paying, full time job. Her mother is so controlling that she steals her phone to read through her messages and calls her at work, sometimes multiple times per day. Every time she leaves the house she has to say where she going, with who, to do what, and when she’ll be back. Her mom didn’t like her last boyfriend so they weren’t allowed in the house alone, she wasn’t allowed in his house, and there were no overnights or trips permitted. When she wants to take extra work hours, she has to call and ask her mom if it’s okay, and if mom thinks she’s lying about who she’s out with, she’ll call while they’re out and ask to talk to the other person. It’s really sad.
I'm 44 and have almost ZERO social skills. I have no friends because I was never allowed them growing up because my mom didn't think anyone had good enough parents. I bought the house that she chose across the street from her so she could keep an eye on me because she knew I'd fail at everything. I had no idea how to manage money or pay bills because money wasn't talked about because it was none of our business. I wasn't allowed to apply for college because my mom didn't want anyone to see what a stupid, failure I was. I can tell a believable lie at the drop of a hat, because that was normal life for me growing up. I'm anxious, depressed, and nearly paralyzed by doubt because every time I try something I'll probably fail. I know failure isn't bad, but my psyche doesn't believe that. How my husband puts up with me most days I just don't know.
My family was always strange. They've always supported my interest in things and have always been verbally encouraging, but their actions are very different than their words. My mother tells me she values my privacy and my right to be autonomous-- yet, if I leave the house she always has to know where I am and if I don't tell her, she gets mad and tells me she's just "afraid for my safety." When I was attending University, I made the realization that that specific kind of education wasn't what I wanted to do and decide to switch to an INCREDIBLY COMPETITIVE trade school (hence why I haven't gotten in yet), and when I told my mother this she requested multiple times I move home in the meantime. When I finally did, she seemed happy that i was there, under her roof, but her husband has started to try to control me again like he did before. He started making comments about me not having a job about two weeks after i moved back, making incredibly rude comments to me about it, despite the fact that two years ago, while waiting to see if he'd gotten a specific position, he was jobless for three months and just played video games on the couch and made my mom work overtime so she could support three children instead of two. He was always an a*****e to me and I've told her multiple times that I hate him, but she's always told me that "you don't hate him you're just mad."
I'm pretty sure she just gaslight herself into believing she's happy with him because she's terrified of being alone.
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Do they that have helicopter parents, ever ask their parents about why they act like that?
The whole idea that cancel culture is new is ridiculous. Cancel culture has been around for as long as culture has. If you go against culture, you’re canceled, it’s just in the past that meant being burned at the stake or similar! The only difference now is that it appears to be right wing conservatives that get canceled, and that’s what is new.
Not sure if I had a helicopter mom or not. I just know that I was raised by a narcissist, a legitimately diagnosed by professional psychologist narcissist. A lot of this is relatable and some of it is not. My mother ignored me, a lot, and helicoptered my older brother. When he moved out she turned her attention to me (he was 7 years older than me) but I was already so use to being ignored that any attempt to control caused violent and significantly disruptive reactions. She put me in therapy and everything was my fault. If a therapist sided too much with me I ended up with a new one. I didn't go to summer camps or a lot of field trips while in school. It wasn't until I was in high school and I got selected for a summer student UN program that I got to travel without her, but I had to contact her daily and every penny spent had to be accounted for. My DL and 1st job came after I moved out. Yet, I spent a lot of time alone. All cooking and housekeeping chores were my responsibility, but I knew nothing else like banking or credit. But the great at lying part, I was. I got therapy as an adult and really immersed myself into Buddhism. It's helped, but I have ingrained issues.
I was 34 and pregnant with my 4th child. It was 9 pm and I was running to the store to get baby wipes. The store was within walking distance but I drove because I was so pregnant. My mother called me a "dare devil" because I was going out sooo late and "anything can happen." I can't make this up. Nothings changed. She tries to control every aspect of my life, including the hours I work, the vehicle I drive, what I eat, even what I think (she gets mad if I don't agree on something). I work overnights and she calls me repeatedly every morning when I get off work to make sure I'm on the way home. She's driving me insane. I give my kids way more freedom but of course she has a say in that too. I hear, "If I were you, I'd...." a million times a day. I've never been free to make my own decisions without her approval. But I can't cut her off without cutting off my father. She's not a terrible person, she just refuses to let me be ME.
I can relate to somethings in this post but issue is not my parents, it's me. I came to try and live with my boyfriend to see if away from my parents I would magically no longer need support, but despite what some conservatives say that's not how life or disabilities work sadly. No matter if parents are not around, or even if my life depends on it, I won't suddenly become less disabled. This really striked me hard when I watched in horror someone brake my glasses because they didn't see it there and I just couldn't bring myself to stop them. Glasses are currently around 2k in my country. And I could stop them, I just couldn't. Then I proceeded to have a hard shutdown over it and get myself stuck alone in an airport in the middle of nowhere and unable o ask how to leave, my dad had to call the f*****g airport. It hurts like hell to depend on others for everything, I've tried beating the functionality into me, I've tried going away from my parents but nothing works.
I feel like a bird who longs to fly more than anything else, but I was born without wings.
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My best friend was helicoptered to death (so to speak). His parents wanted to control EVERYTHING, from what kinds of posters he had on his bedroom walls to what kind of clothes he was allowed to wear (they'd throw his stuff away). His father would even choose the frame of his glasses. They were never tech savvy, so at least there wasn't any GPS tracking craziness (but I'm sure they would absolutely do it if they knew how). Lots of common things with many of the stories mentioned above, so I won't mention these things. But one of the biggest way they destroyed his life was leading him to believe he's useless and can't do anything. When he was a young adult he wanted to work, or move to a different country (he had even made plans for work and a place to stay) and they were like "oh no, that's not for you, you can't do it" every time. Now he's 45 and his mother is calling him useless/worthless and condemns and ridicules him for not having a job. He was suicidal when we met.
I (53), am the youngest of 4 children and the only girl... and my parents were not helicopter parents at all. 2 of my brothers never moved out. Although my parents had their own house, they didn't have much money. It helped that my brothers stayed and helped with the running costs. After my parents died about 20 years ago we had to sell the house... and now we (my 2 brothers, my son and I) live there for rent. The problem is that my oldest brother never really learned how to manage money. He never had to pay rent or make sure that running costs were paid regularly and on time. The result: At almost 60, he is still struggling with his finances. He is in debt, reminders keep coming and the bailiff is there at least every 3 months. He cannot be relied on financially in the slightest... which puts a lot of stress on me, my son and my other brother. We split the cost and he keeps failing to pay his part of the cost. How do you kick your own brother out of the lease?
My parents aren't helicopter parents but they have access to basically all my stuff. Passwords, phone location, bank accounts, etc. There's a couple reasons for it: a) they helped me set up most of my stuff when I was younger b) when I turned 18 I didn't go change those things to lock them out. I trust them not to abuse my privacy and resources. I know how to make decisions on my own and take care of myself, but I'm still gonna ask for help occasionally because I'm still young and dumb. Also, I will text/call my mom to let her know where I'm going/what I'm doing pretty regularly because I want someone to know if I'm off by myself somewhere unusual or if I'm out with friends because the world is dangerous, and I don't want to run the risk of being hard to contact/locate if something does happen.
so my mother may be a helicopter parent.. or at least controlling. she is really controlling of my hair ("out of your eyes. I need to see your whole face") and my clothes, even though she claims she's cool with anything. she really doesn't like when I do what I want when I have a mental breakdown, and she tries to fix the fact that I protect my brother's by yelling at me when I help them. Am I wrong? I want to think I'm wrong.
The hair thing I'll never understand. Do parents forget that it grows back if you cut it? And for the clothes and stuff that makes sense up to a certain age. And don't forget your brother is her son too. She might just be worried about him being able to help himself without you someday. But maybe talk with her about the yelling. My mom and I ended up going to therapy together about something similar, and she hasn't yelled at me since, and we figured out how to talk things out.
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Definitely my aunt to my cousin. My favorite example: when she was...25ish, she was getting married and I was in town as her MoH. We'd been running around, doing errands etc etc etc and finally ended up at her moms house for a break. Her mom told us that "little girls still need to be home and in bed by 10:30 or else they'll be too tired to get married tomorrow." She and her new husband lived in their own place for almost a year before moving back in with her mom for almost 5. They paid a bit of rent and for their own food. He finished school, got a great job and they're officially launched now. They're about to hit their 14yr anniversary :)
I had the opposite of a helicopter parent, I grew up with parental neglect so I will send you like having absolutely no life skills when I moved out of home at 17. I didn't know anything about opening a bank account and managing my money. I was always expected to f**k up and fail at everything; I was in my forties before I was finally diagnosed with Asperger's but I struggled with dyslexia, depression and anxiety and developed borderline personality disorder. I've worked extremely hard on myself over the years and I'm very proud of what I have achieved. I struggled with low self-esteem my whole adult life and it was only in my mid to late 40s that I discovered my own self-worth and recovered my self-esteem. My ex-husband had helicopter parents and it totally f****d him up. I think now he is a lot better off and doing something he enjoys. His father has passed away but his overbearing mother lives in a different country to him and he doesn't have much contact with her. Our daughter will be 21 next month and she has her head screwed on straight. She's smart and savvy and independent and has the life skills both her parents lacked at that age.
I had 1 of both, was a psychotic game of push and pull.
Load More Replies... I had a coworker buddy in her 30’s like that. One evening she came over to my place to make decorations for a work contest. While we waited for pieces to dry, we took my dog for a quick walk and bc it was a *quick* walk, left our phones. As we were walking back, I see my then husband waiting for us outside looking worried. He handed her the phone & said it was ringing non-stop. my heart sank thinking she had a family emergency hours away in her hometown, but nope. It was maybe 8pm and her mom was calling to make sure she was home and getting ready for bed. My friend lied and told her she was. This girl had issues for days and eventually I had to cut her out of my life. I believe her mom was controlling and expected perfection bc even though she had super low self esteem, anxiety and an eating disorder, she was ruthlessly competitive, unethical and a pathological liar. Who also semi-stalked her friends. And a quick, hot temper, blew up every time I tried giving advice.
With some ppl I first thought their parents were the problem. Goodness, why so controlling, treat him like an adult, but then it turned out that they had major problems, were very reckless and childish, some mental problems and I was like: maybe those parents also don't really have a choice to treat em like an adult. It was a bit of a mix, too controlling on one hand, but on the other hand a bit understandable.
Load More Replies... I have a friend with parents who are like half neglectful and half helicopter parents. They (my friend) are a very closeted enby ace who bought a pride flag at a camp we were at together and then panicked because they didn't know where to hide it. They have to deal with being constantly misgendered and deadnamed because they don't dare come out. They have autism and a physical disability and they do their best to hide their physical pain and their discomfort when their sensory needs are not met because their parents flip out on them for this. They are still a minor and have no way out. Their parents have threatened to slit the throats of their dogs if they leave. Not to mention while all of this is going on they get bullied a lot at school and elsewhere (relating to the autism and physical disability) so they have terrible self esteem
They're a close friend of mine and I've promised they can move in with me and my parents (their parents don't know where we live) whenever they can because honestly it's no way to live
Load More Replies... I remember watching a report many years ago on ABC News. It was when Peter Jennings was still alive and working there, and I was about...20/21 maybe? Anyway, they were talking about this "new phenomenon" of baby boomer parents (yes, they used that term) writing their children's college essays and applications for them, writing their resumes *and* attending their college and job interviews with their children. When I tell you I was sitting their slackjawed by what I was seeing and hearing. When asked why the parents were doing this, at least two of them said that they were just doing for their children what they wished their parents had done for them. Even at my still-green age, I knew that was a recipe for disaster.
My parents are. I moved back to my hometown at the start of 2020 because my husband got a good job. I had already been away for 10 years in another province to get away from them. Un the past nearly 3 years, nothing has changed. We moved into one of my dad's rental properties which turned out to be a big mistake. He actually repeatedly drives by the house to see if we're home and if he finds out my husband isn't working because he actually wanted a day off, my dad freaks out and threatens to raise rent, kick us out, insults my husband, ect. Just this week he threatened to sell the house and make me move back home and him on the streets. I will be homeless before I spend a single day at their house. Everytime I spend any time with them, they just go on about what a disappointment I am, and get mad that I don't come by as often. Why would I? It took me ten years to find my confidence and independence and they destroyed it in two.
My husband and I are now looking for a new place at any price. It's safer to pay more money than to constantly have that over our heads, and knowing my dad can't come over whenever he wants. In a year, we plan to leave again, he's already working on a transfer request and my job allows me to work wherever as they would fly me to my location every rotation. This was the last straw, I am done with my family. Trust me, there's so much to this.
Load More Replies... I (they/them) am too anxious about my parents reaction to come out about my gender. My mum is incredibly homophobic - i came out as bisexual at 14 with a girlfriend and she rejected me. At 19 realised I was also nb and have never told her. Coming home I know now she likes (surprisingly) my girlfriend; but hates my sexuality. I will never tell her who I am. I was homeless for three months because of my sexuality and I can't do that again.
I'm so sorry you can't share things like that with her. Whether you do or don't is up to you, but just know that you are valid and you deserve to be yourself no matter what anyone says.
Load More Replies... Very few of these stories were about actual helicopter parents. Mostly this was about extreme control.
21 years old, was actually raised by my grandparents (who where originally helicopter parents to my aunt, uncle and mother and was the same way to my sister and I). Moved out at 18 and I'm glad I went low contact.
I'm going to try to keep this brief because it is pretty long and complicated. I didn't have helicopter parents, but a helicopter grandparent. I moved in with my grandmother because she asked me to, didn't want to live alone. After I moved in and with my daughter, I was a single mom, I noticed she was doing everything she could to undermine my parenting and try to be my daughter's mom. This went on for a few months and all my family would point out that she needed to back off, she wouldn't listen. Finally, over Christmas, my daughter wanted to spend a few days with my parents and my grandmother says "absolutely not", completely shocking my surrounding family. My daughter looks at my grandmother and says, "I was asking my MOM!" My grandmother was taken aback and my family applauded. After that, my grandmother must have figured out she wasn't an authority over my child or me and backed way off.
Glad to see some happy endings. But these stories make me appreciate my own parents. I thought they worried too much until I became a parent myself. I've realised that it wasn't always my potential actions and decisions they were worried about; it was often the potential actions and decisions of the people I might encounter. I often wonder how my parents managed life with four kids when my only child gives me a run for my money.😂
I have a cousin who still lives at home at 27 despite having an education and a well paying, full time job. Her mother is so controlling that she steals her phone to read through her messages and calls her at work, sometimes multiple times per day. Every time she leaves the house she has to say where she going, with who, to do what, and when she’ll be back. Her mom didn’t like her last boyfriend so they weren’t allowed in the house alone, she wasn’t allowed in his house, and there were no overnights or trips permitted. When she wants to take extra work hours, she has to call and ask her mom if it’s okay, and if mom thinks she’s lying about who she’s out with, she’ll call while they’re out and ask to talk to the other person. It’s really sad.
I'm 44 and have almost ZERO social skills. I have no friends because I was never allowed them growing up because my mom didn't think anyone had good enough parents. I bought the house that she chose across the street from her so she could keep an eye on me because she knew I'd fail at everything. I had no idea how to manage money or pay bills because money wasn't talked about because it was none of our business. I wasn't allowed to apply for college because my mom didn't want anyone to see what a stupid, failure I was. I can tell a believable lie at the drop of a hat, because that was normal life for me growing up. I'm anxious, depressed, and nearly paralyzed by doubt because every time I try something I'll probably fail. I know failure isn't bad, but my psyche doesn't believe that. How my husband puts up with me most days I just don't know.
My family was always strange. They've always supported my interest in things and have always been verbally encouraging, but their actions are very different than their words. My mother tells me she values my privacy and my right to be autonomous-- yet, if I leave the house she always has to know where I am and if I don't tell her, she gets mad and tells me she's just "afraid for my safety." When I was attending University, I made the realization that that specific kind of education wasn't what I wanted to do and decide to switch to an INCREDIBLY COMPETITIVE trade school (hence why I haven't gotten in yet), and when I told my mother this she requested multiple times I move home in the meantime. When I finally did, she seemed happy that i was there, under her roof, but her husband has started to try to control me again like he did before. He started making comments about me not having a job about two weeks after i moved back, making incredibly rude comments to me about it, despite the fact that two years ago, while waiting to see if he'd gotten a specific position, he was jobless for three months and just played video games on the couch and made my mom work overtime so she could support three children instead of two. He was always an a*****e to me and I've told her multiple times that I hate him, but she's always told me that "you don't hate him you're just mad."
I'm pretty sure she just gaslight herself into believing she's happy with him because she's terrified of being alone.
Load More Replies... Do they that have helicopter parents, ever ask their parents about why they act like that?
The whole idea that cancel culture is new is ridiculous. Cancel culture has been around for as long as culture has. If you go against culture, you’re canceled, it’s just in the past that meant being burned at the stake or similar! The only difference now is that it appears to be right wing conservatives that get canceled, and that’s what is new.
Not sure if I had a helicopter mom or not. I just know that I was raised by a narcissist, a legitimately diagnosed by professional psychologist narcissist. A lot of this is relatable and some of it is not. My mother ignored me, a lot, and helicoptered my older brother. When he moved out she turned her attention to me (he was 7 years older than me) but I was already so use to being ignored that any attempt to control caused violent and significantly disruptive reactions. She put me in therapy and everything was my fault. If a therapist sided too much with me I ended up with a new one. I didn't go to summer camps or a lot of field trips while in school. It wasn't until I was in high school and I got selected for a summer student UN program that I got to travel without her, but I had to contact her daily and every penny spent had to be accounted for. My DL and 1st job came after I moved out. Yet, I spent a lot of time alone. All cooking and housekeeping chores were my responsibility, but I knew nothing else like banking or credit. But the great at lying part, I was. I got therapy as an adult and really immersed myself into Buddhism. It's helped, but I have ingrained issues.
I was 34 and pregnant with my 4th child. It was 9 pm and I was running to the store to get baby wipes. The store was within walking distance but I drove because I was so pregnant. My mother called me a "dare devil" because I was going out sooo late and "anything can happen." I can't make this up. Nothings changed. She tries to control every aspect of my life, including the hours I work, the vehicle I drive, what I eat, even what I think (she gets mad if I don't agree on something). I work overnights and she calls me repeatedly every morning when I get off work to make sure I'm on the way home. She's driving me insane. I give my kids way more freedom but of course she has a say in that too. I hear, "If I were you, I'd...." a million times a day. I've never been free to make my own decisions without her approval. But I can't cut her off without cutting off my father. She's not a terrible person, she just refuses to let me be ME.
I can relate to somethings in this post but issue is not my parents, it's me. I came to try and live with my boyfriend to see if away from my parents I would magically no longer need support, but despite what some conservatives say that's not how life or disabilities work sadly. No matter if parents are not around, or even if my life depends on it, I won't suddenly become less disabled. This really striked me hard when I watched in horror someone brake my glasses because they didn't see it there and I just couldn't bring myself to stop them. Glasses are currently around 2k in my country. And I could stop them, I just couldn't. Then I proceeded to have a hard shutdown over it and get myself stuck alone in an airport in the middle of nowhere and unable o ask how to leave, my dad had to call the f*****g airport. It hurts like hell to depend on others for everything, I've tried beating the functionality into me, I've tried going away from my parents but nothing works.
I feel like a bird who longs to fly more than anything else, but I was born without wings.
Load More Replies... My best friend was helicoptered to death (so to speak). His parents wanted to control EVERYTHING, from what kinds of posters he had on his bedroom walls to what kind of clothes he was allowed to wear (they'd throw his stuff away). His father would even choose the frame of his glasses. They were never tech savvy, so at least there wasn't any GPS tracking craziness (but I'm sure they would absolutely do it if they knew how). Lots of common things with many of the stories mentioned above, so I won't mention these things. But one of the biggest way they destroyed his life was leading him to believe he's useless and can't do anything. When he was a young adult he wanted to work, or move to a different country (he had even made plans for work and a place to stay) and they were like "oh no, that's not for you, you can't do it" every time. Now he's 45 and his mother is calling him useless/worthless and condemns and ridicules him for not having a job. He was suicidal when we met.
I (53), am the youngest of 4 children and the only girl... and my parents were not helicopter parents at all. 2 of my brothers never moved out. Although my parents had their own house, they didn't have much money. It helped that my brothers stayed and helped with the running costs. After my parents died about 20 years ago we had to sell the house... and now we (my 2 brothers, my son and I) live there for rent. The problem is that my oldest brother never really learned how to manage money. He never had to pay rent or make sure that running costs were paid regularly and on time. The result: At almost 60, he is still struggling with his finances. He is in debt, reminders keep coming and the bailiff is there at least every 3 months. He cannot be relied on financially in the slightest... which puts a lot of stress on me, my son and my other brother. We split the cost and he keeps failing to pay his part of the cost. How do you kick your own brother out of the lease?
My parents aren't helicopter parents but they have access to basically all my stuff. Passwords, phone location, bank accounts, etc. There's a couple reasons for it: a) they helped me set up most of my stuff when I was younger b) when I turned 18 I didn't go change those things to lock them out. I trust them not to abuse my privacy and resources. I know how to make decisions on my own and take care of myself, but I'm still gonna ask for help occasionally because I'm still young and dumb. Also, I will text/call my mom to let her know where I'm going/what I'm doing pretty regularly because I want someone to know if I'm off by myself somewhere unusual or if I'm out with friends because the world is dangerous, and I don't want to run the risk of being hard to contact/locate if something does happen.
so my mother may be a helicopter parent.. or at least controlling. she is really controlling of my hair ("out of your eyes. I need to see your whole face") and my clothes, even though she claims she's cool with anything. she really doesn't like when I do what I want when I have a mental breakdown, and she tries to fix the fact that I protect my brother's by yelling at me when I help them. Am I wrong? I want to think I'm wrong.
The hair thing I'll never understand. Do parents forget that it grows back if you cut it? And for the clothes and stuff that makes sense up to a certain age. And don't forget your brother is her son too. She might just be worried about him being able to help himself without you someday. But maybe talk with her about the yelling. My mom and I ended up going to therapy together about something similar, and she hasn't yelled at me since, and we figured out how to talk things out.
Load More Replies... Definitely my aunt to my cousin. My favorite example: when she was...25ish, she was getting married and I was in town as her MoH. We'd been running around, doing errands etc etc etc and finally ended up at her moms house for a break. Her mom told us that "little girls still need to be home and in bed by 10:30 or else they'll be too tired to get married tomorrow." She and her new husband lived in their own place for almost a year before moving back in with her mom for almost 5. They paid a bit of rent and for their own food. He finished school, got a great job and they're officially launched now. They're about to hit their 14yr anniversary :)
